Frank Barone
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Quotes for
Frank Barone (Character)
from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996)

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"Everybody Loves Raymond: Driving Frank (#3.2)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: How did you get the keys back from mom?
Frank Barone: That was not pleasant. But I found the remote.

Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

Robert Barone: If you didn't hit my car then how did all the black and white paint get on yours?
Frank Barone: I hit a penguin!

Frank Barone: [to Robert about traffic incident] What ever I do, I'm your father, you should look the other way!
Frank Barone: [to Ray] Right?
Ray Barone: Dad, what *ever* you do, I look the other way.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Letter (#2.11)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Um did you guys get the...
Robert Barone: Mail? Oh yeah.
Debra Barone: Ray did everybody read that?
Frank Barone: You're my favorite writer!

Debra Barone: Marie I think you misunderstood the purpose of that letter.
Marie Barone: I think I understood it very well. According to you I'm intrusive, critical
Frank Barone: Overbearing

[Frank is gleefully reading Debra's letter to Marie]
Frank Barone: Is this a petition? Where do I sign?

Frank Barone: It's a whole bag of nighties...
Debra Barone: No, Frank that's... It's for a game.
Frank Barone: I'm in!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball (#1.12)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
Ray Barone: There are now. Come on, Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.
Debra Barone: Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!
Ray Barone: Oh, God.
Ally Barone: Santa?
Robert Barone: Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho!
[He turns towards Ray]
Robert Barone: Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ray Barone: Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.
Robert Barone: I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
[Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]
Frank Barone: Where's Ally? Ho, ho.
[He sees Robert]
Frank Barone: Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert Barone: I'm Santa Clause.
Frank Barone: You're Santa?
Ray Barone: Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.
Frank Barone: What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?
Debra Barone: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.
Frank Barone: Right! He's my helper.
[to Robert]
Frank Barone: Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert Barone: [Robert and Frank are both dressed as Santa and are trying to convince Ally that the other one is an imposter] I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank Barone: Oh! Uh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen. Uh, those are the main ones. We rotate 'em so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid. Ajax. And Lefty!
Robert Barone: Aha! Now we know the truth! Ho, ho, ho!
[Ally pulls down his beard]
Ally Barone: It's Uncle Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no, little one. I have only assumed the body of a life-form that... you would accept.
Ray Barone: Robert, you're Santa. Not a Klingon.

Ray Barone: Here, Ma. Debra says thanks for the clothes.
Frank Barone: What clothes?
Marie Barone: Oh, it's your junk. Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
Frank Barone: Moth-eaten? Marie, I love that sweater. And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in *my* clothes.
Marie Barone: Welcome to my world, Frank.

Ray Barone: We were cleaning things out this morning and look what I found. Remember this?
[He hands Frank the Mickey Mantle ball]
Frank Barone: Hey, look at that! God, I remember when I brought this home for you. What were you, like, ten? You ran all around the neighborhood showing it to the other kids, right?
Ray Barone: Yeah. So Mickey Mantle really signed it.
Frank Barone: Who told you that?
Ray Barone: You. You did!
Frank Barone: Oh.
Ray Barone: Wel- wha- what, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? This isn't real?
Frank Barone: It's a real *ball*.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Getting Even (#3.4)" (1998)
Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?
Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.
Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

Marie Barone: Frank, you're bidding on the pedicure? Why are you signing up for all these things?
Frank Barone: Leave me alone, I'm just trying to drive the prices up.
Marie Barone: Just trying to be a big shot. Why don't you pick one little thing that you really like...
Frank Barone: Hey, hey, *silent* auction.

Frank Barone: Debra, what kind of con game are you running?
Marie Barone: It's your own fault, Frank. Who told you to sign up for all those things?
Frank Barone: I didn't expect to win this crap.
Debra Barone: It's not crap, Frank.
Frank Barone: Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe. That is *floating* crap.
Marie Barone: Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.
Frank Barone: Guess you didn't see "Deliverance"

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Goes Downstairs (#6.6)" (2001)
Frank Barone: [fixing the stairs] Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[the stairwell collapses]
Frank Barone: AAH!
Marie Barone: Oh my God! Frank! Are you all right?
Frank Barone: ...Holy crap!
Marie Barone: Don't move! I'm coming right down!
Frank Barone: I'm in enough pain!

Marie Barone: I told him not to work on those stairs. I KNEW something like this would happen! I can't bare to see him hurt.
[to Frank]
Marie Barone: Why are you such a stubborn Jackass?
Frank Barone: Doctor, could I have THIS removed?
[points to Marie]
Marie Barone: Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a "Personality Transplant"?

Debra Barone: So, how's the rib, Frank?
Frank Barone: Okay, but I still can't burp the way I used to.
Ray Barone: Just stick to your rehab, dad.
Frank Barone: Boy am I glad to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
Marie Barone: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico to try and get some for the house.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Blabbermouths (#8.20)" (2004)
Robert Barone: It is always the nature of the female to gather with other females...
Frank Barone: ...And screech like a tree full of Chinese monkeys.

