Ray Barone
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Quotes for
Ray Barone (Character)
from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996)

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"Everybody Loves Raymond: Getting Even (#3.4)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Anything my wife touches falls off. You can imagine how scared I am.

Ray Barone: Come on, what do you - don't be such a bad sport.
Debra Barone: What if you were me? What would you do?
Ray Barone: I would laugh at all my husband's jokes, strip off my clothes, have my way with him and then put on TV.
Debra Barone: Keep dreaming.
Ray Barone: I would - I'd be so naughty. I might even talk dirty, oh!

Ray Barone: Listen, we're here for the kids because, uh, they're the future and they deserve - they deserve a new playground, really. So that they can slide and swing upside down and break their necks.

Ray Barone: Who's gonna bid twenty dollars for this fine piece of craftsmanship, finely crafted by a fine craftsman who I happen to sleep with?

Ray Barone: I know, you're mad at the jokes.
Debra Barone: You just - you just couldn't stop, could you, Ray?
Ray Barone: I was killing them, it was great. That box falling apart, that was the best thing that could've happened. That broke the ice.
Debra Barone: You embarrassed me.
Ray Barone: What? No! It was all fun. Come on, I told you, people thought that we did it on purpose.
Debra Barone: I felt humiliated.
Ray Barone: Don't feel humiliated.
Debra Barone: Don't tell me how to feel.
Ray Barone: But you're wrong.
Debra Barone: There's no right or wrong, this is how I feel. You can not tell me not be humiliated, I just am.
Ray Barone: Okay, all right, feel humiliated.
Debra Barone: I don't anymore.
Ray Barone: Okay, all right...
Debra Barone: Now I'm just angry. I mean I can't believe - I can't believe you - It's bad enough what you did to me tonight, but you don't even care how I feel about it. All you care about is how well you did, you laugh-whore
Ray Barone: Maybe you should... go back to being humiliated.

Ray Barone: Now, give Gumby some Pokey
[He kisses Debra who does not kiss him back]
Ray Barone: Whoa! I don't want to say that was cold, but if your mouth opened, a little light would come on.

Ray Barone: She's not gonna get you.
Ray Barone: How do you know?
Robert Barone: Cause I said, "Are you gonna get Raymond?" She said, "no." Case closed.
Ray Barone: That's it?
Robert Barone: Oh, yeah. And she also said the twins aren't yours.
Ray Barone: Come on. Come on. Yeah. Really, what's going on?
Robert Barone: Raymond, I know when people are up to something. I can smell it.
Ray Barone: And she smells all right?
Robert Barone: She smells very good.

Ray Barone: I know how your mind works.
Debra Barone: You don't even know how *your* mind works.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will (#4.5)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas
Debra Barone: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert Barone: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra Barone: Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert Barone: Oh, why not?
Debra Barone: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert Barone: No no no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray Barone: I don't know.
Robert Barone: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.
Ray Barone: Maybe you're right.
Debra Barone: Oh, that's what convinces you? I've been talking to you about this for six years!
Ray Barone: You didn't fall in a manhole! He knows how to get through to me.
Debra Barone: See if you can get him to floss.
Robert Barone: Whatever you need.

Ray Barone: Hey.
Debra Barone: Hey.
Ray Barone: You know, I almost died today.
Debra Barone: Really?
Ray Barone: That's what you say when I tell you I almost died?
Debra Barone: What am I supposed to say?
Ray Barone: "Oh my God, Ray! Are you all right?"
Debra Barone: What happened?
Ray Barone: I'm in the press box, I'm watching the game...
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Ray Barone: ...and I'm eating a soft pretzel. But these pretzels they have, they're not moist. They're bigger than the other ones, but they're very dry. Anyway, the salt doesn't stick to them, it falls everywhere.
Debra Barone: Oh my God, are you okay?
Ray Barone: You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?
Debra Barone: All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
Ray Barone: Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!
Debra Barone: Yeah?
Ray Barone: Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!
Debra Barone: You get chocolate cake in the press box?
Ray Barone: It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.
Debra Barone: I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Debra Barone: I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Ray Barone: You've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray Barone: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.

Ray Barone: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra Barone: $800,000.
Ray Barone: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Marie Barone: They're your children. It's your life, isn't it?
Ray Barone: That's been the dream.

Ray Barone: Ma, if Bernie and Linda drop dead, you're on deck!

Ray Barone: I will say this about your father. He is a happy drunk.

Ray Barone: We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.
David Atkins: Excuse me?
Ray Barone: Well 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Thought That Counts (#7.11)" (2002)
Amy MacDougall: You know, Robert. I got to say that book seems a little more thoughtful than what you got me.
Ray Barone: What'd he get you?
Amy MacDougall: Tickets to the Ice Capades.
Robert Barone: What's wrong with that? The Ice Capades is two and a half hours of frozen fun.

Amy MacDougall: You're very thoughtful, Ray. You should trust your own instincts.
Ray Barone: Yeah? Cause I did think of something. You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold? So I thought, what if I get her this really great, top-of-the-line, primo space heater?
[Amy smiles at Ray, unsure how to tell him he has a terrible idea]
Ray Barone: Top of the line! Four settings. Low, medium, high... off.
Robert Barone: Raymond, have you ever even met your wife? Do you know anything about her?
Ray Barone: I know she gets chilly.

Robert Barone: What are you doing here?
Ray Barone: No, I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop in and say howdy doodle.
Robert Barone: Howdy doodle? What, are you hitting the eggnog?

Ray Barone: It's unbelievable. You know, I try to do something nice and thoughtful and it's like I killed my mother's birthday.
Debra Barone: Yep. Very, very thoughtful.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: Hmm? Nothing. No, I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was but I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort into the things that you buy. For her.
Ray Barone: Goodnight.

Ray Barone: I want to get something really special for Debra this year, you know? Cause she's just... so great.
Amy MacDougall: Oh, I know. Debra loves pajamas!
Ray Barone: No! Nah, no pajamas.
Robert Barone: [as if he has an idea] Hey, you know what? Get out.
Ray Barone: [Ray ignores Robert] I just-I just. I want to get her something thoughtful, you know? Something that says, "Debra, you mean so much to me, and this gift makes me think of you." So what do you got?

Debra Barone: You gave me the perfect present.
Ray Barone: You know I almost went with another idea. Something from Lake Saugatuck.
Debra Barone: Lake Saugatuck? I don't think I've even mentioned that in ten years.
Ray Barone: Well, you know, I guess I remembered it cause I knew how important it was to you.
[Debra hugs Ray]
Debra Barone: Oh, isn't he too much, huh?
Robert Barone: [yelling] It was me!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: You should be happy with me! I told him to get you that book! It was my idea! Not Raymond's! Me, mine, all me!
Ray Barone: Robert.
Robert Barone: Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill A Mockingbird"!
Ray Barone: Yes I did!
Robert Barone: You did not! You never read the book! You never saw the movie! I bet you didn't even know there *was* a movie about it! Huh? Who was the star of the movie, Raymond?
Ray Barone: Wha-what does that got...
Robert Barone: Gregory Peck! Gregory Peck! He played Atticus Finch! Gregory Peck!
[he imitates Gregory Peck's performance]
Robert Barone: All right, Scout. Step aside while I shoot this rabid dog.
[continues yelling]
Robert Barone: He won the Oscar in 1962! You moron!

Ray Barone: I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff. You're not making any sense! Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.
Debra Barone: You always get me gift certificates and backrub IOUs or stuff that I've had to hint that I want like, like these pajamas for instance.
Ray Barone: You never hinted about those pajamas
Debra Barone: I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store, directions from the front of the store to the pajama department. I still had to return them because you got the wrong ones.
Ray Barone: See, if you sleep naked we don't have this problem.

Debra Barone: All you care is about is "What should I get for my mom?", "You think my mom will like this?", "Why don't we ask my mom?" Mom, mom, mom, mom, ma.
Robert Barone: How do we get out of here?
Ray Barone: Come on, Debra! You got your book. I gave it to you. You should be happy. Isn't it the thought that counts?
Debra Barone: Yeah but it wasn't *your* thought. It was his!
Amy MacDougall: [pokes Robert in the stomach] Yeah! And why do you care so much about her gift?
Robert Barone: I don't care about her gift. I was just trying to make him look bad.
[to Ray]
Robert Barone: Sorry, man.
Ray Barone: It's okay. I understand.
Debra Barone: You know, Ray? I don't want you to ever get me another gift again because every time you do it just makes me realize how little you care.
[shoves the book into Ray's hands]
Debra Barone: Merry Christmas Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, come on! Now you're becoming my mother!
Debra Barone: What?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Angry Family (#6.1)" (2001)
Eileen: We do have counselors. Father Hubley is very good.
Ray Barone: No, no. That's the last thing that we need.
Eileen: Why do you say that?
Ray Barone: Because then everybody's talking about it and...
Debra Barone: Look what are you... Why do you have to be so closed minded? You see this is the attitude.
Ray Barone: I'm not close minded.
Debra Barone: Ugh! What are you doing? Right now? This is who you are! Why can't you just talk about things? Huh? Talk!
Eileen: You know I have to say that you're actually exhibiting some of the very traits that seemed to jump off the page in Michael's book.
Debra Barone: Who?
Eileen: Um. well, uh, you.
Debra Barone: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.
Ray Barone: You sound a bit close minded.
Debra Barone: Hey!
[she turns towards Eiieen and throughout the next statement grows increasingly upset]
Debra Barone: Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married I didn't just get a husband. I got an entire freak show that put up their tent right across the street. And that would be fine if they stayed there. But every day, *every* day. They drop a truckload of their insane family drek into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their sixties fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother!
[She starts imitating Robert]
Debra Barone: I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn.
Debra Barone: [as herself again] But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this sick hold on the both of them! And the father is about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped on this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories! My life is a gothic novel. And until you have lived in that house with all of them in there with you, day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, then you are in no position to judge me!

Robert Barone: If I may, you mentioned, Father Hubley, I was not included in that book and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodge-podge of life from a rather unique vantage point
Ray Barone: The top of a beanstalk?
Robert Barone: [he pauses in order to shake off Ray's comment and then continues talking to Father Hubley] And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like a you-know-what through a we-know-what. That person goes by the name, of Raymond.
Ray Barone: Oh sit down you dope.
Robert Barone: He is and always has been the center. The center of attention. The center of affection. He always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak from these poor souls stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end, on him. Thank you
[Robert begins to sit back down. Ray puts his hand on the seat which causes Robert to jump]
Robert Barone: Ah! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Ray Barone: What are *you* doing? Center chair. It's my kitchen get your own kitchen!
Robert Barone: There ya go! See because I only have a kitchenette and he loves it! Right, Rub-It-In-Raymond? No house for me! No wife! No kids! No lawn! No nothing!

Robert Barone: I'm writing my own book.
Ray Barone: Get out.
Robert Barone: That's the title.

Ray Barone: There are times where you seem to yell for no reason, you know? Maybe... maybe that's what he's picking up on.
Debra Barone: I'm pretty sure that most of the leading characters in that story were from the Barone side.
Ray Barone: Yeah, okay, but the loud part, I'm thinkin', is probably you.

Adam: Do any of you feel that the "anger" gets out of control?
Ray Barone: No.
Debra Barone: No, I really don't.
Frank Barone: No, no way.
Marie Barone: Yes.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control. I feel it whenever I come into the house.
Ray Barone: There is a solution.

