Abby Sciuto
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Quotes for
Abby Sciuto (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: [after the van door opens, the would-be-kidnapper falls to ground] Be with you in a minute, Gibbs! And don't look up my skirt!
[presses her taser, the kidnapper gets shocked]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't want you to be alone tonight, Abs. You're going with McGee!
Abby Sciuto: Great! Like I haven't been traumatized enough today.

Abby Sciuto: What self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Obviously, one who doesn't care about repeat business.

Abby Sciuto: I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I mention the restraining order?
Abby Sciuto: Ok it was lot out of hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Abby Sciuto: The Lunar Effect is a myth. There is no statistical correlation between phases of the moon and human behavior. That's why it would never work between us.
Officer Ziva David: Because the Lunar Effect is a myth?
Abby Sciuto: No, because I'm a scientist and he plays with voodoo dolls.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you play with voodoo dolls, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I mean it metaphorically McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto: [showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The knuckles are Director Shepherd's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did it?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, can you say it again.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
[puts his arm around her]
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm. I'll move your whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.

Mikel Mawher: I know we got off on the wrong foot.
Abby Sciuto: The wrong foot? The only right foot, is my foot up your ass!

Abby Sciuto: [in Gibbs' basement] Nothing like a dungeon like basement to quiet the nerves.

Abby Sciuto: [drunk] I don't know why people drink alcohol when they're depressed, because alcohol is a depressant. Now I'm still 'pressed... and I'm nauseous.

Abby Sciuto: This is not my toothbrush.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby Sciuto: It's a ladybug tooth brush, McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J Lo Glow, not for a quasi-manly Federal agent who carries a gun.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.

Abby Sciuto: I can see why you like workin' on the boat there Gibbs. It's very cathartic.
[accidentally knocks a chunk out of the boat]
Abby Sciuto: Oops.
[hands the tools sheepishly over to Gibbs]

Officer Ziva David: In my professional opinion, the risk of serious injury is substantial.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I agree, but there are protocols that have to be followed.
Officer Ziva David: Which are useless if it doesn't impart a tactical advantage.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't underestimate appearances, Ziva. I've known entire missions to fail because an asset didn't button her lapel properly.
Officer Ziva David: I see your point.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: So we are in agreement?
[Ziva nods]
Officer Ziva David, NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [both turn to Abby] Heels!
Abby Sciuto: I hate court!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Your sacrifice is noted and appreciated. Let's talk outfits!


"NCIS: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)
[Abby's playing loud music and has locked herself in her office]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, open the door!
Abby Sciuto: I can't hear you, McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: If you can't hear me, why'd you answer?

Abby Sciuto: You've been looking for a dog, Timmy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that dog tasted my blood, and I think he *liked* it!

Abby Sciuto: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent! He killed someone!
Abby Sciuto: Dogs don't kill people, McGee! *People* kill people!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People with dogs that kill people, kill people!

Abby Sciuto: Good dog...
[turns to McGee]
Abby Sciuto: *bad* McGee!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby Sciuto: Um, maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I'm a forensic scientist and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

Abby Sciuto: [to a dog] Who's a good Jethro?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] I'm a good Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: Don't be mad. Be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Marine Guard: [Abby pulls up to the gate with a dog beside her] Can I help you?
Abby Sciuto: I'm looking for fleas.
Marine Guard: Fleas?

Abby Sciuto: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, do not make a scene.
Abby Sciuto: Too late, McGee! I am in *full* scene mode!

Abby Sciuto: All right, I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was of the essence. And besides, Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.

Abby Sciuto: Who would shoot this cute little dog?
[she starts petting the dog, while McGee gropes for a response]
Abby Sciuto: Look at you...
[realizing, she straightens up, spins around and skewers McGee with a glare]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It-it was self-defense. It was self-defense!
Abby Sciuto: You *shot* that cute little dog?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's not cute and little! He's-he's vicious, and large!


"NCIS: The Truth Is Out There (#1.17)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: So, what about you, Gibbs? You got any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I don't have time for fetishes.

Abby Sciuto: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain... circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby Sciuto: Okay... maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -...
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby Sciuto: There's a fetish for that, too.

Abby Sciuto: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Abby Sciuto: I dunno. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped.
[pause]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby Sciuto: Does Tony know that YOU know?

Abby Sciuto: It's gray latex.
Gibbs: Rubber?
Abby Sciuto: One and the same.
Gibbs: Probably couldn't be used as a hat.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, well, not if you grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby Sciuto: This program rocks. It includes vall, fall, yacht, tip over, rollover, combined speed, linear momentum...
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, c'mon, Gibbs. You know you love it when I talk tech.

[Ducky always goes off on a tangent]
Abby Sciuto: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock...
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.

Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby Sciuto: Charcoal.


"NCIS: Borderland (#7.22)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: I remember the last time the director wanted to see me. Do you know about the last time the director wanted to see me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, no sense in mentioning it then again.

Abby Sciuto: A mini pow? Ugh. This is another bad omen. Gibbs, this does not bode well for my future.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby, I wouldn't worry about it.
Abby Sciuto: Why's that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Because I got your back. Always have.
[Gibbs kisses her on the cheek]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Always will.

Natalia: Anyone could tell I have a cat.
Abby Sciuto: One orange tabby, and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night. You're vitamin D difficient. Oh, and you're ovulating.

Paloma Reynosa.: You are correct. He was killed by a sniper hiding on a ridge almost a thousand meters from here.
Abby Sciuto: How do you know that?
Paloma Reynosa.: Because the killer left behind a message on that ridge.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What message?
[Paloma tosses a bullet to Abby]

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Want to flip for the couch?
Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. It's not like we haven't shared a bed together before.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, technically, that was a coffin. And I'm just letting you know, if you and I sleep in this bed together. I am a Quasimodo for a week.

Abby Sciuto: I'm going to sleep on my lab table.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh come on, I said I was sorry.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, and you don't know how much.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What is that supposed to mean?
Abby Sciuto: You forgot to use bottled water on your toothbrush. This is *not* a room I want to sleep in tonight.

Abby Sciuto: The only thing I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule 40?
Abby Sciuto: "If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are."

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby Sciuto: Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I made a mistake with the ballistics.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby Sciuto: Then... tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby Sciuto: No. What I really need to know Gibbs, is if you're gonna love me... no matter what.


"NCIS: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I could not imagine a worse way to go.
Abby Sciuto: I could.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She planted herself on a barbed wire fence. What could possibly be worse?
Abby Sciuto: My top three are: falling in a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Abs, got some good news for you. i just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
Abby Sciuto: No, Gibbs! No. I can't go through that again. That-
[realizes Gibbs is joking]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was to me, kind of.

Abby Sciuto: It's kinda fun. It reminds me of Bill Nye.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Wacky scientist with a kid's show?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, it's like Mr. Wizard.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never mind.

Abby Sciuto: [holding a vase of black roses] They're for you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're really black. Really, really black.
Abby Sciuto: It's pretty cool, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
[reads the card]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Get well soon?
Abby Sciuto: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
Abby Sciuto: Just say that you don't hate me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You gave him black roses?
Abby Sciuto: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to fun me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues.

Abby Sciuto: [handing him black roses] Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought they already were dead.

Abby Sciuto: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling. And two, this was her last meal. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I got Palmer's text about the vampire bite. I can't believe I'm not going to be there for that. Who are you getting to fill in?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Working on it.
Abby Sciuto: Well, if you need anything before then, I keep a step-by-step Abby's Lab for Dummies in my desk. It covers the basics. A monkey could follow the instructions.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Watching DiNozzo using his backscratcher] Good. Cause we got one of those.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Aw knucklehead. You're lucky Abby's not here, Hopkins.
Abby Sciuto: [From behind on a video link] Why is McGee lucky I'm not there? And who is Hopkins?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Nodding to McGee] He'll clean it up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll clean it up.
Jimmy Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby Sciuto: You'll *all* clean it up!

Abby Sciuto: [Entering] Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Rising] Abby. Abs, are you okay?
Abby Sciuto: Do I look okay? What is Abby's rule #1? Do not lie to Abby!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...He built it to sell it.
Abby Sciuto: Perfect. Hi I'm Abby Sciuto. International Bioweapons dealer.

Abby Sciuto: Aren't you going to give me a pep talk?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Abby Sciuto: Why?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because you're pissed. And you should be.

Abby Sciuto: So you lied!
Mr. Jones: And I didn't lose a bit of sleep. Is that a problem?
Abby Sciuto: No. Not at all. Lie to me again. It was awesome.
[Starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Nice knowing you.


"NCIS: Minimum Security (#1.8)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby Sciuto: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby Sciuto: Around fifteen hundred.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby Sciuto: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't see Chanel No. 5.
Abby Sciuto: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My mother does.
Abby Sciuto: Really.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby Sciuto: So... does your mother...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [re: images Abby's viewing] This isn't yours, I hope.
Abby Sciuto: No. It's off Sa'id's harddrive. SOMETHING's wrong! The files are too big.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [slight chuckle] Not just the files.

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [speaking of Easter Eggs] They were hidden in the porn?
Abby Sciuto: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Try and brand the cologne.
Abby Sciuto: Why, you want some?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. That's probably why I don't... date many women.


"NCIS: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: I like everything about Christmas. Except the Chipmunk Song. And shopping, I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone, especially Gibbs. What do you get a guy who has nothing and wants nothing?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some squeaky shoes.
Abby Sciuto: [spins around] Hi, Gibbs!

Abby Sciuto: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, you're not helping.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You asked for it. Better work fast. You only have a day.
[leaves]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Merry Christmas.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby enters] Hey guys, what's up?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I hope no one has plans.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [speaking of Quinn's daughter] How'd she know we found him?
Abby Sciuto: Well, she might've figured it out when I called her, and told her.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You might've redeemed yourself, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: What'd I do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Called Quinn's daughter.


"NCIS: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: [Looking at some maggots recovered from a dead body] Aren't they just the cutest things?

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Speaking of snipers, has anyone seen Gibbs?
[Abby enters with a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found, Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A, there are thousands of guns on a Navy Base...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And B, you're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, what if I told you the base MPs gave me the gun to test?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call-out.
Abby Sciuto: And the gun was found under a kid's bed, and it was loaded.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Still does not warrant a call-out.
Abby Sciuto: [takes a sip of Gibbs's coffee, and grimaces] Ugh! And it was recently fired.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee, Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It's not a call-out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team gears up]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip...
[hands him the coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink the swill.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Somehow the gun got out of evidence, and into the hands of a 12-year old.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who held the evidence?
Abby Sciuto: ...We did. It was an NCIS case.