Marie Barone: You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie Barone: I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.
Debra Barone: Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray Barone: What?
Frank Barone: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.
Marie Barone: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!
Debra Barone: Marie! Who told you that?
Amy Barone: Marie, I told you that in confidence.
Debra Barone: Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?
Ray Barone: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?
Robert Barone: My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?
[Debra belches loudly]

Linda Gruenfelder: I am such a sucker for that little boy thing in men. It's so endearing.
Frank Barone: [comes in looking rather pathetic] Where's Marie? I lost my shoe.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: What's with Robert? (#4.12)" (2000)
Ray Barone: When you talk like that people could get offended.
Frank Barone: What in the hell you talking about?
Ray Barone: When you say Nancy. What are you implying exactly?
Frank Barone: That your name should be Nancy.
Ray Barone: And that's your word for gay?
Frank Barone: Very well.
Ray Barone: So you mean that as an insult.
Frank Barone: Yes I believe I do.
Ray Barone: I'm just saying that's not very nice.
Frank Barone: That's why it's a good insult.

Marie Barone: Robert's not gay. He's a policeman.
Frank Barone: One of those village people was a policeman.

Marie Barone: You of all people should understand Frank. What about that man in Korea?
Frank Barone: I told you never to mention that!
Ray Barone: What? What happened in Korea?
Frank Barone: Nothing happened! We were in a foxhole! it was cold and snowing! We huddled! You gotta survive don't you? It lasted half a second!
Marie Barone: You see dear? Your father understands.
Frank Barone: Our coats were insufficent. It was huddle or die!
Marie Barone: Oh shut up Frank. We're talking about Robert. And we're telling him that we respect his choice.
Robert Barone: It's not my choice!
Marie Barone: I know dear. Frieda says it's something you're born with.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Be Nice (#3.23)" (1999)
Frank Barone: Nice? I tried it once. Didn't care for it.
Marie Barone: Did the same thing happen with SMART?

Frank Barone: You're playing with fire here. You got to let steam off on each other. Because if you let off on a stranger, he gets mad. He punches you. You punch him. He pulls a knife. You pull a gun. Guys jump in. Wars start. It's a mess! The spouse is the perfect escape valve.
Marie Barone: He read that at our wedding.

Frank Barone: [Frank pushes a large box of books into Ray's arms] You want books? They're all yours!
Robert Barone: Nothing Dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Workout (#4.8)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Listen, it's none of my business but I think maybe this might be Debra's way of trying to compensate.
Robert Barone: How so, Ma?
Marie Barone: Well, if you can't cook in the kitchen.
Ray Barone: Okay, goodbye.
Robert Barone: You guys are *way* off. Here.
[He hands the brochure to Frank]
Ray Barone: What are you?...
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Robert Barone: That's Debra's aerobics instructor. She watches him flex all around and then she goes home all... inspired.
Ray Barone: Why do you do that? Why do you tell Mom and Dad things like that? Huh? My personal things? Why? Why, why? Why?
Robert Barone: Brings us closer.

Frank Barone: Sounds like Mr. Muscle here is saving you some prep work.
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Frank. And I have to say Raymond, I think that Debra is playing a very dangerous game.
Frank Barone: Oh, what are you talking about? Who cares where she gets her appetite as long as she has her meal at home?
Ray Barone: Okay, stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond.
Ray Barone: Stop!
Marie Barone: Raymond, you have to get Debra out of this class right now.
Frank Barone: Why? This guy is helping out. Maybe Ray doesn't have what it takes to get Debra's motor running.
Marie Barone: Raymond's got plenty!
Ray Barone: Thank you! Mom!

Frank Barone: [Looking at the Aerobics pamphlet] Hey, this is a good-looking guy.
[Robert stares at him, uncomfortable]
Frank Barone: What? He's like a gladiator! Come on, Robert, you can't say this isn't a handsome man.
Robert Barone: Ma, please I really need my pants.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Homework (#7.3)" (2002)
Ray Barone: [after Frank stabs Ray with fork] Ow!... What did you do that for?
Frank Barone: I like pie!

Ray Barone: All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at.
[Marie reacts]
Marie Barone: [long pause] "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?
Ray Barone: Yeah, that's right.
Marie Barone: You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?
Ray Barone: What? What are you talkin' about?
Marie Barone: You do not end a sentence with "at."
Ray Barone: Big deal, so I ended it with a proposition.
Marie Barone: Preposition, it's a prep- Oh my God!
Ray Barone: What? What are you getting so upset about?
Marie Barone: Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!
Frank Barone: Where the cookies at?

Marie Barone: [as Marie reads the following Ray chases Frank around the kitchen trying to steal from the last piece of pie] Based on the readings of Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer", which of the following would you recommend for fifth grade homework and why? A, a book report including cover art and illustrations. B, an oral report using period music and costumes. C, a craft project based on the pre-industrial Mississippi land. D, a fictional diary on one of the characters. Raymond!
[Frank pokes Ray in the chest]
Ray Barone: Ow! What's wrong with you?
Frank Barone: I like pie.
Marie Barone: Raymond, pay attention. I'm gonna read you this again.
Ray Barone: No, not again. I heard it already. How about we don't make the kids read "Tom Sawyer"?
Marie Barone: What? It's an American classic.
Ray Barone: All right, then I say A.
Marie Barone: Good. Why?
Ray Barone: B.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: You Bet (#4.3)" (1999)
[first lines]
Debra Barone: Here's the ointment Frank.
Frank Barone: [begins unbuckling his belt]
Ray Barone: Hey dad, that's to go!

