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Quotes for
Hastings (Character)
from "Agatha Christie's Poirot" (1989)

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"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Mysterious Affair at Styles (#3.1)" (1990)
[Poirot has just pulled up in a cab outside and is waving his hands at the driver]
Mary Cavendish: What on earth is he doing?
Lieutenant Hastings: I think he's giving the driver a lesson.

[Poirot is building a house of cards]
Lieutenant Hastings: Is this your first time in London, Poirot?
[Poirot does not answer]
Lieutenant Hastings: Mrs. Inglethorpe must have been wealthy, with this beautiful house and Styles Court.
[Poirot still does not answer]
Lieutenant Hastings: Are you going to be doing that all day?
Hercule Poirot: I steady my nerves, that is all.

Lieutenant Hastings: [referring to John Cavendish's mother and her marriage to an outsider twenty years her junior] It must be a difficult situation for you all.
John Cavendish: Difficult? It's damnable.

[Hastings has accepted an invitation to spend his medical leave at his friend John Cavendish's ancestral home]
John Cavendish: I'm afraid you'll find it very quiet down here, Hastings.
Lieutenant Hastings: My dear fellow, after the joys of France, that's just what I want.

Lieutenant Hastings: [referring to the false beard they have discovered] Who put it there?
Hercule Poirot: Someone with a great deal of intelligence, Hastings. He chose to hide it in the one place where its presence would not be remarked. But we must be even more intelligent that he does not suspect us of being intelligent at all.
Lieutenant Hastings: Absolutely.
Hercule Poirot: And there you will be invaluable, mon ami.

Lieutenant Hastings: This is green.
Hercule Poirot: No, it is too dark.
Lieutenant Hastings: Good Lord!

Hercule Poirot: Why? When? There must have been something of great importance in that case, something that would have connected the murder with the crime.
Lieutenant Hastings: But what?
Hercule Poirot: That I do not know.

[repeated line]
Lieutenant Hastings: Good Lord!

[last lines]
Lieutenant Hastings: What a wonderful girl. I shall never understand women.
Hercule Poirot: Thought so, yourself mon ami. Perhaps one day when this terrible war is ended, we shall work again together, and Poirot will explain it all to you.

Hercule Poirot: Hastings!
Lieutenant Hastings: Good Lord! Monsieur Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: It is indeed, mon ami Hastings.

Lieutenant Hastings: So, we're back to square one then.
Hercule Poirot: Not quite mon ami. We now know there is one person who did not buy the poison. Again, we have cleared away the clues manufactured, and now for the real ones.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The ABC Murders (#4.1)" (1992)
Captain Hastings: So how have you been these last six months? Busy?
Hercule Poirot: No, the little grey cells, I fear, they grow the rust.

Hercule Poirot: Which of us one time or another have not felt aggrieved by a shopkeeper.
Captain Hastings: Good Lord! Yes.

Captain Hastings: Good Lord!
Hercule Poirot: What is it?
Captain Hastings: It's another one. Another ABC Murder letter.

[repeated line]
Captain Hastings: Good Lord!

Captain Hastings: You mean it wasn't true?
Hercule Poirot: Not in the least, mon ami.
Captain Hastings: Good Lord!

[last lines]
Captain Hastings: [to Mr. Cust] Just down below the rapids was a native canoe, obviously in some kind of trouble. And I suddenly realised that they were being pursued by something rather horrid.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Adventure of the Clapham Cook (#1.1)" (1989)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: Husband put head in gas oven; home life happy.
Hercule Poirot: No.
Captain Hastings: Belgravia and Overseas Bank clerk absconds with fortune.
Hercule Poirot: How much is this fortune?
Captain Hastings: Uh... ninety thousand pounds.
Hercule Poirot: No.
Captain Hastings: That's a king's ransom, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: When it is used to ransom a king, it becomes interesting to Poirot.

Hercule Poirot: Look at it, Hastings. Not a building in sight. Not a restaurant, not a theatre, not an art gallery. A wasteland.
Captain Hastings: I thought you liked the country.
Hercule Poirot: But this is not the country, my friend. The country is full of trees, and flowers... and public houses. This is a desert.

Captain Hastings: Look at that, Poirot. Look at that view!
Hercule Poirot: Yes, well, views are very nice, Hastings. But they should be painted for us, so that we may study them in the warmth and comfort of our own home. That is why we pay the artist, for exposing himself to these conditions on our behalf.
Captain Hastings: What do you mean, conditions? It's a wonderful day.
[takes a deep breath]
Captain Hastings: Just fill your lungs with that air.
Hercule Poirot: No, my poor friend, this sort of air is intended for birds and little furry things. The lungs of Hercule Poirot demand something more substantial: the good air of the town!

Hercule Poirot: [On the train, looking out at the beautiful landscape] Look at it, Hastings. Not a building in sight. Not a restaurant, not a theatre, not an art gallery. A wasteland!
Captain Hastings: I thought you liked the country?
Hercule Poirot: But this is not the country, my friend. The country is full of trees. And flowers! And public houses! This is a desert!

Captain Hastings: [On the moor, walking in puddles besides the sheep] Look at that, Poirot! Look at that view!
Hercule Poirot: Yes, views are very nice, Hastings. But they should be painted for us, so that we may study them in the warmth and comfort of our own homes. That is why we pay the artist, for exposing himself to these conditions on our behalf.
Captain Hastings: What do you mean, conditions? It's a wonderful day! Just fill your lungs with that air!
Hercule Poirot: No, my poor friend. This sort of air is intended for birds and little furry things! The lungs of Hercule Poirot demands something more substantial! The good air of the town!

