Marie Barone
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Quotes for
Marie Barone (Character)
from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Sculpture (#6.5)" (2001)
[upon realizing her sculpture looks like a vagina]
Marie Barone: Oh my God... I'm a lesbian.

[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]
Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.
Marie Barone: It was an accident!
Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!

Marie Barone: [as she realizes her sculpture looks like a vagina] Oh, my God. I'm a lesbian.

Ray Barone: Did you have to dedicate it to me?
Marie Barone: Oh who else?
Robert Barone: [mockingly] who else?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Baggage (#7.22)" (2003)
Marie Barone: I said to Frank, "Frank, when I come home, make sure you are the only ugly thing left in this house."

Marie Barone: Frank and I have been fighting ever since.
Debra Barone: No, you two seem so happy.

Marie Barone: Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork and spoon.
Debra Barone: [pause] I never heard that before.
Marie Barone: Take it to heart, dear.

Marie Barone: Debra, don't let a suitcase full of cheese become your big fork and spoon.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Finale (#9.16)" (2005)
Marie Barone: I'm going to the powder room for a moment and when I get back I expect everyone to have a proper look of concern on their faces!
Robert Barone: [He smiles gleefully]
Marie Barone: Robert!
Robert Barone: [His smile disappears. Marie walks into the bathroom and Robert starts grumbling]

Robert Barone: Raymond has his adenoids out the whole world has to stop.
Amy MacDougall: Robert, it's okay he feels better that we're here.
Robert Barone: Oh he has no feelings. The only reason I'm here is that Ma knows I'm the same blood type as him.
Marie Barone: Not everything's about you Robert. And keep your sleeves rolled up
Robert Barone: Maybe I had other things to do today.
Marie Barone: Enough! This is what a family does. We stick together and we support each other.
Robert Barone: [She touches his arm] Stop looking at my veins

Ray Barone: For thirty seconds you all thought I might be dead.
[He pauses and looks around at the family who remains silent]
Ray Barone: What'd everybody do?
Debra Barone: You weren't dead! It was thirty seconds!
Ray Barone: Well thirty seconds is a long time. What went through your mind. Thirty seconds okay go. I have to plan a funeral. I have to raise three kids myself. On the other hand I can start dating again. I'm gonna need new shoes. You know who's cute? Gianni.
Marie Barone: Debra!
Frank Barone: Enough! I was there! I saw your wife fall apart! I never saw her look that way and I tell ya I never want to see her look that way again!
Ray Barone: Is that true?
Debra Barone: A little

[after it is revealed to Ray that he almost died while Marie was in the bathroom]
Marie Barone: Next time this happens I get to be there!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Getting Even (#3.4)" (1998)
Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?
Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.
Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

Marie Barone: Frank, you're bidding on the pedicure? Why are you signing up for all these things?
Frank Barone: Leave me alone, I'm just trying to drive the prices up.
Marie Barone: Just trying to be a big shot. Why don't you pick one little thing that you really like...
Frank Barone: Hey, hey, *silent* auction.

Frank Barone: Debra, what kind of con game are you running?
Marie Barone: It's your own fault, Frank. Who told you to sign up for all those things?
Frank Barone: I didn't expect to win this crap.
Debra Barone: It's not crap, Frank.
Frank Barone: Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe. That is *floating* crap.
Marie Barone: Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.
Frank Barone: Guess you didn't see "Deliverance"


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Goes Downstairs (#6.6)" (2001)
Frank Barone: [fixing the stairs] Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[the stairwell collapses]
Frank Barone: AAH!
Marie Barone: Oh my God! Frank! Are you all right?
Frank Barone: ...Holy crap!
Marie Barone: Don't move! I'm coming right down!
Frank Barone: I'm in enough pain!

Marie Barone: I told him not to work on those stairs. I KNEW something like this would happen! I can't bare to see him hurt.
[to Frank]
Marie Barone: Why are you such a stubborn Jackass?
Frank Barone: Doctor, could I have THIS removed?
[points to Marie]
Marie Barone: Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a "Personality Transplant"?

Debra Barone: So, how's the rib, Frank?
Frank Barone: Okay, but I still can't burp the way I used to.
Ray Barone: Just stick to your rehab, dad.
Frank Barone: Boy am I glad to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
Marie Barone: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico to try and get some for the house.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will (#4.5)" (1999)
Marie Barone: I saw a pudding skin in the sink.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank. Have you heard, Frank? Apparently, you and I are not fit parents.
Frank Barone: I still want pudding.
Robert Barone: Hey.
Robert Barone: You're not up to their standards either.
Robert Barone: I know. What are we talking about?

Marie Barone: They're your children. It's your life, isn't it?
Ray Barone: That's been the dream.

Marie Barone: You know, actually, this could be a good lesson for me. To learn to be content with what is and not hope for what could be.
Debra Barone: So what could be is us dying and you raising our children?
Marie Barone: Well, not anymore.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ride-Along (#2.17)" (1998)
Marie Barone: [Ray and Robert have a flu] I told you two to button up your coats

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

Marie Barone: That's it! No more tag-arounds!
Robert Barone: It's a ride along, Ma.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Mozart (#2.4)" (1997)
Marie Barone: F-A-C-E, "FACE", are the ones in the spaces. And E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through them. You know that.
Ray Barone: Right...
Marie Barone: What's E-G-B-D-F?
Ray Barone: Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Raymond.

