Jimmy Palmer
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Quotes for
Jimmy Palmer (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

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"NCIS: Keep Going (#14.13)" (2017)
Jimmy Palmer: Breena took Victoria up to her aunt's house in Syracuse this week, so I am a swinging bachelor.
Abby Sciuto: That explains it.
Jimmy Palmer: Explains what?
Abby Sciuto: Your lack of swinging lately. You've been pouting for days.
Jimmy Palmer: Have I?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah.
Jimmy Palmer: Huh. So much for my poker face.
Abby Sciuto: I mean, it's understandable. You miss them when they're gone.
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, especially this time of year.
Abby Sciuto: Getting your midwinter blues?
Jimmy Palmer: It's not blues. It's just... blah. It's darker, it's colder, minor annoyances seem bigger. I start questioning everything from politics to "why did I these itchy socks today?".
Donald Mallard: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can't resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice. If you're going through hell, keep going.

[acting on instinct, Palmer has joined a potential suicide on a building ledge]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Palmer! What are you thinking?
Jimmy Palmer: I wasn't thinking anything, Agent Gibbs. I just reacted and before I knew it, I was out here.

Jimmy Palmer: Listen, Ryan, I never thought that I would be a hero. Especially after I screwed up really bad a couple of years ago when I chickened out, but... then a very good friend of mine set me straight.
[flashback]
Donald Mallard: Yeah, there was a time when I thought I would be an archeologist.
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah? What happened? Why did you decide to go to medical school?
Donald Mallard: Well, although archeology carried a certain romantic appeal, I soon realized it wasn't in my bones, so to speak. You have to decide what's in your bones, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Not a spine.
Donald Mallard: Nonsense. You just have a... a... well-developed sense of self-preservation. You're training to be a medical examiner, not an NCIS field agent. I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death, but for the time being, I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.
[return to present]
Jimmy Palmer: And with that very healthy sense of self-preservation, I ask you to please stay alive, so that we can both die like heroes a very long time from now when we're old and gray, all right?
Ryan Smith: My dad was 53. He was an actual war hero. Thanks to me, he didn't die like one.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Palmer, don't you let him jump.
Jimmy Palmer: On it, Gibbs.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Torres] And you, do not let him fall.

Nick Torres: Well, on the bright side, at least there's no pigeons. They must have, uh, flown south for the winter, I guess.
Jimmy Palmer: Actually, pigeons don't fly south for the winter, Agent Torres, but I appreciate your bright side.
Ryan Smith: Hey, how long's he gonna be there?
Jimmy Palmer: My guess? As long as we stay here.
Ryan Smith: Unbelievable. I can't even kill myself without messing it up.
Jimmy Palmer: In your defense, I'm the one that messed this one up, so don't go blaming yourself.

Ryan Smith: This isn't the first time I thought about doing this. Dad was the only thing stopping me.
Jimmy Palmer: You didn't want to break his heart.
Ryan Smith: That and prove him right. I'd already disappointed him enough.
Jimmy Palmer: Your dad said he was disappointed?
Ryan Smith: He didn't have to. He, uh... he wanted me in the military, and I chose college. Then he wanted me to study business, and I switched to architecture. When I didn't get a job in my chosen field, he thought maybe we'd wasted my tuition.
Jimmy Palmer: Come on. Hardly anybody gets their dream job right out of school.
Ryan Smith: Did you?
Jimmy Palmer: I... I'm actually one of the fortunate few. Very fortunate, considering I nearly blew it on my third day on the job.

Jimmy Palmer: Every job has its ups and downs.
Ryan Smith: Yeah, I was just starting to feel like I was up when they canned me.
Jimmy Palmer: Hey, at least you were up, right? Something better will come along. It always does. When one door closes, another one opens. And, uh... it... it's always darkest before the dawn. And... and they define success by going from one failure to another failure...
Ryan Smith: Hey, what is this, man? Is this, uh, self-help karaoke?
Jimmy Palmer: Honestly, I got a million of these. I could do this all night long.