[Hercule Poirot has read an outrageous letter from the Todds, and is extremely furious]
Hercule Poirot: [shouts] *WHAT?*
Hercule Poirot: WHAT? HOW DOES SHE DARE?
[He slams the letter on his desk, much to the concern of Miss. Lemon and Hastings]
Captain Hastings: What is it?
Hercule Poirot: [seething] As a favor... As a great favor, I agreed to investigate this two-penny, HALF-PENNY AFFAIR!
Captain Hastings: What is it, old chap?
Hercule Poirot: [pointing furiously at the letter on his desk] READ IT! Read it!
[Hastings picks up the letter, Miss. Lemon looking over his shoulder. Point, meanwhile stands a distance from them, still fuming over the contents of the letter]
Captain Hastings: [reading the letter] "Mr. Todd regrets that, after all, his wife will not avail herself of Mr. Poirot's services...
Hercule Poirot: [high-pitched and curt] Ahm!
Captain Hastings: "... After talking the matter over with me, she sees that it is foolish to call in a detective about a purely domestic affair..."
Hercule Poirot: [high-pitched, angry agreement grunt] Yep!
Captain Hastings: "... Mr. Todd encloses one guinea for consultation."
Hercule Poirot: Is this to be believed? huh? Do they think they can get rid of Hercule Poirot like that? HUH?
Hercule Poirot: *NO.*
[rapid fire speech]
Hercule Poirot: No, no, no, no, no... No, no,no, no, no... Thirty six times...
Hercule Poirot: NO! They send me *ONE* guinea, huh? *NO!* I will spend *My OWN* guineas! 3,600 of them, if need be! But *I* will get to the bottom of his matter!

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Double Clue (#3.7)" (1991)
Hercule Poirot: One can always tell when the summer, it is arrived.
Captain Hastings: It's in the air, eh?
Hercule Poirot: No, Hastings, it is in the speed of your driving!

Captain Hastings: [referring to marriage] You ever thought about it?
Hercule Poirot: In my experience, I have known of five cases of women murdered by their devoted husbands.
Captain Hastings: Yes?
Hercule Poirot: And twenty-two husbands murdered by their devoted wives. So thank you, non. The marriage, it is not for me.

Hercule Poirot: When was this last robbery?
Captain Hastings: Three days ago.
Hercule Poirot: Three days! But it is too late. It is better to strike while the metal is warm, yes?

Chief Inspector Japp: So what do you think, Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: I think that it is strange. The glove and the cigarette case, it is as you might say the double clue.
Captain Hastings: Twice as much for us to work on.
Hercule Poirot: It is too much, Hastings, too much.

Captain Hastings: Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
Hercule Poirot: If you are to be Hercule Poirot, you must think of everything.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Adventure of Johnnie Waverly (#1.3)" (1989)
[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: I shall see you in London.
Captain Hastings: Why won't you let me drive you?
Hercule Poirot: Hastings, the train has one advantage over the car. It does not often run out of coal.

[getting into Hastings' car]
Hercule Poirot: Not too fast, mind.
Captain Hastings: Don't worry, I won't go over 80.
Hercule Poirot: Kilometers?
Captain Hastings: Miles.

[Hastings is teaching Poirot a song while driving back to the Waverly Estate]
Captain Hastings: [singing] Two men went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Hercule Poirot: [following along; singing] Two men went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Captain Hastings: Two men, one man and his dog went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Hercule Poirot: Two men, one man and his dog went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!

[Hastings' car has broke down in the middle of the countryside; Hastings is on his hands and knees, trying to fix the car and figure out what was going on; all the while, Poirot is getting impatient and frustrated]
Hercule Poirot: This is not what I want to hear, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: Eh?
Hercule Poirot: [curtly] I want to hear *WHAT is WAS*, NOT what is was NOT!
[pause; Poirot glares at Hastings]
Hercule Poirot: [indignant] And Better Still, I Want To Hear The MOTOR!

[Hastings is teaching Poirot a song while driving back to the Waverly Estate]
Captain Hastings: [singing] Two men went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Hercule Poirot: [following along; singing] Two men went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Captain Hastings: Two men, one man and his dog went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Hercule Poirot: Two men, one man and his dog went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!
Captain Hastings: [speaking; laughing] Good!
Captain Hastings, Hercule Poirot: [singing together] Three men, two men, one man and his dog went to mow/ went to mow a meadow!

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Murder in the Mews (#1.2)" (1989)
[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: When she opened the cupboard, she tried to focus our attention on the wrong object, so she used the briefcase as a... what is it? A bloater? Kipper?
Captain Hastings: Red herring.
Hercule Poirot: Absolutely. And now, my friends, it is time for me to take you to lunch.

[first lines]
Hercule Poirot: Hastings, my friend, tell me: to blow up the English Parliament, was it a sin or a noble deed?
Captain Hastings: Oh, it's no good asking me, old son. I was never much of a one for politics. Where's Mrs Japp tonight, then?
Chief Inspector Japp: She can't abide fireworks.
Hercule Poirot: Ah, the noise disturbs the delicate sensibilities of many ladies.
Chief Inspector Japp: Maybe, maybe. I think it's more that she doesn't like to see people enjoying themselves.

Miss Lemon: The trouble is, Mr Poirot, they just don't understand the letters.
Hercule Poirot: Why not?
Miss Lemon: They're Chinese, Mr. Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: The Bulldog Breed laundry is Chinese?
Miss Lemon: Yes, Mr Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: What is the world coming to Miss Lemon?
Miss Lemon: I'm sure I couldn't say, Sir, but when the boy brings your laundry back, he brings the letters back too for me to explain to him.
Hercule Poirot: And you do.
Miss Lemon: No?
Hercule Poirot: Why not?
Miss Lemon: I don't speak Chinese.
Hercule Poirot: So what do you say to him?
Miss Lemon: Well, I... I say "Him collar no vely good starchy." I show him the collars and say it.
Hercule Poirot: Hastings my friend, you spent some years in China, did you not?
Captain Hastings: Oh absolutely. Fine fellows, fine fellows.
Hercule Poirot: Did you ever have any trouble with your laundry.
Captain Hastings: Yes I did as a matter of fact.
Hercule Poirot: And what did you say to them?
Captain Hastings: Well, I said "Him collar no vely good starchy."
Miss Lemon: That's where I got it from, Sir. I asked the Captain, knowing he'd been in the East.
Hercule Poirot: But Hastings, my collars they do not get any better.
Captain Hastings: No. Mine didn't either, now I come to think about it.

