Ziva David
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Quotes for
Ziva David (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NCIS: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [McGee is dismantling a network server] What can I do to help, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can stop touching things when you're not grounded.
Officer Ziva David: Okay, sorry. Hack away, you won't even notice me here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, but you're standing on my foot

Officer Ziva David: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Figures...
Officer Ziva David: What figures?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Chick car.
Officer Ziva David: Meaning?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Officer Ziva David: Was it a government study?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Officer David steps on the breaks and points at a silver car]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Officer Ziva David: Uff, you've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though. STOP!
Officer Ziva David: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.

Officer Ziva David: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone]
Officer Ziva David: [flirtatiously] Hi...
[giggles]
Officer Ziva David: Oh, my God! Don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Officer Ziva David: He's gonna have to call you back. Bye.
Danny's Girlfriend: What? Wait a sec...!
[Ziva hangs up the phone]
Officer Ziva David: [to Danny] You're busted.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after entering Wilkerson's house] Nice job with the lock by the way.
Officer Ziva David: Thank you, it was a very simple pin-and-tumbler design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So are handcuffs. But I bet you couldn't get out of a pair.
Officer Ziva David: Are you saying, you'd like to handcuff me, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not *really* my thing, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [quietly, to Ziva] Will you please calm down. This guy is a little jumpy, and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right?
[Ziva removes her cuffs, kicks the security guard's gun away, and pins him to the floor, aiming the gun at his chest]
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: No, no! Don't shoot! Don't-don't shoot!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Officer Ziva David: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Officer Ziva David: [angrier] "Ma'am?"
[Tony facepalms]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's driving as they're searching for Wilkerson's car] Just out of curiosity, who taught you to drive?
Officer Ziva David: I did!

Ross Logan: Look, our best hackers haven't been able to track this guy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You haven't met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He's good?
Officer Ziva David: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: [slight chuckle] Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's Israeli.
Officer Ziva David: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now, Boss?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with *my* driving?

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, relax, Quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Yeah? What agency?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Officer Ziva David: NCIS.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Officer Ziva David: Naval Criminal Investigative Ser...
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never-heard-of-it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sighs] You never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough about me. Let me guess: Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Very good, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I *am* an investigator, it's kind of what I do.
Officer Ziva David: Mm-hmm.
[puts her feet on her desk, her feet are covered with tape and blood]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought you said you were doing Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Isn't Pilates one of your Martial Arts?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. It's kind of like expensive stretching.
Officer Ziva David: Mm. Well then, I guess I wasn't doing a Pilate.
[starting to take the tape off her feet]
Officer Ziva David: Mind giving me a hand with this?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes I do. Whose blood is that?
Officer Ziva David: Not mine.

Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Cuff yourself to him.
Officer Ziva David: I'd rather you shoot me first.

Danny: Dude, there's no such thing as "genital cuffs."
Tim: But what if there is? I mean, dude, these guys aren't even cops, they're, like, some secret federal agency! Did you see the way that chick was playing with her knife?
Danny: Yeah... it was kind of hot, like Salma Hayek in "Desperado."
Officer Ziva David: [appearing behind them] Never saw that.

Officer Ziva David: Don't worry, Abby. Sometimes you can't see the jungle for the ferns.
Abby Sciuto: Uh... right.

Ross Logan: I run this chapter of the PBJ.
Officer Ziva David: Peanut butter and jelly, right?
Ross Logan: Actually, no. It stands for Perverts Brought to Justice.

Ross Logan: Our best people haven't been able to crack these emails.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You haven't met our cracker.
Ross Logan: Is he good?
Officer Ziva David: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this case?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's Israeli.
Officer Ziva David: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.


"NCIS: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad?
Officer Ziva David: Maybe.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Internet dating?
Officer Ziva David: [picks up a paperclip] I will kill you 18 different ways with THIS paperclip!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking of McGee's jacket] Who's the designer?
Officer Ziva David: Why do you assume I know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because...
Officer Ziva David: Because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because you're a great detective.
Officer Ziva David: True.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee is wearing a medical outfit] Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Officer Ziva David: Male nurse?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No Aquasmurf.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Mark and I ate lunch while we took target practice. I had a bacon cheeseburger with fries washed down with a large coffee.
Officer Ziva David: [whistles] Run like a health nut, and eat like a slob.
Lt. Roy Sanders: [chuckles] Well, I've always weighed the same. People told me at 40, my body would change. Guess I might not have to worry about that.

Lt. Roy Sanders: [Roy stumbles, Ziva catches him] Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Officer Ziva David: I have to get you into bed... Oh I
Lt. Roy Sanders: [amused] I'm not saying anything.
Officer Ziva David: Sorry it's the English.

Diane Russio: [speaking of Roy] Got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.
Officer Ziva David: Or maybe he's gay.
Diane Russio: Oh, I don't think so.
Officer Ziva David: How do you know?
Diane Russio: I saw the way he looked at you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sanders know he's still being poisoned?
Officer Ziva David: Not yet. I'm worried it will increase his stress.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your call. Stick with him, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Like tattoos on Abby.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Did they, um, did they find any clues or answers?
Officer Ziva David: Not yet. But they're still looking.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Well tell them to hurry up. I wanna know who killed me before I die.

Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and McGee each reach for a cup of coffee in a vending machine] I have been working for 30 straight hours!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This is only my fourth cup of the day!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
[McGee moves away, Ziva takes the coffee]
Officer Ziva David: Thanks.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't die unless you see a lawyer.
[walks away]
Officer Ziva David: Hey!
[Gibbs turns around]
Officer Ziva David: He might not die. May pull through.

Lt. Roy Sanders: [after Ziva introduces herself] I'd shake your hand but...
Officer Ziva David: Um, actually it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Sound just like my prom date.

[last lines]
Lt. Roy Sanders: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running?
Officer Ziva David: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Lt. Roy Sanders: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Officer Ziva David: Yes...
[holds Roy's hand]
Officer Ziva David: I won't forget you now.

[When Roy begs for a breath of fresh air, Ziva starts to help him outside, when Roy's doctor appears]
Dr. Timothy Hass: Roy! What are you doing? You shouldn't be out of bed!
Officer Ziva David: It's all right, Doctor...
Dr. Timothy Hass: No, no, you have to...!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [stands up, coughing] Dr. Hass? Can I speak to you for a second? I think, I think I might have been exposed. I don't know how, and I don't want to be an alarmist, but it just hit me, and I've got the headaches, and the vomiting, and...
[Dr. Hass goes to Tony's side, while Roy and Ziva, grinning, slip outside]
Dr. Timothy Hass: The diarrhea? You've got the diarrhea?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, it just started, like a tap...
Dr. Timothy Hass: Okay, well, let's sit you down, we're gonna have to run some tests.

Lt. Roy Sanders: Could we have met at a conference?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but I have never been to one.


"NCIS: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)
Officer Ziva David: Look, I have learned many things from Gibbs, and one of those is that there is no such thing as an ex-marine

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do you find it so hard to belive I could hack that sucker out?
Officer Ziva David: You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all, it drive me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers you are almost as impotent as Gi-
[Stops looks around. DiNozzo laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious cycle.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You've been in the service of two masters for too long. Your loyalty to your father and Mossad predates everything else.
Officer Ziva David: My father is not an issue.

Officer Ziva David: I cannot comment on Mossad operations.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I know this to be true because I'm the one who provided Eli with the intel. You are no longer in the employ of the Mossad.
Officer Ziva David: That does not change anything!
NCIS Director Leon Vance: That's what concerns me.

Captain Kassib Yosef: You are a woman.
Officer Ziva David: You're a genius.

Marine Staff Sergeant Daniel Cryer: You don't want to give yourself away. Lose the jewelry.
Officer Ziva David: I would sooner *die* than take this necklace off.
[Pulls out Cryer's Marine tags]
Officer Ziva David: You ought to know.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The truth, Ziva, may set you free.
Officer Ziva David: And it may not.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ziva, some bodies are not meant to stay buried. What happened to him?

Officer Ziva David: You should keep your distance, Ducky. The ones who get to close always end up dead.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're father Ziva, he's not a good guy. He's dirty.
Officer Ziva David: [to Ben-Gidon] You could not say "no" to him. Not a second time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Bi-Gidon] Go. Get out of here! You tell Eli David to stay away! She's off limits!

Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: I failed you Ziva. I'm sorry.
Officer Ziva David: Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

Officer Ziva David: I had nothing but death in my heart.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never had a choice. He didn't give you a choice. He raised you to be a ruthless, souless killer.
Officer Ziva David: I did not mean to live through it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You didn't. That part of you died out there.
Officer Ziva David: I am... sorry, Gibbs.

Officer Ziva David: Never say you're sorry. That's a sign of weakness.

Officer Ziva David: How's my agent application coming?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am working my magic. Trust me, Ziva, when I'm through, you will be...
[McGee gets an error message]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ooh, code blue?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Someone's been blackballed.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave you the red flag.
Officer Ziva David: [confused] What is blue, black, and red?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Zebra in a blender.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's black, white and red all over.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Newspaper.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Penguin with a sunburn.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nun falling down stairs.


"NCIS: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That is not for rescuing me. That is for leaving me in Israel. You're probably wondering, perhaps I rigged it to explode.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was thinking this is a really nice chisel.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Eli is all but dead to me.
[she pauses, trying to fight the tears]
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: And the closest person I have to a father is accusing me.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I had forgotten who I could trust. We were a team. And I would like that again.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You need to talk to the Director.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: It is your blessing I came for.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: David, you were never an agent. You were the Mossad Liason Officer, which by definition requires you to have a relationship with Mossad. Have you even spoken with your father?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: You're damaged goods. How damaged I need to know before I know before I can even begin to figure out what to do with you. You pass the Psych Evaluation Battery and we'll talk.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Thank you.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: David, no promises.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he's using the bathroom] How long you been standing there?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Long enough to see that you are well hydrated after your time in the desert.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So what does?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That you have my back. That you have always had my back and that I was wrong to question your motives.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So why did you?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I trusted my brother, Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's a problem.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lied to me.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No. When I told you Ari was innocent. I believed it. But yes. I would have lied to you. He was - my brother. And you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean how could you even think - he was my brother. And now he is gone. Eli is all but dead to me. And the closest thing I have... to a father is accusing me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ok.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: We were a team. I would like to have that again.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [in the bathroom, Ziva sneaks up behind him] How long you been standing there?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Long enough to see you are well hydrated after your time in the desert.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sneaking behind, surprising me?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I was not sure what to say.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [washing hands] Though your sure it had to be said in the men's room.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I'm sure it had to be said... When you shot Michael, I almost killed you where you stood.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I wasn't standing.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocal...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And double parked.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Yes, I noticed... But that does not matter. Just like it doesn't matter how it turned out for Michael.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then what does?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [puts her hand on Tony's hand] That you have had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was wrong... to question your motives.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So why did you?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought you weren't sure what to say.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Guess I had a long time to think about... things.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [short pause] I'm sorry, Ziva.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No... It is I who am sorry.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [kisses Tony] Your instincts were right. You were a cop and I never should've faulted you for thinking...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [grabs Ziva] I'm a cop... I think like a cop
[brings Ziva closer to him]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Genius.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [entering Gibbs' basement] Hello, Gibbs. Your door was open.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Usually is.


"NCIS: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Ziva hitting his abdomen] Do it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: As hard as she can?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: As hard as you can.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's how Houdini died.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Officer Ziva David: It is possible. I do not remember all of their names.

Officer Ziva David: [of Tony's six pack] Not bad. Not as good as Gibbs' though.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Officer Ziva David: It has been three hours, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.
Officer Ziva David: He is not on foot. He's in a car.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Tommy Lee Jones speech *every* time we have a fugitive, really?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're dealing with someone on the run, you need to be able to climb inside his head. Think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did a one armed man kill his wife?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in "The Greatest Show On Earth"?
Officer Ziva David: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure. Just not your reality.

[Ziva stabs a can to open it for McGee whose shoulder was dislocated]
Officer Ziva David: Straw?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I'm good. I got the one arm. Thank you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe it was you, McGee. The one armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wrong case, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?
[Ziva looks confusedly at McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave him pain killers.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My fingers are fing-ing.
[elevator dings]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ooo!

Officer Ziva David: I felt overwhelmed temporarily, which does not often happen to me, when we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee exchange looks]
Officer Ziva David: What? What is this look?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You like him.
Officer Ziva David: I thought he was powerful.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You really like him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who are you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Officer Ziva David: I said that I *have* feelings. Not that I'm *having* feelings.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd.

Officer Ziva David: I want to see him.
Navy Capt. Dr. Adrian De La Casa: [shakes his head] He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She asked to see the patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Been working on my six pack, you know, abs.
Officer Ziva David: You and Abby have been drinking?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: To match your head.

Abby Sciuto: [Coming towards Ziva's desk] Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva stands. A bruise covers her right eye] Abby...
Abby Sciuto: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: ABBY!
[Shoves her into a chair]
Officer Ziva David: Calm down! Tony has a broken nose, McGee has a dislocated shoulder but: we caught the guy.
Abby Sciuto: What is he even doing here? He should be locked up! He's an animal!
Officer Ziva David: [Looks shocked] He's not an animal. He a MAN.
Abby Sciuto: Are you defending him? He attacked for no reason, the guy's a killing machine...
Officer Ziva David: He's a Marine. Who was willing to to give up everything for his country. We have a responsibility to him!
Abby Sciuto: Oh, spare me the Samurai code of honor. Noble respect for your combatant? It's admirable but he tried to kill Tony and he tried to kill McGee. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: [Grabs her] And me too. Believe me, we are fine. Calm down.
Abby Sciuto: [Stops for a second] Ziva, can't you just let me get it out? For a second? I meant I'm not like you, I'm not like some totally emotionless perfect warrior.
[Leaves, Ziva looks crestfallen]


"NCIS: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony DiNozzo: [speaking simultaneously with Ziva] No.
Ziva David: Yes.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Ziva David: [speaking simultaneously with Tony] No.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes.

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony DiNozzo, Ziva David: Gibbs.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Well you finally got your story straight.

Tony DiNozzo: Paperwork had a deep voice.
Ziva David: She is with a man. Does not mean she is sleeping with him.
Tony DiNozzo: You're right. I'm sure they're tag-teaming the paperwork.
Ziva David: She's hiding something from us.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes. It's called a sex life. Maybe if you had one, you'd be a little more understanding.
Ziva David: [laughs] Ooh, I could tell you stories.

Ziva David: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.

Ziva David: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.

Ziva David: Call the Los Angeles Police Department, tell them you are conducting a local investigation, and ask them to track down the GPS coordinates of the director's rental.
Tony DiNozzo: That's all?
Ziva David: It will make me very happy to know where she is. It'll be like "Chinatown." I will even let you do your Jack.
Tony DiNozzo: [as Jack Nicholson] Well, how do you like them apples?

Tony DiNozzo: I said, why don't you make yourself useful.
Ziva David: What do you want me to do, hold your... nozzle?

Tony DiNozzo: [calling McGee] What took you so long? Were you sitting at my desk?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [obviously lying] No!
Tony DiNozzo: You're lying.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, what do you want?
Ziva David: Your advice.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You lost the Director, didn't you?
Tony DiNozzo: No!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now you're lying.
Tony DiNozzo: You *were* sitting at my desk.

Ziva David: [DiNozzo is leering at a young woman at the funeral] Is that why we're here, so you can Google the girl?
Tony DiNozzo: "Ogle."

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I saw you two went swimming.
[DiNozzo angrily closes his desk drawer, and walks to McGee's desk]
Tony DiNozzo: What are you saying McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nah
[DiNozzo removes his jacket]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm saying I saw a picture of Ziva at the pool when...
Tony DiNozzo: Say it!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Say what?
Tony DiNozzo: I screwed up! You can say it, Probie.
[Ziva walks to McGee's desk]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not your fault.
Ziva David: Thank you.


"NCIS: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought you were taking the day.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs's idea. Not mine.

Michael Locke: [reaches for the nightstand. Ziva wakes up grabs her gun and points it at Locke] Easy! Easy. I was just reaching for my glasses.
Officer Ziva David: You should not do that to me.

Officer Ziva David: Michael's not involved!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Michael?
Officer Ziva David: That is his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: His *first* name. You didn't...? Don't tell me... Okay, tell me!
Officer Ziva David: What I *did* or did *not* do is NONE of your business!

Michael Locke: Why didn't you shoot him earlier?
Officer Ziva David: I was undercover. I didn't have my gun.
[starts reaching for her gun]
Michael Locke: Just like now?

Officer Ziva David: [getting a phone call from Tony] His print is not a match? Well next time, we *both* should listen to my instincts!

Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't look so bad. McGee said you were a wreck.
[reaches for Ziva's hair, she grabs his hand and slams it down on her desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was just gonna tussel your hair. Sometimes it makes you smile.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] Sorry.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you had your mandatory session with the shrink?
Officer Ziva David: Yes!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still crazy then?
[Ziva glares at Tony]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting off your case.

Officer Ziva David: He did not hurt me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hands Ziva some coveralls] Need your clothes. Get changed. Get an X-ray.
[moves closer to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do not need to see you again today.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is *that* what this about? You *doubting* your judgment?
Officer Ziva David: I should have moved earlier.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Officer Ziva David: I left it too late.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still took him out.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] I almost died.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But you didn't.
[moves closer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've gotta trust your judgement, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be almost.

Officer Ziva David: [viciously kicking the photocopier] *Die*, you stupid machine!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seems unfazed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Those are standard Mossad-style, copy-machine assault tactics, McGee.