Eileen: I was really impressed with that Michael wrote about in his book, weren't you?
Debra Barone: Me? Uh, definitely. Oh, definitely. Um, but I do think that his book was just a story. And, yes, obviously all stories do come from somewhere.
Ray Barone: Well, not all of them.
Eileen: Hmm?
Ray Barone: I was just thinkin' something. I was just thinkin', some stories come from... like-like those shows you go to where they say, "Give us a location!" And then the audience goes, "An elevator!" And then they say, "What language should we do?" or something. And you yell, "French!" You know, and they do a hilarious thing right there. "Second floor - croissants!" You know? Yeah. They just-they make that stuff up right there on the spot. Yeah. So that would be one example where some stories do come from.
Eileen: Is-is that what Michael did?
Ray Barone: Probably not.

Ray Barone: If you were on top of stuff, you coulda stopped the story from leakin' out.
Debra Barone: I am on top of stuff! What do you do, huh? Look, those stories were supposed to be a surprise for the parents.
Ray Barone: A surprise for the parents? I think the surprise is, you get to the school and there's an open bar. No, this was like an ambush.
Debra Barone: And you can't even see what the real problem is here, can you? There's an image that Michael has of us.
Ray Barone: Come on, we're normal.
[Debra stares at him]
Ray Barone: Comparatively normal. Watch the news.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Homework (#7.3)" (2002)
Ray Barone: [after Frank stabs Ray with fork] Ow!... What did you do that for?
Frank Barone: I like pie!

Ray Barone: All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at.
[Marie reacts]
Marie Barone: [long pause] "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?
Ray Barone: Yeah, that's right.
Marie Barone: You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?
Ray Barone: What? What are you talkin' about?
Marie Barone: You do not end a sentence with "at."
Ray Barone: Big deal, so I ended it with a proposition.
Marie Barone: Preposition, it's a prep- Oh my God!
Ray Barone: What? What are you getting so upset about?
Marie Barone: Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!
Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?

Debra Barone: [Ray comes in the door] Oh, good. Get in there. Ally needs help with her homework.
[Ray turns around and starts to head back out]
Debra Barone: Hey, hey! Get back in here! Ray, come on. It's either help Ally or give the twins their bath.
Ray Barone: Alright come here guys. Let me look at you.
[He inspects the extremely dirty twins]
Ray Barone: What'd, you strike oil? I'll do Ally.
[He walks into the living room where Ally is sitting on the floor surrounded with books and papers]
Ray Barone: Hey, Popeye. You look like you're doing pretty good here. You don't need my help do you?
Ally Barone: Yes, I do.
Ray Barone: Okay. Alright don't worry. Daddy's here to help you.
[He picks up the remote and turns the TV on]
Ally Barone: Mommy says no TV during homework.
Ray Barone: Don't worry about Mommy.
Debra Barone: Turn it off, Ray!
[He obeys immediately]
Ray Barone: Alright, let's see. What do you got?
Ally Barone: I have to answer all these questions about Abraham Lincoln
Ray Barone: Okay.
Ally Barone: I have to do these three worksheets on fractions.
Ray Barone: Alright.
Ally Barone: And I have to make a diorama of a marine ecosystem.
Ray Barone: [He stands up] Baths! I'll do the baths. I'm gonna do the baths!

Marie Barone: [as Marie reads the following Ray chases Frank around the kitchen trying to steal from the last piece of pie] Based on the readings of Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer", which of the following would you recommend for fifth grade homework and why? A, a book report including cover art and illustrations. B, an oral report using period music and costumes. C, a craft project based on the pre-industrial Mississippi land. D, a fictional diary on one of the characters. Raymond!
[Frank pokes Ray in the chest]
Ray Barone: Ow! What's wrong with you?
Frank Barone: I like pie.
Marie Barone: Raymond, pay attention. I'm gonna read you this again.
Ray Barone: No, not again. I heard it already. How about we don't make the kids read "Tom Sawyer"?
Marie Barone: What? It's an American classic.
Ray Barone: All right, then I say A.
Marie Barone: Good. Why?
Ray Barone: B.

Ray Barone: I was up all night going over the material and, uh, well I just got a few things to say. You know, when I was a kid I always thought that we had too much homework and, um, since I hated all the homework I started to hate learning. In fact what I learned to do more than anything else was to avoid the work. Sorry to say I still try to avoid it whenever I can. Just ask my wife. But, you know, it seems to me that kids today, they've got ten times the homework that we had, you know? And I don't want my daughter to hate learning. I want here to be curious and thoughtful and get excited about new ideas. And most of all, and I think this is what we want for all our kids, I want her to be happy. I mean, I think there's homework that's important and everything and then I think there's overload. I mean, are we piling it on? You know we're so worried that the kids won't be competitive and that kids won't have a future that we're taking away their present. Anyway, you know, maybe we could just keep that in mind. Cause isn't that the type of school we want our kids to be at? I mean in. I mean of. I mean a part of. I mean, isn't that... isn't tha... isn't that the kind of school we want our children to be a part of? In.
[Ray sits down and a board member turns to another member]
Board Member: And you wanted to cut down on the English homework.

Ray Barone: [to Debra] Just so you know, you could have had sex tonight. It was gonna be all new stuff.

Ray Barone: Sorry to disturb you, Your Highness. But while you were up here reading your latest kiss handsome boys book and rubbing lotion on your bunions, peasants were downstairs trying to build an ocean in a shoebox.
Debra Barone: Are you complaining?
Ray Barone: Am I complaining. I just did homework for two hours.
Debra Barone: Well, then I guess that makes the score three million to two.
Ray Barone: What, are you keeping track now? That is so petty.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: High School (#2.10)" (1997)
Ray Barone: When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.

Debra Barone: Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon. Can you go get them?
Ray Barone: I just sat down.
Debra Barone: What are you, 80?
Ray Barone: What are you doing?
Debra Barone: I'm sorting the catalogs.
Ray Barone: Oh, God's work.
Debra Barone: Come on, one of us has to go.
Ray Barone: You go.
Debra Barone: I *always* go, Ray.
[the kitchen door opens and Marie walks in]
Marie Barone: Watch your step, Frank.
Ray Barone: All right, I'll go.
Debra Barone: No, I'll go.

Warren: Scott cried during the SATs when he skipped a question by mistake and all his answers were off by one.
Ray Barone: Yeah.
Scott Preman: That wasn't funny, okay? I had to go to community college.

Marie Barone: I need your counter space. I accidentally doubled my cookie recipe.
Ray Barone: What's that, 5,000 cookies?

Debra Barone: Oh look, "The Eagles Return To The Nest"
Ray Barone: Yeah, we were the eagles. Now where are the bald eagles?

Ray Barone: [to Debra] That guy's got hair. You promised me bald people!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Driving Frank (#3.2)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: How did you get the keys back from mom?
Frank Barone: That was not pleasant. But I found the remote.

Debra Barone: What happened?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: He passed!
Debra Barone: HE PASSED? J-Just the writen part.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: No. EVERYTHING. The driving, the turning, the seeing.
Debra Barone: What kind of government is THIS!

Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

Frank Barone: [to Robert about traffic incident] What ever I do, I'm your father, you should look the other way!
Frank Barone: [to Ray] Right?
Ray Barone: Dad, what *ever* you do, I look the other way.

Debra Barone: [astonished as Frank's renewed drivers license] The problem is he has the State of New York behind him now.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah well, they better not try to pass him cause he'll flip 'em off.

Debra Barone: Ray. Listen, I've decided that I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.
Robert Barone: Because of the swearing?
Debra Barone: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Ray Barone: Yeah, well I don't think I can tell him that he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Debra Barone: Why not? He's too aggressive.
Ray Barone: That's why I can't tell him.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Getaway (#3.21)" (1999)
Ray Barone: We'll be staying in someone else's house?
Debra Barone: They won't be there, Ray.
Ray Barone: I don't want to sleep where other people have slept.
Debra Barone: What do you think hotels are?

Robert Barone: So I see Ma's laid in supplies.
Marie Barone: Well, you're welcome to come over here for dinner tomorrow night.
Robert Barone: Oh, I see, so I'm a nice guy to have over, but you wouldn't want me staying here.
Ray Barone: What, Robert?
Robert Barone: Hmm? Nothing. Wasn't asked, wasn't considered.
Marie Barone: What weren't you considered for, dear?
Robert Barone: Let's see, today's category? Child care.
Ray Barone: Look, Robert, I didn't think...
Robert Barone: Oh, you didn't think? No, why would you think someone who's trained in CPR, public safety, and conflict resolution would be able to baby-sit.

Robert Barone: Here's the bag that I borrowed.
Ray Barone: Yeah. Well, what's this smell? What'd you keep in it?
Robert Barone: Some meat.

Debra Barone: Okay, so, are you gonna shower or-?
Ray Barone: What for?
Debra Barone: For the hayride.
Ray Barone: Well, how bad do I smell that I got to take a shower before being dragged around behind a horse?

Ray Barone: I ran out of things to say on the George Washington Bridge. Remember, I said, "I always take the upper level, 'cause if it collapses, you fall on the people on the lower level"? That doesn't even make sense. We're all going to die. We all go in the river.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cousin Gerard (#4.7)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [imitating Gerard's nasal whiny voice, which people tell Ray sounds like himself] Oh, nooo! I spilled the white-out!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't need anybody, Ma, especially Gerard.
Marie Barone: I happen to know that Gerard is a very responsible young man, and he's exactly what you need. And I owe his mother.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: For what?
Marie Barone: You know, when Robert got divorced? She set him up with Melissa.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't think you owe someone for setting up a guy with his own cousin.
Marie Barone: It was just to talk. They had a lot in common.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah, DNA.

Marie Barone: I think you could do this one thing for me while I'm still here.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You mean in the basement?

Raymond "Ray" Barone: What does a cat say?
Gerard: You mean a talking cat?

Raymond "Ray" Barone: [to Gerard] You even talk strange. You're all nasally and whinily and - like the word you just said, right...
Gerard: [Now, in nasal] Ne-ow?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [shakes head] Okay, what does a cat say?
Gerard: [confused] You mean a talking cat?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: No! A regular cat, a regular cat. What does a regular cat say?
Gerard: Meow?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Meow, now, meow, now. You see how annoying that can be?
Gerard: Yeah, but what do you want?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Try it like this.
[deep round tone]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: right NOW.
Gerard: Right ne-ow.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Try it again.
Gerard: Right ne-ow.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [normal] Right now.
Gerard: [all in nasal] Right ne-ow
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
Gerard: Neow!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
Gerard: Neow!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
Gerard: Neow! It's the same.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [more Now's until Ray says] It isn't... this isn't about me Gerard.
Gerard: Well, knock it off! You're really annoying. That's right! You know what? I quit! I've had it with you and your whole side of the family. I only took this job because my mom owes Aunt Marie.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: My mom owes your mom!
Gerard: Yeah yeah , believe whatever you want. I'm outta here, you crazy bastard!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [yells up basement steps] You got problems, pal! You got problems, all right?... And I'll tell you something, you're gonna go through life blind to your problems and there's no call for that kind of language!
[to self]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ne-ow. Ugh. Right ne-ow. Agh! Right now now!
[Round deep tone again]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: "Right NOW! Right NOW!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Model (#8.21)" (2004)
Amy MacDougall Barone: While we were waiting for our food, Robert got discovered!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Discovered as in "Hey, I found Bigfoot"?

Amy MacDougall Barone: When we were waiting for our order in the bar, ROBERT GOT DISCOVERED!
Ray Barone: Discovered as in, hey I found Big Foot?

