Robert Barone
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Quotes for
Robert Barone (Character)
from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996)

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"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Thought That Counts (#7.11)" (2002)
Amy MacDougall: You know, Robert. I got to say that book seems a little more thoughtful than what you got me.
Ray Barone: What'd he get you?
Amy MacDougall: Tickets to the Ice Capades.
Robert Barone: What's wrong with that? The Ice Capades is two and a half hours of frozen fun.

Amy MacDougall: You're very thoughtful, Ray. You should trust your own instincts.
Ray Barone: Yeah? Cause I did think of something. You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold? So I thought, what if I get her this really great, top-of-the-line, primo space heater?
[Amy smiles at Ray, unsure how to tell him he has a terrible idea]
Ray Barone: Top of the line! Four settings. Low, medium, high... off.
Robert Barone: Raymond, have you ever even met your wife? Do you know anything about her?
Ray Barone: I know she gets chilly.

Robert Barone: What are you doing here?
Ray Barone: No, I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop in and say howdy doodle.
Robert Barone: Howdy doodle? What, are you hitting the eggnog?

Ray Barone: I want to get something really special for Debra this year, you know? Cause she's just... so great.
Amy MacDougall: Oh, I know. Debra loves pajamas!
Ray Barone: No! Nah, no pajamas.
Robert Barone: [as if he has an idea] Hey, you know what? Get out.
Ray Barone: [Ray ignores Robert] I just-I just. I want to get her something thoughtful, you know? Something that says, "Debra, you mean so much to me, and this gift makes me think of you." So what do you got?

Debra Barone: You gave me the perfect present.
Ray Barone: You know I almost went with another idea. Something from Lake Saugatuck.
Debra Barone: Lake Saugatuck? I don't think I've even mentioned that in ten years.
Ray Barone: Well, you know, I guess I remembered it cause I knew how important it was to you.
[Debra hugs Ray]
Debra Barone: Oh, isn't he too much, huh?
Robert Barone: [yelling] It was me!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: You should be happy with me! I told him to get you that book! It was my idea! Not Raymond's! Me, mine, all me!
Ray Barone: Robert.
Robert Barone: Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill A Mockingbird"!
Ray Barone: Yes I did!
Robert Barone: You did not! You never read the book! You never saw the movie! I bet you didn't even know there *was* a movie about it! Huh? Who was the star of the movie, Raymond?
Ray Barone: Wha-what does that got...
Robert Barone: Gregory Peck! Gregory Peck! He played Atticus Finch! Gregory Peck!
[he imitates Gregory Peck's performance]
Robert Barone: All right, Scout. Step aside while I shoot this rabid dog.
[continues yelling]
Robert Barone: He won the Oscar in 1962! You moron!

Debra Barone: All you care is about is "What should I get for my mom?", "You think my mom will like this?", "Why don't we ask my mom?" Mom, mom, mom, mom, ma.
Robert Barone: How do we get out of here?
Ray Barone: Come on, Debra! You got your book. I gave it to you. You should be happy. Isn't it the thought that counts?
Debra Barone: Yeah but it wasn't *your* thought. It was his!
Amy MacDougall: [pokes Robert in the stomach] Yeah! And why do you care so much about her gift?
Robert Barone: I don't care about her gift. I was just trying to make him look bad.
[to Ray]
Robert Barone: Sorry, man.
Ray Barone: It's okay. I understand.
Debra Barone: You know, Ray? I don't want you to ever get me another gift again because every time you do it just makes me realize how little you care.
[shoves the book into Ray's hands]
Debra Barone: Merry Christmas Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, come on! Now you're becoming my mother!
Debra Barone: What?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Finale (#9.16)" (2005)
Nurse: Debra Barone?
Debra Barone: Yep. Hi how'd it go?
Nurse: Mrs. Barone are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?
Debra Barone: What do you mean? Why?
Nurse: Well we're having difficulty bringing him out of the anesthesia.
Debra Barone: What?
Nurse: He should have been out by now. He's not responding and his blood pressure has dropped below a certain level.
Debra Barone: [Begins crying] Robert
Robert Barone: What is it?
Debra Barone: He's not...
Robert Barone: What? Raymond?
Amy MacDougall: What's happening?
Debra Barone: He's not waking up!
Robert Barone: [to the Nurse] Well just let me go in there I'm his blood type
[the nurse shakes her head]
Robert Barone: No no listen to me! He is my brother I can wake him up. Raymond!
Nurse: [Robert runs to the door] Sir please
Doctor: Hi are you the Barones?
Robert Barone: My brother is in there! Raymond!
Doctor: He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes. It's a form of hypertension but he's perfectly all right.
Debra Barone: Oh, thank you.
Doctor: You can see him in a few minutes
Debra Barone: [Obviously relieved] Oh, Oh my God.
Robert Barone: Well okay but it was fine.
Amy MacDougall: Yes.
Robert Barone: He said it went fine. It went good.
Amy MacDougall: I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.

Debra Barone: Now listen. What happened in there, Nobody... tells... Ray
Frank Barone: Or his mother
Debra Barone, Robert Barone, Amy MacDougall: [Nods in agreement]

Marie Barone: I'm going to the powder room for a moment and when I get back I expect everyone to have a proper look of concern on their faces!
Robert Barone: [He smiles gleefully]
Marie Barone: Robert!
Robert Barone: [His smile disappears. Marie walks into the bathroom and Robert starts grumbling]

Frank Barone: Listen while you're in there have the doctor look at your unenjoyable testicle.
Ray Barone: It's undescended Dad.
Frank Barone: Yes, and do you enjoy it that way? What's the big deal? He'll be down there anyway.
Robert Barone: Do you even know where the adenoids are Dad?
Frank Barone: Sure, around back with the other "oids"

Robert Barone: Raymond has his adenoids out the whole world has to stop.
Amy MacDougall: Robert, it's okay he feels better that we're here.
Robert Barone: Oh he has no feelings. The only reason I'm here is that Ma knows I'm the same blood type as him.
Marie Barone: Not everything's about you Robert. And keep your sleeves rolled up
Robert Barone: Maybe I had other things to do today.
Marie Barone: Enough! This is what a family does. We stick together and we support each other.
Robert Barone: [She touches his arm] Stop looking at my veins

Amy Barone: When we were driving home, "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" came on the radio and he had to pull over for a little bit.
Robert Barone: Oh he is not the sunshine of anything! For your information Amy I pulled over because I thought I hit a cat!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Blabbermouths (#8.20)" (2004)
Robert Barone: It is always the nature of the female to gather with other females...
Frank Barone: ...And screech like a tree full of Chinese monkeys.

