Darlene Conner
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Darlene Conner (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Roseanne: Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places (#5.6)" (1992)
Darlene: [to D.J. after telling Molly what Darlene said about her] You're about to become a strange smell in the attic.

Darlene: [after Roseanne brings in loose meat sandwiches from a diner she wants to copy] What reeks?
Roseanne: Your future!
Darlene: Yeah, that smells about right.

Jackie: You should have seen it, Darlene, people were shoving loose meat in their faces as fast as they could get their hands on it.
Darlene: Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table, and let them gnaw 'til they're full.

Darlene: [refusing to eat a loose-meat sandwich] Alright, get that thing away from me. I'm not gonna eat some animal's face.
Dan: You don't eat the face; you mount it up on the wall as a tribute.

D.J.: [Darlene catches him trying to hide a spyscope] I was looking at the stars.
Darlene: [looks out the window with the spyscope] Hmm. Oh well, would you look at that? There's a constellation in the shape of a naked next-door neighbor!

D.J.: Mom says I get to name the restaurant!
Darlene: Great. From the boy who named his goldfish "Fluffy".

Darlene: I can make you feel like a man, David. Take out the trash.

Molly Tilden: [about getting D.J. to stop spying on her] So anyway, are you going to do something about your brother?
Darlene: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
Molly Tilden: Well I hope so. Because he could grow up to be a pretty disturbed individual.
Darlene: You don't understand here, Molly. This is the most normal thing he's ever done.

Molly Tilden: [knocks on the door, Darlene answers, letting her in] Your little brother is doing is again!
Darlene: I told you I'd take care of it and I did. Dee Jaaaaaay!
Molly Tilden: What are you calling him down here for? He'll never admit it.
Darlene: Oh, he won't have to. I put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope so he would be branded the deviate that he is.
D.J.: [comes downstairs with no shoe polish on his eye] What do you want?
Molly Tilden: Brilliant plan.
Darlene: [puzzled] It shoulda worked.
David: [comes downstairs with black shoe polish on his eye] Hey!... What?
[Molly is grinning, Darlene seeths with anger. A sign blocking the screen reads: DUE TO ITS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT NATURE, THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED]

"Roseanne: Good Girls, Bad Girls (#5.10)" (1992)
Darlene: Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad after-school special.

Molly Tilden: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
Darlene: The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

[Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene]
Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene: Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now, can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
Molly Tilden: Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay.
Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.

Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is you call.
Darlene: It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Darlene: [to Sean] Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

"Roseanne: It's a Boy (#5.19)" (1993)
Darlene Conner: [to David] Alright. Well, I guess I'll show you your room in the basement.
Dan Conner: I don't think so. First of all, there will be no holding hands. There will be no looks across the room. There will be no touchy-feely, there will be no hanky-panky, there will be no smoochy-woochy. And there will be none of that other stuff you're not supposed to know about.
Darlene Conner: Can we still date?
Dan Conner: If you want, but I don't see much point.

David Healy: [having just crawled into Darlene's bedroom window at two a.m., he sees Darlene wearing a t-shirt and comfy p.j. pants] Is that what you sleep in?
Darlene Conner: Well, my pasties and g-string are in the wash.

David Healy: Alright, look. I have something to say to you, and it's real important that you don't interrupt me.
Darlene Conner: Wait, let me guess; "Darlene, you just don't understand. It's different for boys. It's gotta be now, I tell you, now!".

David Healy: Darlene, you hate it here! Give me one good reason not to run away.
Darlene Conner: Well, it'd make it a lot harder to look down on Becky.

Darlene Conner: [asking if David can move in] You don't know how much this means to me! I mean, David's the reason I came out of my mood last year, and stopped being so difficult.
Roseanne: You stopped being difficult?

Roseanne: [deciding between hamburgers or pizza for dinner] Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.
David Healy: [Dan, D.J., Roseanne, and Darlene all stare] Um, burger's good.
Dan Conner: My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted, and the men are victorious! Come, men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch "The Three Stooges" and we shall scratch ourselves.
[Dan walks proudly into the living room, followed by D.J]
Roseanne, Darlene Conner: [Darlene and Roseanne glare at David, who hurries after the men] Pizza.

"Roseanne: One for the Road (#2.14)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: I'm gonna go upstairs and flush the wok.

Darlene: [to Roseanne] You have a big mouth.
Roseanne: No I don't.
[shouts from up the stairs]
Roseanne: Becky!

Darlene Conner: [tastes Becky's drink, spits it out] Gah! This stuff tastes like sock sweat!

Darlene Conner: [to Becky] Well, you're not gonna do this again, are you?
Becky: [annoyed] Look, I'll do...
[groans from a headache]
Becky: I'll do whatever I feel like doing, you little brat. Now beat it.
Darlene Conner: Okay, okay. Maybe when I come back up, I'll bring you a little breakfast.
[Becky groans]
Darlene Conner: And maybe a sausage or two so you can bite down on one of those little hard chunks.
[Becky trembles in sickness]
Darlene Conner: And maybe a poached egg slightly undercooked...
[Becky rushes out of bed and goes into the bathroom]
Darlene Conner: ... with that white runny stuff that you can never quite keep on the spoon.
[Becky vomits as Darlene slurps]
Darlene Conner: Yes!

Roseanne Conner: [after finding out Becky is drunk, to Darlene] What the hell went on here? Did you get in the liquor when you were playing the records?
Becky: [as Darlene hesitates, solemnly] I was playing the records.
Dan Conner: Wait a minute... Darlene, I thought you said you were playing the records.
Darlene Conner: Well, yeah. I mean... I got them out, but Becky was actually playing them.
Karen Hudson: Who was the bartender?
Darlene Conner: [to Becky] Wasn't it that girl who was over here studying with you?
[Karen glares at Darlene who smiles]

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] You know, I'm not so much bothered by the fact that you took a drink. I mean, you tried it, you got sick, you got caught. You know know what that's like. What really bugs the hell out of me is that I just can't trust you anymore and I always thought I could. You blew it big time.
Becky: So, what are you saying? That I have to be chaperoned for the rest of my life?
Roseanne Conner: Well, you tell me. Can I not leave you alone in the house anymore?
Darlene: Well, I could watch her.
Roseanne Conner: So, do I have to throw out every bit of liquor 'cause you can't get that kids do not do what adults do?
Becky: No, of course not. I'm sorry, Mom.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I can't trust you anymore.
Becky: Yes, you can.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, we'll find out I guess 'cause I'm gonna be watching you like a hawk. And maybe someday a long, long time from now, things will be the way they were before 'cause that's the way they should be.

