Admiral Al Calavicci
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Quotes for
Admiral Al Calavicci (Character)
from "Quantum Leap" (1989)

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"Quantum Leap: The Curse of Ptah-Hotep - March 2, 1957 (#4.20)" (1992)
Sam: You're not gonna believe this. We just found the tomb of King Ptah-Hotep II. It's incredible- Go inside, go inside... Incredible!
Al: Well, Ziggy says it's unbelievable, because this has never been reported.
Sam: Then I didn't just forget about it?
Al: Well, no. As of 1999, it's never even been discovered, ever.

Sam: Look, I know this place bothers you, but if you would just help me find the real burial chamber, you could leave.
Al: I'm a hologram, I'm not a vampire bat! I can't see in the dark. If I walk through a wall or I walk into a dark room, all I see is black. That's it! And I'm sure as hell not gonna bump into anything.

[Sam - as Conway - does not believe in the curse of Ptah-Hotep]
Razul: Dr. Conway, my dear friend. You are a student of Egypt, but you're not one of its sons. And until you have heard what I have heard and seen what I have seen, I would not expect you to believe that such a thing as a curse could be true. But it is.
Sam: 3500-year-old dead men don't just get up and walk around.
Razul: Not him, my dear boy. His ka.
Al: That's his spirit body.
Sam: I know what it is.
Razul: Of course you do, but it could still be standing guard in his tomb, and is now protecting him.
Sam: That would mean that Ptah-Hotep's body is still nearby.
Razul: Yes, yes, yes. Perhaps you are right. Legend has it that Ptah-Hotep had a diamond scarab the size of a cow's eye, called the Heart of Ptah-Hotep. Supposedly, he used it to work magic.
Sam: Right, and... with it he would one day walk again on Earth.
Al: He's already doin' it.

Sam: Al. We can't leave now. This is a major, major discovery!
Al: This is gonna be a major, major catastrophe! What're you being so stubborn about this one for? It's crazy.
Sam: Ptah-Hotep was never found. We can't lose him now!
Al: Well, that's no problem. Ziggy'll locate it right after we get this chip business straightened out, and then, in 1999, you can...
[consults his handlink]
Al: Uh-oh.
Sam: I knew it, I knew it. "Uh-oh" what?
Al: Uh, well, there's a 99.8% chance that Ptah-Hotep's tomb is gonna be destroyed when they build the Aswân Dam in... the '60s.
Sam: OK, so, see? I gotta stay.

Al: [of a camel strutting by] Man. What an ugly horse!
Al: [of Ginny walking by] What a gorgeous woman!

Al: [referring to Ginny and Sam] She and Conway disappeared on a dig in 1957 - that's this dig - and they were swallowed up without a trace.
Sam: "As for anyone who will disturb the tomb of King Ptah-Hotep, death will swallow him." That was one of the inscriptions we found in the tomb.
Al: I'd say he's a man of his word.

Sam: I just was practicing what I was gonna say to the press about the tomb and the curse.
Ginny: Oh, yeah, well, I can just see the headlines now. They are going to love this!
Al: Yeah, I can see 'em too. "Genius has Death Wish. Nobel Prize Winner is really a Knucklehead."

Al: You know, Sam, did I ever tell you that one time I dated an Egyptian girl?
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Al: She thought she was the reincarnation of... of Cleopatra.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Al: But, boy, she had a nice asp.

Sam: Al. If you can't be helpful, why don't you leave, okay?
Al: Helpful?
Sam: Yeah.
Al: I'm being helpful. I'm keeping you company down here in the tomb of... King Heebie-Jeebie.

Al: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. 'Oops! It was an accident! I accidentally killed everybody. Haw haw. Now I'm stuck with this secret load of secret treasure. Oh, I'm going to have to give up my measley, poor-paying professorship and go somewhere and live a life of ease and luxury somewhere else. Ha ha.' Give her an Oscar and let's get the hell outta here.

"Quantum Leap: Lee Harvey Oswald - October 5, 1957 - November 22, 1963: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1992)
Oswald: Hidell, Alex James. Private, first class. Serial number: 1522597.
Al: Hidell? You're saying your name is Hidell?
Oswald: What are you, hard of hearing?
[Al consults his handlink]
Oswald: What's that?
Al: Uh, it's a tape recorder. New model.
Oswald: You won't need it. I've already told you everything I'm obliged to tell you under the rules of the Geneva Convention.
Al: Well, you're obliged to tell the truth. 1653230, that's your real serial number, isn't it, Private Oswald?
Oswald: [pause] That's no tape recorder.
Al: So we both lied.

Al: You're not a prisoner of war.
Oswald: All members of the proletariat are prisoners in the class struggle.
Al: I thought you were a member of the Marine Corps.
Oswald: My status as a marine does not alter my membership in the exploited and oppressed class into which I was born.
Al: I was joking.
Oswald: I was not!
Al: Take it easy, kid. I'm on your side.
Oswald: Then I'm free to leave?
Al: Uh, no. Not exactly.
Oswald: Then I'm a prisoner.
Al: Okay, all right. You're a prisoner of the proletariat and...
Oswald: I'm a prisoner of the bourgeois and a *member* of the proletariat. You don't know your Marx, do you?
Al: [coldly] After six years in the Hanoi Hilton, I tend to repress it.
Oswald: Where?
Al: That's where I was held as a prisoner of war, and where they didn't give a damn about the Geneva Convention.

Sgt. Bellisario: Do you often read The Daily Worker?
Sam: [in Oswald's voice] It's the only newspaper that tells the truth.
Sgt. Bellisario: The truth?
Sam: [in Oswald's voice] How the United States oppresses the proletariat of the world with its military might.
Al: He's back.
Sgt. Bellisario: You sound like a communist.
Sam: I know, I know.
Sgt. Bellisario: But you're not.
Sam: I'm not what I sometimes sound like.
Al: Oh good. That's better, Sam.
Sam: [in Oswald's voice] But if I were, I'd be a Marxist.
Sgt. Bellisario: If you're a Marxist, what the hell are you doing in the Marine Corps?
Sam: I don't know.
[Sam leaps again]

Sgt. Lopez: Just a word of advice, Private. You wanna ship home with all the body parts you came here with, zip your lip.
Sam: [in Oswald's voice] Aye-aye, Sergeant Beaner.
Sgt. Lopez: See you on liberty, Oswald.
Al: Sam, are you outta your mind? You can't talk to *anybody* like that, much less a marine sergeant!
Sam: I know, Al. I know.
Al: Then why'd you do it?
Sam: I didn't.
Al: Excuse me, I heard you!
Sam: You heard the words come out of my mouth, but I didn't say 'em.
Al: You're scaring me, Sam.
Sam: Well, you're not alone. Maybe... maybe this has something to do with... leaping twice into the same person.
Al: What twice?
Sam: I leaped into Oswald in '63. At least that's what the newspapers I was holding said it was: March of '63.
Al: Well, how'd you know you were Oswald?
Sam: Marina was taking my picture. You know that famous picture with the rifle and, and the newspaper?
Al: That photograph is a fake. Yeah, Oswald's face is superimposed on somebody else's body to frame him.
Sam: But, Marina took it.
Al: How do you know she was Marina?
Sam: I called her Marina, and-and she called me... Alik.
Al: Well, there you see? You weren't Oswald.
[consults the handlink]
Al: All we have to do is ask Ziggy to trace the name Alik to anyone working at the CIA or the FB...
Sam: What?
Al: Alik was the name Oswald used in Russia. And, uh, that's the name Marina used to call him.

[Sam is worried about his mind merging with Lee Harvey Oswald]
Sam: What if I assassinate the President?
Al: You're not gonna assassinate the President. This is '57, that doesn't happen for another six years!
Sam: Fifteen minutes ago, it was six years from now. And who's to say that's not gonna happen again, in November, with me at the Texas School Book Depository? Good God, Al. If that happened, I could stop the assassination.
Al: If Oswald really was the assassin.
Sam: What do you mean if Oswald was really the assassin?
Al: Well, there's a lot of people think that he was set up.
Sam: Set up? By whom?
Al: Could have been anybody. Could've been the FBI, Secret Service, uh, CIA, the military, the Mafia, defense contractors, John Birchers, you name it. They all had something to gain from Kennedy's death.
Sam: Al, we're talking about murdering the President of the United States.
Al: Don't you remember all the conspiracy books and the movies?
Sam: No. But I do remember that day in November like it was yesterday. I was ten and my dad was teaching me how to drive the tractor in the field behind the house. All of a sudden, Mom came out yelling at us. She ran up right to the fence and she was yellin' and we thought it was because of what we were doing. But then she told us that the President had just been shot.

[Sam's mind has been taken over by Oswald and he is about to murder Sgt. Lopez in cold blood]
Al: Gushie, I can't get through to him! Tell Ziggy I've got to have a way to get through to him!
[info comes over the handlink]
Al: You're kidding. Uh, Sam... Sam, what are the four fundamental forces of interactions in quantum physics? What are the four fundamental forces of interactions in quantum physics, Sam?
[Sam seems to hear Al]
Al: Yeah, yeah, Sam. The four fundamental forces of interactions in-in quantum physics.
Sam: Gravitation, electroma-magnetism, the strong and weak nuclear forces.
Al: What's the Pauli exclusion principle?
Sam: [starts to lower his gun] No two fermions can occupy a given quantum state at the same time?
Al: Neither can two human souls.
[Sam leaps]

Sam: Al, if I leaped into Oswald to uncover a conspiracy, why didn't I stay in '63?
Al: Maybe because it started here in Atsugi.
Sam: Atsugi?
Al: Japan.
Sam: [looks around the rifle range] This doesn't look like Japan.
Al: Sam, military bases look the same the world over. But you go out that gate and you'll see it's, it's Japan, there's no doubt about it. It's very beautiful, it's serene... and there's a lot of... beautiful geishas.

Sam: How I treated Mariska out there was sickening.
Al: What'd you do?
Sam: I treated her like dirt, and she threw herself at me.
Al: Oh, works every time.

"Quantum Leap: The Wrong Stuff - January 24, 1961 (#4.7)" (1991)
Al: What about the Quantum rules? You have to at least pretend that you are who you leap into.
Sam: That's if I'm a human. I'm not a human, I'm a chimp! We don't have rules for chimps, do we?
Al: You can't get off on a technicality.
Sam: Okay, wise guy, then what am I here to do?
Al: Join the circus.

Al: You leaped into the space program, Sam.
Sam: I've leaped into a diaper!

[Sam is in a cage eating a banana, while Cory, the chimp in the next cage, reaches for it]
Sam: Uh-uh. I'm sorry. I'm hungry, okay? Sue me.
[Cory purses her lips at Sam]
Sam: No, thanks, I'm not in the mood. I'm sorry.
Al: Well, I think she is, Sam. I think she likes youuu.

Sam: What am I doing here Al? I mean... how did I get here like this?
Al: Well, uh, we know that, uh, chimps are our closest relatives, that, uh, genetically, they're 99% identical to us. As a matter of fact, they're so close that your could even share your blood with a chimp.
Sam: I'm in the body of a chimp. That's too close!

Sam: I gotta get out of here!
Al: What are you gonna do? Go to work for an organ grinder?

Sam: Al, I'm a chimp!
Al: You're lucky you didn't leap in as a bullfrog.

Al: [after taking a closer look at the vet Dr. Ashton] Boy, makes me wish I was an ape.
Sam: Well, you're acting like one.

[last lines]
Sam: What happens now?
Al: [consulting his handlink] Uh... Dr. Winger, he stops his tests with chimps. Oh, that's good. And he still goes on, develops this helmet that's still in use. It saves a lot of human lives.
Sam: That's great, Al. What about Leslie?
Al: Uh, she... Let's see, she starts her own vet practice in Santa Fe in 1965, and she builds this sanctuary for orphaned and ex-research chimps.
Sam: What about Cory?
Al: Tuh - sh-she and Bobo have a baby.
Sam: [laughing] Well, thank goodness I won't be around for that.

"Quantum Leap: Genesis: Part 1 - September 13, 1956 (#1.1)" (1989)
[At Sam and Al's first meeting]
Sam: Who are you?
Al: My name is Albert... Albert what, I can't tell you because it's restricted. Most of what you'll want to know is restricted, so it would be a lot easier if you don't ask a lot of questions.
Sam: What are you?
Al: That's a question, Sam.

Al Calavicci: You're part of a time-travel experiment that went a little... ka ka.
Dr. Sam Beckett: A little ka ka? HOW ka ka?
Al Calavicci: Well, you're here! That's great! Nobel Prize material. You should be proud.
Dr. Sam Beckett: And...?
Al Calavicci: [hesitating] And... we're experiencing technical difficulties in retrieving you.

Gushie: [Al and a stranded motorist are in Al's car, driving towards the Project; Al sees the Accelerator lights glowing in the sky, and calls the Project] Control!
Al: What's happening, Gushie?
Gushie: He's Leaping! Ziggy said no, but Sam's Leaping!
Al: He can't Leap, we're not ready!
Gushie: Tell Sam that!
Al: Put him on!
Gushie: I can't! He's in the Accelerator! Al, Al, what do I do?
Al: Nothing! Any interference could kill him! I'll be there in two minutes!
[to woman]
Al: Hang on, beautiful!
[Hits the gas]

[Al is helping a stranded motorist]
Al: I would love to fix that flat for you. But I can't!
Woman: Let me guess: It's your only tux, and you're late for your wedding.
Al: How could I be late? We just met!

Al: You're part of a time travel experiment that went a little... ka-ka.