Marie Barone: Your father, his idea of culture is an undershirt with sleeves.

Frank Barone: Get me some food, will yah?
Marie Barone: Get it yourself, I'm not your slave girl!
Frank Barone: Girl? Ha!
Marie Barone: [angry] Ha! I'll show you ha!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sex Talk (#4.4)" (1999)
Marie Barone: What we do in our bedroom is our own business, and I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
Frank Barone: We can move from Lynbrook.

Debra Barone: What's this?
Debra Barone: It's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Marie Barone: Why?
Debra Barone: Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
Marie Barone: Really?
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions?
Debra Barone: What? Nothing.
Marie Barone: You know, they make robes that cover up a person.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, with a zipper.
Debra Barone: You know, I have to get back to my laundry.
Marie Barone: No no, I'm really serious, Debra. Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child?
Debra Barone: Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.
Marie Barone: But I'm her grandmother.
Debra Barone: Yes, but you're a person. You're a woman.
Marie Barone: I don't like this, Debra.
Debra Barone: She might ask about you and Grandpa.
Marie Barone: Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.
Debra Barone: Is that what you do when Grandpa aks?

Frank Barone: I don't care. If it's out in the open it's out in the open. Twice a week!
Marie Barone: What are you doing? Don't lie like that Frank.
Frank Barone: Who's lying? Come on Marie, I got a reputation. Word of mouth is everything in this business!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Letter (#2.11)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Marie I think you misunderstood the purpose of that letter.
Marie Barone: I think I understood it very well. According to you I'm intrusive, critical
Frank Barone: Overbearing

Debra Barone: [after everyone leaves her party early] This is not what I wanted!
Marie Barone: Of course it isn't dear. Nobody *wants* to throw a bad party.

Helen: Ok, for more free tupperware, it's time to play, "Guess Who's Nightie?" Did everybody put their nightie in the bag?
Debra Barone: Yes, Ma'am.
Amy MacDougall: Yes.
Marie Barone: No. I didn't bring one. I wasn't told about the party.
Helen: Well, why don't you pick first?
Marie Barone: Ok.
[she reaches into the bag and pulls out a black nightie. There is a chorus of "oohs" and "whoos"]
Gayle: I guess Amy.
Debra Barone: Yes!
Marie Barone: Amy? No.
Amy MacDougall: Well, I never wear it.
[Marie is shocked]
Amy MacDougall: Actually, I bought it special for this game. Really. Robert's never seen it!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Good Girls (#2.19)" (1998)
Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank Barone: I wanted sex.

Marie: Okay, me and your father slept together just ONCE before we were married.
Ray and Robert: WHAT?
Marie: We were in love, right?
Frank: I was young. There was some attachment.

[Robert has found out that his birthday is not when he was told it was]
Robert Barone: I guess I should know. When *is* my birthday?
Marie Barone: April 6th.
Robert Barone: Well that's today.
Ray Barone: [after a slight pause] Surprise!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Liars (#8.7)" (2003)
Marie Barone: You're eating candy? Where did you get these?
Frank Barone: They were sticking out of Ray's pants here.
Marie Barone: This is your pants that you wore last night. Mike & lkes? That's a very big box - the kind you get at the movies, but Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.
Debra Barone: Right. We got those at the hotel.
Ray Barone: Yeah, out of the minibar.
Marie Barone: What is the name of the hotel? Wait wait wait. Why don't you whisper the name to me? And then we'll see what Debra says - if it's something else. Come over here. Go ahead.
Ray Barone: [whispers very loudly] Ramada

Marie Barone: There was no hotel which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
Ray Barone: There was... no, nothing.
Marie Barone: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
Ray Barone: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
Frank Barone: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!

Marie Barone: The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
Robert Barone: This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
Marie Barone: Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.
Debra Barone: Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?
Ray Barone: [flabbergasted] How did you do that?
Marie Barone: I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?
Frank Barone: Anyone?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boob Job (#4.1)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Frank Barone: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!

Marie Barone: [the group is talking about breasts] See I expect this kind of thing from Frank, but you boys have no reason to have any interest in such things.
Frank Barone: Why not?
Marie Barone: Because I never nursed them.
Frank Barone: What the hell are you talking about?
Marie Barone: Everybody knows that if you breastfeed boys when they're babies they're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.
Robert Barone: That's why you didn't breastfeed me?
Frank Barone: That, and the two of you were almost the same height. We were gettin' looks.

