Timothy McGee
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Quotes for
Timothy McGee (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NCIS: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [last lines; as the team speeds away from the Chimera in the pirates' motor launch, a cruise missile streaks overhead and destroys the ship] Guess the Navy didn't want anyone to know the ship existed.
Officer Ziva David: How did they know we got off the ship?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think they did.

[in the abandoned mess hall, the team sees the left-behind "meals" being eaten by the crew]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, whatever it is must be pretty scary if it got them to ditch this delicious looking... what is this?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't ask me.
[Tony starts to say something]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's not a request, it's a *command*!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as McGee stumbles while taking photos] Steady, Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tell that to my stomach.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [leans down] Steady, Probie's stomach.

Abby Sciuto: You guys okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm dealing with my boat phobia. Tony's dealing with his rat phobia. And Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby Sciuto: So what's Gibbs dealing with?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Them!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know, the last time you were dying of a horrible disease, you were a little more stoic about the whole thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was younger then... carefree.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was two years ago.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Last time I almost died someone blew up my car! So that's twice I've almost died, and this is the *third* time! And bad stuff happens in threes! And I'm out of almosts! I'm telling you, man! This time I'm *dying*! I *know* it!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ok, but until you are actually dead, will you please help me fix this thing?

Officer Ziva David: Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [peering over DiNozzo's shoulder] Uh, yeah, I can see it.
[a large rat is eye-level behind DiNozzo. He turns around, sees the live rat, and jumps back in fright. The rat scurries away. DiNozzo exhales]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [smiling] Scared much, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stuff it, Mc-Barf-bag.
Officer Ziva David: It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.
Officer Ziva David: Cowardly, then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of bubonic plague, thank you very much! Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular Willard.
Officer Ziva David: What is a "Willard?"
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a movie.
Officer Ziva David: Mm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss.
Officer Ziva David: No wonder you're related.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You think Gibbs is creepy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She meant the social-misfit-made-fun-of part.

Officer Ziva David: Shh! Did you hear that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Officer Ziva David: There's something aboard... other than a rat.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do your astute, ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?
Officer Ziva David: In the Mossad, part of the training is to be open to things you cannot see, or even understand.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean the supernatural.
Officer Ziva David: Call it what you want, not everything can be explained by the laws of the natural world.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You believe in ghosts?
Officer Ziva David: I do not *not* believe in ghosts... or demons... or monsters. We *are* on a ship called the "Chimera."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought "chimera" meant a delusion or fantasy.
Officer Ziva David: In Greek mythology, a chimera is a monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a dragon's tail.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So you think they named this ship the "Chimera" because there's a monster on board.
Officer Ziva David: [dead serious] They-did-not-name-it-the-"Puppy!"

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What the hell is that noise?
Abby Sciuto: Brain Matter.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause] I love them.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Looks like someone tossed a lot of creamed corn to make room for him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't say that again, please.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tossed?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. Creamed corn.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [staring at his forearm] Anyone else feeling itchy? Maybe that's a bug bite.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a rat bite.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, no, no. Look at that spot.
Officer Ziva David: It's a freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a freckle.
Officer Ziva David: Freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never had a freckle there.
Officer Ziva David: You've always had that freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how would you know whether I had a freckle or didn't have a freckle? And by the way, I have never had that freckle!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [about cracking a high tech lock] It could take some time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're not going anywhere.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ok.
[Gibbs, Ziva, and Tony walk away]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you said you we're going anywhere.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Feel my head.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't want to. It's all sweaty.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly. I got the frickin' fever. I'm burning up, man.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The ventilation's off, Tony. We're all burning up.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looking through a bag] Transponders?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: From what?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: My guess, E-PIRBs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's my guess, too.
[pause]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are E-PIRBs again?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, pirates that weren't really pirates, who were actually Russian sailors, were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh-huh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva after McGee has thrown up] Five minutes. You owe me ten bucks.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's McGee?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calling Earl. Shouting groceries. Making street pizza. Technicolor yawn.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs, coming out of the bathroom] Found something.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lost something, too.


"NCIS: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Ziva hitting his abdomen] Do it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: As hard as she can?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: As hard as you can.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's how Houdini died.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Officer Ziva David: It is possible. I do not remember all of their names.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [makes a lot of grunting noises] Ok, do it!
[winces in preparation]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] Escaped mental patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Officer Ziva David: It has been three hours, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.
Officer Ziva David: He is not on foot. He's in a car.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Tommy Lee Jones speech *every* time we have a fugitive, really?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're dealing with someone on the run, you need to be able to climb inside his head. Think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did a one armed man kill his wife?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in "The Greatest Show On Earth"?
Officer Ziva David: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure. Just not your reality.

[Ziva stabs a can to open it for McGee whose shoulder was dislocated]
Officer Ziva David: Straw?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I'm good. I got the one arm. Thank you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe it was you, McGee. The one armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wrong case, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?
[Ziva looks confusedly at McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave him pain killers.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My fingers are fing-ing.
[elevator dings]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ooo!

Officer Ziva David: I felt overwhelmed temporarily, which does not often happen to me, when we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee exchange looks]
Officer Ziva David: What? What is this look?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You like him.
Officer Ziva David: I thought he was powerful.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You really like him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who are you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Officer Ziva David: I said that I *have* feelings. Not that I'm *having* feelings.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Ziva about Werth] Itching for a rematch?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?

Abby Sciuto: These people have read way too many sci-fi comics.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Some of these experiments are more fi than sci. One of them makes people glow in the dark.

Officer Ziva David: I want to see him.
Navy Capt. Dr. Adrian De La Casa: [shakes his head] He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She asked to see the patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? No funny movie reverence?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not funny.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Been working on my six pack, you know, abs.
Officer Ziva David: You and Abby have been drinking?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: To match your head.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sake bombs.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Oh, I see.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I barely made it out of there alive.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: And now you hope to finish the job.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, say words.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What you see before you is the DiNozzo defibrilator. It's been passed down through six generations.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: My family also has a hangover remedy. Jasmine tea with lime.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ugh! That's disgusting! Remind me never to have a hangover in Israel.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Referring to DiNozzo] Maybe we should go easy on him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think he'd go easy on us?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Excellent point.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee...
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rule number 38?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hmm.
[Rule 38: If it's your case, you're the Boss]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. "Hmm... maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead." There's our motive. We just need our killer.
[Ziva and McGee stare at him]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!
[Gibbs starts to gear up. McGee and Ziva are still staring at him]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Or in a week!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "The Burning Bed." 1984, Farrah Fawcett.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [enters, holding an envelope] "Hell hath no fury..."
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "Like a woman scorned." Third wife's favorite quote.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Reading a note] "Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found."
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Misery loves company.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who'd want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [of Tony as the boss] He walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like... He's behind me. Isn't he?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Smirking.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Good timing. How long were you standing back there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About two minutes.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looking at a body in a duffel bag] The seam split. I can't believe it.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I know. Discarded like a piece of trash.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I meant the duffel bag. I just bought the same one. I should have listened to the reviews. They said the seams were a problem.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee, the man is folded in half!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know. No, that is - that's a shame, too. Maybe I've been doing this too long.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who'd want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or its a frame up.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Jean Benoit?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Overseas, Maybe it was Trent Kort.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Are you detecting a trend here?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony does have a way with people.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got a cause of death, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, this cyanosis indicates lack of oxygen. That, combined with this ligature mark...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strangled?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, with a wire or cord. And then to finish him off, they stabbed him through the heart. Preliminary measurement shows a three to four inch blade.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing in the alley.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Room is clear, too.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you would know. It is your room.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Way to kick a man when he's down, McBackstabber.


"NCIS: Kill Screen (#8.16)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Gibbs hits his computer with a bat] Boss. That's - that's really not going to help.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, it helps me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just give me one second here boss. Almost got this fixed.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Slight pause. Then Gibbs pulls out all the power cords in his surge protector] Fixed!

Blake Martin: My company handles certain sensitive security issues for the Pentagon. I was assigned by the D.O.D. to investigate several breaches that have eminated from this office.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Really? Must be some computer virus or something.
Blake Martin: Or illegal hacking. You are Agent McGee, right? Your director assigned you to help me with this investigation.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Sure. Yeah. Sure. Happy to help.

Ziva David: [At a gaming center] Do you do this?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. It's too geeky even for me.
Passing Player: Hey McGeeminator! Heh! You ready for a rematch?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey... uh, no. Actually, I'm - I'm here working so -sorry.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still hiding behind your horoscope?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who said I was hiding?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The guy who's been working with you for the last 7 years.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee chuckles] Think I'd like the sarcastic Tony back now, please.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, he's not here right now. Just wise thoughtful Tony. And uh, you've got a lot more on your mind than just a horoscope. But there's taking it easy and then there's uh, being a dumb-ass - which is kind of my strong suit. But you like the girl, she seems to like you. What more do you need to know?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'll think about it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't take too long. Life's short. Just ask this guy... Found our programmer.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: We got enough, boss.
Blake Martin: ...Enough?... You don't have my fingerprints.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No... But we just got your confession.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after an explosion] Boss,can you hear me? Boss?
Computer: Third firewall has been breached.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can you hear me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Coughing] Hey McGee. You missed one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sorry about that.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, now we're going to have to shutdown the computer using the Unix command line.
Computer: 10... 9... 8...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now listen to me carefully -
[Gunshots are heard over the feed]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss? What's happening? Talk to me, boss. What's happening? Are you okay? Can you hear me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Game over.
Computer: 2... 1
[Gibbs shoots the computer again]

Ziva David: I would've like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working, you might get a second chance.
Ziva David: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost 3 hours before the firemen were able to open up the firedoors.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And you loved every second of it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about his computer] McGee! I hate this thing, McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Running] No! Don't shoot!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Corporal Zack Armstrong, 25, was a decorated Marine.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He was about to be deployed to Afghanistan. Before that, he served two tours in Iraq.
Ziva David: Which earned him a Silver Star.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He single-handedly captured the Nine and Ten of Clubs in the Iraq War fugitive deck of cards.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: High-profile targets.
Ziva David: With many just now being sentenced.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think the corporal's murder was payback for their capture?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he was tied to a tree while somebody tried to drive off with his feet. He certainly pissed off somebody.


"NCIS: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
[flashback: DiNozzo and McGee tackle a humongous sailor in a drug-induced rage]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [v.o] Our team consists of a gang of four. Tight knit. My partner is Tim McGee, small muscles, big brains, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable... virtually.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!
[the sailor pulls a knife out of his leg and raises it, only for Gibbs to appear, knock him down and choke him into unconsciousness with his boot]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [v.o] Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee aficionado and functional mute.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [panting] Piece of cake.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [panting] Simple as pie.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Smooth as silk.
[flashback to the present]
Saleem Ulman: And the fourth member of your team?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We lost her.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, really? Tony picks? Because, you know, coming from anyone else, that might be considered a lapse in judgement.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you both pick.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That makes much more sense.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't trust me to be professional?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No casting couch.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Referring to a prospective replacement] She's unflappable.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's unflappable.
[Candidate runs out of the conference room crying. Gibbs hands folder to DiNozzo]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strike one.

Abby Sciuto: And no one's telling us anything. So we have two options.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And they're both illegal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hack into Mossad...
Abby Sciuto: Or hack into Vance.
Captain Rebecca 'Becky' Hastings, USAF: Oh, that's it! I'm outta here! I'm done!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So much for the daredevil.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Forgot about her.
Abby Sciuto: Whatever... let's get hackin'!

Abby Sciuto: We've isolated the needle in the haystack. An analmoly, one specific characteristic.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Brand name import. Not easily available in Europe or Africa.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got all the way from the United States, at high cost, high difficulty.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: What are we talking about?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby holds up her Caf-Pow] Ta-Da!

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me. It had to be you.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're welcome. So, you glad to see me?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: You should not have come.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right then. Good catching up. I'll be going now.
[Starts to rise, then sits back down]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah, I forgot, taken prisoner.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Are you all right, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just glad you're alive.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [knows Tony is not paying attention] Been thinkin' about buying some tight red leather pants. You know something that really cradles my butt.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Thinking of Ziva's lack of communication] It's not normal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm kidding. I'm not really...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not normal we haven't heard from Ziva.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Petty officer Kevin Wingate. Disciplined for drug possession. Low quantity.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Personal use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of discipline?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sixty day restriction.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. He hasn't been off the boat?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not in two months.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he didn't get the dose on land, he could have cooked it up himself.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or someone brought it to him. Shipmates thought he'd kicked.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I guess he fell off.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [entering] We do not guess, Timothy. Nor do we assume, presume, conjecture, or prognosticate.


"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or, maybe it *was* just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
Officer Ziva David: Now there is a suspect list I would not want to run down again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you request this specific room when you called the lodge?
Lillian Hencheck: No we asked for the one with the eviscerated squirrels, but this was all they had.
Albert Hencheck: What the hell kind of question is that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Our last one.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it back, Tony. It was a gift.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: From who? Your wet nurse?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. From me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice calendar, Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Take a look at the blood drips on the wall. It's a little Jackson Pollock, but notice anything?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're emanating from a central point.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Step off, McFlower-Power.

Abby Sciuto: What self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Obviously, one who doesn't care about repeat business.

Abby Sciuto: The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.
Officer Ziva David: Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?
Abby Sciuto: No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I mean it metaphorically McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto: This is not my toothbrush.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby Sciuto: It's a ladybug tooth brush, McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J Lo Glow, not for a quasi-manly Federal agent who carries a gun.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.


"NCIS: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: I told you to destroy those... twice!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did. I did. No. I-I-I didn't... um, Tony. Tony- Tony must have...
Officer Ziva David: What? When you went to get coffee? You did not erase those photos, did you? Hmm?
[McGee sighs]
Officer Ziva David: Admit it! And I will spare you *one* of your eyes!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cole worked at a local carwash. Abby got a hit off his DNA. Two years ago he donated sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and Ziva enter] Ah the things people will do for money.
Officer Ziva David: You donated your sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't do that for money. Just to enrich the world. So, Boss I spoke with security at Quantico.
[McGee clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt? Let's see who the Boss likes better.
[Tony and McGee wait expectantly]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.

Abby Sciuto: Oh my God. That poster is right outside my lab. He was here. He walked right by my lab!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this isn't a flash code. It's h dot six two four.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this isn't a video. It's streaming live. He's outside Abby's lab!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after McGee falls down in Abby's lab] Again with the Krazy Glue?
Abby Sciuto: Consider yourself lucky. It was either that or hydrochloric acid!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: If we turn them both on.
Abby Sciuto: We can triangulate back on the killer.
[Turns and faces Gibbs]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Or you could just stand there looking at me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I'm not a god among men. You are! I've got it! Now my CPU's too small!
[McGee leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm gonna let that slide.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while trying to figure out the place of a murder] All right, now let's try the place.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A convent.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is that where they keep the killer nuns?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Some of the nuns I know can get very agitated.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Please tell me that you have something better than agitated nuns.

[as McGee walks into the squad room, Tony runs up to him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [whispering] Run for your life, Probie! Run!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are you doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm trying to save your life!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What did you do?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughs indignantly] Why do you assume it's me-? That's a good point, but in this case...
Officer Ziva David: [shouts] McGee!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Too late.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Put the gun down
Rose Woodhouse: I wish I could, please leave
Tommy Doyle: Shoot her, she's crazy!
Rose Woodhouse: I'm sorry
Tommy Doyle: Somebody shoot her, I don't want to die!
[After noticing the camera, Gibbs points his gun at Tommy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ah boss
Tommy Doyle: What the hell!
[grins]
Tommy Doyle: Dead switch, you shoot me, we all die


"NCIS: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)
[Abby's playing loud music and has locked herself in her office]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, open the door!
Abby Sciuto: I can't hear you, McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If you can't hear me, why'd you answer?

Abby Sciuto: You've been looking for a dog, Timmy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that dog tasted my blood, and I think he *liked* it!

Abby Sciuto: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent! He killed someone!
Abby Sciuto: Dogs don't kill people, McGee! *People* kill people!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People with dogs that kill people, kill people!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby Sciuto: Um, maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I'm a forensic scientist and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

Abby Sciuto: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, do not make a scene.
Abby Sciuto: Too late, McGee! I am in *full* scene mode!

Abby Sciuto: All right, I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was of the essence. And besides, Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.

Abby Sciuto: Who would shoot this cute little dog?
[she starts petting the dog, while McGee gropes for a response]
Abby Sciuto: Look at you...
[realizing, she straightens up, spins around and skewers McGee with a glare]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It-it was self-defense. It was self-defense!
Abby Sciuto: You *shot* that cute little dog?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's not cute and little! He's-he's vicious, and large!

Petty Officer Erica Perelli: [examining McGee's wounds] Looks like he bit you pretty bad.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've been bitten harder... by dogs. I love dogs. I'm a dog person, really.
Petty Officer Erica Perelli: What kind of dog do you have?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't yet. But I might. WILL soon. Very soon. I just need to find the right girl - dog. Girl dog. I want a girl dog. I do like boys though.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Don't ask, don't tell, McGee.


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hit my face on your door.
Abby Sciuto: Why'd you do that?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know, because the door's locked? That door's *never* locked. It's rarely been closed.

Abby Sciuto: Stop interogatting me, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stop acting weird!
Abby Sciuto: I *am* weird!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: How would he arrange for Lee to shoot Langer?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Easiest way.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Mole is
[Lee exits the elevator and walks to them]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: benign. Which is fantastic because I was a little worried. And so the dermatologist said "That's not a carcenoma. It's a beauty mark." Hey how are you Michelle?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.

Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard: Dead sailor in a box. Delivery manifest had no origin.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I gotta ask you this: Did you order a dead body?

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: What is this place?
Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard: That's classified.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Unicorn.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [when Tony's waiting for a phone call and staring intently at the phone] You know what they say about a watched pot, Tony.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: It calls the kettle black.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It never boils.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Palmer] Jimmy, I'm sorry your girlfriend turned out to be a Cylon.