Robert Barone: I don't know what happened. Even the lightbulbs are gone. It-it's like a con job.
Ray Barone: How could it be a con job? I mean - oh, don't tell me you paid the guy to represent you.
Robert Barone: No. I only paid for the pictures. I paid for the pictures.
Ray Barone: Oh... man. How much?
Robert Barone: $1000.
Ray Barone: $1000? Are you nuts?
Robert Barone: It would've cost me a lot more with one of those outside guys!
Ray Barone: Oh my God!
Robert Barone: I feel sick.
Ray Barone: All right, easy. Easy!
Robert Barone: I can't breathe! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Ray Barone: Calm down! Robert! Just calm down.
Robert Barone: I can't breathe!
Ray Barone: Calm down. Calm down!
Robert Barone: How can I calm down?
Robert Barone: How can I calm down? Do you know what this means? I've been conned and I'm a cop. I'm a conned cop!
Ray Barone: All right. So why don't you just track the guys down, and you throw 'em in jail?
Robert Barone: Yeah sure. I can just imagine the headlines: "Giant Cop is Giant Schmuck!"

Robert Barone: How do I face Amy and Mom and Dad - They think I'm a model!
Ray Barone: Nobody thinks that.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Blabbermouths (#8.20)" (2004)
Marie Barone: You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie Barone: I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.
Debra Barone: Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray Barone: What?
Frank Barone: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.
Marie Barone: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!
Debra Barone: Marie! Who told you that?
Amy Barone: Marie, I told you that in confidence.
Debra Barone: Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?
Ray Barone: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?
Robert Barone: My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?
[Debra belches loudly]

Debra Barone: Ray, this is crazy. What, do you expect me to remember everything I've ever told Amy about you over the years?
Ray Barone: Years? You've been doing this to me for years?
Debra Barone: Look, okay, I realize you're upset and I will try to be more sensitive but I do talk to Amy about my life and I'm sorry but you happen to be a big part of my life.
Ray Barone: Well, I'm sorry you and the other hens don't have anything better to do than to cluck around the henhouse like a gaggle of cluckity cluckin' hens!

Ray Barone: I didn't say your marraige didn't have a chance in hell. The way that sounds. I- Alright, look. There are certain things that a man says to his wife when he's just trying to, I don't know, fill the silence!
Robert Barone: Oh, now I understand. You're a hateful jerkface. And what I mean by that is that you're hateful and you're a jerkface.

Ray Barone: You been walking around secretly thinking I'm a hateful jerkface but still acting all fake nice to me?
Amy Barone: I haven't been that nice. A few months ago you got a haircut and everybody said, "Nice haircut, Ray." But I didn't.
Ray Barone: How could you do that to me? I mean, that's terrible!
Amy Barone: You hurt my feelings.
Ray Barone: Still, you think someone's a hateful jerkface, you gotta tell them. I have feelings too.
Robert Barone: Hateful jerkface. Feel better?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Big Shots (#3.19)" (1999)
Ray Barone: [Ray is driving while Robert sits in the passenger seat and removes his shoes] I think we hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.

Robert Barone: I admit that there may have been times when I might have mentioned in passing that I possibly envied you. But not anymore. And would you like to know why?
Ray Barone: Yeah, no, not really. Where the hell is the waitress?
Robert Barone: Everything you have - successful career, great family, free hot dogs - has made you lose touch with reality. You... are spoiled.
Ray Barone: Oh. Yeah. And I guess all those years sponging off mom and dad have made you a better person.
Robert Barone: It certainly did. I may have a thankless job, be divorced, pay full price for a hot dog, but I happen to have something you'll never have.
Ray Barone: A tail?

Marie Barone: Raymond, your brother was talking about some sort of a ceremony? It sounded like a lot of fun to me. And since you are a sportswriter and have such important connections...
Frank Barone: Oh, just say it, Marie. The Hall of Fame is honoring the 1969 Mets. Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.
Ray Barone: Which one of you do I say no to?

Ray Barone: I'm not driving in the car with Robert for four hours. His feet smell.
Marie Barone: Well, take a bus.
Ray Barone: A bus. That's a smelly feet contest.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Be Nice (#3.23)" (1999)
Debra Barone: [on the phone] Yeah, well, of course she has time to work out. She's only got one kid.
Ray Barone: Deb, where's the paper?
Debra Barone: Yeah, oh, well, give her a pair of twins and then let's see her body.
Ray Barone: Debra, where's the paper?
Debra Barone: [to Ray] I don't know.
[back to the phone]
Debra Barone: Yeah, yeah. Put her in a bikini! There you go.
Ray Barone: You brought the paper in. Where'd you put it?
Debra Barone: [to Ray] Honey, I'm on the phone.
[to the phone]
Debra Barone: You know what? I saw a bathing suit that would be perfect for you.
Ray Barone: Could you just point to the paper?
Debra Barone: Would you stop? I'm on the phone.
Ray Barone: In the amount of time it took you to say that, you can tell me where the paper is.
Debra Barone: Yeah, it's just my husband.
Ray Barone: Well, who's that?
Debra Barone: It's Jason's mom from school, okay?
Ray Barone: You don't even know her name. Tell me her name.
[Debra shushes him]
Debra Barone: Yeah, I have the catalog here somewhere.
Ray Barone: Oh, so you're looking for something for somebody you don't even know. Where's my paper?
Debra Barone: Yeah. Here. I've got the catalog. You know what? I'll give it to you when I see you at the book fair. Okay? Okay. Bye-bye.
[She hangs up and turns to Ray]
Debra Barone: God! You are impossible! I can't talk on the phone for two minutes without you interrupting me.
Ray Barone: Where's the paper?

Ray Barone: Oh, hey, Justin, your mother's gonna be right back, okay?
Debra Barone: Where is she?
Ray Barone: She's over there. I'm keeping an eye on Justin for her.
Debra Barone: You're watching additional children?
Elise: [Walking up] Here we go. Oh, hey, Debra.
Debra Barone: Hi.
Elise: I got everybody popsicles.
Ray Barone: Oh, great. one, two, three, four, five. Five popsicles.
Elise: Thanks for watching Justin, Ray.
Ray Barone: Pleasure, Elise.
Elise: You better hang on to him, Debra. Come on, Justin!
[She leaves]
Ray Barone: See you later, Justin!
[to Debra]
Ray Barone: Well, you know, this is silly. We don't both need to be here. Maybe one of us should - I don't know - Go home and watch the ball game.
Debra Barone: I don't think you wanna go yet. You're gonna miss the awards ceremony.
Ray Barone: Huh?
Debra Barone: Yeah. And the winner for best performance as a husband goes to
[She pantomimes opening an envelope and then gasps as she pretends to read it]
Debra Barone: Ray Barone for "Mr. Fantastic Visits A Park"! Yay!
Ray Barone: Oh, I have nothing prepared.

Ray Barone: Oh, I love turkey.
Debra Barone: Yeah. You want some chips?
Ray Barone: No. Just your sandwich. Yes!
[He takes a bite]
Debra Barone: How is it?
Ray Barone: It's great. Do we have chips?
Debra Barone: Yeah sure.
Ray Barone: Huh.
Debra Barone: Why? What's the matter?
Ray Barone: No, nothing, There something new in here? Something new?
Debra Barone: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I made my own dressing yesterday.
Ray Barone: Hmm!
Debra Barone: You like it?
Ray Barone: I - you know, I think it's marvelous that you're trying the new dressings, yeah.
Debra Barone: Wait a minute. What is that?
Ray Barone: What? Nice.
Debra Barone: No, no, no. That's not nice. That's, like, fake nice. That's your mom.
Ray Barone: All right, all right, now, *that's* not nice right there.

Ray Barone: Why is it that the last people who should talk are always my relatives?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Look Don't Touch (#1.5)" (1996)
Bernie: Will you look at her? Oh, my god. If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?
Ray Barone: Wear the same underwear every day?

Ray Barone: [on the phone] Hello? Yes, he is. May I ask who's calling? Okay, just a minute. Angelina.
Ray Barone: Angelina? Don't know anyone by that name.
Debra Barone: Does he know what this is regarding? Okay, yeah thanks for calling. Bye-bye. She's got your wallet.
Ray Barone: What? My wallet?
Debra Barone: Yeah. It's at Nemo's.
Ray Barone: I didn't go to Nemo's.
Debra Barone: Well your wallet made it there somehow. Do you have your wallet? Ray, she said she just waited on you.
Ray Barone: Oh Nemo's Nemo's, yeah. Might have been a waitress over there. Even though we usually go to the counter. But today Nemo forced us into this table, where the waitresses go. So we had to have a waitress. Not *have* a waitress. We uh we had waitress service.
Debra Barone: So how pretty is she?
Ray Barone: I didn't say she was pretty.
Debra Barone: You didn't have to. You're being so defensive about it. My gosh, you'd think there was something going on.
Ray Barone: [laughs uncomfortably] No, no, no, no. no, no, no.
Debra Barone: You're a freak.
Ray Barone: What? What did I do?
Debra Barone: Come on, can't you be honest? I mean, look Ray, if you saw someone pretty today, you could tell me.
Ray Barone: I saw nothing.
Debra Barone: Wow, she must be beautiful.
Ray Barone: Look, she's Nemo's niece. How beautiful can she be? You've seen Nemo. All right, some men might find her attractive. Nothing like you, though.
[Debra glares at Ray]
Ray Barone: Which means that you are the more attractive one. I... I have the right to an attorney.

Debra Barone: Ray, wake up!
Ray Barone: There's pudding everywhere!

Debra Barone: Would you sleep with her if we weren't married?
Ray Barone: What? No! No. No. No!
Debra Barone: Let's just pretend I didn't exist.
Ray Barone: I don't like this ride. It's scary.
Debra Barone: What are you afraid of?
Ray Barone: Look, if you didn't exist I'd never meet another woman because I'd be a sailor. I'd sail. I'd just sail around the world by myself married to the salt and the sea.
Debra Barone: Man, okay, just forget it. Good grief. I was just kidding.
Ray Barone: All right.
Debra Barone: Okay, so you're a sailor. You pull into the port of Queens to take on supplies and you go ashore to Nemo's. You're lonely from this long journey and you come upon this lovely pizza wench. Would you sleep with her?
Ray Barone: You don't exist?
Debra Barone: It's like It's A Wonderful Life. There's no Debra.
Ray Barone: Well, then it's not a wonderful life, is it?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: A Vote for Debra (#6.20)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I don't know why you're letting her waste her time with this crap.
Ray Barone: No, Debra's right. She said it's important for parents to get involved in their kids' education. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Frank Barone: We never got involved with your education.
Robert Barone: That's right. Pa didn't go in for all that fancy book-larnin'.
Frank Barone: What? What did I pay taxes for? You think I had time to tell you what two plus two is?
Robert Barone: Well, maybe if you took more interest, who knows how far I could have gone?
Frank Barone: Four! Two plus two is four! Go get 'em, tiger!

Debra Barone: How could you do that to me?
Ray Barone: Well, I just looked at what both candidates brought to the table, and I thought Bill Parker...
Debra Barone: Bill Parker? You hate Bill Parker!
Ray Barone: I hate Bill Parker the man, but I just thought that Bill Parker the candidate had an interesting platform
Debra Barone: Shut up! I'm your wife. I don't care if my platform was... anti-puppy. You have to vote for me.
Ray Barone: But doesn't it say in the Constitution...
Debra Barone: I don't care what it says in the Constitution! You vote for you your wife! And since you you know what it says in the Constitution?
Ray Barone: I'm not gonna stand here and let you badmouth America.

