Carlton Banks
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Quotes for
Carlton Banks (Character)
from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" (1990)

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"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Just Say Yo (#3.19)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: [when Carlton has a zit on his face] Look at my face!
William 'Will' Smith: Oh, please, man! We eatin' here!

Carlton Banks: Ashley, you take out the garbage.
Ashley Banks: Why me?
Carlton Banks: Because I'm bigger than you.
William 'Will' Smith: See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.

Carlton Banks: Every time I have a big date, I get a big pimple.
William 'Will' Smith: Well, judging by the size of that thing, you must be going out with Nell Carter.

Carlton Banks: [while in the hospital] Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain. What about when I go into political office?
Nurse Irene: I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.

Will: [to the nurse about Carlton] Does he look like a drug addict?
Nurse Irene: Do I?
Will: Can we stick to the subject, please?
Nurse Irene: [to Carlton] Listen, sweetie, the first time I came to this hospital, it was on a stretcher. I've been from Yale to jail and from Park Avenue to park bench, but now I'm clean and sober.
Carlton: That's really touching but do you think you can get me a nurse without a record?
Nurse Irene: [to Will] I like him. Try and help him to stick around

Carlton Banks: Will, how long have you been on drugs?
William 'Will' Smith: I haven't been. Someone gave them to me. I've been really stressed out with everything I have...
Carlton Banks: Will, calm down. You're not the only person in this house that hasn't thought about it.
William 'Will' Smith: You? You don't seem like the type that would even consider drugs.
Carlton Banks: Well, I have, but after last night, I never will again.

Will: [when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!
Carlton: [while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my...
[Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]
Carlton's Date: [screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!
Will: [Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...

Will: [to Carlton as he's waking up at the hospital after overdosing from drugs] Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful!
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news...
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned!
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact...
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: [about the drugs] It was Speed...
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict *and* a virgin!
Will: Shut up! Shut up, shut up. Now be quiet!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Boyz in the Woods (#3.8)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid!

Carlton Banks: [about Uncle Phil's driving] Dad knows exactly what he's doing. Do you think anybody would drive by the same tree seven times on purpose?

Carlton Banks: For a long time, it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It shows you just how cruel this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." Why couldn't they just give him some cereal?

Carlton Banks: [after surviving the night in a cave] Dad, wake up! We made it!
Philip Banks: [while asleep] Vivian, Vivian, I'm not a machine!

Carlton Banks: [speaks into his tape recorder] Carlton's log. My cousin has finally lost his nerves. I, on the other hand, have the strength of a thousand men.
William 'Will' Smith: Will's log
[pulls tree branch off the ground]
William 'Will' Smith: is about to connect with Carlton's head!

Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares, witnessing an injustice like that... It's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him... "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Mistaken Identity (#1.6)" (1990)
Will: Yeah, we done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed eight Benzitos, 15 Jags and a Mazzerati, but I ain't like the upholstery so we took it back, Jack!
Scott: [Scott is really the News reporter] And do you have anything to say?
Carlton: [whiny voice] Dad!

Carlton Banks: [recording on a tape recorder] Plans for Palm Springs. One, work on golf swing, two, review SAT practice book, three ask Mr. Furth about a summer internship.
William 'Will' Smith: [pops up from behind Carlton's chair in a Freddy Krueger mask] Four, get the stick out of your butt.

Carlton Banks: [to Will] We were detained for a few hours, Dad straightened everything up and we were released. The system works.
William 'Will' Smith: I hope you like that system. You're going to be seeing a lot of it in your life.
Carlton Banks: Not if I bring a map.
William 'Will' Smith: You haven't learned a thing this weekend. No map is going to help you. Neither is your glee club or who your daddy is because when you drive a fancy car in a strange neighborhood, none of that matters. They only see one thing.

[last lines]
Carlton Banks: Dad, if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving two miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?
Philip Banks: I asked myself that question the first time I was stopped. Good night, son.
[exits room]
Carlton Banks: [to himself] I would stop it.

Carlton Banks: The police were doing their job. We were detained a couple hours, and dad came and got us out. The system worked.
Will: I hope you like that system, because you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it in your life.
Carlton Banks: Not if I bring a map.
Will: Man, you don't get it, do you? A map is not gonna help you. Neither is your Glee Club, or your fancy Bel-Air address, or who your daddy is. They don't care about any of that. They only see one thing.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Where There's a Will, There's a Way: Part 1 (#4.1)" (1993)
Philip Banks: [to Carlton] I don't want you to move out.
Carlton Banks: Sorry, Dad, I have to go.
Philip Banks: No, you don't.
Carlton Banks: Will says I do. He said it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent, and have sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Philip Banks: [to Will as he walks into the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been telling my boy? That life is one big orgy?
[backs Carlton and Will in a corner]
Philip Banks: Well, college is hard work, son! And after that, a family, which is even more hard work, and a teenage daughter who doesn't want to be seen in public with you, and a wife, a wife, who won't let anywhere near her, and a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener, a gard...
Carlton Banks: Dad!