Captain Hastings: Why don't you get yourself some turned-down collars, Poirot? They're much more the thing, you know.
Hercule Poirot: The thing, Hastings? You think Poirot concerns himself with mere thingness?
Captain Hastings: Aah, no.
Hercule Poirot: Hmm.
Captain Hastings: No, I, I, I see that, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: The turned-down collar is the first symptom of decay of the grey cells!

Captain Hastings: What a good night for a murder, eh? I mean, if somebody wanted to kill anybody, nobody would know if it was a gunshot or a firework.
Hercule Poirot: But not so good, my friend, if your chosen method is strangulation.
Captain Hastings: No. That's true, no.
Chief Inspector Japp: Or poisoning, come to that.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Double Sin (#2.6)" (1990)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: Isn't it bracing, Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: Bracing, Hastings?
Captain Hastings: The weather.
Hercule Poirot: No, it is cold and wet. Did you know, Hastings, that the earth is cooling at a rate of three degrees every twelve thousand years?
Captain Hastings: No, I didn't know that, no.
Hercule Poirot: Ah.
Captain Hastings: Still, beautiful fountain, isn't it?
Hercule Poirot: It's feeble, Hastings. Fountains used to be more vigorous. Artistic too.
Captain Hastings: I don't know what's wrong with you today, Poirot. Nothing seems good enough for you.
Hercule Poirot: I am finished, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: Finished?
Hercule Poirot: Yes. I shall retire, I think.
Captain Hastings: But you're at the height of your powers, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: You are being kind, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: No, I'm not. Well, you've got a nice home, uh, devoted friends, a brilliant career.
Hercule Poirot: No no no, mon ami. I am nothing. I have nothing. Poirot is finished.

[last lines]
Captain Hastings: Allow me, Poirot.
[picks up fallen paper]
Captain Hastings: There's something about you here, Japp. "Chief Inspector Japp to speak in North Country lecture tour." You knew! That's why you dragged me all the way up here.
Hercule Poirot: No, no. It was the other side I was interested in. I did not know that...
Captain Hastings: [turns clipping over] "Learn to speak French like a Frenchman"?
Hercule Poirot: In Belgium, Hastings, it is considered quite bad form to read another person's newspaper cuttings.
[taking clipping]
Hercule Poirot: Thank you.

Lady Amanda Manderley: [furious at being hauled away by a policeman after crashing her car into a haystack] Why can't you leave me alone! Don't you know what it's like to love a man?
Captain Hastings: [nonplussed] Well ah... no ah... not exactly.

Captain Hastings: I'm worried about Poirot, Miss Lemon. He's talking about retirement.
Miss Lemon: That's because he hasn't had an interesting case for five minutes.

Captain Hastings: [about Poirot] Well, he's always been middle-aged. Have you seen that photograph of him at his christening?
Miss Lemon: [chuckling] I know!
Captain Hastings: He looks as though he's about to address a board meeting!
Hercule Poirot: [appears] Who looks as if he's about to address a board meeting?

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Dead Man's Mirror (#5.7)" (1993)
[first lines]
Auctioneer: Ladies and gentlemen, lot 22. An Esker Brant wrought iron wall mirror and console table. I shall open the bidding at thirty pounds. Do I see thirty pounds? Thirty pounds.
Captain Hastings: This what you came for, Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: Yes, it is, Hastings; I thought for the vestibule, you know, by the door.
Auctioneer: Forty pounds.
Captain Hastings: How high will you go?
Hercule Poirot: Ninety pounds.
Auctioneer: Fifty pounds.
Hercule Poirot: It will be enough.

Chief Inspector Japp: Ah, there you are Poirot... you got any idea how I can get hold of this Saffra ? Some sort of friend of Mrs. Chevenix.
Captain Hastings: Saffra's dead... she's Vanda's spirit guide.
Chief Inspector Japp: Ah... I might as well be off then.

Hercule Poirot: This Gervase Chevenix, it does not occur to him that Poirot is also a man of importance, a man of affairs? And yet he summons me like a mere nobody, an obedient dog!
Captain Hastings: I take it you'll refuse?
Hercule Poirot: To refuse, yes, it is my first instinct. But, you know, Hastings, a man with so much arrogance as this, even he may be vulnerable in ways he cannot see.
Captain Hastings: And he did offer you that mirror.
Hercule Poirot: That too.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Disappearance of Mr. Davenheim (#2.5)" (1990)
Hercule Poirot: And please, do not fraternize with that creature. I am still training him.
Captain Hastings: It's only a parrot.
Hercule Poirot: I was talking to the parrot.

Captain Hastings: I know it's a rather odd question, but a rather odd person would like to know.

Captain Hastings: It's the only explanation that fits.
Hercule Poirot: Like the round hole into the square peg.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Evil Under the Sun (#8.1)" (2001)
Hastings: This must be that ladder down to Pixie Cove.
Hercule Poirot: Comment?
Hastings: Pixie Cove. It's what they call this beach.
Hercule Poirot: For me, Hastings, I call it too steep and too dangerous.

Hercule Poirot: [while talking about the possible reasons for Arlena Stuart entering the cave] But then the question becomes why did Arlena Stuart enter the cave?
Hastings: Perhaps she was hiding from someone.
Hercule Poirot: Hastings... Once again you come up with an explanation that makes everything clear.
Chief Inspector Japp: Not to me it doesn't.
Hastings: You mean she was afraid of someone?
Hercule Poirot: I mean, Hastings, that there is evil on this island. And the murder that took place here was the work of a mind that was brilliant. But there is one thing the killer did not expect, eh - the mind of Hercule Poirot. En bien. It is now time for these two minds to meet, and the truth at last must come to light.

