Mel Sharples
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Quotes for
Mel Sharples (Character)
from "Alice" (1976)

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"Alice: The Odd Couple (#1.20)" (1977)
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: I just had the most terrible experience of my life!
Mel Sharples: All hotels had "no vacancy" signs?

Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: When Curly Norris drove me to my trailer this mornin', a terrible thing had happened while I was gone. I couldn't believe it! Curly couldn't believe it either!
Mel Sharples: Your waterbed froze?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: No! My trailer was robbed!
Alice Hyatt: What?
Vera Louise Gorman: You're kidding!
Alice Hyatt: Whaddaya mean, robbed?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Robbed!
Mel Sharples: What'd they take?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: My whole house! Some turkey towed away my trailer!
Vera Louise Gorman: Are you sure it's missing?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Vera, when y'go up t'open the front door and there ain't no front door, it don't take a genius to figure out that the house is gone!

Mel Sharples: How many trailers have mirrored ceilings?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Mel, kiss my grits! I told the sheriff I'd offer a real special reward for whoever found it.
Alice Hyatt: Yeah? I'll bet three squad cars smashed into each other trying to be the first outta the station!
Vera Louise Gorman: Well, whatever the reward was I'll double it.
Mel Sharples: That'll call off the search.


"Alice: Sex Education (#1.7)" (1976)
Mel Sharples: 500 million... 500 million. You girls have one little egg. One little egg! We have you beat 500 million to one!

Mel Sharples: He knows all that technical stuff like ovary and urethra
Vera Louise Gorman: I know her. She's a singer!
Mel Sharples: Who?
Vera Louise Gorman: Urethra. I have all her albums.


"Alice: Take Him, He's Yours (#3.1)" (1978)
Mel Sharples: People drink because it makes 'em feel good.
Tommy Hyatt: Is that how you feel now?
Mel Sharples: I just had a little bit too much... good.

[Tommy broke his ankle]
Tommy Hyatt: And what am I gonna do about school?
Mel Sharples: Well, you miss a couple o' days. I missed plenty o' days and look at me.
Tommy Hyatt: Yeah!


"Alice: Alice Sees the Light (#7.9)" (1983)
Mel Sharples: [as Vera discusses UFO lore] Where did you read that... in the "Dinghy Digest"?


"Alice: Block Those Kicks (#3.5)" (1978)
Florence Jean Castleberry: Well, alright, I'll go along, Mel. I'm willing to give up the thing that means most to me.
Mel Sharples: That's bad news for half of the guys in Phoenix.
Florence Jean Castleberry: I was talkin' about coffee!


"Alice: The Pain of No Return (#1.19)" (1977)
Mel Sharples: [Yelling] Flo, pickup!
Florence Jean Castleberry: [Looking at the dish] Ah! What is that?
Mel Sharples: Come on, pick it up, pick it up.
Florence Jean Castleberry: Without gloves?
[Still sickened]
Florence Jean Castleberry: What is it?
Mel Sharples: Roast beef.
Florence Jean Castleberry: You're kiddin'.
Mel Sharples: You asked for it rare.
Florence Jean Castleberry: I know, but that thing just stuck its tongue out at me!
Florence Jean Castleberry: [Talking to the dish] Get back on that plate!


"Alice: What Happened to the Class of '78? (#3.6)" (1978)
Mel Sharples: I like myself the way I am. Who needs self-improvement?
Alice Hyatt: Anyone who likes you the way you are.


"Alice: A Piece of the Rock (#1.3)" (1976)
Mel Sharples: You mean he never had a policy?
Alice Hyatt: No, Don didn't believe in insurance.
Mel Sharples: How come?
Alice Hyatt: It didn't come in a six-pack.


"Alice: Citizen Mel (#3.3)" (1978)
[Vera knocks on the door]
Mel Sharples: [in a high-pitched voice] Who is it?
Vera Louise Gorman: It's me, Vera.
Mel Sharples: How can I be sure?
Vera Louise Gorman: I don't know, but if it isn't me, there's nobody here.