Donald Mallard
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Quotes for
Donald Mallard (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It is a rare place in this world, Mr. Palmer, where reason is the best compass.

[as Ducky is wheeled out of surgery]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My glasses?
[Gibbs puts them back on]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, sweet of you to have held on to them for me while I went under the knife... it's ironic that the solution to one knife should be... Mr. Palmer, would you, would you finish that thought for me?
Jimmy Palmer: Sure, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, and you need to send for a substitute M.E. Uh, Jordan...
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor Hampton?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. On my desk you'll find her number, while I myself lie here getting much "numb-er."
[chuckles]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...
[He is wheeled out]
Abby Sciuto: Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well the next phrase she yells means "You killed my brother."... Any idea why she would have said that?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps because I killed her brother.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you going to make me ask again?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What the *hell's* wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only what was required of me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you *protecting* this guy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I am protecting no one, Jethro. Look, if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Lack of respect shown by you and your people, you will create an international incident.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're the diplomat, not me.
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Obviously. Dr. Mallard?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ambassador?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Have you brought legal counsel?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't need counsel. I've come here to surrender.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What was the point in it all?
Marcin Jerek: How can you still not see?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, what did you want from him?
Marcin Jerek: Nothing! I wanted *nothing* from him.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [realizing] Javid was not your target. He was your weapon.
Marcin Jerek: The boy was a means to break a man. Your bleeding heart eased everyone's fears. Without fear I could not do my job.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You were torturing *me*.
Marcin Jerek: To change you. But you took too long to break.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're forgiven.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: For the crime, Jethro. For the act, there is no forgiveness.


"NCIS: Bête Noire (#1.16)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to a terrorist who has taken him and two others hostage] I can't wait to weigh your liver.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is listening to loud music in the lab] Abby, turn down that babble!

Ari Haswari: [after Ducky tries to get him to take the stairs] You tried to trick me, Doctor Mallard.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It *wasn't* a condition!
Ari Haswari: It is *now*!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Surely, you understand the power of phobias.
Ari Haswari: [exhales] Butterflies.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [quietly to Kate as she's eyeing a scalpel] Kate! No! He *wants* you to try!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after Kate's failed attempt to attack him] Uh, could you give me a go?
Ari Haswari: I think not, Doctor. You would kill me *without* hesitation.


"NCIS: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Jimmy Palmer: [after Ducky talks to his patient] Does it help you to - talk to them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, they're still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [as Dr. Byers arrives] We were finished here, weren't we, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [long pause. Gibbs notices Ducky's interest in Byers] Oh, we were, Ducky.

Commander Janice Byers: Ducky?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, it was something I was tagged with in school in my youth. I used to resent it. Now I quite like it.
Commander Janice Byers: So do I.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I thought I'd show her something that revealed who I am. If she gets turned on, we haven't wasted our time.
Abby Sciuto: You're the man, Ducky... Why can't I find a man like you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, if this doesn't work out, I *am* available.

[last lines]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't let any woman affect you like this, Duck. Especially one you didn't know that well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, my concerns are more immediate. I have two tickets for the opera tonight. She was going to accompany me. Jethro?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I wonder if Kate would be interested. Do you know where she is?
Anthony DiNozzo: No.


"NCIS: Marine Down (#1.9)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [performing an autopsy then Ducky jumps back in shock] Dear Lord! I believe I know how you died Major. May the Lord have mercy on your soul!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, we don't have time for stories on this one.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Fine. But first I have a question: do you people find me... boring?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking simultaneously with the others] No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Absolutely not.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Can we get back to this now?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes the concentration of methanol confirmed my suspicions. The reason I was unable to determine the cause of death was because our Major was alive when they embalmed him!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Our major appears to be in perfect health.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Except for the part where he's dead.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you know what a trocar is, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm guessing it's not an alien on "Star Trek"?


"NCIS: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)
[last lines]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [speaking to ashes of Jane Doe #1] Time for our relationship to change, my dear. It's time for you to go home. But... it's not the home you knew in this life, but I think you'll find peace here. And the way things turned out, so will I.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking over the corpse of Lt. Jane Doe] You're back aren't you? You bastard.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've been holding out on me, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Agent Gibbs... I have.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after evidence links victim to a cold case] He's back, isn't he? Not again, Jethro. We *can't* let him escape again.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The language of silence may be hard to hear, Caitlin. But, unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.


"NCIS: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, over here. Hands and knees.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not going to step on me, are you?
[looks up at Gibbs, Gibbs looks back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, right.
[crouches down]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, footprints, looking for footprints... it's a pretty tight weave.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag.
[Gibbs and McGee just look at him while Palmer grins like a loon]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Uh, from a... criminal investigative standpoint.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky is examining a decomposing corpse dumped in a living room] I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior, but my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That Master's in Psych is starting to pay off, Ducky.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [watching Gibbs in interrogation] She's telling the truth.
Officer Ziva David: Where are you going?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: To tell Gibbs.
[leaves Observation]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you think?
Officer Ziva David: Glad the glass is bulletproof.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How'd this guy die, doctor?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: As I told you, when I know, you'll know.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Know faster.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: A reminder that Shakespeare got it wrong- we are not food for worms, it's the flies and beetles that feast upon us.


"NCIS: Recruited (#8.12)" (2011)
Doctor Walter Magnus: Since her mother died - we uh, Jenny and I, we don't talk much. She has her own family now. People grow aparat. Life goes on.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well,you'll always be welcome here.
Doctor Walter Magnus: It's good being back, Donald.

Abby Sciuto: It's amazing that you guys didn't have all these computers and stuff, and you solved cases. I mean really complicated ones. I mean I know coroners weren't doing Forensic autopsies back then. But it wasn't until 1975 that the FBI installed their first automated fingerprint reader. That sort of revolutionized what I do - what *we* do.
Doctor Walter Magnus: I-I-I haven't understood one thing you said. But I'm all for it. Forensics have certainly changed. haven't they doctor?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, indeed. You should see her when se gets excited about a case.

Doctor Walter Magnus: Unbelieveable. What I would have give for a- a piece of hardware like her - I mean like this.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well you were part of a different era, Walter
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ah Hell, Doctor, nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Your family is your purpose now, Walter. You have a responsibility to those two boys to teach them everything you know.
Doctor Walter Magnus: But damn it, I CAN'T! I mean, don't you see? Before the symptoms started, before the - Hell, alzeheimers diagnosis. I would run cases in my head. Every autopsy, every detail I remembered it all. And now there's NOTHING! That's why I came here. Just one last time. Thinking that maybe it would - it would all come back. Sometimes I can't remember who I was.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Then let me show you.