Frank Barone: God made man to sew his seed where he may. He made woman to limit the crop to one farmer.

Ray Barone: [Ray has just gotten home] Hey powderpuff.
Ray Barone: [Ray sees he has just called Frank "powderpuff". Frank is standing at the fridge holding two apples. He stares at Ray] That's right I'm talking to you. What are you doing here?
Frank Barone: I have a rash
Ray Barone: By all means touch all our food

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Canister (#5.19)" (2001)
Marie Barone: My canister! Where'd you get that?
Frank Barone: I was... uh... was hiding it for you! Thought it would be funny.
Marie Barone: You what?
Frank Barone: Yeah, I was using it to store my nuts and bolts in. Then when I heard you bragging about it, I, uh, hid it in the attic. Pretty funny, huh?
Marie Barone: Frank, I love that canister!! I've been running around, tearing my hair out, like a crazy woman looking for that!!!
Frank Barone: All *funny*.

Frank Barone: Hey! Is that Marie's canister?
Debra Barone: No!
[walks away]
Frank Barone: [follows Debra] Wait a minute! Let me see that! You DID have that canister!
Frank Barone: She's been going on and on about that thing like it's King Tut's golden undies.
Debra Barone: Please... Frank... d-don't say anything. If she finds out I had this thing...
Frank Barone: [chuckling] You're in big trouble lady.
Debra Barone: Listen, I-I'm begging you Frank. What do I do?
Frank Barone: [smiling] Give your heart to God cause your ass is Marie's

Marie Barone: Oh really Frank? Well here's what's not funny. THIS MARRIAGE!
Debra Barone: Marie, I...
Frank Barone: [interrupts Debra] Let her go.
Marie Barone: This is so typical of you and your *so called* sense of humor. You have NO respect for me whatsoever, and you never have! Well I promise you something, Frank. You will NOT be looking back on this little stunt as funny. I hope you're happy with yourself. You have RUINED EASTER!
[grabs canister out of Frank's hands and storms off into the kitchen]
Debra Barone: Frank, I don't know what to say. Why did you do that?
Frank Barone: I don' know, I didn't want that to happen to you. You're like my daughter.
Debra Barone: Oh,
Debra Barone: thank you.
Frank Barone: And she was gonna yell at me like that later anyway. I ate the back side of that ham.
Marie Barone: [in the kitchen and has noticed the back side of the ham] FRANK!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sex Talk (#4.4)" (1999)
Marie Barone: What we do in our bedroom is our own business, and I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
Frank Barone: We can move from Lynbrook.

Frank Barone: I don't care. If it's out in the open it's out in the open. Twice a week!
Marie Barone: What are you doing? Don't lie like that Frank.
Frank Barone: Who's lying? Come on Marie, I got a reputation. Word of mouth is everything in this business!

Frank Barone: If you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo you did not get that from me.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Liars (#8.7)" (2003)
Marie Barone: You're eating candy? Where did you get these?
Frank Barone: They were sticking out of Ray's pants here.
Marie Barone: This is your pants that you wore last night. Mike & lkes? That's a very big box - the kind you get at the movies, but Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.
Debra Barone: Right. We got those at the hotel.
Ray Barone: Yeah, out of the minibar.
Marie Barone: What is the name of the hotel? Wait wait wait. Why don't you whisper the name to me? And then we'll see what Debra says - if it's something else. Come over here. Go ahead.
Ray Barone: [whispers very loudly] Ramada

Marie Barone: There was no hotel which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
Ray Barone: There was... no, nothing.
Marie Barone: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
Ray Barone: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
Frank Barone: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!

Marie Barone: The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
Robert Barone: This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
Marie Barone: Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.
Debra Barone: Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?
Ray Barone: [flabbergasted] How did you do that?
Marie Barone: I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?
Frank Barone: Anyone?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Thought That Counts (#7.11)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I killed a bird once.

Frank Barone: Well, Raymond. Nice going. You ruined that old crow's birthday.

