D.J. Conner
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Quotes for
D.J. Conner (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

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"Roseanne: Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places (#5.6)" (1992)
D.J.: [Darlene catches him trying to hide a spyscope] I was looking at the stars.
Darlene: [looks out the window with the spyscope] Hmm. Oh well, would you look at that? There's a constellation in the shape of a naked next-door neighbor!

D.J.: Mom says I get to name the restaurant!
Darlene: Great. From the boy who named his goldfish "Fluffy".

Molly Tilden: [knocks on the door, Darlene answers, letting her in] Your little brother is doing is again!
Darlene: I told you I'd take care of it and I did. Dee Jaaaaaay!
Molly Tilden: What are you calling him down here for? He'll never admit it.
Darlene: Oh, he won't have to. I put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope so he would be branded the deviate that he is.
D.J.: [comes downstairs with no shoe polish on his eye] What do you want?
Molly Tilden: Brilliant plan.
Darlene: [puzzled] It shoulda worked.
David: [comes downstairs with black shoe polish on his eye] Hey!... What?
[Molly is grinning, Darlene seeths with anger. A sign blocking the screen reads: DUE TO ITS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT NATURE, THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED]


"Roseanne: Don't Make Me Over (#4.24)" (1992)
Darlene: [D.J. is sitting on the counter, kicking the kitchen cabinets with his heels] It's Mother's Day, you moron. Stop trying to tick her off.
Becky: Yea, and go upstairs and hose off whatever stupid thing you made for her in school, and bring it down.
D.J. Conner: Or what!
Darlene: Or we'll bury you under the porch with the rest of our brothers.

D.J. Conner: Here. Happy Mother's Day!
Roseanne Conner: Oh, lookit, it's an ashtray with your picture at the bottom.
Darlene: Aww, it's a shame you quit smoking, you could grind your butts out on his face.

Roseanne Conner: I got a call from D.J.'s school today because he hasn't turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.
Dan: Why not?
Roseanne Conner: Well he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
Dan: [pause] Did I suffer?
Roseanne Conner: No, a sniper shot you.
D.J. Conner: I said I was sorry!
Roseanne Conner: Ever since he got that video game all he's been doing is goofing off.


"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1997)
D.J. Conner: Mark wants to know if he should score a keg.
Roseanne Conner: No, I'll strap the baby on the back of my Harley and take her on her first beer run myself.

Roseanne Conner: [D.J.'s pressed against the wall and about to fall off the bed which moved out underneath him] Is this like a religious thing?
D.J. Conner: A little help here!

Jackie Harris: Alright, that's it, Roseanne, four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of Lemon Pledge.
[imitating Poltergeist]
Jackie Harris: This house is clean!
D.J. Conner: [comes down in rubber gloves and a rag on his head] Okay, I got the bathroom clean as a whistle, okay that sandpaper and bleach goes a long way.
Roseanne Conner: Hey, good job, now get on the phone and tell everybody we're having a welcome-home party for the baby and they gotta get here before the house gets dirty again. Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.


"Roseanne: I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep (#6.22)" (1994)
D.J. Conner: How come we never say grace?
Darlene Conner: Because D.J., grace is for those who are thankful.

D.J. Conner: [confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne Conner: Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.
D.J. Conner: Okay. What religion are we?
Roseanne Conner: I have no idea. Dan?
Dan Conner: Well... my family's Pentecostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.
D.J. Conner: So what do we believe?
Roseanne Conner: Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but we're not practicing.


"Roseanne: The Commercial Show (#4.19)" (1992)
D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in forty years.

D.J.: You're just moving back to Chicago because your mom's getting an operation.
Todd Bowman: No she isn't.
D.J.: She is too, my mom says she's getting a big stick taken out of her butt!


"Roseanne: The Driver's Seat (#6.11)" (1993)
Cop #1: [Roseanne's stolen car was recovered by the police] Well, there is some good news. We were patrolling around the vicinity and found a witness who saw the guy. He decribed him as a juvenile, Caucasian, dark hair, dark eyes, resembling "Eddie Munster".
D.J. Conner: [everyone turns at once and looks at D.J] I gotta get off the phone now.

D.J. Conner: [shouts to the Cops, after Dan and Roseanne figure out that D.J. is the one who stole the car] Don't leave me alone with them!