Carlton Banks: [about his date] I'm not bringing her anywhere near you.
William 'Will' Smith: I'm your cousin.
Carlton Banks: The cousin that stole every woman I ever had.
William 'Will' Smith: Oh, please. I stole one girl.
Carlton Banks: My point exactly.

Phillip Banks: Carlton, you don't have to do anything.
Carlton: Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest and start having sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!

Carlton Banks: [Whispering to Will who has been out getting their stolen stuff back] This is Jacqueline
William 'Will' Smith: [Also whispering] This is the TV

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Mama's Baby, Carlton's Maybe (#3.5)" (1992)
Vivian Banks: Carlton, being a teenage parent is very hard and you have already proved yourself irresponsible by getting yourself into this mess. How are you gonna raise him, feed him, educate him?
Carlton Banks: Wait. You guys aren't gonna take care of us?
Vivian Banks: Hold me back, Phillip!
William 'Will' Smith: Stand back, y'all. I got a banana and if either of you take one more step, I'll fill both of ya with potassium.

William 'Will' Smith: You know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads?
Carlton Banks: Yeah?
William 'Will' Smith: You don't look nothing like him.

Carlton Banks: Here comes Mr. Ducky! Doesn't he quack you up? Wow, if I could make a throw like that, they wouldn't have made me play on the girls' team.

Carlton Banks: I'm a virgin.
Groom: It's nice to know someone still is.

[the girl Carlton was supposed to marry leaves him at the altar]
Carlton: When she told her parents she was going to marry me, they came and got her right away.
Will: What if the kid's yours?
Carlton: He's not.
Will: Come on, Carlton. Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Strip-Tease for Two (#2.24)" (1992)
Geoffrey: Ahh, my financial advisors have arrived. Moron! Fat head!
Carlton Banks: I didn't know the Dodgers were playing.
Geoffrey: They're not.

Geoffrey: It's called inside information and it's quite illegal.
Carlton Banks: So is that French nanny you're dating.

Vivian Banks: Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
Carlton Banks: Mommy!

Philip Banks: I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
Carlton Banks: We needed the money.
Philip Banks: For what? And I want the truth.
William 'Will' Smith: All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Philip Banks: Federal offense. Go on.
William 'Will' Smith: Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Philip Banks: Grand larceny. Impressive.
William 'Will' Smith: Then, we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
Philip Banks: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?
Carlton Banks: I'm afraid so, Dad. We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.
Philip Banks: You never got... I don't know what to say! What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
William 'Will' Smith: I don't know, reward us for our honesty? Hey, it worked for the Beav.

Carlton Banks: Granted, we are desperate for money, but maybe you should stop and think about the kind of life you'd be leading.
William 'Will' Smith: Yeah, you're right... dancing around in some cheap club, while women put dollars down my underpants... I LOVE this country!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Will Goes a Courtin' (#4.6)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: [to Steffi] Steffi, go home. You're not age-appropriate for this party.
[puts on a duck floatie]
Carlton Banks: I'm going swimming.

Philip Banks: [to Will and Carlton] How dare you two defy me?
Carlton Banks: Now, see here, big guy!
[Uncle Phil pokes Carlton's duck tube causing it to pop]
Carlton Banks: Oh, my God! Howard!
[runs away and starts crying]

William 'Will' Smith: [to Geoffrey] G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night?
Geoffrey: Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
William 'Will' Smith: What? A sit-up?
Geoffrey: It's a bit more serious than that I'm afraid. You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams, and the barbeque ribs left over from yesterday?
Carlton Banks: Yeah?
[Geoffrey opens the fridge]
William 'Will' Smith: [he and Carlton jump back shocked] Oh, my God! It's still there!

Carlton Banks: Will, have you seen Dad anywhere around?
William 'Will' Smith: [looks around for Uncle Phil and spots him] Well, that's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Home Is Where the Heart Attack Is (#4.10)" (1993)
William 'Will' Smith: Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him; he's there for you? You know where my father is?
Carlton Banks: No.
William 'Will' Smith: Neither do I.
Carlton Banks: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.
Carlton Banks: Not my father!
William 'Will' Smith: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!

Carlton Banks: It's pointless for Dad to get this extra life insurance. He'll probably outlive all of us.
William 'Will' Smith: Only if he eats us first.

[Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack]
Carlton: Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me.
Phillip Banks: Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh?