"NCIS: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Officer Ziva David: Get anything?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech adviser on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Life and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

Warden Gene Halsey: All right, what's the situation?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Actually I've been told I can only deal directly with my boss, Special Agent Gibbs. They're watching us now.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: First thing, we have to find the murder weapon. I'm going to have to frisk you.
Angela Lopez: Frisk who?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All of you...
[no response]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who wants to go first...?
[no response]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So much for cooperation.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Need to find his killer.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. In a room full of them.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you seemed to have taken responsibility for your crimes.
Judy Williams: It's a mixed blessing. First few years here, I was angry at everybody. Blamed the world for my crappy childhood. Then I got in a Prison Program, training seeing-eye dogs. One day I'm training this puppy, and it hits me. I killed an innocent person who didn't do any harm... Now I can't wait until the day I die. So I can find that soul and apologize for the terrible thing I did. Look, I don't know if Celia did what they say. But if she did, I don't know what it'll take for her to face up to it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's it! I'm finished! I'm done. All right? You want to know who killed Trimble? Figure it out yourselves!
Celia Roberts: [to Angela] See what you did?
Angela Lopez: Maybe you'll feel differently if I TOOK YOUR EAR!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've never hit a woman before, but if you come at me with that thing, I *will* drop you!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Talking to his mechanic] Listen up, because this is what you're going to do. You're going to take the first estimate and take 10% off. Then you're going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow. Who would've guessed that McGee would grow a pair in women's prison.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [on the phone] I put away killers for a living. That's what I do. Now you do exactly what I told you, and we won't have any problems. Understood?... Good. Clock's ticking.
[hangs up]
Abby Sciuto: Wow, McGee. You're time in the big house really changed you. I *like* it!

[McGee has been ordered to get a convicted murderess to confess to another murder]
Officer Ziva David: There is no doubt in my mind that you will get that confession, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looks smugly at Tony] Thank you, Ziva.
[He leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's toast, isn't he?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.


"NCIS: Power Down (#7.8)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee and Ziva are stuck in an elevator] So the chain reaction knocked out power in half the district. PEPCO says they'll have it back online soon.
Ziva David: Cannot happen soon enough. I'm sure Gibbs is feeling right at home.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well you don't need electricity to used handtools or drink a bottle of bourbon.
[DiNozzo starts to chuckle]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...He's right behind you, isn't he?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo realizes Gibbs is behind him. To McGee and Ziva] Yes, he is.
[to Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, you know, there's nothing wrong with the occassional cocktail.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So how are we going to run fingerprints through AFIS?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or facial recognition software?
[to McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What is that?
Ziva David: Or access our photos on our digital cameras?
[Gibbs hands them equipment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ahh
[DiNozzo grunts. To McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to switch?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs] We found this in storage. We just need to find a brontosaurus who knows how to use it.
[Gibbs make a copy with the equipment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, that was very impressive. McGee, did you get that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then let's flip for it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last time we flipped, you used a trick coin.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We'll use your coin.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Fine!
[McGee goes to his desk. DiNozzo and Ziva start to leave]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I flip. you call it in the air. If you touch me, I automatically win and...
[Notices they're already leaving]
Ziva David: Sorry McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Meekly] Hey Boss, I was just...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Sternly] Just what? Just rubbing it in? Because he left you with the paperwork earlier?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Humorously] Huh?
[Normal voice]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You found anything?

Ziva David: [stuck in an elevator] It could be worse.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How?
Ziva David: We could be stuck in here with Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [through the elevator door] I heard that.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lieutenant Emma Paxton.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: According to her record, which I found in the annex misfiled in a box with a rat trap stuck to it, she works for AFE.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Armed Forces Entertainment.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a DOD agency that, uh, sets up concerts for military overseas.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, Tim, I think he knows what it is. She was a booking agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was she doing at SwiftCast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Appears to have been robbing the place.
[Tony laughs, then notices Gibbs' stare]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean why was she robbing the place.


"NCIS: Keep Going (#14.13)" (2017)
Ellie Bishop: Gibbs. Take a look. No skid marks.
Timothy McGee: Whoever hit Captain Smith never so much as tapped their brakes before or after the hit.
Ellie Bishop: Not even a swerving tire pattern to suggest he lost control.
Timothy McGee: So either we're dealing with the steadiest drunk driver in history...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or it was no accident.

Timothy McGee: Boss, we can set up a command post downstairs...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, there's no time. The squad room's three blocks away. The kid blames himself. Let's go find out who killed his dad.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do we know, Quinn?
Alex Quinn: Victim is Captain Paul Smith. 53, widowed, one child. Gulf War hero, and stationed here at the Navy Yard since May.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anything on the son?
Timothy McGee: I'm still digging. Uh, so far I've got Ryan Smith, 27. Listed as employed by Kelb Technologies in Annandale.
Ellie Bishop: Whoa. Check out his date of birth; that's today.
Alex Quinn: Guy lost his dad on his birthday?
Ellie Bishop: Hey, Nick, do you know if he's told Jimmy that?
Nick Torres: To be honest, I can't really hear much. Pretty noisy up here.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, we need to hear him.
Timothy McGee: On it.

Nick Torres: How am I supposed to stick this to Palmer if I can't even get close?
Timothy McGee: Okay, in the Boy Scouts, they have a saying: be prepared. I am prepared with a plan "B".
[he leaves and returns with a broom in hand]
Nick Torres: Huh? We're gonna tidy up?
Timothy McGee: No. We are going to attach this mini mic to the outside of the burger box, and push that to Jimmy.
Nick Torres: Well, what happens when they grab the burgers and they chuck the box?
Timothy McGee: Jimmy never litters.

Jimmy Palmer: Now, I know it seems like some people have it much easier while others have it much rougher, but, uh... I think it's safe to say that there's no one who's had a tougher life than Agent Gibbs.
Timothy McGee: [entering the squad room] How does it sound? Reception still good?
Ellie Bishop: Shh.
Jimmy Palmer: Believe it or not, his wife and his young daughter were both killed on the same day. But you never hear him mention it. No, he just... buries himself in his work. And he builds boats in his basement. He'll kiss Abby on the forehead once in a while, but h-he's not exactly a hugger, you know. At least he's never hugged me. We all rely on him so much. That man has the weight of the world on his shoulders. You'd never know it. I really worry about him. But a... as tough as Gibbs is, on my darkest day, when our adoption fell through, Ryan... I lost my kid. Gibbs was the one who comforted me most.
[flashback]
Jimmy Palmer: Take it you heard.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hmm.
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, she, uh, she saw the baby and just... I guess she felt the same way we felt when we first saw him. Can't fault her for that, right?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should go home.
Jimmy Palmer: I will. Yeah, Breena and I, we just wanted to get all this stuff out of the house, you know. We wanted to give it back as soon as possible.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We?
Jimmy Palmer: Me. She's hurting, too, but she, uh... she is so much stronger. She's ready to try again. And, uh... and me, I feel like I can't breathe. I've never felt this bad in my life, Gibbs.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah. Just wait until it's 3:00 in the morning and your kid's running 104. You're just getting started.
Jimmy Palmer: No, that's the point. I'm not starting. You know? And... maybe I never will.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, then fight for it, Palmer. That's what you do. You fight for your family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one.
Jimmy Palmer: You want me to fight? I feel like I just went ten rounds with Joe Louis.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you want to be a dad, Palmer? Because right now, this is being a dad.
Jimmy Palmer: Maybe I'm not ready.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready.
[return to present]
Jimmy Palmer: And Gibbs was right. The best advice I've ever gotten. Hugs or no hugs, I... I will never forget his kindness that day. He cared. And Ryan, as tough as your father was, I'm sure if you think about it, you think of many times where he was just as kind.

Ryan Smith: I never questioned whether he loved me, I just... I wasn't sure whether he knew how much I loved him back.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, no, I am sure he did, Ryan.
Ryan Smith: No, I mean, we fought too much. Right up until today. All he wanted was to take me out for my birthday, and... when he found out I'd been laid off, he blew his top. Damn near caused an accident, he was so angry. So pissed off, he cut off a whole mess of cars in an intersection.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [listening in the squad room] Intersection?
Timothy McGee: What intersection?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where? Palmer. Ask him where. What intersection?
Ellie Bishop: Uh, Gibbs, it's a one-way speaker.
Jimmy Palmer: What intersection?
Ryan Smith: It was, uh... it was around Raymere and Holt.
Alex Quinn: How does he do that?

Abby Sciuto: I traced the partial plate from the SUV to a car rental place in D.C. The renter is Edgar Stump. He's listed as a part-time handyman. He has multiple DUIs and a vehicular harassment conviction.
Timothy McGee: So he is just a road rager.
Ellie Bishop: He didn't even know Captain Smith.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Address?
Abby Sciuto: Better than that. I've got his GPS signal.


"NCIS: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [looking at the breakfast take out that McGee brought back] I said scrambled. You haven't gotten a single order right in 4 days.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're eggs. Eat 'em.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I don't like sunny side up. Sunny side up oozes. They look like eyes. They're looking at ya. I bet your burrito is just the way you like it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You want your eggs scrambled?
[takes container and shakes it]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're scrambled.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [talking over earwigs] I'm a sworn federal agent, Tony. I can't just stand by and watch a felony go down.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a good idea, blow our stake out over a $50 crack deal. If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly, I will.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, you're gonna slap me?
Goldilocks: If that's what you want, honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Bite me.
Goldilocks: That'll be extra.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [realizing he has ink around his eyes from the binoculars] You're a dead man, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't look at me, Raccoon Boy. It was Ziva.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: The camera's working fine, Boss. I don't know why... I would start a sentence like that.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [explaining his model] It's for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technological stuff to him.
Abby Sciuto: Good point. It's like whenever I try to explain something sciency and his eye glaze over and he gets that "will you shut up and get to the point" look. He's behind me isn't he?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
[Abby spins around to confirm it]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you guys shook on it. No more practical jokes.
Officer Ziva David: Do you trust DiNozzo?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Point well taken.

NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Ziva? Um, I'm not sure if I should say anything, but I saw Tony putting something under your car...
Officer Ziva David: *What*? When?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When, about an hour ago.
Officer Ziva David: Ha! I told you! I told you he could not be trusted!
[Ziva runs out]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: No, Tony just told me to say that.


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Ziva David: There's nothing good on the Internet anymore.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey boss, I got an article here that you may want to read. I can send the link to your email or text the link to your phone.
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or I can just print it out on paper and give it to you in your hand.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Revolutionary concept, McGee.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So McGee, do you know what killed Lt Commander Sayers?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I do.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You *think*, or you *know*?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know one thing, his jetpack exploded.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Jetpacks?... Yeah, it's going to be a weird one.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, gonna need to get a look at Tillman's financials. I'm gonna stay here.
[to DiNozzo and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You two - go out and talk to him.
Ziva David: So McGee is not coming to the jet pack factory?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ok, well, you get your homework done, and - and then you can go out an play with the neighbor kids.
[DiNozzo chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good boy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [DiNozzo and Ziva leave. To McGee] The price of being in charge.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can't believe the Mexican authorities dropped the charges against Colonel Bell. Colonel Bell. Wonder if there's any relationship to Bell Labs. Bell Labs: inventors of the rocket belt. Rocket belt's an amazing model. It's a catalyst that decomposes hydrogen peroxide into pressurized steam and oxygen. You get significant thrust from lightweight rockets for about thirty seconds...
[Gibbs nonchalantly slabs McGee's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I got it, McGee. You know a lot about jet packs.

Abby Sciuto: What kind of name is "Mallison"?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's "M. Allison Hart". I think they're missing some punctuation.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was his!
Ziva David: What was?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack. It didn't belong to either of the Tillmans, it belonged to Sayers.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He built his own jet pack?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack uses fighter jet engineering. That's the missing piece. Sayers ripped off the technology from both of the Tillmans and...
Ziva David: He borrowed from the Navy, as well, to build his own version, which used the best of all three.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it crashed.
Ziva David: So, it was not very good.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That was the intention. The intention was to crash. To dispose of the body where it wouldn't be discovered.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was pretty far off the beaten path.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Any decent pilot could have flown it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How about a great pilot? Sheridan wanted the job with Tillman. Petitioned the Navy for it.
Ziva David: But Sayers took that, then picked up a second one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sheridan loses out twice, probably doesn't respond well to that.
Ziva David: Gonna pull the squadron's psych profiles.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Let's double check their paperwork, scan their files for engineering backgrounds. Need to talk to Gibbs.
[McGee looks around and notices Gibbs isn't at his desk]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where is Gibbs?
[Tony, smirking, points his desk phone]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [on speaker] Right here, Elf Lord.


"NCIS: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
Tony DiNozzo: My head is spinning
[spins his chair]
Tony DiNozzo: with questions, so many questions, Gibbs came from somewhere, he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy
Ziva David: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's funny. I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
Ziva David: [chuckles] No he burst forth fully grown from the mind of Zeus.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nice.
Tony DiNozzo: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here. You want to be clever? I can be clever.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [describing Gibbs's behavior around his father] He's like a teenager, sort of.
Tony DiNozzo: I'm coming!
[to Abby]
Tony DiNozzo: I'm going! I'm leaving!
[starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Me too!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a lot of data to sift through, but I *can* tell who's seen it.
Jackson Gibbs: You can do that? You can tell everything I've been looking at?
Ziva David: What have you been looking at?
Jackson Gibbs: None of your business.

Jackson Gibbs: He'd spend all his time out in the garage working on some project. We didn't even have electricity out there.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Ziva] I can see it.

Jackson Gibbs: Does he ever talk about me, my boy?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I heard him refer to you once as dead.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: This is a pretty nice set up you got here, Mr. Gibbs.
Jackson Gibbs: Jack... You gotta stay up with technology, Tim. Otherwise you concede to time, inch-by-inch. Not that it's worth the while

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Tony gets out of the car grimacing and rubbing his arm] Pass a lot of Volkswagen beetles on your way up?
Tony DiNozzo: Abby cheats at punch buggy.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know.


"NCIS: False Witness (#8.10)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Handing files to an agent] Get these down to Archives ASAP. They've been asking for them for 3 months.
NCIS Agent: Okay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Agent McGee. Probationary Agent David. Good morning.
Ziva David: Looks like Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't sound like him.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last time you did an expense report for me, you reclassified my meals as livestock feed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, that was a little childish.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I got audited.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I guess that makes us even.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Great. Then I don't need to hear about it. Whatever it is.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The old knife to the neck. Reminds me of...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Reminds you of what? Reminds you of an old fraternity prank>? A Halloween movie?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know what you're doing.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And I know what you're doing!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What am I doing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know. But it's bugging me to such a deg-
[Gibbs slaps the back of McGee's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I know what we're not doing.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, Tony is a great investigator, don't get me wrong. But the closest he likes coming to filling out paperwork is renewing his Maxim subscription.
Ziva David: I know. Which is why I'm growing so concerned.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know what? Actually, I am too. He gave me half his french fries at lunch.
Ziva David: One of us has to confront him.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And tell him what? Why aren't you acting like a 14 year old anymore?
Ziva David: I was going to say more like a 12 year old. But *yes*.

Samuel Hayes: [to Matt Grey] Look, it's just a matter of time before the new DA refiles the charges, and I'll be back in court again. And you know what? I'll just save everyone the trouble and I'll plead guilty... Hell, I'll even sign the confession right now! And maybe we can just... pretend this never happened.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We may have to settle for pretending *some* of it never happened.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I can talk to the DA.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know what your doing.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know what your doing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What am I doing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know.

[Tony isn't acting like himself]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There's a giant, feathered turkey laying in the fridge, and that's all you're gonna say?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What am I supposed to say?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, I don't know. Maybe something like "What do turkeys eat on Christmas? Nothing, because they're already stuffed."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You feeling alright?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah! Are you?


"NCIS: Guilty Pleasure (#7.19)" (2010)
Ziva David: The man-mance is over?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We didn't have a man-mance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You had a fling.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Guys don't have flings, we hang out.
Ziva David: Things were hanging out? That's disgusting.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your husband is Lieutenant Justin Moss?
Emily Moss: Yes. I was supposed to come pick him up. He was meeting someone here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know who?
Emily Moss: Of course, he was with a prostitute!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ms Snow's been back in business for one hour, we've receive 16 calls, and none of them were Charlotte.
Ziva David: You know, you would think that United States Senators would use blocked numbers.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's good work.
[Gibbs tries to hug Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Wait... Could you give McGee my hug today? Because he really needs one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Gibbs turns and looks at McGee] ... I'm good Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You and me, McGee, we're done.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No argument here.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Charlotte, as he heads into the bathroom] Daddy's going to make wee-wee.
Holly Snow: [Watching from the adjoining room] Did he really just say that?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yes... That's him improvising.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Following Moss' blood trail up the hill with Tony] Why did the dead man cross the street? To get home.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah... You were funnier when you were fatter.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A good investigator doesn't sit around. He assumes everything he's been told is false until it checks out. I want you to check every possible lead, every possible angle.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When you tell me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No! When you're satisfied! When YOU'RE SATISIFIED!

Officer Ziva David: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, it isn't. If it was you'd be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And you'd be far better looking.
[McGee laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] You'd be dead by the opening credits!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work there.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks the back of McGee's head] She's not done yet.
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby punches his arm] What was that for?
Abby Sciuto: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I wasn't mocking your -
[Abby makes a fist]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It won't happen again.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, did you find her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, McGee. She's hiding in my coffee cup.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like my father always said, "Be careful who you marry, Anthony. She may end up being a homicidal maniac."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Officer Ziva David: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you think it was a hate crime?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. I definitely don't think it was a hate crime. In my experience there's only one color in the Marines.
Officer Ziva David: By what I've seen of your Marine Corps, it's ethnically diverse.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He means green, Ziva, and I think he's right.


