Dan Conner
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Quotes for
Dan Conner (Character)
from "Roseanne" (1988)

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"Roseanne: Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore (#1.20)" (1989)
Dan Conner: There's some things in life that we can't prepare for. No matter how much we think we're prepared, we're just not. And if we spend forever trying to prepare for them, then we're just wasting our time.

Jackie: [When Roseanne asks Jackie to pick up a couple of groceries]
[to Dan]
Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.
Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
Jackie: Thanks for the cash... stupid.

Dan Conner: A tornado is wild, untamed power. What's the word I'm looking for?
Roseanne: George Bush?

D.J. Conner: What's a tornado?
Darlene: Well, remember that part in "Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy's house went flying and she went spinning around and round and round?
D.J. Conner: Is our house going to spin around?
Dan: D.J., you know, that stuff you see on TV just gives you a sense of what's real. What's going to happen today is really real.

D.J. Conner: What about food?
Dan Conner: Good idea, D.J. Food. Canned goods, uh, fresh water...
Roseanne: Now, Dan, this is an emergency. We need real food like caramel corn and cheese puffs.

Dan Conner: We don't have to talk about this.
Roseanne: Well, yeah, we do, Dan. Maybe not now, but sometime we do.
Dan Conner: No, we don't.
Roseanne: Why not?
Dan Conner: Because nothing bad is ever going to happen.
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, you're right. "Roseanne Conner celebrated yet another birthday today. She was 264 years old."

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Come on out here. I want to show you the sky.
[he and Roseanne go outside]
Dan Conner: I was on the job site. The clouds started spreading out like india ink. It's kind of like "Close Encounters."
[a sound of thunder is heard]
Dan Conner: Oh, man. Look at that cumulonimbus.
Roseanne: Well, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Dan: [to Roseanne] Take a deep breath. You know what that smells like?
[puts a garbage can near Roseanne and walks away]
Dan: What's the word I'm looking for?
Roseanne: Garbage.

Darlene: This is so cool! Are we gonna have a hurricane?
Dan: No, baby. We don't get hurricanes this far inland.
Roseanne: Yeah, those coastal towns have all the fun.

Dan: I'm gonna call Fred and Beatrice. See if we can use their cellar as a storm cellar.
Roseanne: I thought we agreed to see less of them.
Dan: Honey, this is a disaster.
Roseanne: So was their last party.

Roseanne: Dan, I'm scared. I'm scared about Jackie. I'm scared about everything.
Dan: It'll be okay.
[gives her a quick pat on the back and walks away]
Roseanne: Well, thank God you always know the right thing to say.

Dan: [after Becky goes outside in the storm to get her animals] Becky, what the hell were you thinking about? You could have been killed?
Becky Conner: So could Pebbles and Bam-Bam. I gotta go get Waffles. He needs his medicine.
[is about to run off, but Roseanne stops her]
Roseanne: Hey, I don't care if Pancakes needs a pacemaker. You're not going no place.

Dan: [to Roseanne] Looks like we lucked out again, huh, kid?
Roseanne: Yeah. Well, think about it. If you were a tornado, would you want to come in this house?
Dan: [pauses to think] What is that, one of them zen riddles?

"Roseanne: Becky, Beds and Boys (#3.6)" (1990)
Mark Healy: Well, you think you can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?
Dan Connor: I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Roseanne Conner: We need to get a new bed!
Dan Connor: You mean a brand new bed?
Roseanne Conner: No. One some old person *died* in.

Dan Connor: Help me flip the mattress, come on Roseanne you've gotta get up
Roseanne Conner: Well you didn't tell me that was part of it

Darlene: [DJ is playing the Shadow game] Stop it!
D.J. Conner: Stop it!
Darlene: I mean it!
D.J. Conner: I mean it!
Darlene: I'm gonna kill you!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you!
Darlene: Dad!
D.J. Conner: Dad!
Darlene: It's DJ!
D.J. Conner: It's DJ!
Dan Connor: [Reading the newspaper] What's he doing?
Darlene: I'm gonna kill him!
D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill him!
[Roseanne enters]
Darlene: Mum!
D.J. Conner: Mum!
Roseanne Conner: What's going on?
Dan Connor: Darlene's saying everything DJ says a second before he says it
Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] That's so immature
Darlene: He's driving me crazy, if he keeps doing it I don't know what I'm going to do
Roseanne Conner: Did you try banging your head against the table, maybe he'll knock himself out

Becky Conner: He's just sitting out there, he thinks I'm ditching him
Dan Connor: Well let him make that long walk to the door and find out

Becky Conner: [introducing Mark to her family] Mum, Dad this is Mark, Mark my parents
Dan Connor: Hello, I'm Dan Connor, this is my wife Roseanne and of course the lovely Darlene
[Darlene opens her mouth and waves]

Dan Connor: [At the Lobo Lounge] Isn't that Becky's boyfriend, he's drinking, what the hell's he doing here!
Roseanne Conner: Where the hell you going!
Dan Connor: To say Hello
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, if you go over there, you'll get all mad and punch him or something
[They go over together]
Roseanne Conner: Hey remember us?
Mark Healy: Yeah
Roseanne Conner: Fine and you?
Mark Healy: I'm alright
Dan Connor: What are you doing here?
Mark Healy: Are we gonna have another one of your little chats?
Roseanne Conner: Chat this!
Dan Connor: Honey, honey
[Mark sits on a stool]
Dan Connor: You're only 18 right?
Mark Healy: Yeah well I've got a little piece of paper that says I'm 21
Dan Connor: How old are you when you're out with our daughter?
Mark Healy: Depends on the place
Dan Connor: I'm gonna ask you the question again and keep in mind you're talking to the girl's father
Mark Healy: Yeah, well you think you can stop me from seeing Becky huh?
Dan Connor: I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow
Roseanne Conner: Me too!

Dan Connor: We saw Mark tonight
Becky Conner: Where was he?
Roseanne Conner: Over at the Lobo, he was drinking, it may come as a shock to you but he has a fake ID
Dan Connor: We told him to stay away from you and you're staying away from him
Becky Conner: Oh my God, I can't believe this, why? I never went drinking with him
Dan Connor: And you never will
Becky Conner: This is so typical of you, you have to put your noses in something that's none of your business!
Dan Connor: You are our business
[they start arguing]
Dan Connor: stop with the attitude!
Becky Conner: He's the greatest guy I've ever met, you just don't like him and you're taking it on me!
[she goes upstairs]
Dan Connor: Remember a time when she was so sweet, so innocent, so loving
Roseanne Conner: I remember that time, I barely got to Thursday

Becky Conner: Okay I'm busted, I wasn't at Judi's, I was at Monica's, I know how much you hate her so I had Judy cover
Roseanne Conner: That's one
Dan Connor: Where were you?
Becky Conner: I told you Monica's, okay her parents weren't home
Roseanne Conner: That's two
Becky Conner: Two what?
Roseanne Conner: Two weeks grounded, you wanna go for three or are we gonna hear Mark?
Dan Connor: You lied to us, you never understood what you did, that's never gonna happen again
Becky Conner: I'm never going to see him again and thanks to my mother who made me call every 15 minutes, he's probably never going to want to see me again anyway
Roseanne Conner: Probably? What if he probably does?
Dan Connor: You put your mother and I through a lot of crap

Mark Healy: [Dan is having a dream that Mark is inside the laundry basket and Dan's sitting on top of it] Come on Mr Connor let me out
Dan Connor: [mimicking] Come on Mr Conner let me out
Mark Healy: I promise I won't see Becky again
Dan Connor: I promise I won't see Becky again
Mark Healy: There's no air in here
Dan Connor: There's no air in here
Mark Healy: I can't breathe
Dan Connor: Good
[he smiles]

"Roseanne: Goodbye, Mr. Right (#3.5)" (1990)
Dan Conner: You don't want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow, you want one that sounds Steppenwolf!

Gary Hall: [about the motorbike] I can still feel it
Dan Conner: It's supposed to feel that way
Roseanne Conner: [enters] Can I get you a cigarette or something?

Dan Conner: [acting like a kid to Roseanne] Gee Ma, we were just playing
Gary Hall: Lovely grass you've got Mrs Cleaver

Gary Hall: She's always doing this to me, I'll be at the Cineplex waiting for 40 hours and she's down at the station printing perps
Dan Conner: Does she really say that? Printing perps?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah she's really into all this police lingo, whenever I go over there she's always eyeballing a mug shot, grilling a dirt bag or frisking a biscuit

[Dan is acting like a hunchback]
Dan Conner: I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?
Roseanne Conner: Just put it anywhere Igor
Dan Conner: Maybe later you and me
Roseanne Conner: We'll see
Dan Conner: You're so kind
[kisses her hand]

Darlene Conner: Mum if DJ was doing something weird and I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away right?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah but he'd probably find his way back like you always do, what's going on?
Becky Conner: He's doing something really weird
Roseanne Conner: I'm so tired of this, I'm really, really sick of it, every time he does anything, you come down here squawking about it, I told you before he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does things differently, he's a boy
[they show her the box of doll heads]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, DJ's got a hobby
Becky Conner: Mother these are my old dolls!
Dan Conner: Oh geez he's not playing with dolls is he?
[Roseanne shows him the doll head]
Dan Conner: That's a relief
Darlene Conner: You don't think this is insane?
Dan Conner: Well this one kind of looks like Darlene, she put up quite a bit of a struggle
Darlene Conner: You guys are sick!
Roseanne Conner: He does thing's differently
Darlene Conner: Alright but when we finally do end up having to lock the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

Roseanne Conner: [about DJ's behavior] Dan you did stuff like that when you were DJ's age right?
Dan Conner: No, the boy's odd

Dan Conner: [Dan and Gary are forming a gang] We need to get you one of them biker names
Gary Hall: How bout Psycho?
Roseanne Conner: No, we're saving that for DJ

"Roseanne: Aliens (#4.25)" (1992)
Dan: [on the phone, sucking up to a banker/friend; he covers the mouth-piece and asks Roseanne] Which one's the genius?
Roseanne: The little-one, Katie.
Darlene: The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

Dan: [the following evening at the bike shop, after Mike Summers's visit to the Conner home; he walks in the door] Can I help you?
Mike Summers: Yeah, Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How are you doin'? Yeah, I'm meeting with small businessmen in the area, trying to get a sense of what their conse...
Roseanne: [Roseanne comes in from the back of the shop and sees him] Hey!
Mike Summers: Oh hell no!
[he turns and runs out the front door, with Roseanne hot on his tail]
Roseanne: Hey! Wait up!

Roseanne: [Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school] Maybe there's a page missing.
Dan: He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note
[checks the other side]
Dan: no-one was hurt.
Roseanne: DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.
Darlene: That's where the big money is
[she stands up and gets her bag]
D.J. Conner: You're just jealous.
Darlene: You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

Dan: [reading a note] Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice?
Roseanne: Aliens Dan, from outer space.
Dan: Oh,that makes a little more sense.
Nancy Bartlett: Did he say anything? Is there another woman?
Dan: No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.

Teacher: [to Roger] You don't have to be embarrassed, you did very well and whenever you do your very best, you're never a loser.
Dan: [quietly] Yeah he is.
Roseanne: Spell "goodnight" Roger.

Teacher: Your word is Monarch.
Dan: Piece of cake.
D.J. Conner: M-O-N-A-R-C-H, Monarch.
Dan: Too bad.

[about the motorcycle Dan sold for a hundred bucks less than he bought it for]
Roseanne: I know how hard you worked on it.
Dan: We'll screw the next guy over real good.

Dan: Remember our family motto: we're Conners, we gotta eat.

"Roseanne: April Fool's Day (#2.22)" (1990)
Roseanne: Hey, take my word for it. By midnight tonight, the taxes will be filed, and all this will be behind us; the tension, the anxiety, the *fraud*.
Dan: Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people.
Roseanne: Who were elected by even stupider people.

