Roseanne Conner
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Quotes for
Roseanne Conner (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

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"Roseanne: Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (#1.20)" (1989)
[During a tornado]
Roseanne: What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

[during a tornado]
Jackie: Roseanne, I wanna live.
Roseanne: Think it over.

Roseanne: [after Becky disappears somewhere amidst the approaching tornado] Let's go get her and beat the hell out of her before the tornado gets her.

Roseanne: [after Darlene scares her] That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

Crystal: Come on, you guys. You're missing out on marshmallows.
Roseanne: Roseanne
[to Jackie]
Roseanne: Come on, sis. Marshmallows. Food of the gods. We'll have a regular oink fest.

Becky Conner: Mother, this is no time to fool around.
Roseanne: Yeah, you're right. Okay, everybody, panic!

Roseanne: Come on, Crystal. Why don't you sit down and relax.
Crystal: I can't relax.
Roseanne: All right. Clean my house.

Jackie: [to Roseanne] I wasn't trying to scare you.
Roseanne: You don't have to try. Your whole life scares me.

D.J. Conner: [after the tornado] Can I outside now?
Roseanne: No, I'm not done hugging you yet.

Crystal Anderson-Conner: [while she's making marshmallows] Roseanne, how do you like yours? How do you like yours, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Oh, how I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Dan Conner: A tornado is wild, untamed power. What's the word I'm looking for?
Roseanne: George Bush?

D.J. Conner: What about food?
Dan Conner: Good idea, D.J. Food. Canned goods, uh, fresh water...
Roseanne: Now, Dan, this is an emergency. We need real food like caramel corn and cheese puffs.

D.J. Conner: Mom, is it safe to watch TV?
Roseanne: No safer than before.

Becky Conner: [to Roseanne] I'm writing in my diary everything that's happening just in case.
Roseanne: Oh, honey. You're gonna make it. You'll survive this horrible moment and grow up and have horrible moments with your own kids.

Dan Conner: We don't have to talk about this.
Roseanne: Well, yeah, we do, Dan. Maybe not now, but sometime we do.
Dan Conner: No, we don't.
Roseanne: Why not?
Dan Conner: Because nothing bad is ever going to happen.
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, you're right. "Roseanne Conner celebrated yet another birthday today. She was 264 years old."

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Come on out here. I want to show you the sky.
[he and Roseanne go outside]
Dan Conner: I was on the job site. The clouds started spreading out like india ink. It's kind of like "Close Encounters."
[a sound of thunder is heard]
Dan Conner: Oh, man. Look at that cumulonimbus.
Roseanne: Well, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Jackie: Those punks trashed my apartment. I'm only trying to get back what's mine plus a little compensation for my mental anguish.
Roseanne: Your mental anguish? What about me? I've been married for 15 years.

Becky Conner: [to Darlene] How come my new sweater is at the bottom of your grungy closet?
Roseanne: Because everything in the free world is at the bottom of that grungy closet.

Dan: [to Roseanne] Take a deep breath. You know what that smells like?
[puts a garbage can near Roseanne and walks away]
Dan: What's the word I'm looking for?
Roseanne: Garbage.

Darlene: [When a trash can blows by, crashing into the house] What was that?
Roseanne: That was God saying, "Get your butt inside!"

Darlene: This is so cool! Are we gonna have a hurricane?
Dan: No, baby. We don't get hurricanes this far inland.
Roseanne: Yeah, those coastal towns have all the fun.

Dan: I'm gonna call Fred and Beatrice. See if we can use their cellar as a storm cellar.
Roseanne: I thought we agreed to see less of them.
Dan: Honey, this is a disaster.
Roseanne: So was their last party.

Becky Conner: I gotta call Diane, tell her I can't come tonight.
Roseanne: Well, you can tell her later when her house flies by our window.

Roseanne: Dan, I'm scared. I'm scared about Jackie. I'm scared about everything.
Dan: It'll be okay.
[gives her a quick pat on the back and walks away]
Roseanne: Well, thank God you always know the right thing to say.

Crystal Anderson-Conner: I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and I almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there.
Roseanne: Great. No more Geraldo.

Darlene: What good's a tornado if you can't see it?
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, you're right. Why don't you guys go out and play?

Dan: [after Becky goes outside in the storm to get her animals] Becky, what the hell were you thinking about? You could have been killed?
Becky Conner: So could Pebbles and Bam-Bam. I gotta go get Waffles. He needs his medicine.
[is about to run off, but Roseanne stops her]
Roseanne: Hey, I don't care if Pancakes needs a pacemaker. You're not going no place.

Jackie: [to Roseanne] When I was on my way back over here, I saw that thing.
Roseanne: The tornado?
Jackie: Yeah, and I had my camera with me, so I though I'd move in on it and snap a few.
Roseanne: How could you do something that crazy?
Jackie: Well, Dad used to put us all in the Buick and go chasing storms.
Roseanne: Well, Dad was a lunatic!
Jackie: You can't believe the power of that thing. It wipes out one house and it leaves the next one untouched. There's absolutely no rhyme or reason. It's beyond our control. Nothing means anything!
Roseanne: Have you been talking to Mom?

Crystal Anderson-Conner: [as the tornado is almost near and everyone huddles together in the living room]
[shouting over the noise from the tornado]
Crystal Anderson-Conner: I just want you all to know that I love you very much!
Roseanne: What?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: I love you!
Roseanne: We love you too! Now, shut up!

Crystal: [while taking photos of the house after the tornado] Okay, everybody look horrified.
Roseanne: It'll be hard to top my wedding photo.

Dan: [to Roseanne] Looks like we lucked out again, huh, kid?
Roseanne: Yeah. Well, think about it. If you were a tornado, would you want to come in this house?
Dan: [pauses to think] What is that, one of them zen riddles?


"Roseanne: War and Peace (#5.14)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: This is weird. I hate going to the emergency room. It reminds me of the pussy willow. Remember the pussy willow, Roseanne?
Roseanne Conner: All I said was I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one that crammed it up there.

Roseanne Conner: And now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene Conner: Ok.

Chuck Mitchell: [to Dan] So what's the story, man? I heard you took out three guys in a bowling alley?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: I thought it was a poker game.
Roseanne Conner: Well Dan, according to the people at Buy-and-Bag, you went on a drunken rampage, beat up six guys and took out a pay phone.

Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] If you ever come near her again, you're gonna have to deal with me and I am way more dangerous than Dan. I got a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.

Roseanne: Jackie, we can get more boxes. I will whore myself at every grocery store in town if that's what it takes.

Roseanne: Well, people have been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, We are officially poor white trash. Now all we need is some little half-wit sitting in the front yard eating dirt.
D.J.: [comes into the scene] Hi!

Roseanne Conner: [helping Jackie pack, picks up a stereo] Have you got a cord for this?
Jackie Harris: That's not mine. That's Fisher's.
Roseanne Conner: [drops the stereo] Whoops.
[picks up a vase]
Roseanne Conner: Hey, what about this? Is this yours?
Jackie Harris: That's mine!

Fisher: [When Roseanne's carrying a TV out of Fisher's place] Um, that's mine.
Roseanne Conner: [drops the TV on the ground] God! I just hate myself for that!

Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people and that's why I don't like none of 'em.

Fisher: Roseanne, I know you're upset with me, but you gotta understand. I really hate myself for this.
Roseanne: Oh, that's good. And I really hope that you get your life together, but if you don't, I hope the next brother-in-law kills you.

Roseanne: [to Fisher] If you think for one second that you hurting my sister doesn't have everything to do with me, Dan must have hit you harder than I thought.

Roseanne: [to Jackie] God, you are the most gutless, pathetic thing i've ever seen.
Jackie Harris: I know you're just saying that 'cause you're worried about me.

Roseanne: [to Jackie] You can't have a decent relationship because you're still looking for the same kind of relationship that we had as kids with Dad.
Jackie Harris: What about you? You grew up in the same house.
Roseanne: Hey, I didn't say I was healthy.

Roseanne: [to Jackie] I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.

Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] What's going on?
Roseanne: I'm taking Aunt Jackie to the hospital.
Darlene Conner: Fisher hit her, didn't he?
Roseanne: I'm not supposed to tell you that. Yeah, he did. And now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene Conner: Okay.
Roseanne: Okay, we need milk.
[hands Darlene money]
Roseanne: And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
Darlene Conner: What?


"Roseanne: Workin' Overtime (#1.19)" (1989)
Dan Conner: Where'd you find a flower this time of night?
Roseanne Conner: The cemetery.

Booker Brooks: Listen up, I got an important announcement.
Roseanne Conner: You're a woman trapped in a man's body?

Booker Brooks: [to Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal who are arguing with each other] Hey, knock off the yelling in there!
Roseanne Conner: We're just practicing the company cheer, Booker.

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] Okay, tell Dwight to tell Dad that I got overtime tonight so he has to pick up dinner for you kids.
Becky Conner: Great. Can we get Chipper Chicken?
Roseanne Conner: You can get Happy Hamster for all I care.

Roseanne Conner: Becky, I ask you to do one thing and you didn't do any of 'em. You gotta learn some responsibility here. I mean, you are the oldest daughter, the second woman in command. You're the heiress to my throne here.
Becky Conner: All right. I'll go fold the royal underwear.

Roseanne Conner: [to D.J. about his picture] This is a pretty picture. Is this the one for school?
[D.J nods]
Roseanne Conner: There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?
D.J. Conner: Right there.
[points at the picture]
Roseanne Conner: That looks like a bunch of flowers.
D.J. Conner: I know. That's her grave.

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Hey, I heard about the overtime. How long?
Roseanne Conner: I don't know. Two weeks maybe.
Dan Conner: Oh, man. That's really gonna be tight. I gotta finish roofing that garage, plus I got two driveways to pour. Plus Dwight says they might a drywall job lined up for me.
Roseanne Conner: Plus we gotta live through it.

Dan Conner: Hey, Becky. Get in here. We gotta discuss something.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, God. This ain't the Ward Cleaver speech, isn't it?

Roseanne Conner: Rule number one, no painting in the house and rule number two, no animals in the house. Rule number three...
[a loud noise is heard]
Darlene Conner: Mom!
Roseanne Conner: No children in the house.

Crystal Anderson: I did some figuring last night. By the time I pay my daytime baby-sitter and then pay her extra to drive my boy across town to the nighttime sitter and then pay for all the gasoline, I figure this overtime is costing me a $1.25 an hour.
Roseanne Conner: Don't forget to add in the guilt.

Jackie Harris: I supposed you're gonna point the finger at me.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and you know which one.

Roseanne Conner: Becky, there's paint all over the rug.
Becky Conner: Oh, Pebbles got loose and ran across D.J.'s painting.
Roseanne Conner: Well, this paint better come off or that pig's gonna be mounted above the fireplace.
Becky Conner: Don't worry. It's washable.
Roseanne Conner: Well, then wash it and find another place to live.

Roseanne Conner: [When Dan and Darlene come home] Where've you been?
Dan Conner: Standing in front of South Elementary gym for the last hour looking for your daughter.
Darlene Conner: Mom, I couldn't help it. The band room was locked.
Dan Conner: For 45 minutes? I thought you were kidnapped.
Darlene Conner: I wish I had been.
Roseanne Conner: Well, go up to your room and leave the window open. Maybe you'll get lucky.

Roseanne Conner: Why is it that a guy can hoist a three-ton truck to check for an oil leak but he can't lift a two-ounce toaster to clean up crumbs?

Roseanne Conner: [to the waitress] Hey, let me ask you something. Do you ever have to work overtime?
Waitress: Honey, my whole life is overtime.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, I know what you mean. I gotta check in the hospital just to get a vacation.
Waitress: As long as it isn't the maternity ward.


"Roseanne: Aliens (#4.25)" (1992)
Dan: [on the phone, sucking up to a banker/friend; he covers the mouth-piece and asks Roseanne] Which one's the genius?
Roseanne: The little-one, Katie.
Darlene: The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

Mike Summers: Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How'ya doin'?
Roseanne: Great.
Mike Summers: Good, I'm going door-to-door, trying to get to know my constituents.
Roseanne: Oh, door-to-door, huh. That takes a lot of time. Why don'tcha just go down to the unemployment office, and see everybody all at once.

Mike Summers: We can't let this area's work-force lay idle. That's why bringing in new business is my number-one priority.
Roseanne: How?
Mike Summers: Through tax incentives. See, we're gonna make it cheaper for out-of-state businesses to set up shop right here in Lanford.
Roseanne: So they get a tax break?
Mike Summers: Yeah, that's why they come here.
Roseanne: Well, who's gonna pay the taxes that they ain't paying?
Mike Summers: Well, you... you will. But you'll be working... good, steady employment.
Roseanne: Union wages?
Mike Summers: Well, now, part of the reason these companies are finding it so expensive to operate in other locations is...
Roseanne: [Roseanne cuts him off] Soooo, they're gonna dump the union, so they can come here and hire us at scab wages, and then for *that* privilege... we get to pay their taxes?
Mike Summers: [pause] Is your husband home?

Dan: [the following evening at the bike shop, after Mike Summers's visit to the Conner home; he walks in the door] Can I help you?
Mike Summers: Yeah, Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How are you doin'? Yeah, I'm meeting with small businessmen in the area, trying to get a sense of what their conse...
Roseanne: [Roseanne comes in from the back of the shop and sees him] Hey!
Mike Summers: Oh hell no!
[he turns and runs out the front door, with Roseanne hot on his tail]
Roseanne: Hey! Wait up!

Roseanne: [to Mike Summers] My son is gonna have to wear my daughters hand me downs, for real this time, not just for fun.

Darlene: Yo Mum, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?
Roseanne: Let's see, serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?

Roseanne: [Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school] Maybe there's a page missing.
Dan: He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note
[checks the other side]
Dan: no-one was hurt.
Roseanne: DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.
Darlene: That's where the big money is
[she stands up and gets her bag]
D.J. Conner: You're just jealous.
Darlene: You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

Roseanne: [reading a note] Dear Nancy, I know this is hard for you to understand but I have been kidnapped by
[to Nancy]
Roseanne: what's that word?
Nancy Bartlett: Aliens... from outer space.

Nancy Bartlett: He could've faced me but instead he left me some stupid note about space creatures sent to take back intelligent life.
Roseanne: Man, are their bosses gonna be ticked.

Dan: [reading a note] Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice?
Roseanne: Aliens Dan, from outer space.
Dan: Oh,that makes a little more sense.
Nancy Bartlett: Did he say anything? Is there another woman?
Dan: No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.

Darlene: Hey Mum, did you tell DJ to wash his hair?
Roseanne: Yeah.
Darlene: Oh well you should've told him to take his blazer off first.
Roseanne: Why does he do that!

Teacher: [to Roger] You don't have to be embarrassed, you did very well and whenever you do your very best, you're never a loser.
Dan: [quietly] Yeah he is.
Roseanne: Spell "goodnight" Roger.

Teacher: Your word is...
Roseanne: ...please be a word he knows...
Teacher: Foreclosure.
[Dan puts his arm around Roseanne, they smile]

[about the motorcycle Dan sold for a hundred bucks less than he bought it for]
Roseanne: I know how hard you worked on it.
Dan: We'll screw the next guy over real good.


"Roseanne: Trick or Treat (#3.7)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: D.J., instead of a witch, you wanna dress up like Madonna?

Dan Conner: He's dressed up as a witch. Witches are girls
Roseanne Conner: This is the 90s, Dan, witches are women.

Roseanne Conner: Darlene went as a pirate for 3 years.
Dan Conner: That was cute, this is different, if he goes out dressed as a witch, he'll come back with a bloody nose.
Roseanne Conner: That... is so stupid.

Roseanne Conner: You can't judge your life according to what men think!
Crystal Anderson: What's your name?
Roseanne Conner: Don't you recognize me?
Crystal Anderson: Maybe you could refresh my memory, where might've we met?
Roseanne Conner: At Roseanne's house
Crystal Anderson: Roseanne?
Roseanne Conner: Trick or treat
Crystal Anderson: I knew it was you
Roseanne Conner: No you didn't
Crystal Anderson: I was just playing along
Roseanne Conner: You were ready to sleep with me
Crystal Anderson: I was gonna make you buy me dinner first

Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne and Pat are about to fight] I'm a woman
Pat: You will be when I'm done with ya

Pete: [Roseanne is dressed up like a lumberjack] What can I get for ya sweetheart?
Jackie Harris: White wine
Pete: And what about you fella?
[Roseanne is shocked]
Pete: Come on pal, I'm busy here, what can I get ya?
Roseanne Conner: [in a manly voice] Give me a beer

Jackie Harris: Roseanne don't do it, you'll embarrass both of us
Roseanne Conner: Call me Bob

Pat: Hey Bob looks like you're old lady's making a move on the fireman
Roseanne Conner: Yeah well we have an open relationship
Pat: Is that because you can't keep her in line?
Roseanne Conner: Well it's hard enough to control a woman that ain't inflatable!
[to Jackie]
Roseanne Conner: Yo bitch!
[quietly]
Roseanne Conner: You are making me look bad in front of the guys
Jackie Harris: Hey I don't see any ring on this finger

Jackie Harris: Power tools?
Roseanne Conner: That's just their little code for fallopians approaching
Jackie Harris: What are they talking about?
Roseanne Conner: Y'know, their first time, their last time, how many times then they all spit and go home

Pat: This brode is so hot, I thought she was gonna kill me, she pulls out this suitcase full of sex toys, I think this brode is freaky
Bill: As long as you're getting your battery charged, what's the difference?
Mike: As long as you're getting your car washed, might as well go for the hot wax
Roseanne Conner: I just don't get what she'd want with you when she's got a suitcase full of sex toys
Pat: Is that supposed to be a joke?
Roseanne Conner: Okay

Roseanne Conner: [At the urinal in the men's room] Hey, how you doing?
Pat: Fine
Roseanne Conner: You catch that Black Hawks game on TV?
Pat: No
Roseanne Conner: So you're a Bulls fan huh?
[Pat doesn't respond]
Roseanne Conner: Oh I get it, it's like an elevator

Dan Conner: [Dan's upset D.J.'s dressed as a witch] Why couldn't he have picked something normal like a vampire or a nice axe murderer?
Roseanne Conner: Like Lizzie Borden?


"Roseanne: My Name Is Bev (#7.14)" (1995)
Roseanne: [Roseanne thinks her mother was arrested for speeding] I can't believe Mom was speeding, she does everything slow; she walks slow, she eats slow, she *dies* slow.

Bev Harris: [an officer informs her that for a first D.U.I. offense, she will have to attend Alcoholics Anonymous, aka A.A] What! I'm not an alcoholic! I only had *one* glass of wine!
Roseanne: Well, it doesn't count as *one* glass if you refill it *ten times*!

Jackie: [Roseanne and Jackie accompany their mother to her first A.A. meeting] Well, I always wondered what an A.A. meeting looked like.
Roseanne: Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.

Bev Harris: [at her first A.A. meeting] This is soooo degrading! I don't even know why I'm here.
Roseanne: Well then, let me remind you; glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

Jackie: My God, I can't believe, all these years, Mom's... a drunk.
Roseanne: Yeah, you think she woulda been more fun.

Roseanne: [to Jackie about spending the day with their Mom] But it's your turn! I have to make fifty pigs in the blanket, to give the twenty pigs in the living room!

Roseanne: Jackie, we've got to get Mom out of there before those other prisoners start passing her around like a pack of smokes.

Dan Conner: I thought I just heard your mother... like those guys from Nam who thought they still heard the choppers.
Roseanne: Yeah, or more like the guys from Nam who were still in Nam.

Bev Harris: [after the A.A. meeting] I'm an alcoholic.
Roseanne: Come on, Mom, is this like the time you saw Witness and thought you were Amish?

Roseanne: Dan doesn't drink too much, given the life he lives I don't think he drinks enough.

Roseanne: [walking around drunken Dan and Jackie in circles] Mom said you guys were out in the garage and you were all drinking. I told her they could not possibly be drinking because they know they can't drink when Mom's here, and I also know that can't be because if that were true, me doing this would make you both want to puke.
Dan Conner: [sickened] Stop, please!

Roseanne: Get out.
Bev Harris: What?
Roseanne: Get out of here before *I* have a drink. You're not just a drunk, you're a carrier.
Bev Harris: I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne, don't you know what that means?
Roseanne: Yeah, I know what it means, it means you drink like you always drank, only now you say you're an alcoholic because you think that that way you don't have to take any responsibility for anything that you do.


"Roseanne: Nightmare on Oak Street (#1.15)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: So what is it?
Darlene Conner: [beat] I got my period, alright?

Jackie Harris: So what's going on here?
Roseanne Conner: Darlene got her period last night.
Jackie Harris: Really? She's only 11.
Roseanne Conner: I was 11 when I got my period.
Jackie Harris: Yeah but you were already wearing a D cup.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, two of them.

Roseanne Conner: I was up all night ghostbusting.
Dan Conner: D.J. have a nightmare?
Roseanne Conner: I don't know, I was too busy with Darlene.

Roseanne Conner: [Darlene's throwing away her catcher mitt and baseball because they're not considered girl things] These are girl things, Darlene as long as girls continue to use them.

Jackie Harris: [about their periods] You were always so weird like you were looking forward to it.
Roseanne Conner: Well, yeah. It was the one thing Mom had no control over.

Becky Conner: I wonder what people did before television.
Roseanne Conner: They made dolls out of corn cobs and stared at fire.

Dan Conner: I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up and it would get closer. And I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.
Roseanne Conner: You're scary.

Jackie Harris: [about Darlene getting her period] Poor kid's just been sentenced to 35 years of monthly inconvenience.
Roseanne Conner: Well, gee, Jackie, I only hope I can find a way to impart that enlightened viewpoint onto my daughter.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] Now you get to be a part of the whole cycle of things.
[Darlene scoffs]
Roseanne Conner: You know, the moon and the water and the seasons. It's almost magical, Darlene and you should be really proud today 'cause this is the beginning of a lot of really wonderful things in your life.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, cramps.
Roseanne Conner: Well, I'll admit that's one of the highlights.

Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] I think after a good night's sleep, I'll feel better in the morning.
Roseanne Conner: I don't know how to tell you this, but you ain't gonna feel better for about 40 years.

Darlene Conner: Name one good thing that could come out of this whole mess!
Roseanne Conner: Okay, I can name three. Becky, D.J., and what's that other kid's name? You know the kind of bratty one?
Darlene Conner: Mom!
Roseanne Conner: No, it's not Mom. It's... what is it?
Darlene Conner: ...Darlene.


"Roseanne: Becky, Beds and Boys (#3.6)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: We need to get a new bed!
Dan Connor: You mean a brand new bed?
Roseanne Conner: No. One some old person *died* in.

Darlene: If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.
Roseanne Conner: See Dan I told you he was small for his age

Darlene: [Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
Roseanne Conner: No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

Roseanne Conner: [after Becky's new boyfriend smarts off to Dan and Roseanne] I want to go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.