Marie Barone: So how was your party, dear?
Ray Barone: Well, it started out slow, but then it turned out to be best night of my life.
Debra Barone: Oh. Come on.
Ray Barone: Tell 'em what you saw.
Debra Barone: Nothing.
Ray Barone: [yells] Tell 'em!
Debra Barone: One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Marie Barone: Oh, I don't like that.
Debra Barone: And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
Frank Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Frank Barone: Wait a minute.
Robert Barone: She just showed you?
Frank Barone: Both of 'em?
Robert Barone: Shirt on or off?
Frank Barone: With the brassiere?
Robert Barone: What were *you* wearing?
Ray Barone: All valid questions.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Getaway (#3.21)" (1999)
Robert Barone: So I see Ma's laid in supplies.
Marie Barone: Well, you're welcome to come over here for dinner tomorrow night.
Robert Barone: Oh, I see, so I'm a nice guy to have over, but you wouldn't want me staying here.
Ray Barone: What, Robert?
Robert Barone: Hmm? Nothing. Wasn't asked, wasn't considered.
Marie Barone: What weren't you considered for, dear?
Robert Barone: Let's see, today's category? Child care.
Ray Barone: Look, Robert, I didn't think...
Robert Barone: Oh, you didn't think? No, why would you think someone who's trained in CPR, public safety, and conflict resolution would be able to baby-sit.

Robert Barone: What are you doing here?
Marie Barone: Cleaning.
Robert Barone: Ma, listen. I'm in charge while Raymond is away, all right?
Marie Barone: Of course you are, dear. You're doing a wonderful job, The twins could use a nap.
Robert Barone: I'm handling this.
Marie Barone: I know, dear. I can hear through the vent. Have you thought about dinner?
Robert Barone: I'm ordering a pizza.
Marie Barone: No, pizza's not dinner. I'll fix something.
[Marie heads into the kitchen. Robert turns to Ally]
Robert Barone: Did you know she was here?
Ally Barone: Grandma's *always* here.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Brother (#2.3)" (1997)
Marie Barone: Your father's over there right now, trying to snap him out of it.
Debra Barone: Oh, what's he doing?
Marie Barone: He's yelling "Snap out of it!"

Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I won't be here!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: High School (#2.10)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon. Can you go get them?
Ray Barone: I just sat down.
Debra Barone: What are you, 80?
Ray Barone: What are you doing?
Debra Barone: I'm sorting the catalogs.
Ray Barone: Oh, God's work.
Debra Barone: Come on, one of us has to go.
Ray Barone: You go.
Debra Barone: I *always* go, Ray.
[the kitchen door opens and Marie walks in]
Marie Barone: Watch your step, Frank.
Ray Barone: All right, I'll go.
Debra Barone: No, I'll go.

Marie Barone: I need your counter space. I accidentally doubled my cookie recipe.
Ray Barone: What's that, 5,000 cookies?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Thanks (#4.9)" (1999)
Frank Barone: [after Robert told a joke about an old man forgetting where he lives] That's good. I love an old man joke.
Marie Barone: I married one.
Frank Barone: Another good one!

Marie Barone: Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavor. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra Barone: Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie Barone: [exiting] You'd think so.
[Debra picks up a frying pan and starts charging toward Marie. Ray grabs the pan out of her hands]
Ray Barone: All right. There it is. The raising of the pan. Thanksgiving is officially over.
Debra Barone: And always with that little smile. She's so good at that.
Ray Barone: Yeah. That was like a drive-by.
Debra Barone: I should just tell her to...
Ray Barone: You know what you could do?
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Gobble. Yeah, if you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.
Debra Barone: Thanks.
Ray Barone: "Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care" Gobble gobble gobble gobble!
Debra Barone: You know what? You might be right.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother?
Ray Barone: Because that's how you deal with children. Yeah, okay... but normal children. This one's big and a little off her nut.
Debra Barone: No no. Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad. Maybe that's why she keeps doing it. I should just change the way I react to her. God, that's in every book.
Ray Barone: Books. There's nothing wrong with how you react.
Debra Barone: Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.
Ray Barone: Get in line.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Father Knows Least (#2.2)" (1997)
Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled "Pieces of String Too Small to Use."
Marie Barone: I should tie them together into a noose for you.
Frank Barone: I know which beam I can use.
Marie Barone: I'll get you a step-ladder.

[Ray is taking parenting classes]
Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.
Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.
Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".
[laughs]
Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Big Shots (#3.19)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Raymond, your brother was talking about some sort of a ceremony? It sounded like a lot of fun to me. And since you are a sportswriter and have such important connections...
Frank Barone: Oh, just say it, Marie. The Hall of Fame is honoring the 1969 Mets. Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.
Ray Barone: Which one of you do I say no to?

Ray Barone: I'm not driving in the car with Robert for four hours. His feet smell.
Marie Barone: Well, take a bus.
Ray Barone: A bus. That's a smelly feet contest.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House (#5.24)" (2001)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Mom. We thought it would be OUR decision to make because it is, kinda, OUR HOUSE!
Marie Barone: Yes, but we're the ones that have to look at it.