Roseanne: Let's just go down to the I.R.S., and ask them in person.
Dan: No, no, I can't, no way, no way. I can't go down to that building, it gives me the creeps. I just know... I'm gonna take one of those snotty little I.R.S. guys, and throw him through a window.

Dan: [to Roseanne at the I.R.S. office] Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?

Dan: Okay hunny, come on.
Roseanne: No! Dan. Uh, this stuff is impossible to understand! These laws and explaination of laws; no human being can really understand these things, you know! That's why you gotta go get some $200-an-hour lawyer to even explain the crap to you, you know, and I can't afford $200-an-hour!
Ed - IRS Office Clerk: [shouts] Hey, lady! We don't write the stinkin' laws! You got a complaint, talk to the idiots in Washington!

Roseanne: I mean, us people, the poor people, and us regular people, we're paying more taxes than the rich people, 'cause they got all the lawyers to figure out the loopholes! I wanna find loopholes!
[crowd cheers in agreement]
Dan: [Dan is backing Roseanne out of line, and towards the door. He talks to the crowd while Roseanne argues with the supervisor] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.
Roseanne: I mean, we give you our money, and you like, totally mismanage it worse than we ever could anyhow! I mean, the government is something like three trillion dollars in debt, I mean. I think I saw that on Donahue. It's like three tril... that would be like if you make $15,000 a year, okay, so you run up your Master Charge to, what, fifty grand, then can you even imagine, your monthly bill would be like $5,000 a month? I mean, it's insane. The whole thing is insane! I mean, someday us regular people, we ought to get smart, you know, and audit them!

IRS Office Supervisor: I'm sorry Ma'am. Uh, I didn't get your name.
Dan: [smiling] You don't need her name.
Roseanne: [Roseanne makes her way back up to the window] No, Dan... I'm... I'm not gonna... be intimidated by that little weasel.
Dan: Hunny, this isn't the unemployment office.
Roseanne: [walking through the line] No, no. I have nothing to hide. Excuse me, Rabbi.
[standing at the window, to the IRS Supervisor]
Roseanne: I am not afraid to tell you my name... It's Wagner!
[crowd applauds as she starts to leave, Dan whispers 'Mrs. Norris T' to Roseanne]
Roseanne: Mrs. Norris T. Wagner!

Dan: [to Jackie] You are really, *really* gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!

"Roseanne: Everyone Comes to Jackie's (#6.16)" (1994)
Dan: [David, who is banned from the house, gets caught in the basement making out with Darlene by Dan; Dan shouts, slinging him into a door] What's the matter with you, boy? Can't keep your pants on?

Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!
Roseanne: We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!

Dan: [Roseanne wants to take him to work, but he is angry with her] On second thought, I just might like to walk to work today.
Roseanne: Oh, you don't even like to walk to the car.

Dan: Roseanne, you've been saying it for years and I'm ready to agree with you; men are pigs.

Dan: Before she met David, Darlene was not the kind of kid who would lie about living with her boyfriend.
Roseanne: Before she met David, Darlene was 12.

Roseanne: You keep going on about this is David's fault, well Darlene was there too, Dan, it's not like David forced her to hide him out.
Dan: I know that guys can be very persuasive with girls.
Roseanne: Have you *met* Darlene?

Dan: I know that I was able to take advantage of you.
Roseanne: Yeah right.
Dan: Do you not remember our second date? You had gotten into a big fight with your mom and were all upset, I wasn't thinking about your feelings, I was thinking you were ripe for the picking.
Roseanne: My mom was in Indiana, there was no fight, I just made it up so
[fake weeping]
Roseanne: you could comfort me in my time of need.
Roseanne: The fact that I had my nightgown in my purse should've tipped you off!

"Roseanne: Trick or Treat (#3.7)" (1990)
Dan Conner: He's dressed up as a witch. Witches are girls
Roseanne Conner: This is the 90s, Dan, witches are women.

Dan Conner: Where've you been?
D.J. Conner: Scaring people.
Dan Conner: Yeah? Well you scared the heck out of me, I didn't know where you were.
D.J. Conner: You mad at me?
Dan Conner: ...Nah, you mad at me?
D.J. Conner: Nah.

Roseanne Conner: Darlene went as a pirate for 3 years.
Dan Conner: That was cute, this is different, if he goes out dressed as a witch, he'll come back with a bloody nose.
Roseanne Conner: That... is so stupid.

Dan Conner: [Defending Roseanne] Hey leave him alone!
Pat: What's it to you?
Dan Conner: He's my husband

Dan Conner: Arnie what you supposed to be?
Arnie Thomas: I'm Elvis' ghost man!

Dan Conner: [Walking through the Hall of Terror in his three stooges costume imitating, Joe, Larry and Curly] Quit breathing on me, I ain't breathing on ya, quit slobbering on me
[He walks past a coffin which a vampire pops out of]
Dan Conner: Hey Andy
Andy: Hey Dan

Dan Conner: [Dan's upset D.J.'s dressed as a witch] Why couldn't he have picked something normal like a vampire or a nice axe murderer?
Roseanne Conner: Like Lizzie Borden?

"Roseanne: Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down (#4.6)" (1991)
Jerry Bowman: [talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.
Dan: Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
Jerry Bowman: [chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.

Dan: [talking about their scaring Kathy] Damn good bladder control though.
Roseanne: Why thank you, I did laugh pretty hard.

Roseanne: [walks into the kitchen and sees Dan disemboweled, turns around and Roseanne corners her with a knife] What is it, Kathy? I've had a really bad day and now I've got to clean up all of this. You know, I don't know how many times I keep telling myself, it's just like gutting a fish. I swear I was much better with Becky's dad.
Kathy Bowman: Becky's dad?
Roseanne: Yeah, he was blonde too. Oh hey I know, you've got a garbage disposal, don't you?
Kathy Bowman: [cringing] Oh my God... I have to go home.
Roseanne: Oh no, you can't go, Kathy, you'll tell.
Kathy Bowman: [backing up] No I won't, I promise, please let me go!
[backs into Dan who's standing behind her, turns around]
Dan: Liver?
[Kathy screams and runs for the door]
Roseanne: Happy Halloween!
Kathy Bowman: [in shock] That was horrible! Horrible!

Roseanne: Our children remembered us on our favorite holiday.
Dan: God bless us one and all.

Roseanne: You know, Dan, I think we should've rehearsed our act more, I don't think they got that we were supposed to be dead.
Dan: [as Deadger Bergen] Well Morty, if it's any consolation, I'm sure they wish we were.

Dan: [as Deadger Bergen] Well Morty, here we are.
Roseanne: [as Mortuary Snerd] Is this hell?
Dan: [laughs] No Morty, this is Lanford.
Roseanne: Say, isn't that Arnie? I thought I told you to go to hell.

Dan: [as Deadger Bergen and his dummy, Mortuary Snerd, singing] Well I come from six feet under with a dead guy on my knee, I'm heading down to Hades for to spend eternity.
Roseanne: [singing] Hey there, Deadger, I think it's plain to see, we bought a cardboard casket and the worms have eaten me.

"Roseanne: The Driver's Seat (#6.11)" (1993)
Dan Conner: [about the dishes] Hey. Sorry those weren't done.
Roseanne Conner: That's okay, Dan. I know there wasn't time to do the dishes *and* fall asleep in a puddle of drool.

Jackie Harris: [upset that Roseanne spanked D.J., because her Dad used to beat her and Roseanne] That has *everything* to do with it! These patterns repeat!
Dan Conner: Well then you'd better look out, because my father used to *love* to hit his sister-in-law!

Leon Carp: [Dan wants to talk about Roseanne] No. No, I don't think so.
Dan Conner: Why not? What's the matter?
Leon Carp: Well, you're a rather large man, Dan, and if we discuss your wife, I could either say nice things, or I could be honest, and get my arms torn off.

Dan Conner: I know Roseanne can be a little difficult... oh hell, she idles at difficult.

Leon Carp: [Leon offers Dan a check to buy Roseanne out and get rid of her] See! I knew it! I knew it, you are gonna hurt me!
Dan Conner: Worse. For weeks I've been telling her that she's just paranoid about you, but I'm through defending you. From now on, you fight you're battles on your own... against Roseanne.
[long pause]
Dan Conner: May God have mercy on your soul.

[after Roseanne spanks DJ]
Dan Conner: Look, Roseanne, what you just did in there, it's not that big a deal.
Jackie Harris: Yes, it is. You're not helping, Dan. Look, I know what you feel like. You have gotta talk about this.
Dan Conner: Hey, she doesn't need you making something out of nothing.
Jackie Harris: You didn't grow up in our house.
Dan Conner: This is different! The kid had it coming. He could've killed himself!
Jackie Harris: She was out of control. It was just like Dad!
Roseanne Conner: Why don't you both just SHUT UP and leave me alone!

"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1992)
Dan: [cheerfully] Well, you know it just feels like one of those days that starts off with a hearty breakfast and ends with some guy on the news saying, "before he turned the gun on himself".

Becky: [to Dan and Roseanne] You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.
Dan: Boy! You are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?
Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it and it's all 'cause of you.
Dan: Excuse me?
Becky: If you knew how to run a business, he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
Roseanne Conner: Becky, you shut up!
Becky: Come on, Mother! You know it! Everybody knows it. I'm the only one with the guts to say it.
[storms out of the house]
Roseanne Conner: [after Becky has left the house] That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] So how'd it go at the bank?
Dan: Well, we chatted about the recession for a while, don't you know. Then I gave him my "things are bound to be better after the election" speech. Then they said, "You're four months behind on your first mortgage, three months behind on your second. We want our money by Friday. And here, Have a calendar."
[shows Roseanne the calendar]
Dan: Look. Kittens in a basket.

Dan: [to Becky and Darlene] Your mother and I have decided to close the bike shop. We're having a "going out of business" sale and then locking the doors on Friday.
Roseanne Conner: And I don't have a job, so that means no income.
[to Dan]
Roseanne Conner: How'd we do?

Becky: What's gonna happen to Mark?
Dan: He's a good mechanic. He'll find something.
Becky: You are gonna help him find another job, aren't you?
Dan: I don't have a job and your mother doesn't have a job, but we'll make Mark our first priority.

Dan: Morning, everybody. Great day to go belly-up, isn't it?

"Roseanne: Secrets (#4.23)" (1992)
Mark Healy: [drunk as a skunk, at the Lobo, and being picked up by Dan] You're okay Dan. You're my man. My man Dan. Dan the man. Dan, Dan, the Dan Man. Okay, now you do one with, ah, my name.
Dan: How 'bout this. Mark, Mark, you puke in my truck and I'll kill ya.

Dan: [sitting at the kitchen table with his poker buddies, talking to Becky and Darlene] Hey, pizza sounds great! You guys up for a pizza?
[poker buddies give a collective, "Yeah!", "Great!"]
Dan: [to Becky and Darlene] You guys go on back upstairs, and I'll... I'll order it, and I'll call you when it gets here.
Darlene: [to Becky] Oh, right. By the time he calls us, all that will be left is what's stuck to their shirts.

Dan: [about wives] Well, they lie to us too. Last year Roseanne smashed up the front of my truck, and swore it happened while it was parked at the mall.
Ray: Oh, that's an old one.
Arnie Thomas: Man, did you call her on it, Dan.
Dan: What, and waste all that guilt? To this day, when I mention how good my truck used to look, I get chocolate cake for dessert. If I squeeze out a couple of tears...
Dan: [finger snap, snap] Cool Whip.

Roseanne: [whining] I got a gold card in the mail the other day. It has a $5,000 limit; I was saving it in case we needed it.
Dan: What fish-brained company gave *us* a gold card?
Roseanne: Well, they ask you for your annual income, and your social security number. Maybe I switched 'em.

Dan: [after Mark calls Dan a friend for not telling Becky that he got drunk] Let me correct a few points here. I am Becky's father. By definition, therefore, not your friend. Secondly, I am your boss, which still makes me, not your friend. So in my official capacity as 'not your friend', let me tell you how it's gonna be here from now on. I ever catch you under the influence again, not only are you finished with Becky, you're out of a job.