"Roseanne: War and Peace (#5.14)" (1993)
Roseanne Conner: And now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene Conner: Ok.

Darlene Conner: [grinning] Well, well, well!
Dan Conner: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan Conner: What are you doing here?
Darlene Conner: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always picture yourself on the other side of those bars.

Dan Conner: [to Darlene] Morning. Where is everybody?
Darlene Conner: Mom went to the supermarket and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.
Dan Conner: What about D.J.?
Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.

Darlene: [while Dan is in jail] I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.

Dan: [Dan's in jail] I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] What's going on?
Roseanne: I'm taking Aunt Jackie to the hospital.
Darlene Conner: Fisher hit her, didn't he?
Roseanne: I'm not supposed to tell you that. Yeah, he did. And now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene Conner: Okay.
Roseanne: Okay, we need milk.
[hands Darlene money]
Roseanne: And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
Darlene Conner: What?

"Roseanne: The Dark Ages (#5.3)" (1992)
D.J.: I'm bored.
Darlene: And stupid. Don't forget stupid.

Dan: [the electricity has been shut off, and the Connors are trying to entertain themselves by telling stories] But I bet your Mom could make up a good one, couldn't you, honey?
Roseanne: Oh, okay, let's see. Um, ah! I got one, okay. Well, once upon a time there was these four princesses, and they lived in this great big house all together and they never left, okay? And uh, they just sat around all the time talking and talking, and yammering and yammering. And they killed every single man who ever came over there, except for one who they kept as a pet. And then one time these two princesses left, and then these other two came on and they really stunk, and...
Darlene: Mom, that's "Designing Women".

Darlene: Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
Dan: [pause] I don't think that'll work.

Roseanne: [to Darlene] Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.
Darlene: Why?
Roseanne: Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.
Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you that.
Roseanne: Oh, Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid.
Darlene: Yeah, well, neither am I. First of all, I don't want to have sex yet. And second, you think I'd do it with you 20 feet away?
Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Darlene: Really? You can't!
Roseanne: [after a long pause] You mean you can hear us?
Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.

Darlene: I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!
Roseanne: So what are you getting at, Becky?

"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
Darlene: Please, Jackie. I was gonna run away, but I don't need Rozilla leveling Chicago trying to find me.

David Healy: [just had sex for the first time] We did it! We finally did it!
Darlene: You're not going to, like, high-five me are you?

David Healy: [about their first time] It was incredible, wasn't it?
Darlene: Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but I think we did pretty good.

Darlene: You know, do you ever think about my future? I don't get this. I though parents wanted their kids to be more successful than them.
Roseanne: Well, of course you're Father and I want you to do better than us. Why do you think we spent our whole lives setting such a low standard!

Darlene: This is like, the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I can't turn it down.
David Healy: Fine. You just remember, you're leaving behind the guy who encouraged you to go to art school. You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to, and you're leaving him behind with your two huge, angry parents!

"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1992)
Becky: [about school] I'm not going. You'll have to get yourself to detention today.
Darlene Conner: You're cutting school? But you like high school, Becky. Remember? You're a geek.

Darlene Conner: [to Becky about Mark] Wait a minute. You mean he had a chance to get out of this hole and he's not? God, he just made "King of the Idiot Boys."

Roseanne Conner: [to Becky] You know, Beck, I don't know why, but I thought maybe the first words out of your mouth might be, "Sorry you lost your business, Dad. We know how much it meant to you."
Darlene Conner: I guess it's gonna sound a lot less sincere now when I say it.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] So do you have anything that you want to say?
Darlene Conner: Can I have a pony?

Darlene Conner: [to Becky] What's wrong with you?
Becky: Nothing. I'm just tired.
Darlene Conner: No wonder. You were tossing and turning all night.
Becky: What, do you watch me while I sleep?
Darlene Conner: Yes, Becky. You fascinate me. You know, sometimes the drool on your pillow, it isn't always yours.

"Roseanne: Inherit the Wind (#2.1)" (1989)
Darlene: Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
Roseanne: What happened?
Darlene: Becky... cut... the cheese.

Darlene: [after Becky farts in front of the entire school council] People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber".

Darlene: Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on.
Roseanne: Invoices. I'm ordering new children.
Darlene: Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially-tattooed, Latin boy of sixteen.

Dan Conner: [Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?
Darlene: Not all of her. If I were you I would check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene: [to Becky] At least I'm not a drooling, boy-crazed nymphomaniac!
Roseanne: Hey, leave me out of this!

"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Darlene: [saying good-bye] I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you, Darlene.
Darlene: [with a straight face] Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: [laughing] You are the wind beneath my wings.

Darlene: I am not moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed!

Darlene: [to Becky about Roseanne] If you lie very still, she may just sniff you, and leave you alone.

Darlene: See you, Bubble-Butt.
Becky: Later, Morticia.

Becky: So where's Mom?
Darlene: She's in the kitchen... with the knives.
Mark Healy: You want me to go in there with you?
Darlene: [repeats] With the knives.

"Roseanne: Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (#1.20)" (1989)
Roseanne: [after Darlene scares her] That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

D.J. Conner: What's a tornado?
Darlene: Well, remember that part in "Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy's house went flying and she went spinning around and round and round?
D.J. Conner: Is our house going to spin around?
Dan: D.J., you know, that stuff you see on TV just gives you a sense of what's real. What's going to happen today is really real.

Darlene: [When a trash can blows by, crashing into the house] What was that?
Roseanne: That was God saying, "Get your butt inside!"

Darlene: This is so cool! Are we gonna have a hurricane?
Dan: No, baby. We don't get hurricanes this far inland.
Roseanne: Yeah, those coastal towns have all the fun.

Darlene: What good's a tornado if you can't see it?
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, you're right. Why don't you guys go out and play?

"Roseanne: Don't Make Me Over (#4.24)" (1992)
Dan: [the girls bought Roseanne a make-over on Mothers' Day in hopes she would let them go to a concert unchaperoned. Roseanne discovered their plan and was very saddened] First of all, let's just say that, you going away for a weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.
Becky: [in apathy] Well, it's unanimous.
Darlene: [sarcastically] Yeah, I guess that about wraps it up.
Dan: I don't think so.
Becky: Okay, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes.
[Darlene snickers]
Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode'; she's too busy crying her eyes out.
[the girls pause at this]
Dan: I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
Becky: [uncaringly] Oh, so now we're all supposed to apologize to you?
Dan: Shut up!
[to Darlene]
Dan: So I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought you were actually going to do something nice for her, you know, like you cared. And that would've been the very best thing you could've done for her today, and you just ruined it.
Darlene: Well, what should we do?
Dan: You're gonna make it up to her.
Becky: [solemnly] Alright, we'll think of something.
Dan: No, no, you had your chance... now it's my turn.
[Dan leaves as Becky and Darlene go silent]

Darlene: [starts making plans to go to a rock concert] Oh, this is going to be soooo great!
Becky: Yes, as long as we all understand that you and Stacy won't be sitting with me and my friends.
Darlene: Becky. There's going to be twenty thousand people there. Why would we sit next to the only four geeks.