Marie Barone: Frank, why can't you put more thought into what you got me?
Frank Barone: Slippers are very thoughtful. Every day I see your feet when you get out of bed. So I thought and I thought and I thought. What can I get to cover up those things?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Finale (#9.16)" (2005)
Debra Barone: Now listen. What happened in there, Nobody... tells... Ray
Frank Barone: Or his mother
Debra Barone, Robert Barone, Amy MacDougall: [Nods in agreement]

Frank Barone: Listen while you're in there have the doctor look at your unenjoyable testicle.
Ray Barone: It's undescended Dad.
Frank Barone: Yes, and do you enjoy it that way? What's the big deal? He'll be down there anyway.
Robert Barone: Do you even know where the adenoids are Dad?
Frank Barone: Sure, around back with the other "oids"

Ray Barone: For thirty seconds you all thought I might be dead.
[He pauses and looks around at the family who remains silent]
Ray Barone: What'd everybody do?
Debra Barone: You weren't dead! It was thirty seconds!
Ray Barone: Well thirty seconds is a long time. What went through your mind. Thirty seconds okay go. I have to plan a funeral. I have to raise three kids myself. On the other hand I can start dating again. I'm gonna need new shoes. You know who's cute? Gianni.
Marie Barone: Debra!
Frank Barone: Enough! I was there! I saw your wife fall apart! I never saw her look that way and I tell ya I never want to see her look that way again!
Ray Barone: Is that true?
Debra Barone: A little

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine? (#1.7)" (1996)
Ray Barone: What, is your TV broken?
Frank Barone: Of course not. Look, see, I taped down the scan button. Now when I'm flipping channels, I don't have to move.
Ray Barone: That's good. Why don't you tape your eyelids up, and then you'll never miss anything?
Frank Barone: [gives Ray an incredulous look] That's silly.

Frank Barone: I was someplace today I haven't been in thirty years. Guess where I went?
Ray Barone: The barber.
Frank Barone: Close. I went to the supermarket.

Frank Barone: I can be sweet. It takes people time to discover that.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boob Job (#4.1)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Frank Barone: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!

Marie Barone: [the group is talking about breasts] See I expect this kind of thing from Frank, but you boys have no reason to have any interest in such things.
Frank Barone: Why not?
Marie Barone: Because I never nursed them.
Frank Barone: What the hell are you talking about?
Marie Barone: Everybody knows that if you breastfeed boys when they're babies they're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.
Robert Barone: That's why you didn't breastfeed me?
Frank Barone: That, and the two of you were almost the same height. We were gettin' looks.

Marie Barone: So how was your party, dear?
Ray Barone: Well, it started out slow, but then it turned out to be best night of my life.
Debra Barone: Oh. Come on.
Ray Barone: Tell 'em what you saw.
Debra Barone: Nothing.
Ray Barone: [yells] Tell 'em!
Debra Barone: One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Marie Barone: Oh, I don't like that.
Debra Barone: And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
Frank Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Frank Barone: Wait a minute.
Robert Barone: She just showed you?
Frank Barone: Both of 'em?
Robert Barone: Shirt on or off?
Frank Barone: With the brassiere?
Robert Barone: What were *you* wearing?
Ray Barone: All valid questions.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Toaster (#3.12)" (1998)
Marie Barone: I have my own opinions. I'm not just some trophy wife.
Frank Barone: Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

Ray Barone: That wasn't just a toaster, Ma. It said, "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."
Frank Barone: It spoke?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet Cemetery (#5.5)" (2000)
Frank Barone: People heaven is for people. Your grandma's been hitting the sauce.

Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Come on, Dad. Again, with the metal-detector? What are you doing?
Frank Barone: Your mother's birthday's coming up.
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, there's nothing here but rocks and dirt.
Marie Barone: That's better than what he got me last year.

Frank Barone: Bad animals go to hell, kid. Believe you me, I know. When I was your age, there was this mean old German Shepherd named Ilsa. I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory. In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory. Well, that's all it took for Fraeulein Ilsa, the Nazi she-wolf, to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide. I still have the scar. You want to see it? I'll show you...
[Frank stands up and begins to unbuckle his trousers. Raymond, Debra, and Marie protest]
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down!
Frank Barone: Oh, all right! The point is, Fraeulein Ilsa is probably in hell right now, dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Thank you for that heart-warming story.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Model (#8.21)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Oh Robby, that's wonderful! As a boy, you were always a Looker.
Frank Barone: I always thought he was more of a "Look at that!".

Amy MacDougall Barone: They say he could make a hundred thousand a year!
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
[to Robert]
Frank Barone: Shut up, paint your face, and start swingin' it down town!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boys' Therapy (#9.6)" (2004)
Ray Barone: So, what excuse did you give Dr. Greenburg this week?
Robert Barone: Oh, I didn't even talk to him this week. I told him I was going to be working undercover for a while and when I came back I'd have plenty of issues.
Frank Barone: What kind of issues?
Robert Barone: I told him I had to dress as a woman and I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.
Ray Barone: Oh yeah! Oh that's perfect.
Robert Barone: I know!
Frank Barone: If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.
Ray Barone: I know!

Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like what we were talking about the other day. I'm kind of a lousy father because of him, so I just back it up, one more, to Grandpa Joe.
Frank Barone: Yeah, and his dad was the worst. My grandpa, Sal.
Robert Barone: Oh yeah?
Frank Barone: Oh yeah. Grandpa Sal, very scary. He once made Mussolini wet himself.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Father Knows Least (#2.2)" (1997)
Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled "Pieces of String Too Small to Use."
Marie Barone: I should tie them together into a noose for you.
Frank Barone: I know which beam I can use.
Marie Barone: I'll get you a step-ladder.