Carlton Banks: You don't understand it, Will.
William 'Will' Smith: Yes, I do... you're selfish.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: How I Spent My Summer Vacation (#3.1)" (1992)
[on why he ran away because of Uncle Phil]
Will: What if he told you you couldn't wear plaid anymore?
Carlton: Don't even joke about that, Will. That's not funny.
Will: [to Hilary] And what if he told you you couldn't entertain men in the jacuzzi anymore?
Vivian: You had a man in the Jacuzzi?
Hilary: [pause] This isn't about me, it's about Will.
Vivian: I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi.
Hilary: Look, I have my own private life. What happened between me and the man in the Jacuzzi is between me, the man, and his video camera.

Vivian: [Carlton comes home from the airport all beaten up] Sweetie, what happened to you?
Carlton: Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel.
Will: I thought we'd get the luggage faster.
Vivian: So did they all mob you for autographs?
Carlton: No. Five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard.

Carlton: Will, you MUST change.
Will: Carlton, you MUST grow.

Philip Banks: Will, get changed now!
Will: You think someone will think I'm a drug dealer or something? Why wouldn't someone think I'm a doctor?
[Carlton takes Will's hat off, showing off his hair]
Carlton: Because everyone knows Buckwheat didn't go to medical school.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: PSAT Pstory (#2.4)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: [to Will about the PSAT] I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But, I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.
Carlton Banks: Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect.
[sprays kitchen window]
William 'Will' Smith: Then, why are you using car wax on the window?
William 'Will' Smith: This a window, this is Windex. Can you say that, IittIe boy?

Carlton: Will, if I were you, I'd be preparing for the PSATs.
Will: Carlton, if I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

Carlton: Who said, "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees"?
Will: I'm guessin' that one wasn't Madonna.

Carlton Banks: My life is over. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away. I'll have to get a jheri curl and a tattoo! I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of personal violence.
William 'Will' Smith: They won't send you to prison for cheating on a test.
Carlton Banks: I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: It's Better to Have Loved and Lost It... (#4.5)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: The dean from Princeton will be at school this weekend. Do you know what that means?
Will: You'll be kissing some major butt?
Carlton Banks: Exactly.

Carlton Banks: [to Joann] Can I kiss you good night?
Joann Morgan: Yes... tomorrow morning.
Carlton Banks: What time should I come back and...
[he is pulled into the hotel room]

Carlton Banks: I did it.
Will: You mean you and Joann...
[Ashley walks in the room]
Will: made the deal?
Ashley Banks: What are you talking about?
Will: Business, Ash. Have some breakfast.
[to Carlton]
Will: So, who put the offer on the table?
Carlton Banks: She did, and the terms were so attractive I jumped on at it right away, and don't worry... I protected my investment.
[Will and Carlton run out of the room laughing as Hilary walks in]
Hilary Banks: What was that about?
Ashley Banks: Carlton lost his virginity.

Carlton Banks: Is the great Will Smith admitting he's wrong?
Will: Well there's a first time for everything... but I guess you knew that.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: 72 Hours (#1.23)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: Will, I've never judged you, but you always act like you carry around some measure of blackness that I don't live up to.
Will: Wait a minute, you never judged me? You do everything except carry around a big 'ol gavel. You act like I'm an idiot just because I talk different.

Will: Here we are. Jazz's crib.
Carlton Banks: Crib: dwelling, home, place of residence.
[holds up note-cards and Will takes them]
Will: Hip-hop flashcards?

Will: Aroomph!
Jazz, Mad Dog: Aroomph!
[Carlton tries to join in]
Carlton: Aroomph!
[awkward silence]

[Carlton is planning to hang out in a dangerous neighborhood to fit in with the homies]
Will: You have no idea what MacArthur Park is like. It's dangerous, man.
Carlton: Oh, Will, if there's any danger, I'll just call the park rangers.
Will: [annoyed] It's not that kind of park, Boo Boo!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Cold War (#3.12)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: [to Will] Why don't you act like an adult?
William 'Will' Smith: Why don't you look like one?

Carlton Banks: [to Will] Why don't you go live with Paula while you're sick?
William 'Will' Smith: She already asked her parents. They said no.

William 'Will' Smith: [sneezes]
Carlton Banks: Okay, Will, I'm onto you.
William 'Will' Smith: Look, Carlton, man. I have no idea what you are talking about.
Carlton Banks: I'm not stupid, Will. It's all coming together. The runny nose, the watery eyes. You just couldn't keep your hands to yourself.
William 'Will' Smith: Look, look, Carlton. Now, I know you are sick, probably a little delirious now. You probably had one too many of those children's aspirin or something.
Carlton Banks: That piece was mine.
William 'Will' Smith: You ain't get to get all nasty.
Carlton Banks: You shouldn't have done it, Will.
William 'Will' Smith: I know, I know, Carlton. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken Paula out. You're right, man. She was coming onto me. I just couldn't resist, man.
Carlton Banks: Paula? I was talking about that last piece of cheesecake.
William 'Will' Smith: [looks around and starts stammering] Uh, so was I. See, you ain't hip to it. See in Philly, we name our food, right? Like cheesecake is Paula and uh, a Snack Pack is Boomsheeka.
[looks toward the camera and speaks into it]
William 'Will' Smith: I can't see him, you can. Is he buying it?
Carlton Banks: [folds his arms and sneers at Will]

Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult?
Will: Why don't you *look* like one?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Robbing the Banks (#3.15)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to Luther and say, "Hey, mister. Can I have my baseball back? And please don't snap my neck like a twig."