[Dan pushes her shoulder]
Roseanne Conner: Not now Dan
[Dan pushes her shoulder twice]
Roseanne Conner: Okay but hurry it up

Dan Connor: Help me flip the mattress, come on Roseanne you've gotta get up
Roseanne Conner: Well you didn't tell me that was part of it

Darlene: [DJ is playing the Shadow game] Stop it!
D.J. Conner: Stop it!
Darlene: I mean it!
D.J. Conner: I mean it!
Darlene: I'm gonna kill you!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you!
Darlene: Dad!
D.J. Conner: Dad!
Darlene: It's DJ!
D.J. Conner: It's DJ!
Dan Connor: [Reading the newspaper] What's he doing?
Darlene: I'm gonna kill him!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill him!
[Roseanne enters]
Darlene: Mum!
D.J. Conner: Mum!
Roseanne Conner: What's going on?
Dan Connor: Darlene's saying everything DJ says a second before he says it
Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] That's so immature
Darlene: He's driving me crazy, if he keeps doing it I don't know what I'm going to do
Roseanne Conner: Did you try banging your head against the table, maybe he'll knock himself out

Dan Connor: [At the Lobo Lounge] Isn't that Becky's boyfriend, he's drinking, what the hell's he doing here!
Roseanne Conner: Where the hell you going!
Dan Connor: To say Hello
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, if you go over there, you'll get all mad and punch him or something
[They go over together]
Roseanne Conner: Hey remember us?
Mark Healy: Yeah
Roseanne Conner: Fine and you?
Mark Healy: I'm alright
Dan Connor: What are you doing here?
Mark Healy: Are we gonna have another one of your little chats?
Roseanne Conner: Chat this!
Dan Connor: Honey, honey
[Mark sits on a stool]
Dan Connor: You're only 18 right?
Mark Healy: Yeah well I've got a little piece of paper that says I'm 21
Dan Connor: How old are you when you're out with our daughter?
Mark Healy: Depends on the place
Dan Connor: I'm gonna ask you the question again and keep in mind you're talking to the girl's father
Mark Healy: Yeah, well you think you can stop me from seeing Becky huh?
Dan Connor: I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow
Roseanne Conner: Me too!

Dan Connor: We saw Mark tonight
Becky Conner: Where was he?
Roseanne Conner: Over at the Lobo, he was drinking, it may come as a shock to you but he has a fake ID
Dan Connor: We told him to stay away from you and you're staying away from him
Becky Conner: Oh my God, I can't believe this, why? I never went drinking with him
Dan Connor: And you never will
Becky Conner: This is so typical of you, you have to put your noses in something that's none of your business!
Dan Connor: You are our business
[they start arguing]
Dan Connor: stop with the attitude!
Becky Conner: He's the greatest guy I've ever met, you just don't like him and you're taking it on me!
[she goes upstairs]
Dan Connor: Remember a time when she was so sweet, so innocent, so loving
Roseanne Conner: I remember that time, I barely got to Thursday

Becky Conner: Okay I'm busted, I wasn't at Judi's, I was at Monica's, I know how much you hate her so I had Judy cover
Roseanne Conner: That's one
Dan Connor: Where were you?
Becky Conner: I told you Monica's, okay her parents weren't home
Roseanne Conner: That's two
Becky Conner: Two what?
Roseanne Conner: Two weeks grounded, you wanna go for three or are we gonna hear Mark?
Dan Connor: You lied to us, you never understood what you did, that's never gonna happen again
Becky Conner: I'm never going to see him again and thanks to my mother who made me call every 15 minutes, he's probably never going to want to see me again anyway
Roseanne Conner: Probably? What if he probably does?
Dan Connor: You put your mother and I through a lot of crap

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] Just because Mark's never going to see her again, doesn't mean she's ever going to date someone we approve of, I mean the next guy could be like an axe murderer


"Roseanne: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (#4.3)" (1991)
Roseanne: [trying to return a dog D.J. brought home] Yeah, You wouldn't believe the day Lorrain's had. First, first her car breaks down, and now a kitchen fire. And, ah man, the way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing is, that some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

Darlene: [everyone walks into the kitchen, except D.J; they discover a muttly dog standing in D.J.'s chair at the table, and eating cereal out of his bowl] What's this?
Roseanne: Dan, I told you we shouldn't let D.J. have that chemistry set.

Dan: [about the dog D.J. brought home] He is cute.
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, well, you just fall in love with anything that licks your nose.

Roseanne: [on the phone with Lorraine, the mother of the boy who gave D.J. the dog] Hello, Lorraine? Yeah, it's Roseanne Conner... Yeah! Yeah, your dog's here... No, I don't blame you at all, you had to take a shot...

Dan: You know, I feel sorry for that little dog, nobody wants him. It's so pitiful.
Roseanne: That reminds me, I need to call Jackie...

Bonnie Watkins: When I'm feeling down, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone.
Roseanne: Well, see, now, that's where we differ. When I'm in a bad mood, I can't wait to spread it around.

Roseanne: [to Gordon, the security guard who is worried that he will be fired if anyone finds out that he let Roseanne and her friend into Rodbell's diner after closing] Oh Gordon, if you get fired, it'll be because of those "Mr. Lonely" parties you have in the mattress department.

Roseanne: [shouts] What the hell were you *thinking*!
Jackie: [hysterically] I was thinking, that I just lost a great guy like Gary, and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy! I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arms, and pelican neck! And all my house plants are dead, and no one loves me; but what difference does that make anyway, because everything in my life *sucks*!

Jackie: [about sleeping with Arnie] I was drunk... I-I made a mistake.
Roseanne: A mistake? A mistake. Jackie. Do I have to remind you that when we were all in high school, every one of us took a *blood* oath, that this man would never be given the chance to *breed*!

Dan: [walks into the living room] Hey Hunny, why didn't you tell me Leon is gay?
Roseanne: [snarls] What difference does it make? You're all *pigs*!
[without a word, Dan makes a hasty retreat back to the kitchen]

Dan: Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!


"Roseanne: Goodbye, Mr. Right (#3.5)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: I don't want to do anything else! I put on that uniform and people respect me! I get to do something that means something, that protects people, and helps people, even if it means risking my life.
Roseanne Conner: Jackie, you tackled a naked guy and grabbed for...
Jackie Harris: I coulda *swore* it was a gun!

Jackie Harris: He walked in here, and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Roseanne Conner: Well so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Jackie Harris: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but *you* won't seem to go away!

Jackie Harris: I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like Dan does for you.
Roseanne Conner: Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into Dan? You think he came out of a *box* like that!

Gary Hall: [about the motorbike] I can still feel it
Dan Conner: It's supposed to feel that way
Roseanne Conner: [enters] Can I get you a cigarette or something?

Gary Hall: She's always doing this to me, I'll be at the Cineplex waiting for 40 hours and she's down at the station printing perps
Dan Conner: Does she really say that? Printing perps?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah she's really into all this police lingo, whenever I go over there she's always eyeballing a mug shot, grilling a dirt bag or frisking a biscuit

Darlene Conner: I worked it out with Becky, she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out
Roseanne Conner: Why would she do that?
Darlene Conner: I have dirt on her
Roseanne Conner: What kind of dirt?
Darlene Conner: Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home
[she leaves]
Darlene Conner: [Becky enters]
Roseanne Conner: What do you think your punishment oughta be?
Becky Conner: What do you mean?
Roseanne Conner: Darlene told me everything
Becky Conner: That little rat
Roseanne Conner: But I told her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story
Becky Conner: Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh
Roseanne Conner: You're getting good

[Dan is acting like a hunchback]
Dan Conner: I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?
Roseanne Conner: Just put it anywhere Igor
Dan Conner: Maybe later you and me
Roseanne Conner: We'll see
Dan Conner: You're so kind
[kisses her hand]

Darlene Conner: Mum if DJ was doing something weird and I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away right?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah but he'd probably find his way back like you always do, what's going on?
Becky Conner: He's doing something really weird
Roseanne Conner: I'm so tired of this, I'm really, really sick of it, every time he does anything, you come down here squawking about it, I told you before he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does things differently, he's a boy
[they show her the box of doll heads]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, DJ's got a hobby
Becky Conner: Mother these are my old dolls!
Dan Conner: Oh geez he's not playing with dolls is he?
[Roseanne shows him the doll head]
Dan Conner: That's a relief
Darlene Conner: You don't think this is insane?
Dan Conner: Well this one kind of looks like Darlene, she put up quite a bit of a struggle
Darlene Conner: You guys are sick!
Roseanne Conner: He does thing's differently
Darlene Conner: Alright but when we finally do end up having to lock the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

Roseanne Conner: [about DJ's behavior] Dan you did stuff like that when you were DJ's age right?
Dan Conner: No, the boy's odd

Dan Conner: [Dan and Gary are forming a gang] We need to get you one of them biker names
Gary Hall: How bout Psycho?
Roseanne Conner: No, we're saving that for DJ

Jackie Harris: [melodramatically] Roseanne, because of my back injury, I may wind up... behind a desk.
Roseanne Conner: [pause, sarcastically crooning] You poor thing, can I do my little happy dance now?


"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Hey. Coffee maker's broke again.
Roseanne Conner: So are we. So fix it!
Dan Conner: [reaching for the coffee-maker cord] I'm sorry, honey, I've done everything I can. We'll have to let go. I'm pulling the plug.

Jackie Harris: [after Dan informs Roseanne that her coffee maker is dead] Be nice, Roseanne. I brought you breakfast.
Roseanne Conner: Awww, coffee cake. Ironic, isn't it?

Roseanne: Your sister's leaving.
D.J.: [cheerfully] See ya!
Roseanne: [D.J. leaves the room] I hope you know how hard that was for him.

Mark Healy: [to Roseanne about Becky] Hey, I'm gonna take care of her, okay? Just back off.
Roseanne Conner: [snickers] Foolish boy. Oh, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well, now I'm family, And you've seen the way I treat my family.

Becky: [to Roseanne over the phone] We're only coming back if you agree to some ground rules.
Roseanne Conner: What kind of rules?
Becky: Number one, no yelling. Number two, you can't...
Roseanne Conner: Well, nice talking to you, Becky.
Becky: Come on, Mom. You said you wouldn't hang up. Look, you can have some rules too.
Roseanne Conner: Okay. No eloping.
Becky: Mom...
Roseanne Conner: Well, don't come walking in this house like you've won some great, big victory over me and your dad. Don't be expecting our blessing, don't be expecting any money and don't be expecting.

Roseanne Conner: Well, I'd love to stay and chat with you, Becky, but I have to slam the phone down now.

Becky: [to Roseanne] So, how are things around here?
Roseanne Conner: How do you think?
Becky: He needed a job. He had to go. What was I supposed to do?
Roseanne Conner: Well, how about let him go? Do you think he'd drop everything to follow you some place?
Becky: Yes, I do. You know, it was Mark's idea to get married.
Roseanne Conner: Well, call me old-fashioned, but what's wrong with living in sin?

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] Well, that was real pretty.
Dan Conner: I don't want to talk about it. Where are they sleeping?
Roseanne Conner: I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it.
Dan Conner: Where are they sleeping?
Roseanne Conner: They're sleeping in the girls' room, And Darlene's going in D.J.'s room.
Dan Conner: Perfect.
Roseanne Conner: Well, it was either that or let them go to some cheap motel where they'd actually enjoy it.

Dan Conner: [about Becky] She's 17 years old. I throw the punk out and we get this thing annulled.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and then in two months on her 18th birthday, she goes and does the exact same thing again only this time she hates us, and we don't see her no more.
Dan Conner: So that's your brilliant plan? We do nothing?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah. Yeah, that is my plan. 'Cause this way, at least we get birthdays and we get holidays. Maybe we get a phone call once in a while, but you go up there and you do something stupid, Dan, we will lose her.
Dan Conner: No, I wouldn't want to go up there and do something stupid 'cause God knows she sure didn't! You know what's gonna happen? She's gonna get pregnant, she's gonna forget all about school. This is it! This is her life!

Roseanne Conner: What do you want to happen, Dan? You're screaming at me, okay? You're walking around here like some psycho. What exactly is it that you want to happen?
Dan Conner: I want my bike shop back. I want my daughter back. I want things back the way they were before I screwed everything up.

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan about Becky] She's not blaming you, Dan. She's really happy right now. She's gonna wait until this whole marriage thing goes to hell and then she'll blame you. You've been a great father, Dan. She's healthy, she's happy and she can handle herself.


"Roseanne: Halloween - The Final Chapter (#8.5)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind Jackie] Remember me, Jackie?
Jackie Harris: [look of terror] Not Mrs. Butterworth... please not Mrs. Butterworth.
Roseanne Conner: Remember how your sister Roseanne told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!
[Jackie screams]

Roseanne Conner: [to Jerry Garcia] I hope I see you later, I mean, a *lot* later.

Roseanne Conner: [to the ouija board] When am I going to have my baby?
[planchette moves]
Roseanne Conner: N...
Jackie Harris: November!
Roseanne Conner: O... W...
Jackie Harris: Nowvember, you're having it in Nowvember.
Roseanne Conner: No Jackie... I'm having it, now!
[screams]

Roseanne Conner: [after the birth] I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?
Dan Conner: No more than usual.

Roseanne Conner: [about a kid dressed as a lawyer] That's the scariest costume all night.

David Healy: [going through the candy bowl] This is all sugar in here.
Roseanne Conner: Not true, there're chemicals too.

Dan Conner: [during a seance, gets up and starts singing] Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.
Roseanne Conner: Oh it's Elvis! Elvis, Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson.
[Dan hits himself in the head with a frying pan]

David Healy: You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.
[gets fruit from the kitchen]
Roseanne Conner: What the hell is that?
Dan Conner: Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.
Roseanne Conner: That's unsanitary.

Roseanne Conner: What is a refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon?
Ed McMahon: A refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon.
Roseanne Conner: What is an Amana, a cabana, and a famous second banana?

Trick or Treater: [to the Connors] You are nice nice nice. Thanks, Happy Halloween!
Roseanne Conner: I wish I had a daughter like her.
Dan Conner: Just wasn't in the cards, hon.

Jerry Garcia: I have a message for you.
Roseanne Conner: From God?
Jerry Garcia: No, from me.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well, that's okay too.
Jerry Garcia: The message is what we need is magic, and bliss, and myth, and celebration, and religion. We need spiritual connection to each other.
Roseanne Conner: Well, that's great, thanks, Jerry.


"Roseanne: Crime and Punishment (#5.13)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a long, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.
Roseanne Conner: Just figure that out?

Dan Conner: Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.
Roseanne Conner: Well, who knows what they're about, you know? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Roseanne Conner: [to Roseanne when she discovers Fisher assaulted Jackie] It's no big deal.
Roseanne Conner: It's no big deal? What are you saying? He hit you. It's not like he forgot your birthday.

Roseanne Conner: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan Conner: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne Conner: What'd he say?
Dan Conner: Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

Jackie Harris: What kind of obscene reading material could D.J. have?
Roseanne: I don't know. Either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Darlene Conner: What happened to Aunt Jackie?
Roseanne: Well, some say environment, but I think she's born that way.

Roseanne: [to Jackie] You come over here, your back is all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it. How do I know you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
Jackie Harris: Why... why can't you just drop it?
Roseanne: That son of a bitch.

Roseanne: Damn, Jackie, you were a cop. You heard this same crap a million times. Now you're throwing it out on me? How could you let this happen to you?
Jackie Harris: Shut up! You don't know the whole story. He's been under a lot of pressure lately. There's no work and I told him that he should look for a job at a bigger company, And he told me that I didn't believe in him and he told me a million times when he gets in a mood like that... that I should just walk away and I didn't. I just kept pushing him and pushing him...
[starts crying]

Roseanne: [to Jackie] Well, I think we just should go to the hospital and get you checked out.
Jackie Harris: It's too humiliating, Roseanne. They'll ask all kinds of questions. I don't want everybody talking about it.
Roseanne: Okay, well, we'll go to the hospital in Elgin. Nobody knows us there. We could make up names and stuff. I'll be Wilma and you can be Betty.

Roseanne: [after Dan comes home with bloody knuckles] Oh, my God. You didn't kill him and then go buy chicken, did ya?


"Roseanne: The Test (#3.1)" (1990)
Dan Conner: [discussing the kids] None of them look like me.
Roseanne Conner: That won't stand up in court, Dan.
Dan Conner: Damn.

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Jackie Harris: I think Dan is pretty sure this test is going to be positive.
Roseanne Conner: I don't know why, I've only been late 3 times in my life.
[Becky and Darlene enter]
Roseanne Conner: And look, here are two of them now.

Jackie Harris: What's the rush?
Roseanne Conner: You told me to hold my first urine of the morning, I've been holding it for seven hours!

Becky Conner: I guess you wouldn't understand where I'm coming from because when YOU were 16, you had a car!
Roseanne Conner: That may have something to do with the fact that when I was 16 I had a JOB.

Roseanne Conner: There's not going to be a next time. I'm going to get myself fixed.
Dan Conner: What, you mean surgery?
Roseanne Conner: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together.

Roseanne Conner: [Dan goes to work on the toaster] The toaster's not even broken, he just doesn't want to have to think about any of it.
Crystal Anderson: Maybe you should go after him.
Roseanne Conner: No, let him nail something else for a change.

Jackie Harris: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
Roseanne Conner: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
Jackie Harris: How did you manage that?
Roseanne Conner: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

Crystal Anderson: [Roseanne is worried to tell Dan she might be pregnant] Well, how'd you tell him about your other kids?
Roseanne Conner: Well, with Becky I said "Dan, get a job," then with Darlene I said "Dan, get a better job."
Crystal Anderson: And DJ?
Roseanne Conner: Ugh. Do I have to tell him about DJ?

Dan Conner: Word of advice from a man okay? Don't say a word until you do the test. You don't want to upset the guy if you don't have to.
Roseanne Conner: I was saying that very same thing, you know. I was saying if it does come up positive, the best way to do it is short, sweet, and right to the point. You know, kinda like, I'm pregnant, Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary.
Roseanne Conner: Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary.
Roseanne Conner: Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary!


"Roseanne: Don't Make Me Over (#4.24)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: [on Roseanne's new robe from Dan] Oh, my, my, my. Let me feel. Oh boy, that feels fire retardant.
Roseanne Conner: It's *way* retardant.

Roseanne Conner: [looking in the closet] Hey! I think I found my Mother's Day present from the kids.
Jackie Harris: You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.
Roseanne Conner: Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.
[pulls ugly, fuzzy, pink houseshoes from the box]
Roseanne Conner: Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.

D.J. Conner: Here. Happy Mother's Day!
Roseanne Conner: Oh, lookit, it's an ashtray with your picture at the bottom.
Darlene: Aww, it's a shame you quit smoking, you could grind your butts out on his face.

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky and Darlene, after they give their Mom a very nice gift] Man, this must'a cost a lot! Which one of you's is pregnant?

Roseanne Conner: I got a call from D.J.'s school today because he hasn't turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.
Dan: Why not?
Roseanne Conner: Well he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
Dan: [pause] Did I suffer?
Roseanne Conner: No, a sniper shot you.
D.J. Conner: I said I was sorry!
Roseanne Conner: Ever since he got that video game all he's been doing is goofing off.

Dan: We're going out to eat.
Roseanne Conner: No, I don't want to go out with those girls, I just want to eat and go to bed.
Dan: They're not coming, they're going to stay here. I'm punishing them, and eating my chili's just the beginning of the punishment.
Roseanne Conner: ...But they hate ME, right?
Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME. It's my Mother's Day present for you. Now go get dressed.
Roseanne Conner: Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe.

Roseanne Conner: [Darlene and Becky have made Roseanne breakfast] What's the catch?
Becky: No catch, can't we do something nice?
Roseanne Conner: I don't know, you never have.

Roseanne Conner: [after receiving her gift card for a spa treatment] Lookie Dan, the girls bought me a good gift.

Dan: [to DJ] I want to talk to your Mum a second, go bug your sisters.
Roseanne Conner: [upset] Use real bugs.

Roseanne Conner: It was all a set up; they were just trying to get something out of me
[hugs Dan]
Roseanne Conner: why'd they have to do that today?


"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1997)
Dan Conner: We better finish getting ready for the baby's arrival.
Roseanne Conner: Say that again.
Dan Conner: Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter is coming home - LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUMBLE!

D.J. Conner: Mark wants to know if he should score a keg.
Roseanne Conner: No, I'll strap the baby on the back of my Harley and take her on her first beer run myself.

Roseanne Conner: Is this all the T-shirts you have for the baby?
Darlene Conner-Healy: Yeah, why, do I need more?
Roseanne Conner: Well yeah, I had twice this many when you were a baby, of course half of them were your father's old socks.

Roseanne Conner: We need to stop praying in dark corners and start praying like we fight, out loud and in public where everybody can see us.

Roseanne Conner: [D.J.'s pressed against the wall and about to fall off the bed which moved out underneath him] Is this like a religious thing?
D.J. Conner: A little help here!

Jackie Harris: Alright, that's it, Roseanne, four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of Lemon Pledge.
[imitating Poltergeist]
Jackie Harris: This house is clean!
D.J. Conner: [comes down in rubber gloves and a rag on his head] Okay, I got the bathroom clean as a whistle, okay that sandpaper and bleach goes a long way.
Roseanne Conner: Hey, good job, now get on the phone and tell everybody we're having a welcome-home party for the baby and they gotta get here before the house gets dirty again. Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.

Dan Conner: Could use a little more work but I think Darlene and David and the baby will be comfortable here for a month or two or whenever they go back to Chicago.
Roseanne Conner: Yep, what could Chicago have to offer them, besides culture and excitement?

Jackie Harris: Can you believe it, Roseanne? We're bringing another baby home!
Roseanne Conner: This is a lucky house. It adapts well to new life.
Jackie Harris: I can't imagine this family living anywhere else.
Roseanne Conner: Yep, lottery or no, I could never get rid of this house.

Darlene Conner-Healy: [bringing Harris home for the first time] So what do you think of the joint?
Roseanne Conner: What's not to like? At least she's not under that grow-bulb anymore.

Roseanne Conner: And then I was thinking this rocking chair here should be right in front of the window so you can sit there, feed the baby and then look out and yell at the neighbor kids to stay off your lawn.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Well, Mom, I don't want to turn into you all at once.
Roseanne Conner: Take a big fat look in the mirror, Darlene, you lost.


"Roseanne: Hair (#2.17)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [comes in through the front door] Roseanne, you all ready to go?
Roseanne Conner: [whining] I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.

Roseanne Conner: I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Devine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job where in I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
Jackie Harris: Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very, well.

Roseanne Conner: [at her beauty salon job interview] Yea, well, you know, I just, I, I would just kinda like to think about it.
Marsha: Think about what? If it's that miserable, you either quit, or I unload you!
Roseanne Conner: Well, as long as there's some kind of humiliation at the end of the tunnel.

Roseanne Conner: [around the dinner table] Actually I, I was kinda celebrating. I got a promotion.
Dan Conner: Promotion? Promotion to what, 'shampoo girl'.
[chuckles]
Dan Conner: [Roseanne gives him a look] What?
Roseanne Conner: ...Shampoo woman.
Dan Conner: I stand corrected.
Darlene Conner: You're a dead man.