Sam: Who created this Ziggy?
Al: You. Quantum Leap is your baby. You're the genius behind it. At least you were before your brain got magnafoogled.
Sam: No, no, see, I'm a medical doctor. I found that much out.
Al: You hold six doctorates, Sam. Medicine is just one. Your special gift was quantum physics. Time magazine even called you the next Einstein. The truth is, if there's one guy who could figure how to bring you back... its you.
Sam: And I can't even remember my name!
Al: [Pausing, and deciding to break Sam's own rule, even though Al knows Sam will use the information to contact his father] Beckett. Sam Beckett

[Al has suddenly materialized]
Sam: Can't you just fade in, or something?
Al: If you can tell me how to fade in agitated carbon quarks, then I'll make the scientific journal!

Al Calavicci: Your best shot is freezing the brain until all electrical activity has ceased.
Dr. Sam Beckett: That's called death.
Al Calavicci: I never said it would be easy.

"Quantum Leap: Dr. Ruth - April 25, 1985 (#5.14)" (1993)
Al: Sam. Sex is not dirty. It's a very natural thing. Being frank about it, and educating your children to be morally responsible and safe, er, is better than sweeping it under the rug.
Sam: That's a pretty mature attitude, coming from somebody like you.
Al: No, it's not coming from me. That's coming from the real Dr. Ruth in the Waiting Room.

Dr. Ruth: I'm sorry to say, I'm very disappointed in you, Al.
Al: You're disappointed in me?
Dr. Ruth: You say this is the future. I thought by now, people like you would have a healthier attitude towards sex.
Al: I have a very healthy attitude towards sex.
Dr. Ruth: I think you have a problem.
Al: With all due respect, Dr. Ruth, when it comes to women, Al Calavicci doesn't have any problems.
Dr. Ruth: I think you are afraid of something.
Al: You're right: alimony.

Al: Tina's crazy about me.
Dr. Ruth: And you are crazy about her, aren't you?
Al: Well, no, I... I wouldn't say that. I'd say I, I like her.
Dr. Ruth: You just *like* her?
Al: I like her a lot. A lot.
Dr. Ruth: Does that mean, you love her?
Al: Uh...
Dr. Ruth: It may have four letters, but 'love' is not a dirty word.

Al: Ziggy says there's a 72% chance that you're here to play with matches.
Al, Sam: What?
[Al strikes the handlink hard]
Al: Stinking thing... Play with... Oh, mat-ma... oh, matchmaker. Play matchmaker.

Dr. Ruth: Tell me about your girlfriend.
Al: W-well, uh, her name is Tina.
Dr. Ruth: M-hm. So tell me more.
Al: More about Tina?
Dr. Ruth: M-hm.
Al: Ah. Well, um... Oh, well. She's got... great... casabas.
Dr. Ruth: What are these casabas?
Al: Well, you know. Melons.
Dr. Ruth: Hmm?
Al: Hoo-has? Honkers? Hooters? Headlights? Uh... tatas? Teeters? Tweeters? Tom-toms? Tetons?
Dr. Ruth: Say it.
Al: I'm trying to say it. Uh, meatballs. Mangoes. Cream pies. Cupcakes? Uh... bangers? Bouncers? Bulumbas?
Dr. Ruth: Al.
Al: Bazongas? Breasts! I said it.
Dr. Ruth: You see? It wasn't that hard.

Al: [to Sam] Ziggy says you're here to help Doug and Debbie. Unless you do something about that, you're gonna stay stuck in 1985, wearing your silly high heels and your stupid dresses, and talking to strangers about G-spots.

Debbie Schaefer: ...Three days later you said you had the jitters. You stopped performing, remember?
Al: Oh, this sounds juicy.
Doug Bridges: What exactly do you mean by "performing"?
Debbie Schaefer: Do I have to spell it out for you? The cork on the champagne bottle wouldn't pop.
Doug Bridges: Uh-huh.
Debbie Schaefer: The thrusters weren't thrusting.
Doug Bridges: Oh, really?
Debbie Schaefer: There was no lift-off!
Sam: Could we change the subject, please?
Doug Bridges: No, please, let her go ahead. I think there's a couple in the next room who didn't hear about my thrusters!
Al: Not so good, Sam.
Sam: What am I supposed to do?
Doug Bridges: Get her a bullhorn. She can announce it from the Chrysler Building: "Doug's rocket didn't launch!"

[last lines]
[Al has told Dr. Ruth about his first wife Beth]
Dr. Ruth: Did you love this Beth more than you love Tina?
Al: Yes. But it was different.
Dr. Ruth: So you love Tina different than Beth, but you still love her?
Al: Yes.
Dr. Ruth: Did you hear what you just said?
Al: I said, I love Tina different... I s- I said it!
Dr. Ruth: Maybe I tricked you into it, but you said it. Now say it again, and drop the "different" part. That's a given.
Al: I love Tina.
Dr. Ruth: Now go tell her.
Al: Okay. Gee, thanks, Doc.
[he leaves]
Dr. Ruth: Next!

"Quantum Leap: The Boogieman - October 31, 1964 (#3.5)" (1990)
Dr. Sam Beckett: That's an unusual tattoo, Sheriff.
Sheriff Ben Masters: Okay, you caught me. I'm really a warlock, and that's the sign of my coven.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I knew it!
Sheriff Ben Masters: And I killed Dorothy and Tully because they were about to expose me.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Grab him, Sam!
Dr. Sam Beckett: "That's interesting", to quote a sheriff I know.
Sheriff Ben Masters: Isn't it? Unless of course the real story is I got drunk one night on shore leave and almost had an Air Force tattoo put on my arm. Pretty embarrassing for a guy in the Navy.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, I don't like things that fly around without wings.
[after a skull has flown through the room, apparently by itself]

Dr. Sam Beckett: [before entering Mary's house] Uh, women and holograms first.
Admiral Al Calavicci: It's only a house, Sam.

Tully Maltin, Admiral Al Calavicci: [respectively] Them that dance with the Devil are bound to get scorched.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [of the Devil] Sam, uh, Ziggy... says that there's... definitely something there.
The Devil: [looking at Al] That's more than I can say for you.

Mary Greely: What else did I do while you were unconscious?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Uh... Well, you got angry at me and... made a skull fly across the room. Of course, it could've been worse, it could've been kitchen knives.
Stevie King: Wow, what a neat idea!
[a car pulls up in front of the house, hooting]
Mary Greely: Hi, Mrs. King!
Stevie King: Hi, Mom!
Dr. Sam Beckett: [suspiciously] "Stevie"?
Admiral Al Calavicci: [confirms] King.

Mary Greely: Who are you?
the Devil (as Al): Yin and yang, good and bad. God...
Dr. Sam Beckett: ...The Devil.
the Devil (as Al): In the flesh, so to speak.
Mary Greely: This isn't possible!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Come on Al, tell me he's not real...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Uh... I... you... ah... he's real. Oh Sam, he's very real.

"Quantum Leap: The Leap Between the States - September 20, 1862 (#5.20)" (1993)
[Sam has leapt into Captain John Beckett, a soldier during the American Civil War]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, there was a John Beckett in my family. And he fought in the Civil War. He... he was my great-grandfather. I'm my great-grandfather? My great-grandfather fought with the Union forces in the Civil War. His name was John Beckett. My dad was named after him.
[he shows Al his written orders]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, Captain John Beckett.
Dr. Sam Beckett: That'd explain this. It's the only reason I can figure out why I could leap outside my own lifetime.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Must've been some kind of genetic transfer or something.

Olivia Barrett Covington: Where's the other one?
Dr. Sam Beckett: The other what?
Olivia Barrett Covington: Whoever you were talking to.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'm right here, Scarlett. Oh, she's lovely. I always had a thing for girls from the Deep South.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [of Olivia] Oh. That's a hell of a woman.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah, well, hell is one word I would use.

Admiral Al Calavicci: We did confirm your theory.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Really?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah. Uh, Ziggy says, it's a "genetic, uh, field transference". But the bottom line is that the DNA of John's blood sample does match yours. So, congratulations, you're a great-grandfather!

Dr. Sam Beckett: This is amazing!
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'll tell you what's amazing. Your great-grandmother's name just happened to be Olivia Covington... Beckett.
Dr. Sam Beckett: No!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Y-es!
Dr. Sam Beckett: No, no, n...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Your southern belle there is your sweetie, your bride-to-be, and your great-grandma all rolled in one. Ha-ha-ha!

Admiral Al Calavicci: [about Lt. Montgomery] An officer, but... definitely not a gentleman.

[last lines]
Isaac King: I've been thinking. Once I'm a free man, I'm gonna need a last name like everybody else.
Olivia Barrett Covington: Got any ideas?
Isaac King: Well, I considered Lincoln. Considered Covington, since I've been with y'all since I was a boy. I considered Beckett, to thank you for takin' me with you, sir.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Well, you don't have to thank me, Isaac, but I'm flattered.
Isaac King: Most of all, I like the way I feels about bein' a free man. Makes a man feel like a king. So, if it ain't too uppity, I'd like to be called Isaac King.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, you're not gonna believe this. Isaac here goes on to have a son named Emmanuel, and Emmanuel goes on to have a son...
Dr. Sam Beckett: King?
Isaac King: Something wrong with it?
Dr. Sam Beckett: No, no, no, i-it's fine.
Admiral Al Calavicci: And that son has a son - a very famous son: Martin Luther King.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I think that's a fine name, Isaac.

"Quantum Leap: Play Ball - August 6, 1961 (#4.2)" (1991)
Admiral Al Calavicci: [referring to Chucky] What are you so interested in this kid for anyway?
Dr. Sam Beckett: [sighs] 'cause he reminds me of you.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh. What?
Dr. Sam Beckett: You remember the first time we met, Al? You were running the Star Bright Project, and, uh, I came into the lab, and you were smashing the vending machine with a hammer.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, uh-mmm, it ate my dime.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah, you were, you were drunk and, uh, angry, and... the government wanted to wash you out of the project completely, but I stopped them. Because I knew that underneath all that booze and that anger was a pretty terrific person.
Admiral Al Calavicci: So you think this... kid is a terrific person too?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know. But I think he deserves a chance to find out. Don't you?

Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, there is something magical about a baseball diamond. Yeah - no matter how old you get, it still makes you feel like a kid.

Dr. Sam Beckett: [referring to Al's experiences as a baseball pitcher] Is there anything you haven't done?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No. Oh, wait. There is these twins at the fitness center...
Dr. Sam Beckett: All right, I'm sorry I asked.

[Al is teaching Sam how to pitch]
Admiral Al Calavicci: You can't hold it like that. It's hand pitching.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What's wrong with holding it like this?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Because i... It's fine if that was a hand grenade, but it's a baseball. You gotta treat it like a woman.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Why does everything always come down to being a woman?

Bunny: [trying to seduce Sam] I've heard about the way you treat women. The thangs you do.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Thangs? What thangs?

Warren Monroe: I've seen you play a few times. You're good.
Chucky: Well, I don't know about that. I'd be in a lot of trouble if, uh, if Doc here hadn't made that leap.
Admiral Al Calavicci: You can say that again, kid.

"Quantum Leap: Play It Again, Seymour - April 14, 1953 (#1.9)" (1989)
Dr. Sam Beckett: I read this book Nick's writing. That's why I know everything. It's not déjà vu.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Another illusion shattered forever.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Nick and Alison loved each other but they were too loyal to Phil to do anything about it. Listen to this: "The heat between us was like a six-day jaunt in the Sahara, but out ties to Phil were as tight as the drunk on the corner stool."
Admiral Al Calavicci: Not exactly Faulkner.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You can say that again. I think I'm here to find Phil's killer so that Allison and I can live happily ever after.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, don't you mean Allison and Nick?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Well, yeah, sure.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, you know, Allison could be the killer.
Dr. Sam Beckett: No.
Admiral Al Calavicci: No? Why do you say no? Because "her body could part the Red Army?"
Dr. Sam Beckett: No, because we've got Klapper.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Careful, Sam, there was no cure for that in 1953.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, Klapper is the dropper who shot Phil. At least that's the rumor.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, but people hire droppers.
Dr. Sam Beckett: It wasn't Allison. But whoever it was is probably here in Nick's book. So, if you could just find me "Dead Men Don't Die".
Admiral Al Calavicci: I doubt that it was published under that title.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Check under Nick Allen.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Maybe he used a nom de plume. I would.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Just have Ziggy do it, okay? That's what computers are for. Just find me the rest of this book, because for the life of me, I can't remember how it ended.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, it wasn't with Allison and Nick living happily ever after.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You read it?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, but if it ended like that, why would you be here?

[Al has returned with the book about the case Sam is living]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Who killed Phil?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I don't know.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What do you mean you don't know? You've got the book, I saw you.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, but, you know, it's an unfinished mystery. It's one of those contest books that had in the '50s. You figure out who did the murder and if the cops can prove it, then you win ten grand.
[hold up the book]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, it says "Who Killed Grimsley *and* Allen?"
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, I thought you'd notice that last part.
Dr. Sam Beckett: How did I die?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Back-stomped an ounce of lead.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Klapper?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Probably, but nobody ever collected on it.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Who did the readers suspect?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Everybody from Joseph Stalin to Colonel Mustard. But most of the folks voted for your paramour, the Red Widow.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Just find me the rest of this book, you know, because for the life of me, I can't remember how it ended.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, it wasn't with Allison and Nick living happily ever after.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You read it?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No. But if it ended like that, why would you be here? So they could live unhappily ever after?

[Sam has the theory that Allison and Seymour are going to be killed by Klapper]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know, Al, it just seems like... the most logical explanation.
Admiral Al Calavicci: A more logical one is that Allison is Klapper. You want to have safe sex with her, you'd better wear a bullet proof vest.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, I think...
Dr. Sam Beckett: Don't say it, Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: ...this is the start of a wonderful friendship.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You couldn't resist, could you?