Carlton Banks: If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and acts like a duck, what is it?
William 'Will' Smith: Your prom date.

William 'Will' Smith: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Carlton Banks: Oh, God. What happened?
William 'Will' Smith: We've been robbed.
Hilary Banks: Oh, my God. What did they take?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Will Gets Committed (#3.2)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: Dad, don't do anything stupid! You haven't updated your will yet.

Simone: Carlton, slow down. I want to hear more about your collection of Sea-Monkeys.
Carlton Banks: Will you marry me?
William 'Will' Smith: Well, there go the nerdyweds.

Young Carlton: I'm black?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Guess Who's Coming to Marry? (#2.6)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: [to Bobby] I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Bobby: [about the family sleeping arrangements] I wanna sleep with Carlton.
Carlton Banks: I always dreamt when I heard those words, it would be Paula Abdul saying them.

Carlton Banks: [to Will] I have compiled a special melody of songs. Give a listen:
Carlton Banks: Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony, because the world is black, the world is white, it turns by day and then by night, since she's got jungle fever, he's got jungle fever, they've got jungle fever, we're in love!
[stops singing]
Carlton Banks: What do you think?
William 'Will' Smith: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Ethnic Tip (#1.17)" (1991)
William 'Will' Smith: I'm gonna be the star of this class
Carlton Banks: No you're not I am
William 'Will' Smith: You tripping, how you figure that?
Carlton Banks: Because the teacher's my mummy

Vivian Banks: [After Will proposes a Black History class] That's not a bad idea
Will: It's not?
Philip Banks: It's not?
Carlton Banks: [offscreen] It's not?

Vivian Banks: I'll go with you
William 'Will' Smith: You will?
Philip Banks: You will?
Carlton Banks: You will?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: A Night at the Oprah (#3.9)" (1992)
Philip Banks: My God, is that Will?
Vivian Banks: [sarcastically] No, Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.
Carlton Banks: No, Mom, I think that's really Will.

Vivian Banks: Hilary, you are not to have men in the pool house.
Carlton Banks: I hate to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a makeup case there.
Hilary Banks: That's a lie!
Carlton Banks: Is not!
Hilary Banks: Stand on a chair and say that to my face!

Hilary Banks: Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy. When I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house, he let me live out back.
Oprah Winfrey: He kicked you out of the house?
Carlton Banks: Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Sleepless in Bel-Air (#4.14)" (1994)
Carlton Banks: I thought Ashley was in bed.
William 'Will' Smith: Yeah, and you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Carlton Banks: Will, let me tell you a little story about the grasshopper and the ant.
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, ok?
Carlton Banks: [Will is about to leave, but Carlton stops him] Just listen!
[they both sit down on the couch]
Carlton Banks: See, the grasshopper goofed off, while the ant worked hard storing up food for the winter. When the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?
William 'Will' Smith: Yep! Even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.
[Will leaves]

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Hex and the Single Guy (#4.7)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: I'm telling you, Dad. That hex is gonna pick us off one by one, and we'll all end up on Unsolved Mysteries.

Carlton Banks: Oh, my God! My head! I look like a snowcone! What happened?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Granny Gets Busy (#2.5)" (1991)
Philip Banks: [when Will and Carlton are making a dress] Son...
[sees Carlton wearing a dress]
Philip Banks: and I use that term loosely. What's going on?
Carlton Banks: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
Carlton Banks: That's exactly what it looks like.

William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, this is the saddest sight I've ever seen. Other than your girlfriend in biker shorts.
Carlton Banks: When did you see my girlfriend in biker shorts?
Geoffrey: Last Thursday at the tennis courts. Magnificent server.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Asses to Ashes (#3.10)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: Look, I think I know how to help Will. This calls for tough love. We've gotta draw him out, we gotta bait him, confront him, attack him until he defends himself. Only then will he start to feel better. Just follow my lead. Will, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Ashley Banks: How could you do such a thing?
Hilary Banks: Hope you never get mad at me.
William 'Will' Smith: Why y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business and eating some fruit!
Carlton Banks: Well, I could be wrong.