Darlene: [D.J. is sitting on the counter, kicking the kitchen cabinets with his heels] It's Mother's Day, you moron. Stop trying to tick her off.
Becky: Yea, and go upstairs and hose off whatever stupid thing you made for her in school, and bring it down.
D.J. Conner: Or what!
Darlene: Or we'll bury you under the porch with the rest of our brothers.

D.J. Conner: Here. Happy Mother's Day!
Roseanne Conner: Oh, lookit, it's an ashtray with your picture at the bottom.
Darlene: Aww, it's a shame you quit smoking, you could grind your butts out on his face.

Dan: [sees Becky and Darlene's spa hairdos] My God, it's the Shirelles!
Becky: Who?
Darlene: Disco.

"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1997)
Roseanne Conner: Is this all the T-shirts you have for the baby?
Darlene Conner-Healy: Yeah, why, do I need more?
Roseanne Conner: Well yeah, I had twice this many when you were a baby, of course half of them were your father's old socks.

Darlene Conner-Healy: Hey, you okay with all this? You know, staying here with my parents for a while?
David Healy: Are you kidding? I love it here. It's... never dull.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Well cool, because you know I just feel safe being near my mom right now, you know at least until the baby's bigger and stronger.
David Healy: Well, people in this house do tend to get bigger, don't they?
[they laugh]
Darlene Conner-Healy: And you know, I think it'll be great for my dad too, he acts like 20 years younger when he's around the baby. That's got to be good for him after the heart attack and everything, right?

David Healy: [about staying home and raising Harris with Roseanne and Dan] You know what this is, it's really tribal.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Tribal? Note to myself, I alone will teach the baby new words.
David Healy: No I just mean that Harris will get to start off her life in a real extended family.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Ah, I never thought about it like that.
David Healy: Darlene it's going to be so great, and it's very natural, it's like throughout history, that's how every child grew up. You know there wasn't day care or babysitters, there was just family. It's just perfect.

Darlene Conner-Healy: [bringing Harris home for the first time] So what do you think of the joint?
Roseanne Conner: What's not to like? At least she's not under that grow-bulb anymore.

Roseanne Conner: And then I was thinking this rocking chair here should be right in front of the window so you can sit there, feed the baby and then look out and yell at the neighbor kids to stay off your lawn.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Well, Mom, I don't want to turn into you all at once.
Roseanne Conner: Take a big fat look in the mirror, Darlene, you lost.

"Roseanne: I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep (#6.22)" (1994)
D.J. Conner: How come we never say grace?
Darlene Conner: Because D.J., grace is for those who are thankful.

[first lines]
Darlene Conner: [to D.J. at the diner] Hey. How do you keep getting in here? There must be a whole in the screen or something.

Darlene Conner: [to David about his nose ring] Wow. I still can't believe you got that. You're like the first straight guy I've known with the guts to wear one of those.

Darlene Conner: [just told her parents that D.J. is attending church] Yeah, I mean, maybe he'll take after your cousin Jesco. Isn't he the one who, uh, sent us the bible with *every* single word highlighted?

"Roseanne: Lanford Daze (#5.15)" (1993)
Darlene: You're still eating meat?
David Healy: Look, come on, I tried to stop, okay? But I realized, I'm a carnivore.
Darlene: Well so are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.

Darlene: I was making a statement.
Roseanne: Yeah? Well, I'm making a statement too! Only *my* chalk outline is going to have long, curly hair, and a great, big, mouth!

Darlene: [to her Mom] This isn't about money! How can I make you get this? This was once a beautiful living thing, 'till someone put a bolt-gun to it's head and chopped it up, and now you want me to serve it to someone, so they can make their stomach into a graveyard for it.

Darlene: All right, let's get this over with. I did the chalk outlines. I just couldn't go on being part of the Conner family money-making death machine.
Roseanne: Oh *now* you come up with a name for the restaurant.

"Roseanne: BOO! (#2.7)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah, she was scary.
Becky Conner: Who's Mrs. Osmand?
Jackie Harris: Oh she was this mad woman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.
Roseanne Conner: Too bad she never did it on Halloween.
Jackie Harris: Hey sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.
Darlene Conner: Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?
Roseanne Conner: If she's truly insane she will.

Becky Conner: Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmand?
Dan Conner: Yeah, didn't she have a couple of hits in the 70s?
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, you remember the one they took away.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, she was a real psycho, wasn't she always trying to eat her face?
Roseanne Conner: That was when there was still hope. But you remember what happened after that.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, who could forget? She uh...
Darlene Conner: Escaped.
Dan Conner: Yeah.
Becky Conner: No they didn't. You said they let her out.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well we just didn't want to scare you.
Jackie Harris: Yeah, you know there's an APB out on her.
Dan Conner: Is that right?
Roseanne Conner: Dan, there's a woman in our backyard!
Dan Conner: [everybody goes to the back door] She's hiding behind the garage, I better go out there.
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan, no!
Darlene Conner: Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Roseanne Conner, Dan Conner, Jackie Harris: GOTCHA!

Jackie Harris: What're you guys gonna be?
Becky Conner: Oooooh, maybe I'll be Wonder Woman.
Darlene Conner: And I can be Casper the friendly ghost!
Roseanne Conner: Well I guess you two are just tooooo mature to go trick or treating.
Darlene Conner: Besides, if I want candy I'll just go through your purse.

Becky Conner: [Darlene dribbles blood into Becky's cereal] Darlene!
Darlene Conner: They cut out my tongue.
Becky Conner: You are so gross!
Roseanne Conner: Gross? You're disgusting and I am proud to be your mommy!

"Roseanne: Becky, Beds and Boys (#3.6)" (1990)
Darlene: If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.
Roseanne Conner: See Dan I told you he was small for his age

Darlene: [Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
Roseanne Conner: No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

Darlene: Hey Mark! Two plus two?
Mark Healy: What?
Darlene: Yeah. I thought so.

