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Quotes for
Jackie Harris (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Roseanne: Goodbye, Mr. Right (#3.5)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [describing how she got injured in the line of duty] ... and that's when things got ugly. He went for his gun.
Nurse: What gun? Your partner said the guy was completely naked.
Jackie Harris: It was dark. It *could* have been a gun.

Nurse: This is for the pain.
Jackie Harris: Owwww. Make it a double.

Gary Hall: I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.
Jackie Harris: Well actually, ever since she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.

Jackie Harris: I don't want to do anything else! I put on that uniform and people respect me! I get to do something that means something, that protects people, and helps people, even if it means risking my life.
Roseanne Conner: Jackie, you tackled a naked guy and grabbed for...
Jackie Harris: I coulda *swore* it was a gun!

Jackie Harris: He walked in here, and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Roseanne Conner: Well so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Jackie Harris: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but *you* won't seem to go away!

Jackie Harris: I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like Dan does for you.
Roseanne Conner: Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into Dan? You think he came out of a *box* like that!

D.J. Conner: Aunt Jackie, I made you a get well card
Jackie Harris: [reads] Get well soon, oh you're so sweet
Becky Conner: [to Darlene] He's got them all fooled

Jackie Harris: [melodramatically] Roseanne, because of my back injury, I may wind up... behind a desk.
Roseanne Conner: [pause, sarcastically crooning] You poor thing, can I do my little happy dance now?


"Roseanne: Trick or Treat (#3.7)" (1990)
Pete: [Roseanne is dressed up like a lumberjack] What can I get for ya sweetheart?
Jackie Harris: White wine
Pete: And what about you fella?
[Roseanne is shocked]
Pete: Come on pal, I'm busy here, what can I get ya?
Roseanne Conner: [in a manly voice] Give me a beer

Jackie Harris: Roseanne don't do it, you'll embarrass both of us
Roseanne Conner: Call me Bob

Pat: Hey Bob looks like you're old lady's making a move on the fireman
Roseanne Conner: Yeah well we have an open relationship
Pat: Is that because you can't keep her in line?
Roseanne Conner: Well it's hard enough to control a woman that ain't inflatable!
[to Jackie]
Roseanne Conner: Yo bitch!
[quietly]
Roseanne Conner: You are making me look bad in front of the guys
Jackie Harris: Hey I don't see any ring on this finger

Jackie Harris: Power tools?
Roseanne Conner: That's just their little code for fallopians approaching
Jackie Harris: What are they talking about?
Roseanne Conner: Y'know, their first time, their last time, how many times then they all spit and go home

Woman: [after seeing Roseanne dressed up as a man and Jackie together] Excuse me, y'know you could do so much better
Jackie Harris: I don't see you here with anyone


"Roseanne: Second Time Around (#3.22)" (1991)
Crystal Anderson-Conner: [talking about determining the sex Crystal's unborn baby] This is stupid.
Roseanne: Yeah, your right, let's do it the scientific way. Let me look at your butt.
Jackie: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: It's a scientific fact, Jackie, if it's a flat pancake butt it's a girl, and if it's a big ol' bubble butt it's a boy.

Jackie: [to Darlene] We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Jackie: Okay Crystal, what are we going to name this baby?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: Well, we have a tradition in our family. My grandmother was Ruby, and my mother was Amber, and I'm Crystal. So, I was thinking that, this must stop.

Jackie: You know, when I have a baby, I want to deliver it in a pool of warm water. I think that's the gentlest way to bring a baby it the world.
Roseanne: Yeah, and I imagine it keeps the swimmers out of the shallow end.

Dan: [to Jackie] I'm on my way to work. Do you want me to give you a lift?
Jackie: No, I'm gonna get some breakfast first.
Dan: It is the most important mooch of the day.


"Roseanne: This Old House (#4.18)" (1992)
Roseanne: Let's face it, Jackie, our family was like, totally screwed up. Which is probably why I got fat and why you can't have any decent relationship with any man.
Jackie: Or... maybe, I just never found the right guy, and you never found the wrong doughnut.

Roseanne: [Jackie comments that their father spanked them] Spanked? Face it, Jackie, he beat us.
Jackie: Back then, lots of kids were spanked with belts.
Roseanne: Yeah but did their dads have the belt on a big old razor strap thing right above the door that as soon as you got home you had to wonder if you'd do something to get out of line and he'd take it down?
Jackie: Probably just to psyche us out.
Roseanne: Well it sure worked. Remember when he'd make us go and bring it to him?
Jackie: Well Mom was no help, she just stayed in the kitchen washing the damn dishes and ignored it.
Roseanne: Well that was Mom's answer to everything, just ignore it and it goes away.

Roseanne: Even the old vent's still here.
Jackie: Oh yeah! Hey, Mom and Dad never did figure out that we could always hear what was going on in their bedroom through that. All that screaming and fighting and yelling and crying.
Roseanne: Yeah, we never did hear any sex, unless that's what all the screaming and crying was about.
Jackie: Remember when we used to listen at it whenever we were in trouble? Gave us that chance to run in and confess first.
Roseanne: Yeah, five minutes before they came to the door.
Jackie: Well that helped, earned us those honesty points.
Roseanne: Yeah, or gave us a chance to get our stories straight.

Jackie: [watching Roseanne climb in their bedroom window] I just flashed on Winnie the Pooh in the honey tree!

Jackie: [in their old bedroom] Shhhh, don't want to wake up Mom and Dad!
Roseanne: Oh gee, Jackie, well after the concert Dan and I got married and had three kids. Don't tell Mom!


"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
Jackie: [Darlene asks Jackie to tell Roseanne for her, that she wants to go away to school] Alright, I'll do it. But when you're a famous writer, I want you to dedicate your first novel to your incredibly brave Aunt Jackie, who's brutal death made this book possible.

Jackie: Well, you go to a dental college, have a student work on it.
Roseanne: Yeah, but with my luck, I'll get somebody who's in on a football scholarship.

Jackie: [shouts] You can't go screaming at Darlene!
Roseanne: [shouts] I sure can! If I don't start screaming at her, then she won't have no idea why she's getting strangled!