Admiral Al Calavicci: [to Sam on Alison] The only way to have safe sex with her would be to wear a bulletproof vest.

"Quantum Leap: Moments to Live - May 4, 1985 (#4.19)" (1992)
[Sam is Kyle Hart, an actor playing a doctor in... ]
Sam: I'm in a soap opera!
Al: We prefer 'daytime drama'.
Sam: We...? You mean... you mean, you watch this stuff?
Al: Oh, uh, Tina had me watching some of it while I was down with the flu. And, Sam, you wouldn't believe the things that go on on these shows.
Sam: Okay. All right, I know.
Al: I mean, everybody...
Sam: I know.
Al: sleeping...
Sam: I know.
Al: ...with *everybody*.
Sam: I know! Just spare me the details, all right?

Sam: Why am I here?
Al: Er, well, we're not sure.
Sam: You're not...
Al: No, Ziggy, uh, had a new data search component installed, and we had to have it shipped in from Hong Kong, and I think that gave a little jet lag to the modem of the floppy disc.
Sam: Why do you make this stuff up all the time? Why don't you just say to me, 'Sam, we don't know.' Why don't you just do that for once, instead of makin' it up all the time?
Al: Well - that wouldn't be any fun.

Sam: You know what I have to do today? I have to go and have lunch with some woman, who won this... soap detergent contest!
Al: Oh. Well, look at it this way. At least you know she'll be clean!

[after Norma has smashed a tray with a tea set against the wall]
Al: You know, she reminds me of my second wife; only, her specialty was small appliances.

Al: I'll go back and I'll run some more scenarios on escapes, and maybe I can reduce the odds a little bit.
Sam: So just hurry up, all right? She's planning dinner, and I got a feeling that... I'm the dessert.

[last lines]
Ben, Lyle Hart's Agent: [after Sam has been freed from his kidnappers] I was just thinking. It might be interesting, not to mention a ratings bonanza, if we were to, say, incorporate a similar ordeal into the life of one Dr. Craig Connor. Hm? I'll call the studio. Welcome back.
Sam: Did you hear that? He wants to take what happened to me here and put it on the show.
Al: Yeah, yeah, I know. I heard, yeah.
Sam: Is that ethical? It can't be ethical.
Al: No, it's television.

"Quantum Leap: A Single Drop of Rain - September 7, 1953 (#4.9)" (1991)
[Sam embodies Billy Beaumont, a self-professed maker of rain]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, we can, we can change history, we can change people, but the weather, that's the leap of another color. I mean, that's... No, that's a horse of another kettle.

Admiral Al Calavicci: The cutting edge of meteorology work is done at Defense and Agri-Tech...
Dr. Sam Beckett: So?
Admiral Al Calavicci: And those morons, they guard their computer secrets like a little virgin guards her, her... stamp collection.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Now, Annie. I'm sure that Ralph is really a very wonderful man.
Annie Beaumont: Billy. Springtime is wonderful. Sunsets are wonderful. Babies are wonderful. Ralph... is Ralph.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Ouch.

[Al is giving Sam instructions for mixing the cloud seeding solution]
Admiral Al Calavicci: All right. Next, you add acetone.
Dr. Sam Beckett: How much of this stuff?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Uh, I don't know. AH! When you put that in it gets very unstable.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll blow up.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Why do we even bother?
Admiral Al Calavicci: 'cause that's what we do. We're professional botherers.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [Sam needs Ziggy to hack into weather information in the future to learn how to make it rain for a town in the middle of a drought in 1953] They've got they're own computer guarding the gate.

"Quantum Leap: Running for Honor - June 11, 1964 (#4.12)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: If wishes were broken hearts, everybody would have 'em.

Karen Spencer: Tommy, what's wrong? Y-you don't return my phone calls, and... you don't listen to me when I talk. Don't you like me? I mean, I know that you're a senior and I'm only a freshman, but...
Dr. Sam Beckett: No, no, no, of course, of course I like you.
Karen Spencer: Well, then, why haven't you... you know.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Karen Spencer: I don't want you to think I'm easy or anything. But we've been going out for almost three months, and... you haven't even... you know?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah - you know?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I just didn't think that you wanted me to... y-you know.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought.

[last lines]
Admiral Al Calavicci: You know, there's one thing that I-I... just doesn't figure for me.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What's that?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, was Tommy... gay or not?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Does it matter?

Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know how to run track, Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh. Well, you just, you pump... Look, you pump your arms and you pump your legs, and then you drive through the tape.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You were a runner, too?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, but it sounds good, dunnit?

Sam: I'm running track, Al.
Al: Oh, well look, you pump your arms and you pump your legs and drive through the tape.
Sam: You were a runner too?
Al: No, but it sounds good, doesn't it?

Admiral Al Calavicci: Tea? Not coffee?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm making some tea. Tea. T-E-A tea. Tea, tea, tea. I don't like coffee, I like tea... Does drinking tea make me any less of a man than somebody who drinks coffee? I mean, is every tea-drinker in the entire history of the world gay to you? Is that it? What about the Boston Tea Party? Was that like some kind of a gay boat festival or something?

"Quantum Leap: Future Boy - October 6, 1957 (#3.13)" (1991)
Dr. Sam Beckett: [referring to Moe] We don't know that this guy is crazy. Right? I mean, look at me. I'm standing here, I'm dressed like a giant TV dinner talking to a hologram! Now, what does that make me?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Eccentric.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [on Sam's 'Future Boy' costume] Don't tell me, let me guess: you've been invited to a costume party, and you're going as a baked potato.

Dr. Sam Beckett: What, what happened?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Huh? What d'you mean?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Did somebody die?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Did somebody d... Oh, oh, you mean my suit. Oh. No. No. I have to make a court appearance. My third wife is suing me... No. Fourth? Fifth? My fourth wife is suing me for more alimony payments, and the lawyer says it'd be better if I appeared a little...
Dr. Sam Beckett: Grown up.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [sarcastic] No, boring.

[Sam and Al are debating whether Moe is crazy or not]
Admiral Al Calavicci: He's 65 years old. I mean, who in his right mind is gonna start riding the rails when he's 65?
Dr. Sam Beckett: You would - if there were a cute girl on board.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, uh, yeah, well, I would.

Admiral Al Calavicci: You can't change a leopard's spots, Sam.

Moe Stein: [on his theory of time travel] Time is like a piece of string. One end of the string is birth, the other is death. You put them together, and your life is a loop.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, that's your theory!
Moe Stein: If I can travel fast enough along the loop, I will eventually end up back at the beginning of my life.
Admiral Al Calavicci: He-he's almost got it.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Uh, well, what... Let me ask you, what would happen if, um, you would ball the string, right? And then each day of your life... would touch another day. And then... you could travel from one place on the string to another, thus enabling you to move back and forth within your own lifetime, maybe.
Moe Stein: That's it. That's it! Then I could actually...
Dr. Sam Beckett: Quantum leap?
Moe Stein: Quantum leap. I like that. I like that a lot.

"Quantum Leap: Killin' Time - June 18, 1958 (#5.5)" (1992)
Ziggy: Good evening, Admiral. Before we begin the profile scan, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my admiration for your selfless attempt to rescue Dr. Beckett. It is a fitting testimony to the bonding which humans tend to display toward others of their species. Unfortunately, I project a less than 34% chance of success.
Al: Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Al: Leon, I know you're confused. But the truth is, you don't belong here.
Leon Stiles: What, is this some kind of dream or something?
Al: No, it's not a dream. I came to take you back, Leon.
Leon Stiles: Back to where?
Al: Back to 1958. There was a mix-up in an experiment, and accidentally, you traveled forty years into the future. You traded places with a friend of mine, who's stuck back in '58!
Leon Stiles: You think I'm stupid?
Al: Would I make up a story like this?
Leon Stiles: People don't just jump into other people's lives!
Al: Well, my friend does.

Al: Gushie, I could kiss you, if you didn't have bad breath.

[Al has just been shot by Stiles]
Hooker: Oh, my God. I thought you were dead.
Al: [groans] No, I'm not dead.
[he opens his jacket]
Hooker: What's that?
Al: That's a... that's... a bulletproof vest. And never track a psychotic killer without one.
Hooker: Hey, is that guy from another planet, or what?
Al: Mostly "or what".

Gushie: [voice] Admiral.
Al: [looking around] Who said that?
Gushie: [voice] It's me. Gushie.
Al: Gushie? Where are you?
Gushie: [voice] I'm right in front of you. Can't you see me?
Al: If I could see you, would I be talking to the sidewalk?
Gushie: [voice] I guess Ziggy didn't do a very good job of syncing our brain waves.
Al: I take that as a compliment.

Al: [Styles draws his gun on a Corporal that's just exited an elevator who then does the same] If you kill him, Dr Beckett can never get back. Put the gun away. That's an order, Corporal!

"Quantum Leap: The Leap Back - June 15, 1945 (#4.1)" (1991)
[after switching places with Sam, Al is for once the one leaping into the body of Captain Tom Jarret, a war hero]
Mike: You look terrific! Considering.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Considering? Considering what?
Mike: What? Tom, you just spent three years in a POW camp. They didn't feed you much, did they?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Bowl of rice a day.
Mike: Germans fed you rice?
Admiral Al Calavicci: The VC.
Mike: VC?
Sam: Al, Al, you're not Admiral Al Calavicci; you're Captain Tom somebody, and you better start acting like him until Ziggy tells us what you're here to change.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh. How?
Sam: How?
Admiral Al Calavicci: [typing on his dead hand-link] There's nobody home.
Sam: Don't look at me, look at him!
Mike: Everybody's home. They're all still asleep. Is that some new kind of walkie-talkie?
Sam: Uh, yeah, yeah, yyyou're testing it for the government. It's top secret.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, yes, this is top secret, and I'm evaluating it for the Pentagon.
Sam: That's good. Now, put it away.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Put it away.
Mike: Just got liberated from a POW camp, and they've already given you a new duty assignment.
Admiral Al Calavicci: It's just like the Navy.
Sam: Army.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Army.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [notices a sexy woman passing by on the street] This isn't fair. Sam, a beautiful body like that and I'm just thinking pure thoughts? Damn it!

Sam: I know how to open the chamber door. I designed Ziggy with a back-door code, so that I could override any command, even one dealing with catastrophic failure. All we have to do is get the code to Gushie.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, well, that should be easy enough. All we have to do is wait half a century.
Sam: Well, in a sense, yes, but for us, it'll be instantaneous. Now, we've gotta figure out what the date is where I'm at today.
Admiral Al Calavicci: September 18th, 1999.
Sam: Your Swiss-cheesed brain remembers today's date?
Admiral Al Calavicci: My fifth wife is suing me for more alimony, and that's the court date. There's some days you don't forget.
Sam: Okay. Okay. We deliver a letter to Gushie on September the 18th, nineteen-hundred and ninety-nine.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Who's gonna wait 54 years to deliver a letter?
Sam: The post office. And my dad's lawyer, Doc Krosnov. We mail Doc Krosnov a letter, right? With, say, a hundred bucks.
Admiral Al Calavicci: For the stamp.
Sam: No, no, no, no, no, it's 1945. $100 will do very nicely. We mail him a letter, with $100 and instructions to have the code delivered to Gushie on September the 18th, nineteen-hundred and ninety-nine.
Admiral Al Calavicci: It could work.
Sam: It's gotta work.

[Suzanne has just explained her devotion to the man Al has leapt into, even after she thought he was dead]
Admiral Al Calavicci: [thinking] Take a hike, Mr. Morals. Calavicci is takin' over.

Sam: Oh my God, your brain's swiss-cheesed.
Admiral Al Calavicci: My brain is fine.
Sam: No it's not, the leap swiss-cheesed it.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Stop saying that!
Sam: It's nothing to be ashamed of! Do you remember the first time I leaped, I couldn't even remember my own name.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Al. My name is Al.
Sam: [after waiting expectantly for a few seconds] Al what?
Admiral Al Calavicci: [pauses, then laughs awkwardly] You think I've forgotten my own last name?
Sam: [laughs and smiles] I'm about to bet on it.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [suddenly remembers] Well, you lose! It's Beckett. Al Beckett. Ha!
Sam: [starts to laugh] It's Calavicci. Al Calavicci. HA! Ha ha!
Admiral Al Calavicci: [very confused] It's Calavicci not Beckett?
Sam: [still laughing] No.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well then, who the hell is Beckett?
Sam: Me. I'm Beckett.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [yells] GUSHIE!

[Sam and Al have traded places - Al as the leaper, Sam as the hologram from the lab]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Do you have any Sweet 'n Low? Or Equal?
Kelly: Sweet 'n low? Equal?
Sam: No, no, no, no, no. They didn't have any artificial sweetner in 1945. Okay?
[Sam looks at Kelly]
Sam: But boy, did they have women with big kazooms!

