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Quotes for
Leon Carp (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

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"Roseanne: The Driver's Seat (#6.11)" (1993)
[first lines]
Leon Carp: I don't smell the co-mingled scents of sweat and Jean Naté. Can I assume that Roseanne's not in today?

Leon Carp: [to Nancy] I need someone with impeccable taste, and I can tell by that paw-print jumpsuit of yours, that you're my woman.

Leon Carp: [Dan wants to talk about Roseanne] No. No, I don't think so.
Dan Conner: Why not? What's the matter?
Leon Carp: Well, you're a rather large man, Dan, and if we discuss your wife, I could either say nice things, or I could be honest, and get my arms torn off.

Leon Carp: [Leon offers Dan a check to buy Roseanne out and get rid of her] See! I knew it! I knew it, you are gonna hurt me!
Dan Conner: Worse. For weeks I've been telling her that she's just paranoid about you, but I'm through defending you. From now on, you fight you're battles on your own... against Roseanne.
[long pause]
Dan Conner: May God have mercy on your soul.


"Roseanne: December Bride (#8.11)" (1995)
Leon Carp: [having a bad case of cold feet with the wedding] What if I am not even really gay?
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Leon Carp: Oh yeah! Well you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbara Streisand. And for God's sake I'm a Republican!
Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
Leon Carp: Well it's...
Roseanne: [interrupt with a shout] Gay!
Leon Carp: Oh yeah?
Leon Carp: [plants a huge kiss on Roseanne] I'm gay. Let's do it.

Scott: I love you in a way that is mystical and eternal and illegal in 20 states.
Leon Carp: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Leon Carp: Roseanne what is all this?
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon Carp: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just, roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!


"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
Roseanne: Whoa, Leon! The boss from Hell! You know the last time is saw you, you were stealing my tips to pay for that hair-wig.
Leon Carp: Last time I saw you, you were standing there, leaning on the counter, doing nothing but sucking up the oxygen. Woo, deja vu!

Leon Carp: [to Roseanne] No, wait a minute. Something is different here. Have you lost weight? No... you've lost teeth! Bumpkin works for you.


"Roseanne: Take My Bike, Please! (#4.2)" (1991)
Roseanne: [desperately trying to sell a motorcycle] What about you, Leon? You ever think about getting a motorcycle?
Leon Carp: Roseanne! Name me one guy that doesn't picture themself on a big chopper, going down a country road, with the wind in his hair.
Roseanne: 'Cause you know, we've got some really great bikes.
Leon Carp: The answer is me, Roseanne, I'm the guy.

Leon Carp: What is your problem? I have got all of your P.M.S. days circled over there on my calendar; this is not one of them!


"Roseanne: Suck Up or Shut Up (#6.13)" (1994)
Leon Carp: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! We don't charge Mr. Mehlman, of Mehlman Restaurant Supplies. He's our "special friend".
Roseanne Conner: Oh, a "special friend", huh? Well, the food is on the house! If you're sleeping with Leon, it's a miracle you can eat at all.

Roseanne Conner: [after Leon insults her] Oh, now, Leon. I may not have your vast wealth of business experience, nor your great willingness to kiss butt, but I do have something else.
Leon Carp: Really? And what might that be?
Roseanne Conner: [pinches him hard on the chest] Your nipple!
Leon Carp: [knees buckle, he cries out] Owwwwwwww!


"Roseanne: Home Is Where the Afghan Is (#9.10)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: You know what really just fries me? Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls you know... you you paint our fingernails, tell us to always cross our legs and act like little ladies... you're like "don't ever act too smart cause you might not get a man!" and now here you are sitting there, my right wing, conservative, Republican mother... is a great big old lezbo!
Leon Carp: [off Bev's reaction; raises glass] Welcome to the club, Bev!
Scott: [off Bev's reaction; also raises glass] We'll teach you the secret handshake


"Roseanne: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (#4.3)" (1991)
Chuck Mitchell: [Leon has just told the poker group that he's gay] W-W-Well, y-y-you know, um, I-I-I know a gay guy. I, uh, his name's Bill. H-H-He lives in Chicago. M-M-Maybe you know him?
Leon Carp: Yeah, yeah, sure I know him. From Chicago. Gay Bill.
Dan: Smooth, Chucky.
Chuck Mitchell: What? Nobody else was sayin' anything!


"Roseanne: Girl Talk (#7.4)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [Jackie mentions Fred overlooks vital areas in bed] You mean... he'll get in the elevator but he won't go down?
Leon Carp: Well if I wasn't gay before, I certainly would be now.
Roseanne Conner: Well if you wasn't gay before, a hell of a lot of guys owe you a big apology.


"Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (#6.18)" (1994)
Leon Carp: So, Friday night, I'll get my chance to see Rosanne out with my people, huh? That should prove quite entertaining.
Roseanne: Why?
Leon Carp: Well, how can I put this delicately? A gay bar is sort of like a size 12 dress. You just won't fit in.


"Roseanne: Morning Becomes Obnoxious (#8.21)" (1996)
[Cindy Lenner's interview session with Leon in the diner]
Cindy Kenner: [recording] Today we've come to the litte town of Lanford, to ask some local resaurant people the question that's on everyone's lips this election year: 'Is beef back?'.
Roseanne: [on the sideline, to Jackie] Does she have to think up all these questions every single day? When does she find time to not eat?
Leon Carp: [looking terrified] Is beef back? Here at the Lunchbox, located on route 9, just half a mile south of Hanging-Back Caverns, we serve beef, to our customers... So beef is good... And - and remember: Le-on recommends le-en.
Cindy Kenner: [embarrassed, Leon covers his face and runs off-camera] Okay!


"Roseanne: Millions from Heaven (#9.2)" (1996)
Leon Carp: To know what God thinks of money, one only has to look at those, to whom He has given it.


"Roseanne: The Wedding (#8.23)" (1996)
Scott: Now this is nice, why didn't we have an outdoors wedding?
Leon Carp: Snipers.


"Roseanne: Out of the Past (#8.15)" (1996)
Chuck Mitchell: Look, all I know is it's hard for a black man to get a fair shake in this country.
Leon Carp: Oh okay, well you try being a gay man in Lanford, Illinois. I mean, there is nothing like - like having to correct the spelling when somebody paints "faggot" across your garage door.