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: Look, you know that I don't mean it when I do this, baby. I just, I'm going through a tough time now, okay? I... I won't... I won't talk like that again, I'll never say it again! Don't you love me! David Healy
: [near tears
] I can't keep doing this. Barbara Healy
: Okay... *Get out now*!
: [having just crawled into Darlene's bedroom window at two a.m., he sees Darlene wearing a t-shirt and comfy p.j. pants
] Is that what you sleep in? Darlene Conner
: Well, my pasties and g-string are in the wash.
: Alright, look. I have something to say to you, and it's real important that you don't interrupt me. Darlene Conner
: Wait, let me guess; "Darlene, you just don't understand. It's different for boys. It's gotta be now, I tell you, now!".
: Darlene, you hate it here! Give me one good reason not to run away. Darlene Conner
: Well, it'd make it a lot harder to look down on Becky.
: [deciding between hamburgers or pizza for dinner
] Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker. David Healy
: [Dan, D.J., Roseanne, and Darlene all stare
] Um, burger's good. Dan Conner
: My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted, and the men are victorious! Come, men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch "The Three Stooges" and we shall scratch ourselves.
[Dan walks proudly into the living room, followed by D.J
, Darlene Conner
: [Darlene and Roseanne glare at David, who hurries after the men
: [just had sex for the first time
] We did it! We finally did it! Darlene
: You're not going to, like, high-five me are you?
: [about their first time
] It was incredible, wasn't it? Darlene
: Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but I think we did pretty good.
: This is like, the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I can't turn it down. David Healy
: Fine. You just remember, you're leaving behind the guy who encouraged you to go to art school. You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to, and you're leaving him behind with your two huge, angry parents!
: [Darlene suggests that she and David get married
] Oh my God! David
: [they kiss, pause
] Wait a minute, ah-ha, okay; now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right? Darlene
] Nope! Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
: [in shock
] Pregnant? You mean like... pregnant? Darlene
: Yes David, you knocked me up. David
: How? When? Darlene
: When? Disney World! David
: Oh my God! You mean that night after the fireworks? Darlene
: Well, either that or it truely is a magical kingdom.
: I'm ok, I guess... It's kind of interesting having all your life's major changes happen all in one day. Roseanne
: Yeah, I think I can pretty much relate to that... I remember this- one Tuesday they cancelled Cardsharks, and, uhm, they introduced the chocolate chip cookie dough icecream the very same day. Wow!
: You know, big brothers are supposed to look out for their kid brothers, and like, help them, and do stuff with them. Mark Healy
: Well I'd a done stuff with you, but you don't like to do guy-stuff. David Healy
: I like to do guy-stuff! Who says, drawing isn't something guys do? Mark Healy
: D.J., who would you rather have for a big brother: me or Mark? D.J.
: You. David Healy
: [to Mark
] See! D.J.
: Because you can't beat me up like Becky and Darlene can.
: [going through the candy bowl
] This is all sugar in here. Roseanne Conner
: Not true, there're chemicals too.
: You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.
[gets fruit from the kitchen
] Roseanne Conner
: What the hell is that? Dan Conner
: Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper. Roseanne Conner
: That's unsanitary.
: How is everyone? Roseanne Conner
: They're fine, but I won't be until you take that tie off, I need it so I can shoot up.
: It says right on the brochure 'this is not a brainwashing camp'. Roseanne Conner
: Yeah and I put my correct weight on my driver's license.
] David Healy
: Mrs. Conner, have you seen this book? This is everything you need to know about your baby. Roseanne
: I don't need a book, I watch Kathy Lee. All I want is a book that'll teach my kid to kick her Cody's *ass*.
: Mrs. Conner, I know you want to compete with that new restaurant, but you can't have me draw little red hearts next to the chili-cheese fries and call it the light and healthy menu!
: Hey, you okay with all this? You know, staying here with my parents for a while? David Healy
: Are you kidding? I love it here. It's... never dull. Darlene Conner-Healy
: Well cool, because you know I just feel safe being near my mom right now, you know at least until the baby's bigger and stronger. David Healy
: Well, people in this house do tend to get bigger, don't they?
] Darlene Conner-Healy
: And you know, I think it'll be great for my dad too, he acts like 20 years younger when he's around the baby. That's got to be good for him after the heart attack and everything, right?
