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Judge Phyllis Tamber
: I will not let you turn this proceeding into a joke. Alan Shore
: But, Your Honor, Denny and I are a comedy team!
: Could I have a second alone, Denny? Denny Crane
: With me? Alan Shore
: With the judge.
: To next season, my friend. Alan Shore
: I can't wait to see what we do next! Denny Crane
: I'm just getting started! Alan Shore
: Denny Crane. Denny Crane
: Alan Shore. Alan Shore
: Jerry... you know I have tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me. Jerry Espenson
: Oh, I am.
[Regarding a nervous habit of a colleague
] Alan Shore
: It helps him think; it's a peccadillo. Denny Crane
: A peccadillo? I don't have any peccadilloes. Alan Shore
: What's your name? Denny Crane
: Denny Crane.
: She's certainly limber for a woman her age. Denny Crane
: I'd like to be alone with my phone... just 15 minutes.
: Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions, you always get to choose what you have for lunch. Alan Shore
: Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live. Denny Crane
: It's either that or die.
: Jerry, you're in luck. Mr. Kupfer is my favorite opposing counsel. He's smart, eloquent, a pleasure to watch, and every time I go up against, him he obligingly loses. A.D.A. Douglas Kupfer
: You know, if the U.S. really wanted to torture detainees, they could sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating. Alan Shore
: You have no idea.
Judge Robert Sanders
: I think I have enough probable cause, Mister Shoop! Alan Shore
: Actually, your Honor, since our last get-together, I've changed my name from Shoop to Shore. I figured since it's already on my driver's license and passport, not to mention all the pleadings before you - though I'd never presume you to read pleadings of course, they're ... Judge Robert Sanders
, Alan Shore
: Jibber jabber!
: God, the last time I saw you... Alan Shore
: I believe it was a Sunday, then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and... Chelina Hall
: Here we are... with old footage.
: Most of the Democrats voted for this war. John Kerry voted for it. Hillary Clinton voted for it. And now, suddenly, it becomes unpopular... Say what you will, about Republicans. We stick to our convictions, even when we know we're dead wrong. Alan Shore
: Some might say especially then.
: [Alan and Denny dressed as flamingos
] Denny, you look pretty in pink.
[to the jury
] Alan Shore
: Last night I went to bed with a book, not nearly as much fun as a 29 year old, but the book contained a speech by Adlai Stevenson. The year was 1952, he said 'The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live and fear breeds repression. Too often sinister threats to the Bill of Rights, to freedom of the mind, are concealed under the cloak of anti-Communism.' Today, it's the cloak of anti-Terrorism. Stevenson also remarked that it's far easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. I know we are all afraid, but the Bill of Rights, we have to live up to that, we simply must.
: Why Alan? That's all I'm gonna ask. Why? Alan Shore
: Some people see things as they are and ask why? Others see things as they never were and claim mad cow.
: She's not good for you, Alan.
[referring to Judge Gloria Weldon
] Alan Shore
: Why not? Denny Crane
: She just isn't. A woman knows these things. Trust me. Alan Shore
: Denny, you're not a woman. Denny Crane
: Women! Alan Shore
: Can't live with them. Denny Crane
: Can't take 'em quail hunting.
: Denny Crane! Denny Crane
: Alan Shore! Alan Shore
: Leaders of men! Denny Crane
: With bulleyes on our asses!
: I have no defense, Denny. I broke the law. Denny Crane
: So? Alan Shore
: So, usually in these situations I go with jury nullification. Persuade the jury to focus on the moral, not the legal, but here it makes no difference! What I did was unethical, immoral, illegal... Denny Crane
: You're being so negative. Alan Shore
: I need you to close. Denny Crane
: What do you mean? Alan Shore
: I'll try the case, but at the end I need somebody else to stand before the jury and say, "Let the man go." Denny Crane
: And you want me to do that? Alan Shore
: There was a day when all you had to do was say your name. Denny Crane
: That's still all I do. Alan Shore
: Denny, I find in life, and I know you must, that craft doesn't matter so much if one is a big enough star. You've spent your entire life getting away with who and what you are, because you're a star! Denny Crane
: Big star. I blow solar flares out of my ass. Alan Shore
: I need your start power here. I need you to stand up before that jury when we're done and tell them, "Let Alan Shore go!" Denny Crane
: Really? Alan Shore
: I have a gut feeling it's my best shot. Denny Crane
: Let him go! Denny Crane. I'll do it.
[Shirley Schmidt is sending Alan to New Orleans to help out on a case
] Denny Crane
: I just heard! New Orleans! My penis is already packed! Alan Shore
: Denny, I would love for you to join, but this particular excursion is a rather serious one. Maybe you and I could go another time. Denny Crane
: Are you nuts? That damned tornado wiped out half the place. There's no time like the present. Alan, we must seize the hookers - uh, the day. Alan Shore
: You know, Denny, technically it wasn't so much a tornado as a hurricane. And you're holding a kazoo. Denny Crane
: Not just any kazoo. A trombone kazoo. A go-to-New-Orleans-under-the-pretext-of-some-legal-case-to-play-with-a-Dixie-land-band kazoo. Vanessa Walker
: I only have two plane tickets. Denny Crane
: Oh, gee, I only have a Gulf Stream. Alan Shore
: I think Denny wants to come, Vanessa. Denny Crane
: Denny Crane: Down on the Bayou.