Abby Sciuto: [Imitating Gibbs] Ziva, pull case files from Norfolk PD. Find out who bought that gun.
[Ziva snickers]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You heard her.
[Ziva looks at Gibbs, then at Abby and goes to her desk]
Abby Sciuto: I could get used to this.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as he passes her] Don't.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Something on fire?
Abby Sciuto: No. I'm just burning sage to take the hex off the gun. It's got some bad mojo. And I want to get rid of it before the babies are born.
[Abby sighs]
Abby Sciuto: It's an evil gun, Gibbs. This gun... kills people.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs...
Abby Sciuto: I know what you're going to say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But this gun kills people!


"NCIS: Cracked (#8.6)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: I can see a kindred spirit in you. I mean, not that I can see your spirit, cause that would be weird. I guess not too weird becasue you're in here and you're... you know, you're -
[Abby clears her throat]
Abby Sciuto: Um anyway, so what I'm trying to say is-is we communicate in the same way. I could tell the first time I saw all this. Everyone else saw chaos and I-I saw patterns right away. There were patterns in the chaos... So I... just wanted you to know that whatever it is... that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.

Professor Daniel Redner: Science is poetry Ms Sciuto. It's about making order...
Abby Sciuto: From chaos. Yeah, that's what I do everyday.
Professor Daniel Redner: Then this book is in good hands.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: STOP!
Abby Sciuto: ...You just raised your voice to me. You never raise your voice to me.
[Gibbs shows Abby a video of Clea]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's her delusion, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: I was wrong... about you. You don't understand. None of you understand!

Abby Sciuto: She had a mission. *Nothing* was going to stop her.
Lorrain Thorson: From what I hear, you feel the same way.
Abby Sciuto: Well, I promised your daughter I'd finish what she started.
Lorrain Thorson: At what cost, Ms. Sciuto?... Clea was a scientist above all else. Her work fed her. Gave her the love I never could. But it also drove her to the brink.

Lorrain Thorson: You connected to my daughter because of science?
Abby Sciuto: Yes.
Lorrain Thorson: And you want to help her?
Abby Sciuto: That's all I want to do.
Lorrain Thorson: Then do what she would have done. Put emotion aside... Please let her go.


"NCIS: Enemy on the Hill (#9.4)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: That's why she was amazed she found a brother and sister willing to donate.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Your brother also volunteered?
Abby Sciuto: No! I spoke to Luca. He doesn't know anything about it.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm confused. Why does the transplant co-ordinator think you and this man are - siblings?
Abby Sciuto: As part of the screening process, we had to give a miochondrial DNA sample. Ours was a dead on match, Ducky - more than 99.9%. I mean we have to be full on brother and sister, right? I pressed the co-ordinator for details on the guy, like his name and address, but she clammed up. Saying she said too much already.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's a lot of responsibility. What are you going to do with it?
Abby Sciuto: I want to meet him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay... You sure you want to open that door?
Abby Sciuto: ...Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. You want me to go with you?
Abby Sciuto: [Long pause] I think... I think this is something I have to do on my own.

Abby Sciuto: Are you drinking tea?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, don't tell, Ducky. He'll give me a lecture on brewing.

Abby Sciuto: This whole brother/sister thing it didn't make any sense to me. I mean, Kyle and me, our DNA is a total match. So we have to have the same biological parents. So then I was like - what? Did they give him up for adoption. I can't imagine the wonderful loving parents that raised me and Luca *ever* giving up a child. But they would have adopted a child - and they did - me... I'm adopted, Gibbs.

Abby Sciuto: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who my parents were. I'm just like - Little Orphan Abby.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs, you're still the same person. Your parents are still your parents as you remember them. Family's more than just - DNA. It's about... people who care and take care of each other.
Abby Sciuto: I know. But why didn't they tell me I was adopted? I mean, there's gotta be a reason, I need to find out before I completely turn Luca and Kyle's lives upside down.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't have to do this alone, Abby. You've got a family and we'll help you through it.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got something?
Abby Sciuto: I had something four minutes ago!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why didn't you call?
Abby Sciuto: That's not how it works. When I find something, Gibbs immediately walks through the door. Have you forgotten all your training?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I remembered your Caf-Pow.
Abby Sciuto: Horse shoes and hand grenades, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go.
[hands her a Caf Pow]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby! I'm not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the 6th frame and Mr. Giggles escaping...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mr. Giggles?
Abby Sciuto: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Ok. Tell me. I can take it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's just upstairs.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! No I can't.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Rule 38.
Abby Sciuto: [happily] Oh!

Abby Sciuto: I am cooking up some awesomeness.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Awesome me!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's our missing murder weapon.
Abby Sciuto: It's our messy murder weapon. Which is weird because most killers rinse before they repeat.

[walking in on Gibbs and Tony standing nose to nose]
Abby Sciuto: I hope I'm not interrupting something. Or if I am, someone will tell me about it later.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work there.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks the back of McGee's head] She's not done yet.
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell me I didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.
Abby Sciuto: You didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby punches his arm] What was that for?
Abby Sciuto: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I wasn't mocking your -
[Abby makes a fist]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It won't happen again.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [about the murder weapon] Bullets?
Abby Sciuto: Um, cross-point .40-caliber Smith & Wesson, also called a "Short and Wimpy," although I do not know why.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They lack the power of a 10mm Auto load.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I guess you don't need a lot of stopping power when you're gunning down housewives.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What about gunshot residue?
Abby Sciuto: The instant shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt, and pants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could've worn gloves...
Abby Sciuto: Or he could've changed his clothes. I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That's why I'm doing a full analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: How long, Abby?
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Well it's gonna take some time. And since this stuff doesn't smell very good, I don't think laundry was a priority...
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Abs!
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Um, two hours. Whenever I know something, you'll know something.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: You got one! Anything else?
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Yes, as a matter of fact. This is for you.
[hands Gibbs a coffee]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why?
Abby Sciuto: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in administration have wandering hands.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you!
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: I know you will, Gibbs. And that is why I love you.
[Gibbs gives her a peck on the cheek]


"NCIS: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I thought I'd show her something that revealed who I am. If she gets turned on, we haven't wasted our time.
Abby Sciuto: You're the man, Ducky... Why can't I find a man like you?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, if this doesn't work out, I *am* available.

Jimmy Palmer: [as he's putting the body away] I have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby Sciuto: [lowering her voice] No don't put me back in the dark!
Jimmy Palmer: [turning around] *Abby*! You made me almost... I...
Abby Sciuto: Made you almost what,
[lowering her voice again]
Abby Sciuto: Jimmy?
Jimmy Palmer: You know what.

Abby Sciuto: And the spectrometer found minute traces of antimony sulfide and potassium chlorate on both.
Timothy McGee: Matches.
Abby Sciuto: Light my fire, McGee!

Abby Sciuto: Stop playing with my equipment!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, I haven't had a woman say that to me in a long time.


"NCIS: Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: You have to go up to go down, right?
[pushes the elevator button]
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him now, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: [after the data has been deleted] Abby, I'm hurt that you think that I'd do this.
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Block him out. "He's not there", say it.
Abby Sciuto: He's not there.
[see Rinnert standing in her lab]
Abby Sciuto: He's still there.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Close your eyes. Open them and imagine him gone.
Abby Sciuto: [closes her eyes. Opens them] Didn't work!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [moving behind her] Try it again.
Abby Sciuto: [closing her eyes] He's not there. He's not there.
[opens her eyes]
Abby Sciuto: Still not working, McGee.
[sound of a door opening/closing]
Abby Sciuto: McGee?

[Abby has bought the team iPods with her tax refund]
Abby Sciuto: It's the newest version, Gibbs. It's a hundred and sixty gigabytes. You could download like, forty thousand songs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I only listen to five, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Five thousand?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Five.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, Gibbs. We really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.
[Gibbs' phone rings]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Like Android Lust, or Flesh-Eating Foundation, Green Satan, or Suicide Commando.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hanging his phone up] Dead Marine.
Abby Sciuto: Never heard of 'em.


"NCIS: Seadog (#1.3)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: I found traces of C-4 in that stuff you bagged on the boat.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thank god. They're just going to try to blow something up.
[everyone turns and looks strangely at Fornell]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: We've been sweating terrorists hacking into our power distribution software. That could shut down half our country. C-4 indicates a hard target: a power plant, substation, distribution node, which are all under tight security. Which are about get a hell of a lot tighter.

Abby Sciuto: I ran those prints through the Bureau. I got nada.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You did not have access to the full database.
Abby Sciuto: [to Fornell] You're holding out on us! That is not nice!

Abby Sciuto: [Shaking her finger at Fornell] You're holding out on us! That's not nice!

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thanks. You've all done a terrific job.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby Sciuto: I didn't know you had a sister, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby Sciuto: I need music to do that.


"NCIS: See No Evil (#2.1)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next thing I want you to do is hack into Watson's computer. It's the only link we have to the kidnapper.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, we are talking about the Pentagon here. Even their encryptions have encryptions.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, um, I... I think, um...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Need help?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You.

[Abby's computer overheats and crashes]
Abby Sciuto: No, no, no, no! No! No! Aahh! My baby just french-fried!

Abby Sciuto: [after her computer overheats] Gibbs, not every computer problem can be solved by rebooting it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [holding up his cell phone] Works for me.


"NCIS: Chained (#2.10)" (2004)
Agent Caitlin Todd: Oh!
Abby Sciuto: Are you all right?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Gibbs is driving.
Abby Sciuto: I'm saying a prayer in many languages.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got him?
Abby Sciuto: Are you honestly asking me that?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] He wants you.
Timothy McGee: How'd he know I was here?
Abby Sciuto: [putting headset on McGee] Because he's Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby Sciuto: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.


"NCIS: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)
Timothy McGee: If I said that to Gibbs, I would be seeing stars.
Abby Sciuto: Well *that's* the advantage of being *me*!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come here. Abs, you'll need Ducky's help.
Abby Sciuto: No I won't!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs nods in Ducky's direction. Ducky looks pitifully at the screen pics of the two victims] Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes I will.

Abby Sciuto: [to Gibbs] Ducky! He's barking up my heels like a dog with mange...
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs leaves] ... And he's *so* grouchy, he'll give *you* a run for your money!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee who is under Abby's feet at a computer] Special Agent Goodwrench?
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] McGee is rewiring my Hot Box.


"NCIS: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: And no one's telling us anything. So we have two options.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And they're both illegal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hack into Mossad...
Abby Sciuto: Or hack into Vance.
Captain Rebecca 'Becky' Hastings, USAF: Oh, that's it! I'm outta here! I'm done!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So much for the daredevil.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Forgot about her.
Abby Sciuto: Whatever... let's get hackin'!

