Debra Barone
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Quotes for
Debra Barone (Character)
from "Everybody Loves Raymond" (1996)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Will (#4.5)" (1999)
Robert Barone: Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas
Debra Barone: Robert, you have a will, right?
Robert Barone: Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?
Debra Barone: Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.
Robert Barone: Oh, why not?
Debra Barone: He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.
Robert Barone: No no no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!
Ray Barone: I don't know.
Robert Barone: Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.
Ray Barone: Maybe you're right.
Debra Barone: Oh, that's what convinces you? I've been talking to you about this for six years!
Ray Barone: You didn't fall in a manhole! He knows how to get through to me.
Debra Barone: See if you can get him to floss.
Robert Barone: Whatever you need.

Ray Barone: Hey.
Debra Barone: Hey.
Ray Barone: You know, I almost died today.
Debra Barone: Really?
Ray Barone: That's what you say when I tell you I almost died?
Debra Barone: What am I supposed to say?
Ray Barone: "Oh my God, Ray! Are you all right?"
Debra Barone: What happened?
Ray Barone: I'm in the press box, I'm watching the game...
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Ray Barone: ...and I'm eating a soft pretzel. But these pretzels they have, they're not moist. They're bigger than the other ones, but they're very dry. Anyway, the salt doesn't stick to them, it falls everywhere.
Debra Barone: Oh my God, are you okay?
Ray Barone: You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?
Debra Barone: All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.
Ray Barone: Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!
Debra Barone: Yeah?
Ray Barone: Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!
Debra Barone: You get chocolate cake in the press box?
Ray Barone: It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.
Debra Barone: I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Debra Barone: I do not want a will. It's bad luck.
Ray Barone: You've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.
Ray Barone: Near-death, I was going for pity sex.

Ray Barone: Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?
Debra Barone: $800,000.
Ray Barone: That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Marie Barone: You know, actually, this could be a good lesson for me. To learn to be content with what is and not hope for what could be.
Debra Barone: So what could be is us dying and you raising our children?
Marie Barone: Well, not anymore.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Angry Family (#6.1)" (2001)
Eileen: We do have counselors. Father Hubley is very good.
Ray Barone: No, no. That's the last thing that we need.
Eileen: Why do you say that?
Ray Barone: Because then everybody's talking about it and...
Debra Barone: Look what are you... Why do you have to be so closed minded? You see this is the attitude.
Ray Barone: I'm not close minded.
Debra Barone: Ugh! What are you doing? Right now? This is who you are! Why can't you just talk about things? Huh? Talk!
Eileen: You know I have to say that you're actually exhibiting some of the very traits that seemed to jump off the page in Michael's book.
Debra Barone: Who?
Eileen: Um. well, uh, you.
Debra Barone: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.
Ray Barone: You sound a bit close minded.
Debra Barone: Hey!
[she turns towards Eiieen and throughout the next statement grows increasingly upset]
Debra Barone: Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married I didn't just get a husband. I got an entire freak show that put up their tent right across the street. And that would be fine if they stayed there. But every day, *every* day. They drop a truckload of their insane family drek into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their sixties fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother!
[She starts imitating Robert]
Debra Barone: I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn.
Debra Barone: [as herself again] But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this sick hold on the both of them! And the father is about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped on this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories! My life is a gothic novel. And until you have lived in that house with all of them in there with you, day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, then you are in no position to judge me!

Ray Barone: There are times where you seem to yell for no reason, you know? Maybe... maybe that's what he's picking up on.
Debra Barone: I'm pretty sure that most of the leading characters in that story were from the Barone side.
Ray Barone: Yeah, okay, but the loud part, I'm thinkin', is probably you.

Adam: Do any of you feel that the "anger" gets out of control?
Ray Barone: No.
Debra Barone: No, I really don't.
Frank Barone: No, no way.
Marie Barone: Yes.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control. I feel it whenever I come into the house.
Ray Barone: There is a solution.

Eileen: I was really impressed with that Michael wrote about in his book, weren't you?
Debra Barone: Me? Uh, definitely. Oh, definitely. Um, but I do think that his book was just a story. And, yes, obviously all stories do come from somewhere.
Ray Barone: Well, not all of them.
Eileen: Hmm?
Ray Barone: I was just thinkin' something. I was just thinkin', some stories come from... like-like those shows you go to where they say, "Give us a location!" And then the audience goes, "An elevator!" And then they say, "What language should we do?" or something. And you yell, "French!" You know, and they do a hilarious thing right there. "Second floor - croissants!" You know? Yeah. They just-they make that stuff up right there on the spot. Yeah. So that would be one example where some stories do come from.
Eileen: Is-is that what Michael did?
Ray Barone: Probably not.

Ray Barone: If you were on top of stuff, you coulda stopped the story from leakin' out.
Debra Barone: I am on top of stuff! What do you do, huh? Look, those stories were supposed to be a surprise for the parents.
Ray Barone: A surprise for the parents? I think the surprise is, you get to the school and there's an open bar. No, this was like an ambush.
Debra Barone: And you can't even see what the real problem is here, can you? There's an image that Michael has of us.
Ray Barone: Come on, we're normal.
[Debra stares at him]
Ray Barone: Comparatively normal. Watch the news.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Letter (#2.11)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Um did you guys get the...
Robert Barone: Mail? Oh yeah.
Debra Barone: Ray did everybody read that?
Frank Barone: You're my favorite writer!

Debra Barone: Marie I think you misunderstood the purpose of that letter.
Marie Barone: I think I understood it very well. According to you I'm intrusive, critical
Frank Barone: Overbearing

Debra Barone: [after everyone leaves her party early] This is not what I wanted!
Marie Barone: Of course it isn't dear. Nobody *wants* to throw a bad party.

Frank Barone: It's a whole bag of nighties...
Debra Barone: No, Frank that's... It's for a game.
Frank Barone: I'm in!

Helen: Ok, for more free tupperware, it's time to play, "Guess Who's Nightie?" Did everybody put their nightie in the bag?
Debra Barone: Yes, Ma'am.
Amy MacDougall: Yes.
Marie Barone: No. I didn't bring one. I wasn't told about the party.
Helen: Well, why don't you pick first?
Marie Barone: Ok.
[she reaches into the bag and pulls out a black nightie. There is a chorus of "oohs" and "whoos"]
Gayle: I guess Amy.
Debra Barone: Yes!
Marie Barone: Amy? No.
Amy MacDougall: Well, I never wear it.
[Marie is shocked]
Amy MacDougall: Actually, I bought it special for this game. Really. Robert's never seen it!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Getting Even (#3.4)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Come on, what do you - don't be such a bad sport.
Debra Barone: What if you were me? What would you do?
Ray Barone: I would laugh at all my husband's jokes, strip off my clothes, have my way with him and then put on TV.
Debra Barone: Keep dreaming.
Ray Barone: I would - I'd be so naughty. I might even talk dirty, oh!

Ray Barone: I know, you're mad at the jokes.
Debra Barone: You just - you just couldn't stop, could you, Ray?
Ray Barone: I was killing them, it was great. That box falling apart, that was the best thing that could've happened. That broke the ice.
Debra Barone: You embarrassed me.
Ray Barone: What? No! It was all fun. Come on, I told you, people thought that we did it on purpose.
Debra Barone: I felt humiliated.
Ray Barone: Don't feel humiliated.
Debra Barone: Don't tell me how to feel.
Ray Barone: But you're wrong.
Debra Barone: There's no right or wrong, this is how I feel. You can not tell me not be humiliated, I just am.
Ray Barone: Okay, all right, feel humiliated.
Debra Barone: I don't anymore.
Ray Barone: Okay, all right...
Debra Barone: Now I'm just angry. I mean I can't believe - I can't believe you - It's bad enough what you did to me tonight, but you don't even care how I feel about it. All you care about is how well you did, you laugh-whore
Ray Barone: Maybe you should... go back to being humiliated.