Dan Conner: I meant to say '*Good* job'. Good job.
Roseanne Conner: No, it's not. It's not a good job, it's a degrading job, but nobody there makes me feel like it is.
[Stands up to leave the dinner table]
Roseanne Conner: That's *your* job.
[Roseanne walks to her bedroom; Dan follows]
Darlene Conner: Nice going, D.J.!
D.J. Conner: [loudly] What?

Crystal Anderson: You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life, that I'd have you washing my hair.
Roseanne Conner: Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Roseanne: The mirror's all steamed up now, how am I meant to get ready for my stinking, lousy new career?

Becky Conner: [to Roseanne] Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.
Roseanne Conner: Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.

Marsha: [to Roseanne] How do you like the job so far?
Roseanne Conner: Well, it's just like being home, I make coffee, I answer the phone and I do laundry.
Debbie: Roseanne, where are the clean towels?
Roseanne Conner: And I listen to children whine.


"Roseanne: It's a Boy (#5.19)" (1993)
Roseanne: [to David] Welcome to Roseannadu.

Barbara Healy: Listen to me. I don't want you... butting in, telling me... how to raise my kids! Take a look at the two little *whores* you raised!
Roseanne: [gets in Barbara's face] Oh... uh, I'm in this now... You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people... who live in glass *whore-houses* shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white-trash a bad name.

Barbara Healy: [shouting at David] You think you can live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes out there in that world, unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little *bastard*!
Roseanne: Okay, I've changed my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Barbara Healy: Are you trying to steal my kid?
Roseanne: Oh, this has nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away, or comes and lives at my place, he is *not* gonna stay here with *you*.

Roseanne: [Roseanne tells Dan that she's letting David move in after all] Well, I didn't do it for Darlene; she's the last person I want to make happy. I did it for David! I couldn't leave him there.
Dan Conner: That's what you said when we found that lost puppy on the highway. I don't want this to wind up like that. I don't wanna have to put David to sleep.

Roseanne: Dan, I saw what David lives with, and I - I just couldn't leave him there. He deserves to move in with a stable family.
Dan Conner: Gee, can I come too?

Roseanne: [Roseanne and Dan walk in on Darlene and David kissing in the kitchen] Oh look, honey, our kids are necking.

Darlene Conner: [asking if David can move in] You don't know how much this means to me! I mean, David's the reason I came out of my mood last year, and stopped being so difficult.
Roseanne: You stopped being difficult?

Roseanne: [telling David that he can't move in] I mean, you know, we totally feel for your situation, but it's just, we don't let anybody grow up here unless we're forced to by law.

Roseanne: [deciding between hamburgers or pizza for dinner] Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.
David Healy: [Dan, D.J., Roseanne, and Darlene all stare] Um, burger's good.
Dan Conner: My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted, and the men are victorious! Come, men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch "The Three Stooges" and we shall scratch ourselves.
[Dan walks proudly into the living room, followed by D.J]
Roseanne, Darlene Conner: [Darlene and Roseanne glare at David, who hurries after the men] Pizza.


"Roseanne: The Slice of Life (#1.18)" (1989)
Roseanne: [when Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed] Roseanne: Conner. C as in cat. O as in oof! N as in numb skull! N as in nit wit!! E as in empty headed!! R as in... *target*!!!

Becky Conner: Did you really throw snowcones at the umpire?
Roseanne: You weren't there. You didn't see the call.

Jackie Harris: [about their old sleeping bag] If this bag could talk...
Roseanne: I'd cut its tongue out, I would.

Darlene Conner: Can't you guys just leave me alone? I don't need you there to watch me pitch.
Roseanne: Pitch, pitch, pitch. All she ever does is pitch.

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] I don't know how you remember all this stuff.
Roseanne: What stuff?
Dan Conner: Like when Darlene had the mumps.
Roseanne: Well, because she had the mumps the same time D.J. and Becky had the mumps, Dan. You don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.

Roseanne: I know the future of medical science depends on knowing my mother's maiden name.

Roseanne: Why this morning of all mornings did I have to yell at Darlene?
Jackie Harris: Because she was being a pain in the butt.
Roseanne: Oh, Jackie. She's just being 11.
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, yelling at Darlene. That's like breathing. It's just an involuntary response.

Roseanne: I ask one little question and nobody can answer me. I asked, "What's going on with my kid?" That's not a stupid question. That's a question that deserves an answer. It's a question any human being has a right to know. Well, what's going on with my kid?
Dan Conner: Tell 'em, kiddo.
Dr. Bryce: Mr. and Mrs. Conner...
Roseanne: Is Darlene all right?
Dr. Bryce: She's fine.
Roseanne: So what am I yelling about?

Roseanne: Darlene, when are you gonna stop being such a smart mouth?
Darlene Conner: Mmm... three weeks from next Tuesday.


"Roseanne: April Fool's Day (#2.22)" (1990)
Roseanne: Hey, take my word for it. By midnight tonight, the taxes will be filed, and all this will be behind us; the tension, the anxiety, the *fraud*.
Dan: Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people.
Roseanne: Who were elected by even stupider people.

Roseanne: [working on the taxes for Dan] So, what, you're, you're at line twelve, business income... We just tell them it's none of *their* business.

Roseanne: Now look, your Dad and I made enough money last year to live very, very, well... for six months... and then we juggled.

Jackie: I have been dreading this for weeks. You know how crummy my math is.
Roseanne: Well, no sweat, D.J. will be home by three.

Roseanne: Let's just go down to the I.R.S., and ask them in person.
Dan: No, no, I can't, no way, no way. I can't go down to that building, it gives me the creeps. I just know... I'm gonna take one of those snotty little I.R.S. guys, and throw him through a window.

IRS Office Supervisor: You know, if more people would take to time to read these simple instructions, they wouldn't have to come down here and ask stupid questions, and then maybe these lines wouldn't be so long. So long!
Roseanne: Hey. Hey. Hey, listen, you pencil-pushing geek. I really didn't come down here stand in line all day, to put up with your condescending, snotty, little attitude, you know. I mean, I'm sure it is a pain in your butt to answer our unimportant little questions, but that is your job, isn't it, and you are paid with our tax money.

Dan: Okay hunny, come on.
Roseanne: No! Dan. Uh, this stuff is impossible to understand! These laws and explaination of laws; no human being can really understand these things, you know! That's why you gotta go get some $200-an-hour lawyer to even explain the crap to you, you know, and I can't afford $200-an-hour!
Ed - IRS Office Clerk: [shouts] Hey, lady! We don't write the stinkin' laws! You got a complaint, talk to the idiots in Washington!

Roseanne: I mean, us people, the poor people, and us regular people, we're paying more taxes than the rich people, 'cause they got all the lawyers to figure out the loopholes! I wanna find loopholes!
[crowd cheers in agreement]
Dan: [Dan is backing Roseanne out of line, and towards the door. He talks to the crowd while Roseanne argues with the supervisor] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.
Roseanne: I mean, we give you our money, and you like, totally mismanage it worse than we ever could anyhow! I mean, the government is something like three trillion dollars in debt, I mean. I think I saw that on Donahue. It's like three tril... that would be like if you make $15,000 a year, okay, so you run up your Master Charge to, what, fifty grand, then can you even imagine, your monthly bill would be like $5,000 a month? I mean, it's insane. The whole thing is insane! I mean, someday us regular people, we ought to get smart, you know, and audit them!

IRS Office Supervisor: I'm sorry Ma'am. Uh, I didn't get your name.
Dan: [smiling] You don't need her name.
Roseanne: [Roseanne makes her way back up to the window] No, Dan... I'm... I'm not gonna... be intimidated by that little weasel.
Dan: Hunny, this isn't the unemployment office.
Roseanne: [walking through the line] No, no. I have nothing to hide. Excuse me, Rabbi.
[standing at the window, to the IRS Supervisor]
Roseanne: I am not afraid to tell you my name... It's Wagner!
[crowd applauds as she starts to leave, Dan whispers 'Mrs. Norris T' to Roseanne]
Roseanne: Mrs. Norris T. Wagner!


"Roseanne: Suck Up or Shut Up (#6.13)" (1994)
Dan Conner: Oh... we've... just... gotta have *that* kid over more often. He makes our other kids... less odd.
Roseanne Conner: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to... Elijah Minelli.

Mark Healy: [Mark failed a test] You, Mrs. Conner, you always thought I was stupid!
Mark Healy: [hands her the test] Now here's your proof. Go ahead, make your jokes.
Roseanne Conner: Well, it's... really not funny now that we... know it's true. In fact, it's kinda saaad. Or at least... not as funny.

Leon Carp: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! We don't charge Mr. Mehlman, of Mehlman Restaurant Supplies. He's our "special friend".
Roseanne Conner: Oh, a "special friend", huh? Well, the food is on the house! If you're sleeping with Leon, it's a miracle you can eat at all.

Roseanne Conner: [Leon wants Jackie or Nancy to join the Lanford Women's Association] So wait! Hold on a second! What about me, you know? I can join some group of stupid, snobby, stuck-up broads and... make friends.

Roseanne Conner: [after Leon insults her] Oh, now, Leon. I may not have your vast wealth of business experience, nor your great willingness to kiss butt, but I do have something else.
Leon Carp: Really? And what might that be?
Roseanne Conner: [pinches him hard on the chest] Your nipple!
Leon Carp: [knees buckle, he cries out] Owwwwwwww!

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky, who walks in wearing her skimpy waitress outfit] So, did you make many tips tonight? Or won't you know 'til you shake out your underpants?

Becky Conner-Healy: [about Mark] Well, it like, the only time we get to spend together, is when he wakes me up when he gets home.
Roseanne Conner: [about Dan] Well, at least he's still polite enough to wake you up first.

Becky Conner-Healy: [arguing over making Mark return to school] I can't make him go! I don't control him!
Roseanne Conner: What do you mean, you "don't control him"? You're his *wife*!
Becky Conner-Healy: Yeah, but, I still can't make him go back! He doesn't even listen to me!
Roseanne Conner: Well that's because you're not *yelling* loud enough!

Roseanne Conner: [Mark's reading his homework] Oh, well, I hate to ruin the end of it for ya, Mark, but he *eats* the green eggs and ham.


"Roseanne: Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down (#4.6)" (1991)
Roseanne: [to Kathy, because she is convinced that Kathy is lying about wanting to seek revenge for a prank pulled on her by the Conners] Oh sure, you think you're better than me now, but when you remember the terrible thing that I did to you today, you will sink to my level like a *rock!*

Jackie Harris: What's with the blood?
Roseanne: [nonchalantly] Oh, I killed Dan.

Dan: [talking about their scaring Kathy] Damn good bladder control though.
Roseanne: Why thank you, I did laugh pretty hard.

Roseanne: [walks into the kitchen and sees Dan disemboweled, turns around and Roseanne corners her with a knife] What is it, Kathy? I've had a really bad day and now I've got to clean up all of this. You know, I don't know how many times I keep telling myself, it's just like gutting a fish. I swear I was much better with Becky's dad.
Kathy Bowman: Becky's dad?
Roseanne: Yeah, he was blonde too. Oh hey I know, you've got a garbage disposal, don't you?
Kathy Bowman: [cringing] Oh my God... I have to go home.
Roseanne: Oh no, you can't go, Kathy, you'll tell.
Kathy Bowman: [backing up] No I won't, I promise, please let me go!
[backs into Dan who's standing behind her, turns around]
Dan: Liver?
[Kathy screams and runs for the door]
Roseanne: Happy Halloween!
Kathy Bowman: [in shock] That was horrible! Horrible!

Roseanne: [run out of their room after finding snakes in their bed] Snakes bite and squeeze, this is going too far, Kathy's trying to kill us!
Becky Conner: [laughing] What're you talking about? Kathy's not trying to kill you.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, we are.

Roseanne: Our children remembered us on our favorite holiday.
Dan: God bless us one and all.

Roseanne: You know, Dan, I think we should've rehearsed our act more, I don't think they got that we were supposed to be dead.
Dan: [as Deadger Bergen] Well Morty, if it's any consolation, I'm sure they wish we were.

Dan: [as Deadger Bergen] Well Morty, here we are.
Roseanne: [as Mortuary Snerd] Is this hell?
Dan: [laughs] No Morty, this is Lanford.
Roseanne: Say, isn't that Arnie? I thought I told you to go to hell.

Dan: [as Deadger Bergen and his dummy, Mortuary Snerd, singing] Well I come from six feet under with a dead guy on my knee, I'm heading down to Hades for to spend eternity.
Roseanne: [singing] Hey there, Deadger, I think it's plain to see, we bought a cardboard casket and the worms have eaten me.


"Roseanne: Darlene Fades to Black (#4.4)" (1991)
Tommy: [first time looking into buying a motorcycle, sits on a bike] This is great!
Dan: Yeah.
Roseanne: [yelling with Becky in the back of Dan's bikeshop about Becky getting a scooter] I said *No*!
Becky: Give me *one* good reason!
Roseanne: Because bikes *kill*, okay Becky! I mean, just ask your Aunt Jackie! When she was a cop, she used to scrape kids like you off the street all the time! And don't think a helmet's gonna help either! Alls that does is catch your brains after they fall out of your skull!
Dan: [after customer overhears fight, and runs out the door] Don't forget to tell your friends about us.

Roseanne: [after yelling at Dan for being sexist, then arguing with Becky. Becky runs up the stairs, so Roseanne turns to Darlene] And you... What is it with you? All you do is just lay around that couch, staring at that stupid TV, one dumb rerun after another.
Darlene: [to herself] And I do it as well as any man.

Becky: [Roseanne wants to know if Becky has a date with Mark, her boyfriend that Roseanne hates] No, we're fighting.
Roseanne: What about?
Becky: Well, he's a pig! Our whole world revolves around him. I swear Mother, I'm so sick of it. I'm thinking of telling him to 'bug off'.
Roseanne: Don't toy with me, Becky.

Roseanne: [Dan rides into the bike shop on a little scooter] Hey look, it's a little baby bike! Get off it, hunny, you'll kill it.

Roseanne: So how much can we get for this here scooter?
Dan: I don't know, a couple hundred bucks. It's well built, low mileage, good engine. It's a good little scooter.
Roseanne: Well, let's haul it out there to the showroom floor!
Dan: No... I don't want it out there with the *real* bikes.

Roseanne: [Jackie wonders why nobody is talking to anyone] *We*, have had a fight, and *we're* not speaking to each other.
Jackie: Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.

Darlene: [Roseanne wants to know what Darlene's friend called about] She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.
Roseanne: Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?
Darlene: Nothing.
Roseanne: That's what you did last weekend!
Darlene: Yeah, well I'm not finished.

Roseanne: [Roseanne is trying to get Darlene off the couch by offering her a charge card to go buy some clothes with] Here's the card, just do it.
Darlene: What should I buy?
Roseanne: I don't know. Go, try to find something to blend in with the couch.
Becky: [not believing her ears] Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.

Bonnie Watkins: [trying to help Roseanne figure out what's wrong with Darlene] What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
Roseanne: [chuckles] No, Darlene always *was* the bad influence.


"Roseanne: Life and Stuff (#1.1)" (1988)
Miss Crane: Your daughter barks.
Roseanne Conner: Our whole family barks.

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.

[the kids have left for school]
Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

Dan Conner: Do you regret marrying me?
Roseanne Conner: Every second of my life.

Becky Conner: Mom, where's my Algebra book?
Roseanne Conner: I sold it.

Dan Conner: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!
Roseanne Conner: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

Roseanne Conner: [Becky's friend calls, Roseanne anwswers in a high perky voice] Hi! I just looked in the mirror and I'm growing boobs! Becky can't come to the phone.

Becky Conner: Our school is having a food drive for poor people.
Roseanne Conner: Tell them to bring some of that food over here.


"Roseanne: Tolerate Thy Neighbor (#4.5)" (1991)
Kathy: Good? What do we have here? So far we've eliminated Jimmy Mullins and Bob Hope.
Roseanne: Well, I didn't see the driver, that could've been Bob Hope.

Roseanne: God, I hate Kathy Bowman!
Becky: And today's reason is?
Roseanne: Well, she spends about a billion dollars on all this furniture that looks like it belongs in Italy, you know, and now, here she is giving it away to charity! This couch don't even have any butt-dents in it.

Jackie: Anybody want to ride in the truck?
Becky: Yeah, sure!
Jackie: Darlene?
Darlene: I don't think so.
Roseanne: Oh, go on Darlene. Get out of the house, it'll be fun! You can roll down the window, and spit into convertibles.
Darlene: Alright.

Roseanne: Hey, you know, I'm really sorry, but I, I didn't know your house was getting robbed, or nothing. I mean, I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought I was doing something for charity.
Kathy: A good thing. It was a *stupid* thing, Roseanne. It was the *stupidest* thing anybody has ever done, and you... are the *stupidest* woman on the face of the earth.
Roseanne: Oh, oh yeah! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap, and you paid two hundred. That's stupid!

Roseanne: No, the only thing I've ever wanted for my kids, is that they're happy, and... that they're out of the house. And I tell you what, happy ain't even *that* important.

Roseanne: [Jackie wants to know what's bugging Dan] Oh, you know, D.J.'s his only son, and he's got that thing where he wants D.J. to carry on the Conner name. You know, I told him that Becky'd probably have a couple of kids before she was married, and they'd be Conners, but that didn't help him any.

Kathy: I'm in hell.
Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code though.

Roseanne: Ya know Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more, you know, fit in.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I suppose to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops, with my hair in curlers?


"Roseanne: Take My Bike, Please! (#4.2)" (1991)
Roseanne: [on the phone with the bank about a loan payment check she "forgot" to sign] ...Oh, oh you need the signature, I didn't know that... Ok, well let me tell you, I'll ah, leave here right away, I'm on my way, I'm in, I'm in a big hurry, and I'll be there in a couple of minutes... Okay, thank you.
[hangs up]
Dan: What are you going to tell them once you get down there?
Roseanne: How can I think about that now, Dan, when my tire blew, and I'm stuck in a ditch on route 49?... Coffee?

Roseanne: [having a family meeting] Now, here's what I see. Nothing's getting done around here because nobody takes any responsibility for anything, ok? So from now on, Becky, I'm leaving you in charge.
Darlene: [grins sarcastically and raises her hand] I have a problem with that.
Roseanne: Tough.
Darlene: So I'm just supposed to do whatever she says?
Dan: We expect that you will listen to Becky the same way you listen to us.
Becky: [raising her hand] Um, now I have a problem.

Roseanne: [Dan remarked that the kids taking care of themselves will be fine] Are you insane, Dan? I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone Family.

Dan: [to Becky, about being in charge of D.J. while her parents work late] And you will take care of your brother. You'll make sure that he washes himself, and that does his homework.
Roseanne: [wagging her finger] Yeah, and you make sure that he eats, too. Now, I'm gonna weigh that little boy every night... and if he looses more than two pounds, it's your butt! You got that?

Roseanne: [desperately trying to sell a motorcycle] What about you, Leon? You ever think about getting a motorcycle?
Leon Carp: Roseanne! Name me one guy that doesn't picture themself on a big chopper, going down a country road, with the wind in his hair.
Roseanne: 'Cause you know, we've got some really great bikes.
Leon Carp: The answer is me, Roseanne, I'm the guy.

Roseanne: Well, Dan, I tried everything I could think of today to sell a bike; I lied, I pushed, I nagged.
Dan: Well, you went with your strengths, dear.

D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days. Nobody's cared.
Roseanne: Oh, that can't be.
D.J.: Uh-huh. The last thing I said was "Cheerios".

Roseanne: How could they be so spoiled when we've given them absolutely nothing?


"Roseanne: Second Time Around (#3.22)" (1991)
Crystal Anderson-Conner: [talking about determining the sex Crystal's unborn baby] This is stupid.
Roseanne: Yeah, your right, let's do it the scientific way. Let me look at your butt.
Jackie: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: It's a scientific fact, Jackie, if it's a flat pancake butt it's a girl, and if it's a big ol' bubble butt it's a boy.

Jackie: [to Darlene] We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Becky: [to Crystal] Well, whatever you do don't give it some dorky name like "Becky".
Roseanne: What's wrong with your dorky name?
Becky: It's like a chicken noise. It's like
[clucking]
Becky: "Beckeee, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beckeee".

Jackie: You know, when I have a baby, I want to deliver it in a pool of warm water. I think that's the gentlest way to bring a baby it the world.
Roseanne: Yeah, and I imagine it keeps the swimmers out of the shallow end.

Roseanne: What are you eating?
Dan: Salami and peppers.
Roseanne: What, one brush with death a day isn't enough for you?
Dan: I live on the edge. Want a bite?
[Roseanne shakes her head no]
Dan: Wuss

Dan: Honey, I think we should talk about this. I mean, what would happen if we both went at the same time, like in a plane crash.
Roseanne: [chuckles] We never go anywhere, Dan. A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.

Birth Class Instructor: [Lamaze class] I'm sure a lot of you have been thinking of questions since the last class. Anybody?
Woman: Uh, yeah, this is my first baby, and I was wondering how long it takes to push it out.
Roseanne: [chuckles] Eighteen years.

Roseanne: [flashback to the moment of D.J.'s birth] What is it? What is it?
Dan: Five, five, five, five, *one*! Yes! It's a boy!


"Roseanne: This Old House (#4.18)" (1992)
Roseanne: [Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Darlene: [casually "explaining"] Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

Roseanne: [to Jackie, after Jackie points out that they pulled a stunt similar to going to Chicago, as Darlene did, when they were teens] You know Jackie, when you remember to water your Chia Pet you can criticize the way I raise my kid!

Roseanne: Let's face it, Jackie, our family was like, totally screwed up. Which is probably why I got fat and why you can't have any decent relationship with any man.
Jackie: Or... maybe, I just never found the right guy, and you never found the wrong doughnut.

Roseanne: [Jackie comments that their father spanked them] Spanked? Face it, Jackie, he beat us.
Jackie: Back then, lots of kids were spanked with belts.
Roseanne: Yeah but did their dads have the belt on a big old razor strap thing right above the door that as soon as you got home you had to wonder if you'd do something to get out of line and he'd take it down?
Jackie: Probably just to psyche us out.
Roseanne: Well it sure worked. Remember when he'd make us go and bring it to him?
Jackie: Well Mom was no help, she just stayed in the kitchen washing the damn dishes and ignored it.
Roseanne: Well that was Mom's answer to everything, just ignore it and it goes away.

Roseanne: Even the old vent's still here.
Jackie: Oh yeah! Hey, Mom and Dad never did figure out that we could always hear what was going on in their bedroom through that. All that screaming and fighting and yelling and crying.
Roseanne: Yeah, we never did hear any sex, unless that's what all the screaming and crying was about.
Jackie: Remember when we used to listen at it whenever we were in trouble? Gave us that chance to run in and confess first.
Roseanne: Yeah, five minutes before they came to the door.
Jackie: Well that helped, earned us those honesty points.
Roseanne: Yeah, or gave us a chance to get our stories straight.

