Alice Hyatt
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Quotes for
Alice Hyatt (Character)
from Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore (1974)

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Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore (1974)
Alice: I AM a singer.

Alice: I don't sing with my ass!

Tommy: Mom, are we in Arizona yet?
Alice: If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death. Just sit back there and relax and enjoy life, huh?
Tommy: Life is short.
Alice: So are you.

Tommy: Life is short.
Alice: Yeah, well, so are you.

[last lines]
Tommy: [final lines] You really love David, don't you?
Alice: Yep, I do.
Tommy: Yeah, I like him too, I just hate his taste in music. He always said you could fight with somebody and still like him.
Alice: Hey, now you're using your old noggin! Thanks pal!
[hugs and kisses]
Alice: My boy!
Tommy: Mom, mom, I can't breathe!

Alice: Mott the Hoople AGAIN?

Alice: [while driving Tommy home from the police station] Ya look like you've been embalmed.

Alice: [after Tommy, was being a smart aleck] If you open your mouth, once more, I swear to God, I'm gonna nail it shut.
Tommy: [Opens his mouth]
Alice: I'm warning you, Tommy. I'm gonna throw you out, and you're gonna walk the last mile home.
[Tommy makes, faces at his mother]
Alice: Get out!
[Kicks Tommy, out of the car, and Alice drives away]

Tommy: He asked us out there Sunday.
Alice: Farmer John's just gonna have to get along without me, I can tell you that.
Tommy: I want to go.
Alice: No.
Tommy: [Jumping on the couch] Yes!
Alice: No!
Tommy: YES!
Alice: NO!
Tommy: [Kicks the couch] Shit!

David: [Tommy's milking a cow] Hey, Tommy, watch the fingernails.
Tommy: Well, Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect?
Alice: Ahem. I don't know where he gets that language, I really don't.
Tommy: Think real hard, it'll come to you, lady.


"Alice: The Odd Couple (#1.20)" (1977)
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: When Curly Norris drove me to my trailer this mornin', a terrible thing had happened while I was gone. I couldn't believe it! Curly couldn't believe it either!
Mel Sharples: Your waterbed froze?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: No! My trailer was robbed!
Alice Hyatt: What?
Vera Louise Gorman: You're kidding!
Alice Hyatt: Whaddaya mean, robbed?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Robbed!
Mel Sharples: What'd they take?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: My whole house! Some turkey towed away my trailer!
Vera Louise Gorman: Are you sure it's missing?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Vera, when y'go up t'open the front door and there ain't no front door, it don't take a genius to figure out that the house is gone!

Alice Hyatt: They took the whole trailer?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: The whole trailer, all that was left was the cement step and the sewer connection! I lost everything... all my Eddy Arnold records... that autographed photo of Dale Evans... anything that was of any sentimental value like - my three divorce certificates!

Vera Louise Gorman: Did you call the sheriff?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Yes.
Alice Hyatt: The cops'll find it, honey.
Vera Louise Gorman: I hope you gave them a good description of your trailer.
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: They all know it.

Mel Sharples: How many trailers have mirrored ceilings?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Mel, kiss my grits! I told the sheriff I'd offer a real special reward for whoever found it.
Alice Hyatt: Yeah? I'll bet three squad cars smashed into each other trying to be the first outta the station!
Vera Louise Gorman: Well, whatever the reward was I'll double it.
Mel Sharples: That'll call off the search.

Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: All I've got left in the world is what's in them two bags. Well, no point in cryin' about it, I guess they'll find it.
Alice Hyatt: Listen, Floey, stay with me till they find your trailer, huh?
Florence Jean 'Flo' Castleberry: Oh, honey, you're crowded enough.
Vera Louise Gorman: Flo's right. There's an old saying: "Guests and fish begin to stink after three days."


"Alice: Pilot (#1.1)" (1976)
Alice Hyatt: So far this week I've been offered candy bars and nylons. What is this, World War 2?

Alice Hyatt: Yes, why I won't go out to dinner with you. A. I am a widow I have a good 10 years on you I'm old enough to be your grand... baby sitter. B. I am a baby sitter for my own 12 year old son. C. My last date turned out to have a wife who looked to be about 19 months pregnant. D. I am a singer and I'm saving my nighttime energy to get another singing job. E...