Roseanne: [crying into a tissue] I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie?
Jackie: [tenderly and softly] Nooooo. You're a great mother! You're loving, and protective. You're like one of those mother lions in the nature films, that carries her babies around by the back of the neck. 'Cept sometimes ya get a little rough, and you rip their heads off.


"Roseanne: BOO! (#2.7)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah, she was scary.
Becky Conner: Who's Mrs. Osmand?
Jackie Harris: Oh she was this mad woman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.
Roseanne Conner: Too bad she never did it on Halloween.
Jackie Harris: Hey sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.
Darlene Conner: Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?
Roseanne Conner: If she's truly insane she will.

Becky Conner: Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmand?
Dan Conner: Yeah, didn't she have a couple of hits in the 70s?
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, you remember the one they took away.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, she was a real psycho, wasn't she always trying to eat her face?
Roseanne Conner: That was when there was still hope. But you remember what happened after that.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, who could forget? She uh...
Darlene Conner: Escaped.
Dan Conner: Yeah.
Becky Conner: No they didn't. You said they let her out.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well we just didn't want to scare you.
Jackie Harris: Yeah, you know there's an APB out on her.
Dan Conner: Is that right?
Roseanne Conner: Dan, there's a woman in our backyard!
Dan Conner: [everybody goes to the back door] She's hiding behind the garage, I better go out there.
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan, no!
Darlene Conner: Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Roseanne Conner, Dan Conner, Jackie Harris: GOTCHA!

Jackie Harris: What're you guys gonna be?
Becky Conner: Oooooh, maybe I'll be Wonder Woman.
Darlene Conner: And I can be Casper the friendly ghost!
Roseanne Conner: Well I guess you two are just tooooo mature to go trick or treating.
Darlene Conner: Besides, if I want candy I'll just go through your purse.

Jackie Harris: This is a sick household!
Roseanne Conner: And it's going to be even sicker when I get done because this time it's personal!


"Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey (#5.23)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: I am warning you, Mom. If you don't stop treating me like a child, I'm packed up, and out of your place by tonight.
Bev Harris: That's the coffee talking, Jackie.
Jackie Harris: Hold on a second.
[to the coffee cup]
Jackie Harris: What's that? Okay, I'll tell her. The coffee says that you're a meddling old bat, who's sapping my will to *live*!

Bev Harris: Well, I'm sorry if I care about you, Jackie, but I watch you every day. I'm just concerned about this reckless life-style of yours!
Jackie Harris: [nearly shouts] Reckless life-style? I am living with my Mother in a *Retirement Community*!

Jackie Harris: [Roger asks Jackie out] Wait a minute. Aren't you dating Nancy? My business partner, Nancy? My friend, Nancy?
Roger: All three of them, yes. But ours is a completely casual relationship; I can date other women... she can date other women.
Jackie Harris: You know, Roger, Nancy is a casual type of person, but I'm a real up-tight, do-it-by-the-rules kinda gal, and one of the rules is, 'Never date your lesbian friend's boyfriend'.

Jackie Harris: [in a Thrift Store, to Roseanne] Well, maybe we're not being fair to Nancy. People change. Maybe having a baby is a sign she's becoming less self-involved.
Nancy Bartlett: Guys, look at this stroller. What do you think? Do you think it makes me look fat?


"Roseanne: Secrets (#4.23)" (1992)
D.J.: [besides playing video games] There's nothing else to do.
Jackie: Aw, sure there is! When your Mom and I were your age, kids used to ride their bikes all over, and build tree forts, and dress up dogs in funny clothes... all kinds of stuff.
D.J.: Fine. I'll go outside if I have to.
Roseanne: Dress up dogs?
Jackie: Yeah, the little white dog with a black eye.
Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was "The Little Rascals"!

Roseanne: [on the phone with Crystal, trying to plan an evening out] Crystal, well we're supposed to go out tonight... I can't believe you've known about it for a week, and you still haven't even found a babysitter yet... Well, there's got to be some responsible teen-age girls out there. Let me ask Becky or Darlene. Maybe they know somebody... Okay, I'll call you back later. Bye.
Jackie: Can't find anybody she trusts, huh.
Roseanne: Nope, she might have to end up leaving them kids with her husband.

Jackie: [about having to live on a very tight budget] It - it - it could be done. I was watching this National Geographic special on desert people. Bedouins can live for three days on one fig.
Roseanne: Well, that don't do me no good. My family can't live three days on one Bedouin.

Jackie: [talking about what happened at the Lobo] One of the drivers I work with was there. He said Mark got really drunk. He put his hand through the jukebox, and Dan had to go down there and smooth everything over.
Roseanne: So, thaaaat's what's going on. I kneeeew I was busting Dan's chops for somethin'! I just didn't know what.


"Roseanne: War and Peace (#5.14)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: This is weird. I hate going to the Emergency Room, reminds me of the pussy-willow. Remember the pussy-willow, Roseanne?
Roseanne Conner: All I said was, I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one that crammed it up there!

Jackie Harris: It's just really humiliating, though, you know because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you.
Dan Conner: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Jackie Harris: You are an amazing and wonderful person, Roseanne, I wish we could all be like you. I wish we could all be a happily married couple, who each weighs *500 pounds*!

Roseanne Conner: [helping Jackie pack, picks up a stereo] Do you have a cord for this?
Jackie Harris: That's not mine, it's Fisher's.
Roseanne Conner: [drops it] Whoops.
[picks up a vase]
Roseanne Conner: How about this, is this yours?
Jackie Harris: That's mine!
Roseanne Conner: [puts it down] Damn!


"Roseanne: Don't Make Me Over (#4.24)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: [on Roseanne's new robe from Dan] Oh, my, my, my. Let me feel. Oh boy, that feels fire retardant.
Roseanne Conner: It's *way* retardant.

Roseanne Conner: [looking in the closet] Hey! I think I found my Mother's Day present from the kids.
Jackie Harris: You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.
Roseanne Conner: Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.
[pulls ugly, fuzzy, pink houseshoes from the box]
Roseanne Conner: Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.

Jackie Harris: [on the phone to Bev] If I was dating someone, don't you think I'd tell you just to get you off my back, oh yeah, oh well go suck an egg, no I didn't, I did not, why would I say that? Suck an egg, I don't even know what that means, must be a bad connection, I gotta go, bite me.