Frank Barone: Debra, what kind of con game are you running?
Marie Barone: It's your own fault, Frank. Who told you to sign up for all those things?
Frank Barone: I didn't expect to win this crap.
Debra Barone: It's not crap, Frank.
Frank Barone: Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe. That is *floating* crap.
Marie Barone: Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.
Frank Barone: Guess you didn't see "Deliverance"

Ray Barone: I know how your mind works.
Debra Barone: You don't even know how *your* mind works.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Look Don't Touch (#1.5)" (1996)
[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair]
Debra Barone: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
Marie Barone: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Ray Barone: [on the phone] Hello? Yes, he is. May I ask who's calling? Okay, just a minute. Angelina.
Ray Barone: Angelina? Don't know anyone by that name.
Debra Barone: Does he know what this is regarding? Okay, yeah thanks for calling. Bye-bye. She's got your wallet.
Ray Barone: What? My wallet?
Debra Barone: Yeah. It's at Nemo's.
Ray Barone: I didn't go to Nemo's.
Debra Barone: Well your wallet made it there somehow. Do you have your wallet? Ray, she said she just waited on you.
Ray Barone: Oh Nemo's Nemo's, yeah. Might have been a waitress over there. Even though we usually go to the counter. But today Nemo forced us into this table, where the waitresses go. So we had to have a waitress. Not *have* a waitress. We uh we had waitress service.
Debra Barone: So how pretty is she?
Ray Barone: I didn't say she was pretty.
Debra Barone: You didn't have to. You're being so defensive about it. My gosh, you'd think there was something going on.
Ray Barone: [laughs uncomfortably] No, no, no, no. no, no, no.
Debra Barone: You're a freak.
Ray Barone: What? What did I do?
Debra Barone: Come on, can't you be honest? I mean, look Ray, if you saw someone pretty today, you could tell me.
Ray Barone: I saw nothing.
Debra Barone: Wow, she must be beautiful.
Ray Barone: Look, she's Nemo's niece. How beautiful can she be? You've seen Nemo. All right, some men might find her attractive. Nothing like you, though.
[Debra glares at Ray]
Ray Barone: Which means that you are the more attractive one. I... I have the right to an attorney.

Debra Barone: Ray, wake up!
Ray Barone: There's pudding everywhere!

Debra Barone: Would you sleep with her if we weren't married?
Ray Barone: What? No! No. No. No!
Debra Barone: Let's just pretend I didn't exist.
Ray Barone: I don't like this ride. It's scary.
Debra Barone: What are you afraid of?
Ray Barone: Look, if you didn't exist I'd never meet another woman because I'd be a sailor. I'd sail. I'd just sail around the world by myself married to the salt and the sea.
Debra Barone: Man, okay, just forget it. Good grief. I was just kidding.
Ray Barone: All right.
Debra Barone: Okay, so you're a sailor. You pull into the port of Queens to take on supplies and you go ashore to Nemo's. You're lonely from this long journey and you come upon this lovely pizza wench. Would you sleep with her?
Ray Barone: You don't exist?
Debra Barone: It's like It's A Wonderful Life. There's no Debra.
Ray Barone: Well, then it's not a wonderful life, is it?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sister (#4.6)" (1999)
Marie Barone: You smoke?
Jennifer Whelan: I used to smoke.
Debra Barone: Oh yeah everyone at her commune smoked. Sometimes those funny little cigarettes too.
Frank Barone: You were a pot smoking hippie?
Jennifer Whelan: It was just a place where people could live together and grow organic vegetables.
Debra Barone: Naked.
Marie Barone: You handled food naked?
Ray Barone: That's what makes it organic.

Robert Barone: Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb. Deb.
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: Don't pretend with me. I only know too well the pain of being number two.
Debra Barone: What did Ray tell you?
Robert Barone: About you and your sister? He doesn't have to tell me. I've seen that face before... in the mirror.
Debra Barone: No, my sister and I don't have that kind of relationship.
Robert Barone: Oh, no? Starts the first day they bring the new one home. There you are, innocently playing with your bongo monkey, all the relatives just oohing and aahing over the new little blessing, so cute, so - so precious. Then Mama's darling begins to cry. Someone comes up with the bright idea of giving him your bongo. That'll calm him down. And from that day forward, say goodbye to your monkey and assume the position. You are now number two.
Debra Barone: I'm the younger one, Robert.
Robert Barone: What's that?
Debra Barone: I'm the youngest. They would be giving me the bongo monkey.
Robert Barone: Oh. Well, it's just a very general story intended to illuminate the human condition.
Debra Barone: Thank you.
Robert Barone: Give me more than Ray.

Jennifer Whelan: I know you can't believe it, but I happen to be serious about this.
Debra Barone: Why?
Jennifer Whelan: What, why am I becoming a nun?
Debra Barone: Yeah, why don't you tell me?
Jennifer Whelan: Because I wanna be better than you.

Debra Barone: Ray and Robert, they have this, like, completely screwed up relationship, but at least they have each other, you know? I mean, they fight, they compete and they blame their lives on their parents. They're real brothers.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Thought That Counts (#7.11)" (2002)
Ray Barone: It's unbelievable. You know, I try to do something nice and thoughtful and it's like I killed my mother's birthday.
Debra Barone: Yep. Very, very thoughtful.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: Hmm? Nothing. No, I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was but I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort into the things that you buy. For her.
Ray Barone: Goodnight.

Debra Barone: You gave me the perfect present.
Ray Barone: You know I almost went with another idea. Something from Lake Saugatuck.
Debra Barone: Lake Saugatuck? I don't think I've even mentioned that in ten years.
Ray Barone: Well, you know, I guess I remembered it cause I knew how important it was to you.
[Debra hugs Ray]
Debra Barone: Oh, isn't he too much, huh?
Robert Barone: [yelling] It was me!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: You should be happy with me! I told him to get you that book! It was my idea! Not Raymond's! Me, mine, all me!
Ray Barone: Robert.
Robert Barone: Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill A Mockingbird"!
Ray Barone: Yes I did!
Robert Barone: You did not! You never read the book! You never saw the movie! I bet you didn't even know there *was* a movie about it! Huh? Who was the star of the movie, Raymond?
Ray Barone: Wha-what does that got...
Robert Barone: Gregory Peck! Gregory Peck! He played Atticus Finch! Gregory Peck!
[he imitates Gregory Peck's performance]
Robert Barone: All right, Scout. Step aside while I shoot this rabid dog.
[continues yelling]
Robert Barone: He won the Oscar in 1962! You moron!

Ray Barone: I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff. You're not making any sense! Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.
Debra Barone: You always get me gift certificates and backrub IOUs or stuff that I've had to hint that I want like, like these pajamas for instance.
Ray Barone: You never hinted about those pajamas
Debra Barone: I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store, directions from the front of the store to the pajama department. I still had to return them because you got the wrong ones.
Ray Barone: See, if you sleep naked we don't have this problem.

Debra Barone: All you care is about is "What should I get for my mom?", "You think my mom will like this?", "Why don't we ask my mom?" Mom, mom, mom, mom, ma.
Robert Barone: How do we get out of here?
Ray Barone: Come on, Debra! You got your book. I gave it to you. You should be happy. Isn't it the thought that counts?
Debra Barone: Yeah but it wasn't *your* thought. It was his!
Amy MacDougall: [pokes Robert in the stomach] Yeah! And why do you care so much about her gift?
Robert Barone: I don't care about her gift. I was just trying to make him look bad.
[to Ray]
Robert Barone: Sorry, man.
Ray Barone: It's okay. I understand.
Debra Barone: You know, Ray? I don't want you to ever get me another gift again because every time you do it just makes me realize how little you care.
[shoves the book into Ray's hands]
Debra Barone: Merry Christmas Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, come on! Now you're becoming my mother!
Debra Barone: What?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Finale (#9.16)" (2005)
Nurse: Debra Barone?
Debra Barone: Yep. Hi how'd it go?
Nurse: Mrs. Barone are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?
Debra Barone: What do you mean? Why?
Nurse: Well we're having difficulty bringing him out of the anesthesia.
Debra Barone: What?
Nurse: He should have been out by now. He's not responding and his blood pressure has dropped below a certain level.
Debra Barone: [Begins crying] Robert
Robert Barone: What is it?
Debra Barone: He's not...
Robert Barone: What? Raymond?
Amy MacDougall: What's happening?
Debra Barone: He's not waking up!
Robert Barone: [to the Nurse] Well just let me go in there I'm his blood type
[the nurse shakes her head]
Robert Barone: No no listen to me! He is my brother I can wake him up. Raymond!
Nurse: [Robert runs to the door] Sir please
Doctor: Hi are you the Barones?
Robert Barone: My brother is in there! Raymond!
Doctor: He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes. It's a form of hypertension but he's perfectly all right.
Debra Barone: Oh, thank you.
Doctor: You can see him in a few minutes
Debra Barone: [Obviously relieved] Oh, Oh my God.
Robert Barone: Well okay but it was fine.
Amy MacDougall: Yes.
Robert Barone: He said it went fine. It went good.
Amy MacDougall: I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.

