Helen Harris
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Quotes for
Helen Harris (Character)
from Raising Helen (2004)

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Raising Helen (2004)
[Helen starts to read Jenny's letter from Lindsay]
Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.
Lindsay Davis: [voiceover] And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...
Helen Harris: [watches Sarah tie her shoe] Pull tight.

Audrey Davis: You treat me like a child, I am not a child!
Helen Harris: Yes, you are, you are a child Audrey and you deserve a childhood and you should fight for it but if you wont, then I will. Now give me your fake I.D
Audrey Davis: Why?
Helen Harris: Because I said so. Give me your I.D.
Audrey Davis: [gets fake I.D. out of her purse and throws it at Helen]
Helen Harris: That was very adult of you.
Audrey Davis: [shouts] You tricked me! I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her.
Audrey Davis: [points at Aunt Jenny]
Audrey Davis: [shouts] I hate you, do you hear me, I hate you!
Helen Harris: Well, I guess we are just gonna have to learn to live with that.

Audrey Davis: What about lunch
Helen Harris: Eat it, its healthy
Audrey Davis: No, I mean we don't have any
Helen Harris: I'll take care of it

Helen Harris: Henry, we have to go, stop brushing your teeth! They're gonna fall out.

Helen Harris: Audrey other people have to use the bathroom.
Henry Davis: [sarcastically] Fire, fire.

Jenny Portman: [as she examines the new apartment] I bet this is lead paint. Kids, no chewing on the window sills!
Helen Harris: Yeah, stick to the table legs like I taught you.

Sarah Davis: Hippo wants to be a Lutheran, too.
Helen Harris: Hippo is a Lutheran.

Pastor Dan Parker: [knocks on the door] Cable guy!
Helen Harris: [whispering] It's the Exorcist!

Helen Harris: See you at Vespers.
Pastor Dan Parker: Do you know what Vespers is?
Helen Harris: Some kind of scooter?
Pastor Dan Parker: Close enough.

Audrey Davis: What is the matter with you? Don't you remember what it's like to be young?
Helen Harris: Of course I do... it was last Wednesday!

Jenny Portman: [Being kicked by her unborn child] Ooh, ooh! Sweetie, what did mommy say about kicking while she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finished. Thank you very much.
Helen Harris: Did you just boss around the unborn?
Jenny Portman: It's never too early to learn good manners.

Helen Harris: Ok, problem. They're all hemophiliacs. Can't take blood. Shhh... they're sensitive!
Pastor Dan Parker: It's a joke.
Helen Harris: Why would I joke about hemophilia?

Helen Harris: It's like they've never seen a dress before!
Jenny Portman: No, they've just never seen a half of a dress.

Helen Harris: Pastor Dan just asked me out.
Audrey Davis: That is so weird.
Pastor Dan Parker: I can hear you. I'm still here. Go inside and do that.

Pastor Dan Parker: Let's talk about some things you could do at home.
Helen Harris: You wanna know what I've been doing at home? I've been doing the best I can. Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?
Pastor Dan Parker: Hey, Helen, you have any idea what it's done to theirs?
Helen Harris: Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

Helen Harris: ...Father.
Pastor Dan Parker: Pastor.
Helen Harris: ...Father Pastor.
Pastor Dan Parker: Pastor Parker.

Helen Harris: Sarah, you don't have to learn to tie your shoes right now. When you're ready to tie your shoes, you will.
Pastor Dan Parker: That's right. Show-tying is tough. Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?