Jackie Harris: [on the phone to Bev] Happy Mother's Day, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me.


"Roseanne: Past Imperfect (#6.20)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [at Jackie's, Fred and Jackie are arguing, Roseanne is there, and the baby starts crying] Aw, baby, what's the matter?
Roseanne Conner: What do you mean, "what's the matter"? Can't you imagine how scary this is to him? Where - the big, fuzzy thing is yelling at the milk machine?

Fred: How many men did you date before we met?
Jackie Harris: Well, do you mean dated at all, or dated seriously?
Fred: Well, oh, I mean seriously.
Jackie Harris: Okay, I have to say... just a few.
Fred: Good. It's not that I mind if you slept with lots of guys...
Jackie Harris: [chuckles] Oh, well slept with!
Jackie Harris: [chuckles harder] Well...
Jackie Harris: [soberly] That's not what you asked me.
Fred: No I guess it wasn't.
Jackie Harris: [chuckling] Well, Fred, don't worry... it's not that many. I'd - I'd saaay - three a year.
Fred: Since you were, what, eighteen?
Jackie Harris: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that.
Fred: [looking shocked] Oh, oh wow.
Jackie Harris: [getting defensive] Well, Fred! It's not *that* many! Three a year for 20 years is, 60 - wow.
Fred: Gawd... I don't even *know* 60 people.
Jackie Harris: Well, I didn't *know* all of them.

Jackie Harris: [to Fred, cynically] I slept with 60 men, most of them separately.
Roseanne Conner: [coming in] I can vouch for that, I was there that night selling tickets.


"Roseanne: Home Is Where the Afghan Is (#9.10)" (1996)
Jackie Harris: Have you acted on this? With who? When? How? No don't tell me! Pass the yams!
Prince Carlos: [With a southern twang- Prince Carlos is plastered] Amongst us royalty, most everyone's gay. We just marry so folks won't hang us!

Jackie Harris: How're you doing, Darlene?
Darlene Conner-Healy: Well I have morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the car window when you drive sickness, my rings don't fit, my shoes don't fit, my clothes don't fit, and if you have time to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand new hemorrhoids.
David Healy: Takes about 10 minutes.

Beverly Harris: I brought a Jell-O mold with kiwis.
Jackie Harris: Mother, we have caterers preparing the food this year.
Beverly Harris: Did any of them make a Jell-O mold?
Jackie Harris: No.
Beverly Harris: Then I guess somebody should say 'thank you mother'!
Roseanne Conner: Go ahead, Jimmy.
Caterer: [mocking Bev] Thank you mother!


"Roseanne: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (#4.3)" (1991)
Jackie: Oh for God's sake, people rob liquer stores all the time! *I* slept with *Arnie*!

Roseanne: [shouts] What the hell were you *thinking*!
Jackie: [hysterically] I was thinking, that I just lost a great guy like Gary, and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy! I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arms, and pelican neck! And all my house plants are dead, and no one loves me; but what difference does that make anyway, because everything in my life *sucks*!

Jackie: [about sleeping with Arnie] I was drunk... I-I made a mistake.
Roseanne: A mistake? A mistake. Jackie. Do I have to remind you that when we were all in high school, every one of us took a *blood* oath, that this man would never be given the chance to *breed*!


"Roseanne: A Stash from the Past (#6.4)" (1993)
Jackie: Look at me, I've got nothin'. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family. It's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

Jackie: [Jackie is stoned and laying the bathtub] Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Jackie Harris: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?


"Roseanne: Let's Call It Quits (#1.23)" (1989)
Vonda: [talking about how unrealistic the factory supervisor, Faber, is being] Well, somebody need to go and talk to Faber.
Jackie Harris: [looking at Roseanne] "Somebody"... needs to set this guy straight.
Vonda: [looking at Roseanne] Right. "Somebody"... really does.
Roseanne Conner: Well, "Somebody" doesn't feel like it, so just forget about it. Jeez, I mean, you're talking about a guy that wants to see my head mounted above the woman's restroom. Forget it!

Jackie Harris: [after Roseanne comes out of Mr. Faber's office] You okay, sis?
Roseanne Conner: [upset] No, I'm not okay! I mean, I tried to be okay, but he doesn't want me to be okay! He doesn't want *any* of us to be okay! You know why? Because *he's* not okay! Okay?

Jackie: It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right.... What was your name again?
Roseanne: Sally Field!


"Roseanne: Tolerate Thy Neighbor (#4.5)" (1991)
Becky: [helping Jackie study for her trucker's exam] What is the importance of proper weight distribution?
Jackie: To avoid being top-heavy.
Darlene: Huh, you don't have to worry about that, Aunt Jackie.

Becky: So you aced the driving part, huh?
Jackie: Yeah, yeah. You'd be surprised how courteous people are when they see an 18-wheeler with "Student Driver" written on it.

Jackie: Anybody want to ride in the truck?
Becky: Yeah, sure!
Jackie: Darlene?
Darlene: I don't think so.
Roseanne: Oh, go on Darlene. Get out of the house, it'll be fun! You can roll down the window, and spit into convertibles.
Darlene: Alright.


"Roseanne: Don't Make Room for Daddy (#6.17)" (1994)
Jackie: [looking at Jackie's baby through ultra-sound] Look at the little feet, and the spine. And what's on its head? It looks like it's wearing a little cap.
Roseanne: Ohhhhhh, thaaaat's what happened to the condom.

Jackie: [upset] That is a legal document. Fred is suing me for custody of my baby!
Roseanne: Oh my God. You're *kidding* me!
Jackie: [hysterically] No! It's all right there! He wants my baby! It's not even born yet, he - he's suing me for custody of my *stomach*!

Jackie: I know what to do, we'll hire a hitman.
Roseanne: Jackie!
Jackie: No, I know what I'm talking about, remember that woman we saw on TV she hired a guy for 500 bucks?
Roseanne: Yeah, and the reason she was on TV is because she got caught!


"Roseanne: PMS, I Love You (#3.8)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne has PMS] Are you sure?
Dan Conner: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years; every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
Dan Conner: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly plesant today.
Crystal Anderson: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly plesant"?