Marie Barone: You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie Barone: I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.
Debra Barone: Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray Barone: What?
Frank Barone: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.
Marie Barone: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!
Debra Barone: Marie! Who told you that?
Amy Barone: Marie, I told you that in confidence.
Debra Barone: Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?
Ray Barone: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?
Robert Barone: My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?
[Debra belches loudly]

Ray Barone: I didn't say your marraige didn't have a chance in hell. The way that sounds. I- Alright, look. There are certain things that a man says to his wife when he's just trying to, I don't know, fill the silence!
Robert Barone: Oh, now I understand. You're a hateful jerkface. And what I mean by that is that you're hateful and you're a jerkface.

Ray Barone: You been walking around secretly thinking I'm a hateful jerkface but still acting all fake nice to me?
Amy Barone: I haven't been that nice. A few months ago you got a haircut and everybody said, "Nice haircut, Ray." But I didn't.
Ray Barone: How could you do that to me? I mean, that's terrible!
Amy Barone: You hurt my feelings.
Ray Barone: Still, you think someone's a hateful jerkface, you gotta tell them. I have feelings too.
Robert Barone: Hateful jerkface. Feel better?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Driving Frank (#3.2)" (1998)
Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

Robert Barone: If you didn't hit my car then how did all the black and white paint get on yours?
Frank Barone: I hit a penguin!

Debra Barone: Ray. Listen, I've decided that I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.
Robert Barone: Because of the swearing?
Debra Barone: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Ray Barone: Yeah, well I don't think I can tell him that he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Debra Barone: Why not? He's too aggressive.
Ray Barone: That's why I can't tell him.

Robert Barone: Liver week was my fault. Would've been one night if I just could have swallowed it.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Getaway (#3.21)" (1999)
Robert Barone: So I see Ma's laid in supplies.
Marie Barone: Well, you're welcome to come over here for dinner tomorrow night.
Robert Barone: Oh, I see, so I'm a nice guy to have over, but you wouldn't want me staying here.
Ray Barone: What, Robert?
Robert Barone: Hmm? Nothing. Wasn't asked, wasn't considered.
Marie Barone: What weren't you considered for, dear?
Robert Barone: Let's see, today's category? Child care.
Ray Barone: Look, Robert, I didn't think...
Robert Barone: Oh, you didn't think? No, why would you think someone who's trained in CPR, public safety, and conflict resolution would be able to baby-sit.

Robert Barone: Here's the bag that I borrowed.
Ray Barone: Yeah. Well, what's this smell? What'd you keep in it?
Robert Barone: Some meat.

Robert Barone: What are you doing here?
Marie Barone: Cleaning.
Robert Barone: Ma, listen. I'm in charge while Raymond is away, all right?
Marie Barone: Of course you are, dear. You're doing a wonderful job, The twins could use a nap.
Robert Barone: I'm handling this.
Marie Barone: I know, dear. I can hear through the vent. Have you thought about dinner?
Robert Barone: I'm ordering a pizza.
Marie Barone: No, pizza's not dinner. I'll fix something.
[Marie heads into the kitchen. Robert turns to Ally]
Robert Barone: Did you know she was here?
Ally Barone: Grandma's *always* here.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will (#4.5)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Let's say you are driving your seven year old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder. What do you do?
Linda Gruenfelder: Ignore it?
Robert Barone: Excuse me?
Linda Gruenfelder: Well you let her turn it up and she'll discover how unpleasent that is and she'll just turn it off by herself.
Robert Barone: A most excellent answer. If you can explain what a seven year old is doing in the front seat to begin with!

Robert Barone: Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas
Debra Barone: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert Barone: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra Barone: Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert Barone: Oh, why not?
Debra Barone: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert Barone: No no no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray Barone: I don't know.
Robert Barone: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.
Ray Barone: Maybe you're right.
Debra Barone: Oh, that's what convinces you? I've been talking to you about this for six years!
Ray Barone: You didn't fall in a manhole! He knows how to get through to me.
Debra Barone: See if you can get him to floss.
Robert Barone: Whatever you need.

Marie Barone: I saw a pudding skin in the sink.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank. Have you heard, Frank? Apparently, you and I are not fit parents.
Frank Barone: I still want pudding.
Robert Barone: Hey.
Robert Barone: You're not up to their standards either.
Robert Barone: I know. What are we talking about?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Big Shots (#3.19)" (1999)
Robert Barone: I *am* superior because I'm humble.

Robert Barone: I admit that there may have been times when I might have mentioned in passing that I possibly envied you. But not anymore. And would you like to know why?
Ray Barone: Yeah, no, not really. Where the hell is the waitress?
Robert Barone: Everything you have - successful career, great family, free hot dogs - has made you lose touch with reality. You... are spoiled.
Ray Barone: Oh. Yeah. And I guess all those years sponging off mom and dad have made you a better person.
Robert Barone: It certainly did. I may have a thankless job, be divorced, pay full price for a hot dog, but I happen to have something you'll never have.
Ray Barone: A tail?