Marie Barone: Just let your father do this. Ever since he retired he's been around ALL THE TIME!
Debra Barone: But that's what people do when they retire.
Marie Barone: I know, but I never thought he'd live THIS LONG.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener (#4.2)" (1999)
Robert Barone: If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.
Frank Barone: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie Barone: How could you mention that.
Frank Barone: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing
Marie Barone: I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.
Debra Barone: Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?
Robert Barone: [Robert and Ray both groan]
Marie Barone: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
Marie Barone: [looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings
[looks at Frank again]
Marie Barone: to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank Barone: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.
Marie Barone: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank Barone: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie Barone: YOU'RE SELFISH!
Frank Barone: FAT COLLECTOR!
Marie Barone: Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!
Debra Barone: That's right!
Marie Barone: Debra understands
Frank Barone: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
Ray Barone: [He swings a fist in the air happily]
Frank Barone: That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Frank Barone: Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

Frank Barone: [after Ray and Debra have just made up] That's it? I'm sorry? At least when WE fight stuff comes out!
Marie Barone: [Calm and assertively] Some of it will be coming out when we get home, Frank


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Angry Family (#6.1)" (2001)
Adam: Do any of you feel that the "anger" gets out of control?
Ray Barone: No.
Debra Barone: No, I really don't.
Frank Barone: No, no way.
Marie Barone: Yes.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control. I feel it whenever I come into the house.
Ray Barone: There is a solution.

Marie Barone: You think Michael's book is my fault, don't you? Don't you? Huh? If there's ever a problem in the family, it's the mother. It's *always* the mother. Well, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves. And you, you-you allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you. That's right. You had a mother. And you allowed all this to happen in your school, in your parish. This "new psychology" that children are always right, that they're being rewarded for every little thing they do with the stickers. I mean, these kids are coming home full of stickers for doing nothing! "Ooh, I went to the potty." "Here's a sticker." In my day, you had to *earn* a reward, and even then, you didn't get it. And if there was yelling in the house, you earned that, too. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with this family. We're very close, we're very open, and we're very loving, cause I make sure of it. But everybody has to make a big deal. You have to have a meeting, you have to have an inquiry, you have to have a witch hunt!
Frank Barone: I think they found one.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Talk to Your Daughter (#6.19)" (2002)
Marie Barone: Ah here it is! "Where there is no oxen, the crib is empty but good harvest comes from the strength of the bull"
Ray Barone: That's got nothing to do with this!
Marie Barone: No?
Ray Barone: [pause] No!
Marie Barone: Okay.

Debra Barone: Marie, religious scholars spend their entire lives asking this question. You're not just gonna be able to pick up a bible and find the meaning of life.
Marie Barone: Oh ye of little faith. That's in here too somewhere.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: What's with Robert? (#4.12)" (2000)
Marie Barone: Robert's not gay. He's a policeman.
Frank Barone: One of those village people was a policeman.

Marie Barone: You of all people should understand Frank. What about that man in Korea?
Frank Barone: I told you never to mention that!
Ray Barone: What? What happened in Korea?
Frank Barone: Nothing happened! We were in a foxhole! it was cold and snowing! We huddled! You gotta survive don't you? It lasted half a second!
Marie Barone: You see dear? Your father understands.
Frank Barone: Our coats were insufficent. It was huddle or die!
Marie Barone: Oh shut up Frank. We're talking about Robert. And we're telling him that we respect his choice.
Robert Barone: It's not my choice!
Marie Barone: I know dear. Frieda says it's something you're born with.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift (#2.9)" (1997)
Marie Barone: [Frank has just gone upstairs to change into his stretchy pants] Okay, let's get the presents.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: Presents? You told me we weren't getting him a present.
Ray Barone: I-He hates presents. Robert, what's going on? We stopped getting him presents.
Robert Barone: Well, it *is* his sixty-fifth birthday, Raymond. You didn't get him a present?
Ray Barone: I got him a card, a funny card.
Robert Barone: So no present from you.
Ray Barone: Well... The kids made stuff.
Robert Barone: But nothing from you.
Ray Barone: No.
Robert Barone: Dad, you coming down, or what?

Ray Barone: I don't know why you keep trying. You're just gonna have to return it like always.
Marie Barone: Uh-uh. Not this year. It's a final-sale item. No refunds and no exchanges.
Frank Barone: That's what her parents said when we got married.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Rodeo (#4.15)" (2000)
Marie Barone: I always KNEW I'd get this call!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Really? "Your son's been gored in the ass by a bull" call?

Robert Barone: [in the hospital] So, he's coming towards me, see...
Marie Barone: Did you get away?
Robert Barone: [pause] Where are we, Ma?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Be Nice (#3.23)" (1999)
Frank Barone: Nice? I tried it once. Didn't care for it.
Marie Barone: Did the same thing happen with SMART?