Dan: I picked up the tab for those stitches.
Mark Healy: I'll pay you back.
Dan: Yes, you will. But until then, I own them... which means I can rip them out any time I want.

"Roseanne: Second Time Around (#3.22)" (1991)
Dan: [after a near miss with a wrecking ball on Dan's jobsite] I'm more embarrassed than anything else. I crawl out of that thing with my pants down around my ankles, I looked up, there's thirty people standing around staring at me.
Arnie Thomas: Man, and it was really an awkward moment. No one knew what to do. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.

Roseanne: What are you eating?
Dan: Salami and peppers.
Roseanne: What, one brush with death a day isn't enough for you?
Dan: I live on the edge. Want a bite?
[Roseanne shakes her head no]
Dan: Wuss

Dan: Honey, I think we should talk about this. I mean, what would happen if we both went at the same time, like in a plane crash.
Roseanne: [chuckles] We never go anywhere, Dan. A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.

Dan: [to Jackie] I'm on my way to work. Do you want me to give you a lift?
Jackie: No, I'm gonna get some breakfast first.
Dan: It is the most important mooch of the day.

Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain *others* in this household, considering what happened to *me* yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love.

Roseanne: [flashback to the moment of D.J.'s birth] What is it? What is it?
Dan: Five, five, five, five, *one*! Yes! It's a boy!

"Roseanne: Don't Make Me Over (#4.24)" (1992)
Dan: [the girls bought Roseanne a make-over on Mothers' Day in hopes she would let them go to a concert unchaperoned. Roseanne discovered their plan and was very saddened] First of all, let's just say that, you going away for a weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.
Becky: [in apathy] Well, it's unanimous.
Darlene: [sarcastically] Yeah, I guess that about wraps it up.
Dan: I don't think so.
Becky: Okay, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes.
[Darlene snickers]
Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode'; she's too busy crying her eyes out.
[the girls pause at this]
Dan: I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
Becky: [uncaringly] Oh, so now we're all supposed to apologize to you?
Dan: Shut up!
[to Darlene]
Dan: So I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought you were actually going to do something nice for her, you know, like you cared. And that would've been the very best thing you could've done for her today, and you just ruined it.
Darlene: Well, what should we do?
Dan: You're gonna make it up to her.
Becky: [solemnly] Alright, we'll think of something.
Dan: No, no, you had your chance... now it's my turn.
[Dan leaves as Becky and Darlene go silent]

Dan: [coming back from a road trip on his Harley with D.J] Big day for you, Deege. Learned how to shoot pool. You bowled your own weight. Found out you gotta spit sideways when your riding on a motorcycle. Sure beat TV, huh?

Roseanne Conner: I got a call from D.J.'s school today because he hasn't turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.
Dan: Why not?
Roseanne Conner: Well he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
Dan: [pause] Did I suffer?
Roseanne Conner: No, a sniper shot you.
D.J. Conner: I said I was sorry!
Roseanne Conner: Ever since he got that video game all he's been doing is goofing off.

Dan: We're going out to eat.
Roseanne Conner: No, I don't want to go out with those girls, I just want to eat and go to bed.
Dan: They're not coming, they're going to stay here. I'm punishing them, and eating my chili's just the beginning of the punishment.
Roseanne Conner: ...But they hate ME, right?
Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME. It's my Mother's Day present for you. Now go get dressed.
Roseanne Conner: Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe.

Dan: [sees Becky and Darlene's spa hairdos] My God, it's the Shirelles!
Becky: Who?
Darlene: Disco.

Dan: [to DJ] I want to talk to your Mum a second, go bug your sisters.
Roseanne Conner: [upset] Use real bugs.

"Roseanne: Two Down, One to Go (#6.1)" (1993)
D.J. Conner: There's cake in the fridge. Dad, make Mom give us cake.
Dan Conner: [adopting a hilarious hick attitude] Woman, my son here wants cake. So does your man. I'd better see me some cake fixin' goin' on here! Right now! I mean it! Don't make me come over there!
Dan Conner: [Roseanne and Jackie are cracking up. Dan switches back to a normal voice] Son, I just lost control of the house; it's every man for himself.

Dan Conner: [about Darlene's ride to college] You already told her David could take her.
Roseanne: Yeah, I know... but so what! You could *forbid* me to do that.
Dan Conner: [astonished] In what universe?

Roseanne: Please, Dan, please forbid me! I thought you were supposed to be the man of this house!
Dan Conner: *No you did not*!

Darlene: [why Darlene doesn't want her Mother to take her to college] Because she's just going to go psychotic when we get up there and she sees I've got my own life now! You know she's going to rag on everything: my school, my apartment, my roommate!
Dan Conner: Yes! Yes! She absolutely will! And every time she slams you, you'll know she's suffering! And the only way your Mother can deal with pain, is to spread it around!

Dan Conner: [to Darlene, separating her and her Mother] Your hair's going out the door. You might want to follow.

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Well, drive safe, and don't flip off anybody you can't out run.

"Roseanne: Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? (#3.11)" (1990)
Dan: [the girls missed curfew again] We said 9:00, we meant 9:00.
Roseanne: Yeah, 'cause see, we have this really crazy idea that you actually listen when we speak. And when you're not here by nine, we figure you have a reason, and if we're not hearing that reason from you, then we just sit here and make up our own reason, like that you're laying in a ditch somewhere
Becky: We would've called, but there was no phone in the ditch we were laying in... Ha Ha?

Dan: Whatcha doin'?
Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warrens house tonight.
Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
Roseanne: No! That was D.J.... Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Dan: [to the waiter] Yeah, 45 minutes for a rare steak; I'd ask for steak sauce, but I've gotta be at work Monday morning.

Roseanne: What was the second thing you noticed about me?
Dan: [chuckles at the memory]
Roseanne: What, what, what?
Dan: Ah, those big brown eyes. Like two chained Dobermans waiting to rip your leg off.

Dan: Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, Roseanne; there were plenty of guys standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.

"Roseanne: Stand on Your Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Arnie Thomas: [running from Roseanne] Call her off, Dan! Call her off!
Dan: You gotta appreciate my situation here, Arn. She's my wife. I gotta let her hurt ya.

Dan: Nancy's gay? Our Nancy? Arnie's Nancy?
Roseanne: Yes, and now Marla's Nancy.

Roseanne: He just looked like a regular lunatic, you know.
Dan: Could you be more specific?
Roseanne: Yeah, okay. He looks like the kind of guy Darlene's gonna bring home, and we're gonna have to call "Son".

Dan: Would you consider getting a gun for the diner?
Roseanne: Oh, there's a great idea. A loaded gun in the same room with my mother and my sister. What if they miss each other, and they kill a customer?

Dan: Damn it, Roseanne! You're not going to know some maniac's special tickle spot!

"Roseanne: The Parenting Trap (#7.12)" (1994)
Dan Conner: [about D.J] Ah, you mean he's at that age where on a sunny day, he can be laying on his back and tell time without wearing a watch.
Mark Healy: [frustrated] Naw, it has nothing to do with telling the time! I mean, the kid's getting erections!

Fred: [about ways he concealed an involuntary erection during puberty] I always found that nobody was any-the-wiser, if I just kept my shirt untucked.
Dan Conner: [thoughtfully] I occasionally employed that device myself. Usually, however, I took the more scholarly approach: put a book in front of it.
Fred: Yeah, a book was good. If you didn't have a book, you just had to stick your hands in your pockets.
Mark Healy: [chuckles] Well, that's usually how mine started.

Fred: [about puberty erections] You know, back at that age, it didn't even have much to do with girls. Damn thing would just pop up and say "howdy-do" for any reason.
Dan Conner: You know what usually set me off, was the vibrations on the school bus. All through junior-high, I dreamed of being a bus driver.

Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa! What's goin' on!
D.J.: [screams] Mom told me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
D.J.: [still screaming] It was about her having her period!
Dan: [pause] As you were.

Dan: [to the tune of "Dashing Through the Snow"] # Walking through the house/ Looking for a beer/ Open up the icebox door/ Oh my! There's one right here. #

"Roseanne: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker (#4.3)" (1991)
Chuck Mitchell: [Leon has just told the poker group that he's gay] W-W-Well, y-y-you know, um, I-I-I know a gay guy. I, uh, his name's Bill. H-H-He lives in Chicago. M-M-Maybe you know him?
Leon Carp: Yeah, yeah, sure I know him. From Chicago. Gay Bill.
Dan: Smooth, Chucky.
Chuck Mitchell: What? Nobody else was sayin' anything!

Dan: [about the dog D.J. brought home] He is cute.
Roseanne: Oh, yeah, well, you just fall in love with anything that licks your nose.

Dan: You know, I feel sorry for that little dog, nobody wants him. It's so pitiful.
Roseanne: That reminds me, I need to call Jackie...

Dan: [walks into the living room] Hey Hunny, why didn't you tell me Leon is gay?
Roseanne: [snarls] What difference does it make? You're all *pigs*!
[without a word, Dan makes a hasty retreat back to the kitchen]

Dan: Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!

"Roseanne: Crime and Punishment (#5.13)" (1993)
Dan Conner: You know, Deej, it's ironic. You're a kid, you're not supposed to have any problems. You go to school and they give them to you.

Dan Conner: [to D.J.'s school principal] Well, look I... I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read them in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature.
[looks at the book]
Dan Conner: My God! What kind of diseased mind could create something like this? Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where DJ got this, but you can be sure We don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children.
[to DJ]
Dan Conner: Where did you get this?
D.J. Conner: Darlene.

Dan Conner: Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.
Roseanne Conner: Well, who knows what they're about, you know? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Roseanne Conner: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan Conner: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne Conner: What'd he say?
Dan Conner: Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

Dan Conner: Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.

"Roseanne: PMS, I Love You (#3.8)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne has PMS] Are you sure?
Dan Conner: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years; every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
Dan Conner: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly plesant today.
Crystal Anderson: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly plesant"?

Dan Conner: [about Rosanne's PMS] There's gonna be a 24 hour coaster ride, with Sybil at the switch.

Crystal Anderson: [commenting to Jackie about her own PMS] Oh yeah, once I went around and busted a street light for every man who ever broke my heart.
Dan Conner: Yeah, I remember "The Great Black-Out of '84".

Jackie Harris: [trying to stop Dan] Dan, wait! No, you can't leave!
Dan Conner: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie Harris: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety... physical pain.
Dan Conner: And it's rough on your Mother, too.

"Roseanne: Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Hey. Coffee maker's broke again.
Roseanne Conner: So are we. So fix it!
Dan Conner: [reaching for the coffee-maker cord] I'm sorry, honey, I've done everything I can. We'll have to let go. I'm pulling the plug.

Becky: [to Dan] Dad, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not screwing up my life. I mean, Mark's got a great job, I'm gonna finish school while he works. And hey, I can go to community college in Minneapolis just the same as I can here.
Dan Conner: Right.
Becky: Mom is okay with this. Why can't you be? Come on! Things were so tough around here. I was just another mouth to feed. I thought I was doing you a favor by leaving.
Dan Conner: Don't do me any favors, Becky.

Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] Well, that was real pretty.
Dan Conner: I don't want to talk about it. Where are they sleeping?
Roseanne Conner: I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it.
Dan Conner: Where are they sleeping?
Roseanne Conner: They're sleeping in the girls' room, And Darlene's going in D.J.'s room.
Dan Conner: Perfect.
Roseanne Conner: Well, it was either that or let them go to some cheap motel where they'd actually enjoy it.

Dan Conner: [about Becky] She's 17 years old. I throw the punk out and we get this thing annulled.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, and then in two months on her 18th birthday, she goes and does the exact same thing again only this time she hates us, and we don't see her no more.
Dan Conner: So that's your brilliant plan? We do nothing?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah. Yeah, that is my plan. 'Cause this way, at least we get birthdays and we get holidays. Maybe we get a phone call once in a while, but you go up there and you do something stupid, Dan, we will lose her.
Dan Conner: No, I wouldn't want to go up there and do something stupid 'cause God knows she sure didn't! You know what's gonna happen? She's gonna get pregnant, she's gonna forget all about school. This is it! This is her life!