Abby Sciuto: We've isolated the needle in the haystack. An analmoly, one specific characteristic.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Brand name import. Not easily available in Europe or Africa.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got all the way from the United States, at high cost, high difficulty.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: What are we talking about?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby holds up her Caf-Pow] Ta-Da!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

Abby Sciuto: I've been trying to contact Ziva in ever way possible!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Psychics, telepathy, or crystal balls?


"NCIS: One Shot, One Kill (#1.13)" (2004)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he finishes setting up the sensors] You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius.
Abby Sciuto: Oh Tony, tell me something I *don't* know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I once dated my high school music teacher.
Abby Sciuto: Really? What was his name?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [fake chuckle] Cute.

Abby Sciuto: [Abby having just found a bullet in a doll's head] Ah-ha!
[Imitating Ducky]
Abby Sciuto: Gerald? To Abby, please.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Ducky know you do that?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [up on a telephone pole] Gibbs gets dress blue charlies, I look like one of the Village People.
Abby Sciuto: Ha-ha. Maybe you could find a local cop and get a dance rountine goin'.

Abby Sciuto: You're a macho, macho man, Tony.


"NCIS: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Abby is spinning in circles on a stool] Abby. Abigail! What are you doing?
Abby Sciuto: I'm trying to change my spacial orientation. Help myself get a new perspective.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How's it working?
Abby Sciuto: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [explaining his model] It's for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technological stuff to him.
Abby Sciuto: Good point. It's like whenever I try to explain something sciency and his eye glaze over and he gets that "will you shut up and get to the point" look. He's behind me isn't he?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
[Abby spins around to confirm it]

Abby Sciuto: [of McGee's demonstration] This is so great. Even Gibbs could understand this.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, he does.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
[in her lab, Abby is stacking specimen jars with her music blaring]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ABBY!
[Abby starts, and knocks over all the jars]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs!
[Abby lowers her music volume]
Abby Sciuto: Hey, Gibbs. I was just, um... stacking specimen jars.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Haven't heard from you.
Abby Sciuto: I know, I miss you, too. It's so quiet around here. I had to go get my own Caf-POW. Did you know they raised their price twenty-five cents?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you come up with anything?
Abby Sciuto: I guess that depends on what you mean by "anything."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anything!


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hit my face on your door.
Abby Sciuto: Why'd you do that?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know, because the door's locked? That door's *never* locked. It's rarely been closed.

Abby Sciuto: You *lost* a body?
Jimmy Palmer: I didn't lose him. No! He was - stolen, and that's not even the weirdest part. We showed up at the crime scene and there he was. I think Gibbs had something to do with it. And - and Dr. Mallard looks like he wants to kill someone. I don't want it to be me. So
[tries to move past Abby]
Jimmy Palmer: I'm going...
Abby Sciuto: You *cannot* hide here!
[shoves him out of her lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Please!
Abby Sciuto: No!

Abby Sciuto: Stop interogatting me, McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stop acting weird!
Abby Sciuto: I *am* weird!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.


"NCIS: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! That's where McGee is.
[Steps in front of Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Is everything okay?
[Gibbs stares at her]
Abby Sciuto: Everything's not okay.
[Gibbs moves past her]
Abby Sciuto: Wait! What happened? Gibbs!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?

Abby Sciuto: I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.
Officer Ziva David: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Then get a *safer* job!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby Sciuto: True. Still... sucks!

Abby Sciuto: [to Gibbs] Oh by the way, if they ask you at the prison, I'm your boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Talking to his mechanic] Listen up, because this is what you're going to do. You're going to take the first estimate and take 10% off. Then you're going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow. Who would've guessed that McGee would grow a pair in women's prison.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [on the phone] I put away killers for a living. That's what I do. Now you do exactly what I told you, and we won't have any problems. Understood?... Good. Clock's ticking.
[hangs up]
Abby Sciuto: Wow, McGee. You're time in the big house really changed you. I *like* it!


"NCIS: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby Sciuto: Yes, ma'am.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby Sciuto: Okay that's it! You need a break!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby Sciuto: We don't! But *you* do!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn't a second "thunk" or a "thack" not even a "thock" in that track.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Officer Ziva David: Don't worry, Abby. Sometimes you can't see the jungle for the ferns.
Abby Sciuto: Uh... right.


"NCIS: Yankee White (#1.1)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: You dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President's diet?

Abby Sciuto: Wow Gibbs said Please!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When's the president returning?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Uh, tomorrow, noon. I'm flying back tonight to rejoin the detail.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mind if I tag along?
[Kate rolls her eyes and smirks, considering]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiles] Please?
Agent Caitlin Todd: You can. Your SIG-Sauer can't. We have a rule: no weapons on Air Force One unless you're Secret Service.
[Gibbs locks his sidearm in a drawer, and follows Kate to the elevator]
Abby Sciuto: Wow... Gibbs said "please."

Abby Sciuto: There's a cot, in that cabinet over there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bless you.
Abby Sciuto: What are you, my priest?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Curse you?


"NCIS: Los Angeles: Random on Purpose (#1.9)" (2009)
Special Agent G. Callen: Who gangs up on the Director of a Federal Agency?
Henrietta 'Hetty' Lange: Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr. Callen.
Special Agent G. Callen: And who's the expert?
Abby Sciuto: [Off screen] Oops. I think I took a wrong turn. Hello?
Eric Beal: Abby? We're in here.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby enters Ops] There you are. Hi. Wow! This place is seriously cool.

Abby Sciuto: So I'm sure Leon has told you I know who killed McKellon.
Eric Beal: Wait. You call him Leon?
Abby Sciuto: You don't?
Eric Beal: Not successfully.
Abby Sciuto: Give it time.

Special Agent G. Callen: You've solved 15 murders in as many hours, Abby. How does that feel?
Abby Sciuto: Almost as good as being alive.

Abby Sciuto: Are you trying to ask me out, Eric?
Eric Beal: Yeah.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, just checking. Go ahead.


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [referring to her megaphone] Abby, do you really need that thing?
Abby Sciuto: Need, McGee? Reason not the need, McGee.

Abby Sciuto: I have faith that if anyone can dig through burnt out remains and find uncooked cellular material, it's you two.
Jimmy Palmer: [Groans] Remind me not to let you give a speech at my wedding.

Jimmy Palmer: Doctor, I can't tell whether this is a medicarple or meditarsal bone.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Neither. It's the lower extremity of oryctolagus cuniculus.
Jimmy Palmer: A rabbit's foot?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah, look at the markings here at the end. It's where the metal keychain was attached.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Huh. Someone must have been carrying this for good luck. I wonder if they can get their money back.
[starts to chuckle until Ducky gives him a disapproving look]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I am so sorry. That was just a joke. And it was not a good joke. I realize that. Now.
Abby Sciuto: [entering] DNA. I need more. I finished IDing the first four victims, and I'm ready for a new batch.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, if you've finished your multi-species insensitivity.

Abby Sciuto: [re: McGee] Just think about his last girlfriend: she tried to kill him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Or an overprotective panther.


"NCIS: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: Even though the drive was reformatted, all the information it contained is still here. It's just a matter of Humpty-Dumptying it.
DiNozzo: I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That's because the king only had horses and *men*.
[Abby snickers]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby, I'm surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What happened?
Abby Sciuto: Too many rules.

Abby Sciuto: Don't be silly, ATF lady.

Abby Sciuto: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: The song remains the same?
Abby Sciuto: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.


"NCIS: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Dashboard navigation systems from both vehicles in the park. Tracking where Siravo's men have been, see if there was any common location.
Abby Sciuto: You mean other than where they died?

Abby Sciuto: [discussing what is on a suspect's laptop] He was a killer gamer though! And he plays a boat load of sims.
[looks at Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Translation video games. The rest is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts, and porn. Spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I already know that.
Abby Sciuto: Ok, I was just checking.

Abby Sciuto: This is Kaf-Pow country but yet there's no Kaf-Pow anywhere.

Abby Sciuto: [looking at a video game] Captains of Industry 3. The completely unnecessary third installment of the not so popular sequel.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [sarcastically] Capturing all the fun of being a corporate CEO and building your own business empire.
Abby Sciuto: Not playtime, Elf Lord.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You got that right. COI3 was universally panned as '08's worst MMORPG.
Abby Sciuto: It sucks! So why was Perry spending up to 7 hours a day playing it online.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: He sucks.


"NCIS: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: Oh my God. That poster is right outside my lab. He was here. He walked right by my lab!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this isn't a flash code. It's h dot six two four.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this isn't a video. It's streaming live. He's outside Abby's lab!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after McGee falls down in Abby's lab] Again with the Krazy Glue?
Abby Sciuto: Consider yourself lucky. It was either that or hydrochloric acid!

Abby Sciuto: I have two questions: This video it's different than the others. Why?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. What's the other question?
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay with you tonight?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: If we turn them both on.
Abby Sciuto: We can triangulate back on the killer.
[Turns and faces Gibbs]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Or you could just stand there looking at me.


"NCIS: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

Abby Sciuto: I found calcium which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Which means?
Abby Sciuto: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Abby Sciuto: I ran the fingerprints from the Mercedes, the cooler in the back of the car, and Martin Boussard's room. They're all the same and they're all his.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boussard stole the Mercedes?
Abby Sciuto: Either that or he just really likes to touch stuff.

Abby Sciuto: Lay some tissue samples on me, Duckman.
[Ducky gestures for Palmer to do it]
Jimmy Palmer: So, light meat or dark?
[Abby shoots him an incredulous look]
Jimmy Palmer: Inappropriate?
Abby Sciuto: With a big dash of creepy, Jimmy.
Jimmy Palmer: It's my delivery. I need to work on that.


"NCIS: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Have you ever heard of an agent having to retake their test?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby sighs] Special Agent Krischner.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Kirschner?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. He was gone before you got here. He was, um, he was let go.

Abby Sciuto: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!
Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey.
Abby Sciuto: [Gibbs enters. Abbey rushes to him] Gibbs! Make this awful man go away.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It never made sense to me, to spend a fortune on something that's going to be viewed for a couple hours then stuck in the ground to rot.
Abby Sciuto: Mine has, and will continue to provide me with hours of restful sleep and pleasure.

Abby Sciuto: [DiNozzo and McGee enter the lab] You're out!
[to Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Did you know?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director handled it. Way above my paygrade. Don't get too comfortable boy. We've got a search team to organize.


"NCIS: The Good Samaritan (#1.14)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: Ooh! Gibbs! Didn't your Momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.