Jackie Harris: [trying to stop Dan] Dan, wait! No, you can't leave!
Dan Conner: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie Harris: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety... physical pain.
Dan Conner: And it's rough on your Mother, too.


"Roseanne: Sisters (#7.16)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: [explaining to Darlene why she's crying] I was in the back room chopping up onions and I started thinking about all the people who don't have any onions!

Jackie Harris: You wanted to stand between us at the altar!
Roseanne: That was a joke!

Jackie Harris: You always put Dan first.
Roseanne: Oh I do not, I'm as bad as you are. I put me first too.


"Roseanne: Wait till Your Father Gets Home (#5.16)" (1993)
Roseanne: [their father has just died] That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...
[slowly getting louder]
Jackie: I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!
Jackie: [hangs up] I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!

Jackie: [to the funeral home director] Before we go on, I just want you to know that I'm feeling very irrational right now. I'm likely to buy anything that you show me, and I'm also very likely to take out a gun and blow your head off if I think you're taking advantage of me... so I would play me very carefully.

Roseanne: [on the phone with airline rep] Uh, yeah, I'm here. It's "Harris". "Al Harris", he's my dad. Look, I just got through telling this whole thing to somebody else. Well, all I wanna know is if his flight's coming in on time. No, not coach; try baggage.
Jackie: Ask 'em about his frequent flyer miles. He was a salesman. It would've been very important to him.
Roseanne: Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something?
[on the phone again]
Roseanne: Yeah, I'm here. Listen, this is gonna sound kind of weird and everything, but is he going to be coming down that conveyor belt with everybody's baggage?
[pause]
Roseanne: No, no, the mortuary picks him up. Oh, that's good 'cause I didn't think we could fit him in our truck.
[pause]
Roseanne: Well, I'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, I'm saving my best jokes for the funeral!


"Roseanne: Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down (#4.6)" (1991)
Jackie Harris: What's with the blood?
Roseanne: [nonchalantly] Oh, I killed Dan.

Jackie Harris: [both in black dresses and wigs] Who would've thought we'd both come dressed as Morticia Addams?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: You're Morticia? Oh that's okay then, I'm Elvira!
Jackie Harris: We still look like the Judds from hell.

Jackie Harris: [Booker's in a moose costume and won't let Jackie know who he is] Come on, take off the moose head.
Booker Brooks: I already told you, you might be disappointed and I don't want that to happen until after we've had sex.


"Roseanne: My Name Is Bev (#7.14)" (1995)
Police woman: [about Jackie's Mom] Here's her mug-shot Seargent.
Jackie: Oh - my - God. Can I get those in wallet size?...
Jackie: [Roseanne takes her mother out of the police station] ... So if you can't give me the picture, can I just get the numbers off the bottom, 'cause I want to play the lotto.

Jackie: [Roseanne and Jackie accompany their mother to her first A.A. meeting] Well, I always wondered what an A.A. meeting looked like.
Roseanne: Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.

Jackie: My God, I can't believe, all these years, Mom's... a drunk.
Roseanne: Yeah, you think she woulda been more fun.


"Roseanne: The Test (#3.1)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: I think Dan is pretty sure this test is going to be positive.
Roseanne Conner: I don't know why, I've only been late 3 times in my life.
[Becky and Darlene enter]
Roseanne Conner: And look, here are two of them now.

Jackie Harris: What's the rush?
Roseanne Conner: You told me to hold my first urine of the morning, I've been holding it for seven hours!

Jackie Harris: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
Roseanne Conner: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
Jackie Harris: How did you manage that?
Roseanne Conner: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.


"Roseanne: Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (#1.20)" (1989)
[during a tornado]
Jackie: Roseanne, I wanna live.
Roseanne: Think it over.

Jackie: [Roseanne asks Jackie to pick up a couple of groceries] Fork over the bread, Fred.
Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
Jackie: Thanks for the cash... stupid.

Jackie: I wasn't trying to scare you.
Roseanne: You don't have to try, your whole life scares me.


"Roseanne: It Was Twenty Years Ago Today (#5.20)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [about Roseanne's wedding anniversary gift] Still looking. I wanted to be sure I get you something you've always wanted.
Roseanne Conner: [gasps] Can you get me into the Witness Relocation Program?

Jackie Harris: What've you got planned for the big event?
Roseanne Conner: Aww, it's gonna be sooo great. We're going all out this time, you know. Ah, we'll start with a really romantic, prime rib dinner, and everything, because, you know, the twentieth wedding anniversary *is* the red meat and liquor anniversary.

Jackie Harris: [Dan wants to know Jackie's opinion about a shoe rack he bought Roseanne for their twentieth wedding anniversary] She is not going to be expecting this. It's a good present, Dan. Good, good, good, really good...
[making a face]
Jackie Harris: It's bad, Dan. Bad present, really bad. You can't...


"Roseanne: Be My Baby (#6.5)" (1993)
Jackie: Mom, um, I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for *hours*, and I got pregnant. And I'm not gonna marry him!
Jackie: [chuckles] I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl, I'm naming it Gidget.

Roseanne: [upset that Roseanne didn't let Jackie tell their Mother that she is pregnant] Well I - I just wanted to soften the blow.
Jackie: But I didn't *want* this blow to be soft. This was the one! The one! This was the moment I've been waiting for all my life! This one coulda *killed* her!
Roseanne: Jackie, if you believe in reincarnation at all, perhaps this is not the perfect time to *kill* Mom, if you know what I mean.


"Roseanne: Fender Bender (#2.21)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [storms back into the beauty shop, in uniform, snarls at Meg] Remember one thing, Wellman, I'm your worst nightmare!

Jackie: You know, us cops have a saying; "You never pull a dead man out of a seatbelt".
Darlene: So what, you just leave 'em there?
Jackie: Some cops do, I don't.


"Roseanne: The Getaway, Almost (#8.7)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: You really didn't hear any good songs by women, until Janis.
Jackie Harris: Oh yes, Janis, thank God for Janis. You know, I also learned the truth at 17.
Roseanne Conner: Not Janis IAN you moron! Janis Joplin!

Jackie Harris: I'll take our picture, just like Thelma & Louise.
Roseanne Conner: Well, I *do* look like Geena Davis, and *you* look exactly like Harvey Keitel.