Robert Barone: All right. Uh, excuse me, officer.
Officer: Yes?
Robert Barone: Sergeant Robert Barone, NYPD, 2-4 precinct.
Officer: Oh, you're NYPD?
Robert Barone: Yeah. This here's my kid brother, Raymond. I was dozing off, so I didn't notice he had such a lead foot. But I'm gonna keep a closer eye on him from here on out, okay?
Officer: Look, with all due respect, we're pretty strict here with our laws, so I got to write the ticket.
Robert Barone: But - but I carry a shield.
Officer: Then you should know better, officer.
Robert Barone: Hey, listen, I don't know how you do things out here in the sticks, okay? But in the city, cops look out for one another.
Officer: I'm glad we had this conversation. It gave me a chance to notice your brother's inspection sticker. Now, I might just be a country bumpkin, don't know much about all that book learning and fancy numbers, but near as I can figure, this looks like it's expired. I'll be right back with another little present for y'all,

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Moving Out (#3.7)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Hey, your the one that's always telling him to go. Complaining that he's always around. Putting him down.
Frank Barone: I don't REALLY want him to go. If he goes, it's just me and HER!
Robert Barone: [enters] Hey, I got some of my stuff.
Frank Barone: DON'T GO! I-uh-I love you!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: [enters] Hey Robert, you left your coat at my place.
Marie Barone: I'll take it.
[takes the coat and sniffs it]
Robert Barone: I told you Ma, I don't smoke!
Marie Barone: A good mother checks.

Raymond "Ray" Barone: Listen, man, you're right. You got to move outta here.
Robert Barone: I *am* gonna move outta here.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: When?
Robert Barone: When... I'm ready.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Fine. Stay here. Do what you want.
Robert Barone: Oh, I can do whatever I want? Thank you very much, Raymond.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Hey, how many times have I *told* you to move out? You always got some lame excuse. "I'm worried about money."
Robert Barone: Money's a good excuse.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: "I'm only 33." "They let me put a lock on the door." "I'm only 37." Yeah, you know what? You don't need any more excuses 'cause I'm not gonna tell you to move out again.
Robert Barone: Good.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: That's right.
Robert Barone: Great.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: That's right. Stay miserable for the rest of your life and wonder if you should have moved out, but now it's too late 'cause you're old and you're bald and you're living with Mom and Dad.
[Marie walks in carrying a laundry basket]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: And you're gonna find out that the designated pitcher is bad for baseball. Nine guys hit, nine guys field, that's the game. That's the way it was meant to be played.
[Marie exits again]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: What, are you gonna move to Florida with Mom and Dad and stay at a retirement village? I'm not flying 1,500 miles to see you wearing socks with sandals.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener (#4.2)" (1999)
Robert Barone: [Robert enters the room, everybody's got silent] Is it about me?

Robert Barone: If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.
Frank Barone: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie Barone: How could you mention that.
Frank Barone: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing
Marie Barone: I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.
Debra Barone: Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?
Robert Barone: [Robert and Ray both groan]
Marie Barone: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
Marie Barone: [looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings
[looks at Frank again]
Marie Barone: to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank Barone: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.
Marie Barone: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank Barone: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie Barone: YOU'RE SELFISH!
Frank Barone: FAT COLLECTOR!
Marie Barone: Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!
Debra Barone: That's right!
Marie Barone: Debra understands
Frank Barone: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
Ray Barone: [He swings a fist in the air happily]
Frank Barone: That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Frank Barone: Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

Robert Barone: I stopped by Mom and Dad's for coffee. I couldn't take all the Mom and Dad. There's a vibe over there that gives me, I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps.
Debra Barone: Why do you go over there?
Robert Barone: Good coffee.
Debra Barone: Well how's the coffee here?
Robert Barone: [pause] Well when you factor in the vibe here the whole package is good

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Date (#3.15)" (1999)
[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
[to Marie]
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.

Sergeant Judy: Where do you hang out?
Robert Barone: A great place. What's it called? My brother's house
Sergeant Judy, Robert Barone: [laughs]

Robert Barone: That is so whack!
Ray Barone: We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Angry Sex (#9.3)" (2004)
Gianni: Hey, what is she mad at you for?
Ray Barone: She wasn't mad at me. She was mad at my mother. And I don't know, it just freed up something in her, and she channeled that anger in a very hot fashion.
Bernie: Did she curse?
Ray Barone: She said some things, man. She said some things.
Gianni: Oh, sweet!
Bernie: Come on!
Robert Barone: [Robert stands up and the chair he was sitting in sticks to his rear] All right, all right! That's enough!
Robert Barone: What's your problem?
Robert Barone: That's disgusting! Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.
Ray Barone: What? They're my friends, all right? So mind your own fat-ass business.
Gianni: Yeah, shut up.
Robert Barone: My rear end is appropriately proportioned... Raymond. And I'd like to say something else, exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant. And double repugnant is then bragging to your monkey pals about it. The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman should be a private thing, and remain sacred.

Frank Barone: Robert, let's get a move on.
Robert Barone: Okay.
Frank Barone: I said, "Let's go!"
Robert Barone: I'll meet you there. What are we, like a freaking herd?

Robert Barone: Oh, you are going straight to hell.
Ray Barone: And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.
Robert Barone: You win.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Not So Fast (#9.2)" (2004)
Robert Barone: [Ray and Robert are arguing who Marie should live with] How about I hit you with your own wife?

Marie Barone: So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this
[pointing at the exercise machine]
Robert Barone: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine.
Robert Barone: Ma!
Frank Barone: Can I go for a ride?
Amy MacDougall Barone: It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise.
Marie Barone: I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion

Robert Barone: [complaining to God about his life] You are not funny!
Debra Barone: [whispers to Raymond] He does screw with him a lot.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School (#2.21)" (1998)
[Robert's doing mock traffic class with Ray, Debra, Marie, and Frank]
Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with... Raymond.
Ray Barone: ...I killed my brother.
Robert Barone: Traffic offense.
Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?

Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway?
Marie Barone: Well you fasten your seatbelt.
Robert Barone: Okay?
Marie Barone: You check your mirrors.
Robert Barone: Correct.
Marie Barone: You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you.
Robert Barone: Anything else?
Marie Barone: No I think that's it.
Robert Barone: Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it
Robert Barone: [he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy?
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico!
Ray Barone: I don't know. That's awfully specific.
Marie Barone: Robbie that was thirty years ago.
Robert Barone: [as himself] I don't have a problem with it.
Debra Barone: Uh-oh.

Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Frank can you tell me what is the proper following distance?
Frank Barone: Well if the guy is going really slow I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back he can read my lips.
Robert Barone: [as himself] No Dad the correct answer is one car length per ten miles of speed.
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Yeah remind me never to drive with you. Ya crazy old bastard!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boob Job (#4.1)" (1999)
Marie Barone: [the group is talking about breasts] See I expect this kind of thing from Frank, but you boys have no reason to have any interest in such things.
Frank Barone: Why not?
Marie Barone: Because I never nursed them.
Frank Barone: What the hell are you talking about?
Marie Barone: Everybody knows that if you breastfeed boys when they're babies they're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.
Robert Barone: That's why you didn't breastfeed me?
Frank Barone: That, and the two of you were almost the same height. We were gettin' looks.

Marie Barone: So how was your party, dear?
Ray Barone: Well, it started out slow, but then it turned out to be best night of my life.
Debra Barone: Oh. Come on.
Ray Barone: Tell 'em what you saw.
Debra Barone: Nothing.
Ray Barone: [yells] Tell 'em!
Debra Barone: One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Marie Barone: Oh, I don't like that.
Debra Barone: And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
Frank Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Frank Barone: Wait a minute.
Robert Barone: She just showed you?
Frank Barone: Both of 'em?
Robert Barone: Shirt on or off?
Frank Barone: With the brassiere?
Robert Barone: What were *you* wearing?
Ray Barone: All valid questions.

Debra Barone: I agree with Marie. I think a boob job is a totally stupid procedure.
Robert Barone: But fantastic when done properly.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Dog (#1.19)" (1997)
Phyllis: This dog was good for one thing and now he's broken!
Robert Barone: [Defensive] Don't talk about him like that!

Phyllis: Say thank you Baron.
Robert Barone: Baron?

Robert Barone: You guys have any Maalox or something?
Debra Barone: What's the matter Robert? Did you eat something bad?
Robert Barone: I'm a cop and I live with my parents. I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Model (#8.21)" (2004)
Robert Barone: I don't know what happened. Even the lightbulbs are gone. It-it's like a con job.
Ray Barone: How could it be a con job? I mean - oh, don't tell me you paid the guy to represent you.
Robert Barone: No. I only paid for the pictures. I paid for the pictures.
Ray Barone: Oh... man. How much?
Robert Barone: $1000.
Ray Barone: $1000? Are you nuts?
Robert Barone: It would've cost me a lot more with one of those outside guys!
Ray Barone: Oh my God!
Robert Barone: I feel sick.
Ray Barone: All right, easy. Easy!
Robert Barone: I can't breathe! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Ray Barone: Calm down! Robert! Just calm down.
Robert Barone: I can't breathe!
Ray Barone: Calm down. Calm down!
Robert Barone: How can I calm down?
Robert Barone: How can I calm down? Do you know what this means? I've been conned and I'm a cop. I'm a conned cop!
Ray Barone: All right. So why don't you just track the guys down, and you throw 'em in jail?
Robert Barone: Yeah sure. I can just imagine the headlines: "Giant Cop is Giant Schmuck!"

Robert Barone: How do I face Amy and Mom and Dad - They think I'm a model!
Ray Barone: Nobody thinks that.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boys' Therapy (#9.6)" (2004)
Ray Barone: So, what excuse did you give Dr. Greenburg this week?
Robert Barone: Oh, I didn't even talk to him this week. I told him I was going to be working undercover for a while and when I came back I'd have plenty of issues.
Frank Barone: What kind of issues?
Robert Barone: I told him I had to dress as a woman and I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.
Ray Barone: Oh yeah! Oh that's perfect.
Robert Barone: I know!
Frank Barone: If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.
Ray Barone: I know!

Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like what we were talking about the other day. I'm kind of a lousy father because of him, so I just back it up, one more, to Grandpa Joe.
Frank Barone: Yeah, and his dad was the worst. My grandpa, Sal.
Robert Barone: Oh yeah?
Frank Barone: Oh yeah. Grandpa Sal, very scary. He once made Mussolini wet himself.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ride-Along (#2.17)" (1998)
Marie Barone: That's it! No more tag-arounds!
Robert Barone: It's a ride along, Ma.

Robert Barone: [on the radio] Open warehouse door check out okay. We'll do another check in a while and if need be call in the bow-wow.
Robert Barone: [to Ray] That's a police dog.
Ray Barone: A bow-wow's a police dog? How do you crack that code?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Angry Family (#6.1)" (2001)
Robert Barone: If I may, you mentioned, Father Hubley, I was not included in that book and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodge-podge of life from a rather unique vantage point
Ray Barone: The top of a beanstalk?
Robert Barone: [he pauses in order to shake off Ray's comment and then continues talking to Father Hubley] And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like a you-know-what through a we-know-what. That person goes by the name, of Raymond.
Ray Barone: Oh sit down you dope.
Robert Barone: He is and always has been the center. The center of attention. The center of affection. He always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak from these poor souls stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end, on him. Thank you
[Robert begins to sit back down. Ray puts his hand on the seat which causes Robert to jump]
Robert Barone: Ah! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Ray Barone: What are *you* doing? Center chair. It's my kitchen get your own kitchen!
Robert Barone: There ya go! See because I only have a kitchenette and he loves it! Right, Rub-It-In-Raymond? No house for me! No wife! No kids! No lawn! No nothing!

Robert Barone: I'm writing my own book.
Ray Barone: Get out.
Robert Barone: That's the title.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift (#2.9)" (1997)
Robert Barone: Well Dad at least you still have the good old remote boat. Where is it?
Frank Barone: I needed a coffin for Stan.
Robert Barone: You buried Stan in the remote boat?
Frank Barone: Ally wanted to have a ceremony. You don't just flush a forty dollar fish down the toilet.