Debra Barone: We all know why you didn't vote for me, Ray. Because you were afraid that if I win, I might get out of this house and you might have to get off your butt once in awhile and do something! You want me locked in this house. Your vote was a vote for slavery!
Ray Barone: I have always spoken out against slavery.

Ray Barone: You know, you're not supposed to ask people who they vote for. That's why we folded our votes and put it in the shoebox with tape around it, and they locked it up in the school's cafe-gym-a-torium... as our forefathers did.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball (#1.12)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
Ray Barone: There are now. Come on, Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.
Debra Barone: Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!
Ray Barone: Oh, God.
Ally Barone: Santa?
Robert Barone: Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho!
[He turns towards Ray]
Robert Barone: Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ray Barone: Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.
Robert Barone: I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
[Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]
Frank Barone: Where's Ally? Ho, ho.
[He sees Robert]
Frank Barone: Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert Barone: I'm Santa Clause.
Frank Barone: You're Santa?
Ray Barone: Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.
Frank Barone: What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?
Debra Barone: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.
Frank Barone: Right! He's my helper.
[to Robert]
Frank Barone: Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

[Ray has just learned that his Mickey Mantle autographed baseball may be a fake]
Debra Barone: You okay, Ray?
Ray Barone: What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?
Debra Barone: Come on, Ray. I don't remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
Ray Barone: No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't- you don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. To Ray. Ray. Then he wishes me luck. *Good* luck. Then he signs it. Mickey Mantle. Look at that. Look how the y in the Ray is the same as the y in Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy. This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy, this guy's Mickey Mantle.
Debra Barone: Gee, that's beautiful Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how 'bout it?"
[She rolls her eyes and walks away]

Debra Barone: Ray, come on. Are you still thinking about that baseball?
Ray Barone: No. No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now.
Debra Barone: Like what?
Ray Barone: Remember that guy that you went out with before me? Eric... Butterpants?
Debra Barone: Eric Butterman, Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, so you *do* remember him!
Debra Barone: Yeah. What about him?
Ray Barone: You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you otherwise you would've never met me.
Debra Barone: Yeah, so?
Ray Barone: So. So, if he had never broken up with you, would you have been gladder?
Debra Barone: You're really crazy. You know that?
Ray Barone: No. No, no, no, no. How do I know? How do I know that I'm the one you want to end up with.
Debra Barone: Here's a hint, Ray. Our three kids!
Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah. Our three blonde kids.

Robert Barone: [Robert and Frank are both dressed as Santa and are trying to convince Ally that the other one is an imposter] I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank Barone: Oh! Uh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen. Uh, those are the main ones. We rotate 'em so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid. Ajax. And Lefty!
Robert Barone: Aha! Now we know the truth! Ho, ho, ho!
[Ally pulls down his beard]
Ally Barone: It's Uncle Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no, little one. I have only assumed the body of a life-form that... you would accept.
Ray Barone: Robert, you're Santa. Not a Klingon.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Toaster (#3.12)" (1998)
Ray Barone: What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.
Robert Barone: Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're in the way. The Robert Barone story"?

Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

Ray Barone: That wasn't just a toaster, Ma. It said, "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."
Frank Barone: It spoke?

Ray Barone: I'm a doofus, okay? I admit it. Come on, who am I kidding? Look at me. I'm a goofy doofus with a foofy toaster.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Brother (#2.3)" (1997)
Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I won't be here!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!

Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember?
Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.
Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, That's how it starts.

Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Thanks (#4.9)" (1999)
Ray Barone: It's like getting into a hot bath. You know, at first, you don't think you can take it. But then, you know, once you get all your luggage in it's not that bad.

Ray Barone: [about Robert and Frank] If either of them say one more word to me, I'm gonna go Batman on their ass!

Marie Barone: Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavor. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra Barone: Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie Barone: [exiting] You'd think so.
[Debra picks up a frying pan and starts charging toward Marie. Ray grabs the pan out of her hands]
Ray Barone: All right. There it is. The raising of the pan. Thanksgiving is officially over.
Debra Barone: And always with that little smile. She's so good at that.
Ray Barone: Yeah. That was like a drive-by.
Debra Barone: I should just tell her to...
Ray Barone: You know what you could do?
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Gobble. Yeah, if you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.
Debra Barone: Thanks.
Ray Barone: "Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care" Gobble gobble gobble gobble!
Debra Barone: You know what? You might be right.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother?
Ray Barone: Because that's how you deal with children. Yeah, okay... but normal children. This one's big and a little off her nut.
Debra Barone: No no. Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad. Maybe that's why she keeps doing it. I should just change the way I react to her. God, that's in every book.
Ray Barone: Books. There's nothing wrong with how you react.
Debra Barone: Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.
Ray Barone: Get in line.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ride-Along (#2.17)" (1998)
[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

Robert Barone: [on the radio] Open warehouse door check out okay. We'll do another check in a while and if need be call in the bow-wow.
Robert Barone: [to Ray] That's a police dog.
Ray Barone: A bow-wow's a police dog? How do you crack that code?

Ray Barone: Maybe later we can climb a tree and save a meow-meow.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Father Knows Least (#2.2)" (1997)
Ray Barone: All right, Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally Barone: Why?
Ray Barone: 'Cause I do.

[Ray is taking parenting classes]
Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.
Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.
Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".
Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.

Debra Barone: Don't try that Active Listening with me! Where you do get off listening to me?
Ray Barone: Never happen again.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sleepover at Peggy's (#7.19)" (2003)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Look, I didn't mean to -
Peggy: Didn't mean to what? Call me a scary, mean, old ass-grabber?

Debra Barone: Just go and take Ally, okay? She's got a sleepover at Molly's.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Whoa! Molly's?
Debra Barone: Yeah, Molly's.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Isn't Molly's mom that Peggy? The Scout Master Nazi Cookie Hitler?
Debra Barone: Yeah, that's how she's listed in the phonebook.

[Ray comes inside the house completely soaked and clutching his destroyed umbrella]
Robert Barone: What's with you? What happened?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Nothing. Nothing, I went to the drug store and it's kinda windy out. Let me ask you something. What does it mean when a woman pats you on your, you know, on your bottom.
[Robert and Gianni turn and stare at Ray]
Gianni: What drug store did *you* go to?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Angry Sex (#9.3)" (2004)
Gianni: Hey, what is she mad at you for?
Ray Barone: She wasn't mad at me. She was mad at my mother. And I don't know, it just freed up something in her, and she channeled that anger in a very hot fashion.
Bernie: Did she curse?
Ray Barone: She said some things, man. She said some things.
Gianni: Oh, sweet!
Bernie: Come on!
Robert Barone: [Robert stands up and the chair he was sitting in sticks to his rear] All right, all right! That's enough!
Robert Barone: What's your problem?
Robert Barone: That's disgusting! Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.
Ray Barone: What? They're my friends, all right? So mind your own fat-ass business.
Gianni: Yeah, shut up.
Robert Barone: My rear end is appropriately proportioned... Raymond. And I'd like to say something else, exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant. And double repugnant is then bragging to your monkey pals about it. The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman should be a private thing, and remain sacred.

Ray Barone: Does the term, "angry sex" mean anything to you?
Bernie: Oh, yeah. You mean like when the wife gets angry 'cause we wrap it up a little too soon?

Robert Barone: Oh, you are going straight to hell.
Ray Barone: And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.
Robert Barone: You win.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Baggage (#7.22)" (2003)
Ray Barone: ...Cheese. I love it, and yet I used it as a weapon.

Robert Barone: [Ray is sitting on the couch with a box on his lap. Robert comes in] Hey, what's up?
Ray Barone: You want some cheese?
Robert Barone: What is all that?
Ray Barone: I helped some guy get a job at the paper, so he gave me, like a cheese sampler.
Robert Barone: You've done nothing but eat cheese all day.
Ray Barone: I can't stop.

Ray Barone: You remember when Debra and I went to Conneticut for the weekend?
Robert Barone: Sure, Raymond. I remember every one of your comings and goings. You're my whole life!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Move Over (#3.20)" (1999)
Ray Barone: Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.

Ray Barone: Look, the touching never used to bother me before. It's just - maybe it's 'cause I'm older. You know, things change. Like - like, now I can't handle anything hickory-smoked.
Debra Barone: Maybe you should get out of here, Ray. You never know when I'm going to touch you in a non-sexual way.
Ray Barone: Oh, come on, don't be mad.
Debra Barone: Don't be mad?
Ray Barone: Look, you want to know something? I'll tell you the truth. This whole thing is my grandmother's fault, Nonny Barone.
Debra Barone: Oh, yes, of course, Nonny Barone. The woman who brought dysfunction to America.
Ray Barone: No. No, this is gonna sound dumb, but every summer, we had to visit her in Yonkers. She had this tiny apartment. And - and Robert and I, we went to bed on the foldout couch. All night long, he'd be up against me. I couldn't breathe. I was, like, suffocating. And I couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything, because he'd wake up, and then he'd laugh and try to crush me. And - and if I screamed to stop him, Nonny Barone would come in and yell at *me* for the screaming. You know, so most nights, I just laid there awake. That's - I don't know. I've never gotten over that, I'm sorry. I never thought about it before, but that's gotta be it. You know, but listen, it's my problem, all right? You just - you touch me all you want. Cuddle, hug, snug. Do it all 'cause it'll be good for me.
Debra Barone: Oh, that's - no, it's okay. I mean, I didn't know that, so I'll try to give you some more room, okay?
[Debra rolls her eyes]

Ray Barone: Father Hubley?
Father Hubley: What? Oh, Raymond.
Ray Barone: Yeah. How you doing, Father? I was just in the neighborhood, you know.
Father Hubley: Did you want something?
Ray Barone: Yeah, um... Listen I'm just - I'm having this problem, and all the real shrinks are booked up for six weeks.
Father Hubley: How flattering.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Wedding (#7.24)" (2003)
Debra Barone: You're dancing with me today, Jerkwad!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You haven't called me that since our wedding!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: I loved it when my mother said: "I'm a mother, you are my business!" You know what we're waiting for Ma? Your "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE".

[Marie has interupted the service]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: [whispered to Robert] Did you bring your gun?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Walk to the Door (#5.7)" (2000)
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Okay, I regret not loving you more. I do. You deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Frank Barone: [laughs] Oh, man!
Marie Barone: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can you say something like that?
Frank Barone: Alright... I would love it if you were in the ocean!

Ray Barone: [to Debra] I regret that I haven't loved you enough. You deserve a husband who has enough love to fill in the ocean
Marie Barone: [She turns to Frank] Why can't you ever say something like that to me?
Frank Barone: All right here goes. I'd love it if you were in the ocean.

Robert Barone: You want to go to the woods and dump Dad out?
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Rub some honey on his ass and blow a bear whistle

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Security (#8.16)" (2004)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: It's still doing it, Robert! Censor is going off for no reason at all.
Robert Barone: Yeah, well it can be a bit jumpy. You know, for just an extra $25.99 a month I can install ANOTHER one.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah. How about I install my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ...
Debra Barone: RAY!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: I didn't get robbed till I got an alarm!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: Do you want to be a cop? Or do you want to be an alarm salesman? Finish this sentence. I'm a...
Robert Barone: cop
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Alright now why did you pick that?
Robert Barone: Because you said "I'm a" and not "I'm an"

"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus (#1.3)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [at the funeral] Bride's side or groom's side?
Ray Barone: [Silently stares at Robert]
Robert Barone: I'm lightening the mood

Debra Barone: [Ray and Debra stop Ally running through the house] Is that my laundry marker? Honey were you drawing on the walls again?
Debra Barone: [innocently] No I drew on Geoffrey
Debra Barone: [She walks into the kitchen and returns a moment later with Geoffrey. Under his nose is a black toothbrush moustache] Bad news for Europe Ray.
Ray Barone: [He grabs a tissue] I got it. See it's coming off. It's not coming off

Ray Barone: If you don't forgive Aunt Alda no one at this funeral is going to have a good time.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Apartment (#3.11)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Robert's my brother. I just want what's breast for him.
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Hmm?
Debra Barone: You just said breast. I just want what's breast for him.

