Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs
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Quotes for
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Character)
from "NCIS" (2003)

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"NCIS: The Truth Is Out There (#1.17)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: So, what about you, Gibbs? You got any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I don't have time for fetishes.

Abby Sciuto: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain... circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby Sciuto: Okay... maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -...
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby Sciuto: There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Stories are pretty consistent.
Gibbs: A little too consistent.
Tony: You think they're lying?
Gibbs: I think they're well-rehearsed.

Abby Sciuto: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: What're we looking for?
Gibbs: Answers.
[Gibbs walks away]
Tony: You got plans tonight?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Not really.
Tony: Good. 'Cause the last time Gibbs was like this, I didn't go home for a week.
Agent Caitlin Todd: The sad part? That would actually be an improvement over my social life.

Tony: Forty mile zone ended two miles back, boss. Limit here's sixty-five. I only mention it 'cause you usually drive faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr... Boss?
Gibbs: What?
Tony: You wanna stop for a burger?

Abby Sciuto: I dunno. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped.
[pause]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby Sciuto: Does Tony know that YOU know?

Tony: Yeah. Wonder what they were looking for.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Wonder if they found it.
Gibbs: I wonder when you two guys are gonna stop yakking and get to work.

Tony: This guy was way into reality shows. Real World. Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Geez, Gibbs, even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: Punk'd is an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera?
Tony: What's Candid Camera?

Abby Sciuto: It's gray latex.
Gibbs: Rubber?
Abby Sciuto: One and the same.
Gibbs: Probably couldn't be used as a hat.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, well, not if you grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby Sciuto: This program rocks. It includes vall, fall, yacht, tip over, rollover, combined speed, linear momentum...
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, c'mon, Gibbs. You know you love it when I talk tech.

[Ducky always goes off on a tangent]
Abby Sciuto: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock...
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.

Gibbs: Funny thing about stereos... You can't hear the music unless the speakers are connected.

Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby Sciuto: Charcoal.

[the team has no active leads to follow]
Tony: What do we do?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Same thing Deep Throat told Woodward and Bernstein. Follow the money.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky. Got some good news for me?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That depends on your definition of good news.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not the answer I was looking for.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to me about this case, Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, it's an odd one. Yes, our young friend here expired at approximately one a.m.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do we have an ID?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, Petty Officer First Class Chris Gordon. He's a SK stationed at Pax River.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All this happened from him falling out of the ceiling?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Hardly. He suffered multiple traumatic injuries. His fall through the ceiling only added insult to injury.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still waiting for the odd part.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone dressed him after he was killed.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's odd.


"NCIS: Hung Out to Dry (#1.2)" (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby Sciuto: Definitely.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I get to do forensics?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Then we got our guy.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. All we got is a pile of dead skin. Only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, there has to be a way around that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See, NOW you're thinking like an NCIS agent.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You ever jump?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, when I get an electric shock.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He could've given Thumper a dirty chute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you say?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Ramsay could've given Thumper a sabotaged chute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you said dirty.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: With Gibbs, you never know.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Coulda happened tonight if you'd broke your neck.

Jimmy: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboard Confessional.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Emo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Emo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that... Hell. Why not? Hate to pass up the opportunity to toss a couple NCIS agents out of a plane.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Dinozzo, what're you doin'?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just doin' a little research for Abby.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For Abby?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, maybe I'm servin' two masters.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're servin' one, now.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: How did you get into NCIS?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I smiled?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that want a kick in the ass on the ground.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ID withheld...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probably the reason you married her. I mean, she probably hid her real personality as most women do, and by that time it was too late because you'd already... I'm gonna shut up now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Now?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You knew Lt. Roberts wasn't going to lawyer us access to the Military DNA Database.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did I?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You did. So why go through the exercise?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, I come from a long line of horse traders. First Rule: You pick the best horse in the barn and you work the deal until it bursts.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That way when you go for the second best nag you get her for a song.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The search authorization...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We didn't have probable cause, but the Lieutenant, he's a man who aims to please. You never work the system when you can work the people.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Did any of those horse traders get hung?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, a few.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, my dad gave me a power sander for my birthday. I don't really power sand much. You're welcome to it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aside from that bare bulb there and the plug going to that idiot box, you see a power cord around here anywhere?

[Gibbs is finishing Billy's treehouse]
Billy Fuentes: Can I come up?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got a password?
Billy Fuentes: Yes, sir. "Semper fi."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiling] That's a good password.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We know that nine parachutes were rigged to fail. The killer doctored them and repacked them. Sergeant Fuentes died as a result of that. That's premeditated murder.
Lt. Bud Roberts: I'm sold. Hey, If I'm on the jury, you got my vote.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We found DNA evidence on the chute deployment bag knots.
Lt. Bud Roberts: Belonging to your suspect?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We believe so. To be certain, we have to access the Armed Forces Registry.
Lt. Bud Roberts: That's impossible. The registry was set up to identify remains only.
[nods towards Gibbs]
Lt. Bud Roberts: He knows that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [playing dumb] I do?
Lt. Bud Roberts: He tried to use it when he went after Commander Rabb for murder.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He get him?
Lt. Bud Roberts: No, because he wasn't guilty. You couldn't use the DNA registry then, what makes you think you can use it now?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You, Lieutenant. You're a smart lawyer, and you know the law.
Lt. Bud Roberts: I know why I'm here.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, I hope you do. I requested you.
Lt. Bud Roberts: Yeah, you requested me because you think you can work me, like you did last time when I ratted out Commander Rabb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You did not rat on anyone. You told the truth.
[Gibbs scratches at the shoulder of Bud's jacket]
Lt. Bud Roberts: I, uh, gave my uniform an extra lint roll this morning, Agent Gibbs. And you waltzing around in my blind spot? Not going to intimidate me this time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're at twenty-four hours now. And soon it's going to be forty-eight. You've done investigations, you know what that means.
Lt. Bud Roberts: I've done JAGman investigations, sure. At forty-eight hours, your evidence begins to degrade, disappear. Witnesses change their stories, suspects improve theirs. I... I know.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: So help us.
Lt. Bud Roberts: No! Hey, you... you're not going to get me to lawyer you past an iron-clad prohibition that prevents tapping into DNA records that were designed to identify bodies, not chase suspects.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This guy is guilty. He killed him. Let him drop to his death from thirteen hundred feet.
Lt. Bud Roberts: It doesn't matter.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For every legal firewall, there is a way around it.
Lt. Bud Roberts: I can't help you. And can I please have my pen back?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure you can. You're gonna need it. Because if I can't have my DNA, I'm gonna need some search authorizations signed.

Capt. Faul: You JAG or NCIS?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I look like a lawyer?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: "Scuttlebutt"?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's Marine for water cooler gossip.


"NCIS: Left for Dead (#1.10)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: According to you or me?

[Tony needs a place to stay for the night]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF - and they're all B's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

[talking about his eyesight instead of working]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: 20/10, same as Ted Williams. He could see the seams on a fastball coming at him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How 'bout knuckles?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, I don't answer forensics questions I don't know the answers to. You know that. Why do you keep asking me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Force of habit.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She's bonding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate and Jane Doe?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet. Her eyes pleaded for help.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Love that look in a woman.

Abby Sciuto: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby Sciuto: Have you ever seen one? Mine's *awesome!* It's 18th century French.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You have a chastity belt?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know, Abby. And not enough about this key.

Abby Sciuto: Gotcha!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby Sciuto: [mockingly] Shocking.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got all teary eyed over a body she didn't know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's a nice lady, Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah, so you keep telling me.

Dr. Stephen Bauer: You think terrorists killed him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: These days, I look for terrorists behind most everything!

Dr. Stephen Bauer: [watching the prototype search for bombs] In the beginning, she had some limited success, but Dr. Rutger has rewritten the software to
[a bomb explodes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I had a hunting dog like that once.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking of Dr Bauer] That son of a bitch is guilty as hell.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [at the crime scene] Okay, let's get to work.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't have a body!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go find one, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, how many times have we had multiple victims?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Quite right, Jethro.
[Ducky walks off. Tony chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's slick, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting Ducky off, so he won't bug us with stories about the...
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better get back to work.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [speaking of Dr. Bauer] You as sure he buried her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh Yeah!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why'd he want her dead?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got a couple of ideas.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Wanna share?
[Gibbs hangs up]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I guess not.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you got, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Motorist picked up a Jane Doe in Rock Creek Park. Claimed she dug herself out of a grave. No ID. And guess what?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She can't remember her name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. How'd you know that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, uh, she's alive and you're calling her "Jane Doe". What was my first clue?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's not very deep.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hastily-dug graves rarely are.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you know why graves are six feet deep, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, six feet is the minimum depth at which the smell of a decomposing corpse cannot attract wild animals. Of course, there are exceptions. A polar bear can smell...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, I said I knew.


"NCIS: Devil's Triangle (#9.7)" (2011)
Tobias C. Fornell: What are you doing here?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I was going to ask you the same thing.
Tobias C. Fornell: She called both of us. That can't be good.

Diane: I want you to look into it... Okay, I know what you guys are thinking, but Victor is not the kind of man to just disappear.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not sure how to say this.
Tobias C. Fornell: I do!... Look, we are not your personal buddy cop investigative service.
Diane: No, you're just my ex-husbands, and I need your help.

Tobias C. Fornell: Violent take over. 2 dead guys. Missing Homeland Security official. You know what I'm thinking?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Victor was so desperate to get away from Diane, he had himself kidnapped.

Abby Sciuto: Took you long enough.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What do you got?
Abby Sciuto: Questions, and a lot of them.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shoot.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, first up: how quickly after you and Diane got divorced did she start dating Fornell? Because that must've been you know - awkward.
[Gibbs stares at Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Heh. Um okay, we'll just - we'll just circle back to that one. Question number 2: Were you jealous?
[Gibbs stares at Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Okay, so I see you're not ready to talk about this yet. Um, could I get a - a do-over?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs leaves the lab, then re-enters] What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Security footage.

Tobias C. Fornell: Where's Gibbs?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Down in Abby's lab.
Tobias C. Fornell: Where's... her?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Diane's getting something to eat.
Tobias C. Fornell: Hope she kills it first.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, she's pretty fiery. Can't be all bad, you married her.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Don't remind him.

Leon Vance: Did you ask his wife about the money?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not yet.
Leon Vance: Are you going to?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, Tobias C. Fornell: He can.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't think she knows about it.
Leon Vance: Well, have fun finding out, Agent Fornell. I spoke to your boss. We have a dead Naval Reservist, but kidnapping is your territory.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Fine with me.
Leon Vance: Agent Fornell will take the l-? Excuse me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Works for me.
Tobias C. Fornell: Well, it doesn't for me. Any chance we can flip for it?
Leon Vance: No. National Security trumps your ex-wife issues. She can't be all bad, you married her.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [to a dead body] For instance, in Ireland, divorce wasn't legalized until 1997.
Tobias C. Fornell: [Gibbs and Fornell enter] Thank God I'm not Irish. Can you imagine being stuck with her?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't have to imagine. We are, unless you can pull a rabbit out of that body.

Tobias C. Fornell: Wait. Wait. Wait. She may be the spawn of Satan, but she's also the mother of my child. *No way* Diane's involved.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule 69: Never trust a woman who doesn't trust her man.

Diane: Have you just been waiting all these years? An opportunity to twist the knife in.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. No. That's your specialty.
Diane: You way of getting even for leaving you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Should give you a medal.
Diane: Yeah, well if there is a medal, I do deserve it - for staying so long. You know it isn't easy being a human anti-depressant. What? You didn't think I knew? You just married me to get over Shannon... Sorry. That- that was. I'm scared, Leroy.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: NCIS!
Tobias C. Fornell: FBI!
Victor Sterling: DSC!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: DSC?
Victor Sterling: Data Storage Co-Ordinator. Department of Homeland Security. Leroy? Tobias?

Victor Sterling: Not too bad for two guys who missed the wedding.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, Tobias C. Fornell: [Gibbs and Fornell exchange glances then turn to Victor] Work.
Victor Sterling: You're forgiven.

Victor Sterling: [Diane enters Interogation. Victor rises] Diane, I am so glad to see you.
Diane: You get the Hell away from me! Two million dollars? And I've been worried about how we're going to pay the mortgage!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Victor looks at Gibbs and Fornell] You're on your own.
Diane: Well?
Victor Sterling: It's family money.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Condom underneath the fold? Really, Tobias?
Tobias C. Fornell: Same one I had in college. I never used it. I just like what it represents.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hope?

Leon Vance: Next part of this investigation is going to step on a lot of toes. You left me a bone sandwich, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, I cut the crust off for you.
Leon Vance: FBI does have the lead. Good luck, Agent Fornell.
Tobias C. Fornell: Thanks.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, cheer up, Tobias. At least you'll never have to talk with Diane again.
Tobias C. Fornell: I have a child with her.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh that's right. Guess I won't have to.

Diane: Would you tell Tobias, I never meant to hurt him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah, he knows - I think.
Diane: I really liked him. But I never should have married him. I didn't love him. Just like you never loved me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I liked you... I still do.
Diane: But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon.
[Diane hands something to Gibbs]
Diane: You were my Shannon, Leroy.
[Gibbs looks at his grandfather's watch]


"NCIS: Marine Down (#1.9)" (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Morning! Sleep well?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: If by well, you mean violently throwing up all night and bouncing around like rag dolls...

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I haven't got high enough clearance to access those records.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's your clearance?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Confidential.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! That's funny, Kate. No, I screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent Tony DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: To prove that I'm still alive.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [woman is buried with her dog] Must've been one lonely old lady.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or one pissed off poodle.

Jack Kenton: I can't believe you trusted me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You sound just like my ex-wife.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Name one.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The man's been married, like, four times.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There is that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There is what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those LESs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, we don't have time for stories on this one.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Fine. But first I have a question: do you people find me... boring?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking simultaneously with the others] No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Absolutely not.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Can we get back to this now?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wanna know why.
Lieutenant Colonel Walsh: That makes two of us, Agent Gibbs. Do you think I like get Marines back in boxes?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why don't we start with Major Kidwell, and Peary. How they died.
Lieutenant Colonel Walsh: That's need to know.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust me. I *need* to know!
Lieutenant Colonel Walsh: Unfortunately it seems, I don't! Their records are sealed, and every inquiry I've made has been shot down!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Our major appears to be in perfect health.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Except for the part where he's dead.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after the suspect escapes in an armored car] That's twice! Next time, you are MINE!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Uh, Gibbs, is there anything you wanna tell us about?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got shot at by our fake colonel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [rising up] No way! Did you nail him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The question now: is what happened to Major Peary? Is he still alive?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There's an easy way to check.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What? You think Mrs. Peary's just gonna give us permission to dig up his grave?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know, Kate. I wasn't planning on asking her.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tired Kate?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: It's 3 AM, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better get moving then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On what?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Need to know where the newspaper was published that was found in Kidwell.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tonight?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Technically speaking, it's this morning.