Darlene: [DJ is playing the Shadow game] Stop it!
D.J. Conner: Stop it!
Darlene: I mean it!
D.J. Conner: I mean it!
Darlene: I'm gonna kill you!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you!
Darlene: Dad!
D.J. Conner: Dad!
Darlene: It's DJ!
D.J. Conner: It's DJ!
Dan Connor: [Reading the newspaper] What's he doing?
Darlene: I'm gonna kill him!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill him!
[Roseanne enters]
Darlene: Mum!
D.J. Conner: Mum!
Roseanne Conner: What's going on?
Dan Connor: Darlene's saying everything DJ says a second before he says it
Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] That's so immature
Darlene: He's driving me crazy, if he keeps doing it I don't know what I'm going to do
Roseanne Conner: Did you try banging your head against the table, maybe he'll knock himself out

"Roseanne: Goodbye, Mr. Right (#3.5)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: I worked it out with Becky, she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out
Roseanne Conner: Why would she do that?
Darlene Conner: I have dirt on her
Roseanne Conner: What kind of dirt?
Darlene Conner: Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home
[she leaves]
Darlene Conner: [Becky enters]
Roseanne Conner: What do you think your punishment oughta be?
Becky Conner: What do you mean?
Roseanne Conner: Darlene told me everything
Becky Conner: That little rat
Roseanne Conner: But I told her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story
Becky Conner: Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh
Roseanne Conner: You're getting good

Darlene Conner: [Darlene and Becky are cleaning DJ's room for Jackie to sleep in] Where am I supposed to put this junk?
Becky Conner: Just shove it under the bed
[Darlene puts it under the bed and pulls out two boxes]
Darlene Conner: What are these?
[she takes the lid off one of the boxes to see little doll heads]
Darlene Conner: oh my God
Becky Conner: What?
Darlene Conner: He's got a bunch of little heads, Barbie, GI Joe, aw Cher, the little runt's a psycho, what's he do cut their heads off and get rid of the rest of them?
Becky Conner: [takes the lid off the other box to see the doll limbs] No, this is very weird Darlene
Darlene Conner: What are we going to do?
Becky Conner: Just put everything back exactly where you found it
D.J. Conner: [enters] Hi, what are you doing?
Darlene Conner: Nothing, nothing, just cleaning
Becky Conner: We're just cleaning
D.J. Conner: Did you clean my closet?
Becky Conner: No, why?
D.J. Conner: No reason

Darlene Conner: Mum if DJ was doing something weird and I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away right?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah but he'd probably find his way back like you always do, what's going on?
Becky Conner: He's doing something really weird
Roseanne Conner: I'm so tired of this, I'm really, really sick of it, every time he does anything, you come down here squawking about it, I told you before he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does things differently, he's a boy
[they show her the box of doll heads]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, DJ's got a hobby
Becky Conner: Mother these are my old dolls!
Dan Conner: Oh geez he's not playing with dolls is he?
[Roseanne shows him the doll head]
Dan Conner: That's a relief
Darlene Conner: You don't think this is insane?
Dan Conner: Well this one kind of looks like Darlene, she put up quite a bit of a struggle
Darlene Conner: You guys are sick!
Roseanne Conner: He does thing's differently
Darlene Conner: Alright but when we finally do end up having to lock the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

Darlene Conner: [upset that Roseanne is ignoring D.J.'s bizarre behavior] Alright, but when we finally do end up locking the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

"Roseanne: Aliens (#4.25)" (1992)
Dan: [on the phone, sucking up to a banker/friend; he covers the mouth-piece and asks Roseanne] Which one's the genius?
Roseanne: The little-one, Katie.
Darlene: The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

Darlene: Yo Mum, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?
Roseanne: Let's see, serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?

Roseanne: [Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school] Maybe there's a page missing.
Dan: He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note
[checks the other side]
Dan: no-one was hurt.
Roseanne: DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.
Darlene: That's where the big money is
[she stands up and gets her bag]
D.J. Conner: You're just jealous.
Darlene: You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

Darlene: Hey Mum, did you tell DJ to wash his hair?
Roseanne: Yeah.
Darlene: Oh well you should've told him to take his blazer off first.
Roseanne: Why does he do that!

"Roseanne: Lies My Father Told Me (#6.21)" (1994)
Darlene Conner: [DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him] Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.
D.J. Conner: Shut up.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Darlene Conner: Not if I kill you first.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.
D.J. Conner: She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!
Darlene Conner: How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

Darlene Conner: Only in our family can someone be nutcase for twenty years without anyone noticing.
Roseanne Conner: We notice, Darlene, we're just ignoring you.

David Healy: Darlene, I was reading if your grandmother is insane, there's a 1 in 3 chance you might be too. There's a test in here to find out. Question 1, do you put your shoes on one at a time or both at once?
Darlene Conner: Both at once.
David Healy: That was easy. What color is a dog barking?
Darlene Conner: Bright green.
David Healy: Green, bright green, that's good. Triangle, boat, or hat?
D.J. Conner: Triangle?
Darlene Conner: Boat.
David Healy: Right, so far so good.

Darlene Conner: [Dan's mom has been admitted to a mental institution and Dan has walked out on a conversation with Roseanne] Hey, mom, you know, he probably just doesn't feel comfortable talking to you because your mother never went insane. Don't worry. I'll talk to him.

"Roseanne: Darlene Fades to Black (#4.4)" (1991)
Darlene: Please, Mom, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone... Please.

Roseanne: [after yelling at Dan for being sexist, then arguing with Becky. Becky runs up the stairs, so Roseanne turns to Darlene] And you... What is it with you? All you do is just lay around that couch, staring at that stupid TV, one dumb rerun after another.
Darlene: [to herself] And I do it as well as any man.

Darlene: [Roseanne wants to know what Darlene's friend called about] She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.
Roseanne: Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?
Darlene: Nothing.
Roseanne: That's what you did last weekend!
Darlene: Yeah, well I'm not finished.

Roseanne: [Roseanne is trying to get Darlene off the couch by offering her a charge card to go buy some clothes with] Here's the card, just do it.
Darlene: What should I buy?
Roseanne: I don't know. Go, try to find something to blend in with the couch.
Becky: [not believing her ears] Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.