Hastings: But surely no one could think of murder in such a beautiful place.
Hercule Poirot: No, no, no, no, Hastings. It is romantic, yes. It is peaceful. The sun shines, the sea it is blue. But you forget, mon ami, that there is evil everywhere under the sun.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Peril at End House (#2.1)" (1990)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: Looks just like a patchwork quilt, doesn't it?
Hercule Poirot: [eyes closed tight, clutching armrest] No!
Captain Hastings: Well, it does to me. Does to everybody else.
Hercule Poirot: Not to Poirot!
Captain Hastings: Oh, I suppose you don't think that looks like a great mass of cotton wool.
Hercule Poirot: No!
Captain Hastings: I don't think you've got *any* imagination at all, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: [opens his eyes] That is true, mon ami. But fortunately you have enough for both of us; it is extremely valuable to me.

[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: It is satisfying, is it not, Chief Inspector, in a case, when at last one knows everything.
Chief Inspector Japp: I thought you knew everything anyway, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: Well...
[Miss Lemon and Hastings arrive carrying ice cream cones]
Hercule Poirot: Ah.
Miss Lemon: There's one for you, Chief Inspector.
Chief Inspector Japp: Ah, thank you.
Miss Lemon: None for Mister Poirot because I read an article on the train how ice cream was extremely bad for the little grey cells.
Captain Hastings: And two for me because mine are dead already.
[Japp laughs]
Hercule Poirot: They are very amusing, are they not, Chief Inspector? The sea air obviously agrees with them. I think perhaps, when I return to London, I shall leave them here.
[Japp laughs, and Hastings hands one of his cones to Poirot]
Hercule Poirot: Thank you. Santé!

Hercule Poirot: You do know who I am?
Nick Buckley: No. I don't.
Hercule Poirot: I forget; you are but a child. Alors, my friend here, Captain Hastings, he will tell it to you.
Captain Hastings: Well, um, Monsieur Poirot is a detective.
Nick Buckley: Oh.
Captain Hastings: [Poirot just looks at Hastings] Um, uh, a great detective.
Hercule Poirot: My friend, is that all you can find to say? Mais dis donc, say then to Mademoiselle that I am the detective unique, unsurpassed, the greatest that ever lived.
Captain Hastings: Well, doesn't seem much point now; you've told her yourself.
Hercule Poirot: Ah yes, but it is more agreeable to preserve the modesty.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Problem at Sea (#1.7)" (1989)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: The whole art of clay pigeon shooting lies in the timing. Trick is, when I say "Pull"...
[Pamela pulls the release]
Captain Hastings: No.
[He shoots twice]
Captain Hastings: Sorry. My fault, should have warned you there.
Pamela Cregan: Weren't you ready?
Captain Hastings: No no, it's all right.

Hercule Poirot: Monsieurs, Madames. What I am about to do might surprise you a little. You'll probably think of me as eccentric-perhaps mad. You might say, "the little Belgian is taking leave from his rocker", huh? But I must assure you, that behind my madness is, what you English say... method.
[Poirot lifts the cover of the hidden object on the table; revealing a small, simple, leather suitcase]
Hercule Poirot: [sotto voce] Voila! A suitcase!
[slightly sarcastic]
Hercule Poirot: How interesting!
Hercule Poirot: Of course, nothing's interesting about suitcases.
Hercule Poirot: But you may know that suitcases... have contents.
[Poirot opens the suitcase very slowly but full of anticipation; the audience of the passengers watch in expectation. Poirot opens the lid, gasps slightly and slowly lifts up the object in the suitcase... which is revealed to be a cute, porcelain doll]
Mrs Tolliver: [smiling; recognizing] Why... It's a doll!
Hercule Poirot: Ah! Yes, a doll. Now, this doll... is an important witness to the truth of the death of Madame Clapperton.
Hercule Poirot: But how does it know? It is a doll. But THIS is a doll...
[sotto voce]
Hercule Poirot: ...That can speak!
[Poirot makes the doll turn towards him, so that their faces are parallel from one another and their noses are two inches apart; the passengers look at him as if he had lost his mind, slightly disturbed]
Hercule Poirot: [he senses the passengers disbelief and quickly turns to them; rapid fire speech] You never seen dolls that could speak?
[normal voice]
Hercule Poirot: Of course, you have!
Hercule Poirot: [as he slowly and gently puts the doll back in the suitcase] All we need to do is to put the doll back into the suitcase, where she cannot be seen... She doesn't want to be seen; this little lady.
[to the concealed doll in the suitcase]
Hercule Poirot: Can you hear me, mon poupée?
Ismene: [as the doll's voice] Aye!
Hercule Poirot: [speaking loudly yet slowly] Now, Can you tell us... about the death... of Madame Clapperton?
Ismene: [imitating Madame Clapperton] What is it, John? The Door's locked... I don't want to be disturbed by the stewards.
Colonel John Clapperton: [he begins to twitch his eyes and hyperventilate; he glares at Poirot, who glares at him back sternly; revealing the Col. Clapperton is the murderer] You!
[He bolts forward]
Captain Hastings: [as he and Bates stop the enraged Col. Clapperton from reaching Poirot] Stop him!
Colonel John Clapperton: [after being restrained; he glares at the stern Poirot; finally caught; snarling with hatred] YES.