CIA Director Bob: Those are pretty BOLD accusations, Agent Gibbs. Do you have any proof of this?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Major Peary wasn't in his grave. And Kidwell was alive four days ago. You tell me, sir.
NCIS Director Tom Morrow: Where is he now, Bob?
CIA Director Bob: [clears his throat] Well, now, on his was back to Colombia. Look, if this turns out to be true, WE will handle this! I do not need NCIS to play Internal Affairs for my agency!
NCIS Director Tom Morrow: Understood.
[the MTAC feed closes. Turns to Gibbs]
NCIS Director Tom Morrow: Go get our Marine!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We got their R.U.C. number but they're not listed in the Marine Corps Database.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wouldn't be they weren't working for the Corps. *Definitely* C.I.A.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, how do you know that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How many agencies you know that drive economy-class armored cars?... Come on, Ducky wants to talk to us.
[Gibbs walks away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's *really* pissed off!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What? How can you tell?
[Tony glares at Kate shakes his head then walks away]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: ...I *really* need to get better at reading men!


"NCIS: Reveille (#1.23)" (2004)
Gibbs: [Gibbs is working on his boat while the TV in the background mentions Ari Haswari's failed mission] Suspected drug dealers. Whose idea was that?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Secret Service.
Gibbs: They give Ari his get out of jail for free pass too?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Nah, CIA did that. All the Directors agreed, including yours. Ari's father was Mossad, probably knocked his mother up to get a son with Arab blood. Sent him to medical school to vet him as a doctor in Gaza. This guy's been a sleeper all his life.
Gibbs: [deadpan] Well, I'd like to put him in a coma.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Al Qaeda fronted this Hamas op. Ari was just having to do what'd make his bones with 'em.
Gibbs: [uncompromising on his answer] You tell that to Gerald.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You forget I lost a man and had three wounded.
Gibbs: No, but it seems you did.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know better than that.
Gibbs: There's a line, Tobias. That bastard crossed it. You don't make your bones shooting friends.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: What d'you want him to do. He's in Al Qaeda.
Gibbs: [smacks boat hard] *I don't know!*

Gibbs: [entering the NCIS morgue to meet with the terrorist Ari Haswari, opens a body bag containing Marta's body, one of Ari's partners] She was beautiful.
Ari Haswari: Very.
Gibbs: [noticing that Ari is unmoved] Did you make love to her and then blow her brains out?
Ari Haswari: She would do the same to me.
Gibbs: Why do you do this?
Ari Haswari: The same reason you do.
Gibbs: I don't think so.
Ari Haswari: Then you're lying to yourself.
Gibbs: What now? You go back to the Middle East? Tell them that Marta was Mossad and she blew the op?
Ari Haswari: Yes.
Gibbs: Two out failures in a row. I'd axe your ass if you worked for me.
Ari Haswari: People who blow themselves apart to kill their enemies have lower expectations.
Gibbs: How do you sell Marta as a double agent?
Ari Haswari: My men the FBI permitted to escape, they know the effort I put into this operation, buying Smokey Sams, kidnapping Agent Todd so I could identify Marine 1, and when they search Marta's apartment they will find money and documents traceable to Mossad. Hamas will believe me. Al Quaeda is more wary.
Gibbs: They don't believe you, you're dead.
Ari Haswari: Yes. And if they do I may learn what they plan as the next 9/11. Would you risk losing that opportunity over pride?
Gibbs: [wanting revenge] It's not pride.
Ari Haswari: If not pride then what? Love of country? Sense of duty? I'm sure they exist in you, but what burns is pride my friend. Shalom.
Gibbs: [as Ari leaves Gibbs shoots him point blank in the shoulder, just as Ari did with Gerald earlier] Just wanted to help you convince Al Quaeda.
[Gibbs leaves calmly while Ari laughs at Gibbs resolve]

Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?
Tony: Because we don't know his name?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it *today!* And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I was working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
DiNozzo: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
DiNozzo: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

[Gibbs spent the night in his office chair]
Abby Sciuto: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No, I would not!
Abby Sciuto: I didn't think so.

Gibbs: [to Kate] Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Gibbs: Where's Kate and Tony?
Timothy McGee: Went to lunch with Ducky.
Gibbs: When?
Timothy McGee: Uh... about an hour... or so... ago.
Gibbs: I want "or so" in minutes, McGee.

Gibbs: DiNozzo comes back, put him under house arrest.
Timothy McGee: [Gibbs strides off. McGee is clearly disconcerted] Me?

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.
Gibbs: If I get paid back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are *you* asking me this and not my director?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He refused to.
Gibbs: [Gibbs finally laughs] Yeah.

[a furious Gibbs is sanding his boat, producing clouds of sawdust]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [coughing] How the hell do you breathe in all this dust?
Gibbs: I don't.

[last lines]
Gibbs: [to Ari] Just wanted to help you convince Al Qaeda.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee said you were looking for me. Actually he said I was under house arrest. I figured it was your way of making a point.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About up to my knees?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, so you're familiar with this creek?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to profile a terrorist.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What terrorist?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The one you couldn't stab.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [uncomfortable pause] Ducky tell you that?


"NCIS: Yankee White (#1.1)" (2003)
Agent Caitlin Todd: I can't give him Air Force One floor plans! They're top secret!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come on. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Agent Caitlin Todd: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Double check.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Look, don't dismiss me like that! Okay? I earned my jockstrap!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? Does it ever give that empty feeling?
Agent Caitlin Todd: What?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your jockstrap.
Agent Caitlin Todd: No. Like some species of frogs, I grow what I need.

NCIS Director Tom Morrow: Did you really have to slam the door on the F.B.I.?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There were more of them than us.
NCIS Director Tom Morrow: There's always more of them than us. What about this Secret Service agent? She willing to stand up to the F.B.I.?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. She's got balls.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do believe this is a dead Naval Officer.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Onboard Air Force One.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I did, rather.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey! Cockpit's on the top deck.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I knew that.

Secret Service Agent William Baer: I'm going to be doing paperwork for a week.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah me too.
Secret Service Agent William Baer: Agent Todd told me about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you accepting?
Secret Service Agent William Baer: Of course she broke the rules.
[Holds out his hand to shake Gibbs' hand]
Secret Service Agent William Baer: Well thank you Special Agent Gibbs
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs smiles] No thank you.
[Gibbs runs to catch up with Kate]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I heard you quit Agent Todd.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Happy news gets around fast. Yes I resigned. It was the right thing to do.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep, pull that crap at NCIS and I won't give you a chance to resign.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Is that a job offer?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [answering his cell phone] Hello?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're in the clear. You can get out of the body bag.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not sure I want to.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why? You gotta search Commander Trapp's apartment tonight.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, Gibbs, come on. It's one a.m.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent Axelrod is trailing you to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's funny, Gibbs. Real funny. Especially since...
[sounds of Tony's groans of pain]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [closing his phone] I guess they found him.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They've got to be after the president. What would killing the ball carrier give them?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Nothing. Another aide steps in.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [realizing] And another plane. This plane. They forced the president to fly his backup.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Well, security's exactly the same.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But the plane isn't. And I'll bet security isn't either until the president's on board. Al-Qaeda has to have planted something on this plane.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Okay, it can't be a bomb. They would have detonated it by now.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You said the locks were different.
Agent Caitlin Todd: 29 has digital ones. This plane has keys.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Armory. The armory. They have keys to the armory. They copied the movie, they vetted a reporter.
Agent Caitlin Todd: No, that would take years.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So did setting up 9/11.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When's the president returning?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Uh, tomorrow, noon. I'm flying back tonight to rejoin the detail.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mind if I tag along?
[Kate rolls her eyes and smirks, considering]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiles] Please?
Agent Caitlin Todd: You can. Your SIG-Sauer can't. We have a rule: no weapons on Air Force One unless you're Secret Service.
[Gibbs locks his sidearm in a drawer, and follows Kate to the elevator]
Abby Sciuto: Wow... Gibbs said "please."


"NCIS: Eye Spy (#1.11)" (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You know, I bet this is why your second wife came after you with a nine iron, isn't it. You just refused to sit down and... talk things through.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Oh? So what was it, then?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A seven iron.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [after Tony throws himself in front of a wave. Tony stands up shivering] You okay? What is it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shrinkage.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still in touch with your old NASA boyfriend?
Abby Sciuto: He *wasn't* a boyfriend. He was a *boytoy*! And yes, we IM everyday.

Worth: What's NCIS?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Navy Criminal Investigative Service.
Worth: [trns and walks away from Kate] I've got nothing to talk to you about.
[walks up the stairs and is met by Gibbs]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs, the same agency you haven't heard of before, only I don't take it personally any more.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think he had concerns about performance.
CIA Director Roper: Well you're WRONG!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [turning to Kate] I try so *hard*... not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.

Ben Richmond: Are you insinuating I had something to do with Tom Egan's death?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I Kate?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, all I'm doing now is taking your records.
Ben Richmond: I'm calling my legal counsel!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I would bet that he would insinuate plenty.

Gina: I just really hate tanlines, don't you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about that.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still *don't* believe she knew about her husband's affair?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The wife's always the last one to know, Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't believe it!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well let's just say that she's more appealing from a distance... a geosynchronous distance.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: She didn't look to bad to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's *not* that. She's just not my *type*.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [slight chuckle] Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess not.

CIA Assistant Director Jonathan Overmeier: I'm not denying we have the capability, but you know as well as I do it would be a *violation* of CIA *mandate* to operate domestically.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Right.
[slight chuckle]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never do anything illegal. We have the same Uncle writing our paychecks. We do what we do to get the job done.
CIA Assistant Director Jonathan Overmeier: I appreciate the sentiment, Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't have the need to know why you have a satellite pointed at Little Creek. I have a murder to solve. I could use your help.
CIA Assistant Director Jonathan Overmeier: There's nothing I can do to help you Special Agent Gibbs.
[rising up]
CIA Assistant Director Jonathan Overmeier: If you'll excuse me.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as they're about to talk to Lt. Egan] No matter how many times I do this, it never gets any easier.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We should have had DiNozzo handle this interview.
[Gibbs stares at Kate]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Just kidding!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Somebody who likes to be naked isn't your type, DiNozzo?


"NCIS: Moonlighting (#7.20)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You spent like 6 hours online last night. You need to unplug. Talk to real people.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, these are real people, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: *Living* breathing people with lungs and skin you can touch and interact with. Gotta find you one of those.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Yeah, well. I got one of the other kind. Petty Officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
Jimmy Palmer: [Excitedly] Oh all right!... That is not an appropriate reaction, is it?

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He was thrown in alive?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty Officer was trying to be a good samaritan.
Jimmy Palmer: No good deed goes unpunished.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Did you start looking... after we saw the judge... or before?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Before.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Right...
[to Gibbs]
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I was being facetious.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So was I.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [to Gibbs] You have a surveillance camera in the Conference Room now? Hope you don't have one in the elevator.
Leon Vance: We don't. Not yet at least, Agent Fornell. How can I help you?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Borrow your TV.
Leon Vance: And my copy of Emily Post. Door was closed.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You know what my problem is? My only suspect makes 30 grand a year, and he just spent $40,000 on damn new fishing boat!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as Gibbs is about take a polygraph] Where are you thinking of clipping that thing?
NCIS Agent Susan Grady: Uh, it's for the sphincter sensor.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [laughing] Oh geez!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You still investigating those mob hits?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hence the undercover beard. I'm worried. If it gets a little bigger...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: People are gonna start thinking you're Kenny Rogers.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: The hits.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm gonna start calling you the Gambler.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty officer washed up on a Maryland beach. Grab your stuff.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh all right!
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: That is not an appropriate reaction is it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know, Boss. I'm as shocked as you are, but *Ziva* invited the Gremlin up here.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't get him wet.

Bill: Gnarly, dude!
Ted: Yeah, for real.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Words. Use 'em! Helpful ones.
Ted: We're sleeping in our van, yo, right. And we hear "Bam! Bam! Boom! Boom! Crack! Crack!"
Bill: Gun shots, dude. That's what I said. I was like "Dude, gunshots!" Right?
Ziva David: So you're saying there were 6 gunshots.
Bill: No, two gunshots, but there was like an echo. And he was like "Dude, don't look", but I was like "Dude we're lookin'!"
Ted: Yeah, and then we like peeked through the windows. And we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Two? You're sure it wasn't an echo?
Bill: Yeah, two dudes.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [ID'ing a second victim at their crime scene] Well, no names coming up in AFIS. Oh, wait a second, boss. We've got a red flag here. It says to contact the FBI.
Ziva David: I think I recognize this guy. Isn't it...?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stefano Delmar.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Organized crime. Up-and-comer. Our petty officer stumbled onto a hit.

NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I'm an 080 security specialist, not a full-time agent. I got clearance from the director before I started freelancing.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Wait. Director Vance knows?
NCIS Agent Susan Grady: No, this was Director Shepard. This was, I think, February of '08.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Susan, you're not in trouble.
NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I know I'm not in trouble. I haven't broken any regulations.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then stop acting defensive.
NCIS Agent Susan Grady: I'm not acting! I'm genuinely feeling on the defensive. You have a very off-putting way of putting people... you know, off.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to their murder suspect] You really think you're such a natural that you didn't leave behind a single red hair? You never faced your victims, but you still murdered them.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know, it doesn't matter that you think they had it coming. You were appointed judge. Not jury and executioner.


"NCIS: One Last Score (#8.17)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I shower 3 times a week... like Brad Pitt. Preserves my natural aroma.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boy, Director Vance wasn't kidding about making changes.
Ziva David: We are going to lose some people
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Elevator door opens revealing Gibbs] We already have. NCIS investigative assistant found dead in the garage. Good you got your gear. Come on, let's go.
[Everyone enters the elevator]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Somebody stinks.

Leon Vance: You knocked.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Trying to stay on your good side.
Leon Vance: What? Is that so hard?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, it has been - lately.

Leon Vance: You think this could be a case of wrong place at the wrong time?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'll let you know.
[Starts to leave]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Leon, any of these personnel decisions affect my team?
Leon Vance: I'll let you know.