"Quantum Leap: Lee Harvey Oswald - October 5, 1957 - November 22, 1963: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1992)
Gushie: If Dr. Beckett leaped into Oswald to uncover the conspiracy, then doing nothing is an effective course of action.
Admiral Al Calavicci: How the hell do you figure that?
Gushie: Whether Dr. Beckett is himself or Lee Harvey Oswald is immaterial. Either way, you'll be there to observe. To watch the sixth floor window, the grassy knoll, the railroad overpass. You'll see it all! You'll know the truth!
Admiral Al Calavicci: But I won't be able to stop it.
Gushie: I realize that, Admiral, but you yourself said that wasn't what Dr. Beckett was leaped back to do.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, what if I was wrong? What if that's precisely the reason that Sam was leaped back?
Gushie: Then Oswald would have to be the sole assassin.
Admiral Al Calavicci: That's right.
Gushie: No conspiracy?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No. Just one angry, envious man who-who wanted to propel himself into infamy.
Gushie: But one lone man?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I know, it's more comforting to believe in plots, because if Kennedy could be killed that easily by one sicko, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Lee Harvey Oswald: I admire the president very much!
Admiral Al Calavicci: You admire him, but you're gonna kill him.
Lee Harvey Oswald: That's what this is about! You're secret service and you're detaining me because you think I'm going to shoot the president.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I KNOW you're going to shoot the president. What I want to know is are you acting alone?
Lee Harvey Oswald: I don't even own a gun!
Admiral Al Calavicci: You own a 6.5mm Mannlicher-Carcano rifle and an S&W .38 special. The rifle is wrapped in a blanket at Ruth Paine's house and the pistol is at your rooming house at 1026 North Beckley. You ordered both of these guns through the mail under the alias of Alex J. Hidell.
Lee Harvey Oswald: Marina! She told you these lies!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Marina told me nothing. But, when questioned, she'll talk about the shot you took at General Walker. And she'll talk about locking you in the bathroom when Nixon came to Dallas because she was afraid that you were going to try and shoot him too!
Lee Harvey Oswald: I want a lawyer!
Admiral Al Calavicci: There's no lawyer here, there's just you and me and the truth!
Lee Harvey Oswald: I know my rights. I'm a member of the ACLU and I have...
Admiral Al Calavicci: [grabs Oswald's shirt and pulls him close] You're going to shoot the president from the sixth floor window of the Texas schoolbook depository!
Lee Harvey Oswald: You're crazy!
Admiral Al Calavicci: You're damn right I'm crazy.
[pulls a gun out of his back pocket]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'm crazy enough to blow your brains out through your ear if I don't get the truth!
Lee Harvey Oswald: I don't believe in killing someone just because I disagree with their politics!
Admiral Al Calavicci: ARE you acting alone?
Lee Harvey Oswald: I-I want a lawyer.
[Al pulls the trigger right next to Oswald's ear]
Lee Harvey Oswald: I'M DEAF! I'M DEAF!
Admiral Al Calavicci: You're gonna be dead in a minute if you don't tell me the truth!
Lee Harvey Oswald: Okay, Okay. Just don't hurt me. I'm not gonna shoot the president.
[Al grabs his shirt again]
Lee Harvey Oswald: But, I know is.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Who?
Lee Harvey Oswald: Hidell. The guy who ordered the guns in the mail. He's the one who -
[changes to Sam's voice]
Lee Harvey Oswald: I'm lying Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam!
Lee Harvey Oswald: [in Sam's voice] There is no conspiracy. I'm acting alone and you have got to stop me.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I can't reach you Sam. He's taken over completely!
Lee Harvey Oswald: [in Sam's voice] You have to. You have to, or else it's gonna happen all over again. You have to find -
[changes back to Oswald's voice]
Lee Harvey Oswald: - Hidell. Find Alik J. Hidell. That's the man who's going to shoot the president.

[last lines]
Sam: If you hadn't reached me... I would have sh...
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, it wouldn't have been you pulling that trigger, Sam, not really.
Sam: And then when I... I-I had a chance to save him, I leaped. Why, Al? Why?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oswald's mind finally reconnected, and when it did, he leaped back. And you leaped into the nearest person that could accomplish your mission.
Sam: But I didn't accomplish it.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well - maybe you did.
Sam: I didn't save him.
Admiral Al Calavicci: No. But it doesn't look like that's what you were here to do. Ziggy thinks you were here to save her. Your Swiss-cheese mind probably doesn't remember, but the first time, Oswald killed Jackie, too.

Lee Harvey Oswald: [looking at Sam's reflection in the mirror] I still don't get how you do this.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, i-i-it is a little difficult to explain.
Lee Harvey Oswald: You think I'm too stupid to understand?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, nobody understands it except Dr. Beckett.
Lee Harvey Oswald: Try me.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Try you. Okay. Let's start with the string theory. What's the string theory?
Lee Harvey Oswald: String theory?
Lee Harvey Oswald: [in Sam's voice] It helped close the conceptual gulf between relativity and quantum mechanics. It postulates that subatomic particles are not points, but strings, about one Planck-length long. The rate at which strings vibrate can generate the properties of all known particles.
Lee Harvey Oswald: [in his own voice] Hmm? How did I know that?

Sam: How bad is it?
Admiral Al Calavicci: It depends on how much you told them.
Sam: I think I told them everything Oswald knew about the U-2. Gary Powers.
Admiral Al Calavicci: The Russians shoot him down next May, and that incident extends the Cold War for years.
Sam: That must be why I leaped in here, Al. To stop the Soviets from getting U-2 data from Oswald.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [consults the handlink] Oh, no, Ziggy doesn't think so. There's a 96% probability that you didn't give the Soviets anything on the U-2 that they didn't already have. That's good.
Sam: But they shoot Powers down, right?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah. It was just a lucky shot with a SAM-2, a hundred-to-one shot.

[Oswald has taken over Sam's mind, who is in the book depository with his rifle, waiting for the presidential motorcade]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam! Sam! Listen to me! Sam! I got to reach you, Sam! Sam, what are the four fundamental forces of interactions in quantum physics? Sam. Sam, explain the Pauli exclusion principle. Sam, what is supersymmetry, and how does it apply...? This is never gonna work. It's all happening again. It's November 22, 1963 and it's all happening again! Sam! Sam! It's November 22, 1963! Sam, and your dad is still alive! He's teaching you to drive a tractor, Sam. It's-, it's Elkridge, Indiana. You're ten years old and your dad is teaching you to drive a tractor. At this very moment, your dad is still alive, and he's teaching you to drive a tractor, Sam! On the farm in Indiana! He's still alive!
Sam: Dad.
[Sam leaps]

"Quantum Leap: Catch a Falling Star - May 21, 1979 (#2.10)" (1989)
Admiral Al Calavicci: You gonna be all right?
Dr. Sam Beckett: [quoting loosely from "Man of La Mancha"] What matter wounds to the body of knight-errants? For each time he falls, he shall rise again and woe to the wicked! Al...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Here, Your Grace.
Dr. Sam Beckett: My armor, my sword.
Admiral Al Calavicci: More misadventures?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Adventures, old friend.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I love the theater! The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd...
Dr. Sam Beckett: I think that's the other way around.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Mmm? Oh, you- you never did summer stock.

Dr. Sam Beckett: *You* were an actor?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Don't say it like it was a disease. Acting is the world's second-oldest profession. Maybe the first. Yeah, prostitution could be considered kind of a performance.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [reminiscing about musicals] Oh, Oklahoma! That's how come he was hummin'...
Admiral Al Calavicci: [sings] "Chicks and dogs and pigs better scurry..."
Dr. Sam Beckett: Ducks.
Admiral Al Calavicci: "When I..." Ducks?
Dr. Sam Beckett: It's ducks and geese, not... pigs and dogs.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Ducks?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Are you sure it's... it's not pigs and dogs? They scurry too.

Al: Women - you can't trust 'em. They don't understand the double standard.

Sam: What is she doing in Syracuse?
Al: I bet a lot people ask themselves that question.

"Quantum Leap: The Great Spontini - May 9, 1974 (#3.8)" (1990)
Admiral Al Calavicci: I remember my third-, fourth-, third-, third wife. Sharon and I, we fought for over eight months over Chester.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You have a son?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Dog. Was a good dog. And she got him! I tell you, family court, women have all the power.

[Sam is in the role of Harry Spontini, a magician]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I, I'm sorry I missed your act, but... I caught a better one next door.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Let me guess, women's dressing room?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Take pity on me, Sam, I haven't been myself lately. Tina's been away for a couple of weeks visiting her mother. And... I do have my needs, you know.
Dr. Sam Beckett: God forbid you should have two weeks' downtime.

[Jamie is preparing the Table of Death]
Jamie Spontini: I re-rigged the shackles, to open at once. It'll be a snap.
Dr. Sam Beckett: If it's such a snap, uh... why, why do they call it the... Table of Death?
Admiral Al Calavicci: 'cause two guys have died doing it.
Dr. Sam Beckett: [whispering to Al, with a twinge of panic] Two guys have died?
Jamie Spontini: But you're better than them, Harry.
Dr. Sam Beckett: [uneasily] Huh. Yeah...
Jamie Spontini: You will have an extra fifteen seconds before it hits the final latch. Then, all 900 pounds of canopy come slamming down and splattering your guts all over the place.

[Maggie has withdrawn her petition for child custody]
Jamie Spontini: [to Steve] Looks like you're out of a job, butt-head.
Admiral Al Calavicci: My sentiments exactly, butt-head!

Admiral Al Calavicci: [about his handlink] Uh-oh. I think I killed it, Sam.

"Quantum Leap: A Leap for Lisa - June 25, 1957 (#4.22)" (1992)
Al: We got deep trouble here, Sam. The odds of my getting convicted are 92% now and they're going up.
Sam: Riker's testimony was devastating.
Al: Well, un-devastate it.
Sam: I think I will. I think I'll go find the killer.
Al: Well, what are you doing here then?
Sam: Standing trail under guard.
Al: God, 95%. Now they're 95%!
Sam: What does Bingo say about Saturday night?
Al: Same thing I said, of course. Met Lisa a-at the Sea Breeze Hotel, a-and that was before Marci disappeared from the "O"-Club.
[looks at handlink]
Al: Now there's a 96% chance I'm convicted. Ninety-seven - geez, ninety-eight! Ninety-nine!
Sam: For God's sake, stop it!
Edward St. John V: One hundred.
[Sam turns and sees a stranger standing in Al's place, holding the handlink]
Edward St. John V: Yes, there is a 100% certainty that Ensign Calavicci will be found guilty and executed in the gas chamber.

Al: [to Sam] Ain't that a kick in the butt? You leaped into me, as a kid.

Al: I've been so preoccupied, er, with myself - no pun intended.

Sam: How's Tina?
Al: Tina? This's no time to ask about my love life.
Sam: I never thought I'd hear you say that.

Al 'Bingo' Calavicci: You're gonna put me into a nuclear accelerator chamber, and send my body back into time?
Al: Right.
Al 'Bingo' Calavicci: [snorts] Now, even if I believed you, would you do this if you were me?
Al: I *am* you.

"Quantum Leap: Nowhere to Run - August 10, 1968 (#5.4)" (1992)
[Al is keeping watch over a suicidal, quadriplegic Vietnam veteran]
Al: It's all right to be angry, you know? Things happened to all of us over there that... are hard to live with. But we didn't start this filthy war, we just fought it. That's what soldiers are for, they fight. And I bet you think nobody cares, but that's not true; because I care, and Sam cares and... whatever it is that's jumping us around in time cares. They're gonna build a wall, in Washington. And they're gonna carve all these names in it, of all the victims of this lousy war. Don't add another one to it, huh? There's so many. There's too many.

Sam: [to Billy] Maybe you're right. Maybe your way is the best way of doin' things.
Al: What?
Sam: And I'm gonna help you.
Al: Sam, this isn't funny.
Sam: You got nothing to live for, right? You got rid of Carol; you've gone out of your way to make sure that nobody else around here gives a damn about you. What's one more body bag?

Al: I've been doin' some checking. It turns out that Miller went on and had three sons. And the oldest one followed in the old man's footsteps. Eh... Sorry.

[Sam has encouraged Billy to take a plunge in the pool - successfully]
Al: Have you completely lost your mind? He's gonna drown!
Sam: If I had stopped him, who's to say he wouldn't've tried again tomorrow?
Al: Tomorrow? If you don't save him, there isn't gonna be any tomorrow for either one of you!
Sam: Al, don't you get it? The only person who can save Billy is Billy.
Al: Sam, what the hell are you talkin' about?
Sam: I'm talkin' about death. He's never gonna be able to face life until he faces death.

Sam: [slightly upset] By the way. My wife is- Miller's wife is on her way here.
Al: Julie Miller.
Sam: Julie. Oh, good. I know her first name. She probably knows mine. I mean, just think of all the things we can talk about now.

"Quantum Leap: The Play's the Thing - September 9, 1969 (#4.11)" (1992)
The Director: [about 'Hamlet'] This is... Denmark, 1500. Deception is in the air. Everything is... damp, musty, frigid.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [entering] That sounds like my third wife, or was it my second or fourth... most of my wives.

Petra: [to Sam, after he has performed as Hamlet] It's really intense watching you.
Jane Lindhurst: I know just what you mean.
Petra: I didn't know your mother was coming.
Jane Lindhurst: "Mother"?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Mother? Every guy should have a mother like that. That is if she's your mother...
[Jane kisses Sam passionately]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I hope she's not your mother!

[Sam has just had to perform in his play nude]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I've never been so totally and completely humiliated in my life!
Admiral Al Calavicci: What are you complaining about? You should be proud. That audience was riveted!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, please.
Admiral Al Calavicci: It was like they were watching... a car wreck. Like it was horrible, but you were too fascinated to look away.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Thank you. Thank you for your support!

[Petra enters Sam's/Joe's dressing room, only covered with a towel]
Petra: Hi.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [delighted] Ophelia!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Petra, hi. Oh!
[he accidentally drops his own towel]
Petra: [also dropping her towel and throwing herself onto Sam] Joe! Oh...
Jane Lindhurst: [entering with her family] Joe!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Jane?
Neil: Mom.
Jane Lindhurst: [leaving] Ted!
Ted: [following her] Uh, Jane...
Admiral Al Calavicci: [still drooling] Ophelia.
Liz: Neil!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, boy.