Jimmy Palmer: Now, I know it seems like some people have it much easier while others have it much rougher, but, uh... I think it's safe to say that there's no one who's had a tougher life than Agent Gibbs.
Timothy McGee: [entering the squad room] How does it sound? Reception still good?
Ellie Bishop: Shh.
Jimmy Palmer: Believe it or not, his wife and his young daughter were both killed on the same day. But you never hear him mention it. No, he just... buries himself in his work. And he builds boats in his basement. He'll kiss Abby on the forehead once in a while, but h-he's not exactly a hugger, you know. At least he's never hugged me. We all rely on him so much. That man has the weight of the world on his shoulders. You'd never know it. I really worry about him. But a... as tough as Gibbs is, on my darkest day, when our adoption fell through, Ryan... I lost my kid. Gibbs was the one who comforted me most.
[flashback]
Jimmy Palmer: Take it you heard.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hmm.
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, she, uh, she saw the baby and just... I guess she felt the same way we felt when we first saw him. Can't fault her for that, right?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should go home.
Jimmy Palmer: I will. Yeah, Breena and I, we just wanted to get all this stuff out of the house, you know. We wanted to give it back as soon as possible.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We?
Jimmy Palmer: Me. She's hurting, too, but she, uh... she is so much stronger. She's ready to try again. And, uh... and me, I feel like I can't breathe. I've never felt this bad in my life, Gibbs.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah. Just wait until it's 3:00 in the morning and your kid's running 104. You're just getting started.
Jimmy Palmer: No, that's the point. I'm not starting. You know? And... maybe I never will.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, then fight for it, Palmer. That's what you do. You fight for your family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one.
Jimmy Palmer: You want me to fight? I feel like I just went ten rounds with Joe Louis.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you want to be a dad, Palmer? Because right now, this is being a dad.
Jimmy Palmer: Maybe I'm not ready.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready.
[return to present]
Jimmy Palmer: And Gibbs was right. The best advice I've ever gotten. Hugs or no hugs, I... I will never forget his kindness that day. He cared. And Ryan, as tough as your father was, I'm sure if you think about it, you think of many times where he was just as kind.

Ryan Smith: I never questioned whether he loved me, I just... I wasn't sure whether he knew how much I loved him back.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, no, I am sure he did, Ryan.
Ryan Smith: No, I mean, we fought too much. Right up until today. All he wanted was to take me out for my birthday, and... when he found out I'd been laid off, he blew his top. Damn near caused an accident, he was so angry. So pissed off, he cut off a whole mess of cars in an intersection.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [listening in the squad room] Intersection?
Timothy McGee: What intersection?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where? Palmer. Ask him where. What intersection?
Ellie Bishop: Uh, Gibbs, it's a one-way speaker.
Jimmy Palmer: What intersection?
Ryan Smith: It was, uh... it was around Raymere and Holt.
Alex Quinn: How does he do that?

Ryan Smith: What do you want from me?
Jimmy Palmer: I want you to not jump.
Ryan Smith: This conversation's not helping!
Jimmy Palmer: I... I'm just saying that if you change how you measure success, you might actually opt for happiness.
Ryan Smith: What bumper sticker laid that gem on you?
Jimmy Palmer: Do you opt for happiness as an assistant medical examiner? Like you never wanted more?
Jimmy Palmer: Of course I wanted more! I... as much as if scared, but be... be careful what you wish for and all that.
[flashback]
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard's praise that day convinced me to finally finish med school, and take the M.E. test.
Ryan Smith: Really? What happened?
Jimmy Palmer: What do you care, Ryan?
Ryan Smith: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, fine. You got me. My dying wish is to know whether you passed the test.
Jimmy Palmer: No, I didn't. Not the first time or the second time. That's why I never told anyone at work.
Abby Sciuto: [in the squad room] I need to talk to Gibbs. Is he still in MTAC?
Jimmy Palmer: They still don't know.
Ryan Smith: Know what?
Jimmy Palmer: About the third time, when I passed.
Ryan Smith: You passed the M.E.'s test?
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah. I aced it. It was so strange. I... I had spent so long just trying to prove myself, trying to get ahead, and when I finally passed the test, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to go anywhere else. I didn't want to leave my friends. Especially not Dr. Mallard. I was happy where I was.
Ryan Smith: So you're an actual doctor?
Jimmy Palmer: I am. But still nobody at work knows. We got a special dynamic; I don't want to mess that up.
Ryan Smith: But you could go anywhere.
Jimmy Palmer: And I will one day. Nothing lasts forever. I have had so many friends come and go. And live and die. But where I'm at right now with Dr. Mallard and Abby and the rest of our team working for what I really think is a noble cause, why would I want to leave that? I'd rather be happy. So every day, I put on my scrubs or this... this old jumpsuit, I... I go to work, and I opt for happiness.