Ray Barone: Listen, nothing was going on, nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing would happen...
Debra Barone: I know.
Ray Barone: You do?
Debra Barone: God, Ray, I mean, come on. I saw those women. Like you had a shot.
Ray Barone: Okay, you're hurt, you're lashing out now.
Debra Barone: Listen, all I want to know is why do you have to lie to me?
Ray Barone: I don't have to, it's... just my way.
Debra Barone: "Robert's touch and go, emotionally speaking." Why don't you just say, "I'm going over to Robert's to look at pretty girls"?
Ray Barone: I got to be honest with you, it never occurred to me to say that.
Debra Barone: Yeah, that's right, because I would have said no. And you would have to stop living vicariously through Robert.
Ray Barone: That's right, vicariously. Vicariously, just looking. Not thinking, not moving, just thanking God for the blessing that is my beautiful wife while I hang pictures. Vicariously.

Robert Barone: Wait, Deb. Look, before you go, I was in there hiding, but really thinking about what Ray had said before. And believe it or not, there's actually some truth to it.
Ray Barone: It's okay, Robert, it's over. It's *all* over.
Robert Barone: No, I'm serious here. When I first moved in here, I was kind of depressed. I was away from my family, I lost my girlfriend. And then Ray came over and he kind of liked the place. And for once, I had something that he thought was something. And it made the whole place better.
Ray Barone: For Robert.
Robert Barone: That's true. You know, me and Raymond, we don't get to hang out together that much and it's been - it's been good.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Liars (#8.7)" (2003)
Marie Barone: You're eating candy? Where did you get these?
Frank Barone: They were sticking out of Ray's pants here.
Marie Barone: This is your pants that you wore last night. Mike & lkes? That's a very big box - the kind you get at the movies, but Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.
Debra Barone: Right. We got those at the hotel.
Ray Barone: Yeah, out of the minibar.
Marie Barone: What is the name of the hotel? Wait wait wait. Why don't you whisper the name to me? And then we'll see what Debra says - if it's something else. Come over here. Go ahead.
Ray Barone: [whispers very loudly] Ramada

Marie Barone: There was no hotel which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
Ray Barone: There was... no, nothing.
Marie Barone: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
Ray Barone: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
Frank Barone: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!

Marie Barone: The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
Robert Barone: This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
Marie Barone: Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.
Debra Barone: Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?
Ray Barone: [flabbergasted] How did you do that?
Marie Barone: I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?
Frank Barone: Anyone?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank's Tribute (#3.16)" (1999)
Frank Barone: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.
Ray Barone: Who, the guys you swim naked with?
Frank Barone: That's lodge policy!

Ray Barone: Why do you like Frank Barone?
Member of Frank's Lodge: I don't like Frank Barone!

Ray Barone: You're excited about this?
Robert Barone: It's an honor to be son of man of the year.
Ray Barone: I don't even want to be brother of guy who wants to be son of man of the year.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Finale (#9.16)" (2005)
Frank Barone: Listen while you're in there have the doctor look at your unenjoyable testicle.
Ray Barone: It's undescended Dad.
Frank Barone: Yes, and do you enjoy it that way? What's the big deal? He'll be down there anyway.
Robert Barone: Do you even know where the adenoids are Dad?
Frank Barone: Sure, around back with the other "oids"

Ray Barone: For thirty seconds you all thought I might be dead.
[He pauses and looks around at the family who remains silent]
Ray Barone: What'd everybody do?
Debra Barone: You weren't dead! It was thirty seconds!
Ray Barone: Well thirty seconds is a long time. What went through your mind. Thirty seconds okay go. I have to plan a funeral. I have to raise three kids myself. On the other hand I can start dating again. I'm gonna need new shoes. You know who's cute? Gianni.
Marie Barone: Debra!
Frank Barone: Enough! I was there! I saw your wife fall apart! I never saw her look that way and I tell ya I never want to see her look that way again!
Ray Barone: Is that true?
Debra Barone: A little

[last lines]
Debra Barone: [the entire family is gathered all around the table] Hey, Ray it's a little crowded in here.
Ray Barone: Maybe we should get a bigger table.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine? (#1.7)" (1996)
Robert Barone: Hey a prize. Lucky me.
Ray Barone: Why lucky you? Who said it's yours?
Robert Barone: It's in my bowl.
Ray Barone: Technically it's my house so it's my bowl.
Marie Barone: Come on Robbie you had it last time.
Robert Barone: That was thirty years ago!
Ray Barone: Relax. I don't even know if I want it. You can have it if I don't want it. Oh a submarine powered by baking soda. Want it.

Ray Barone: What, is your TV broken?
Frank Barone: Of course not. Look, see, I taped down the scan button. Now when I'm flipping channels, I don't have to move.
Ray Barone: That's good. Why don't you tape your eyelids up, and then you'll never miss anything?
Frank Barone: [gives Ray an incredulous look] That's silly.

Frank Barone: I was someplace today I haven't been in thirty years. Guess where I went?
Ray Barone: The barber.
Frank Barone: Close. I went to the supermarket.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Dog (#1.19)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Ally it's dinnertime honey.
Ray Barone: See? For the kids it'd be great. A pet.
Debra Barone: Ally already has a hamster.
Ray Barone: Hamster. You can't play catch with a hamster. Well, you can but the hamster doesn't look forward to it.

Debra Barone: Ray, you know I love dogs but the last thing we need is something else that eats and poops.
Ray Barone: Okay, I'll stop doing one of those.

Ally Barone: What's that?
Ray Barone: Sweetie it's a doggie. Isn't he great?
Ally Barone: He smells.
Ray Barone: [to Debra] She says that about the twins and we keep them.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Goes Downstairs (#6.6)" (2001)
Debra Barone: We can never have sex again!
Ray Barone: Whoa, WHAT?
Debra Barone: Look at your father lying in there hurt. And now, everytime we - I'm gonna think of HIM. Working on those stairs and all of a sudden his Little Bald Head dropping out of sight.
Ray Barone: Well, here's something you might try. Think of ME when we're having sex.
Debra Barone: We did this to him, Ray. We lied to him and now he has a broken rib. WE broke his rib. We might as well have rolled off that bed and ON TO HIM!
Ray Barone: HEY! You to put images my head? Because we MAY never have sex again.
[Nurse walks by and hears him. Ray says to nurse]
Ray Barone: Hey. Hi.
[to Debra]
Ray Barone: Look, this was not our fault.
Debra Barone: Yes it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% YOURS!
Ray Barone: Whoa, whoa! Where do you come up with those figures?
Debra Barone: Because you STARTED it! None of this would've happened if you didn't have to tell your friends what a be STUDD you are!
Ray Barone: Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear THAT?

Debra Barone: So, how's the rib, Frank?
Frank Barone: Okay, but I still can't burp the way I used to.
Ray Barone: Just stick to your rehab, dad.
Frank Barone: Boy am I glad to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
Marie Barone: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico to try and get some for the house.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: How They Met (#3.26)" (1999)
Ray Barone: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?
Debra Barone: You know what she's yelling, right?
Ray Barone: Yeah, "habanadah!"
Debra Barone: She's saying, "Have a nice day."
Ray Barone: Oh.
Ray Barone: Well, maybe she isn't crazy.

Ray Barone: I can't go out with her now. The whole time she's gonna know that all I'm thinking about is her breasts.
Robert Barone: So don't think about them.
Ray Barone: Okay. Don't think about Zebras. Go.
Robert Barone: Wow.
Ray Barone: What are you thinking about?
Robert Barone: A Zebra with breasts

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boys' Therapy (#9.6)" (2004)
Ray Barone: So, what excuse did you give Dr. Greenburg this week?
Robert Barone: Oh, I didn't even talk to him this week. I told him I was going to be working undercover for a while and when I came back I'd have plenty of issues.
Frank Barone: What kind of issues?
Robert Barone: I told him I had to dress as a woman and I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.
Ray Barone: Oh yeah! Oh that's perfect.
Robert Barone: I know!
Frank Barone: If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.
Ray Barone: I know!

Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like what we were talking about the other day. I'm kind of a lousy father because of him, so I just back it up, one more, to Grandpa Joe.
Frank Barone: Yeah, and his dad was the worst. My grandpa, Sal.
Robert Barone: Oh yeah?
Frank Barone: Oh yeah. Grandpa Sal, very scary. He once made Mussolini wet himself.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Hackidu (#4.17)" (2000)
Russell: Let me tell you something about Hackidu.
Ray Barone: Oh boy.
Russell: It's evil!

Ray Barone: I'm Ray Barone. Robert's brother.
Russell: Oh you're Robert's brother? Get out!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Sculpture (#6.5)" (2001)
[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]
Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.
Marie Barone: It was an accident!
Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!

Ray Barone: Did you have to dedicate it to me?
Marie Barone: Oh who else?
Robert Barone: [mockingly] who else?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House (#5.24)" (2001)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Mom. We thought it would be OUR decision to make because it is, kinda, OUR HOUSE!
Marie Barone: Yes, but we're the ones that have to look at it.

[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]
Ray Barone: [On the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.
Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!
[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by]
Frank Barone: [without stopping; at Marie's face] That's gonna need another coat.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Moving Out (#3.7)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Hey, your the one that's always telling him to go. Complaining that he's always around. Putting him down.
Frank Barone: I don't REALLY want him to go. If he goes, it's just me and HER!
Robert Barone: [enters] Hey, I got some of my stuff.
Frank Barone: DON'T GO! I-uh-I love you!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: [enters] Hey Robert, you left your coat at my place.
Marie Barone: I'll take it.
[takes the coat and sniffs it]
Robert Barone: I told you Ma, I don't smoke!
Marie Barone: A good mother checks.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sitter (#3.3)" (1998)
Debra Barone: You know, I don't think I'm gonna have Lisa sit for us anymore.
Ray Barone: What? No! Listen, I never think of her, ever.
Debra Barone: Uck. No, idiot. God! No, I was just thinking... I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much. It just... It feels wrong.
Ray Barone: Wrong? What - it gives us more time to love each other. And if loving you is wrong... Baby, I don't want be right.
Debra Barone: Well, it just doesn't feel right to me.
Ray Barone: Come on. She's a great babysitter. It's what we always dreamed of. Come on. Look, because of her, you've got nail polish on. Don't you love that? I love it. Look at the little piggies and wee-wee-wee-wee-wee
Debra Barone: Stop it! No, you don't care about nail polish.
Debra Barone: I know, but - you wanna go back to the way it was with the kids covered in salsa and you wanting me to help? That's... I mean, that's... That's no kind of life.
Debra Barone: Yeah, but Ray, look, they are only young once. This is our only chance to enjoy this age.
Ray Barone: Well, what about my age? When do we get to enjoy my age?
Debra Barone: All right, okay. If we have to leave the kids with somebody, then you know... maybe it should be your mom. Because after all she is... family. Think of how your mom must feel with this. She comes over here and she sees Geoffrey and Michael and Ally playing with some stranger and they're having so much more fun with her than they ever had with... her
Ray Barone: Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then. Look, the bottom line is quality time, that's all. And by quality time, of course, I mean...
[Ray starts singing "Loving You" in falsetto]

Debra Barone: She is really hurt. I am such a jerk.
Ray Barone: You left some toys around. What? It happens.
[Debra starts crying]
Ray Barone: What? No! What? Please stop. I didn't mean *you* left them around. They got left around. Come on, the kids probably left them, the stinking kids
Debra Barone: No, Ray, it's my fault.
Ray Barone: No, no, it isn't
Debra Barone: Yes it is, 'cause I set her up. I just couldn't stand how much the kids wanted to be with Lisa. So I got your mom to babysit, so it... wouldn't go as well.
Ray Barone: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You told a perfectly nice girl not to come because you thought the kids liked her too much?
Debra Barone: Mm-hmm.
Ray Barone: And then you brought in Old Yeller to make yourself feel better?
Debra Barone: Yes. I'm terrible. I'm this evil person.
Ray Barone: I love this!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Talk to Your Daughter (#6.19)" (2002)
Ray Barone: It turns out that Allie didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!
Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?
Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.
Debra Barone: You what?
Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.
Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?
Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!