Vivian Banks: Carlton, take out the garbage.
Carlton Banks: I did it last week. It's the terminator's turn.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: You've Got to Be a Football Hero (#4.12)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing? You can't drink!
William 'Will' Smith: Why not?
Carlton Banks: Because you're underage. It's against the law, mister!
William 'Will' Smith: Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.

Carlton Banks: I'm going to drive Jackie home, hand over your car keys.
William 'Will' Smith: Okay.
[gives Carlton a key, Carlton leaves]
William 'Will' Smith: Have fun driving my gym locker! Ha ha!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Father of the Year (#4.4)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: Aha! I go to check on my little brother and what do I find? A zucchini! A zucchini, Will!

Carlton Banks: I'm calling Mom and Dad at the Bel-Air hotel!
[goes to the payphone]
Carlton Banks: Do you have a quarter?
William 'Will' Smith: Nah. You have to buy something.
Carlton Banks: Fine, I'll take a pack of gum.
William 'Will' Smith: Sorry, we' closed,

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Will Gets a Job (#2.3)" (1991)
William 'Will' Smith: If there's anybody that's not like Carlton
[hits his chest]
William 'Will' Smith: it's this guy right here, man!
Carlton Banks: [comes into the kitchen] Geoffrey, I'm famished. Can you make me a gargonzola sandwich on a croissant for me? Heavy on the Grey Poupon.
William 'Will' Smith: Uncle Phil is right! I'm turning into Carlton, man. Yo, that's it man. No more of these sissy sandwiches, no more preppy parties, and no more hittin' Uncle Phil for handouts, and you know what? You see this check?
[tears up the check Uncle Phil gave him]
William 'Will' Smith: Now you see it, now you don't! The Funky Fresh is back in the flesh with a vengence, homes!
William 'Will' Smith: [Geoffrey walks away with the sandwich made for Will, but Will stops him] I'm gonna eat that though. I'm just not gonna enjoy it.

Carlton Banks: [to Ashley's friend who has a crush on him] No, Tina! I don't care if you can get in for half-price, I am not taking you to see Jungle Fever.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Viva Lost Wages (#6.8)" (1995)
Carlton Banks: I bet five on black and five on red.
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton that cancels the bet, you can't win.
Carlton Banks: Maybe so but I can't lose either.
William 'Will' Smith: Unless it's...
[roulette wheels hits 00]

Carlton Banks: My they're pumping a lot of oxygen into this room!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Something for Nothing (#2.12)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: I'm ready for Monte Carlo Night. I read this book from cover to cover. Ask me about any odd pairing.
William 'Will' Smith: Okay, why is Michael Jackson hanging out with that kid from Home Alone?

Carlton Banks: This is amazing! Did you know that the odds of getting hit by an asteroid are 1 in 6,000?
William 'Will' Smith: Really? I'm feeling kinda lucky, man. Why don't you go outside?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Christmas Show (#2.13)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: [singing] Deck the slopes with babes in tight pants: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Carlton's gonna get some romance: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
William 'Will' Smith: [singing] No, you're not 'cause you're too ugly: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. They'll all be in my room, cute and snuggly: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Carlton Banks: [when everyone starts singing] Hey! Wait a minute. You guys are drowning me out. My gift to you is a solo.
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, you can still sing solo. So low that we can't hear you.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Winner Takes Off (#3.14)" (1993)
Carlton Banks: Hey, G, would you make me a sandwich?
Geoffrey: But, of course.
Geoffrey: [places a slice of bread on Carlton's head] Now you're a sandwich.

William 'Will' Smith: [Will and Carlton fake sadness to get Geoffrey home] This is my little brother, Carlton. He knows we can't afford new clothes, so he just doesn't grow!
Carlton Banks: [to Geoffrey] Daddy, I wanna grow!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Mother of All Battles (#2.2)" (1991)
[Will is teaching Ashley how to fight]
Carlton: What the heck is going on here?
Will: Hey, sorry, man, homegirl said she was a Vanilla Ice fan, I kinda lost my head.
Carlton: You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Carlton: Remember, "we must never negotiate out of fear and we must never fear to negotiate" - John F. Kennedy.
Will: But, never forget, "mama said knock you out" - LL Cool J.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: That's No Lady, That's My Cousin (#3.3)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: Wow! She's cool, she's hot, she's...
William 'Will' Smith: Your baby sister, man!
Carlton Banks: [screams]

Kenny: [to Ashley] Baby, I'm telling you, you got more moves than a bowl of Jell-O and there's always room for Jell-O.
Ashley Banks: Wow!
William 'Will' Smith: Dude sounds like a jackass.
Ashley Banks: So, when are we going out?
Kenny: Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you my undivided attention.
Carlton Banks: Actually, Will. He's better than you.
Kenny: I mean, look at you, you got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips, and fingertips...
[sees another girl]
Kenny: , but baby got back!
[to Ashley]
Kenny: Bye, baby.
[while chasing after the girl]
Kenny: Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute!
Carlton Banks: [to Will] Look, I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!
[runs off as well]

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Be My Baby Tonight (#2.23)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: So, how about that asbestos?
Ms. Rinkoff: Asbestos huh? Last I heard it was called knocking boots.