Jimmy Palmer: You know there's no failure in not killing yourself, right?
Ryan Smith: There's not much a future, either.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, sure there is. Future's coming with or without you. You might as well be there.
Ryan Smith: It'll be hell without my dad. No job. I... I got some okay friends, but none like yours. And look at the world. I mean, you turn on the news, and we're all so divided. Yelling and pointing fingers; there's so much meanness out there.
Jimmy Palmer: Stop looking for it.
Ryan Smith: Who's looking for it? I mean, you can't get away from it.
Jimmy Palmer: Okay, well, then you look around it. You look for the good. It's out there. I promise. I mean, i... if you find meanness, you kill it with kindness.
Ryan Smith: Oh, here we go.
Jimmy Palmer: You're damn right here we go. Open doors for strangers. You let a car go ahead of you in traffic. Who cares? Just smile more. And if you want good friends, be a good friend. They will find you, I promise.
Ryan Smith: Man, you could go all night. But you don't have an answer for my dad.
Jimmy Palmer: No, I...
[he lets out a frustrated sigh]
Jimmy Palmer: No, I don't. But I have seen more dead people than anyone you know. All of them gone too soon and none of them peaceful.
[flashback sequence]
Jimmy Palmer: We only get the "B" sides on our table. And it is every day. I also see their families, Ryan. Some of them let their loss just knock 'em cold. And they drown in misery, while others, they choose to make their darkest hour their defining moment. They choose to take something bad and turn it into something good. Like your dad did.
Ryan Smith: My dad?
Jimmy Palmer: When he lost your mom, he chose to put everything he had into you. Ryan... you are the something good that he left behind. Now you got the same choice to make.

Ryan Smith: That's my dad's wallet.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There's something in there you're gonna want.
Ryan Smith: [taking out a worn-out photograph] My senior thesis project.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Plenty of miles on that photo. He showed it off a lot.
Jimmy Palmer: He was proud of you.
Ryan Smith: Yeah.
Jimmy Palmer: And what was it that Dr. Mallard said earlier today? He said... "when you're going through hell, keep going."
Ryan Smith: [Jimmy lets him go] You know I never would have taken you with me, right?
Jimmy Palmer: I know. Let's go inside.
Ryan Smith: Okay. Thanks, Jimmy.

[last lines]
Jimmy Palmer: [entering Gibbs' basement] Agent Gibbs, you wanted to see me?
[focused on his woodworking, Gibbs remains silent]
Jimmy Palmer: Okay. Look, first of all, I... I didn't know that you were listening last night, and... I might have said some things, some... some highly, deeply personal things about you and your personal life, but I... I just shouldn't have. Gibbs, what I said about your wife and daughter... I was just pulling out all the stops. You know, and then once I got on a roll, I couldn't stop. And then I...
[putting his tool down, Gibbs gives him a fatherly hug]


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: So you saw a man with a gun and decided to chase after him?
Jimmy Palmer: No! I chased after him, *then* I saw the gun!
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: Can't tell if you're dumb or brave.
Jimmy Palmer: Not brave enough.

Abby Sciuto: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display in a department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with Apa-Filter.
Jimmy Palmer: How old were you?
Abby Sciuto: 22. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Jimmy Palmer: You have captured his essence pefectly. His... anger. His intent. Uh, his bloodlust.
Abby Sciuto: His likeness? It's his likeness. That's kind of the point here. You know what? Let's just start over. Okay, he was a white guy, right?

Jimmy Palmer: Did we learn anything about this guy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. But we certainly learned something about you.
Jimmy Palmer: Whatever it is. It's not what you think
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If the shoe fits.
[starts to leave]
Jimmy Palmer: Wait, wait! Where are you going?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: These boots were made for walking.

Jimmy Palmer: How do you do it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hmm?
Jimmy Palmer: Block out the fear.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.

[Jimmy pulls up to a suspect's home after being told to stay at NCIS]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What are you doing here?
Jimmy Palmer: I thought I could help.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What part of stay don't you understand? Stay! Palmer, you stay in the car!
[while Gibbs and the team are busy Jimmy notices the suspect about to escape and rams his car]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after disarming the suspect; yelling] What the hell were you thinking?
Jimmy Palmer: I did *not* get out of the car.