"NCIS: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Doesn't add up. DiNozzo's more a brawler. Rivkin was kidon.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, I thought you'd never ask.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Entering Gibbs's basement] Jethro, forgive the intrusion.
[notices the boat is missing from the basement]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How did you possibly manage to -?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aw geez, Duck. You gonna ask me that every time?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I know this decision must not have come easily.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It wasn't my decision.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But Tony said...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, it was Ziva's. From the moment she asked me to choose.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But you took to Ziva more quickly than to any other agent before her. Timothy, Caitlin, even DiNozzo. I've always sensed there's a strong bond between the two of you. Something shared perhaps.


"NCIS: Left for Dead (#1.10)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, I don't answer forensics questions I don't know the answers to. You know that. Why do you keep asking me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Force of habit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for 2 years, and I have no idea where you live.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well I just as well kept it we kept it that way.
[Ducky leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [at the crime scene] Okay, let's get to work.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't have a body!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go find one, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, how many times have we had multiple victims?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Quite right, Jethro.
[Ducky walks off. Tony chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's slick, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting Ducky off, so he won't bug us with stories about the...
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better get back to work.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's not very deep.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hastily-dug graves rarely are.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you know why graves are six feet deep, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, six feet is the minimum depth at which the smell of a decomposing corpse cannot attract wild animals. Of course, there are exceptions. A polar bear can smell...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, I said I knew.


"NCIS: Thirst (#9.6)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: [after Ducky catches Abby and Palmer gossiping about him] So you're not mad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mad? Quite. Angry? No what say we all stick to business from now on?

Abby Sciuto: That euphoria would cause an accelerated heart rate and increased body temperature. Resulting in severe dehydration. Which naturall would lead to an extreme... unquenchable...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Thirst.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Sadism masquerading as kindness.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The killer didn't pump Simms full of water. He fed it to him.

Dr. Donald Mallard: The Mallard opus may be lengthy, but I firmly believe that the best chapters are yet to be written.
Mary Courtney: I do like the sound of that.

Dr. Donald Mallard: You know, Jethro, psychotic behavior is so bizzare. Yet, I just can't understand how I missed it. I'll never trust my judgement again.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Won't have to, Duck. I'll trust it for you.


"NCIS: The Meat Puzzle (#2.13)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Drawn-out digressions is a privilege earned, Mr. Palmer.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [holding up an amputated big toe] My God! I think I know who this is!

[Ducky has discovered that the identity of butchered bodies are people associated with a trial he was also associated with]
Jimmy Palmer: Are you scared, Dr. Mallard?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Madame Curie, one of the world's most brilliant thinkers, once said, "There is nothing in life to be feared, it is only to be understood." I think it safe to say that Madame Curie never set her eyes on a meat puzzle. Yes I'm scared... scared as hell.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mother, may I present Caitlin? She works with Tony.
[Mrs. Mallard spits at Kate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mother! We talked about this! Caitlin is here to protect us.
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Show me your knickers!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Uh... ma'am?
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Your underwear, missy! One can always tell a woman's intention from her panties.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's always been my philosophy.


"NCIS: The Truth Is Out There (#1.17)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky. Got some good news for me?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That depends on your definition of good news.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not the answer I was looking for.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to me about this case, Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, it's an odd one. Yes, our young friend here expired at approximately one a.m.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do we have an ID?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, Petty Officer First Class Chris Gordon. He's a SK stationed at Pax River.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All this happened from him falling out of the ceiling?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Hardly. He suffered multiple traumatic injuries. His fall through the ceiling only added insult to injury.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still waiting for the odd part.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone dressed him after he was killed.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's odd.


"NCIS: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a sign of weakness.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not among friends. I'm sorry, Ducky. I should've told you about Shannon and Kelly.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I should have told you something months ago. Welcome home, Jethro.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: With *what*? A safety pin?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: As I explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an icepick or philips head screwdriver.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer, Fornell.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: On a Marine base! Which means it is still *our* jurisdiction!
[She tears up the order to transfer the case to the FBI]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And the moral of course is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I like mine better.


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: McGee seems to have an instinct for this one. Perhaps baby bird is ready to leave the nest.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Speaking of a lawyer] Oh, acts like she hates me, but... she talks like she... likes me.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Ever been married to her?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Chuckles] Yeah, that would explain it, wouldn't it?

Jimmy Palmer: If you're sure I'm ready, Doctor.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, the time has come for you to fly solo. The body is all yours.
[Jimmy takes a scalpel and bends over the body of a dead squirrel, but hesitates]
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard, I am suddenly overcome with a desire to share a story of only a peripherally relevant nature.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's a hazard of the profession, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Engaged (Part I) (#9.8)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: They sure pack them in a lot of ice when they send them home.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Standard procedure, Mr. Palmer. Yes, these Marines made the ultimate sacrifice. The Corps takes pride in how they care of their fallen.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So do we, Duck.

Dr. Donald Mallard: I can assure you Mr. Palmer, for every moment we rest, the families of these fallen Marines do not.
Jimmy Palmer: I apologize.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Don't apologize to me. Apologize to them.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, I doubt my friends here can tell you the details of her whereabouts. But feel free to ask.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't know what to ask.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Then it may be that you are talking to the wrong people. Jethro, the dead have always been kind to me. Provided the answers I have required. But if there is a possibility that First Lieutenant Flores is still alive, then perhaps these are not the ones to whom you should turn.


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to DiNozzo and Ducky] I used both of you because I knew you could handle it.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you need from us now?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Patience.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ducky takes one look at a body] Something familiar, Doctor? Reminds me of... Gibraltar.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [exhales] Yeah. That... was the case.
Jimmy Palmer: What happened in Gibraltar?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's a story for another time, Mr. Palmer.
[closes the lid on the crate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Let's get back to the van, there's nothing more for us to do here.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't come down here to get my head shrunk.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why did you come down here?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just killing time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?


"NCIS: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Didn't Jethro tell you? Or perhaps his cranium trauma is acting... He's behind me, isn't he?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Am I interrupting something?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just Abby's nervous breakdown.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [answering a call from Gibbs] Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after awkward silence] I know I typically dominate the coversation, but since you called me...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Jenny's dead. Yesterday.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear. I... I can't believe that it happened so...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She was murdered. Firefight.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Tony and Ziva?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not involved.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What can I do?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Five bodies... on their way.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I assume one of them is...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. Tell McGee, tell Abby. I'm gonna need them.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I know, Duck.
[Ducky solemnly turns to Abby and McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jenny.
[Abby gaps in horror]


"NCIS: Double Identity (#7.17)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Duck, everything okay?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah. Never better. Why do you ask?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Half my team's worried about you.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Let me guess which half: Abby and Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: When were you gonna tell me, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Soon. I thought about having a service, but all of mother's friends pre-deceased her. I was all she had.

Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm surrounded by death, Jethro. I wanted to deal with the personal loss myself. Did you know she was almost a hundred, that she had an active full life? But this last year she had not been herself. It was her time. Natural progression of age.


"NCIS: Yankee White (#1.1)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know, Abby, nature always proves to be a far more elusive and powerful killer than man.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I did, rather.

Coroner Elmo Poke: Hello, Ducky. How'd you like them steaks I air-expressed you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Delicious.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?
Agent Caitlin Todd: It's a big state. Look how long it took them to get here.


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Officer Ziva David: And with whom he was doing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Doing what?
Officer Ziva David: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done? What?
Officer Ziva David: Done!
[Ziva leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not *this* queen.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How is Mr. Palmer?... I really miss his assistance. You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hah, he'll be all right.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, you let me worry about the shooter.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death. But for the time being. I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [after Jimmy explains having disliked sand since itching excessive following playing in some as a child] Well it wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand might what?
Dr. Donald Mallard: The sand mite bit you.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand bites?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, sand mites might bite.
Jimmy Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: But medically found.

Jimmy Palmer: I need help, Doctor. I can't tell whether this is a metacarpal or metatarsal bone.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Neither. No, it's the lower extremity of a Lepus cuniculus.
Jimmy Palmer: A rabbit's foot?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah. Look at the markings here on the end. It's where the metal keychain cap was attached.
Jimmy Palmer: Huh. Someone must've been carrying this for good luck. I wonder if they can get their money back?
[chuckles until Ducky gives him a disapproving look]
Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. Uh, that was just a joke. And it was not a good joke. I realize that, now.
Abby Sciuto: [entering] DNA! I need more. I finished ID'ing the first four victims - ugh! - and I'm ready for a new batch.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, if you've finished your multi-species insensitivity?

Abby Sciuto: [re: McGee] Just think about his last girlfriend: she tried to kill him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Or an overprotective panther.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That invitation extend to me too, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Since when have you waited for an invitation? Don't answer that. I know you like to keep people on their toes.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to a body] You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to dead body, about Abby] You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.


"NCIS: Jet Lag (#7.13)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [as Gibbs is leaving] Yeah, it's been a long time since I visited Paris. Or - or went to the theatre.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs stops and turns around] YOu asking me on a date, Duck?
Abby Sciuto: [Over the computer] Can I come too?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well thank goodness for this in-flight Wi-Fi. Does this qualify us for uh, Mile High Club?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Certainly not. I'm surprised to hear that you are not already a member.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I never said I wasn't!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh no, memory card's full. Means I have to delete some of my photos from Paris.
Dr. Donald Mallard: If you have any of that pyramid outside the Louvre, delete them. That glass monstrosity is an offense to good taste.


"NCIS: Spinning Wheel (#13.11)" (2015)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Holding out a toy train to Nicholas] I think you dropped this. I thought you might be looking for it. Hello Nicholas.
Nicholas Mallard: [Long pause as he recognizes Ducky. ] Beep. Beep. You got my letter. You found me, Donnie. You found me.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I did that. I told you I would.

Young Dr. Donald Mallard: Now listen, your mother...
Young Nicholas Mallard: I know... Thought she'd *never* leave!
Young Dr. Donald Mallard: You cheeky little monkey.

Young Dr. Donald Mallard: I will scour the entire planet, look under every rock, turn every town and city upside down, ransack every third world flea pit until I find my brother again!


"NCIS: Shiva (#10.12)" (2013)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Made killing himself easier.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Pity does not validate cowardice.

Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Ilan Bodnar. Mossad Deputy Director. I have reason to believe that Director Eli David has come here to see his daughter.
Timothy McGee: Well, I'm afraid she's not here right now.
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Yes, I've been blessed with the gift of sight. What I want is answers.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [chuckles] Take a number.
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar: Excuse me? And whose grandfather would you be?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, that depends. Who's your grandmother?


"NCIS: Safe Harbor (#9.5)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky, what do you think? Gibbs and Borin - date/mate material?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, given their combined work ethic, they'd probably never see each other. Which could be a recipe for the worlds shortest courtship, or extreme longevity.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So nobody's with me on team Bibbs?
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Entering] No!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We can change the name.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: You should change the subject, DiNozzo.

CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: You know, I spent 3 years on a cutter off Miami. The ones who make it to shore are usually the ones you don't want as neighbors.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why's that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Because they're willing to do anything to survive.


"NCIS: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: I like everything about Christmas. Except the Chipmunk Song. And shopping, I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone, especially Gibbs. What do you get a guy who has nothing and wants nothing?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some squeaky shoes.
Abby Sciuto: [spins around] Hi, Gibbs!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something wrong, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who is supposed to have been dead 17 years.
[Hands Ducky a folder]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: His death certificate.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh dear.
[gaffs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone's in trouble.
[looks at the death certificate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I signed it?


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I've been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
Jimmy Palmer: And one of the first times I didn't get us lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: True.

Officer Ziva David: [venting] I'm being treated like a leopard!
Dr. Donald Mallard: I believe the phrase is, "Like a leper."


"NCIS: My Other Left Foot (#1.12)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: This guy had huge feet. You could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Ducky!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Find anything?
Abby Sciuto: Nothing but I'll tell you one thing though he had huge feet. I could wear this sock as a leg warmer
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns!
Abby Sciuto: [Mild giggle from Ducky] Oh I got something.


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Belief is the currency of the dillusional, Jethro - not the mentally ill.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So, Duck - she crazy or not?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Crazy is not a technical diagnosis.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not a technical guy, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, the short answer is no.


"NCIS: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't this punishing her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, maybe it's tough loving.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You do know there are other kinds.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The truth, Ziva, may set you free.
Officer Ziva David: And it may not.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ziva, some bodies are not meant to stay buried. What happened to him?


"NCIS: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)
Lt. Roy Sanders: Table's cold.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: None of my other patients ever complained.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here, is you talk back.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I've emailed your records to the doctors at AFRI. They'll be running more tests. Try to conserve your energy. You'll need it later. I don't want to see you back on my cold table.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Appreciate your help, Doc.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good luck.