Captain Hastings: [upon seeing Skinner selling Mrs. Clipperton's jewelry to several Arabs at a red-light market place] Oh no, you don't!
[Hastings rushes over and tackles Skinner; he then forces Skinner to let go of whatever he is holding]
Captain Hastings: I would like to ask you a few questions, if I'm very much mistaken.
[the object Skinner is holding falls out of his palm, revealing to be Mrs. Clapperton's headband]

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Tragedy at Marsdon Manor (#3.6)" (1991)
Captain Hastings: Ah, Poirot. Sleep well?
Hercule Poirot: Like the top, Hastings. I am turning and spinning all of the night.

[last lines]
Chief Inspector Japp: [in the Wax Museum] Well, I suppose we'd better be leaving. Catch our train.
Hercule Poirot: Oh, no no no no no no no, no, Chief Inspector. It is still early, and the exhibits here are quite remarkable, n'est-ce pas? To be immortalized in such a fashion unique, ah! quelle honneur. Now I wonder what is around here.
[he stands beside a model of himself]
Captain Hastings: Oh, very impressive.
Chief Inspector Japp: Quite incredible.
Captain Hastings: It's a masterpiece.
Chief Inspector Japp: A true work of art.
Captain Hastings: That's his curly hair to a T.
Chief Inspector Japp: Even got the little dimples on his cheeks.
[they walk up to a model of Chaplin]
Chief Inspector Japp: Look.
Captain Hastings: A real piece of craftsmanship, wouldn't you say?

Samuel Naughton: Perhaps he was frightened away by ghosts. Well, then. How about a nice kipper? They're fresh today.
Hercule Poirot: My tisane, two slices of bread, toasted on one side only, if you please.
Captain Hastings: Ghosts, did you say?
Samuel Naughton: Well, yes. Haunted house, Marsdon Manor, where he went last night. They say it's full of them.
Hercule Poirot: You have seen them yourself?
Samuel Naughton: Well, no. Not personally I haven't, of course.
Hercule Poirot: How do you know they are fresh?
Samuel Naughton: Sorry?
Hercule Poirot: The kippers.
Samuel Naughton: Oh, yes. They're fresh all right. We get them delivered twice a week from Grimsby.
Hercule Poirot: So it is the place of the untold evil, crawling with the spirits of the living dead?
Samuel Naughton: Grimsby?
Captain Hastings: Marsdon Manor.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Adventure of the Cheap Flat (#2.7)" (1990)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: It's all over, Poirot. You can open your eyes now.
Hercule Poirot: [opening his eyes] Hastings, this is the last time.

[Mr. and Mrs. Robinson commiserate with Poirot, Hastings and Japp over the break-in to their flat, unaware that Hastings and Poirot were the culprits, who broke in to protect them from an assassin]
Captain Hastings: I say!
[Hastings picks up a burglary tool left behind]
Captain Hastings: Look at this! Now there's a real professional's tool if ever I saw one.
Chief Inspector Japp: [taking tool from Hastings and examining it closely] Hm, and very careless to leave it behind, if you ask me. Perhaps I should have it checked for fingerprints.
Hercule Poirot: [takes tool from Japp] You will find nothing, Chief Inspector. For the real professional...
Hercule Poirot: [smiling, holds up tool with gloved hand] ... he wears the gloves.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Dumb Witness (#6.4)" (1996)
Hercule Poirot: You forgot the Sisters Tripp.
Captain Arthur Hastings: Oh those two? They're batty, yes, but not murderers surely?
Hercule Poirot: What is murder but a kind of madness, mon ami?

Captain Arthur Hastings: I just wondered if you were having problems sleeping.
Hercule Poirot: So you awaken me to inquire? That is friendship indeed, Hastings.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Underdog (#5.2)" (1993)
Captain Hastings: I've never known you place much faith in intuition.
Hercule Poirot: Intuition, Hastings, often describes some fact that is so deeply buried in the subconscious that the subject is not aware of its existence.

[last lines]
Miss Lemon: [as Hastings prepares to tee off] Captain Hastings!
[swinging her pendant]
Miss Lemon: A hole in one, Captain Hastings, a hole in one.
Hercule Poirot: Miss Lemon, Captain Hastings possesses far too much of the intellectual strength...
Captain Hastings: Quite right, Poirot.
[Hastings tees off, and actually does make the hole in one]
Captain Hastings: I say!

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Million Dollar Bond Robbery (#3.3)" (1991)
Captain Hastings: I can assure you, Poirot, you wouldn't be seasick on the Queen Mary. Steady as a rock.
Hercule Poirot: Hastings, it is twenty years ago that I came to this country in a boat across the channel. And still I am not recovered.

[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: You still have the hankering for the glamorous young woman, hein?
Captain Hastings: No, no no, no, not at all, no. Quite the opposite, in fact. It's just that, well, there she was, as you say, a glamorous young woman, and with a bit of a wig and a few bits of make-up she could transform herself into that dowdy hag of a nurse.
Hercule Poirot: Yes, it was indeed very well done, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: But... Well, I mean... If a woman can do that one way, she can do it the other.
Hercule Poirot: Oh, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: Well, I mean then where are you?
Hercule Poirot: At the beginning of wisdom, mon ami. Now, that also is something to celebrate, n'est-ce pas?

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Third Floor Flat (#1.5)" (1989)
[Poirot is sick with the cold. He goes out to post a letter, and is startled by Hastings arriving in his car, honking the horn]
Captain Hastings: [jovial] How is the cold, old boy?
Hercule Poirot: And now you try to give me the heart attack? I would not be surprised if riding in that car was responsible for my present malady.
Captain Hastings: She's much too much of a lady to give anyone a cold. She's running like a bird since I fitted those new gaskets.
Hercule Poirot: Birds do not run, Hastings. When you were little you should've paid more attention to your lessons in biology.
Captain Hastings: You're really in a bad way, aren't you?
Hercule Poirot: [wistfully] Well, my friend... As one approaches the end, one begins to see life as it truly is.