Marie Barone: [Frank has just gone upstairs to change into his stretchy pants] Okay, let's get the presents.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: Presents? You told me we weren't getting him a present.
Ray Barone: I-He hates presents. Robert, what's going on? We stopped getting him presents.
Robert Barone: Well, it *is* his sixty-fifth birthday, Raymond. You didn't get him a present?
Ray Barone: I got him a card, a funny card.
Robert Barone: So no present from you.
Ray Barone: Well... The kids made stuff.
Robert Barone: But nothing from you.
Ray Barone: No.
Robert Barone: Dad, you coming down, or what?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Workout (#4.8)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Listen, it's none of my business but I think maybe this might be Debra's way of trying to compensate.
Robert Barone: How so, Ma?
Marie Barone: Well, if you can't cook in the kitchen.
Ray Barone: Okay, goodbye.
Robert Barone: You guys are *way* off. Here.
[He hands the brochure to Frank]
Ray Barone: What are you?...
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Robert Barone: That's Debra's aerobics instructor. She watches him flex all around and then she goes home all... inspired.
Ray Barone: Why do you do that? Why do you tell Mom and Dad things like that? Huh? My personal things? Why? Why, why? Why?
Robert Barone: Brings us closer.

Frank Barone: [Looking at the Aerobics pamphlet] Hey, this is a good-looking guy.
[Robert stares at him, uncomfortable]
Frank Barone: What? He's like a gladiator! Come on, Robert, you can't say this isn't a handsome man.
Robert Barone: Ma, please I really need my pants.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Somebody Hates Raymond (#7.13)" (2003)
Jerry Musso: Look what do you want from me?
Ray Barone: So it's true? You *do* hate me?
Ray Barone: Well hey I mean it's no big deal. I just want to know why.
Jerry Musso: All right. You have to push it. Okay. Well there's just something about you. I've read your column, I've heard you speak, I look at you and I go, "I just don't get it". I guess you don't have to be smart to have a career in this business. Now if you know me you know I have pretty high standards and a very low threshhold for dumb. Now look I didn't want to say it. I was trying to be nice but you wouldn't let it go so why don't you go have a shrimp puff and leave me alone okay?
[Ray is hurt. Robert, who has been watching slowly walks up to Jerry]
Robert Barone: Hold it right there you little twerp.
Jerry Musso: Who are you?
Robert Barone: Who am I? I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder. That's who I am. Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away then you have in your entire body you oily, two-faced hack. You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you will never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend, or as a person.
[Robert takes the napkin he used to spit out food and places it in Jerry's front pocket]
Ray Barone: Come on Raymond.
[Ray and Robert walk away and Jerry goes up to Andy]
Jerry Musso: Hey, who let those guys in here?
Andy: I don't know but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!

[Robert has just helped Ray by using some well placed words to insult Jerry Musso]
Ray Barone: Hey you know thanks.
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah.
Ray Barone: That guy called me dumb.
Robert Barone: You're not dumb Raymond.
Ray Barone: I mean even if I am is that any reason to hate me?
Robert Barone: Of course not. There's so many better reasons.
Ray Barone: Yeah. Hey by the way that's not a pimple. That's an ingrown hair
Robert Barone: Well it's weird and it won't go away.
Ray Barone: I know.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Baggage (#7.22)" (2003)
Robert Barone: [Ray is sitting on the couch with a box on his lap. Robert comes in] Hey, what's up?
Ray Barone: You want some cheese?
Robert Barone: What is all that?
Ray Barone: I helped some guy get a job at the paper, so he gave me, like a cheese sampler.
Robert Barone: You've done nothing but eat cheese all day.
Ray Barone: I can't stop.

Ray Barone: You remember when Debra and I went to Conneticut for the weekend?
Robert Barone: Sure, Raymond. I remember every one of your comings and goings. You're my whole life!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Vision (#7.10)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Robert did you get botox?
Robert Barone: Terrats
Ray Barone: Turd hats?

[Attempting to say, "hello Ma. Happy Turkey Day"]
Robert Barone: Hewo Na! Hahhe Hurkey ay.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: She's the One (#7.9)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I had to go out the window.
Ray Barone: Did she try to stop you with her tongue?
Robert Barone: It's not funny, Raymond!
[Frank laughs, then makes a frog tongue sound effect]
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Laugh all you want, because I'm done.
Debra Barone: What do you mean, you're done?
Robert Barone: I'm done. I'm done dating. I'm done trying to meet someone. I'm done with humiliation. I can't anymore.
Frank Barone: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray Barone: She's not the one.
Robert Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Listen, listen. I Saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it.
Robert Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: What did you see, Ray?
Ray Barone: Angela ate the fly!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: The fly, that was flying around... Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in the napkin and the she ate it!
Debra Barone: What the hell are you doing, Ray?
Robert Barone: Yeah man, what is your problem?
Ray Barone: I'm telling you, I saw that woman eat a fly.
Debra Barone: Oh, she did not! You must've seen something else.
Ray Barone: What? What did I see?
Debra Barone: I don't know, maybe it was a crouton or something.
Ray Barone: A flying crouton?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Peter on the Couch (#8.6)" (2003)
Robert Barone: [to Amy, about Peter] Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob. Which reminds me, if you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.

Robert Barone: [Amy starts to cry] Oh Amy! Don't cry! Don't Cry! Amy! LOOK FRUIT!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Cult (#7.1)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I felt like I was a part of something. You know where they wanted me around and really cared about me.
Marie Barone: You have that here you stupid ass!

Robert Barone: The path is straight. And the children of the path shall walk along it straightly on it's straighty straightness.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Security (#8.16)" (2004)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: It's still doing it, Robert! Censor is going off for no reason at all.
Robert Barone: Yeah, well it can be a bit jumpy. You know, for just an extra $25.99 a month I can install ANOTHER one.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah. How about I install my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ...
Debra Barone: RAY!

Raymond "Ray" Barone: Do you want to be a cop? Or do you want to be an alarm salesman? Finish this sentence. I'm a...
Robert Barone: cop
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Alright now why did you pick that?
Robert Barone: Because you said "I'm a" and not "I'm an"

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meeting the Parents (#7.17)" (2003)
Amy MacDougall: We didn't miss church this morning. We decided not to go because Robert and I wanted to sleep in. He stays over quite often and I've decided that it's not a sin.
Robert Barone: I should tell you that when I come over I don't sleep. Uh I mean all I do is sleep. I am out!

