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Quotes for
Melissa (Character)
from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)

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Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)
Zach Crandell: We told you to talk to her. We didn't want you to send her to the glue factory.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I didn't kill her, Zach. She died in her sleep.
Melissa Crandell: Probably choked on her whistle.

Kenny Crandell: Um... what should we do with her body?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Call an ambulance, call the cops, I don't know. Well... I mean they're gonna come and get her and they're gonna ask us a lotta questions...
Kenny Crandell: They'll probably blame us.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [scared of the thought] They'll definitely call Mom!
Melissa Crandell: SHE'LL blame us.
Kenny Crandell: Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home and then be in our faces.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I don't want Mom to come home.
Zach Crandell: I don't either.
Melissa Crandell: No way.
Walter Crandell: Me too.

Melissa Crandell: We have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to tidy up the garage!

Kenny Crandell: This place is a crock! We're never gonna make it through the summer. Man, I'm gonna hold up at Lizard's.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh, that's real brotherly of you Kenny. Always taking the easy way out. Don't you have any pride?
Kenny Crandell: No.
Melissa Crandell: I got an idea. When our food runs out, we can eat Elvis.
[the dog Elvis runs out of the room]

Mom: Melissa, want to get down from there?
Melissa Crandell: No.
Mom: Get down from there.

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [searching the house for the money] She must've had it on her!
Melissa Crandell: Well it's ours! Go back and get it from the old hag!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh yeah, we'll just go down there and say "excuse me, we left our money on dead baby sitter". No way!

Melissa Crandell: You promised to sign me up for baseball.
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia.

Kenny Crandell: What are we going to do for cash for the next two months?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: What about a garage sale?
Kenny Crandell: We live in the boonies.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: What about calling Dad?
Kenny Crandell: Dad doesn't care.
Zach Crandell: What about blackmailing Dad?
Melissa Crandell: What about donating blood? Don't they pay you for that?
Kenny Crandell: You have to be over 18.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well, there goes our great summer.

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Look, we are a family of felons. Our summer freedom's going to be a winter prison unless I get some help around here. I want the house spick-and-span by Saturday night or I'm turning us all in. Are you with me?
Kenny Crandell: Guys, what do you say?
Walter Crandell, Zach Crandell, Melissa Crandell: Yeah.
Kenny Crandell: Yeah? Come on, guys, what do you say?
Walter Crandell, Zach Crandell, Melissa Crandell: YEAH!
Kenny Crandell: YEAH! We're with you, Sue, ROCK AND ROLL!

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You guys spent over $3,000 of the company's petty cash?
Zach Crandell: [sheepishly] Uh... yeah.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: You're grounded! Until Mom returns, you are ALL grounded! How could you steal from me? You never would have stolen money from Mom!
Zach Crandell: That's because Mom never had that much.
Kenny Crandell: Now, wait a minute, Swell. They didn't steal. They "borrowed". They were following your irresponsibility.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh, shut up Kenny! I am in deep shit here!
Melissa Crandell: Then quit your job. You were never good at it anyway.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I can't quit now. I'm an embezzler. I am officially an embezzler! Rose or someone is gonna find that money gone and when they do, they'll lock me up and throw away the key!
Walter Crandell: Nah, the judge will probably go easy on you considering that you're a minor.

Melissa Crandell: How come you gotta go?
Mom: Because, I have had a very rough 37 years, and I need a break.
Melissa Crandell: You promised you'd sign me up for baseball!
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia! I wish Dad was around.
Mom: No you don't.

Melissa Crandell: When our food is gone, we can eat Elvis!
[dog whimpers and leaves the room]

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Melissa, it was your turn to take out the trash this week.
Melissa Crandell: Well I couldn't fit it into my schedule.