Debra Barone: Now listen. What happened in there, Nobody... tells... Ray
Frank Barone: Or his mother
Debra Barone, Robert Barone, Amy MacDougall: [Nods in agreement]

Ray Barone: For thirty seconds you all thought I might be dead.
[He pauses and looks around at the family who remains silent]
Ray Barone: What'd everybody do?
Debra Barone: You weren't dead! It was thirty seconds!
Ray Barone: Well thirty seconds is a long time. What went through your mind. Thirty seconds okay go. I have to plan a funeral. I have to raise three kids myself. On the other hand I can start dating again. I'm gonna need new shoes. You know who's cute? Gianni.
Marie Barone: Debra!
Frank Barone: Enough! I was there! I saw your wife fall apart! I never saw her look that way and I tell ya I never want to see her look that way again!
Ray Barone: Is that true?
Debra Barone: A little

[last lines]
Debra Barone: [the entire family is gathered all around the table] Hey, Ray it's a little crowded in here.
Ray Barone: Maybe we should get a bigger table.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Blabbermouths (#8.20)" (2004)
Amy Barone: Here's the sweetest thing. Every night since our wedding, Robert gives me a little massage.
Debra Barone: Oh, wow! You are so lucky.
Amy Barone: Yeah. Although he kinda doesn't know his own strength so sometimes, when he squeezes, I feel like I'm being juiced.

Marie Barone: You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie Barone: I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.
Debra Barone: Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray Barone: What?
Frank Barone: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.
Marie Barone: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!
Debra Barone: Marie! Who told you that?
Amy Barone: Marie, I told you that in confidence.
Debra Barone: Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?
Ray Barone: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?
Robert Barone: My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?
[Debra belches loudly]

Debra Barone: Ray, this is crazy. What, do you expect me to remember everything I've ever told Amy about you over the years?
Ray Barone: Years? You've been doing this to me for years?
Debra Barone: Look, okay, I realize you're upset and I will try to be more sensitive but I do talk to Amy about my life and I'm sorry but you happen to be a big part of my life.
Ray Barone: Well, I'm sorry you and the other hens don't have anything better to do than to cluck around the henhouse like a gaggle of cluckity cluckin' hens!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Be Nice (#3.23)" (1999)
Debra Barone: [on the phone] Yeah, well, of course she has time to work out. She's only got one kid.
Ray Barone: Deb, where's the paper?
Debra Barone: Yeah, oh, well, give her a pair of twins and then let's see her body.
Ray Barone: Debra, where's the paper?
Debra Barone: [to Ray] I don't know.
[back to the phone]
Debra Barone: Yeah, yeah. Put her in a bikini! There you go.
Ray Barone: You brought the paper in. Where'd you put it?
Debra Barone: [to Ray] Honey, I'm on the phone.
[to the phone]
Debra Barone: You know what? I saw a bathing suit that would be perfect for you.
Ray Barone: Could you just point to the paper?
Debra Barone: Would you stop? I'm on the phone.
Ray Barone: In the amount of time it took you to say that, you can tell me where the paper is.
Debra Barone: Yeah, it's just my husband.
Ray Barone: Well, who's that?
Debra Barone: It's Jason's mom from school, okay?
Ray Barone: You don't even know her name. Tell me her name.
[Debra shushes him]
Debra Barone: Yeah, I have the catalog here somewhere.
Ray Barone: Oh, so you're looking for something for somebody you don't even know. Where's my paper?
Debra Barone: Yeah. Here. I've got the catalog. You know what? I'll give it to you when I see you at the book fair. Okay? Okay. Bye-bye.
[She hangs up and turns to Ray]
Debra Barone: God! You are impossible! I can't talk on the phone for two minutes without you interrupting me.
Ray Barone: Where's the paper?

Ray Barone: Oh, hey, Justin, your mother's gonna be right back, okay?
Debra Barone: Where is she?
Ray Barone: She's over there. I'm keeping an eye on Justin for her.
Debra Barone: You're watching additional children?
Elise: [Walking up] Here we go. Oh, hey, Debra.
Debra Barone: Hi.
Elise: I got everybody popsicles.
Ray Barone: Oh, great. one, two, three, four, five. Five popsicles.
Elise: Thanks for watching Justin, Ray.
Ray Barone: Pleasure, Elise.
Elise: You better hang on to him, Debra. Come on, Justin!
[She leaves]
Ray Barone: See you later, Justin!
[to Debra]
Ray Barone: Well, you know, this is silly. We don't both need to be here. Maybe one of us should - I don't know - Go home and watch the ball game.
Debra Barone: I don't think you wanna go yet. You're gonna miss the awards ceremony.
Ray Barone: Huh?
Debra Barone: Yeah. And the winner for best performance as a husband goes to
[She pantomimes opening an envelope and then gasps as she pretends to read it]
Debra Barone: Ray Barone for "Mr. Fantastic Visits A Park"! Yay!
Ray Barone: Oh, I have nothing prepared.

Ray Barone: Oh, I love turkey.
Debra Barone: Yeah. You want some chips?
Ray Barone: No. Just your sandwich. Yes!
[He takes a bite]
Debra Barone: How is it?
Ray Barone: It's great. Do we have chips?
Debra Barone: Yeah sure.
Ray Barone: Huh.
Debra Barone: Why? What's the matter?
Ray Barone: No, nothing, There something new in here? Something new?
Debra Barone: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I made my own dressing yesterday.
Ray Barone: Hmm!
Debra Barone: You like it?
Ray Barone: I - you know, I think it's marvelous that you're trying the new dressings, yeah.
Debra Barone: Wait a minute. What is that?
Ray Barone: What? Nice.
Debra Barone: No, no, no. That's not nice. That's, like, fake nice. That's your mom.
Ray Barone: All right, all right, now, *that's* not nice right there.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Left Back (#4.10)" (1999)
Sarah: Boys are just a little slower to develop than girls.
Debra Barone: But Geoffrey's developing on schedule.
Ray Barone: Oh boy, my father's gonna love that.
Debra Barone: What? Shut up.
Sarah: Excuse me?
Ray Barone: Nothing. My father thinks that Geoffrey has homosexual tendencies.

Ray Barone: Am I stupid?
Debra Barone: If this is your new way of asking for sex then yes.

Frank Barone: You gotta keep pushing kids.
Debra Barone: Until when Frank?
Frank Barone: Until they cry. That's nature's way of letting you know you pushed enough!
Robert Barone: Here's a man they let have two children.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Baggage (#7.22)" (2003)
Marie Barone: Frank and I have been fighting ever since.
Debra Barone: No, you two seem so happy.

[Marie is telling Debra about the big fork and spoon]
Debra Barone: I just always assumed they were Robert's baby utensils.

Marie Barone: Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork and spoon.
Debra Barone: [pause] I never heard that before.
Marie Barone: Take it to heart, dear.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf (#2.5)" (1997)
Ray Barone: After golfing we were in the locker room and I got this weird feeling.
Debra Barone: Ray, you are not gay.

Ray Barone: Deb, where are you?
Debra Barone: I'm up here. In the bedroom.
Ray Barone: Where are the kids?
Debra Barone: They're at Linda's house.
Ray Barone: Good. Come down will you? I want to talk to you.
Debra Barone: I think you might want to come up.
Ray Barone: It's 3:00. It can't be sex. Come down, will ya?
Debra Barone: All right, but I'll have to put clothes on.
Ray Barone: Coming up.

Marie Barone: I know this has been hard on you honey. And you're doing everything you can for Raymond. But maybe the way you can help him relax is very simple.
Debra Barone: What do you mean?
Marie Barone: Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear... are you making yourself available to him? You know what I'm talking about?
Debra Barone: Please, Marie!
Marie Barone: Listen, you know Raymond doesn't like to ask for things.
Debra Barone: Do we have to talk about this?
Marie Barone: I'm just trying to help.
Debra Barone: I didn't say anything when you told me how Ray liked his underwear folded, but this is over the line.
Marie Barone: I'm sorry, but Raymond needs your help. Debra, you... Have a glass of wine first!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Driving Frank (#3.2)" (1998)
Debra Barone: What happened?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: He passed!
Debra Barone: HE PASSED? J-Just the writen part.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: No. EVERYTHING. The driving, the turning, the seeing.
Debra Barone: What kind of government is THIS!