Jimmy Palmer: [about the passport he saw] Let's see. It was blue, dark blue.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yes, you've managed to narrow it down to the most popular color in the world.

Jimmy Palmer: How did you handle the first time you got shot at?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looks awkward] Well... I'm a highly trained federal agent so it's really not a fair comparison.


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You spent like 6 hours online last night. You need to unplug. Talk to real people.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, these are real people, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *Living* breathing people with lungs and skin you can touch and interact with. Gotta find you one of those.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Yeah, well. I got one of the other kind. Petty Officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
Jimmy Palmer: [Excitedly] Oh all right!... That is not an appropriate reaction, is it?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a surprising bit of editorial coming from the once-and-future king of Dorkland.
Jimmy Palmer: Hey. I now have a girlfriend.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The king is dead.
[Puts his hand on McGee's shoulder]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Long live the king.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He was thrown in alive?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty Officer was trying to be a good samaritan.
Jimmy Palmer: No good deed goes unpunished.

Abby Sciuto: I have faith that if anyone can dig through burnt out remains and find uncooked cellular material, it's you two.
Jimmy Palmer: [Groans] Remind me not to let you give a speech at my wedding.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [after Jimmy explains having disliked sand since itching excessive following playing in some as a child] Well it wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand might what?
Dr. Donald Mallard: The sand mite bit you.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand bites?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, sand mites might bite.
Jimmy Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: But medically found.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh all right!
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: That is not an appropriate reaction is it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know, Boss. I'm as shocked as you are, but *Ziva* invited the Gremlin up here.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't get him wet.

Jimmy Palmer: I need help, Doctor. I can't tell whether this is a metacarpal or metatarsal bone.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Neither. No, it's the lower extremity of a Lepus cuniculus.
Jimmy Palmer: A rabbit's foot?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah. Look at the markings here on the end. It's where the metal keychain cap was attached.
Jimmy Palmer: Huh. Someone must've been carrying this for good luck. I wonder if they can get their money back?
[chuckles until Ducky gives him a disapproving look]
Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. Uh, that was just a joke. And it was not a good joke. I realize that, now.
Abby Sciuto: [entering] DNA! I need more. I finished ID'ing the first four victims - ugh! - and I'm ready for a new batch.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, if you've finished your multi-species insensitivity?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing Jimmy trying to put ointment on an alergic reaction on his back] Dear God! Someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva David: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Jimmy Palmer: Turns out I am really allergic to henna, but I-I can't reach back there. So do you think you guys could...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [grabbing his bag and hurrying toward the elevator] I'm late for a squash game.
Ziva David: [hurrying toward the elevator] I'm sorry I gotta get the hell out of here.
Jimmy Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's what girlfriends are for!
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, yeah, ok. I can get the top part.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stay, stay, stay!
Ziva David: No please! It might be contagious.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pointing to Ziva] She'll do it! She'll do it!
Ziva David: I may have to hurt you massively. I may have to hurt you massively!
Jimmy Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva David: No you wouldn't!


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: The last time that Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed and then he cried... from laughing so hard. Then he got really quiet.

Jimmy Palmer: [to the team] You guys, he actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You are. Get off my desk. Grab your gear.
Jimmy Palmer: Ah yes. Duty call. I better call Ed and cancel.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hold on. You're not going anywhere. Family first.

Jimmy Palmer: Well, if you hadn't made that comment about her tattoos, we wouldn't be in time out. Six minutes left.
Ed Slater: You do know that there are jobs in the private sector that pay twice as much money, and still be home by 6, right?
Jimmy Palmer: Hadn't really thought about it.
Ed Slater: Well, maybe you start... and all I said was that girls with tattoos are easy. Everyone knows that.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Is that what you want?
Jimmy Palmer: Me? No. No. I love NCIS. But I want to make Breena happy. Doctor... what if this is the only way?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Breena would be happy if you are happy. Tell that to Mr. Ed.

Ed Slater: [Sarcastically as DiNozzo and McGee are leaving] Yeah. Good luck.
Jimmy Palmer: Why in the world would you say it like that?
Ed Slater: Why? The weather. The road closures. Because they're not gonna make it.
Jimmy Palmer: HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW? They're trained agents!
Ed Slater: Well...
Jimmy Palmer: You may not respect me or what it is we do, but you have to respect the fact that these people - *my* people are risking their lives.
Ed Slater: Well, when you put it like that.
Jimmy Palmer: There's no other way to put it. Until you learn that, we're not going anywhere! Sit down and shut up!