"NCIS: Chained (#2.10)" (2004)
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: [video-conference on MTAC plasma screen] Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I've been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction.
Timothy McGee: [Plucking up courage] You're getting in the way.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: Excuse me, Agent McGee?
Timothy McGee: We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing, he's risking his life and your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent!
Timothy McGee: That is not true.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: That's what you told me.
Timothy McGee: Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffrey White is still with him. So Jeffrey White technically is with an NCIS agent, and therefore technically is still in custody.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: [Sarcastically] Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off.
Timothy McGee: Yes ma'am.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: And what exactly did Agent Gibbs...
Timothy McGee: He told me to... tell you to ... stick it.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: [with disbelief] You're telling me... to...
Timothy McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Ms Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
[indicates to cut link]
Timothy McGee: [MTAC staff break into applause]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] He wants you.
Timothy McGee: How'd he know I was here?
Abby Sciuto: [putting headset on McGee] Because he's Gibbs.

MTAC Control Officer: Where's Gibbs?
Timothy McGee: Who needs to know?
MTAC Control Officer: I'm the new senior MTAC control officer. Where is he?
Timothy McGee: Why, he is in the field.
MTAC Control Officer: The Director's office called. In five minutes, the Deputy Secretary of State, Anna Elliot...
Timothy McGee: Wha... wha... the Deputy Secretary... of the United States?
MTAC Control Officer: No. Norway.

Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I have been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're getting in the way.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: Excuse me, Agent McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing. He is risking his life. And your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is not true.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: That's what you told me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffery White is still with him. so Jeffery White, technically, is with an NCIS agent,and, therefore, technically is still in custody.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yes, ma'am.
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: And what, exactly, did Agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He told me to tell you to "stick it."
Deputy Secretary of State Anna Elliot: you're telling me to...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Ms. Deputy Secretary of State. Our conversation is now over.

[after McGee follows Gibbs' order to tell the Deputy Secretary of State to "stick it"]
Timothy McGee: I told her, the Deputy Secretary of State.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? How'd it work?
Timothy McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee!
[pause]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good job.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time she calls, tell her two words from the bottom of your heart...
Timothy McGee: What?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stick it!


"NCIS: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)
Ziva David: [referring to Tony] Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word "day."

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [as they're entering a car] That's original McGee. Is there any part of your brain that's original?
Timothy McGee: At least I have one, Tony.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: What's that supposed to mean?
[puts the key in the ignition]
Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're not going anywhere.
Timothy McGee: [exhales] What? Until I apologize?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No! Not until you apologize.
[gets out of the car and looks around the lot]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're in the wrong damn car!

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Hey! Finish that database yet, Probie?
Timothy McGee: Yesterday.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Well, it should have been on my desk yesterday, shouldn't it?
Timothy McGee: I didn't realize a compilation of nudie bars was that urgent.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Well, it is.
Timothy McGee: Why?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I don't have to explain myself to a junior agent.
Timothy McGee: Okay. Is this work-related or...?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [stands and advances on McGee] But will, just this once! It's a mercy mission, Probie. A buddy of mine is getting married to a particularly unpleasant beast of a woman.
Timothy McGee: So?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: So? So, the memory of his bachelor party will be the only thing that sustains him through the rest of his miserable existence.
Timothy McGee: I will print it out as soon as I'm finished with this.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: On behalf of men everywhere, we thank you.

Timothy McGee: Okay, the dead guy downstairs who we thought was impersonating Petty Officer Jerry Smith is actually the real Petty Officer Jerry Smith. And the Jerry Smith Tony and Ziva talked to in Norfolk turns out to be the fake Jerry Smith, and it's confusing.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Kind of like "the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle"?
[no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true"?
[again, no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Court Jester"? Danny Kaye? Come on, guys. It's a classic.
[Gibbs thumps Tony on the forehead]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who is he, McGee?
Timothy McGee: John Kirby. We lifted his prints from his desk at Norfolk.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: His empty desk. He didn't report for duty today.
Timothy McGee: He and Smith had overlapping tours at Jacksonville in '02. Kirby was discharged in '03.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Honorably.
Timothy McGee: Boss, these guys must have had this planned from the first day of Smith's new assignment.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think so, McGee? I'm gonna need Kirby's
Timothy McGee: Address. He lives on West Little Creek. Been there about a year. And the warrant.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, take a ride.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You got it, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get a BOLO out on Kirby with the FBI, local, and state.
Timothy McGee: Already done, boss.
Special Agent Ziva David: "BOLO"?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Be on the lookout."

[Tony mocks Gibbs' praise of McGee]
Special Agent Ziva David: Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on days of the week ending with the word "day."

Timothy McGee: [spots Gibbs coming] Uh, Tony?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [playing Tetris on his phone] Not now, Probie. I'm almost done with this level.
[Gibbs closes the phone and takes it from DiNozzo]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Find out what's in the case yet, boss?
[Gibbs says nothing and tosses the phone in DiNozzo's pop]


"NCIS: UnSEALeD (#1.18)" (2004)
[last lines]
Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs] Uh, by the way, there's something that Tony and Kate have been meaning to ask you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee! You never, never interrupt an interrogation. Understand?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [nervously] Uhh... uh yes, sir. I just... i thought-I thought... uhh
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: To have a 'thought,' McGee, you gotta be thinkin'. Were you thinking before you interrupted that interrogation?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uhh... I-I-I... I think so, sir?

Abby Sciuto: Is there anything you cannot find?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. A way to shut up DiNozzo.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony pretending to be Tommy Lee] Ladies and gentlemen, I want a hard target search of every residence, gas station, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse, and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Accent's still not right.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Damn!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's too Arkansas, Tommy Lee's more Texas. You gotta think more untamed... in your face.

Timothy McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Having fun at your expense? Yeah. Really a lot.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You think he swam?
Timothy McGee: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Leavenworth's in Kansas, the truck's from Missouri. Little thing called the Mississippi between the two.
Timothy McGee: Well, actually there's a little thing called two hundred miles between Leavenworth and the Mississippi. Try the Missouri.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, same thing. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.


"NCIS: The Penelope Papers (#9.3)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I remember one year, I think I was seven, spent all day making this huge card for my dad. Used paint, glitter, special paper - the works. I gave it to him that night, and uh, he handed it back to me and said "You can do better. Try again."
Ziva David: That is a terrible story, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's the way he is.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kind of makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are similarities.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.
Ziva David: That is disgusting.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The venier of impenetribility.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The skill at turning one word into a rallying cry.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Gear up!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Guess that's two words.

Penelope Langston: And I was the wife of an admiral for 40 years. Our pillow talk was enlightening.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Please don't say "pillow talk."
Penelope Langston: Okay, how about post coital embraces?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, you don't understand, once she gets comitted to a cause, there's no stopping her.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Can't wait McGee. Get her to talk, McGee - or I will.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs is questioning Penelope in Interrogation] You know something about Lt. Booth's death.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching from the side] Boss...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe you're involved with something way over your head.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe you're covering for the real killer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ENOUGH!

Penelope Langston: It comforts me to know that you're with such a good group of people. I'll admit even Gibbs has begun to grow on me a little bit. His cold despotic ways, really a part of his charm. Who knew?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, actually reminds me a lot of - you know - a little bit.
Penelope Langston: Yeah, in other words, he loves you but has no idea how to show it.


"NCIS: Defiance (#8.15)" (2011)
Adriana Gorgova: [about Gibbs] He souds pleasant.
Ziva David: That's our boss. A man of few words.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: To quote the agent that'll walk in here with him "a functional mute." I suggest you don't mess with him too much.

Ziva David: How long do you think we're going to be together?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You and Ray?
Ziva David: No, us. I mean you've been here 7 years. Tony's been here longer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I do think about that myself sometimes. I mean - Tony turned down a post in Spain 4 years ago. Careerwise, he can't do that again.
Ziva David: Do you think you'd want to lead your own team?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Yeah. Yeah. Someday sure.

Adriana Gorgova: [Adriana's in the bathroom] Tim, I need your help.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You decent?
Adriana Gorgova: You'll find out when you get here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Quietly to himself] This is not a good idea.
Adriana Gorgova: Tim!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this is all my fault. I take responsibility for what happened here. You'll have my resignation by the end of the day.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You break protocol, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No but...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm responsible. You're part of a team. You're part of *my* team! And I sure as Hell am not turning in my badge!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo pulls out an FBI Crime Scene Placard] One of his guys left this lying around. Very sloppy. It'll be like we were never here.
[DiNozzo enters the crime scene]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We are so screwed.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Defense treaty was just signed. Gorgova and his party are departing Andrews at 1345.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Adrianna with him?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm.
Ziva David: Wait. So she cooperates in her own kidnapping and then she gets off Scotch free?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Scot".
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Diplomatic immunity.


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [referring to her megaphone] Abby, do you really need that thing?
Abby Sciuto: Need, McGee? Reason not the need, McGee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You spent like 6 hours online last night. You need to unplug. Talk to real people.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, these are real people, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *Living* breathing people with lungs and skin you can touch and interact with. Gotta find you one of those.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Yeah, well. I got one of the other kind. Petty Officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
Jimmy Palmer: [Excitedly] Oh all right!... That is not an appropriate reaction, is it?

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Did you start looking... after we saw the judge... or before?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Before.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Right...
[to Gibbs]
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I was being facetious.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So was I.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gotta give you some lady advice.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rather get a lap dance from a nun, Tony.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [ID'ing a second victim at their crime scene] Well, no names coming up in AFIS. Oh, wait a second, boss. We've got a red flag here. It says to contact the FBI.
Ziva David: I think I recognize this guy. Isn't it...?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stefano Delmar.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Organized crime. Up-and-comer. Our petty officer stumbled onto a hit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This reminds me of middle school; when the smart kids had to check the dumb kids homework.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And which one were you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And that's because I anointed you King of Dorkland? Fair enough.


"NCIS: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie, you got the woods. I got the far side.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee hesitates] Uh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Poison ivy, Boss. I just- I look at the stuff and I break out.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't look!

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: You're not hacking C.I.A.?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. No. No. Homeland Security. They post a redundant C.I.A. archive.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: All right my - my superiors aren't going to like this.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't tell them.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [Chuckles] Smart and devious. That's a dangerous combination.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You forgot... charming.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [they just look at each other until-] I'm in.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [walking towards McGee] No I didn't.

[Abraham has been tricked into carrying a time bomb into a shopping center. The rest of the team and Col. Mann rush up to defuse it]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thirty seconds...
Officer Ziva David: Tony, Army knife.
Abraham Moussalah: [oblivious, to McGee] What's your name?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? Uh, Tim.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It means, "he who is about to wet his pants."
[Ziva disarms the bomb with five seconds left. Everyone exhales]
Abraham Moussalah: Why is he gonna wet his pants?

[McGee has poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When Gibbs told me to go check out the forest, I should have just told him...!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Told me what, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [panicking] ... No!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastic] Well, that probably would have been a good idea.

[Abby summarizes the evidence, while McGee applies balm to his poison ivy. She finishes]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [smiling blissfully] You're right. Gibbs is definitely not going to like this. But right now, I don't care.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [scratching himself] I have poison ivy, and it's killing me!
Abby Sciuto: My secret remedy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What is it?
Abby Sciuto: Carbonic acid. You just smear it on.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am not going to put acid on my... boys!


"NCIS: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
[Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about to track Gibbs's cellphone] Where is he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How would he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
[McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Checking the caller ID on his phone] It's him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We're dead.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Dashboard navigation systems from both vehicles in the park. Tracking where Siravo's men have been, see if there was any common location.
Abby Sciuto: You mean other than where they died?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Glad you could join us, McTardy.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where's the boss man? I need a superior to sign off on this.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Give it to me. I'm clearly superior to you in many ways.

Abby Sciuto: [looking at a video game] Captains of Industry 3. The completely unnecessary third installment of the not so popular sequel.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [sarcastically] Capturing all the fun of being a corporate CEO and building your own business empire.
Abby Sciuto: Not playtime, Elf Lord.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You got that right. COI3 was universally panned as '08's worst MMORPG.
Abby Sciuto: It sucks! So why was Perry spending up to 7 hours a day playing it online.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: He sucks.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, Perry was Siravo's accountant. Set up his living will after the motorcyle accident.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Used his power of attorney to access his holdings and begin building his network.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meanwhile, the public face of the empire would never be seen anywhere, but here on the Wall.
[whispers]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're the real victim here aren't you, Wall.


"NCIS: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I could not imagine a worse way to go.
Abby Sciuto: I could.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She planted herself on a barbed wire fence. What could possibly be worse?
Abby Sciuto: My top three are: falling in a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: The camera must've added about ten pounds to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [handing one of the models his business card] If you remember anything else that might help, please give us a call.
Officer Ziva David: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the marines to read it for you.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [arriving at a motel] Millions of dollars, a supermodel girlfriend, and this is where he stays?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [indicates a snazzy BMW] Well, he showed up in style.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I would've rather slept in the car.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I have something, Boss.
[pause]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you waiting for me to guess, Elflord?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: How did you track him down?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got an urgent call from the President.
[McGee looks confused]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: His Am-Ex records were in the fax machine, McGee.


"NCIS: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after McGee tells them how to locate some files] That the fastest way?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was worried you might ask me that.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: We never had this conversation.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after someone calls McGee Boss] "Boss"?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Looks up and notices Gibbs] Boss. I'm not really their Boss. They just, uh, call me that because I'm a... field agent. I carry the hand gun. It's good to see you, Boss.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We.l, it's not the same. We were a team. I would give this up in a heartbeat to be working with you and Ziva again!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And DiNozzo?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Yeah, him too.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well I thought I never say it and truly mean it, but it's good to see you, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I miss you too, Probie.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [as they're searching for a file] What do you see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A short life, McGee. Yours! If I get caught.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after ending video conversation with DiNozzo] He's insane!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.


"NCIS: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [talking to Tony after he killed an undercover cop] Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop. Gibbs was a Marine sniper. Kate protected the President of the United States. God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering, and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [trying to cheer McGee up] First time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Really?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really... If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: He was a metro detective. He was working undercover. I killed a cop, Boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby handcuffs McGee to a table] Well, where did you get these?
Abby Sciuto: [cheerfully] Never leave home without them!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: DiNozzo being nice to me, means I'm *really* in trouble.

[last lines]
Abby Sciuto: I ran every test I could think of. The slugs are too damaged. There's no way to tell who fired the kill shot... Does it really matter?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah... It matters.

[Ziva reports that Halligan has already flown to Morocco]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?
[walks out]
Officer Ziva David: His goose is cooked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [glumly] You would get that one right.


"NCIS: Enemies Foreign (#8.8)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I have hung a net.
Ziva David: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still won't stop you hacky types from stealing my numbers from the Matrix.
[Swipes his wallet over a device]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Look at it, it doesn't work.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's right. You should still be afraid of my kind.
Ziva David: And apparently 22 year old girls.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I refuse to be afraid of 22 year old girls. No matter what kind of magical pick pocketing device they're sporting. You know who the real victim is: artistry.
Ziva David: If someone wants something out of your pants, they should have to use their hands.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [as Ziva is using a device] You realize a 22 year old girl had this mastered.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: People mature much faster these days, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Present company excluded.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I gotta hand it to your father, Ziva. He has who knows how many guns trained on him right now, and he's completely oblivious.
Ziva David: No, he's aware. He is always aware of what he does. Not caring about the consequences is what makes him who he is.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: On the ground!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: NCIS!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't move! Don't move!
Hillary Lange: Don't shoot! It's just some clothes and, like, DVDs. I'll return them. What's NCIS?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [exchanging looks with McGee] I can't believe some people have never heard of us.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, what brings you to D.C.?
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: The cherry blossoms.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's in the spring, actually.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm afraid all we have to offer in November are elections and pardoned turkeys. I really like those boots, Liat. I'm not speaking too fast for you, am I?
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: I understand. You're very, uh... tongue-in-ear.
Ziva David: She means tongue-in-cheek.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't put words in the girl's mouth.


"NCIS: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The sadness when I hear you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean, like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What part of "Level 5 sorceress" don't you understand?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] All of it.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enjoy it while it lasts, women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...That's low, Probie.

[McGee has hooked up an old "Beary Smiles" toy to his keyboard]
Beary Smiles: Hi, there! I'm Beary Smiles! You're my best friend, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thank you, Beary.
Beary Smiles: You're very welcome!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, one more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off... AGAIN!
Beary Smiles: Gear up, DiNozzo! Got a body at Quantico!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't mess with me!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: That bear sounds very familiar.
Beary Smiles: Ya think, David? DiNozzo, bag and tag! David, witness statements! McGee, I ever tell you how brilliant you are?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, Beary...
Beary Smiles: I love you, McGee.
[Noticing Tony and Ziva's looks, McGee looks over his shoulder and sees Gibbs glaring at him. He types again]
Beary Smiles: Sorry, Boss.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why don't we just bring her in?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, what are we going to put on the warrant, Probie? "Gibbs's gut?"
[off Gibbs's look]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not that that wouldn't be valid. I'm sure that...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to her friends.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, I get it. You're jealous. You haven't had a date in a while, it's okay.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? Jealous of the Elf Lord? I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.


"NCIS: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Am I interrupting something?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just Abby's nervous breakdown.