Gibbs: Got your 911, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: Ready to have your world rocked again?
Gibbs: I'm barely over the first time.

Abby Sciuto: You can't rush science, Gibbs! You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you run it through...
Abby Sciuto: Run it through AFIS?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby Sciuto: It's a killer combination.


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as their searching for evidence from a street sweeper] Wait. Aren't you going to help?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby sighs] That's so sweet of you to ask. But my job is to process the evidence - not find it. I would never want to take that away from you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Looking at Abby's Homecoming photo] Which one was the lucky guy?
Abby Sciuto: Um. All of them. They all asked me to the dance. And I couldn't bear to say no. So I kind of convinced all them into taking me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mmm. How'd that work out?
Abby Sciuto: Well, let's just say it might be - what got me interested in my first crime scene.

Abby Sciuto: [to her lab equiment] Look, I understand your pain. I mean no one wants their secrets revealed. But you have something I needed. You had something that Leroy Jethro Gibbs needed. And that is a man you do not want to disappoint.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Never have before Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I have, but I prefer not to go there.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Works for me.


"NCIS: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, it might not be rigged with a bomb, per se... I love saying "per se." It's one of those phrases no one really knows what it means, but you use it anyway, 'cause... Am I off topic again?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You may be.

Abby Sciuto: Good news and bad news, Gibbs. Good news is I'm still cute. Bad news, the bomb squad got a little trigger happy.
[holds up the remains of the box]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They blew up the metal box.
Abby Sciuto: Do you have any idea what's beyond smithereens?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby Sciuto: Me neither. That's what we've got.

[Abby is rambling while talking with Gibbs]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo.
Abby Sciuto: [mildly hurt] You wouldn't!
[Gibbs nods pointedly at her]
Abby Sciuto: You would?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It won't be on the head.


"NCIS: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent. The unattainable...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
Abby Sciuto: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Six... Christmas Eve.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So basically you got nothing.
Abby Sciuto: I've spoiled you Gibbs. You can't get an answer every time you come down here. But next time, I *will* have something.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time, you'll have a Caf-Pow!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby...
Abby Sciuto: '72 Skylark, custom hubcaps. I already told Tony to put out a BOLO.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was going to say "Nice job."
[Gibbs walks away]
Abby Sciuto: Oh...
[Dejectedly]
Abby Sciuto: Obviously not nice enough.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fridge.
[Abby looks at the fridge and notices a Caf-Pow! Abby gasps, and goes to the fridge]
Abby Sciuto: I don't know how you did that and I don't care!
[Holds it aloft]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs!


"NCIS: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony said that if I really want to go, then I shouldn't volunteer. But if he says that I shouldn't volunteer, then he thinks I will volunteer. Which means if I really want to go, I shouldn't volunteer.
Abby Sciuto: That's... good, Timmy. That sounds like you're doing exactly what you... shouldn't.

Abby Sciuto: Sounds like you're not doing exactly what you shouldn't.

[Abby is speaking to Tony and Nikki in Baghdad via video chat]
Abby Sciuto: I didn't know you guys were sharing a room.
Officer Ziva David: [whispering] They're sharing a room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not exactly sharing a room.
Officer Ziva David: [whispering] Either they are sharing a room or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!


"NCIS: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: Tony, I'm so glad you -
[pulls back]
Abby Sciuto: smell like garbage.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.

Abby Sciuto: These people have read way too many sci-fi comics.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Some of these experiments are more fi than sci. One of them makes people glow in the dark.

Abby Sciuto: [Coming towards Ziva's desk] Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva stands. A bruise covers her right eye] Abby...
Abby Sciuto: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: ABBY!
[Shoves her into a chair]
Officer Ziva David: Calm down! Tony has a broken nose, McGee has a dislocated shoulder but: we caught the guy.
Abby Sciuto: What is he even doing here? He should be locked up! He's an animal!
Officer Ziva David: [Looks shocked] He's not an animal. He a MAN.
Abby Sciuto: Are you defending him? He attacked for no reason, the guy's a killing machine...
Officer Ziva David: He's a Marine. Who was willing to to give up everything for his country. We have a responsibility to him!
Abby Sciuto: Oh, spare me the Samurai code of honor. Noble respect for your combatant? It's admirable but he tried to kill Tony and he tried to kill McGee. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod...
Officer Ziva David: [Grabs her] And me too. Believe me, we are fine. Calm down.
Abby Sciuto: [Stops for a second] Ziva, can't you just let me get it out? For a second? I meant I'm not like you, I'm not like some totally emotionless perfect warrior.
[Leaves, Ziva looks crestfallen]


"NCIS: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: We're going to find her, Gibbs. We're going to find her. You believe that right?... Don't answer that. Forget I asked! Just -
[hugs Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Okay I need all of you to get *out* of my lab. I have all of these samples to test, and Major Mass Spec is going to blow up in protest, if I don't blow up first.
[pause]
Abby Sciuto: Sorry. This isn't my lab. I'm going to go.
[leaves autopsy]

Abby Sciuto: It's for my cellphone. So when Gibbs calls, his face will appear, and I'll know it's him. See?
[shows McGee the pic]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nice... print.
[Abby looks at the photo of her thumb and groans]

Abby Sciuto: I'm the master of faster.


"NCIS: Kill Ari: Part 2 (#3.2)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: For "Nobody leaving the building", there are a lot of people leaving the building.

Gibbs: [storming toward the elevator] Okay, from now on, EVERYONE is using phonetics, like we used to do in the Corps!
Abby Sciuto: Uhh, Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
[Gibbs pauses, glaring]
Abby Sciuto: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm freaking out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Okay, go. But don't...
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I know, don't leave the building. Okay.
[waves]
Abby Sciuto: Bravo Yankee Echo!

Abby Sciuto: Stop staring at my butt McGee! Hand me the dish.


"NCIS: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's tattoo decision] I don't think I'm the one to ask about this...
Abby Sciuto: But Gibbs, you know me better than anyone else. And when you're going to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life, you need the person around you that knows you best for guidance. Please!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where do you want to put the tattoo?
Abby Sciuto: ...Okay, you're right. You're not the one to ask.

Abby Sciuto: [to Lt. Col. Mann] Never question the gut.

[McGee and Abby are talking about Gibbs and Col Mann]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, the colonel said to Gibbs "funny how we keep meeting up like this"
Abby Sciuto: McGee, you are reading *way* too much into this!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, you were not there, and you did not see the look on his face!


"NCIS: Dead Man Talking (#1.19)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: Don't lie. Gibbs is like Santa Claus. He knows if you've been naughty.

[after Tony checks out Amanda]
Abby Sciuto: Isn't she a little old for you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's like my age.
Abby Sciuto: Exactly.

Abby Sciuto: Hey Gibbs, you there?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: You rule.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know, but remind me why.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: [holding a wrinkled dollar bill in one hand and a candy bar in the other] Give me a dollar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, what's wrong with that one?
Abby Sciuto: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby Sciuto: It has nougat in it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby Sciuto: [exasperated] I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking out his wallet and looking in it] All I have are big bills.
Officer Ziva David: What is nougat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's whipped dolphin fat.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, it's the filling in Clowny Cake.
Abby Sciuto: That is a myth!
[agitated]
Abby Sciuto: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A DOLLAR?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause, DiNozzo, McGee, and David exchange awkward glances] Sure, I got one.
Abby Sciuto: [taking the bill from Tony] Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat!
Officer Ziva David: I don't even know what nougat is!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear!

Abby Sciuto: Don't you have work to do?
[pause]
Abby Sciuto: Look it's not something you can fix in the classic Gibbs "hit and run" style, OK?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [long pause] I got time, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: It's stupid... ugh... it's just... a guy... I-I'm not gonna start... spilling my guts... 'cause you... keep... standing here.
[longer pause]
Abby Sciuto: All right. Apparently... I am too much for him. Can you imagine that? Me? And it's not what you think. It's not... all this
[indicating her style of dress]
Abby Sciuto: . He likes... he likes small women. I got dumped, because. I'm too... too big. And don't even bother with the 'No, it's him. He's too small.' or 'If he can't accept you for who you are then it's his problem' thing. He just doesn't think that we can make it work, and I've done everything I can to try to convince him that he's wrong.
[looks at his picture on her computer screen]
Abby Sciuto: So I guess I'm just going to have to accept it
[deletes picture]
Abby Sciuto: and let it go.
[turns toward Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Thanks Gibbs.
[hugs him]
Abby Sciuto: You always know what to say.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I couldn't help but notice how quiet it is in here, Where's the music?
Abby Sciuto: I just wasn't in the mood.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anything... you wanna... talk about?
Abby Sciuto: Why would there be?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah... i don't know... it's just that McGee just said that you weren't acting like yourself, and so I thought...
Abby Sciuto: Oh, so you guys have been talking about me?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah... No... We're wondering... if there was anything bothering you...
Abby Sciuto: You wanna know what bothers me? It BOTHERS ME when people gossip about other people behind their backs! Do you really think that THAT is OK?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sheepishly] Yeah... 'cause... I mean... it's the only way to gossip... 'cause if we talked about you in front of your face, it would just be talking about you.
[Abby storms off]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know what? We're just not gonna... we're not gonna do that anymore.
[door closes in his face]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sorry.


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: And don't worry Tony, the chances of even one of your teeth matching are like 100,000 to one.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do it, Abby.
[the program matches all of Tony's teeth to the bite marks]

Abby Sciuto: Because if this goes to court, with his finger print and his bite mark on the leg, Tony's gonna go to prison for the rest of his life. And *I'll* be the one to put him there.

[last lines]
Abby Sciuto: [pointing to Chip who's hog-tied after trying to attack her] *Now* can I work alone?


"NCIS: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [looking at a monitor of autopsy] I can't belive Gibbs broke protocol!
Abby Sciuto: [slight chuckle] No he didn't.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But he left autopsy.
Abby Sciuto: But not isolation.
[Gibbs and McGee enter wearing biohazard suits]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to check the video from 1130 when I left to 0530 when McGee arrived
Abby Sciuto: You need to get a life, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Last thing I need is another wife!
Abby Sciuto: [speaking louder so he can hear through the bio suit] Life, Gibbs. You need to get a life.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [pretending she can't hear] What?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking!
Abby Sciuto: I don't know Gibbs, I can't hear you through the...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I SAID NICE THINKING!
[signs something]
Abby Sciuto: Not nice Gibbs. Not nice.


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display in a department store. I lost like a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. Still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with Apa-Filter.
Jimmy Palmer: How old were you?
Abby Sciuto: 22. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day.