"NCIS: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them, I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted, hickory-shafted, vintage golf clubs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Notices Ducky standing nearby] I think you just did.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky walks closer] Let's just call it even, Timothy. That Jazz albumn that I borrowed from you?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good question.
[Ducky leaves]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [speaking of a victim] His attempts to abuse himself to death were interrupted by a 22 caliber slug to the head.


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Native Americans designed their pole so that the lower you were on it, the higher they held you in esteem. Calling someone "low man on the totem pole" is in fact a compliment.
Jimmy Palmer: So all these years, Gibbs has been complimenting me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Oh, I wouldn't go that far, Palmer.

Jimmy Palmer: [as they're defrosting a body] Heat wave in autopsy. Guess there really is global warming.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Groans] Autopsy is indeed topsy-turvy today, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Put that insidious device away, Mr. Palmer. This is a crime scene not a chat room.
Jimmy Palmer: Sorry Doctor. It's just - it's just that she texted me "yes."

Jimmy Palmer: I'm just test driving for my big date. I'm also trying on disposable contact lens.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Change is good Mr. Palmer, as long as you are the motivation for the change.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Ugh. Smells like a French whorehouse in here!
Jimmy Palmer: Uh, that's me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?


"NCIS: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Petty officer Kevin Wingate. Disciplined for drug possession. Low quantity.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Personal use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of discipline?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sixty day restriction.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. He hasn't been off the boat?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not in two months.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he didn't get the dose on land, he could have cooked it up himself.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or someone brought it to him. Shipmates thought he'd kicked.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I guess he fell off.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [entering] We do not guess, Timothy. Nor do we assume, presume, conjecture, or prognosticate.


"NCIS: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)
[Ducky is undercover as "Harrow"]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [over radio] Get the diamonds.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Rene, aren't you forgetting something?
La Grenouille: [regarding the bottle of Napoleon brandy] Ah, my bottle of history is yours, my friend. Add to it well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't know what to say...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard, Special Agent Timothy McGee: [over radio] GIVE ME THE DIAMONDS!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [walking up on Jenny and the team in a heated discussion] Am I interrupting something?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Not at all. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mr. Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I am interrupting something. I'll come back.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Doctor! Death was most likely caused by...?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Miocardial Infarction. Brought on by a combination of a high-fat western diet and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs.


"NCIS: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, just who are you trying to save?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I look at her, I see Kelly, Duck. How it should have been.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, be careful. Don't let your - Somethings *can't* be undone.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wasn't there then, I am *now*.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone grabbed him vise like and SQEEEZED.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh, yeah. That would've been me, Duck.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause. Ducky and McGee exchange looks] I'll go see how the others are doing.


"NCIS: One Shot, One Kill (#1.13)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can we hurry it up. Don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You *knew* the man?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope.
[Gibbs walks away. Ducky talks to the corpse]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute *best* we have.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our "good friends", the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ducky] Scalpel.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: "The sky is blue, the grass is green, may we have our Halloween?" That was how we used to say "Trick or treat" in Scotland.
Sarah Niles: [as he gives her some candy] Thank you.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You're very welcome, Your Highness.

[the M.E. van pulls up, its windshield splattered with eggs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Sorry we're late, only we had a run-in with some local youths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Doctor.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
[Palmer opens the van, letting out two teenagers in ninja outfits]
Ninja #1: Where are we?
Ninja #2: Are we in trouble?
Ninja #1: We said we were sorry!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [handing them Windex and paper towels] Right... clean it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were *real* ninjas.


"NCIS: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is spinning in circles on a stool] Abby. Abigail! What are you doing?
Abby Sciuto: I'm trying to change my spacial orientation. Help myself get a new perspective.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How's it working?
Abby Sciuto: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: At great personal expense, I'm afraid. I agreed to be Tom Hubbard's Bridge partner at a tournament next month. A weekend in hell.


"NCIS: Hometown Hero (#2.21)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're holding Petty Officer Dobbs' body for you at the Dover morgue.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't get it, I thought he died in combat.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you expect me to find?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, Jethro, I can spend forever finding nothing.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You ever think the petty officer might be guilty?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Crossed my mind.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: More than once obviously. Othewise you'd be telling me your gut says he's not guilty.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Several marine guts in Iraq saying that.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not yours?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause] Yeah. Yeah. My gut says it too!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Your gut? Or Semper Fi?


"NCIS: Sins of the Father (#9.10)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Didn't see this one coming.
Dr. Donald Mallard: How could you? This is going to be a sticky one.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Blunt force trauma?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why do you need me? I'll know more when I get him out of the trunk.

Dr. Donald Mallard: At the moment, Tony is understating Senior's proclivity for misguided adventure.
Abby Sciuto: I always thought Tony was exaggerating when he tells us those insane stories about his dad.


"NCIS: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Ziva David: No, it was my fault.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I distracted you from doing your job.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's both of your faults. Focus on fixing it.

Dr. Donald Mallard: A toast. Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good cheer for fall.
Abby Sciuto: And to all a good night... Wrong holiday.


"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to Abby and McGee] I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.

[Palmer is trying to sort the assorted pieces of connective tissue found at the crime scene]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think it best to start with a corner piece, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Um, Doctor...?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Haven't you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? You always start with the corners. May I suggest the plantar fasciae?
Jimmy Palmer: The feet?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, and then build it up from there. The anterior vesiculus...
Jimmy Palmer: ...Of the ankle.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mmm-hmm.
Jimmy Palmer: And then the fasciae crusus of the lower calf. Oh, thank you, Doctor! That's a very helpful analogy.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And a fitting one, too, considering the original term for jigsaw puzzle was "dissected maps." So named by the Europeans in the late 1760's. They used to take maps and cut them up into irregular pieces for their children to reassemble.


"NCIS: Freedom (#8.13)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Target was the wife, Duck... I wouldn't blame her if she did it.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Nobody would. But that doesn't make any less of a crime.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I gotta get her to open up.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I agree. But I'm not sure you're the one for the job. Agent David has been through things that you and I cannot even imagine, and she knows what it's like to be controlled.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not sure I want to open up those wounds.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, but she may be the only one who can connect with her.


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [during a secret planning session to help Ziva] Danger, intrigue, a damsel in distress. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Abby Sciuto: I talked to Ziva yesterday.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that one coming.
Abby Sciuto: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would Ziva care we knew that you bowl with nuns?