Tony DiNozzo: [calling McGee] What took you so long? Were you sitting at my desk?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [obviously lying] No!
Tony DiNozzo: You're lying.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, what do you want?
Ziva David: Your advice.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You lost the Director, didn't you?
Tony DiNozzo: No!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now you're lying.
Tony DiNozzo: You *were* sitting at my desk.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: When are you back?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On my way.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What about Tony and -
[McGee's search completes]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we got a problem here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [scoffs] Just *one*?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I saw you two went swimming.
[DiNozzo angrily closes his desk drawer, and walks to McGee's desk]
Tony DiNozzo: What are you saying McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nah
[DiNozzo removes his jacket]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm saying I saw a picture of Ziva at the pool when...
Tony DiNozzo: Say it!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Say what?
Tony DiNozzo: I screwed up! You can say it, Probie.
[Ziva walks to McGee's desk]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not your fault.
Ziva David: Thank you.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [answering a call from Gibbs] Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after awkward silence] I know I typically dominate the coversation, but since you called me...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Jenny's dead. Yesterday.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear. I... I can't believe that it happened so...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She was murdered. Firefight.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Tony and Ziva?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not involved.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What can I do?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Five bodies... on their way.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I assume one of them is...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. Tell McGee, tell Abby. I'm gonna need them.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I know, Duck.
[Ducky solemnly turns to Abby and McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jenny.
[Abby gaps in horror]


"NCIS: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Bryn Fillmore: I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenille, and just plain old annoying.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's true.
NCIS Special Agent Bryn Fillmore: And you - you know better. But you're so busy playing faithful sidekick, you just go along for the ride. Well I've had enough! Make sure Agent Gibbs gets that.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Alan Sandich's fiancee is back in town.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo enters] And she's already re-engaged. Does that remind you of anyone Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long are you going to keep making those jokes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think that was actually the last time I'm ever going to make that joke. Sorry.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [seeing the awkwardness between Tony and Ziva] And... I'm gonna go do that... after I get a Nutter Butter.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking photos of the crimescene]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, you missed a shot there, sidekick.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm not your sidekick, Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughs snidely] And yet, you are.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I am not, because you're not the boss.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When Gibbs isn't here, I'm the boss.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [walks in] Gibbs is here.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, boss.

Jay Danorth: Is this about Eric Jurel? I already heard. Good news travels fast.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Good news"?
Jay Danorth: Well, he's dead, isn't he?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did you wake up this morning *wanting* to be the prime suspect in a murder investigation?


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, it's funny til someone plunges to their death.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh come on! Still with the height thing? You gotta get over that man!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You don't just get over irrational fears. They're *irrational*!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So we got a struggle and a dead guy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Struggle over what?
Officer Ziva David: Over the edge.

Jimmy Palmer: Did we learn anything about this guy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. But we certainly learned something about you.
Jimmy Palmer: Whatever it is. It's not what you think
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If the shoe fits.
[starts to leave]
Jimmy Palmer: Wait, wait! Where are you going?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: These boots were made for walking.

Jimmy Palmer: [about the passport he saw] Let's see. It was blue, dark blue.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yes, you've managed to narrow it down to the most popular color in the world.

Jimmy Palmer: How did you handle the first time you got shot at?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looks awkward] Well... I'm a highly trained federal agent so it's really not a fair comparison.


"NCIS: Borderland (#7.22)" (2010)
Paloma Reynosa.: You are correct. He was killed by a sniper hiding on a ridge almost a thousand meters from here.
Abby Sciuto: How do you know that?
Paloma Reynosa.: Because the killer left behind a message on that ridge.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What message?
[Paloma tosses a bullet to Abby]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Want to flip for the couch?
Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. It's not like we haven't shared a bed together before.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, technically, that was a coffin. And I'm just letting you know, if you and I sleep in this bed together. I am a Quasimodo for a week.

Abby Sciuto: I'm going to sleep on my lab table.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh come on, I said I was sorry.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, and you don't know how much.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What is that supposed to mean?
Abby Sciuto: You forgot to use bottled water on your toothbrush. This is *not* a room I want to sleep in tonight.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That wasn't nice. Why would you do something like that?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know. Why would you create a fake online profile last year and make me fall in love with a girl that doesn't exist?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Weak laugh] Can I get back to you on that?

Alejandro Rivera: Agent McGoo, no?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: McGee.


"NCIS: Bikini Wax (#2.18)" (2005)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Give it five seconds.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Until what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Until he notices there's a...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bikini contest!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking of photos of Jordan] In the article, Petty Officer Jordan said they were taken by her boyfriend.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought she didn't date.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, she was pregnant, McGee. There's only one way that can happen.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Does that say "Sex Wax"?
Abby Sciuto: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How does it work?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing their victim in a bathroom stall] That is one hell of a swirly.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A "swirly"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You take a kid by the ankles, dunk him in the toilet, then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, probie?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't think so. Noogies, sure. Wedgies, an occasional melvin. But, uh, no.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing. And the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I love the beach. Reminds me of college.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you went to Ohio State.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm talking about spring break, probie.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You didn't have spring cleaning in Israel?
Officer Ziva David: We do not have spring. Israel is a desert.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Referring to a body] He looks cold.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Least of his problems, McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Fornell just called. Abby's been... requested.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Requested?
Officer Ziva David: By...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He didn't know. He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to his desk] Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva goes to her desk] I have a contact in the DOD.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony's at his desk] BOLO on the FBI transport?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. I thought, maybe I'd just try calling her first.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Nodding to McGee] He'll clean it up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll clean it up.
Jimmy Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby Sciuto: You'll *all* clean it up!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Come on. Gibbs doesn't use email.
[They see Palmer cleaning Abby's lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Hi guys.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've been set up.


"NCIS: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [knocks on the door] Ms. DeMarco? NCIS. We need to speak with you.
[No answer]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [knocks on the door] Ms. Demarco, open up! We want to talk to you.
[From behind the door, they hear a shotgun being cocked, and dive out of the way as a hole is blasted through the door]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as they draw their weapons] FEDERAL AGENTS! DROP IT!
Linda DeMarco: [from behind the door, shouting] Did that piece of filth Cirraux send you? Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him...!
[peeks through the door]
Linda DeMarco: Did you say "Federal Agents?"

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, look at him.
Ziva David: What are you talking about?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's oozing a musky caveman-esque, primitive satisfaction. Like Heston in Planet of the Apes. And it didn't matter that that world was ruled by orangutangs, because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loin cloth. You pulled a total Heston, didn't you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know about that. It was only a few minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, sometimes that's all it takes in my middle-aged world.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined, but the paths we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of other to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be challenged. Everyman is born as many men, and dies as a single one.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, partial plate Vance gave us belongs to a stolen car.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not surprised.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Taken from a lot at Bingham Air Field outside Fairfax.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think I just read something in the paper about Bingham. Jason Cutler out of Van Nuys, California, flew his private plane across the country three days ago. After arriving safely in Fairfax, family and friends reported him missing.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell Abby; dust the plane for prints. It looks like we found Kai's flight.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So where's the pilot?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dead, most likely.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He was Kai-jacked.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you really just say that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I regret it already.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, your McSqueeze is here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Amanda? How'd she get upstairs?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, Security called. I said bring her on up. Surprise, surprise.
Amanda Barrow: Hey.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey.
Amanda Barrow: I got your text, but I wanted to say good night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Um, Amanda, these, uh, are my coworkers. This is Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And this is Ziva.
Amanda Barrow: Hi, there.
Ziva David: Hi. It is a pleasure to meet you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's lying.


"NCIS: Sub Rosa (#1.7)" (2003)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's she look like?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby. Sounds cute.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not your type.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, how do you know that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tatto your buttocks, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't... think so.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then we need never speak of her again.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Only half of 'em are true. Trick is, figuring out which half.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What are you doing here, Special Agent McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I brought my final report, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You do not have to "Sir" me, McGee.

[after Tony throws a rock through a window to gain access to a suspect's house]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's breaking and entering!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No that was breaking.
[reaches in and opens the door]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is entering.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Remember that urge you were talking about?


"NCIS: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Anthony DiNozzo: [as Gibbs arrives at the hospital] Looks like you and I were the only ones flying solo last night, McGee.
Timothy McGee: Speak for yourself.

Timothy McGee: What am I missing?
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Paula Cassidy is a rather attractive agent that DiNozzo drooled all over last year when we were at Gitmo.
Anthony DiNozzo: Enough talk, Agent Todd.
[uses his mouth spray]
Anthony DiNozzo: Let's go.

Abby Sciuto: And the spectrometer found minute traces of antimony sulfide and potassium chlorate on both.
Timothy McGee: Matches.
Abby Sciuto: Light my fire, McGee!

Anthony DiNozzo: You don't really expect me to take advice about women from you, do you?
Timothy McGee: Well, I could stay here and argue the point, but I have a date.


"NCIS: Patriot Down (#7.23)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah graduation. For many an alcohol-induced purple haze.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Easy there, Hendrix. It'll pass.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wow. Agent Macy's personal notes. There's years of them here. All dating back to when she was an MP at Pendleton.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Box it. All of it, McGee. Check the dates. See if anything's missing. Try to figure out what this guy's looking for.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Anything in particular.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Just check it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you're a woman - what would you do?
Ziva David: I'm different. After torturing them til they cry like babies, I would castrate them. Give them what they deserve.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Elisabeth Macy: Did you know my daughter well?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, unfortunately, I only got to meet her one time.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She was an outstanding agent. Good person.


"NCIS: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
[Harvey the security guard grabs something out of his holster]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a taser, Harvey.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot, non-fatal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are five of us.
[Harvey promptly tasers McGee]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [rubbing his feet on the carpet as he walks up to McGee, in a singsong voice] Friction makes a static charge.
[shocks McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Would you stop that? I'm still humming from the Taser.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [speaking of Quinn's daughter] How'd she know we found him?
Abby Sciuto: Well, she might've figured it out when I called her, and told her.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: The alarm was deactivated at 2:17 AM this morning. Between the time Kemp sealed the house and you...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Broke in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, I was going to say "gained unauthorized access." Alarm was activated 4 minutes later.


"NCIS: See No Evil (#2.1)" (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: McGee, can't you tell when somebody's kidding with you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I used to, and then I met you guys.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: If you want to work with Gibbs, then you're going to have to get over that. Trust me, I know.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Damn, McGee! Why are you still here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Uh, the, the, the contractors, they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It, it's a union thing. So...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So-o-o-o... you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around, all day, by yourself?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [standing behind Gibbs] Man asked you a question.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Why, uh, no, I just, I wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he could use a workout.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, it... it... it's not that difficult. So I, uh, I guess I could do it myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good answer.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, I got some good new, and some bad news for you. - You've just been promoted
[holds up envelope with McGee's promotion]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: to a full time field agent.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You belong to *me* now!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.


"NCIS: Collateral Damage (#6.7)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony's still hitting on the new recruits, huh?
Officer Ziva David: Ignorant, hopeful, and eager to please.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What recruit isn't?
Officer Ziva David: I was not talking about the recruit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after finding out what the robbers did with the money] Time, money futility. Sounds like one of McGee's date nights.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not futility, it was by design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where have I heard that before?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, just. Let me do it. Let me do it, please. Okay? You handle this like your car.
Officer Ziva David: And if you ever want to handle anything every again remove your hand from my *mouse*!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Wilson while watching DiNozzo in interrogation] Tony has his own style sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone cop.


"NCIS: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Speaking of snipers, has anyone seen Gibbs?
[Abby enters with a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found, Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A, there are thousands of guns on a Navy Base...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And B, you're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, what if I told you the base MPs gave me the gun to test?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call-out.
Abby Sciuto: And the gun was found under a kid's bed, and it was loaded.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Still does not warrant a call-out.
Abby Sciuto: [takes a sip of Gibbs's coffee, and grimaces] Ugh! And it was recently fired.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee, Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It's not a call-out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team gears up]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip...
[hands him the coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink the swill.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Speaking of a magazine] You know what my father would've done to me if he found this in my room?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stolen it back?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Slap me in the side of the head with it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That sounds vaguely familiar.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah, I forgot. Old man McGee was Navy, wasn't he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's right... Yep. This was my childhood. It's just like these kids.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which one were you: the skinny one, the quiet one, or the one with the hot mom?
[Realizes the mothers are behind him within earshot]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boys!
[DiNozzo runs after the boys]

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them, I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted, hickory-shafted, vintage golf clubs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Notices Ducky standing nearby] I think you just did.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky walks closer] Let's just call it even, Timothy. That Jazz albumn that I borrowed from you?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good question.
[Ducky leaves]


"NCIS: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony said that if I really want to go, then I shouldn't volunteer. But if he says that I shouldn't volunteer, then he thinks I will volunteer. Which means if I really want to go, I shouldn't volunteer.
Abby Sciuto: That's... good, Timmy. That sounds like you're doing exactly what you... shouldn't.

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [rising] Yes, sir!
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Disappointed. You're the *only* one who didn't volunteer. Missions like this give an agent opportunities to prove themselves.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But uh, Tony, he didn't volunteer either.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: He spoke to me earlier.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Iraq's not so great. I mean the whole trip is probably a big waste of time. The murderer is probably right here.
Officer Ziva David: Awfully long gun barrel if that is true.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So um, you got any leads on Ali's whereabouts?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, you're in the same city as him! We're ten Time Zones away! Why did you go to Iraq again?
Marine Major Ike Varnai: Good question!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well let us know. And put my Kill Bill Mug *back* on my desk, McGee!


"NCIS: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)
[Ducky is undercover as "Harrow"]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [over radio] Get the diamonds.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Rene, aren't you forgetting something?
La Grenouille: [regarding the bottle of Napoleon brandy] Ah, my bottle of history is yours, my friend. Add to it well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't know what to say...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard, Special Agent Timothy McGee: [over radio] GIVE ME THE DIAMONDS!

Officer Ziva David: I told you I couldn't program the navigator. I'm a *driver*!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva, I've driven with you before. I'd rather be lost than dead.

[after Harrow suffers a fatal heart attack while running from Ziva and McGee]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way!Right, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right Director, they could've...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shot him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right. They could've shot him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Of course, in a high-octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Officer Ziva David: Three rounds.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Added three more.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See? There you go. Six rounds, same result: one dead Mr. Harrow.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can you do this to anyone's email?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, because it's highly illegal. And I'm not even doing it now... Okay, we're in.


"NCIS: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come on, we have work to do.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We can't investigate the FBI's case!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're going to investigate the FBI.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: How'd you get the boat out?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Broke the bottle.

Officer Ziva David: [in Gibbs' basement with wires strung from the ceiling] Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only Jethro is allowed to call me that.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no, Ducky. I think she meant duck.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [about Gibbs' computer] This thing is so ancient, it doesn't even *have* the protocols modern-day security systems defend against.


"NCIS: One Last Score (#8.17)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Time to hit the showers.
Ziva David: Is your shower not working?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why? Do I smell?
Ziva David: I cannot smell you from there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And you're part bloodhound.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I shower 3 times a week... like Brad Pitt. Preserves my natural aroma.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boy, Director Vance wasn't kidding about making changes.
Ziva David: We are going to lose some people
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Elevator door opens revealing Gibbs] We already have. NCIS investigative assistant found dead in the garage. Good you got your gear. Come on, let's go.
[Everyone enters the elevator]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Somebody stinks.

Leona Phelps: If I have to play another damn game of volleyball, I'm gonna strangle someone.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, that'd be good. Get you a nice room in supermax.
Leona Phelps: Yet another cheap suit Hellbent on railroading me into a conviction. And they say money is supposed to buy justice.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Clearly can't buy class.
Leona Phelps: [to Gibbs] Am I talking to you or your acid tongued little errand boy?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you need any help with the...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I can play a DVD, McGee.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
Robert Miller: Hab SoslI Quch!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What'd he say?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Um, boss, he said your grandmother has a smooth forehead. It's a Klingon insult.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You speak Klingon?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not fluently, but yes.

[the M.E. van pulls up, its windshield splattered with eggs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Sorry we're late, only we had a run-in with some local youths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Doctor.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
[Palmer opens the van, letting out two teenagers in ninja outfits]
Ninja #1: Where are we?
Ninja #2: Are we in trouble?
Ninja #1: We said we were sorry!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [handing them Windex and paper towels] Right... clean it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were *real* ninjas.

Ziva David: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a Karuma. I'm not familiar with the model.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring sedan.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGeek with the save!

[after the dead John Doe is identified]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I want to know everything about this guy, from birth until Ducky cracked his sternum.
[DiNozzo and McGee are still staring at Abby, so Gibbs head-slaps both of them]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, "on it, Boss!"
Special Agent Timothy McGee, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.


"NCIS: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Apparently McGee thinks Ziva's in love with me.
[Ziva scoffs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's a reason it's called fiction, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Officer Ziva David: Fiction based on us, yes?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: NO! Look if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjusts his seatbelt]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice knowing you Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva...
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's just a book!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Palmer, I need a favor.
Jimmy Palmer: You wanna ride back with us.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How'd you know.
Jimmy Palmer: [irritably] I read your book. And for your information, I've never had sexual relations with a corpse.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That character was not based on you.
Jimmy Palmer: His name was "Pimmy Jalmer", McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's French Polynesian.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as McGee and Abby are explaining the process they used to electronically rehydrate the mummy's head] McGee, less talk. More of the computer chip doo-dah.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Making with the doo-dah, Boss.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Doo-dah?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. It's a technical term, Tobias.


"NCIS: Housekeeping (#9.12)" (2012)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Didn't seem that way at the Navy District New Years Eve Party.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! Gotcha! I didn't even go to the Naval District New Year's Eve Party.
Ziva David: Neither did I.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I rest my case. Since when did either of you miss a party?... Also known as the Holiday Blues... pre/post. Not at all uncommon.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to the unseen passenger] Get out of the truck now!
Abby Sciuto: [Cut to Abby's lab] Um, maybe you should give Gibbs a call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tell him we got an ID.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: EJ.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Passenger gets out of the truck] Barrett?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: Hi guys.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [during a gun fight with Stratton] What's he got - a cannon?
Ziva David: Sounds like a .50 caliber round. A gun that size that has limited accuracy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Seems pretty damn accurate to me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Morning.
Ziva David: Hey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I never thought I'd end up being known as the cheerful one at the office.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait, what?
Ziva David: Are you saying we're not cheerful?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last couple weeks, I'd say more, I don't know, surly?
Ziva David: Surly?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Surly you're McStaken.