Philip Banks: Who's pregnant?
William 'Will' Smith: Not me.
Carlton Banks: Me either.
Hilary Banks: ...I'm going to go on a limb and make that unanimous.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse (#4.24)" (1994)
Philip Banks: Carlton, am I a good father?
Carlton Banks: Yes, you're the best! Now can I have early access to my trust fund?
Philip Banks: Not a chance.
Carlton Banks: I hate you!

[after discovering Will's father unexpectedly]
Carlton Banks: So is he a cop?
William 'Will' Smith: He's my father.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Courting Disaster (#1.11)" (1990)
Carlton Banks: [to Philip] You started coming to my games only after Will joined the team.
Philip Banks: I wanted to support Will.
Carlton Banks: But you wouldn't come when it was just me.
Philip Banks: Carlton, I'd like to come to everything you do. I always come to your tennis matches, to your glee club concerts, to your debate matches. Frankly, keeping up with your extracurricular activities is a 24-hour a day job.

William 'Will' Smith: [to Carlton] You should be the happiest guy in the world.
Carlton Banks: Yeah, why?
William 'Will' Smith: Because you got out of that locker room alive. Coach Smilie was upset. You're lucky it was just a starter's pistol.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Alma Matter (#3.18)" (1993)
Carlton: [Carlton's Guardian Angel is showing him life in the Banks' household without him] What happened? And where's Mom?
Carlton's Guardian Angel: Without you, the family was defenseless against Will. They focused more on happiness than success. Your mom ran away with the milkman, your dad quit his practice to take up painting, Ashley does nothing but dance all day long, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not *everything* changed.
Carlton: But they're not making any money. So what if they're happy? How are they going to pay for this house? Our cars? Our club memberships?
Carlton's Guardian Angel: They're not. They're going to lose it all. Happiness has ruined them.
Carlton: I've got to save them! I've got to teach them about greed, social climbing, and how to claim your dog as a dependant!