[Alan and Denny talk on the balcony about how horrible it must have been in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina
] Alan Shore
: I tried closing my eyes again... to imagine. I couldn't. Nobody could, I suppose, unless they were there. Denny Crane
: I was there. Well, I flew over in my Gulf Stream. Doesn't that count? Alan Shore
: To some.
: I have nothing further. A.D.A. John Lennox
: I have nothing, Judge. Judge Robert Sanders
: All right, this would probably be a good time for a... a bowel movement. Uh, uh, lunch, I... I mean lunch. Uh... two o'clock. Alan Shore
: Could we say two-thirty and make time for both? Judge Robert Sanders
: Silence! I won't stand for your... your... Alan Shore
: In the meantime, how about trying a case with me? I've got a guy charged with trying to help his brother get away with murder. Denny Crane
: Is he guilty? Alan Shore
: 100 percent. Denny Crane
: Count me in.
: You ever wonder if you and I are la-la? Denny Crane
: Don't be ridiculous. We're flamingos. And good ones.
: One last proposal. And it's entirely possible I'm kidding, by the way, depending upon your reaction. $300,000 - sealed. We kick back 50 to you, under the table. Attorney Braxton Mason
: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney. Alan Shore
: Really? Gosh, I am. Attorney Braxton Mason
: I should report you directly to the Bar, if not the District Attorney. Alan Shore
: Well, if that's how you feel, then I *was* kidding.
: People forgo newspapers for the Internet, where instead of relying on credentialed journalists, they turn to these bloggers... sort of entry-level life-forms, that intellectually have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze...
: I'm giving notice. I believe two weeks is standard. Now step aside, Paul, before I push you to the ground and go to the bathroom on you.
: Let me make this simple for you, Mister Shore. Alan Shore
: Please, call me Alan, I feel we've grown close. Paul Lewiston
: You will be present in court at the table because your sudden absence would send a strange message to the jury that might compromise our case, but Denny will ask the questions. If you attempt to ask the witness anything at all, you will be fired. Alan Shore
: There's a legal term for this. Ah, yes, "Oooooh."
: We're actually sitting in a court room, wasting tax dollars, because my client had gas. He was constipated, he went to remedy his problem, in a bathroom, imagine that, where low and behold, three undercover police officers were lurking, waiting, to interpret a tapping foot as a call for gay sex. Now, maybe Larry Craig deserved his fate, thrown in front of the very bus he helped to build, but Denny Crane doesn't deserve this, all he was trying to do was take a crap.
: I don't fear death - never have. But I do fear being hooked up to a machine ... would you want to live like that? Alan Shore
: No, Denny, if it came to that, I'd pull the plug. Denny Crane
: Pull the plug? That's no way to die. I want you to shoot me!
: Wanna pull my string? Alan Shore
: Maybe later.
[Both simultaneously puff their cigars
: People walk around calling everyone there best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting. Birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague the barely met. Everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today. It isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I couldn't imagine going through life without you as my best friend.
: You know, the best part of my marriages has always been the first day. Alan Shore
: Just married. Grand thing. But for me there was nothing more devastatingly lonely than being married for a while. Denny Crane
: You never talk about your wife. What was she like? Alan Shore
: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition. Denny Crane
: Sounds spectacular. What happened? Alan Shore
: She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, that's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.
: Speaking as an enormously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who wish to kill me. Don't you? Lori Colson
: [no response and walks away
] Alan Shore
: Yes... Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.
: It's not that I didn't appreciate your riveting performance, but I've mainly retained you to sit at the table as honorary friend of the judge. Denny Crane
: Let me tell you something, tiger. Alan Shore
: Tiger? Denny Crane
: You want Denny Crane to talk. When Denny Crane talks, E.F. Hutton listens. My presence alone - my presence is so powerful, I don't even have to talk. Sometimes I'm better when I don't talk. Alan Shore
: This was my thinking. Denny Crane
: I'm Denny Crane, damn it!
: [Reading a book about sea lice that are threating the salmon population
] Oh my God. This book? The Stain Upon the Sea? It's all about these sea lice. Denny Crane
: Interesting. Alan Shore
: They call them cling-ons. Denny Crane
: Did you say Klingons?