"NCIS: Vanished (#2.3)" (2004)
[first lines]
Agent Caitlin Todd: [Tony is clipping his finger-nails at his desk when Kate walks in] Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: This bothers you?
Agent Caitlin Todd: No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I'm an acquired taste.
Agent Timothy McGee: Actually, it's more like the Stockholm Syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival.

[DiNozzo is telling McGee about the movie "Invaders from Mars."]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Aliens landed in a field just like this one. They took over the locals' minds, leaving a little red "x" on the backs of their necks.
Agent Timothy McGee: Sounds lame.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Oh, no! Scariest movie I ever saw. Especially when this kid tries to tell his mom and dad what's going on. Camera slowly comes around, reveals x's on the back of Mom and Dad's necks. Whew! I was scared of my parents for years after that.
Agent Timothy McGee: I'm sure the feeling was mutual.

Logan Clay: [after Gibbs stares him down] Bet his bark's worse than his bite, huh?
Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, the bite's actually much worse.

Agent Timothy McGee: [offended at a trick DiNozzo has pulled on him] How long am I going to be the butt of your practical jokes, snide innuendos, and juvenile putdowns?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I will always outrank you, Probie.


"NCIS: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)
[after Ziva finds out that Gibbs didn't know that she had been assigned to his team]
Officer Ziva David: [downhearted] I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [puzzled] "A donkey's butt?"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think she means horse's ass.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, that too.

Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] You might want to do something about your hair. It's sticking up like a porcu-swine. Wrong word. Like a porcu-pig. The little animal with the little spikies, yes? The...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Porcupine.
Officer Ziva David: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know how many people are killed by bears in America every year?
Officer Ziva David: No, but I can't imagine it's a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'd be surprised.
Officer Ziva David: McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's about 1.

[McGee walks in on Abby just as she is finishing changing her clothes]
Abby Sciuto: See something you like, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
[She gives him a look]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I mean, yes.
Abby Sciuto: Better.


"NCIS: Freedom (#8.13)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [about a blow up doll] Right now, all I gotta do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh that's easy. There's always a button right here on the back of the neck... There's no reason I should know that.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva David: Uh how do you know?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Ziva David: Lubricant helps. But everyone has dry spells.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can't believe this is happening. What if I have to change my name?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where do I start?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh no. Don't. Please don't.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McLean. McFly. McQueen. McGeek. McBankrupt. McMiserable. McRib. McGreek...

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why? Why did you do this to me?
Nick Miler: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work. Come home. Go to work again. You even order the same take out food every single night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not every night.
Nick Miler: Dude, yes. You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.


"NCIS: Dead Reflection (#8.21)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, Gibbs is giving me grief about sleeping with her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're sleeping with Special Agent Barret?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Catch up, Tim. The whole Navy Yard knows about it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How much do you think Myles would charge to make a mask of Gibbs?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wouldn't go there. You're in enough trouble with him already.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Putting on Cade's jacket and hat] You think this guy's the Hulk or what?
[DiNozzo deepens his voice]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am a big dumb oaf.
[Barret and Cade enter]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: The big dumb oaf has an IQ of 160.
NCIS Special Agent Simon Cade: You must be DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Hi.
NCIS Special Agent Simon Cade: I was warned about you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You made a mask of a dead guy?
Miles Hogan: Yeah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't find that a little strange?
Miles Hogan: Heh. A lot of what I do around here is strange.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You didn't tell anyone what you did?
Miles Hogan: I work in one of the most clandestine divisions of one of the most clandestine agencies in the world. I tell anyone what I do, I can go to Levinworth for the rest of my life. I get a call from upstairs, I do what I'm told.


"NCIS: Baltimore (#8.22)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Reading McGee's report] "Retinal scanner uses wave-front sensing reflection points. "
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Heh.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Correlates the data using 8 point spread function."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Rasterizes the pupil. Conjugate geometry."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Was I too technical?
[Gibbs drops the report in the trash]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.
Ziva David: Yes, but he and his partner have not spoken in years.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, let's say you and I haven't spoken in years. And I get my throat by a serial killer.
Ziva David: I would hunt him down and make him regret the day he was born! You're not just another partner, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Neither is Tony.

Abby Sciuto: How on Earth did you -?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule #35.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: Always watch the watchers.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can you imagine having to arrest Gibbs?
Ziva David: Heh. I would rather arrest my father. And I still might have to one day for that matter.


"NCIS: Dead Air (#8.5)" (2010)
Ziva David: I do not know which is more disturbing. The fact that you both *agree* or that McGee is a fan of a sport.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's not just that I'm a fan. It is also- I'm...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: American. Alive. It's October, Ziva. Reggie Jackson is Mr. October. Baseball has seeped into the native consciousness of this country.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's true. Center Fielder, right on the list. Right before Imagineer. Makes a hard day when you realize those dreams may not come true.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Gotta keep the dream alive, Tim.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I found a series of messages in Haskell's email history discussing an anniversary gift for his wife.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, his wife has been dead for year.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Makes a custom watch an odd choice. Obviously a code.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You think Ziva's less sexual now?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with 5 years ago, yeah.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you guys were undercover. You were just putting on a show... You were putting on a show, right?
[DiNozzo clears his throat]


"NCIS: Masquerade (#7.14)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: First a plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was there too, near the car, you know.
Ziva David: We *all* were.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of people?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He said the kind of people he wouldn't want to meet with.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] We knocking?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would you like the honors?
[Gibbs indicates his injured arm]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee. Come on. You're with me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where we going?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To find the bomb.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't make me say it, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, the - the threat of contamination is minimal.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Go. That's an order. Now. Leave!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's an order I'm disobeying.


"NCIS: Family First (#13.24)" (2016)
Anthony DiNozzo: [Expecting a driver] Hey, I'm on the run. I gotta-
[Abby and McGree enter looking somber]
Abby Sciuto: Hey Tony.
Timothy McGee: We uh - Vance got a call.
Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo sighs] Ziva?
[DiNozzo drop his bag]
Anthony DiNozzo: Are we sure?
Abby Sciuto: I'm so sorry Tony.

Ellie Bishop: Hey, how's Tony?
Timothy McGee: Uh, about as you can expect.
Jimmy Palmer: Anything we can do for him?
Timothy McGee: He made one request to do what Ziva would do.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Find Trent Kort.
Timothy McGee: And kill him.

Trent Kort: [Looking around] Old friends and new. But not the one I expected.
Anthony DiNozzo: [Entering from the side] I'm here!
Trent Kort: DiNozzo. I had no idea she'd be in the farmhouse. You know that?
Anthony DiNozzo: Do I?
Trent Kort: It was nothing personal - strictly business.
Timothy McGee: It is personal. It's Ziva!
Anthony DiNozzo: She was my family.

Timothy McGee: You all right, boss?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We need answers.
Timothy McGee: You know, there's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something you said to me when you first hired me. Something I never forgot. You asked, what happens when the best agents in the world want to accomplish something?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They get it done.
Timothy McGee: Damn right they do. For Fornell. For Ziva. We'll get it done.


"NCIS: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought you were taking the day.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs's idea. Not mine.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You didn't happen to make a digital catalog of all the evidence, did you?
Det. Steve Rosetti: [chuckling] Digital catalog? That's a good one!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Four boxes. Four bags of evidence. Four bags of personal items. I am going to be here *for*ever!

Officer Ziva David: [viciously kicking the photocopier] *Die*, you stupid machine!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seems unfazed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Those are standard Mossad-style, copy-machine assault tactics, McGee.


"NCIS: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is that pastrami?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can I have some?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't like pickles.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Have you ever heard of an agent having to retake their test?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby sighs] Special Agent Krischner.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Kirschner?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. He was gone before you got here. He was, um, he was let go.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Gibbs in interrogation] So what do you think? How's he going to break her down? What's the style?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's leading with Creepy Uncle, but I think he's gonna go with Father Figure you can trust.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Just doesn't feel right. I am going to go with the classic in your face Gibbs the Intimidator.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Don't think so.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I better go down, reschedule this polygraph test.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't bother, McGee. Nothing wrong with the first one.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What do you mean?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you made an impression on the examiner.
[McGee looks confused]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think she made an excuse to see you again.
[McGee still looks confused]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want me to draw you a picture?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee understands] No. I'm going to handle her boss.


"NCIS: Caught on Tape (#2.15)" (2005)
Agent Caitlin Todd: These are the last two people to have seen the Staff Sergeant alive: his best friend, and his wife. Do you think that either or both of them could have murdered the staff sergeant?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, it is kind of weird, a single guy hanging out with a married couple.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I agree.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why is that weird?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, because he's a single guy who hangs out with married people.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I do that all the time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, but you bring a date, right?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Not always.
[Tony and McGee trade a look]
Agent Caitlin Todd: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, who usually invites you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The man or the woman?
Agent Caitlin Todd: I don't know... I guess, usually the guy.
[Another look]
Agent Caitlin Todd: Okay, for your information, a lot of my friends are from the Secret Service, and most of them happen to be men.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, what about your girlfriend who called you yesterday?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Well, Deb is married to one of my buddies, Rick.
[Tony and McGee start to snicker]
Agent Caitlin Todd: Okay, so what you're saying is that all of my married, male friends secretly want to sleep with me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Pretty much.
Agent Caitlin Todd: That's very mature, Tony. And for your information, men and women *can* just be friends. Isn't that right, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Technically.
Agent Caitlin Todd: What do you mean, "technically?"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He means, she'd have to be pretty ugly first.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [as he and Tony both crack up laughing] Wait, wait, I didn't say that...

[McGee's hands and face are covered with poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What I don't understand is how it got all over my face.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's the urushiol oil in the plant, McGee. Once it gets on your hands, it spreads to anything it comes in contact with.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well... then I have a major problem, Ducky.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Hmm?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I was out there, I had to... you know...
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, I don't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Relieve myself.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh.
[realizing]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh... well, uh, let's take a look, then.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [unbuckles his pants] This is, uh, this is kind of embarrassing...
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
[McGee drops his pants]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Good lord.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? What, is it bad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, no, it's fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much... swelling.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'm gonna have to quit.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, your secret is safe with me.
[Jimmy enters]
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I've got the new evaluation forms you req...
[He trails off as he takes in the scene]
Jimmy Palmer: I'll come back.
[Jimmy leaves]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Him I'm not so sure about.

[McGee has a livid rash covering half his face]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So... honestly, how do I look?
Abby Sciuto: Um, do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'd prefer the lie.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Sergeant William Moore, transferred from Camp Lejune to Quantico two months ago. He was serving as an EI for all newly commissioned Marine officers.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: EI?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Enlisted Instructor", probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, what did he teach, Kate?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Well, according to his records, uh, MOUT.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: MOUT stands for military operations
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [interrupting] Yes, I know what it stands for, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well excuse me for trying to help junior agents.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Trust me, when I, uh, need help, you'll be the first person I ask. Where Gibbs or Kate is.


"NCIS: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)
[McGee's complaining about Tony calling him "Probie."]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, how long have I been an agent?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, about 16 years.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Want to take a wild guess what my first partner still calls me?

[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [whispers in Abby's ear] Your computer's on fire.
Abby Sciuto: [wakes up and starts typing furiously] McGee, my baby's french-frying!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [wakes up and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds, they both turns around]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

[McGee is messing around with a software program that predicts the features of a couple's child. He combines Tony and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Guys, meet your love child.
[He produces a picture of a rather ugly baby. Ziva laughs, then shares a look with Tony]
Officer Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [together] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Officer Ziva David: Now that's not a bad combination.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Never more than once, DiNozzo.
[Abby enters and sees the picture]
Abby Sciuto: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibbets, Gibbs.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Tony] Is there a reason you're gearing up?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's my motto, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Never date a woman that eats more than you do.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha Ha well that's true but always be prepared.
[Tony whispers]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bat signal may fly at any moment.


"NCIS: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of deal?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Immediately after the trial. Kale is going to put in the witness protection program. So even if he did murder Brewer, we'll never know.
Officer Ziva David: It will be as if he never existed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just like Fornell wanted.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Fornell] For a guy that's about to be handed his head...
Officer Ziva David: He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calm before the storm. Gibbs vs Fornell, it's like Frazier-Ali, or Rocky vs... everyone.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you know Ziva will kill you if she finds out you're doing what I'm no longer seeing you do.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then it's a good thing you're not seeing me do it.

Abby Sciuto: [giddy] Sex. Mold sex. It's practically mold porn.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?


"NCIS: Déjà Vu (#13.13)" (2016)
Tiffany Leonne: Because you don't have a warrant. This is private information. I know the legal system thinks of animals as property. But I don't. The dog this came out of has the same rights as you and me.
Timothy McGee: It didn't come out of a dog. It came out of a person.
Anthony DiNozzo: Your product is being used in human trafficking.
Tiffany Leonne: Oh my goodness!

Timothy McGee: [DiNozzo gives out sweaters with McGee's Tap Dancing photo] This is great. Look I am who I am because of what I was. So guess what? I am not ashamed of this.
Anthony DiNozzo: You know when you act all adult and noble
[whispering]
Anthony DiNozzo: no one's feeling it.

Ellie Bishop: Bad news, guys. Transformer iced over and blew up my apartment.
Timothy McGee: What do we do?
Anthony DiNozzo: Last time I slept in this orange room, I had psychedelic nightmares - stayed with me for months.
Ellie Bishop: Hotel's out of the question. All the rooms in the city are booked.


"NCIS: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are you looking for?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs. He has this uncanny way of just showing up whenever I make a discovery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's a little bit off his game since he's been playing director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on the videophone behind McGee and Abby] Is that so, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're desperate.
Abby Sciuto: They're like drowning men grasping at thin polystyrene tubes.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was going to say straws, but I do like that idiom better.
Abby Sciuto: Because mines more accurate! I mean, does saying 'grasping at straws' tell you if they're made out of paper or glass or metal or polystyrene? No!

Abby Sciuto: Oh, this cab is bringing back memories. Cheap vinyl, plastic divider, dirty floors. Actually, these floors are pretty clean. The ones I remember were dirty.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Let me guess. Short-lived career as a cabby?
Abby Sciuto: A short-lived encounter. A ship in the night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ooh.
Abby Sciuto: My first time.
Officer Ziva David: For what?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Front seat or back?
Abby Sciuto: Back. Well, both, kind of.
Officer Ziva David: Oh! My first time was in a weapons carrier.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: Of course it was.
Officer Ziva David: Where was the cabby when this encounter took place?
Abby Sciuto: He was a cabby. Putting himself through school. It was his first time too.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: First time for what?
Abby Sciuto: Seeing a curling match, Gibbs. Haver you ever seen a curling match? The pristine ice and those little brooms that sweep.


"NCIS: Safe Harbor (#9.5)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? I mean, don't get me wrong? I'm just not married to it, you know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait. I think I have a solution.
Ziva David: What? A pet for Gibbs? A - a new hobby?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A new woman.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Entering] That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

Abby Sciuto: No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How do you know?
Abby Sciuto: Cause he's already found her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: His first wife.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, we found a perfect woman for you, and we would like you to ask her out.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who? Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did you see that on the screen?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. I dated her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So what was wrong with her, boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. She's perfect.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: Perfect? What happened?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There's nothing more boring than perfect.
[Gibbs laughs]


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva David: Physically or mentally?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about 2 pairs of Mud Wrestling tickets] What is this a gag gift? You guys - plan this together?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] DiNozzo, I got a gift fo you.
[Gibbs gives DiNozzo a folder]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Dead body?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Grab our gear?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, boss. A gift I can use. Only thing I need to do right now is keep working. See? This is what I need - work. Keep busy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Good.
[McGee and Ziva go to Tony's desk and hold out their hands expectantly]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think we can still get refunds.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never said I didn't want them.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are we there yet?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The more you ask the longer it's gonna take.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh really? There's some magical conneection between my mouth and distance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. But there's a connection between your mouth and annoyance... But thankfully we are here.

Hank Galvaston: [about Curtis] He - he keeps saying how he's not going back to jail.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Never a good sign.
Hank Galvaston: You-you promised you were going to bring Curtis in safe. Prove he's innocent.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, I can bring him in. Second part's not up to me.


"NCIS: Semper Fidelis (#6.24)" (2009)
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Heads of the CIA, FBI, ICE.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's a full bowl of alphabet soup, huh?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Not all of them. Which letters you got on your badge, McGee?

Abby Sciuto: The bug stomp. Classic movie move. Sounds like a Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nah. It was a Jules.
Abby Sciuto: A Jules? What is a Jules? I'm going to have a word with this Jules if we ever have the good fortune of meeting.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'd like to be here for that.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So what did Fornell and Gibbs have to say?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: They were just apologizingg for implying that I might be a murderer.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're kidding? They were?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Both of them?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: That so shocking?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, uh, you know, might take a - a while to fully grasp the significance of that.
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: Okay, explain it to me. I've got no plans.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right. Did Gibbs actually say the words "I'm sorry?"


"NCIS: Worst Nightmare (#8.2)" (2010)
Ziva David: Agent Gibbs is not, uh, shall we say not fond of outsiders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's not going to like you. And frankly, you're not going to like him either.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony...
Sarah Knox: Why not?
[Gibbs enters in the far background]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, I'm not going to answer that question
[Gibbs starts approaching the group]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: because if I do, he's going to walk up behind me and make me regret it. He slithers through the grass like a snake. He's not friendly. He's oily -
[Gibbs slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Done, DiNozzo?

Conrad Zuse: This was the only class that fulfilly my public affair requirement.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And an internship at NCIS was the only class?
Conrad Zuse: The only class that didn't meet on Fridays.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [tracing a phone call from the kidnappers] The call wasn't long enough to trace, but there is something going on here. There's another snooper agent pinging the cell tower.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: At least *pretend* you have a sex life.