"NCIS: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)
[Ducky comes in and sees Jimmy and Abby starting an autopsy]
Dr. Donald Mallard: What are you doing?
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard!
[stammers, then]
Jimmy Palmer: She made me!
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, well, everything seems to be in order. Why don't you begin while I get changed?
Jimmy Palmer: You're not mad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Work cannot stop, Mr. Palmer, because my mother's nurse chooses to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
Abby Sciuto: So, what'd you do with your mom?
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [following him in] Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!
Dr. Donald Mallard: We *did* go for a ride, mother.
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh... you drive too fast, Donald.

[as Gibbs leads Mrs. Mallard back into Autopsy]
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: You may not believe this, but Donald was the cutest little child! He had long, curly blond hair, everyone thought he was a girl until he was twelve...
[frowns]
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: When his voice changed.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, will you please chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I've found?


"NCIS: Flesh and Blood (#7.12)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've heard the saying he got blown out of his shoes but I never thought I'd see it.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

Abby Sciuto: Maybe Tony didn't have a mother. Maybe he was cloned.
Dr. Donald Mallard: There certainly is a strong familial resemblance.


"NCIS: Minimum Security (#1.8)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't see Chanel No. 5.
Abby Sciuto: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My mother does.
Abby Sciuto: Really.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby Sciuto: So... does your mother...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [re: images Abby's viewing] This isn't yours, I hope.
Abby Sciuto: No. It's off Sa'id's harddrive. SOMETHING's wrong! The files are too big.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [slight chuckle] Not just the files.


"JAG: Ice Queen (#8.20)" (2003)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [asking about their current victim] When'd she die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, gosh! Oh, that was in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least twenty years ago. She was an assistant film editor, and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [indicating the dead body] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's been a while.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You care to be more specific?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not until I do the autopsy.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Humor me.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [flirting with Vivian while performing an autopsy] You sure you won't have dinner with me tonight, Viv?
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Oh, Ducky, you're disgusting!
Dr. Donald Mallard: The pursuit of sex is an affirmation of life, Vivian. That's why older men are so lascivious.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: I'm talking about your lack of respect for the dead.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I have the utmost respect for the dead.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Well, that's obvious from the way you speak to them.
Dr. Donald Mallard: If you were dead, wouldn't it be nice if you were spoken to, rather than about?


"NCIS: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I hope your opinion of me doesn't waver after I give this fellow a piece of my mind.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I warn you this could get ugly!
[after Ducky speaks understandingly with the doctor]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastically] I hope she recovers from that tongue lashing.

Navy Lt. Carl Greer: [mercury is flowing out of a cadavers brain] Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Certainly not.
Navy Lt. Carl Greer: What the hell is that?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: This, my dear lieutenant, is murder.


"NCIS: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby, I'm surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What happened?
Abby Sciuto: Too many rules.

Abby Sciuto: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The song remains the same?
Abby Sciuto: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.


"NCIS: Swan Song (#8.23)" (2011)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When's a swan know he's about to die?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some animals just know - when the end is near.

Jimmy Palmer: [Gibbs enters autopsy] Um we-we can call you when we're finished with the autopsy if you...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Leave him be, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I tire of saying "small horse."

Officer Ziva David: [Talking about Director Shepard's new haircut] I see she went for the elf cut.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's called the pixie.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think she looks great.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cirque du Soleil. My mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer, to say the least.
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't we all?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers for quite some time.
Jimmy Palmer: Mark or Ignacio?
[Ducky gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: I-I followed Ignacio's career for quite some time and he was...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: Quitting, sir.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got a cause of death, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, this cyanosis indicates lack of oxygen. That, combined with this ligature mark...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strangled?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, with a wire or cord. And then to finish him off, they stabbed him through the heart. Preliminary measurement shows a three to four inch blade.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing in the alley.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Room is clear, too.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you would know. It is your room.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Way to kick a man when he's down, McBackstabber.


"NCIS: A Desperate Man (#9.13)" (2012)
Jimmy Palmer: [after encountering a classmate at a crime scene] She was very shocked to see me here. What's the big deal? So I work on dead bodies.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Or worked.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Seeing him reminded you of your upcoming vows. "Til death do us part."
Jimmy Palmer: [Palmer chuckles] Those words... they're so serious. Why - why can't it be something more fun like uh "Until we meet again" or "Until the next sunrise" or uh "Until you lose all your hair and gain 300 pounds and I can't stand to look at your anymore."
[Palmer chuckles]
Jimmy Palmer: You know, I'm kidding. Love is blind.
Dr. Donald Mallard: This is the most wonderful time of your life - enjoy it.
[Gibbs enters]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Hopefully, you'll only do it once.


"NCIS: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You did me a favor tonight, Jethro. Tonight is "SmackDown!" night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite program: wrestling.
Jimmy Palmer: Mine too. I love the WWE.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I haven't the heart to tell her it's not real.
[Palmer's face falls]


"NCIS: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know, I'd like to have a chat with the people who wrote these instructional manuals. But I don't believe we have a language in common.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It never made sense to me, to spend a fortune on something that's going to be viewed for a couple hours then stuck in the ground to rot.
Abby Sciuto: Mine has, and will continue to provide me with hours of restful sleep and pleasure.


"NCIS: Tell-All (#8.19)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: [to his bluetooth - laughing] Not if I have anything to say about it. Hon, where did you say we're having dinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh "hon", the Commander cares little about your evening dinner plans, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Uh Brennna - Brenna, I gotta go. Have fun aspirating the bile.
[Ends the call]
Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. She like to have someone to talk to while she's embalming.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you should marry that girl, Palmer.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: If you keep in constant contact with your lover, she will get to know you too well.
Jimmy Palmer: Mmm. I don't follow.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You'll lose the thrill of discovery. The mystery of not knowing. Secrets - if handled properly - can be extremely alluring.


"NCIS: The Good Samaritan (#1.14)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cellulosic fiber, lignin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wood.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean... I... don't... think it's weird.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I thought I was going mad. I mean, the two autopsies were nearly identical. It was deja vu all over again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughs] Hey, that's a Yogi Berra quote.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The cartoon character?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not Yogi Bear. Yogi Berra.


"NCIS: The Curse (#1.5)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: [walking into the morgue] Fore!
[Ducky ducks]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Never do that again.
Abby Sciuto: [laughing] I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to get all freaked out.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, it's an automatic reflex when one is a golfer, Abigail.
Abby Sciuto: Please don't call me "Abigail."
Dr. Donald Mallard: Then don't yell "fore" when I have a niblick in my hand.
Abby Sciuto: A niblick? Sounds like a sex act.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, that's what I thought it was the first time I heard the term. A niblick is what a nine iron used to be called when golf was the province of Scottish nobles, not the democratic "lovely walk spoiled" by the weekend duffer.