Leona Phelps: If I have to play another damn game of volleyball, I'm gonna strangle someone.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, that'd be good. Get you a nice room in supermax.
Leona Phelps: Yet another cheap suit Hellbent on railroading me into a conviction. And they say money is supposed to buy justice.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Clearly can't buy class.
Leona Phelps: [to Gibbs] Am I talking to you or your acid tongued little errand boy?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Finding Gibbs in the warehouse] Hey boss, couldn't call ahead?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nope. I came in the same way they came in. The heist isn't coming. The already pulled it off.

Leona Phelps: I was robbed?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Would you like to file a claim?
Leona Phelps: Against you? For damages? Sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, for you loss. We'll need to know what was in there.

Leon Vance: You don't make deals, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This one's a steal.

Ziva David: You know it seems unfair, you get to go home for giving us the name of a man who was recently murdered.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Deal's a deal, Ziva.
Leona Phelps: You gotta muzzle your pups, Gibbs. They all seem to have a problem with barking.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, this one's problem is definitely her bite.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You would've made a great director, boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, already got one of those.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Do you need any help with the...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I can play a DVD, McGee.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So, exactly what happened?
Jason: Um, well, we were at Paul's birthday party at the, uh, at the pizza place. And uh, me and Lauren took a step outside to, uh, get some fresh air. And she was making fun of me because I watch "Victorious" on Nickelodeon. But Victoria Justice is hot, right? So I said that, she got this crinkly face, and then I said "But not as hot as you." Then, uh, then she smiled. Then I planted one on her. And, uh, then there was tongue.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About the body, kid.
Jason: Oh, her - her body was slamming.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The dead body.
Jason: Uh, yeah. That - that kind of sucked. Because it was my first kiss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: They get better.

Leon Vance: [Gibbs enters his office after knocking] You knocked.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Trying to stay on your good side.
Leon Vance: What, is that so hard?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, it has been lately.
Leon Vance: Do you have an update on the assistant?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He helped himself to property he was supposed to be processing, including Leona Phelps.
Leon Vance: Leona Phelps is considered the Madoff of the Navy. She ran the National Armed Forced Credit Union until she segued to the private sector. She built what basically turned out to be a financial house of cards.


"NCIS: Last Man Standing (#6.1)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after McGee tells them how to locate some files] That the fastest way?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was worried you might ask me that.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: We never had this conversation.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mr. Palmer, tell Agent Gibbs he can send in the B team.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Implies there's an A team, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't there?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're all A teams.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps some even A plus.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after someone calls McGee Boss] "Boss"?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Looks up and notices Gibbs] Boss. I'm not really their Boss. They just, uh, call me that because I'm a... field agent. I carry the hand gun. It's good to see you, Boss.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: The reason I broke up your team, Gibbs, was because whoever was blackmailing Vargo was an NCIS agent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not one of mine.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: No. From what Vargo told me, I narrowed it down to three agents. Only reason I broke up your team was so I form a new one.
[turns on display with Gibbs's new team]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: So you can help me find out which one of these three is betraying their country.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We.l, it's not the same. We were a team. I would give this up in a heartbeat to be working with you and Ziva again!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And DiNozzo?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Yeah, him too.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Solve this first, then we'll talk.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva too.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah life on the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, then the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how's that scurrilous black-hearted pirate king of ours Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Well I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh... uh...
[DiNozzo slaps the back of his own head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There you go, Boss. Welcome aboard.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after ending video conversation with DiNozzo] He's insane!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.

NCIS Special Agent Brent Langer: Four months I've been sitting here fielding calls for DiNozzo. And I swear - they're all women.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: [pops up from underneath Ziva's desk] And that surprises you? Have you seen my Oman Threat Assessment?
NCIS Special Agent Brent Langer: [holds up the file] Oh, is that what this is?
[chuckles]
NCIS Special Agent Brent Langer: And I thought it was a copy for a travel brochure. Come see sunny Oman.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Give me the file, Langer. Come on.
NCIS Special Agent Brent Langer: [holds it over her head] Ooh...
NCIS Special Agent Daniel T. Keating: Give her the file, Langer.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [appears behind Brent] Give her the file, Langer.
NCIS Special Agent Daniel T. Keating: [stands at attention] Good morning, sir.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Morning, sir.
NCIS Special Agent Brent Langer: [stands lazily and hands Lee the file] Morning, sir.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So glad we all agree on something.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Abby hands him a post-it note] One... two... six.
Abby Sciuto: One hundred and twenty-six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple-digits, Gibbs. But now it's way more. It's like a third of a whole year. I miss them.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby Sciuto: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers. Tim is the only one I've seen. No Tony, no Ziva. I get postcards from Tony.
[hugs Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: I want them back, Gibbs. Please get them back.
[Abby releases him and looks at him sternly]
Abby Sciuto: You have ten days. Okay, I don't want to pressure you. So twelve. But no more than two weeks.
[Gibbs smirks and walks off]
Abby Sciuto: And stop taking the stairs!
[the elevator dings and Abby smiles]

NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Look, I know you never thought much of me as a field agent. You probably never thought much of me as a lawyer.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hmm, that's more of the profession than the person.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after learning his new field team is the target of a mole hunt] You were gonna get around to telling me?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Had no evidence. I figured I'd put you with them, your radar would go off, and one day you'd come to me and say you had a doubt about one of them.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A "doubt"? A "doubt", Leon? I got a doubt about every one of them. Got a former FBI guy who doesn't listen, got a boy genius who doesn't drive, got a lawyer who doesn't shoot.


"NCIS: Light Sleeper (#3.14)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A good investigator doesn't sit around. He assumes everything he's been told is false until it checks out. I want you to check every possible lead, every possible angle.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When you tell me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No! When you're satisfied! When YOU'RE SATISIFIED!

[last lines]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, about what happened back at the bomb...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't have to say it boss, we know how you feel about us.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs, we're a team, that's what we do.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I was going to say: If either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] That's our boss.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, I want to know about anybody in the area who's made threats against Koreans, foreign Marine wives, or women.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, is that all?
[Gibbs kicks DiNozzo's desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On it boss!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee after giving DiNozzo and Ziva their orders] Come on, you're with me Elf Lord.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're evacuating the building, boss and the a... ah... That's a really big bomb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work there.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks the back of McGee's head] She's not done yet.
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell me I didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.
Abby Sciuto: You didn't just smack McGee for no good reason.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo is talking about celebrity gossip] DiNozzo, shut up.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Shutting up, Boss.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, did you find her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, McGee. She's hiding in my coffee cup.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee] You know, the FBI does not exist solely to piss me off. Sometimes they can be useful.
[Dials his cell phone]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Fornell! I've got one right up your jurisdiction.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [about the murder weapon] Bullets?
Abby Sciuto: Um, cross-point .40-caliber Smith & Wesson, also called a "Short and Wimpy," although I do not know why.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They lack the power of a 10mm Auto load.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I guess you don't need a lot of stopping power when you're gunning down housewives.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What about gunshot residue?
Abby Sciuto: The instant shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt, and pants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could've worn gloves...
Abby Sciuto: Or he could've changed his clothes. I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That's why I'm doing a full analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: How long, Abby?
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Well it's gonna take some time. And since this stuff doesn't smell very good, I don't think laundry was a priority...
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Abs!
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Um, two hours. Whenever I know something, you'll know something.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: You got one! Anything else?
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: Yes, as a matter of fact. This is for you.
[hands Gibbs a coffee]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why?
Abby Sciuto: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in administration have wandering hands.
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you!
[as herself]
Abby Sciuto: I know you will, Gibbs. And that is why I love you.
[Gibbs gives her a peck on the cheek]


"NCIS: Seadog (#1.3)" (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The secret of a good bluff is not to bluff.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [holding a bag of money] This was found on these two boys in the cooler. It's counterfeit. It comes from a foreign government known to support terrorism. That makes you two dirtbags suspected enemy combatants under the Patriot Act. Tony, read them their rights. Put them on the first Navy transport to Gitmo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. One will not be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights you *don't* have?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
DEA Agent Kent Fuller: Asset forfeiture notice.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't you have to find drugs *first*?
DEA Agent Kent Fuller: I used to worry about rules like that, then I met you guys!

Abby Sciuto: I ran those prints through the Beareau. I got nada.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You did not have access to the full database.
Abby Sciuto: [to Fornell] You're holding out on us! That is not nice!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He could be a power company employee doing his job.
[the suspect picks up his weapon and starts shooting at them]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No! I don't think so!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How many numbers did he dial?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Six.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One more and bada-bing-bada-boom.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Lucky he wasn't phony savy.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Savy enough to wire three phones to the same number.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. What if he used speed dial?

[watching Kate and Tony argue]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why do I feel like a high school principal?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Quoting a memo] All agents, not working active cases, are to attend a sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS Human Resource Center at 0930 hours, today.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I can not sit through another one of those, I will shoot myself.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass?
[Gets a dirty look from Gibbs]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Right! Seat Belt.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How many drug dealers can you think of, that leave the body *and* the money?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.

Dr. Donald Mallard: What do we got Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander's wallet with the Sergeant's prints.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Very upset] You removed a wallet from a body without gloves!
Sergeant Linn: I had to get the vic's name.
Dr. Donald Mallard: He's not a vic! He's a victim! Where did you learn crime scene procedure? Watching Kojak reruns?


"NCIS: One Shot, One Kill (#1.13)" (2004)
[Gibbs has three ex-wives]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment. 'Cept for that minty fresh urine smell.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For your information, I have a maid now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell Fornell I say hi.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can we hurry it up. Don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You *knew* the man?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope.
[Gibbs walks away. Ducky talks to the corpse]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute *best* we have.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why are all these dolls... naked?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't ask me, Boss. Must be a Goth thing.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh boy! We've got a *major* problem!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you see?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A shooter who is highly intelligent, and methodical. Out of a thousand bricks on this wall, he only removed the one he needed.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: It would help if the investigators didn't PUKE all over the crime scene.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Memories of what?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Marriage.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our "good friends", the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ducky] Scalpel.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you think I could pass for a marine?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know, let's shave your head and find out.

Abby Sciuto: [Abby having just found a bullet in a doll's head] Ah-ha!
[Imitating Ducky]
Abby Sciuto: Gerald? To Abby, please.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Ducky know you do that?

[reviewing Alvarez' complaint file]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'll like this one, Boss. This kid wanted to be a paramedic. Alvarez promised him that the Marine Corps would train him to save lives.
[Gibbs and Tony share a laugh]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's wrong with that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're all Navy.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Technically, it is true. Marines do save lives - mostly through the use of superior firepower.

Major Dorden: Your whole plan rests on this guy believing that you're both Marines.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We have it under control, Major. She'll do fine.
Major Dorden: Well, then I'll just stay and help out. There's nothing wrong with another set of eyeballs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not a good idea. The best thing you can do is leave this to us.
Major Dorden: I lost two of my men to this psycho. You really think I'm passing up on a chance for payback?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Major, your mission is to protect our country. Our mission right now is to protect you and your Marines. Allow us the honor of doing our job.


"NCIS: Engaged (Part I) (#9.8)" (2011)
Shannon Gibbs: Now that's what I like to hear. I love it when you start something new. What do you have in mind?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm hoping the wood will tell me.
Shannon Gibbs: I hope the wood says "Roll Top Desk."
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I changed my mind. I'm thinking bed - all day - with you.
Shannon Gibbs: Gibbs...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The hardware store will be there tomorrow.
Shannon Gibbs: ...How are you going to get what you need if you don't let me go?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They were carrying six dead Marines home. Why blow up a flying hearse?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: They're sending a message.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Got the message, boss. Loud and clear.

Jimmy Palmer: They sure pack them in a lot of ice when they send them home.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Standard procedure, Mr. Palmer. Yes, these Marines made the ultimate sacrifice. The Corps takes pride in how they care of their fallen.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So do we, Duck.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is an omen, isn't it? You were sent to talk to me?
Navy Lieutenant Commander Melanie Burke: By whom?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The man upstairs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Vance?
Navy Lieutenant Commander Melanie Burke: Uh, no. I'm here to see Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd pay to hear that confession.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] What am I confessing to, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nothing boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're damn right about that.

Marine Captain Craig Quincy 2011: Flores lived for the corps. She was so proud, so dedicated. I used to say I wish I had 20 of her. Now, I wish I still had one. Until you guarantee she's not, I'm looking for a live Marine - *my* Marine.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Semper Fi, Captain.

USMC Commadant General Chuck Ellison: Well, I know she was Public Affairs in this barracks. I know she's a Marine. And I know we will do whatever it takes to find her and bring her home no matter what. No Marine is ever left behind.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No sir.
USMC Commadant General Chuck Ellison: Gibbs, I don't care if it's you, us or those jokers at the Agency.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You want answers.
USMC Commadant General Chuck Ellison: Whether she's alive or dead. I will move mountains to find First Lieutenant Flores, and bring her home. We'll do whatever it takes.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Gonna hold you to that, General.
USMC Commadant General Chuck Ellison: You have my word.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell them the Commandant of the Marine Corps needs access.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And if that doesn't work?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It'll work.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tomorrow. Go home. Get some sleep.
Ziva David: What about you? You gonna stay here work all night? 'Cause if you stay, we stay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let's not get carried away, Ziva. You heard the man.
[Ziva slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Special Agent David, you did *not* just do that.
Ziva David: I did. And I would do it again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you will not.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stand down, DiNozzo. I appreciate the offer.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, I doubt my friends here can tell you the details of her whereabouts. But feel free to ask.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't know what to ask.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Then it may be that you are talking to the wrong people. Jethro, the dead have always been kind to me. Provided the answers I have required. But if there is a possibility that First Lieutenant Flores is still alive, then perhaps these are not the ones to whom you should turn.

Marine Captain Craig Quincy 2011: Agent Gibbs, tell me what you need and I'll do it. But if your people, Dover and AIU are all saying Lt. Flores's DNA wasn't in those remains, then pardon my French, but where the Hell is she?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You keep looking, Captain. We'll find something. We have to.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy 2011: I understand next of kin has been contacted. What are you going to tell them now... sir?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You said something about moving mountains, sir.
USMC Commandant General Chuck Ellison: Plane takes off at 0500, Gibbs. My people will get started. Don't come back without her.


"NCIS: Tribes (#5.11)" (2008)
FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: You ever consider using power tools?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're still a pain in the ass.
FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: I learned from the best. See ya around, Boss!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [re: Langer] Taught him everything he's forgotten.