Admiral Al Calavicci: It's much worse than death... in two days, she goes home... she spends the rest of her life alone... without love... in Cleveland.

"Quantum Leap: Leaping of the Shrew - September 27, 1956 (#5.3)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, but we're making preparations for Tina's birthday, and she wants me to pop up out of the birthday cake. Uh, you'll never believe what she wants me to not wear.

[when rummaging through Vanessa's chest, Sam picks up a contemporary bra]
Vanessa Foster: What're you doing? Get your grubby paws out of my... Give- Give me that!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Trust me, I have no interest in your underwear.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I knew it. The sun is getting to his mind.

Vanessa Foster: Now what're you looking for?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Just... praying that you've got some food and water in here.
Vanessa Foster: It's a hope chest, not a picnic basket.
Admiral Al Calavicci: That sounds more like a no-hope chest.

[Sam is increasingly frustrated with Vanessa]
Admiral Al Calavicci: It just proves that you care for her a lot.
Dr. Sam Beckett: No way.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Hey, listen, there's no way she would get this bad under your skin, unless you had feelings for her.
Dr. Sam Beckett: The only feelings I have for her are homicidal!

Al: We're making preparations for Tina's birthday party and she wants me to pop out of the cake. You'll never believe what she wants me not to wear.

"Quantum Leap: Southern Comforts - August 4, 1961 (#3.16)" (1991)
Admiral Al Calavicci: This house has been in operation f-, since the Civil War. Your great grandf-, or, or, or Gilbert's great grandfather, started this place.
Dr. Sam Beckett: But why a quilting academy? What is that?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, in those days, it was common for a bordello to hide behind the cover of a legitimate business. But believe me, Sam, the only thing being sewn out there are wild oats.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Don't you do anything that I wouldn't do. But if you do, take pictures.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Of all the partners in the whole wide world that I should have to pick, and what do I end up with? The prudent prince.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I'd stick around too, but I hate to see a grown man cry, especially when it's me.

Al: Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, take pictures.

"Quantum Leap: The Leap Home: Part 1 - November 25, 1969 (#3.1)" (1990)
Sam Beckett: It's not fair, Al. I mean, c'mon, it's not fair.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, I think, uh, I think it's damn fair.
Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'd give anything to see my father, and my sister, for a few days. Be able to talk with them again... Laugh with them... Tell 'em how much I love them. I'd give anything to have what you have, Sam. Anything.

Katie Beckett: Oh my God! If you really are from the future, you'd know if he's dead!
Sam Beckett: Chuck?
Katie Beckett: Paul McCartney. The White Album. If you play "Revolution Number Nine" backwards, the Beatles are singing "Paul is dead."
Sam Beckett: No. Paul's not dead. After the Beatles split up...
Katie Beckett: The Beatles split up?
Sam Beckett: Pretty soon, I think.
Katie Beckett: Oh God. Wait 'til I tell Elaine!
Sam Beckett: Paul forms this group called Wings and they come out with some really great tunes.
Katie Beckett: And John? What's John gonna do? He's my favorite.
Sam Beckett: [hesitantly] Uh, Katey... John...
Admiral Al Calavicci: *Don't* tell her.

Sam Beckett: John is going to write my favorite song.
Katie Beckett: [skeptical] You favorite song?
Sam Beckett: Um-hmm.
Katie Beckett: In the future?
Sam Beckett: Yeah.
Katie Beckett: Well, sing it to me. Or are you gonna use that swiss-cheese-brain excuse you gave me when I asked you who'd be my first boyfriend?
Sam Beckett: [playing guitar and singing] Imagine there's no heaven / It's easy if you try / No Hell below us / Above us only sky / Imagine all the people living for today / Imagine there's no countries / It isn't hard to do / Nothing to kill or die for.
[Katie's expression changes]
Sam Beckett: And no religion, too / Imagine all the people living life in peace / You-hoo, you might say I'm a dreamer.
Sam Beckett, Admiral Al Calavicci: But I'm not the only one / I hope someday you'll join us / And the world will live as one.
Sam Beckett: Imagine no posses...
[Sam notices Katie has started crying and stops]
Sam Beckett: Katey, what is it?
Katie Beckett: I've never heard that before.
Sam Beckett: Of course not. Lennon's not gonna write it for another couple of years.
Katie Beckett: Noo!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam...
Sam Beckett: Katey, what is it?
Katie Beckett: I don't want to believe you!
Sam Beckett: Why?
Katie Beckett: I don't want to believe you know the future... because if you do, Tommy's gonna die.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I know it hurts, Sam, but you did the right thing.
Sam Beckett: I always do - I always do the right thing Al and where does it get me? I m - Why can I always save strangers, but not the people I love?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I don't know.
Sam Beckett: Well, I'm not gonna do it anymore. I'm not gonna do it.
Sam Beckett: [yelling to the sky] You hear that? Whoever you are, *whatever* you are, I'm not doing it anymore! I *quit*!
Sam Beckett: [to Al] I quit.
[Sam runs away through the cornfield]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam!

Coach Donnelly: Defense! Defense! Not patty cake, defense!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Patty cake? That's high fives! That's called a high five! And what are you yelling "defense"? You should be putting them into a press! I feel like Dennis Hopper in Hoosiers.

"Quantum Leap: Goodbye Norma Jean - April 4, 1960 (#5.18)" (1993)
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al? You think I was crazy if I told you that...
Admiral Al Calavicci: If you told me what?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Never mind.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'd say welcome to the human race, Sam. Every man that ever met her fell in love with her. Just... take good care of her and don't let her die. Nobody that beautiful should ever die.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I hate towels.
[after Marilyn has got out of the pool, covered only by her towel]

[Al tells Sam about Marilyn's passing only two years after these events]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Are you telling me that I saved her life so she could be in one last picture?
Admiral Al Calavicci: But what a picture.

Admiral Al Calavicci: That's it, Sam. Marilyn does the film, and a lot of people say it's the best work of her career. Um... and, uh, get this: they re-title the film at Marilyn's insistence because of something that you said.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What do they name it?
Admiral Al Calavicci: 'The Misfits'.

"Quantum Leap: Last Dance Before an Execution - May 12, 1971 (#3.19)" (1991)
[Sam has leaped into Jesus Ortega, who is sentenced to death by electrocution]
Al: Uh, according to Ziggy, you die on the 14th of May 1971. That's... oh, that's in two days.
Sam: I got that, Al! Why?
Al: Why?
Sam: Why?
Al: Well, probably because you can't live with two thousand volts of electricity running through your body.

Al: [about Jesus Ortega] Well, he's, he's out cold in the Waiting Room. We can't revive him. Dr. Beeks thinks that Jesus thinks that he's already dead. So he's slipped into kind of a comatose coma or whatever.
Sam: Well, tell Beeks to bring him around!
Al: Well, you can't just dump a bucket of water on his head and say, "Hey, hey get up. You're not dead. You're just 25 years in the future." These things take time, Sam.

Al: [when seeing Tearsa for the first time] Oh! Look at this, Sam. If I had had an attorney like that when I was in court, I'd still be in court.

Al: [to Tearsa, on Moody] He's gonna break you into a million pieces and walk away with the Governorship and let two innocent men die in the chair. I just hope Sam Beckett's not one of them.

"Quantum Leap: Good Night, Dear Heart - November 9, 1957 (#2.17)" (1990)
Sam: Who was she, Al? Who was she? What songs did she like to sing? Who did she dream about at night?
Al: William Holden.
Sam: What?
Al: William Holden. It's 1957, she's a teenager, she had to have a crush on either William Holden or James Dean. Knowing her background, my money's on Bill. I'll bet "Picnic" is the first movie she saw when she came to the United States.

Al: She could have shot herself.
Sam: Where's the gun?
Al: Maybe it fell into the lake.
Sam: No, I don't think so.
Al: Why not?
Sam: If Hilla committed suicide, I wouldn't be here. The only thing that makes sense is that I'm here to find out who murdered her.

Al: If the chief finds the gun in the lake...
Sam: He won't. And even if he does, it just means that the killer threw the gun in the water.
Al: Boy, you won't give up, will you?
Sam: Not when I feel I'm right.
Al: All right, say you're right. We find the gun, even find someone to trace it to. What does that prove? You have no bullet to match it to.

[Sam is watching Hilla's home movies]
Al: I've had a lot of fixations on women, but this...
Sam: It's not one of your cheap flings.
Al: Whatever. This is an obsession.
Sam: Look at her, Al. She's so young and beautiful and full of life. Is that a girl who could kill herself?
Al: This is 1957, Sam. An unmarried girl that go pregnant was an outcast. Sometimes, they'd end the pregnancy; sometimes, they'd even end their own lives.
Sam: Maybe Greg helped her do both.
Al: You really think he killed her?
Sam: Hilla tried to break up with Greg on the fourth. She said they fought all night. She broke with him, Al, but it was too late, she was pregnant. He's got to be the killer.
Al: But you've got no proof.
Sam: I've got feelings.
Al: Feelings? That's a song. You've got no evidence. You've got no weapon, you've got no bullet, you've got nothing!
Sam: I've got her.
Al: You've got shadow and light flickering on the wall, that's not Hilla. What you're seeing is in your imagination.
Sam: She's trying to tell me something, Al. I don't know that it is, but she's trying to tell me something.

"Quantum Leap: A Tale of Two Sweeties - February 25, 1958 (#5.12)" (1993)
Dr. Sam Beckett: I got Rachel and her kids to the hotel. I got Ellen and her kids to the house. They didn't bump into each other. I did what I was supposed to do. Now, why haven't I leaped?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, that's not what you were supposed to do.
Dr. Sam Beckett: But that's what you said I was supposed to do!
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, that was just the first part.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Okay. Okay. What's the second part?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Mm, well, now Ziggy's saying there's a 75% chance that you're here because Marty's only supposed to have *one* wife.

Dr. Sam Beckett: [as Marty, sighing] Oh, boy!
Admiral Al Calavicci: What's wrong?
Dr. Sam Beckett: What's wrong? Al, I'm a bigamist!

Receptionist: Is there a Rachel Elroy here?
Rachel Elroy: That's me.
Receptionist: You have a phone call.
Ellen Elroy: My last name is Elroy, too!
Rachel Elroy: [jokingly] Really? Maybe we're related.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Closer than you think, honey.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I was talking to the real Marty. I think I found a new idol.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Idol? Al. The guy's a bigamist!
Admiral Al Calavicci: I know. I know, but think about it. If I had tried that, I could've... I could've gone through ten wives instead of five!

"Quantum Leap: Trilogy: Part 3 - July 28, 1978 (#5.10)" (1992)
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm taking the case, Al. Does history change?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Not unless you do something to change it.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, you're not gonna believe this yo-yo in the waiting room.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Larry Stanton?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Er, Lawrence Stanton III, actually. You have a lucrative law practice in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and your counterpart in the waiting room thinks he is dead.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: He thinks I'm St. Peter, and I'm gonna send him to hell for overcharging his hours. Reminds me of my last two divorce lawyers.

Sammy-Jo Fuller: What's your name?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Sam... Larry S- Stanton. What's yours?
Sammy-Jo Fuller: Sammie Jo.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Samantha Josephine Fuller.
Sammy-Jo Fuller: I'm very, very glad you're here, Mr. Sam Larry Stanton. Very glad.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Ziggy says that since Sammie Jo is carrying your genes, and now that you cleared Abagail, the curse is broken. Um, Abagail gets married in two years to a wonderful guy, and they move to Chicago. And she's happy, Sam. She's really happy.
Dr. Sam Beckett: How do you know all this?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sammie Jo told me.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Sammie Jo?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sammie Jo is working with us on Project Quantum Leap, Sam.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yes. As a matter of fact, she has a theory on how to bring you back home.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Does she know I'm her father?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No. And Ziggy says that after this leap, you won't know either.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'll know, Al. I'll always know.

"Quantum Leap: Honeymoon Express - April 27, 1960 (#2.1)" (1989)
[Sam is reluctant to sleep with Diane]
Al: Oh, Sam. You're going to have to bite the bullet. While I go back to put Research online, you're going to have to face a beautiful woman who wants to spend the entire night making mad, passionate love to you. It's a dirty job. But somebody's got to do it.

Sam: Al... it-it's not morally right to sleep with a woman that you don't love.
Al: I agree.
Sam: You agree?
Al: I have loved every woman I ever slept with - at the time I slept with them.

[Sam is trying to get a cat from a tree]
Al: What are you doing, Sam?
Sam: Trying to save Ginger.
Al: That name is probably why he's up here in the first place.

Al: Sam, how would you like to stop a revolution?
Sam: What?
Al: Does the name Fidel Castro mean anything to you?
Sam: No, should it?
Al: Well, I don't know, since it's '57 and he won't be taking over Cuba for two years.
Sam: Don't tell me Ziggy's changed his mind about what I'm here to do.
Sam: Parallel hybrid computers, they never change their mind. Their ego won't let them.

"Quantum Leap: Glitter Rock - April 12, 1974 (#3.17)" (1991)
[Al is giving Sam pointers on how to act as a rock star]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Do Townshend.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Who?
Admiral Al Calavicci: That's right.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What is?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Who.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Townshend!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Who?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, that's right. Pete Townshend of The Who!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Of the what?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Agh, never mind.

Admiral Al Calavicci: If it really gets desperate and they start charging up on stage, and they're gonna rip your clothes off, you stick your tongue out as far as you can and you wiggle it...
[shows Sam how]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Like that.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Sticking my tongue out is gonna make them stop from ripping my clothes off?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, no, that'll make them start ripping their clothes off. Then you can take the guitar and you can smash it to pieces. That always gets 'em!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, with my luck, they're gonna want an encore, and I'm not gonna have a guitar...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Don't worry, Sam, just go out there and cut loose. I'm gonna be with you the whole time.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, that, that's very comforting...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Look, if worse comes to worse... do Milli Vanilli.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Who?
Admiral Al Calavicci: That's what I suggested at first!