Roseanne: [climbing up a tree branch into her old room] Good branch... steady branch... strong branch...

Jackie: [in their old bedroom] Shhhh, don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!
Roseanne: Oh gee, Jackie, well after the concert Dan and I got married and had three kids. Don't tell Mom!

Roseanne: Oh God, it even smells the same, that smell of burnt meat and oppression.


"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
D.J.: [comes running in with a skinned knee] It's really bad! I can see right through to the bone! Look how white it is!
Roseanne: No, that's just your skin, D.J. You need to wear shorts more often.

Jackie: Well, you go to a dental college, have a student work on it.
Roseanne: Yeah, but with my luck, I'll get somebody who's in on a football scholarship.

Roseanne: Whoa, Leon! The boss from Hell! You know the last time is saw you, you were stealing my tips to pay for that hair-wig.
Leon Carp: Last time I saw you, you were standing there, leaning on the counter, doing nothing but sucking up the oxygen. Woo, deja vu!

Jackie: [shouts] You can't go screaming at Darlene!
Roseanne: [shouts] I sure can! If I don't start screaming at her, then she won't have no idea why she's getting strangled!

Roseanne: [crying into a tissue] I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie?
Jackie: [tenderly and softly] Nooooo. You're a great mother! You're loving, and protective. You're like one of those mother lions in the nature films, that carries her babies around by the back of the neck. 'Cept sometimes ya get a little rough, and you rip their heads off.

Darlene: You know, do you ever think about my future? I don't get this. I though parents wanted their kids to be more successful than them.
Roseanne: Well, of course you're Father and I want you to do better than us. Why do you think we spent our whole lives setting such a low standard!

Roseanne: [about Dan's new job] A job with the City! Three hundred and fifteen sick days a year... plus Flag Day!
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne high-five] Good paying, medical insurance, and the best part is; since it's civil service, no matter how much I screw up... they can't fire me!


"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1992)
Becky: [to Dan and Roseanne] You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.
Dan: Boy! You are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?
Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it and it's all 'cause of you.
Dan: Excuse me?
Becky: If you knew how to run a business, he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
Roseanne Conner: Becky, you shut up!
Becky: Come on, Mother! You know it! Everybody knows it. I'm the only one with the guts to say it.
[storms out of the house]
Roseanne Conner: [after Becky has left the house] That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] So how'd it go at the bank?
Dan: Well, we chatted about the recession for a while, don't you know. Then I gave him my "things are bound to be better after the election" speech. Then they said, "You're four months behind on your first mortgage, three months behind on your second. We want our money by Friday. And here, Have a calendar."
[shows Roseanne the calendar]
Dan: Look. Kittens in a basket.

Dan: [to Becky and Darlene] Your mother and I have decided to close the bike shop. We're having a "going out of business" sale and then locking the doors on Friday.
Roseanne Conner: And I don't have a job, so that means no income.
[to Dan]
Roseanne Conner: How'd we do?

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] You know, Beck, I don't know why, but I thought maybe the first words out of your mouth might be, "Sorry you lost your business, Dad. We know how much it meant to you."
Darlene Conner: I guess it's gonna sound a lot less sincere now when I say it.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] So do you have anything that you want to say?
Darlene Conner: Can I have a pony?

Jackie Harris: [while reading the newspaper] Roseanne, there's a printing company moving into the old Wellman plant.
Roseanne Conner: So?
Jackie Harris: So, listen to this.
[reads from the newspaper]
Jackie Harris: "No experience required. No references needed. No training necessary."
Roseanne Conner: Wow! Hurray at last! A crappy job!

Roseanne Conner: I knew we shouldn't have gone into business for ourselves! There's no one to steal from.


"Roseanne: Trouble with the Rubbles (#3.21)" (1991)
Roseanne: I'm a better person! I'm a better person! I'm a better person!... Hope I don't kill her!

Kathy Bowman: [in an argument with Roseanne after her kid got a scratch at a construction site] So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I *win*!

Roseanne: Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night and check if he's breathing!
Kathy Bowman: Yes.
Roseanne: Amateur!

[Having just met their new neighbor, Kathy Bowman]
Jackie: Maybe she was a little uptight.
Roseanne: A *little* uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

Roseanne: [to Dan, going over to the Bowmans'] I am here looking for dust, and if I find any, I am going to sneeze, and not one of them little needlebutt sneezes either, I am going to blow a lung clear across her front lawn.

Dan Conner: [in the tent with DJ telling him a story] The police knew the killer was crazy. At night he'd look for young unsuspecting campers, and as he crept upon them, he would whistle
[whistles]
Dan Conner: and then he'd HACK them to pieces with a machete.
D.J. Conner: Can I have a machete?
Dan Conner: No.
D.J. Conner: Well? Did they ever catch him?
Dan Conner: Yeah once, they handcuffed him, but he hacked off his own hand to survive, and now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims, and drag their lifeless bodies along the bloody ground.
D.J. Conner: What happened to the machete?
Dan Conner: You can't have one! Anyway, the police have been looking for him for days, he was last seen right here in Lanford.
[a whistle is heard, gasps]
Dan Conner: What was that?
D.J. Conner: What?
Dan Conner: [a shadow of a person with a hook is on the wall of the tent] The whistling killer! Don't make a sound, we'll be safe!
Roseanne: [thrusts in a plastic pirate hook] Arrrrrrrrgh!
D.J. Conner: Mom, I thought you were bringing us something to eat.
Roseanne: [withdraws the hook and thrusts it back in with donuts on it] Arrrrrrrrgh. Well, did we scare ya, Deej?
Dan Conner: Yeah, he was scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.

Roseanne: [going to talk to Kathy about letting Todd camp out with DJ] Alright, tell him another story, I'll be right back.
Dan Conner: [to DJ] Did I ever tell you about the killer who walked around with his own head in a bowling ball bag?


"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1994 (#7.10)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: See, I told you that amnio wouldn't be that bad.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, they stick a needle in my stomach and suck out a bunch of good. I want to come back tomorrow and see if they can do the same for my butt.

Roseanne Conner: [seeing Nana Mary's new husband] So uh, who's the looker?
Beverly Harris: This is Joe, that's all she tells me, just Joe.
Roseanne Conner: Hey Joe, whaddaya know?
Nana Mary: Now he doesn't hear so well, Rosey, but that's the price you pay for defending your country against the Kaiser.

Dan Conner: Hey Roseanne, isn't there a phone call you wanted to make before it gets too late?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah.
[to Nana Mary]
Roseanne Conner: You know the holidays are the busiest times for us phone sex girls.

Becky Conner-Healy: I can't believe abortion used to be illegal. Like what if I was one of those girls who got pregnant in high school?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, you might've had to drop out and marry some loser.

Beverly Harris: Now what if I'd decided to have an abortion with you, Roseanne? Or your sister? What would've happened then?
Roseanne Conner: Would you like me to tell you, Mom? Maybe you wouldn't have had to marry some guy you didn't love and you would've had a happy and fulfilling life. Wouldn't that be an abomination?
Beverly Harris: Yes it would, Roseanne, because I know the difference between right and wrong. And abortion is wrong.
Roseanne Conner: Well thank you for giving us all the truth, mother. I've always wondered what that red phone was doing in your apartment with the word GOD on it.

Roseanne Conner: You know, I always thought I could have an abortion, but now I just, I don't think I can. Part of me would always wonder what the kid was going to turn out to be.

Dan Conner: I thought we decided that if there was a serious problem, that we would deal with it, we talked about this.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah but everything's different now.
Dan Conner: Why?
Roseanne Conner: Because I'm pregnant.
Dan Conner: So you're saying you want to have this baby, no matter what?
Roseanne Conner: No, I'm just saying this is a much more complicated situation than I ever thought it would be.


"Roseanne: Let's Call It Quits (#1.23)" (1989)
Keith Faber: How long you been here, anyway?
Roseanne Conner: Long enough.
Keith Faber: Your, uh, personnel file says, "11 years".
Roseanne Conner: You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but, do you see any of them around here?

Vonda: [talking about how unrealistic the factory supervisor, Faber, is being] Well, somebody need to go and talk to Faber.
Jackie Harris: [looking at Roseanne] "Somebody"... needs to set this guy straight.
Vonda: [looking at Roseanne] Right. "Somebody"... really does.
Roseanne Conner: Well, "Somebody" doesn't feel like it, so just forget about it. Jeez, I mean, you're talking about a guy that wants to see my head mounted above the woman's restroom. Forget it!

Jackie Harris: [after Roseanne comes out of Mr. Faber's office] You okay, sis?
Roseanne Conner: [upset] No, I'm not okay! I mean, I tried to be okay, but he doesn't want me to be okay! He doesn't want *any* of us to be okay! You know why? Because *he's* not okay! Okay?

Jackie: It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right.... What was your name again?
Roseanne: Sally Field!

Keith Faber: Roseanne, I told you not to walk away from me!
Roseanne Conner: I'm walking away from you, Faber, and I'm walking away from this stinkin' factory, and I'm walking away from this lousy job.
[Roseanne punches out, quits]

Keith Faber: [after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out, and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room; one that pays, and one that doesn't.
Roseanne Conner: [following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quits. Vonda punches out, quits. Sylvia punches out, quits. Crystal punches out, quits] I guess we're not going to make our quota today, hunny-bunch.

Dan Conner: If it's that bad, just quit your job.
Roseanne Conner: I can't quit my job.
Dan Conner: Well you can't keep doing this.
Roseanne Conner: We wouldn't have anything if I quit. I wouldn't get hospitalization, I wouldn't get unemployment, none of the kids could get sick, or grow.
Dan Conner: We got along without hospitalization before. We got married and they said we'd never make it. We had 3 kids and they said we'd never make it. You know what we are? We're like one of those clown balloons, every time somebody punches us, we just rise back up.


"Roseanne: Don't Make Room for Daddy (#6.17)" (1994)
Jackie: [looking at Jackie's baby through ultra-sound] Look at the little feet, and the spine. And what's on its head? It looks like it's wearing a little cap.
Roseanne: Ohhhhhh, thaaaat's what happened to the condom.

Jackie: [upset] That is a legal document. Fred is suing me for custody of my baby!
Roseanne: Oh my God. You're *kidding* me!
Jackie: [hysterically] No! It's all right there! He wants my baby! It's not even born yet, he - he's suing me for custody of my *stomach*!

Fred: Save your breath, Roseanne, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.
Roseanne: Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.

Roseanne: [trying to get Fred to drop the lawsuit, shouts] I told you before, that I would figure out a way for you to see your kid! I'm *way* more powerful than any *law*!

Dan: [relieved not to see Roseanne anywhere, turns around] Ahhh...
[sees Roseanne]
Dan: Hey!
Roseanne: Ahh hey to you too!

Roseanne: Well Dan, I guess you're just not the man I thought you were... and I wasn't too happy with that one!

Jackie: I know what to do, we'll hire a hitman.
Roseanne: Jackie!
Jackie: No, I know what I'm talking about, remember that woman we saw on TV she hired a guy for 500 bucks?
Roseanne: Yeah, and the reason she was on TV is because she got caught!


"Roseanne: Father's Day (#1.14)" (1989)
Ed Conner: [to Roseanne after giving the kids their gifts] Yours is in the mail.
Roseanne: Oh Ed, you know you don't have to bring us anything. As soon as you leave, we take *their* stuff.

Roseanne: [Darlene plays with toy hand-cuffs] You know Darlene, I've got a feeling you're gonna have an even nicer pair of those some day.

Ed Conner: [after an argument with his son, Dan] I guess I really messed things up this time, huh Rosie.
Roseanne: Yeah, Ed... it's all over your shoes.

Ed Conner: [in the garage] What are you guys doin'?
Roseanne: Me and D.J.'s trapping ants for his ant condo.
D.J. Conner: We put jelly on the bread, Grandpa.
Roseanne: Yeah, and when the ants come out, we smash them over the head with a two-by-four. Same way I caught Dan.

Ed Conner: [about sons] Yeah, they're too precious, you know. I don't know about mothers and sons, but with fathers and sons huuugh. A Father looks at his son, and he sees every mistake he ever made, you know. And he just, and he just wants to put him on some kind of path, where he won't make those same mistakes.
Roseanne: [trying to talk] Yeah, but Ed he...
Ed Conner: [cutting her off] No, a father and a son, I mean, you see what woulda, what coulda, what shoulda been.
Roseanne: [cutting him off] Ed. Ed! When you're on the phone, do you ever use the *top* half?

Ed Conner: ... All I was doing was giving Danny a little fatherly advice.
Roseanne: But that's the thing about fatherly advice, Ed. I mean, it's a give and take kinda thing. You can only give it so much before the kid can't take it anymore!

Roseanne: [in bed for the night] Would you stop hogging all these blankets?
Dan: [imitating his Father's ramblings] Blankets? Let me tell you a little somethin' about blankets. I came *this* close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock, and a guy from, that guy named Navajo Joe, walks to me and says, "I already invented the blanket", so I... he took it away from me. 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy what a set of choppers he had, you talk about teeth, but he went plum idgit on me, and he went and, ah, sunk all his money into, ah, into whatcha call it... hairdryer stock, and tried to invent a five speed ah, photon mix ah hairdryer, and he lost all his dough, see, and, ah, then he couldn't do nuttin about it, so ahhh, so I ups to him and says, "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hairdryers, anyway?", so he goes, "Well it gets windy in Chicago.", I says "Chicago! Chicago, yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago". I used to mix their soundtracks for 'em. But I couldn't quite get it, see.
Roseanne: [chuckling] Good night, "Ed".
Dan: Night? Night? What the hell do you know about "night"? I was almost on "The Edge of Night" one time, 'xcept I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, you see, and I couldn't... couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English see, so he didn't know what the heck he was doin'...
Roseanne: [laughing hysterically] Shut up!
Dan: I was shut up in a cave one time, Myramac Caverns...


"Roseanne: One for the Road (#2.14)" (1990)
Darlene: [to Roseanne] You have a big mouth.
Roseanne: No I don't.
[shouts from up the stairs]
Roseanne: Becky!

Karen Hudson: [after coming in] I'll only take a couple minutes of your time.
Roseanne Conner: Sure.
Karen Hudson: You know, it's hard enough trying to keep an eye on my kid being by myself here. I kind of have to count on other parents to help out once in a while. Do you know what I mean?
Roseanne Conner: Well, no, not really.
Karen Hudson: [furiously] I think it's really crappy that I let my kid come over here and you guys just leave them alone in the house the whole damn day with an open liquor cabinet!
Roseanne Conner: What are you talking about?
Karen Hudson: My kid came home completely bombed yesterday, and she was throwing up half the night!
Roseanne Conner: Are you saying that my kid got your kid drunk?
Karen Hudson: That's exactly what I'm saying.

Dan Conner: All right, Becky, what happened?
Roseanne Conner: And try telling the truth this time.
Becky: Look, it was no big deal. We had a couple of tornadoes.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, it was no big deal, huh? How come you lied?
Dan Conner: Who made them?
Becky: I made them.
Roseanne Conner: I want to know right now. Is this a new thing or a regular thing?
Becky: I've never done it before.
Roseanne Conner: Is that the truth?
Becky: [annoyed] Yes! What is the problem? You guys drink all the time!
Dan Conner: First of all, we don't drink all the time. Second of all, we're not talking about us!
Becky: Look, I have one drink and you guys act like I'm an alcoholic! Oh, quick, I'll call the 800 number!
Roseanne Conner: We are your 800 number, Becky. And if you got a problem, you better tell us about it right now.
Becky: We were bored. we were looking for something to do.
Dan Conner: You want something to do? Find me, I'll give you something to do!
Becky: I guess I just wasn't thinking.
Roseanne Conner: For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!
Becky: Mom, everything I do, everything I feel, it's always, "Well, she's 14". I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Oh, well she's 37."
Roseanne Conner: [after a pause] 36 and a half.
Becky: Whatever.
Dan Conner: You know, Becky, you're gonna find that when people drink, they mostly do it for the wrong reasons.
Becky: [sarcastically] So, what are the right reasons?
Dan Conner: Honey?
Roseanne Conner: You're grounded!

Roseanne Conner: [after finding out Becky is drunk, to Darlene] What the hell went on here? Did you get in the liquor when you were playing the records?
Becky: [as Darlene hesitates, solemnly] I was playing the records.
Dan Conner: Wait a minute... Darlene, I thought you said you were playing the records.
Darlene Conner: Well, yeah. I mean... I got them out, but Becky was actually playing them.
Karen Hudson: Who was the bartender?
Darlene Conner: [to Becky] Wasn't it that girl who was over here studying with you?
[Karen glares at Darlene who smiles]

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] Dana was throwing up all night and you look like you've been reincarnated as a rag.

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] You know, I'm not so much bothered by the fact that you took a drink. I mean, you tried it, you got sick, you got caught. You know know what that's like. What really bugs the hell out of me is that I just can't trust you anymore and I always thought I could. You blew it big time.
Becky: So, what are you saying? That I have to be chaperoned for the rest of my life?
Roseanne Conner: Well, you tell me. Can I not leave you alone in the house anymore?
Darlene: Well, I could watch her.
Roseanne Conner: So, do I have to throw out every bit of liquor 'cause you can't get that kids do not do what adults do?
Becky: No, of course not. I'm sorry, Mom.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I can't trust you anymore.
Becky: Yes, you can.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, we'll find out I guess 'cause I'm gonna be watching you like a hawk. And maybe someday a long, long time from now, things will be the way they were before 'cause that's the way they should be.

Roseanne: [to Mrs. Hudson] Well, I'm sorry I wasn't here to keep an eye on whatever the hell went on here yesterday.
Karen Hudson: I'm sorry too. I've got a 14-year-old girl at home with a hangover.
Roseanne: Well, maybe you should go home and take care of her.
Karen Hudson: Maybe you guys should shell out a few bucks and get a lock on that liquor cabinet.
Dan Conner: Thanks, but I think we know how to run our own household.
Karen Hudson: Yeah, well, don't expect to be seeing my kid around here anymore.
[leaves the house]


"Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (#6.18)" (1994)
Nancy: [talking about her girlfriend Sharon] Nothing personal, Roseanne, I just haven't introduced Sharon to any of my friends.
Roseanne: Oh, you mean any of your straight friends, right? Because you've never been able to accept our alternate lifestyle. Well, it isn't a choice, you know.

Sharon: I've been wanting to meet you for a while, but for some reason Nancy was scared to introduce her girlfriend to you guys.
Roseanne: Why, you ain't one of them lesbians, are ya?

Roseanne: I haven't been dancing since... when was Dad's funeral?

Nancy: [about a bar she and girlfriend Sharon want to go to] I don't think you'd have such a great time.
Jackie: Sounds like fun.
Nancy: It's a gay bar.
Jackie: Okey-dokey.
Roseanne: Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.
Nancy: Well, it might! Friday is convert-a-hetero night.

Jackie: Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?
Roseanne: Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.

Leon Carp: So, Friday night, I'll get my chance to see Rosanne out with my people, huh? That should prove quite entertaining.
Roseanne: Why?
Leon Carp: Well, how can I put this delicately? A gay bar is sort of like a size 12 dress. You just won't fit in.

Roseanne: You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.
Dan Conner: I'm your husband. That's my right.


"Roseanne: The Last Thursday in November (#8.8)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: What elk horn do I have to blow on to get something to eat around here?

Roseanne Conner: [as a Pilgrim] Earth is a woman? That's nothing but heathen talk... I'll tell you how everything works, God is in heaven, on a throne, so He can damn everything.

Roseanne Conner: [as a Pilgrim] I wish I could stay here and learn more from you.
Indian woman: So pick up my cassettes in the lobby.

Man: You gotta admit them Pilgrims was pretty brave, they came over here and discovered America.
Mr. Hill - DJ's Teacher: How could they discover America if my people had already lived here? That's like me going outside and discovering someone else's Porsche.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, that's like that time my husband shimmied up the telephone pole and discovered cable.

Roseanne Conner: I will never laugh at F-Troop again, no matter how funny that Larry Storch is.
Mr. Hill - DJ's Teacher: Don't get me started on F-Troop, I mean I never saw an Indian person go woo-woo-woo! And I've seen a lot of drunk rednecks do it.

Indian woman: Daughter, sit, I have much to tell you. Heaven and Earth are the same, man exists with woman, he's part of woman. Woman gives life to man.
Roseanne Conner: I cannot understand what you're talking about.
Indian woman: Well you should understand, you're a woman. Women give life, like the Earth does.
Roseanne Conner: You thought all this up sitting in your hut?
Indian woman: Well I get out some, the occasional walk you know.

Woman: [complaining about the way the Pilgrims and Indians were depicted in the play] It just so happens my great great, great grandmother was an authentic...
Mr. Hill - DJ's Teacher: Cherokee princess, I'm sorry but there's no such thing as princesses among Native people.
Roseanne Conner: [to woman] You're so busted and your roots are brown.


"Roseanne: Stressed to Kill (#4.9)" (1991)
Roseanne: We're talking about *me* now, Dan.

Roseanne: [while trying to stop smoking, to a customer in the restaurant] You did too order salami! Yes you did! Yes you did! Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
Bonnie Watkins: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Roseanne: Eat it or wear it!

Roseanne: [waits on a smoking customer] Can I help you?
Customer: Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Roseanne: Tuna salad... egg salad... chicken salad... turkey salad... shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

D.J.: You stink!
Roseanne: I do not!
D.J.: You smell like smoke.
Roseanne: Well, my hair was on fire!

Roseanne: I am an obsessive compulsive addictive mess, Dan! I can't do anything just a little, I find something I like and I totally overdo it: eating, smoking, thank God for birth control.
Dan Conner: Amen.

Roseanne: The problem is just me, Dan. I blame the kids, I blame money, but it's all bull. I am just weak.
Dan Conner: [coyly] That's why I married you, because you're so weak and frail.

Dan Conner: [walks Roseanne into the bedroom] Tell me what happened.
Roseanne: Oh, then I called Leon a big doodie-face and he sent me home.
[collapses face down on the bed]
Dan Conner: [sprawls over her and massages her back] Did you smoke?
Roseanne: No. I did however eat seven thousand pickle chips.
Dan Conner: Thanks for the warning.


"Roseanne: Halloween IV (#5.7)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?
Roseanne: No, Dan wore pajamas.

Jackie Harris: Hey, Happy Halloween! Did you see the great pumpkin last night?
Roseanne: No, Dan wore pajamas...

Ghost of Hallowe'en Present: I am the Ghost of Halloween Present.
Roseanne: No you're not, you're some big piece of candy corn!

Roseanne: [to the candy corn shaped ghost of Halloween present] I hope nobody sees me with you, I'm supposed to be on Slim Fast.

Roseanne: [to the ghost of Halloween past] There's some other stuff from my past I want to see again. Like this one time I wrapped a coon skin cap on my skateboard and pushed it out into traffic yelling 'look out for my dog!'
[the ghost laughs]
Roseanne: That, I wouldn't mind seeing twice.