"Roseanne: Another Mouth to Shut Up (#8.20)" (1996)
David: [Darlene suggests that she and David get married] Oh my God!
David: [they kiss, pause] Wait a minute, ah-ha, okay; now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
Darlene: [cheerfully] Nope! Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

Darlene: [in shock] Pregnant? You mean like... pregnant?
Darlene: Yes David, you knocked me up.
David: How? When?
Darlene: When? Disney World!
David: Oh my God! You mean that night after the fireworks?
Darlene: Well, either that or it truely is a magical kingdom.

Darlene: Everybody's looking at me going 'oh *Darlene* is getting married?' '*Darlene* is having a baby?' I mean hell, even I said it.

Darlene: With summer school I'll still graduate on time, and the baby will be covered by David's medical insurance and I just put in for a copyright job I can do part time from home.
Roseanne Conner: Well... it sounds like you're way more prepared than I ever was.

"Roseanne: Nightmare on Oak Street (#1.15)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: So what is it?
Darlene Conner: [beat] I got my period, alright?

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] Now you get to be a part of the whole cycle of things.
[Darlene scoffs]
Roseanne Conner: You know, the moon and the water and the seasons. It's almost magical, Darlene and you should be really proud today 'cause this is the beginning of a lot of really wonderful things in your life.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, cramps.
Roseanne Conner: Well, I'll admit that's one of the highlights.

Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] I think after a good night's sleep, I'll feel better in the morning.
Roseanne Conner: I don't know how to tell you this, but you ain't gonna feel better for about 40 years.

"Roseanne: Brain-Dead Poets Society (#2.10)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: [Poem Darlene wrote for English, and had to read out loud on 'Culture Night'] To Whom it Concerns/ Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes, and stuck to her plate/ To Whom it Concerns/ My Mom made me write this/ But I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this/ To Whom it Concerns/ I lost my assignment/ Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement/ To Whom it Concerns/ Darlene's great with a ball/ But guys don't watch tomboys, when they're cruisin' the hall/ To Whom it Concerns/ I just turned thirteen/ Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen/ To Whom it Concerns/ I'm not made of steel/ When I get blind-sided, my pain is quite real/ I don't mean to squak, but it really burns/ I just thought I'd mention it/ To Whom it Concerns.

Darlene Conner: [about reading her poem aloud on Culture Night at her school] Mom, you can't make me go! And if you try and make me read my poem in front of the geekoid masses, you'll have to throw a net around me and drag me out of the house like a dead seal!
[Roseanne walks away]
Darlene Conner: Where are you going?
Roseanne Conner: To get the net.

Darlene Conner: [not wanting to write a poem for English]
Darlene Conner: I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high-school, so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job, and get out of this hell-hole town!
Roseanne Conner: But if you could be expressive, what would you say?

"Roseanne: Punch and Jimmy (#7.8)" (1994)
Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt.
Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Darlene: [nicely says 'Hi' to Jackie, turns to her mother and snarls] What are *you* doing here?
Roseanne: Well, it's Parent's Day, and your birth mother, Morgan Fairchild, couldn't make it.

Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt.
Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.

"Roseanne: White Sheep of the Family (#8.13)" (1996)
Darlene: What's wrong with this family.
Roseanne: Your father and I are really brothers.

Darlene: I thought I could come in here and talk to you like a human being, do you think that's possible?
Roseanne: Arf!

Darlene: This college thing is hard for me too you know. I'm surrounded by these rich kids that don't have to bust their asses because their daddies can bail them out if they fail.
Roseanne: Well, your daddy can't bail you out, and my daddy couldn't bail me out, but that just makes us stronger.

"Roseanne: Here's to Good Friends (#1.8)" (1988)
Darlene Conner: [about Betsy Ross] She was born, she sewed a flag, she died, I can't write four pages on that!

Darlene Conner: And the forecast is for snow!
Roseanne: Did you do your homework?
Darlene Conner: Snow!
Roseanne: Do your homework.

Darlene Conner: [frustrated about a book report on Betsy Ross] I wish she'd sewn her fingers together.

"Roseanne: Crime and Punishment (#5.13)" (1993)
Darlene Conner: [to D.J] OK, you little freak! You're about to see your heart!

Darlene Conner: [after discovering DJ took her comic book to school] That's it. Hire a hearse, pick out a plot.

Darlene Conner: What happened to Aunt Jackie?
Roseanne: Well, some say environment, but I think she's born that way.

"Roseanne: Trick or Treat (#3.7)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: [a monster pops out] Give me a break
Becky Conner: Hey Mr Thompson
Monster: Hi girls

Darlene Conner: [About the Hall of Terror] That was even lamer than last year
Becky Conner: Yeah but did you see the cute Freddy Krueger guy checking me out?
Darlene Conner: Beck brain, there were a million Freddy Krueger's, which one are you referring to?
Becky Conner: The cute one

Becky Conner: Darlene you're not even ready, we could be leaving any minute now
Darlene Conner: [moans] I don't feel so good
Becky Conner: What's wrong?
Darlene Conner: My stomach, oh my God!
[an alien bursts out of her stomach]
Becky Conner: [unfazed] So what do you want? Some pepto bizmol or something?

"Roseanne: Snoop Davey Dave (#7.3)" (1994)
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne find out that Darlene has used drugs] Darlene, your Mother and I are going to have to think long and hard about what to do about this.
Roseanne: You are *not* going back to school!
Darlene: What!
Roseanne: That's it! End of discussion!
Dan: Well, we thought about it, and we've decided you're not going back to school.

Darlene: [Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use] Oh, come on, Dad, do you really think what I did was that bad?
Dan: Yes.
Darlene: Give me a break. You grew up in the '60s, I've seen the photo albums. I mean, those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.

Roseanne: [to Darlene, about drug use] I hope you weren't doing it ta - for some reason to, ah, rebel against me and your Dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.
Darlene: Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.

"Roseanne: I'm Hungry (#2.18)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: [to her parents] Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Darlene Conner: Oh right. Like *I* invented double dutch chocolate.
Roseanne Conner: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Dan Conner: Me too!
Darlene Conner: Twenty pounds?
Roseanne Conner: Okay, forty pounds,
[long pause]
Roseanne Conner: with each kid.
Dan Conner: Me too!

Becky Conner: Aunt Jackie, how come mom's so fat and you're so thin?
Jackie Harris: Genetics.
Becky Conner, Darlene Conner: [look at each other] Oh my God!

"Roseanne: Two Down, One to Go (#6.1)" (1993)
Darlene: Wow, my Mom's a big tramp!

Darlene: Uh, Mom, can I talk to you a minute? I need to ask you a really big favor.
Roseanne: Well let's see... I let you go to art school, and I let your boyfriend move in, oh yeah, and I gave you... life. Yeah, I guess I owe you one.