Abby Sciuto: Sailor on the half-shell!
Dr. Donald Mallard: *Abigail!*


"NCIS: Caught on Tape (#2.15)" (2005)
[McGee's hands and face are covered with poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What I don't understand is how it got all over my face.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's the urushiol oil in the plant, McGee. Once it gets on your hands, it spreads to anything it comes in contact with.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well... then I have a major problem, Ducky.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Hmm?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I was out there, I had to... you know...
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, I don't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Relieve myself.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh.
[realizing]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh... well, uh, let's take a look, then.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [unbuckles his pants] This is, uh, this is kind of embarrassing...
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm a doctor, McGee. I have seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
[McGee drops his pants]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Good lord.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? What, is it bad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, no, it's fine. Nothing to worry about. I didn't expect to see quite so much... swelling.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'm gonna have to quit.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, your secret is safe with me.
[Jimmy enters]
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I've got the new evaluation forms you req...
[He trails off as he takes in the scene]
Jimmy Palmer: I'll come back.
[Jimmy leaves]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Him I'm not so sure about.

Jimmy Palmer: What I don't understand is all this flesh trauma.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Coyotes, Mr. Palmer. If, as I suspect...
[He looks under the sheet]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Ah, yes. The abdominal cavity has been chewed open. The liver and kidneys are a rich source of nutrients for these creatures.
Jimmy Palmer: Well, that's, uh... gross, Doctor.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, we lucked out, actually, Mr. Palmer. In several cases, coyotes chew off the head and carry it away with them, to prevent it being grabbed by other predators. Yeah, my coroner friend in Los Angeles says that, "coyotes take it to go."
[beat]
Dr. Donald Mallard: They're very strange in Los Angeles.


"NCIS: The Immortals (#1.4)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.


"NCIS: Scope (#13.18)" (2016)
Anthony DiNozzo: Angelini's. Ready?
Jimmy Palmer: I feel so silly. I can't believe I'm the only one without a motorcycle license.
[Palmer gets in the sidecar]
Dr. Donald Mallard: No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass.
Leon Vance: [Vance pulls up on his motorcycle] Gentlemen, let's ride.


"NCIS: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)
[Gibbs ignores an incoming call from Cynthia]
Dr. Donald Mallard: That wouldn't have been your assistant, would it, Director?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do hate a nagging woman, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [chuckling] She's only doing her job, Jethro.


"NCIS: Patriot Down (#7.23)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Now Jethro, wait. This is as much about you as it is about Special Agent Macy. Listen to me. I autopsied Pedro Hernandez. The name seemed familiar at the time. Now I know why. I know what you've been carrying for nearly 20 years. You may not have wanted this to come to the surface, but someone else did. And now they are forcing your hand. Who is it? Tell me Jethro.
[the elevator door starts to close]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro!


"NCIS: Monsters and Men (#11.14)" (2014)
Anthony DiNozzo: [leaving Autopsy] Clock's ticking.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Patience is a virtue, Tony.
Anthony DiNozzo: Not in the Gibbs-iverse.


"NCIS: Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: They weren't married long.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Fourteen months. Top of my class in interrogation.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well remind me to ask for a highly qualified lawyer should I ever be interrogated by you.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: I don't want to be another one of his mistakes, Ducky. I know he's been married three times.
[awkward pause]
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: *More* than three times?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps I should get that lawyer now.


"NCIS: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: The grooves match. All three rounds that you pulled out of toothless downstairs came from Tony's weapon. And none of the blood samples take from the dock match Tony or Ziva's blood type. I think they're going to be okay. Tony is only one of our very best agents and Ziva, she's basically a trained killer, right? I mean, she could take care of herself. And I got a direct link to four different GPS satellites. Either of them get an area with reception again, bam! We got them. I really don't think that there's any reason to worry, Ducky. They're going to be fine.
[Ducky gestures for Abby to come in for a hug]
Abby Sciuto: I need you to tell me they're going to be okay.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Of course they are.


"NCIS: Seadog (#1.3)" (2003)
Dr. Donald Mallard: What do we got Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander's wallet with the Sergeant's prints.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Very upset] You removed a wallet from a body without gloves!
Sergeant Linn: I had to get the vic's name.
Dr. Donald Mallard: He's not a vic! He's a victim! Where did you learn crime scene procedure? Watching Kojak reruns?


"NCIS: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You've never left the scene of a crime before I arrived until this case, Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, had something else to do.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something to do with your Marine Corp Service number?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Leon enters] I was wondering the same thing myself... You're avoiding me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been busy solving a murder, Leon. When I have something you'll be the first to know.


"NCIS: Worst Nightmare (#8.2)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Look, what concerns me. Look at the damage he wrought playing defense. I'd hate to see what he's capable of on offense.


"NCIS: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after an autopsy] I apologize for not seeing it sooner.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Well, you... may want to make an exception in this case.


"NCIS: Red Cell (#2.20)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You're blowing in my ear, Mr. Palmer.


"NCIS: Out of the Frying Pan (#8.18)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Somebody was trying to cover up the real cause of death?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, that's hard to determine, but uh, if I could speculate...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, speculate, Duck.


"NCIS: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about the dead "hired gun" from a murder] Hired by who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Whom, Tony. Who is the nominative case. Whom always follows a preposition.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Dreadful.


"NCIS: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What *exactly* happened?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: JETHRO happened! He went in there to deliver a sick girl's inhaler and got invited to stay.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, but how could he let - ? Of course, he probably planned the whole thing.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Jethro *doesn't* plan, Ducky! He follows his damn gut!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well it usually serves him well.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: It also gets him into trouble!


"NCIS: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: All right, I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was of the essence. And besides, Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.


"NCIS: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [in Gibbs' basement with wires strung from the ceiling] Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only Jethro is allowed to call me that.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no, Ducky. I think she meant duck.


"NCIS: One Last Score (#8.17)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Liver?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Spleen.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Interest?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Psycho".
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't they all?
[Palmer chortles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The movie, Palmer. Disgruntled employee steals from the office on the way out of town. Stops for a little while and winds up dead, just like Marion Crane in "Psycho".
Jimmy Palmer: Spoiler alert, okay? Haven't seen it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've had fifty years to catch up on the story of Norman Bates!


"NCIS: The Penelope Papers (#9.3)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: There's plenty of time to turn off each others calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged your wedding vows.


"NCIS: Hiatus: Part 1 (#3.23)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Ducky, drip it!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you mean "drop it" or "zip it"?
Officer Ziva David: Argh, American idioms drive me up the hall!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well actually it's... ugh, never mind.