"NCIS: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait, back up a second. You were with McGeek?
Officer Ziva David: No, he was with me. I was making him dinner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why would you make McGeek dinner?
Officer Ziva David: I like to cook.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You cook?
Officer Ziva David: Jimmy seemed to like it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Palmer? I've never even been to your place and you're cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin? At what point did the Earth fall off its axis?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not getting a signal. How about you?
Officer Ziva David: [holds up her cell phone] No. I'm braless.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I noticed that earlier. But on your phone they're called "bars."

Officer Ziva David: Careful. This thing could be booby-trapped a dozen different ways.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then why are we opening it again?
Officer Ziva David: Because if it is a bomb, it might be armed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know that...
Officer Ziva David: This is not your fault, I know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, no. I was gonna say that your life would've had more meaning if you'd slept with me.
Officer Ziva David: If you had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Officer Ziva David: No.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [explaining how he knows the money is counterfeit] The ink. It smells.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, like ink.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, our money doesn't smell.
[pulls a bill from his pocket]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Here, try it. Give it a little sniff
Officer Ziva David: [does so] That smells like stale alcohol...
[coughs]
Officer Ziva David: And your armpit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sniffs it] Yeah. The point is, it doesn't smell like ink.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, riddle me this Batgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Officer Ziva David: Why, feel a little left out, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.
Officer Ziva David: And dessert.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.

Officer Ziva David: Best sex movie?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Body Heat." William Hurt, Kathleen Turner. Smart-noir. I like the whole sweaty, chair-through-glass-door thing.
Officer Ziva David: I prefer the air conditioner on, and if somebody threw a chair through my door, I would probably shoot them.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after rescuing Tony and Ziva] You two okay?
Officer Ziva David: No.
[She kicks the enemy agent in the groin, then limps away]
Officer Ziva David: Now if you gentlemen will excuse me...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are you going?
Officer Ziva David: I've been locked in a box all day! The ladies' room!

Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and Tony have been locked inside a shipping container] I think we've just been screwed in here, Tony!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The term is "bolted."
Officer Ziva David: Same difference!

Officer Ziva David: I can't see where we're going.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are three ways we can get there. By train...
Officer Ziva David: That's quaint. We can be like the homos in those old movies.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Hobos."


"NCIS: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [at Manassas Battlefield] You know what my job was during these reenactments?
Officer Ziva David: Little drummer boy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha-ha. No. I was the one who had to scurry around carrying a bucket so these guys could take a dump. They called me their "little poo boy."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Whoa, not so fast!
Officer Ziva David: I always drive fast. It's the best way to avoid possible ambushes and IEDs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you're in America now, so you really don't have to worry...
[She swerves around another car]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How 'bout this? Slow down or I'll puke on you!

[after Ziva finds out that Gibbs didn't know that she had been assigned to his team]
Officer Ziva David: [downhearted] I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [puzzled] "A donkey's butt?"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think she means horse's ass.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, that too.

Officer Ziva David: "C.W.R.?"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Civil War Reenactors. Guys who get together. dress up in period costumes, reenacting famous battles.
Officer Ziva David: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've been asking my father that since I was 10 years old.

[after Gibbs has allowed Ziva to stay on the team]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You will be coming along strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Officer Ziva David: [small laugh] Is that really necessary?
[Gibbs stares]
Officer Ziva David: Right.
[She unloads her pistol and hands it to Gibbs, who puts it in his drawer]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And your back-up.
Officer Ziva David: [innocently] What back-up?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Left leg.
Officer Ziva David: Oh... that one.
[She removes her ankle holster and hands it over]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
[Annoyed, Ziva removes the knife and hands it to Gibbs. He reverses it and and hands it back to her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You can keep this.
[leans in close to her ear as he passes her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I just wanted you to know that I know.

Officer Ziva David: [putting her finger through a hole in the brim of her hat] Why does my hat have a 9mm hole in it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ventilation.

Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] You might want to do something about your hair. It's sticking up like a porcu-swine. Wrong word. Like a porcu-pig. The little animal with the little spikies, yes? The...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Porcupine.
Officer Ziva David: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know how many people are killed by bears in America every year?
Officer Ziva David: No, but I can't imagine it's a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'd be surprised.
Officer Ziva David: McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's about 1.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you... keep observing.
Officer Ziva David: What exactly, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anything, just do it quietly.
Officer Ziva David: Now I know why he took away all my weapons.


"NCIS: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: I told you to destroy those... twice!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did. I did. No. I-I-I didn't... um, Tony. Tony- Tony must have...
Officer Ziva David: What? When you went to get coffee? You did not erase those photos, did you? Hmm?
[McGee sighs]
Officer Ziva David: Admit it! And I will spare you *one* of your eyes!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cole worked at a local carwash. Abby got a hit off his DNA. Two years ago he donated sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and Ziva enter] Ah the things people will do for money.
Officer Ziva David: You donated your sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't do that for money. Just to enrich the world. So, Boss I spoke with security at Quantico.
[McGee clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt? Let's see who the Boss likes better.
[Tony and McGee wait expectantly]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as he's leaving] DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On your six, Boss. Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screensaver, have you Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
[Ziva approaches McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are friends for?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Speaking of Rose] Nice girl. Wasn't my type though.
Officer Ziva David: Really? She was breathing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! Well I have standards, Ziva. Otherwise I'd be dating you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [processing a bloody shower] My... my mother isn't quite herself today.
[Ziva gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Psycho."
Officer Ziva David: You certainly have your moments.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The movie, Ziva. Norman Bates. Shower scene.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [processing their crime scene] Mother! Blood. Blood!
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] "Psycho."
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He has his moments.

[as McGee walks into the squad room, Tony runs up to him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [whispering] Run for your life, Probie! Run!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are you doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm trying to save your life!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What did you do?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughs indignantly] Why do you assume it's me-? That's a good point, but in this case...
Officer Ziva David: [shouts] McGee!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Too late.

Rose Woodhouse: He said he was going to kill me, you said we were making another music video, I hope you fry!
Officer Ziva David: How did you know?
[Gibbs points]
Officer Ziva David: The video camera? Those had those at every crime scene
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: At the victim, I was the murder weapon
Tommy Doyle: NCIS, I should've gone with the FBI, it's a cliche but look what I get for trying something new
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a cliche, you ripped that off from Seven
Tommy Doyle: Wrong! At the end of Seven the cops kill the serial killer not another victim, doesn't matter I win, you may be the famous Leroy Jethro Gibbs but you're a set piece, Who caught Casey? Manson, I don't know, Tommy Doyle is gonna be a household name by the ten o clock news

Rose Woodhouse: He said he was going to kill me, you said we were making another music video, I hope you fry!
Officer Ziva David: How did you know?
[Gibbs points]
Officer Ziva David: The video camera? They had those at every crime scene
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: At the victim, I was the murder weapon
Tommy Doyle: NCIS, I should've gone with the FBI, it's a cliche but look what I get for trying something new
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a cliche, you ripped that off from Seven
Tommy Doyle: Wrong! At the end of Seven the cops kill the serial killer not another victim, doesn't matter I win, you may be the famous Leroy Jethro Gibbs but you're a set piece, Who caught Casey? Manson, I don't know, Tommy Doyle is gonna be a household name by the ten o clock news


"NCIS: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [getting worked up about Tony's recent behavior] Because you have been whining like a little snitch all week!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, I believe the term is "bitch".
Officer Ziva David: I know! I was just being polite.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't apologize, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right. Sign of weakness.
Officer Ziva David: Not to mention, annoying.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's with Gibbs' moustache?
Officer Ziva David: I think it makes him look dignified.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it isn't Gibbs.
Officer Ziva David: Well, Tony, people change!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *People* change. Gibbs... doesn't.

Abby Sciuto: Is it just me or is he acting like a...
Officer Ziva David: Snitch?
Abby Sciuto: Close enough. It must be that damn mustache.

Officer Ziva David: [to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

[McGee is messing around with a software program that predicts the features of a couple's child. He combines Tony and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Guys, meet your love child.
[He produces a picture of a rather ugly baby. Ziva laughs, then shares a look with Tony]
Officer Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [together] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Officer Ziva David: Now that's not a bad combination.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Never more than once, DiNozzo.
[Abby enters and sees the picture]
Abby Sciuto: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibbets, Gibbs.

[a witness has given a not-very-helpful description of a suspect]
Officer Ziva David: Not good enough. You grabbed my ass, Cal!

[about the speed-dating event]
Calvin Hopper: Well, the first night, I struck out...
Officer Ziva David: [deadpan] Shocking.

Officer Ziva David: [On her first speed date] I like computers. And, that stuff... you do... with the yarn.
Larry West: Knitting?
Officer Ziva David: Yes!


"NCIS: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Officer Ziva David: [Referring to DiNozzo] Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Your father's one. Second?
Officer Ziva David: Me.

Eli David: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Officer Ziva David: I drove.
Eli David: Enough said.

Officer Ziva David: Hadar set the fire.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Covering for Rivkin.
Officer Ziva David: I was betrayed by Mossad, by my father, by Tony. Who's next? You?

Officer Ziva David: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For you... He was playing you, Ziva.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess you read my report.
Officer Ziva David: I memorized it! You could have left it at that! You could have walked away, but no. You let him up! You put a bullet in his chest.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You weren't there.
Officer Ziva David: You could have put one in his leg.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You... weren't... there.
Officer Ziva David: But I should have been.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You loved him.
Officer Ziva David: I guess I'll never know.

Officer Ziva David: [Referring to DiNozzo] I'm not sure we can work together. Perhaps it is best if one of us gets transferred to another team.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Transferred?
Officer Ziva David: I need to be able to trust the people that I work with. I know you more than anyone understand that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause. Kisses Ziva on the cheek] Take care of yourself.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, why don't you just get this out? You want to take a punch? Take a swing? Get it out of your system!
[Yelling]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Go ahead do it!
Officer Ziva David: Be careful, Tony. Because much like Michael, I only need *one*.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And that's what you're really angry about, isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Officer Ziva David: Michael was Jewish by birth, not practice.


"NCIS: Royals & Loyals (#8.4)" (2010)
Ziva David: You are jealous.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. But I am concerned about National Security.
Ziva David: He's got a very impressive clearance level.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now you're trying to make me feel inadequate.
Ziva David: Heh.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] No. That's my job, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. Start with the wife. Tony, Ziva.
Ziva David: [Speaking simultaneousely with DiNozzo] Um, I would prefer to go with McGee...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can't. She's very talented but I...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah,and I'd rather be fishing. Go!

Ziva David: So that means the murder occured on a British Naval vessel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which means our crime scene's technically on British soil. Do we have the authority to investigate, boss?

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Agent David.
[Ziva steps forward]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Have you ever been to Zurich?
Ziva David: Several times.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Good. Today, you're Switzerland between England
[indicating Malloy]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: and the US.
[Indicating Gibbs]

Royal Marine Major Peter Malloy: Oh, bad news, I'm afraid. British Fleet Command and CENTCOM has requested that we leave immediately. Tell your Agent Gibbs, I am sorry.
[Malloy walks away. Ziva walks after him]
Ziva David: Well, takes a big ship several minutes to get underway. - Couldn't we just do a quickie?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bolos-R-Us, boss. We got the entire Eastern seaboard covered.
Ziva David: Metro PD's on the bus, train and subway station.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've alerted Airport police, the State Troopers in Maryland and Virginia.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Customs and ICE are staying frosty.
Ziva David: Secret Service Uniform Division is monitoring the British Embassy and consulate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And the Coast Guard's got the shipyard wired.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Good work.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Complimenting us? Never a good sign.

Ziva David: If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize if, what will you say?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Be careful."
[DiNozzo chuckles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Um "Handle with care." "Contents priceless."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Ziva David: Why would anybody leave a needle in a stack of hay, anyway?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, lord...


"NCIS: Faith (#7.10)" (2009)
Ziva David: I'm not cold at all.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because you're cold blooded, David. Like a lady komodo dragon. Ice queen. Frigid and deadly.
Ziva David: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll give you 50 buck for it right now.
Ziva David: Wouldn't fit. You're too big.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They'll stretch. Hand 'em over.

Ziva David: Hmmm, these chocolates are delicious.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey Dad, stop making my team fat.
Ziva David: [Gibbs enters as Jackson Gibbs is giving them homemade candy] Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's reaching for more candy]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's my metabolism. It's slowing with age. It's nothing a post holiday cleanse won't cure.

Marine First Sergeant Louis Tibbens: But I bet a pretty little thing like you never killed nothing before, huh?
Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles] I'll never tell.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh boy.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Interpols checking into it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do it!
[Gibbs stares at DiNozzo]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not you, Boss.
[to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You. I mean how many languages do you speak anyway?
Ziva David: Including the language of love, 10.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If Santa's lookin' for Rudolph, I think I know what happened.
[bartender glares at DiNozzo]
Ziva David: Tibbin's sister described this place perfectly. So this is where a "red throat" would hang out after being overseas for months.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not "red throat", it's "redneck".
Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And I think we found the entire cast of "Hee Haw".
Ziva David: Over there. That's him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hm, with his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're gonna have to come down to NCIS with us. Come on.
Marine First Sergeant Louis Tibbens: I got a better idea.
[walks closer to Ziva]
Marine First Sergeant Louis Tibbens: How about this one comes back to my place and decorates my tree.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, no.
Ziva David: Happy Chanukah. Now let's go.
[Tibbens grabs Ziva's shoulder and is summarily pushed into a wall and handcuffed]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva! No!
[backs away from Tibbens friends who start coming toward him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Easy! Easy! Heel!
[Hits one with a bar stool]

Abby Sciuto: How fun would it be to have a totally impromptu Christmas party? Like right now? We could decorate my test tube tree. We could warm up dumplings in the incubator.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby!
Abby Sciuto: I know. Typing. I feel like Scrooge being visited by the three grumpy ghosts.

Ziva David: [after the fight in the bar is concluded] Redthroats.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Rednecks."
Ziva David: Whatever.


"NCIS: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
Officer Ziva David: You *are* aware that I've never - performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. I had to earn all my dates the old-fashioned way.
Officer Ziva David: Begging?

Officer Ziva David: [referring to one of the supermodels] You really find her attractive?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah.
Officer Ziva David: Well I want to shoot her.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them.
Officer Ziva David: That would work for me. I hate models.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That so? McGee, help Ziva. Interview them.
[shoves the camera into Tony's chest]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any other suggestions DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I think I got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [handing one of the models his business card] If you remember anything else that might help, please give us a call.
Officer Ziva David: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the marines to read it for you.

Hannah Bressling: Fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't need it. They're already in your arrest record.
Officer Ziva David: From the time you beat up your assistant with your cell phone, I believe.
Natalie Vance: Well, it wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. We've got yours too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of the Limelight?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [describing "Bootcamp Babes"] Three hot, young babes learning what's really important in life.
Officer Ziva David: Defending their country?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Firing machine guns while wearing bikinis.

Officer Ziva David: [Talking about Director Shepard's new haircut] I see she went for the elf cut.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's called the pixie.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I think she looks great.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sake bombs.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Oh, I see.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I barely made it out of there alive.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: And now you hope to finish the job.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, say words.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What you see before you is the DiNozzo defibrilator. It's been passed down through six generations.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: My family also has a hangover remedy. Jasmine tea with lime.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ugh! That's disgusting! Remind me never to have a hangover in Israel.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Referring to DiNozzo] Maybe we should go easy on him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think he'd go easy on us?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Excellent point.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee...
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rule number 38?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hmm.
[Rule 38: If it's your case, you're the Boss]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. "Hmm... maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead." There's our motive. We just need our killer.
[Ziva and McGee stare at him]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!
[Gibbs starts to gear up. McGee and Ziva are still staring at him]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Or in a week!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who'd want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looking at a body in a duffel bag] The seam split. I can't believe it.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I know. Discarded like a piece of trash.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I meant the duffel bag. I just bought the same one. I should have listened to the reviews. They said the seams were a problem.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee, the man is folded in half!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know. No, that is - that's a shame, too. Maybe I've been doing this too long.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who'd want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or its a frame up.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Jean Benoit?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Overseas, Maybe it was Trent Kort.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Are you detecting a trend here?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony does have a way with people.


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Jenny can take care of herself, Gibbs. She was a good agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still is!

Officer Ziva David: [as they're driving to the hangar withe Brian Dempsey in the driver's seat] Are you trying to make me sick or something, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know what, I can't see the windshield, I'm driving with my hands, and I *still* think I'm a better driver than you.
Officer Ziva David: To the left!... THE OTHER LEFT!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: When I shot that cop, I felt like everyone doubted me... But after a while...
Officer Ziva David: Are you trying to make me feel better?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it not working?
Officer Ziva David: It's not necessary, McGee.
[Ziva gently slaps McGee's cheek, then giggles slightly]
Officer Ziva David: Our only concern should be the Director.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're right.
[Rises up and walks away]
Officer Ziva David: [to the person on the phone] You put me on hold again, and I'll jump through this phone and I will strangle you!
operator: Hold, please.
Officer Ziva David: Hey, McGee. Nobody ever doubted you.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just like those calls you're making aren't pointless.

Officer Ziva David: Look, I know this looks bad. I also know with Brian Dempsey dead, it's nearly impossible to bring down his South African distributors, much less prosecute his brother.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's not our biggest problem here, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: [nodding] It appears there's only one way to fix this.
[removes her gun puts it aside]
Officer Ziva David: I've seen it in your American movies.
[remove her badge, grabs Gibbs's hand and puts her badge in his hand]
Officer Ziva David: This is where I resign.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time you hand me your badge,
[gives her badge back]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: you had better be prepared to lose it.