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [to Abby] You're my favorite.

Ryan Sikes: There is only one God and he is great.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [nods] Good to know.

Ryan Sikes: Ryan is my slave name. My real name is Akbur Mohammed.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your slave name?

FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: We may be observing the Mosque.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's a little vague.
FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: I can't tell you any more than that, Jethro. You *know* that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well I hope we don't get in each other's way.
FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: [awkward pause] Well, not if you guys find anything then...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You'll be the *last* to know.

Officer Ziva David: These belonged to Abdul. They were returned to his father.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you sure?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs I...
[realizes what Gibbs is saying]
Officer Ziva David: No. They're nothing like them.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't think so.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You gonna do that autopsy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No. Well yes. Well in a manner of speaking but several people are going to have to look the other way.
[turns to Shepard]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Starting with you Director!

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [as Abby works on her Mass Spectrometer] Broken?
Abby Sciuto: Does a baby change its own diapers? Nay. Does it burp and feed itself? I don't think so. It takes a lot of TLC to keep my children happy and fully functioning in the Lab of Abby or Labby as I like to call it.

FBI Special Agent Brent Langer: [entering Gibbs' basement] You still working on this damn boat?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Finished it twice. This is number three.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Am I the only normal one here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the bullpen] No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Morning, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Marine killed. Let's go.


"NCIS: Sub Rosa (#1.7)" (2003)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [after being thrown against Gibbs during an emergency submarine breach] Wow...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah... that's what they all say.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I wonder what McGee said to make Tony speechless?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: COB, I don't have to tell you what the most important thing is now, do I?
Chief of the Boat: Getting the ice cream back in the freezer.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Exactly!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You've had profile training?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What I've had is about a thousand interviews. After a while you start picking things up.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Everybody has something to lie about. Which means we have nothing.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What are you doing here, Special Agent McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I brought my final report, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You do not have to "Sir" me, McGee.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [the air conditioner's broken and Gibbs is drinking coffee] Gibbs, it's like a hundred degrees in here. How can you drink that stuff?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It keeps me cool.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [after COB leaves the room, slamming the door behind him] Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I like to think it's me.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway trying to keep an eye on us. You've got to distract him. You're going to need help working the toilet.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust me, Kate. On a submarine, it's a very complicated mechanism.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wanna check out Petty Officer Thompson.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: All right, well you don't have to drown me. You could just ask.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come on. Hydrating's good for you. Go on, un-hydrate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Never heard it called that before.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [after accidentally knocking Gibbs' coffee cup off his desk] What do you put in your coffee?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Coffee.

Mess Specialist: [bringing Gibbs and Kate ice cream] Courtesy of the skipper, sir. Ma'am. There's, uh, rocky road, cookies and cream, chocolate, butter pecan, and the, uh, captain's personal favorite, pumpkin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Pumpkin?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Do you think we have enough, steward?
Mess Specialist: Well, there's about forty gallons more in the galley, ma'am. Might as well eat it before it melts.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I don't get it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They had to make room in the freezer for the body.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Nice.
Mess Specialist: It's the only place to preserve it, ma'am. SOP on a sub.
[officer exits]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [seeing a thought strike Gibbs] What?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anyone who's served on a sub knows that. Travis didn't commit suicide to give up. Suicide was his backup plan.


"NCIS: Jurisdiction (#7.18)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who are you guys? DEA? FBI?
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: CGIS.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [chuckling] Coast Guard, boss.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: You got a problem with that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [stops laughing, seriously] No.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. The problem is that I found these
[Gibbs holds up some keys]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: on the elevator floor.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My bad.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Won't happen again.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I doubt that. Meet you all downstairs.
[Gibbs tosses the keys, and the team scrambles to get the keys]

CGIS Special Agent Kyle Omagi: [Looking a Gibbs's badge] NCIS.
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Come on. Really?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who are you guys? DEA? FBI?
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: CGIS.

CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Any deaths on a US registered vessel is FBI or Coast Guard jurisdiction.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So where's the FBI?
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Told us to call if we got close to anything.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I got your number.
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Uh, no you don't. So what's your beef Gibbs? That I'm Coast Guard, that I'm a woman or that I managed to get the drop on you in that house?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't know you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to Ducky] Cause of death?
Jimmy Palmer: Being shanked by a screwdriver didn't help.
[Gibbs and Ducky glare at Palmer]
Jimmy Palmer: I'm sorry.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Agent Borin, you want to walk me through your evidence log?
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Yeah. No problem. You can call me Abby.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. No. That's not gonna happen.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Enter the lab] Hey Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey.
[Abby holds up an evidence bag]
Abby Sciuto: Gold reales and sunken treasure. All taken from Jensen's storage lock up. Pretty cool. Almost makes up for the way I feel. Although I hear you're having your own personnel problems with...
[Notices someone else entered with Gibbs]
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Special Agent Abigail Borin.
Abby Sciuto, CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Abby.
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: So Abby, what do you got?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Other than like a five alarm migraine.

CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: If the doctor's plane hasn't landed yet, why don't we have a Coast Guard aircraft intercept it and suggest to their pilots that they might be abetting a fugitive.
CGIS Special Agent Kyle Omagi: On it!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nice. You can do that?
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Just scratching the surface.

Dr. Donald Mallard: She was so anxious to change your truly. I was beginning to question my own identity.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I know how protective you are of that.
Dr. Donald Mallard: She also put some of mother's silver in the dishwasher.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Really?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We have sattelite photos of the other ships in the area?
CGIS Special Agent Abagail Borin: Yeah. My people are already working on it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What about *my* people?
[Gibbs's team scrambles to their desks]

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [searching their victim's house, after finding the front door ajar] Clear, boss!
[Abigail approaches Tony and puts her gun to his back]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe not totally clear.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: Toss the gun. Do it now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughing] Take it easy, sweetheart. Who are you?
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: I'm not the one breaking and entering.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [approaching Abigail from behind] No, the door was open. Ladies first.
CGIS Special Agent Kyle Omagi: [entering from behind Gibbs] It's turning into a party around here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow. Looks a little like "Reservoir Dogs". Except you're cuter than Harvey Keitel.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [holding up his badge] We're federal agents.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: Get his I.D.
[Omagi reaches for Gibbs' badge and Gibbs shakes him off]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Look. Don't touch.


"NCIS: The Bone Yard (#2.5)" (2004)
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Anyone ever tell you you were an insufferable bastard?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking pleased] Yeah.

[last lines]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [dumbfounded at what they are witnessing, DiNozzo, Todd, and McGee watch a "dead" agent get into the elevator. They look at Gibbs] What?

Jimmy Napolitano: And Gibbs, you hurt my boy, I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father. And after their funerals I'll kill you.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No brothers, no uncles, my father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives, whose names and addresses I will *gladly* fax on to you.
[Jimmy hangs up the phone]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Booh, he hung up.

[Gibbs and DiNozzo are boxing in the training ring]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not bad, DiNozzo.
DiNozzo: Thanks! You learn how to box in the Marines?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.
DiNozzo: [laughing] That's your loss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after flooring Tony] They teach *fighting*.

Gunnery Sergeant. John Deluca: Are you deaf or nuts?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Eh, a little of both.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent Charles, can you get me the Bureau file on Fornell?
Agent Charles: I haven't even seen it.
[Gibbs turns and looks at him]
Agent Charles: If I get caught, I'm finished as a federal agent.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't get caught.

Agent Charles: You can't threaten to kill someone in custody, Gibbs.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It wasn't a threat.

[Ducky is talking to his current cadaver; he is annoyed with Jimmy, who has just left]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He means well. But often I have an overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the morgue] Do it all the time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [chuckling] So I've noticed. But, only on the back of the head.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Slap at the face would be humiliating. Back of the head's a wake-up call.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking down at corpse] Looks like he got both.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Why is NCIS interested in Vic Gera, Gibbs?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who said we were interested in him?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You ran his prints through AFIS. Where did you get them?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He gave them to us.
Agent Charles: You have him in custody?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Technically speaking.

[Gibbs slaps Tony's head, after telling him he wouldn't]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's no fun if you know it's coming.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Jimmy Naps is going to a lot of trouble to frame you, Tobias. Why now?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He knew I was vulnerable.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Vulnerable, how?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Ari.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [wry laugh] You're laying this on me, huh?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I arranged your meeting with him, Jethro. He's our only agent inside al-Qaeda. And what did you do? You shot him.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I could have killed him. Putting a round in his shoulder helped sell his cover to al-Qaeda.


"NCIS: Baltimore (#8.22)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Reading McGee's report] "Retinal scanner uses wave-front sensing reflection points. "
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Heh.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Correlates the data using 8 point spread function."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Rasterizes the pupil. Conjugate geometry."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Was I too technical?
[Gibbs drops the report in the trash]

Dr. Donald Mallard: I suppose it is possible that Anthony's relation to him is uh, merely coincidental.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You wanna bet, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Nothing I care to lose.

Abby Sciuto: What if the killer's trying to tell us he's gonna come after our friends? I mean Tony knew the victim.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not just Tony. I knew him too.

Detective Danny Price: Or read our dispatch. We had a BOLO out on Joey for two days.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I know.
Anthony DiNozzo: You knew?... Well then, what the hell were you doing running around risking -?
[Tony laughs in realization]
Anthony DiNozzo: Really? You wanted to get arrested. We didn't screw anything up for him. You're a new face on the street. What's the best way to earn instant bona fides than uh - getting pinched?
[DiNozzo chuckles]
Anthony DiNozzo: A Navy guy. I don't like getting played. Having said that, well played. Very Donnie Brasco, actually.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm more worried about Abby's theory that the Port-to-Port killer's targeting our friends. Can't protect them all.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We protect them by catching the killer - same as you did before.

Ziva David: [after interviewing a witness] That was a waste! He had nothing to add to his statement about the robbery at the bakery. And I'm not going back in there unless it is absolutely fumigated!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Twice.

Abby Sciuto: How on Earth did you -?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule #35.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: Always watch the watchers.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Taking a suspect into custody] You have the right to remain silent or I can shut you up myself!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Take it easy, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You also have the right to an attorney so he can tell you how you weren't hugged enough as a child.

Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe being a cop isn't for me.
[Gibbs slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Anthony DiNozzo: Huh? Did you just physically assault me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules. But rule #5 is you don't waste good. You're good.
Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks don't make a habit of that.
[DiNozzo realizes they're by Human Resources]
Anthony DiNozzo: Did I mention you're a devious man, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Boy, I got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals.
Anthony DiNozzo: Butch Cassidy. That's nice.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Pacci, you get that other thing for me?
NCIS Agent Chris Pacci: Yeah. Detective DiNozzo's personnel file right here.
[Pacci puts the file on Gibbs's desk]
NCIS Agent Chris Pacci: You need anything else? Because I gotta head to the Infirmary. My ulcer's killing me again. I'm telling you, this stomach is going to be the death of me.


"NCIS: Engaged (Part II) (#9.9)" (2011)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Captain.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Special Agent Gibbs. Welcome to the belly of the beast. Smooth ride?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Until someone started shooting at us.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: It's Kabul's welcome wagon.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time bake cookies.

Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Good news. The two girls that Flores saved were just found about 7 clicks south. Abandoned on the roadside. They're being transported here for treatment.
Ziva David: Are they all right?
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Dehydrated. Scared. Clearly tortured.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But alive.
Ziva David: We'll need to see them.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Long as you're prepared for what you'll see.
Ziva David: I grew up in this region.
Marine Captain Craig Quincy: Looks like you turned out okay.
Ziva David: I can hold my own.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We think that she used being a teacher to know when to strike.
FET Marine Staff Sergeant Catherine Littleton: The kids trusted Soraya. We all did.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She took advantage of that trust.
FET Marine Staff Sergeant Catherine Littleton: She succeeded, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: At being a coward. Now it's our turn.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That you in the background, Mr Secretary?
Secretary of the Navy Clay Jarvis: Hello Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Burning the candle at both ends, sir? Careful. People are going to think you care.

Ziva David: Gabby? Gabby - she's -she's still alive?
Kinah: ...They're not... done yet.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Quietly to Captain Quincy] Notify the Commadant. Tell him we're a go. Flores could still be alive.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Soraya's got Flores] Your call. Give me a reason... So what's it gonna be?... Feed you to the locals, lifetime at Gitmo, or you die right here.

Marine First Lieutenant Gabriela Flores: She should be held accountable for her crimes.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Marine First Lieutenant Gabriela Flores: ...She should... watch those girls change the world in positive ways she never imagined.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's a punishment?
Marine First Lieutenant Gabriela Flores: That's a gift, sir. Punishment's knowing she could've done the same.

Osman: You could have killed me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could've. Should've. Didn't.
Osman: You are weak.
[Gibbs punches out Osman]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, just better. Cuff him. Get him out of here.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: That was the Commadant.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell him he still owes me dinner from 16 years ago.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: He called to thank you personally.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Heh. I think he called to thank *you* personally.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Protocol.

Marine Private Joan Matteson: You know, Gibbs, if you ever find yourself in Japan... or - or even if you don't -I'll always be around. Give me a call.
Young Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'd like that.


"NCIS: Flesh and Blood (#7.12)" (2010)
Prince Sayif Ibn Alwaan: Look I am sorry about Walid, Agent Gibbs. But if you know anything about the Saudi Royal family, assasinations are part of our lives. I came to the United States for flight training and I'm not going to let what happened stop me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay, I have no influence with your country. But I do with the United States Navy. And I'll have your training stopped immediately.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Hi. Jethro Gibbs.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: Oh, Agent Gibbs. Well you finally get to meet the *real* Tony DiNozzo.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey, how'd it go at the hotel?
Ziva David: Prince Sayif is a chuvinistic royal pain in the tush!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, he's not used to anyone saying no to him.
Ziva David: You may have to hire someone to protect him from me.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I told you to handle it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I spoke to him. I think he's losing his hearing.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Give me a reason not to bench you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Long pause] I won't let him out of my sight.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tony inheirted his personality from you. But I get the feeling there's a lot about your life you don't share.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: [pause] I should tell you to piss off! But I do know that junior thinks the world of you. So I'll keep this civil.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have to break one of your rules, boss. Number 6: Never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, it's covered. Number 18.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. Been distracted by your father.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why'd you do it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's my father. He is who he is. I couldn't bust him. Sometimes it's better to keep what you know to yourself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Amen.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr: When you offered to take me on the tour, I suspected you had an ulterior motive. What's on your mind?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Your son.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: What has, uh... Junior done now?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tony likes to hide behind the face of a clown. But he's the best young agent I've ever worked with.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr: You have children, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Had. A daughter. But unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to know her as an adult.