Darlene Conner: [entering the living room dressed as a crow pecked Tippi Hedren] Well, what do you think?
Roseanne: Well it's nice to see you in a skirt again.

Roseanne: [everybody at the lodge party is talking bad about Roseanne] Defend me, Dan!
Dan Conner: [to the lodge members] Hey! Try living with the woman!


"Roseanne: Language Lessons (#1.4)" (1988)
Dan Conner: Rosie, is my chili too bland?
Roseanne Conner: Absolutely not! Your chili is just like you: hot and spicy!

Dan Conner: What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.
Jackie Harris: Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.
[seething, Dan leaves the room]
Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] You really must come over more often.

Roseanne Conner: [Jackie and Dan are arguing] I know this game, I really do, you take this arm and you take this arm and you both pull until I splatter on the floor in a puddle!

Roseanne Conner: She's over here all the time because she's my sister, and he didn't mean anything, he's just blowing off steam. Now I swear you are worse than all three of the kids.

Roseanne Conner: I hear you did some major redecorating of Darlene's castle.
D.J. Conner: I didn't mean to!
Roseanne Conner: I know you didn't.
D.J. Conner: Darlene called me stupid.
Roseanne Conner: You're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.

Darlene Conner: D.J. broke my castle and now I'm going to fail history and it's all D.J.'s fault!
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, it's totally his fault that you put this off till the last minute.
Darlene Conner: But Mom...
Roseanne Conner: And it's totally his fault that you've been screwing around all year in history.

Roseanne Conner: You knew when you married me that I had a sister.
Dan Conner: Yeah, well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, hell, I didn't think *I'd* be here every weekend.
Dan Conner: You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
Dan Conner: I'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in the...
[Sees Roseanne mockingly hold up a pair of his boxer shorts with little red hearts]
Dan Conner: Put those down.


"Roseanne: December Bride (#8.11)" (1995)
Leon Carp: [having a bad case of cold feet with the wedding] What if I am not even really gay?
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Leon Carp: Oh yeah! Well you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbara Streisand. And for God's sake I'm a Republican!
Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
Leon Carp: Well it's...
Roseanne: [interrupt with a shout] Gay!
Leon Carp: Oh yeah?
Leon Carp: [plants a huge kiss on Roseanne] I'm gay. Let's do it.

Leon Carp: Roseanne what is all this?
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon Carp: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just, roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!

Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Oh, Leon's told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

Roseanne: This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip.
Nancy Bartlett: Oh great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn.
Roseanne: [to Scott] We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.

Scott: [to Roseanne] Let me see that check.
[dials the phone]
Scott: You really shouldn't have to... Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come-and-Go Motel, last time you and your husband were here you left some of your private garments here and... you haven't? Well aren't you a 20-year-old busty blonde? Oops, my mistake.
[hangs up]
Roseanne: He stiffs me out of a tip and you wreck his whole marriage? This is great, I've got other checks, let's do more.


"Roseanne: Good Girls, Bad Girls (#5.10)" (1992)
Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Roseanne: Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to Darlene's mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is *majorly mad*.

Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.

Molly Tilden: I don't have to listen to this.
Roseanne: Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be *extra* careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

Roseanne: I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.
Molly Tilden: That's right, because you're not my mother!
Roseanne: Okay, since I'm not your mother I'm not going to tell you how STUPID it is to get in a stranger's van and how horrible things happen to stupid little girls like you every day of the week.

Roseanne: Oh you're right, Dan, teenagers shouldn't go to rock concerts, only middle aged married couples should.


"Roseanne: Daughters and Other Strangers (#5.25)" (1993)
Roseanne: Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.

Roseanne: [to David, who doesn't want Darlene to leave home] Yeah, but you know what they say, David. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.

Dan: You're acting like a crazed psychopath.
Roseanne: [snorts] Well the voices in my head disagree.

Dan: [on getting married] I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.
Roseanne: No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing *you* ever did, but we're talking about *me* now!

Roseanne: [Roseanne and Darlene bury the hatchet] So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest '93.
Darlene: Oh what a time we had!

David Healy: You can't tell Darlene what to do. She's a big girl!
Roseanne: [snarls] Compared to who?


"Roseanne: Stand on Your Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Roseanne: You can't just go over there, Arnie, a lot of things have changed in this town since you were here last.
Arnie Thomas: Like what?
Roseanne: Like, Nancy's a lesbian, and we got a new Lens Crafter.

Dan: Nancy's gay? Our Nancy? Arnie's Nancy?
Roseanne: Yes, and now Marla's Nancy.

Roseanne: He just looked like a regular lunatic, you know.
Dan: Could you be more specific?
Roseanne: Yeah, okay. He looks like the kind of guy Darlene's gonna bring home, and we're gonna have to call "Son".

Dan: Would you consider getting a gun for the diner?
Roseanne: Oh, there's a great idea. A loaded gun in the same room with my mother and my sister. What if they miss each other, and they kill a customer?

Jackie: [In the diner, kidding around about Dan] Is this creep giving you trouble, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Yes. He keeps insisting he's my husband, and he won't leave!

Jane, Female Instructor: [self-defense lesson] Passivity is your worst enemy. First thing we learn to do here is to say "No" to men.
Roseanne: [to Jackie] You sure you took this class?


"Roseanne: Roseambo (#9.9)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: [rips the tape off Soba's mouth revealing a ball gag was also in her mouth] Are you okay?
Soba: [feeling her mouth] Uh huh.
Roseanne Conner: Well you're in America no, nobody can shut you up, and you don't have to wear a ball in your mouth unless you get off on it.

Dr. Bakshi: Only God can save us now.
Roseanne Conner: [Breaks down the door] What about Goddess?

Roseanne Conner: You people are barbarians! In this country we don't spill blood to shut women up, we do it with diet, fashion and psychiatry!

Roseanne Conner: Oh my God I can't believe I'm going to die like this. That carnival psychic was right!

Lee: You will never make it: your family is 9 cars back, each car with 8 guards, each guard with 7 guns, each gun with 6 bullets.
Roseanne Conner: Didn't anybody ever tell you that girls can't do math?
[leaves him pinned to the wall]

Roseanne Conner: Terrorists don't really bother me, after all I did raise two teenaged daughters in the same house at the same time.


"Roseanne: Inherit the Wind (#2.1)" (1989)
Darlene: Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
Roseanne: What happened?
Darlene: Becky... cut... the cheese.

Roseanne: Becky, what do you think of this dress?
Becky Conner: Stick a few candles in it and make a wish.

Darlene: Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on.
Roseanne: Invoices. I'm ordering new children.
Darlene: Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially-tattooed, Latin boy of sixteen.

Darlene: [to Becky] At least I'm not a drooling, boy-crazed nymphomaniac!
Roseanne: Hey, leave me out of this!

Crystal Anderson: I heard about Becky's accident, I'm so sorry.
Roseanne: Yeah, we're thinking of having her put to sleep.
Crystal Anderson: I got her a card.
Roseanne: How touching, and strange.
[later, to Dan]
Roseanne: You know they say there's a card for everything, what do you want to bet?
Dan Conner: [reads the card] I'll be damned.

Roseanne: [seeing Becky come home from school] Hey, I thought you had pep squad today.
Becky Conner: [shouts in tears] I'M QUITTING PEP SQUAD, I'M QUITTING SCHOOL, AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN! AND IF ANYBODY CALLS ME, TELL THEM I'M DEAD!
Dan Conner: Well, it must be serious. She's not taking phone calls.


"Roseanne: Everyone Comes to Jackie's (#6.16)" (1994)
Roseanne: [Darlene, at Jackie's house where David is also staying, refuses to return home so Roseanne can torture her] Wrong, that is exactly why you're going back there. You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend.
Darlene Conner: Well obviously you've never *had* sex with my boyfriend.

Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!
Roseanne: We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!

Dan: [Roseanne wants to take him to work, but he is angry with her] On second thought, I just might like to walk to work today.
Roseanne: Oh, you don't even like to walk to the car.

Dan: Before she met David, Darlene was not the kind of kid who would lie about living with her boyfriend.
Roseanne: Before she met David, Darlene was 12.

Roseanne: You keep going on about this is David's fault, well Darlene was there too, Dan, it's not like David forced her to hide him out.
Dan: I know that guys can be very persuasive with girls.
Roseanne: Have you *met* Darlene?

Dan: I know that I was able to take advantage of you.
Roseanne: Yeah right.
Dan: Do you not remember our second date? You had gotten into a big fight with your mom and were all upset, I wasn't thinking about your feelings, I was thinking you were ripe for the picking.
Roseanne: My mom was in Indiana, there was no fight, I just made it up so
[fake weeping]
Roseanne: you could comfort me in my time of need.
[later]
Roseanne: The fact that I had my nightgown in my purse should've tipped you off!


"Roseanne: Rear Window (#7.13)" (1995)
[on their new neighbors]
Jackie: So, they're like, really old?
Roseanne: Well, let's just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President Lincoln was shot.

Dan Conner: What're you doing?
Roseanne: [on her way to the bathroom] Well my unborn daughter and I are going to have a little puke party.

Dan Conner: [looking at the neighbors naked] I hope I don't look like that when I get old.
Roseanne: I hope not too Dan, because that's the wife.

Jackie: So they're like, totally naked all day?
Roseanne: Well... sometimes he wears a hat.

Roseanne: [after explaining about their nudity] Well, we don't want to offend you or anything. It's just that we think that the side of you might be wrecking our son.
Irene Cornelli: Oh, really? And how's that?
Roseanne: Well, uh, no offense, you know... uh... But look at you!
Irene Cornelli: [furiously] Well, no offense, but look at YOU, and you have CLOTHES on!
Skip Cornelli: It isn't our nudity; it's our age, isn't it? Perhaps if we were younger and more attractive, we wouldn't be having this talk.
Roseanne: [sarcastically] Well, yeah, probably not for a couple more weeks.
Skip Cornelli: I feel sorry for you people. Nudity is our chosen lifestyle - but you can't help yourselves! You're compulsive, sick perverts!
Roseanne: Well, it's not that easy not to look!
Irene Cornelli: Well, I certainly think WE could manage.
Roseanne: Oh, yeah?
[rips open her blouse shocking them in disgust]
Roseanne: What color are my eyes?
Irene Cornelli: OH, MY GOD!
Skip Cornelli: Come on, dear!
[Skip and Irene head to the door and get their coats]
Skip Cornelli: [angrily] We're going to plant that hedge, believe me - and we'll tell all your neighbors just what kind of people you are!
[they leave]
Roseanne: Well, it's too late! They already know!

Roseanne: [as she shows Skip and Irene the house] We should go in the bedroom there, because at night, you get a really good view of the stars there. Normally around now, we have a lovely view of your anus.


"Roseanne: Chicken Hearts (#2.13)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [after kicking Brian out] Brian.
[Brian turns to her]
Roseanne Conner: Would you like fries with that?
[Roseanne slams the door at his face]

Roseanne Conner: I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.

Roseanne Conner: I've got two more pancakes here!
D.J. Conner: I want French toast!
Roseanne Conner: Well, you better move to Europe.

Brian: Now this is supposed to be fast food, people and we can't exactly call it fast.
Roseanne Conner: Why not? We call it food.

Brian: [to Roseanne] You are paid to follow my orders. It isn't always pretty, but this is the business we've chosen.
Roseanne Conner: You've got a big booger hanging out of your nose!

Roseanne Conner: [to Brian after learning that she is fired] I need that job and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.


"Roseanne: Be My Baby (#6.5)" (1993)
Dan: [Roseanne and Dan are trying to get pregnant] You know, I've been thinking... when this kid graduates high school, I'll be sixty.
Roseanne: Well, it's one of our kids, Dan, so you'll probably be more like sixty five or seventy.

Bev: [Roseanne told her Jackie is pregnant] Well, I always knew something like this would happen. She got married and didn't invite me!
Roseanne: No, Mom, she did not get *married*, she just got *pregnant*, and you're right - she didn't invite you.

Roseanne: [upset that Roseanne didn't let Jackie tell their Mother that she is pregnant] Well I - I just wanted to soften the blow.
Jackie: But I didn't *want* this blow to be soft. This was the one! The one! This was the moment I've been waiting for all my life! This one coulda *killed* her!
Roseanne: Jackie, if you believe in reincarnation at all, perhaps this is not the perfect time to *kill* Mom, if you know what I mean.

Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He's hast'a sit on the bed with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.
Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.

[first lines]
Dan: [Roseanne is on the bed holding her legs in the air] Rosie... what are you doing this time?
Roseanne: I'm directing your sperms where to go.
Dan: Please. I think my *boys* know their way around a fallopian tube.
Roseanne: I don't know, Dan, I think they're getting old, I hear 'em wheezing around in there.


"Roseanne: Fender Bender (#2.21)" (1990)
Becky Conner: You always say how you want better things for us.
Roseanne Conner: Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.

Mrs. Wellman: Roxanne, I want you to know that, even though you no longer work for the company, we still think of you as part of the Wellman family.
Roseanne Conner: I don't suppose my health insurance is still good.
Mrs. Wellman: [laughs]

Mrs. Wellman: [Roseanne is showing her to the door] Now, why would you feel stupid?
Roseanne Conner: Because, for some dumb reason, I actually thought that you dropped by to see how I was doing, but you only came by to buy me off.
Mrs. Wellman: Buy you off?
Roseanne Conner: Yea, but you bought yourself a huge law-suit, lady, 'cause I'm gonna haul you into court, and I'm gonna squeeze you dry.
Mrs. Wellman: Well. I hope you have a *very* good attorney.
Roseanne Conner: [thinking about the incompetent attorney they have, Roseanne is speechless, looks at Dan, Dan is hyperventilating, smiles at Mrs. Wellman, and takes back the check] Let me rephrase that, Meg. Um, I think what I really meant to say was that if, uh, you know, if I, if I woulda bumped into you, I mean I, I woulda called a lawyer too, you know, but first I woulda, maybe, *called* ya to see if you were okay, and, and, and to say 'I'm sorry'.

Roseanne Conner: The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.
Dan Conner: They love canned spaghetti.
Roseanne Conner: Not for breakfast.

Becky Conner: [Roseanne's loopy on painkillers] Mom, did you go flying through the windshield?
Roseanne Conner: No, but I can't wait to try that next.


"Roseanne: The Dark Ages (#5.3)" (1992)
Dan: [the electricity has been shut off, and the Connors are trying to entertain themselves by telling stories] But I bet your Mom could make up a good one, couldn't you, honey?
Roseanne: Oh, okay, let's see. Um, ah! I got one, okay. Well, once upon a time there was these four princesses, and they lived in this great big house all together and they never left, okay? And uh, they just sat around all the time talking and talking, and yammering and yammering. And they killed every single man who ever came over there, except for one who they kept as a pet. And then one time these two princesses left, and then these other two came on and they really stunk, and...
Darlene: Mom, that's "Designing Women".

Roseanne: [the power goes out] Well, middle class was fun.

Jackie Harris: [Roseanne called the power company but they won't turn the power on] Did you tell them you have children?
Roseanne: Yeah, they don't want 'em.

Roseanne: [to Darlene] Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.
Darlene: Why?
Roseanne: Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.
Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you that.
Roseanne: Oh, Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid.
Darlene: Yeah, well, neither am I. First of all, I don't want to have sex yet. And second, you think I'd do it with you 20 feet away?
Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Darlene: Really? You can't!
Roseanne: [after a long pause] You mean you can hear us?
Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.

Darlene: I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!
Roseanne: So what are you getting at, Becky?


"Roseanne: The Getaway, Almost (#8.7)" (1995)
Dan Conner: What happened on the road?
Roseanne Conner: There was a revolution out there we didn't even know about.
Dan Conner: The yellow light went off didn't it?
Roseanne Conner: No, a wake up call went off. It's about taking control. It's about being a riot girl!

Roseanne Conner: You really didn't hear any good songs by women, until Janis.
Jackie Harris: Oh yes, Janis, thank God for Janis. You know, I also learned the truth at 17.
Roseanne Conner: Not Janis IAN you moron! Janis Joplin!

Jackie Harris: I'll take our picture, just like Thelma & Louise.
Roseanne Conner: Well, I *do* look like Geena Davis, and *you* look exactly like Harvey Keitel.

Roseanne Conner: Remember the Beatles had that song, "Run for your life" by the Beatles? Where the guy says he'd rather see her dead than with another guy. That's all them wife beaters need is an anthem.

Roseanne Conner: Remember the song where the guy says 'don't get hooked on me? I'll use you and set you free'. Use me and I'll set you on fire, bastard.


"Roseanne: Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? (#3.11)" (1990)
Dan: [the girls missed curfew again] We said 9:00, we meant 9:00.
Roseanne: Yeah, 'cause see, we have this really crazy idea that you actually listen when we speak. And when you're not here by nine, we figure you have a reason, and if we're not hearing that reason from you, then we just sit here and make up our own reason, like that you're laying in a ditch somewhere
Becky: We would've called, but there was no phone in the ditch we were laying in... Ha Ha?

Dan: Whatcha doin'?
Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warrens house tonight.
Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
Roseanne: No! That was D.J.... Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Roseanne: What was the second thing you noticed about me?
Dan: [chuckles at the memory]
Roseanne: What, what, what?
Dan: Ah, those big brown eyes. Like two chained Dobermans waiting to rip your leg off.

Roseanne: [talking to Dan about when he asked her to be his girlfriend] You said you'd make the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.
DJ: Mom! The toilet's broken!
Roseanne: Liar.

Becky: [trying to get their curfew extended with compliments] You look real nice, Mom.
Roseanne: Thank you. Eleven o'clock.
Darlene: [quietly to Becky] Not "nice", "thin". "Thin"!


"Roseanne: Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places (#5.6)" (1992)
Darlene: [after Roseanne brings in loose meat sandwiches from a diner she wants to copy] What reeks?
Roseanne: Your future!
Darlene: Yeah, that smells about right.

Donald Bobeck: [about getting help from the SBA] Not likely. Based on our criteria, we consider you... a bad risk.
Roseanne: [starts to rise] I'll tell you what a bad risk is. That's *you* sitting across this desk from me, calling *me* a bad risk!

Roseanne: [to the SBA officer not helping them] You know, the SBA is supposed to be set up to help people like us. Ya'll don't know nothing about people like us. The trouble with people who work for the government, is ya'll have *jobs*!

Roseanne: [Jackie wonders why Roseanne is mad at her] You're the one who dragged that damn ray of hope into this house!

Roseanne: I'll tell you what's a bad risk. A bad risk is you sitting across the desk calling me a bad risk.


"Roseanne: Satan, Darling (#9.7)" (1996)
Darlene Conner-Healy: Mom, is this normal? I'm so big and I'm only 8 weeks pregnant.
Roseanne Conner: Well I don't know how to tell you this but that isn't normal for 8 years pregnant.

Roseanne Conner: Are you the devil?
Devil's Advocate: I'm his advocate.
Roseanne Conner: But you look like me.
Devil's Advocate: I take on whatever form your subconscious chooses, I almost came as a hamburger.

Roseanne Conner: I practically raised my sister and my husband and myself, plus my three kids, not to mention my daughter's husbands. I was powerful as a mother but I am unstoppable as a grandmother.

Roseanne Conner: I'll love this baby no matter his race, creed, nationality, or sexual orientation.
Devil's Advocate: Darn, I mean, damn!
[disappears]
Roseanne Conner: Darlene, get your baby, we're going home. You are SO beyond grounded, young lady!

Roseanne Conner: [showing off her dress] Hey look, I'm the Nanny!


"Roseanne: Dan's Birthday Bash (#1.9)" (1989)
Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
Roseanne: Oh you mean that 19 year old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
Dan: You noticed.
Roseanne: Noticed hell, I made sketches.

Becky: [Just before leaving to have dinner at her boyfriend's house] Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.
Roseanne: Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.

Becky: What if his mother serves something gross like Brussel sprouts?
Roseanne: Just spit them in your napkin.
Becky: That's disgusting.
Roseanne: Not if you put them in your purse when they're not looking.

Darlene: [explaining why Dan's not there] He yelled at Dwight and threw his hammer through the drywall.
Roseanne: [to Chip's mother] Well it *is* Saturday.

Dan: Babe, I ain't the man I used to be.
Roseanne: Yeah, but you know, Dan, you were never the man you used to be.


"Roseanne: Lanford Daze (#5.15)" (1993)
Dan: Do I still have a tie?
Roseanne: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come again?
Dan: A tie. One of those long skinny things? Remember the wedding?

Roseanne: Damn that stork!

Darlene: I was making a statement.
Roseanne: Yeah? Well, I'm making a statement too! Only *my* chalk outline is going to have long, curly hair, and a great, big, mouth!

Roseanne: You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people! All that's left for us *is* animals!

Darlene: All right, let's get this over with. I did the chalk outlines. I just couldn't go on being part of the Conner family money-making death machine.
Roseanne: Oh *now* you come up with a name for the restaurant.


"Roseanne: BOO! (#2.7)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah, she was scary.
Becky Conner: Who's Mrs. Osmand?
Jackie Harris: Oh she was this mad woman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.
Roseanne Conner: Too bad she never did it on Halloween.
Jackie Harris: Hey sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.
Darlene Conner: Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?
Roseanne Conner: If she's truly insane she will.

Becky Conner: Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmand?
Dan Conner: Yeah, didn't she have a couple of hits in the 70s?
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, you remember the one they took away.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, she was a real psycho, wasn't she always trying to eat her face?
Roseanne Conner: That was when there was still hope. But you remember what happened after that.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, who could forget? She uh...
Darlene Conner: Escaped.
Dan Conner: Yeah.
Becky Conner: No they didn't. You said they let her out.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well we just didn't want to scare you.
Jackie Harris: Yeah, you know there's an APB out on her.
Dan Conner: Is that right?
Roseanne Conner: Dan, there's a woman in our backyard!
Dan Conner: [everybody goes to the back door] She's hiding behind the garage, I better go out there.
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan, no!
Darlene Conner: Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Roseanne Conner, Dan Conner, Jackie Harris: GOTCHA!

Jackie Harris: What're you guys gonna be?
Becky Conner: Oooooh, maybe I'll be Wonder Woman.
Darlene Conner: And I can be Casper the friendly ghost!
Roseanne Conner: Well I guess you two are just tooooo mature to go trick or treating.
Darlene Conner: Besides, if I want candy I'll just go through your purse.

Jackie Harris: This is a sick household!
Roseanne Conner: And it's going to be even sicker when I get done because this time it's personal!

Becky Conner: [Darlene dribbles blood into Becky's cereal] Darlene!
Darlene Conner: They cut out my tongue.
Becky Conner: You are so gross!
Roseanne Conner: Gross? You're disgusting and I am proud to be your mommy!


"Roseanne: Somebody Stole My Gal (#2.4)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: [Darlene goes to answer the door bell] Hey, Darlene, you're on your best behavior.
Darlene Conner: [chuckles sarcastically] Yeah, right.