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [after Palmer finds something on the victim] Well let's see what it is.
Jimmy Palmer: I've prepared your instruments for you.
Dr. Donald Mallard: No, no, no. This is all *yours*, Mr. Palmer. Allow me to assist.


"NCIS: Vanished (#2.3)" (2004)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I need you to run a tox screen on this tissue sample.
Abby Sciuto: Where'd you get it?
Dr. Donald Mallard: A body exhumed from Arlington. Oh, you look overwhelmed.
Abby Sciuto: I am. And this just came in from the field. Gibbs wants me to run prints on it ASAP.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It appears to be $1.65. Well, this poor fellow's been dead for thirty-six years. I doubt a few more days will matter.


"NCIS: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Examining a body in the field] Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. I mean -
[Ducky lifts a hand of the body]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The other hand too, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky lifts the other hand] Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dead 11 years.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And I know who did it.


"NCIS: Missing (#1.20)" (2004)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I reviewed Corporal Cohen's autopsy results from 2002. His body tissue had high concentrations of insect venom. Honey bees, to be exact.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did it kill him?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Unfortunately, no. Our young friend starved to death. And judging by the fat and muscle tissue loss, it happened over a period of weeks, if not months.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's the first good news I've heard all day.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Huh?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It means there's a chance Tony and Atlas are still alive.
Dr. Donald Mallard: You'll find him, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That a question or a statement, Duck?


"NCIS: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Referring to bachelor parties] I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
Jimmy Palmer: Go on.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No. It's better he doesn't. Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh Jethro, can't I tell him about the time when - better I don't.


"NCIS: Faith (#7.10)" (2009)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah, perhaps if humanity focused *less* on what separates us from one another and more on what we could learn from our differences, we would stop killing one another. That is what I pray for.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You're not the only one, Duck.


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Is that what you want?
Jimmy Palmer: Me? No. No. I love NCIS. But I want to make Breena happy. Doctor... what if this is the only way?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Breena would be happy if you are happy. Tell that to Mr. Ed.


"NCIS: Dead Reflection (#8.21)" (2011)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: At least four days.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That can't be. We've got video of him killing Lieutenant Ross at the Pentagon two days ago.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, this man couldn't have been there.


"NCIS: Dead Man Talking (#1.19)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [seeing Chris Pacci's dead body] Bastard disemboweled him.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, but I don't think that was the cause of death.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that a bullet wound?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, in the neck. Most likely pierced the carotid artery. It was a quick death. He would have bled out in less than a minute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shouldn't there be a lot more blood?
Dr. Donald Mallard: If he was shot in the elevator.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think it happened topside?
Dr. Donald Mallard: That would be my guess. But this, this slashing, was done here in the elevator.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rage or ritual, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I don't know, Jethro. Maybe after I've autopsied him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Chris asked me for help on a cold case. I was chasing Curtain and didn't have time.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He said it could wait. What difference did another day make.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, this is not your fault.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It feels like it is, Ducky.


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: She was so anxious to change your truly. I was beginning to question my own identity.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I know how protective you are of that.
Dr. Donald Mallard: She also put some of mother's silver in the dishwasher.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Really?


"NCIS: Terminal Leave (#2.6)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...after you hang yourself. By the way, do you prefer 'Roland' or 'Muhammed'?
Roland Alan Moore: I'm not going to hang myself.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, yeah, I know that. That's just what my report's going to say. Well anyway, after you hang yourself your body will be autopsied here by Dr. Mallard.
[Gestures to body on table]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Duck! Where are you going to start the cut on Roland?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, he's going to hang himself?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh-huh.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, we have to recover all of this
[the exploded soup from the crypt]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: .
Jimmy Palmer: One wet-vac for the solyent green coming right up.


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Jimmy Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, until now.


"NCIS: Baltimore (#8.22)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I suppose it is possible that Anthony's relation to him is uh, merely coincidental.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You wanna bet, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Nothing I care to lose.


"NCIS: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)
[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm sorry. Ladies first.
Abby Sciuto: That is so sweet!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Today, Abby!


"NCIS: Dead Air (#8.5)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [to DiNozzo] However to prevent further damage, I suggest you refrain from talking for the next 24 hours.
[Ziva laughs]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I understand it won't be easy.
Ziva David: We certainly look forward to seeing you try.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Let's hope that there are no movie references that require your edification. I'd hate for your ego to write a check that your body can't cash.


"NCIS: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking at a monitor of autopsy] I can't belive Gibbs broke protocol!
Abby Sciuto: [slight chuckle] No he didn't.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But he left autopsy.
Abby Sciuto: But not isolation.
[Gibbs and McGee enter wearing biohazard suits]


"NCIS: Cracked (#8.6)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: I can see a kindred spirit in you. I mean, not that I can see your spirit, cause that would be weird. I guess not too weird becasue you're in here and you're... you know, you're -
[Abby clears her throat]
Abby Sciuto: Um anyway, so what I'm trying to say is-is we communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all this. Everyone else saw chaos and I-I saw patterns right away. There were patterns in the chaos... So I... just wanted you to know that whatever it is... that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.


"NCIS: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Without encroaching into your territory, Jethro, might I suggest...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That the dead guy was a dead end. LaComb was the target.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. Any idea why?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I just started looking, Duck.


"NCIS: Masquerade (#7.14)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [after McGee hands him a paper bag with a head inside] I do hope, if the time comes when your head finds itself removed from your body, it is treated with more respect.


"NCIS: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)
[Ducky is "talking" with the body of Col. Cooper, killed by a bomb in a golf course sand trap]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Myself, I have trouble getting out of the sand. But I suppose it's because I don't practice enough. You know, I dig my feet in, I open the club face, but then I forget to follow through, and the ball only goes a couple of feet.
[Gibbs and Col. Mann enter behind him]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not nearly as far as you traveled, my friend.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Is he talking to himself?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, the body.


"NCIS: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Are you behind me, Gibbs?
Dr. Donald Mallard: You flatter me, Abby.


"NCIS: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Where's the bathroom?
Jimmy Palmer: I know!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: First... A toast...
Jimmy Palmer: Dear God make it quick...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Amen!


"NCIS: Enemies Domestic (#8.9)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I appreciate your condolences. And you have mine - regarding your husband.
Former NCIS Special Agent Whitney Sharp: [Chuckles slightly] He detested you.
Dr. Donald Mallard: And I him. But I'm not the kind of man to spit on another's grave.
Former NCIS Special Agent Whitney Sharp: Oh, I think I know exactly the kind of man you are.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah? One... moment of weakness does not define one's character.
Former NCIS Special Agent Whitney Sharp: Doesn't it?