Special Agent Ziva David: How many amendments to the US Constitution.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well let's see. The Bill of Rights is the first ten, Prohibition's 18. So I'm guessing 23.
Special Agent Ziva David: 27.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nobody likes a know-it-all, David.
Special Agent Ziva David: How come I have to study all of this and you don't?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I was born here.


"NCIS: Deliverance (#6.15)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You need a secretary.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a therapist.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or both!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't know what the "G" stands for but it's nine digits. Could be a military service number. I'll run it.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't have to... It's mine!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You've never left the scene of a crime before I arrived until this case, Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, had something else to do.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something to do with your Marine Corp Service number?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Leon enters] I was wondering the same thing myself... You're avoiding me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been busy solving a murder, Leon. When I have something you'll be the first to know.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only one person knew about her... you.
Mike Franks: Eighteen years is a long time, Probie.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She's in DC, today, Mike.
Mike Franks: What do you want me to say?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whatever it is you're not saying!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rose had a son?
Mike Franks: Uh, yeah. Was about a year old when i brought her here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You knew?
Mike Franks: I'm guessing you didn't.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've got nothing to hide, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Everybody's got something to hide!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as Leon picks up Gibb's classified Service folder] Some good stuff in the last five pages.

Mike Franks: Let me talk to that kid, I'll get him to tell us what the hell's going on here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mike. I let him go.
Mike Franks: You WHAT?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.
[Franks and Gibbs start to leave. Tony and Ziva start to follow. Gibbs stops them]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh Uh. You two, MTAC... with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it Boss.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It'll lead us to the truth.
Mike Franks: [Franks scoffs] The truth.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah! Which you should have told me seventeen years ago!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's the truth?
Mike Franks: The truth is *she* didn't want you to know!... She knew you were still putting the pieces together after Shannon and Kelly. Didn't want to complicate your life. Guess she didn't get her wish after all.


"NCIS: Chained (#2.10)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got him?
Abby Sciuto: Are you honestly asking me that?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No Abs. I called to flirt.

Motorcycle Rider: My bike was stolen, you gotta help me.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Who stole it?
Motorcycle Rider: Two guys. Their truck went off the road, I was helping them find their dog.
Agent Caitlin Todd: They had a dog?
Motorcycle Rider: A Shih Tzu named Kate.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [annoyed] They had a dog named Kate?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's a Shih Tzu?
Agent Caitlin Todd: It's a little, annoying dog. Did they describe it?
Motorcycle Rider: Yeah, they said it had long, brown, hair, kinda mangey.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I'm going to shoot him.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.
Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] He wants you.
Timothy McGee: How'd he know I was here?
Abby Sciuto: [putting headset on McGee] Because he's Gibbs.

[Gibbs keeps getting cell phone calls about a VW for sale.]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a *squishy little car*?

Agent Caitlin Todd: Cash, clothes, and a car. Everything Tony loves.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Let's just hope he's not heading for Vegas.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never lost an agent under cover, Kate. I am not about to let DiNozzo screw that up.

[last lines]
Tony DiNozzo: Really liked him.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah! Yeah, I can see that.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You know what? Can we stop it with the secrecy and everything?
[Gibbs looks skeptical]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Here, I'll go first. I...
[deep breath]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'm worried about Tony. There. I said it, and i feel *happy* now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [incredulous and mocking] You feel *happy?* From *that?*
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Yeah.
[Stares at Gibbs, expecting a confession]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This conversation is over.
[steps out of the car]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Yeah, I thought so.

[after McGee follows Gibbs' order to tell the Deputy Secretary of State to "stick it"]
Timothy McGee: I told her, the Deputy Secretary of State.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? How'd it work?
Timothy McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee!
[pause]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good job.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby Sciuto: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.


"NCIS: Broken Arrow (#8.7)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What's your assignment, Admiral Chase?
Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: Are you asking me because you want to know if Iverson was coming to see me about something personal or my job?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I asked you what your assignment was, sir.
Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: I don't think this is the place for this discussion. I'm overdue at the Pentagon. I'll get in touch with NCIS this afternoon.

Ziva David: I'm sure he's all right, Tony. He looked fine getting off the plane.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, so did the guy in front of him, and he ended up dead crammed in a dumpster.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Slow down, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, I got a hit, 15100 1st Street Northeast. Mid-Atlantic Trailways Bus Station.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony groans] This is worse than I thought. My father... at a bus station.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So. you never talked to Iverson on the plane. But you did share a cab into the city.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: Yeah... I'm beginning to feel like a suspect. I don't expect special treatment because I'm junior's father. And I accept that we will never be friends, Gibbs. But I don't like your tone.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Using my father is a very bad idea.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No other option, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't know him like I do. It can lead to nothing but trouble
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Summit starts tomorrow night. He's our entree.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, but please, he *can't* stay at my place.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tony thinks that it's a mistake to involve you in an NCIS investigation.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: What do you think?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, I think I'm sticking my neck out, but I wanted to look you in the eye and see if I was wrong.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: And?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And I think you're just enough of a con man to pull it off.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: That is a strange thing to stay to someone you're asking to do you a favor.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Is this some sort of game you two play? Have you ever just been honest with each other?
Anthony DiNozzo Sr: There may have been things that I haven't told my son... but I have *never* lied to him. You probably won't believe this, Gibbs, but I'm starting to like you. You're not afraid to say what you think.

NCIS Agent Cashier Fred Seymour: Anthony DiNozzo Sr is not only staying at a $1500 a night suite. He's also running up a huge tab, spa treatment, manicure, French Champagne, and I just got call he's ordered a limosine for tonight.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Guess you haven't gotten the bill for the flowers yet.

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She is a weapon.

Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: Gentlemen, this whole situation has gotten a whole lot bigger than a homocide investigation. We'll take from here.
Leon Vance: Admiral, I've already spoken with SecNav. This is an NCIS investigation. Do I need to remind you why we're a civilian-run agency? With all due respect, Admiral, those stars on your shoulders don't carry much weight in this building.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sir, if you'd like to be briefed on where we are, what we know so far, you're welcome to stay.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr: I'm beginning to feel like a suspect. I don't expect special treatment because I'm Junior's father, and I accept that you and I will never be friends, Gibbs, but I don't like your tone.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You were the last person to see Iverson alive. How I feel about you, personally, it's irrelevant. This is a murder investigation, and I'll follow it wherever it leads.


"NCIS: Minimum Security (#1.8)" (2003)
Abby Sciuto: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby Sciuto: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby Sciuto: Around fifteen hundred.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby Sciuto: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why is it that women always wanna fix what doesn't need fixing?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: It makes us feel all warm inside.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So does Scotch

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can I drink?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sarsaparilla? Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shane.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who's Shane?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Alan Ladd.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who's Alan Ladd?

Special Agent Leory Jethro Gibbs: [speaking of Easter Eggs] They were hidden in the porn?
Abby Sciuto: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Try and brand the cologne.
Abby Sciuto: Why, you want some?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. That's probably why I don't... date many women.

William Gamal: Well, the psychiatrist examined him and is worried for his mental health.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm not all that interested in the mental health of people who want to kill me.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: She looks awfully lonely back there.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: So, I think one of us should go and keep her company.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: She is one of us.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate... *scoffs*
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What?
[Gibbs gives Kate the "whatever" look]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, I can't let her ride alone.
[Tony unbuckles himself before Kate does and walks back over to Cassidy]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why is it that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Bumps into Tony in the elevator] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I do. I booked us on the first AMC flight to Gitmo tomorrow.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Unbook it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I knew it! I told Kate you were pulling my leg.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The Navy's giving us a priority ride today.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean it?
[Gets the stare from Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do mean it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: C'mon, boss. You're telling me you like sitting on canvas seats slimmed between cargo pallets?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Tony apologizes to Cassidy] Why is Agent DiNozzo sorry?
Special Agent Paula Cassidy: Because he blew his chance to get laid.


"NCIS: Sandblast (#4.7)" (2006)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: He was set to deploy tomorrow. At least he got to spend the last day with his son.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's one way to look at it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie, you got the woods. I got the far side.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee hesitates] Uh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Poison ivy, Boss. I just- I look at the stuff and I break out.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't look!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Eighteen holes on a golf course.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Yep. You want to divide them up?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure. We'll take the crime scene. You and your people can take the other seventeen.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better have a fatal disease, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Josh's mom called, he's looking for payback. Wants to skip Princeton and join the Marines. I went to talk him out of it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know, Boss.

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: You're not hacking C.I.A.?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. No. No. Homeland Security. They post a redundant C.I.A. archive.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: All right my - my superiors aren't going to like this.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't tell them.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [Chuckles] Smart and devious. That's a dangerous combination.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You forgot... charming.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [they just look at each other until-] I'm in.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [walking towards McGee] No I didn't.

Officer Ziva David: However this cell is operating, they found a way to do so without leaving a shred of evidence.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Other than the dead marine.
[Gibbs walks away. DiNozzo whispers to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice.

Mamoun Sharif: Who am I talking to?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [simultaneously] Me.

[McGee has poison ivy]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: When Gibbs told me to go check out the forest, I should have just told him...!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Told me what, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [panicking] ... No!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastic] Well, that probably would have been a good idea.

[Sharif catches Abraham stealing a sandwich from his store]
Mamoun Sharif: Hey! What did I tell you? The owner takes this out of my pocket! The next time I catch you, I'm calling the police! Out the back!
[He hustles Abraham to the back door, but then stops him and gives him the sandwich back]
Mamoun Sharif: So don't let me catch you.
Abraham Moussalah: Thank you.
[Abraham leaves. Sharif turns and sees Gibbs and Mann standing there]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It still comes out of your pocket, doesn't it?
Mamoun Sharif: Yes, but where I was born it is a sin to turn away a hungry man.

[Ducky is "talking" with the body of Col. Cooper, killed by a bomb in a golf course sand trap]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Myself, I have trouble getting out of the sand. But I suppose it's because I don't practice enough. You know, I dig my feet in, I open the club face, but then I forget to follow through, and the ball only goes a couple of feet.
[Gibbs and Col. Mann enter behind him]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not nearly as far as you traveled, my friend.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Is he talking to himself?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, the body.


"NCIS: Aliyah (#6.25)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I can't believe I'm telling you this. Tony's going to kill me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not if Mossad gets to him first.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you don't think the Director's going to just hand him over?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a problem, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean apart from Tony killing Ziva's friend and Ziva's apartment blowing up? No. No problem at all.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good. Then shoot.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Doesn't add up. DiNozzo's more a brawler. Rivkin was kidon.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, I thought you'd never ask.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Watching DiNozzo being interviewed by Eli] Son of a bitch! How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in D.C.?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should've checked his bags.

Officer Ziva David: Hadar set the fire.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Covering for Rivkin.
Officer Ziva David: I was betrayed by Mossad, by my father, by Tony. Who's next? You?

Officer Ziva David: [Referring to DiNozzo] I'm not sure we can work together. Perhaps it is best if one of us gets transferred to another team.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Transferred?
Officer Ziva David: I need to be able to trust the people that I work with. I know you more than anyone understand that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause. Kisses Ziva on the cheek] Take care of yourself.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Entering Gibbs's basement] Jethro, forgive the intrusion.
[notices the boat is missing from the basement]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How did you possibly manage to -?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aw geez, Duck. You gonna ask me that every time?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I know this decision must not have come easily.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It wasn't my decision.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: But Tony said...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, it was Ziva's. From the moment she asked me to choose.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Let me make it easy for you, Gibbs. You made the right call.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wasn't asking your opinion, Leon.
[Starts to leave]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Just who the Hell do you think you're talking to?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs slams the Director's door shut. And walks back] That's a damn good question! I've been wondering about that for a while!
NCIS Director Leon Vance: You know you spend half your time second guessing me, studying me, testing me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm looking for answers.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: It'd help if you ask the damn questions!... There's the rub. You don't have a clue what to ask. You don't trust me but you don't know why.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: I know you don't want to hear this, Gibbs. But now, you have to trust me. And if you're right about Ziva's alligence to you, she'll serve us well in Mossad.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, and if you're right about her father... we'll never see her again.


"NCIS: Dead Reckoning (#6.20)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Trent calls Gibbs] Gibbs.
Trent Kort: Hello there Gibbs, about that favor you owe me.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I thought you were riding a desk at the Agency trying to stay out of trouble.
Trent Kort: Guess that didn't work out. Afraid if I gave you too many details you wouldn't have shown. Think they shot each other.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That the best story you got?
Trent Kort: One I'm sticking to.

Trent Kort: Keep me on a short leash Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, and a muzzle if I have to.
Trent Kort: I thought we turned a corner in our relationship. You asked me for something, I asked you for something.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't ask you turn up dirt on Vance.
Trent Kort: But you read the file anyway.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I don't waste time on fiction.

Trent Kort: Caution is an asset in our line of work. Trust is, uh elusive at best.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No it's not. Not between us, it's impossible. But I honor my debts.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Trent Kort shows up bearing gifts. I wanna know what's in it for him.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trent Kort does not gain anything by leaking information, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Then I wanna know who does. Find the leak. Find Siravo. I want the CIA out of my house!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Bank robberies from bad guys. Is that how the CIA finances their operations?
Trent Kort: I'm just trying to get back in the starting line up.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's possible you're more dangerous behind a desk.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You would've done things differently, Leon?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I would. I do... But in the last two minutes, you gotta let your quarterback call the plays. Nice win.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You didn't take your team.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't know what it was yet. It *was* Kort.

Abby Sciuto: [discussing what is on a suspect's laptop] He was a killer gamer though! And he plays a boat load of sims.
[looks at Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Translation video games. The rest is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts, and porn. Spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I already know that.
Abby Sciuto: Ok, I was just checking.

Perry Sterling: [preparing to take some medicine] Can I have some water?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: First, immunity. Now water? No more demands.


"NCIS: Chimera (#5.6)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [last lines; as the team speeds away from the Chimera in the pirates' motor launch, a cruise missile streaks overhead and destroys the ship] Guess the Navy didn't want anyone to know the ship existed.
Officer Ziva David: How did they know we got off the ship?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think they did.