"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Jimmy Palmer: You are very, um... calm.
Abby Sciuto: I am. If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.

[as Ducky is wheeled out of surgery]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My glasses?
[Gibbs puts them back on]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, sweet of you to have held on to them for me while I went under the knife... it's ironic that the solution to one knife should be... Mr. Palmer, would you, would you finish that thought for me?
Jimmy Palmer: Sure, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, and you need to send for a substitute M.E. Uh, Jordan...
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor Hampton?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. On my desk you'll find her number, while I myself lie here getting much "numb-er."
[chuckles]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...
[He is wheeled out]
Abby Sciuto: Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

[Jimmy is trying to carry on in Autopsy by himself]
Jimmy Palmer: [speaking to the latest corpse] So... you're dead. Sorry about that.
[imitating Ducky]
Jimmy Palmer: Poor fellow... if it's any consolation, all indications are that you went out... with a bang.
[pause]
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, forget it.


"NCIS: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Jimmy Palmer: [after Ducky talks to his patient] Does it help you to - talk to them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, they're still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship.

Jimmy Palmer: [as he's putting the body away] I have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby Sciuto: [lowering her voice] No don't put me back in the dark!
Jimmy Palmer: [turning around] *Abby*! You made me almost... I...
Abby Sciuto: Made you almost what,
[lowering her voice again]
Abby Sciuto: Jimmy?
Jimmy Palmer: You know what.


"NCIS: Déjà Vu (#13.13)" (2016)
Jimmy Palmer: Ellie, it goes without saying but - this kind of stuff - affects me a lot more since becoming a father.
Ellie Bishop: I'm sure it does.
Jimmy Palmer: I mean this kind of evil in the world. people who will do this kind - how am I ever supposed to let Victoria leave the house?
Ellie Bishop: Pretty sure she'll leave the house eventually whether you let her or not.

Jimmy Palmer: [Bishop starts to leave autopsy] Bishop?
[Bishop stops, and turns around]
Jimmy Palmer: Get these bastards.


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Native Americans designed their pole so that the lower you were on it, the higher they held you in esteem. Calling someone "low man on the totem pole" is in fact a compliment.
Jimmy Palmer: So all these years, Gibbs has been complimenting me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Oh, I wouldn't go that far, Palmer.

Jimmy Palmer: [as they're defrosting a body] Heat wave in autopsy. Guess there really is global warming.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Groans] Autopsy is indeed topsy-turvy today, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Put that insidious device away, Mr. Palmer. This is a crime scene not a chat room.
Jimmy Palmer: Sorry Doctor. It's just - it's just that she texted me "yes."

Jimmy Palmer: I'm just test driving for my big date. I'm also trying on disposable contact lens.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Change is good Mr. Palmer, as long as you are the motivation for the change.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Ugh. Smells like a French whorehouse in here!
Jimmy Palmer: Uh, that's me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?


"NCIS: Engaged (Part I) (#9.8)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: They sure pack them in a lot of ice when they send them home.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Standard procedure, Mr. Palmer. Yes, these Marines made the ultimate sacrifice. The Corps takes pride in how they care of their fallen.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So do we, Duck.

Dr. Donald Mallard: I can assure you Mr. Palmer, for every moment we rest, the families of these fallen Marines do not.
Jimmy Palmer: I apologize.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Don't apologize to me. Apologize to them.


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ducky takes one look at a body] Something familiar, Doctor? Reminds me of... Gibraltar.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [exhales] Yeah. That... was the case.
Jimmy Palmer: What happened in Gibraltar?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's a story for another time, Mr. Palmer.
[closes the lid on the crate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Let's get back to the van, there's nothing more for us to do here.

Abby Sciuto: You *lost* a body?
Jimmy Palmer: I didn't lose him. No! He was - stolen, and that's not even the weirdest part. We showed up at the crime scene and there he was. I think Gibbs had something to do with it. And - and Dr. Mallard looks like he wants to kill someone. I don't want it to be me. So
[tries to move past Abby]
Jimmy Palmer: I'm going...
Abby Sciuto: You *cannot* hide here!
[shoves him out of her lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Please!
Abby Sciuto: No!