Darlene: [why Darlene doesn't want her Mother to take her to college] Because she's just going to go psychotic when we get up there and she sees I've got my own life now! You know she's going to rag on everything: my school, my apartment, my roommate!
Dan Conner: Yes! Yes! She absolutely will! And every time she slams you, you'll know she's suffering! And the only way your Mother can deal with pain, is to spread it around!

"Roseanne: Hair (#2.17)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [around the dinner table] Actually I, I was kinda celebrating. I got a promotion.
Dan Conner: Promotion? Promotion to what, 'shampoo girl'.
Dan Conner: [Roseanne gives him a look] What?
Roseanne Conner: ...Shampoo woman.
Dan Conner: I stand corrected.
Darlene Conner: You're a dead man.

Dan Conner: I meant to say '*Good* job'. Good job.
Roseanne Conner: No, it's not. It's not a good job, it's a degrading job, but nobody there makes me feel like it is.
[Stands up to leave the dinner table]
Roseanne Conner: That's *your* job.
[Roseanne walks to her bedroom; Dan follows]
Darlene Conner: Nice going, D.J.!
D.J. Conner: [loudly] What?

"Roseanne: Home Is Where the Afghan Is (#9.10)" (1996)
Beverly Harris: And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first!
[looks shocked at what she just said]
Darlene Conner-Healy: [after several reaction shots] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself!
D.J. Conner: Oh God!
[covers his face]
Nana Mary: I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.

Jackie Harris: How're you doing, Darlene?
Darlene Conner-Healy: Well I have morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the car window when you drive sickness, my rings don't fit, my shoes don't fit, my clothes don't fit, and if you have time to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand new hemorrhoids.
David Healy: Takes about 10 minutes.

"Roseanne: Dan's Birthday Bash (#1.9)" (1989)
Becky: ... Chip and his Mom are going to pick me up, and I have to figure out what to wear.
Darlene: Why don't you try wearing a bag over you head so they don't see the way you chew.
Becky: Shut up Darlene. You're just jealous because I'm dating, and you're flat.

Darlene: [explaining why Dan's not there] He yelled at Dwight and threw his hammer through the drywall.
Roseanne: [to Chip's mother] Well it *is* Saturday.

"Roseanne: Dances with Darlene (#3.23)" (1991)
Darlene: [repeating to Becky, her mother's comments about dresses Darlene is trying on for a dance, as they are walking back into their bedroom] It's too blue... Looks better on the hanger... Rhubarb with hair... Makes too much noise when I walk... It makes me look lop-sided.
Becky: [on the last dress, Darlene is speechless] Well you *do* look like Judy Jetson.

Dan: [about Darlene's date for the dance] Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

"Roseanne: Shower the People You Love with Stuff (#8.1)" (1995)
Darlene Conner: Where the hell have you been?
Becky Conner-Healy: [chuckles] Why does everyone keep saying that to me?

Darlene Conner: [refuses to help make food for the baby shower] If it was up to me, I'd just put out a fifty-pound bag of "old people chow".

"Roseanne: The Slice of Life (#1.18)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: Can't you guys just leave me alone? I don't need you there to watch me pitch.
Roseanne: Pitch, pitch, pitch. All she ever does is pitch.

Roseanne: Darlene, when are you gonna stop being such a smart mouth?
Darlene Conner: Mmm... three weeks from next Tuesday.

"Roseanne: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (#4.1)" (1991)
Crystal Anderson-Conner: [about Crystal's baby] Well, why won't he sleep? I've tried everything, even the washing machine.
Darlene: You put him in the *washing machine*?

Darlene: [to Roseanne] Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?

"Roseanne: Tolerate Thy Neighbor (#4.5)" (1991)
Becky: [helping Jackie study for her trucker's exam] What is the importance of proper weight distribution?
Jackie: To avoid being top-heavy.
Darlene: Huh, you don't have to worry about that, Aunt Jackie.

Jackie: Anybody want to ride in the truck?
Becky: Yeah, sure!
Jackie: Darlene?
Darlene: I don't think so.
Roseanne: Oh, go on Darlene. Get out of the house, it'll be fun! You can roll down the window, and spit into convertibles.
Darlene: Alright.

"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1991 (#4.10)" (1991)
Darlene Conner: How can I tell them what the problem is when I don't know myself?
Nana Mary: Darlene, you have to be patient with them.

Roseanne Conner: I made you a plate...
Darlene Conner: I'm not really hungry.
Roseanne Conner: Well good because I ate it an hour ago.
Darlene Conner: So... still not smoking?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah, I ate your pie too.

"Roseanne: Everyone Comes to Jackie's (#6.16)" (1994)
Becky Conner-Healy: [cracks up after hearing that David thought pregnant Jackie was trying to come on to him] That is soooo funny!... I mean, who would want to go to bed with some big ol' fat lady?
Darlene Conner: [a moment later, Darlene comes in the front door, hears the same story about David, and chuckles] Who'd want to sleep with some big ol' fat lady?

Roseanne: [Darlene, at Jackie's house where David is also staying, refuses to return home so Roseanne can torture her] Wrong, that is exactly why you're going back there. You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend.
Darlene Conner: Well obviously you've never *had* sex with my boyfriend.

"Roseanne: Sisters (#7.16)" (1995)
Roseanne: [Becky and Darlene are sniping at one another] Okay, so that's enough. Now, we have a wonderful, loving family, and you two little bitches are not going to ruin it. You're gonna be loving, caring sisters, just like me and Jackie.
Darlene: Fine.
Darlene: [to Becky] I'll sleep with every guy in town and you can gain 400 pounds.

Becky: Bitch.
Darlene: Skag.
Becky: Nice hair.
Darlene: Nice life.
Becky: Go to hell.
Darlene: Go to the mall.

"Roseanne: Two for One (#7.2)" (1994)
Roseanne: [walks into the basement bedroom, where Darlene and David are reading on the bed] You two *are* having sex!
Darlene: We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.

Roseanne: What are you doing meeting strange men at motels?
Darlene: No, you have it all wrong. I *meet* them at the truck stops, I *take* them to the motels.

"Roseanne: Second Time Around (#3.22)" (1991)
Jackie: [to Darlene] We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain *others* in this household, considering what happened to *me* yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love.

"Roseanne: Bingo (#4.13)" (1992)
[Darlene and Becky are babysitting]
Darlene: I'll feed, you wipe.

[Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying]
Darlene: Change his diaper.
Becky: I changed him already.
Darlene: Well maybe you did it wrong.
[In baby talk]
Darlene: Maybe you gave him a baby wedgie.

