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: [about Arnie
] Jackie what would you do? Jackie Harris
: Why are you asking me? Nancy Bartlett
: Well you had a relationship with him. Jackie Harris
] Nancy... I'm eating.
: [reading a note
] Dear Nancy, I know this is hard for you to understand but I have been kidnapped by
: what's that word? Nancy Bartlett
: Aliens... from outer space.
: He could've faced me but instead he left me some stupid note about space creatures sent to take back intelligent life. Roseanne
: Man, are their bosses gonna be ticked.
: [reading a note
] Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice? Roseanne
: Aliens Dan, from outer space. Dan
: Oh,that makes a little more sense. Nancy Bartlett
: Did he say anything? Is there another woman? Dan
: No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.
: [talking about her girlfriend Sharon
] Nothing personal, Roseanne, I just haven't introduced Sharon to any of my friends. Roseanne
: Oh, you mean any of your straight friends, right? Because you've never been able to accept our alternate lifestyle. Well, it isn't a choice, you know.
: [about a bar she and girlfriend Sharon want to go to
] I don't think you'd have such a great time. Jackie
: Sounds like fun. Nancy
: It's a gay bar. Jackie
: Okey-dokey. Roseanne
: Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay. Nancy
: Well, it might! Friday is convert-a-hetero night.
: Thank God we all brought our ovaries with us.
: [announcing her engagement
] It's official: I'm settling for Arnie.
: This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip. Nancy Bartlett
: Oh great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn. Roseanne
: [to Scott
] We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.
: So, Arnie came by my apartment last night. He thinks he can win me back like I'm some big lesbian trophy.
: The women's shelter needs furniture. So if there's anything you don't want, let me know and I'll have it picked up.
: [in a Thrift Store, to Roseanne
] Well, maybe we're not being fair to Nancy. People change. Maybe having a baby is a sign she's becoming less self-involved. Nancy Bartlett
: Guys, look at this stroller. What do you think? Do you think it makes me look fat?
: [Nancy shows up as Roger's date
] Well, Nancy, what's going on? I thought you were our "little gay friend". Nancy Bartlett
: So? Anne-Marie Mitchell
: So, can't you get kicked out of the club for this? Nancy Bartlett
: What? He's a nice guy, and he worships me. Roseanne
: Yeah, but I mean, you know, he's an outie, not an innie.
: [walking into the impersonation hall noticing the real Wayne Newton onstage, whom she thinks is an impersonator, not sporting a mustache
] This guy doesn't even have a mustache! How did he get out of Wayne Newton impersonator school without a mustache? Wayne Newton
: [stops singing
] Hold it, fellas, hold it. Ma'am, I'm sorry if my singing is interrupting your conversation. Roseanne
: Well, not as sorry as I am! Wayne Newton
: Ma'am, I'm going to ask you politely to please take your seat. I'm entertaining! Roseanne
: Oh, somebody has filled your head with LIES! Dan Conner
: Honey, it really IS Wayne Newton! Roseanne
: Yeah right, and I'm Lola Falana, Dan! Wayne Newton
: Well, it's nice to meet you, Miss Falana. My name is Wayne Newton. Roseanne
: No, MY name is Wayne Newton! Nancy 'Lynn' Bartlett
: No, my name is Wayne Newton! Dan Conner
] Oh God, oh God, oh God! Wayne Newton
: Ladies, I'm glad you're having such a good time, because that's what we're all here for, so why don't you sit back, relax and enjoy the song? Roseanne
: Why, are you going to get somebody else to sing it?