Officer Ziva David: It's a simple conversation! You know?
[as Gibbs]
Officer Ziva David: "What do you have, Ducky?"
[as Ducky]
Officer Ziva David: "Well, Jethro, this reminds me of a time back at Scotland Yard when I..."
[as Gibbs]
Officer Ziva David: "To the point, Ducky."
[as Ducky]
Officer Ziva David: "Well, based on my preliminary findings, Ziva did *not* kill this man."
[as Gibbs]
Officer Ziva David: "Ah..."

Officer Ziva David: [venting] I'm being treated like a leopard!
Dr. Donald Mallard: I believe the phrase is, "Like a leper."

Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and Tony are taping Brian Dempsey's hands to the steering wheel] Three and 11.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Two and 10. And that explains a lot.


"NCIS: Under Covers (#3.8)" (2005)
Tony DiNozzo: [while pretending to be lovers] Sweetheart, you know what I could use right now?
Ziva David: Deodorant?

Tony DiNozzo: [kept awake by Ziva's snoring, mutters] Crazy chick...
Ziva David: [sleepily] I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.

Tony DiNozzo: The Raniers obviously stole something they want, you're going to give it to them.
Ziva David: We don't have it!
Tony DiNozzo: You're going to tell them it's in our hotel room and offer to show them. McGee should be waiting there with backup.
Ziva David: Good plan, except for one minor drawback.
Tony DiNozzo: What?
Ziva David: When I leave, they'll most likely put a bullet through your head.
Tony DiNozzo: Oh... well, I didn't say it was a perfect plan.

Tony DiNozzo: Ow, what was that for?
Ziva David: Because *that* is definitely not your knee.

Maya: Maybe, after this is all over, we could go for a drink.
Tony DiNozzo: Yeah...
Ziva David: [entering] Tony, I'm pregnant.
Maya: Uh, some other time, perhaps.
Tony DiNozzo: Thanks.
[Maya leaves in a huff]
Ziva David: She's not your type, anyway.

Tony DiNozzo: You haven't fired your gun. Why are you cleaning it again?
Ziva David: It keeps me calm. Helps to keep my mind on the job in my hand.
Tony DiNozzo: The phrase is "the job at hand".
Ziva David: Same thing.

Tony DiNozzo: I'm just trying to imagine you pregnant.
Ziva David: Don't!
Tony DiNozzo: I have to. I'm gonna be a father. It's a great responsibility.
Ziva David: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony DiNozzo: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva David: Oh, she knew.
Tony DiNozzo: So why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva David: Perhaps we needed the money.
Tony DiNozzo: Kids are expensive...
Ziva David: And bullets are cheap.


"NCIS: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's happened?
Officer Ziva David: Goldilocks and Papa Bear found a bed that is "just right." Personally I think she could do better.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: The jack she is with is gross.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean "john."
Officer Ziva David: You know him?

Officer Ziva David: [after realizing that the radar has been stolen] I would not want to be Gibbs right now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I would not want to be McGee anytime.

Officer Ziva David: Do you think prostitutes get bored? The same work day in, day out.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's DiNozzo?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... He's, uh, got to run an errand?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never cover for me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you guys shook on it. No more practical jokes.
Officer Ziva David: Do you trust DiNozzo?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Point well taken.

Det. Andrea Sparr: So our cases have crossed. Means you can tell me why NCIS was staking out the neighborhood.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Classified Navy equipment was hijacked. Got an anonymous tip it was in a storage building next to the alley where Rowe was killed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just learned Rowe was the tipster.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Still conducting the stakeout?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. No, the equipment was stolen. Again.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Messy.
Officer Ziva David: [holding out her hand to Sparr] Ziva David.
[Sparr glances at Ziva, then turns back to Gibbs]
Det. Andrea Sparr: You dragged me up here to pull the national security, need-to-know card? That Rowe's murder is no longer a Metro case?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, we investigate the murder together. The theft stays classified.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Do I have a choice?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Ziva? Um, I'm not sure if I should say anything, but I saw Tony putting something under your car...
Officer Ziva David: *What*? When?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When, about an hour ago.
Officer Ziva David: Ha! I told you! I told you he could not be trusted!
[Ziva runs out]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: No, Tony just told me to say that.


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Who was that guy?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony takes a seat] Well, there's this little drinking game sailors taught me during my time as an agent afloat. Someone calls for a coin, you pull out one of these.
[Pulls out a coin]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Whoever has the highest officer's coin, whoever's rubbed elbows with the biggest brass, everyone else has to buy him drinks. That's who that guy was. The downside here is someone is lying to us. The upside is,
[Flips the coin to Ziva]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: we never have to pay for a drink again.
[Ziva looks at the Sec Nav Coin]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [regard Domino] Leave it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's bogus, DiNozzo... The whole installation is bogus.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Nothing is real?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just the threat.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know who it is?... Do *we* know who it is?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Someone close to us.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: How would he arrange for Lee to shoot Langer?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Easiest way.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Mole is
[Lee exits the elevator and walks to them]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: benign. Which is fantastic because I was a little worried. And so the dermatologist said "That's not a carcenoma. It's a beauty mark." Hey how are you Michelle?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The last thing I remember before the lights going out was you kimbo slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Yes! It was. Gunshot went off. I saw YOU...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause] I'm tired of pretending.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: So am I.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's dinner theatre for an audience of one. When's the curtain going down?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: What is this place?
Navy Lieutenant Robert Deckard: That's classified.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Unicorn.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [when Tony's waiting for a phone call and staring intently at the phone] You know what they say about a watched pot, Tony.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: It calls the kettle black.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It never boils.


"NCIS: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm surprised you could understand him, Ziva. He spoke perfect English.
Officer Ziva David: You're xenophobic!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not Xena-phobic! It's one of my favorite shows: leather skirts, lesbian sword fighting, female empowerment. Maybe I'm a little... Ziva-phobic.

Officer Ziva David: Do you see what I see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [smacked in the head yet again by Gibbs] You know, repeated trauma to the head can cause brain damage.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Explains a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is this side of my head bigger?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but so is the other side.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How long have you been in this country?
Officer Ziva David: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you've never heard of gypsy cabs, you don't use contractions. Assimilate already.
Officer Ziva David: [confused] What are contraptions?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as McGee is explaining what he's doing on the computer] Less narration, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tracing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva, as McGee's fingers continue to fly on the computer keyboard] Look at that. It's incredible. Probie's lips are still moving - while he's working! It's like one of those Romanian orphans who can't stop rocking.
Officer Ziva David: You are so prejudiced.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not. I'm not! By the way, that's a contraction. *I'm.* You should try it sometime.

Officer Ziva David: [On phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course and... well, you, you must accept that...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Personal call, David?
Officer Ziva David: Yes. Go away.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Somebody being dumped?
Officer Ziva David: [Covers mouthpiece] How do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Easy.
[Takes phone]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Listen, Dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now. I can find your address. If you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head. Lose this number or lose your life.
[Hangs up]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're welcome.
Officer Ziva David: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her 86-year-old mahjong partner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why didn't you stop me?
Officer Ziva David: Too stunned.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where do I send flowers?
Officer Ziva David: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Take my money, take my money, take my money. Give me my candy.
[Hits vending machine when it rejects the wrinkled note]
Officer Ziva David: You cannot buck the system, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Trade bucks with me?
[Ziva hands over a stack of coins in exchange for the wrinkled note]
Officer Ziva David: If you stop forcing things, they will come to you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Officer Ziva David: Why don't you like immigrants?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What? My great-grandparents came through Ellis Island. Not the first class lounge at El Al.
Officer Ziva David: I came here in the jump seat of a C-130 with turbulence.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Whatever. My point is, you're here on a weekend fun pass. I'm the immigrant. My family came here with nothing. Just loads of charm, talent and great looks. My great-grandfather drove a truck for $2 a day. Took him 20 years to start his own transportation company. And now their great-grandson is an NCIS agent. So don't tell me about the immigrant experience. Until you are one.
Officer Ziva David: Any of that true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Parts.
[Takes a bite of the candy bar, then shows her his teeth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is this stuck in my teeth.
Officer Ziva David: Nothing sticks to you.
[Uses the wrinkled note and it works]
Officer Ziva David: Do you ever think about soul mates?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They were on Decca, right? Big hit mid-'70s. Sort of a disco thing. Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Officer Ziva David: You'll never get it.


"NCIS: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)
Officer Ziva David: [laughing] You - you who won't share a Krispy Kreme doughnut - you are going to give up a kidney?

Officer Ziva David: They're going to interrogate McGee this afternoon. Request was approved by the Director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you know this how?
Officer Ziva David: I'm a spy, remember?

Officer Ziva David: [Tony asked if she misses the excitement of being a Mossad spy] You've seen too many James Bond movies. It's not all about car chases and sex.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't?
Officer Ziva David: Well, there was a lot of sex.

Officer Ziva David: McGee stumbled across something, misread it, and overreacted.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not McGee. His brain's like a computer... It's scary. I'm sure proceedures and regs warp sped through his processor before he pulled the trigger.
Officer Ziva David: It happened so fast... you don't have time to think.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're talking about a guy who has protocols and checklists for brushing and flossing.

Officer Ziva David: You sold your sperm?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stop looking at me like that, I was a freshman in college.
Officer Ziva David: There are little teenage DiNozzos running around somewhere? That's frightening.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I never thought about it, 'til this morning. I got a registered letter from the sperm bank telling me to contact them as soon as possible.
Officer Ziva David: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know!

[Ziva doubts whether McGee is telling the truth about what happened]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [leans in and whispers] McGee isn't Ari, and he isn't your father. He doesn't know how to lie.
[walks away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What did he say?
Officer Ziva David: That we should keep looking.

[Ziva reports that Halligan has already flown to Morocco]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?
[walks out]
Officer Ziva David: His goose is cooked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [glumly] You would get that one right.


"NCIS: A Desperate Man (#9.13)" (2012)
Ziva David: Ha ha ha. That was very funny. He would never call you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, he just did.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee's phone rings] Uh, I've got a private number coming through here. Think it may be Ray.
Ziva David: Ignore. Hit ignore.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Better hope he doesn't call Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Too late.

Ziva David: I did not say no. I just have to make sure that I am ready. That we are *both* ready.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's ready for marriage - trust me. If they were, the divorce rate wouldn't be 50% - not to mention the murder rate.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, but I killed the proposal. Should've seen it. Rocked the tuxedo. Set out the candles. I even managed to shed a tear.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Something you want to share, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, not really, boss. But hey, you should be getting ready to play Father of the Bride. I'd base it on the Spencer Tracy classic - and skip the Steve Martin.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? I'm happy for you, Ziva.
Ziva David: Ha. I did not exactly say "yes" so... it's not exactly official.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It will be if it's right.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Ziva rushes to the elevator after noticing the phone number] Ziva, where you going?
Ziva David: Do not try to stop me, Gibbs. I have something to do.

Ray Cruz: [Ziva walks to Ray] There you are. Where are your bags?
[Ziva punches Ray in the face]
Ziva David: Now you have my answer.

Ray Cruz: Enough! *I*don't want to talk about this anymore. I made mistakes. What's done is done. Now, I just want to go back to being the man I used to be before all this - the man you fell in love with.
Ziva David: That man is gone!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'll find somebody, someday.
Ziva David: I'm not sure I want to. I do not think, uh, children and marriage are part of the plan for me right now and I am fine with that. Perfectly... perfectly content with my life.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Content, but are you happy?
Ziva David: Are you?


"NCIS: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [regard the bug] Give it to me. I'm going in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're a woman. Easier for me to blend in.
Officer Ziva David: [chuckling] Yes. You would blend right in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right. Flip you for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You can take her, Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Compromise. Tony will do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't want to do it!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Langer walks away] What an ass!
Officer Ziva David: [watching Langer walk away] Yes indeed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're leering at Langer. You're Langer-leering.

Officer Ziva David: These belonged to Abdul. They were returned to his father.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you sure?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs I...
[realizes what Gibbs is saying]
Officer Ziva David: No. They're nothing like them.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't think so.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, then we'll flip for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Whispers to McGee] You can take her Probie. Do it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hell, the fall will probably kill you.
Officer Ziva David: Butch Cassidy and the Sunrise Kid.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering the bullpen] Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Shh!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a movie. Not just any movie. That's "Double Indemnity."
Officer Ziva David: Tony, your power of observation is unearthly. Now leave me alone. This is the best part.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not going to get between a chick and her flick. How do you know it's the best part?
Officer Ziva David: Because it is the third time I have seen it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't even watch movies.
Officer Ziva David: This is not a movie. It's a classic *film*.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, I know that. You don't know that.
[Ziva holds up a pamphlet]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Film studies? Wow. I really appreciate that, Ziva. Really, I do.
Officer Ziva David: I am taking it because it is the best way to pick up American colloquialism, like "bug off."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You should watch "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
Officer Ziva David: I saw it last week. Sean Penn is a genius. Phoebe Cates is a babe. Now... do you mind?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can get you a list...
Officer Ziva David: I have a list! Bye.
[McGee enters, holding an exaggeratedly large coffee mug]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. Morning, Probie Pan. Where'd you pick that up? Neverland?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no. Pottery Den. Fifty percent off. Got six of them for ten dollars.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's pretty big, don't you think?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, I don't like getting refills ten times a day.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, but I mean, that's a little...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A little what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughing to himself] Seuss-ical?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Leave. I'm enjoying my moment.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm sorry, the correct answer is "Full Metal Jacket."
Officer Ziva David: That was not the best Marine movie. "A Few Good Men" was.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Based on the fact that I'm right, I'm overruling you.


"NCIS: Enemies Foreign (#8.8)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I have hung a net.
Ziva David: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still won't stop you hacky types from stealing my numbers from the Matrix.
[Swipes his wallet over a device]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Look at it, it doesn't work.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's right. You should still be afraid of my kind.
Ziva David: And apparently 22 year old girls.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I refuse to be afraid of 22 year old girls. No matter what kind of magical pick pocketing device they're sporting. You know who the real victim is: artistry.
Ziva David: If someone wants something out of your pants, they should have to use their hands.

Ziva David: [to Liat] You know, you were personally selected by my father to fill a vacancy in his roster, not his bloodline. And trust me, the second part is not something you want to covet.

Ziva David: Tony, it is not about the size of the gun.
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: It is about the will of the shooter.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I gotta hand it to your father, Ziva. He has who knows how many guns trained on him right now, and he's completely oblivious.
Ziva David: No, he's aware. He is always aware of what he does. Not caring about the consequences is what makes him who he is.

Mossad Director Eli David: Ziva if you want to talk. We will talk. I'm not going to beg.
Ziva David: Why not? You know, confronted with the prospect of your own death, another man...
Mossad Director Eli David: A lesser man.
Ziva David: A HUMAN MAN, Would want to.
Mossad Director Eli David: Ziva, you are not dead. You are living your life, making your choices. If you choose to let me be part of your life, I would welcome that with open arms. I am saddled with responsibilities that you cannot possibly fathom. The safety of a nation. And every one of our neighbors wants us dead. I don't have the luxury of allowing my feelings to dictate my actions.
Ziva David: You do not have *any* feelings!
Mossad Director Eli David: I have no feelings?... There was a time, Ziva. When I was quite different. When my house was filled with the sound of children laughing. You and Ari and Tali. There was a time, Ziva. Yes.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, what brings you to D.C.?
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: The cherry blossoms.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's in the spring, actually.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm afraid all we have to offer in November are elections and pardoned turkeys. I really like those boots, Liat. I'm not speaking too fast for you, am I?
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: I understand. You're very, uh... tongue-in-ear.
Ziva David: She means tongue-in-cheek.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't put words in the girl's mouth.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
[last lines]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, about what happened back at the bomb...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't have to say it boss, we know how you feel about us.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs, we're a team, that's what we do.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I was going to say: If either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] That's our boss.

Officer Ziva David: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, it isn't. If it was you'd be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And you'd be far better looking.
[McGee laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] You'd be dead by the opening credits!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about their sensitivity training] There's gotta be a way out of this. Maybe I could injure myself.
[Ziva bends back one of his fingers]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: OW!
Officer Ziva David: What I was only trying to help.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you an expert on interviews now?
Officer Ziva David: Interviews, no. Interrogation techniques, yes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like hooking a car battery up to a guy's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Officer Ziva David: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies.
Officer Ziva David: What do flies have to do with honey?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies don't like vinegar.
Officer Ziva David: Vinegar?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's complicated.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like my father always said, "Be careful who you marry, Anthony. She may end up being a homicidal maniac."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Officer Ziva David: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you think it was a hate crime?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. I definitely don't think it was a hate crime. In my experience there's only one color in the Marines.
Officer Ziva David: By what I've seen of your Marine Corps, it's ethnically diverse.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He means green, Ziva, and I think he's right.

Officer Ziva David: I've learned from Gibbs that you can sometimes attract more bees with honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Flies."
Officer Ziva David: What do flies have to do with honey?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They... don't like... vinegar.


"NCIS: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What did you think would happen?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. The flaw in the plan... was the plan. But I got another plan to end it.