Abby Sciuto: You guys okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm dealing with my boat phobia. Tony's dealing with his rat phobia. And Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby Sciuto: So what's Gibbs dealing with?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Them!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to the Director] We're still running tests. Don't know right now.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky Enters] Yes we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect, I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't leave the ship?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's not a problem, Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in "White Heat", fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman in "Butch Cassidy", hail of bullets.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How about Charlie Chaplin in "Gold Rush"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How'd he die?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Silently.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [about cracking a high tech lock] It could take some time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're not going anywhere.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ok.
[Gibbs, Ziva, and Tony walk away]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I thought you said you we're going anywhere.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, get this to Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? That's a dead, diseased rat.
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which is why it may aid Dr. Mallard in his investigation. Which is why I'd be pleased as punch to walk back through this ship with a dead, diseased rat.
Officer Ziva David: You can show Ducky your freckle.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You ever see "Run Silent, Run Deep"?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The "run silent" part sounds good.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, pirates that weren't really pirates, who were actually Russian sailors, were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh-huh.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Okay.

[to Commander Skinner]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't give a damn about your secrets, Commander! I care about keeping my team safe.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva after McGee has thrown up] Five minutes. You owe me ten bucks.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's McGee?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calling Earl. Shouting groceries. Making street pizza. Technicolor yawn.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Gibbs, coming out of the bathroom] Found something.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lost something, too.


"NCIS: Model Behavior (#3.11)" (2005)
[last lines]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony, about the black roses] Your flowers are dead.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I tire of saying "small horse."

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Abs, got some good news for you. i just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
Abby Sciuto: No, Gibbs! No. I can't go through that again. That-
[realizes Gibbs is joking]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was to me, kind of.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after a reporter has creatively edited Gibbs' words] You want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You're going to apologize?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Ask her to dinner.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them.
Officer Ziva David: That would work for me. I hate models.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That so? McGee, help Ziva. Interview them.
[shoves the camera into Tony's chest]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any other suggestions DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I think I got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.

Abby Sciuto: It's kinda fun. It reminds me of Bill Nye.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Wacky scientist with a kid's show?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, it's like Mr. Wizard.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never mind.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [arriving at a motel] Millions of dollars, a supermodel girlfriend, and this is where he stays?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [indicates a snazzy BMW] Well, he showed up in style.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I would've rather slept in the car.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I have something, Boss.
[pause]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you waiting for me to guess, Elflord?

Hannah Bressling: Fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't need it. They're already in your arrest record.
Officer Ziva David: From the time you beat up your assistant with your cell phone, I believe.
Natalie Vance: Well, it wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. We've got yours too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of the Limelight?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: How did you track him down?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got an urgent call from the President.
[McGee looks confused]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: His Am-Ex records were in the fax machine, McGee.


"NCIS: Toxic (#6.21)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Referring to a body] He looks cold.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Least of his problems, McGee.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Fornell just called. Abby's been... requested.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Requested?
Officer Ziva David: By...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He didn't know. He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to his desk] Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva goes to her desk] I have a contact in the DOD.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony's at his desk] BOLO on the FBI transport?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. I thought, maybe I'd just try calling her first.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]

Abby Sciuto: Oh, I got Palmer's text about the vampire bite. I can't believe I'm not going to be there for that. Who are you getting to fill in?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Working on it.
Abby Sciuto: Well, if you need anything before then, I keep a step-by-step Abby's Lab for Dummies in my desk. It covers the basics. A monkey could follow the instructions.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Watching DiNozzo using his backscratcher] Good. Cause we got one of those.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That invitation extend to me too, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Since when have you waited for an invitation? Don't answer that. I know you like to keep people on their toes.

Officer Ziva David: [Slight chuckle] This is nice. Be able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It's almost as if he cannot go on for more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice. You know the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Babbling.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.

Mr. Jones: Agent Gibbs, I appreciate your concern for my missing colleague, but that's *exactly* why Miss Scuito has to stay here right now. You have to trust me on that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't trust you. I don't know you!
Mr. Jones: I sympathsize with your position...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's your choice, you either tell me what's going on or...
Mr. Jones: Or what? You'll threaten me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, you know what? That depends. You consider a public investigation a threat?... We are on the same team.

Abby Sciuto: [Entering] Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Rising] Abby. Abs, are you okay?
Abby Sciuto: Do I look okay? What is Abby's rule #1? Do not lie to Abby!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...He built it to sell it.
Abby Sciuto: Perfect. Hi I'm Abby Sciuto. International Bioweapons dealer.

Abby Sciuto: Aren't you going to give me a pep talk?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Abby Sciuto: Why?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because you're pissed. And you should be.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know about the lab. And I know about the cure you were researching.
Philip Heller: That's classified.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And *that's* a dead body! I already got you at manslaughter. I can prove intent, I got you at murder.
Philip Heller: Wait.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You tell me what's going on, or you call your damn lawyer! Why is somebody trying to kill you?
Philip Heller: Because I discovered the truth. Tarburst tried to hide it. The tasks were compartmentalized, ostensibly for security purposes. Isolate a genome, find a suitable viral vector. It, uh... they manipulated me. All I could see were the technical hurdles and not the big picture.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Which was what?
Philip Heller: People were sick. But I wasn't working on a cure. I was building a weapon.


"NCIS: Smoked (#4.10)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass yet?
Officer Ziva David: Oh, he started it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? I'm ending it.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, only slightly more than a lot.

[last lines]
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I gotta tell you, Jethro. That was... that was...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mmm-hmm.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: How in God's name could we have missed that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think God had much to do with it, Tobias.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know what's really got me freaked out? If her husband's body hadn't gotten hung up going down that chimney five years ago, she'd still be out there. We'd never have caught her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I can do you one better than that.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: No. Can't top that, Jethro.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was a toe doing in her husband's stomach?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a sign of weakness.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not among friends. I'm sorry, Ducky. I should've told you about Shannon and Kelly.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I should have told you something months ago. Welcome home, Jethro.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: With *what*? A safety pin?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: As I explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an icepick or philips head screwdriver.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer, Fornell.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: On a Marine base! Which means it is still *our* jurisdiction!
[She tears up the order to transfer the case to the FBI]

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And the moral of course is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I like mine better.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I was on the team that nailed Ted Bundy, Gibbs. I know something about sick, charming bastards.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's probably why we get along so well.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [referring to the case] No hard feelings Jethro?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope, just need you to look at something before you leave.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You've got that mustache in a box, don't you?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as McGee and Abby are explaining the process they used to electronically rehydrate the mummy's head] McGee, less talk. More of the computer chip doo-dah.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Making with the doo-dah, Boss.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Doo-dah?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. It's a technical term, Tobias.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [handing him the suspect's address] There you go, Fornell.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You're handing the case over?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, just want you to get the search warrant for me.


"NCIS: Murder 2.0 (#6.6)" (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cole worked at a local carwash. Abby got a hit off his DNA. Two years ago he donated sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and Ziva enter] Ah the things people will do for money.
Officer Ziva David: You donated your sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't do that for money. Just to enrich the world. So, Boss I spoke with security at Quantico.
[McGee clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt? Let's see who the Boss likes better.
[Tony and McGee wait expectantly]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as he's leaving] DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On your six, Boss. Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screensaver, have you Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
[Ziva approaches McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are friends for.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Everything okay Boss? You seem kind of quiet - ter than usual. Worried this is just his first?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nah. Worried it's not.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Do I I need to tell you Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If it'll make you feel better.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck. Now you know. I'll handle him. You handle this. Just watch your back Gibbs.

Abby Sciuto: Oh my God. That poster is right outside my lab. He was here. He walked right by my lab!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, this isn't a flash code. It's h dot six two four.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this isn't a video. It's streaming live. He's outside Abby's lab!

Abby Sciuto: I have two questions: This video it's different than the others. Why?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. What's the other question?
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay with you tonight?

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You think that was recon. Killer was scouting the base. NCIS I get. But why evacuate the Yard?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You can't kill anybody, Leon, if there's no one here to kill.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Well I'll give you points for the unexpected. We were going to run a security lockdown next week.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Move it up.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Not sure I hope you're right or wrong.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: If we turn them both on.
Abby Sciuto: We can triangulate back on the killer.
[Turns and faces Gibbs]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Or you could just stand there looking at me.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [processing their crime scene] Mother! Blood. Blood!
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] "Psycho."
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He has his moments.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while trying to figure out the place of a murder] All right, now let's try the place.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A convent.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is that where they keep the killer nuns?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Some of the nuns I know can get very agitated.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Please tell me that you have something better than agitated nuns.


"NCIS: Bounce (#6.16)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee...
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Rule number 38?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hmm.
[Rule 38: If it's your case, you're the Boss]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs enters] Oh, hey Boss... Uh, Jethro. Did you catch up on Renny's embezzlement case?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, and I went through his appeal.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let me guess, wasted three years of his life.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you did. Kid was innocent.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. "Hmm... maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead." There's our motive. We just need our killer.
[Ziva and McGee stare at him]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!
[Gibbs starts to gear up. McGee and Ziva are still staring at him]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Or in a week!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on!

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "The Burning Bed." 1984, Farrah Fawcett.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [enters, holding an envelope] "Hell hath no fury..."
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "Like a woman scorned." Third wife's favorite quote.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Reading a note] "Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found."
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Misery loves company.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Save the pep talk, we both know I screwed up.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, three years ago... But now you're making it right... And me proud... You've been doing... a hell of a job, Anthony. Until about three minutes ago. Get your head on right.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would you like me to do?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust your gut.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think I'd rather trust yours right now.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Moving closer to DiNozzo] Then give me my damn phone back!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cirque du Soleil. My mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer, to say the least.
Jimmy Palmer: Aren't we all?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers for quite some time.
Jimmy Palmer: Mark or Ignacio?
[Ducky gives him a look]
Jimmy Palmer: I-I followed Ignacio's career for quite some time and he was...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: Quitting, sir.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know I would never drink on a school night.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where were you last night?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Drinking.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Alone?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not! Not that there's anything wrong with drinking bourbon alone in your basement with a boat. What were we talking about?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got a cause of death, Duck?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, this cyanosis indicates lack of oxygen. That, combined with this ligature mark...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strangled?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah, with a wire or cord. And then to finish him off, they stabbed him through the heart. Preliminary measurement shows a three to four inch blade.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing in the alley.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Room is clear, too.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, you would know. It is your room.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Way to kick a man when he's down, McBackstabber.


"NCIS: Probie (#3.10)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs shoots a suspect after McGee freezes] If you ever hesitate because you second guessed yourself again, I'll take your badge! We clear?

Officer Ziva David: They're going to interrogate McGee this afternoon. Request was approved by the Director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you know this how?
Officer Ziva David: I'm a spy, remember?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So, a doppleganger is someone who's pissed.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Yes, Agent Gibbs, this one definitely is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [interrupting] Why?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Why! Because you countermanded me in front of Metro Police!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't countermand you... you overruled me!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [disgusted sigh] Semantics!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that like doppleganger?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Get a dictionary!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [frustrated, barks loudly at Ziva and Tony] Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on here? First, Abby's "lab nerd" frames DiNozzo for murder, and then McGee kills a cop? Did somebody break a mirror?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: The CNO's aide called me a 7 a.m. this morning. Admiral Chapman wants to know what's going on. He asked me...
[notices Gibbs a pecular look on Gibbs's face]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: What are you thinking about?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Paris.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So he shot him from behind the wheel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wrong, Boss!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, slap him.
[Ziva gleefully smacks the back of DiNozzo's head]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: The CNO's aide called me a 7am this morning. Admiral Chapman wants to know what's going on. He asked me...
[notices Gibbs a peculiar look on Gibbs's face]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: What are you thinking about?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Paris.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro. Let's get some answers.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I'm flashing back to Paris, in '99
[pause while Gibbs has a flashback of kissing Jen in Paris]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Not what you're thinking!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No... then what?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I remember you covering for another agent... who messed up.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What agent was that?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You know damn well what agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, you mean the time you shot that guy.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You are a junior Director!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: That's enough Special Agent Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You need to learn how to say "no".
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I do know how to say "no". Or don't you remember?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You are a junior Director!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: That's enough Special Agent Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You need to learn how to say "no".
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I did say "no" Jethro. Or have you forgotten?


"NCIS: Jack Knife (#7.15)" (2010)
Damon Werth: Wife and kid left him. He had some... trouble making the transition back to civilian.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Unlike you?
Damon Werth: I didn't carry him out of the desert so he could wind up dead in some alley tonight!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What happened to your face?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: What happened to your arm?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The job.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: The same.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about Werth] A marine who broke the rules.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You didn't lock him up?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...I gave him a medal.
[off Fornell's look]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I had one just lying around.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know, it's not like he's wearing your pin. You're not going steady with him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tobias, it didn't mean anything.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I think it meant something to him.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, east, west, the mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond...
[chuckles]
Dr. Donald Mallard: As evidenced by the two of you.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Oh, is that why we're friends?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's more like shared misery.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: God knows you've got enough to go around.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Szwed's truck rolls in 6 hours. What do you got?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We got nothing.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I don't like the sound of that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh...
[Cheerfully]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We got nothing!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Abby about Gibbs] He's up at the crack of dawn, if he goes to bed at all. What exactly is running through that guy's veins?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Coffee, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Right, Boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. Get me some.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it.

Abby Sciuto: Is there anything else you need?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If there is, McGee will do it.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: This really is a big deal for you isn't it? Letting me drive your car.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whatever. You already slept with my wife.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Well, Werth was... very convincing. What exactly are the skeletons in this guy's closet you didn't want to tell me about?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Small bout of steroid-induced psychosis.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Oh, great.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You drive like a maniac!
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: It's my impression of you!


"NCIS: Child's Play (#7.9)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You test the intelligence of these kids?
Krista Dalton: No, they test ours.

Krista Dalton: Parker's specialty is the redeployment of rapid response groups.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I thought we had people at the Pentagon who do that.
Krista Dalton: We do. But we've found that gifted children have a less linear, less bureaucratic way of approaching things. Simpler. Cleaner. Purer.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [while the elevator is stopped] I told you, you're safe here.
Angela Kelp: I know. That's not it. I'm not in danger.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who is?
Angela Kelp: [Long pause] Nobody.
[Angela restarts the elevator]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Glad we talked.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [DiNozzo's looking at some artwork] Tony, Abby already unhid it. It's frequency jamming signals.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, maybe if I - maybe if I try to unfocus bet-
[Gibbs enters and slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Focus DiNozzo.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's it, boss. Out of focus. It's dolphins in moonligh. Thanks boss!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Anytime.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to Angela's mother] You really thought she was getting paid all that just to play video games?