Roseanne Conner: What do you want to happen, Dan? You're screaming at me, okay? You're walking around here like some psycho. What exactly is it that you want to happen?
Dan Conner: I want my bike shop back. I want my daughter back. I want things back the way they were before I screwed everything up.

"Roseanne: I'm Hungry (#2.18)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [after being unable to zip up a pair of pants]
Roseanne Conner: We've gotta go on a diet.
Dan Conner: What's this *we* jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne Conner: [to Darlene] Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Darlene Conner: Oh right. Like *I* invented double dutch chocolate.
Roseanne Conner: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Dan Conner: Me too!
Darlene Conner: Twenty pounds?
Roseanne Conner: Okay, forty pounds,
[long pause]
Roseanne Conner: with each kid.
Dan Conner: Me too!

Roseanne Conner: We gotta go on a diet.
Dan Conner: What's this 'we' jazz? My pants fit fine.
Roseanne Conner: Well my pants don't fit me.
Dan Conner: Your pants don't fit me either.

Jackie Harris: [Dan comes in huffing] How'd the walk go?
Dan Conner: [out of breath] Good!
[picks up keys]
Becky Conner: Where're you going?
Dan Conner: Pick up you mom.

Roseanne Conner: [catches Dan eating ice cream] WELL, LOOK AT YOU!
Dan Conner: [quickly puts the ice cream away] Gotta go!
Roseanne Conner: I don't believe it! The very first week you agree to go on a diet, I catch you cheating!
Dan Conner: Excuse me, YOU agreed to go on a diet! Oh...
[Dan feels his head in pain and jumps like mad]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, ice cream headache - brain freeze, huh? Well, you deserve it! You go have some warm tap water!
[Dan does so]
Roseanne Conner: I don't even believe you, Dan! You DID say you'd do this with me! You said that, and don't try to deny it! And you were cheating just then, too, weren't you, Dan? So don't try to deny that, either! You did say we'd go on a diet; and we are gonna diet, I say let's stick to the diet. Eating potato chips isn't gonna help anything!
Dan Conner: Who's eating potato chips?
Roseanne Conner: What?
Dan Conner: You said potato chips. Who's eating potato chips?
Roseanne Conner: [pauses] Well, I meant ice cream.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but you said potato chips.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, I can't even believe you, Dan! Don't you try to turn this thing around on me!
Dan Conner: [suspiciously] I wanna see what's going on in this bathroom here!
Roseanne Conner: [dashes back into the bathroom] NO, I TOLD YOU I'M TAKING A BATH!
[slams the door at Dan's face]

"Roseanne: The Test (#3.1)" (1990)
Becky Conner: You did forget, I can't believe it!
Dan Conner: [to Darlene] A little help.
Darlene Conner: [imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring]
Dan Conner: Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Dan Conner: [discussing the kids] None of them look like me.
Roseanne Conner: That won't stand up in court, Dan.
Dan Conner: Damn.

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Roseanne Conner: There's not going to be a next time. I'm going to get myself fixed.
Dan Conner: What, you mean surgery?
Roseanne Conner: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together.

Dan Conner: Word of advice from a man okay? Don't say a word until you do the test. You don't want to upset the guy if you don't have to.
Roseanne Conner: I was saying that very same thing, you know. I was saying if it does come up positive, the best way to do it is short, sweet, and right to the point. You know, kinda like, I'm pregnant, Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary.
Roseanne Conner: Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary.
Roseanne Conner: Dan.
Dan Conner: Gary!

"Roseanne: Workin' Overtime (#1.19)" (1989)
Dan Conner: Where'd you find a flower this time of night?
Roseanne Conner: The cemetery.

Dan Conner: [while he's on the phone ordering pizza] Give me a large deluxe with everything including anchovies.
D.J. Conner: No anchovies.
Dan Conner: [on the phone] Just a minute.
[to DJ]
Dan Conner: What do you want on your pizza?
D.J. Conner: Pineapple.
Dan Conner: Pineapple? This ain't a luau, Don Ho.

Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] Hey, I heard about the overtime. How long?
Roseanne Conner: I don't know. Two weeks maybe.
Dan Conner: Oh, man. That's really gonna be tight. I gotta finish roofing that garage, plus I got two driveways to pour. Plus Dwight says they might a drywall job lined up for me.
Roseanne Conner: Plus we gotta live through it.

Dan Conner: Hey, Becky. Get in here. We gotta discuss something.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, God. This ain't the Ward Cleaver speech, isn't it?

Roseanne Conner: [When Dan and Darlene come home] Where've you been?
Dan Conner: Standing in front of South Elementary gym for the last hour looking for your daughter.
Darlene Conner: Mom, I couldn't help it. The band room was locked.
Dan Conner: For 45 minutes? I thought you were kidnapped.
Darlene Conner: I wish I had been.
Roseanne Conner: Well, go up to your room and leave the window open. Maybe you'll get lucky.

"Roseanne: Tooth or Consequences (#5.24)" (1993)
Dan: I'm watching the TV to look for job ideas. So far, I've got it narrowed down to 'weather man', 'spokesmodel', 'Time-Life operator', 'Psychic Friend', and the one I think I've got the best shot at... 'Cast Away'.

Dan: [about why Dan takes a job that he doesn't consider to be a 'dream job'] Hunny, when I can't afford to keep my wife in teeth, I know it's time to become an adult.

Roseanne: [about Dan's new job] A job with the City! Three hundred and fifteen sick days a year... plus Flag Day!
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne high-five] Good paying, medical insurance, and the best part is; since it's civil service, no matter how much I screw up... they can't fire me!

[last lines]
Dan: Ah, man. This parenthood thing sure doesn't look like it did in the brochures.

"Roseanne: It's a Boy (#5.19)" (1993)
Roseanne: [Roseanne tells Dan that she's letting David move in after all] Well, I didn't do it for Darlene; she's the last person I want to make happy. I did it for David! I couldn't leave him there.
Dan Conner: That's what you said when we found that lost puppy on the highway. I don't want this to wind up like that. I don't wanna have to put David to sleep.

Roseanne: Dan, I saw what David lives with, and I - I just couldn't leave him there. He deserves to move in with a stable family.
Dan Conner: Gee, can I come too?

Darlene Conner: [to David] Alright. Well, I guess I'll show you your room in the basement.
Dan Conner: I don't think so. First of all, there will be no holding hands. There will be no looks across the room. There will be no touchy-feely, there will be no hanky-panky, there will be no smoochy-woochy. And there will be none of that other stuff you're not supposed to know about.
Darlene Conner: Can we still date?
Dan Conner: If you want, but I don't see much point.

Roseanne: [deciding between hamburgers or pizza for dinner] Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.
David Healy: [Dan, D.J., Roseanne, and Darlene all stare] Um, burger's good.
Dan Conner: My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted, and the men are victorious! Come, men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch "The Three Stooges" and we shall scratch ourselves.
[Dan walks proudly into the living room, followed by D.J]
Roseanne, Darlene Conner: [Darlene and Roseanne glare at David, who hurries after the men] Pizza.

"Roseanne: Deliverance (#4.22)" (1992)
Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
Dan: Well apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: Well, yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: You know, I suggested that, but she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: You're kidding!
Dan: Then she started cryin'... and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan: [in the kitchen at dinner time] Where's Darlene?
Roseanne: Oh, well, her and David had a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
Dan: What's he doing here?
Roseanne: Well, I'd already invited him, and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped the coin until he won.

Crystal: [in labor] This better be a girl! It better be a girl!
Dan: Oh, come on Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
Crystal: The hell I will!

Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me!

"Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey (#5.23)" (1993)
Dan: Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now, you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

Dan: Ah man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.

Dan Conner: I never thought I would say *this*... I'm too depressed to drink.

Chuck Mitchell: [yells] Oh! Oh! You trying to say I don't know anything about construction?
Dan Conner: [yells back] No! Everybody puts a fuse box in the *shower*!

"Roseanne: Take My Bike, Please! (#4.2)" (1991)
Roseanne: [on the phone with the bank about a loan payment check she "forgot" to sign] ...Oh, oh you need the signature, I didn't know that... Ok, well let me tell you, I'll ah, leave here right away, I'm on my way, I'm in, I'm in a big hurry, and I'll be there in a couple of minutes... Okay, thank you.
[hangs up]
Dan: What are you going to tell them once you get down there?
Roseanne: How can I think about that now, Dan, when my tire blew, and I'm stuck in a ditch on route 49?... Coffee?

Roseanne: [having a family meeting] Now, here's what I see. Nothing's getting done around here because nobody takes any responsibility for anything, ok? So from now on, Becky, I'm leaving you in charge.
Darlene: [grins sarcastically and raises her hand] I have a problem with that.
Roseanne: Tough.
Darlene: So I'm just supposed to do whatever she says?
Dan: We expect that you will listen to Becky the same way you listen to us.
Becky: [raising her hand] Um, now I have a problem.

Dan: [to Becky, about being in charge of D.J. while her parents work late] And you will take care of your brother. You'll make sure that he washes himself, and that does his homework.
Roseanne: [wagging her finger] Yeah, and you make sure that he eats, too. Now, I'm gonna weigh that little boy every night... and if he looses more than two pounds, it's your butt! You got that?

Roseanne: Well, Dan, I tried everything I could think of today to sell a bike; I lied, I pushed, I nagged.
Dan: Well, you went with your strengths, dear.

"Roseanne: Halloween - The Final Chapter (#8.5)" (1995)
Roseanne Conner: [after the birth] I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?
Dan Conner: No more than usual.

Dan Conner: [during a seance, gets up and starts singing] Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.
Roseanne Conner: Oh it's Elvis! Elvis, Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson.
[Dan hits himself in the head with a frying pan]

David Healy: You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.
[gets fruit from the kitchen]
Roseanne Conner: What the hell is that?
Dan Conner: Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.
Roseanne Conner: That's unsanitary.

Trick or Treater: [to the Connors] You are nice nice nice. Thanks, Happy Halloween!
Roseanne Conner: I wish I had a daughter like her.
Dan Conner: Just wasn't in the cards, hon.

"Roseanne: Fights & Stuff (#8.25)" (1996)
Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out.
Roseanne: I think they turned out great
Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids!
Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!

Dan: [Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!
Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did.
Dan: You didn't throw away a thing.
Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.

Roseanne: Oh, I see. It's my fault, that you don't have any kind of relationship with your family. God, you are pathetic! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?
Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people!
Roseanne: Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!

Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration?
[the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor]
Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch!
[he flips the coffee table over]
Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV!
[she smashes a toy through the TV]
Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothin'
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.
[she storms out]

"Roseanne: The Wedding (#8.23)" (1996)
Beverly Harris: Why did it have to be an outdoor hippie wedding?
Dan Conner: Because the moon's in the 7th house?

Darlene Conner-Healy: I need to walk down the aisle, are you ready to give me away?
Dan Conner: No I'm not.

Dan Conner: Everybody always thinks there's plenty of time, believe me, there isn't.

Darlene Conner-Healy: David and I aren't going to miss out on anything, we're still young enough that we have plenty of time to...
Dan Conner: Oh no you don't, believe me, that's what your mom and I thought too.

"Roseanne: War and Peace (#5.14)" (1993)
Darlene Conner: [grinning] Well, well, well!
Dan Conner: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan Conner: What are you doing here?
Darlene Conner: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always picture yourself on the other side of those bars.

Dan Conner: [to Darlene] Morning. Where is everybody?
Darlene Conner: Mom went to the supermarket and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.
Dan Conner: What about D.J.?
Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.

Jackie Harris: It's just really humiliating, though, you know because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you.
Dan Conner: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Dan: [Dan's in jail] I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

"Roseanne: It Was Twenty Years Ago Today (#5.20)" (1993)
Dan Conner: [to D.J. in the Big and Tall store] Why don't you go join those other kids over there playing in that pant leg.