Admiral Al Calavicci: Things do happen after concerts.
[after Philip has told Sam that he - i.e. Tonic - is his father]

Admiral Al Calavicci: I told you! The lead is Flash! He's the killer, and he doesn't wanna kill you about his songs, he wants to kill you because of that girl, that Sandy!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, you've been certain about three different people!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, but this time I'm REALLY certain! And now you don't have to know who to look for, because it's definitely HIM! Or... Dwayne. Or, or... Philip.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You done?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Definitely.

"Quantum Leap: Another Mother - September 30, 1981 (#2.13)" (1990)
[Teresa sees Sam and Al for who they really are]
Teresa: [re Sam, then Al] That's not my Mommy, that's a man. So's the guy in the yucky shirt.
Admiral Al Calavicci: This is my favorite shirt. This is cutting-edge stuff.
Teresa: It's yucky.

Admiral Al Calavicci: You lay one hand on this kid, you slime bag, and I'll kill ya. I don't know how, but I'll kill ya.

[Al and Sam are discussing Kevin who has been challenged to make a move on a girl]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm not gonna tell a fifteen-year-old boy how to seduce a girl.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I don't see where you have any choice in this, Sam. The kid is-is-is- He's inexperienced.
Dr. Sam Beckett: He's supposed to be inexperienced. He's fifteen!
Admiral Al Calavicci: I kno- I'll have you know, when I was fif...
Dr. Sam Beckett: The fact that you were a practicing pervert at the age of five has nothing to do with the rest of the world.

[Sam just left to go find Kevin, with Al staying behind]
Ox: Man, with a mother like that I'd still be a virgin too.
Admiral Al Calavicci: You are still a virgin, pimple-puss. And you're gonna be a virgin for another six years.

"Quantum Leap: One Strobe Over the Line - June 15, 1965 (#3.4)" (1990)
[Al is looking at a larger than life-sized poster of Edie in a swimsuit, ogling especially the lower section of her body]
Dr. Sam Beckett: You reached her face yet?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'm working on it.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, I can't believe I'm here to do a summer high-fashion spread, or whatever they call it.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, hey... Maybe, maybe you're here to get Sports Illustrated to shoot the first swimsuit issue. Oh, that would be great; let's... Nah! Damn it! That happened in 1964, and here we are, June 15, 1965.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Soon to be '66, if you don't start telling me...
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, okay, all right...

[Al is butting in on Helen while she is making out with Sam]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Let's go catch Dylan down in the village after dinner. I used to love, I... I used... Aye aye aye... This was always my favorite part of modeling, actually.

[after Edie has accidentally taken an overdose, Sam is trying to keep her walking around and talking]
Dr. Sam Beckett: [helping Edie back on her feet] Al! Come on, come on, come on.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, Ziggy says she's got a 42%... Oh, wait! It's going up! 43%. Sam, keep her going!
Edie Landsdale: [groggy] Al?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Uh, Al is my dog. Al, on the farm.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [indignant] Your dog? All right, it's up to 46%, but I'm still insulted.

"Quantum Leap: Return of the Evil Leaper - October 8, 1956 (#5.16)" (1993)
Al: I've had Dr. Beeks do a little computer research on you.
Arnold: [looks at the handlink] Is that Dr. Beeks?
Al: No. Dr. Beeks is a person. She's a psychologist, she works here.
Arnold: So that's a computer.
Al: A terminal, yeah.
Arnold: It's amazing. The computer at the college takes up rooms and rooms.

Jack: You know, Mike Hammond called me on the phone about ten minutes ago, and you know what he said? He said that they weren't sure that they wanted to pledge anyone with such a monumental jerk as a roommate.
Sam: Why would you wanna pledge a fraternity that's full of idiots in the first place?
Jack: Full of what?
Al: You said the wrong thing, Sam. His dad was a Chi Kappa Delta idiot, and his granddad, and his great-granddad was a founding idiot.

Arnold: I'm talking about Michael of the Chi Kappas.
Al: Don't worry about him. He's taken care of.
Arnold: I believe you. You have the light of truth in your eyes.
Al: My ex-wives'd never say that.

Al: Now what're you doing?
Sam: Got work to do.
Al: What are you doin' with that stupid hat on?
Sam: My mission.
Al: Your mission?
Sam: Remember?
Al: Mission? What about the odds?
Sam: The Midnight Marauder scoffs at the odds!

"Quantum Leap: Genesis: Part 2 - September 13, 1956 (#1.2)" (1989)
[On why they could not retrieve Sam from the past]
Sam: Ziggy's theory is really - it's a load of crap. You have to believe that God or time or something was just waiting for your quantum leap to correct a mistake.
Sam: A mistake in time?
Al: Something that happened in the life of Cpt. Tom Stratton in '56 since he's the one you bounce out. Once that's put right, you'll snap back like a pimp's suspenders.
Sam: Once what's put right?
Al: Tom Stratton was killed trying to break Mach 3 in the X-2. If Ziggy's right, all you have to do is break Mach 3 and live.
[Sam walks away]

[Al has just told Sam that he has to fly an experimental aircraft in order to leap]
Sam: There's got to be another way.
Al: The next one's only got a 52% chance of working.
Sam: I'll take it!
Al: It requires you to be at ground zero during an atomic detonation.
[Sam frowns]
Al: You asked.
Sam: What else have you got?
Al: This isn't a shopping list, you know.
[consults handlink]
Al: The odds drop into the low teens after that. Your best shot is freezing the brain until all electrical activity has ceased.
Sam: That's called *death*.
Al: I never said it would be easy. You want a sure thing? I got it for you. You don't do anything, you just live. Barring accidental death or a fatal disease, you'll be back in forty years. That's your safest option.
Sam: And Tom Stratton?
Al: He'll go on living forward from where he's at now. Technically, he could end up the oldest man alive.
Sam: Well, what about Peg and Mikey? I don't want to hurt them, but I can't go on pretending I'm Tom.
Al: Hey, they were going to lose him on Monday anyway. Of course, if you bust Mach 3 and survive, they could have him around for another thirty or forty years.
Sam: I can't fly!
Al: I'll be your co-pilot.
Sam: You're a hologram.
Al: I'm also an ex-astronaut. The hardest part about flying is taking off and landing. The B-50 does the first part of that for you. After that, you just fire a couple of rockets, hang onto the stick and ka-za-zoom! Mach 3.
Sam: And the second part?
Al: Landing?
[shakes head]
Al: You could *never* land the X-2, not even with my help. So, you don't.
Sam: I eject.
Al: [nods] X-2 does a crash and burn. You float back to earth on a pillow silk. The moment you touch down, you leap forward, Tom leaps back and the broad and I are gone to Las Vegas!
Sam: It could work.
Al: Of course it will work.
Sam: A minute ago, you said it was crap.
Al: That was before I thought it out.

Sam: Where the hell were you?
Al: I was at the Laker game. It went into overtime.
Sam: A ball game? I nearly died because you were at a ball game?
Al: It wasn't just a ball game. It was a play-off game. At the party later, I met this dish named Martha.
Sam: I guess I can thank God you didn't spend the night with this Martha.
Al: Well, I did.

Al: Ziggy is blowing out microchips like they were popcorn. He just, he didn't see it coming.
Sam: What?
Al: What? Sam, this is the 17th of June 1972.
Sam: So?
Al: So? We're in the Watergate! Break-in, Nixon, impeachment...
Sam: I don't remember.
Al: Oh, boy. The Republicans would love you.

"Quantum Leap: Liberation - October 16, 1968 (#5.13)" (1993)
[Sam is Margaret Sanders, a mother who becomes embroiled in the equal rights movement of the sixties]
Dr. Sam Beckett: [after an argument with George, Margaret's husband] Nobody should be treated like that, Al. Nobody. Patronized, insulted like that. It's...
Admiral Al Calavicci: George and all the other Georges in the world, they have no idea that they're denigrating women. It's just they were never taught to behave any other way.

Admiral Al Calavicci: What a scene! Chicks in cells. Talk about your major fantasy.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Thank you for sharing. Now, what the hell am I doing here?
Admiral Al Calavicci: What could be better? Chicks in *chains* in cells.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al!
Admiral Al Calavicci: That would be bet- What? Wh- Oh.

Admiral Al Calavicci: George is from a generation that was taught that women have a place, and men have a place, and never the twain shall meet.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yes, well, if that's the system, then take it from somebody on this side in a, in a dress, okay? It should crash and burn!

[Diana has suggested a violent confrontation against the male society]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I understand that you cannot match strength in a physical confrontation.
Diana St. Cloud: Unless we fight, nothing will change.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Fine. Fine, then fight them in the boardrooms, not in a street brawl. You wanna make a change? Take a lesson from Gandhi.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Or King.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Or Martin Luther King. You go out and start a riot, and people will only notice what's wrong about you. But you state your beliefs in an orderly fashion, and people will notice what's wrong about the system.

"Quantum Leap: Revenge of the Evil Leaper - September 16, 1987 (#5.17)" (1993)
[Al is giving Sam the rundown on the woman Alia has leaped into; Sam passes some of the information on to Alia]
Al: Angela Jenson, her nickname, 'Angel'; nineteen years old, arrested for pot- selling pot, and it was an election year. They threw the book at her.
[Sam points at himself and mouths 'Who am I?']
Al: Hm? Oh, uh, well, uh-uh, one of the two women in the Waiting Room says her name is Liz T- Elizabeth Tate. She's in for murder. The other one is in a state of shock. -... - And, and Liz, uh, says that a-after her husband beat her the fifteenth time, she shot him.
Sam: That's not murder, that's self-defense.
Al: That's not what the jury said.

Al: We got problems, Sam. Get this: Ziggy says there's another leaper.
Sam: Well, she's just picking up Alia.
Al: No, she already counted her.
Sam: You don't think they sent another leaper, do you?
Al: I don't know. Ziggy says that you gotta make sure you discover them before they discover you and certainly before they discover her.

[in the Waiting Room, Liz is trying to comfort a nearly catatonic Angel]
Al: The more information you can give me, the... the sooner you'll get outta here.
Liz: I still don't know where 'here' is. And maybe, just maybe, being here is a hell of a lot better than being where I was.
Al: Uh, well, uh... like I said, we call this the Waiting Room.
Liz: 'The Waiting Room' doesn't tell me chip! Especially, when we've just come from being locked up in some black hole, and I don't remember why I was there.
Al: Well, try and remember and I can help you.
Liz: [re Angel] Tell me what's wrong with her. Why is she like that?
Al: Er, oh, that's- it's just a by-product of what brought you here. But as soon as she gets back to her own time, she'll be fine and so will you. But now, I need for you to tell me what happened to Carol Benning. You gotta remember.
Liz: Carol Benning? I can't even remember my own last name. How do you expect me to remember who killed Carol Benning?
Al: Well, see, you remember that she was killed.

Sam: [trying to hypnotize Alia] You're standing on the top of a mountain, looking out. Can you see yourself there?
Alia: Mm-hmm.
Sam: All right. You're looking up, at a yellow sun, in the middle of a dark, dark blue sky. A warm summer breeze... blows across your face. White clouds streak across the dark blue sky. What do you see there?
Alia: Only clouds. White clouds.
Sam: Yes.
Alia: And miles and miles of sky.
Sam: That's good.
Alia: It's almost as if I'm...
Al: [in a trance] Dark blue sky. Clouds...
Sam: Al.
Al: Clouds...
Sam: Al, where are you?
Al: Vegas.
Sam: [subtly clapping his hands] Al!
Al: [wakes up] Oh, uh, Mallard Correctional Facility.

"Quantum Leap: Dreams - February 28, 1979 (#4.8)" (1991)
Dr. Sam Beckett: What if Jack, when he leaped out, left a piece of himself in here; and that piece knows why Peter is gonna kill him.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [incredulously] A piece of Jack?

[Sam has leaped into Jack Stone, a man with a traumatic past]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I feel like I'm... possessed, Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Possessed?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Great. Now it's The Exorcist.

[Sam has asked Al to check out everything about Jack Stone]
Dr. Sam Beckett: What're you waiting for? Get going.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I'm waiting to see if your head's gonna spin around.

"Quantum Leap: Trilogy: Part 2 - June 14, 1966 (#5.9)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: She knows.
Dr. Sam Beckett: She doesn't kn-kn-know anything. She doesn't.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I just heard what she said. She felt it from the minute you leaped in and she knows it wasn't just Will she was with last night.

Dr. Sam Beckett: She's alive. She's alive. Abigail... is alive. There-there was a... fire and a w-window and... s-she got out, and I... didn't. But I'm alive. I'm alive and I'm-I'm back here as W-W... Will Kinman. Why? Why am I b-back here? This does not make any sense at all.
Admiral Al Calavicci: What doesn't make any sense at all? To whom are you talking? People are gonna think you're cuckoo, walkin' around like this.

Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know w-what to do, I-I... I want her. I want her so bad, it's killing me. I can't think about anything else, except ho-holding her and-and touching her and tasting her and smelling her. I feel like she b-belongs to me. And tha-that's all that m-matters.
Admiral Al Calavicci: What matters is that you are Sam Beckett. That's the reason that you got this crazy job.
Dr. Sam Beckett: It's not fair.
Admiral Al Calavicci: All right, it's not fair! It's not fair! Life isn't fair. Who ever said it was fair?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, don't s-stand there and tell me that life isn't f-fair, Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: You're here to save Abigail. You saved her once before. You've got to do it again. That's it!
Dr. Sam Beckett: W... Why me?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Because you're a hero.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Even heroes are h... human.