"Roseanne: The Wedding (#8.23)" (1996)
Darlene Conner-Healy: I need to walk down the aisle, are you ready to give me away?
Dan Conner: No I'm not.

Darlene Conner-Healy: David and I aren't going to miss out on anything, we're still young enough that we have plenty of time to...
Dan Conner: Oh no you don't, believe me, that's what your mom and I thought too.

"Roseanne: Playing with Matches (#5.21)" (1993)
Darlene Conner: [wants D.J. to keep his mouth shut about a secret he learned] Well, there's a couple ways we can deal with this. I could grab you by the ears and band your head against the wall, which is getting a little old; or, for the first time in your life, you can act like an adult, which is not going be easy with that haircut.

Darlene Conner: Not boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. I'm trapped in this house with my ex-boyfriend.
Dan Conner: Well, you should've thought of that before you ask him to move in here.
Darlene Conner: I'm only sixteen! Why were you listening to me?

"Roseanne: Mall Story (#1.16)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: Can I have a dollar for a cherry guzzle?
Roseanne: Didn't you bring money?
Darlene Conner: Yeah but I'm not spending it on food.
Roseanne: Well a cherry guzzle isn't food, it's toxic waste.

Darlene Conner: I think I'll go upstairs and lay down.
Becky: *Lie* down.
Darlene Conner: Shut up.

"Roseanne: Like, a New Job (#3.4)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: [Becky is deliberately blocking the TV] Becky, I can't see.
Becky Conner: Oh, I'm sorry Darlene. Am I in your way?
Darlene Conner: Well, we've got a 19 inch TV, and you've got a 25 inch butt!

Darlene Conner: [on the phone] Yeah! I'd love to... Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call... You wanna buy me dinner?... Oh, gee, what's in it for you?... Oh sure I put out, everybody knows that!
Roseanne Conner: Darlene, what are you doing?
Darlene Conner: Oh, don't worry Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

"Roseanne: Fathers and Daughters (#2.23)" (1990)
Dan: [Becky said that she isn't going to a dance with anyone special] Well what about Jimmy Mellon...spellon...ish?
Darlene: Meltrigger?
Dan: Yeah! Jimmy Meltrigger. I like him.
[Roseanne looks at him speechlessly, and Dan realizes that he's somehow goofed]
Dan: Well... there, you know, there was things about him I liked. Uhhhh, I didn't love the guy.
Darlene: Becky did... 'til he dumped her.
Becky: He didn't dump me!
Darlene: Get real! You hit the ground like a safe.

Roseanne: Darlene, hunny, you want to take a walk with me down to the store later on?
Darlene: Gee, I'd love to Mom, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.

"Roseanne: Workin' Overtime (#1.19)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: Rule number one, no painting in the house and rule number two, no animals in the house. Rule number three...
[a loud noise is heard]
Darlene Conner: Mom!
Roseanne Conner: No children in the house.

Roseanne Conner: [When Dan and Darlene come home] Where've you been?
Dan Conner: Standing in front of South Elementary gym for the last hour looking for your daughter.
Darlene Conner: Mom, I couldn't help it. The band room was locked.
Dan Conner: For 45 minutes? I thought you were kidnapped.
Darlene Conner: I wish I had been.
Roseanne Conner: Well, go up to your room and leave the window open. Maybe you'll get lucky.

"Roseanne: Homeward Bound (#6.7)" (1993)
Darlene: Yeah, D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary.

Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.
Dan Conner: Aw, God!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.
Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?

"Roseanne: Fender Bender (#2.21)" (1990)
Jackie: You know, us cops have a saying; "You never pull a dead man out of a seatbelt".
Darlene: So what, you just leave 'em there?
Jackie: Some cops do, I don't.

"Roseanne: Homecoming (#6.9)" (1993)
Becky: Darlene you just shouldn't let sex rule your life
Darlene: You know, thats the same speech mom gave me. Except you left out the part "... or you'll end up like Becky".

"Roseanne: Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? (#3.11)" (1990)
Becky: [trying to get their curfew extended with compliments] You look real nice, Mom.
Roseanne: Thank you. Eleven o'clock.
Darlene: [quietly to Becky] Not "nice", "thin". "Thin"!

"Roseanne: The Commercial Show (#4.19)" (1992)
D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in forty years.

"Roseanne: Satan, Darling (#9.7)" (1996)
Darlene Conner-Healy: Mom, is this normal? I'm so big and I'm only 8 weeks pregnant.
Roseanne Conner: Well I don't know how to tell you this but that isn't normal for 8 years pregnant.

"Roseanne: Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute (#7.25)" (1995)
[just after announcing to Dan, Roseanne, and Darlene, that he wants to spend a month in Europe with the graduation money his mother sent him]
Darlene Conner: [Darlene leaves the room, David follows] Hey, are you mad or something?
Darlene Conner: No, Pierre. I'm delighted that you're going to be in Europe all summer while I'm stuck in Lanford in "Château de Lard-ass".

"Roseanne: The Back Story (#4.15)" (1992)
Becky: [Jackie asks about Becky's job to change the dinner conversation subject] Oh. Um, well they moved me up to the express line.
Jackie Harris: [cheerfully] Really? Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Becky: Yeah, right. All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens. It'll slow you down.
Becky: [Roseanne laughs louldly from another room] Mother!
Roseanne: Well, it was funny, Becky.

"Roseanne: Trouble with the Rubbles (#3.21)" (1991)
Becky Conner: [after getting a ticket] I didn't know it was a handicapped parking space.
Darlene Conner: What did that little glow in the dark wheelchair not tip you off?

"Roseanne: Daughters and Other Strangers (#5.25)" (1993)
Roseanne: [Roseanne and Darlene bury the hatchet] So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest '93.
Darlene: Oh what a time we had!

"Roseanne: Somebody Stole My Gal (#2.4)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: [Darlene goes to answer the door bell] Hey, Darlene, you're on your best behavior.
Darlene Conner: [chuckles sarcastically] Yeah, right.

"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 2 (#9.24)" (1997)
Mark Healy: Get me a beer.
Darlene Conner-Healy: Get it yourself, slob!

"Roseanne: The Parenting Trap (#7.12)" (1994)
Becky Conner-Healy: [cheerfully bops downstairs and joins David and Darlene] Hey! What are you guys doin'?
Darlene Conner: Just a few seconds ago, he blew this whistle that only dumb blonds can hear.