Ziva David: No, it was my fault.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I distracted you from doing your job.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's both of your faults. Focus on fixing it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's still classified.
Krista Dalton: Technically, but it...
Ziva David: Which makes it technially: treason.

Gregg Norvell: She'll miss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to Angela] What's the probability of that?
Angela Kelp: Based on the temperature and humidity. No wind. Half-moon. Good light. 97.6%.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Last chance Norvell.
Gregg Norvell: Move or I'll do it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Take it!
[Ziva takes the shot]

Angela Kelp: You want to talk to me because Trevor and I were friends, right?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Uh huh.
Angela Kelp: Did somebody... kill him?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why would you ask that?
Angela Kelp: Because people emote more sympathy when it's an accident. You're searching. Curious.

[handing Angela's cell phone to Abby]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Turn this into pictures.


"NCIS: Reunion (#7.2)" (2009)
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That is not for rescuing me. That is for leaving me in Israel. You're probably wondering, perhaps I rigged it to explode.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was thinking this is a really nice chisel.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I had forgotten who I could trust. We were a team. And I would like that again.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You need to talk to the Director.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: It is your blessing I came for.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Referring to bachelor parties] I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl.
Jimmy Palmer: Go on.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No. It's better he doesn't. Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh Jethro, can't I tell him about the time when - better I don't.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Alan Sandich's fiancee is back in town.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo enters] And she's already re-engaged. Does that remind you of anyone Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long are you going to keep making those jokes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think that was actually the last time I'm ever going to make that joke. Sorry.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after DiNozzo narrowly avoids getting hit by a truck] You okay?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Got something wet in my hands, but I don't wanna think about it.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's a problem.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lied to me.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: No. When I told you Ari was innocent. I believed it. But yes. I would have lied to you. He was - my brother. And you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean how could you even think - he was my brother. And now he is gone. Eli is all but dead to me. And the closest thing I have... to a father is accusing me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ok.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [taking photos of the crimescene]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, you missed a shot there, sidekick.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm not your sidekick, Tony.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [laughs snidely] And yet, you are.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I am not, because you're not the boss.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When Gibbs isn't here, I'm the boss.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [walks in] Gibbs is here.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, boss.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [entering Gibbs' basement] Hello, Gibbs. Your door was open.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Usually is.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Sgt. Ross' C.O] Accident report you signed said he hurt himself on base?
Marine Colonel Dick Jestern: He was a flight mechanic. Got his arm caught in a hydraulic.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Really? My M.E. here says it was a gunshot wound. He's pretty smart. You care to revise your report?


"NCIS: Faith (#7.10)" (2009)
Jackson Gibbs: From up there, it doesn't seem like much of anything. You pull the trigger, feel the release, nothing. I never even thought about it much. Now it's all I think about. How did you do it all these years, son? I need to know.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This is why you came?
Jackson Gibbs: That and because it's Christmas.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's not supposed to be easy.
Jackson Gibbs: Nobody said it would be, huh?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm surpised you came, dad.
Jackson Gibbs: It's good to be with family at Christmas.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You gonna be okay here - alone?
Jackson Gibbs: I'll be fine. You go to work. Death doesn't take a holiday. I'll be fine.

Marine Colonel George Ellis: Nothing tests a marriage like the Corps.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nature of the beast.
Marine Colonel George Ellis: I forgot you were a marine, Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I remember you, Colonel.
Marine Colonel George Ellis: It's "Reverend" now.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why the change?
Marine Colonel George Ellis: When my wife died, I wanted to be closer to God. Now he's taken my son, as well.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah, perhaps if humanity focused *less* on what separates us from one another and more on what we could learn from our differences, we would stop killing one another. That is what I pray for.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You're not the only one, Duck.

Ziva David: Hmmm, these chocolates are delicious.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey Dad, stop making my team fat.
Ziva David: [Gibbs enters as Jackson Gibbs is giving them homemade candy] Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's reaching for more candy]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's my metabolism. It's slowing with age. It's nothing a post holiday cleanse won't cure.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Interpols checking into it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do it!
[Gibbs stares at DiNozzo]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not you, Boss.
[to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You. I mean how many languages do you speak anyway?
Ziva David: Including the language of love, 10.

Marine Colonel George Ellis: What I did was wrong, but well intentioned. And if it led to my son's death, God forgive me. And Tom's god too.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: One and the same, Colonel.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [answering his phone] Yeah, Gibbs.
Jackson Gibbs: You have to come home.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dad, I can't.
Jackson Gibbs: I need you here. I almost burned your house down.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You did *what*?

Abby Sciuto: How fun would it be to have a totally impromptu Christmas party? Like right now? We could decorate my test tube tree. We could warm up dumplings in the incubator.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs, Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby!
Abby Sciuto: I know. Typing. I feel like Scrooge being visited by the three grumpy ghosts.

Jackson Gibbs: Old place looks pretty good.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, it could use a coat of paint.
Jackson Gibbs: Couldn't we all?


"NCIS: High Seas (#1.6)" (2003)
Agent Caitlin Todd: How long did Burley work here?
Abby Sciuto: Five years.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Five years with Gibbs. Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, nothing, boss, just praising your communication skills.

NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: You know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: The tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, what did the urine tell you?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, all kinds of things, we had a great talk.

NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: I'd have to say it was like deja vu working with you again, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good deja vu, or bad?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: Good...
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And bad.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When can I talk with him?
Flight Surgeon: That's hard for me to say, Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, let me make easier for you, doc, 1500. Consciousness will make the interview go much smoother.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Toss Shrewe's rack.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go over everything and I mean everything. Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there is such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where have you been?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: Waiting on a print match.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You were supposed to meet me here, Stan.
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: I thought this was more important.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Let me be the judge of what's more important.
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: Yes, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I mean that is why you called me, right?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: You know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: The tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your breathing not labored, you're fine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do ya got?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [explaining to Stan how the drug test works] The way it works is simple: We place a small sample of the suspected substance inside the pouch and seal it. Break the ampule inside the pouch, which releases the test chemicals. If the clear liquid turns a color, we have drugs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [examining pouch's contents] Not meth.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, that pouch may be clear, but my gut's still in living color.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just accept the fact that you're gonna get lost.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why do you assume I'm going to?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because everyone does. A carrier is a big and confusing place first time on board.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Duly noted.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Numbers are stenciled on the bulkheads. First one tells you the deck level. They're called bulls-eyes.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Deck level.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Second one, the frame number. Third tells you the compartment's position in relation to the ship's center line. The last letter tells you what the space is used for.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Crossing from port to starboard or starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sometimes you gotta go up one deck and down another.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or down one deck and up another.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sometimes two.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's frustrating.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not to mention confusing. But you'll get the hang of it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: After you get lost a few times.

Chief Petty Officer Reyes: These men spent ten months in the Gulf, combat conditions. Twelve hours a day, one hundred and ten degrees on the deck.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: With you in their face, pumping them up with meth.
Chief Petty Officer Reyes: I gave my men something to help them do their jobs better, and it worked.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Explain that to Wilkes' family.
Chief Petty Officer Reyes: I'm sorry about what happened, but I'm not gonna make excuses. We got our planes on the deck and out of harm's way faster than any other crew. Wilkes was a casualty of war, Agent Gibbs. A hero.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, he was, Chief. He was also a victim... of a leader who betrayed his trust.


"NCIS: Silent Night (#6.11)" (2008)
Jackson 'Jack' Gibbs: [Gibbs makes a call on his cell phone] Hello?
Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Dad.
Jackson 'Jack' Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Son.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Something wrong, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who is supposed to have been dead 17 years.
[Hands Ducky a folder]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: His death certificate.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh dear.
[gaffs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone's in trouble.
[looks at the death certificate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I signed it?

Abby Sciuto: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, you're not helping.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Standing at the Vietnam Memorial] No matter how many times I come here, it still gets to me. You look at a name, you have to look at a reflection of yourself. You are among the fallen.
Ned Quinn: Yeah. Difference is, you can leave. The names don't.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. Death is permanent. Except in your case, Ned Quinn.
Ned Quinn: It's been a long time since someone's called me that.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You asked for it. Better work fast. You only have a day.
[leaves]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Merry Christmas.
Abby Sciuto: [Abby enters] Hey guys, what's up?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I hope no one has plans.

Metro Detective Justin Kemp: You going to explain to me why you broke into the crime scene?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you going to explain to me why you didn't remove yourself from this case?
Metro Detective Justin Kemp: Why would I do that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Avery Taylor was suing your father-in-law. You have no business investigating Taylor's murder.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You might've redeemed yourself, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: What'd I do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Called Quinn's daughter.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: The alarm was deactivated at 2:17 AM this morning. Between the time Kemp sealed the house and you...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Broke in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, I was going to say "gained unauthorized access." Alarm was activated 4 minutes later.

Ned Quinn: [parked in front of Quinn's daughter's house] There's too much time that's passed.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If I had one wish for Christmas, it would be to hug my daughter. That can never be... But you have that chance.
Ned Quinn: Thank you.


"NCIS: Heartland (#6.4)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Approaches to see a man talking with Ziva] Word travels fast.
Jackson Gibbs: That it does. When people actually open their mouths and speak with one another. You don't call. You don't write. Were you gonna come by and say Hi?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hi... Jack
Jackson Gibbs: Hi... Leroy.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Uncomfortable silence, then he nods at the man] Ziva, McGee. Jackson Gibbs. My father.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Without encroaching into your territory, Jethro, might I suggest...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That the dead guy was a dead end. LaComb was the target.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. Any idea why?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I just started looking, Duck.

Ziva David: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's funny. I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
Ziva David: [chuckles] No he burst forth fully grown from the mind of Zeus.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nice.
Tony DiNozzo: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here. You want to be clever? I can be clever.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.

Tony DiNozzo: [to Jackson Gibbs] Jack, I just, I gotta know- I got a lot of questions...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can have two, DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: Where do I start?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got one left.

Jackson Gibbs: I know you hate it when I use a hundred words when a couple will do. But give us a call some time.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's the least I could do.
Jackson Gibbs: Goodbye, son.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [They tear up and hug] Bye, dad.

Jackson Gibbs: Everybody's always lying to you all the time. Can't you *ever* take things as you see 'em?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I see people *lying* to me!
Jackson Gibbs: You were such a happy child.

Jackson Gibbs: When she died, I know how mad that made you. I know how much you hated me for getting on with my life. Saw the look in your face, how you wanted vengeance... Well that look went away when you met Shannon. But it came back quick after they died. I knew what that meant. You were going to find someone to take it out on. Didn't matter what I said.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It never did! What do you see now?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No one was ever allowed to touch that Winchester.
Jackson Gibbs: Yeah. Let that be a lesson in parenting, tell a kid he can't have a rifle, he grows up to be a sniper.

Young Shannon: Well I have a rule. It's either one or number three: Never date a lumberjack.
Young Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You have a rule for everything?
Young Shannon: Working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?
Young Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Embarassed] Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Young Shannon: I'm just going to call you "Gibbs."
Young Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Young Shannon: I'm Shannon.


"NCIS: Hide and Seek (#6.19)" (2009)
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Speaking of snipers, has anyone seen Gibbs?
[Abby enters with a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found, Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A, there are thousands of guns on a Navy Base...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And B, you're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, what if I told you the base MPs gave me the gun to test?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call-out.
Abby Sciuto: And the gun was found under a kid's bed, and it was loaded.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Still does not warrant a call-out.
Abby Sciuto: [takes a sip of Gibbs's coffee, and grimaces] Ugh! And it was recently fired.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee, Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It's not a call-out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] You heard the lady, Gear up!
[the team gears up]
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip...
[hands him the coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink the swill.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Their moms are going to help us find the body?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're not coming to help us find the body. They're coming to be with them when they do.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, right.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Somehow the gun got out of evidence, and into the hands of a 12-year old.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who held the evidence?
Abby Sciuto: ...We did. It was an NCIS case.

Abby Sciuto: [Imitating Gibbs] Ziva, pull case files from Norfolk PD. Find out who bought that gun.
[Ziva snickers]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You heard her.
[Ziva looks at Gibbs, then at Abby and goes to her desk]
Abby Sciuto: I could get used to this.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as he passes her] Don't.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Something on fire?
Abby Sciuto: No. I'm just burning sage to take the hex off the gun. It's got some bad mojo. And I want to get rid of it before the babies are born.
[Abby sighs]
Abby Sciuto: It's an evil gun, Gibbs. This gun... kills people.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs...
Abby Sciuto: I know what you're going to say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But this gun kills people!

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, tough time at the Pawn Shop?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva sighs] I ran into a stone wall.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Brick wall.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No! It was a stone wall! I backed up too quickly.

Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Why is it always the case that when two people struggle over a gun, one person never shoots the other? The gun miraculously just goes off.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby said it was an evil gun.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them, I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted, hickory-shafted, vintage golf clubs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Notices Ducky standing nearby] I think you just did.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky walks closer] Let's just call it even, Timothy. That Jazz albumn that I borrowed from you?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good question.
[Ducky leaves]

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why did you take the gun?
Noah Taffet: I guess... I thought it was cool.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Would you still think it was cool if I told you this gun was used to kill somebody?


"NCIS: Mother's Day (#7.16)" (2010)
Ziva David: Ma'am I'd like you to meet,uh, Special Agent Gibbs.
Joann: Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey Joann.
Ziva David: You two know each other?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Agent David, Joann Fielding. My mother-in-law.
Joann: *Ex*-mother-in-law.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shannon's mom.
Joann: Kelly's grandmom.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Leon, we've all lost people. It was a long time ago.
Leon Vance: Don't give me that B.S. Gibbs! I know what pushes your buttons. This could be a problem.

Jimmy Palmer: I'm just test driving for my big date. I'm also trying on disposable contact lens.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Change is good Mr. Palmer, as long as you are the motivation for the change.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Ugh. Smells like a French whorehouse in here!
Jimmy Palmer: Uh, that's me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This is about the murder of Joseph Norton, Joann.
Joann: Well do your damn job, Jethro! Nothing ever stopped you *before*. Nothing's gonna stop you now!

Leon Vance: We think she set him up. Both men linked to the same cartel responsible for Shannon and Kelly's deaths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Really, Leon? Make her awfully clever; my mother-in-law, the vigilante.
Leon Vance: Go ahead Gibbs. Cross it. Try me.