"Quantum Leap: Sea Bride - June 3, 1954 (#2.21)" (1990)
Admiral Al Calavicci: [about true love] I mean, it only happens once in a lifetime, and, and you have to be lucky.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Well, how would you know?
Admiral Al Calavicci: What do you mean, how would I know?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm... That's not, it's not fair, I'm sorry. I'm sure, I mean, given the sheer volume of attempts, that, uh, you had to luck out once.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah. All right, I had good odds, and, and yes, for one brief moment, it happened to me.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What, d'you forget to get her number?
Admiral Al Calavicci: No, I got married.

Catherine Farrington: Phillip, you smell horrible, but I don't care. I don't care about anything except being with you for the rest of my life... if you'll have me.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [projecting Phillip's and Catherine's future] Wow... Six kids! You guys are gonna be busy bunnies.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I think that can be arranged.

Dr. Sam Beckett: [Sam is in danger of being washed out to sea with the ship's garbage] Throw me a rope.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Throw you the rope! I can't throw you a rope. I'm a hologram.

"Quantum Leap: Permanent Wave - June 2, 1983 (#4.5)" (1991)
[Sam has to deal with a pair of very flirtatious twins]
Dr. Sam Beckett: [taking them in his arms] Let me ask you, ladies, what... is it exactly that you have in mind?
Lisel: Well, Elsa and I have a political function to attend. And we thought...
Dr. Sam Beckett: [starts kissing them one by one] Something, uh, wild, or something... free?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Hey! Is that part of me still in you or what?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Maybe.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Stop this!
Elsa: Maybe?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Maybe we should make some of those uptight political types really suffer! So why don't you ladies get out of those clothes, slip into some robes? We'll wash you...
Dr. Sam Beckett: We'll rinse you...
Dr. Sam Beckett: And I'll think of something really nasty for your hair. Rraorr!
[the twins growl back and disappear in a corridor; all the while, Al's face has become longer and longer]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Ha! You're drooling!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Of course I'm drooling. Why are you doing this to me? I never had my own little set of twins, ha-ha.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Because you deserve it.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Huh?
Dr. Sam Beckett: You nag me if I don't resist women, and you nag me if I do resist...
Admiral Al Calavicci: You're doing this to torture me!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yes. And it's working.

[last lines]
[Sam has offered to teach Kyle to swim, like a father would his son]
Kyle: Father?
Laura: What're you saying, Frank?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Um...
Admiral Al Calavicci: That's okay. Frank and Laura get married.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I guess... I guess I'm... asking you to marry me - Frank. M-me.
Laura: You guess?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I guess, "guess" is not the best choice of words, Sam.
Dr. Sam Beckett: [chuckles and clears throat] Will you marry me?
Kyle: Yes!
Laura: Yes. Yes!

Al: Their only desire is for you to pamper them, and play with their...
Sam: Al!
Al: With their hair! Their hair!

"Quantum Leap: Promised Land - December 22, 1971 (#5.11)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, I know that look.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What look?
Admiral Al Calavicci: What look? That look. The "I'm gonna save the world" look. Ziggy says this leap's over as soon as the brothers surrender.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I can't do that.
Admiral Al Calavicci: What do you mean you can't? Maybe I'm not making myself clear here. I'm talking life and death here.
Dr. Sam Beckett: So am I. Don't you get it, Al? It doesn't matter if you kill a man with a gun or with a pen. In the end, he's still dead. I'm home, Al. And I'm gonna stay right here.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I know that you're sympathetic with the situation here because it's your home town and all of that, but Ziggy says there's a 73.9% chance that if you surrender, you'll leap.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Leap? Why would I wanna leap? I'm home.
Admiral Al Calavicci: But you're here to save the brothers, right? So? You got to turn yourself in. Right? So? Let's go! Right?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I can't.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Eh... How did I know he was gonna say that?

Admiral Al Calavicci: [of Vernon] What a nozzle. I'd l-, I'd like to grab his Adam's apple and pull it out through his nostrils.

"Quantum Leap: Blood Moon - March 10, 1975 (#5.15)" (1993)
Admiral Al Calavicci: You should see this guy Corrington, Sam. He's, he's a first-class flesh eater. He's got all the classic signs. He's got the pale complexion, the beady eyes, the lustful stare.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al? You just described yourself.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [reading from a book on vampires] "Vampires are not merely blood seekers..."
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, no.
Admiral Al Calavicci: "They are sexually obsessed, and many of them possess insatiable carnal urges beyond the grave." Now, what does that tell you?
Dr. Sam Beckett: It tells me that vampires and holograms have a lot in common.

Admiral Al Calavicci: He has all the signs of the undead.
Dr. Sam Beckett: And you have all the signs of the brain dead.

"Quantum Leap: Memphis Melody - July 3, 1954 (#5.21)" (1993)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam! Sam! You'll never guess who's in the Waiting Room: Elvis Presley. Huh, you're him, and he's you.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I know I'm him and he's me. -... - Tell you one thing I would like to know, though, is what the heck I'm doin' here.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, Ziggy's working on it, but, uh, she's working with diminished capacity because she's starstruck.

Admiral Al Calavicci: According to Ziggy, the odds of the two of you getting a recording contract are a lousy 19-to-1.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, news flash: Ziggy has been wrong before. Right?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, but in 1954, the world was just not ready for Sonny and Cher. As a matter of fact, the world was never ready for Sonny and Cher.

Admiral Al Calavicci: He cancels out on Elvis! Oh! This is awful, Sam! Ziggy says now, Elvis doesn't even get discovered. And "Heartbreak Hotel" is recorded by the... Monkees! And "Jailhouse Rock" is recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn? Ughh! Gag me with a spoon!

"Quantum Leap: Ghost Ship - August 13, 1956 (#4.16)" (1992)
Dr. Sam Beckett: I can fly!
Admiral Al Calavicci: You can dial.

[about the Bermuda Triangle]
Sam: You're not gonna tell men that you believe all the myths, are you?
Al: Sam, a lot of freaky things have happened out here. There are ships that disappear, planes vanish, even on clear days like this one.
Sam: Disasters at sea are not that uncommon, even on clear days like this one.
Al: There's theories that say that it's either electromagnetic vortices or else it's...
Sam: Or sea monsters.
Al: How did you know?
Sam: Right, I remember.
Al: Giant prehistoric lizard fish have been seen my sailors in the Ber -
[Sam starts laughing]
Al: What's so funny? What are you laughing about?
Sam: I'm just joking, okay.
Al: This is no joke, Sam. If I wasn't a hologram, I wouldn't be caught dead out here.

[about the time he crashed in the Bermuda Triangle]
Capt. Cooper: I wasn't in the water those eight days in '44. I was picked up by the USS Cyclops the day I went in. Seven days later, she was torpedoed. Went down with everyone but me. A freighter, the Michael Z picked me up the next day. Now twice in eight days, I was the only survivor.
Sam: Well, that is quite a coincidence.
Capt. Cooper: Yeah, I guess so.
Al: [consulting the handlink] Sam, the USS Cyclops disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle in 1918, twenty-six years before Cooper was picked up.

"Quantum Leap: Shock Theater - October 3, 1954 (#3.22)" (1991)
Nurse Chatam: What's he looking at?
Tibby: The guy. The, the guy in the red jacket.
Admiral Al Calavicci: You can see me?
Tibby: Sure. Nice jacket.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, great. I'm tuned into little kids. I'm tuned into dogs. And now I'm tuned into the mentally absent. Why not blondes?

Nurse Chatam: What is it, Tibby?
Admiral Al Calavicci: [stopping Tibby who is pointing at him] Don't you say anything! Or they're gonna put you in a hole so deep under this place, you'll never get out!
Tibby: [to Chatam, smiling innocently] Nothing. Never mind.

Admiral Al Calavicci: [to Sam whose mind has been scrambled by an electro shock therapy session while in the persona of a mental patient] I've got Dr Beeks here with me. And she's got a theory to get you to leap.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Where is she?
Admiral Al Calavicci: She's right here. But you can't see her because she isn't tuned into your brainwaves like I am. Would you like to see her?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah, sure.
[Al looks as if he's taken someone by the hand and instantly Dr Beeks pops into view, who then says something to Al that's inaudible to Sam and the audience but not to him]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Well, I can see her, but I can't... I can't hear her.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, you can't hear her because touching her just brings in the image.
Dr. Sam Beckett: It's kinda weird.
Admiral Al Calavicci: This whole leap is weird Sam.

"Quantum Leap: Raped - June 20, 1980 (#4.6)" (1991)
[Sam has to testify as Katie at her rape trial the next morning]
Sam: Al. I think I figured out the solution to the problem.
Al: Well, then you're doing better than me and Ziggy.
Sam: Who's the one person who can tell us the truth about what happened that night?
Al: Katie.
Sam: Right. So we bring her in to testify.
Al: A-ha. How can we do that? She's in the waiting room.
Sam: No, wait a second. What if she's in the imaging chamber?
Al: And touching me!
Sam: Then I can see her.
Al: Yeah, but you couldn't hear her. And your lip-reading is terrible, as- Oh! I could repeat everything she says.
Sam: No, no, no, that would take too long. You have to figure out a way for me to hear her.
Al: How?
Sam: Well, I haven't figured that out. That's for you and Ziggy to work out.
Al: In twelve hours?
Sam: Oh, come on, twelve hours. What's twelve hours? You and Ziggy together? Come on!
Al: What makes you so sure?
Sam: It's all the time I got.

[Al enters through the imaging chamber door with Katie McBain]
Al: We did it, Sam. We did it. Of course, it took enough power to light up St. Louis for a month, but we did it.

[Kevin has been acquitted for the rape]
Nancy: I'm sorry. After your testimony, I was sure they'd convict him.
Colleen: You have to forget this, Katie. We'll, we'll-we'll go somewhere-, we'll go somewhere where no one know us.
Sam: I'm not running away. I've done nothing to be ashamed of.
Nancy: Your mom's right about putting it behind you, Katie.
Sam: How? How am I supposed to forget everything that's happened? And I'm not just talking about the rape, I'm talking about everything that's happened to me since then.
Nancy: I forgot by becoming a prosecuting attorney.
Sam: You were raped?
Nancy: [becoming emotional] Twelve years ago.
Al: The guy was never convicted.
Nancy: That's why I try to only take rape cases I think I can win. See, when I lose, I go through it all again.
Sam: [hugs her] I'm sorry.
Jim: Come on, honey.
Sam: Thank you for trying.

"Quantum Leap: Unchained - November 2, 1956 (#4.10)" (1991)
[Al has found out that Boone is innocent regarding the robbery of the jewelry store]
Dr. Sam Beckett: Was the real robber ever caught?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Uh, negative.
Dr. Sam Beckett: All right, look. You gotta find out who the real guy is, right, then get me the information so I can get it to the people who can do something about it!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, and if I had blond hair and I could sing, I'd be Madonna.

[last lines]
Jazz Boone: Hey! Hey. Tell Al goodbye for me.
Dr. Sam Beckett: He can hear ya.
Jazz Boone: Thanks, Al!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Thanks, Al.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Bye, Sam.

"Quantum Leap: Private Dancer - October 6, 1979 (#3.14)" (1991)
Dr. Sam Beckett: This is horrible!
Admiral Al Calavicci: What are you complaining about? Most guys would kill to be in a room full of screaming, sex-crazed women, who want nothing more than to...
Dr. Sam Beckett: Treat me like a piece of meat.
[he opens the door just a slit and slams it shut again to the still screaming crowd of women]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Exactly.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I had a thing for a deaf girl once. Boy, could she read lips.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, this is no time for one of your cheesy kiss-and-tell stories.
Admiral Al Calavicci: She was my lab partner at MIT. She was one of the brightest women I've ever known.
Dr. Sam Beckett: And she wouldn't sleep with you.
Admiral Al Calavicci: No.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Right?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Why does your Swiss-cheese memory remember stuff that I want to forget?

"Quantum Leap: Jimmy - October 14, 1964 (#2.8)" (1989)
Al: There was a girl named Trudy. She was retarded, Sam. Her IQ was lower than Jimmy's. And all the kids in the neighborhood, they used to tease her. Kids can be cruel. They'd call her names, like dummy and monkey face. And I hated it. And I used to get in fights all the time over this. But that's what big brothers are for, right? My mother couldn't handle it. That's probably why she ran off with this stupid encyclopedia salesman. But my dad tried to keep us all together. And he was a construction worker. He went from job to job, and then when it took him to the Middle East, I wound up in an orphanage, and she wound up in an institution. When I was old enough, I went back there for her, but it was too late. She was gone, Sam! Pneumonia they said. How does a 16-year-old girl die from pneumonia in 1953, Sam? We're not gonna lose Jimmy! Right?

Al: Well, we been having some difficulty. Ziggy, he's, uh, going through mood swings. I think we need get a girl computer put it right next to him, one with a nice set of *hard* disks.
Sam: You would.

"Quantum Leap: M.I.A. - April 1, 1969 (#2.22)" (1990)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, Sam. God, I love her. Beth is the only woman I ever really loved, she's the only one I ever wanted to grow old with. That's why all my marriages never worked after that. Sam, if you're lucky, life is gonna give you one shot at true love. And Beth was mine. I lost her, but you could get her back for me.
Dr. Sam Beckett: God, Al, I wish I could. But I can't, and no one knows that better than you.