"Roseanne: Nightmare on Oak Street (#1.15)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: So what's going on here?
Roseanne Conner: Darlene got her period last night.
Jackie Harris: Really? She's only 11.
Roseanne Conner: I was 11 when I got my period.
Jackie Harris: Yeah but you were already wearing a D cup.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, two of them.

Jackie Harris: [about their periods] You were always so weird, like you were looking forward to it.
Roseanne Conner: Well yeah, it was the one thing Mom had no control over.


"Roseanne: Hair (#2.17)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [comes in through the front door] Roseanne, you all ready to go?
Roseanne Conner: [whining] I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.

Roseanne Conner: I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Devine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job where in I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
Jackie Harris: Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very, well.


"Roseanne: The Driver's Seat (#6.11)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [upset that Roseanne spanked D.J., because her Dad used to beat her and Roseanne] That has *everything* to do with it! These patterns repeat!
Dan Conner: Well then you'd better look out, because my father used to *love* to hit his sister-in-law!

[after Roseanne spanks DJ]
Dan Conner: Look, Roseanne, what you just did in there, it's not that big a deal.
Jackie Harris: Yes, it is. You're not helping, Dan. Look, I know what you feel like. You have gotta talk about this.
Dan Conner: Hey, she doesn't need you making something out of nothing.
Jackie Harris: You didn't grow up in our house.
Dan Conner: This is different! The kid had it coming. He could've killed himself!
Jackie Harris: She was out of control. It was just like Dad!
Roseanne Conner: Why don't you both just SHUT UP and leave me alone!


"Roseanne: Deliverance (#4.22)" (1992)
Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
Dan: Well apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: Well, yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: You know, I suggested that, but she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: You're kidding!
Dan: Then she started cryin'... and there was no way I could kick her back.

Roseanne: [Jackie hangs up the phone after talking with Bonnie] What did she say?
Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it, because you're an idiot!
Roseanne: She called me an idiot?


"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1994 (#7.10)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: See, I told you that amnio wouldn't be that bad.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, they stick a needle in my stomach and suck out a bunch of good. I want to come back tomorrow and see if they can do the same for my butt.

Jackie Harris: You had two abortions, Nana Mary? That must've been so hard.
Nana Mary: Well it was pretty tough in those days, the laws were very strict. I had to go to some terrible place way out on the south side of Chicago. That was the first time so the second time I went to Mexico... or was that to get wool?


"Roseanne: Shower the People You Love with Stuff (#8.1)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: [taken aback by the current prices of baby cribs; Jackie reads off the model names of the cribs] Well find me one called the "I Need a Cheap Replacement, 'Cause My Sister Stole Mine".
Jackie Harris: Maybe, that would be next to the one called "The Indian Giver".

Jackie Harris: [doesn't recognize several elderly women at the baby shower] Who are these women, and why are they here?
Roseanne Conner: Well, they're Mom's friends, and the great thing is that most of them are senile, so we can hit 'em up for presents twice.


"Roseanne: The Slice of Life (#1.18)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [about the Annie Oakley sleeping bag] Mom gave this to me when I moved out incase I needed a place to stay for the rest of my life.

Jackie Harris: [about their old sleeping bag] If this bag could talk...
Roseanne: I'd cut its tongue out, I would.


"Roseanne: Crime and Punishment (#5.13)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.
Roseanne Conner: Just figure that out?

Jackie Harris: [D.J. took inappropriate material to school] What kind of obscene reading material could D.J. have?
Roseanne: I don't know. Either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.


"Roseanne: Say It Ain't So (#9.13)" (1997)
Jackie Harris: [to Dan] It wouldn't surprise me if 30 years from now, your sons aren't visiting THEIR mother in a mental hospital.

Jackie Harris: This is not the end, it's a beginning. We're in the prime of our lives, we're young, we're rich, and we're free. We've got one less egg to answer, one less bell to fry.


"Roseanne: Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti (#9.8)" (1996)
Mark Healy: You change your clothes 8 times a day?
Astrid Wentworth: On average.
Jackie Harris: We don't have 8 changes of clothes total. What're we going to do?
Roseanne Conner: I watched that Martha Stewart, we'll be fine.

Jackie Harris: Mommy's playing football, and mommy's kicking butt!


"Roseanne: Dream Lover (#3.10)" (1990)
Jackie: [about Dan and Roseanne's sex life] You're kidding? You guys have a *night*?
Roseanne: Yes, we have a *night*. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
Jackie: You have a time too?
Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.

Jackie: Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he's out... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.


"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: [after Dan informs Roseanne that her coffee maker is dead] Be nice, Roseanne, I brought you breakfast.
Roseanne Conner: Awww, coffee cake. Ironic, isn't it?

Jackie Harris: [to Roseanne] So, Nancy and I are gonna go down to the mall, and find me a dress for the Single's dance tonight. You wanna come along, and undermine my self-confidence?


"Roseanne: Guilt by Imagination (#6.8)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne, angry, grabs her keys and leaves the house] Oh God. This is really bad.
Dan Conner: Yeah, I know.
Jackie Harris: Oh no. I mean, this is *really* bad. I'm parked *behind* her.

Jackie Harris: Remeber how nuts she went when she found out what you guys did in high school?
Dan Conner: Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put her through that again, *are* we?
Jackie Harris: No, of course not. Dan, Roseanne is very sensitive about this... and we know how dangerous she is when she gets sensitive.


"Roseanne: The Bowling Show (#4.14)" (1992)
Duke: Any of you ladies have a request?
Bonnie Watkins: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
Duke: [in a "get serious" tone] I don't know that one!
Bonnie Watkins: Okay then, how about a nice romantic dinner?
Duke: Great idea! We're goin' for chili dogs, be back in 5 minutes!
Jackie: He's good!
Bonnie Watkins: Oh don't tell him that. He'll wanna go back out on the road, and that's no good. All those young girls jumping up and down screaming, "Get off the stage, Grandpa!" Nah, I love him way too much to let that happen.

Duke: Any of you ladies have a request?
Bonnie Watkins: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
Duke: [in a "get serious" tone] I don't know that one!
Bonnie Watkins: Okay then, how about a nice romantic dinner?
Duke: Great idea! We're goin' for chili dogs, be back in 5 minutes!
Jackie Harris: He's good!
Bonnie Watkins: Oh don't tell him that. He'll wanna go back out on the road, and that's no good. All those young girls jumping up and down screaming, "Get off the stage, Grandpa!" Nah, I love him way too much to let that happen.