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Entering the lab] Hey.
Jimmy Palmer: She's in a foul mood... again.
Abby Sciuto: Palmer! I have guns in my Ballistics Lab. And I know how to use them.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [after Palmer finds something on the victim] Well let's see what it is.
Jimmy Palmer: I've prepared your instruments for you.
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, no, no. This is all *yours*, Mr. Palmer. Allow me to assist.


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
[after Palmer asks for a code name]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Palmer, how does "Blacklung" sound?
Jimmy Palmer: Like a horrible and painful way to die.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No one's gonna think less of you if you want out Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Really?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well no. They probably would... at least I know I would.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Nodding to McGee] He'll clean it up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll clean it up.
Jimmy Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby Sciuto: You'll *all* clean it up!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Come on. Gibbs doesn't use email.
[They see Palmer cleaning Abby's lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Hi guys.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've been set up.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah... I guess if I put an innocent man in prison the last thing I'd want to do is ask him for help... But I'd do it anyway!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, Palmer... again.
[DiNozzo leaves]
Jimmy Palmer: That's *Agent* Palmer.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cirque du Soleil. My mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer, to say the least.
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't we all?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers for quite some time.
Jimmy Palmer: Mark or Ignacio?
[Ducky gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: I-I followed Ignacio's career for quite some time and he was...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: Quitting, sir.


"NCIS: A Desperate Man (#9.13)" (2012)
Jimmy Palmer: [after encountering a classmate at a crime scene] She was very shocked to see me here. What's the big deal? So I work on dead bodies.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Or worked.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Seeing him reminded you of your upcoming vows. "Til death do us part."
Jimmy Palmer: [Palmer chuckles] Those words... they're so serious. Why - why can't it be something more fun like uh "Until we meet again" or "Until the next sunrise" or uh "Until you lose all your hair and gain 300 pounds and I can't stand to look at your anymore."
[Palmer chuckles]
Jimmy Palmer: You know, I'm kidding. Love is blind.
Dr. Donald Mallard: This is the most wonderful time of your life - enjoy it.
[Gibbs enters]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Hopefully, you'll only do it once.


"NCIS: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: Lay some tissue samples on me, Duckman.
[Ducky gestures for Palmer to do it]
Jimmy Palmer: So, light meat or dark?
[Abby shoots him an incredulous look]
Jimmy Palmer: Inappropriate?
Abby Sciuto: With a big dash of creepy, Jimmy.
Jimmy Palmer: It's my delivery. I need to work on that.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You did me a favor tonight, Jethro. Tonight is "SmackDown!" night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite program: wrestling.
Jimmy Palmer: Mine too. I love the WWE.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I haven't the heart to tell her it's not real.
[Palmer's face falls]


"NCIS: Tell-All (#8.19)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: [to his bluetooth - laughing] Not if I have anything to say about it. Hon, where did you say we're having dinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh "hon", the Commander cares little about your evening dinner plans, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Uh Brennna - Brenna, I gotta go. Have fun aspirating the bile.
[Ends the call]
Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. She like to have someone to talk to while she's embalming.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you should marry that girl, Palmer.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: If you keep in constant contact with your lover, she will get to know you too well.
Jimmy Palmer: Mmm. I don't follow.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You'll lose the thrill of discovery. The mystery of not knowing. Secrets - if handled properly - can be extremely alluring.


"NCIS: Caught on Tape (#2.15)" (2005)
[McGee's hands and face are covered with poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What I don't understand is how it got all over my face.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's the urushiol oil in the plant, McGee. Once it gets on your hands, it spreads to anything it comes in contact with.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well... then I have a major problem, Ducky.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Hmm?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I was out there, I had to... you know...
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, I don't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Relieve myself.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh.
[realizing]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh... well, uh, let's take a look, then.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [unbuckles his pants] This is, uh, this is kind of embarrassing...
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
[McGee drops his pants]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Good lord.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? What, is it bad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, no, it's fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much... swelling.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'm gonna have to quit.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, your secret is safe with me.
[Jimmy enters]
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I've got the new evaluation forms you req...
[He trails off as he takes in the scene]
Jimmy Palmer: I'll come back.
[Jimmy leaves]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Him I'm not so sure about.