Dan Conner: [store manager of Maury's Big and Tall tells Dan that the job he is offering will only be 'till June] Perfect, 'cause I'd shoot myself if I had to work here longer than three months.

Dan Conner: [on the phone with his new boss] Aw, man, no. I can't work Saturday night, it's my anniversary... Well, sure I want to keep it, but... No. I'll be there... No, don't worry, my wife will understand... Uh, just one thing. Could you swing by in a ski mask and drag me off at gunpoint?

Dan Conner: [after scolding D.J. for being insensitive] So Jim, about our customers, who's like the biggest, fattest guy you've ever seen?

"Roseanne: White Men Can't Kiss (#7.9)" (1994)
Chuck Mitchell: So, what's with the extra poker game this week? Did Roseanne finally come to her senses and leave ya?
Dan Conner: Believe me, if Roseanne left me, you'd all be a lot prettier, and the opening bid would be two panties.

Dan Conner: I hate white people.

Dan Conner: He was raised in Lanford, it's 5% blacks, and kissing's a new thing for him. It's only natural that D.J. wouldn't be as comfortable kissing a black girl as one of his own, I did not say that!
Roseanne: Well at least now I know where he gets it from.
Dan Conner: I am not a bigot.
Roseanne: Yeah and neither's your father, he says he doesn't have any problem with the coloreds.
Dan Conner: I am not my father.
Roseanne: If I had known you'd be passing your family's crap onto my kids I wouldn't be having another one with you.

Dan Conner: Is it because she's black?
D.J.: You'll be mad if I say yes.
Dan Conner: No we won't.
Roseanne: Yes we will!

"Roseanne: Dear Mom and Dad (#1.22)" (1989)
Dan Conner: [making out a shopping list, since Roseanne's parents showed up unannounced] Let me see if I got this straight. We need milk?
Roseanne Conner: Milk.
Dan Conner: Eggs?
Roseanne Conner: Eggs.
Dan Conner: Bullets?

Bev Harris: [to Roseanne about Dan] What kind of list is he making? Not that it's any of my business.
Dan Conner: A hit list.

Roseanne Conner: If my parents move to Lanford, I am gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life, because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing 'em away!
Dan Conner: Hunny, hunny, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.

Roseanne Conner: [stuck sleeping on cots, they talk about the possibility that Roseanne's parents might move to Lanford] Seriously, Dan, what are we going to do?
Dan Conner: Well, I'd say let's sleep on it... but who could sleep! You know, if you knew how to stand up to your parents, we wouldn't be lying here right now.
Roseanne Conner: What is that supposed to mean? And I'm warning you, that fireplace poker's within reach!

"Roseanne: Be My Baby (#6.5)" (1993)
Dan: [Roseanne and Dan are trying to get pregnant] You know, I've been thinking... when this kid graduates high school, I'll be sixty.
Roseanne: Well, it's one of our kids, Dan, so you'll probably be more like sixty five or seventy.

Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He's hast'a sit on the bed with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.
Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.

[first lines]
Dan: [Roseanne is on the bed holding her legs in the air] Rosie... what are you doing this time?
Roseanne: I'm directing your sperms where to go.
Dan: Please. I think my *boys* know their way around a fallopian tube.
Roseanne: I don't know, Dan, I think they're getting old, I hear 'em wheezing around in there.

"Roseanne: Nightmare on Oak Street (#1.15)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: I was up all night ghostbusting.
Dan Conner: D.J. have a nightmare?
Roseanne Conner: I don't know, I was too busy with Darlene.

Dan Conner: I had this recurring dream in broad daylight. I had this mug with a little airplane design on it and every time I'd drink from it, the engine would start up and it would get closer. And I swear this is true, the propeller went up my nose.
Roseanne Conner: You're scary.

D.J. Conner: [to Dan while wearing hairclips in his hair] Dad, how do I look?
Dan Conner: Beautiful.
D.J. Conner: Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful.
Dan Conner: Damn beautiful.
D.J. Conner: That's better.

"Roseanne: Good Girls, Bad Girls (#5.10)" (1992)
Ty Tilden: Ah man... daughters. They oughta come with a handbook.
Dan: Yeah, so you can smack 'em with it.

Dan: [Dan is upset because Darlene is late coming home from a rock concert] I'm going back outside. I want to stand in the middle of the street where the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is you call.
Darlene: It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

"Roseanne: Somebody Stole My Gal (#2.4)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: [about their relentlessly annoying, needy visitor] He's a human being.
Dan Conner: [angrily] You got proof of that?

Burt Drucker: Dan, Roseanne, this has been the best night, the best weekend of my life. And I want to thank you in the only way I see fit... I'm leaving.
Dan Conner: Burt. Don't... don't toy with us.

Dan Conner: I had a dream last night, I was on my way to Oz with DJ and Toto, the Wicked Witch looked in her crystal ball, Burt Drucker was one of the flying monkeys.

"Roseanne: Punch and Jimmy (#7.8)" (1994)
Dan: [about babies] Yeah, they kinda loose that new-car-smell after a while, don't they?

Dan: [to Fred] David doesn't want the kind of girl a motorcycle will attract. If you don't believe me, take a good, long, look at Mrs. Conner.

Dan: [David wants Dan to leave him alone, but Dan can't] Well I gotta good reason. And that good reason is barreling right towards this house right about now, about seventy miles an hour in a 55 zone, slurping a Big Gulp.

"Roseanne: The Slice of Life (#1.18)" (1989)
Dan Conner: [to Roseanne] I don't know how you remember all this stuff.
Roseanne: What stuff?
Dan Conner: Like when Darlene had the mumps.
Roseanne: Well, because she had the mumps the same time D.J. and Becky had the mumps, Dan. You don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.

Foreign Man: [to Jackie] How are you, my wife? Is okay?
Dan Conner: You better take him up on it, Jackie. That's liable to be your last proposal.

Roseanne: I ask one little question and nobody can answer me. I asked, "What's going on with my kid?" That's not a stupid question. That's a question that deserves an answer. It's a question any human being has a right to know. Well, what's going on with my kid?
Dan Conner: Tell 'em, kiddo.
Dr. Bryce: Mr. and Mrs. Conner...
Roseanne: Is Darlene all right?
Dr. Bryce: She's fine.
Roseanne: So what am I yelling about?

"Roseanne: Tolerate Thy Neighbor (#4.5)" (1991)
Dan: [about a statue Roseanne bought from the robbers] Oh here, take the pooch, Jer. Roseanne was going to return it anyway, but this way, you get it back in one piece.
Jerry Bowman: Thanks, thanks, but uh, Kathy sorta had this idea that we should start a neighborhood watch.
Dan: Well, I thought that's what happened, Jer; you got robbed, and the neighborhood watched.

Jerry Bowman: Dan, uh, Kathy wants to put up an electric fence.
Dan: An electric fence won't do you no good, Jerry. They're not gonna rob you again.
Jerry Bowman: Well, it's not for burglars, it's for Roseanne.
Dan: Electricity won't stop her, Jer, I've tried. Not much of a swimmer, though; you might wanna build a moat.

Dan: [admiring a dalamation umbrella stand Roseanne brought home] You done good, hunny. This is a great piece of crap.

"Roseanne: Canoga Time (#1.11)" (1989)
Jackie Harris: [Examining a rock concert t-shirt] I don't remember getting this.
Roseanne: I think you got that the same night you got that hissing viper tattoo.
D.J. Conner: You have a tattoo? Can I see?
Roseanne: You're too young.
Dan Conner: Oooh, can I see?
Roseanne: You're too eager.

Dan Conner: That's my Canoga Beer Cuckoo clock.
Roseanne: You mean the one where the drunk bear comes out every hour and burps?
Dan Conner: That's the Canoga Bear. And he doesn't burp, he growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Burps.
Dan Conner: Growls.
Roseanne: Dan, he pops out of there with his beer mug. The belching bear goes!

Dan Conner: Listen to this.
[sets clock to the hour, then sings]
Dan Conner: Any time's the perfect time for a Canoga Beer! The bear's the one to have friends and fun, so have a Canoga Beer! Ca-no-ga!
[Bear comes out of the clock and burps]

"Roseanne: Inherit the Wind (#2.1)" (1989)
Dan Conner: [Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?
Darlene: Not all of her. If I were you I would check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Crystal Anderson: I heard about Becky's accident, I'm so sorry.
Roseanne: Yeah, we're thinking of having her put to sleep.
Crystal Anderson: I got her a card.
Roseanne: How touching, and strange.
[later, to Dan]
Roseanne: You know they say there's a card for everything, what do you want to bet?
Dan Conner: [reads the card] I'll be damned.

Roseanne: [seeing Becky come home from school] Hey, I thought you had pep squad today.
Dan Conner: Well, it must be serious. She's not taking phone calls.

"Roseanne: One for the Road (#2.14)" (1990)
Dan Conner: All right, Becky, what happened?
Roseanne Conner: And try telling the truth this time.
Becky: Look, it was no big deal. We had a couple of tornadoes.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, it was no big deal, huh? How come you lied?
Dan Conner: Who made them?
Becky: I made them.
Roseanne Conner: I want to know right now. Is this a new thing or a regular thing?
Becky: I've never done it before.
Roseanne Conner: Is that the truth?
Becky: [annoyed] Yes! What is the problem? You guys drink all the time!
Dan Conner: First of all, we don't drink all the time. Second of all, we're not talking about us!
Becky: Look, I have one drink and you guys act like I'm an alcoholic! Oh, quick, I'll call the 800 number!
Roseanne Conner: We are your 800 number, Becky. And if you got a problem, you better tell us about it right now.
Becky: We were bored. we were looking for something to do.
Dan Conner: You want something to do? Find me, I'll give you something to do!
Becky: I guess I just wasn't thinking.
Roseanne Conner: For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!
Becky: Mom, everything I do, everything I feel, it's always, "Well, she's 14". I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Oh, well she's 37."
Roseanne Conner: [after a pause] 36 and a half.
Becky: Whatever.
Dan Conner: You know, Becky, you're gonna find that when people drink, they mostly do it for the wrong reasons.
Becky: [sarcastically] So, what are the right reasons?
Dan Conner: Honey?
Roseanne Conner: You're grounded!

Roseanne Conner: [after finding out Becky is drunk, to Darlene] What the hell went on here? Did you get in the liquor when you were playing the records?
Becky: [as Darlene hesitates, solemnly] I was playing the records.
Dan Conner: Wait a minute... Darlene, I thought you said you were playing the records.
Darlene Conner: Well, yeah. I mean... I got them out, but Becky was actually playing them.
Karen Hudson: Who was the bartender?
Darlene Conner: [to Becky] Wasn't it that girl who was over here studying with you?
[Karen glares at Darlene who smiles]

Roseanne: [to Mrs. Hudson] Well, I'm sorry I wasn't here to keep an eye on whatever the hell went on here yesterday.
Karen Hudson: I'm sorry too. I've got a 14-year-old girl at home with a hangover.
Roseanne: Well, maybe you should go home and take care of her.
Karen Hudson: Maybe you guys should shell out a few bucks and get a lock on that liquor cabinet.
Dan Conner: Thanks, but I think we know how to run our own household.
Karen Hudson: Yeah, well, don't expect to be seeing my kid around here anymore.
[leaves the house]

"Roseanne: Guilt by Imagination (#6.8)" (1993)
Jackie Harris: [Roseanne, angry, grabs her keys and leaves the house] Oh God. This is really bad.
Dan Conner: Yeah, I know.
Jackie Harris: Oh no. I mean, this is *really* bad. I'm parked *behind* her.

Jackie Harris: Remeber how nuts she went when she found out what you guys did in high school?
Dan Conner: Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put her through that again, *are* we?
Jackie Harris: No, of course not. Dan, Roseanne is very sensitive about this... and we know how dangerous she is when she gets sensitive.