Frank Barone: You're playing with fire here. You got to let steam off on each other. Because if you let off on a stranger, he gets mad. He punches you. You punch him. He pulls a knife. You pull a gun. Guys jump in. Wars start. It's a mess! The spouse is the perfect escape valve.
Marie Barone: He read that at our wedding.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Workout (#4.8)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Listen, it's none of my business but I think maybe this might be Debra's way of trying to compensate.
Robert Barone: How so, Ma?
Marie Barone: Well, if you can't cook in the kitchen.
Ray Barone: Okay, goodbye.
Robert Barone: You guys are *way* off. Here.
[He hands the brochure to Frank]
Ray Barone: What are you?...
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Robert Barone: That's Debra's aerobics instructor. She watches him flex all around and then she goes home all... inspired.
Ray Barone: Why do you do that? Why do you tell Mom and Dad things like that? Huh? My personal things? Why? Why, why? Why?
Robert Barone: Brings us closer.

Frank Barone: Sounds like Mr. Muscle here is saving you some prep work.
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Frank. And I have to say Raymond, I think that Debra is playing a very dangerous game.
Frank Barone: Oh, what are you talking about? Who cares where she gets her appetite as long as she has her meal at home?
Ray Barone: Okay, stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond.
Ray Barone: Stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond, you have to get Debra out of this class right now.
Frank Barone: Why? This guy is helping out. Maybe Ray doesn't have what it takes to get Debra's motor running.
Marie Barone: Raymond's got plenty!
Ray Barone: Thank you! Mom!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Homework (#7.3)" (2002)
Ray Barone: All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at.
[Marie reacts]
Marie Barone: [long pause] "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?
Ray Barone: Yeah, that's right.
Marie Barone: You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?
Ray Barone: What? What are you talkin' about?
Marie Barone: You do not end a sentence with "at."
Ray Barone: Big deal, so I ended it with a proposition.
Marie Barone: Preposition, it's a prep- Oh my God!
Ray Barone: What? What are you getting so upset about?
Marie Barone: Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!
Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?

Marie Barone: [as Marie reads the following Ray chases Frank around the kitchen trying to steal from the last piece of pie] Based on the readings of Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer", which of the following would you recommend for fifth grade homework and why? A, a book report including cover art and illustrations. B, an oral report using period music and costumes. C, a craft project based on the pre-industrial Mississippi land. D, a fictional diary on one of the characters. Raymond!
[Frank pokes Ray in the chest]
Ray Barone: Ow! What's wrong with you?
Frank Barone: I like pie.
Marie Barone: Raymond, pay attention. I'm gonna read you this again.
Ray Barone: No, not again. I heard it already. How about we don't make the kids read "Tom Sawyer"?
Marie Barone: What? It's an American classic.
Ray Barone: All right, then I say A.
Marie Barone: Good. Why?
Ray Barone: B.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Game (#1.17)" (1997)
Marie Barone: We haven't talked for 35 years.
Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!

Marie Barone: You have scruples?
Frank Barone: I got scruples. I got scruples the size of basketballs


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Canister (#5.19)" (2001)
Marie Barone: My canister! Where'd you get that?
Frank Barone: I was... uh... was hiding it for you! Thought it would be funny.
Marie Barone: You what?
Frank Barone: Yeah, I was using it to store my nuts and bolts in. Then when I heard you bragging about it, I, uh, hid it in the attic. Pretty funny, huh?
Marie Barone: Frank, I love that canister!! I've been running around, tearing my hair out, like a crazy woman looking for that!!!
Frank Barone: All *funny*.

Marie Barone: Oh really Frank? Well here's what's not funny. THIS MARRIAGE!
Debra Barone: Marie, I...
Frank Barone: [interrupts Debra] Let her go.
Marie Barone: This is so typical of you and your *so called* sense of humor. You have NO respect for me whatsoever, and you never have! Well I promise you something, Frank. You will NOT be looking back on this little stunt as funny. I hope you're happy with yourself. You have RUINED EASTER!
[grabs canister out of Frank's hands and storms off into the kitchen]
Debra Barone: Frank, I don't know what to say. Why did you do that?
Frank Barone: I don' know, I didn't want that to happen to you. You're like my daughter.
Debra Barone: Oh,
[smiling]
Debra Barone: thank you.
Frank Barone: And she was gonna yell at me like that later anyway. I ate the back side of that ham.
Marie Barone: [in the kitchen and has noticed the back side of the ham] FRANK!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Walk to the Door (#5.7)" (2000)
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Okay, I regret not loving you more. I do. You deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Frank Barone: [laughs] Oh, man!
Marie Barone: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can you say something like that?
Frank Barone: Alright... I would love it if you were in the ocean!

Ray Barone: [to Debra] I regret that I haven't loved you enough. You deserve a husband who has enough love to fill in the ocean
Marie Barone: [She turns to Frank] Why can't you ever say something like that to me?
Frank Barone: All right here goes. I'd love it if you were in the ocean.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Meatballs (#2.15)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Let me ask you something. How do you make those meatballs?
Marie Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling but what do you put in it? Is there like a recipe or something?
Marie Barone: I stopped using a recipe years ago. I cook from here.
[Marie points at her heart]
Frank Barone: And you nag from here.
[Frank motions toward his mouth]

Marie Barone: Oh, Frank. What are you doing putting back an empty thing?
Frank Barone: That's not empty. There's some left there.
Marie Barone: Two drops? Who's going to drink two drops of juice?
Frank Barone: I am!
Marie Barone: All right. Let me pour you a nice glass of juice.
[Marie pours out the rest of the juice in less than a second]
Marie Barone: Say when.
Frank Barone: Right there's perfect!
[Frank sips a tiny bit from the glass]
Frank Barone: Ah! That was good. I think I'll save the rest for later.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Humm Vac (#5.18)" (2001)
Debra Barone: A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie Barone: You know who says that? A messy person.