[Ray is taking parenting classes]
Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.
Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.
Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".
Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener (#4.2)" (1999)
Robert Barone: If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.
Frank Barone: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie Barone: How could you mention that.
Frank Barone: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing
Marie Barone: I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.
Debra Barone: Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?
Robert Barone: [Robert and Ray both groan]
Marie Barone: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
Marie Barone: [looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings
[looks at Frank again]
Marie Barone: to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank Barone: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.
Marie Barone: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank Barone: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie Barone: YOU'RE SELFISH!
Frank Barone: FAT COLLECTOR!
Marie Barone: Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!
Debra Barone: That's right!
Marie Barone: Debra understands
Frank Barone: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
Ray Barone: [He swings a fist in the air happily]
Frank Barone: That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Frank Barone: Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

Frank Barone: [after Ray and Debra have just made up] That's it? I'm sorry? At least when WE fight stuff comes out!
Marie Barone: [Calm and assertively] Some of it will be coming out when we get home, Frank

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Angry Family (#6.1)" (2001)
Adam: Do any of you feel that the "anger" gets out of control?
Ray Barone: No.
Debra Barone: No, I really don't.
Frank Barone: No, no way.
Marie Barone: Yes.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control. I feel it whenever I come into the house.
Ray Barone: There is a solution.

Marie Barone: You think Michael's book is my fault, don't you? Don't you? Huh? If there's ever a problem in the family, it's the mother. It's *always* the mother. Well, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves. And you, you-you allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you. That's right. You had a mother. And you allowed all this to happen in your school, in your parish. This "new psychology" that children are always right, that they're being rewarded for every little thing they do with the stickers. I mean, these kids are coming home full of stickers for doing nothing! "Ooh, I went to the potty." "Here's a sticker." In my day, you had to *earn* a reward, and even then, you didn't get it. And if there was yelling in the house, you earned that, too. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with this family. We're very close, we're very open, and we're very loving, cause I make sure of it. But everybody has to make a big deal. You have to have a meeting, you have to have an inquiry, you have to have a witch hunt!
Frank Barone: I think they found one.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Date (#3.15)" (1999)
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
[to Marie]
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.

[about Robert's yellow and black clothing]
Frank Barone: Nice suit. Where's Gladys and the other two Pips?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Civil War (#2.13)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I can't believe you shot me, Robert!!
Frank Barone: Stop it! You're ruinin' it!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I gotta lie here all afternoon?
Robert Barone: It's gotta be authentic!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: What authentic? Stone-Wall Jackson's wearing a beeper.
Robert Barone: His wife's pregnant!

Harry: Wow, Mrs. Barone, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Frank Barone: And mine are pretty sore.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift (#2.9)" (1997)
Robert Barone: Well Dad at least you still have the good old remote boat. Where is it?
Frank Barone: I needed a coffin for Stan.
Robert Barone: You buried Stan in the remote boat?
Frank Barone: Ally wanted to have a ceremony. You don't just flush a forty dollar fish down the toilet.

Ray Barone: I don't know why you keep trying. You're just gonna have to return it like always.
Marie Barone: Uh-uh. Not this year. It's a final-sale item. No refunds and no exchanges.
Frank Barone: That's what her parents said when we got married.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sister (#4.6)" (1999)
Marie Barone: You smoke?
Jennifer Whelan: I used to smoke.
Debra Barone: Oh yeah everyone at her commune smoked. Sometimes those funny little cigarettes too.
Frank Barone: You were a pot smoking hippie?
Jennifer Whelan: It was just a place where people could live together and grow organic vegetables.
Debra Barone: Naked.
Marie Barone: You handled food naked?
Ray Barone: That's what makes it organic.

Frank Barone: [to Jennifer] It's so rare that I am able to talk to someone in your vocation. Which leads me to my question. What do you gals wear under there?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Game (#1.17)" (1997)
Marie Barone: We haven't talked for 35 years.
Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!

Marie Barone: You have scruples?
Frank Barone: I got scruples. I got scruples the size of basketballs

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Walk to the Door (#5.7)" (2000)
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Okay, I regret not loving you more. I do. You deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Frank Barone: [laughs] Oh, man!
Marie Barone: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can you say something like that?
Frank Barone: Alright... I would love it if you were in the ocean!

Ray Barone: [to Debra] I regret that I haven't loved you enough. You deserve a husband who has enough love to fill in the ocean
Marie Barone: [She turns to Frank] Why can't you ever say something like that to me?
Frank Barone: All right here goes. I'd love it if you were in the ocean.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Stefania Arrives (#5.17)" (2001)
Frank Barone: I'm going to tell you about my marriage now, but we'll need the garbage disposal.