"Roseanne: I'm Hungry (#2.18)" (1990)
Becky Conner: Aunt Jackie, how come mom's so fat and you're so thin?
Jackie Harris: Genetics.
Becky Conner, Darlene Conner: [look at each other] Oh my God!

Jackie Harris: [Dan comes in huffing] How'd the walk go?
Dan Conner: [out of breath] Good!
[picks up keys]
Becky Conner: Where're you going?
Dan Conner: Pick up you mom.


"Roseanne: Confessions (#3.12)" (1990)
Jackie: [to Roseanne, who tricked her into coming over while their Mother was visiting] You are just *evil*!

Beverly Harris: Tell me, Roseanne, how many women can look that good without a drop of makeup? And your hair's adorable!
Jackie: Thanks, Mom.
Beverly Harris: You know, I'm almost glad your father didn't make it. This gives us girls a chance to have some fun.
Jackie: This is Mom, isn't it?
Roseanne: I'm not sure. Hold on, let me check that birthmark behind her neck. 6-6-5. Close enough.


"Roseanne: Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do (#4.17)" (1992)
Dan: [talking about Becky's date, Dean, the transition guy] Well, at least I'll know what to do when this happens with Darlene.
Roseanne: Look how cute you are!
[Jackie laughs]
Dan: I hate this.
Jackie: [as Dan leaves the room] Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue.
Roseanne: Yeah, it's like somebody moved his food dish.

Jackie: [after Roseanne tells Mark off, and throws him out of the house] Whoa, you really nuked him.
Roseanne: I don't know, Jackie. Gee, I've been dreaming about laying into that punk for a year and a half, you know. I finally get the chance, and I forgot to make fun of his hair!


"Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (#6.18)" (1994)
Nancy: [about a bar she and girlfriend Sharon want to go to] I don't think you'd have such a great time.
Jackie: Sounds like fun.
Nancy: It's a gay bar.
Jackie: Okey-dokey.
Roseanne: Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.
Nancy: Well, it might! Friday is convert-a-hetero night.

Jackie: Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?
Roseanne: Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.


"Roseanne: The Mommy's Curse (#6.2)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [talking about getting their Mom out of the restaurant] Alright. Okay, neither of us is going to do it, so we're stuck with her.
Roseanne Conner: What we need is a glass of chardonnay on a great big ol' rat trap.

Jackie Harris: [Fred wants to see Jackie again after their first date, she doesn't want to] No, no, believe me, it's not you, it's me. I'm just going through a really, uh, selfish period right now.
Fred: That's perfect. I'm going through a doormat period right now.


"Roseanne: Halloween - The Final Chapter (#8.5)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind Jackie] Remember me, Jackie?
Jackie Harris: [look of terror] Not Mrs. Butterworth... please not Mrs. Butterworth.
Roseanne Conner: Remember how your sister Roseanne told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!
[Jackie screams]

Roseanne Conner: [to the ouija board] When am I going to have my baby?
[planchette moves]
Roseanne Conner: N...
Jackie Harris: November!
Roseanne Conner: O... W...
Jackie Harris: Nowvember, you're having it in Nowvember.
Roseanne Conner: No Jackie... I'm having it, now!
[screams]


"Roseanne: The Monday Thru Friday Show (#1.12)" (1989)
Roseanne: What are you smiling at, hot stuff?
Dan: Well, wait a minute. What's this in my pocket? It could be. It might be. It is. Holy cow, it's a honeymoon! Why, yes, it's paradise.
Jackie: Ohh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

Jackie: You know what my idea of the perfect marriage would be?
Roseanne: Mel Gibson and a stick of butter.


"Roseanne: Scenes from a Barbecue (#3.24)" (1991)
Darlene Conner: [Becky thinks Nana Mary is cheating] Becky, how can Nana cheat at cutting cards?
Jackie: [chimes in] It's her deck, Einstine.

Jackie: [on the phone with her Mom] ...Um, no, we broke up... Yeah... Well, just - just didn't work out... Yeah, I know you liked him, Mom, but then you - you didn't have to sleep with him... I'm kidding, Mom... Yeah, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry!... Ah, no, don't have a job yet, no. There's just nothing that I like... Uh, I - I know exactly how old I am, Mom....


"Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood (#8.3)" (1995)
[Roseanne and Jackie break into the competing diner. Roseanne tries to plant a dead fish in the exhaust hood over the stove and gets stuck]
Jackie Harris: How! How did you get stuck!
Roseanne: By my boobs! They folded down on the way up, then they locked - like those toggle bolts!

Jackie Harris: [panicing] I will - I'll get you out! I *will* get you out! Just - I - I know! I - I'll turn on the stove, and then the metal in the vent will expand.
Roseanne: [hysterically] I'm standing on the stove! It's amazing to have your head stuck in a vent, and still not be the *stupidest* person in the room!


"Roseanne: Rear Window (#7.13)" (1995)
[on their new neighbors]
Jackie: So, they're like, really old?
Roseanne: Well, let's just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President Lincoln was shot.

Jackie: So they're like, totally naked all day?
Roseanne: Well... sometimes he wears a hat.


"Roseanne: Promises, Promises (#5.22)" (1993)
Jackie: Okay, twenty minutes 'till the movie, let's go.
Roseanne: Okay, hold on, um, because I want you to wear my coat with the big pockets, so we can sneak in our own drinks.
Jackie: Why don't you wear it?
Roseanne: [groans] Oh, they're on to me.

Jackie: Gawd! Now I'm losing men to lesbians.


"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1997)
Jackie Harris: Alright, that's it, Roseanne, four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of Lemon Pledge.
[imitating Poltergeist]
Jackie Harris: This house is clean!
D.J. Conner: [comes down in rubber gloves and a rag on his head] Okay, I got the bathroom clean as a whistle, okay that sandpaper and bleach goes a long way.
Roseanne Conner: Hey, good job, now get on the phone and tell everybody we're having a welcome-home party for the baby and they gotta get here before the house gets dirty again. Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.