[last lines]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Beth, I've missed you so much. It's been such a long time - 25 years. Of course you haven't changed, but I have. I'm an Admiral now - me, the ensign, that said that anyone with a rank above Lieutenant was a horse's ass.
[Beth laughs]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Beth, you didn't hear me, did you? Oh, Beth, tell me you can hear me.
[Beth gets up and changes the record]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Look at me, Beth. Oh, Sam, why did you make me do this?
[as Beth starts slowly moving to the music, Al joins and shadow-dances with her]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I want you to wait for me, Beth. Don't give up, honey. 'cause I'm alive out there. And I'm only alive... because of our love. And someday... oh, Beth - someday, I'm gonna come back home to you.
[kisses her forehead and leaps]
Beth Calavicci: Al.
[starts to cry]

"Quantum Leap: Rebel Without a Clue - September 1, 1958 (#3.9)" (1990)
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, I can't be a biker.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Where is your sense of adventure? Don't you know what it feels like?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Yeah, like playing slip and slide on asphalt! I mean, look at my leg.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Nah, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the way it feels when the, the sun blasts into your skin - if you've got sunscreen on - and the wind waves by your face and you sail off into the blue on your chrome-plated candy colored flaming red dream machine. You never know what's around the next corner.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Probably a head-on with a semi.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Don't tell me you were a biker, too.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Er... Well, my first car was a bike. I had a '48 Harley Knucklehead.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Named after you?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Pretend you didn't say that. I used to love to ride girls on the back of that thing. Ah, those were the days and nights.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Is there anything you haven't done, Al?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, there's one thing that's impossible to do on a bike...

"Quantum Leap: Hurricane - August 17, 1969 (#4.3)" (1991)
Admiral Al Calavicci: I can never figure out, when life is so short, how we always find time to argue. You'd think that we would look at the good things around us.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Carpe diem.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Seize the day.
Admiral Al Calavicci, Dr. Sam Beckett: [together] And that's the way it should be.

Cissy Davis: [to Sam] Next to Boface, you're the male I love most.
Admiral Al Calavicci: How do you feel about holograms?

"Quantum Leap: Piano Man - November 10, 1985 (#3.15)" (1991)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Play it again, Sam. I always wanted to say that!

Admiral Al Calavicci: What's the matter with you? What're you doing?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I'm following my gut.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I hope you got good guts.
Dr. Sam Beckett: So do I.

"Quantum Leap: A Hunting Will We Go - June 18, 1976 (#3.18)" (1991)
Al: There are five stages of love. The first is denial, then the second is sex, then there's acceptance, then there's divorce... and then there's more sex, if you're lucky.
Sam: Who wrote this textbook, you or Zsa Zsa?

Al: [At the rear of the bus, insisting on Diane's innocence] Sam, I can see it in her eyes!
Sam: You do not. You may feel it in your loins, but you definitely do not see it in her eyes.
Al: Sam!... I feel it in my loins.
Sam: Yeah.

"Quantum Leap: Miss Deep South - June 7, 1958 (#3.6)" (1990)
[Sam is embodying Darlene, a contestant at a beauty pageant, and currently wearing a 19th-century style dress]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Don't tell me, let me guess: Scarlett O'Hara on steroids.

[Sam is blocking Connie, who is undressing, from Al's view]
Admiral Al Calavicci: You know, you're really a prude.

"Quantum Leap: 8½ Months - November 15, 1955 (#3.12)" (1991)
Dr. Sam Beckett: I felt Billy Jean's baby kick inside of me right there!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Gas!
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: You probably feel gas from eating this junk.
Dr. Sam Beckett: No, no, no, no. Dotty felt it too.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, that'd be a neat trick, since Billy Jean's baby is inside Billy Jean forty years in the future!
Dr. Sam Beckett: All I know is, Dotty had her hand on my stomach, and we both felt the baby kick.

[Sam and Al still haven't found out who the father of Billy Jean's baby is]
Dr. Sam Beckett: There's gotta be somebody who can help me, Al!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, you tried your father, you tried... Dotty. There's... who? There's nobody else.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Nobody except the father of this baby. Only God knows where he is.
Effy: [walking in] Willis is probably walking home from work about now.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Out of the mouths of babes.

"Quantum Leap: Heart of a Champion - July 23, 1955 (#3.20)" (1991)
[Carl Shilo has caught his wife Sherry with Sam in a compromising situation]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I've been doing some checking, and it turns out Mrs. Sasquatch here gets her jollies from watching her hubby dismember other men on her behalf.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, she's left a trail of broken necks from coast to coast.
Dr. Sam Beckett: [to Sherry] You set me up!
Sherry Shilo: Well, a girl's got to have a hobby.

Dr. Sam Beckett: Can you believe it? I mean, can you believe how she set me up like that?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, you know, there's women that get a big thrill out of watching men suffer. Trust me on this, I've been married to most of them.

"Quantum Leap: Camikazi Kid - June 6, 1961 (#1.8)" (1989)
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al. Al! What year is it?
Admiral Al Calavicci: 1961.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Great. The tail end of the most immature period in history. All the guys still drink malts, drive hot rods and wear butch wax in their hair. And the girls all have pillow fights, chat on the phone, blind dates and get their panties raided.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Ah, those were the good old days.

Admiral Al Calavicci: Look what I picked up this morning.
Dr. Sam Beckett: The girl or the car?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Both. I met her at the car auction. She offered to wax my hood.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Well, she looks like she does good work.

"Quantum Leap: Stand Up - April 30, 1959 (#4.21)" (1992)
[Al tells Sam that MacKay will soon vanish]
Dr. Sam Beckett: What happens?
Admiral Al Calavicci: I don't know, he was never seen again. In Italian, we say he's probably sleeping with the fishes.

[last lines]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Say good night, Gracie.

"Quantum Leap: A Little Miracle - December 24, 1962 (#3.10)" (1990)
Dr. Sam Beckett: How could Blake see you?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, Ziggy says it was just a weird fluke.

Admiral Al Calavicci: I am the Ghost of Christmas Future.

"Quantum Leap: All-Americans - November 6, 1962 (#2.14)" (1990)
Al: I went over to check out the cheerleaders. Oh, Sam. There was one little girl who had these pommelos, man.
Sam: Pommelos are grapefruit.
Al: Pommel - that's my point!

Sam: Say something to me in Spanish.
Al: Uh, tu casa o mi casa.
Sam: My place or yours - Al!

"Quantum Leap: The Beast Within - November 6, 1972 (#5.19)" (1993)
Dr. Sam Beckett: [after reading Henry's journal] Al, there were four of them who went off to Vietnam. High school buddies.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Why do I get the feeling this story does not have a happy ending?

Daniel Burke: My mom may probably be mad at me now.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [to Roy] Why don't you tell him to go home?
Roy Brown: Sometimes a boy gotta break away from his mama.
Admiral Al Calavicci: On second thought, don't say anything!

"Quantum Leap: How the Tess Was Won - August 5, 1956 (#1.5)" (1989)
Al: Oh, well, almost all animals can see me. But you know, there must be something weird lookin' about me, because I seem to intimidate them.
Sam: Maybe it's your clothes.

"Quantum Leap: Runaway - July 4, 1964 (#3.11)" (1991)
Dr. Sam Beckett: She called me monkey boy? She did, she called me monkey boy!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Yeah, but that's her job. Hey! You're thirteen, she's your big sister. That's her job.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Thirteen? I'm old enough to be my own father.

"Quantum Leap: The Right Hand of God - October 24, 1974 (#1.4)" (1989)
Al: If we knew the unknown, the unknown wouldn't be unknown.

"Quantum Leap: Temptation Eyes - February 1, 1985 (#4.13)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Well, if she's psychic, how come she doesn't know that she's gonna die?
Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't know. I remember reading somewhere that, that psychics can foresee other people's deaths, but not their own.

"Quantum Leap: Freedom - November 22, 1970 (#2.16)" (1990)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, this is just terrific. It's like the past come to life. You know, he just... he painted the hoof prints on there, and that's to show how many horse raids they went on, or how many horses they stole.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I thought we just borrowed them.
Joseph Washakie: The horses don't know that, eh?

"Quantum Leap: Leaping in Without a Net - November 18, 1958 (#2.19)" (1990)
Admiral Al Calavicci: You can't reach! You gotta wait for her to come to you, and then you grab her. If you had done that, you would have caught her, just like on the double.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You really think so?
Admiral Al Calavicci: [laughing] Of course! Am I ever wrong? Marriages don't count.

"Quantum Leap: Black on White on Fire - August 11, 1965 (#3.7)" (1990)
Susan Brewster: [of Lonnie] He doesn't wanna be stopped, Ray. He wants to die.
Admiral Al Calavicci: I think she's right, Sam, I think he wants to be a martyr.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Is that right, Lonnie? You want to be a martyr?
Lonnie Harper: Me, a martyr? Oh, hell, man, Watts is full of martyrs. They don't need me to join 'em.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Then why?
Lonnie Harper: I'm tired of talkin' about 'why'.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Tired or scared?
Lonnie Harper: I ain't afraid o' nothing.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Except living.

"Quantum Leap: Double Identity - November 8, 1965 (#1.6)" (1989)
Admiral Al Calavicci: At 22:15 Greenwich Mean Time, you must plug in a thousand-watt hairdryer in a house located at 111 Erie Drive, Buffalo, New York.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?

"Quantum Leap: Star Light, Star Bright - May 21, 1966 (#5.6)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Your name is Maxwell Stoddard, you're 79 years old and you're convinced that you've been seeing U.F.O.s.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I did see one.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Uh, yeah. But see, that's what happens to you, Sam. Ziggy says your memory is Swiss-cheesed with the real Mr. Stoddard, who, by the way right now, is in the waiting room, and he thinks he's on his way to Venus.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Guy must be terrified.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Au contraire. He's in heaven. He keeps fingering our clothes. He wants to know what we eat. You know what he says to me? He says, he says, "Take me to your leader." So I turned him over to Gushie. Told him he was the king of the planet Halitosis.

"Quantum Leap: Thou Shalt Not... - February 2, 1974 (#2.7)" (1989)
[Sam is expecting to leap, but nothing happens]
Sam: I'm not going anywhere.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Try clicking your heels together three times and saying, "There's no place like home".

"Quantum Leap: The Americanization of Machiko - August 4, 1953 (#2.3)" (1989)
Naomi: I'm just as shocked as y'all are!
Admiral Al Calavicci: The only thing that'd shock her would be a cattle prod.

"Quantum Leap: Deliver Us from Evil - March 19, 1966 (#5.7)" (1992)
[Alia his holding Sam at gunpoint]
Al: You gotta stop her, because she's gonna destroy you and Jimmy and the whole family.
Sam: Where do you come from?
Alia: What difference does it make? You lost and I won.
Sam: So you're gonna shoot me?
Alia: You're not the first person I've killed, Sam.
Zoey: Get on with it.
Sam: Why are you doing this?
Al: Because she's evil.
Sam: Evil?
Zoey: Now, there's a novel concept.
Al: Sam, she's your counterpart. You're good and she's evil. That's what she does.
Sam: No, I don't believe that there's some force leaping her around, ruining people's live for the pleasure of it.
Zoey: How deliciously naïve.
Alia: Then you're a fool.

"Quantum Leap: Roberto! - January 27, 1982 (#4.17)" (1992)
Jani Eisenberg: I'll tell you what. Why don't you lie down in the parking lot and I'll accidentally back over you with my car. Probably we can get a whole week out of that!
Admiral Al Calavicci: Sam, Roberto would never let her get away with that. Try this...
Dr. Sam Beckett: What's the matter, did you fall off your broomstick this morning?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Stay on her, Sam.
Dr. Sam Beckett: And what earth-shattering news are you working on this week?
Jani Eisenberg: Gas stations that promise full service but don't deliver.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [sarcastic] Now there's a national emergency.
Dr. Sam Beckett: [snatching up a phone] Get Me The President!

"Quantum Leap: Maybe Baby - March 11, 1963 (#2.20)" (1990)
Al: [singing, trying to remember the lyrics] All around the something... the monkey chased the weasel... the monkey did something... and something happened to the weasel.

"Quantum Leap: The Leap Home: Part 2 (Vietnam) - April 7, 1970 (#3.2)" (1990)
[Al the hologram didn't tell Sam to free him from the POW camp while he was leaping, instead letting Sam save his brother's life]
Al: What the hell. I got repatriated in 5 years.
Sam: You could have been free.
[taps his temple and smiles faintly]
Al: I was free up here... I was always free.

"Quantum Leap: Blind Faith - February 6, 1964 (#2.5)" (1989)
[Sam is feeding Chopin, the seeing-eye dog]
Admiral Al Calavicci: Look at this. This dog eats better than I do.
Dr. Sam Beckett: This dog works harder than you do.

"Quantum Leap: It's a Wonderful Leap - May 10, 1958 (#4.18)" (1992)
Admiral Al Calavicci: They must serve a lot of sweets in heaven.
Angelita Carmen Guadalupe Cecelia Jiminez: Well, you're never going to find out.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh? Why not?
Angelita Carmen Guadalupe Cecelia Jiminez: There's a dress code.

"Quantum Leap: Star-Crossed - June 15, 1972 (#1.3)" (1989)
Admiral Al Calavicci: Ziggy is blowing out microchips like they were popcorn. He just, he didn't see it coming.
Dr. Sam Beckett: What?
Admiral Al Calavicci: What? Sam, this is the 17th of June 1972.
Dr. Sam Beckett: So?
Admiral Al Calavicci: So? We're in the Watergate! Break-in, Nixon, impeachment...
Dr. Sam Beckett: I don't remember.
Admiral Al Calavicci: Oh, boy. The Republicans would love you.

"Quantum Leap: Nuclear Family - October 26, 1962 (#3.21)" (1991)
Sam: Do you have to sneak up on me?
Al: I'm sorry. What do you expect a hologram to do? Knock?