Marie Barone: Ah here it is! "Where there is no oxen, the crib is empty but good harvest comes from the strength of the bull"
Ray Barone: That's got nothing to do with this!
Marie Barone: No?
Ray Barone: [pause] No!
Marie Barone: Okay.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Date (#3.15)" (1999)
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
[to Marie]
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.

Robert Barone: That is so whack!
Ray Barone: We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: What's with Robert? (#4.12)" (2000)
Ray Barone: When you talk like that people could get offended.
Frank Barone: What in the hell you talking about?
Ray Barone: When you say Nancy. What are you implying exactly?
Frank Barone: That your name should be Nancy.
Ray Barone: And that's your word for gay?
Frank Barone: Very well.
Ray Barone: So you mean that as an insult.
Frank Barone: Yes I believe I do.
Ray Barone: I'm just saying that's not very nice.
Frank Barone: That's why it's a good insult.

Marie Barone: You of all people should understand Frank. What about that man in Korea?
Frank Barone: I told you never to mention that!
Ray Barone: What? What happened in Korea?
Frank Barone: Nothing happened! We were in a foxhole! it was cold and snowing! We huddled! You gotta survive don't you? It lasted half a second!
Marie Barone: You see dear? Your father understands.
Frank Barone: Our coats were insufficent. It was huddle or die!
Marie Barone: Oh shut up Frank. We're talking about Robert. And we're telling him that we respect his choice.
Robert Barone: It's not my choice!
Marie Barone: I know dear. Frieda says it's something you're born with.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Standard Deviation (#1.4)" (1996)
Ray Barone: [while eating ice cream] Mmm fudgy!

Bernie Gruenfelder: All you have to do is type your browser to www.bernie.com and there I am straddling a jet ski. Oh sorry Ray. We know about computers but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot.
Ray Barone: [He looks depressed. Bernie laughs]
Debra Barone: Come on Bernie he didn't tell you about the test so you could make fun of him!
Bernie Gruenfelder: You know nothing about friendship

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Civil War (#2.13)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I can't believe you shot me, Robert!!
Frank Barone: Stop it! You're ruinin' it!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I gotta lie here all afternoon?
Robert Barone: It's gotta be authentic!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: What authentic? Stone-Wall Jackson's wearing a beeper.
Robert Barone: His wife's pregnant!

[Ray is leaving dressed up as a confederate soldier complete with a Rhett Butler mustache]
Debra Barone: What am I going to tell Tom and Maryann?
[He turns]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn.
[the theme from "Gone With The Wind" swells as Ray leaves and Debra closes the door behind him]
Debra Barone: Idiot.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift (#2.9)" (1997)
Marie Barone: [Frank has just gone upstairs to change into his stretchy pants] Okay, let's get the presents.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: Presents? You told me we weren't getting him a present.
Ray Barone: I-He hates presents. Robert, what's going on? We stopped getting him presents.
Robert Barone: Well, it *is* his sixty-fifth birthday, Raymond. You didn't get him a present?
Ray Barone: I got him a card, a funny card.
Robert Barone: So no present from you.
Ray Barone: Well... The kids made stuff.
Robert Barone: But nothing from you.
Ray Barone: No.
Robert Barone: Dad, you coming down, or what?

Ray Barone: I don't know why you keep trying. You're just gonna have to return it like always.
Marie Barone: Uh-uh. Not this year. It's a final-sale item. No refunds and no exchanges.
Frank Barone: That's what her parents said when we got married.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Rodeo (#4.15)" (2000)
Marie Barone: I always KNEW I'd get this call!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Really? "Your son's been gored in the ass by a bull" call?

Ray Barone: Rodeo, what is that? Police talk for whorehouse?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Workout (#4.8)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Listen, it's none of my business but I think maybe this might be Debra's way of trying to compensate.
Robert Barone: How so, Ma?
Marie Barone: Well, if you can't cook in the kitchen.
Ray Barone: Okay, goodbye.
Robert Barone: You guys are *way* off. Here.
[He hands the brochure to Frank]
Ray Barone: What are you?...
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Robert Barone: That's Debra's aerobics instructor. She watches him flex all around and then she goes home all... inspired.
Ray Barone: Why do you do that? Why do you tell Mom and Dad things like that? Huh? My personal things? Why? Why, why? Why?
Robert Barone: Brings us closer.

Frank Barone: Sounds like Mr. Muscle here is saving you some prep work.
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Frank. And I have to say Raymond, I think that Debra is playing a very dangerous game.
Frank Barone: Oh, what are you talking about? Who cares where she gets her appetite as long as she has her meal at home?
Ray Barone: Okay, stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond.
Ray Barone: Stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond, you have to get Debra out of this class right now.
Frank Barone: Why? This guy is helping out. Maybe Ray doesn't have what it takes to get Debra's motor running.
Marie Barone: Raymond's got plenty!
Ray Barone: Thank you! Mom!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Left Back (#4.10)" (1999)
Sarah: Boys are just a little slower to develop than girls.
Debra Barone: But Geoffrey's developing on schedule.
Ray Barone: Oh boy, my father's gonna love that.
Debra Barone: What? Shut up.
Sarah: Excuse me?
Ray Barone: Nothing. My father thinks that Geoffrey has homosexual tendencies.

Ray Barone: Am I stupid?
Debra Barone: If this is your new way of asking for sex then yes.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Somebody Hates Raymond (#7.13)" (2003)
Jerry Musso: Look what do you want from me?
Ray Barone: So it's true? You *do* hate me?
Ray Barone: Well hey I mean it's no big deal. I just want to know why.
Jerry Musso: All right. You have to push it. Okay. Well there's just something about you. I've read your column, I've heard you speak, I look at you and I go, "I just don't get it". I guess you don't have to be smart to have a career in this business. Now if you know me you know I have pretty high standards and a very low threshhold for dumb. Now look I didn't want to say it. I was trying to be nice but you wouldn't let it go so why don't you go have a shrimp puff and leave me alone okay?
[Ray is hurt. Robert, who has been watching slowly walks up to Jerry]
Robert Barone: Hold it right there you little twerp.
Jerry Musso: Who are you?
Robert Barone: Who am I? I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder. That's who I am. Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away then you have in your entire body you oily, two-faced hack. You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you will never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend, or as a person.
[Robert takes the napkin he used to spit out food and places it in Jerry's front pocket]
Ray Barone: Come on Raymond.
[Ray and Robert walk away and Jerry goes up to Andy]
Jerry Musso: Hey, who let those guys in here?
Andy: I don't know but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!

[Robert has just helped Ray by using some well placed words to insult Jerry Musso]
Ray Barone: Hey you know thanks.
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah.
Ray Barone: That guy called me dumb.
Robert Barone: You're not dumb Raymond.
Ray Barone: I mean even if I am is that any reason to hate me?
Robert Barone: Of course not. There's so many better reasons.
Ray Barone: Yeah. Hey by the way that's not a pimple. That's an ingrown hair
Robert Barone: Well it's weird and it won't go away.
Ray Barone: I know.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sister (#4.6)" (1999)
Marie Barone: You smoke?
Jennifer Whelan: I used to smoke.
Debra Barone: Oh yeah everyone at her commune smoked. Sometimes those funny little cigarettes too.
Frank Barone: You were a pot smoking hippie?
Jennifer Whelan: It was just a place where people could live together and grow organic vegetables.
Debra Barone: Naked.
Marie Barone: You handled food naked?
Ray Barone: That's what makes it organic.

Ray Barone: I just lied half naked to a nun.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf (#2.5)" (1997)
Ray Barone: After golfing we were in the locker room and I got this weird feeling.
Debra Barone: Ray, you are not gay.

Ray Barone: Deb, where are you?
Debra Barone: I'm up here. In the bedroom.
Ray Barone: Where are the kids?
Debra Barone: They're at Linda's house.
Ray Barone: Good. Come down will you? I want to talk to you.
Debra Barone: I think you might want to come up.
Ray Barone: It's 3:00. It can't be sex. Come down, will ya?
Debra Barone: All right, but I'll have to put clothes on.
Ray Barone: Coming up.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: You Bet (#4.3)" (1999)
[first lines]
Debra Barone: Here's the ointment Frank.
Frank Barone: [begins unbuckling his belt]
Ray Barone: Hey dad, that's to go!

Ray Barone: [Ray has just gotten home] Hey powderpuff.
Ray Barone: [Ray sees he has just called Frank "powderpuff". Frank is standing at the fridge holding two apples. He stares at Ray] That's right I'm talking to you. What are you doing here?
Frank Barone: I have a rash
Ray Barone: By all means touch all our food

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Vision (#7.10)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Robert did you get botox?
Robert Barone: Terrats
Ray Barone: Turd hats?

[Robert has had his face injected with Botox making it difficult to talk. Ray makes fun of him and they are fighting]
Amy MacDougall: Robert, just calm down.
Ray Barone: No! I'm really tissed!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: She's the One (#7.9)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I had to go out the window.
Ray Barone: Did she try to stop you with her tongue?
Robert Barone: It's not funny, Raymond!
[Frank laughs, then makes a frog tongue sound effect]
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Laugh all you want, because I'm done.
Debra Barone: What do you mean, you're done?
Robert Barone: I'm done. I'm done dating. I'm done trying to meet someone. I'm done with humiliation. I can't anymore.
Frank Barone: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray Barone: She's not the one.
Robert Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Listen, listen. I Saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it.
Robert Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: What did you see, Ray?
Ray Barone: Angela ate the fly!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: The fly, that was flying around... Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in the napkin and the she ate it!
Debra Barone: What the hell are you doing, Ray?
Robert Barone: Yeah man, what is your problem?
Ray Barone: I'm telling you, I saw that woman eat a fly.
Debra Barone: Oh, she did not! You must've seen something else.
Ray Barone: What? What did I see?
Debra Barone: I don't know, maybe it was a crouton or something.
Ray Barone: A flying crouton?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Love You (#1.2)" (1996)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Dad, let me ask you somthin'. When was the last time you ever said "I love you" to... anyone?
Frank Barone: "I love you"?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah.
Frank Barone: What do you live in, a freckin' Fairy Land or something?

Debra Barone: I can't believe this.
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then go to the movies!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Roll! (#6.2)" (2001)
[Ray buys Deborah a sex game]
Marie Barone: Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?
Ray Barone: What?
Marie Barone: You know, the one with all the colored dots...
Ray Barone: Twister?
Marie Barone: Don't think I didn't know what you were doing in the basement.
Ray Barone: I played with Robert.