Hank MacDougall: I don't think it's a good idea for us to be anywhere near your family.
Pat McDougal: Don't take it personal. We're just not the type of people who would ever be seen with. You.
Marie Barone: I take umbridge to that! I take severe umbridge!
Frank Barone: Me too!
Robert Barone: You don't even know what umbridge means.
Frank Barone: Shut up!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball (#1.12)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
Ray Barone: There are now. Come on, Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.
Debra Barone: Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!
Ray Barone: Oh, God.
Ally Barone: Santa?
Robert Barone: Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho!
[He turns towards Ray]
Robert Barone: Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ray Barone: Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.
Robert Barone: I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
[Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]
Frank Barone: Where's Ally? Ho, ho.
[He sees Robert]
Frank Barone: Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert Barone: I'm Santa Clause.
Frank Barone: You're Santa?
Ray Barone: Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.
Frank Barone: What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?
Debra Barone: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.
Frank Barone: Right! He's my helper.
[to Robert]
Frank Barone: Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

Robert Barone: [Robert and Frank are both dressed as Santa and are trying to convince Ally that the other one is an imposter] I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank Barone: Oh! Uh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen. Uh, those are the main ones. We rotate 'em so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid. Ajax. And Lefty!
Robert Barone: Aha! Now we know the truth! Ho, ho, ho!
[Ally pulls down his beard]
Ally Barone: It's Uncle Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no, little one. I have only assumed the body of a life-form that... you would accept.
Ray Barone: Robert, you're Santa. Not a Klingon.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Good Girls (#2.19)" (1998)
[Robert has found out that his birthday is not when he was told it was]
Robert Barone: I guess I should know. When *is* my birthday?
Marie Barone: April 6th.
Robert Barone: Well that's today.
Ray Barone: [after a slight pause] Surprise!

Robert Barone: Well congratulations Raymond. You were concieved legitimately. You win again
Ray Barone: It's not a competition Robert.
[Ray smiles gleefully]

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Home (#9.1)" (2004)
Ray Barone: What's with you?
Debra Barone: I just haven't been over here since they packed. Weird, isn't it?
Ray Barone: Yeah. Closing day at the mental institution.
Robert Barone: Yep. Final clearance - all crazies must go.
Debra Barone: Come on. Come on.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: It's just not that it's actually happening, I feel...
Ray Barone: ruining everything?

Marie Barone: Well, I guess that's everything.
Debra Barone: Marie, I want to say something.
Ray Barone: Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.
Robert Barone: Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?
Frank Barone: Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.
Debra Barone: [shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.
Ray Barone: Ow!
Debra Barone: Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.
Marie Barone: Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.
Debra Barone: Have a great trip

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lucky Suit (#6.16)" (2002)
Marie Barone: [the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?
Robert Barone: Come here. Let me tell you about it.
Marie Barone: Didn't it go well?
Robert Barone: Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: I never said crazy.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ma, what did you do?
Robert Barone: She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.
Marie Barone: I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.

Robert Barone: Everybody, I have some great news!
Frank Barone: Your blue ox came home?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pilot (#1.1)" (1996)
Robert Barone: Everybody loves Raymond. When I go to work, people shoot at me. When Ray goes to work, people do the wave.

Frank Barone: [Marie is rooting around in Ray's desk. The front door opens and Robert and Frank come in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Oh, Frank Robbie! You scared me!
Frank Barone: You don't leave a note. You just leave! We're looking all over for you.
Marie Barone: Where did you look?
Robert Barone: We thought we'd start here.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Brother (#2.3)" (1997)
Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember?
Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.
Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, That's how it starts.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Getting Even (#3.4)" (1998)
Ray Barone: She's not gonna get you.
Ray Barone: How do you know?
Robert Barone: Cause I said, "Are you gonna get Raymond?" She said, "no." Case closed.
Ray Barone: That's it?
Robert Barone: Oh, yeah. And she also said the twins aren't yours.
Ray Barone: Come on. Come on. Yeah. Really, what's going on?
Robert Barone: Raymond, I know when people are up to something. I can smell it.
Ray Barone: And she smells all right?
Robert Barone: She smells very good.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: How They Met (#3.26)" (1999)
Ray Barone: I can't go out with her now. The whole time she's gonna know that all I'm thinking about is her breasts.
Robert Barone: So don't think about them.
Ray Barone: Okay. Don't think about Zebras. Go.
Robert Barone: Wow.
Ray Barone: What are you thinking about?
Robert Barone: A Zebra with breasts