Burt Drucker: I mean, I really love the idea of family, you know? Barbeques, and cook outs, and holidays; getting up early Saturday morning so the kids can watch cartoons.
Roseanne Conner: Something tells me you've never been puked on by a two year old, Burt.

Roseanne Conner: [about their relentlessly annoying, needy visitor] He's a human being.
Dan Conner: [angrily] You got proof of that?

Roseanne Conner: We're children of the 60s, Dan, we're supposed to love people, and anymore that's about the only thing we can afford to give away.

Roseanne Conner: [to Burt] How did you manage to live this long without anybody driving a spike into your skull?


"Roseanne: Punch and Jimmy (#7.8)" (1994)
Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt.
Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Roseanne: [returning from a ballet recital that Darlene's new boyfriend was dancing in] Well it *is* every mother's dream to get a good look at her daughter's boyfriend's... package.

Roseanne: [about Darlene's new boyfriend] I'm not going to pounce on him, Jackie. I want him nice and relaxed when I kill him, otherwise it spoils the meat.

Darlene: [nicely says 'Hi' to Jackie, turns to her mother and snarls] What are *you* doing here?
Roseanne: Well, it's Parent's Day, and your birth mother, Morgan Fairchild, couldn't make it.

Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt.
Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.


"Roseanne: Secrets (#4.23)" (1992)
D.J.: [besides playing video games] There's nothing else to do.
Jackie: Aw, sure there is! When your Mom and I were your age, kids used to ride their bikes all over, and build tree forts, and dress up dogs in funny clothes... all kinds of stuff.
D.J.: Fine. I'll go outside if I have to.
Roseanne: Dress up dogs?
Jackie: Yeah, the little white dog with a black eye.
Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was "The Little Rascals"!

Roseanne: [on the phone with Crystal, trying to plan an evening out] Crystal, well we're supposed to go out tonight... I can't believe you've known about it for a week, and you still haven't even found a babysitter yet... Well, there's got to be some responsible teen-age girls out there. Let me ask Becky or Darlene. Maybe they know somebody... Okay, I'll call you back later. Bye.
Jackie: Can't find anybody she trusts, huh.
Roseanne: Nope, she might have to end up leaving them kids with her husband.

Jackie: [about having to live on a very tight budget] It - it - it could be done. I was watching this National Geographic special on desert people. Bedouins can live for three days on one fig.
Roseanne: Well, that don't do me no good. My family can't live three days on one Bedouin.

Roseanne: [whining] I got a gold card in the mail the other day. It has a $5,000 limit; I was saving it in case we needed it.
Dan: What fish-brained company gave *us* a gold card?
Roseanne: Well, they ask you for your annual income, and your social security number. Maybe I switched 'em.

Jackie: [talking about what happened at the Lobo] One of the drivers I work with was there. He said Mark got really drunk. He put his hand through the jukebox, and Dan had to go down there and smooth everything over.
Roseanne: So, thaaaat's what's going on. I kneeeew I was busting Dan's chops for somethin'! I just didn't know what.


"Roseanne: I'm Hungry (#2.18)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [after being unable to zip up a pair of pants]
[groans]
Roseanne Conner: We've gotta go on a diet.
Dan Conner: What's this *we* jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Darlene Conner: Oh right. Like *I* invented double dutch chocolate.
Roseanne Conner: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Dan Conner: Me too!
Darlene Conner: Twenty pounds?
Roseanne Conner: Okay, forty pounds,
[long pause]
Roseanne Conner: with each kid.
Dan Conner: Me too!

Roseanne Conner: We gotta go on a diet.
Dan Conner: What's this 'we' jazz? My pants fit fine.
Roseanne Conner: Well my pants don't fit me.
Dan Conner: Your pants don't fit me either.

Iris: You know what's great exercise? Dodging machine gunfire on a beach.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah because you know, you get all sweaty and then you can just dive into the ocean.
Iris: Exactly.

Roseanne Conner: [catches Dan eating ice cream] WELL, LOOK AT YOU!
Dan Conner: [quickly puts the ice cream away] Gotta go!
Roseanne Conner: I don't believe it! The very first week you agree to go on a diet, I catch you cheating!
Dan Conner: Excuse me, YOU agreed to go on a diet! Oh...
[Dan feels his head in pain and jumps like mad]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, ice cream headache - brain freeze, huh? Well, you deserve it! You go have some warm tap water!
[Dan does so]
Roseanne Conner: I don't even believe you, Dan! You DID say you'd do this with me! You said that, and don't try to deny it! And you were cheating just then, too, weren't you, Dan? So don't try to deny that, either! You did say we'd go on a diet; and we are gonna diet, I say let's stick to the diet. Eating potato chips isn't gonna help anything!
Dan Conner: Who's eating potato chips?
Roseanne Conner: What?
Dan Conner: You said potato chips. Who's eating potato chips?
Roseanne Conner: [pauses] Well, I meant ice cream.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but you said potato chips.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, I can't even believe you, Dan! Don't you try to turn this thing around on me!
Dan Conner: [suspiciously] I wanna see what's going on in this bathroom here!
Roseanne Conner: [dashes back into the bathroom] NO, I TOLD YOU I'M TAKING A BATH!
[slams the door at Dan's face]


"Roseanne: Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do (#4.17)" (1992)
Dan: [talking about Becky's date, Dean, the transition guy] Well, at least I'll know what to do when this happens with Darlene.
Roseanne: Look how cute you are!
[Jackie laughs]
Dan: I hate this.
Jackie: [as Dan leaves the room] Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue.
Roseanne: Yeah, it's like somebody moved his food dish.

Mark Healy: [asking about Becky] Well, have you been telling her I called?
Roseanne: Yes, Mark!
Mark Healy: Yeah, I'm sure you have.
Roseanne: What, are you calling me a liar? Hey, I got a husband and a boss, I have no need to lie to you!

Jackie: [after Roseanne tells Mark off, and throws him out of the house] Whoa, you really nuked him.
Roseanne: I don't know, Jackie. Gee, I've been dreaming about laying into that punk for a year and a half, you know. I finally get the chance, and I forgot to make fun of his hair!

Mark Healy: You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!
Roseanne: Yeah and the more names I called you, the more money I had to shell out for birth control pills.

Dan: [about Dean] You KNEW this guy was dead from the minute he walked in here?
Roseanne: Yeah! Why do you think I tried to unload the salt-free chips on him?


"Roseanne: Lies My Father Told Me (#6.21)" (1994)
Darlene Conner: [DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him] Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Darlene Conner: Not if I kill you first.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.
D.J. Conner: She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!
Darlene Conner: How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

Darlene Conner: Only in our family can someone be nutcase for twenty years without anyone noticing.
Roseanne Conner: We notice, Darlene, we're just ignoring you.

Jackie Harris: [Roseanne learns something about Dan's family that he kept hidden] Well, maybe he was ashamed.
Roseanne Conner: Ashamed? He's been married to me for twenty-one years, you'd think he would be numb to shame by now.
Jackie Harris: I don't know, Roseanne, it is kinda bad. I mean, think about it... his Mom beat our Mom to the loony-bin.

Bev Harris: Ek-gads, imagine, a child loving his mother. I hope you can *snap* him out of it, Roseanne.
Roseanne Conner: This is not about Dan loving his Mother. Okay, you can still love your mother even though you know that she is a crazy old *shrew*.
Bev Harris: Don't think that I can't read between *those* lines, Roseanne.

Roseanne Conner: I thought it was a good crazy though. Like remember that time that we were all getting ready to go out for ice cream, and she came in with ice cream and they were the exactly flavors we were going to order? I thought she was psychic or something.


"Roseanne: Home-Ec (#3.16)" (1991)
Suzy: Meat's supposed to be bad for you.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah well so are cool pops but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Suzy: Well what about a vegetable?
Roseanne Conner: Ketchup.

Roseanne Conner: Let's see what Meryl picked, New York steak. What does your father do, Meryl?
Meryl: He's a dermatologist.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well then that would be a good choice. Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund?

Roseanne Conner: Where else can you find pizza, microwave pizza, frozen pizza, stuffed crust pizza, pizza tarts, pizza bites, pizza puffs... did I tell you that you shouldn't shop when you're really really hungry?

Roseanne Conner: Now we need corn flakes, they are the most important part of this meal.
Meryl: Why's that?
Roseanne Conner: Well how else do you think we're going to turn 2 pounds of ground round into 11 pounds of mouth watering meatloaf?

Dan: Roseanne, what's going on here? Who are all those girls?
Roseanne Conner: Why they're ours, dearest, don't you remember?
Dan: My God, how long have I been asleep?


"Roseanne: Fights & Stuff (#8.25)" (1996)
Roseanne: You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.

Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out.
Roseanne: I think they turned out great
Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids!
Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!

Dan: [Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!
Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did.
Dan: You didn't throw away a thing.
Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.

Roseanne: Oh, I see. It's my fault, that you don't have any kind of relationship with your family. God, you are pathetic! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?
Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people!
Roseanne: Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!

Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration?
[the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor]
Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch!
[he flips the coffee table over]
Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV!
[she smashes a toy through the TV]
Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothin'
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.
[she storms out]


"Roseanne: Two for One (#7.2)" (1994)
David Healy: I'm not lying, Mrs. Conner, Darlene and I haven't had sex all summer.
Roseanne: Well, I wouldn't know anything about that, what, with being born yesterday.

Roseanne: [walks into the basement bedroom, where Darlene and David are reading on the bed] You two *are* having sex!
Darlene: We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.

Roseanne: What are you doing meeting strange men at motels?
Darlene: No, you have it all wrong. I *meet* them at the truck stops, I *take* them to the motels.

Roseanne: [to Dan] What are you in such a good mood for? You're not allowed to have sugar, so you'd better be drunk.

Roseanne: [Dan expresses that he is not completely sure, but is pretty sure about having another baby] Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm completely pregnant, so you'd better get completely sure pretty damn quick!


"Roseanne: Springtime for David (#8.19)" (1996)
Jackie Harris: I read that the guy who built this place had his head frozen.
Roseanne Conner: Remind me not to order any snow cones.

David Healy: How is everyone?
Roseanne Conner: They're fine, but I won't be until you take that tie off, I need it so I can shoot up.

Roseanne Conner: Wake up, David, this place wants to be Disney World but it's just some cheap, facist knockoff.

David Healy: It says right on the brochure 'this is not a brainwashing camp'.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah and I put my correct weight on my driver's license.

Roseanne Conner: [sees the room full of Hans the Hares] Which one of you is David?
Mr. Schlosser: They have no names. They won't answer to any names except the ones we've given them.
Roseanne Conner: David Healy, the kid who secretly hates animals, the boy who said that the buffalo got what they deserved. Which one of you is David now?
[all the other Hans' point at David]


"Roseanne: Mall Story (#1.16)" (1989)
Becky: Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.
Roseanne: What's the bad news?

Darlene Conner: Can I have a dollar for a cherry guzzle?
Roseanne: Didn't you bring money?
Darlene Conner: Yeah but I'm not spending it on food.
Roseanne: Well a cherry guzzle isn't food, it's toxic waste.

Roseanne: Feel like a chili dog?
Jackie Harris: Among other things. How bout you, Beck? You want a chili dog?
Becky: No, I'm never eating again.
Roseanne: Well you're still doing the dishes.

Becky: All the girls at the dance will have a dress like this. If I don't get this dress, I'll look like a freak and none of the boys will want to dance with me.
Roseanne: So dance with the girls.

D.J. Conner: Look what I got you, a shoe horn.
Roseanne: Why don't you take it upstairs, wrap it and surprise me?
D.J. Conner: Okay.


"Roseanne: Promises, Promises (#5.22)" (1993)
Roger: I'm sure if you made it, Roseanne, it will be delicious.
Roseanne: Cool it, Roger. Dan doesn't like it when I'm lied to by other men.

Jackie: Okay, twenty minutes 'till the movie, let's go.
Roseanne: Okay, hold on, um, because I want you to wear my coat with the big pockets, so we can sneak in our own drinks.
Jackie: Why don't you wear it?
Roseanne: [groans] Oh, they're on to me.

Roseanne: [trying to talk Darlene into going to the prom with David] Well, you know, it's not just for David. I mean, before I die, I would like to see one of my kids go out that door in a prom dress, and if it's not you, D.J.'s gonna be real unhappy.

Roseanne: [Nancy shows up as Roger's date] Well, Nancy, what's going on? I thought you were our "little gay friend".
Nancy Bartlett: So?
Anne-Marie Mitchell: So, can't you get kicked out of the club for this?
Nancy Bartlett: What? He's a nice guy, and he worships me.
Roseanne: Yeah, but I mean, you know, he's an outie, not an innie.

Roseanne: [Jackie asks Roseanne if she wants to talk to Darlene about the possibility that Darlene has had sex] No, Jackie, I don't even want to know about it. Millions of people's kids have sex every day, and they don't know about it; how come I have to know about it? No, I mean, how come I have to know about it! How come my kids always make sure that I find out about every damn thing they do? I want to be in-the-dark, Jackie. I want to walk around with a great big, stupid smile on my face like everybody elses parents in the whole damn world!


"Roseanne: Dear Mom and Dad (#1.22)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: You guys think we don't get your corny, little sex jokes.
Roseanne Conner: Hey, you kids *are* our corny, little sex joke.

Dan Conner: [making out a shopping list, since Roseanne's parents showed up unannounced] Let me see if I got this straight. We need milk?
Roseanne Conner: Milk.
Dan Conner: Eggs?
Roseanne Conner: Eggs.
Dan Conner: Bullets?

Bev Harris: [expressing why she worries about Jackie] Well somebody has to. She's 32, she's unmarried. Heaven forbid that she turns out to be like your Aunt Dale... who teaches P.E.
Roseanne Conner: Speaking of Aunt Dale, how is Uncle Shirley?

Roseanne Conner: If my parents move to Lanford, I am gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life, because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing 'em away!
Dan Conner: Hunny, hunny, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.

Roseanne Conner: [stuck sleeping on cots, they talk about the possibility that Roseanne's parents might move to Lanford] Seriously, Dan, what are we going to do?
Dan Conner: Well, I'd say let's sleep on it... but who could sleep! You know, if you knew how to stand up to your parents, we wouldn't be lying here right now.
Roseanne Conner: What is that supposed to mean? And I'm warning you, that fireplace poker's within reach!


"Roseanne: All About Rosey (#7.19)" (1995)
June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: [Roseanne talks about finding reefer and thinking it's David's] Reefer?
Roseanne Conner: Ask Eddie Haskell.

June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: Girls kissing girls... vulgar language, and teenaged sex!
Roseanne Conner: Yeah that stuff is kinda bad... you wanna hear how much I make?
[everybody huddles, Roseanne tells them]
June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: Oh my God... why, *I'd* make out with a chick for that kind of cash!
Louise Jefferson, TV Mom #3: Any one of you, let's go.

Roseanne Conner: Maybe if you would've spoken your mind once in a while, Beav wouldn't have gotten killed in Nam.
June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: That's a rumor, Beaver's alive!
Roseanne Conner: Well he ain't working.

Roseanne Conner: In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.


"Roseanne: Home Is Where the Afghan Is (#9.10)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: You know what really just fries me? Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls you know... you you paint our fingernails, tell us to always cross our legs and act like little ladies... you're like "don't ever act too smart cause you might not get a man!" and now here you are sitting there, my right wing, conservative, Republican mother... is a great big old lezbo!
Leon Carp: [off Bev's reaction; raises glass] Welcome to the club, Bev!
Scott: [off Bev's reaction; also raises glass] We'll teach you the secret handshake

Beverly Harris: I would like to give thanks that I am not a young child being raised by two very tasteful but nonetheless light in the loafers...
Roseanne Conner: Mom! Mom! Look around you! Nobody's talking about that anymore!
Beverly Harris: I just don't think two men should raise a child. I married a man! He was cruel to my children and cheated on me, he had horrible table manners and he made me drive an old car with bald tires! The bastard!
Roseanne Conner: Mother! Try to save a little something for Christmas!

Roseanne Conner: Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?

Beverly Harris: I brought a Jell-O mold with kiwis.
Jackie Harris: Mother, we have caterers preparing the food this year.
Beverly Harris: Did any of them make a Jell-O mold?
Jackie Harris: No.
Beverly Harris: Then I guess somebody should say 'thank you mother'!
Roseanne Conner: Go ahead, Jimmy.
Caterer: [mocking Bev] Thank you mother!


"Roseanne: White Sheep of the Family (#8.13)" (1996)
Darlene: What's wrong with this family.
Roseanne: Your father and I are really brothers.

Darlene: I thought I could come in here and talk to you like a human being, do you think that's possible?
Roseanne: Arf!

Darlene: This college thing is hard for me too you know. I'm surrounded by these rich kids that don't have to bust their asses because their daddies can bail them out if they fail.
Roseanne: Well, your daddy can't bail you out, and my daddy couldn't bail me out, but that just makes us stronger.

Roseanne: No Conner has ever turned down a job, like why drowning people don't flip off the life guard.


"Roseanne: Death and Stuff (#1.21)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: [feeling for the man's pulse] I think he's dead.
Dan Conner: [steps back] Check again.
Roseanne Conner: I know how to count to zero.

D.J. Conner: Did the policeman shoot him?
Roseanne Conner: No honey, he just kind of ran down like when your toys need new batteries.

Gene the Police Officer: We have to wait for the coroner to officially pronounce him dead.
Roseanne Conner: I pronounced him dead half an hour ago.

Darlene Conner: [Darlene can't find her jeans] Well they didn't just get up and walk away.
Roseanne Conner: Well yours coulda...


"Roseanne: Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti (#9.8)" (1996)
Mark Healy: You change your clothes 8 times a day?
Astrid Wentworth: On average.
Jackie Harris: We don't have 8 changes of clothes total. What're we going to do?
Roseanne Conner: I watched that Martha Stewart, we'll be fine.

Roseanne Conner: Now you won't have to take all those pills.
Doris: I won't?
Roseanne Conner: No, women who yell don't need pills. Men invented pills to shut women up.

Roseanne Conner: Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.
Doris: I am...
Roseanne Conner: Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.
Doris: I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?
Roseanne Conner: Yes you do, Doris, because that's the most important word.
Doris: I'm not taking any crap from anyone.
Roseanne Conner: That was good but are you serving tea, Doris? get mad and say it.
Doris: [louder] I'm not taking any crap from anyone!
Roseanne Conner: Good, now personalize it, make it your own.
Doris: [louder] I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!

Roseanne Conner: Maybe if you'd yell you wouldn't have to drink all the time and start foreign wars.
Doris: We don't start wars, we just profit from them.
Grandmama Lily: Oh honey, we start them.


"Roseanne: Sisters (#7.16)" (1995)
Roseanne: [Becky and Darlene are sniping at one another] Okay, so that's enough. Now, we have a wonderful, loving family, and you two little bitches are not going to ruin it. You're gonna be loving, caring sisters, just like me and Jackie.
Darlene: Fine.
Darlene: [to Becky] I'll sleep with every guy in town and you can gain 400 pounds.

Roseanne: [Darlene and Becky pretend to get along] Knock it off you two, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie are more convincing.

Jackie Harris: You wanted to stand between us at the altar!
Roseanne: That was a joke!

Jackie Harris: You always put Dan first.
Roseanne: Oh I do not, I'm as bad as you are. I put me first too.


"Roseanne: Wait till Your Father Gets Home (#5.16)" (1993)
[first lines]
D.J.: I'm gonna be twelve! I don't want any more babysitters! Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay alone when they were my age!
Roseanne: Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.
D.J.: So when do boys get mature?
Roseanne: We'll let you know as soon as your Dad gets there.

Roseanne: [their father has just died] That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...
[slowly getting louder]
Jackie: I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!
Jackie: [hangs up] I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!

Bev Harris: I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it.
Roseanne: Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room.
Darlene: Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?

Roseanne: [on the phone with airline rep] Uh, yeah, I'm here. It's "Harris". "Al Harris", he's my dad. Look, I just got through telling this whole thing to somebody else. Well, all I wanna know is if his flight's coming in on time. No, not coach; try baggage.
Jackie: Ask 'em about his frequent flyer miles. He was a salesman. It would've been very important to him.
Roseanne: Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something?
[on the phone again]
Roseanne: Yeah, I'm here. Listen, this is gonna sound kind of weird and everything, but is he going to be coming down that conveyor belt with everybody's baggage?
[pause]
Roseanne: No, no, the mortuary picks him up. Oh, that's good 'cause I didn't think we could fit him in our truck.
[pause]
Roseanne: Well, I'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, I'm saving my best jokes for the funeral!


"Roseanne: Morning Becomes Obnoxious (#8.21)" (1996)
Joe Matthews: Roseanne, your appearance on the show this morning, it was - fantastic! I mean, your whole "opinionated, blue-collar outlook" people just loved it!
Roseanne: Oh! See Dan! All these years, everybody thought I was a "bitch", but what I *had* - was an "opinionated, blue-collar outlook".

Cindy Kenner: [chiperly] Hi, I'm Cindy.
Roseanne: [shakes her hand] Hi, I'm Roseanne.
Cindy Kenner: Say, could I possibly get a little bit of Pellegreno?
Roseanne: You could, if I knew what the hell that was.
Cindy Kenner: [chuckles with a condescending attitude] Sorry, I forgot where I was.
Roseanne: You were inbetween asking me for a drink, and getting punched in the face.

[Cindy Lenner's interview session with Leon in the diner]
Cindy Kenner: [recording] Today we've come to the litte town of Lanford, to ask some local resaurant people the question that's on everyone's lips this election year: 'Is beef back?'.
Roseanne: [on the sideline, to Jackie] Does she have to think up all these questions every single day? When does she find time to not eat?
Leon Carp: [looking terrified] Is beef back? Here at the Lunchbox, located on route 9, just half a mile south of Hanging-Back Caverns, we serve beef, to our customers... So beef is good... And - and remember: Le-on recommends le-en.
Cindy Kenner: [embarrassed, Leon covers his face and runs off-camera] Okay!

Cindy Kenner: [interview with Roseanne] Hi. Is beef back?
Roseanne: Well, I just want to say that the only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.
Cindy Kenner: Okay! But, um, doesn't a fatty diet, I mean, won't it make you fat?
Roseanne: So... A lot of people are fat, you know. In fact, I think more American women look like me than you, you know. Yeah, but when you watch TV, there's like no fat people on there or anything, like, when I watch that show "Friends", you know, that has all those whiny girls that are nothing but hair and bones, you know, and like, I watch them and they're like drinking those triple expressos and stuff and I'm just like "Hey! Go for the muffins!"
Roseanne: [Cindy tries to pull the microphone away from Roseanne] It kinda bugs me, you know, because uh, you know, I feel like, hey, I - I eat the same amount of food that they eat, I just don't puke when I'm done.