Frank Barone: That broad ain't built for friendship.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Meatballs (#2.15)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Let me ask you something. How do you make those meatballs?
Marie Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling but what do you put in it? Is there like a recipe or something?
Marie Barone: I stopped using a recipe years ago. I cook from here.
[Marie points at her heart]
Frank Barone: And you nag from here.
[Frank motions toward his mouth]

Marie Barone: Oh, Frank. What are you doing putting back an empty thing?
Frank Barone: That's not empty. There's some left there.
Marie Barone: Two drops? Who's going to drink two drops of juice?
Frank Barone: I am!
Marie Barone: All right. Let me pour you a nice glass of juice.
[Marie pours out the rest of the juice in less than a second]
Marie Barone: Say when.
Frank Barone: Right there's perfect!
[Frank sips a tiny bit from the glass]
Frank Barone: Ah! That was good. I think I'll save the rest for later.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Bird (#8.9)" (2003)
Frank Barone: That bird was one of God's creatures! You had no right to kill it!
Hank MacDougall: Well God did say, "Let man have dominion over the fish in the sea and the fowl in the air and every creeping thing that creepeth upon this earth"
Frank Barone: You creepeth me out!

Frank Barone: Animals tell it like it is. Woof! Moo! Quack!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ping Pong (#3.13)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You let me win?
Frank Barone: Good morning, Sunshine!

Frank Barone: Zero serving zero. Ray can kiss my rearo

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meeting the Parents (#7.17)" (2003)
Hank MacDougall: I don't think it's a good idea for us to be anywhere near your family.
Pat McDougal: Don't take it personal. We're just not the type of people who would ever be seen with. You.
Marie Barone: I take umbridge to that! I take severe umbridge!
Frank Barone: Me too!
Robert Barone: You don't even know what umbridge means.
Frank Barone: Shut up!

Frank Barone: Dear God, please keep this crazy in-law family the hell away from me!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Good Girls (#2.19)" (1998)
Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank Barone: I wanted sex.

Marie: Okay, me and your father slept together just ONCE before we were married.
Ray and Robert: WHAT?
Marie: We were in love, right?
Frank: I was young. There was some attachment.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank's Tribute (#3.16)" (1999)
Frank Barone: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.
Ray Barone: Who, the guys you swim naked with?
Frank Barone: That's lodge policy!

Frank Barone: [to Marie, while wiping her face clean] I like you better without all that crap in your face.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pilot (#1.1)" (1996)
Frank Barone: [Marie is rooting around in Ray's desk. The front door opens and Robert and Frank come in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank Robbie! You scared me!
Frank Barone: You don't leave a note. You just leave! We're looking all over for you.
Marie Barone: Where did you look?
Robert Barone: We thought we'd start here.

Ray Barone: I'm begging you to stop smelling their heads. I'll give you money. Do you want some money?
Frank Barone: Hey, save your money. You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Brother (#2.3)" (1997)
Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will (#4.5)" (1999)
Marie Barone: I saw a pudding skin in the sink.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank. Have you heard, Frank? Apparently, you and I are not fit parents.
Frank Barone: I still want pudding.
Robert Barone: Hey.
Robert Barone: You're not up to their standards either.
Robert Barone: I know. What are we talking about?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Thanks (#4.9)" (1999)
Frank Barone: [after Robert told a joke about an old man forgetting where he lives] That's good. I love an old man joke.
Marie Barone: I married one.
Frank Barone: Another good one!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ride-Along (#2.17)" (1998)
[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Sculpture (#6.5)" (2001)
Janitor: [about Marie's sculpture] If you ask me I think it looks like a...
Frank Barone: [the Janitor whispers in Frank's ear and leaves. Frank continues to stare at the sculpture] Holy crap!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Season's Greetings (#6.12)" (2001)
[Frank walks in to everybody yelling]
Frank Barone: Be quiet! Be quiet!
[Everybody quiets down]
Frank Barone: I'm hungry.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Big Shots (#3.19)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Raymond, your brother was talking about some sort of a ceremony? It sounded like a lot of fun to me. And since you are a sportswriter and have such important connections...
Frank Barone: Oh, just say it, Marie. The Hall of Fame is honoring the 1969 Mets. Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.
Ray Barone: Which one of you do I say no to?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House (#5.24)" (2001)
[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]
Ray Barone: [On the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.
Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!
[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by]
Frank Barone: [without stopping; at Marie's face] That's gonna need another coat.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Moving Out (#3.7)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Hey, your the one that's always telling him to go. Complaining that he's always around. Putting him down.
Frank Barone: I don't REALLY want him to go. If he goes, it's just me and HER!
Robert Barone: [enters] Hey, I got some of my stuff.
Frank Barone: DON'T GO! I-uh-I love you!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Annoying Kid (#7.8)" (2002)
[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]
Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!
Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.
Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?
Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.
Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?
Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank, the Writer (#1.6)" (1996)
Frank Barone: Hey Ray did you know that Mark Twain had a son who was a writer? His name was Choo-choo. Choo-choo Twain

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sitter (#3.3)" (1998)
Robert Barone: Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Talk to Your Daughter (#6.19)" (2002)
Frank Barone: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole... Marie