"Roseanne: Goodbye, Mr. Right (#3.5)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: [Darlene and Becky are cleaning DJ's room for Jackie to sleep in] Where am I supposed to put this junk?
Becky Conner: Just shove it under the bed
[Darlene puts it under the bed and pulls out two boxes]
Darlene Conner: What are these?
[she takes the lid off one of the boxes to see little doll heads]
Darlene Conner: oh my God
Becky Conner: What?
Darlene Conner: He's got a bunch of little heads, Barbie, GI Joe, aw Cher, the little runt's a psycho, what's he do cut their heads off and get rid of the rest of them?
Becky Conner: [takes the lid off the other box to see the doll limbs] No, this is very weird Darlene
Darlene Conner: What are we going to do?
Becky Conner: Just put everything back exactly where you found it
D.J. Conner: [enters] Hi, what are you doing?
Darlene Conner: Nothing, nothing, just cleaning
Becky Conner: We're just cleaning
D.J. Conner: Did you clean my closet?
Becky Conner: No, why?
D.J. Conner: No reason

D.J. Conner: Aunt Jackie, I made you a get well card
Jackie Harris: [reads] Get well soon, oh you're so sweet
Becky Conner: [to Darlene] He's got them all fooled


"Roseanne: A Stash from the Past (#6.4)" (1993)
D.J. Conner: Mom, can Billy sleep over here tonight?
Roseanne Conner: No! He's rude, and I don't like his parents.
D.J. Conner: Well then, can I sleep over there?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, sure.

D.J. Conner: I forgot my sleeping bag! Where is it?
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you know it's behind the house, past the yard in that building where your father always is with the tools and the car!
D.J. Conner: Thanks, Mom!
Roseanne Conner: Oh my God. I'm, like, the worst mother on the face of the Earth.
Dan Conner: No, you're not.
Roseanne Conner: Yes I am, Dan. I don't even know where I sent my kid. Say he falls down or something and breaks one of his organs and he needs a transplant, but I can't give him any of my organs because they're all full of pot!


"Roseanne: Friends and Relatives (#3.2)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [Becky has complained that DJ walked in on her] Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember... I can tell when you're lying
D.J. Conner: It was an accident... could you tell?

D.J. Conner: [Darlene catches D.J. peeking at her] She called me a prevert.
Roseanne Conner: No honey, you're not a prevert, you're a pervert.


"Roseanne: Aliens (#4.25)" (1992)
Roseanne: [Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school] Maybe there's a page missing.
Dan: He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note
[checks the other side]
Dan: no-one was hurt.
Roseanne: DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.
Darlene: That's where the big money is
[she stands up and gets her bag]
D.J. Conner: You're just jealous.
Darlene: You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

Teacher: Your word is Monarch.
Dan: Piece of cake.
D.J. Conner: M-O-N-A-R-C-H, Monarch.
Dan: Too bad.


"Roseanne: Lies My Father Told Me (#6.21)" (1994)
Darlene Conner: [DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him] Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Darlene Conner: Not if I kill you first.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.
D.J. Conner: She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!
Darlene Conner: How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

David Healy: Darlene, I was reading if your grandmother is insane, there's a 1 in 3 chance you might be too. There's a test in here to find out. Question 1, do you put your shoes on one at a time or both at once?
Darlene Conner: Both at once.
David Healy: That was easy. What color is a dog barking?
Darlene Conner: Bright green.
David Healy: Green, bright green, that's good. Triangle, boat, or hat?
D.J. Conner: Triangle?
Darlene Conner: Boat.
David Healy: Right, so far so good.


"Roseanne: White Men Can't Kiss (#7.9)" (1994)
Roseanne: You're kissing that girl, you're doing the play, and that's all there is to it!
D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you!
Roseanne: [pause] Are you *new*?

Dan Conner: Is it because she's black?
D.J.: You'll be mad if I say yes.
Dan Conner: No we won't.
Roseanne: Yes we will!


"Roseanne: The Dark Ages (#5.3)" (1992)
D.J.: I'm bored.
Darlene: And stupid. Don't forget stupid.


"Roseanne: Hair (#2.17)" (1990)
Dan Conner: I meant to say '*Good* job'. Good job.
Roseanne Conner: No, it's not. It's not a good job, it's a degrading job, but nobody there makes me feel like it is.
[Stands up to leave the dinner table]
Roseanne Conner: That's *your* job.
[Roseanne walks to her bedroom; Dan follows]
Darlene Conner: Nice going, D.J.!
D.J. Conner: [loudly] What?


"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
D.J.: [comes running in with a skinned knee] It's really bad! I can see right through to the bone! Look how white it is!
Roseanne: No, that's just your skin, D.J. You need to wear shorts more often.


"Roseanne: Home Is Where the Afghan Is (#9.10)" (1996)
Beverly Harris: And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first!
[looks shocked at what she just said]
Darlene Conner-Healy: [after several reaction shots] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself!
D.J. Conner: Oh God!
[covers his face]
Nana Mary: I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.