: [about staying home and raising Harris with Roseanne and Dan
] You know what this is, it's really tribal. Darlene Conner-Healy
: Tribal? Note to myself, I alone will teach the baby new words. David Healy
: No I just mean that Harris will get to start off her life in a real extended family. Darlene Conner-Healy
: Ah, I never thought about it like that. David Healy
: Darlene it's going to be so great, and it's very natural, it's like throughout history, that's how every child grew up. You know there wasn't day care or babysitters, there was just family. It's just perfect.
: [knocks on the door, Darlene answers, letting her in
] Your little brother is doing is again! Darlene
: I told you I'd take care of it and I did. Dee Jaaaaaay! Molly Tilden
: What are you calling him down here for? He'll never admit it. Darlene
: Oh, he won't have to. I put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope so he would be branded the deviate that he is. D.J.
: [comes downstairs with no shoe polish on his eye
] What do you want? Molly Tilden
: Brilliant plan. Darlene
] It shoulda worked. David
: [comes downstairs with black shoe polish on his eye
] Hey!... What?
[Molly is grinning, Darlene seeths with anger. A sign blocking the screen reads: DUE TO ITS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT NATURE, THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED
: [holding a piece of paper
] I, uh... I got this thing at school today. Roseanne Conner
: Oh, man, I hate things from school. The last thing was a note from the principal. It said D.J. was selling my bras.
: How're you doing, Darlene? Darlene Conner-Healy
: Well I have morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the car window when you drive sickness, my rings don't fit, my shoes don't fit, my clothes don't fit, and if you have time to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand new hemorrhoids. David Healy
: Takes about 10 minutes.
: You can't tell Darlene what to do. She's a big girl! Roseanne
] Compared to who?
: You're still eating meat? David Healy
: Look, come on, I tried to stop, okay? But I realized, I'm a carnivore. Darlene
: Well so are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.
: [Mark and David are reading their fortune cookies
] Mark, I think I got yours: deep thoughts run shallow.
: I am *not* sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.
: [Dan is sitting on the couch watching TV; David cuts it off
] Mr. Conner, when I was gone, I wasn't living with my mom... I was living with Darlene. It was a stupid thing to do, and I'm sorry. David Healy
: [Dan stands up
] Very sorry. David Healy
: [Dan towers over David stepping closer
] Aw, God, I'm sorry!
: How'ya doin', little brother? David Healy
: Fine. 'Cept, thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.
: Darlene, I was reading if your grandmother is insane, there's a 1 in 3 chance you might be too. There's a test in here to find out. Question 1, do you put your shoes on one at a time or both at once? Darlene Conner
: Both at once. David Healy
: That was easy. What color is a dog barking? Darlene Conner
: Bright green. David Healy
: Green, bright green, that's good. Triangle, boat, or hat? D.J. Conner
: Triangle? Darlene Conner
: Boat. David Healy
: Right, so far so good.
: [about Darlene's Grandma Bev, who wants to plan the wedding
] All these wedding plans she's roped you in to, you got to tell her, "No"! David Healy
: Uh, I can't just say, "No!". Darlene Conner
: Well, can you say, "Ow! Quit it Darlene!"?
: I'm not lying, Mrs. Conner, Darlene and I haven't had sex all summer. Roseanne
: Well, I wouldn't know anything about that, what, with being born yesterday.
[David sees Darlene crying after they broke up
: Are you crying? I didn't know you could do that.
: [referring to Darlene
] What's she doing here? Darlene
: [to Roseanne
] You said David wasn't going to be around. Roseanne
: Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy. I know how much you, ah, hate him.
: [Roger shows interest in Nancy
] I don't know, Roger, I don't think you're her type. Dan
: [pointing discretely at David to remind the guys that a young man is in the room, and they should be careful about what they say
] Guys, please. Roger
: Well, what kind of guy does she go for? David Healy
: The kind that wears a bra. She's into chicks. Deal the cards?
: [Jackie is upset because she just got divorced
] Come on, Jackie, who wouldn't want to go out with you? Jackie
: That's easy for you to say, you little frizzy-haired Pollyanna. You talk to me after a year of marriage. After you've taken up smoking just to shave a couple of years off your miserable life.