"Everybody Loves Raymond: High School (#2.10)" (1997)
Robert Barone: [about Ray's hair] He uses conditioner doesn't he? Then he tops it off with the volumizer?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Sculpture (#6.5)" (2001)
Ray Barone: Did you have to dedicate it to me?
Marie Barone: Oh who else?
Robert Barone: [mockingly] who else?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House (#5.24)" (2001)
[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]
Ray Barone: [On the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.
Robert Barone: Agggggghhh!
[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by]
Frank Barone: [without stopping; at Marie's face] That's gonna need another coat.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Annoying Kid (#7.8)" (2002)
[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]
Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!
Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.
Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?
Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.
Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?
Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Italy: Part 1 (#5.1)" (2000)
Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sitter (#3.3)" (1998)
Robert Barone: Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Kicker (#6.11)" (2001)
Robert Barone: Hey Deb, I'm really sorry.
Marie Barone: I managed to throw the ball very well.
Robert Barone: Well, I thought Ray was cutting back towards the window.
Debra Barone: A CLOSED window?
Robert Barone: Well, I could tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.
Marie Barone: All right. Nobody believes you anymore, Robby.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sleepover at Peggy's (#7.19)" (2003)
[Ray comes inside the house completely soaked and clutching his destroyed umbrella]
Robert Barone: What's with you? What happened?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Nothing. Nothing, I went to the drug store and it's kinda windy out. Let me ask you something. What does it mean when a woman pats you on your, you know, on your bottom.
[Robert and Gianni turn and stare at Ray]
Gianni: What drug store did *you* go to?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Visit (#3.5)" (1998)
Debra Barone: [to Lois] I want you to help or at least *want* to help. I want to be more like... like her!
[Debra points at Marie who is shocked but extremely moved]
Robert Barone: Like who?
Ray Barone: Like Mom.
Robert Barone: [disgusted] Why?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: What's with Robert? (#4.12)" (2000)
Marie Barone: You of all people should understand Frank. What about that man in Korea?
Frank Barone: I told you never to mention that!
Ray Barone: What? What happened in Korea?
Frank Barone: Nothing happened! We were in a foxhole! it was cold and snowing! We huddled! You gotta survive don't you? It lasted half a second!
Marie Barone: You see dear? Your father understands.
Frank Barone: Our coats were insufficent. It was huddle or die!
Marie Barone: Oh shut up Frank. We're talking about Robert. And we're telling him that we respect his choice.
Robert Barone: It's not my choice!
Marie Barone: I know dear. Frieda says it's something you're born with.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's on TV (#2.1)" (1997)
Ray Barone: What about my Steinbrenner joke?
Marie Barone: That wasn't funny. It's not nice to make fun of people.
Ray Barone: Well what about this?
Robert Barone: Well *this* is funny.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Civil War (#2.13)" (1998)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I can't believe you shot me, Robert!!
Frank Barone: Stop it! You're ruinin' it!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I gotta lie here all afternoon?
Robert Barone: It's gotta be authentic!!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: What authentic? Stone-Wall Jackson's wearing a beeper.
Robert Barone: His wife's pregnant!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Rodeo (#4.15)" (2000)
Robert Barone: [in the hospital] So, he's coming towards me, see...
Marie Barone: Did you get away?
Robert Barone: [pause] Where are we, Ma?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Be Nice (#3.23)" (1999)
Frank Barone: [Frank pushes a large box of books into Ray's arms] You want books? They're all yours!
Robert Barone: Nothing Dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cruising with Marie (#3.17)" (1999)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I'll tell you this. If Dad's the first to go, Ma's gonna do just fine.
Robert Barone: Yeah. And if Ma's the first to go, God help us all!!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: A Vote for Debra (#6.20)" (2002)
Frank Barone: I don't know why you're letting her waste her time with this crap.
Ray Barone: No, Debra's right. She said it's important for parents to get involved in their kids' education. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Frank Barone: We never got involved with your education.
Robert Barone: That's right. Pa didn't go in for all that fancy book-larnin'.
Frank Barone: What? What did I pay taxes for? You think I had time to tell you what two plus two is?
Robert Barone: Well, maybe if you took more interest, who knows how far I could have gone?
Frank Barone: Four! Two plus two is four! Go get 'em, tiger!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Left Back (#4.10)" (1999)
Frank Barone: You gotta keep pushing kids.
Debra Barone: Until when Frank?
Frank Barone: Until they cry. That's nature's way of letting you know you pushed enough!
Robert Barone: Here's a man they let have two children.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Tenth Anniversary (#4.16)" (2000)
Marie Barone: What could you have taped over it that was so important?
Robert Barone: Football.
Marie Barone: Sports? *Sports?*
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Ma, it was the Super Bowl.
Marie Barone: It doesn't matter if it was the Super Duper Bowl, it's still sports!!!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Divorce (#4.24)" (2000)
Robert Barone: [after Joanne called Marie a bitch and Ray jumped in between them to hold Marie back] What am I going to do now?
Ray Barone: [Rubbing his shoulder in pain] I tell you what you don't do. You don't call Mom a bitch

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Party Dress (#8.15)" (2004)
Frank Barone: Let me tell you something: you want that hate. If your kids like you, you've failed as parents.
Robert Barone: Allow me to congratulate you on your magnificent success.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sister (#4.6)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb. Deb.
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: Don't pretend with me. I only know too well the pain of being number two.
Debra Barone: What did Ray tell you?
Robert Barone: About you and your sister? He doesn't have to tell me. I've seen that face before... in the mirror.
Debra Barone: No, my sister and I don't have that kind of relationship.
Robert Barone: Oh, no? Starts the first day they bring the new one home. There you are, innocently playing with your bongo monkey, all the relatives just oohing and aahing over the new little blessing, so cute, so - so precious. Then Mama's darling begins to cry. Someone comes up with the bright idea of giving him your bongo. That'll calm him down. And from that day forward, say goodbye to your monkey and assume the position. You are now number two.
Debra Barone: I'm the younger one, Robert.
Robert Barone: What's that?
Debra Barone: I'm the youngest. They would be giving me the bongo monkey.
Robert Barone: Oh. Well, it's just a very general story intended to illuminate the human condition.
Debra Barone: Thank you.
Robert Barone: Give me more than Ray.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Tissues (#6.13)" (2002)
Marie Barone: We were watching Raymond unload groceries.
Robert Barone: And nobody's video taping?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Just a Formality (#7.14)" (2003)
Robert Barone: [after making a trip to Pennsylvania] I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
Pat McDougal: [Pat and her husband Hank both smile sweetly and answer] No.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Game (#1.17)" (1997)
Robert Barone: The other kids called me sas-squish

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fascinatin' Debra (#1.21)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Alright, I know, I'm boring. But maybe I would be fascinating if I barged into people's houses 50 times a day.
[imitates Marie]
Debra Barone: Ooh, hello, dear. What's this? Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.
[imitates Frank]
Debra Barone: Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...
[imitates Robert]
Debra Barone: Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.
[increasingly frustrated]
Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
[everybody laughs]
Robert Barone: Do me, now.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Mentor (#8.22)" (2004)
Sam: When I was a kid I used to work at the same company as your father. He was a real mentor to me.
Robert Barone: Mentor?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You sure you don't mean *tor*-mentor?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fighting In-Laws (#5.9)" (2000)
Robert Barone: So you're stuck with Debra's parents for the whole weekend, huh?
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Well, we hardly ever get to see them so when they come up we want to spend as much time as possible with them... I've been told that's how I feel.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Raybert (#6.10)" (2001)
Ray Barone: You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.
Ray Barone: No, it's Raybert.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The First Time (#6.24)" (2002)
[Debra is trying to talk Marie into making up however she is not listening]
Marie Barone: Frank would like some more sauce?
Frank Barone: No sauce! Talk!
[She pauses and then looks at Robert]
Marie Barone: How about you Robbie?
Robert Barone: [Extending out his plate] Yeah sure I'll take some more.
Frank Barone: You take that sauce and I'll kill you.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Lone Barone (#3.9)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray...
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Walk to the Door (#5.7)" (2000)
Robert Barone: You want to go to the woods and dump Dad out?
Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Rub some honey on his ass and blow a bear whistle