"Roseanne: Santa Claus (#4.12)" (1991)
Sammy Miller: [after Rosanne, dressed as Santa asks what he wants for Christmas] A BB Gun!
Roseanne: [sees Sammy's mother, Karen, shaking her head no] Oh, sorry, Santa's fresh outta guns this year.
Sammy Miller: Aww come on, Santa. See, I don't have a dad, and I need a gun to protect the house.
Karen Miller: You do too have a dad, geez!
Roseanne: Oh, you fibbed to Santa! You're getting clothes.
Sammy Miller: Mom!
Karen Miller: Well, Santa, he has been pretty good this year, so I think... a sled would be OK.
Roseanne: [to Sammy] Well, ok but listen, I know when you're asleep and I know when you're awake, see? You step out of line one more time, you're going to wake up Christmas Morning knee deep in sweaters!

Child: [Roseanne is dressed as Santa] Remember this?
[indicating the teddy bear he brought with him]
Roseanne: Well now, Jason, Santa sees an awful lot of teddy bears.
Child: You gave it to me last year.
Roseanne: Well that's because you were such a good boy!
Child: I hate it! I wrote you a later asking for a truck.
Roseanne: Hmmm. Mrs. Claus, come here a minute, please.
Jackie: [dressed as Mrs. Claus] Yes, Santa.
Roseanne: There seems to be some mix up. I never got Jason's letter. Now I want you to get on the phone and find the elf responsible for this, and fire him immediately! He's gone! He's history!
Jackie: Right away, Santa!
Roseanne: Happy now, Jason?
[Jason nods]

Roseanne: [to a grumpy-looking kid] That's okay. Santa doesn't believe in you either.

Roseanne: [finding out the Santa job pays $10 an hour and Mrs. Claus pays $7.50] Why did we burn our bras in the 60's? Why did we march on Washington? Why did Mary Tyler Moore just take her hat and throw it up in the air? For $2.50 less than Santa?


"Roseanne: Playing with Matches (#5.21)" (1993)
Bev Harris: [the girls are curious if their Mom is seeing Jake, from her retirement community] Please, girls, I'm not in the market. I spent forty years taking care of your father, and I'm not going to do that again.
Roseanne Conner: Well relax, in forty years, all that guy's gonna need is just an occasional mowing.

Roseanne Conner: And, Ma, I forgot to tell you, um. Dan wanted you to, um, come bowling with us tonight.
Bev Harris: I'd love to. I'm sure I've still got one of your father's balls around somewhere.
Jake: Alimony wasn't enough?

Dan Conner: David, you better tell us what you're fighting about.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, 'cause it's no fun 'til we can take sides.

Roseanne Conner: [after hearing what David did to make Darlene mad] Oh, David, I'm so sorry that your last meal's going to be meatloaf.


"Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood (#8.3)" (1995)
[first lines]
David Healy: Mrs. Conner, have you seen this book? This is everything you need to know about your baby.
Roseanne: I don't need a book, I watch Kathy Lee. All I want is a book that'll teach my kid to kick her Cody's *ass*.

[Roseanne and Jackie break into the competing diner. Roseanne tries to plant a dead fish in the exhaust hood over the stove and gets stuck]
Jackie Harris: How! How did you get stuck!
Roseanne: By my boobs! They folded down on the way up, then they locked - like those toggle bolts!

Jackie Harris: [panicing] I will - I'll get you out! I *will* get you out! Just - I - I know! I - I'll turn on the stove, and then the metal in the vent will expand.
Roseanne: [hysterically] I'm standing on the stove! It's amazing to have your head stuck in a vent, and still not be the *stupidest* person in the room!

Roseanne: [a new diner has opened up across the street and it has a salad bar] A salad bar! Huh. Well obviously they're not from around here. This is - this is a loose meat kind-of-a town. We are not some California tofu-eating, nordic-tracking freaks that wanna live past 50!


"Roseanne: Like, a New Job (#3.4)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: [on the phone] Yeah! I'd love to... Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call... You wanna buy me dinner?... Oh, gee, what's in it for you?... Oh sure I put out, everybody knows that!
Roseanne Conner: Darlene, what are you doing?
Darlene Conner: Oh, don't worry Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne Conner: [about leaving her job at the hair salon, and starting one in a restaurant] Well the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair, only now it's in the food.

Becky Conner: [just learned that Roseanne's new job is in the mall where Becky hangs out with her friends] My *mother* is going to be there!
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, it's a kick in the head, ain't it.
Becky Conner: [shouts] You've ruined my life!
Roseanne Conner: Well, you don't think I took the job for the money, do ya?

Roseanne Conner: [in Rodbell's] Just go have a seat, I'll be right with ya.
Becky Conner: All right. But do me a favor, and don't come over and act like you're my mother or something, okay?
Roseanne Conner: So, what... then like, breast-feeding you is out?
[leaving Becky looking mortified]


"Roseanne: Party Politics (#6.3)" (1993)
Roseanne: Oh, isn't that cute. D.J. just closed his first drug deal.

David: [referring to Darlene] What's she doing here?
Darlene: [to Roseanne] You said David wasn't going to be around.
Roseanne: Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy. I know how much you, ah, hate him.

Roseanne: You guys are in so much trouble, I'm going to make you wish I was never born!

Jackie Harris: What ever happened to the old-fashioned guys who slept with you once, and never bothered to call again?
Roseanne: You've been through 'em all.


"Roseanne: Two Down, One to Go (#6.1)" (1993)
Roseanne: All human beings connect sex and love... except for men.

Darlene: Uh, Mom, can I talk to you a minute? I need to ask you a really big favor.
Roseanne: Well let's see... I let you go to art school, and I let your boyfriend move in, oh yeah, and I gave you... life. Yeah, I guess I owe you one.

Dan Conner: [about Darlene's ride to college] You already told her David could take her.
Roseanne: Yeah, I know... but so what! You could *forbid* me to do that.
Dan Conner: [astonished] In what universe?

Roseanne: Please, Dan, please forbid me! I thought you were supposed to be the man of this house!
Dan Conner: *No you did not*!


"Roseanne: No Talking (#2.12)" (1989)
Becky: Is this supposed to be dinner?
Roseanne: No, this is the cocktail hour before dinner!

Dan: [about Becky fighting with Roseanne] This is between you and Becky. Bringing me into it, is just going to make it seem like I'm on your side... which, which I am.
Roseanne: No you're not. You're neutral as usual! Dan "Switzerland" Conner! You just don't want to get involved because she still thinks you're "Mr. Perfect"!

D.J.: [Roseanne isn't talking to Dan, Becky isn't talking to Roseanne] Mom, what's going on?
Roseanne: We're playing a game.
D.J.: Can I play?
Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.

Roseanne: [as Becky still goes silent on her] I was in here doing some cleaning today, and, uh, I came across your diary. Well, diaries.
[Becky slowly turns to her in shock]
Roseanne: I didn't read it, though. I almost did, but then I thought, I don't want to violate my kids' privacy the way my mom violated mine. So, I put it back under the mattress.
Becky: [finally speaks to her, half-sarcastic] So, what do want, a prize?
Roseanne: [satisfied] Thanks, you just gave me one.


"Roseanne: White Men Can't Kiss (#7.9)" (1994)
Roseanne: [to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us, and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!

Roseanne: You're kissing that girl, you're doing the play, and that's all there is to it!
D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you!
Roseanne: [pause] Are you *new*?

Dan Conner: He was raised in Lanford, it's 5% blacks, and kissing's a new thing for him. It's only natural that D.J. wouldn't be as comfortable kissing a black girl as one of his own, I did not say that!
Roseanne: Well at least now I know where he gets it from.
Dan Conner: I am not a bigot.
Roseanne: Yeah and neither's your father, he says he doesn't have any problem with the coloreds.
Dan Conner: I am not my father.
Roseanne: If I had known you'd be passing your family's crap onto my kids I wouldn't be having another one with you.

Dan Conner: Is it because she's black?
D.J.: You'll be mad if I say yes.
Dan Conner: No we won't.
Roseanne: Yes we will!


"Roseanne: Body by Jake (#6.23)" (1994)
Jake: And the names they were calling her at the center.
Roseanne Conner: What kind of names?
Jake: Craftmatic Adjustable Bev.

Roseanne Conner: It's been over an hour, where are they?
Dan Conner: Maybe they're celebrating.
Roseanne Conner: They just had a baby. They're not medically allowed to celebrate.

Roseanne Conner: Oh so the world found out you had sex, it's not like you were in an accident wearing dirty old underwear.

Beverly Harris: I think my problem is I never found out what it is I like. Maybe it would help if you told me what you liked.
Roseanne Conner: Uh... okay... I like it when Dan rubs my shoulders, just like you.


"Roseanne: The Driver's Seat (#6.11)" (1993)
Dan Conner: [about the dishes] Hey. Sorry those weren't done.
Roseanne Conner: That's okay, Dan. I know there wasn't time to do the dishes *and* fall asleep in a puddle of drool.

Roseanne Conner: [about Leon at the diner] You know, he thinks he's so nifty because he turned Jackie and Nancy against me. You know, well, I broke 'em; anyone can ride 'em.

[after Roseanne spanks DJ]
Dan Conner: Look, Roseanne, what you just did in there, it's not that big a deal.
Jackie Harris: Yes, it is. You're not helping, Dan. Look, I know what you feel like. You have gotta talk about this.
Dan Conner: Hey, she doesn't need you making something out of nothing.
Jackie Harris: You didn't grow up in our house.
Dan Conner: This is different! The kid had it coming. He could've killed himself!
Jackie Harris: She was out of control. It was just like Dad!
Roseanne Conner: Why don't you both just SHUT UP and leave me alone!


"Roseanne: Less Is More (#4.16)" (1992)
[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]
Roseanne: What sick Nazi man thought this up?

Roseanne: [about getting a breast reduction] Hey, Darlene, once you went on solid foods, they ceased to be any concern of yours.

Roseanne: [sitting on her hospital bed] Dan, we've got a private room.
Dan: Good deal!
Roseanne: Want to fool around?
Dan: [looking shocked] In the *hospital?*
Roseanne: [while operating the bed controls, making it go up and down] Yea look it, the bed goes up and down, you wouldn't have to do nothing.
[smiles flirtingly]


"Roseanne: Past Imperfect (#6.20)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [at Jackie's, Fred and Jackie are arguing, Roseanne is there, and the baby starts crying] Aw, baby, what's the matter?
Roseanne Conner: What do you mean, "what's the matter"? Can't you imagine how scary this is to him? Where - the big, fuzzy thing is yelling at the milk machine?

Roseanne Conner: What're you thinking, Jackie, you think a guy wants to find out that his girlfriend slept with 20 times more people than he did?

Jackie Harris: [to Fred, cynically] I slept with 60 men, most of them separately.
Roseanne Conner: [coming in] I can vouch for that, I was there that night selling tickets.


"Roseanne: The Back Story (#4.15)" (1992)
Becky: [Jackie asks about Becky's job to change the dinner conversation subject] Oh. Um, well they moved me up to the express line.
Jackie Harris: [cheerfully] Really? Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Becky: Yeah, right. All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.
Becky: [Roseanne laughs louldly from another room] Mother!
Roseanne: Well, it was funny, Becky.

Roseanne: I was screaming so loud DJ could hear me from next door. About an hour later, he came home to see what was wrong.

All: [singing] Happy birthday to you
[DJ takes off]
All: ...
Roseanne: [in the bedroom] What happened? Did you forget the rest of the words?


"Roseanne: Lovers' Lane (#1.6)" (1988)
Roseanne Conner: Oh, come on, I love bowling! It's the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour.

Dan Conner: Five bucks a piece for them little beggers. That's a lot of money.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, but you know, look at it this way: for five bucks, they're out of our hair all night.
Dan Conner: Well hell, let's give them each a hundred, maybe they'll move to Cleveland.

Dan Conner: Oh come on Rosie, you know girls always go for guys who remind them of their Fathers.
Roseanne Conner: Not if they listen to their Mothers.


"Roseanne: Deliverance (#4.22)" (1992)
Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
Dan: Well apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: Well, yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: You know, I suggested that, but she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: You're kidding!
Dan: Then she started cryin'... and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan: [in the kitchen at dinner time] Where's Darlene?
Roseanne: Oh, well, her and David had a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
Dan: What's he doing here?
Roseanne: Well, I'd already invited him, and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped the coin until he won.

Roseanne: [Jackie hangs up the phone after talking with Bonnie] What did she say?
Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it, because you're an idiot!
Roseanne: She called me an idiot?


"Roseanne: Shower the People You Love with Stuff (#8.1)" (1995)
[Lecy Goranson reprises her role as Becky after an extended absence from the show lasting over two years]
Roseanne Conner: [to Becky, who enters the room carrying a drop-cloth she was sent to find] Where in the *hell* have you been?
Becky Conner-Healy: [referring to the drop-cloth] Don't yell at me, Mother. I was getting this.
Roseanne Conner: Well it took you long enough! Seems like you've been gone for three years!

Roseanne Conner: [taken aback by the current prices of baby cribs; Jackie reads off the model names of the cribs] Well find me one called the "I Need a Cheap Replacement, 'Cause My Sister Stole Mine".
Jackie Harris: Maybe, that would be next to the one called "The Indian Giver".

Jackie Harris: [doesn't recognize several elderly women at the baby shower] Who are these women, and why are they here?
Roseanne Conner: Well, they're Mom's friends, and the great thing is that most of them are senile, so we can hit 'em up for presents twice.


"Roseanne: A Stash from the Past (#6.4)" (1993)
Dan Conner: I put it away twenty years ago when we quit.
Roseanne Conner: We quit? I just thought we were out.

D.J. Conner: Mom, can Billy sleep over here tonight?
Roseanne Conner: No! He's rude, and I don't like his parents.
D.J. Conner: Well then, can I sleep over there?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, sure.

D.J. Conner: I forgot my sleeping bag! Where is it?
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you know it's behind the house, past the yard in that building where your father always is with the tools and the car!
D.J. Conner: Thanks, Mom!
Roseanne Conner: Oh my God. I'm, like, the worst mother on the face of the Earth.
Dan Conner: No, you're not.
Roseanne Conner: Yes I am, Dan. I don't even know where I sent my kid. Say he falls down or something and breaks one of his organs and he needs a transplant, but I can't give him any of my organs because they're all full of pot!


"Roseanne: Canoga Time (#1.11)" (1989)
Booker Brooks: [trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother.
[Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers]
Booker Brooks: I was!
Roseanne: Jeeze, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

Jackie Harris: [Examining a rock concert t-shirt] I don't remember getting this.
Roseanne: I think you got that the same night you got that hissing viper tattoo.
D.J. Conner: You have a tattoo? Can I see?
Roseanne: You're too young.
Dan Conner: Oooh, can I see?
Roseanne: You're too eager.

Dan Conner: That's my Canoga Beer Cuckoo clock.
Roseanne: You mean the one where the drunk bear comes out every hour and burps?
Dan Conner: That's the Canoga Bear. And he doesn't burp, he growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Dan, he pops out of there with his beer mug. The belching bear goes!


"Roseanne: Friends and Relatives (#3.2)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [Becky has complained that DJ walked in on her] Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember... I can tell when you're lying
D.J. Conner: It was an accident... could you tell?

Arnie Thomas: I could go for something to eat
Roseanne Conner: Yeah? Well, then go
[she motions toward the front door]

D.J. Conner: [Darlene catches D.J. peeking at her] She called me a prevert.
Roseanne Conner: No honey, you're not a prevert, you're a pervert.


"Roseanne: PMS, I Love You (#3.8)" (1990)
Crystal Anderson: [about Dan's surprise party] How you gonna get Don down there, Roseanne?
Roseanne Conner: Oh I'm just gonna to tell him, "Hey, the Lodge is having another all-you-can-eat night, and you gotta be there to defend your crown!".

Becky Conner: Mom, you're ironing the towels?
Roseanne Conner: Well, I can't wait around for you to do it, can I?

Roseanne Conner: [to a stripper] You know, you are the reason why there will never be a woman President!


"Roseanne: Guilt by Disassociation (#2.3)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: Phil, he works over there at, ah, Garvin Meat Packing plant, and he got me an interview for a job tomorrow.
Dan Conner: Yeah? What do you know about packin' meat?
Roseanne Conner: Well, I've been living with a rump-roast for 15 years.

Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] Oh, they're not gonna hire me. They're gonna hire some chickie with a tight skirt, and a loose everything-else.

Roseanne: [offering to the family] Hey, I got one more pancake.
D.J.: I want French toast!
Roseanne: Well, you better move to Europe.


"Roseanne: Say It Ain't So (#9.13)" (1997)
Roseanne Conner: Like I'm supposed to just look the other way when they catch you in a hotel room with a call girl? I don't have the blindness that only money can buy, Dan, I'm not Rose Kennedy. I'm working class. There's right and there's wrong. There's black AND there's white, and no amount of money can make me see gray.

Roseanne Conner: [Jackie asks how the white sale went] No irregulars, for the first time my sheets are shaped like a bed!

Dan Conner: I met somebody in California.
Roseanne Conner: Well obviously it's not met as in JUST met otherwise you wouldn't have taken this long to say anything.


"Roseanne: Dream Lover (#3.10)" (1990)
Roseanne: [about D.J.] You know, of all the people in the world to have as a role-model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Roseanne: [Dan sneaks in late after being at the Lobo Lounge; Roseanne checks out his jacket for evidence of another woman] Ah-ha! a hair that isn't his!... Oh, it's mine.

Jackie: [about Dan and Roseanne's sex life] You're kidding? You guys have a *night*?
Roseanne: Yes, we have a *night*. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
Jackie: You have a time too?
Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.


"Roseanne: Call Waiting (#9.1)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: My marriage is not based on me *listening*!

Dan Conner: I'm just dying to kiss you.
Roseanne Conner: You think your heart can take it?
Dan Conner: Well if not, it'll be a hell of a way to go.

Dan Conner: I'm going to start taking better care of myself.
Roseanne Conner: Good, because I'm really gonna yell at you if you don't.
Dan Conner: Are you really gonna yell at me... from here, or from Jackie's?
Roseanne Conner: Well... it's more fun here.


"Roseanne: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (#1.3)" (1988)
Jackie Harris: [while reading a newspaper] Roseanne, listen to this. "Utah Housewife Stabs Husband 37 Times".
Roseanne Conner: I admire her restraint.

Roseanne Conner: [teasing about who would get the kids, if they divorced] I'd give them to Jackie.
Dan Conner: Hell, even I don't hate her *that* much.

Becky Conner: Cindy Clark's mother let *her* babysit when she was nine.
Roseanne Conner: Well, Cindy Clark's mom is a drunken slut.
[later]
Becky Conner: Dad, Cindy Clark's mom pays her $2.00 an hour to babysit.
Roseanne Conner: Well, Cindy Clark's mom is a rich, drunken slut.


"Roseanne: The Mommy's Curse (#6.2)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [talking about getting their Mom out of the restaurant] Alright. Okay, neither of us is going to do it, so we're stuck with her.
Roseanne Conner: What we need is a glass of chardonnay on a great big ol' rat trap.

Bev Harris: Do I smell my favorite yankee potroast? What's the occasion?
Roseanne Conner: No occasion. Dan hit a Yankee on the way home.

Dan: Hey Roseanne. I saw all the animals in the neighborhood running in circles, I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Roseanne: Help me hold the knife steady, Dan, I keep missing my wrist.


"Roseanne: The Monday Thru Friday Show (#1.12)" (1989)
Roseanne: What are you smiling at, hot stuff?
Dan: Well, wait a minute. What's this in my pocket? It could be. It might be. It is. Holy cow, it's a honeymoon! Why, yes, it's paradise.
Jackie: Ohh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Jackie: You know what my idea of the perfect marriage would be?
Roseanne: Mel Gibson and a stick of butter.

Roseanne: Hey Darlene, you're late.
Darlene Conner: I know, I got hung up at school.
Roseanne: Well two people already's been calling lookin' for their newspapers,
Darlene Conner: [slams down her books] Damn!
Roseanne: Well, there's no need to cuss for hell's sake!


"Roseanne: First Cousin, Twice Removed (#5.17)" (1993)
Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.
Roseanne: Yeah, an ass... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from Illinois!

Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a bitch!
Ronnie: [gasps] I'm a bitch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all bitches.

Ronnie: Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
Roseanne: [pause] Good one.


"Roseanne: A Second Chance (#9.18)" (1997)
Roseanne Conner: The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.

Roseanne Conner: What happens if this drug doesn't work?
Doctor: We'll just have to wait.
Roseanne Conner: No, don't give me that crap. I want to know.
Doctor: Mrs. Connor, this IS the drug of last resort, if THIS doesn't work, Darlene will have to have the baby.

Dan Conner: [standing on the front porch in the cold] We should put a porch swing up here.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, this might be a good conversation to have in say, July.


"Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom (#9.22)" (1997)
Roseanne: [Dan's mom is back from the mental hospital and is trying to kill Dan for putting her there. Roseanne is wrestling her on the ground] Audrey, what happened to you out there in California? Did you have one too many frozen mocha frappachinos?

Roseanne: The doctor said she was fine.
Dan Conner: No, he said she *was* fine as long as she keeps taking her medication, maybe she stopped.

Dan Conner: Somebody closed the garage door.
Roseanne: Like... the wind?
Dan Conner: Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.


"Roseanne: Another Mouth to Shut Up (#8.20)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?

David Healy: I'm ok, I guess... It's kind of interesting having all your life's major changes happen all in one day.
Roseanne: Yeah, I think I can pretty much relate to that... I remember this- one Tuesday they cancelled Cardsharks, and, uhm, they introduced the chocolate chip cookie dough icecream the very same day. Wow!

Darlene: With summer school I'll still graduate on time, and the baby will be covered by David's medical insurance and I just put in for a copyright job I can do part time from home.
Roseanne Conner: Well... it sounds like you're way more prepared than I ever was.


"Roseanne: It Was Twenty Years Ago Today (#5.20)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [about Roseanne's wedding anniversary gift] Still looking. I wanted to be sure I get you something you've always wanted.
Roseanne Conner: [gasps] Can you get me into the Witness Relocation Program?

Jackie Harris: What've you got planned for the big event?
Roseanne Conner: Aww, it's gonna be sooo great. We're going all out this time, you know. Ah, we'll start with a really romantic, prime rib dinner, and everything, because, you know, the twentieth wedding anniversary *is* the red meat and liquor anniversary.

Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne can't find her wedding ring] I'm gonna go look in the living room again, and if I don't find it in there, I'm getting D.J. x-rayed.
Roseanne Conner: [Jackie suggests checking the vacuum bag] The vacuum bag? How in the hell would it get into the vacuum bag!


"Roseanne: Homeward Bound (#6.7)" (1993)
Roseanne: Well, we ought to be able to handle this okay. I mean, ya know, it's just masturbation.

Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.
Dan Conner: Aw, God!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.
Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Roseanne: I have no idea how to communicate, ah, with a kid that doesn't yell back.


"Roseanne: I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep (#6.22)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [to D.J.] Where have you been going everyday after school? And remember, God will punish if you lie!
Dan Conner: Roseanne...
Roseanne Conner: Hey we got it, we may as well use it.

D.J. Conner: [confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne Conner: Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.
D.J. Conner: Okay. What religion are we?
Roseanne Conner: I have no idea. Dan?
Dan Conner: Well... my family's Pentecostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.
D.J. Conner: So what do we believe?
Roseanne Conner: Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but we're not practicing.