Jimmy Palmer: You have captured his essence pefectly. His... anger. His intent. Uh, his bloodlust.
Abby Sciuto: His likeness? It's his likeness. That's kind of the point here. You know what? Let's just start over. Okay, he was a white guy, right?

Abby Sciuto: Jimmy, you chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a... stud muffin. You're an iron fist in a velvet glove. You're Baby Gibbs.


"NCIS: Kill Ari: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: [Kate has just been killed. Abby is weeping and staring at a caricature sketch Kate drew of her as a bat] I *really* liked you, Kate.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: As a Marine sniper, I used hand-loaded Lapua .308 boat-tail, full metal jacket, moly-coated bullets.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know what a sniper calls a Bravo 51?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A Kate.

[Abby searches a car trunk, looking for bullets]
Abby Sciuto: Hey, McGee, take a look at this! I think it's a 308!
[McGees ogles her butt]
Abby Sciuto: Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!


"NCIS: Thirst (#9.6)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: [after Ducky catches Abby and Palmer gossiping about him] So you're not mad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mad? Quite. Angry? No what say we all stick to business from now on?

Abby Sciuto: That euphoria would cause an accelerated heart rate and increased body temperature. Resulting in severe dehydration. Which naturall would lead to an extreme... unquenchable...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Thirst.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Sadism masquerading as kindness.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The killer didn't pump Simms full of water. He fed it to him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let me get this straight. Abby is your source? What's the big secret? You've been my source on plenty of stuff.
Abby Sciuto: Um, well, not for gossip. Sorry, Tony. I mean, I can't tell you some things because you *totally* blab. Kind of like some other people that I suddenly find myself disappointed in.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How could I have fallen so far off the trust ladder?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Not a ladder, DiNozzo. More like a stepstool.


"NCIS: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: So he knew he was in jeopardy, and his last desperate act was to mail this?... He wanted this to get to me even if he didn't.
[Opens the package, and looks at the contents]
Abby Sciuto: He died getting me *this*?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ever talk about art?... When you weren't talking about forensic evidence, what'd you talk about?
Abby Sciuto: Well that's personal Gibbs. I feel like you're interrogating me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I am!

Abby Sciuto: Are you behind me, Gibbs?
Dr. Donald Mallard: You flatter me, Abby.


"NCIS: Sister City: Part 1 (#13.12)" (2016)
Luca Sciuto: You told me the government could trace it. I didn't know you could.
Abby Sciuto: I *am* the government!

Luca Sciuto: But what happens when you find her?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs happens.
Luca Sciuto: Oh no.
Abby Sciuto: It's not like he goes out and shoot spies on the spot.
Anthony DiNozzo: I haven't heard from Trent Kort lately.

Abby Sciuto: He didn't say a word to them for weeks.
Anthony DiNozzo: Weren't your parents deaf?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. He would just keep his hands in his pockets.


"NCIS: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: You guys okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm dealing with my boat phobia. Tony's dealing with his rat phobia. And Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby Sciuto: So what's Gibbs dealing with?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Them!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What the hell is that noise?
Abby Sciuto: Brain Matter.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause] I love them.

Abby Sciuto: Now place two drops of the methalane blue on your slide.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [adds the drops] We're good.
Abby Sciuto: Of course, blood that's passed through someone's G.I. tract has a very *particular* smell...
[Tony sniffs the slide]
Abby Sciuto: But since this guy may have died from a highly contagious virus, whatever you do, *don't* inhale!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [slight pause] We're not good!


"NCIS: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: [rambling after Gibbs sneaks up on her] I need a hearing test. I'm going deaf. Am I talking loud? Because sometimes people who don't hear very well, they talk too loud. Except, sometimes, when I get water in my ears, I talk so softly that people tell me to speak up because I have that weird, you know, gurgling, swishing sound in my head. Has that ever happened to you? Why didn't I hear the elevator?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Abby hands him a post-it note] One... two... six.
Abby Sciuto: One hundred and twenty-six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple-digits, Gibbs. But now it's way more. It's like a third of a whole year. I miss them.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby Sciuto: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers. Tim is the only one I've seen. No Tony, no Ziva. I get postcards from Tony.
[hugs Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: I want them back, Gibbs. Please get them back.
[Abby releases him and looks at him sternly]
Abby Sciuto: You have ten days. Okay, I don't want to pressure you. So twelve. But no more than two weeks.
[Gibbs smirks and walks off]
Abby Sciuto: And stop taking the stairs!
[the elevator dings and Abby smiles]

Abby Sciuto: [walking into the squad room on McGee's arm; re: Ziva coming back to NCIS] I'm so excited, McGee, I can't believe it, pinch me.
[McGee does]
Abby Sciuto: Ow.
[she socks him]


"NCIS: The Curse (#1.5)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby Sciuto: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Abby Sciuto: [walking into the morgue] Fore!
[Ducky ducks]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Never do that again.
Abby Sciuto: [laughing] I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to get all freaked out.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, it's an automatic reflex when one is a golfer, Abigail.
Abby Sciuto: Please don't call me "Abigail."
Dr. Donald Mallard: Then don't yell "fore" when I have a niblick in my hand.
Abby Sciuto: A niblick? Sounds like a sex act.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, that's what I thought it was the first time I heard the term. A niblick is what a nine iron used to be called when golf was the province of Scottish nobles, not the democratic "lovely walk spoiled" by the weekend duffer.

Abby Sciuto: Sailor on the half-shell!
Dr. Donald Mallard: *Abigail!*


"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Want to talk knives?
Officer Ziva David: Always.

Jimmy Palmer: You are very, um... calm.
Abby Sciuto: I am. If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.

[as Ducky is wheeled out of surgery]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My glasses?
[Gibbs puts them back on]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, sweet of you to have held on to them for me while I went under the knife... it's ironic that the solution to one knife should be... Mr. Palmer, would you, would you finish that thought for me?
Jimmy Palmer: Sure, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, and you need to send for a substitute M.E. Uh, Jordan...
Jimmy Palmer: Doctor Hampton?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. On my desk you'll find her number, while I myself lie here getting much "numb-er."
[chuckles]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...
[He is wheeled out]
Abby Sciuto: Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive.


"NCIS: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)
[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [whispers in Abby's ear] Your computer's on fire.
Abby Sciuto: [wakes up and starts typing furiously] McGee, my baby's french-frying!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [wakes up and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds, they both turns around]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

Abby Sciuto: Is it just me or is he acting like a...
Officer Ziva David: Snitch?
Abby Sciuto: Close enough. It must be that damn mustache.

[McGee is messing around with a software program that predicts the features of a couple's child. He combines Tony and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Guys, meet your love child.
[He produces a picture of a rather ugly baby. Ziva laughs, then shares a look with Tony]
Officer Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [together] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Officer Ziva David: Now that's not a bad combination.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Never more than once, DiNozzo.
[Abby enters and sees the picture]
Abby Sciuto: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibbets, Gibbs.


"NCIS: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are you looking for?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs. He has this uncanny way of just showing up whenever I make a discovery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's a little bit off his game since he's been playing director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on the videophone behind McGee and Abby] Is that so, McGee?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're desperate.
Abby Sciuto: They're like drowning men grasping at thin polystyrene tubes.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was going to say straws, but I do like that idiom better.
Abby Sciuto: Because mines more accurate! I mean, does saying 'grasping at straws' tell you if they're made out of paper or glass or metal or polystyrene? No!


"NCIS: Safe Harbor (#9.5)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How do you know?
Abby Sciuto: Cause he's already found her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: His first wife.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Handing his pants to Abby] Think you can get it out?
Abby Sciuto: Yep.
[Abby cuts off a piece of DiNozzo's pants]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe I should have been more specific.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby tosses DiNozzo's pants back to him. As she passes Gibbs] I'll explain later. I hope.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby'll explain later. She hopes.


"NCIS: Patriot Down (#7.23)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Look, I know that Special Agent Macy's murder is super-important. And I know that you guys have a long history together going back to when you were a Marine. And not a lot of people know that, but Gibbs. We really need to talk about Mexico.

Abby Sciuto: I owe you everything. You're Gibbs. No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do *anything* for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby Sciuto: My job. But it's different - this time. It has to be, right?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, it doesn't.


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: Whoaw, after all these years I am finally losing my crime-scene virginity

[Abby catches herself taking photos of the crime scene in a "tourist" outfit]
Abby Sciuto: Oh, my God... I've turned into my Uncle Larry!


"NCIS: My Other Left Foot (#1.12)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: This guy had huge feet. You could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Ducky!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Find anything?
Abby Sciuto: Nothing but I'll tell you one thing though he had huge feet. I could wear this sock as a leg warmer
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not implying anything. You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They're clowns!
Abby Sciuto: [Mild giggle from Ducky] Oh I got something.


"NCIS: Semper Fidelis (#6.24)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: The bug stomp. Classic movie move. Sounds like a Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nah. It was a Jules.
Abby Sciuto: A Jules? What is a Jules? I'm going to have a word with this Jules if we ever have the good fortune of meeting.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'd like to be here for that.

Abby Sciuto: You probably know some kind of... martial arts or something, huh?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: When I was in High School, my mother was the ambassador to Bangkok. I fell in love with Muay Thai.
Abby Sciuto: So if I tried to scratch you eyes out... you could probably break my fingers.
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: That would be a mistake. You need your fingers to fix the bug.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby walks away. Quietly to McGee] And in my own lab.


"NCIS: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: [about Gibbs' service number being found at the crime scene] That's like shining the Bat-symbol and Batman showing up.

Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. Type something about the something into something!


"NCIS: Power Down (#7.8)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: I don't understand. I mean why does Autopsy get back up power and I don't? I mean MTAC, I get that. But what does Ducky have that I don't have?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corpses.
Abby Sciuto: I'll get some corpses.

Abby Sciuto: [Offering a jar to Gibbs] Smell anything?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whiskey.
Abby Sciuto: Good.
[Takes a drink]
Abby Sciuto: It's non alcoholic, but I needed that.


"NCIS: UnSEALeD (#1.18)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate get you the stuff from Curtin's cell?
Abby Sciuto: It's on its way. Kate rules.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I thought Abby ruled.
Abby Sciuto: Good women don't mind sharing a throne, Gibbs.

Abby Sciuto: Is there anything you cannot find?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. A way to shut up DiNozzo.


"NCIS: Reveille (#1.23)" (2004)
[Gibbs spent the night in his office chair]
Abby Sciuto: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No, I would not!
Abby Sciuto: I didn't think so.

[first lines]
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee, as they lean over Gibbs, asleep in his desk chair] Wake him up.


"NCIS: Left for Dead (#1.10)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby Sciuto: Have you ever seen one? Mine's *awesome!* It's 18th century French.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You have a chastity belt?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know, Abby. And not enough about this key.