Debra Barone: [They are playing the game. It's Debra's turn. She reads off the board] Kiss your partner as if they are about to go off to war.
[She kisses him passionatly for about ten seconds and then stops. After a slight pause Ray pushes her down on the bed and climbs on top of her]
Debra Barone: Ray!
Ray Barone: Come on! I'm going off to war... I could be dead tomorrow!
Debra Barone: Would you just roll the dice!
Ray Barone: [He rolls and moves his piece] Tell your partner something they do not know.
Ray Barone: [He looks at Debra and then pushes her back onto the bed] I'm back from the war!
Debra Barone: Ray! Come on! Do you want to play or not! Take the question seriously!
Ray Barone: All right okay. This afternoon on my way home from getting the game I stopped and got a chili dog.
[He puckers up his lips expecting a kiss]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Mentor (#8.22)" (2004)
[first lines]
Frank Barone: Okay everybody, you're allowed in my home unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me.
Marie Barone: That's how you talk after church, Frank?
Frank Barone: Yeah, my prayers weren't answered.
Marie Barone: Next time, pray for hair.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you two a long time ago.

Sam: When I was a kid I used to work at the same company as your father. He was a real mentor to me.
Robert Barone: Mentor?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You sure you don't mean *tor*-mentor?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Six Feet Under (#2.22)" (1998)
Ray Barone: When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel.

Ray Barone: I'm six feet tall. People ask me how I am. I'm six feet tall. That's how I am.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Turkey or Fish (#1.10)" (1996)
Debra Barone: We got to find a way to get away from your parents.
Ray Barone: I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.
Debra Barone: Ray, I'm serious.
Ray Barone: So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg in Tucson, Arizona.

Debra Barone: We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted, we won everything.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Bad Moon Rising (#4.22)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Have you ever considered giving me a hug?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: A hug?
Debra Barone: Yes! A hug! Did you ever think of that, you big jerk?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone who's trying to kill you!
Debra Barone: How would you know? You've never even tried it!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well, look, *this* is not huggable! *This* is not Debra! This is the woman who shows up once a month to tear into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

Debra Barone: I'm crying cause I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.
Ray Barone: What's a dirfwad?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Invasion (#3.1)" (1998)
Ray Barone: [to Robert] Dude you are way too free with the body

Ray Barone: [Ray is climbing into bed with Robert after a fight with Debra] Man you think you could put on a shirt.
Ray Barone: And some underpants

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Diamonds (#1.16)" (1997)
Debra Barone: I have a confession to make to you. RIght after we got engaged, I had the original stone replaced.
[long pause]
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: I mean when you asked me to marry you I was so happy, believe me, but... I mean I know you got the best stone you could afford bless your heart but like my parents weren't that crazy about you to begin with and I didn't want to show them that stone.
Ray Barone: I understand.
Debra Barone: You know my grandmother Abby? She'd given me her ring years before so I put that stone in your setting.
Ray Barone: Do you remember how much that stone was worth? Just ballpark?
Debra Barone: Sweetie, it's not important.
Ray Barone: How important is it not?
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: How much was old Abby's stone worth?
Debra Barone: $15,000
[Ray slowly falls to the floor as though he had been kicked in the groin]
Debra Barone: I could just kill myself Ray.
Ray Barone: This could be a murder-suicide.

Ray Barone: [holding a flashlight and a stick of butter] Hey. Wanna play baker in the mineshaft?
Debra Barone: Okay. But I get to be the baker this time.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Moves Back (#3.25)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Hey Ray I switched pillows with you. I hope that's okay. Down gives me nightmares.
Ray Barone: About geese?
Robert Barone: They will come after you!

Amy MacDougall: Sorry. I've had a very rough couple of days here. I've waited my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now his entire building has a petition against me! And the second time I'm with my first, his mother walks in on us!
Amy MacDougall: [turns to Robert] And now you're ready to get married just to make her happy? What is this hold she has on you?
[Robert shakes his head vigorously]
Ray Barone: [to Debra] See? It's not just me.
Amy MacDougall: I can't even cry because if I dab my eyes my pants will fall down! So EXCUSE me Marie, for not being polite!
Amy MacDougall: [about to leave] And by the way, sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked!
[everyone is shocked]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Meatballs (#2.15)" (1998)
Debra Barone: All I'm saying is that given everything I do around here, why do I care so much that I can't make meatballs for my husband as good as his mother?
Ray Barone: Because you're a good wife.
Debra Barone: Don't you ever, ever call me that again.

Ray Barone: Let me ask you something. How do you make those meatballs?
Marie Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling but what do you put in it? Is there like a recipe or something?
Marie Barone: I stopped using a recipe years ago. I cook from here.
[Marie points at her heart]
Frank Barone: And you nag from here.
[Frank motions toward his mouth]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: What Good Are You? (#5.12)" (2001)
Ray Barone: Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?
Nemo: Change the special.
Ray Barone: Thanks.

Marie Barone: Remember that boy who was teasing you? And you walloped him?
Ray Barone: That's right. Robert's friend, Pete Gomez.
Frank Barone: How old was this bruiser? Ten?
Ray Barone: I was ten. He was twelve. And a half. Yeah. He called me "Big Nose Barone" and I told him to stop and he said "okay B.N.B.". I knew what that meant and so I hit him in the stomach and he drops like a sack of doorknobs. It wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch"
Marie Barone: And you don't have a big nose dear. It's perfect for your face.
Frank Barone: It's perfect for two faces.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lateness (#8.14)" (2004)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Let me tell you. My father had a system: AIS. Like whenever we'd go somewhere, he'd set a time and he'd be like: "We're leaving. 9:00, AIS!"
Debra Barone: AIS?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ass In Seat. Whoever's ass was not in their seat at the designated time, that ass was left behind.
Debra Barone: So during the fall did you have to set your ass back an hour?

Debra Barone: You used to think I was worth waiting for.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You were worth waiting for, but after 15 years you should BE here by now!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: All I Want for Christmas (#2.12)" (1997)
Ally Barone: Daddy, what's an appointment?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well honey, an appointment is when two people decide to meet.
Debra Barone: Like going to the dentist.
Ally Barone: Oh.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: So, sleeping with me is like going to the dentist?
Debra Barone: Well, we both say the same things. "Sit back, relax, you won't feel a thing".

Ray Barone: [to Robert, after he accidentally tore off the top of his Christmas tree] You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Good Girls (#2.19)" (1998)
[Robert has found out that his birthday is not when he was told it was]
Robert Barone: I guess I should know. When *is* my birthday?
Marie Barone: April 6th.
Robert Barone: Well that's today.
Ray Barone: [after a slight pause] Surprise!

Robert Barone: Well congratulations Raymond. You were concieved legitimately. You win again
Ray Barone: It's not a competition Robert.
[Ray smiles gleefully]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Home (#9.1)" (2004)
Ray Barone: What's with you?
Debra Barone: I just haven't been over here since they packed. Weird, isn't it?
Ray Barone: Yeah. Closing day at the mental institution.
Robert Barone: Yep. Final clearance - all crazies must go.
Debra Barone: Come on. Come on.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: It's just not that it's actually happening, I feel...
Ray Barone: ...like ruining everything?

Marie Barone: Well, I guess that's everything.
Debra Barone: Marie, I want to say something.
Ray Barone: Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.
Robert Barone: Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?
Frank Barone: Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.
Debra Barone: [shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.
Ray Barone: Ow!
Debra Barone: Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.
Marie Barone: Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.
Debra Barone: Have a great trip

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Thank You Notes (#8.2)" (2003)
Debra Barone: You married into the Manson Family. And Charlie goes off sometimes!
Amy MacDougall: I didn't mean to argue. It's thank-you notes. It's so stupid.
Debra Barone: Hey hey hey hey hey. Look at me. You were great. Do you hear me? You can't let her get away with anything.
Amy MacDougall: But she's so upset. I don't want a bad relationship with her. I should go apologize.
Debra Barone: No no no no no. Hey, listen, that is exactly what she is waiting for. For you to go over there and say you'll write those thank-you notes. You have got to be strong. She is testing you. Trust me, what she just pulled here, that's her big weapon - the guilt bomb. And it doesn't help that all the men in her family are scared to death of her. Whenever she comes up against somebody with a backbone who might actually confront her, she's completely threatened and she gets her claws out. And so she has been allowed to rule this way, unopposed, for decades. Listen Amy, I have been waiting for you. This is a critical time. Even though this is a tough regime to topple, with you in the family, now we have a shot. You and me together, to end all the suffering. Do you hear me? We can do it!
Debra Barone: [to Ray] What is so funny?
Ray Barone: You're so nuts. You still, after 15 years, haven't figured anything out about this woman?
[sitting down]
Ray Barone: Amy, here's how I see all this stuff. Mom loves the family. She really does. And she thinks it's her job to hold it all together. Does she overreact occasionally? Okay. So she wants you to write a few thank-you notes. She's an old lady. What else does she have? Besides, before even giving up a drop of power, she will truly kill us all.

Ray Barone: [desperately] They're planning a big throw-down, Iaying out the new order, and everybody's equal. Love all around, peace and harmony.
Frank Barone: Those stupid broads. You can't overthrow Marie. Besides, anytime you cut the head off something, the body still runs around by itself, all crazed-like.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School (#2.21)" (1998)
[Robert's doing mock traffic class with Ray, Debra, Marie, and Frank]
Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with... Raymond.
Ray Barone: ...I killed my brother.
Robert Barone: Traffic offense.
Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?

Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway?
Marie Barone: Well you fasten your seatbelt.
Robert Barone: Okay?
Marie Barone: You check your mirrors.
Robert Barone: Correct.
Marie Barone: You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you.
Robert Barone: Anything else?
Marie Barone: No I think that's it.
Robert Barone: Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it
Robert Barone: [he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy?
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico!
Ray Barone: I don't know. That's awfully specific.
Marie Barone: Robbie that was thirty years ago.
Robert Barone: [as himself] I don't have a problem with it.
Debra Barone: Uh-oh.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Captain Nemo (#1.11)" (1996)
Ray Barone: You're the missing link.
Robert Barone: I've heard that before.

Marie Barone: Why has your brother been sitting over there for two days all moping and depressed?
Ray Barone: Because he's Robert.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Dancing with Debra (#3.24)" (1999)
Ray Barone: Uh, you're lookin' pretty spiffy there, You got a hot date?
Robert Barone: Uh, nah. I was over at the Holiday Inn. They have swing dancin' on Thursdays.
Debra Barone: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Robert Barone: Oh, it could have been, but before you dance, you gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman. Before you do that, you gotta stop throwing up in the men's room.
Ray Barone: What are you so nervous about? You've been datin'.
Robert Barone: Yeah, but that's datin'. This is... dancin'.
Ray Barone: So?
Debra Barone: Oh, yeah. I know what he means. Dancing is different. You're very vulnerable.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's a big risk asking someone if you can hold onto them for ten minutes.
Ray Barone: All I want is five, and I get, "Get off me, I'm sleepin'."
Debra Barone: Idiot.

Ray Barone: I'm sure you complained about me the whole night, right? "Oh, Ray never takes me dancing. Ray doesn't hang up his clothes. Ray can't say the word 'cinnamum'"

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet Cemetery (#5.5)" (2000)
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Come on, Dad. Again, with the metal-detector? What are you doing?
Frank Barone: Your mother's birthday's coming up.
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, there's nothing here but rocks and dirt.
Marie Barone: That's better than what he got me last year.