[McGee has hooked up an old "Beary Smiles" toy to his keyboard]
Beary Smiles: Hi, there! I'm Beary Smiles! You're my best friend, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thank you, Beary.
Beary Smiles: You're very welcome!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, one more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off... AGAIN!
Beary Smiles: Gear up, DiNozzo! Got a body at Quantico!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't mess with me!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: That bear sounds very familiar.
Beary Smiles: Ya think, David? DiNozzo, bag and tag! David, witness statements! McGee, I ever tell you how brilliant you are?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, Beary...
Beary Smiles: I love you, McGee.
[Noticing Tony and Ziva's looks, McGee looks over his shoulder and sees Gibbs glaring at him. He types again]
Beary Smiles: Sorry, Boss.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You have to tell him the truth!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like I said, "it's always the maid."
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No. You have said "It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab." But you have never *once* said "maid."
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone ever tell you, your memory can be a real buzz-kill?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on his phone] I already rebooted the system, Frank! *Twice*!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [on her phone] Four hours! That is how long I have waited for your cable repairman, four hours!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I will not reboot it again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Reschedule? So you can waste another Saturday?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just admit that you have no idea how to fix the problem, and we can both get on with our lives!
[They slam their phones down at the same time]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Someone will die today.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It is nice to see a couple with so much in common. Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah. I was actually gonna talk to you about that. Let's see, how do I put this delicately? She, uh... she's not real.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did *not*.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I did. I was bored, it was late, I'd just watched "Weird Science." Next thing I knew, I was building a fake online profile and IMF'ing McGee.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: He really likes her, Tony! You have to tell him!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know... but it's actually kind of flattering, in a creepy kind of way.


"NCIS: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: I told you I couldn't program the navigator. I'm a *driver*!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva, I've driven with you before. I'd rather be lost than dead.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Officer Ziva David: Twenty million for *that*?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Size isn't everything... Forget I even stupidly started to say that.

Officer Ziva David: [Seeing all the computers in the suspect's home] This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Needle in a haystack."
Officer Ziva David: I like mine better.

[after Harrow suffers a fatal heart attack while running from Ziva and McGee]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way!Right, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right Director, they could've...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shot him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right. They could've shot him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Of course, in a high-octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Officer Ziva David: Three rounds.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Added three more.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See? There you go. Six rounds, same result: one dead Mr. Harrow.

Officer Ziva David: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's 'pirated' copy.
Officer Ziva David: That's what I said!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Officer Ziva David: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Johnny Depp.
Officer Ziva David: He's a pirate?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, he's an actor.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How did we get here?
Officer Ziva David: I drove.

Officer Ziva David: Sit back, relax, and try to enjoy the rest of your miserable life.


"NCIS: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass yet?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, he started it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? I'm ending it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [enters and notices Sacks sitting at his desk using his phone] What's wrong with this picture?
Officer Ziva David: Besides being late over two hours?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at *my* desk?

Officer Ziva David: Maybe it's about time, I just - give in.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And by give in, you mean...?
Officer Ziva David: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Officer Ziva David: You were. In fact I almost did it the first night in the hotel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Um, really?
Officer Ziva David: But my father wouldn't approve.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because I'm not Jewish.
Officer Ziva David: Because he gets very angry when I KILL a coworker!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like I believed you for even a second.
Officer Ziva David: I'm sure you didn't.

Officer Ziva David: What would you do if you woke up one day and realized you were married to a monster?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Happened to my father all the time, usually we just moved.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Officer Ziva David: Fiction based on us, yes?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: NO! Look if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjusts his seatbelt]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice knowing you Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva...
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's just a book!

Officer Ziva David: [Talking to Ducky about his falling-out with Gibbs] You need to cut the man some slacks, Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I agree. Except the term is "slack."


"NCIS: Housekeeping (#9.12)" (2012)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Didn't seem that way at the Navy District New Years Eve Party.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! Gotcha! I didn't even go to the Naval District New Year's Eve Party.
Ziva David: Neither did I.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I rest my case. Since when did either of you miss a party?... Also known as the Holiday Blues... pre/post. Not at all uncommon.

Ziva David: Well, only you can do something about that Tony. Change my dear
[Ziva snaps her fingers]
Ziva David: requires some action.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This from a woman who's been waiting 8 weeks for a single solitary phone call from one lousy dude.
Ziva David: *Seven." And maybe I'm done with waiting - maybe it's time we *both* finally took some action. Maybe...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No time for maybes. There's a dead Navy Officer. Nothing maybe about it. Let's go.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [during a gun fight with Stratton] What's he got - a cannon?
Ziva David: Sounds like a .50 caliber round. A gun that size that has limited accuracy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Seems pretty damn accurate to me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Morning.
Ziva David: Hey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I never thought I'd end up being known as the cheerful one at the office.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait, what?
Ziva David: Are you saying we're not cheerful?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last couple weeks, I'd say more, I don't know, surly?
Ziva David: Surly?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Surly you're McStaken.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know,
[Tony walks over to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: you and I, we have a lot in common in that respect.
Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles] You think?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't think. I know.
Ziva David: [after considering for a moment] Well then, I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's phone rings, it's Ray] No...
Ziva David: [exasperated] Yes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Seriously.
Ziva David: I mean, what should I say?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pauses] Say hello.


"NCIS: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Officer Ziva David: Get anything?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech adviser on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Life and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

Officer Ziva David: [as Abby returns McGee's game] Uh frankly, I do not understand the fascination with uh, electronic games. It shortens attention spans, curbs productivity, and it *kills* brain cells.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough with the long sentences. Who can follow all that?

Abby Sciuto: I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.
Officer Ziva David: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Then get a *safer* job!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby Sciuto: True. Still... sucks!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sometimes this job sucks.
Officer Ziva David: Sharon Bellows was in for killing an abusive boyfriend...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And while she's inside, her daughter's being abused. Trimble was scum.
Officer Ziva David: It makes no difference in the eyes of the law.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hence the word "sucks."

[McGee has been ordered to get a convicted murderess to confess to another murder]
Officer Ziva David: There is no doubt in my mind that you will get that confession, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looks smugly at Tony] Thank you, Ziva.
[He leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's toast, isn't he?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: None of the visitors or the injured guard saw Trimble get stabbed, boss.
Officer Ziva David: The DEA is cross-checking all inmates with links to known drug dealers.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've got a feeling that's going to be a long list.
Officer Ziva David: They're checking prison employees, as well.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Security footage.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it right here, boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll be like your closed captioning.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: My what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [dismissing an explanation] I'll talk. You listen.


"NCIS: Dead Air (#8.5)" (2010)
Ziva David: Tony, have you been drinking?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Why?
Ziva David: I could have sworn I heard you *thank* McGee.

Ziva David: I do not know which is more disturbing. The fact that you both *agree* or that McGee is a fan of a sport.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's not just that I'm a fan. It is also- I'm...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: American. Alive. It's October, Ziva. Reggie Jackson is Mr. October. Baseball has seeped into the native consciousness of this country.

Ziva David: I'm afraid Deeter Johansen is out of business. In his line of work, competition can be a killer.
Arthur Haskell: [Quietly] Who are you?
Ziva David: I'm Ziva David. The competition.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [to DiNozzo] However to prevent further damage, I suggest you refrain from talking for the next 24 hours.
[Ziva laughs]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I understand it won't be easy.
Ziva David: We certainly look forward to seeing you try.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Let's hope that there are no movie references that require your edification. I'd hate for your ego to write a check that your body can't cash.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after Ziva jumps on DiNozzo to save him from a bomb] This is nice. I missed the old Ziva.
Ziva David: I can tell.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I considered going into radio once.
Ziva David: Hmm. Well, you certainly like to hear yourself talk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Ziva David: [Both Laughing]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Not talk radio. I think I would've been a great sports commentator. Jack Buck, Vin Scully. Harry Caray.
[In his Harry Caray impression]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!


"NCIS: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
[Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about to track Gibbs's cellphone] Where is he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How would he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
[McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Checking the caller ID on his phone] It's him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We're dead.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Look I dislike Kort as much as you do but the truth is...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh really? You dislike him as much as me? He tried to kill me! He blew up my car!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I'm sure he had his reasons.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Hitmen have arrived] We gotta go?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry Sterling: What's she gonna do?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom now!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall!
[indicating the Most Wanted Wall]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Ran his prints. The coma guy is Jonathan Siravo.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The master of pirates. Can't change his own diaper, but running an international crime syndicate. That he can do in his sleep. You lied to me, Wall!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, Perry was Siravo's accountant. Set up his living will after the motorcyle accident.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Used his power of attorney to access his holdings and begin building his network.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meanwhile, the public face of the empire would never be seen anywhere, but here on the Wall.
[whispers]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're the real victim here aren't you, Wall.


"NCIS: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)
Special Agent Ziva David: I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: The term is 'easy'.
Special Agent Ziva David: What's the difference?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Mostly the make-up.

Special Agent Ziva David: [as they're about to search for a suspect] Gibbs, I d be better suited if I actually went
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're taking him alive! Let's roll!
[Gibbs, DiNozzo and McGee leave]
Park Ranger Bobby Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're female.
Special Agent Ziva David: Oh, he's not trying to protect *me*. He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Abby Sciuto: I was just about to call Tony and McGee. I think they were having sex.
Officer Ziva David: Tony and McGee?

[a group of new agents have been assigned to observe an autopsy]
Officer Ziva David: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: How do you fail an autopsy?
[one of the junior agents vomits]
Officer Ziva David: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our director.

Special Agent Ziva David: It'll be like finding a pin in a haystack!
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Needle in a haystack."
Special Agent Ziva David: Isn't a pin just as hard to find?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Together with Tony] No.

Officer Ziva David: Do you mind if I catch a bat nap?
Park Ranger Bobby Hendricks: No. Just hang from the rafters.


"NCIS: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [last lines; as the team speeds away from the Chimera in the pirates' motor launch, a cruise missile streaks overhead and destroys the ship] Guess the Navy didn't want anyone to know the ship existed.
Officer Ziva David: How did they know we got off the ship?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think they did.

Officer Ziva David: Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [peering over DiNozzo's shoulder] Uh, yeah, I can see it.
[a large rat is eye-level behind DiNozzo. He turns around, sees the live rat, and jumps back in fright. The rat scurries away. DiNozzo exhales]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [smiling] Scared much, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stuff it, Mc-Barf-bag.
Officer Ziva David: It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.
Officer Ziva David: Cowardly, then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of bubonic plague, thank you very much! Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular Willard.
Officer Ziva David: What is a "Willard?"
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a movie.
Officer Ziva David: Mm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss.
Officer Ziva David: No wonder you're related.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You think Gibbs is creepy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She meant the social-misfit-made-fun-of part.

Officer Ziva David: Shh! Did you hear that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Officer Ziva David: There's something aboard... other than a rat.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do your astute, ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?
Officer Ziva David: In the Mossad, part of the training is to be open to things you cannot see, or even understand.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean the supernatural.
Officer Ziva David: Call it what you want, not everything can be explained by the laws of the natural world.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You believe in ghosts?
Officer Ziva David: I do not *not* believe in ghosts... or demons... or monsters. We *are* on a ship called the "Chimera."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought "chimera" meant a delusion or fantasy.
Officer Ziva David: In Greek mythology, a chimera is a monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a dragon's tail.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So you think they named this ship the "Chimera" because there's a monster on board.
Officer Ziva David: [dead serious] They-did-not-name-it-the-"Puppy!"

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [staring at his forearm] Anyone else feeling itchy? Maybe that's a bug bite.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a rat bite.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, no, no. Look at that spot.
Officer Ziva David: It's a freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a freckle.
Officer Ziva David: Freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never had a freckle there.
Officer Ziva David: You've always had that freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how would you know whether I had a freckle or didn't have a freckle? And by the way, I have never had that freckle!

Officer Ziva David: I know there was something there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] Like my freckle?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, get this to Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? That's a dead, diseased rat.
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which is why it may aid Dr. Mallard in his investigation. Which is why I'd be pleased as punch to walk back through this ship with a dead, diseased rat.
Officer Ziva David: You can show Ducky your freckle.


"NCIS: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [after falling on top of McGee] That better be your handcuffs!

Officer Ziva David: If red light is for sexually assaulting a co-worker, what color is for murder?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how's black light sound?
Officer Ziva David: Works for me.

Tracy Taylor: From the video it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the work place: a coworker with "elevator eyes" looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or picture of a sexual nature...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] If you're lucky.
Tracy Taylor: a coworker's hand "accidentally" brushes up against your body.
Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] If you're really lucky.

Officer Ziva David: [after falling on top of McGee] That had better be your handcuff.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, this is a classic "yellow light" situation.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Curious to find out what follows "red light" behavior, Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... potential pregnancy?

Officer Ziva David: Test results come back already?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, I'm pregnant. McGee's gonna be very proud.


"NCIS: Short Fuse (#8.3)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey. Hey. Check it out! Who's the face of NCIS? You're looking at it. Live with it, McEnvy. Get used to it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The will be no living with him now.
Ziva David: [Chuckling] Now?

Ziva David: You're a bomb tech?
Sgt. Dempsey: Just being an office POG didn't cut it for me.
Ziva David: Any regrets?
Sgt. Dempsey: Still got my fingers.

Ziva David: [Fornell tosses Ziva a USB drive] What's this?
Tobias Fornell: Downloaded the cases Gary Tolin supervised over the past 5 years. Hopefully, we can find out who wants him dead.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Of course you got permission to copy those files.
Tobias Fornell: ...There's an index at the front.

Ziva David: [to Fornell] This could take forever. Tolin is one of yours. Why isn't the FBI doing this?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey, until we know more. We're running things from here.

Public Affairs Office Ron Sands: The Director wanted the image of NCIS to be one of authority and integrity.
[Holds up a picture of Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Leadership.
Ziva David: Isn't that a piece of your shoulder in the background, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Yeah it is! Whoa!


"NCIS: Power Down (#7.8)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee and Ziva are stuck in an elevator] So the chain reaction knocked out power in half the district. PEPCO says they'll have it back online soon.
Ziva David: Cannot happen soon enough. I'm sure Gibbs is feeling right at home.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well you don't need electricity to used handtools or drink a bottle of bourbon.
[DiNozzo starts to chuckle]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...He's right behind you, isn't he?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo realizes Gibbs is behind him. To McGee and Ziva] Yes, he is.
[to Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, you know, there's nothing wrong with the occassional cocktail.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So how are we going to run fingerprints through AFIS?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or facial recognition software?
[to McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What is that?
Ziva David: Or access our photos on our digital cameras?
[Gibbs hands them equipment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ahh
[DiNozzo grunts. To McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to switch?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then let's flip for it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last time we flipped, you used a trick coin.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We'll use your coin.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Fine!
[McGee goes to his desk. DiNozzo and Ziva start to leave]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I flip. you call it in the air. If you touch me, I automatically win and...
[Notices they're already leaving]
Ziva David: Sorry McGee.

Navy Comm Sarah Resnik: I'm sorry. I'm allergic to perfume. You're wearing quite a bit.
Ziva David: I'm not wearing any.
[pause they both look at DiNozzo]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't have any hot water.
[DiNozzo clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And it's not perfume. It's Ode de Cologne. Noted.

Ziva David: [stuck in an elevator] It could be worse.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How?
Ziva David: We could be stuck in here with Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [through the elevator door] I heard that.


"NCIS: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)
Special Agent Ziva David: [on Gibbs] It takes him a while to warm up to people, huh?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Want to know the secret about getting on his good side?
Special Agent Ziva David: Of course.
[Tony fishes his cell phone out of his soda, where Gibbs dropped it]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Me, too.

Special Agent Ziva David: Just to be clear, are there any more of these "rules" I should be aware of?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Special Agent Ziva David: [disbelieving chuckle] And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could...?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Special Agent Ziva David: [getting angry] Then how am I supposed to...?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.

Ziva David: [referring to Tony] Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word "day."

Timothy McGee: Okay, the dead guy downstairs who we thought was impersonating Petty Officer Jerry Smith is actually the real Petty Officer Jerry Smith. And the Jerry Smith Tony and Ziva talked to in Norfolk turns out to be the fake Jerry Smith, and it's confusing.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Kind of like "the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle"?
[no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true"?
[again, no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Court Jester"? Danny Kaye? Come on, guys. It's a classic.
[Gibbs thumps Tony on the forehead]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who is he, McGee?
Timothy McGee: John Kirby. We lifted his prints from his desk at Norfolk.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: His empty desk. He didn't report for duty today.
Timothy McGee: He and Smith had overlapping tours at Jacksonville in '02. Kirby was discharged in '03.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Honorably.
Timothy McGee: Boss, these guys must have had this planned from the first day of Smith's new assignment.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think so, McGee? I'm gonna need Kirby's
Timothy McGee: Address. He lives on West Little Creek. Been there about a year. And the warrant.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, take a ride.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You got it, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get a BOLO out on Kirby with the FBI, local, and state.
Timothy McGee: Already done, boss.
Special Agent Ziva David: "BOLO"?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Be on the lookout."

[Tony mocks Gibbs' praise of McGee]
Special Agent Ziva David: Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on days of the week ending with the word "day."