Jimmy Palmer: What I don't understand is all this flesh trauma.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Coyotes, Mr. Palmer. If, as I suspect...
[He looks under the sheet]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Ah, yes. The abdominal cavity has been chewed open. The liver and kidneys are a rich source of nutrients for these creatures.
Jimmy Palmer: Well, that's, uh... gross, Doctor.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, we lucked out, actually, Mr. Palmer. In several cases, coyotes chew off the head and carry it away with them, to prevent it being grabbed by other predators. Yeah, my coroner friend in Los Angeles says that, "coyotes take it to go."
[beat]
Dr. Donald Mallard: They're very strange in Los Angeles.


"NCIS: Spinning Wheel (#13.11)" (2015)
Anthony DiNozzo: You're perfectly aware that Gibbs is capable of eating you, right?
Jimmy Palmer: It's a recurring nightmare - yes.

Jimmy Palmer: Wow. So all those places you've been, all those years you've travelled, you were looking for your brother.


"NCIS: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)
Jimmy Palmer: [at a sexual harassment seminar] Uh, what if, part of your job includes, touching naked people and...
Tracy Taylor: [quickly] Oh, that's inappropriate at any time!
Jimmy Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Tracy Taylor: Why are you touching dead naked people?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky won't be here. He's gotta take his mom to the hospital.
Jimmy Palmer: Is Victoria all right?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well she cut herself shaving, and for some reason he thinks you can handle this?


"NCIS: Scope (#13.18)" (2016)
Anthony DiNozzo: Angelini's. Ready?
Jimmy Palmer: I feel so silly. I can't believe I'm the only one without a motorcycle license.
[Palmer gets in the sidecar]
Dr. Donald Mallard: No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass.
Leon Vance: [Vance pulls up on his motorcycle] Gentlemen, let's ride.


"NCIS: Short Fuse (#8.3)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Guns usually speak to me. They tell me what I need to know. You, sir, are not co-operating.
Jimmy Palmer: [Entering] This is getting scary. Dr. Mallard talks to the dead. And now you're talking to evidence. Never mind.
Abby Sciuto: Well, it usually works with firearms. This one's not saying a peep.


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I've been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
Jimmy Palmer: And one of the first times I didn't get us lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: True.


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't you have pipettes to clean?
Jimmy Palmer: Always. Pipettes can never be too clean. Jimmy's rule number one.


"NCIS: The Artful Dodger (#12.17)" (2015)
Jimmy Palmer: Hey, Tony. Great to see you.
Anthony DiNozzo: How is the baby Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: Much better, much better. The doc confirmed it was a low-grade fever, but honestly, it felt more like a five alarm fire. There was a lot of crying... I cried a lot.


"NCIS: One Last Score (#8.17)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Liver?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Spleen.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Interest?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Psycho".
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't they all?
[Palmer chortles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The movie, Palmer. Disgruntled employee steals from the office on the way out of town. Stops for a little while and winds up dead, just like Marion Crane in "Psycho".
Jimmy Palmer: Spoiler alert, okay? Haven't seen it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've had fifty years to catch up on the story of Norman Bates!


"NCIS: The Penelope Papers (#9.3)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: [to Ducky] It's just all this wedding planning stuff. It just has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help. Everything I say... seems wrong. What should I do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just give her what she wants.
Jimmy Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life, Jim boy.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
[the M.E. van pulls up, its windshield splattered with eggs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Sorry we're late, only we had a run-in with some local youths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Doctor.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
[Palmer opens the van, letting out two teenagers in ninja outfits]
Ninja #1: Where are we?
Ninja #2: Are we in trouble?
Ninja #1: We said we were sorry!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [handing them Windex and paper towels] Right... clean it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were *real* ninjas.


"NCIS: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Palmer, I need a favor.
Jimmy Palmer: You wanna ride back with us.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How'd you know.
Jimmy Palmer: [irritably] I read your book. And for your information, I've never had sexual relations with a corpse.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That character was not based on you.
Jimmy Palmer: His name was "Pimmy Jalmer", McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's French Polynesian.


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Jimmy Palmer: If you're sure I'm ready, Doctor.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, the time has come for you to fly solo. The body is all yours.
[Jimmy takes a scalpel and bends over the body of a dead squirrel, but hesitates]
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard, I am suddenly overcome with a desire to share a story of only a peripherally relevant nature.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's a hazard of the profession, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Referring to bachelor parties] I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
Jimmy Palmer: Go on.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No. It's better he doesn't. Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh Jethro, can't I tell him about the time when - better I don't.