Jimmy: [Donovan Bailey has crashed into several trash cans, damaging Hastings' car; running towards the damaged car] Oh my God! Donovan!
Hercule Poirot: Monsieur Bailey! Monsieur Bailey!
Hercule Poirot: [surveying the unconscious Donovan] Is he badly hurt?
Captain Hastings: [surveying his damaged car] Oh my GOD!

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Adventure of the Egyptian Tomb (#5.1)" (1993)
Hercule Poirot: [Upon hearing about the life of the late Rupert Bleibner] Playing the good golf is no reason not to commit suicide, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: You just don't understand golf, Poirot.

[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: Miss Lemon, in addition to solving this case that has been most difficult, Hastings and I, we have brought you back a little gift from the very tomb of King Men-Her-Ra.
Miss Lemon: From the tomb?
Hercule Poirot: Oui.
[pulls aside curtain to show cat statuette]
Hercule Poirot: Voila. It is the very likeness of the favourite cat of King Men-Her-Ra. Buried with him in his tomb to keep him company on his long journey.
Miss Lemon: Oh, he's beautiful.
Hercule Poirot: Go to bed this evening with him in your hand, and Catherine the Great will visit you during the night.
Miss Lemon: Oh, Mr Poirot, thank you!
[Miss Lemon leaves with the statuette]
Captain Hastings: I don't know how you can tell her such *guff*, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: No no no no no, Hastings, it is not a guff. It is as I said at the beginning of this case to Lady Willard: the power of superstition, it is a power that is very great indeed.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Yellow Iris (#5.3)" (1993)
Captain Hastings: Is there *anything* in the English cuisine that you like, Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: The English they do not have a cuisine, my friend, they have only the food.
Captain Hastings: Well, that's a bit harsh, i...
Hercule Poirot: Like the meat, overcooked, the vegetables too soft, the cheese inedible. And the day the English create their own wines is the day I return home to Belgium.

[last lines]
Captain Hastings: [giving Poirot a chip wagon serving of fish and chips] English cuisine. There's nothing like it in the world! You must agree, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: Eh bien, Hastings, when it is cold and dark and there is nothing else to eat, it is...
[takes a small bite]
Hercule Poirot: passable.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Lost Mine (#2.3)" (1990)
[first lines]
Captain Hastings: Community Chest. You've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect ten pounds.
Hercule Poirot: Thank you very much, Hastings. It would appear that skill plays but a little part in this game, hein?
Captain Hastings: It's all about skill. What to buy and when. Where to put your property.

Hercule Poirot: The Americans always put the month before the day, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: Ah!
Hercule Poirot: Yes, they're very backward people.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Affair at the Victory Ball (#3.10)" (1991)
Captain Hastings: [dressed as the Scarlet Pimpernel] I still don't think they'll let you in; I thought I made it clear the Victory Ball is a costume do.
Hercule Poirot: Hercule Poirot does not wear costumes.
Captain Hastings: Everybody does. The whole idea is to go as someone famous.
Hercule Poirot: Precisely.
Captain Hastings: Oh. I see.

[last lines]
James Ackerley: I'm honoured that you took up my invitation. I'm sure it was a most enlightening experience for our listeners.
Hercule Poirot: Thank you.
Receptionist: Mr Ackerley! They've been trying to find you. The switchboard's been flooded with callers,
Hercule Poirot: Ah.
Receptionist: Complaining about the dreadful accent. Lowering the standard of spoken English; all that sort of thing.
James Ackerley: Oh.
Receptionist: Sir John Reith's waiting to see you in his office.
James Ackerley: So sorry. Messieurs.
Chief Inspector Japp: Don't take it too hard, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: Indeed no. I am not at all surprised.
Captain Hastings: You're not?
Hercule Poirot: No. Chief Inspector, you really ought to look to your elocution.
Chief Inspector Japp: Swelp me, there's nothing wrong with my lingo.
Hercule Poirot: You see, that is exactly the kind of expression like "'alf a mo" that brings the language into disrepute. Come, Hastings. I shall lend to the Chief Inspector my personal copy of 'The English as She Should be Spoken'.
[exits the building]
Hercule Poirot: Taxi!

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Dream (#1.10)" (1989)
Captain Hastings: Miss Lemon says he makes pies.
Hercule Poirot: Makes pies! Hastings, to say that Benedict Farley makes pies is like saying that... Wagner wrote semi-quavers.
Captain Hastings: Oh, they're good pies, are they?
Hercule Poirot: No, horrible. But there are a great many of them.

[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: Hastings, there are two reasons why I should never become the millionaire.
Captain Hastings: What are they, Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: The first: that I should never make the detestable pork pies, hein? And the second: I am too understanding towards my employees.
Captain Hastings: Quite.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Cornish Mystery (#2.4)" (1990)
[first lines]
Hercule Poirot: Are you feeling better, Hastings?
Captain Hastings: Yes. Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. Takes the pressure off the pancreas, you see.
Hercule Poirot: Hein, the pancreas is nothing. Of the digestive organs, the liver is the key. Look after the liver and life will take care of itself.
Miss Lemon: Your tisane, Monsieur Poirot
Hercule Poirot: Thank you, Miss Lemon. This is what you need, Hastings.
Captain Hastings: No fear; I've tasted it.

Captain Hastings: There's Japp. I don't know what you're going to tell him.
Hercule Poirot: Nothing at all, Hastings. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. He will learn soon enough that his open-and-shut case has the broken hinges.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Murder in Mesopotamia (#8.2)" (2001)
Bill Coleman: [after going over a bump while driving his jeep at high speed through the desert] Whoops!
Hercule Poirot: [groaning with discomfort] Unh!
Bill Coleman: That was a good one!
Hastings: [with annoyance] We don't have to get there in five minutes, you know!
Bill Coleman: That's half the fun. You're growing old, Ucle Arthur.
Hercule Poirot: Mr. Coleman, I myself have aged ten years since entering this auto mobile.