Debra Barone: [astonished as Frank's renewed drivers license] The problem is he has the State of New York behind him now.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah well, they better not try to pass him cause he'll flip 'em off.

Debra Barone: Ray. Listen, I've decided that I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.
Robert Barone: Because of the swearing?
Debra Barone: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Ray Barone: Yeah, well I don't think I can tell him that he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Debra Barone: Why not? He's too aggressive.
Ray Barone: That's why I can't tell him.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Bad Moon Rising (#4.22)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Have you ever considered giving me a hug?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: A hug?
Debra Barone: Yes! A hug! Did you ever think of that, you big jerk?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone who's trying to kill you!
Debra Barone: How would you know? You've never even tried it!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well, look, *this* is not huggable! *This* is not Debra! This is the woman who shows up once a month to tear into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

Debra Barone: Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of you.

Debra Barone: I'm crying cause I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.
Ray Barone: What's a dirfwad?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Not So Fast (#9.2)" (2004)
Debra Barone: I don't understand, Marie and Frank seem so happy here.
Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones.

Robert Barone: [complaining to God about his life] You are not funny!
Debra Barone: [whispers to Raymond] He does screw with him a lot.

Debra Barone: Marie said she was in "The Unsinkable Molly Brown".
Katie: That is now a one-woman show.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Diamonds (#1.16)" (1997)
[Debra has lost her engagement ring and is obviously quite upset]
Amy MacDougall: It's always the last place you look.
Debra Barone: Of course it will be the last place I look because once I find it I won't have to look for it anymore!

Debra Barone: I have a confession to make to you. RIght after we got engaged, I had the original stone replaced.
[long pause]
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: I mean when you asked me to marry you I was so happy, believe me, but... I mean I know you got the best stone you could afford bless your heart but like my parents weren't that crazy about you to begin with and I didn't want to show them that stone.
Ray Barone: I understand.
Debra Barone: You know my grandmother Abby? She'd given me her ring years before so I put that stone in your setting.
Ray Barone: Do you remember how much that stone was worth? Just ballpark?
Debra Barone: Sweetie, it's not important.
Ray Barone: How important is it not?
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: How much was old Abby's stone worth?
Debra Barone: $15,000
[Ray slowly falls to the floor as though he had been kicked in the groin]
Debra Barone: I could just kill myself Ray.
Ray Barone: This could be a murder-suicide.

Ray Barone: [holding a flashlight and a stick of butter] Hey. Wanna play baker in the mineshaft?
Debra Barone: Okay. But I get to be the baker this time.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball (#1.12)" (1996)
Robert Barone: [Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.
Ray Barone: There are now. Come on, Robert.
Robert Barone: No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.
Debra Barone: Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!
Ray Barone: Oh, God.
Ally Barone: Santa?
Robert Barone: Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho!
[He turns towards Ray]
Robert Barone: Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ray Barone: Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.
Robert Barone: I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
[Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]
Frank Barone: Where's Ally? Ho, ho.
[He sees Robert]
Frank Barone: Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert Barone: I'm Santa Clause.
Frank Barone: You're Santa?
Ray Barone: Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.
Frank Barone: What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?
Debra Barone: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.
Frank Barone: Right! He's my helper.
[to Robert]
Frank Barone: Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

[Ray has just learned that his Mickey Mantle autographed baseball may be a fake]
Debra Barone: You okay, Ray?
Ray Barone: What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?
Debra Barone: Come on, Ray. I don't remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
Ray Barone: No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't- you don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. To Ray. Ray. Then he wishes me luck. *Good* luck. Then he signs it. Mickey Mantle. Look at that. Look how the y in the Ray is the same as the y in Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy. This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy, this guy's Mickey Mantle.
Debra Barone: Gee, that's beautiful Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how 'bout it?"
[She rolls her eyes and walks away]

Debra Barone: Ray, come on. Are you still thinking about that baseball?
Ray Barone: No. No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now.
Debra Barone: Like what?
Ray Barone: Remember that guy that you went out with before me? Eric... Butterpants?
Debra Barone: Eric Butterman, Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, so you *do* remember him!
Debra Barone: Yeah. What about him?
Ray Barone: You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you otherwise you would've never met me.
Debra Barone: Yeah, so?
Ray Barone: So. So, if he had never broken up with you, would you have been gladder?
Debra Barone: You're really crazy. You know that?
Ray Barone: No. No, no, no, no. How do I know? How do I know that I'm the one you want to end up with.
Debra Barone: Here's a hint, Ray. Our three kids!
Ray Barone: Yeah. Yeah. Our three blonde kids.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Dog (#1.19)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Ally it's dinnertime honey.
Ray Barone: See? For the kids it'd be great. A pet.
Debra Barone: Ally already has a hamster.
Ray Barone: Hamster. You can't play catch with a hamster. Well, you can but the hamster doesn't look forward to it.

Debra Barone: Ray, you know I love dogs but the last thing we need is something else that eats and poops.
Ray Barone: Okay, I'll stop doing one of those.

Robert Barone: You guys have any Maalox or something?
Debra Barone: What's the matter Robert? Did you eat something bad?
Robert Barone: I'm a cop and I live with my parents. I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Getaway (#3.21)" (1999)
Ray Barone: We'll be staying in someone else's house?
Debra Barone: They won't be there, Ray.
Ray Barone: I don't want to sleep where other people have slept.
Debra Barone: What do you think hotels are?

Debra Barone: Okay, so, are you gonna shower or-?
Ray Barone: What for?
Debra Barone: For the hayride.
Ray Barone: Well, how bad do I smell that I got to take a shower before being dragged around behind a horse?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Goes Downstairs (#6.6)" (2001)
Debra Barone: We can never have sex again!
Ray Barone: Whoa, WHAT?
Debra Barone: Look at your father lying in there hurt. And now, everytime we - I'm gonna think of HIM. Working on those stairs and all of a sudden his Little Bald Head dropping out of sight.
Ray Barone: Well, here's something you might try. Think of ME when we're having sex.
Debra Barone: We did this to him, Ray. We lied to him and now he has a broken rib. WE broke his rib. We might as well have rolled off that bed and ON TO HIM!
Ray Barone: HEY! You to put images my head? Because we MAY never have sex again.
[Nurse walks by and hears him. Ray says to nurse]
Ray Barone: Hey. Hi.
[to Debra]
Ray Barone: Look, this was not our fault.
Debra Barone: Yes it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% YOURS!
Ray Barone: Whoa, whoa! Where do you come up with those figures?
Debra Barone: Because you STARTED it! None of this would've happened if you didn't have to tell your friends what a be STUDD you are!
Ray Barone: Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear THAT?

Debra Barone: So, how's the rib, Frank?
Frank Barone: Okay, but I still can't burp the way I used to.
Ray Barone: Just stick to your rehab, dad.
Frank Barone: Boy am I glad to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
Marie Barone: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico to try and get some for the house.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: High School (#2.10)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon. Can you go get them?
Ray Barone: I just sat down.
Debra Barone: What are you, 80?
Ray Barone: What are you doing?
Debra Barone: I'm sorting the catalogs.
Ray Barone: Oh, God's work.
Debra Barone: Come on, one of us has to go.
Ray Barone: You go.
Debra Barone: I *always* go, Ray.
[the kitchen door opens and Marie walks in]
Marie Barone: Watch your step, Frank.
Ray Barone: All right, I'll go.
Debra Barone: No, I'll go.