"NCIS: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Speaking of snipers, has anyone seen Gibbs?
[Abby enters with a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found, Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A, there are thousands of guns on a Navy Base...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And B, you're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, what if I told you the base MPs gave me the gun to test?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call-out.
Abby Sciuto: And the gun was found under a kid's bed, and it was loaded.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Still does not warrant a call-out.
Abby Sciuto: [takes a sip of Gibbs's coffee, and grimaces] Ugh! And it was recently fired.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee, Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It's not a call-out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team gears up]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip...
[hands him the coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink the swill.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This reminds me of the forest I used to have fun in as a child.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What? That Israel had forests?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [chuckles] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, and take us into the middle of the forest. And then we had to find our way out, by ourselves.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I stand corrected.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Somehow the gun got out of evidence, and into the hands of a 12-year old.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who held the evidence?
Abby Sciuto: ...We did. It was an NCIS case.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, tough time at the Pawn Shop?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva sighs] I ran into a stone wall.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Brick wall.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No! It was a stone wall! I backed up too quickly.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Why is it always the case that when two people struggle over a gun, one person never shoots the other? The gun miraculously just goes off.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby said it was an evil gun.


"NCIS: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Jody Carvell: ...and I can only think of one explanation: it was the hand of God!
Officer Ziva David: Hmm... can Gibbs arrest God?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. That's sort of like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Officer Ziva David: [McGee and DiNozzo have taken off their shirts] This is just like Chippendales without the bowties... or muscles.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [watching Gibbs in interrogation] She's telling the truth.
Officer Ziva David: Where are you going?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: To tell Gibbs.
[leaves Observation]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you think?
Officer Ziva David: Glad the glass is bulletproof.

Officer Ziva David: [answering her cell phone] Officer David.
Jody Carvell: This is Jody Carvell. I am standing outside of the Larson Lane house. Are you aware that the police tape is still up?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, it's an ongoing investigation.
[to Gibbs]
Officer Ziva David: It's the real estate agent.
Jody Carvell: Okay, for how much longer? It costs me money every day I can't show this house.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but I...
Jody Carvell: This is outrageous. You clearly...
Officer Ziva David: No, I...
Jody Carvell: I would like to speak to your supervisor, if I could.
Officer Ziva David: [annoyed, to Gibbs] She wants to have a word with my supervisor.
[Gibbs takes the phone, ends the call, closes the phone, and hands it back to Ziva]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [opening the deceased's storage locker] Maybe we should put some Vic's under our noses.
Officer Ziva David: I doubt we'll find a body.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hope not. I hate that.


"NCIS: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)
[watching McGee interview a suspect]
Officer Ziva David: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.
[inside]
Ceasar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, actually I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected links to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist," and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [impressed] That... actually was intimidating.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ice, that means...
Officer Ziva David: You're going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a really good one, too.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not about being gay. It's about image.
Officer Ziva David: So your image is homophobic?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNiozzo! Where the hell have you been?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I come bearing gifts. Spent the night at Rock Creek Park, and I found these when they drained the pond.
[produces a trio of guns]
Officer Ziva David: Whoa! That's a big one.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You expecting an "attaboy"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought it would be nice.
[Tony flinches in anticipation of getting slapped on the head]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [stroking the back of Tony's head] Attaboy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was just doing my job, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know that!

Tomas Zepeda: You're either DEA or Immigration. You're not FBI. They wear suits.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS.
Ceasar Bernal: Navy cops.
Tomas Zepeda: What'd we do to piss you off? Come on, man. We get blamed for everything these days. Help me out. We steal the Admiral's car?
Ceasar Bernal: Or his calzoncillos?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You killed two Marines. The first in a drive-by shooting. The other in Rock Creek Park.
Tomas Zepeda: Take me away.
[motions to other gang members]
Tomas Zepeda: You want one of them instead? Go with the Federales, they need a suspect.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We know who did it.
[puts photos on the table]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You can keep those.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't look surprised.
Tomas Zepeda: I never seen them before.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They used to run your organization.
Tomas Zepeda: Organization? We're a social club.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're not El Jefe.
Tomas Zepeda: No? Who am I?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "El Gordo"?
[Spanish, "The fat one?"]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [everyone in the restaurant laughs] See? Nobody laughs at the boss. You have El Jefe give me a call, or I book him the next seat on the flight to Gitmo.
Tomas Zepeda: You can't do that. We're not terrorists.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: I'll have Tel Aviv produce an intercept between Al Qaeda and this... social club. You want photos?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That would be good.
Officer Ziva David: It might take me twenty-four hours.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay. Twenty-four hours.


"NCIS: Defiance (#8.15)" (2011)
Adriana Gorgova: [about Gibbs] He souds pleasant.
Ziva David: That's our boss. A man of few words.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: To quote the agent that'll walk in here with him "a functional mute." I suggest you don't mess with him too much.

Ziva David: [Tony's staring open-mouthed at Adriana] Close your mouth, Tony. Her radar's locked on McGee.

Ziva David: How long do you think we're going to be together?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You and Ray?
Ziva David: No, us. I mean you've been here 7 years. Tony's been here longer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I do think about that myself sometimes. I mean - Tony turned down a post in Spain 4 years ago. Careerwise, he can't do that again.
Ziva David: Do you think you'd want to lead your own team?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Yeah. Yeah. Someday sure.

Adriana Gorgova: What's with McGee?
[DiNozzo chuckles]
Ziva David: What do you mean?
Adriana Gorgova: Is there a = Mrs. McGee?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo chuckles] What a concept.
Ziva David: No. He's not married.
Adriana Gorgova: Girlfriend?
Ziva David: Not that I know of.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, what am I missing here, huh? We talking about the same guy - Timothy McGee? The Icabod Crane who speaks in algorythms. And looks like he has some kind of permanently frumpy expression on his face.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Defense treaty was just signed. Gorgova and his party are departing Andrews at 1345.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Adrianna with him?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm.
Ziva David: Wait. So she cooperates in her own kidnapping and then she gets off Scotch free?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Scot".
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Diplomatic immunity.


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did you really make that decision or was it made for you? By your addiction to killing. McGee killed a thousand people yesterday.
Ziva David: Eh? That is not a record.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On his video game.
Ziva David: Oh. Is that a record?

Ziva David: We have hit a Shamu.
NCIS Agent Susan Grady: Does she mean snafu?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Roll with it.

Bill: Gnarly, dude!
Ted: Yeah, for real.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Words. Use 'em! Helpful ones.
Ted: We're sleeping in our van, yo, right. And we hear "Bam! Bam! Boom! Boom! Crack! Crack!"
Bill: Gun shots, dude. That's what I said. I was like "Dude, gunshots!" Right?
Ziva David: So you're saying there were 6 gunshots.
Bill: No, two gunshots, but there was like an echo. And he was like "Dude, don't look", but I was like "Dude we're lookin'!"
Ted: Yeah, and then we like peeked through the windows. And we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Two? You're sure it wasn't an echo?
Bill: Yeah, two dudes.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [ID'ing a second victim at their crime scene] Well, no names coming up in AFIS. Oh, wait a second, boss. We've got a red flag here. It says to contact the FBI.
Ziva David: I think I recognize this guy. Isn't it...?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stefano Delmar.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Organized crime. Up-and-comer. Our petty officer stumbled onto a hit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing Jimmy trying to put ointment on an alergic reaction on his back] Dear God! Someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva David: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Jimmy Palmer: Turns out I am really allergic to henna, but I-I can't reach back there. So do you think you guys could...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [grabbing his bag and hurrying toward the elevator] I'm late for a squash game.
Ziva David: [hurrying toward the elevator] I'm sorry I gotta get the hell out of here.
Jimmy Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's what girlfriends are for!
Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, yeah, ok. I can get the top part.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stay, stay, stay!
Ziva David: No please! It might be contagious.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pointing to Ziva] She'll do it! She'll do it!
Ziva David: I may have to hurt you massively. I may have to hurt you massively!
Jimmy Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva David: No you wouldn't!


"NCIS: False Witness (#8.10)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Handing files to an agent] Get these down to Archives ASAP. They've been asking for them for 3 months.
NCIS Agent: Okay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Agent McGee. Probationary Agent David. Good morning.
Ziva David: Looks like Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't sound like him.

Deputy DA Gail Walsh: Did you know that the majority of people meet their spouces at work?
Ziva David: ...Huh? Not something I have high hopes for.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, Tony is a great investigator, don't get me wrong. But the closest he likes coming to filling out paperwork is renewing his Maxim subscription.
Ziva David: I know. Which is why I'm growing so concerned.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know what? Actually, I am too. He gave me half his french fries at lunch.
Ziva David: One of us has to confront him.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And tell him what? Why aren't you acting like a 14 year old anymore?
Ziva David: I was going to say more like a 12 year old. But *yes*.

P.O. Jerry Neisler: But you and Tony are...
Ziva David: Enough! We're just friends. There's nothing different about him.
P.O. Jerry Neisler: All right.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis. I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva David: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just... growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grow older when the risk is higher. But... you need to find *balance*. And yes, yes, yes, yes,yes, you need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. You need to be who you are.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who am I?
Ziva David: You are... Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.


"NCIS: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's helping McGee make a face] Would you two like some time alone?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no boss. We were just...
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Acting like children.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Someone didn't know how to parallell park
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: I've always found it hard to park when someone is shooting at you

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shmuel Rubenstein.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sounds like a real stud.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: One punch and it was over.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What did Shmuel Rubinstein do to incur the wrath of Ziva?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: He said he liked me.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Tony, you and I come from two *totally* different places. In my world, you grow up fast, you have no choice.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now you do.

Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: How's that for old-school slothing?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Sleuthing."


"NCIS: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Doc worked on somebody.
Ziva David: So why here, and not in a hospital.
Leon Vance: [Vance enters] Because the patient didn't want to be seen. That's why.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Director.
Leon Vance: I saw the PD report. Details I've come across before. I wanted to see for myself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Copycat?
Leon Vance: That would be a relief.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.
Ziva David: I do not follow.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? A couple of pretty ladies both trained as assasins.
Ziva David: You annoy me sometimes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sometimes?
Ziva David: *Most* of the time.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, look at him.
Ziva David: What are you talking about?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's oozing a musky caveman-esque, primitive satisfaction. Like Heston in Planet of the Apes. And it didn't matter that that world was ruled by orangutangs, because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loin cloth. You pulled a total Heston, didn't you?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know about that. It was only a few minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, sometimes that's all it takes in my middle-aged world.

Ziva David: [to DiNozzo] Oh, come on. Stop being such a big brother. He's a field agent. A nomad. I've enough of that in my life. I came to NCIS to... settle down, to make a home for myself. The last thing I need is a Chad Dunham.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, your McSqueeze is here.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Amanda? How'd she get upstairs?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, Security called. I said bring her on up. Surprise, surprise.
Amanda Barrow: Hey.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey.
Amanda Barrow: I got your text, but I wanted to say good night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Um, Amanda, these, uh, are my coworkers. This is Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And this is Ziva.
Amanda Barrow: Hi, there.
Ziva David: Hi. It is a pleasure to meet you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's lying.


"NCIS: Rule Fifty-One (#7.24)" (2010)
Ziva David: It is no the first time he has run off on his own.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey, not the first time he's run off to Mexico.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Certainly not the first time he's gone without telling us anything.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Nothing new to see here.
Leon Vance: [Entering] Not a poker player among you. Terrible. Terrible bluffs. We're all used to how Gibbs operates, for better or worse. Let's just stay focused on what we're good at without Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would that be Director?
Leon Vance: If you don't know, Agent DiNozzo, I'm not going to tell you.

Ziva David: You must be feeling like the red-headed stepchild.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now how would you get that idiom right?
Ziva David: Because I am an American now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not yet. I'm going to call my Congressman.

Abby Sciuto: The 40's. The 40's are for emergency use only!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If the 40's are in play, something unspeakably bad is going down.
Ziva David: We have to get him back!

Ziva David: How did they get Gibbs's gun? Gibbs has always said there is *one* way to do that.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Palmer looks puzzled] Pry it from his cold dead hand.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva has been accepted as a naturalized citizen] I've never been more disappointed in my government.
Ziva David: Hey! That is my government now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not 'till Friday.


"NCIS: Safe Harbor (#9.5)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? I mean, don't get me wrong? I'm just not married to it, you know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait. I think I have a solution.
Ziva David: What? A pet for Gibbs? A - a new hobby?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A new woman.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Entering] That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think Gibbs and Borin would make a great couple. Just think of all the fun they'd have giving each other head slaps.
Ziva David: Well, head slaps are not very romantic, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, they can be - in the right context.

Mariam Bawali: Wait. I cannot turn a blind eye anymore.
Ziva David: Miriam, it is too late.
Mariam Bawali: No, there is still a chance to do right by my children.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.
Ziva David: People always think the wrong reasons are right - espeically parents.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, they got perspective.
Ziva David: Parents still make mistakes.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Ziva David: My... mother... never told me what kind of a... man... my father was. Perhaps she did not think I was not... strong enough to handle it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nah. She was just being a mom.
Ziva David: How do you know?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Perspective.
Ziva David: Are you lonely, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Never alone when you have kids.
[Gibbs kisses Ziva's forehead]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Night, kid.


"NCIS: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You need a secretary.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a therapist.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or both!

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [after Ziva fires Medina's Beretta on the range] I prefer the SIG.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Thing's got too much of a kick.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your sight is a few millimeter off.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Really?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really.
[Medina looks at the target Ziva shot]

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sit down!
Victor 'Popeye' Carmado: I ain't sitting down!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sientate! Or do you want La Bonita to sit your ass down?
Victor 'Popeye' Carmado: [Meekly as he's sitting down] I thought you forgot about me, that's all.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: There is a Smurf war...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Turf war."
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: - between two competing gangs.


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Ziva David: We are meeting in New York next weekend. He's taking me to the opera.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The opera? Wow. Does his boyfriend know about you?
Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles] No, but his mom does.

Ziva David: I'm not hiding anything. Ray knows all about you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Again. Why haven't we met him?
Ziva David: Because Ray knows all about you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not the one you should be worried about, right?
[Gibbs enters in the deep background and aproaches the group]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've seen men of steel melt from a mere glance from Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
[Gibbs stands right behind DiNozzo]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That flinty steel-eyed stare that makes those men turn into sniveling girls.
[In a high pitch]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Oh, I'm so sc-
[DiNozzo realize Gibbs is behind him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Morning Boss.

Ziva David: Oh my gosh! You want to see me overreact, Ray? Why don't you tell me another lie? Why don't you tell me the sky is yellow? Why don't you tell me that water is not wet or that sand is not dry? Why don't you tell me you love me?
Ray Cruz: I love you. I love you, Ziva.
Ziva David: I don't believe you.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [bumping into Ziva and Ray] Ziva. CI-Ray.
Ziva David: Stop calling him that.


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Ziva David: Ma'am I'd like you to meet,uh, Special Agent Gibbs.
Joann: Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey Joann.
Ziva David: You two know each other?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Agent David, Joann Fielding. My mother-in-law.
Joann: *Ex*-mother-in-law.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shannon's mom.
Joann: Kelly's grandmom.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh oh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. Big time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He compliment me, twice.
Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles slightly] Very un-Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better keep an eye on that guy. Don't you agree Director?
Leon Vance: Is that your decision Agent DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not mine to make, sir.
Leon Vance: You got that right!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Aren't you hot?
Ziva David: Been told that before.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Talking about temperature.
Ziva David: Stop complaining! This is what winter feels like in Israel.

Ziva David: This is a great work of art.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah what do yah got there... new Judy Blume? 'Are you there God? It's me, Margaret'.
Ziva David: This my friend is the Declaration of Independence. My citizenship test is coming up and I wish to pass with swimming colors.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Flying colors.
Ziva David: Any colors will do, McGee.


"NCIS: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Marine Major Ken Meyers: I need to see he's okay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Aside from holding five people hostage, he's doing great.
Officer Ziva David: What does Kody want?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He wants his mother brought to him.
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Oh, God!
Officer Ziva David: What?
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Kody's mother is dead!

Marine Major Ken Meyers: Kody's had some difficulties, but he's never acted out before.
Officer Ziva David: Your son strapped a bomb to his chest, kidnapped his homeroom, and is demanding to see his dead mother. I'd say he's *past* his acting out stage, Major!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss!... Tony!
[Tony chuckles]
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He called me "Boss."
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, he'll never live it down.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after finding out Major Meyer's has gone to NCIS] I didn't authorize that.
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: No, sir. Your Boss did.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My Boss is a hostage right now. He's not authorizing much of anything!
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: Not that Boss, sir.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the only Boss I have!
Officer Ziva David: Ah-ah-ah! You are FORGETTING the Director!


"NCIS: One Last Score (#8.17)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Time to hit the showers.
Ziva David: Is your shower not working?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why? Do I smell?
Ziva David: I cannot smell you from there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And you're part bloodhound.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I shower 3 times a week... like Brad Pitt. Preserves my natural aroma.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boy, Director Vance wasn't kidding about making changes.
Ziva David: We are going to lose some people
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Elevator door opens revealing Gibbs] We already have. NCIS investigative assistant found dead in the garage. Good you got your gear. Come on, let's go.
[Everyone enters the elevator]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Somebody stinks.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What about you, David? When do you feel like showering?
Ziva David: After just about any conversation with you, Tony.

Ziva David: You know it seems unfair, you get to go home for giving us the name of a man who was recently murdered.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Deal's a deal, Ziva.
Leona Phelps: You gotta muzzle your pups, Gibbs. They all seem to have a problem with barking.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, this one's problem is definitely her bite.


"NCIS: Hiatus (#3.23)" (2006)
[after Tony refers to "The Usual Suspects."]
Officer Ziva David: I'm confused.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [from the backseat] So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "The Sound of Music" confuses *you*, Probie.
Officer Ziva David: I love that movie!
[She starts to sing, DiNozzo claps a hand over her mouth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's a Small World" for 24 hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Officer Ziva David: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.