"NCIS: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Talk faster. Eliminate the dead air between your words. My mind can absorb things very quickly.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [talks very fast]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Take a breath, have a keyboard.

Officer Ziva David: How's my agent application coming?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am working my magic. Trust me, Ziva, when I'm through, you will be...
[McGee gets an error message]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ooh, code blue?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Someone's been blackballed.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave you the red flag.
Officer Ziva David: [confused] What is blue, black, and red?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Zebra in a blender.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's black, white and red all over.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Newspaper.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Penguin with a sunburn.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nun falling down stairs.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What about the Damocles?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Lost at sea about a hundred miles off the coast of Tanzania, which was a couple hundred miles off its chartered course.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They got lost at sea before they got lost at sea. So we got Ziva on a ship that went down somewhere it wasn't supposed to be, and a body bag filled goo from a dead Marine who wasn't supposed to be there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And nothing is what it's supposed to be. Gibbs tosses us, the investigation disappears.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like "Alien", the Ridley Scott classic. The creepy one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: As opposed to the non-creepy ones?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, Cameron's was more actiony than creepy, and Fincher's was more sleepy. Jeunet's was sort of a French-fried... I don't know what to call it.


"NCIS: Forced Entry (#2.9)" (2004)
[McGee is innocently drinking coffee that Tony gave him without mentioning that it belongs to Gibbs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
Timothy McGee: Uh, yeah!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's not too hot?
Timothy McGee: [pause] It's your coffee. I'm, uh... Sorry, Boss. I'll get you another one.
[to Tony and Kate]
Timothy McGee: Thanks.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule Twenty-Three.
Tony DiNozzo: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
Marine Sgt. Chris Hegarty: You never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: [laughs] That's right.
[as McGee leaves]
Tony DiNozzo: Dead man walking!

[McGee is hacking into the computer of an adult website]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long is this going to take?
Timothy McGee: Wha... there's a number of different variables - code complexity, accuracy of the logs, software...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You have one hour.
Timothy McGee: Or... one hour.

[last lines]
Tony DiNozzo: Yep, it's amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate.
Timothy McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I've, uh, got a little somethin' you might be interested in.
Tony DiNozzo: Who's this supposed to be?
Timothy McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24.
[McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, she's a real keeper, DiNozzo.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: I wonder if he wears a sports bra.


"NCIS: Broken Arrow (#8.7)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Looking a Ziva's passport] That is unfair. No one's passport photo should look this good.

Ziva David: [Re: a dumpster] Somebody's going to have to go through this. This is disgusting.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Last time I checked, I was Senior Field Agent.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, it's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: But we do!
Ziva David: You're going to pull rank on me?

Ziva David: I'm sure he's all right, Tony. He looked fine getting off the plane.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, so did the guy in front of him, and he ended up dead crammed in a dumpster.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Slow down, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, I got a hit, 15100 1st Street Northeast. Mid-Atlantic Trailways Bus Station.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony groans] This is worse than I thought. My father... at a bus station.


"NCIS: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I can't believe I'm telling you this. Tony's going to kill me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not if Mossad gets to him first.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you don't think the Director's going to just hand him over?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a problem, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean apart from Tony killing Ziva's friend and Ziva's apartment blowing up? No. No problem at all.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good. Then shoot.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, when is she coming back?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's not.
Abby Sciuto: No! This cannot happen! Vance cannot do this *again*!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't Vance's call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then who?


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh oh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. Big time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He compliment me, twice.
Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles slightly] Very un-Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better keep an eye on that guy. Don't you agree Director?
Leon Vance: Is that your decision Agent DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not mine to make, sir.
Leon Vance: You got that right!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You want to learn how to be a real man, McGee. You gotta study the Japanese Samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is that even possible?

Ziva David: This is a great work of art.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah what do yah got there... new Judy Blume? 'Are you there God? It's me, Margaret'.
Ziva David: This my friend is the Declaration of Independence. My citizenship test is coming up and I wish to pass with swimming colors.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Flying colors.
Ziva David: Any colors will do, McGee.


"NCIS: Royals & Loyals (#8.4)" (2010)
Royal Marine Major Peter Malloy: And who might you be, sir?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, I'm uh, Special Agent Timothy McGee.
Royal Marine Major Peter Malloy: Oh, an Irishman. I promise I won't hold that against you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bolos-R-Us, boss. We got the entire Eastern seaboard covered.
Ziva David: Metro PD's on the bus, train and subway station.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've alerted Airport police, the State Troopers in Maryland and Virginia.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Customs and ICE are staying frosty.
Ziva David: Secret Service Uniform Division is monitoring the British Embassy and consulate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And the Coast Guard's got the shipyard wired.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Good work.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Complimenting us? Never a good sign.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who was the most recent Station Chief there?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, boss that would require me hacking into...
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Do it, Agent McGee.
[the Station Chief appears]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Well, I'll be damned.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Time to go above her head, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Happy to.


"NCIS: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [after Gibbs leaves NCIS] Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Director.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Any idea where he went?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well he took his badge, and his gun. Maybe he's going to shoot someone.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to Gibbs's desk and opens a drawer] Oh boy!
[McGee holds up Gibbs's badge]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone grabbed him vise like and SQEEEZED.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh, yeah. That would've been me, Duck.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause. Ducky and McGee exchange looks] I'll go see how the others are doing.

Abby Sciuto: It's for my cellphone. So when Gibbs calls, his face will appear, and I'll know it's him. See?
[shows McGee the pic]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nice... print.
[Abby looks at the photo of her thumb and groans]


"NCIS: Under Covers (#3.8)" (2005)
Timothy McGee: [after Gibbs and Fornell have gone to their "conference room"] Yeah, this is going to be ugly.
Maya: Oh, yeah. Fornell hasn't been this upset since...
Yussif: The last time we saw him.

Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
Yussif: Very convincing.
Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.
Yussif: I would.
Timothy McGee: Guys, they were acting.
Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.

Timothy McGee: [whispering to Tony in the hotel room] If you whisper it should be okay.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [from headquarters with Jenny] Comfortable, DiNozzo?
Tony DiNozzo: Well, yeah. Workin' on it. Why do you ask?
Jenny Shepard: We're looking at you Agent DiNozzo. *All* of you.
Tony DiNozzo: [embarassed] Uh, sorry.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! What the hell are you going? You're *married* assassins, you're not visiting the Playboy mansion.
Tony DiNozzo: It was kind of Ziva's idea, boss.


"NCIS: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, over here. Hands and knees.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not going to step on me, are you?
[looks up at Gibbs, Gibbs looks back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, right.
[crouches down]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, footprints, looking for footprints... it's a pretty tight weave.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag.
[Gibbs and McGee just look at him while Palmer grins like a loon]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Uh, from a... criminal investigative standpoint.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He had me at "Howdy."

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [opening the deceased's storage locker] Maybe we should put some Vic's under our noses.
Officer Ziva David: I doubt we'll find a body.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hope not. I hate that.


"NCIS: Sins of the Father (#9.10)" (2011)
Ziva David: He cancelled?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not exactly. He never called to tell me... where to meet.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you call him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Several times. This is typical... of my old man. It's his... M.O. if you will. My High School graduation for instance, I guess, technically he would claim he was there. But where was he *really*? In the Infirmary with the nurse, with what he claimed was "jet lag." Anyway it's not a big deal. It's just dinner. So what?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't give up hope, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I gave up hope when he started dating girls younger than me, and that was in the late '80s.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about a woman DiNozzo Sr was with] You know her?
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: She's attractive... I have absolutely no idea who she is.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She works at Macey's company.
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: [to the FBI Agents] Take off the cuffs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You heard him.


"NCIS: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Pilgrims and Indians gambling together, eh? Warms the heart.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, you're gonna wanna see this. According to security sensor, Lance Corporal Lazada entered the dorm wing this morning at 6 AM.
Ziva David: That is impossible. He was dead.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Exactly. Dorm access requires a palm scan, boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [DiNozzo's looking at some artwork] Tony, Abby already unhid it. It's frequency jamming signals.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, maybe if I - maybe if I try to unfocus bet-
[Gibbs enters and slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Focus DiNozzo.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's it, boss. Out of focus. It's dolphins in moonligh. Thanks boss!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Anytime.


"NCIS: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs] I'd apologize, but I know how you feel about apologies.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss? Why do you have my sister's cell phone?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I have a better question for you. What's your sister's cell phone doing on *my* dead body?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after McGee's given his badge/gun to the Director] Boss, don't try to talk me out of...
[Gibbs slaps the back of McGee's head]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never let *anyone* manipulate you like that!
[moves in closer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not even the Director!


"NCIS: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [McGee is dismantling a network server] What can I do to help, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can stop touching things when you're not grounded.
Officer Ziva David: Okay, sorry. Hack away, you won't even notice me here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, but you're standing on my foot

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby Sciuto: Okay that's it! You need a break!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby Sciuto: We don't! But *you* do!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know what the best part is, when you get older, your not gonna remember their names. But you know what? They're always gonna remember yours. That's pretty cool, huh?
Jason Geckler: You know, I haven't thought about it too much.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well I have!
[spins Geckler's chair around and looks at him in the eye]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know why? Because *I* was one of those kids! And I've been looking forward to this my entire life, dirtbag!
Jason Geckler: I didn't do anything!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've got you for aiding and abetting a kidnapping, interferring in a Federal Investigation, and selling stolen property! You know what that means? That means? That mean they can try you as an adult, Geck!
[McGee flicks Geckler's neck]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And when you in prison, every night when you're crying yourself to sleep, I want you to think of *me* tough guy! We're done here! See ya in court!
[starts to leave interrogation]


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Ziva David: You did not tell us that Wendy sent you a Christmas card.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wendy who?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your Wendy. Baltimore Wendy.
Ziva David: Your former fiancee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah, that. What are you doing reading my Christmas cards?
Ziva David: It was pinned on the wall behind your desk.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People usually do that so that others can enjoy them.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know you never mentioned why you broke off the engagement with Wendy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who said that I broke it off?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? She left you at the altar?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't say that either.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I understand that sir, but you're not answering my question. Is Lt. Reynolds on your radar?
DoD Liaison Klein: Agent McGee, the only thing on my radar right now is Santa Claus.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I understand sir, but you will let us know if you find anything on Lt. Reynolds?
DoD Liaison Klein: Even if I did, I couldn't tell you without authorization. Feliz Navidad.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seemed very un-Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Abby's un-happy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Abby's un-Abby.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, she stole my dollar.

Abby Sciuto: [holding a wrinkled dollar bill in one hand and a candy bar in the other] Give me a dollar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, what's wrong with that one?
Abby Sciuto: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby Sciuto: It has nougat in it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby Sciuto: [exasperated] I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking out his wallet and looking in it] All I have are big bills.
Officer Ziva David: What is nougat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's whipped dolphin fat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, it's the filling in Clowny Cake.
Abby Sciuto: That is a myth!
[agitated]
Abby Sciuto: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A DOLLAR?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause, DiNozzo, McGee, and David exchange awkward glances] Sure, I got one.
Abby Sciuto: [taking the bill from Tony] Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat!
Officer Ziva David: I don't even know what nougat is!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear!


"NCIS: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)
[Tony is reclining at his desk, "asleep" with his eyes open, and Kate is speculating on why he's sleepy]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't kiss and tell, Kate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Since when? I know more about your sex life than I do about my own, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not hard to believe, Probie, since you don't have one.

[Tony, leaving in Gibbs's wake, barks an order at McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You got it, Boss... uh, Tony.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci's suspect that we were staking out last year.
Agent Caitlin Todd: That's right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She didn't seduce me. I was undercover.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Yeah, well, didn't you stick your tongue down...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't you mean "*him?*"


"NCIS: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)
[watching McGee interview a suspect]
Officer Ziva David: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.
[inside]
Ceasar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, actually I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected links to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist," and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [impressed] That... actually was intimidating.

Abby Sciuto: My Army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Isn't an army rank. It's actually navy.

Tomas Zepeda: You're either DEA or Immigration. You're not FBI. They wear suits.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS.
Ceasar Bernal: Navy cops.
Tomas Zepeda: What'd we do to piss you off? Come on, man. We get blamed for everything these days. Help me out. We steal the Admiral's car?
Ceasar Bernal: Or his calzoncillos?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You killed two Marines. The first in a drive-by shooting. The other in Rock Creek Park.
Tomas Zepeda: Take me away.
[motions to other gang members]
Tomas Zepeda: You want one of them instead? Go with the Federales, they need a suspect.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We know who did it.
[puts photos on the table]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can keep those.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't look surprised.
Tomas Zepeda: I never seen them before.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They used to run your organization.
Tomas Zepeda: Organization? We're a social club.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're not El Jefe.
Tomas Zepeda: No? Who am I?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "El Gordo"?
[Spanish, "The fat one?"]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [everyone in the restaurant laughs] See? Nobody laughs at the boss. You have El Jefe give me a call, or I book him the next seat on the flight to Gitmo.
Tomas Zepeda: You can't do that. We're not terrorists.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: I'll have Tel Aviv produce an intercept between Al Qaeda and this... social club. You want photos?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That would be good.
Officer Ziva David: It might take me twenty-four hours.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay. Twenty-four hours.


"NCIS: Cracked (#8.6)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ethel's different. She's special.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Special Ethel.
Ziva David: Good Tony. You're finally dating someone within your age range.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Happens to be a family name. And I happen to like it. It's strong, distinguished. It says...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "I've fallen, and I can't get up."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's even started - I can share this - she's even started talking about role playing.
Ziva David: You're taking a drama class?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's not the kind of role playing he's talking about. Just don't you show up tomorrow wearing a diaper and carrying a whip, okay?
Ziva David: Oh, *that* kind of role playing.

Ziva David: I am a little concerned. I have never seen Abbey so...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Quiet.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. She's fine. She's just thinking.


"NCIS: Thirst (#9.6)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky has been... pretty chipper lately. Old Penelope must be quite a hellcat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey! Leave my grandmother out of this. She and Ducky went on one date. That was it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait. Back up the truck. Who are these sources? Mine haven't said anything.
Ziva David: Perhaps you do not have sources.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or your sources are lousy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exsqueeze me, guys. Very special agent here. I got solid gold sources coming out the yang.
Ziva David: I do not know what or where your yang is, but perhaps your sources do not trust you with internal gossip.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Something tells me we may be looking at victim number one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hate to say serial killer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you said it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm thinking it.


"NCIS: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after McGee saves Tony] I love you, McGee. I promise never to give you a hard time again.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, right.

Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[They start wrestling for the phone as the therapist comes out of his office]
Dr. Neil Fleming: Hey, hey, hey! You two obviously have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On the phone?
Dr. Neil Fleming: Aren't you the couple who called about marriage counseling?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Couple? Us? No, no, we...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's all right. Timmy, Timmy - we're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here.
[McGee pushes himself away from Tony]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sorry.
[pulls out his badge]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: N.C.I.S. Special Agents McGee, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Very special agents.


"NCIS: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs hands McGee a digital camera] Here, McGee, take the, uh, film... dooey-whacker out of there and put it up there on the plasma.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well Boss, actually this is a digital camera. They use a memory card now...
[off Gibbs's look]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'll put in the dooey-whacker.

Special Agent Ziva David: It'll be like finding a pin in a haystack!
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Needle in a haystack."
Special Agent Ziva David: Isn't a pin just as hard to find?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Together with Tony] No.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [amazed, after Gibbs stopped Landis from running away by shooting him in the butt with a rifle] Boss didn't...
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [also amazed] Nah. He wouldn't do a thing like that...


"NCIS: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's helping McGee make a face] Would you two like some time alone?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no boss. We were just...
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Acting like children.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. Give me something fierce. Bossman's got *mad* skills!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right... Ooo, okay Gibbs versus
[Gibbs appears behind Abby]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Oh HO! That's good. Evil twin or a clone?
[turns around notices Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! Good timing!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [slight pause] You ever lost a fight?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not sure I even ever won one.
Abby Sciuto: [aside to McGee] Definitely a Gibbs clone.


"NCIS: Jet Lag (#7.13)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Their flight was delayed.
Leon Vance: Are you sure about that? Paris can be very hard to leave.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not for them. Tony and Ziva don't like travelling together, much.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sargeant Mark Parsons. Member of his Special Ops Team said that he was good Marine, but a loner. No family. No close friends. Apparently our Marine-turned-hitman really kept to himself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nature of the business.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I'm going to call an ambulance. Boss? Boss, you okay?
[Gibbs groans]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you- uh- did you hit your shoulder?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. The car did, McGee. Cuff him.


"NCIS: Lost & Found (#5.9)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: Know what bugs me most, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken.
Abby Sciuto: [frowns] Yes. But you know what also bugs me the most?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People who mishandle evidence.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [tracking Brian Taylor via satellite] Tony, Taylor's headed right towards you. Keep your course.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How far?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hundred yards, give or take. Looks like he's passing through some sort of clearing. Maybe a...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Dirt road?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. How'd you...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, we're staring at it, McGee.

Abby Sciuto: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People that say they're vegetarian but eat chicken.
Abby Sciuto: Ok yes. So the what is my second biggest pet peeve.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Miss handled evidence.
Abby Sciuto: Yes again.


"NCIS: A Man Walks Into a Bar... (#8.14)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, you may want to stop acting like a jackass.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not an ass. It's hor... hor... I can explain, Sir!
[DiNozzo turns around and notices Vance and Cranston]
Leon Vance: Settle in, Doctor. This should be good.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: All of you, make some time for the Doctor. Director Vance's orders.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are we supposed to talk about?
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Well, believe it or not, most people talk about their sex lives.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That rules Tim out.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: I thought you said the suspect was still on board the Colonial.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He is but it's still protocol to check. Didn't I tell you to wait outside?
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Psychiatrists never listen.