Debra Barone: Oh look, "The Eagles Return To The Nest"
Ray Barone: Yeah, we were the eagles. Now where are the bald eagles?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener (#4.2)" (1999)
Robert Barone: If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.
Frank Barone: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie Barone: How could you mention that.
Frank Barone: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing
Marie Barone: I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.
Debra Barone: Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?
Robert Barone: [Robert and Ray both groan]
Marie Barone: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
Marie Barone: [looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings
[looks at Frank again]
Marie Barone: to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank Barone: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.
Marie Barone: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank Barone: That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie Barone: YOU'RE SELFISH!
Frank Barone: FAT COLLECTOR!
Marie Barone: Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!
Debra Barone: That's right!
Marie Barone: Debra understands
Frank Barone: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
Ray Barone: [He swings a fist in the air happily]
Frank Barone: That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Frank Barone: Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

Robert Barone: I stopped by Mom and Dad's for coffee. I couldn't take all the Mom and Dad. There's a vibe over there that gives me, I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps.
Debra Barone: Why do you go over there?
Robert Barone: Good coffee.
Debra Barone: Well how's the coffee here?
Robert Barone: [pause] Well when you factor in the vibe here the whole package is good


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Sitter (#3.3)" (1998)
Debra Barone: You know, I don't think I'm gonna have Lisa sit for us anymore.
Ray Barone: What? No! Listen, I never think of her, ever.
Debra Barone: Uck. No, idiot. God! No, I was just thinking... I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much. It just... It feels wrong.
Ray Barone: Wrong? What - it gives us more time to love each other. And if loving you is wrong... Baby, I don't want be right.
Debra Barone: Well, it just doesn't feel right to me.
Ray Barone: Come on. She's a great babysitter. It's what we always dreamed of. Come on. Look, because of her, you've got nail polish on. Don't you love that? I love it. Look at the little piggies and wee-wee-wee-wee-wee
Debra Barone: Stop it! No, you don't care about nail polish.
Debra Barone: I know, but - you wanna go back to the way it was with the kids covered in salsa and you wanting me to help? That's... I mean, that's... That's no kind of life.
Debra Barone: Yeah, but Ray, look, they are only young once. This is our only chance to enjoy this age.
Ray Barone: Well, what about my age? When do we get to enjoy my age?
Debra Barone: All right, okay. If we have to leave the kids with somebody, then you know... maybe it should be your mom. Because after all she is... family. Think of how your mom must feel with this. She comes over here and she sees Geoffrey and Michael and Ally playing with some stranger and they're having so much more fun with her than they ever had with... her
Ray Barone: Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then. Look, the bottom line is quality time, that's all. And by quality time, of course, I mean...
[Ray starts singing "Loving You" in falsetto]

Debra Barone: She is really hurt. I am such a jerk.
Ray Barone: You left some toys around. What? It happens.
[Debra starts crying]
Ray Barone: What? No! What? Please stop. I didn't mean *you* left them around. They got left around. Come on, the kids probably left them, the stinking kids
Debra Barone: No, Ray, it's my fault.
Ray Barone: No, no, it isn't
Debra Barone: Yes it is, 'cause I set her up. I just couldn't stand how much the kids wanted to be with Lisa. So I got your mom to babysit, so it... wouldn't go as well.
Ray Barone: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You told a perfectly nice girl not to come because you thought the kids liked her too much?
Debra Barone: Mm-hmm.
Ray Barone: And then you brought in Old Yeller to make yourself feel better?
Debra Barone: Yes. I'm terrible. I'm this evil person.
Ray Barone: I love this!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Talk to Your Daughter (#6.19)" (2002)
Ray Barone: It turns out that Allie didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!
Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?
Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.
Debra Barone: You what?
Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.
Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?
Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!

Debra Barone: Marie, religious scholars spend their entire lives asking this question. You're not just gonna be able to pick up a bible and find the meaning of life.
Marie Barone: Oh ye of little faith. That's in here too somewhere.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Article (#3.8)" (1998)
Ray Barone: What's for dinner?
Debra Barone: Fish.
Ray Barone: [Disappointed] Oh. What are the kids having?
Debra Barone: Peanut butter and jelly.
Ray Barone: [Intrigued] Oh?
Debra Barone: You're getting scrod.

Debra Barone: Come on, admit it. You're a little self-centered.
Ray Barone: Self-centered?
Debra Barone: Yeah, all you can see is how this news affects you. And can I tell you something? This isn't just with Andy.
Ray Barone: Where is this coming from?
Debra Barone: It's coming from those of us orbiting around you.
Ray Barone: You think I'm self-centered? Me? Me? Me? You know, I- I work hard. I try to make enough money to feed this family. I have to put up with friends who ask my advice and then ignore what I tell them.
Ally Barone: Daddy!
Ray Barone: Then I put up with traffic. Then I have to come home...
Ally Barone: Daddy!
Ray Barone: ...and explain myself to a wife who thinks I'm this self-centered guy...
Ally Barone: Daddy!
Ray Barone: ...which make me think that-
[Debra stares at Ray]
Ray Barone: I hear her!
[Ray turns to give Ally his undivided attention]
Ray Barone: What is it, honey?
Ally Barone: I have a thousand pennies.
Ray Barone: Did you see that Daddy was talking, sweetie?
[He begins to turn back around and then stops]
Ray Barone: And I would love to see those pennies later, okay?
[to Debra]
Ray Barone: Huh?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: A Vote for Debra (#6.20)" (2002)
Debra Barone: How could you do that to me?
Ray Barone: Well, I just looked at what both candidates brought to the table, and I thought Bill Parker...
Debra Barone: Bill Parker? You hate Bill Parker!
Ray Barone: I hate Bill Parker the man, but I just thought that Bill Parker the candidate had an interesting platform
Debra Barone: Shut up! I'm your wife. I don't care if my platform was... anti-puppy. You have to vote for me.
Ray Barone: But doesn't it say in the Constitution...
Debra Barone: I don't care what it says in the Constitution! You vote for you your wife! And since you you know what it says in the Constitution?
Ray Barone: I'm not gonna stand here and let you badmouth America.

Debra Barone: We all know why you didn't vote for me, Ray. Because you were afraid that if I win, I might get out of this house and you might have to get off your butt once in awhile and do something! You want me locked in this house. Your vote was a vote for slavery!
Ray Barone: I have always spoken out against slavery.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Homework (#7.3)" (2002)
Debra Barone: [Ray comes in the door] Oh, good. Get in there. Ally needs help with her homework.
[Ray turns around and starts to head back out]
Debra Barone: Hey, hey! Get back in here! Ray, come on. It's either help Ally or give the twins their bath.
Ray Barone: Alright come here guys. Let me look at you.
[He inspects the extremely dirty twins]
Ray Barone: What'd, you strike oil? I'll do Ally.
[He walks into the living room where Ally is sitting on the floor surrounded with books and papers]
Ray Barone: Hey, Popeye. You look like you're doing pretty good here. You don't need my help do you?
Ally Barone: Yes, I do.
Ray Barone: Okay. Alright don't worry. Daddy's here to help you.
[He picks up the remote and turns the TV on]
Ally Barone: Mommy says no TV during homework.
Ray Barone: Don't worry about Mommy.
Debra Barone: Turn it off, Ray!
[He obeys immediately]
Ray Barone: Alright, let's see. What do you got?
Ally Barone: I have to answer all these questions about Abraham Lincoln
Ray Barone: Okay.
Ally Barone: I have to do these three worksheets on fractions.
Ray Barone: Alright.
Ally Barone: And I have to make a diorama of a marine ecosystem.
Ray Barone: [He stands up] Baths! I'll do the baths. I'm gonna do the baths!

Ray Barone: Sorry to disturb you, Your Highness. But while you were up here reading your latest kiss handsome boys book and rubbing lotion on your bunions, peasants were downstairs trying to build an ocean in a shoebox.
Debra Barone: Are you complaining?
Ray Barone: Am I complaining. I just did homework for two hours.
Debra Barone: Well, then I guess that makes the score three million to two.
Ray Barone: What, are you keeping track now? That is so petty.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Counseling (#7.2)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Last week, Ray came home, late, from golfing. I guess golfing is kind of a "Hot Button" issue with me, and we had a fight.
Pamela: Ray, do you remember this?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I do, I shot a 94.