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Standard Deviation (#1.4)" (1996)
Frank Barone: I don't want my brain measured! It's gotten me this far.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's on TV (#2.1)" (1997)
Frank Barone: I could have eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Article (#3.8)" (1998)
Frank Barone: Hey, hey, what are you doing there?
Marie Barone: I'm cutting an English muffin.
Frank Barone: You don't cut it. You use a fork.
Marie Barone: You don't use a fork to cut things.
Frank Barone: Not to cut, to split.
Marie Barone: What?
Frank Barone: Yeah, it says it right on the wrapper there. Look at it. Fork split. Fork! With a fork!
Marie Barone: All that means is they've split it with a fork at the factory.
Frank Barone: If they split it at the factory it'd be open already and I wouldn't have to talk to you!
Marie Barone: You want this or not?
Frank Barone: Not now. Look what you've done with you knife! Not only have you killed the crannies, you smooshed them into the nooks.
Marie Barone: I'm gonna smoosh *you* into a nook.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Angry Sex (#9.3)" (2004)
Frank Barone: Robert, let's get a move on.
Robert Barone: Okay.
Frank Barone: I said, "Let's go!"
Robert Barone: I'll meet you there. What are we, like a freaking herd?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: A Vote for Debra (#6.20)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I don't know why you're letting her waste her time with this crap.
Ray Barone: No, Debra's right. She said it's important for parents to get involved in their kids' education. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Frank Barone: We never got involved with your education.
Robert Barone: That's right. Pa didn't go in for all that fancy book-larnin'.
Frank Barone: What? What did I pay taxes for? You think I had time to tell you what two plus two is?
Robert Barone: Well, maybe if you took more interest, who knows how far I could have gone?
Frank Barone: Four! Two plus two is four! Go get 'em, tiger!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Left Back (#4.10)" (1999)
Frank Barone: You gotta keep pushing kids.
Debra Barone: Until when Frank?
Frank Barone: Until they cry. That's nature's way of letting you know you pushed enough!
Robert Barone: Here's a man they let have two children.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Party Dress (#8.15)" (2004)
Frank Barone: Let me tell you something: you want that hate. If your kids like you, you've failed as parents.
Robert Barone: Allow me to congratulate you on your magnificent success.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Mozart (#2.4)" (1997)
Frank Barone: Get me some food, will yah?
Marie Barone: Get it yourself, I'm not your slave girl!
Frank Barone: Girl? Ha!
Marie Barone: [angry] Ha! I'll show you ha!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf (#2.5)" (1997)
Frank Barone: An anxiety attack, give me a break! Everyone's having those now-a-days. It's hip!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Nice Talk (#8.19)" (2004)
[last lines]
Frank Barone: I didn't know you needed support. Any time you need to talk, I'm here for you, dumbass.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Vision (#7.10)" (2002)
[to Marie, after she called their marriage to be loveless]
Frank Barone: A loveless marriage?
Frank Barone: A loveless marriage?
[takes Marie's glasses and breaks them in half, and then he exits]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: She's the One (#7.9)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I had to go out the window.
Ray Barone: Did she try to stop you with her tongue?
Robert Barone: It's not funny, Raymond!
[Frank laughs, then makes a frog tongue sound effect]
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Laugh all you want, because I'm done.
Debra Barone: What do you mean, you're done?
Robert Barone: I'm done. I'm done dating. I'm done trying to meet someone. I'm done with humiliation. I can't anymore.
Frank Barone: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower we wouldn't be having this conversation.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Love You (#1.2)" (1996)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Dad, let me ask you somthin'. When was the last time you ever said "I love you" to... anyone?
Frank Barone: "I love you"?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah.
Frank Barone: What do you live in, a freckin' Fairy Land or something?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Italy: Part 2 (#5.2)" (2000)
Frank Barone: Ah, your mother's ass!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Slave (#8.12)" (2004)
[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]
Frank Barone: [comes in] I smell pancakes!
Marie Barone: [examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?
Marie Barone: [also examining the boys] I'll never leave you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!
Frank Barone: Gimme some pancakes!
Ally Barone: [comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes, Grandpa?
Frank Barone: What the hell do you think I've been saying?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Mentor (#8.22)" (2004)
[first lines]
Frank Barone: Okay everybody, you're allowed in my home unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me.
Marie Barone: That's how you talk after church, Frank?
Frank Barone: Yeah, my prayers weren't answered.
Marie Barone: Next time, pray for hair.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you two a long time ago.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Super Bowl (#5.13)" (2001)
Ray Barone: Dad, put the fork down.
Frank Barone: I'll put the fork down when there's a ticket on it!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Misery Loves Company (#8.4)" (2003)
Marie Barone: [Marie explaining how their marriage has work for so long] We might fight but we're OK with each other. You know why? We've endured. We have been through it all. And now...
Frank Barone: We're waiting for death!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra at the Lodge (#8.11)" (2004)
Frank Barone: Your husband garbles heart pills because he's had a 50 year love affair with ham.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Raybert (#6.10)" (2001)
Frank Barone: Didn't I teach you anything, you gotta problem with your woman you don't go out and get another one. Then you got two problems.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The First Time (#6.24)" (2002)
[Debra is trying to talk Marie into making up however she is not listening]
Marie Barone: Frank would like some more sauce?
Frank Barone: No sauce! Talk!
[She pauses and then looks at Robert]
Marie Barone: How about you Robbie?
Robert Barone: [Extending out his plate] Yeah sure I'll take some more.
Frank Barone: You take that sauce and I'll kill you.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Lone Barone (#3.9)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Older Women (#6.9)" (2001)
Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult (#7.1)" (2002)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: No, I'm not going to one of those things. What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?
Frank Barone: You just described my wedding.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Needs Money (#7.6)" (2002)
Ray Barone: We did something for Robert.
Marie Barone: What did you do?
Ray Barone: He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
Marie Barone: You mean with money?
Ray Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: How much?
Ray Barone: A thousand dollars.
[Marie gasps]
Frank Barone: What are you two, idiots?
Debra Barone: No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.
Marie Barone: Why didn't he come to us if he needed money?
Frank Barone: Because we'd say no.
Marie Barone: I'm his mother. I'm the one he should have come to if he needed money. Raymond, I want to buy out that loan.
Frank Barone: No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Debra Barone: It wasn't a loan. It was a gift.
Frank Barone: I stand corrected.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Not So Fast (#9.2)" (2004)
Marie Barone: So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this
[pointing at the exercise machine]
Robert Barone: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine.
Robert Barone: Ma!
Frank Barone: Can I go for a ride?
Amy MacDougall Barone: It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise.
Marie Barone: I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Invasion (#3.1)" (1998)
Frank Barone: You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Win, Lose or Draw (#1.9)" (1996)
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's Ring (#6.4)" (2001)
Frank Barone: You send your little lady out into a man's world with a naked finger? It's like banana time in the monkey cage!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ally's Birth (#5.25)" (2001)
Frank Barone: I hate all of these damn fire hydrants. I'm glad dogs pee on them.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Tasteless Frank (#9.12)" (2005)
Marie Barone: [Frank is taking male enhancement pills that affect his sense of taste] I'm touched that our years in the boudoir have meant so much to you.
Frank Barone: Well, they have. But if it's all the same to you... I'd rather have the food.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: What Good Are You? (#5.12)" (2001)
Marie Barone: Remember that boy who was teasing you? And you walloped him?
Ray Barone: That's right. Robert's friend, Pete Gomez.
Frank Barone: How old was this bruiser? Ten?
Ray Barone: I was ten. He was twelve. And a half. Yeah. He called me "Big Nose Barone" and I told him to stop and he said "okay B.N.B.". I knew what that meant and so I hit him in the stomach and he drops like a sack of doorknobs. It wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch"
Marie Barone: And you don't have a big nose dear. It's perfect for your face.
Frank Barone: It's perfect for two faces.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ingrate (#8.17)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Let me tell you, it didn't start with a smile. It started with nineteen hours of horrible labor!
Frank Barone: But before that, there was a smile.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Sick (#1.13)" (1997)
[Ray mixed up the twins and took the wrong one to the doctor]
Frank Barone: I never mixed up you and Robert.
Robert Barone: Yes you did Dad.
Frank Barone: Oh yeah.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Home (#9.1)" (2004)
Marie Barone: Well, I guess that's everything.
Debra Barone: Marie, I want to say something.
Ray Barone: Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.
Robert Barone: Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?
Frank Barone: Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.
Debra Barone: [shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.
Ray Barone: Ow!
Debra Barone: Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.
Marie Barone: Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.
Debra Barone: Have a great trip

