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: [running from Roseanne
] Call her off, Dan! Call her off! Dan
: You gotta appreciate my situation here, Arn. She's my wife. I gotta let her hurt ya.
: [to Roseanne
] All right, I was a weasel to snake out on Nancy like that, but that marriage thing was harder than I thought, you know? One morning I woke up and I couldn't breathe. There was this heavy weight on my chest. It was Nancy. She was trying to kill me. So I got the hell out of there.
: You can't just go over there, Arnie, a lot of things have changed in this town since you were here last. Arnie Thomas
: Like what? Roseanne
: Like, Nancy's a lesbian, and we got a new Lens Crafter.
: Knock, Knock. Aliens
: Who's there? Arnie Thomas
: Orange. Aliens
: Orange who? Arnie Thomas
: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Can I drive? Alien #1
: We said No. Arnie Thomas
: Oh come on, it's not like I'm gonna hit nothing. Alien #2
: If you don't stop this behavior, we're gonna have to separate you again.
: You know what I could go for? Some companionship
] Arnie Thomas
: hey you! Did you used to be a chick?
] Alien #2
: Does he know he's to be a pet for your son? Alien #1
: Yes, he's fine with it.
: I could go for something to eat Roseanne Conner
: Yeah? Well, then go
[she motions toward the front door
: [about wives
] Well, they lie to us too. Last year Roseanne smashed up the front of my truck, and swore it happened while it was parked at the mall. Ray
: Oh, that's an old one. Arnie Thomas
: Man, did you call her on it, Dan. Dan
: What, and waste all that guilt? To this day, when I mention how good my truck used to look, I get chocolate cake for dessert. If I squeeze out a couple of tears... Dan
: [finger snap, snap
] Cool Whip.
: Arnie what you supposed to be? Arnie Thomas
: I'm Elvis' ghost man!
: [after a near miss with a wrecking ball on Dan's jobsite
] I'm more embarrassed than anything else. I crawl out of that thing with my pants down around my ankles, I looked up, there's thirty people standing around staring at me. Arnie Thomas
: Man, and it was really an awkward moment. No one knew what to do. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.