Hastings: But why would she write threatening letters to herself?
Hercule Poirot: O, I think that would be an assumption too great to make, Hastings, on the grounds of the similarity of the handwritings. But if it were so, it would not be an occurence unheard-of.
Hastings: Pretty ruddy silly if you ask me.
Hercule Poirot: Ah, well, if only people would ask you, Hastings, they would refrain from the ruddy silliness.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Lord Edgware Dies (#7.2)" (2000)
Hastings: We're still as much in love as the day we met.
Poirot: When, if I remember correctly, you thought her to be guilty of murder, n'est-ce pas?
Hastings: Yes, well, since then I think I've learned what makes women tick.
Poirot: Ah, yes. The ticking of the women. It has always been a mystery to Poirot.

Hastings: Don't tell me you're falling for her?
Poirot: No no no, Hastings. Poirot, he does not fall. He observes merely.

The Alphabet Murders (1965)
Hastings: Where have you been? What have you been doing?
Hercule Poirot: Arranging a little extra insurance my friend.
Hastings: Oh really? Personally I always feel perfectly safe with British railways. Mind you its very different in France, isn't it?
Hercule Poirot: I wouldn't know. I am not French, I am Belgian.
Hastings: Well it's the same thing, you both eat horsemeat.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Murder on the Links (#6.3)" (1996)
Hastings: A lot of golfers are very gastronomic, you know, Poirot. Nothing like eighteen holes to build up an appetite. You really ought to try it, you know; you might find you actually enjoy it.
Hercule Poirot: To hit a little ball into the little hole, in the middle of a large open field - I think it is not to the taste of Poirot.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Mystery of the Spanish Chest (#3.8)" (1991)
Hercule Poirot: You think it is wrong, Hastings, to enjoy the compliments, or the 'buttering,' as you say?
Captain Hastings: No, but, uh, do you have to show it quite so much? Not English.
Hercule Poirot: Perhaps it is Belgian. Hastings, why should I be the hypocrite, to blush when I am praised, and to say like you, "It is nothing." Hmph! I have the order, the method, and the psychology. There, I admit it. I am the best. I am Hercule Poirot.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Adventure of the Western Star (#2.9)" (1990)
Hercule Poirot: Marie Marvelle is the greatest film star Belgium has ever produced.
Captain Hastings: I should think she's the *only* film star Belgium's ever produced.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Mystery of Hunter's Lodge (#3.11)" (1991)
[last lines]
Hercule Poirot: Is this gratitude, Hastings? Is it for this that Hercule Poirot exerts his talents on behalf of the world?
Chief Inspector Japp: You expect gratitude? Don't make me laugh. Now you know what a real detective feels like.
Hercule Poirot: A *real* detective!
[Japp smiles and nods]
Hercule Poirot: Chief Inspector Japp is truly most amusing, do you not think, Hastings?
Captain Hastings: Oh, yes, most amusing.
Hercule Poirot: For a policeman.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Curtain: Poirot's Last Case (#13.5)" (2013)
Hercule Poirot: [four months after his death, voice-over] I have instructed my lawyers to deliver this manuscript to you four months after my death, by which time you will no doubt have evolved the most preposterous theories. But really, mon ami, you should by now have been able to work out who killed Norton. As to who killed Barbara Franklin, that may come as more of a shock. When you asked if I knew who was the killer, I did not quite tell to you the truth. I knew, but had to make sure. You see, I had never met this person before, and had never seen this person in action before. It did not take long. At last, at the end of my career, I had come across the perfect criminal. Well... nearly perfect. No one gets the better of Hercule Poirot... not even Stephen Norton.
Captain Hastings: Well, I'll be...
Hercule Poirot: [voice-over] Oh yes, Norton was our man. He had been a sickly boy with a domineering mother. He had had a hard time at school, and disliked blood and violence - a trait most un-English. But he had a sympathetic character, and soon discovered how easy it was to make use of it. By understanding people, he could penetrate their innermost thoughts, and then make them do things they did not want to, compensation for a lifetime of derision. This sense of power gradually developed into a morbid taste for violence at second-hand, which soon turned into an obsession. Our gentle Norton was in fact a sadist, addicted to pain and mental torture. Remember the remarks he made, that first evening you played bridge?
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Norton and Hastings at the bridge game] Norton meant him to hear. Sometimes successful, sometimes not, it was a drug he constantly craved.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Colonel Luttrell shooting his wife] No motive, no evidence, no proof - simply evil for the sake of it, a criminal who could never be convicted for his crimes. You will have realized by now that Franklin was in love with Judith, and she with him. But with Madame Franklin alive, life was very difficult for Judith, and Norton knew exactly how the wind lay. He played most cleverly on the theme of useless lives...
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to the dinner party] ... and gently ridiculed the idea that she would ever have the nerve to take decisive action. But for a murder addict, one iron in the fire, it is not enough. He sees opportunities for pleasure everywhere, and found one in you, mon ami. He discovered every weak spot to exacerbate your profound dislike of Major Allerton. Then you saw Allerton and Judith kiss.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to the glass house that night] Norton hauled you away so that you did not see what followed. You went to the glass house, and thought you heard Allerton talking to Judith. Yet you did not see her or even hear her speak - Norton made sure of that, for if you had, you'd have discovered that there was never any been any question of Judith going to London that day. It was Nurse Craven with whom he was having the affair, but you fell headlong into the trap of Norton, and made up your mind to murder.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Hastings heading into Allerton's bathroom] I heard you come up that evening, and was already exercised about your state of mind. So when I heard you in the corridor, and go into the bathroom of Allerton, I slipped out of my room.
Captain Hastings: Slipped out of your room? But...
Hercule Poirot: [voice-over] "How?" I hear you say. You see, Hastings, I was not helpless at all.
Captain Hastings: What...?
Hercule Poirot: [voice-over] Why do you think I sent George away? Because I could not have fooled him into believing that I had suddenly lost the use of my limbs. I heard you in the bathroom of Allerton and promptly, in the manner you so much deplore, dropped to my knees. I realized what you were up to, made my preparations, and sent Curtiss to fetch you. So I gave to you the hot chocolate.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Poirot giving Hastings hot chocolate] But I also, mon ami, have sleeping pills. When you awoke the next morning, you were your own self again, horrified at what you had nearly done. But it decided me, Hastings. You are not a murderer, but might have been hanged for one. I knew that I must act and could put it off no longer, but before I was able to, Barbara Franklin died... and I do not think that you have once suspected the truth. For you see, Hastings... you killed her.
Captain Hastings: *I* killed her?
Hercule Poirot: [voice-over] Oui, mon ami, you did. There was, you see, yet another angle to the triangle, one that I had not fully taken into account. Did it ever enter your mind why Madame Franklin was willing to come to Styles? She enjoys the good life, yet insisted on staying in a guest house, and I have no doubt that Norton knew why: Boyd Carrington. Madame Franklin was a disappointed woman; she had expected Dr. Franklin to have a brilliant career, not shut himself away in esoteric research. And here is Boyd Carrington, rich and aristocratic, who had nearly asked to marry her when she was a girl, still paying court. So the only way was for her husband to die, and Norton had found her only too ready a tool.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Mrs. Franklin speaking with Norton, then Poirot] It was so obvious - her protestations of admiration, then her fears for her husband. But when she saw Nurse Craven reading the palm of Boyd Carrington, she had a fright. She knew he would be suseptible to the charms of an attractive woman, and perhaps Nurse Craven might end up as Lady Boyd Carrington instead of her. So she decided to act quickly.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Mrs. Franklin's room] She invites us all up to her room for coffee. Her cup is beside her, and that of her husband is on the other side. Then everyone goes to watch the shooting starts except you, mon ami, left with your crossword and your memories. You hide your emotion by swinging around the bookcase as if looking for a book, and so when we all return, Madame Franklin drinks the poisoned coffee meant for her husband, and he drinks the coffee meant for her. I realized what must have happened - that she had poisoned the coffee, and that you had unwittingly turned the table, but you see, Hastings, I could not prove it.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to the inquest into Mrs. Franklin's death] If the death of Madame Franklin was thought to be anything but suicide, suspicion would inevitably fall on either Franklin or Judith. That is why I was so insistent that Madame Franklin *had* killed herself, and I knew that my statement would be accepted, because I am Hercule Poirot. You were not pleased, but mercifully, you did not suspect the true danger. Will it come into your mind when I am gone, like some dark serpent that now and then raises its head and says, "Suppose, just suppose, it was my Judith"? And therefore, you must know the truth.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Styles after the verdict] There was one person most unhappy with the verdict... Norton. He was deprived, you see, of his pound of flesh. Madame Franklin had died, yes... but not how he desired. The murder he had arranged had gone awry, so what to do? He began to throw out hints of what he saw that day with you and Mademoiselle Cole. He had never said anything defilite, so if he could convey the impression that it was Franklin and Judith he saw, not Allerton and Judith, then that could open up an interesting new angle on the suicide case, perhaps even throw doubts on the verdict. And I realized what I had planned all along had to be done at once, the moment I had dreaded - the most difficult decision of my life.
Hercule Poirot: [flashback to Norton heading into Poirot's room] That is why I invited Norton to my room that night... and told to him all that I knew.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Four and Twenty Blackbirds (#1.4)" (1989)
[At the art gallery for contemporary modern art. Poirot and Hastings are carefully inspecting a non-figurative painting, then approached by Makinson]
Makinson: Man throwing a stone at a bird!
Captain Hastings: Really? Which is which?
Hercule Poirot: Joan Miró, Hastings. An exponent of the surrealist vision.
[to Makinson:]
Hercule Poirot: A work inspired by the dream, non?
Makinson: Yes, a man with the most individual imagination.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Case of the Missing Will (#5.4)" (1993)
Captain Arthur Hastings: [walking in the funeral procession] The man had a lot of friends, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: What good are many friends, mon ami, when you have one bad enemy?