Debra Barone: Is it such a problem that I want my house to look clean?
Marie Barone: That's certainly valid. And Raymond, you of all people should know that if you want your house to look clean, Debra *needs* help.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: She's the One (#7.9)" (2002)
Robert Barone: I had to go out the window.
Ray Barone: Did she try to stop you with her tongue?
Robert Barone: It's not funny, Raymond!
[Frank laughs, then makes a frog tongue sound effect]
Robert Barone: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Laugh all you want, because I'm done.
Debra Barone: What do you mean, you're done?
Robert Barone: I'm done. I'm done dating. I'm done trying to meet someone. I'm done with humiliation. I can't anymore.
Frank Barone: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray Barone: She's not the one.
Robert Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Listen, listen. I Saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it.
Robert Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: What did you see, Ray?
Ray Barone: Angela ate the fly!
Debra Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Ray Barone: The fly, that was flying around... Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in the napkin and the she ate it!
Debra Barone: What the hell are you doing, Ray?
Robert Barone: Yeah man, what is your problem?
Ray Barone: I'm telling you, I saw that woman eat a fly.
Debra Barone: Oh, she did not! You must've seen something else.
Ray Barone: What? What did I see?
Debra Barone: I don't know, maybe it was a crouton or something.
Ray Barone: A flying crouton?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Canister (#5.19)" (2001)
Frank Barone: Hey! Is that Marie's canister?
Debra Barone: No!
[walks away]
Frank Barone: [follows Debra] Wait a minute! Let me see that! You DID have that canister!
[smiling]
Frank Barone: She's been going on and on about that thing like it's King Tut's golden undies.
Debra Barone: Please... Frank... d-don't say anything. If she finds out I had this thing...
Frank Barone: [chuckling] You're in big trouble lady.
Debra Barone: Listen, I-I'm begging you Frank. What do I do?
Frank Barone: [smiling] Give your heart to God cause your ass is Marie's

Marie Barone: Oh really Frank? Well here's what's not funny. THIS MARRIAGE!
Debra Barone: Marie, I...
Frank Barone: [interrupts Debra] Let her go.
Marie Barone: This is so typical of you and your *so called* sense of humor. You have NO respect for me whatsoever, and you never have! Well I promise you something, Frank. You will NOT be looking back on this little stunt as funny. I hope you're happy with yourself. You have RUINED EASTER!
[grabs canister out of Frank's hands and storms off into the kitchen]
Debra Barone: Frank, I don't know what to say. Why did you do that?
Frank Barone: I don' know, I didn't want that to happen to you. You're like my daughter.
Debra Barone: Oh,
[smiling]
Debra Barone: thank you.
Frank Barone: And she was gonna yell at me like that later anyway. I ate the back side of that ham.
Marie Barone: [in the kitchen and has noticed the back side of the ham] FRANK!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fascinatin' Debra (#1.21)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Alright, I know, I'm boring. But maybe I would be fascinating if I barged into people's houses 50 times a day.
[imitates Marie]
Debra Barone: Ooh, hello, dear. What's this? Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.
[imitates Frank]
Debra Barone: Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...
[imitates Robert]
Debra Barone: Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.
[increasingly frustrated]
Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
[everybody laughs]
Robert Barone: Do me, now.

Debra Barone: Dr. Nora thought I was boring.
Ray Barone: You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel' and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Turkey or Fish (#1.10)" (1996)
Debra Barone: We got to find a way to get away from your parents.
Ray Barone: I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.
Debra Barone: Ray, I'm serious.
Ray Barone: So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg in Tucson, Arizona.

Debra Barone: We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted, we won everything.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Wedding (#7.24)" (2003)
Debra Barone: You're dancing with me today, Jerkwad!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You haven't called me that since our wedding!

[Marie has given a speech about pushing Robert into marriage]
Amy MacDougall: [Turning to Debra] Did she do this to you?
Debra Barone: Honey, this is only the beginning!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Security (#8.16)" (2004)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: It's still doing it, Robert! Censor is going off for no reason at all.
Robert Barone: Yeah, well it can be a bit jumpy. You know, for just an extra $25.99 a month I can install ANOTHER one.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah. How about I install my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ...
Debra Barone: RAY!

Marie Barone: [Marie and Frank enter] Hello, dears.
Debra Barone: [to Amy] Why couldn't the alarm go off now?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Apartment (#3.11)" (1998)
Ray Barone: Robert's my brother. I just want what's breast for him.
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Hmm?
Debra Barone: You just said breast. I just want what's breast for him.

Ray Barone: Listen, nothing was going on, nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing would happen...
Debra Barone: I know.
Ray Barone: You do?
Debra Barone: God, Ray, I mean, come on. I saw those women. Like you had a shot.
Ray Barone: Okay, you're hurt, you're lashing out now.
Debra Barone: Listen, all I want to know is why do you have to lie to me?
Ray Barone: I don't have to, it's... just my way.
Debra Barone: "Robert's touch and go, emotionally speaking." Why don't you just say, "I'm going over to Robert's to look at pretty girls"?
Ray Barone: I got to be honest with you, it never occurred to me to say that.
Debra Barone: Yeah, that's right, because I would have said no. And you would have to stop living vicariously through Robert.
Ray Barone: That's right, vicariously. Vicariously, just looking. Not thinking, not moving, just thanking God for the blessing that is my beautiful wife while I hang pictures. Vicariously.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lateness (#8.14)" (2004)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Let me tell you. My father had a system: AIS. Like whenever we'd go somewhere, he'd set a time and he'd be like: "We're leaving. 9:00, AIS!"
Debra Barone: AIS?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ass In Seat. Whoever's ass was not in their seat at the designated time, that ass was left behind.
Debra Barone: So during the fall did you have to set your ass back an hour?

Debra Barone: You used to think I was worth waiting for.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: You were worth waiting for, but after 15 years you should BE here by now!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Humm Vac (#5.18)" (2001)
Debra Barone: A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie Barone: You know who says that? A messy person.

Debra Barone: Am I interrupting anything?
Marie Barone: Oh no. I'm just letting Frank's pants out again. It's in God's hands now.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Liars (#8.7)" (2003)
Marie Barone: You're eating candy? Where did you get these?
Frank Barone: They were sticking out of Ray's pants here.
Marie Barone: This is your pants that you wore last night. Mike & lkes? That's a very big box - the kind you get at the movies, but Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.
Debra Barone: Right. We got those at the hotel.
Ray Barone: Yeah, out of the minibar.
Marie Barone: What is the name of the hotel? Wait wait wait. Why don't you whisper the name to me? And then we'll see what Debra says - if it's something else. Come over here. Go ahead.
Ray Barone: [whispers very loudly] Ramada

Marie Barone: The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
Robert Barone: This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
Marie Barone: Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.
Debra Barone: Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?
Ray Barone: [flabbergasted] How did you do that?
Marie Barone: I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?
Frank Barone: Anyone?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Home (#9.1)" (2004)
Ray Barone: What's with you?
Debra Barone: I just haven't been over here since they packed. Weird, isn't it?
Ray Barone: Yeah. Closing day at the mental institution.
Robert Barone: Yep. Final clearance - all crazies must go.
Debra Barone: Come on. Come on.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: It's just not that it's actually happening, I feel...
Ray Barone: ...like ruining everything?

Marie Barone: Well, I guess that's everything.
Debra Barone: Marie, I want to say something.
Ray Barone: Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.
Robert Barone: Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?
Frank Barone: Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.
Debra Barone: [shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.
Ray Barone: Ow!
Debra Barone: Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.
Marie Barone: Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.
Debra Barone: Have a great trip


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Your Place or Mine? (#1.7)" (1996)
Debra Barone: [to Frank about Marie] Don't you see? You've got the perfect marriage. You need fudge and she needs to warm it up for you.

Debra Barone: Just remember, Frank, the supermarket can be a very lonely place. There isn't always going to be some lady on a plastic donkey to make you feel better.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Boob Job (#4.1)" (1999)
Marie Barone: So how was your party, dear?
Ray Barone: Well, it started out slow, but then it turned out to be best night of my life.
Debra Barone: Oh. Come on.
Ray Barone: Tell 'em what you saw.
Debra Barone: Nothing.
Ray Barone: [yells] Tell 'em!
Debra Barone: One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Marie Barone: Oh, I don't like that.
Debra Barone: And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
Frank Barone: What?
Robert Barone: What do you mean?
Frank Barone: Wait a minute.
Robert Barone: She just showed you?
Frank Barone: Both of 'em?
Robert Barone: Shirt on or off?
Frank Barone: With the brassiere?
Robert Barone: What were *you* wearing?
Ray Barone: All valid questions.

Debra Barone: I agree with Marie. I think a boob job is a totally stupid procedure.
Robert Barone: But fantastic when done properly.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Lucky Suit (#6.16)" (2002)
Marie Barone: [the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?
Robert Barone: Come here. Let me tell you about it.
Marie Barone: Didn't it go well?
Robert Barone: Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: I never said crazy.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ma, what did you do?
Robert Barone: She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.
Marie Barone: I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.