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Thank You Notes (#8.2)" (2003)
Ray Barone: [desperately] They're planning a big throw-down, Iaying out the new order, and everybody's equal. Love all around, peace and harmony.
Frank Barone: Those stupid broads. You can't overthrow Marie. Besides, anytime you cut the head off something, the body still runs around by itself, all crazed-like.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School (#2.21)" (1998)
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Frank can you tell me what is the proper following distance?
Frank Barone: Well if the guy is going really slow I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back he can read my lips.
Robert Barone: [as himself] No Dad the correct answer is one car length per ten miles of speed.
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Yeah remind me never to drive with you. Ya crazy old bastard!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf for It (#8.23)" (2004)
Ray Barone: [to Marie] Nothing is ever good enough and it's *always* our fault!
Frank Barone: You can't speak to your mother that way!
Ray Barone: You do!
Frank Barone: She's not my mother!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Captain Nemo (#1.11)" (1996)
Frank Barone: To my first-born son. A leader of men. And to my second son. A loyal follower.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Dog (#1.19)" (1997)
Frank Barone: [Robert gives Ray the dog to give back to Phyllis] You gave him back? What about the two-hundred bucks we just spent to have him fixed?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lucky Suit (#6.16)" (2002)
Robert Barone: Everybody, I have some great news!
Frank Barone: Your blue ox came home?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet the Bunny (#7.4)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I had to pet that bunny. Every night!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Every night?
Frank Barone: Every night! That damn bunny need some attention. You guys never did anything. "Buy us a bunny, Daddy. We'll take care of it." I was lied to!!
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: I was eight!
Frank Barone: And already a liar!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fairies (#5.16)" (2001)
Debra Barone: Dressing the twins like fairies is not going to make them gay.
Frank Barone: Well, it's not going to turn them into Teamsters.