"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
[Palmer is trying to sort the assorted pieces of connective tissue found at the crime scene]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think it best to start with a corner piece, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Um, Doctor...?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Haven't you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? You always start with the corners. May I suggest the plantar fasciae?
Jimmy Palmer: The feet?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, and then build it up from there. The anterior vesiculus...
Jimmy Palmer: ...Of the ankle.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mmm-hmm.
Jimmy Palmer: And then the fasciae crusus of the lower calf. Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's a very helpful analogy.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And a fitting one, too, considering the original term for jigsaw puzzle was "dissected maps." So named by the Europeans in the late 1760's. They used to take maps and cut them up into irregular pieces for their children to reassemble.


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to Ducky] Cause of death?
Jimmy Palmer: Being shanked by a screwdriver didn't help.
[Gibbs and Ducky glare at Palmer]
Jimmy Palmer: I'm sorry.


"NCIS: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)
[Ducky comes in and sees Jimmy and Abby starting an autopsy]
Dr. Donald Mallard: What are you doing?
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard!
[stammers, then]
Jimmy Palmer: She made me!
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, well, everything seems to be in order. Why don't you begin while I get changed?
Jimmy Palmer: You're not mad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Work cannot stop, Mr. Palmer, because my mother's nurse chooses to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
Abby Sciuto: So, what'd you do with your mom?
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [following him in] Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!
Dr. Donald Mallard: We *did* go for a ride, mother.
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh... you drive too fast, Donald.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, we have to recover all of this
[the exploded soup from the crypt]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: .
Jimmy Palmer: One wet-vac for the solyent green coming right up.


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Jimmy Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, until now.


"NCIS: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Requisition replacement cell phones and weapons for my team. Go!
Jimmy Palmer: Pistols?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, no, Palmer. Crossbows, if you think they might work better.


"NCIS: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)
Jimmy Palmer: [during an autopsy of a badly burned body] I'm having a little problem with the smell today.
Ducky: Really? I think he smells like my mother's fried chicken.
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, that would be the problem.


"NCIS: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Where's the bathroom?
Jimmy Palmer: I know!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: First... A toast...
Jimmy Palmer: Dear God make it quick...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Amen!


"NCIS: Family First (#13.24)" (2016)
Ellie Bishop: Hey, how's Tony?
Timothy McGee: Uh, about as you can expect.
Jimmy Palmer: Anything we can do for him?
Timothy McGee: He made one request to do what Ziva would do.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Find Trent Kort.
Timothy McGee: And kill him.


"NCIS: Swan Song (#8.23)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: [Gibbs enters autopsy] Um we-we can call you when we're finished with the autopsy if you...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Leave him be, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Bikini Wax (#2.18)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Duck. DiNozzo and McGee'll be done in a few minutes.
Donald Mallard: Oh, no hurry. It takes time to do detailed and concise work. Mr. Palmer, here, finishes his work quite quickly.
Jimmy Palmer: [cheerfully missing the insult] Thank you, Doctor!


"NCIS: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)
[Ducky and Palmer arrive late to the crime scene]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I was facing the rear. My right was your left.
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I just turned the way you said.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [cutting Palmer off] You should've known 'right' meant 'left'!
[Gibbs opens his door]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm terribly sorry, Jethro. Mr. Palmer got us lost again.
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, you had the map.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You gave it to me!


"NCIS: Lost & Found (#5.9)" (2007)
[playing Pictionary on a small white-board]
Carson Taylor: Playboy mansion!
Jimmy Palmer: It's a school, Carson. Are you *sure* you don't know DiNozzo?


"NCIS: The Meat Puzzle (#2.13)" (2005)
[Ducky has discovered that the identity of butchered bodies are people associated with a trial he was also associated with]
Jimmy Palmer: Are you scared, Dr. Mallard?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Madame Curie, one of the world's most brilliant thinkers, once said, "There is nothing in life to be feared, it is only to be understood." I think it safe to say that Madame Curie never set her eyes on a meat puzzle. Yes I'm scared... scared as hell.


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: 'Cause he's not longer about method or clue-trail gamesmenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.
Jimmy Palmer: Situation?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr. Palmer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd say you're just more touched.