"Roseanne: Trouble with the Rubbles (#3.21)" (1991)
Dan Conner: [in the tent with DJ telling him a story] The police knew the killer was crazy. At night he'd look for young unsuspecting campers, and as he crept upon them, he would whistle
[whistles]
Dan Conner: and then he'd HACK them to pieces with a machete.
D.J. Conner: Can I have a machete?
Dan Conner: No.
D.J. Conner: Well? Did they ever catch him?
Dan Conner: Yeah once, they handcuffed him, but he hacked off his own hand to survive, and now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims, and drag their lifeless bodies along the bloody ground.
D.J. Conner: What happened to the machete?
Dan Conner: You can't have one! Anyway, the police have been looking for him for days, he was last seen right here in Lanford.
[a whistle is heard, gasps]
Dan Conner: What was that?
D.J. Conner: What?
Dan Conner: [a shadow of a person with a hook is on the wall of the tent] The whistling killer! Don't make a sound, we'll be safe!
Roseanne: [thrusts in a plastic pirate hook] Arrrrrrrrgh!
D.J. Conner: Mom, I thought you were bringing us something to eat.
Roseanne: [withdraws the hook and thrusts it back in with donuts on it] Arrrrrrrrgh. Well, did we scare ya, Deej?
Dan Conner: Yeah, he was scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.


"Roseanne: Daughters and Other Strangers (#5.25)" (1993)
D.J.: I touched a boob.


"Roseanne: Becky, Beds and Boys (#3.6)" (1990)
Darlene: [DJ is playing the Shadow game] Stop it!
D.J. Conner: Stop it!
Darlene: I mean it!
D.J. Conner: I mean it!
Darlene: I'm gonna kill you!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you!
Darlene: Dad!
D.J. Conner: Dad!
Darlene: It's DJ!
D.J. Conner: It's DJ!
Dan Connor: [Reading the newspaper] What's he doing?
Darlene: I'm gonna kill him!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill him!
[Roseanne enters]
Darlene: Mum!
D.J. Conner: Mum!
Roseanne Conner: What's going on?
Dan Connor: Darlene's saying everything DJ says a second before he says it
Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] That's so immature
Darlene: He's driving me crazy, if he keeps doing it I don't know what I'm going to do
Roseanne Conner: Did you try banging your head against the table, maybe he'll knock himself out


"Roseanne: The Parenting Trap (#7.12)" (1994)
Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa! What's goin' on!
D.J.: [screams] Mom told me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
D.J.: [still screaming] It was about her having her period!
Dan: [pause] As you were.


"Roseanne: Punch and Jimmy (#7.8)" (1994)
Becky: [after David tries to thrown Dan out of his room] You done?
D.J.: Go to hell!
Becky: Hey! You don't talk to me that way. I came down here to help you, boy.


"Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey (#5.23)" (1993)
Roseanne Conner: D.J., where'd you get those jelly beans?
D.J.: From the bin at store.
Roseanne Conner: D.J., I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's *stealing*!


"Roseanne: Crime and Punishment (#5.13)" (1993)
Dan Conner: [to D.J.'s school principle] Well look I, I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read them in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature. My, God! What kind of diseased mind could create something like this?
Dan Conner: ... Oh man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not how we raise our children!
[to D.J.]
Dan Conner: Where did you get this?
D.J. Conner: Darlene made it.


"Roseanne: Don't Make Room for Daddy (#6.17)" (1994)
David Healy: D.J., who would you rather have for a big brother: me or Mark?
D.J.: You.
David Healy: [to Mark] See!
D.J.: Because you can't beat me up like Becky and Darlene can.


"Roseanne: Canoga Time (#1.11)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [Examining a rock concert t-shirt] I don't remember getting this.
Roseanne: I think you got that the same night you got that hissing viper tattoo.
D.J. Conner: You have a tattoo? Can I see?
Roseanne: You're too young.
Dan Conner: Oooh, can I see?
Roseanne: You're too eager.


"Roseanne: Guilt by Disassociation (#2.3)" (1989)
Roseanne: [offering to the family] Hey, I got one more pancake.
D.J.: I want French toast!
Roseanne: Well, you better move to Europe.


"Roseanne: Father's Day (#1.14)" (1989)
Ed Conner: [in the garage] What are you guys doin'?
Roseanne: Me and D.J.'s trapping ants for his ant condo.
D.J. Conner: We put jelly on the bread, Grandpa.
Roseanne: Yeah, and when the ants come out, we smash them over the head with a two-by-four. Same way I caught Dan.


"Roseanne: Death and Stuff (#1.21)" (1989)
D.J. Conner: Did the policeman shoot him?
Roseanne Conner: No honey, he just kind of ran down like when your toys need new batteries.