Abby Sciuto: Gotcha!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby Sciuto: [mockingly] Shocking.


"NCIS: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: [discussing a murder victim's clothes] His underwear are boxer briefs, like you wear, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're fishing, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: So, are they regular boxers? Trunks? Bikinis? Nothing?

Abby Sciuto: You shaved your moustache. I liked you with a little hair on your face.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still got my eyebrows.


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Entering the lab] Hey.
Jimmy Palmer: She's in a foul mood... again.
Abby Sciuto: Palmer! I have guns in my Ballistics Lab. And I know how to use them.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Year of the Spy.
Abby Sciuto: Spies have their own year?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: More spies were arrested on US soil in 1985 than any other year in history. That's why the media dubbed it the "Year of the Spy."


"NCIS: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Ugh... Mmm. Sorry. My cousin Tetra's Lime Jell-o with yams, marsmallows and pecans. Some family traditions should not be upheld. That really, really, *really* sucked!

Dr. Donald Mallard: A toast. Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good cheer for fall.
Abby Sciuto: And to all a good night... Wrong holiday.


"NCIS: The Good Wives Club (#2.2)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only prints in the room were hers?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I'm afraid so. I found traces of cleanser on the furniture.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's cautious.
Abby Sciuto: So am I. When I... chain guys up.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This is going to be useful, Abby, why?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good windup before I deliver my knockout.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just hit me with it, Baby.


"NCIS: Faith (#7.10)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Look, I sympathize, okay? But satellite feeds to the Indian Ocean are restricted to all but the highest priority communications.
Abby Sciuto: What's a higher priority than a little boy that wants to see his mom on Christmas?

Abby Sciuto: How fun would it be to have a totally impromptu Christmas party? Like right now? We could decorate my test tube tree. We could warm up dumplings in the incubator.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby!
Abby Sciuto: I know. Typing. I feel like Scrooge being visited by the three grumpy ghosts.


"NCIS: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)
[McGee walks in on Abby just as she is finishing changing her clothes]
Abby Sciuto: See something you like, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
[She gives him a look]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I mean, yes.
Abby Sciuto: Better.

Abby Sciuto: McGee, never forget: I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.


"NCIS: Terminal Leave (#2.6)" (2004)
[Gibbs spots a clue that Abby had missed]
Abby Sciuto: A reflection of whoever planted the bomb! Gibbs.
[punches him on the arm]
Abby Sciuto: You're hired.

Abby Sciuto: She sent me highly encrypted j-pegs. Public key's got 64 numbers. It took me longer to input the password than it took the program to decrypt the cyphertext.
[Gibbs looks a question]
Abby Sciuto: Umm... machine making pretty pictures now?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aah.


"NCIS: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
Officer Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
Officer Ziva David: It *is* Saturday, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.

[Ducky comes in and sees Jimmy and Abby starting an autopsy]
Dr. Donald Mallard: What are you doing?
Jimmy Palmer: Dr. Mallard!
[stammers, then]
Jimmy Palmer: She made me!
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, well, everything seems to be in order. Why don't you begin while I get changed?
Jimmy Palmer: You're not mad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Work cannot stop, Mr. Palmer, because my mother's nurse chooses to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
Abby Sciuto: So, what'd you do with your mom?
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: [following him in] Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!
Dr. Donald Mallard: We *did* go for a ride, mother.
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Oh... you drive too fast, Donald.


"NCIS: Legend: Part 2 (#6.23)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: [Abby's phone is ringing] It's him. It's Tim. He knows I'm sitting at his desk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tell him you're in your lab. He won't know.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, he'll know. He knows everything.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs knows everything. McGenius is smart but he doesn't know everything.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can I talk to Tony please?
Abby Sciuto: Okay.
[Abby walks to DiNozzo's desk offering her phone]
Abby Sciuto: It's for you. It's McGoo - McGee - Tim.
[Into the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Sorry McGee.


"NCIS: Baltimore (#8.22)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: What if the killer's trying to tell us he's gonna come after our friends? I mean Tony knew the victim.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not just Tony. I knew him too.

Abby Sciuto: How on Earth did you -?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule #35.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: Always watch the watchers.


"NCIS: The Voyeur's Web (#3.6)" (2005)
Charles 'Chip' Sterling: Ms. Suiuto?
Abby Sciuto: [taken by surprise] Whoa! That was quieter than Gibbs!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [striding into Abby's lab] Whaddaya have, Abbs?
Abby Sciuto: Um, a PhD in porn? I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find a lead and I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his entire lifetime.
[pause]
Abby Sciuto: K, maybe not, but I have watched a LOT of smut.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya learn anything?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Anything about the case?
[patented Gibbs stare]
Abby Sciuto: Right. I was getting to that.


"NCIS: Hiatus: Part 2 (#3.24)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs also thinks the Giants just won the Superbowl and that Dancing with Wolves was an academy award nominee.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I loved that movie.
Officer Ziva David: Me too. Those Indians were so macho in their...

[McGee and Abby are showing a computer recreation of the bomb blast]
Officer Ziva David: What's wrong with this picture?
Abby Sciuto: Nothing! McGee and I triple-checked to make sure all the numbers...
Officer Ziva David: Not your picture. Did I make another idiomatic mistake?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. You mean something's wrong with what we know.
Officer Ziva David: Exactly!


"NCIS: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)
[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm sorry. Ladies first.
Abby Sciuto: That is so sweet!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Today, Abby!

Abby Sciuto: You know that doesn't work with me... I always know when you're there... Gibbs?
[sound of the lab door closing]
Abby Sciuto: That's weird.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Shaking a Caf Pow] You lookin' for me?
Abby Sciuto: You are getting sneakier the older you get.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not to mention better lookin' What ya got?


"NCIS: Dead Air (#8.5)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: I don't think we're looking for hill billy militia, Gibbs. Our mystery voice wasn't calling from the backwoods. He was calling from Royal Woods. One of the wealthiest gated communities in suburban DC.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There goes the neighborhood.

Abby Sciuto: Welcome to the world of binaural audio. In the radio interview, the radio host and the Navy commander were using separate microphones positioned in opposite directions. So when you listen with one channel in one ear, and the other channel in the other ear, your brain recreates a three dimensional space.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, it's like listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".
Abby Sciuto: [impressed] Yes. Wow. Only it's gunshots instead of a drum solo. Wow.


"NCIS: Doppelgänger (#2.12)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby Sciuto: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?

Abby Sciuto: It's more addictive then pistachios. Well I mean have you ever eaten just one pistachio?


"NCIS: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [describing Gibbs's behavior around his father] He's like a teenager, sort of.
Tony DiNozzo: I'm coming!
[to Abby]
Tony DiNozzo: I'm going! I'm leaving!
[starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Me too!

Jackson Gibbs: I mean it's wonder Leroy can get any work done surrounded by such beautiful women.
Abby Sciuto: Are you always this *awkward* around girls?


"NCIS: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: [holding a cell phone retrieved from a terrorist's hideout] Remember the cell phone that was never used? Well, it was used. Only all the data was hard-erased.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [confused] *Hard-erased*?
Abby Sciuto: What part of "hard-erased" do you not understand?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: All of it.
Abby Sciuto: Well, then, you've come to the right place.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [scratching himself] I have poison ivy, and it's killing me!
Abby Sciuto: My secret remedy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What is it?
Abby Sciuto: Carbonic acid. You just smear it on.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am not going to put acid on my... boys!


"NCIS: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.

[Abby walks up to Gibbs' desk and sits down in the dimly lit squad room. Picking up his glasses, Abby puts them on and instantly becomes Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: I heard that, DiNozzo! Another wiseass comment like that and I will slap you so hard your grandchildren will feel it! You think that's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face! That goes for you too, David!
[picking up the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Special Agent Gibbs!
[realizing something, she slowly takes off the glasses]
Abby Sciuto: You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
[comes down]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feelin' real secure about your job, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Um, not so much anymore.


"NCIS: Lockdown (#13.5)" (2015)
Abby Sciuto: When I was young, me and my brother Luko, we saw this movie in school... and at the end the good guy killed the bad guy and we all cheered. Miss Johnson turned off the projector and she said 'we don't applaud killing, no matter who it is. If you take a life today, then you failed yesterday'.

Travis Cook: Miss Sciuto.
Abby Sciuto: Bad guy.


"NCIS: False Witness (#8.10)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: [about McGee] I've had, um, problems with visitors so he was just being... overprotective.
P.O. Jerry Neisler: About what? Your butt? He couldn't stop checking it out when your back was turned.
Abby Sciuto: Really?
P.O. Jerry Neisler: But I can see why you probably wanted to keep things casual.
Abby Sciuto: And why is that?
P.O. Jerry Neisler: What if he was the one? You're obviously married to your work. It's too soon to meet the one.
[Abbey stops the music]
P.O. Jerry Neisler: Are we done?
Abby Sciuto: Yes. Very!
[Elevator chimes. Gibbs starts to enter]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, can you make him go away, please?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [holding up turkey feather] Where'd this come from?
Abby Sciuto: I ran the turkey's DNA through the nwat-fah-dih-nahd. It's the National Wild Turkey Federation DNA Database. They really need a new acronym.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Turkey DNA database?


"NCIS: Family First (#13.24)" (2016)
Anthony DiNozzo: [Expecting a driver] Hey, I'm on the run. I gotta-
[Abby and McGree enter looking somber]
Abby Sciuto: Hey Tony.
Timothy McGee: We uh - Vance got a call.
Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo sighs] Ziva?
[DiNozzo drop his bag]
Anthony DiNozzo: Are we sure?
Abby Sciuto: I'm so sorry Tony.

Abby Sciuto: I'm really gonna miss you, Anthony DiNozzo.
Anthony DiNozzo: Not half as much as I'm gonna miss you, Abby Sciuto.


"NCIS: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [walks in on Abby and McGee Hugging] I'm not even gonna ask.
Abby Sciuto: [jumps up from hug] Technically it was a squatting hug, or squg.

Abby Sciuto: What will you do then?
Ziva David: We kill them, Abby.
Anthony DiNozzo: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula Cassidy: I prefer her way.


"NCIS: Hung Out to Dry (#1.2)" (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby Sciuto: Definitely.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I get to do forensics?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Abby Sciuto: Semper Fi... You rat, you fry.


"NCIS: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: Ok, Love is never having to read her her Miranda Rights.