Carlton: Oh my God, it's Tom Jones! What are you doing here?
Carlton's Guardian Angel: Well, I'm your Guardian Angel.
Carlton: No offense, Tom, but I always thought my Guardian Angel would be black.
Carlton's Guardian Angel: Well, I knew Otis Redding.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: She Ain't Heavy (#2.8)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: [to Will] There's a curse on me. All the good tuxes have been rented and when I put my shoes down, a Labrador came and took off with them. What else could go wrong?
William 'Will' Smith: What about that big 'ol zit on your nose?
Carlton Banks: Aahhh!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Stop Will! in the Name of Love (#4.18)" (1994)
Carlton: Will, it's only 7 am. What are you doing up?
Will: Oh man, I've been up for hours. I did about 20 laps in the pool, I shot some hoops, ran around the track six times, oh and I waxed your car for you, man.
Carlton: No nookie last night, huh?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Harder They Fall (#4.21)" (1994)
Carlton Banks: Oh Will, have you no shame?
William 'Will' Smith: Of course, I'm ashamed of you.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: I, Clownius (#6.13)" (1996)
Carlton: Now what do we do when we get caught?
Geoffrey: Laugh.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Soooooooul Train (#5.8)" (1994)
Carlton Banks: I'm worried about my parents. I've been listening outside their bedroom.
William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, he's not hurting her.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Grumpy Young Men (#5.4)" (1994)
[while unconscious, Will dreams about Carlton and himself being old and fighting]
William 'Will' Smith: I ought to knock your teeth out.
Carlton Banks: Go ahead; they're on a glass next to my bed.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Eye, Tooth (#6.22)" (1996)
[Will accidentally breaks William Shatner's tooth with a cuestick]
Carlton: Don't worry, Captain. We'll get you to the dentist, warp speed.
William Shatner: Get a life!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Same Game, Next Season (#5.12)" (1994)
Phillip Banks: Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich!
Carlton: That's right, we are rich.
Will: If we're so rich...
[Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights]
Will: ...why we ain't go no ceiling?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: You Bet Your Life (#3.21)" (1993)
Will: [to Carlton during their road trip] Look, man, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Carlton Banks: I'm sorry, but the next bathroom break isn't scheduled for another 33 minutes.
Will: That may be so, but whether you stop or not, I'm going in one minute.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bourgie Sings the Blues (#6.4)" (1995)
[talking on the phone]
Carlton Banks: What do you mean I didn't get the job? ...Budget problems? But I was volunteering!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Geoffrey Cleans Up (#2.16)" (1992)
Carlton: [Carlton puts on toupee on Philip's head] So, Dad, what do you think?
Phillip Banks: I look like Little Richard: Attorney at Law.
Geoffrey: Dinner is served.
[sees Philip with the toupee on]
Geoffrey: A-Wop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: When You Hit Upon a Star (#4.17)" (1994)
Carlton Banks: Hey, I checked her coat.
Geoffrey: Really? I wonder who'll play you in the movie of her life.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Blood Is Thicker Than Mud (#4.8)" (1993)
Carlton: How dare you not take Will. He's full of potential!
Top Dog: That's why we want him. It's you we don't want.
Carlton: What? But I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I hand-washed your toilets.
Top Dog: Everything your butler does for you. I'm not accepting no Bel-Air bred prep school sellout into my fraternity.
Will: Hey man! You can stop all that-
Carlton: No, wait Will. I got this one.
Carlton: You think I'm a sellout... Why? Because I live in a big house where I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow?
Will: Yo, he mean Barry White, y'all.
Carlton: Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am. I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles as you, so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together, but you don't even know what that means. If you ask me, you're the real sellout.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bullets Over Bel-Air (#5.15)" (1995)
[last lines]
Will: Give me a hug.
Carlton Banks: What?
Will: I said give me a hug, man. A brother get shot, he get a little emotional. Now, get over here and give me some love.
[Carlton gives Will a hug, then Will feels something in Carlton's jacket pocket]
Will: What's that?
Carlton Banks: It's a gun.
Will: Carlton, are you out of your mind, man? You walking around carrying a gun, what do you think you're gonna do with that?
Carlton Banks: It's for protection.
Will: Carlton, you think it's that easy to just shoot somebody?
Carlton Banks: I'll close my eyes.
[Carlton flips a food tray in anger]
Will: I was gonna eat that, man.
Carlton Banks: Everything's a damn joke to you.
Will: So what, you don't think I'm mad? Huh? I've been laying up in this hospital an inch away from being paralyzed, you don't think I wanna get up out this bed and go catch that...
Carlton Banks: It's not gonna happen again, not to me!
Will: Carlton, I understand that you're scared, man, but the world can be a scary place. You just gotta learn to deal with it, alright?
Carlton Banks: Yeah, well, I found my way.
Will: That's not you, man, that's them.
Carlton Banks: Look, I didn't come here for your approval, alright? I came here to see how you were. I'm outta here.
Will: Carlton.
Carlton Banks: No more hugs, Will.
Will: I saved your life, man. I saved your life, YOU OWE ME! Now give me the gun, Carlton.
Will: Give me the gun. I saved your life, I want the gun!
[Carlton slowly lays the gun at Will's feet, then leaves the room. Will leans forward for the gun and sees that the gun was loaded and starts crying]

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Day Damn One (#1.14)" (1990)
Will: No, Carlton, if I had your friends, and if I woke up one day and found that I had a little horse on a polo shirt, I'd jump off the Empire State Building and hope to catch my eyelid on nail!
Carlton Banks: With quips like that, It's no wonder you're the toast of the town!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Aunt Who Came to Dinner (#2.22)" (1992)
Carlton Banks: This is so unfair. What about our date?
William 'Will' Smith: I don't know. I was up all night trying to learn French for, "Forget my cousin, you can both have me."