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Veiled Lady (#2.2)" (1990)
Hercule Poirot: Why did you wish to know where Monsieur Lavington lives, Hastings?
Captain Hastings: I don't know. He was so beastly, the way he talked about Lady Millicent, I wanted to kick him down the stairs, huh.
Hercule Poirot: You wanted to do it in the comfort of his own home, yes?

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: The Incredible Theft (#1.8)" (1989)
Miss Lemon: This lady keeps telephoning, Mr. Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: Sacré. What a terrible circumstance.
Miss Lemon: There's no need to be sarcastic, Mr. Poirot. I was going on to say that I didn't put her through to you, because she wouldn't give her name.
Hercule Poirot: Ah.
Miss Lemon: I told her you don't take anonymous phone-calls.
Hercule Poirot: But I do, Miss Lemon. Sometimes I think anonymous telephone calls are the only ones worth taking.
Miss Lemon: But how will I know where to file her if I haven't got a name?
Hercule Poirot: Life first, Ms. Lemon, filing second.
Miss Lemon: Very well then.
[Hastings huffs in amusement]
Miss Lemon: Next time she calls, I'll let her talk to you. And on your own head be it.
Captain Hastings: You shouldn't tease her, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot: She makes it irresistible.

"Agatha Christie's Poirot: Wasps' Nest (#3.5)" (1991)
Captain Hastings: [referring to Poirot] You know what he's like when he hasn't had a case for a few weeks. I thought a nice afternoon at a garden fête might cheer him up a bit.
Hercule Poirot: Taxi!
Chief Inspector Japp: Hmmm, about the only thing that's going to cheer him up today is the discovery of a body in the Lucky Dip.
[Hastings and Japp laugh]