: My, uh, best friend has Alzheimer's, in the, uh, very early stages, it hasn't... He is a grand lover of life, and will be for some time. I believe even when his mind starts to really go, he'll still fish he'll laugh and love, and as it progresses he'll still want to live because there will be value for him, in a friendship, in a cigar... The truth is I don't think he will ever come to me and say, this is the day I want to die, but the day is coming and he won't know it... This is perhaps the, the most insidious thing about Alzheimer's... but you see he trusts me to know when that day has arrive, he trusts me... to safe guard his dignity, his legacy, and self respect. He trusts me to prevent his end from becoming a mindless piece of mush and I will. It will be an unbearably painful... thing for me, but I will do it, because I love him. I will end his suffering, because it is the only decent humane and loving thing a person can do.
: Que seran, seran. Alan Shore
: Sera. Denny Crane
: Really? I thought it was seran. Alan Shore
: No. Sera. Denny Crane
: What's seran? Alan Shore
: It's a wrap - keeps sandwiches fresh.
: Feel free to mock me all you want, but don't you dare ridicule our troops. Alan Shore
: Just so I'm clear, I should feel free to mock you.
: There's no opportunity to plead this out? Alan Shore
: Only if I plead guilty which is, of course, unacceptable. I have to worry about a three strikes law since I plan to commit future crimes.
: [Denny and Carl enter the courtroom
] You must be joking A.A.G. Norman Wood
: Commonwealth has waived conflict Judge Clark Brown
: Wait a sec. The same firm for both sides? Denny Crane
: Saves on guest casting
: To err is human, but to get even? THAT is divine.
: I can't fly. Alan Shore
: You're just discovering this?
: [Alan addressing the jury on about water pollution
] ... What is our biggest fear? The dirty bomb. Not the dirty water! Attorney Eric Yavitch
: [stands to object
] Objection! Your honor, Mr.Shore is introducing evidence in his closing that was never presented at trial. Alan Shore
: [turning to the attorney
] Nonsense, your honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple. Attorney Eric Yavitch
: [confused look at alan
] I beg your pardon? Alan Shore
: [addressing attorney
] Apple trash can is picked from God. Attorney Eric Yavitch
: Huh? Hon. Stephen Bickle
: Mr. Shore... Alan Shore
: [to judge
] Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free. Attorney Eric Yavitch
] Attorney Eric Yavitch
: Uh, I think. Hon. Stephen Bickle
: Mr. Shore! You have a notorious history of court room theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed. Alan Shore
: [Under his breath
] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons.
[Turns to jury
] Alan Shore
: You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish is the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese.
[Walk to seat, sits down, and looks around in bewilderment
] Alan Shore
: [Discussing their upcoming case - and the series finale
] Hey, maybe I'll retire after this. Alan Shore
: Don't be ridiculous... Denny Crane
: Well, what better way to go out? My last case - in front of the Supreme Court. Now there's a finale, Alan. Alan Shore
: They should put it on TV. Denny Crane
: We'd get ratings. Alan Shore
: If they promoted us. Of course, I think there's a law against promoting us. Denny Crane
: Seems to be. Alan Shore
: [Later in scene
] Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again? Denny Crane
: The rematch. Alan Shore
] The rematch. Denny Crane
: Grand finale. Alan Shore
: Special 9:00 start time.
Judge Floyd Hurwitz
: Step up here, Counsel. Alan Shore
: This is never good when they ask me to step up. Judge Floyd Hurwitz
: You think I'm an idiot? Alan Shore
: Judge, I cannot be held accountable for what I do with straight lines lobbed right over the plate. Judge Floyd Hurwitz
: How would you like to be held in contempt, Mr. Wisenheimer? Alan Shore
: Again, Judge, that was a beach ball straight down the middle. Judge Floyd Hurwitz
: Two days. Put him in the same cell with his client. They can discuss her wedding plans. Alan Shore
: You can't plan a wedding in two days!
: I'm sorry, Denny. Denny Crane
: No you're not. You're relieved. Alan Shore
: Well, I'm that, too. But if you truly loved her then I am sorry. Denny Crane
: ... Alan Shore
: Denny? Denny Crane
: There's no need to be sorry, Alan. Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree? Alan Shore
: I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out. Denny Crane
: Do you believe married people can stay in love? Alan Shore
: Oh, I believe thy can know even more profound joys be it with children, the depth of the relationship itself can evolve into something they can't possibly live without. And yet, it's something that doesn't quite so resemble love. It's not the romance of love. Denny Crane
: I never knew you to be such a romantic. Alan Shore
: My problem is I'm too romantic. No woman can possibly live up to the promise of tomorrow that love holds for me. Denny Crane
: What about me? Alan Shore
: That not the same. You know one thing I do love about you? Denny Crane
: Tell me! Alan Shore
: While many people embrace the promise of tomorrow, too few celebrate the joy of now. And nobody does that like Denny Crane. Denny Crane
: Let me tell you something. When you got polar ice caps melting and breaking off into big chunks and you got Osama still hiding in a cave, planning his next attack, when you got other rogue nations with nuclear arsenals, and not to mention some wack-job, home-grown that can cancel you at any second and when you got...mad cow, now gets high priority. And when you're still on the balcony on a clear night, sipping scotch with your best friend, now is everything. Alan Shore
: Here's to that. Denny Crane
: Here's to now.