Abby Sciuto: My meter is running full blast, Gibbs
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Relax Abs, I think you just solved the case.
Abby Sciuto: I did?
[as she turns to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs walks into squad room] Meters?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: -a form of measurement used extensively in Europe.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Taxi meters, DiNozzo


"NCIS: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: Come on, McGee. Give me something fierce. Bossman's got *mad* skills!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right... Ooo, okay Gibbs versus
[Gibbs appears behind Abby]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Oh HO! That's good. Evil twin or a clone?
[turns around notices Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! Good timing!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [slight pause] You ever lost a fight?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not sure I even ever won one.
Abby Sciuto: [aside to McGee] Definitely a Gibbs clone.


"NCIS: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Abby handcuffs McGee to a table] Well, where did you get these?
Abby Sciuto: [cheerfully] Never leave home without them!

[last lines]
Abby Sciuto: I ran every test I could think of. The slugs are too damaged. There's no way to tell who fired the kill shot... Does it really matter?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah... It matters.


"NCIS: Witness (#2.14)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: Money is a great receptor, because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM, leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, what did the urine tell you?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, all kinds of things, we had a great talk.


"NCIS: Lost & Found (#5.9)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: Know what bugs me most, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken.
Abby Sciuto: [frowns] Yes. But you know what also bugs me the most?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People who mishandle evidence.

Abby Sciuto: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: People that say they're vegetarian but eat chicken.
Abby Sciuto: Ok yes. So the what is my second biggest pet peeve.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Miss handled evidence.
Abby Sciuto: Yes again.


"NCIS: A Man Walks Into a Bar... (#8.14)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: Trust me, honey. You don't have enough hours in the day.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: I'll find the time, Miss Scuito. Don't you worry.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: I have nothing to criticise. You are so totally grounded in self-confidence. You make goth look... gorgeous and fun.
Abby Sciuto: I'm not a goth. I'm a... scientist.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: And a great one. But you work too hard. Is there any Abbey time?
Abby Sciuto: I make sandwhiches for the Shelter on Sundays.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: That's not relaxing.
Abby Sciuto: I drive for the food bank.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: All work and no play.


"NCIS: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Correction. Your ears are broken.

Abby Sciuto: The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stop.
Abby Sciuto: Right.


"NCIS: Mind Games (#3.3)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] You're not listening to a word I'm saying. I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but something about his silver hair gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: [Tony walks in] Excuse me for a second, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby Sciuto: I'm joking, Tony. Except for that part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby Sciuto: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs's gut?
Abby Sciuto: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But... but you just said that...
Abby Sciuto: He's not a scientist.


"NCIS: Caught on Tape (#2.15)" (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: At least I don't hang out with married people, Kate.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [to Abby] Will you please tell him that men and women can just be friends?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely they can.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Without having sex?
Abby Sciuto: Oh no, they'll have sex.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Abby!
Abby Sciuto: What, Kate, you never slept with a friend?
Agent Caitlin Todd: [upset] What is wrong with you people?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Good question, Kate.

[McGee has a livid rash covering half his face]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So... honestly, how do I look?
Abby Sciuto: Um, do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'd prefer the lie.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.


"NCIS: Jack Knife (#7.15)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Is there anything else you need?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If there is, McGee will do it.

Abby Sciuto: [to a suspect about his prized car] You want to bet I find traces of blood and hair, when I start taking this whole thing apart piece by piece?


"NCIS: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I did it Abby. I figured out how they got in.
Abby Sciuto: [coming up from behind McGee] How did you know I was here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...I didn't.

Abby Sciuto: [after Gibbs saves her life] Permission to hug?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never have to ask.


"NCIS: Rule Fifty-One (#7.24)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: The 40's. The 40's are for emergency use only!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If the 40's are in play, something unspeakably bad is going down.
Ziva David: We have to get him back!

Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, have you met Darren? Darren's an armed security guard. He's recently been reassigned to guard me. Although, I have no idea what that might be.
[Gibbs stares at Darren. Darren leaves]
Abby Sciuto: Except when I look at you. I know *exactly* why.


"NCIS: Enemies Foreign (#8.8)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: It's kind of a bad idea to shoot at a cutter with a 9mm. It's like trying to put out a forest fire with a supersoaker.

Abby Sciuto: [to Ziva] Do you think it's just by chance that he came back into your life? I mean, what about Gibbs and his father, and Tony? Just uh, comes a point, you know, in your lifetime where - where they come back into your life. Because - because they matter to you, and you matter to him. I know it sounds complicated, but believe me, it's not nearly as complicated as knowing they're never ever coming back.


"NCIS: The Immortals (#1.4)" (2003)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.


"NCIS: Eye Spy (#1.11)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still in touch with your old NASA boyfriend?
Abby Sciuto: He *wasn't* a boyfriend. He was a *boytoy*! And yes, we IM everyday.


"NCIS: Short Fuse (#8.3)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Guns usually speak to me. They tell me what I need to know. You, sir, are not co-operating.
Jimmy Palmer: [Entering] This is getting scary. Dr. Mallard talks to the dead. And now you're talking to evidence. Never mind.
Abby Sciuto: Well, it usually works with firearms. This one's not saying a peep.


"NCIS: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: The grooves match. All three rounds that you pulled out of toothless downstairs came from Tony's weapon. And none of the blood samples take from the dock match Tony or Ziva's blood type. I think they're going to be okay. Tony is only one of our very best agents and Ziva, she's basically a trained killer, right? I mean, she could take care of herself. And I got a direct link to four different GPS satellites. Either of them get an area with reception again, bam! We got them. I really don't think that there's any reason to worry, Ducky. They're going to be fine.
[Ducky gestures for Abby to come in for a hug]
Abby Sciuto: I need you to tell me they're going to be okay.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Of course they are.


"NCIS: Recruited (#8.12)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: It's amazing that you guys didn't have all these computers and stuff, and you solved cases. I mean really complicated ones. I mean I know coroners weren't doing Forensic autopsies back then. But it wasn't until 1975 that the FBI installed their first automated fingerprint reader. That sort of revolutionized what I do - what *we* do.
Doctor Walter Magnus: I-I-I haven't understood one thing you said. But I'm all for it. Forensics have certainly changed. haven't they doctor?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, indeed. You should see her when se gets excited about a case.


"NCIS: Worst Nightmare (#8.2)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Who are you? And what have you done with my Gibbs who doesn't like interns?


"NCIS: The San Dominick (#12.5)" (2014)
Abby Sciuto: Gosh, I just got chills.
Timothy McGee: Why's that?
Abby Sciuto: You're just... changing... right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.


"NCIS: Suspicion (#4.12)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Give me some good news, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I'm not pregnant.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Too much information.


"NCIS: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Abby Sciuto: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from beta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Panda?
Abby Sciuto: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a. Chlorine bleach.
Abby Sciuto: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh huh.


"NCIS: Forced Entry (#2.9)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: [about a suspect] This guy is cleaner than cleaner, whiter than white. If you put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby Sciuto: ...Or it just means he's never been caught.


"NCIS: Red Cell (#2.20)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: You might be smart, but *my* geek carries a gun!


"NCIS: Conspiracy Theory (#2.19)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: Correct as always my silver hair fox. I mean Gibbs, Sir, Boss
[slight smile from Gibbs towards Abby]


"NCIS: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, when is she coming back?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's not.
Abby Sciuto: No! This cannot happen! Vance cannot do this *again*!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't Vance's call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then who?


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: No - it's just - change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's - it's Agent Barret. I'm - not a fan. I mean - of change. Her
[Abby stutters]
Abby Sciuto: I don't mind. She's - feisty for someone so small. Um and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Not like I like you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs.
Abby Sciuto: I just - I like
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Our family the way it is.
[Gibbs hugs Abby]


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: If Major Mass Spec were a guy, I would totally marry him and bear his little Mini Mass children.


"NCIS: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Abby hits him] Hey!
Abby Sciuto: We should have thought of that hours ago.
[braces for McGee to hit her]
Abby Sciuto: Don't be gentle.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I am not gonna hit you.
Abby Sciuto: Come on. I deserve it.
[braces again]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
Abby Sciuto: [pause] Elf Lord.
[Abby braces again. Cut to outside Abby's lab]
Abby Sciuto: [o.s] OW!


"NCIS: Los Angeles: Killshot (#1.5)" (2009)
Forensic Scientist Abby Sciuto: All right, I will call you as soon as I find something.
Tech Operator Eric Beal: Cool. See ya, Abby.
Forensic Scientist Abby Sciuto: One day, Eric. One day.


"NCIS: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs gave you a mission. Do what you do best.
Abby Sciuto: Dance?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Talk.


"NCIS: Chasing Ghosts (#10.20)" (2013)
Abby Sciuto: [rushing into the bullpen] Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sounds like Abby's had a breakthrough.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: [dressed as Marilyn Monroe with McGee and DiNozzo staring at her] Why are you guys looking at me like that? Do I have food in my teeth or something?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [recovers somewhat, McGee does not] I'm just gonna stick with "or something."


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: What kind of name is "Mallison"?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's "M. Allison Hart". I think they're missing some punctuation.


"NCIS: Housekeeping (#9.12)" (2012)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to the unseen passenger] Get out of the truck now!
Abby Sciuto: [Cut to Abby's lab] Um, maybe you should give Gibbs a call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tell him we got an ID.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: EJ.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Passenger gets out of the truck] Barrett?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: Hi guys.


"NCIS: Vanished (#2.3)" (2004)
Dr. Donald Mallard: I need you to run a tox screen on this tissue sample.
Abby Sciuto: Where'd you get it?
Dr. Donald Mallard: A body exhumed from Arlington. Oh, you look overwhelmed.
Abby Sciuto: I am. And this just came in from the field. Gibbs wants me to run prints on it ASAP.
Dr. Donald Mallard: It appears to be $1.65. Well, this poor fellow's been dead for thirty-six years. I doubt a few more days will matter.


"NCIS: Sins of the Father (#9.10)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: At the moment, Tony is understating Senior's proclivity for misguided adventure.
Abby Sciuto: I always thought Tony was exaggerating when he tells us those insane stories about his dad.


"NCIS: Double Identity (#7.17)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Hey, what's going on with Ducky? He's acting very un-Ducky-like. Like - like, everyday he leaves for lunch. He's never done that before. I mean the Duckman is a creature of habit. He brings in his lunch, he eats it at his desk. Where is he going?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm sure he's fine.
[Looking back into her lab]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Uh, Abby, don't let that dog out of your sight.
Abby Sciuto: [Rushing back to her lab] Mortimer. That's not your bone!