Jackie Harris: Can you believe it, Roseanne? We're bringing another baby home!
Roseanne Conner: This is a lucky house. It adapts well to new life.
Jackie Harris: I can't imagine this family living anywhere else.
Roseanne Conner: Yep, lottery or no, I could never get rid of this house.


"Roseanne: Halloween IV (#5.7)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?
Roseanne: No, Dan wore pajamas.

Jackie Harris: Hey, Happy Halloween! Did you see the great pumpkin last night?
Roseanne: No, Dan wore pajamas...


"Roseanne: Let Them Eat Junk (#8.2)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne. My child has oreo breath!
Roseanne Conner: Well relax. That's just because we were drinking an oreo flavored liquor.

Jackie Harris: [mad because Roseanne fed her child cookies against her instructions] Maybe I don't want my kid turning out the way yours did. Like your... smart-assed high school drop out, trailer trash, dark clothes wearing, boyfriend's in the basement, too-soon-sex doing, four-letter wording, hoodlum oreo eaters! That's what you are... the whole family! The whole *lot* of ya! Oreo eaters! And *you*... you are the *oree-oiest*!


"Roseanne: The Dark Ages (#5.3)" (1992)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne called the power company but they won't turn the power on] Did you tell them you have children?
Roseanne: Yeah, they don't want 'em.


"Roseanne: Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? (#3.11)" (1990)
Jackie: You are rotten *rotten* kids, and I can't even believe I'm *related* to you two!


"Roseanne: Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places (#5.6)" (1992)
Jackie: You should have seen it, Darlene, people were shoving loose meat in their faces as fast as they could get their hands on it.
Darlene: Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table, and let them gnaw 'til they're full.


"Roseanne: Honor Thy Mother (#9.4)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: *I* am going to get my pores shrunk down to nothing, Jackie. I'm gonna get pounded and beaten to a pulp by some hidious old Korean masseuse. I'm gonna get my chakras opened, my kundalini's awakened; I'm gonna do Jappa on my Malla, then I'm gonna find my channels, merridians, and my "G" spots, and after that, look here, I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations 'cause you can loose sixty pounds per time.
Jackie Harris: Well, *I* am gonna get waxed and wrapped and buffed and filed and soaked and steamed and purged and peeled 'til there is not one single original cell left in my body, and *then*, I am gonna go out and find a guy with pecks to knock on... and I'm gonna start knockin'!


"Roseanne: The Back Story (#4.15)" (1992)
Becky: [Jackie asks about Becky's job to change the dinner conversation subject] Oh. Um, well they moved me up to the express line.
Jackie Harris: [cheerfully] Really? Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Becky: Yeah, right. All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.
Becky: [Roseanne laughs louldly from another room] Mother!
Roseanne: Well, it was funny, Becky.


"Roseanne: Trouble with the Rubbles (#3.21)" (1991)
[Having just met their new neighbor, Kathy Bowman]
Jackie: Maybe she was a little uptight.
Roseanne: A *little* uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.


"Roseanne: Mommy Nearest (#5.4)" (1992)
Jackie: [Dan is drooling over the check his Mother-in-Law gave Roseanne] She's just trying to buy us, Dan. Can't you see that?
Dan: Yeah, I think she hit my price... Actually, she coulda had me for half.


"Roseanne: Labor Day (#6.19)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, how is this gonna come out of *this*?
Roseanne Conner: Relax, Jackie. These have been coming out of *those* for millions and millions of years, you know? Muscles stretch. Bones break.


"Roseanne: The Blaming of the Shrew (#7.22)" (1995)
[after D.J.'s pushy girlfriend leaves]
Jackie: [laughs] What was *that*?
Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!


"Roseanne: Stand on Your Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Jackie: [In the diner, kidding around about Dan] Is this creep giving you trouble, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Yes. He keeps insisting he's my husband, and he won't leave!


"Roseanne: The Parenting Trap (#7.12)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [after meeting David's new girlfriend] You're the one who pushed David to start dating again in the first place. You can't go slamming his first attempt.
Roseanne Conner: I'm not gonna slam her. I'm just gonna let Darlene sniff at her for a while, then I'll let go of the leash.


"Roseanne: The Little Sister (#2.2)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [hungover] Ya act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.
Roseanne Conner: [clearing the breakfast table] Yeah, and *you* go right for your addictive behavior. Huh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on "Oprah"; People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.
[starts nibbling another pancake]
Jackie Harris: Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses, shouldn't *eat* stones.


"Roseanne: Husbands and Wives (#7.20)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: I went out dancing with another man!
Roseanne Conner: Dancing isn't a sin. Didn't you ever see "Footloose"?


"Roseanne: Happy Birthday (#2.24)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: I'll be back later to give you your present.
Roseanne Conner: Why can't I just open it now?
Jackie Harris: I haven't bought it yet.


"Roseanne: Canoga Time (#1.11)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [Examining a rock concert t-shirt] I don't remember getting this.
Roseanne: I think you got that the same night you got that hissing viper tattoo.
D.J. Conner: You have a tattoo? Can I see?
Roseanne: You're too young.
Dan Conner: Oooh, can I see?
Roseanne: You're too eager.


"Roseanne: April Fool's Day (#2.22)" (1990)
Jackie: I have been dreading this for weeks. You know how crummy my math is.
Roseanne: Well, no sweat, D.J. will be home by three.


"Roseanne: Bird Is the Word (#3.9)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne; Your son just gave Gilligan the finger.
Dan Conner: Well, he is the reason they're still stuck on that island!


"Roseanne: Aliens (#4.25)" (1992)
Nancy Bartlett: [about Arnie] Jackie what would you do?
Jackie Harris: Why are you asking me?
Nancy Bartlett: Well you had a relationship with him.
Jackie Harris: [repulsed] Nancy... I'm eating.


"Roseanne: Call Waiting (#9.1)" (1996)
[Beverly and Roseanne are at Jackie's house. Bev is trying to comfort Roseanne]
Jackie Harris: [to Roseanne] I didn't invite her. I left a window open, she just flew in.


"Roseanne: Nine Is Enough (#7.1)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [to Dan] You shave your pits? Is that true?
Mark: Of course it's not true!
[quietly to Dan]
Mark: It isn't true, is it?
D.J. Conner: Cool, when can I shave my pits?