"Roseanne: Take My Bike, Please! (#4.2)" (1991)
D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days. Nobody's cared.
Roseanne: Oh, that can't be.
D.J.: Uh-huh. The last thing I said was "Cheerios".


"Roseanne: Secrets (#4.23)" (1992)
D.J.: [besides playing video games] There's nothing else to do.
Jackie: Aw, sure there is! When your Mom and I were your age, kids used to ride their bikes all over, and build tree forts, and dress up dogs in funny clothes... all kinds of stuff.
D.J.: Fine. I'll go outside if I have to.
Roseanne: Dress up dogs?
Jackie: Yeah, the little white dog with a black eye.
Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was "The Little Rascals"!


"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Roseanne: Your sister's leaving.
D.J.: [cheerfully] See ya!
Roseanne: [D.J. leaves the room] I hope you know how hard that was for him.


"Roseanne: Trick or Treat (#3.7)" (1990)
Dan Conner: Where've you been?
D.J. Conner: Scaring people.
Dan Conner: Yeah? Well you scared the heck out of me, I didn't know where you were.
D.J. Conner: You mad at me?
Dan Conner: ...Nah, you mad at me?
D.J. Conner: Nah.


"Roseanne: Nine Is Enough (#7.1)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [to Dan] You shave your pits? Is that true?
Mark: Of course it's not true!
[quietly to Dan]
Mark: It isn't true, is it?
D.J. Conner: Cool, when can I shave my pits?


"Roseanne: Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do (#4.17)" (1992)
D.J.: I thought it was good to be a man.
Dan: Oh, no. Not since the late 60's, son.


"Roseanne: Sisters (#7.16)" (1995)
D.J. Conner: [Dan tells D.J. to quit hanging around Jackie's so much] Doesn't Aunt Jackie like me anymore?
Dan Conner: Of course she does, it's just that sometimes, some adults like your aunt Jackie... we just miss you around here! What do you want to go over there all the time for anyway?
D.J. Conner: I have to.
Dan Conner: What do you mean you have to?
D.J. Conner: Well, Darlene and Becky are sisters, and Mom and Aunt Jackie are sisters, and David and Mark are brothers, Mom's new baby's going to be a girl, so I'm going to be the only chance of a brother Andy will have.


"Roseanne: Wait till Your Father Gets Home (#5.16)" (1993)
[first lines]
D.J.: I'm gonna be twelve! I don't want any more babysitters! Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay alone when they were my age!
Roseanne: Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.
D.J.: So when do boys get mature?
Roseanne: We'll let you know as soon as your Dad gets there.


"Roseanne: Mall Story (#1.16)" (1989)
D.J. Conner: Look what I got you, a shoe horn.
Roseanne: Why don't you take it upstairs, wrap it and surprise me?
D.J. Conner: Okay.


"Roseanne: War and Peace (#5.14)" (1993)
Roseanne: With Dan going to jail, we are now officially white trash! Now all we need is some halfwit, sitting in the front lawn, eating dirt.
D.J.: HI!


"Roseanne: Stressed to Kill (#4.9)" (1991)
D.J.: You stink!
Roseanne: I do not!
D.J.: You smell like smoke.
Roseanne: Well, my hair was on fire!


"Roseanne: The Test (#3.1)" (1990)
D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.


"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1993 (#6.10)" (1993)
D.J. Conner: [on the phone] Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark real hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.


"Roseanne: Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (#1.20)" (1989)
D.J. Conner: [after the tornado] Can I outside now?
Roseanne: No, I'm not done hugging you yet.


"Roseanne: It Was Twenty Years Ago Today (#5.20)" (1993)
D.J. Conner: [in the Big and Tall store] Hey Dad, look! I can get this belt around me *three times*!


"Roseanne: Two Down, One to Go (#6.1)" (1993)
D.J. Conner: There's cake in the fridge. Dad, make Mom give us cake.
Dan Conner: [adopting a hilarious hick attitude] Woman, my son here wants cake. So does your man. I'd better see me some cake fixin' goin' on here! Right now! I mean it! Don't make me come over there!
Dan Conner: [Roseanne and Jackie are cracking up. Dan switches back to a normal voice] Son, I just lost control of the house; it's every man for himself.


"Roseanne: No Talking (#2.12)" (1989)
D.J.: [Roseanne isn't talking to Dan, Becky isn't talking to Roseanne] Mom, what's going on?
Roseanne: We're playing a game.
D.J.: Can I play?
Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.


"Roseanne: Language Lessons (#1.4)" (1988)
Roseanne Conner: I hear you did some major redecorating of Darlene's castle.
D.J. Conner: I didn't mean to!
Roseanne Conner: I know you didn't.
D.J. Conner: Darlene called me stupid.
Roseanne Conner: You're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.