Officer Ziva David: Ducky, drip it!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you mean "drop it" or "zip it"?
Officer Ziva David: Argh, American idioms drive me up the hall!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well actually it's... ugh, never mind.

[first lines]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is so "Usual Suspects".
Officer Ziva David: Tony, your dying words will be, "I've seen this film".

Capt. Aris Mahir: Now look, I am not a terrorist! No Wahabi! I fight no Jihad!
Officer Ziva David: You profit from it, you swine! And for that, you should die!


"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or, maybe it *was* just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
Officer Ziva David: Now there is a suspect list I would not want to run down again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.

Abby Sciuto: The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.
Officer Ziva David: Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?
Abby Sciuto: No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I mean it metaphorically McGee.

Officer Ziva David: In my professional opinion, the risk of serious injury is substantial.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I agree, but there are protocols that have to be followed.
Officer Ziva David: Which are useless if it doesn't impart a tactical advantage.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't underestimate appearances, Ziva. I've known entire missions to fail because an asset didn't button her lapel properly.
Officer Ziva David: I see your point.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: So we are in agreement?
[Ziva nods]
Officer Ziva David, NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [both turn to Abby] Heels!
Abby Sciuto: I hate court!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated. Let's talk outfits!


"NCIS: Freedom (#8.13)" (2011)
Ziva David: "Late 90's?"
[Ziva laughs]
Ziva David: That makes you... sound so...
[Ziva laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Old? Don't say old.
Ziva David: I didn't say it. You did.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva David: Uh how do you know?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Ziva David: Lubricant helps. But everyone has dry spells.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Watching a training video of Georgia Wooten] A lot of anger there.
Ziva David: She's a strong powerful woman in a world dominated by men. That is not anger. *That* is determination.

Ziva David: I know what it's like to be under the control of a man. To feel like you have no power. And the only way to get that power back is to... shut down. You tell yourself you must shut down. You tell yourself to never show emotion to anybody. I know what that's like. It's the only way you can survive. I also know what it's like to seek revenge.
Georgia Wooten: I did not kill my husband, Agent David. You stay away from me, and my son!


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking on the phone with Ziva] We've been trying to contact Gibbs, but we haven't been able to reach him.
Officer Ziva David: Ah! Why didn't you say so?
[hands the phone to Gibbs]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! You have 10 seconds to explain why I'm not in Mexico building my teak watertub. 9... 8... 7...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, look I'm retired. I'm 3,000 miles away. What do you think can I do that they can't do?
Officer Ziva David: Honestly, I don't know. I was, uh, hoping maybe... save me.
[starts crying]

Officer Ziva David: [Speaking of DiNozzo] He's been insufferable since you left.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking at DiNozzo] That true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] When I have to be!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I did leave the right person in charge.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] It's good to see you again, McGee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What did I say?
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] You called him "McGee."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Ziva] Hmmmm... That's probably because if I had left him in charge you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.


"NCIS: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)
[a cat runs through a home's pet door, startling Tony]
Officer Ziva David: [laughing] Don't tell me your afraid of a little pussy... cat, Tony.

Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
Officer Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
Officer Ziva David: It *is* Saturday, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Were you serious, earlier, when you said that I smell bad?
Officer Ziva David: [laughs] I was just kidding.
[Tony farts loudly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [farts loudly] How about now?
Officer Ziva David: [hits him] You are disgusting! You do that again and I will shoot you, got it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing their target appear] Start the car.
Officer Ziva David: How's that gonna help with you still in it?

Officer Ziva David: [Eating pizza with Tony in Observation; Gibbs is interrogating Lt. Napleton] This woman is a total turd!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Stares at Ziva, pizza in mouth]
Officer Ziva David: A geek, yes?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The term is "nerd."


"NCIS: Cracked (#8.6)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ethel's different. She's special.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Special Ethel.
Ziva David: Good Tony. You're finally dating someone within your age range.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Happens to be a family name. And I happen to like it. It's strong, distinguished. It says...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "I've fallen, and I can't get up."

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's even started - I can share this - she's even started talking about role playing.
Ziva David: You're taking a drama class?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's not the kind of role playing he's talking about. Just don't you show up tomorrow wearing a diaper and carrying a whip, okay?
Ziva David: Oh, *that* kind of role playing.

Ziva David: I am a little concerned. I have never seen Abbey so...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Quiet.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. She's fine. She's just thinking.

Ziva David: [Tony groans] I know that sound.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What sound? I didn't make a sound.
Ziva David: It is the sound of things not boding well for poor Ethel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't want to talk about it.
Ziva David: What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the role you're going to play?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She wants me to dress up like - No. I can't. It's sacrilige. I have to end it.
Ziva David: Oh come on, Tony. It's only been 2 days. It's too short, even for you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Trust me, Ziva. There's something a man should never do.
Ziva David: We're not talking about a man here. We're talking about *you*. Did you let her know?


"NCIS: Once a Hero (#4.8)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while at a banquet to protect Director Shepard, Tony tries to sneak some food and Ziva slaps his hand away] Ow!
Officer Ziva David: We're not here to eat. We're here to protect the Director.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, this is probably the most secure building in the whole country right now. CIA, DSS, ATF, FBI - the whole alphabet's here. Not to mention state troopers, metro cops and NCIS' finest - me.
[Ziva gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And you.

Officer Ziva David: [when Tony's eating a huge, greasy hamburger] You're disgusting. How can you eat that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, Ziva, the human body is a finely tuned engine - none more finely tuned than mine. Even the best engine needs oil.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, there's no bag. Maybe the killer took it.
Officer Ziva David: Maybe she just didn't have a bag.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Officer Ziva David: Do I have a bag, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, but you're not a... Well, I mean, you're a woman. You're just not a... not a normal...

Officer Ziva David: Two cellphones, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, one for each ear.


"NCIS: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I miss something?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Officer Ziva David: However this cell is operating, they found a way to do so without leaving a shred of evidence.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Other than the dead marine.
[Gibbs walks away. DiNozzo whispers to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Ziva is disarming a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you talking about? I don- I don't know what you're talking about.
Officer Ziva David: I'm talking about you and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: See anything good?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, real good. But I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying...
[Ziva cuts a wire]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [tense pause before finishing] over.
Officer Ziva David: "Not worth dying over."
[zips up her jacket]
Officer Ziva David: I'll remember that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What if I said it was?
Officer Ziva David: Now you'll never know.

[Abraham has been tricked into carrying a time bomb into a shopping center. The rest of the team and Col. Mann rush up to defuse it]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thirty seconds...
Officer Ziva David: Tony, Army knife.
Abraham Moussalah: [oblivious, to McGee] What's your name?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? Uh, Tim.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It means, "he who is about to wet his pants."
[Ziva disarms the bomb with five seconds left. Everyone exhales]
Abraham Moussalah: Why is he gonna wet his pants?


"NCIS: Enemies Domestic (#8.9)" (2010)
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: You know our safehouse in Tel Aviv is a concrete bunker - 100 feet below ground.
Ziva David: Meaning this would not have happened there? Because there's no violence in Israel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ladies...
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: Hadar is dead. We were operating under NCIS protocols.
Ziva David: Are you blaming me?
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: Liat, focus.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Three men walk into a room. One ends up in a morgue, one in a hospital. That leaves one we can do anything about.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: First priority: type and match to confirm - it belongs to Eli David.
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: It has to be his or his kidnappers.
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: Why do you assume he was kidnapped?
Ziva David: Because it is the only option where my father is still alive.

Ziva David: But just one question: why did you not trust me?
Mossad Officer Liat Tuvia: You're not with us.
Ziva David: ABBA! Show yourself!

Mossad Director Eli David: There have been times, I felt this job take a piece of me. I worry they may be gone forever.
Ziva David: Sometimes life... surprises you.
Mossad Director Eli David: [Walks to Ziva's side of the desk] Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva.
[Eli kisses Ziva on the forehead]


"NCIS: Jet Lag (#7.13)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nora, for a whistle blower on a major Defense Fraud case, you seem awfully relaxed.
Nora Williams: I have faith in you to protect me.
Ziva David: Well, most of our material witnesses are frightened parasites. I wish all the people we dealt with were as nice as you.

Ziva David: Our boss, he has a list of rules. Rule #12 says you should never date a co-worker.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My understanding, can't be done.
Ziva David: Should not be done. How do you and your fiancee make it work?
Nora Williams: You two looking for advice?
Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.

Ziva David: And plastic silverware is not as safe as you may think. I once killed a man with a credit card.

Ziva David: Tony and I have, um, different approaches.
Nora Williams: Yet complimentary. You sure you two never...?
Ziva David: No! Positive. Definitely, no.


"NCIS: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do I get the feeling that Gibbs and Sportelli are going to come to blows.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Who is Sportelli?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the police detective who made the mistake of tugging on Superman's cape.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Gibbs in interrogation] So what do you think? How's he going to break her down? What's the style?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's leading with Creepy Uncle, but I think he's gonna go with Father Figure you can trust.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nope. Just doesn't feel right. I am going to go with the classic in your face Gibbs the Intimidator.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Don't think so.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [Ziva hands Gibbs some papers] I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS Agent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Already have. Sent my father an email.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's he think about that?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Does not matter.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [after listening to a Beltway Burns clip which is an outright lie] That is total salami!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Baloney.


"NCIS: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)
Ted Rodgers: [From inside his house] THERE'S NO CANDY HERE!
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: NCIS WE DON'T WANT CANDY.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Speak for yourself David. OPEN UP OR WE'LL SEND THE KIDS IN!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Once is a tragedy. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. We're talking about a black ops widow.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: Tony, the first two husbands died in the line of duty. Giving you no reason to suspect she had anything to do with the third one's death.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I've got...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Evidence.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not to speak of, boss.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then stop speaking.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: [DiNozzo's in the Men's room] Tony. McGee has been here for 6 years. I have been here for 4. I know you're enjoying this, but *we are* agents! So could you *please* stop calling us...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs exits the Men's room] Problem, probie? You've been an agent all of one week. Your Mossad Liason days are over.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: You know, Tony. I've been thinking. And um, I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent. And your place as...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your superior in every way.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: ...Yes. But for my sanity, could you please stop calling me "probie?"
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I say it with love... And if I refuse?
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: You are Senior Field Agent. And I am... entirely at your mercy.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. As you should be.


"NCIS: Guilty Pleasure (#7.19)" (2010)
Ziva David: The man-mance is over?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We didn't have a man-mance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You had a fling.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Guys don't have flings, we hang out.
Ziva David: Things were hanging out? That's disgusting.

Ziva David: [Ziva chuckles] Tony needs help with a woman?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. I needed a geek wingman. McGeek qualifies.

Ziva David: You what what you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Itch." And yes we are.
Ziva David: You are like a married couple.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Oh no, they're not. They're still speaking.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ms Snow's been back in business for one hour, we've receive 16 calls, and none of them were Charlotte.
Ziva David: You know, you would think that United States Senators would use blocked numbers.


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I ran that cell phone number that Cobb keyed into this sedan. Id's blocked. It's a secure government line.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well unsecure it, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Whoever it belongs to has a significant clearance level.
Ziva David: That's Ray's cellphone number

NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: Agent Levin died because I screwed up
Ziva David: No, Agent Levin died because it was his time. There was nothing you could do about it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uncle Sec Nav. She could have mentioned that.
Ziva David: Maybe she did not want you to think less of her. I know what it's like to have a relative in a place of power. It can... influence things. We'll find her.

Ziva David: Then don't go, stay.
Ray Cruz: I can't.
Ziva David: Well, tell them I threatened to divorce you.
Ray Cruz: [Holding up his left hand] They know I'm not married.
Ziva David: Well if you keep doing this, you'll never be.


"NCIS: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: As you know, people go on vacations all the time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Normal people
Officer Ziva David: I *am* normal people.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're normal people like the people from "Ordinary People" were normal people.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of deal?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Immediately after the trial. Kale is going to put in the witness protection program. So even if he did murder Brewer, we'll never know.
Officer Ziva David: It will be as if he never existed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just like Fornell wanted.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Fornell] For a guy that's about to be handed his head...
Officer Ziva David: He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calm before the storm. Gibbs vs Fornell, it's like Frazier-Ali, or Rocky vs... everyone.

Officer Ziva David: No wonder he's keeping his cards so close to his breasts!


"NCIS: Patriot Down (#7.23)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're supposed to feel safer on American soil.
Ziva David: That could happen anywhere to any of us. That is the risk we take.

Ziva David: We are not here to eat, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I mourn, I eat. I'm Italian.
Ziva David: Jews and Italians are similar that way.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you're a woman - what would you do?
Ziva David: I'm different. After torturing them til they cry like babies, I would castrate them. Give them what they deserve.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.


"NCIS: Collateral Damage (#6.7)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony's still hitting on the new recruits, huh?
Officer Ziva David: Ignorant, hopeful, and eager to please.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What recruit isn't?
Officer Ziva David: I was not talking about the recruit.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know if you've noticed but she and they don't exactly want to shoot me.
Officer Ziva David: Give them time.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, just. Let me do it. Let me do it, please. Okay? You handle this like your car.
Officer Ziva David: And if you ever want to handle anything every again remove your hand from my *mouse*!


"NCIS: Broken Arrow (#8.7)" (2010)
Ziva David: [Re: a dumpster] Somebody's going to have to go through this. This is disgusting.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Last time I checked, I was Senior Field Agent.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, it's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: But we do!
Ziva David: You're going to pull rank on me?

Ziva David: I'm sure he's all right, Tony. He looked fine getting off the plane.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, so did the guy in front of him, and he ended up dead crammed in a dumpster.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Slow down, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, I got a hit, 15100 1st Street Northeast. Mid-Atlantic Trailways Bus Station.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony groans] This is worse than I thought. My father... at a bus station.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Watching DiNozzo Sr run his hand down Ziva's back] Oh oh. There it is.
Ziva David: Uh uh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is the beginning of the end of my career.


"NCIS: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Iraq's not so great. I mean the whole trip is probably a big waste of time. The murderer is probably right here.
Officer Ziva David: Awfully long gun barrel if that is true.

NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: [to the Assistant Director] It is *my* area of expertise. I have a lot of contacts there.
Officer Ziva David: As do *I*.
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: My contacts are still breathing.
Officer Ziva David: As are...
[scoffs]
Officer Ziva David: Hmm most of mine.

[Abby is speaking to Tony and Nikki in Baghdad via video chat]
Abby Sciuto: I didn't know you guys were sharing a room.
Officer Ziva David: [whispering] They're sharing a room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not exactly sharing a room.
Officer Ziva David: [whispering] Either they are sharing a room or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!


"NCIS: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [in Gibbs' basement with wires strung from the ceiling] Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only Jethro is allowed to call me that.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no, Ducky. I think she meant duck.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Hands Ziva his knife] The FBI car out front.
Officer Ziva David: [Takes the knife and pops the blade open, smiling] Got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva! Their tires, not their throats.

Officer Ziva David: I would hate to be misunderstood.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: And does that happen often?
Officer Ziva David: Once in a blue lagoon.


"NCIS: The Penelope Papers (#9.3)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to his cellphone] I got it. For the 188th time, I got it! Yes, the balloons, and the streamers. I know. I - what? No. No. No strippers this year! NO!
[Realizes others can hear him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I gotta go. I'll call you back.
Ziva David: Planning a party Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not exactly. It's my father's birthday party. He's planning, I'm paying - in all kinds of ways.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I remember one year, I think I was seven, spent all day making this huge card for my dad. Used paint, glitter, special paper - the works. I gave it to him that night, and uh, he handed it back to me and said "You can do better. Try again."
Ziva David: That is a terrible story, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's the way he is.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kind of makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are similarities.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.
Ziva David: That is disgusting.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The venier of impenetribility.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The skill at turning one word into a rallying cry.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Gear up!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Guess that's two words.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
[Ziva tries on the hat from McGee's Halloween costume, while DiNozzo tries on the gloves]
Ziva David: I instantly felt all the respect leave my body as soon as I put this on.

Ziva David: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a Karuma. I'm not familiar with the model.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring sedan.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGeek with the save!

Ziva David: Our staff sergeant moved into the Quantico Bachelor Enlisted Quarters three weeks ago.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Martial problems?
Ziva David: Well, according to someone called "Scuttle Butt", he caught his wife cheating on him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Scuttlebutt's not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.
Ziva David: And then you wonder why I have a problem with your language.


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Ziva David: There's nothing good on the Internet anymore.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, gonna need to get a look at Tillman's financials. I'm gonna stay here.
[to DiNozzo and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You two - go out and talk to him.
Ziva David: So McGee is not coming to the jet pack factory?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ok, well, you get your homework done, and - and then you can go out an play with the neighbor kids.
[DiNozzo chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good boy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [DiNozzo and Ziva leave. To McGee] The price of being in charge.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was his!
Ziva David: What was?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack. It didn't belong to either of the Tillmans, it belonged to Sayers.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He built his own jet pack?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack uses fighter jet engineering. That's the missing piece. Sayers ripped off the technology from both of the Tillmans and...
Ziva David: He borrowed from the Navy, as well, to build his own version, which used the best of all three.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it crashed.
Ziva David: So, it was not very good.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That was the intention. The intention was to crash. To dispose of the body where it wouldn't be discovered.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was pretty far off the beaten path.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Any decent pilot could have flown it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How about a great pilot? Sheridan wanted the job with Tillman. Petitioned the Navy for it.
Ziva David: But Sayers took that, then picked up a second one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sheridan loses out twice, probably doesn't respond well to that.
Ziva David: Gonna pull the squadron's psych profiles.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Let's double check their paperwork, scan their files for engineering backgrounds. Need to talk to Gibbs.
[McGee looks around and notices Gibbs isn't at his desk]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where is Gibbs?
[Tony, smirking, points his desk phone]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [on speaker] Right here, Elf Lord.