"Roseanne: Mothers and Other Strangers (#9.11)" (1996)
Roseanne Conner: [Roseanne's worried Dan won't like the way she's changed or the way she's redecorated the house when he gets home] What if...
Jackie Harris: Just stop with what if. 'What if?' 'What if?' What if cars ran on spit?


"Roseanne: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (#1.3)" (1988)
Jackie Harris: [while reading a newspaper] Roseanne, listen to this. "Utah Housewife Stabs Husband 37 Times".
Roseanne Conner: I admire her restraint.


"Roseanne: Lies My Father Told Me (#6.21)" (1994)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne learns something about Dan's family that he kept hidden] Well, maybe he was ashamed.
Roseanne Conner: Ashamed? He's been married to me for twenty-one years, you'd think he would be numb to shame by now.
Jackie Harris: I don't know, Roseanne, it is kinda bad. I mean, think about it... his Mom beat our Mom to the loony-bin.


"Roseanne: Morning Becomes Obnoxious (#8.21)" (1996)
[Cindy Lenner's interview session with Jackie in the diner]
Cindy Kenner: So is beef back?
Jackie Harris: Um, well, I - I - I'm going to have to agree with Leon that, ah, low-fat is the way to go. But today, there are leaner cuts of beef so who knows. Uh, maybe, someday beef won't have any fat at all. Because, um, the future is now, and who knows what that's going to bring. Maybe, maybe we won't even have beef, or cows, or cars, or we just, you know, we'll just wear those jet-pack things, and we'll just fly all over everywhere we want to go. And we'll eat food made out of, oh, I don't know, just old newspapers and air... Oh to be young again!
Cindy Kenner: [sliding away from Jackie] Okay!
Jackie Harris: Hi Andy! Mommy's on TV!


"Roseanne: Santa Claus (#4.12)" (1991)
Child: [Roseanne is dressed as Santa] Remember this?
[indicating the teddy bear he brought with him]
Roseanne: Well now, Jason, Santa sees an awful lot of teddy bears.
Child: You gave it to me last year.
Roseanne: Well that's because you were such a good boy!
Child: I hate it! I wrote you a later asking for a truck.
Roseanne: Hmmm. Mrs. Claus, come here a minute, please.
Jackie: [dressed as Mrs. Claus] Yes, Santa.
Roseanne: There seems to be some mix up. I never got Jason's letter. Now I want you to get on the horn and find the elf responsible for this, and fire him immediately! He's gone! He's history!
Jackie: Right away, Santa!
Roseanne: Happy now, Jason?
[Jason nods]


"Roseanne: Springtime for David (#8.19)" (1996)
Jackie Harris: I read that the guy who built this place had his head frozen.
Roseanne Conner: Remind me not to order any snow cones.


"Roseanne: Darlene Fades to Black (#4.4)" (1991)
Roseanne: [Jackie wonders why nobody is talking to anyone] *We*, have had a fight, and *we're* not speaking to each other.
Jackie: Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.


"Roseanne: Mall Story (#1.16)" (1989)
Roseanne: Feel like a chili dog?
Jackie Harris: Among other things. How bout you, Beck? You want a chili dog?
Becky: No, I'm never eating again.
Roseanne: Well you're still doing the dishes.


"Roseanne: Party Politics (#6.3)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: What ever happened to the old-fashioned guys who slept with you once, and never bothered to call again?
Roseanne: You've been through 'em all.


"Roseanne: A Second Chance (#9.18)" (1997)
Dan Conner: Is Roseanne here?
Jackie Harris: No she drove Darlene to the hospital, she wasn't feeling well.
Dan Conner: Is something wrong?
Jackie Harris: No, just indigestion I think.
Dan Conner: Did Roseanne know I was coming over?
Jackie Harris: Actually, I think that's WHY she volunteered to drive Darlene.


"Roseanne: Ballroom Blitz (#8.22)" (1996)
David: [Jackie is upset because she just got divorced] Come on, Jackie, who wouldn't want to go out with you?
Jackie: That's easy for you to say, you little frizzy-haired Pollyanna. You talk to me after a year of marriage. After you've taken up smoking just to shave a couple of years off your miserable life.


"Roseanne: Single Married Female (#7.18)" (1995)
Jackie Harris: [to Stacy, while getting her coat] Come on! The way you just treated my Mom... I feel like *dancing*!


"Roseanne: Fathers and Daughters (#2.23)" (1990)
Roseanne: [nearly hysterical, talking about their Father] Now, how do you think I feel, Jackie? He calls you *every* Sunday! How do you think that makes me feel? How does it make you feel, when - when - when Mom calls *me* all the time, and she never calls *you*?
Jackie: Lucky! Honored! Off the hook! Free! Thrilled! Elated! Glad that she's still alive, but I don't have to talk to her. Like, that every time the phone rings it can't be her!


"Roseanne: Dear Mom and Dad (#1.22)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [to her Mom, to explain why she hasn't been answering her phone] My apartment was getting fumigated, so...
Al Harris: Fumigated, for what? All those *louses* you go out with.
[cracks up]


"Roseanne: Workin' Overtime (#1.19)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, are you okay?
Roseanne Conner: No I'm not okay! I mean I tried to be okay, but I'm not okay because he doesn't want me to be okay, he doesn't want any of us to be okay! Because *he's* not okay!


"Roseanne: Chicken Hearts (#2.13)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: Dan's going to be here and you're always saying how tactless he is.
Dan Conner: Hey Jackie, how's the herpes?


"Roseanne: Her Boyfriend's Back (#3.20)" (1991)
Dan Conner: [walks into the kitchen] Morning!
Roseanne Conner: Hey, Dan. Jackie's going to learn to be a masseuse through the mail.
Dan Conner: Geez, Jack, what happened? Did your sea monkeys died?
Jackie Harris: I get a little support around here.
[Becky walks in]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, we're sorry.
[to Becky]
Roseanne Conner: Hey, guess what. Jackie's gonna be a...
Jackie Harris: Shut up!


"Roseanne: Language Lessons (#1.4)" (1988)
Dan Conner: What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.
Jackie Harris: Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.
[seething, Dan leaves the room]
Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] You really must come over more often.