Debra Barone: Am I interrupting anything?
Marie Barone: Oh no. I'm just letting Frank's pants out again. It's in God's hands now.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lucky Suit (#6.16)" (2002)
Marie Barone: [the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?
Robert Barone: Come here. Let me tell you about it.
Marie Barone: Didn't it go well?
Robert Barone: Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: I never said crazy.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ma, what did you do?
Robert Barone: She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.
Marie Barone: I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.

Marie Barone: I know you understand what I mean. You have a picture of your mother on your desk.
Agent Garfield: That's my wife.
Marie Barone: A handsome woman.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cousin Gerard (#4.7)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't need anybody, Ma, especially Gerard.
Marie Barone: I happen to know that Gerard is a very responsible young man, and he's exactly what you need. And I owe his mother.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: For what?
Marie Barone: You know, when Robert got divorced? She set him up with Melissa.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't think you owe someone for setting up a guy with his own cousin.
Marie Barone: It was just to talk. They had a lot in common.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah, DNA.

Marie Barone: I think you could do this one thing for me while I'm still here.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You mean in the basement?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pilot (#1.1)" (1996)
Frank Barone: [Marie is rooting around in Ray's desk. The front door opens and Robert and Frank come in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank Robbie! You scared me!
Frank Barone: You don't leave a note. You just leave! We're looking all over for you.
Marie Barone: Where did you look?
Robert Barone: We thought we'd start here.

Marie Barone: You know, when somebody does you a favor you're supposed to say thank you.
Ray Barone: Thank you. Thank you Mom and Dad. You're wonderful grandparents! You're not evil at all!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Model (#8.21)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Oh Robby, that's wonderful! As a boy, you were always a Looker.
Frank Barone: I always thought he was more of a "Look at that!".


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Blabbermouths (#8.20)" (2004)
Marie Barone: You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie Barone: I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.
Debra Barone: Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray Barone: What?
Frank Barone: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.
Marie Barone: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!
Debra Barone: Marie! Who told you that?
Amy Barone: Marie, I told you that in confidence.
Debra Barone: Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?
Ray Barone: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?
Robert Barone: My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?
[Debra belches loudly]