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: It Had to Be You (#1.19)" (1991)
Janet: I need more ice.
Carlton: You need more ice, *what*?
Janet: I need more ice in my warm soda.
Carlton: [corrects Janet] You need more ice, *please*.
Janet: What did you say to me?
Waitress: He said, you need more ice, *please*.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Talking Turkey (#1.12)" (1990)
Viola: [to Carlton] Oh, my goodness, aren't you handsome and looking less and less like your daddy every day.
Carlton Banks: Ouch. Run for cover, Dad.
William 'Will' Smith: Where is he gonna hide at?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Not, I Barbecue (#6.6)" (1995)
Sandra: How about you, Carlton? Some ice cream?
Sandra: I have the smooth, creamy, chocolate kind...
Carlton: [oblivious] I'm a tuttie-fruity man, myself.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Hi-Ho Silver (#2.10)" (1991)
Carlton Banks: The silverware wasn't in the basement, but I found Geoffrey's new uniform crammed behind the hot water heater.
Geoffrey: The scoundrels must have ditched it in the haste to escape!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Hilary Gets a Life (#2.14)" (1992)
Philip Banks: Will, your aunt and I want to congratulate you for setting such a fine example for the other kids.
William 'Will' Smith: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Vivian Banks: Not at all. We are very proud of the way you've managed to balance your schoolwork and your part-time job.
Carlton Banks: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Philip Banks: These bills are no joke. You kids could really learn a thing or two from Will.
Hilary Banks: Are we like in the Twilight Zone? When does everyone put on the pig masks?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Fresh Prince Project (#1.1)" (1990)
Carlton Banks: Wait 'till we come downstairs in these tuxes. People may not think we're twins, but I'll bet they'll think we're brothers.
Will: You know, I don't think you'll have to worry about anybody mistaking you for a brother.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Those Were the Days (#2.20)" (1992)
Ashley: [referring to Marge] Ever since she got here my diary has gotten a lot more interesting.
Carlton: She is right, Ashley's diary has gotten a lot more interesting.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Baby Comes Out (#3.20)" (1993)
Janice: What happened to Hilary?
Viola 'Vy' Smith: Hilary Violet Banks! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!
Nurse: My hand!
Carlton Banks: I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Lucky Charm (#1.16)" (1991)
Jameson: [Jameson is superstisious and thinks Will is a good luck charm. His horoscope says to stay away from leos] My lucky numbers have always been 3 and 7. Will, when is your birthday?
Will: July 3rd.
Jameson: What year?
Will: 1973.
Jameson: So you were born on 7-3-73? My lucky numbers!
Phillip Banks: Jameson, its just a coincidence.
Jameson: Coincidence? I don't think so.
Carlton: I was born August 4th, 1974.
Jameson: [Jumps back] A leo?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Young and the Restless (#1.18)" (1991)
Hattie Banks: Hilary, tomorrow we are going for a spa treatment.
Hilary Banks: It'll be great, Grandma, you haven't lived until you've had a mud mask.
Hattie Banks: What people don't pay for in Beverly Hills. Then Ashely, you and I are going to make some macaroni rain hats.
Carlton Banks: Gee, Grandma, you'll need to rest after that.
Hattie Banks: I know, you can tell me about your schoolwork then.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: I Know Why the Caged Bird Screams (#4.16)" (1994)
Carlton Banks: Peacocks, Were marching down the field, Peacocks, We will refuse to yield, Nobodies tougher, Cause we are rougher, We are the Peacock of ULA!!!!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Ill Will (#2.18)" (1992)
Vivian Banks: [when Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv are in Geoffrey's room] He's not here, Phillip. Let's go.
Philip Banks: Vivian, do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert?
[they search the room. Uncle Phil sits on the bed and everyone under it cries out]
Philip Banks: All right. Everybody out.
[everyone gets out from under the bed]
Vivian Banks: What are you doing here?
William 'Will' Smith: What are YOU doing here? And I hope those concert tickets weren't front row.
Hilary Banks: Is that why you always play "Hot Fun in the Summertime" on my birthday?
Carlton Banks: And where was I conceived?
William 'Will' Smith: Probably at a white sale.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Knowledge Is Power (#1.13)" (1990)
Will: His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion.
Carlton: Does he want you to clean his room?
Hilary: God, no.
Carlton: Will you clean *mine*?

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Get a Job (#6.2)" (1995)
Carlton: Will, just face it, the better man won
Will: Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Eyes on the Prize (#2.19)" (1992)
Carlton: You see, what Will is trying to say is, and let me choose my words carefully...
Carlton: You guys are stupid!
Will: Look, that is *not* what I'm trying to say!
[to Jazz and Ty]
Will: Look, it's like this, y'all. It's like, with Carlton...
[to Carlton]
Will: Carlton, who is Captain Kangaroo's friend?
Carlton: Mr. Green Jeans...
Will: How many players on a cricket team?
Carlton: Eleven...
Will: Letters not on a phone dial?
Carlton: "Q" and "Z"...
Will: Best Picture, 1936?
Carlton: The Great Ziegfeld...
Will: The third wife of Julius Caesar?
Carlton: Calpurnia...
Will: [turns back to Jazz and Ty] You see?
Tyriq: [after a long pause] Yeah, I see. You think we're stupid!
Jazz: [sarcastically towards Will] Well, I guess I better be going but I guess I'm too *stupid* to find the door!

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Mommy Nearest (#3.13)" (1992)
Will: Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.
Vivian Banks: Good!
Will: And guess what's in here?
[holds up a small case wallet]
Carlton: It's Round, Rubber and You'll never use it?
Will: Carlton, can we please keep your hand puppet out of this? Look, it's a California's driver's license.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: The Philadelphia Story (#4.26)" (1994)
Word: Yeah, you remember Omar Phelps?
Carlton: Who's Omar Phelps?
Will: That's the dude who would be spinning me over his head in the opening credits.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Bundle of Joy (#3.16)" (1993)
William 'Will' Smith: I want to have a lot of kids like six and have them all right after another.
Carlton Banks: Will, they're babies, not malt liquor.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Hare Today... (#6.18)" (1996)
Carlton: [Carlton is practicing for solo in Easter Mass] Tell your pharoah, let my people *go*!
Will: [mocking Carlton] Tell your pharoah, let my cousin *grow*!