"NCIS: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, I've been looking all over the building for you.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Well, since we're low on agents, I thought I would give Abby a hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The only reason we're low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: There's no sense in getting us all sick...
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] "Next time you send one of my team home, you clear it with me first, Director!"
[as Jenny]
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel, Agent Gibbs!"
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: "*Your* personnel?"
[as Jenny]
Abby Sciuto: "Last time I checked, it said Director on *my* door, not yours!"
[to both of them, as herself]
Abby Sciuto: The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight.


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: Hey, did he try to pick a fight with you in the Squad room?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, he was just being...
Abby Sciuto: Unseasonably and unreasonably rude!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. He's being a father-in-law-to-be.
Abby Sciuto: Well, if he knows what's good for him, he won't come within 20 feet of my leaves of green.


"NCIS: High Seas (#1.6)" (2003)
Agent Caitlin Todd: How long did Burley work here?
Abby Sciuto: Five years.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Five years with Gibbs. Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, nothing, boss, just praising your communication skills.


"NCIS: Kill Screen (#8.16)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: Gotta start somewhere.
[Holding up a jar for McGee's defense fund]
Abby Sciuto: Pony up. McGee is not going to jail if I can help it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh McGee's not going to jail, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Can you say that will 100% accuracy.
[pause. Gibbs puts some money in the jar]
Abby Sciuto: All right, now on to the case.


"NCIS: Devil's Triad (#11.10)" (2013)
Abby Sciuto: I cracked the suspect's cell phone! There are *boatloads* of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife. I mean this stuff is kinkier than 50 Shades of Grey. You have got to come see this!
[Realizes who is in the Squad room]
Abby Sciuto: Fornell... Ex-Wife... Daughter... Heh Oop.
Diane Sterling: [Fornell races to Abby's lab] YOU GET BACK HERE OR I WILL SMASH EVERY COMPUTER IN THAT LAB.
[Diane chases after Fornell]
Abby Sciuto: [Abby chases after Diane] DON'T YOU TOUCH MY BABIES!
Emily Fornell: [to Gibbs] Can I apply for asylum?


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: I talked to Ziva yesterday.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that one coming.
Abby Sciuto: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would Ziva care we knew that you bowl with nuns?


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Enter the lab] Hey Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey.
[Abby holds up an evidence bag]
Abby Sciuto: Gold reales and sunken treasure. All taken from Jensen's storage lock up. Pretty cool. Almost makes up for the way I feel. Although I hear you're having your own personnel problems with...
[Notices someone else entered with Gibbs]
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Special Agent Abigail Borin.
Abby Sciuto, CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Abby.
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: So Abby, what do you got?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Other than like a five alarm migraine.


"NCIS: Cover Story (#4.20)" (2007)
[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
[gasps]
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.


"NCIS: Devil's Trifecta (#10.9)" (2012)
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [Referring to Diane] It's getting late - with Lambert on the loose, she should probably sleep at your house tonight. I'll talk to you later.
[Tries to leave quickly. Gibbs stops him]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, you're right. She shouldn't be alone. And since you married her last, I think that means your place.
Abby Sciuto: [Watching from the side,] This is gonna be good.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I've got no clean sheets.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My heater's broken.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I've got toxic black mold in my kitchen.
Timothy McGee: I'll let these two figure it out since I know the one place she's definitely *not* staying.
[Gibbs and Fornell turn and face McGee]


"NCIS: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: My Army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Isn't an army rank. It's actually navy.


"NCIS: New Orleans: Sister City: Part 2 (#2.12)" (2016)
Dwayne Pride: You can think about everything I just said. However, I'm the least of your worries.
[Pride dials a number. Over the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Hello, Dwayne?
Dwayne Pride: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: *Please* tell me my brother is there.
Dwayne Pride: Yeah, he's right here.
[Pride puts the phone down in front of Luca]


"NCIS: Flesh and Blood (#7.12)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Maybe Tony didn't have a mother. Maybe he was cloned.
Dr. Donald Mallard: There certainly is a strong familial resemblance.


"NCIS: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.


"NCIS: Defiance (#8.15)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: [DiNozzo doesn't want to donate blood] I don't understand. You donated your sperm when you were in college.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, it's a much more pleasurable delivery system.


"NCIS: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He's Kamual? He would have had to start when he was 8 years old!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.
Abby Sciuto: [gasp] I love "The Princess Bride"! "No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."
[Gibbs and Fornell stare blankly at both of them]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [chuckles] Ah, the Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him "Roberts," then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamual that sells the business.


"NCIS: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
Officer Ziva David: You can beat a polygraph.
Abby Sciuto: No you can't!
Officer Ziva David: I've done it, Abby. It's part of Mossad training. All you have to do is...
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Oi. Hello! If it's unethical I can't hear it.
Officer Ziva David: WELL DON'T LISTEN!
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: [puts fingers in ears] la la la la la go ahead la la la la


"NCIS: Enemies Domestic (#8.9)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: [about Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, how many people know how to build a homemade claymore mine?
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: In this room?
[the Mossad Officers, Ziva and Abby all raise their hands]
Abby Sciuto: Okay. Fine.


"NCIS: Enigma (#1.15)" (2004)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We need to talk to you, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: About what you're not telling us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We know you made contact with Colonel Ryan.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tony lifted your cell phone while you were charging it today. You received a phone call last night around 1900 from a bar payphone in Georgetown, McPhinley's Pub.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lifted my cell phone?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Borrowed. But, uh... we showed your photo and Ryan's to the bartender this afternoon.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He remembered seeing the both of you between 2100 and 2130.
Abby Sciuto: Which explains why you knew Ryan had been in the country more than two days.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You borrowed my cell phone?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Look, we understand the situation and we just wanna help.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We can't back your play if we don't know what it is.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Now, let me get this straight. W-what you're saying is you stole my cell phone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think next time, we can skip the cell phone part, Kate.


"NCIS: Kill Chain (#11.12)" (2014)
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee, who has just walked in wearing a tux] McGee! You look like the top of a wedding cake.
Timothy McGee: Thank you, I think.


"NCIS: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: I was just about to call Tony and McGee. I think they were having sex.
Officer Ziva David: Tony and McGee?


"NCIS: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Speaking from *personal* experience, Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: That's why I'm *never* getting married.


"JAG: Meltdown (#8.21)" (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you got for me?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I tested the sediment of the fibers in the cover. There were high concentrations of quartz, feldspar, and kaloinite.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I flunked Earth science, Abby.


"NCIS: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane. Along with 2 bodies and all the evidence. And now it is mine. It is *all* mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva David: Or who killed them?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby Sciuto: Sure, uh, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.


"NCIS: Bikini Wax (#2.18)" (2005)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Does that say "Sex Wax"?
Abby Sciuto: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How does it work?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.


"NCIS: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)
[Gibbs walks in to the lab, Bert the stuffed animal farts]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was the stuffed animal! Right, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: What stuffed animal?


"NCIS: Jet Lag (#7.13)" (2010)
Dr. Donald Mallard: [as Gibbs is leaving] Yeah, it's been a long time since I visited Paris. Or - or went to the theatre.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs stops and turns around] YOu asking me on a date, Duck?
Abby Sciuto: [Over the computer] Can I come too?


"NCIS: Cabin Fever (#12.15)" (2015)
Abby Sciuto: [in the bullpen, McGee has her on speakerphone] Which one of you wants to be "Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs!"?


"NCIS: Spider and the Fly (#8.1)" (2010)
Abby Sciuto: Ducky, what if this doesn't work? What's going to happen to Gibbs?
Dr. Donald Mallard: In 1940, Winston Churchill sat in his bunker, smoking one of those majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating London. 'Let us, therefore, brace ourselves to our duties' he said over the radio, 'and so bare ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say 'this was their finest hour''. The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.


"NCIS: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Poison. Both Kai's .22 rounds and the rifle slugs were dipped in a lethal toxin called Atropa Belladona.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Never trust a beautiful woman.


"NCIS: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No costume this year, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Oh. After last years Jonas brothers debacle, Vance banned costumes, McGee - skinny jeans - didn't work.


"NCIS: Ships in the Night (#8.11)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs did you know that the Coast Guard has a long tradition of having an animal mascot on the ship with them. And - and they're so beloved that they're enlisted. They have their own service and medical records, and sometimes even their own bunk. It's cool, huh? How come NCIS doesn't have a mascot?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We do, Abs. - You.
Abby Sciuto: Oh.


"NCIS: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [as Abby works on her Mass Spectrometer] Broken?
Abby Sciuto: Does a baby change its own diapers? Nay. Does it burp and feed itself? I don't think so. It takes a lot of TLC to keep my children happy and fully functioning in the Lab of Abby or Labby as I like to call it.


"NCIS: Devil's Triangle (#9.7)" (2011)
Abby Sciuto: Took you long enough.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What do you got?
Abby Sciuto: Questions, and a lot of them.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shoot.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, first up: how quickly after you and Diane got divorced did she start dating Fornell? Because that must've been you know - awkward.
[Gibbs stares at Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Heh. Um okay, we'll just - we'll just circle back to that one. Question number 2: Were you jealous?
[Gibbs stares at Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Okay, so I see you're not ready to talk about this yet. Um, could I get a - a do-over?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs leaves the lab, then re-enters] What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Security footage.


"NCIS: Sub Rosa (#1.7)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: Is Agent McGee cute?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can a guy be cute to you without body art?
Abby Sciuto: Sure... I'm not a snob.


"NCIS: Guilty Pleasure (#7.19)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's good work.
[Gibbs tries to hug Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Wait... Could you give McGee my hug today? Because he really needs one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Gibbs turns and looks at McGee] ... I'm good Boss.


"NCIS: Cadence (#12.14)" (2015)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Let's track Wallace's movements after he went UA.
Abby Sciuto: His cell phone's off.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then, uh... can we hack into, uh... his GPS REM thingy? And back trace his memory deal?
Abby Sciuto: Um. None of those things are... things, Gibbs. And one of them is a band.


"NCIS: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: [giddy] Sex. Mold sex. It's practically mold porn.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this is not just another random suspect. This guy is very bad news. If something were to happen to you, I'd...
Abby Sciuto: [Long pause] You'd what McGee?
[They hug]


"NCIS: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you saying Zach is a mini-me?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! I am so impressed with your pop culture reference!


"NCIS: Legend: Part 1 (#6.22)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: [Speaking of Agent Macy] You know her. Not a question, Gibbs. You know her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You find out anything, Abs, you contact me first. And then you can send it on to her.
Abby Sciuto: Are you going somewhere?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, that's why I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby Sciuto: Into the lioness's den?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs kisses Abby on the cheek] I'm taking McGee.
[Gibbs starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs... It's just... last time you guys went to LA, one of you didn't come back.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll bring him back, Abs.
[Gibbs leaves]
Abby Sciuto: Just... make sure you bring yourself back too.