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Who's Next? (#7.20)" (2003)
Marie Barone: Look what she's wearing to a funeral!
[Frank stares at Harriet]
Marie Barone: Stop looking.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Moving Out (#3.7)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [enters] Hey Robert, you left your coat at my place.
Marie Barone: I'll take it.
[takes the coat and sniffs it]
Robert Barone: I told you Ma, I don't smoke!
Marie Barone: A good mother checks.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Italy: Part 1 (#5.1)" (2000)
Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sitter (#3.3)" (1998)
Robert Barone: Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Kicker (#6.11)" (2001)
Robert Barone: Hey Deb, I'm really sorry.
Marie Barone: I managed to throw the ball very well.
Robert Barone: Well, I thought Ray was cutting back towards the window.
Debra Barone: A CLOSED window?
Robert Barone: Well, I could tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.
Marie Barone: All right. Nobody believes you anymore, Robby.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sleepover at Peggy's (#7.19)" (2003)
Marie Barone: A woman doesn't get a man into a tent unless she's going in after him!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's on TV (#2.1)" (1997)
Ray Barone: What about my Steinbrenner joke?
Marie Barone: That wasn't funny. It's not nice to make fun of people.
Ray Barone: Well what about this?
Robert Barone: Well *this* is funny.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Article (#3.8)" (1998)
Frank Barone: Hey, hey, what are you doing there?
Marie Barone: I'm cutting an English muffin.
Frank Barone: You don't cut it. You use a fork.
Marie Barone: You don't use a fork to cut things.
Frank Barone: Not to cut, to split.
Marie Barone: What?
Frank Barone: Yeah, it says it right on the wrapper there. Look at it. Fork split. Fork! With a fork!
Marie Barone: All that means is they've split it with a fork at the factory.
Frank Barone: If they split it at the factory it'd be open already and I wouldn't have to talk to you!
Marie Barone: You want this or not?
Frank Barone: Not now. Look what you've done with you knife! Not only have you killed the crannies, you smooshed them into the nooks.
Marie Barone: I'm gonna smoosh *you* into a nook.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Look Don't Touch (#1.5)" (1996)
[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair]
Debra Barone: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
Marie Barone: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Skit (#6.17)" (2002)
Marie Barone: Hello dear.
Debra Barone: What you doing there?
Marie Barone: Oh, this? This is called polishing silver.
Debra Barone: No, I-I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.
Marie Barone: Oh, please, stop hinting Debra. The silver is going to Robbie. It's already in the will.
Ray Barone: What's this? For Lee and Stan's anniversary party?
Marie Barone: Yeah, their forty-fifth. They are our dearest friends but I have to tell you. I never thought they'd last *this* long.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Angry Sex (#9.3)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Oh, I am surprised, Raymond. You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Tenth Anniversary (#4.16)" (2000)
Marie Barone: What could you have taped over it that was so important?
Robert Barone: Football.
Marie Barone: Sports? *Sports?*
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Ma, it was the Super Bowl.
Marie Barone: It doesn't matter if it was the Super Duper Bowl, it's still sports!!!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sister (#4.6)" (1999)
Marie Barone: You smoke?
Jennifer Whelan: I used to smoke.
Debra Barone: Oh yeah everyone at her commune smoked. Sometimes those funny little cigarettes too.
Frank Barone: You were a pot smoking hippie?
Jennifer Whelan: It was just a place where people could live together and grow organic vegetables.
Debra Barone: Naked.
Marie Barone: You handled food naked?
Ray Barone: That's what makes it organic.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Counseling (#7.2)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Is it such a problem that I want my house to look clean?
Marie Barone: That's certainly valid. And Raymond, you of all people should know that if you want your house to look clean, Debra *needs* help.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf (#2.5)" (1997)
Marie Barone: I know this has been hard on you honey. And you're doing everything you can for Raymond. But maybe the way you can help him relax is very simple.
Debra Barone: What do you mean?
Marie Barone: Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear... are you making yourself available to him? You know what I'm talking about?
Debra Barone: Please, Marie!
Marie Barone: Listen, you know Raymond doesn't like to ask for things.
Debra Barone: Do we have to talk about this?
Marie Barone: I'm just trying to help.
Debra Barone: I didn't say anything when you told me how Ray liked his underwear folded, but this is over the line.
Marie Barone: I'm sorry, but Raymond needs your help. Debra, you... Have a glass of wine first!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Tissues (#6.13)" (2002)
Marie Barone: We were watching Raymond unload groceries.
Robert Barone: And nobody's video taping?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Roll! (#6.2)" (2001)
[Ray buys Deborah a sex game]
Marie Barone: Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?
Ray Barone: What?
Marie Barone: You know, the one with all the colored dots...
Ray Barone: Twister?
Marie Barone: Don't think I didn't know what you were doing in the basement.
Ray Barone: I played with Robert.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Italy: Part 2 (#5.2)" (2000)
Marie Barone: Don't fight here. This is the Colosseum.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Slave (#8.12)" (2004)
[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]
Frank Barone: [comes in] I smell pancakes!
Marie Barone: [examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?
Marie Barone: [also examining the boys] I'll never leave you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!
Frank Barone: Gimme some pancakes!
Ally Barone: [comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes, Grandpa?
Frank Barone: What the hell do you think I've been saying?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Mentor (#8.22)" (2004)
[first lines]
Frank Barone: Okay everybody, you're allowed in my home unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me.
Marie Barone: That's how you talk after church, Frank?
Frank Barone: Yeah, my prayers weren't answered.
Marie Barone: Next time, pray for hair.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you two a long time ago.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Misery Loves Company (#8.4)" (2003)
Marie Barone: [Marie explaining how their marriage has work for so long] We might fight but we're OK with each other. You know why? We've endured. We have been through it all. And now...
[hesitates]
Frank Barone: We're waiting for death!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The First Time (#6.24)" (2002)
[Debra is trying to talk Marie into making up however she is not listening]
Marie Barone: Frank would like some more sauce?
Frank Barone: No sauce! Talk!
[She pauses and then looks at Robert]
Marie Barone: How about you Robbie?
Robert Barone: [Extending out his plate] Yeah sure I'll take some more.
Frank Barone: You take that sauce and I'll kill you.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Christmas Present (#5.11)" (2000)
Marie Barone: What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?
Debra Barone: Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Debra.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult (#7.1)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I felt like I was a part of something. You know where they wanted me around and really cared about me.
Marie Barone: You have that here you stupid ass!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Wedding (#7.24)" (2003)
[the Reverend has begun the wedding ceremony]
Reverend Stevens: If anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Marie Barone: Excuse me, I need to say something
[all stare at Marie in horror]