"NCIS: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because nobody married to her kills themselves. She's way too attractive for him. The wife did it.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Should we even bother investigating or just go ahead and arrest her?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I like where you're going McGee.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs gives everyone a cup] You brought us coffee?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's apple cider.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep. Happy Halloween... Breaks over. Run it.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would make a Marine unit fall apart?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Lack of discipline.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep. Or too much.


"NCIS: Ships in the Night (#8.11)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Waking up] Never quite - get used to these extra hours. Heh. I don't know how you and Agent Borin stay so...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Perky?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. No. Uh, it's just that - you two have a lot in common.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like what?
Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Entering] Coffee?

Special Agent Abigail Borin: Never make excuses. It's rule number one. You should write that down.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I would. But rule number one's already been taken - twice.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, somebody get something!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee's computer beeps] Boss - I got something.
Special Agent Abigail Borin: My guys never do that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get yourself some new guys.


"NCIS: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [regard the bug] Give it to me. I'm going in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're a woman. Easier for me to blend in.
Officer Ziva David: [chuckling] Yes. You would blend right in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right. Flip you for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You can take her, Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Compromise. Tony will do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't want to do it!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, then we'll flip for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Whispers to McGee] You can take her Probie. Do it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering the bullpen] Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Shh!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a movie. Not just any movie. That's "Double Indemnity."
Officer Ziva David: Tony, your power of observation is unearthly. Now leave me alone. This is the best part.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not going to get between a chick and her flick. How do you know it's the best part?
Officer Ziva David: Because it is the third time I have seen it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't even watch movies.
Officer Ziva David: This is not a movie. It's a classic *film*.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, I know that. You don't know that.
[Ziva holds up a pamphlet]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Film studies? Wow. I really appreciate that, Ziva. Really, I do.
Officer Ziva David: I am taking it because it is the best way to pick up American colloquialism, like "bug off."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You should watch "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
Officer Ziva David: I saw it last week. Sean Penn is a genius. Phoebe Cates is a babe. Now... do you mind?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can get you a list...
Officer Ziva David: I have a list! Bye.
[McGee enters, holding an exaggeratedly large coffee mug]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. Morning, Probie Pan. Where'd you pick that up? Neverland?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no. Pottery Den. Fifty percent off. Got six of them for ten dollars.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's pretty big, don't you think?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, I don't like getting refills ten times a day.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, but I mean, that's a little...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A little what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughing to himself] Seuss-ical?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Leave. I'm enjoying my moment.


"NCIS: Legend (#6.22)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we've got some activity. We are not the only ones looking at Chandler. A BOLO's been issued out of Los Angeles. Nationwide alert.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: LAPD?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Negative.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who issued the BOLO, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We did, Boss. It's NCIS.

Officer Ziva David: OSP?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Office of Special Projects. NCIS undercover. Surveillance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Supercool toys.
Officer Ziva David: After our last trip to L.A., I do not understand why you would think I would be such an eager platypus, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Beaver. Eager beaver. Not platypus. Why does that bother me so much? Don't answer that.
[Ziva's phone rings]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Answer that.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Hanna sends Abby a photo using a giant touch screen] Oh I really got to get one of these.
Special Agent Sam Hanna: You got problems.


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I shot that cop, I felt like everyone doubted me... But after a while...
Officer Ziva David: Are you trying to make me feel better?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it not working?
Officer Ziva David: It's not necessary, McGee.
[Ziva gently slaps McGee's cheek, then giggles slightly]
Officer Ziva David: Our only concern should be the Director.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're right.
[Rises up and walks away]
Officer Ziva David: [to the person on the phone] You put me on hold again, and I'll jump through this phone and I will strangle you!
operator: Hold, please.
Officer Ziva David: Hey, McGee. Nobody ever doubted you.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just like those calls you're making aren't pointless.

[McGee walks over dressed in his crime scene outfit]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [snickering] That's a nice outfit, probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, the handbook says that we are required to wear this outfit at all active crime scenes. You know that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, but not in our own building. That's like wearing a name tag in your own apartment.


"NCIS: Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Block him out. "He's not there", say it.
Abby Sciuto: He's not there.
[see Rinnert standing in her lab]
Abby Sciuto: He's still there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Close your eyes. Open them and imagine him gone.
Abby Sciuto: [closes her eyes. Opens them] Didn't work!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [moving behind her] Try it again.
Abby Sciuto: [closing her eyes] He's not there. He's not there.
[opens her eyes]
Abby Sciuto: Still not working, McGee.
[sound of a door opening/closing]
Abby Sciuto: McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Abby punches Fred] Saweet.


"NCIS: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ever had a conversation in the head, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: One time I did. The person I was talking to was so distracted my shoes, they kinda got...
[Gibbs slaps the back of his head]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after rescuing Tony and Ziva] You two okay?
Officer Ziva David: No.
[She kicks the enemy agent in the groin, then limps away]
Officer Ziva David: Now if you gentlemen will excuse me...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are you going?
Officer Ziva David: I've been locked in a box all day! The ladies' room!


"NCIS: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You need a secretary.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a therapist.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or both!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't know what the "G" stands for but it's nine digits. Could be a military service number. I'll run it.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't have to... It's mine!


"NCIS: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while processing Roy's car] Found something.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it dangerous?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you want kids?... Kidding.

Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and McGee each reach for a cup of coffee in a vending machine] I have been working for 30 straight hours!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This is only my fourth cup of the day!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
[McGee moves away, Ziva takes the coffee]
Officer Ziva David: Thanks.


"NCIS: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss!... Tony!
[Tony chuckles]
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He called me "Boss."
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, he'll never live it down.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Abby hits him] Hey!
Abby Sciuto: We should have thought of that hours ago.
[braces for McGee to hit her]
Abby Sciuto: Don't be gentle.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am not gonna hit you.
Abby Sciuto: Come on. I deserve it.
[braces again]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
Abby Sciuto: [pause] Elf Lord.
[Abby braces again. Cut to outside Abby's lab]
Abby Sciuto: [o.s] OW!


"NCIS: Reveille (#1.23)" (2004)
Gibbs: Where's Kate and Tony?
Timothy McGee: Went to lunch with Ducky.
Gibbs: When?
Timothy McGee: Uh... about an hour... or so... ago.
Gibbs: I want "or so" in minutes, McGee.

Gibbs: DiNozzo comes back, put him under house arrest.
Timothy McGee: [Gibbs strides off. McGee is clearly disconcerted] Me?


"NCIS: Love Boat (#14.4)" (2016)
Ellie Bishop: This is a secure Federal Building swarming with Federal agents. What better way to keep it secret - keep it safe?
Timothy McGee: No. No. No. You can't keep the ring here. Are you crazy?
Ellie Bishop: It will be out of sight out of mind.
Timothy McGee: Out of mind? I've broken into this desk a million times before. That's not safe- with Kate and Ziva before, obviously - not you.
Ellie Bishop: Can we discuss this?

Timothy McGee: I can't waste anymore time.
[McGee gets down on one knee]
Timothy McGee: Delilah,
[McGee pulls out a ring. ]
Timothy McGee: will you marry me?
Delilah Fielding: [Delilah nods] Yes.


"NCIS: Engaged (Part I) (#9.8)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is an omen, isn't it? You were sent to talk to me?
Navy Lieutenant Commander Melanie Burke: By whom?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The man upstairs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Vance?
Navy Lieutenant Commander Melanie Burke: Uh, no. I'm here to see Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd pay to hear that confession.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] What am I confessing to, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nothing boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're damn right about that.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell them the Commandant of the Marine Corps needs access.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And if that doesn't work?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It'll work.


"NCIS: The Good Wives Club (#2.2)" (2004)
Anthony DiNozzo: Question for you, Probie. Redbook? Why?
Timothy McGee: Redbook was, and still is, the definitive magazine for today's young woman.
Anthony DiNozzo: Planning a sex change?
Timothy McGee: No, I, since I've always been interested in women, I figured the best way to know about them... was to, you know, know about them.
Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, the best way to know about them... is to *know* them.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know what bongos are?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well a beatnick is playing them in my head.


"NCIS: Faith (#7.10)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, I sympathize, okay? But satellite feeds to the Indian Ocean are restricted to all but the highest priority communications.
Abby Sciuto: What's a higher priority than a little boy that wants to see his mom on Christmas?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Somebody broke my cover.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She knows - I'm her Secret Santa. McGee, you wouldn't do that?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ho ho ho.


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee any hits on the BOLO?... You completely forgot about.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This one's on me, Boss.
[Slaps the back of his own head]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes it is. Thank you for bringing up a painful memory McGee.


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Missy Dawkins: Oh my God! I can't believe he's dead.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What was your relationship to the deceased?
Missy Dawkins: He's deceased, too?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Here you go, McGee. Found this.
[Hands some CDs to McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, my motivational CDs. Been looking for this.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, you should've looked harder.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, gee, I'm sorry I didn't think to look in *your* desk.


"NCIS: Terminal Leave (#2.6)" (2004)
Tony DiNozzo: Oh, sounds like we're goin' to need the infrared scope on this one, McGee.
Timothy McGee: The one that can see through walls at night?
Tony DiNozzo: Better than pay-TV, and, the best part? It's free.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: And that's the reason why, Tony.
Tony DiNozzo: Why what, Kate?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: You'll never get my home address.

[last lines]
Timothy McGee: Actually, I did special order once.
[Kate laughs, then Tony, then Gibbs]


"NCIS: Legend (#6.23)" (2009)
Tech Operator Eric Beal: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean like we're doing now?
Tech Operator Eric Beal: Yeah, that's okay cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can I talk to Tony please?
Abby Sciuto: Okay.
[Abby walks to DiNozzo's desk offering her phone]
Abby Sciuto: It's for you. It's McGoo - McGee - Tim.
[Into the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Sorry McGee.


"NCIS: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [finding out DiNozzo's test results] Positive? Is he going to be okay?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If he isn't, he answers to ME!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, Kate's never been sake bombing.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, I don't think I have, either.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I work with a pair of wankers.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] And you make three, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Morning, boss.


"NCIS: Philly (#14.5)" (2016)
Nick Torres: Well, maybe I know a business man in DC who dabbles in smuggling.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You find him - squeeze him?
Nick Torres: Oh yeah, quite literally if I have to
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good! McGee go with him. Hold the leash.
Nick Torres: But not too tight, McGee. I don't really bite.
Timothy McGee: Somehow I doubt that.

Timothy McGee: Is he implying that I'm the good cop?
Nick Torres: Yeah. That's what he saying. He's saying very nice cop. And that you look good in that jacket, because I can see a little spark in his eyes.
Timothy McGee: [McGee puts Daly in an arm lock and slams him against the interrogation table] Are you saying I'm the good cop?
Ivan: [Screaming in pain] Get him off me!
Nick Torres: Y-Yeah, I- I would but you know, he's - he's actually scaring me.
Ivan: Okay, I know a place! Just get off me! God!
Timothy McGee: [McGee releases him, and tosses him a pen] Good. Write it down! Use your *good* hand!
Nick Torres: Damn! All right. Next time, I hold *your* leash.


"NCIS: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking for additional information on the search for a suspect's car] And?
Anthony DiNozzo: And we - we can't find it. Uh, but we're not going to give up until we do.
Timothy McGee: [adds] Or die trying.
[Ziva looks at McGee like, "Say What?"; Tony looks at McGee like, "You Didn't"; Gibbs walks away]
Anthony DiNozzo: "Or die trying!"? You had to put *that* in his head?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Special Agent Ziva David: I didn't cave in! I was trying...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee next.
Timothy McGee: Yeah but, Boss, it wasn't what it...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And my loyal Saint Bernard held out till last.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probably all of thirty seconds. So - what is my team? In fact, can I call you my team?


"NCIS: Dagger (#6.9)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Something wrong, Director?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Sec Nav. Someone hacked into the Defense Intelligence computer, downloaded Domino. The *real* Domino. They traced it to your computer, McGee. You and Gibb have just committed treason!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not showing up on the map. Let me restart the scan.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Might want to hurry. Ziva's turning in circles. Either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.


"NCIS: Once a Hero (#4.8)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, there's no bag. Maybe the killer took it.
Officer Ziva David: Maybe she just didn't have a bag.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Officer Ziva David: Do I have a bag, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, but you're not a... Well, I mean, you're a woman. You're just not a... not a normal...

Special Agent Timothy McGee: How does a homeless guy staying illegally in a hotel order room service?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [exhausted, half-asleep] This wouldn't be a trick question, would it, Probie?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He calls room service.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [mimes picking up a telephone with his stapler] "Room Service? Hi, this is the homeless guy staying illegally in Room 607... that's correct, the room shut down for maintenance. I'd like to order some breakfast."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Definitely a trick question.


"NCIS: Double Back (#11.13)" (2014)
Timothy McGee: I traced that call, Boss. I traced it fast.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know.
Timothy McGee: Am I doing the job or not?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're more important than the job, Tim.
Timothy McGee: No. I'm not.

[last lines]
Timothy McGee: If it's okay, I'm going to come in tomorrow and tell the others what happened.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whenever you're ready, Tim.
Timothy McGee: Boss, would you mind sitting with me?
[Sirens and hospital voices can be heard in the background]


"NCIS: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did not change when your books made you plush.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Flush. Thanks Ziva. But it really wasn't that much. Bought my car, bought some clothes. What was leftover I put in a hedge fund which just crashed.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sorry. So that is why you have been so distracted lately.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It shows, huh?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we got a problem. Barthomew Leming from OHS is here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's the problem?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's the *real* Barthomew Lemming. The guy we've been dealing with is an imposter.


"NCIS: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's like taking spit out of the ocean.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then how'd he do it?
Special Agent Courtney Krieger: Claims someone contacted him, and offered the service.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Eraser.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What movie's that from?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] I don't know. "Flashdance"?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Special Agent Ziva David: You're getting a pony?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's an adage.
Special Agent Ziva David: I am not familiar with that breed.


"NCIS: Enemies Domestic (#8.9)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister, now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
Former NCIS Special Agent Riley McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Denied.

Former NCIS Special Agent Whitney Sharp: It's like herding cats, huh, Agent McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't like it at all, Agent Sharp. I have a dozen other retired agents. I have Branch, I've got Morrow, I've got Nedrow. I have more directors than the front row of the Oscars.


"NCIS: Kill Chain (#11.12)" (2014)
Timothy McGee: Boss, I had no idea. If I did, I would've warned you.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Warned me about what?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: About me. Hey, Jethro.
Leon Vance: It's not another one of your ex-wives, is it?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Close enough.

Abby Sciuto: [to McGee, who has just walked in wearing a tux] McGee! You look like the top of a wedding cake.
Timothy McGee: Thank you, I think.


"NCIS: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You do realize this is a trap? She's practically inviting us to mess with her.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, what kind of man would I be if I turned down such an enticing invitation.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You wouldn't be a sucker.
Ziva David: [DiNozzo picks up a marker and starts moving towards Ziva's face] ... Touch me and die!

Abby Sciuto: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane. Along with 2 bodies and all the evidence. And now it is mine. It is *all* mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva David: Or who killed them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby Sciuto: Sure, uh, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.


"NCIS: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [smacked in the head yet again by Gibbs] You know, repeated trauma to the head can cause brain damage.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Explains a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is this side of my head bigger?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but so is the other side.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as McGee is explaining what he's doing on the computer] Less narration, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tracing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva, as McGee's fingers continue to fly on the computer keyboard] Look at that. It's incredible. Probie's lips are still moving - while he's working! It's like one of those Romanian orphans who can't stop rocking.
Officer Ziva David: You are so prejudiced.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not. I'm not! By the way, that's a contraction. *I'm.* You should try it sometime.


"NCIS: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it just me or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's cause he's looking forward to it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Looking forward to what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Finally getting to kill him!

[Tony narrowly survived the pneumonic plague]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You know that he told all the girls downstairs you were gay.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...He what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He said it would cut down on the competition.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...That bastard.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hold on to that feeling.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You want to know what he said about you?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He told everyone you tried to sleep with him down in Paraguay.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: ...I-will-kill-him.


"NCIS: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (#11.1)" (2013)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Special Agent Fornell! Is this about your ex-wife?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Parsons enters the squad room] Yeah, yeah. He's okay - working with us now.
Richard Parsons: It's nice to see that you guys are alive and well. Look, I'm sorry about the...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: I want my badge back!
Richard Parsons: Yeah, I can understand that. Not a problem now that the case is - dismissed. I'll talk to Director Vance about that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, Dick.


"NCIS: Call of Silence (#2.7)" (2004)
Gibbs: McGee: he says he's been reporting this to 9-1-1, can't get anybody to believe him.
Timothy McGee: Gee, what a surprise.
Gibbs: Trace the call, I want to hear one of them.
Timothy McGee: On it.
Gibbs: Kate: he's a former Marine, probably WWII. Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Got his Social Security number?
Gibbs: They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: So how am I supposed to get his SRB without his serial number?
Gibbs: Well, Kate, you could ask him.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his shoe size...
Gibbs: [barks an order] Corporal Yost!
Ernie Yost: Yo!
Gibbs: Serial number!
Ernie Yost: 3-3-0-0-9-0, *sir*!
Gibbs: [to Kate] Or, you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: I'm tired of arguing with you, Gibbs. I want Corporal Yost taken into custody.
Gibbs: I can't.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: Damn it, Gibbs! Do you think I want to incarcerate an eighty-two year old man? I am following the SecNav's direct orders! He said, "investigate," you did, and found enough evidence to hold him over for a court-martial. Now take him into custody!
Gibbs: I said, "can't," not "wouldn't."
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.
Gibbs: The older they are, the sneakier they are.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every fifteen minutes. We got tired of escorting him. One time, he left the room and never came back.
Timothy McGee: We found a window open, he must have shimmied down the drainpipe.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: [sarcastic] I'd like to have seen that.
Timothy McGee: I put out an APB. Airports. Train stations. Taxicabs. Walker... rentals.