Frank Barone: Bad animals go to hell, kid. Believe you me, I know. When I was your age, there was this mean old German Shepherd named Ilsa. I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory. In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory. Well, that's all it took for Fraeulein Ilsa, the Nazi she-wolf, to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide. I still have the scar. You want to see it? I'll show you...
[Frank stands up and begins to unbuckle his trousers. Raymond, Debra, and Marie protest]
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down!
Frank Barone: Oh, all right! The point is, Fraeulein Ilsa is probably in hell right now, dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Thank you for that heart-warming story.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Working Late Again (#2.7)" (1997)
Debra Barone: You know, your mother was right!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Oh, that's crazy talk.

Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pilot (#1.1)" (1996)
Ray Barone: I'm begging you to stop smelling their heads. I'll give you money. Do you want some money?
Frank Barone: Hey, save your money. You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore!

Marie Barone: You know, when somebody does you a favor you're supposed to say thank you.
Ray Barone: Thank you. Thank you Mom and Dad. You're wonderful grandparents! You're not evil at all!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wedding: Part 1 (#2.24)" (1998)
[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wallpaper (#5.3)" (2000)
[first lines]
Debra Barone: Don't you miss Italy, Ray? Look I took that right from Aunt Colleta's ballcony.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Wow, look at that lake. Next time we go let's swim naked.
Debra Barone: You know there's fish in there.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Okay, then just you.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra Makes Something Good (#4.18)" (2000)
Ray Barone: You know Chuck Wilson? You know what he told me? He said his wife is so cold, when he gets into bed with her, he has to shoo away the penguins.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Working Girl (#3.22)" (1999)
Ray Barone: [to Debra] Cat Ballou.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener (#4.2)" (1999)
Robert Barone: If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.
Frank Barone: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie Barone: How could you mention that.
Frank Barone: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing
Marie Barone: I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.
Debra Barone: Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?
Robert Barone: [Robert and Ray both groan]
Marie Barone: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
Marie Barone: [looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings
[looks at Frank again]
Marie Barone: to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank Barone: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.
Marie Barone: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank Barone: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie Barone: YOU'RE SELFISH!
Frank Barone: FAT COLLECTOR!
Marie Barone: Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!
Debra Barone: That's right!
Marie Barone: Debra understands
Frank Barone: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
Ray Barone: [He swings a fist in the air happily]
Frank Barone: That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Frank Barone: Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Annoying Kid (#7.8)" (2002)
[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]
Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!
Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.
Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?
Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.
Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?
Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Visit (#3.5)" (1998)
Debra Barone: [to Lois] I want you to help or at least *want* to help. I want to be more like... like her!
[Debra points at Marie who is shocked but extremely moved]
Robert Barone: Like who?
Ray Barone: Like Mom.
Robert Barone: [disgusted] Why?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's on TV (#2.1)" (1997)
Ray Barone: What about my Steinbrenner joke?
Marie Barone: That wasn't funny. It's not nice to make fun of people.
Ray Barone: Well what about this?
Robert Barone: Well *this* is funny.

"The King of Queens: Raygin' Bulls (#8.10)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: Let's shake things up a bit.
Ray Barone: You wanna get a pizza?
Doug Heffernan: No!
Doug Heffernan: Well, yes, I do. But that's not the point!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cruising with Marie (#3.17)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I'll tell you this. If Dad's the first to go, Ma's gonna do just fine.
Robert Barone: Yeah. And if Ma's the first to go, God help us all!!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Skit (#6.17)" (2002)
Marie Barone: Hello dear.
Debra Barone: What you doing there?
Marie Barone: Oh, this? This is called polishing silver.
Debra Barone: No, I-I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.
Marie Barone: Oh, please, stop hinting Debra. The silver is going to Robbie. It's already in the will.
Ray Barone: What's this? For Lee and Stan's anniversary party?
Marie Barone: Yeah, their forty-fifth. They are our dearest friends but I have to tell you. I never thought they'd last *this* long.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: A Date for Peter (#9.9)" (2005)
Ray Barone: I know what you're going through. I understand. I could never get a girl either.
Peter MacDougall: Oh, please. We both know that's crazy, you good-looking son of a bitch.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Tenth Anniversary (#4.16)" (2000)
Marie Barone: What could you have taped over it that was so important?
Robert Barone: Football.
Marie Barone: Sports? *Sports?*
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Ma, it was the Super Bowl.
Marie Barone: It doesn't matter if it was the Super Duper Bowl, it's still sports!!!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Divorce (#4.24)" (2000)
Robert Barone: [after Joanne called Marie a bitch and Ray jumped in between them to hold Marie back] What am I going to do now?
Ray Barone: [Rubbing his shoulder in pain] I tell you what you don't do. You don't call Mom a bitch

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Counseling (#7.2)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Last week, Ray came home, late, from golfing. I guess golfing is kind of a "Hot Button" issue with me, and we had a fight.
Pamela: Ray, do you remember this?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I do, I shot a 94.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Bully on the Bus (#4.13)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Layman, Gayman go away man!
Ray Barone: BULLY! BULLY!
Debra Barone: Oh, relax.
Ray Barone: Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife why am I stuck with you for life!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Mozart (#2.4)" (1997)
Marie Barone: F-A-C-E, "FACE", are the ones in the spaces. And E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through them. You know that.
Ray Barone: Right...
Marie Barone: What's E-G-B-D-F?
Ray Barone: Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Raymond.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Prodigal Son (#4.14)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
[Ally hands Ray a drawing]
Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
Ally Barone: No.
Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fun with Debra (#8.1)" (2003)
Debra Barone: Where are you going?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I told you, I wanted to go golfing.
Debra Barone: Yeah, and I said "Too bad".
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I thought that meant for you.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Canister (#5.19)" (2001)
[after finding a canister Debra told Marie she didn't have]
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: I know how we can fix this. You just return the canister with your heart in it.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fascinatin' Debra (#1.21)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Dr. Nora thought I was boring.
Ray Barone: You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel' and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Super Bowl (#5.13)" (2001)
Ray Barone: Dad, put the fork down.
Frank Barone: I'll put the fork down when there's a ticket on it!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Misery Loves Company (#8.4)" (2003)
Ray Barone: You're an idiot wrapped in a moron!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Recovering Pessimist (#1.18)" (1997)
Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fighting In-Laws (#5.9)" (2000)
Robert Barone: So you're stuck with Debra's parents for the whole weekend, huh?
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Well, we hardly ever get to see them so when they come up we want to spend as much time as possible with them... I've been told that's how I feel.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Raybert (#6.10)" (2001)
Ray Barone: You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.
Ray Barone: No, it's Raybert.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Lone Barone (#3.9)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult (#7.1)" (2002)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: No, I'm not going to one of those things. What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?
Frank Barone: You just described my wedding.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Needs Money (#7.6)" (2002)
Ray Barone: We did something for Robert.
Marie Barone: What did you do?
Ray Barone: He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
Marie Barone: You mean with money?
Ray Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: How much?
Ray Barone: A thousand dollars.
[Marie gasps]
Frank Barone: What are you two, idiots?
Debra Barone: No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.
Marie Barone: Why didn't he come to us if he needed money?
Frank Barone: Because we'd say no.
Marie Barone: I'm his mother. I'm the one he should have come to if he needed money. Raymond, I want to buy out that loan.
Frank Barone: No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Debra Barone: It wasn't a loan. It was a gift.
Frank Barone: I stand corrected.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meant to Be (#5.4)" (2000)
Robert Barone: Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Ray Barone: You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: It's Supposed to Be Fun (#6.8)" (2001)
Ray Barone: I've accepted the fact that I have one son who's good at basketball and another son who's only good at running around in a circle and pretending he's Scooby Doo.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ally's Birth (#5.25)" (2001)
Robert Barone: [Debra's pregnant] Um, Debra, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.
Debra Barone: What? What's that supposed to mean?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah what are you supposed to mean? You're seeing EVERYTHING! What else are you supposed to see?
Robert Barone: A HEAD!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Home from School (#8.3)" (2003)
Ray Barone: You're an idiot wrapped in a moron.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ping Pong (#3.13)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You let me win?
Frank Barone: Good morning, Sunshine!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Letter (#2.11)" (1997)
Ray Barone: [He enters the house and sees Helen setting up for the party] Am I in the right house? Cause I have these dreams sometimes.
Helen: I'm Helen from tupperware
Ray Barone: Yep. That's one of 'em

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meeting the Parents (#7.17)" (2003)
Peter MacDougall: I thought you were my friend.
Ray Barone: Friends can disagree.
Peter MacDougall: No they can't!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ingrate (#8.17)" (2004)
Ray Barone: [recognizing each family member in turn] And you sweet mother. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: T-Ball (#2.20)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Will you shut up about the snack? All right. Just shut up about the stupid, freaking snack! Here! You want the snack. Here.Take it.Take all of it. Here.Are these healthy enough for you? Plantains! You couldn't just put bananas on the list, huh? I ate two of these before I found out you got to cook them! -I'm sorry. What? You don't want to share T-ball with me? I don't want to share T-ball with you, Bryan. By the way, your kid's costing us the game out there, okay? Yeah, that's right. I'm keeping scooooooore. Bad! I'm keeping score, and we're losing because your kid's out there eating grasshoppers. Okay? I don't think that's an approved snack!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Someone's Cranky (#4.21)" (2000)
Ray Barone: I can't believe you're still living with them. If it was me I'd be cleaning off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 9-1-1 call.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Sick (#1.13)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Well Ray, Your mom's here.
Ray Barone: I thought she could come by and she could help you with the kids while I'm at my big meeting. Isn't that a good idea?
Debra Barone: I have an idea. How about I bite your nose really hard?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf for It (#8.23)" (2004)
Ray Barone: [to Marie] Nothing is ever good enough and it's *always* our fault!
Frank Barone: You can't speak to your mother that way!
Ray Barone: You do!
Frank Barone: She's not my mother!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boob Job (#4.1)" (1999)
Marie Barone: So how was your party, dear?
Ray Barone: Well, it started out slow, but then it turned out to be best night of my life.
Debra Barone: Oh. Come on.
Ray Barone: Tell 'em what you saw.
Debra Barone: Nothing.
Ray Barone: [yells] Tell 'em!
Debra Barone: One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Marie Barone: Oh, I don't like that.
Debra Barone: And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
Frank Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Frank Barone: Wait a minute.
Robert Barone: She just showed you?
Frank Barone: Both of 'em?
Robert Barone: Shirt on or off?
Frank Barone: With the brassiere?
Robert Barone: What were *you* wearing?
Ray Barone: All valid questions.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cookies (#6.15)" (2002)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: They bought cookies from your friend, Peggy Hitler!
Robert Barone: You have a friend named Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not my friend.
Robert Barone: But her last name is Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not a Hitler.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: She invaded our territory!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Why Are We Here? (#1.22)" (1997)
Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lucky Suit (#6.16)" (2002)
Marie Barone: [the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?
Robert Barone: Come here. Let me tell you about it.
Marie Barone: Didn't it go well?
Robert Barone: Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: I never said crazy.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ma, what did you do?
Robert Barone: She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.
Marie Barone: I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wedding: Part 2 (#2.25)" (1998)
Robert Barone: I see a lot of bad things
Ray Barone: Being a cop and all?
Robert Barone: Mom and Dad

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet the Bunny (#7.4)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I had to pet that bunny. Every night!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Every night?
Frank Barone: Every night! That damn bunny need some attention. You guys never did anything. "Buy us a bunny, Daddy. We'll take care of it." I was lied to!!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: I was eight!
Frank Barone: And already a liar!