Phyllis Zimmer: [discussing their affair in high school] Roseanne ever find out about us?
Dan: Yeah.
Dan: [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.

"Roseanne: Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do (#4.17)" (1992)
Dan: [talking about Becky's date, Dean, the transition guy] Well, at least I'll know what to do when this happens with Darlene.
Roseanne: Look how cute you are!
[Jackie laughs]
Dan: I hate this.
Jackie: [as Dan leaves the room] Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue.
Roseanne: Yeah, it's like somebody moved his food dish.

D.J.: I thought it was good to be a man.
Dan: Oh, no. Not since the late 60's, son.

Dan: [about Dean] You KNEW this guy was dead from the minute he walked in here?
Roseanne: Yeah! Why do you think I tried to unload the salt-free chips on him?

"Roseanne: Darlene Fades to Black (#4.4)" (1991)
Tommy: [first time looking into buying a motorcycle, sits on a bike] This is great!
Dan: Yeah.
Roseanne: [yelling with Becky in the back of Dan's bikeshop about Becky getting a scooter] I said *No*!
Becky: Give me *one* good reason!
Roseanne: Because bikes *kill*, okay Becky! I mean, just ask your Aunt Jackie! When she was a cop, she used to scrape kids like you off the street all the time! And don't think a helmet's gonna help either! Alls that does is catch your brains after they fall out of your skull!
Dan: [after customer overhears fight, and runs out the door] Don't forget to tell your friends about us.

Roseanne: So how much can we get for this here scooter?
Dan: I don't know, a couple hundred bucks. It's well built, low mileage, good engine. It's a good little scooter.
Roseanne: Well, let's haul it out there to the showroom floor!
Dan: No... I don't want it out there with the *real* bikes.

Dan: [Darlene is laying on the couch, where she has been for some time. Dan walks up and hold a mirror under her nose] Just checking.

"Roseanne: Playing with Matches (#5.21)" (1993)
Dan Conner: [trying to get rid of company] We're out of coffee, Bev, I think we're out of coffee. Yeah, we're out of coffee, and tea, there's no tea. Come to think of it, we don't have anything to eat or drink in the house, and we're out of toilet paper.
[slumps into a chair to emphasize how tired he is]

Dan Conner: David, you better tell us what you're fighting about.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, 'cause it's no fun 'til we can take sides.

Darlene Conner: Not boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. I'm trapped in this house with my ex-boyfriend.
Dan Conner: Well, you should've thought of that before you ask him to move in here.
Darlene Conner: I'm only sixteen! Why were you listening to me?

"Roseanne: Stressed to Kill (#4.9)" (1991)
Roseanne: I am an obsessive compulsive addictive mess, Dan! I can't do anything just a little, I find something I like and I totally overdo it: eating, smoking, thank God for birth control.
Dan Conner: Amen.

Roseanne: The problem is just me, Dan. I blame the kids, I blame money, but it's all bull. I am just weak.
Dan Conner: [coyly] That's why I married you, because you're so weak and frail.

Dan Conner: [walks Roseanne into the bedroom] Tell me what happened.
Roseanne: Oh, then I called Leon a big doodie-face and he sent me home.
[collapses face down on the bed]
Dan Conner: [sprawls over her and massages her back] Did you smoke?
Roseanne: No. I did however eat seven thousand pickle chips.
Dan Conner: Thanks for the warning.

"Roseanne: Fathers and Daughters (#2.23)" (1990)
Dan: Amazing! 200 miles away, and your parents can still ruin a weekend.

Becky: [while at the mall with her Dad, Becky runs into friends, and Dan lets her take off with them] Hey Dad... Thanks for, you know.
Becky: [they hug] I love you.
Dan: Yeah, I know.
Dan: [opens his wallet] But here's a ten spot for saying so.

Dan: [Becky said that she isn't going to a dance with anyone special] Well what about Jimmy Mellon...spellon...ish?
Darlene: Meltrigger?
Dan: Yeah! Jimmy Meltrigger. I like him.
[Roseanne looks at him speechlessly, and Dan realizes that he's somehow goofed]
Dan: Well... there, you know, there was things about him I liked. Uhhhh, I didn't love the guy.
Darlene: Becky did... 'til he dumped her.
Becky: He didn't dump me!
Darlene: Get real! You hit the ground like a safe.

"Roseanne: Language Lessons (#1.4)" (1988)
Dan Conner: Rosie, is my chili too bland?
Roseanne Conner: Absolutely not! Your chili is just like you: hot and spicy!

Dan Conner: What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.
Jackie Harris: Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.
[seething, Dan leaves the room]
Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] You really must come over more often.

Roseanne Conner: You knew when you married me that I had a sister.
Dan Conner: Yeah, well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, hell, I didn't think *I'd* be here every weekend.
Dan Conner: You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
Dan Conner: I'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in the...
[Sees Roseanne mockingly hold up a pair of his boxer shorts with little red hearts]
Dan Conner: Put those down.

"Roseanne: Life and Stuff (#1.1)" (1988)
Dan Conner: Do you regret marrying me?
Roseanne Conner: Every second of my life.

Dan Conner: You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!
Roseanne Conner: Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

"Roseanne: I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep (#6.22)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: [to D.J.] Where have you been going everyday after school? And remember, God will punish if you lie!
Dan Conner: Roseanne...
Roseanne Conner: Hey we got it, we may as well use it.

D.J. Conner: [confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne Conner: Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.
D.J. Conner: Okay. What religion are we?
Roseanne Conner: I have no idea. Dan?
Dan Conner: Well... my family's Pentecostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.
D.J. Conner: So what do we believe?
Roseanne Conner: Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.
Dan Conner: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

"Roseanne: The Dark Ages (#5.3)" (1992)
Dan: [the electricity has been shut off, and the Connors are trying to entertain themselves by telling stories] But I bet your Mom could make up a good one, couldn't you, honey?
Roseanne: Oh, okay, let's see. Um, ah! I got one, okay. Well, once upon a time there was these four princesses, and they lived in this great big house all together and they never left, okay? And uh, they just sat around all the time talking and talking, and yammering and yammering. And they killed every single man who ever came over there, except for one who they kept as a pet. And then one time these two princesses left, and then these other two came on and they really stunk, and...
Darlene: Mom, that's "Designing Women".

Darlene: Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
Dan: [pause] I don't think that'll work.

"Roseanne: Hair (#2.17)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: [around the dinner table] Actually I, I was kinda celebrating. I got a promotion.
Dan Conner: Promotion? Promotion to what, 'shampoo girl'.
Dan Conner: [Roseanne gives him a look] What?
Roseanne Conner: ...Shampoo woman.
Dan Conner: I stand corrected.
Darlene Conner: You're a dead man.

Dan Conner: I meant to say '*Good* job'. Good job.
Roseanne Conner: No, it's not. It's not a good job, it's a degrading job, but nobody there makes me feel like it is.
[Stands up to leave the dinner table]
Roseanne Conner: That's *your* job.
[Roseanne walks to her bedroom; Dan follows]
Darlene Conner: Nice going, D.J.!
D.J. Conner: [loudly] What?

"Roseanne: Less Is More (#4.16)" (1992)
Becky: [on the phone with Mark, describing a problem with her car] No, my father already fixed it,
[directing the comment in her father's direction]
Becky: that's why I can't get it out of the driveway.
Dan: [from the kitchen table] Car doesn't have to run for you to live in it little girl.

Roseanne: [sitting on her hospital bed] Dan, we've got a private room.
Dan: Good deal!
Roseanne: Want to fool around?
Dan: [looking shocked] In the *hospital?*
Roseanne: [while operating the bed controls, making it go up and down] Yea look it, the bed goes up and down, you wouldn't have to do nothing.
[smiles flirtingly]

"Roseanne: Vegas (#4.7)" (1991)
Dan: [Roseanne accuses him of ruining their last attempt at a vacation to Las Vegas] Oh, right, I made it snow. I closed down O'Hare International Airport. I have that power!

Dan: You want to just take off and leave the kids?
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!

"Roseanne: Trouble with the Rubbles (#3.21)" (1991)
Dan Conner: [in the tent with DJ telling him a story] The police knew the killer was crazy. At night he'd look for young unsuspecting campers, and as he crept upon them, he would whistle
Dan Conner: and then he'd HACK them to pieces with a machete.
D.J. Conner: Can I have a machete?
Dan Conner: No.
D.J. Conner: Well? Did they ever catch him?
Dan Conner: Yeah once, they handcuffed him, but he hacked off his own hand to survive, and now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims, and drag their lifeless bodies along the bloody ground.
D.J. Conner: What happened to the machete?
Dan Conner: You can't have one! Anyway, the police have been looking for him for days, he was last seen right here in Lanford.
[a whistle is heard, gasps]
Dan Conner: What was that?
D.J. Conner: What?
Dan Conner: [a shadow of a person with a hook is on the wall of the tent] The whistling killer! Don't make a sound, we'll be safe!
Roseanne: [thrusts in a plastic pirate hook] Arrrrrrrrgh!
D.J. Conner: Mom, I thought you were bringing us something to eat.
Roseanne: [withdraws the hook and thrusts it back in with donuts on it] Arrrrrrrrgh. Well, did we scare ya, Deej?
Dan Conner: Yeah, he was scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.

Roseanne: [going to talk to Kathy about letting Todd camp out with DJ] Alright, tell him another story, I'll be right back.
Dan Conner: [to DJ] Did I ever tell you about the killer who walked around with his own head in a bowling ball bag?

"Roseanne: Mommy Nearest (#5.4)" (1992)
Roseanne: [Roseanne's Mom is moving nearby] Dan, she needs to be near her family now!
Dan: No she doesn't! She may thinks she does right now, but after a few months and I have to kill her, she'll realize how wrong she was!

Jackie: [Dan is drooling over the check his Mother-in-Law gave Roseanne] She's just trying to buy us, Dan. Can't you see that?
Dan: Yeah, I think she hit my price... Actually, she coulda had me for half.

"Roseanne: Lovers' Lane (#1.6)" (1988)
Dan Conner: Five bucks a piece for them little beggers. That's a lot of money.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, but you know, look at it this way: for five bucks, they're out of our hair all night.
Dan Conner: Well hell, let's give them each a hundred, maybe they'll move to Cleveland.

Dan Conner: Oh come on Rosie, you know girls always go for guys who remind them of their Fathers.
Roseanne Conner: Not if they listen to their Mothers.

"Roseanne: Dan's Birthday Bash (#1.9)" (1989)
Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
Roseanne: Oh you mean that 19 year old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
Dan: You noticed.
Roseanne: Noticed hell, I made sketches.

Dan: Babe, I ain't the man I used to be.
Roseanne: Yeah, but you know, Dan, you were never the man you used to be.

"Roseanne: Daughters and Other Strangers (#5.25)" (1993)
Dan: You're acting like a crazed psychopath.
Roseanne: [snorts] Well the voices in my head disagree.

Dan: [on getting married] I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.
Roseanne: No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing *you* ever did, but we're talking about *me* now!

"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1994 (#7.10)" (1994)
Dan Conner: Hey Roseanne, isn't there a phone call you wanted to make before it gets too late?
Roseanne Conner: Oh yeah.
[to Nana Mary]
Roseanne Conner: You know the holidays are the busiest times for us phone sex girls.

Dan Conner: I thought we decided that if there was a serious problem, that we would deal with it, we talked about this.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah but everything's different now.
Dan Conner: Why?
Roseanne Conner: Because I'm pregnant.
Dan Conner: So you're saying you want to have this baby, no matter what?
Roseanne Conner: No, I'm just saying this is a much more complicated situation than I ever thought it would be.

"Roseanne: A Stash from the Past (#6.4)" (1993)
Dan Conner: I put it away twenty years ago when we quit.
Roseanne Conner: We quit? I just thought we were out.