Debra Barone: Marie come into the kitchen. Robert maybe you should stay here and try blinking a few times


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Power of No (#9.14)" (2005)
Amy Barone: Why would Ray keep turning you down?
Debra Barone: For the power!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Brother (#2.3)" (1997)
Marie Barone: Your father's over there right now, trying to snap him out of it.
Debra Barone: Oh, what's he doing?
Marie Barone: He's yelling "Snap out of it!"


"Everybody Loves Raymond: How They Met (#3.26)" (1999)
Ray Barone: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?
Debra Barone: You know what she's yelling, right?
Ray Barone: Yeah, "habanadah!"
Debra Barone: She's saying, "Have a nice day."
Ray Barone: Oh.
[pause]
Ray Barone: Well, maybe she isn't crazy.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wedding: Part 1 (#2.24)" (1998)
[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Wallpaper (#5.3)" (2000)
[first lines]
Debra Barone: Don't you miss Italy, Ray? Look I took that right from Aunt Colleta's ballcony.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Wow, look at that lake. Next time we go let's swim naked.
Debra Barone: You know there's fish in there.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Okay, then just you.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Thanks (#4.9)" (1999)
Marie Barone: Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavor. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra Barone: Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie Barone: [exiting] You'd think so.
[Debra picks up a frying pan and starts charging toward Marie. Ray grabs the pan out of her hands]
Ray Barone: All right. There it is. The raising of the pan. Thanksgiving is officially over.
Debra Barone: And always with that little smile. She's so good at that.
Ray Barone: Yeah. That was like a drive-by.
Debra Barone: I should just tell her to...
Ray Barone: You know what you could do?
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: Gobble. Yeah, if you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.
Debra Barone: Thanks.
Ray Barone: "Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care" Gobble gobble gobble gobble!
Debra Barone: You know what? You might be right.
Ray Barone: What?
Debra Barone: Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother?
Ray Barone: Because that's how you deal with children. Yeah, okay... but normal children. This one's big and a little off her nut.
Debra Barone: No no. Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad. Maybe that's why she keeps doing it. I should just change the way I react to her. God, that's in every book.
Ray Barone: Books. There's nothing wrong with how you react.
Debra Barone: Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.
Ray Barone: Get in line.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Father Knows Least (#2.2)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Don't try that Active Listening with me! Where you do get off listening to me?
Ray Barone: Never happen again.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Frank Paints the House (#5.24)" (2001)
Marie Barone: Just let your father do this. Ever since he retired he's been around ALL THE TIME!
Debra Barone: But that's what people do when they retire.
Marie Barone: I know, but I never thought he'd live THIS LONG.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Italy: Part 1 (#5.1)" (2000)
Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Kicker (#6.11)" (2001)
Robert Barone: Hey Deb, I'm really sorry.
Marie Barone: I managed to throw the ball very well.
Robert Barone: Well, I thought Ray was cutting back towards the window.
Debra Barone: A CLOSED window?
Robert Barone: Well, I could tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.
Marie Barone: All right. Nobody believes you anymore, Robby.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sleepover at Peggy's (#7.19)" (2003)
Debra Barone: Just go and take Ally, okay? She's got a sleepover at Molly's.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Whoa! Molly's?
Debra Barone: Yeah, Molly's.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Isn't Molly's mom that Peggy? The Scout Master Nazi Cookie Hitler?
Debra Barone: Yeah, that's how she's listed in the phonebook.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Checkbook (#2.16)" (1998)
Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats, you don't stop to yell at the iceberg.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Visit (#3.5)" (1998)
Debra Barone: [to Lois] I want you to help or at least *want* to help. I want to be more like... like her!
[Debra points at Marie who is shocked but extremely moved]
Robert Barone: Like who?
Ray Barone: Like Mom.
Robert Barone: [disgusted] Why?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Standard Deviation (#1.4)" (1996)
Bernie Gruenfelder: All you have to do is type your browser to www.bernie.com and there I am straddling a jet ski. Oh sorry Ray. We know about computers but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot.
Ray Barone: [He looks depressed. Bernie laughs]
Debra Barone: Come on Bernie he didn't tell you about the test so you could make fun of him!
Bernie Gruenfelder: You know nothing about friendship


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Civil War (#2.13)" (1998)
[Ray is leaving dressed up as a confederate soldier complete with a Rhett Butler mustache]
Debra Barone: What am I going to tell Tom and Maryann?
[He turns]
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn.
[the theme from "Gone With The Wind" swells as Ray leaves and Debra closes the door behind him]
Debra Barone: Idiot.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Gift (#2.9)" (1997)
Marie Barone: [Frank has just gone upstairs to change into his stretchy pants] Okay, let's get the presents.
Ray Barone: What are you talking about?
Debra Barone: Presents? You told me we weren't getting him a present.
Ray Barone: I-He hates presents. Robert, what's going on? We stopped getting him presents.
Robert Barone: Well, it *is* his sixty-fifth birthday, Raymond. You didn't get him a present?
Ray Barone: I got him a card, a funny card.
Robert Barone: So no present from you.
Ray Barone: Well... The kids made stuff.
Robert Barone: But nothing from you.
Ray Barone: No.
Robert Barone: Dad, you coming down, or what?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Skit (#6.17)" (2002)
Marie Barone: Hello dear.
Debra Barone: What you doing there?
Marie Barone: Oh, this? This is called polishing silver.
Debra Barone: No, I-I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.
Marie Barone: Oh, please, stop hinting Debra. The silver is going to Robbie. It's already in the will.
Ray Barone: What's this? For Lee and Stan's anniversary party?
Marie Barone: Yeah, their forty-fifth. They are our dearest friends but I have to tell you. I never thought they'd last *this* long.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Bully on the Bus (#4.13)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Layman, Gayman go away man!
Ray Barone: BULLY! BULLY!
Debra Barone: Oh, relax.
Ray Barone: Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife why am I stuck with you for life!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: You Bet (#4.3)" (1999)
[first lines]
Debra Barone: Here's the ointment Frank.
Frank Barone: [begins unbuckling his belt]
Ray Barone: Hey dad, that's to go!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Vision (#7.10)" (2002)
Debra Barone: Robert did you get botox?
Robert Barone: Terrats
Ray Barone: Turd hats?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Prodigal Son (#4.14)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
[Ally hands Ray a drawing]
Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
Ally Barone: No.
Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fun with Debra (#8.1)" (2003)
Debra Barone: Where are you going?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I told you, I wanted to go golfing.
Debra Barone: Yeah, and I said "Too bad".
Raymond "Ray" Barone: I thought that meant for you.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Love You (#1.2)" (1996)
Debra Barone: I can't believe this.
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then go to the movies!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: No Roll! (#6.2)" (2001)
Debra Barone: [They are playing the game. It's Debra's turn. She reads off the board] Kiss your partner as if they are about to go off to war.
[She kisses him passionatly for about ten seconds and then stops. After a slight pause Ray pushes her down on the bed and climbs on top of her]
Debra Barone: Ray!
Ray Barone: Come on! I'm going off to war... I could be dead tomorrow!
Debra Barone: Would you just roll the dice!
Ray Barone: [He rolls and moves his piece] Tell your partner something they do not know.
Ray Barone: [He looks at Debra and then pushes her back onto the bed] I'm back from the war!
Debra Barone: Ray! Come on! Do you want to play or not! Take the question seriously!
Ray Barone: All right okay. This afternoon on my way home from getting the game I stopped and got a chili dog.
[He puckers up his lips expecting a kiss]