"Roseanne: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (#4.3)" (1991)
Darlene: [everyone walks into the kitchen, except D.J; they discover a muttly dog standing in D.J.'s chair at the table, and eating cereal out of his bowl] What's this?
Roseanne: Dan, I told you we shouldn't let D.J. have that chemistry set.

"Roseanne: Canoga Time (#1.11)" (1989)
Becky: Why don't you just kiss my butt?
Darlene: Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!

"Roseanne: Death and Stuff (#1.21)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: [Darlene can't find her jeans] Well they didn't just get up and walk away.
Roseanne Conner: Well yours coulda...

"Roseanne: Bird Is the Word (#3.9)" (1990)
Darlene Conner: I can't believe it! The nerd flips the bird!

"Roseanne: Take My Bike, Please! (#4.2)" (1991)
Roseanne: [having a family meeting] Now, here's what I see. Nothing's getting done around here because nobody takes any responsibility for anything, ok? So from now on, Becky, I'm leaving you in charge.
Darlene: [grins sarcastically and raises her hand] I have a problem with that.
Roseanne: Tough.
Darlene: So I'm just supposed to do whatever she says?
Dan: We expect that you will listen to Becky the same way you listen to us.
Becky: [raising her hand] Um, now I have a problem.

"Roseanne: Secrets (#4.23)" (1992)
Dan: [sitting at the kitchen table with his poker buddies, talking to Becky and Darlene] Hey, pizza sounds great! You guys up for a pizza?
[poker buddies give a collective, "Yeah!", "Great!"]
Dan: [to Becky and Darlene] You guys go on back upstairs, and I'll... I'll order it, and I'll call you when it gets here.
Darlene: [to Becky] Oh, right. By the time he calls us, all that will be left is what's stuck to their shirts.

"Roseanne: Confessions (#3.12)" (1990)
Roseanne: Do you think that I, ahhhhhh, expect more out of Becky, than I do out of you?
Darlene: I don't know. I mean, it's like you expect 'Becky' things out of Becky. Like good grades.
Roseanne: Well, you know, I expect good grades out of you too, I just never get 'em.

"Roseanne: Wait till Your Father Gets Home (#5.16)" (1993)
Bev Harris: I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it.
Roseanne: Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room.
Darlene: Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?

"Roseanne: Morning Becomes Obnoxious (#8.21)" (1996)
Darlene Conner: [about Darlene's Grandma Bev, who wants to plan the wedding] All these wedding plans she's roped you in to, you got to tell her, "No"!
David Healy: Uh, I can't just say, "No!".
Darlene Conner: Well, can you say, "Ow! Quit it Darlene!"?

"Roseanne: Ladies' Choice (#5.8)" (1992)
Darlene: [Roseanne tells Darlene that Nancy is gay] Whoa! How did you find out? Did she tell you?
Roseanne: No. We saw the, "I'm a Big Ol' Dyke" bumbersticker on her car.

"Roseanne: The Monday Thru Friday Show (#1.12)" (1989)
Roseanne: Hey Darlene, you're late.
Darlene Conner: I know, I got hung up at school.
Roseanne: Well two people already's been calling lookin' for their newspapers,
Darlene Conner: [slams down her books] Damn!
Roseanne: Well, there's no need to cuss for hell's sake!

"Roseanne: Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down (#4.6)" (1991)
Roseanne: [run out of their room after finding snakes in their bed] Snakes bite and squeeze, this is going too far, Kathy's trying to kill us!
Becky Conner: [laughing] What're you talking about? Kathy's not trying to kill you.
Darlene Conner: Yeah, we are.

"Roseanne: Disney World War II (#8.18)" (1996)
Darlene: My brother and my boyfriend on the Dumbo ride and me without a camera to throw at them.

"Roseanne: Scenes from a Barbecue (#3.24)" (1991)
Darlene Conner: [Becky thinks Nana Mary is cheating] Becky, how can Nana cheat at cutting cards?
Jackie: [chimes in] It's her deck, Einstine.

"Roseanne: Party Politics (#6.3)" (1993)
David: [referring to Darlene] What's she doing here?
Darlene: [to Roseanne] You said David wasn't going to be around.
Roseanne: Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy. I know how much you, ah, hate him.

"Roseanne: This Old House (#4.18)" (1992)
Roseanne: [Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Darlene: [casually "explaining"] Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

"Roseanne: Promises, Promises (#5.22)" (1993)
Darlene: The only way I'm going to the prom, is if I can sit in the rafters with a bucket of pig's blood.

"Roseanne: A Second Chance (#9.18)" (1997)
Darlene Conner-Healy: [the doctor suggests a risky drug to stop her contractions] Unless one of the side effects is death, I'm taking it.

"Roseanne: Stressed to Kill (#4.9)" (1991)
Darlene Conner: [walks in on Dan and Roseanne] Don't mind me, just came to get the hamper. Continue with your foreplay.

"Roseanne: My Name Is Bev (#7.14)" (1995)
Darlene: [Darlene starts to leave the house, Roseanne demands her to get back in the kitchen where Beverly is making cookies] No way! You said David and Becky weren't going to be here. You didn't tell me I was gonna have to spend the afternoon baking with "Drunken Hines".

"Roseanne: The Test (#3.1)" (1990)
Becky Conner: You did forget, I can't believe it!
Dan Conner: [to Darlene] A little help.
Darlene Conner: [imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring]
Dan Conner: Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

"Roseanne: Dear Mom and Dad (#1.22)" (1989)
Darlene Conner: You guys think we don't get your corny, little sex jokes.
Roseanne Conner: Hey, you kids *are* our corny, little sex joke.

"Roseanne: Her Boyfriend's Back (#3.20)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: Weren't you going to take your brother to the movies?
Darlene Conner: It doesn't start for an hour.
Roseanne Conner: Well, walk really slow.

"Roseanne: Halloween IV (#5.7)" (1992)
Darlene Conner: [entering the living room dressed as a crow pecked Tippi Hedren] Well, what do you think?
Roseanne: Well it's nice to see you in a skirt again.

"Roseanne: Language Lessons (#1.4)" (1988)
Darlene Conner: D.J. broke my castle and now I'm going to fail history and it's all D.J.'s fault!
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, it's totally his fault that you put this off till the last minute.
Darlene Conner: But Mom...
Roseanne Conner: And it's totally his fault that you've been screwing around all year in history.

"Roseanne: The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father (#3.13)" (1991)
[Eddie's just given the family a VCR]
Becky Conner: All right, Grandpa!
Darlene Conner: A VCR, Beck; the Connor family leaps into the 80s!