D.J. Conner: I forgot my sleeping bag! Where is it?
Roseanne Conner: Oh, you know it's behind the house, past the yard in that building where your father always is with the tools and the car!
D.J. Conner: Thanks, Mom!
Roseanne Conner: Oh my God. I'm, like, the worst mother on the face of the Earth.
Dan Conner: No, you're not.
Roseanne Conner: Yes I am, Dan. I don't even know where I sent my kid. Say he falls down or something and breaks one of his organs and he needs a transplant, but I can't give him any of my organs because they're all full of pot!

"Roseanne: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (#4.1)" (1991)
Roseanne: [Dan is embarrassed when he walks in on Crystal nursing her baby] Oh, now, Dan. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.
Dan: Crystal's my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?

Roseanne: [at the bike shop] Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control.
Roseanne: [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

"Roseanne: Don't Make Room for Daddy (#6.17)" (1994)
Dan: [to Mark, who thinks the women are wrong] Little something I think you oughta know. Women live longer than men, so in the end... they're never wrong.

Dan: [relieved not to see Roseanne anywhere, turns around] Ahhh...
[sees Roseanne]
Dan: Hey!
Roseanne: Ahh hey to you too!

"Roseanne: Call Waiting (#9.1)" (1996)
Dan Conner: I'm just dying to kiss you.
Roseanne Conner: You think your heart can take it?
Dan Conner: Well if not, it'll be a hell of a way to go.

Dan Conner: I'm going to start taking better care of myself.
Roseanne Conner: Good, because I'm really gonna yell at you if you don't.
Dan Conner: Are you really gonna yell at me... from here, or from Jackie's?
Roseanne Conner: Well... it's more fun here.

"Roseanne: Snoop Davey Dave (#7.3)" (1994)
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne find out that Darlene has used drugs] Darlene, your Mother and I are going to have to think long and hard about what to do about this.
Roseanne: You are *not* going back to school!
Darlene: What!
Roseanne: That's it! End of discussion!
Dan: Well, we thought about it, and we've decided you're not going back to school.

Darlene: [Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use] Oh, come on, Dad, do you really think what I did was that bad?
Dan: Yes.
Darlene: Give me a break. You grew up in the '60s, I've seen the photo albums. I mean, those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.

"Roseanne: Suck Up or Shut Up (#6.13)" (1994)
Dan Conner: Oh... we've... just... gotta have *that* kid over more often. He makes our other kids... less odd.
Roseanne Conner: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to... Elijah Minelli.

Dan Conner: [reassuringly] Aw, come on, Mark. Roseanne's not going to kill you! Not with all the questions surrounding the death of Becky's first husband.

"Roseanne: Nine Is Enough (#7.1)" (1994)
Dan: [about kicking Becky and Mark out] It's time that they moved out on their own. They'll never leave unless we push them. Now you know I'm right.
Roseanne: Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle.
Dan: Fair enough - we won't visit 'em.

Dan: [to Darlene] You don't take your father's lady shaver without asking.

"Roseanne: Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#3.15)" (1991)
Dan Conner: [Roseanne and Jackie are standing outside the front door and overhear Dan and Becky shouting at each other. Dan storms out the front door, putting on his coat] This whole marriage, family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.
Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] Damn, I lose more husbands that way.

Roseanne Conner: [at the dinner table] So Becky, somethin' wrong with your food?
Becky Conner: Oh, you mean you hid some *food* under all this *slop*?
Roseanne Conner: Hey, I stuck that in the microwave, pressed power, pressed time, pressed start, and this is the *thanks* I get?
Becky Conner: Uck, God, nobody could eat this crud.
Dan Conner: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not going to get any crap for dessert.

"Roseanne: Girl Talk (#7.4)" (1994)
Dan Conner: It's going to take years of us guys not talking to each other to get back to where we were.
Roseanne Conner: Well why don't you all cut your tongues out? We know Fred's not using his.

Dan Conner: You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral... oh my God...
Dan Conner, Fred: We know too much, we know too much.

"Roseanne: Sisters (#7.16)" (1995)
Dan Conner: [to D.J] Eating cardboard can ruin your life. You could end up in the street, living in a box. Then you'll eat the box, and you'll be homeless.

D.J. Conner: [Dan tells D.J. to quit hanging around Jackie's so much] Doesn't Aunt Jackie like me anymore?
Dan Conner: Of course she does, it's just that sometimes, some adults like your aunt Jackie... we just miss you around here! What do you want to go over there all the time for anyway?
D.J. Conner: I have to.
Dan Conner: What do you mean you have to?
D.J. Conner: Well, Darlene and Becky are sisters, and Mom and Aunt Jackie are sisters, and David and Mark are brothers, Mom's new baby's going to be a girl, so I'm going to be the only chance of a brother Andy will have.

"Roseanne: Home-Ec (#3.16)" (1991)
Dan: [to the father of a kid who was beating up D.J. at school] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a donut to kick your butt.

Dan: Roseanne, what's going on here? Who are all those girls?
Roseanne Conner: Why they're ours, dearest, don't you remember?
Dan: My God, how long have I been asleep?

"Roseanne: The Monday Thru Friday Show (#1.12)" (1989)
Dan: [about Becky's loud music] Would you please turn that down? I'm trying to watch the game.
Becky: I'm trying to learn Biology.
Dan: Well, all you need to know about Biology is that the head bone's connected to the neck bone, and the neck bone's going to be broken unless you get up there and turn that down.

Roseanne: What are you smiling at, hot stuff?
Dan: Well, wait a minute. What's this in my pocket? It could be. It might be. It is. Holy cow, it's a honeymoon! Why, yes, it's paradise.
Jackie: Ohh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.

"Roseanne: Scenes from a Barbecue (#3.24)" (1991)
Becky: [about Mother's Day] Well, what about us? I don't remember us getting, like, a Kid's Day.
Dan Conner: Someday, my precious angel, you will be a parent and you will realize that *every* day, is Kid's Day.

Dan Conner: [trying to get off the phone] Oh look, D.J.'s hair is on fire. I gotta... Yep, uha...

"Roseanne: Rear Window (#7.13)" (1995)
Dan Conner: What're you doing?
Roseanne: [on her way to the bathroom] Well my unborn daughter and I are going to have a little puke party.

Dan Conner: [looking at the neighbors naked] I hope I don't look like that when I get old.
Roseanne: I hope not too Dan, because that's the wife.

"Roseanne: Promises, Promises (#5.22)" (1993)
Roger: Oh, everybody has that doubtful little voice inside their head, but sometimes you've just got to ignore it.
Dan: Well, my little voice is extremely loud, and could deny me sex.

Nick: [Roger shows interest in Nancy] I don't know, Roger, I don't think you're her type.
Dan: [pointing discretely at David to remind the guys that a young man is in the room, and they should be careful about what they say] Guys, please.
Roger: Well, what kind of guy does she go for?
David Healy: The kind that wears a bra. She's into chicks. Deal the cards?

"Roseanne: A Second Chance (#9.18)" (1997)
Dan Conner: Is Roseanne here?
Jackie Harris: No she drove Darlene to the hospital, she wasn't feeling well.
Dan Conner: Is something wrong?
Jackie Harris: No, just indigestion I think.
Dan Conner: Did Roseanne know I was coming over?
Jackie Harris: Actually, I think that's WHY she volunteered to drive Darlene.

Dan Conner: [standing on the front porch in the cold] We should put a porch swing up here.
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, this might be a good conversation to have in say, July.

"Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom (#9.22)" (1997)
Roseanne: The doctor said she was fine.
Dan Conner: No, he said she *was* fine as long as she keeps taking her medication, maybe she stopped.

Dan Conner: Somebody closed the garage door.
Roseanne: Like... the wind?
Dan Conner: Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.

"Roseanne: My Name Is Bev (#7.14)" (1995)
Dan Conner: I thought I just heard your mother... like those guys from Nam who thought they still heard the choppers.
Roseanne: Yeah, or more like the guys from Nam who were still in Nam.

Roseanne: [walking around drunken Dan and Jackie in circles] Mom said you guys were out in the garage and you were all drinking. I told her they could not possibly be drinking because they know they can't drink when Mom's here, and I also know that can't be because if that were true, me doing this would make you both want to puke.
Dan Conner: [sickened] Stop, please!

"Roseanne: No Talking (#2.12)" (1989)
Dan: [about Becky fighting with Roseanne] This is between you and Becky. Bringing me into it, is just going to make it seem like I'm on your side... which, which I am.
Roseanne: No you're not. You're neutral as usual! Dan "Switzerland" Conner! You just don't want to get involved because she still thinks you're "Mr. Perfect"!

D.J.: [Roseanne isn't talking to Dan, Becky isn't talking to Roseanne] Mom, what's going on?
Roseanne: We're playing a game.
D.J.: Can I play?
Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.

"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1997)
Dan Conner: We better finish getting ready for the baby's arrival.
Roseanne Conner: Say that again.
Dan Conner: Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter is coming home - LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUMBLE!

Dan Conner: Could use a little more work but I think Darlene and David and the baby will be comfortable here for a month or two or whenever they go back to Chicago.
Roseanne Conner: Yep, what could Chicago have to offer them, besides culture and excitement?

"Roseanne: Body by Jake (#6.23)" (1994)
Roseanne Conner: It's been over an hour, where are they?
Dan Conner: Maybe they're celebrating.
Roseanne Conner: They just had a baby. They're not medically allowed to celebrate.

Dan Conner: [finding out Bev had sex with Jake, causing her fall] I understand that unless you were having sex in the shower when it happened, then none of this is my fault!

"Roseanne: Her Boyfriend's Back (#3.20)" (1991)
Dan Conner: You still like this Mark guy?
Becky Conner: Yeah. And I know you think it was his idea to take out the bike, but it wasn't. It was mine.
Dan Conner: I know. Its that rebel Conner thing. It runs in the family. I want you to know I'm not gonna stand for it.
[touches her nose]
Becky Conner: I just don't want you to hate Mark, you know?
Dan Conner: [truthfully] I don't hate Mark.
Becky Conner: Mom does.
Dan Conner: Oh, Mom definitely hates him.
[short pause]
Dan Conner: Definitely. Hate... mom does, yes.

Dan Conner: [walks into the kitchen] Morning!
Roseanne Conner: Hey, Dan. Jackie's going to learn to be a masseuse through the mail.
Dan Conner: Geez, Jack, what happened? Did your sea monkeys died?
Jackie Harris: I get a little support around here.
[Becky walks in]
Roseanne Conner: Oh, we're sorry.
[to Becky]
Roseanne Conner: Hey, guess what. Jackie's gonna be a...
Jackie Harris: Shut up!

"Roseanne: Fender Bender (#2.21)" (1990)
Roseanne Conner: The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.
Dan Conner: They love canned spaghetti.
Roseanne Conner: Not for breakfast.

"Roseanne: The Getaway, Almost (#8.7)" (1995)
Dan Conner: What happened on the road?
Roseanne Conner: There was a revolution out there we didn't even know about.
Dan Conner: The yellow light went off didn't it?
Roseanne Conner: No, a wake up call went off. It's about taking control. It's about being a riot girl!

"Roseanne: Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places (#5.6)" (1992)
Darlene: [refusing to eat a loose-meat sandwich] Alright, get that thing away from me. I'm not gonna eat some animal's face.
Dan: You don't eat the face; you mount it up on the wall as a tribute.

"Roseanne: Past Imperfect (#6.20)" (1994)
Dan Conner: Ah, Fred. When doing a background check on a girlfriend, it's rarely wise to ask the brother-in-law. Especially when his wife is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

"Roseanne: Skeleton in the Closet (#7.6)" (1994)
Roseanne: Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs florentine.
Dan: I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.

"Roseanne: Lies (#4.21)" (1992)
Dan Conner: I can't believe you're jealous over this.
Roseanne: Why not? It's very typical of me.