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Ziva David: Tony, you know, you're getting way too old for these one night stands. Your biological clock is ticking.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Men don't have bilogical clocks. When I meet Ms. Right, I'll be ready to settle down.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Don't ever settle, DiNozzo.

Ziva David: So what exactly are you looking for in Ms. Right?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, aside from the obvious - physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be... a very independent woman. Intelligent, successful, professional.
Ziva David: Okay, just one question: what would this woman *possibly* see in you?

Ziva David: Tony got physical with Dana's producer... I think he may be obsessed with that woman.


"NCIS: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, you're gonna wanna see this. According to security sensor, Lance Corporal Lazada entered the dorm wing this morning at 6 AM.
Ziva David: That is impossible. He was dead.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Exactly. Dorm access requires a palm scan, boss.

Ziva David: No, it was my fault.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I distracted you from doing your job.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's both of your faults. Focus on fixing it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's still classified.
Krista Dalton: Technically, but it...
Ziva David: Which makes it technially: treason.


"NCIS: Dead Reflection (#8.21)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Gibbs] He's not smiling.
Ziva David: When is he?

NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: Agents Cade and Gayne are finally en route. I'd appreciate it if you could give them a warm welcome. They're top notch agents. Maybe you could pick up a few pointers.
Ziva David: What does she mean by that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was like talking to my father. He told me what not to do - only made me want to do it more.
Ziva David: Uh huh... How did you leave it with him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know... Gibbs and I have hit a rough patch.
Ziva David: [Barret enters. Ziva rises stats to leave] Well, you're going to have to make some choices... Glad I'm not you.


"NCIS: Kill Screen (#8.16)" (2011)
Ziva David: [At a gaming center] Do you do this?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. It's too geeky even for me.
Passing Player: Hey McGeeminator! Heh! You ready for a rematch?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey... uh, no. Actually, I'm - I'm here working so -sorry.

Ziva David: I would've like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working, you might get a second chance.
Ziva David: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost 3 hours before the firemen were able to open up the firedoors.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And you loved every second of it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Corporal Zack Armstrong, 25, was a decorated Marine.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He was about to be deployed to Afghanistan. Before that, he served two tours in Iraq.
Ziva David: Which earned him a Silver Star.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He single-handedly captured the Nine and Ten of Clubs in the Iraq War fugitive deck of cards.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: High-profile targets.
Ziva David: With many just now being sentenced.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think the corporal's murder was payback for their capture?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he was tied to a tree while somebody tried to drive off with his feet. He certainly pissed off somebody.


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Officer Ziva David: I would never... Okay, I maybe I would, but... I didn't.

Officer Ziva David: We have a warrant.
George Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Officer Ziva David: Oh no? I can think of two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder and really, really, really pissing him off.
[indicating Gibbs]

Officer Ziva David: [to Petri] If you're gonna talk to me, please get a breath mint. Please!


"NCIS: Cover Story (#4.20)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: [talking about their characters in McGee's novel] Was no secret he was writing about us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Officer Ziva David: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy, where they, pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Officer Ziva David: [chuckles] When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would never happen.
[both suddenly look awkward]

Officer Ziva David: McGee you look like you've seen a goat.

[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
[gasps]
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.


"NCIS: Baltimore (#8.22)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.
Ziva David: Yes, but he and his partner have not spoken in years.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, let's say you and I haven't spoken in years. And I get my throat by a serial killer.
Ziva David: I would hunt him down and make him regret the day he was born! You're not just another partner, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Neither is Tony.

Ziva David: [after interviewing a witness] That was a waste! He had nothing to add to his statement about the robbery at the bakery. And I'm not going back in there unless it is absolutely fumigated!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Twice.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can you imagine having to arrest Gibbs?
Ziva David: Heh. I would rather arrest my father. And I still might have to one day for that matter.


"NCIS: Hiatus (#3.24)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [getting frustrated] What can I do?
Officer Ziva David: [grabbing the sides of his face with her hands] Remember.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Officer Ziva David: Well try harder!
Officer Ziva David: [Gibbs glares at her] Good. That's a start.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What is?
Officer Ziva David: The old Gibbs stare! You gave it all of us! McGee, Tony, me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [yells] What are you talking about?
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva grabs Gibbs's hand, and uses it to slap the back of her head. Gibbs has a flashback of head-slapping her] Ari... Ari killed Kate.
[Gibbs has another flashback, remembering Kate's shooting]
Officer Ziva David: [starts to cry] And I... I killed Ari.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [remembers Ari's shooting] Your brother?
Officer Ziva David: [between sobs] Yes.
Officer Ziva David: You killed your brother... to save me.
[Ziva openly cries, Gibbs hugs her]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs also thinks the Giants just won the Superbowl and that Dancing with Wolves was an academy award nominee.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I loved that movie.
Officer Ziva David: Me too. Those Indians were so macho in their...

[McGee and Abby are showing a computer recreation of the bomb blast]
Officer Ziva David: What's wrong with this picture?
Abby Sciuto: Nothing! McGee and I triple-checked to make sure all the numbers...
Officer Ziva David: Not your picture. Did I make another idiomatic mistake?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. You mean something's wrong with what we know.
Officer Ziva David: Exactly!


"NCIS: Engaged (Part II) (#9.9)" (2011)
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Good news. The two girls that Flores saved were just found about 7 clicks south. Abandoned on the roadside. They're being transported here for treatment.
Ziva David: Are they all right?
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Dehydrated. Scared. Clearly tortured.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But alive.
Ziva David: We'll need to see them.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Long as you're prepared for what you'll see.
Ziva David: I grew up in this region.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Looks like you turned out okay.
Ziva David: I can hold my own.

Ziva David: Gabby? Gabby - she's -she's still alive?
Kinah: ...They're not... done yet.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Quietly to Captain Quincy] Notify the Commadant. Tell him we're a go. Flores could still be alive.

USN Corpsman: Ma'am, I can take it from here.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Don't go, David.
Ziva David: I'm not leaving you.
USN Corpsman: Ma'am, I said I need you...
Ziva David: I SAID I'M NOT LEAVING!


"NCIS: Flesh and Blood (#7.12)" (2010)
Ziva David: [to the team as the two princes are arguing] Sayif is getting chewed out for his western ways. His brother believes that his pleasure seeking lifestyle brought on the attack.
[Sayif yells something in Arabic]
Ziva David: That is too disgusting to translate.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey, how'd it go at the hotel?
Ziva David: Prince Sayif is a chuvinistic royal pain in the tush!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, he's not used to anyone saying no to him.
Ziva David: You may have to hire someone to protect him from me.

Special Agent Ziva David: How many amendments to the US Constitution.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well let's see. The Bill of Rights is the first ten, Prohibition's 18. So I'm guessing 23.
Special Agent Ziva David: 27.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nobody likes a know-it-all, David.
Special Agent Ziva David: How come I have to study all of this and you don't?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I was born here.


"NCIS: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)
Special Agent Ziva David: I'm Israeli. This isn't my first exploding ambulance.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Special Agent Ziva David: I didn't cave in! I was trying...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee next.
Timothy McGee: Yeah but, Boss, it wasn't what it...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And my loyal Saint Bernard held out till last.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probably all of thirty seconds. So - what is my team? In fact, can I call you my team?

Special Agent Ziva David: We've been barking up the wrong tree the whole investigation!
Anthony DiNozzo: "Bush."
Special Agent Ziva David: Sorry. We've been barking up the wrong... bush...?
Anthony DiNozzo: [smiles sheepishly] "Tree."


"NCIS: Dagger (#6.9)" (2008)
Officer Ziva David: Looks like Lee was telling the truth.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe.
Officer Ziva David: "Maybe?" It is a little girl being chased in the field.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe that's the plan.
Officer Ziva David: What plan?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Officer Ziva David: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean you know *everything* about them.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Officer Ziva David: I MEANT, I can understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives separate, as should you. It did not end very well when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Thanks for the memory.

Officer Ziva David: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.
Officer Ziva David: I do.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: ...You would do what I did?
Officer Ziva David: [Referring to her ear piece] That too tight?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?
Officer Ziva David: Probably not.


"NCIS: Friends & Lovers (#4.15)" (2007)
Metro Police Detective John Carson: [Gibbs and Morris have entered the elevator] Should we call the paramedics?
Officer Ziva David: No need. If they fight, it'll be to the death.

Officer Ziva David: [Whilst Ziva is teaching DiNozzo, McGee and Lee to throw knives, Lee's knife slips out of her hand and hit's a box next to Gibbs' head] I thought you said you grew up around weapons?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: I did. I never said my father let me touch them.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's almost unfair, interrogating junkies.
Officer Ziva David: It is like shooting a fish in a pond.
Metro Police Detective John Carson: I um... I think you mean a barrel.
Officer Ziva David: Why would a fish be in a barrel?
Metro Police Detective John Carson: Um... I, um... its a good point. I never really thought about it before.
Officer Ziva David: Mm-hmm.


"NCIS: Thirst (#9.6)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait. Back up the truck. Who are these sources? Mine haven't said anything.
Ziva David: Perhaps you do not have sources.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or your sources are lousy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exsqueeze me, guys. Very special agent here. I got solid gold sources coming out the yang.
Ziva David: I do not know what or where your yang is, but perhaps your sources do not trust you with internal gossip.

Ziva David: If Tony was flirting, he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva David: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources of *office* gossip.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That is completely unfair!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Lana: [about some pills] Those aren't mine.
Ziva David: Well, they came from your pocket.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let me guess. That's not our apron?


"NCIS: Shabbat Shalom (#10.11)" (2013)
Ziva David: Where is your protection? They've usually given themselves away by now.
Mossad Director Eli David: That is why they do not know I am in the country. No one knows.
Ziva David: You are the Director of Mossad Abba, that is impossible.
Mossad Director Eli David: Ziva, nothing is impossible, only difficult.
Ziva David: Which makes this officially the stupidest thing you've ever done, which is saying something. Don't you remember the last time you were here?
Mossad Director Eli David: Yes, you said sometimes life surprises you. Surprise!

Anthony DiNozzo: [regarding Ziva's dinner plans, which Tony knows is with her father] Just tell him 'Agent Meatball' says "Hi".
Ziva David: [laughs] He would not be joking with you if he did not like you, Tony, believe me.

Mossad Director Eli David: [Ziva is concerned about her father's presence in DC] Ziva, I do not walk straight lines. As your Agent Gibbs might say, this is not my first radio.
Ziva David: "Rodeo."


"NCIS: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [just arriving at his desk] This better not be another recall drill! I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon
Officer Ziva David: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They were attacked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She survived.
Officer Ziva David: Her men *weren't* as lucky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What the hell happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] We're going to find out, DiNozzo! Grab your gear!
[they don't react]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: GRAB YOUR GEAR!

Abby Sciuto: What will you do then?
Ziva David: We kill them, Abby.
Anthony DiNozzo: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula Cassidy: I prefer her way.

Paula Cassidy: [Ziva jumps as the secret door closes] I didn't think anything could make you jump.
Ziva David: It was merely a reflex.
Paula Cassidy: Ah. In America, we call that jumping.
Ziva David: In Mossad, we call it the difference between life and death.


"NCIS: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You do realize this is a trap? She's practically inviting us to mess with her.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, what kind of man would I be if I turned down such an enticing invitation.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You wouldn't be a sucker.
Ziva David: [DiNozzo picks up a marker and starts moving towards Ziva's face] ... Touch me and die!

Abby Sciuto: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane. Along with 2 bodies and all the evidence. And now it is mine. It is *all* mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva David: Or who killed them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby Sciuto: Sure, uh, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.

Ziva David: What do you know about the American Dream?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let's see: I'm a white male, age 18-49, I have a loud mouth and a gun... I AM the American Dream.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You didn't have spring cleaning in Israel?
Officer Ziva David: We do not have spring. Israel is a desert.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Fornell just called. Abby's been... requested.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Requested?
Officer Ziva David: By...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He didn't know. He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to his desk] Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva goes to her desk] I have a contact in the DOD.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony's at his desk] BOLO on the FBI transport?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. I thought, maybe I'd just try calling her first.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]

Officer Ziva David: [Slight chuckle] This is nice. Be able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It's almost as if he cannot go on for more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice. You know the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Babbling.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.


"NCIS: Lost & Found (#5.9)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [stepping into elevator] Well, looks like it's just you and me, David. Nothing like a long, relaxing road trip.
[jingles vehicle keys in front of her]
Officer Ziva David: [snatches vehicle keys out of DiNozzo's hand] I'm driving.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm dead.

[preparing to search a national park, Tony and Ziva start fighting over the map]
Officer Ziva David: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I got an "A" in geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent, I'm pulling rank.
Officer Ziva David: I'm also a trained assassin.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [arriving at Black Ridge Park] This is gonna suck.
Officer Ziva David: Stop complaining!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Officer Ziva David: I drove, Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I tried. But the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.
Officer Ziva David: We made good time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Going ninety-five miles an hour on a dirt road. I couldn't even see.
Officer Ziva David: Then it's a good thing I was driving.


"NCIS: Capitol Offense (#6.3)" (2008)
[Tony learns Abby let Ziva stay at her apartment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You two spent the night together? What's going on here, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't know, don't care. None of my business, DiNosey.
Ziva David: [pulling Tony aside] You are such a control geek.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Freak.
Ziva David: Yes. That, too. Why do you always need to know everything that everybody does, Tony?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] What he needs to know is that a lieutenant commander's body was found in Rock Creek Park.

Ziva David: You just love snooping around into other people's lives, don't you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. That's why I became a cop.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Talking about Gibbs' hunch] It was on the nose.
Ziva David: Whose nose?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was on the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You're reverting. You were doing better before you went to Israel.


"NCIS: Spider and the Fly (#8.1)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, just because I was alone. Manning the fort. Handling Gibbs solo. While you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rythm of the night.
[Chuckling]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why would I feel the need to say anything negative? I mean...
Ziva David: Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are those tan lines?
Ziva David: Where do you think you're looking?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does it even matter?
Ziva David: Well, actually yes, it does. And I can assure you, I do not *have* any tan lines.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. Other things. Like breakfast without beer.
Ziva David: I thought that was the Irish.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Canadians too.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, beer doesn't go well with eggs or oatmeal. Why are you so tan?
Ziva David: Why are you so white?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've always been like this.
Ziva David: Becomes you.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're lying.
Ziva David: Through my teeth.


"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Want to talk knives?
Officer Ziva David: Always.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What *exactly* did she tell you?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: That Dr. Mallard violated Article 4 of the Geneva Convention.
Officer Ziva David: War crimes?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right... Now!... NOW!...
[Looks around for Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: Somebody's clock is off.


"NCIS: Ships in the Night (#8.11)" (2011)
Ziva David: What are you doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tallying my overtime.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Oh, you've got a more coming, Skippy. Grab your gear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got another all nighter?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can sleep when you're dead.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva appears to be sleeping. DiNozzo throws his pen at her, she catches it] That's crazy! Did you catch that in your sleep? Do you use SONAR?
Ziva David: That's why it is called a "bat nap."
[Ziva throws the pen back at DiNozzo]

Devin Lodge: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I thought you just said I had an alibi. Why are you arresting me?
Ziva David: For having sex with a minor.
Devin Lodge: Ooo. She told me she was 18?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's what Fatty Arbuckle said.


"NCIS: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: You're comparing me to your mother?
Joe Kelly: Just around the eyes. Maybe the mouth.
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] PERMISSION TO SHOOT!

Abby Sciuto: Oh, this cab is bringing back memories. Cheap vinyl, plastic divider, dirty floors. Actually, these floors are pretty clean. The ones I remember were dirty.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Let me guess. Short-lived career as a cabby?
Abby Sciuto: A short-lived encounter. A ship in the night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ooh.
Abby Sciuto: My first time.
Officer Ziva David: For what?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Front seat or back?
Abby Sciuto: Back. Well, both, kind of.
Officer Ziva David: Oh! My first time was in a weapons carrier.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: Of course it was.
Officer Ziva David: Where was the cabby when this encounter took place?
Abby Sciuto: He was a cabby. Putting himself through school. It was his first time too.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: First time for what?
Abby Sciuto: Seeing a curling match, Gibbs. Haver you ever seen a curling match? The pristine ice and those little brooms that sweep.


"NCIS: Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [watching Colonel Mann interviewing Stephanie] Who do you think is prettier: Ex-wife #3 or future ex-wife #4?
Officer Ziva David: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of the uniform... Tell me you're *not* trying to imagine her *without* the uniform, Tony!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Crash and Burn, only a matter of time.
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not a what, a whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army Navy joint operation.
Officer Ziva David: It could last a lifetime.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Behind the torture, techniques and the contract killings Ziva, you're really just a...
Officer Ziva David: A whom?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah whom, not a whom it's more like a what.
Officer Ziva David: What then!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What then, Ah what nothing
[leaving the elevator]
Officer Ziva David: I still just a what?
D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: ...a girl!


"NCIS: Worst Nightmare (#8.2)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's going on here? We being replaced with younger models?
Ziva David: I *am* a younger model.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If that was intended to hurt me, you've succeeded.