Alice Hyatt: Mel fixed you a nice plate of his special. The least you can do is eat it.
Tommy Hyatt: Oh, come on Mom! When the special is lamb stew and Lima beans, the most I can do is eat it.


"Alice: Sex Education (#1.7)" (1976)
Alice Hyatt: Okay it better be a G movie cause I've had a x-rated day.

Alice Hyatt: In the bedroom! That's not where you study history. That's where you make it.


"Alice: The Bundle (#1.23)" (1977)
Tommy Hyatt: [realizing that something strange is going on] Hey, what's going on? Why's everyone so nervous? Why's the door closed?
Florence Jean Castleberry: Uh, we were just havin' a discussion.
Tommy Hyatt: Oh? What about?
Alice Hyatt: You don't wanna know.
Tommy Hyatt: Talkin' about sex, huh?
Alice Hyatt: No, we're not talkin' about sex.
Tommy Hyatt: Then, you're right. I don't wanna hear it.

Alice Hyatt: Is Mel in a good mood?
Vera Louise Gorman: I don't know; I've never seen him in one.


"Alice: Cabin Fever (#4.9)" (1979)
Vera Louise Gorman: This reminds me of when I was a little girl and I'd take bubble baths with my cousin Melanie. We used to make beards out of the soap suds.
Alice Hyatt: That's sweet, Vera.
Vera Louise Gorman: Actually, it was weird. Melanie was 38.


"Alice: Mel's in a Family Way (#3.8)" (1978)
Alice Hyatt: [referring to Mel] He's got a case of I'm-50-years-old-and-I've-missed-the-bus blues.
Vera Louise Gorman: Oh...I know exactly how he feels.
Alice Hyatt: Vera, you're not old.
Vera Louise Gorman: No, but I've missed buses.


"Alice: Who Ordered the Hot Turkey? (#3.9)" (1978)
Alice Hyatt: Your parakeet?
Vera Louise Gorman: Yes, if you don't mind. I don't want him to be home alone. Thanksgivng can be very emotionally rough on birds.


"Alice: Vera's Wedding (#8.8)" (1983)
Alice Hyatt: Don't you ever think before you say something stupid!


"Alice: Block Those Kicks (#3.5)" (1978)
Alice Hyatt: Henry, this is no time to go off your diet.
Henry: Oh yes, there is. My wife, Chloe, said she won't make love to me until I lose ten pounds. So, gimme lots of whipped cream.


"Alice: What Happened to the Class of '78? (#3.6)" (1978)
Mel Sharples: I like myself the way I am. Who needs self-improvement?
Alice Hyatt: Anyone who likes you the way you are.


"Alice: A Piece of the Rock (#1.3)" (1976)
Mel Sharples: You mean he never had a policy?
Alice Hyatt: No, Don didn't believe in insurance.
Mel Sharples: How come?
Alice Hyatt: It didn't come in a six-pack.


"Alice: Mother-in-Law: Part 1 (#1.12)" (1976)
Alice Hyatt: Vera, this is my mother-in-law, Rose Hyatt.
Vera Louise Gorman: Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Hyatt.
Rose Hyatt: [Deadpan] You're single, aren't you?
Vera Louise Gorman: Yes, how could you tell?
Rose Hyatt: Well look at you. Who would want to marry you? Eat! Get some meat on your bones.
Vera Louise Gorman: Oh, I'm really very healthy.
Rose Hyatt: Healthy? A dog could bury you in his backyard.
Vera Louise Gorman: [Vera hides her face and runs away]


"Alice: A Call to Arms (#1.5)" (1976)
Alice Hyatt: I'm not well. A person who tries to arrest a telephone is not well.


"Alice: Good Night, Sweet Vera (#1.9)" (1976)
Vera Louise Gorman: Flo?
Florence Jean Castleberry: Yeah?
Vera Louise Gorman: How do you discourage a man from making physical advances to you?
Florence Jean Castleberry: I don't.
Vera Louise Gorman: How do I stop him from chasing me just for my body?
Alice Hyatt: Let him catch ya.