"Roseanne: Homecoming (#6.9)" (1993)
Becky: Why are you gettin' so mad at me?
Roseanne: Because you are making *me* defend *Mark*.

Roseanne: [to Becky on the first episode featuring Sarah Chalke in the role] Watch it, young lady. You can be replaced.


"Roseanne: Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute (#7.25)" (1995)
David Healy: [holding a piece of paper] I, uh... I got this thing at school today.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, man, I hate things from school. The last thing was a note from the principal. It said D.J. was selling my bras.

Roseanne Conner: You've got to give a guy his dreams, then he won't notice that you control his reality.


"Roseanne: Lies (#4.21)" (1992)
Mr. Evans: [asking Roseanne about Leon, during a lie-detector test for Rodbells] Have you seen him exhibit any unusual behavior?
Roseanne: Oh. I know what this is all about. You're trying to scrounge up some dirt on Leon just because he's gay! Well, I ought to call the ACLU, because this is totally un-American. And I'm not going to give you any help on your little witch-hunt, no crappy job is worth that!
[pause]
Roseanne: You did know he was gay, didn't ya?
Mr. Evans: No.

Dan Conner: I can't believe you're jealous over this.
Roseanne: Why not? It's very typical of me.


"Roseanne: Brain-Dead Poets Society (#2.10)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: [about reading her poem aloud on Culture Night at her school] Mom, you can't make me go! And if you try and make me read my poem in front of the geekoid masses, you'll have to throw a net around me and drag me out of the house like a dead seal!
[Roseanne walks away]
Darlene Conner: Where are you going?
Roseanne Conner: To get the net.

Darlene Conner: [not wanting to write a poem for English]
[shouts]
Darlene Conner: I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high-school, so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job, and get out of this hell-hole town!
Roseanne Conner: But if you could be expressive, what would you say?


"Roseanne: Mommy Nearest (#5.4)" (1992)
Roseanne: [Roseanne's Mom is moving nearby] Dan, she needs to be near her family now!
Dan: No she doesn't! She may thinks she does right now, but after a few months and I have to kill her, she'll realize how wrong she was!

Roseanne: [to Dan] Give me that check, you are drooling the zeros off of it.


"Roseanne: Labor Day (#6.19)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: The only women that give birth real fast, are like those big, fat Iowa women that don't even know they're pregnant in the first place.

Jackie Harris: Roseanne, how is this gonna come out of *this*?
Roseanne Conner: Relax, Jackie. These have been coming out of *those* for millions and millions of years, you know? Muscles stretch. Bones break.


"Roseanne: Radio Days (#1.5)" (1988)
Roseanne Conner: [about a song-writing contest Dan entered] Yes, we're gonna win that contest. Then we're gonna snag a great big ol' recording contract, then we're gonna pack up the kids and move to Nashville... And then me and Dan are going to buy these great big ol' platinum blond wigs, you know, and then I'm gonna change all the kids' middle names to "Bob", you know like, "Becky Bob", "Darlene Bob", "D.J. Bob".

Roseanne Conner: [to her boss, Booker] Oh, I just killed a big ol' cockroach over here, you better take him off the payroll.


"Roseanne: The Blaming of the Shrew (#7.22)" (1995)
[after D.J.'s pushy girlfriend leaves]
Jackie: [laughs] What was *that*?
Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!

Roseanne: [to D.J] Son, I am going to punish you so hard that they're gonna throw a benefit concert for you.


"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 2 (#9.24)" (1997)
Roseanne Conner: A lot of times, "nerds" are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drummer.

Roseanne Conner: [closing monologue] Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I've found it's all around you. Take Leon for instance... Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He's the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk's Club... Then there's Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn't get too creative there... A lot of kids have called my son a nerd but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum... My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish mom hadn't either. I wish she had made different choices. So I think that's why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman... Oh yeah, and she's nuts... My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She's been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her. I guess Nancy's kind of my hero too... Cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don't know what happened to that husband of hers but in my book I sent him into outer space... When Becky brought David home a few years ago I thought, "This is wrong!" He was much more Darlene's type... When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky... I guess I was wrong. But I still think they'd be more compatible the other way around. So in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it... I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him... Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own. And we did. We didn't hit our children as we were hit, we didn't demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider's standards or another's. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one's who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing's really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything's solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Segal wanting to fight the whole world. For a while I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn't even get out of bed till I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man. But then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason. And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn't like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don't work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.


"Roseanne: The Parenting Trap (#7.12)" (1994)
[last lines]
Roseanne Conner: [a behind the scene look; on the kitchen set, about the episode's subject matter] Oh come on, Neil, give us a break. It's just a normal, everyday, biological function. We have to call it something.
ABC Censor: [title card, Neil Conrad, Network Censor] I'm sorry, Roseanne. None of these expressions are acceptable on network television.
Roseanne Conner: [reading from a list] Okay. Well what about, "pitching a trouser tent"?
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: "Bootin' up the hard drive"?
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: "Charming the anaconda"?
ABC Censor: "What" the anaconda?
Roseanne Conner: "Charming".
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: Ah, "raising the drawbridge"?
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: "Popping a wheelie"?
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: "Standing up for democracy"?
ABC Censor: No!
Roseanne Conner: "Waving to your chin"?
ABC Censor: No. There's *absolutely*, *positively*, no *way* any of these are going to get on the air!
Roseanne Conner: Too late.
ABC Censor: [Roseanne grins mischievously, he turns to the camera operator behind him] Was that on?
[camera bobs up and down]
ABC Censor: Ah sh*beep*!

Jackie Harris: [after meeting David's new girlfriend] You're the one who pushed David to start dating again in the first place. You can't go slamming his first attempt.
Roseanne Conner: I'm not gonna slam her. I'm just gonna let Darlene sniff at her for a while, then I'll let go of the leash.


"Roseanne: Isn't It Romantic? (#6.24)" (1994)
Roseanne: Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Dan Conner: Prepare yourself for a treat... let the romance begin.
Roseanne: [Dan hands her a videotape] "Romancing the Bone"?
Dan Conner: Yeah, I figured we could pop it in for a few minutes, watch it, and then, you know...
Roseanne: Then what? Barf?
Dan Conner: I did something wrong, didn't I?
Roseanne: No, Dan, you just did everything wrong. This is nothing but disgusting, pornographic filth.
Dan Conner: It's got "romance" in the title.
Roseanne: It's just some sicko male fantasy that only appeals to other sicko males.
Dan Conner: It can't be just for men. It's got scenes with only women.


"Roseanne: The Little Sister (#2.2)" (1989)
Dan Conner: [about to sit down to breakfast] Hey, we missing an offspring?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, where do you think I got the bacon.

Jackie Harris: [hungover] Ya act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.
Roseanne Conner: [clearing the breakfast table] Yeah, and *you* go right for your addictive behavior. Huh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on "Oprah"; People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.
[starts nibbling another pancake]
Jackie Harris: Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses, shouldn't *eat* stones.


"Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey (#5.23)" (1993)
Dan: Ah man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.

Roseanne Conner: D.J., where'd you get those jelly beans?
D.J.: From the bin at store.
Roseanne Conner: D.J., I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's *stealing*!


"Roseanne: Happy Birthday (#2.24)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [Dan and the kids take her down to the basement for her birthday present] Uh... my own private dungeon!

Jackie Harris: I'll be back later to give you your present.
Roseanne Conner: Why can't I just open it now?
Jackie Harris: I haven't bought it yet.


"Roseanne: Here's to Good Friends (#1.8)" (1988)
Crystal Anderson: Roseanne, you got something for a headache?
Roseanne: Yeah, three screaming kids.

Darlene Conner: And the forecast is for snow!
Roseanne: Did you do your homework?
Darlene Conner: Snow!
Roseanne: Do your homework.


"Roseanne: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (#4.1)" (1991)
Roseanne: [Dan is embarrassed when he walks in on Crystal nursing her baby] Oh, now, Dan. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.
Dan: Crystal's my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?

Roseanne: [at the bike shop] Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control.
Roseanne: [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.


"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1991 (#4.10)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: How much has she had to drink?
Dan Conner: Five fingers of bourbon and a very generous thumb.

Roseanne Conner: I made you a plate...
Darlene Conner: I'm not really hungry.
Roseanne Conner: Well good because I ate it an hour ago.
Darlene Conner: So... still not smoking?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah, I ate your pie too.


"Roseanne: Snoop Davey Dave (#7.3)" (1994)
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne find out that Darlene has used drugs] Darlene, your Mother and I are going to have to think long and hard about what to do about this.
Roseanne: You are *not* going back to school!
Darlene: What!
Roseanne: That's it! End of discussion!
Dan: Well, we thought about it, and we've decided you're not going back to school.

Roseanne: [to Darlene, about drug use] I hope you weren't doing it ta - for some reason to, ah, rebel against me and your Dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.
Darlene: Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.


"Roseanne: Nine Is Enough (#7.1)" (1994)
Dan: [about kicking Becky and Mark out] It's time that they moved out on their own. They'll never leave unless we push them. Now you know I'm right.
Roseanne: Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle.
Dan: Fair enough - we won't visit 'em.

Mark: Hey, I'm sorry about making you sick, Mrs. Conner.
Roseanne: Oh, that's not your fault, Mark. Becky never should'a married ya.


"Roseanne: Confessions (#3.12)" (1990)
Roseanne: Do you think that I, ahhhhhh, expect more out of Becky, than I do out of you?
Darlene: I don't know. I mean, it's like you expect 'Becky' things out of Becky. Like good grades.
Roseanne: Well, you know, I expect good grades out of you too, I just never get 'em.

Beverly Harris: Tell me, Roseanne, how many women can look that good without a drop of makeup? And your hair's adorable!
Jackie: Thanks, Mom.
Beverly Harris: You know, I'm almost glad your father didn't make it. This gives us girls a chance to have some fun.
Jackie: This is Mom, isn't it?
Roseanne: I'm not sure. Hold on, let me check that birthmark behind her neck. 6-6-5. Close enough.


"Roseanne: Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#3.15)" (1991)
Dan Conner: [Roseanne and Jackie are standing outside the front door and overhear Dan and Becky shouting at each other. Dan storms out the front door, putting on his coat] This whole marriage, family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.
Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] Damn, I lose more husbands that way.

Roseanne Conner: [at the dinner table] So Becky, somethin' wrong with your food?
Becky Conner: Oh, you mean you hid some *food* under all this *slop*?
Roseanne Conner: Hey, I stuck that in the microwave, pressed power, pressed time, pressed start, and this is the *thanks* I get?
Becky Conner: Uck, God, nobody could eat this crud.
Dan Conner: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not going to get any crap for dessert.


"Roseanne: Mothers and Other Strangers (#9.11)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: [to Jerry] New York is funny, huh? King Kong didn't fall, he actually jumped.

Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne's worried Dan won't like the way she's changed or the way she's redecorated the house when he gets home] What if...
Jackie Harris: Just stop with what if. 'What if?' 'What if?' What if cars ran on spit?


"Roseanne: Girl Talk (#7.4)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [Jackie mentions Fred overlooks vital areas in bed] You mean... he'll get in the elevator but he won't go down?
Leon Carp: Well if I wasn't gay before, I certainly would be now.
Roseanne Conner: Well if you wasn't gay before, a hell of a lot of guys owe you a big apology.

Dan Conner: It's going to take years of us guys not talking to each other to get back to where we were.
Roseanne Conner: Well why don't you all cut your tongues out? We know Fred's not using his.


"Roseanne: The Wedding (#8.23)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: [putting flowers in Darlene's hair] Just enough to make you smell good but not enough to attract the bees.

Roseanne Conner: You know, Darlene, there are going to be times when you're sitting across from David wondering 'why the hell did I marry this man?', and then it'll snow and he'll put chains on your tires, and then you'll remember why.
Darlene Conner-Healy: [laughs] No, David's not allowed anywhere near my car.
Roseanne Conner: Already talking like a wife, I'm proud of you.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Yeah, and soon I'm gonna start sounding like a mom.
[mockingly]
Darlene Conner-Healy: 'Eating salads, just sitting around with the girls talking about sore nipples and waiting for the Prozac to kick in'.


"Roseanne: Scenes from a Barbecue (#3.24)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: [holding three bags of groceries] Well, okay, I didn't park in the driveway just like you told me, cleaned the entire house, went shopping for all the barbeque items. I wonder if there's anything else I can do while I'm queen for a damn day.

Nana Mary: [on hold for a phone-in radio talk show] This Ted from Toledo thinks it's mean to kill cows.
Roseanne Conner: What does he want us to do, eat them alive?


"Roseanne: Out of the Past (#8.15)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: [to Leon] Stick and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not a part of my sex-life.

Scott: [about Leon] He never wants to do anything but lie around the house. I don't know how he can call himself gay!
Roseanne Conner: So, what, he just came out of the closet and headed straight for the couch?


"Roseanne: Vegas, Vegas (#4.8)" (1991)
Roseanne: [walking into the impersonation hall noticing the real Wayne Newton onstage, whom she thinks is an impersonator, not sporting a mustache] This guy doesn't even have a mustache! How did he get out of Wayne Newton impersonator school without a mustache?
Wayne Newton: [stops singing] Hold it, fellas, hold it. Ma'am, I'm sorry if my singing is interrupting your conversation.
Roseanne: Well, not as sorry as I am!
Wayne Newton: Ma'am, I'm going to ask you politely to please take your seat. I'm entertaining!
Roseanne: Oh, somebody has filled your head with LIES!
Dan Conner: Honey, it really IS Wayne Newton!
Roseanne: Yeah right, and I'm Lola Falana, Dan!
Wayne Newton: Well, it's nice to meet you, Miss Falana. My name is Wayne Newton.
Roseanne: No, MY name is Wayne Newton!
Nancy 'Lynn' Bartlett: No, my name is Wayne Newton!
Dan Conner: [humiliated] Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Wayne Newton: Ladies, I'm glad you're having such a good time, because that's what we're all here for, so why don't you sit back, relax and enjoy the song?
Roseanne: Why, are you going to get somebody else to sing it?

Roseanne: Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!


"Roseanne: Fathers and Daughters (#2.23)" (1990)
Roseanne: [nearly hysterical, talking about their Father] Now, how do you think I feel, Jackie? He calls you *every* Sunday! How do you think that makes me feel? How does it make you feel, when - when - when Mom calls *me* all the time, and she never calls *you*?
Jackie: Lucky! Honored! Off the hook! Free! Thrilled! Elated! Glad that she's still alive, but I don't have to talk to her. Like, that every time the phone rings it can't be her!

Roseanne: Darlene, hunny, you want to take a walk with me down to the store later on?
Darlene: Gee, I'd love to Mom, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.


"Roseanne: Her Boyfriend's Back (#3.20)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: Weren't you going to take your brother to the movies?
Darlene Conner: It doesn't start for an hour.
Roseanne Conner: Well, walk really slow.

Dan Conner: [walks into the kitchen] Morning!
Roseanne Conner: Hey, Dan. Jackie's going to learn to be a masseuse through the mail.
Dan Conner: Geez, Jack, what happened? Did your sea monkeys died?
Jackie Harris: I get a little support around here.
[Becky walks in]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, we're sorry.
[to Becky]
Roseanne Conner: Hey, guess what. Jackie's gonna be a...
Jackie Harris: Shut up!


"Roseanne: Sweet Dreams (#2.8)" (1989)
Hunk #2 - Jake: [holding a tray] Oils and fine fragrances from around the world.
Roseanne Conner: Ain't you got no Calgon?


"Roseanne: Vegas (#4.7)" (1991)
Dan: You want to just take off and leave the kids?
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!


"Roseanne: The Truth Be Told (#9.21)" (1997)
Howard Morton: [about D.J.] What's wrong with *him*?
Roseanne Conner: Nothing.
Howard Morton: Must be the haircut.


"Roseanne: Someday My Prince Will Come (#9.5)" (1996)
Roseanne: [to Jackie] Dating's just like hunting: you get lucky, you go home early.


"Roseanne: Skeleton in the Closet (#7.6)" (1994)
Roseanne: Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs florentine.
Dan: I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.


"Roseanne: Honor Thy Mother (#9.4)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: *I* am going to get my pores shrunk down to nothing, Jackie. I'm gonna get pounded and beaten to a pulp by some hidious old Korean masseuse. I'm gonna get my chakras opened, my kundalini's awakened; I'm gonna do Jappa on my Malla, then I'm gonna find my channels, merridians, and my "G" spots, and after that, look here, I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations 'cause you can loose sixty pounds per time.
Jackie Harris: Well, *I* am gonna get waxed and wrapped and buffed and filed and soaked and steamed and purged and peeled 'til there is not one single original cell left in my body, and *then*, I am gonna go out and find a guy with pecks to knock on... and I'm gonna start knockin'!


"Roseanne: Construction Junction (#8.16)" (1996)
[starts to feed Jerry baby food]
Roseanne Conner: My name is "Mommy" and I'll be your waitress tonight. We have specials on the menu including: tender sweet peas, turkey in its own both, and peaches. And I know these are good, because me and your dad make peach daiquiris out of them.
[puts a spoon with Jerry's mouth]
Roseanne Conner: Awww, how long have I been a waitress? Well, not very long; and I am just doing it until an acting job opens up. And your dad fixes trucks for the city and he's only doing that till, uh... another one breaks.
[Jerry slaps the top of his chair]
Roseanne Conner: The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure, you know? Because, uhh... the last big risk we took was having you, and that was a very big risk, but that's just the kind of people we are... or were?
[pause]
Roseanne Conner: I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me,
[Jerry grabs Roseanne's hand to be fed]
Roseanne Conner: and that turned out so good, how come you're playing it safe now?" Quit growing me. Because... see...
[sticks her tongue out]
Roseanne Conner: risks are for younger people, not us. See, when you get to be me and your dad's age, you want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again you know... till you... die.
[Jerry slaps his hands on the chair again]
Roseanne Conner: Okay, so let's just hypothetically say that your dad does take this job at the prison, right? And, uh, what about when that job's over? Then what is he going to do? Course the way this country's going now... I think they're always going to be building new prisons. Yeah, cause, you know, the way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all, it kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into, so a lot more people are going to be doing it, you know. And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are going to get caught, so I think, they're going to be building a lot of prisons, man. I think those things are going to start going up faster than Starbucks! Yeah! And then, like the people in these prisons, you know, they're going to need to eat, so me and Jackie maybe we get into the ground floor with some catering kind of business, you know.
[Dan enters the house]
Roseanne Conner: And pretty soon, convicts from all over the world will becoming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois.
[stops feeding Jerry]
Roseanne Conner: Dan, that's it! You're quitting that boring job in the city and you're going to apply for that construction bit.
Dan Conner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Roseanne Conner: No, I've really been thinking about this for... you know, the last couple of minutes. And, uh, this is a big opportunity here and I think we should take it.
Dan Conner: Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you've drank all my beer?
Roseanne Conner: No, I was just sittin' here and I was talking to the baby-...
Dan Conner: [interrupts her] Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already.
[he sits]
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan. He made me realize that, uh, the thing that was always so great about us is that we always took a chance, you know, and, this is a chance.
Dan Conner: Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.
Roseanne Conner: You know you want to do this. Let's take the risk.


"Roseanne: Pampered to a Pulp (#9.6)" (1996)
Roseanne: Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!


"Roseanne: Busted (#6.14)" (1994)
Roy-Al: You want something to drink?
Roseanne: Yeah, thanks. Um, I think a big tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot right now.


"Roseanne: Dances with Darlene (#3.23)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!


"Roseanne: Halloween V (#6.6)" (1993)
Dan: [discussing Nancy] She's rude and selfish.
Roseanne: I know, but, inside she's just a... scared little girl.
Dan: Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging *bitch* on the outside.


"Roseanne: Maybe Baby (#7.11)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [Jackie is sticking up for Dan] What, are you a *man* now? Did you grow a kickstand?


"Roseanne: Valentine's Day (#3.17)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: [At the mall's dinner, talking about Dan to the other waitress] ... so we're married seventeen years and he totally forgot Valentine's day.
Bonnie Watkins: I'd divorce him if I were you.
Roseanne Conner: I'm not gonna reward him.


"Roseanne: We're in the Money (#1.2)" (1988)
Perfume counter saleswoman: You know what the fastest way to a man's heart is?
Roseanne: Yeah... through his chest.


"Roseanne: Husbands and Wives (#7.20)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: I went out dancing with another man!
Roseanne Conner: Dancing isn't a sin. Didn't you ever see "Footloose"?


"Roseanne: The Last Date (#8.4)" (1995)
[first lines]
Dan Conner: Ah man. The hospital wants us to fill out a lot more of these forms than when D.J. was born.
Roseanne Conner: I know. We're just having a baby. It's not like we're buying a car.


"Roseanne: Bird Is the Word (#3.9)" (1990)
Becky Conner: [after getting busted for lying about flipping the bird] I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you're mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to *moon* the class photo so you guys are proud of me.
Roseanne Conner: Make sure it's your own butt!


"Roseanne: Like a Virgin (#3.3)" (1990)
Becky: [re: birth control] But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?
Roseanne: Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.


"Roseanne: Couch Potatoes (#7.24)" (1995)
Roseanne: We're white trash, and we will stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.


"Roseanne: Happy Trailers (#7.21)" (1995)
Trailer Park Resident: And don't you ever feed my dog!
Roseanne: If I get drunk enough, I'll *fight* your dog!


"Roseanne: The Birds and the Frozen Bees (#7.23)" (1995)
[after subtly getting Darlene and David back together]
Roseanne Conner: I'm amazing. If I ever get up off this couch, I'll be unstoppable.


"Roseanne: Ladies' Choice (#5.8)" (1992)
Darlene: [Roseanne tells Darlene that Nancy is gay] Whoa! How did you find out? Did she tell you?
Roseanne: No. We saw the, "I'm a Big Ol' Dyke" bumbersticker on her car.


"Roseanne: Bingo (#4.13)" (1992)
Roseanne Conner: [mocking fanatical bingo woman, lights lighter] Oooooh, spirit of bingo! I offered you my first child, now give me my numbers!
[laughs maniacally]


"Roseanne: We're Going to Disney World (#8.17)" (1996)
Becky: Did I hear right? We're going on vacation?
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky, originally played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, then by Lecy Goranson, will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. The taking of flash photographs or use of recording devices is strictly prohibited.
Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Roseanne: Aren't you glad that you're here this week?


"Roseanne: Altar Egos (#6.25)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] Do *not* talk down to me, like one of those husbands, who is not afraid of his wife!


"Roseanne: The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father (#3.13)" (1991)
Dan Conner: I'm not going to the wedding.
Roseanne Conner: Yes you are. You're the best man and I'm the matron of honor. We're gonna walk down that isle together and it'll be just like old time, only this time we need a wider isle.


"Roseanne: Let Them Eat Junk (#8.2)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne. My child has oreo breath!
Roseanne Conner: Well relax. That's just because we were drinking an oreo flavored liquor.