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Move Over (#3.20)" (1999)
Ray Barone: Look, the touching never used to bother me before. It's just - maybe it's 'cause I'm older. You know, things change. Like - like, now I can't handle anything hickory-smoked.
Debra Barone: Maybe you should get out of here, Ray. You never know when I'm going to touch you in a non-sexual way.
Ray Barone: Oh, come on, don't be mad.
Debra Barone: Don't be mad?
Ray Barone: Look, you want to know something? I'll tell you the truth. This whole thing is my grandmother's fault, Nonny Barone.
Debra Barone: Oh, yes, of course, Nonny Barone. The woman who brought dysfunction to America.
Ray Barone: No. No, this is gonna sound dumb, but every summer, we had to visit her in Yonkers. She had this tiny apartment. And - and Robert and I, we went to bed on the foldout couch. All night long, he'd be up against me. I couldn't breathe. I was, like, suffocating. And I couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything, because he'd wake up, and then he'd laugh and try to crush me. And - and if I screamed to stop him, Nonny Barone would come in and yell at *me* for the screaming. You know, so most nights, I just laid there awake. That's - I don't know. I've never gotten over that, I'm sorry. I never thought about it before, but that's gotta be it. You know, but listen, it's my problem, all right? You just - you touch me all you want. Cuddle, hug, snug. Do it all 'cause it'll be good for me.
Debra Barone: Oh, that's - no, it's okay. I mean, I didn't know that, so I'll try to give you some more room, okay?
[Debra rolls her eyes]


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Recovering Pessimist (#1.18)" (1997)
Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Christmas Present (#5.11)" (2000)
Marie Barone: What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?
Debra Barone: Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!
Marie Barone: I don't like that, Debra.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Needs Money (#7.6)" (2002)
Ray Barone: We did something for Robert.
Marie Barone: What did you do?
Ray Barone: He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
Marie Barone: You mean with money?
Ray Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: How much?
Ray Barone: A thousand dollars.
[Marie gasps]
Frank Barone: What are you two, idiots?
Debra Barone: No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.
Marie Barone: Why didn't he come to us if he needed money?
Frank Barone: Because we'd say no.
Marie Barone: I'm his mother. I'm the one he should have come to if he needed money. Raymond, I want to buy out that loan.
Frank Barone: No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Debra Barone: It wasn't a loan. It was a gift.
Frank Barone: I stand corrected.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Sex Talk (#4.4)" (1999)
Debra Barone: What's this?
Debra Barone: It's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Marie Barone: Why?
Debra Barone: Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
Marie Barone: Really?
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Marie Barone: Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions?
Debra Barone: What? Nothing.
Marie Barone: You know, they make robes that cover up a person.
Debra Barone: What?
Marie Barone: Yes, with a zipper.
Debra Barone: You know, I have to get back to my laundry.
Marie Barone: No no, I'm really serious, Debra. Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child?
Debra Barone: Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.
Marie Barone: But I'm her grandmother.
Debra Barone: Yes, but you're a person. You're a woman.
Marie Barone: I don't like this, Debra.
Debra Barone: She might ask about you and Grandpa.
Marie Barone: Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.
Debra Barone: Is that what you do when Grandpa aks?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Marie's Meatballs (#2.15)" (1998)
Debra Barone: All I'm saying is that given everything I do around here, why do I care so much that I can't make meatballs for my husband as good as his mother?
Ray Barone: Because you're a good wife.
Debra Barone: Don't you ever, ever call me that again.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: I Wish I Were Gus (#1.3)" (1996)
Debra Barone: [Ray and Debra stop Ally running through the house] Is that my laundry marker? Honey were you drawing on the walls again?
Debra Barone: [innocently] No I drew on Geoffrey
Debra Barone: [She walks into the kitchen and returns a moment later with Geoffrey. Under his nose is a black toothbrush moustache] Bad news for Europe Ray.
Ray Barone: [He grabs a tissue] I got it. See it's coming off. It's not coming off


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Ally's Birth (#5.25)" (2001)
Robert Barone: [Debra's pregnant] Um, Debra, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.
Debra Barone: What? What's that supposed to mean?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah what are you supposed to mean? You're seeing EVERYTHING! What else are you supposed to see?
Robert Barone: A HEAD!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: All I Want for Christmas (#2.12)" (1997)
Ally Barone: Daddy, what's an appointment?
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Well honey, an appointment is when two people decide to meet.
Debra Barone: Like going to the dentist.
Ally Barone: Oh.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: So, sleeping with me is like going to the dentist?
Debra Barone: Well, we both say the same things. "Sit back, relax, you won't feel a thing".


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Someone's Cranky (#4.21)" (2000)
Debra Barone: Only three more weeks huh?
Robert Barone: [depressed] Three more weeks.
Debra Barone: Oh come on try to say it like this.
[happily]
Debra Barone: Three more weeks!
Robert Barone: Well when you put it like that it doesn't sound so bad. Here let me try.
[mockingly]
Robert Barone: Bubonic plague!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Debra's Sick (#1.13)" (1997)
Debra Barone: Well Ray, Your mom's here.
Ray Barone: I thought she could come by and she could help you with the kids while I'm at my big meeting. Isn't that a good idea?
Debra Barone: I have an idea. How about I bite your nose really hard?


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Thank You Notes (#8.2)" (2003)
Debra Barone: You married into the Manson Family. And Charlie goes off sometimes!
Amy MacDougall: I didn't mean to argue. It's thank-you notes. It's so stupid.
Debra Barone: Hey hey hey hey hey. Look at me. You were great. Do you hear me? You can't let her get away with anything.
Amy MacDougall: But she's so upset. I don't want a bad relationship with her. I should go apologize.
Debra Barone: No no no no no. Hey, listen, that is exactly what she is waiting for. For you to go over there and say you'll write those thank-you notes. You have got to be strong. She is testing you. Trust me, what she just pulled here, that's her big weapon - the guilt bomb. And it doesn't help that all the men in her family are scared to death of her. Whenever she comes up against somebody with a backbone who might actually confront her, she's completely threatened and she gets her claws out. And so she has been allowed to rule this way, unopposed, for decades. Listen Amy, I have been waiting for you. This is a critical time. Even though this is a tough regime to topple, with you in the family, now we have a shot. You and me together, to end all the suffering. Do you hear me? We can do it!
Debra Barone: [to Ray] What is so funny?
Ray Barone: You're so nuts. You still, after 15 years, haven't figured anything out about this woman?
[sitting down]
Ray Barone: Amy, here's how I see all this stuff. Mom loves the family. She really does. And she thinks it's her job to hold it all together. Does she overreact occasionally? Okay. So she wants you to write a few thank-you notes. She's an old lady. What else does she have? Besides, before even giving up a drop of power, she will truly kill us all.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Traffic School (#2.21)" (1998)
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway?
Marie Barone: Well you fasten your seatbelt.
Robert Barone: Okay?
Marie Barone: You check your mirrors.
Robert Barone: Correct.
Marie Barone: You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you.
Robert Barone: Anything else?
Marie Barone: No I think that's it.
Robert Barone: Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it
Robert Barone: [he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy?
Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico!
Ray Barone: I don't know. That's awfully specific.
Marie Barone: Robbie that was thirty years ago.
Robert Barone: [as himself] I don't have a problem with it.
Debra Barone: Uh-oh.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Dancing with Debra (#3.24)" (1999)
Ray Barone: Uh, you're lookin' pretty spiffy there, You got a hot date?
Robert Barone: Uh, nah. I was over at the Holiday Inn. They have swing dancin' on Thursdays.
Debra Barone: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Robert Barone: Oh, it could have been, but before you dance, you gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman. Before you do that, you gotta stop throwing up in the men's room.
Ray Barone: What are you so nervous about? You've been datin'.
Robert Barone: Yeah, but that's datin'. This is... dancin'.
Ray Barone: So?
Debra Barone: Oh, yeah. I know what he means. Dancing is different. You're very vulnerable.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's a big risk asking someone if you can hold onto them for ten minutes.
Ray Barone: All I want is five, and I get, "Get off me, I'm sleepin'."
Debra Barone: Idiot.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Cookies (#6.15)" (2002)
Raymond "Ray" Barone: They bought cookies from your friend, Peggy Hitler!
Robert Barone: You have a friend named Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not my friend.
Robert Barone: But her last name is Hitler?
Debra Barone: She's not a Hitler.
Raymond "Ray" Barone: She invaded our territory!


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Why Are We Here? (#1.22)" (1997)
Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: The Toaster (#3.12)" (1998)
Debra Barone: Yes, Yes, this is a very hip, funky, badass toaster.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Working Late Again (#2.7)" (1997)
Debra Barone: You know, your mother was right!
Raymond "Ray" Barone: Oh, that's crazy talk.


"Everybody Loves Raymond: Fairies (#5.16)" (2001)
Debra Barone: Dressing the twins like fairies is not going to make them gay.
Frank Barone: Well, it's not going to turn them into Teamsters.