"Roseanne: Construction Junction (#8.16)" (1996)
[starts to feed Jerry baby food]
Roseanne Conner: My name is "Mommy" and I'll be your waitress tonight. We have specials on the menu including: tender sweet peas, turkey in its own both, and peaches. And I know these are good, because me and your dad make peach daiquiris out of them.
[puts a spoon with Jerry's mouth]
Roseanne Conner: Awww, how long have I been a waitress? Well, not very long; and I am just doing it until an acting job opens up. And your dad fixes trucks for the city and he's only doing that till, uh... another one breaks.
[Jerry slaps the top of his chair]
Roseanne Conner: The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure, you know? Because, uhh... the last big risk we took was having you, and that was a very big risk, but that's just the kind of people we are... or were?
Roseanne Conner: I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me,
[Jerry grabs Roseanne's hand to be fed]
Roseanne Conner: and that turned out so good, how come you're playing it safe now?" Quit growing me. Because... see...
[sticks her tongue out]
Roseanne Conner: risks are for younger people, not us. See, when you get to be me and your dad's age, you want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again you know... till you... die.
[Jerry slaps his hands on the chair again]
Roseanne Conner: Okay, so let's just hypothetically say that your dad does take this job at the prison, right? And, uh, what about when that job's over? Then what is he going to do? Course the way this country's going now... I think they're always going to be building new prisons. Yeah, cause, you know, the way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all, it kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into, so a lot more people are going to be doing it, you know. And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are going to get caught, so I think, they're going to be building a lot of prisons, man. I think those things are going to start going up faster than Starbucks! Yeah! And then, like the people in these prisons, you know, they're going to need to eat, so me and Jackie maybe we get into the ground floor with some catering kind of business, you know.
[Dan enters the house]
Roseanne Conner: And pretty soon, convicts from all over the world will becoming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois.
[stops feeding Jerry]
Roseanne Conner: Dan, that's it! You're quitting that boring job in the city and you're going to apply for that construction bit.
Dan Conner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Roseanne Conner: No, I've really been thinking about this for... you know, the last couple of minutes. And, uh, this is a big opportunity here and I think we should take it.
Dan Conner: Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you've drank all my beer?
Roseanne Conner: No, I was just sittin' here and I was talking to the baby-...
Dan Conner: [interrupts her] Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already.
[he sits]
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan. He made me realize that, uh, the thing that was always so great about us is that we always took a chance, you know, and, this is a chance.
Dan Conner: Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.
Roseanne Conner: You know you want to do this. Let's take the risk.

"Roseanne: The Blaming of the Shrew (#7.22)" (1995)
[after D.J.'s pushy girlfriend leaves]
Jackie: [laughs] What was *that*?
Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!

"Roseanne: Lanford Daze (#5.15)" (1993)
Dan: Do I still have a tie?
Roseanne: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come again?
Dan: A tie. One of those long skinny things? Remember the wedding?

"Roseanne: Dances with Darlene (#3.23)" (1991)
Dan: [about Darlene's date for the dance] Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

"Roseanne: BOO! (#2.7)" (1989)
Becky Conner: Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmand?
Dan Conner: Yeah, didn't she have a couple of hits in the 70s?
Roseanne Conner: No Dan, you remember the one they took away.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, she was a real psycho, wasn't she always trying to eat her face?
Roseanne Conner: That was when there was still hope. But you remember what happened after that.
Dan Conner: Oh yeah, who could forget? She uh...
Darlene Conner: Escaped.
Dan Conner: Yeah.
Becky Conner: No they didn't. You said they let her out.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well we just didn't want to scare you.
Jackie Harris: Yeah, you know there's an APB out on her.
Dan Conner: Is that right?
Roseanne Conner: Dan, there's a woman in our backyard!
Dan Conner: [everybody goes to the back door] She's hiding behind the garage, I better go out there.
Roseanne Conner: No, Dan, no!
Darlene Conner: Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Roseanne Conner, Dan Conner, Jackie Harris: GOTCHA!

"Roseanne: Halloween V (#6.6)" (1993)
Dan: [discussing Nancy] She's rude and selfish.
Roseanne: I know, but, inside she's just a... scared little girl.
Dan: Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging *bitch* on the outside.

"Roseanne: Into That Good Night: Part 2 (#9.24)" (1997)
Dan Conner: Confucius say you snooze, you lose.

"Roseanne: Maybe Baby (#7.11)" (1994)
Dan: "Roseanne" and "demand". Two words that go together like "waffle-iron" and "forehead".

"Roseanne: Isn't It Romantic? (#6.24)" (1994)
Dan Conner: Prepare yourself for a treat... let the romance begin.
Roseanne: [Dan hands her a videotape] "Romancing the Bone"?
Dan Conner: Yeah, I figured we could pop it in for a few minutes, watch it, and then, you know...
Roseanne: Then what? Barf?
Dan Conner: I did something wrong, didn't I?
Roseanne: No, Dan, you just did everything wrong. This is nothing but disgusting, pornographic filth.
Dan Conner: It's got "romance" in the title.
Roseanne: It's just some sicko male fantasy that only appeals to other sicko males.
Dan Conner: It can't be just for men. It's got scenes with only women.

"Roseanne: We're in the Money (#1.2)" (1988)
Dan: I am drywall Master of the Universe! Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!

"Roseanne: The Little Sister (#2.2)" (1989)
Dan Conner: [about to sit down to breakfast] Hey, we missing an offspring?
Roseanne Conner: Yeah, where do you think I got the bacon.

"Roseanne: Husbands and Wives (#7.20)" (1995)
Dan: Well, you don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my wife.
Fred: Oh? Have you remarried?

"Roseanne: Happy Birthday (#2.24)" (1990)
Dan Conner: You know, Stephen King started out like this.

"Roseanne: Let's Call It Quits (#1.23)" (1989)
Dan Conner: If it's that bad, just quit your job.
Roseanne Conner: I can't quit my job.
Dan Conner: Well you can't keep doing this.
Roseanne Conner: We wouldn't have anything if I quit. I wouldn't get hospitalization, I wouldn't get unemployment, none of the kids could get sick, or grow.
Dan Conner: We got along without hospitalization before. We got married and they said we'd never make it. We had 3 kids and they said we'd never make it. You know what we are? We're like one of those clown balloons, every time somebody punches us, we just rise back up.

"Roseanne: Thanksgiving 1991 (#4.10)" (1991)
Roseanne Conner: How much has she had to drink?
Dan Conner: Five fingers of bourbon and a very generous thumb.

"Roseanne: Guilt by Disassociation (#2.3)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: Phil, he works over there at, ah, Garvin Meat Packing plant, and he got me an interview for a job tomorrow.
Dan Conner: Yeah? What do you know about packin' meat?
Roseanne Conner: Well, I've been living with a rump-roast for 15 years.

"Roseanne: Father's Day (#1.14)" (1989)
Roseanne: [in bed for the night] Would you stop hogging all these blankets?
Dan: [imitating his Father's ramblings] Blankets? Let me tell you a little somethin' about blankets. I came *this* close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock, and a guy from, that guy named Navajo Joe, walks to me and says, "I already invented the blanket", so I... he took it away from me. 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy what a set of choppers he had, you talk about teeth, but he went plum idgit on me, and he went and, ah, sunk all his money into, ah, into whatcha call it... hairdryer stock, and tried to invent a five speed ah, photon mix ah hairdryer, and he lost all his dough, see, and, ah, then he couldn't do nuttin about it, so ahhh, so I ups to him and says, "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hairdryers, anyway?", so he goes, "Well it gets windy in Chicago.", I says "Chicago! Chicago, yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago". I used to mix their soundtracks for 'em. But I couldn't quite get it, see.
Roseanne: [chuckling] Good night, "Ed".
Dan: Night? Night? What the hell do you know about "night"? I was almost on "The Edge of Night" one time, 'xcept I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, you see, and I couldn't... couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English see, so he didn't know what the heck he was doin'...
Roseanne: [laughing hysterically] Shut up!
Dan: I was shut up in a cave one time, Myramac Caverns...

"Roseanne: The Last Date (#8.4)" (1995)
[first lines]
Dan Conner: Ah man. The hospital wants us to fill out a lot more of these forms than when D.J. was born.
Roseanne Conner: I know. We're just having a baby. It's not like we're buying a car.

"Roseanne: Say It Ain't So (#9.13)" (1997)
Dan Conner: I met somebody in California.
Roseanne Conner: Well obviously it's not met as in JUST met otherwise you wouldn't have taken this long to say anything.

"Roseanne: Death and Stuff (#1.21)" (1989)
Roseanne Conner: [feeling for the man's pulse] I think he's dead.
Dan Conner: [steps back] Check again.
Roseanne Conner: I know how to count to zero.

"Roseanne: Bird Is the Word (#3.9)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: Roseanne; Your son just gave Gilligan the finger.
Dan Conner: Well, he is the reason they're still stuck on that island!

"Roseanne: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (#1.3)" (1988)
Roseanne Conner: [teasing about who would get the kids, if they divorced] I'd give them to Jackie.
Dan Conner: Hell, even I don't hate her *that* much.

"Roseanne: Wait till Your Father Gets Home (#5.16)" (1993)
Dan: [the funeral home director is trying to get Jackie to buy the $3,000 "White Rose" casket] So what you're saying is that, if she really loved him, she'd get the "White Rose", and if she doesn't... she'd get something with a twist tie, and the word "Hefty" on the side.

"Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (#6.18)" (1994)
Roseanne: You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.
Dan Conner: I'm your husband. That's my right.

"Roseanne: The Mommy's Curse (#6.2)" (1993)
Dan: Hey Roseanne. I saw all the animals in the neighborhood running in circles, I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon.
Roseanne: Help me hold the knife steady, Dan, I keep missing my wrist.

"Roseanne: Two for One (#7.2)" (1994)
Dan: Hunny, I got all kinds of good food for the baby. I got oranges, I got grapes, I got rasberries. You've seen some of this stuff before... on the 'Trix' box.

"Roseanne: Vegas, Vegas (#4.8)" (1991)
Roseanne: [walking into the impersonation hall noticing the real Wayne Newton onstage, whom she thinks is an impersonator, not sporting a mustache] This guy doesn't even have a mustache! How did he get out of Wayne Newton impersonator school without a mustache?
Wayne Newton: [stops singing] Hold it, fellas, hold it. Ma'am, I'm sorry if my singing is interrupting your conversation.
Roseanne: Well, not as sorry as I am!
Wayne Newton: Ma'am, I'm going to ask you politely to please take your seat. I'm entertaining!
Roseanne: Oh, somebody has filled your head with LIES!
Dan Conner: Honey, it really IS Wayne Newton!
Roseanne: Yeah right, and I'm Lola Falana, Dan!
Wayne Newton: Well, it's nice to meet you, Miss Falana. My name is Wayne Newton.
Roseanne: No, MY name is Wayne Newton!
Nancy 'Lynn' Bartlett: No, my name is Wayne Newton!
Dan Conner: [humiliated] Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Wayne Newton: Ladies, I'm glad you're having such a good time, because that's what we're all here for, so why don't you sit back, relax and enjoy the song?
Roseanne: Why, are you going to get somebody else to sing it?

"Roseanne: Homeward Bound (#6.7)" (1993)
Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.
Dan Conner: Aw, God!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.
Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?

"Roseanne: Chicken Hearts (#2.13)" (1990)
Jackie Harris: Dan's going to be here and you're always saying how tactless he is.
Dan Conner: Hey Jackie, how's the herpes?

"Roseanne: Altar Egos (#6.25)" (1994)
Dan Conner: [to Fred] Anyway, lets talk about the, uh, bachelor party. Now, the women have forbidden us from getting a stripper, so we're gonna have to hire one of them nude models from the Art School, teach her how to dance.

"Roseanne: Halloween IV (#5.7)" (1992)
Roseanne: [everybody at the lodge party is talking bad about Roseanne] Defend me, Dan!
Dan Conner: [to the lodge members] Hey! Try living with the woman!

"Roseanne: The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father (#3.13)" (1991)
Dan Conner: I'm not going to the wedding.
Roseanne Conner: Yes you are. You're the best man and I'm the matron of honor. We're gonna walk down that isle together and it'll be just like old time, only this time we need a wider isle.