"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right... Now!... NOW!...
[Looks around for Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: Somebody's clock is off.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Tony's looking at the crime scene photos] Tony, there's nothing new to learn there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There has to be!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The alternative is that Ducky was Dr. Mengele!


"NCIS: Seek (#10.18)" (2013)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm just sayin'. If Vance is waiting for Robin Williams in drag to come floatin' in on some umbrella singin' "Do-Re-Mi", he's gonna be waitin' a long time.
Timothy McGee: Wow, Tony! Three movie nannies in one reference. That's impressive!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you. It's called a mash-up, McPhee, and that makes four movie nannies, in case you're counting.

Norman Pittorino: You boys have 4 seconds.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Excuse me? 4 seconds for what?
Timothy McGee: Tony RUN!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Zeus, Apollo, McGee NO. No McGee. Don't lock that door! Way to be a team player, McGee!
Timothy McGee: Sorry I panicked, OK!


"NCIS: Jack Knife (#7.15)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Abby about Gibbs] He's up at the crack of dawn, if he goes to bed at all. What exactly is running through that guy's veins?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Coffee, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Right, Boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. Get me some.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Get Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Wake them up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, oh, oh. Right. Um... Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yes.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Got bags under your eyes.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a look that I'm going for.


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I ran that cell phone number that Cobb keyed into this sedan. Id's blocked. It's a secure government line.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well unsecure it, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Whoever it belongs to has a significant clearance level.
Ziva David: That's Ray's cellphone number

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this is not just another random suspect. This guy is very bad news. If something were to happen to you, I'd...
Abby Sciuto: [Long pause] You'd what McGee?
[They hug]


"NCIS: Escaped (#4.2)" (2006)
Stanley Springer: I don't have to answer ANY MORE of your questions! No matter WHAT you say!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got this little girl... who wants to go home to her dad... and that's not going to happen without *your* help... So... please.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [from observation] Did Gibbs just say...?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: MM-hmm.
Stanley Springer: What- what did - did you want to know? Again?

Ziva David: It's really not that bad, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know, for a spy, you're a horrible liar.


"NCIS: The Bone Yard (#2.5)" (2004)
Agent Timothy McGee: [observing Kate stretch out] Wow, she's pretty flexible.
DiNozzo: Just don't let her catch you looking at her, Probie
Agent Timothy McGee: [Kate smiles at McGee] Think she saw me. She gave me that look.
DiNozzo: What look?
Agent Timothy McGee: Look she's always giving you.
DiNozzo: [Tony looks at Kate] Yep, she saw you. Hope you wore a cup.

Tony DiNozzo: [checking on McGee after Kate kicks him in the groin during training] Oh, she had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there
Timothy McGee: *You think*?


"NCIS: Scope (#13.18)" (2016)
Ellie Bishop: You know, I was thinking about what Riley said.
Timothy McGee: You mean about enjoying memories?
Ellie Bishop: No, more about what you said about your breakfast burrito. And I was thinking, anyone who'd make you a 7 layer burrito on a weekday before work, *that* is love.
Timothy McGee: I was thinking the same thing.


"NCIS: Shiva (#10.12)" (2013)
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Ilan Bodnar. Mossad Deputy Director. I have reason to believe that Director Eli David has come here to see his daughter.
Timothy McGee: Well, I'm afraid she's not here right now.
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Yes, I've been blessed with the gift of sight. What I want is answers.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [chuckles] Take a number.
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Excuse me? And whose grandfather would you be?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, that depends. Who's your grandmother?


"NCIS: Eye Spy (#1.11)" (2004)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So whatever happened between you and Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? Guess that tat on the old caboose did the trick.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Among other things.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't say? Did you see any art on her caboose?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're right, I *don't* say.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll take that as a "no."


"NCIS: Short Fuse (#8.3)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey. Hey. Check it out! Who's the face of NCIS? You're looking at it. Live with it, McEnvy. Get used to it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The will be no living with him now.
Ziva David: [Chuckling] Now?


"NCIS: Recruited (#8.12)" (2011)
Doctor Walter Magnus: My name is uh, is Magnus. I'm meeting with Dr. Mallard.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, okay. Is Ducky in the pond yet, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I haven't seen him. You're welcome to wait for him though, if you like.
Doctor Walter Magnus: If you don't mind, I'd like to - to wait in autopsy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Chuckles] You sure? Smells funny.
Doctor Walter Magnus: Well, that's uh, that's a matter of opinion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a matter of dead bodies. Stinky.


"NCIS: Better Angels (#11.7)" (2013)
[Arguing about who has point, Tony and Tim speak in perfect unison]
Timothy McGee: Update. Go!... What?
Anthony DiNozzo: Update. Go!... What?


"NCIS: The San Dominick (#12.5)" (2014)
Abby Sciuto: Gosh, I just got chills.
Timothy McGee: Why's that?
Abby Sciuto: You're just... changing... right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.


"NCIS: Suspicion (#4.12)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Deputy, please remove your trousers.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [scoffs] You know what? Screw you, McGee!
Sheriff Tom Barrett: Tyler...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you prefer, I can have Officer David remove them for you.


"NCIS: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm fine, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: All right, but I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [angrily, to Tony] You put superglue on my keyboard.


"NCIS: Conspiracy Theory (#2.19)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Gibbs and Fornell are about to interrogate a suspect] So what's the plan, good cop/bad cop?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Which one's which?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [chuckles] I think you'll have to ask their ex-wives that one.


"NCIS: Out of the Frying Pan (#8.18)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [watching the video of Vance's interrogation of Nick] Sure looked like a confession.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure sounded like a confession.
Ziva David: It was clearly a confession.


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [having just met Ziva's boyfriend] So it's not Renaissance Ray, it's CIA Ray. He's CI-Ray.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tic or something.


"NCIS: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)
Timothy McGee: If I said that to Gibbs, I would be seeing stars.
Abby Sciuto: Well *that's* the advantage of being *me*!


"NCIS: New Orleans: Pandora's Box, Part II (#3.14)" (2017)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll run interference.
Dwayne Pride: I appreciate it, Jethro. You always had a gentler way with suits.
Timothy McGee: [McGee chuckles] Sorry. That wasn't a joke?


"NCIS: Hiatus (#3.23)" (2006)
[after Tony refers to "The Usual Suspects."]
Officer Ziva David: I'm confused.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [from the backseat] So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "The Sound of Music" confuses *you*, Probie.
Officer Ziva David: I love that movie!
[She starts to sing, DiNozzo claps a hand over her mouth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's a Small World" for 24 hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Officer Ziva David: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.


"NCIS: Hometown Hero (#2.21)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was trying to figure out the wipers. Took my eyes off the road for a second, looked up. There it was. Right in front of me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Car?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Bus.
[Tony gasps]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I got a student pass the day I got out of traction.
[Tony hugs McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I didn't know.


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Year of the Spy.
Abby Sciuto: Spies have their own year?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: More spies were arrested on US soil in 1985 than any other year in history. That's why the media dubbed it the "Year of the Spy."


"NCIS: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)
[McGee and Abby are talking about Gibbs and Col Mann]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, the colonel said to Gibbs "funny how we keep meeting up like this"
Abby Sciuto: McGee, you are reading *way* too much into this!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, you were not there, and you did not see the look on his face!


"NCIS: Double Identity (#7.17)" (2010)
National Park Inspector Edward Killian: [after running a fingerprint scan on McGee] Timothy, no middle name, McGee... You broke into a Metro PD impound yard?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's the matter with you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, that was supposed to be expunged.


"NCIS: Rogue (#14.1)" (2016)
Timothy McGee: How are uh Harm and Mac? How are they doing?
Bud Roberts, Jr.: Actually, it's really interesting. So Harm
[Quinn enters]


"NCIS: Dead Man Talking (#1.19)" (2004)
[trying to fight off a group of bar patrons as Amanda starts to escape]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stop him! Stop him!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stop *her*! Stop *her*!


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hate me? Nobody hates me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Paula Cassidy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't go there! People like me. I'm a nice guy!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What about the, ah, woman that posted your picture on the herpes-alert website?


"NCIS: The Voyeur's Web (#3.6)" (2005)
[Ziva and Tony are eating Chinese takeout at his desk]
DiNozzo: Chow's gettin' cold, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No time. I've got to find out where all this "Naughty Naughty Neighbors" website money went, because if I don't, Gibbs might actually decide to kill me this time.
DiNozzo: He has an excellent point.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This doesn't make sense. They made almost half a million dollars, that kind of money can't just disappear.
Special Agent Ziva David: [brings a takeout carton to his desk] Money changes hands, McGee. Rarely does it disappear.


"NCIS: Hiatus (#3.24)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Ziva puts her weapon on the table during an interrogation] That's not loaded is it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would Gibbs allow Ziva to carry a loaded weapon in there?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And I'm not Gibbs, right?


"NCIS: Gut Check (#11.9)" (2013)
Timothy McGee: What? You read a book on disarming bad guys?
Ellie Bishop: Three older brothers!


"NCIS: Devil's Trifecta (#10.9)" (2012)
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [Referring to Diane] It's getting late - with Lambert on the loose, she should probably sleep at your house tonight. I'll talk to you later.
[Tries to leave quickly. Gibbs stops him]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, you're right. She shouldn't be alone. And since you married her last, I think that means your place.
Abby Sciuto: [Watching from the side,] This is gonna be good.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I've got no clean sheets.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My heater's broken.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I've got toxic black mold in my kitchen.
Timothy McGee: I'll let these two figure it out since I know the one place she's definitely *not* staying.
[Gibbs and Fornell turn and face McGee]


"NCIS: Engaged (Part II) (#9.9)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I used to thrive on all night stake outs, sub-zero surveillance. Maybe this is a sign something's missing from my life.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Like what - frostbite?


"NCIS: Doppelganger (#2.12)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are we going, boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert's shipmates.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But he's not on a ship, boss.
[staring look from Gibbs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh. Sir, you... you were using a military euphemism.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya think?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, uh, you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You speak their language.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean I'm going to interview them?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on.


"NCIS: Squall (#10.19)" (2013)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why lie? Why avoid the truth? Why avoid your son?
Admiral John McGee: Alright.
[sits down]
Admiral John McGee: Because I'm sick. No one could know. Stage 4. I wasn't feeling well when we showed up for the exercises. I knew Haber was top notch, so I transferred to the Borealis. Haber gave me something for the pain... but he knew what was causing it.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He was going to report it to NavCent.
Admiral John McGee: Doctor/Patient privilege is a little different when it comes to National Security. So that meant the end of my career.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's motive to keep the Commander quiet.
Admiral John McGee: Gibbs... I've been a lot of things. Been a lousy father, I've been a son of a bitch. But I'm no murderer.
Timothy McGee: [stares into the interrogation room and begins to cry]


"NCIS: Kill Ari (#3.1)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You were my sweet superhero, Kate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [Kate appears dressed like Trinity] You're a naughty boy, Timmy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh my god, I'm becoming Tony.


"NCIS: Homefront (#13.22)" (2016)
Timothy McGee: Tony is tailing Jacob Scott's father-in-law.
Ellie Bishop: Where?
Timothy McGee: At a Russian bath house.
Ellie Bishop: Hmm, at least he didn't send us any visuals.
[Bishop and McGee's phone's ring. They check their phones]
Ellie Bishop: OH!
Timothy McGee: I can't unsee that!
Ellie Bishop: Spoke too soon.


"NCIS: Phoenix (#10.3)" (2012)
[Ducky reviews the investigation's findings in his un-Gibbs-like measured pace]
Donald Mallard: All of which begs the question...
Timothy McGee: What was Roberts planning on doing with the fake moon-dirt?
Ziva David: Why did Hill kill him twelve years ago?
Anthony DiNozzo: And who killed Hill two days ago?
Donald Mallard: Okay, three questions.
[turns to Gibbs]
Donald Mallard: So, where to start?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's four questions.


"NCIS: Brothers in Arms (#4.21)" (2007)
Timothy McGee: [following behind Director Shephard] Ever seen anyone walk that fast in heels?
Anthony DiNozzo: Only after a very hairy date.


"NCIS: Bulletproof (#11.15)" (2014)
Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and McGee are going through paperwork] This recall paperwork is mind numbing.
Timothy McGee: Well, legal statutes, mandatory procedures and corporate oversights are meant to protect us.
Anthony DiNozzo: Whatever happened to Darwinism?
Timothy McGee: You have to sign a release for that.


"NCIS: Lockdown (#13.5)" (2015)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can think of a few other adjectives that describe our boss better.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Grumpiest.
Ellie Bishop: Angriest.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Loneliest.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Quietest.
[Everyone turns and sees Gibbs standing behind them. Slight pause]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But also fairest.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Strongest.
Ellie Bishop: Coolest.


"NCIS: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)
DiNozzo: [Tony gets off elevator, spots McGee at computer] McGee, are you nuts?
Timothy McGee: What?
DiNozzo: You're at Gibbs's desk, touching his computer! That's like touching... the Ark of the Covenant!
Timothy McGee: Gibbs knows I'm doing this.
DiNozzo: He said you could use his computer?
Timothy McGee: Uh huh.
DiNozzo: Really! You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering from offscreen] 'Cause your fingers were always greasy from fried chicken and pizza. How's it going?
Timothy McGee: Bringing it online now, boss.
DiNozzo: What?
Timothy McGee: Yearbook photos from every British university taken between '87 and '97.
DiNozzo: Who said our terrorist was British?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky. Thought his syntax suggested higher education in the British Isles.
DiNozzo: Well, maybe he grew up watching tons of Cary Grant movies.
[Gibbs slaps Tony's head]


"NCIS: Decompressed (#13.14)" (2016)
Sam Harper: Uh, Agent McGee? Are we witnesses here, or are we suspects?
Timothy McGee: That depends. Did you kill De La Rosa?
Sam Harper: No way.
Timothy McGee: Then I guess you're a witness.


"NCIS: Enemy on the Hill (#9.4)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Drew Turner?
Drew Turner: Yes?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're a woman.
Drew Turner: Uh, what gave it away?


"NCIS: Swan Song (#8.23)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No case?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. There's a case. Just not ours.
NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: [Barret enters. To her team] Gear up!


"NCIS: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [just arriving at his desk] This better not be another recall drill! I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon
Officer Ziva David: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They were attacked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She survived.
Officer Ziva David: Her men *weren't* as lucky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What the hell happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] We're going to find out, DiNozzo! Grab your gear!
[they don't react]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: GRAB YOUR GEAR!


"NCIS: After Hours (#13.17)" (2016)
Timothy McGee: [DiNozzo arrives at the crime scene] Where's your date?
Anthony DiNozzo: Probably the same place as your download dinner, McBite Me.
Delilah: No comment.


"NCIS: A Desperate Man (#9.13)" (2012)
Ziva David: Ha ha ha. That was very funny. He would never call you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, he just did.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee's phone rings] Uh, I've got a private number coming through here. Think it may be Ray.
Ziva David: Ignore. Hit ignore.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Better hope he doesn't call Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Too late.


"NCIS: Capitol Offense (#6.3)" (2008)
[Tony learns Abby let Ziva stay at her apartment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You two spent the night together? What's going on here, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't know, don't care. None of my business, DiNosey.
Ziva David: [pulling Tony aside] You are such a control geek.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Freak.
Ziva David: Yes. That, too. Why do you always need to know everything that everybody does, Tony?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] What he needs to know is that a lieutenant commander's body was found in Rock Creek Park.


"NCIS: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [learning a personal hero tried to frame someone else for a murder] I don't believe it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sorry, probie. I felt the same way when I found out professional wrestling was fake.


"NCIS: Spider and the Fly (#8.1)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. Other things. Like breakfast without beer.
Ziva David: I thought that was the Irish.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Canadians too.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, beer doesn't go well with eggs or oatmeal. Why are you so tan?
Ziva David: Why are you so white?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've always been like this.
Ziva David: Becomes you.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're lying.
Ziva David: Through my teeth.


"NCIS: Mind Games (#3.3)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby Sciuto: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs's gut?
Abby Sciuto: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But... but you just said that...
Abby Sciuto: He's not a scientist.


"NCIS: Tell-All (#8.19)" (2011)
Ziva David: [Watching DiNozzo examine an envelope] McGee, tampering with someone else's mail is a Federal offense, is it not?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I believe it is, Ziva.
Ziva David: And we are Federal Agents.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So it would seem it's our duty to arrest him.


"NCIS: In the Dark (#4.22)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The funny part is, Wong grew suspicious and contacted you. Which is ironic, since you were the one running the bogus investigation out of this office in the first place.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We traced the log-ons to DLA servers back to your computer. Also, a waiter places you at the restaurant with Lynn.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And we have come to believe that it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with a wrench.


"NCIS: Past, Present, and Future (#11.2)" (2013)
Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs] Boss, maybe you could try *saying*... what you're saying?


"NCIS: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did it Abby. I figured out how they got in.
Abby Sciuto: [coming up from behind McGee] How did you know I was here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...I didn't.


"NCIS: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for 47 hours.
Ziva David: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
Timothy McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva David: Oh I can convince far *more* than that.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Ziva David: Not long.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs starts to walk out. Stops] McGee you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
[McGee and Gibbs leave the room, and close the door]
Timothy McGee: [outside] Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there?
[Gibbs stares at him]
Timothy McGee: I don't want to know.
[Gibbs shakes his head]
Timothy McGee: Okay.


"NCIS: Rule Fifty-One (#7.24)" (2010)
Ziva David: It is no the first time he has run off on his own.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey, not the first time he's run off to Mexico.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Certainly not the first time he's gone without telling us anything.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Nothing new to see here.
Leon Vance: [Entering] Not a poker player among you. Terrible. Terrible bluffs. We're all used to how Gibbs operates, for better or worse. Let's just stay focused on what we're good at without Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would that be Director?
Leon Vance: If you don't know, Agent DiNozzo, I'm not going to tell you.