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Needs Money (#7.6)" (2002)
Ray Barone: We did something for Robert.
Marie Barone: What did you do?
Ray Barone: He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
Marie Barone: You mean with money?
Ray Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: How much?
Ray Barone: A thousand dollars.
[Marie gasps]
Frank Barone: What are you two, idiots?
Debra Barone: No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.
Marie Barone: Why didn't he come to us if he needed money?
Frank Barone: Because we'd say no.
Marie Barone: I'm his mother. I'm the one he should have come to if he needed money. Raymond, I want to buy out that loan.
Frank Barone: No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Debra Barone: It wasn't a loan. It was a gift.
Frank Barone: I stand corrected.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Not So Fast (#9.2)" (2004)
Marie Barone: So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this
[pointing at the exercise machine]
Robert Barone: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine.
Robert Barone: Ma!
Frank Barone: Can I go for a ride?
Amy MacDougall Barone: It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise.
Marie Barone: I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Win, Lose or Draw (#1.9)" (1996)
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Moves Back (#3.25)" (1999)
Amy MacDougall: Robert, six months ago when I asked about our future, you freaked out and we broke up. Now you're ready to get married, just because you're afraid of what your mother thinks?
Marie Barone: Sometimes a mother knows best, dear.
Amy MacDougall: Sometimes a mother should just butt out!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Security (#8.16)" (2004)
Marie Barone: [Marie and Frank enter] Hello, dears.
Debra Barone: [to Amy] Why couldn't the alarm go off now?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Tasteless Frank (#9.12)" (2005)
Marie Barone: [Frank is taking male enhancement pills that affect his sense of taste] I'm touched that our years in the boudoir have meant so much to you.
Frank Barone: Well, they have. But if it's all the same to you... I'd rather have the food.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meeting the Parents (#7.17)" (2003)
Hank MacDougall: I don't think it's a good idea for us to be anywhere near your family.
Pat McDougal: Don't take it personal. We're just not the type of people who would ever be seen with. You.
Marie Barone: I take umbridge to that! I take severe umbridge!
Frank Barone: Me too!
Robert Barone: You don't even know what umbridge means.
Frank Barone: Shut up!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball (#1.12)" (1996)
Ray Barone: Here, Ma. Debra says thanks for the clothes.
Frank Barone: What clothes?
Marie Barone: Oh, it's your junk. Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
Frank Barone: Moth-eaten? Marie, I love that sweater. And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in *my* clothes.
Marie Barone: Welcome to my world, Frank.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: What Good Are You? (#5.12)" (2001)
Marie Barone: Remember that boy who was teasing you? And you walloped him?
Ray Barone: That's right. Robert's friend, Pete Gomez.
Frank Barone: How old was this bruiser? Ten?
Ray Barone: I was ten. He was twelve. And a half. Yeah. He called me "Big Nose Barone" and I told him to stop and he said "okay B.N.B.". I knew what that meant and so I hit him in the stomach and he drops like a sack of doorknobs. It wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch"
Marie Barone: And you don't have a big nose dear. It's perfect for your face.
Frank Barone: It's perfect for two faces.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ingrate (#8.17)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Let me tell you, it didn't start with a smile. It started with nineteen hours of horrible labor!
Frank Barone: But before that, there was a smile.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pat's Secret (#9.15)" (2005)
Marie Barone: [after Pat Reveals that she smokes, Marie is upset with Robert] So, suddenly Pat's a hero... How about if I smoked the pot... Would you be closer to me then?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Thought That Counts (#7.11)" (2002)
Marie Barone: Frank, why can't you put more thought into what you got me?
Frank Barone: Slippers are very thoughtful. Every day I see your feet when you get out of bed. So I thought and I thought and I thought. What can I get to cover up those things?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Home (#9.1)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Well, I guess that's everything.
Debra Barone: Marie, I want to say something.
Ray Barone: Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.
Robert Barone: Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?
Frank Barone: Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.
Debra Barone: [shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.
Ray Barone: Ow!
Debra Barone: Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.
Marie Barone: Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.
Debra Barone: Have a great trip


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine? (#1.7)" (1996)
Robert Barone: Hey a prize. Lucky me.
Ray Barone: Why lucky you? Who said it's yours?
Robert Barone: It's in my bowl.
Ray Barone: Technically it's my house so it's my bowl.
Marie Barone: Come on Robbie you had it last time.
Robert Barone: That was thirty years ago!
Ray Barone: Relax. I don't even know if I want it. You can have it if I don't want it. Oh a submarine powered by baking soda. Want it.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School (#2.21)" (1998)
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway?
Marie Barone: Well you fasten your seatbelt.
Robert Barone: Okay?
Marie Barone: You check your mirrors.
Robert Barone: Correct.
Marie Barone: You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you.
Robert Barone: Anything else?
Marie Barone: No I think that's it.
Robert Barone: Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it
Robert Barone: [he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy?
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico!
Ray Barone: I don't know. That's awfully specific.
Marie Barone: Robbie that was thirty years ago.
Robert Barone: [as himself] I don't have a problem with it.
Debra Barone: Uh-oh.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Captain Nemo (#1.11)" (1996)
Marie Barone: Why has your brother been sitting over there for two days all moping and depressed?
Ray Barone: Because he's Robert.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Say Uncle (#5.22)" (2001)
Marie Barone: Who told Robert to get a life?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Alone Time (#4.20)" (2000)
Robert Barone: When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.
Marie Barone: Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Toaster (#3.12)" (1998)
Marie Barone: I have my own opinions. I'm not just some trophy wife.
Frank Barone: Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet Cemetery (#5.5)" (2000)
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Come on, Dad. Again, with the metal-detector? What are you doing?
Frank Barone: Your mother's birthday's coming up.
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, there's nothing here but rocks and dirt.
Marie Barone: That's better than what he got me last year.