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Meant to Be (#5.4)" (2000)
Robert Barone: Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Ray Barone: You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Moves Back (#3.25)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Hey Ray I switched pillows with you. I hope that's okay. Down gives me nightmares.
Ray Barone: About geese?
Robert Barone: They will come after you!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Stefania Arrives (#5.17)" (2001)
Robert Barone: Mr. Fogagnola, what are you doing here?
Signore: I own here.
Robert Barone: What happened to Nemo.
Signore: He go away.
Robert Barone: Where?
Signore: Away.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus (#1.3)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [at the funeral] Bride's side or groom's side?
Ray Barone: [Silently stares at Robert]
Robert Barone: I'm lightening the mood

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ally's Birth (#5.25)" (2001)
Robert Barone: [Debra's pregnant] Um, Debra, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.
Debra Barone: What? What's that supposed to mean?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah what are you supposed to mean? You're seeing EVERYTHING! What else are you supposed to see?
Robert Barone: A HEAD!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Apartment (#3.11)" (1998)
Robert Barone: Wait, Deb. Look, before you go, I was in there hiding, but really thinking about what Ray had said before. And believe it or not, there's actually some truth to it.
Ray Barone: It's okay, Robert, it's over. It's *all* over.
Robert Barone: No, I'm serious here. When I first moved in here, I was kind of depressed. I was away from my family, I lost my girlfriend. And then Ray came over and he kind of liked the place. And for once, I had something that he thought was something. And it made the whole place better.
Ray Barone: For Robert.
Robert Barone: That's true. You know, me and Raymond, we don't get to hang out together that much and it's been - it's been good.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Tasteless Frank (#9.12)" (2005)
Robert Barone: He had to choose between his tongue and his manhood.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Letter (#2.11)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Um did you guys get the...
Robert Barone: Mail? Oh yeah.
Debra Barone: Ray did everybody read that?
Frank Barone: You're my favorite writer!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pat's Secret (#9.15)" (2005)
Hank MacDougall: Why don't you just drink poison?
Robert Barone: Do you have any?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Liars (#8.7)" (2003)
Marie Barone: The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
Robert Barone: This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
Marie Barone: Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.
Debra Barone: Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?
Ray Barone: [flabbergasted] How did you do that?
Marie Barone: I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?
Frank Barone: Anyone?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank's Tribute (#3.16)" (1999)
Ray Barone: You're excited about this?
Robert Barone: It's an honor to be son of man of the year.
Ray Barone: I don't even want to be brother of guy who wants to be son of man of the year.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Someone's Cranky (#4.21)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Only three more weeks huh?
Robert Barone: [depressed] Three more weeks.
Debra Barone: Oh come on try to say it like this.
Debra Barone: Three more weeks!
Robert Barone: Well when you put it like that it doesn't sound so bad. Here let me try.
Robert Barone: Bubonic plague!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Sick (#1.13)" (1997)
[Ray mixed up the twins and took the wrong one to the doctor]
Frank Barone: I never mixed up you and Robert.
Robert Barone: Yes you did Dad.
Frank Barone: Oh yeah.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine? (#1.7)" (1996)
Robert Barone: Hey a prize. Lucky me.
Ray Barone: Why lucky you? Who said it's yours?
Robert Barone: It's in my bowl.
Ray Barone: Technically it's my house so it's my bowl.
Marie Barone: Come on Robbie you had it last time.
Robert Barone: That was thirty years ago!
Ray Barone: Relax. I don't even know if I want it. You can have it if I don't want it. Oh a submarine powered by baking soda. Want it.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Captain Nemo (#1.11)" (1996)
Ray Barone: You're the missing link.
Robert Barone: I've heard that before.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Alone Time (#4.20)" (2000)
Robert Barone: When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.
Marie Barone: Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Dancing with Debra (#3.24)" (1999)
Ray Barone: Uh, you're lookin' pretty spiffy there, You got a hot date?
Robert Barone: Uh, nah. I was over at the Holiday Inn. They have swing dancin' on Thursdays.
Debra Barone: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Robert Barone: Oh, it could have been, but before you dance, you gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman. Before you do that, you gotta stop throwing up in the men's room.
Ray Barone: What are you so nervous about? You've been datin'.
Robert Barone: Yeah, but that's datin'. This is... dancin'.
Ray Barone: So?
Debra Barone: Oh, yeah. I know what he means. Dancing is different. You're very vulnerable.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's a big risk asking someone if you can hold onto them for ten minutes.
Ray Barone: All I want is five, and I get, "Get off me, I'm sleepin'."
Debra Barone: Idiot.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cookies (#6.15)" (2002)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: They bought cookies from your friend, Peggy Hitler!
Robert Barone: You have a friend named Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not my friend.
Robert Barone: But her last name is Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not a Hitler.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: She invaded our territory!

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wedding: Part 2 (#2.25)" (1998)
Robert Barone: I see a lot of bad things
Ray Barone: Being a cop and all?
Robert Barone: Mom and Dad

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Toaster (#3.12)" (1998)
Ray Barone: What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.
Robert Barone: Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're in the way. The Robert Barone story"?

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Pet Cemetery (#5.5)" (2000)
Robert Barone: Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Working Late Again (#2.7)" (1997)
Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Shower (#7.21)" (2003)
[Robert comes into the jail to discover Debra in it]
Robert Barone: [to Ray] Oh! So she finally killed Ma.