"NCIS: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Gibbs enters Autopsy] I'm fast, but I'm not that fast. Something still bothering you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. We're investigating a homicide *and* a suicide.


"NCIS: Enigma (#1.15)" (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you mean "thought?"
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Do I really have to say it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Say what?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[the bomb explodes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part.


"NCIS: False Witness (#8.10)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: If I am to maintain my proficiency when I'm doing psychological autopsies, I have to keep up with the latest cultural development.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: As long as you keep current on this case, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Fear not. I may be new to social networking. But the Mallards invented multi-tasking.


"NCIS: Family First (#13.24)" (2016)
Ellie Bishop: Hey, how's Tony?
Timothy McGee: Uh, about as you can expect.
Jimmy Palmer: Anything we can do for him?
Timothy McGee: He made one request to do what Ziva would do.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Find Trent Kort.
Timothy McGee: And kill him.


"NCIS: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gonna have to postpone the class, Doctor. We've got a body in Shenandoah National Park.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, perhaps you'd care to share the specifics with the class. The three leading causes of death in our national parks are: heart attacks, hiking accidents, and prolonged exposure to the elements.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not this time. A sailor was eaten... by a bear.


"NCIS: Enemy on the Hill (#9.4)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: That's why she was amazed she found a brother and sister willing to donate.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Your brother also volunteered?
Abby Sciuto: No! I spoke to Luca. He doesn't know anything about it.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm confused. Why does the transplant co-ordinator think you and this man are - siblings?
Abby Sciuto: As part of the screening process, we had to give a miochondrial DNA sample. Ours was a dead on match, Ducky - more than 99.9%. I mean we have to be full on brother and sister, right? I pressed the co-ordinator for details on the guy, like his name and address, but she clammed up. Saying she said too much already.


"NCIS: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Speaking from *personal* experience, Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: That's why I'm *never* getting married.


"NCIS: So It Goes (#12.3)" (2014)
Maggie Clarke: Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.
Dr. Donald Mallard: A colleague and a very good friend of mine lost his soulmate and then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over trying to find her again. I... chose to skip that part.


"NCIS: Hung Out to Dry (#1.2)" (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which marriage?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, the last one, of course.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky. I'm not following.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.


"NCIS: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There is a fine line between cowboy and outlaw.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And with the level of overkill here, you conclusion is -?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mike Franks has crossed that line.


"NCIS: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to the Director] We're still running tests. Don't know right now.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky Enters] Yes we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect, I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't leave the ship?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's not a problem, Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning.


"NCIS: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The hands that pummeled the Petty Officer also bandaged his wound. Whoever did this, Jethro, was both savage and a Samaritan.


"NCIS: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)
[Ducky and Palmer arrive late to the crime scene]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I was facing the rear. My right was your left.
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I just turned the way you said.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [cutting Palmer off] You should've known 'right' meant 'left'!
[Gibbs opens his door]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm terribly sorry, Jethro. Mr. Palmer got us lost again.
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, you had the map.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You gave it to me!


"NCIS: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's very revealing the lengths that some men will go to thrust themselves into the limelight. While others are content to live quietly in solitude.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: The next award to be presented is the Meritorious Civilian Service Award, for demonstrating unusual initiative and a pattern of excellence -Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
[Everyone cheers]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Agent Gibbs?


"NCIS: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, tell Agent Gibbs he can send in the B team.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Implies there's an A team, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't there?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're all A teams.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps some even A plus.


"NCIS: A Man Walks Into a Bar... (#8.14)" (2011)
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Well, you aren't gettting any younger. I'm sure you recognize the irony of quietly facing the dead everyday.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not only do I recognize the irony, I embrace it.


"NCIS: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you suspect foul play?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a bastard.


"NCIS: 16 Years (#13.7)" (2015)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Bishop has IDed the victim] Did you say Lt. Commander Runyon Hayes?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you know him?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I need a word with you.
[Ducky leads him a few feet away]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm afraid I must recuse myself from this case.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't follow.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, because I know far more about this man's murder than I care to admit.


"NCIS: Spider and the Fly (#8.1)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen to Gibbs?
Dr. Donald Mallard: In 1940, Winston Churchill sat in his bunker, smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. 'Let us, therefore, brace ourselves to our duties' he said over the radio, 'and so bare ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say 'this was their finest hour''. The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.


"NCIS: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What about Vance?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, all of her life, she was pursued by one man. Not physically or sexually, of course, but mentally. He chased her, courted her you might say. Remember she's probably never had a relationship. She doesn't know what it's like to love or be loved. My fear now, is that she'll probably turn to him for help. I mean, in her mind, he's been her partner in all this. The one man she can count on.


"NCIS: Jack Knife (#7.15)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, east, west, the mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond...
[chuckles]
Dr. Donald Mallard: As evidenced by the two of you.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Oh, is that why we're friends?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's more like shared misery.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: God knows you've got enough to go around.


"NCIS: Devil's Triangle (#9.7)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [to a dead body] For instance, in Ireland, divorce wasn't legalized until 1997.
Tobias C. Fornell: [Gibbs and Fornell enter] Thank God I'm not Irish. Can you imagine being stuck with her?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't have to imagine. We are, unless you can pull a rabbit out of that body.


"NCIS: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You gonna do that autopsy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No. Well yes. Well in a manner of speaking but several people are going to have to look the other way.
[turns to Shepard]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Starting with you Director!


"NCIS: Reasonable Doubts (#13.19)" (2016)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Does that famous gut of your have an opinion? Scorned wife or jilted lover?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, it's too early, Duck. My gut's overrated.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Gibbs leaves autopsy. To the corpse] Don't you believe that for a moment.


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: 'Cause he's not longer about method or clue-trail gamesmenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.
Jimmy Palmer: Situation?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.


"NCIS: Rule Fifty-One (#7.24)" (2010)
Ziva David: How did they get Gibbs's gun? Gibbs has always said there is *one* way to do that.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Palmer looks puzzled] Pry it from his cold dead hand.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr. Palmer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd say you're just more touched.


"NCIS: The Bone Yard (#2.5)" (2004)
[Ducky is talking to his current cadaver; he is annoyed with Jimmy, who has just left]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He means well. But often I have an overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the morgue] Do it all the time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [chuckling] So I've noticed. But, only on the back of the head.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Slap at the face would be humiliating. Back of the head's a wake-up call.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking down at corpse] Looks like he got both.