Ziva David: Agent Gibbs is not, uh, shall we say not fond of outsiders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's not going to like you. And frankly, you're not going to like him either.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony...
Sarah Knox: Why not?
[Gibbs enters in the far background]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, I'm not going to answer that question
[Gibbs starts approaching the group]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: because if I do, he's going to walk up behind me and make me regret it. He slithers through the grass like a snake. He's not friendly. He's oily -
[Gibbs slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Done, DiNozzo?


"NCIS: Suspicion (#4.12)" (2007)
Masoud Tariq: You're a Jew.
Officer Ziva David: Yes.
Masoud Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Officer Ziva David: I'm working with NCIS.
Masoud Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Officer Ziva David: [sadly] At least in our lifetime.

[Deputy Barrett walks into Tariq's hospital room]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: Oh, cozy.
Officer Ziva David: Can I help you?
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [looks at Tariq's gunshot wound] You know, a couple more inches to your right, and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins.
[chuckles]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back]
Deputy Tyler Barrett: Ow!
Officer Ziva David: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [quietly] Sorry.
Officer Ziva David: I don't think he heard you.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: I'm sorry!
Masoud Tariq: Apology accepted.


"NCIS: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! She followed me in there!
Officer Ziva David: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm fine, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: All right, but I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [angrily, to Tony] You put superglue on my keyboard.


"NCIS: Out of the Frying Pan (#8.18)" (2011)
Ziva David: This is from a metro investigation from 2 weeks ago. Does anyone else find this odd?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Yeah, me.
[Gibbs sits at his desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gear up, boss?
Ziva David: Nope.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Let's go." "Dead Marine." "Grab your gear?"
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [watching the video of Vance's interrogation of Nick] Sure looked like a confession.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure sounded like a confession.
Ziva David: It was clearly a confession.


"NCIS: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me. It had to be you.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're welcome. So, you glad to see me?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: You should not have come.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right then. Good catching up. I'll be going now.
[Starts to rise, then sits back down]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah, I forgot, taken prisoner.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Are you all right, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just glad you're alive.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Why are you here?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Couldn't live without you I guess.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.


"NCIS: Engaged (Part I) (#9.8)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tomorrow. Go home. Get some sleep.
Ziva David: What about you? You gonna stay here work all night? 'Cause if you stay, we stay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let's not get carried away, Ziva. You heard the man.
[Ziva slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Special Agent David, you did *not* just do that.
Ziva David: I did. And I would do it again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you will not.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stand down, DiNozzo. I appreciate the offer.

Ziva David: Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.


"NCIS: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [reading from McGee's book] "Lisa's eyes reminded him of emeralds..."
Officer Ziva David: [touched] Oh...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "... flawed only by the icicles in her heart."
Officer Ziva David: [grabs the book] He's dead!
[reading]
Officer Ziva David: "In the field, Agent Tommy is a dogged pursuer of dirtbags!"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
Officer Ziva David: [slight chuckle] ... and any skirt over the age of 18."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Sarah McGee] Your brother's dead!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you know what a clog is?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... a shoe or a blocked drain?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On the Internet.
Officer Ziva David: I thought that was a "blog." But my English is often wrong.


"NCIS: Knockout (#6.18)" (2009)
NCIS Director Leon Vance: What do you say, David? Want to go a few rounds?
Officer Ziva David: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Only if you managed to lay a glove on me.
Issac Curtis: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Officer Ziva David: Another time.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Just say when.

Officer Ziva David: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're never making me breakfast.
Officer Ziva David: That is the truth.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's supposed to be 'eggs'.
Officer Ziva David: Cook them yourself.


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Ziva David: This looks like David Jones' locker.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *Davy* Jones. He used to sing with the Monkees.
Ziva David: ...Real monkeys?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I envy your brain sometimes.

Ziva David: I *do* have friends.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? Then what are you doing with me watching a movie on a Friday night at work?
Ziva David: You are my friend.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Ziva David: ...No... My date cancelled.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mine too.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seemed very un-Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Abby's un-happy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Abby's un-Abby.

Abby Sciuto: [holding a wrinkled dollar bill in one hand and a candy bar in the other] Give me a dollar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, what's wrong with that one?
Abby Sciuto: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby Sciuto: It has nougat in it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby Sciuto: [exasperated] I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking out his wallet and looking in it] All I have are big bills.
Officer Ziva David: What is nougat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's whipped dolphin fat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, it's the filling in Clowny Cake.
Abby Sciuto: That is a myth!
[agitated]
Abby Sciuto: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A DOLLAR?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause, DiNozzo, McGee, and David exchange awkward glances] Sure, I got one.
Abby Sciuto: [taking the bill from Tony] Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat!
Officer Ziva David: I don't even know what nougat is!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear!


"NCIS: The Voyeur's Web (#3.6)" (2005)
DiNozzo: [about to enter and arrest a suspected murderer] Just stay behind me and follow my lead.
Special Agent Ziva David: I'm not a probie, Tony. I have been in a few of these situations.
DiNozzo: Not with me.
Special Agent Ziva David: So? I have not had sex with you either. Would that make me a virgin?

[Ziva and Tony are eating Chinese takeout at his desk]
DiNozzo: Chow's gettin' cold, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No time. I've got to find out where all this "Naughty Naughty Neighbors" website money went, because if I don't, Gibbs might actually decide to kill me this time.
DiNozzo: He has an excellent point.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This doesn't make sense. They made almost half a million dollars, that kind of money can't just disappear.
Special Agent Ziva David: [brings a takeout carton to his desk] Money changes hands, McGee. Rarely does it disappear.


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So we got a struggle and a dead guy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Struggle over what?
Officer Ziva David: Over the edge.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Officer Ziva David: And with whom he was doing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Doing what?
Officer Ziva David: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done? What?
Officer Ziva David: Done!
[Ziva leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not *this* queen.


"NCIS: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
Tony DiNozzo: My head is spinning
[spins his chair]
Tony DiNozzo: with questions, so many questions, Gibbs came from somewhere, he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy
Ziva David: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's funny. I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
Ziva David: [chuckles] No he burst forth fully grown from the mind of Zeus.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nice.
Tony DiNozzo: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here. You want to be clever? I can be clever.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a lot of data to sift through, but I *can* tell who's seen it.
Jackson Gibbs: You can do that? You can tell everything I've been looking at?
Ziva David: What have you been looking at?
Jackson Gibbs: None of your business.


"NCIS: Masquerade (#7.14)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: First a plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was there too, near the car, you know.
Ziva David: We *all* were.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Ziva David: This country holds itself to a higher standard. It is a nation of laws which are to be followed not only when it is convenient or easy. I have seen firsthand what happens when convenience wins out.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You never talk about it.
Ziva David: What is there to talk about?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Long pause] Come on, Ziva.
Ziva David: What Saleem did was bad enough. Becoming like him would be worse.


"NCIS: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What could they want?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your uncle really *died*? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did not change when your books made you plush.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Flush. Thanks Ziva. But it really wasn't that much. Bought my car, bought some clothes. What was leftover I put in a hedge fund which just crashed.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Sorry. So that is why you have been so distracted lately.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It shows, huh?


"NCIS: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.

Officer Ziva David: I'm Ziva David, I've seen you around.
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess a hug's out of the question.


"NCIS: Enemy on the Hill (#9.4)" (2011)
Navy Lieutenant Commander Geoffrey Brett: Well, you said the guy's been caught. So there's nothing to worry about.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whoever hired him to kill you wants you dead. He'll find someone else to do the job.
Ziva David: We would like to put you in protective custody until we know more.

Ziva David: What are agents supposed to look like?
Navy Lieutenant Commander Geoffrey Brett: Stern, surly, humorless - Agent Gibbs.


"NCIS: Swan Song (#8.23)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We did pull a slug embedded in a parked car. Traces of blood. Through-and-through. We can assume Cobb got hit at least once.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Mike's swan song.
Ziva David: ...Excuse me.
[Ziva leaves]

Ziva David: There's another monster.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yep.
Ziva David: I mean, we pursue them. But we just - keep making targets of ourselves.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.
Ziva David: I don't think I can take any more.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, we're gonna get him, okay?
[Ziva leans on DiNozzo. They hug. The elevator door opens. Revealing McGee and Abby hugging]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bring it in.
[Group hug]


"NCIS: A Man Walks Into a Bar... (#8.14)" (2011)
Ziva David: Dedication is important to me.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Hasn't that been something that, uh, you've been juggling your whole life?
Ziva David: I-I-I do not know what you mean.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Juggling dedication to uh, family, to country, to job.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: The-the thing that puzzles me, with all this change, alligence to country, of the types of me you're drawn to: what is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want?
Ziva David: [Long pause] I want... something... permanent. Something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?


"NCIS: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
[after the team raids a chop-shop, Ziva opens the trunk on a stolen car, finding a decapitated head in a beer cooler]
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs! The car's not the only thing they've been chopping here.

Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.


"NCIS: Tell-All (#8.19)" (2011)
Ziva David: [Watching DiNozzo examine an envelope] McGee, tampering with someone else's mail is a Federal offense, is it not?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I believe it is, Ziva.
Ziva David: And we are Federal Agents.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So it would seem it's our duty to arrest him.

Ziva David: All right. So be honest. Surely you would want Gibbs there at your wedding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.


"NCIS: Jack Knife (#7.15)" (2010)
Damon Werth: I keep getting stuck in my own history.
Ziva David: Look, the last time we saw each other, you were in control. You helped us. Even after everything you have gone through, you-can-move-forward. You can find the right path, Damon.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Last lines, after Damon leaves] So, was that, like, "see you later" like "goodbye," or "see you later" like "hey, I'm going to see you at a later date?"
Ziva David: [chuckles] Are you, uh, having trouble understanding simple English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just answer the question.


"NCIS: Agent Afloat (#6.2)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of "DiNozzo-itis", had Vance send you down south?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: "DiNozzo-itis". Sounds venereal.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This is where you have been for the last month?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. It's just like the squad room, only I'm the squad and there's no room.


"NCIS: Legend (#6.22)" (2009)
Officer Ziva David: OSP?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Office of Special Projects. NCIS undercover. Surveillance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Supercool toys.
Officer Ziva David: After our last trip to L.A., I do not understand why you would think I would be such an eager platypus, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Beaver. Eager beaver. Not platypus. Why does that bother me so much? Don't answer that.
[Ziva's phone rings]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Answer that.

Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: Your father sends his love.
Officer Ziva David: What else does my father send?
Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: [Puts his hand on Ziva's hand] Me.


"NCIS: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for 47 hours.
Ziva David: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
Timothy McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva David: Oh I can convince far *more* than that.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Ziva David: Not long.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs starts to walk out. Stops] McGee you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
[McGee and Gibbs leave the room, and close the door]
Timothy McGee: [outside] Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there?
[Gibbs stares at him]
Timothy McGee: I don't want to know.
[Gibbs shakes his head]
Timothy McGee: Okay.

Ziva David: [Talking about Zach] There's also someone from Social Security here to pick him up.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "Services," Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva David: Noted.


"NCIS: Shiva (#10.12)" (2013)
Ziva David: You did not have to come.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you always forget your gum and magazines when you fly, so... they'll find Bodnar, Ziva. Mossad's looking, CIA, Navy Intel, Interpol... us. Schmeil's got your back. Schmeil, the Man of Steel. Don't do this.
Ziva David: I'm going to a funeral, Tony. I'm delivering my father's eulogy.
Anthony DiNozzo: How's this for ah, an opening line? "He did it his way."
Ziva David: My father was, um, not an easy man to understand, and yet...
Anthony DiNozzo: Complicated runs in the family.
Ziva David: Tony, I...
Anthony DiNozzo: What?
[Ziva hugs Tony]
Anthony DiNozzo: Aht lo leh-vadh
Ziva David: [smiles] I know.


"NCIS: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
[Harvey the security guard grabs something out of his holster]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a taser, Harvey.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot, non-fatal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are five of us.
[Harvey promptly tasers McGee]


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva David: Physically or mentally?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about 2 pairs of Mud Wrestling tickets] What is this a gag gift? You guys - plan this together?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] DiNozzo, I got a gift fo you.
[Gibbs gives DiNozzo a folder]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Dead body?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Grab our gear?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, boss. A gift I can use. Only thing I need to do right now is keep working. See? This is what I need - work. Keep busy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Good.
[McGee and Ziva go to Tony's desk and hold out their hands expectantly]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think we can still get refunds.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never said I didn't want them.


"NCIS: Bury Your Dead (#5.1)" (2007)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you ever lied to someone you love?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: [after a brief pause] Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did they ever forgive you?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: They never found out.


"NCIS: Playing with Fire (#9.22)" (2012)
Ziva David: [Talking about Mrs. Johnson] She is one angry screw!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Ziva David: You know, a woman with a bad temper.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Shrew," Ziva.


"NCIS: Iceman (#4.18)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Look who's finally here.
Officer Ziva David: Like you've never been late, left early or gone mysteriously missing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's my point exacly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.


"NCIS: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Think she's alive?
Officer Ziva David: After what they did to Haas, maybe it would be best if she was not.


"NCIS: Need to Know (#9.17)" (2012)
Ziva David: She is a successful British model. Dates princes, movie stars, millionaires. What could you possibly offer her.
Anthony DiNozzo: The DiNozzo charm.
Ziva David: That charm ended with the last generation.


"NCIS: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Officer Ziva David: [interrupting] Run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And find out...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [inturrupting] If any of them were BZ gas. On it, boss.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Well, they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.


"NCIS: Sins of the Father (#9.10)" (2011)
Ziva David: He cancelled?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not exactly. He never called to tell me... where to meet.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you call him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Several times. This is typical... of my old man. It's his... M.O. if you will. My High School graduation for instance, I guess, technically he would claim he was there. But where was he *really*? In the Infirmary with the nurse, with what he claimed was "jet lag." Anyway it's not a big deal. It's just dinner. So what?


"NCIS: Double Identity (#7.17)" (2010)
Ziva David: [Exiting interrogation] Thank you for coming in.
Pete Iger: No problem. Gave up on the stakeout. Client wouldn't pay for any more time. Hope I helped. Didn't tell you anything new.
[Passes Major Holcomb in the hallway]
Pete Iger: You guys are really devious.


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Ziva David: You did not tell us that Wendy sent you a Christmas card.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wendy who?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your Wendy. Baltimore Wendy.
Ziva David: Your former fiancee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah, that. What are you doing reading my Christmas cards?
Ziva David: It was pinned on the wall behind your desk.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People usually do that so that others can enjoy them.


"NCIS: Legend (#6.23)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are we fighting?
Officer Ziva David: If we were, you would be on the floor. Bleeding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome. So you're just annoyed with me?


"NCIS: Shell Shock: Part I (#10.6)" (2012)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [referring to his mother] This is the last movie we ever saw together. Right before she... "The Little Prince".
Ziva David: Hmm. "That which is essential is invisible to the eye".
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva David, did you just quote a movie?
Ziva David: No. I quoted a book... that was made into a movie.


"NCIS: Squall (#10.19)" (2013)
Ziva David: [after shutting off the news on the plasma] Where's McGee?
Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he blew away coming to work this morning.
Ziva David: Or maybe he met someone last night.
Anthony DiNozzo: That's doubtful. That might be the reason *I* would be late.
Ziva David: These days, my friend, I'm not so sure.
Anthony DiNozzo: You've noticed.
Ziva David: Yes, I am quite aware you hit um 'dry spell' recently.
Anthony DiNozzo: Like Lawrence of Arabia.
Ziva David: [chuckles]
Anthony DiNozzo: You know, maybe it's not a woman. Maybe it's a flat tire. Maybe he stopped for donuts. Perhaps he slipped in the shower and he can't get up.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Bought one of those for my dad. Let's go! USS Borealis scheduled arrival in one hour. Have a murdered officer on board. Where's McGee?
Anthony DiNozzo: Overslept.
Ziva David: Doctor visit.
[Ziva and Tony look at each other]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah ha.
[Ziva smacks Tony's arm]


"NCIS: Phoenix (#10.3)" (2012)
[Ducky reviews the investigation's findings in his un-Gibbs-like measured pace]
Donald Mallard: All of which begs the question...
Timothy McGee: What was Roberts planning on doing with the fake moon-dirt?
Ziva David: Why did Hill kill him twelve years ago?
Anthony DiNozzo: And who killed Hill two days ago?
Donald Mallard: Okay, three questions.
[turns to Gibbs]
Donald Mallard: So, where to start?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's four questions.


"NCIS: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Special Agent Ziva David: You're getting a pony?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's an adage.
Special Agent Ziva David: I am not familiar with that breed.


"NCIS: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: You can beat a polygraph.
Abby Sciuto: No you can't!
Officer Ziva David: I've done it, Abby. It's part of Mossad training. All you have to do is...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Oi. Hello! If it's unethical I can't hear it.
Officer Ziva David: WELL DON'T LISTEN!
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: [puts fingers in ears] la la la la la go ahead la la la la


"NCIS: In the Dark (#4.22)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Before you give me advice on dating, there's something I need to get out my system first, okay?
[slight pause, then starts laughing]
Officer Ziva David: Stop laughing, or I *will* have to hurt you!


"NCIS: Devil's Triangle (#9.7)" (2011)
Ziva David: You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely noticeable.
[Gibbs enters from the far background]
Ziva David: I mean it's not like you're going grey.
[Gibbs stand behind Ziva. Ziva turns around realizes Gibbs heard her]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm so glad that wasn't me.
Ziva David: Grey can be... really sexy.


"NCIS: Escaped (#4.2)" (2006)
Ziva David: It's really not that bad, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know, for a spy, you're a horrible liar.