Margaret Allison Hart: You really want to talk to her?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I want some answers. I want the truth.
Margaret Allison Hart: Hmph. Law School 101. Truth's overrated.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The case will never stick, right?
Margaret Allison Hart: You just made a very big mistake!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You won.
Margaret Allison Hart: Did I?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [entering Vance's office, after interviewing Joann] This won't take long.
Leon Vance: I'll be the judge of that.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Protocol. I am related to the victim.
Leon Vance: Mm-hmm.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: S.O.P. is for you to ask me to step aside.
Leon Vance: Okay, I'm asking.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. I'm declining.
Leon Vance: She was Shannon's mother. This is another violent crime. It has to affect you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Leon, we've all lost people. It was a long time ago.
Leon Vance: Don't give me that b.s., Gibbs. I know what pushes your buttons.

[Gibbs has a flashback of Shannon and Kelly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering the restroom where Gibbs is] Sorry, boss. Uh... Detective McCadden is here.
[Gibbs takes time to dry his face]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You need anything?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You to, uh... to leave.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.


"NCIS: Truth or Consequences (#7.1)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [from trailer] You hear anything about Ziva?

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, really? Tony picks? Because, you know, coming from anyone else, that might be considered a lapse in judgement.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you both pick.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That makes much more sense.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't trust me to be professional?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No casting couch.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Referring to a prospective replacement] She's unflappable.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's unflappable.
[Candidate runs out of the conference room crying. Gibbs hands folder to DiNozzo]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strike one.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Dunham says the Mossad presence has increased in North Africa.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Prepping for an offensive?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or course correction. Clean up a failure.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of failure?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The kind with casualties.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, you guys have a whole little thing going on. But I get it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Bob's your uncle. I'm hip. I dig it.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good. Got a volunteer?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I volunteer myself and Special Agent McGee for the secret fact finding mission thingy. That's not so secret in the Sahara. What are you gonna do?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't want to know.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good talk.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I told you about the... the brains. I told you about the guts, I told you about the muscle, the scientist, the politician, the leader, I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.
Saleem Ulman: Which is?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm the wild card. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right? But I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie "True Lies." You know where Arnie's strapped to the chair, shot full of truth serum? Picks his cuffs, and kills everybody? You have 30 seconds to live, Saleem.
Saleem Ulman: [chuckles] No, you're still bound. You're lying.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?
[a bullet flies through window and kills Saleem. Hundreds of yards away, Gibbs looks up from the sights of his rifle]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [over radio] Go.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [drops file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear... Got a missing kid. Grab your gear... Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear... Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!

[Tony is asking McGee to help fix his television set]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's computers. It's your thing. If I had a thing, I would show it off all the time.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Petty officer Kevin Wingate. Disciplined for drug possession. Low quantity.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Personal use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of discipline?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sixty day restriction.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. He hasn't been off the boat?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not in two months.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he didn't get the dose on land, he could have cooked it up himself.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or someone brought it to him. Shipmates thought he'd kicked.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I guess he fell off.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [entering] We do not guess, Timothy. Nor do we assume, presume, conjecture, or prognosticate.


"NCIS: Swan Song (#8.23)" (2011)
Mike Franks: Better catch me up, probie. I'm lost.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...So am I.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: No case?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. There's a case. Just not ours.
NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: [Barret enters. To her team] Gear up!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When's a swan know he's about to die?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Some animals just know - when the end is near.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No coincidence you were in Hawaii with the Port-to-Port killer.
Trent Kort: I wasn't with him. I was pursuing him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bang up job you did there, Kort.
Trent Kort: Can you... walk on this side DiNozzo? Still getting used to the limited peripheral visiion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know flounders only have eyes on one side of their head.
Mike Franks: Halibut too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Think that's typical of most... bottom feeding mud suckers. Out of curiosity, your eyeball, we're holding on to it for you by the way, how come it opens up restricted areas at NCIS?
Trent Kort: If I recall, you once slammed one of those doors in my face. Always hoped for the opportunity to show you nothing's off limits to the Agency.

NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: Kort claims to be the one who interevene in Hawaii.
Leon Vance: Well, I'm reluctant to take anything Kort has to say at face value.
[Gibbs laughs]
Leon Vance: Would you care to share, Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, as far as confirmation, his face has some value. It's no glass slipper.
Leon Vance: You proposing we stuff the eye back in the socket - see if it fits?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you're looking for volunteers...
Leon Vance: Agent Gibbs and I have a... bit of a history with this particular operative.
NCIS Special Agent Erica Jane 'EJ' Barrett: Oh. Then it should make it easier to initiate inter-agency cooperation.
Leon Vance: [Vance chuckles] Nothing's ever easy with Trent Kort.

Mike Franks: You do hear ghosts, probie?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah. I see 'em too.
Mike Franks: I believe we make 'em.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We've made our share.
Mike Franks: Not just with this.
[Indicating his gun]
Mike Franks: But the memories we make. We - fill the spaces we live in with them. That's why - I've always tried to make sure that wherever I live, the longer I live there - the spaces become filled with memories - of naked women.
[Both laugh]
Mike Franks: To more good memories.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. Fewer bad ones.
Mike Franks: How about fewer altogether?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We did pull a slug embedded in a parked car. Traces of blood. Through-and-through. We can assume Cobb got hit at least once.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Mike's swan song.
Ziva David: ...Excuse me.
[Ziva leaves]

Leon Vance: I'm your boss, Gibbs. And we've been tight. Sometimes tight like a damn noose. So if I backed off on our friendship - maybe I had to step back take a deep breath and do my job. I have other people I have to answer to.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Maybe - maybe when bodies were showing up in Europe, but when it's in my own backyard! And you promote that - ROOKIE over me?
Leon Vance: That wasn't my decision.

Leon Vance: But he uses bait to attract his targets. He's never baited you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, not me. He feels a kinship with me because I got skipped over.
Leon Vance: In favor of Barrett.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There is no witness. He videoed himself. He's using it to bait the trap.


"NCIS: Judgment Day: Part 2 (#5.19)" (2008)
Mike Franks: So Jenny couldn't do it back then, girl was artist with the steel.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not then.
Mike Franks: What changed?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Me.

Mike Franks: [referring to Natasha] They're going to have your ass when they find her body.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're not going to find her body.

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: She put up a hell of a fight.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not good enough

Mike Franks: She called me two days ago. Said she need some help from someone outside the agency.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Another one of her ops.
Mike Franks: One of yours. Europe.

Mike Franks: What'd I tell you about leaving them loose end?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not to. We didn't.
Mike Franks: Well you screwed the pooch somewhere. Decker's cover was blown, made it look like a heart attack.

Mike Franks: If you're looking for an apology.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know better.
Mike Franks: I'm sorry Gunny.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: When are you back?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On my way.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What about Tony and -
[McGee's search completes]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we got a problem here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [scoffs] Just *one*?

NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Think of a reason why I shouldn't personally throw the book at you for hindering a Federal Inquiry.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because you want this to go away.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Where the hell are you?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not far.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Franks with you?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Should he be?
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: If he's not then he's on his way to Mexico with Decker's insurance policy... Don't smile!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [answering a call from Gibbs] Jethro.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after awkward silence] I know I typically dominate the coversation, but since you called me...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Jenny's dead. Yesterday.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear. I... I can't believe that it happened so...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She was murdered. Firefight.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Tony and Ziva?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not involved.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What can I do?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Five bodies... on their way.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I assume one of them is...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. Tell McGee, tell Abby. I'm gonna need them.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I know, Duck.
[Ducky solemnly turns to Abby and McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jenny.
[Abby gaps in horror]


"NCIS: Ignition (#7.11)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey boss, I got an article here that you may want to read. I can send the link to your email or text the link to your phone.
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or I can just print it out on paper and give it to you in your hand.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Revolutionary concept, McGee.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So McGee, do you know what killed Lt Commander Sayers?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think I do.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You *think*, or you *know*?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I know one thing, his jetpack exploded.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Jetpacks?... Yeah, it's going to be a weird one.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee] All right I believe you. You got the lead on this one.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, gonna need to get a look at Tillman's financials. I'm gonna stay here.
[to DiNozzo and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You two - go out and talk to him.
Ziva David: So McGee is not coming to the jet pack factory?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ok, well, you get your homework done, and - and then you can go out an play with the neighbor kids.
[DiNozzo chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good boy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [DiNozzo and Ziva leave. To McGee] The price of being in charge.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Speaking of a lawyer] Oh, acts like she hates me, but... she talks like she... likes me.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Ever been married to her?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Chuckles] Yeah, that would explain it, wouldn't it?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You were looking to pick a fight.
Margaret Allison Hart: I didn't pick this fight. But now that I've met you - I'm *glad* to be in it!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can't believe the Mexican authorities dropped the charges against Colonel Bell. Colonel Bell. Wonder if there's any relationship to Bell Labs. Bell Labs: inventors of the rocket belt. Rocket belt's an amazing model. It's a catalyst that decomposes hydrogen peroxide into pressurized steam and oxygen. You get significant thrust from lightweight rockets for about thirty seconds...
[Gibbs nonchalantly slabs McGee's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I got it, McGee. You know a lot about jet packs.

[Allison Hart unexpectedly shows up at Vanessa Tillman's workshop]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She's your client, too?
Margaret Allison Hart: If she wishes to be. And I would advise her at this time to refrain from speaking to you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You also represent her ex-husband. That's not a conflict of interest?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was his!
Ziva David: What was?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack. It didn't belong to either of the Tillmans, it belonged to Sayers.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He built his own jet pack?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The pack uses fighter jet engineering. That's the missing piece. Sayers ripped off the technology from both of the Tillmans and...
Ziva David: He borrowed from the Navy, as well, to build his own version, which used the best of all three.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it crashed.
Ziva David: So, it was not very good.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That was the intention. The intention was to crash. To dispose of the body where it wouldn't be discovered.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was pretty far off the beaten path.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Any decent pilot could have flown it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How about a great pilot? Sheridan wanted the job with Tillman. Petitioned the Navy for it.
Ziva David: But Sayers took that, then picked up a second one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sheridan loses out twice, probably doesn't respond well to that.
Ziva David: Gonna pull the squadron's psych profiles.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Let's double check their paperwork, scan their files for engineering backgrounds. Need to talk to Gibbs.
[McGee looks around and notices Gibbs isn't at his desk]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where is Gibbs?
[Tony, smirking, points his desk phone]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [on speaker] Right here, Elf Lord.


"NCIS: Bloodbath (#3.21)" (2006)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: So this was an accident?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby, doesn't have accidents!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Well Abby also doesn't have enemies. I mean it's not like we're talking about Agent DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!... Ma'am.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after McGee's chair has been confiscated by Gibbs, for failing to protect Abby the night before] Where's your chair?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He doesn't deserve to sit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: With that ass?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't want you to be alone tonight, Abs. You're going with McGee!
Abby Sciuto: Great! Like I haven't been traumatized enough today.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you request this specific room when you called the lodge?
Lillian Hencheck: No we asked for the one with the eviscerated squirrels, but this was all they had.
Albert Hencheck: What the hell kind of question is that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Our last one.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it back, Tony. It was a gift.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: From who? Your wet nurse?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. From me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice calendar, Boss.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to Abby and McGee] I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.

Abby Sciuto: I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I mention the restraining order?
Abby Sciuto: Ok it was lot out of hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Abby's stalker] The only reason you're still able to walk is that I'd never heard about you before today.

Abby Sciuto: [showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The knuckles are Director Shepherd's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did it?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, can you say it again.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
[puts his arm around her]
Abby Sciuto: Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm. I'll move your whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.


"NCIS: Guilty Pleasure (#7.19)" (2010)
Ziva David: You what what you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Itch." And yes we are.
Ziva David: You are like a married couple.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Oh no, they're not. They're still speaking.

Holly Snow: Oh my rates have always been reasonable, Special Agent Gibbs. I'm just looking for... a little change of pace... and this.
[Holly whispers to Gibbs]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...That's a deal breaker.
Holly Snow: You need me, Gibbs.

Leon Vance: Either way you have leverage on Charolette. She has to co-operate.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's the plan.
Leon Vance: Well, that's easier said than done.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's sex, Leon. Ain't nothing easy about sex.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [after Holly explains how she entered her line of work] And they say you can't make money with a Liberal Arts Degree.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's good work.
[Gibbs tries to hug Abby]
Abby Sciuto: Wait... Could you give McGee my hug today? Because he really needs one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Gibbs turns and looks at McGee] ... I'm good Boss.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Holly Snow can't be located] I didn't chain her to my leg, Leon.
Leon Vance: Why not? Other men have paid money to do it.

Holly Snow: All I wanted was dinner without expectations... with a friend.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We're friends?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Holly Snow can't be located] I didn't chain her to my leg, Leon.
Leon Vance: Why not? Other men have paid money to do it.

Holly Snow: All I wanted was dinner without expectations... with a friend.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We're friends?


"NCIS: Kill Screen (#8.16)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after Gibbs hits his computer with a bat] Boss. That's - that's really not going to help.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, it helps me.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Just give me one second here boss. Almost got this fixed.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Slight pause. Then Gibbs pulls out all the power cords in his surge protector] Fixed!

Abby Sciuto: Gotta start somewhere.
[Holding up a jar for McGee's defense fund]
Abby Sciuto: Pony up. McGee is not going to jail if I can help it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh McGee's not going to jail, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Can you say that will 100% accuracy.
[pause. Gibbs puts some money in the jar]
Abby Sciuto: All right, now on to the case.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about Snyder] Been missing for 2 days... You should keep better tabs on your investments. 100 Gs is a lot of money.
Agah Bayar: Forgive me... if I don't take business advice from a government employee.
[Gibbs shows him some shots of the kill screen]
Agah Bayar: Where did you get those?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Government employee. Look familiar?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: We got enough, boss.
Blake Martin: ...Enough?... You don't have my fingerprints.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No... But we just got your confession.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after an explosion] Boss,can you hear me? Boss?
Computer: Third firewall has been breached.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Can you hear me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Coughing] Hey McGee. You missed one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sorry about that.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, now we're going to have to shutdown the computer using the Unix command line.
Computer: 10... 9... 8...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Now listen to me carefully -
[Gunshots are heard over the feed]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss? What's happening? Talk to me, boss. What's happening? Are you okay? Can you hear me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Game over.
Computer: 2... 1
[Gibbs shoots the computer again]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about his computer] McGee! I hate this thing, McGee!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Running] No! Don't shoot!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Corporal Zack Armstrong, 25, was a decorated Marine.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He was about to be deployed to Afghanistan. Before that, he served two tours in Iraq.
Ziva David: Which earned him a Silver Star.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He single-handedly captured the Nine and Ten of Clubs in the Iraq War fugitive deck of cards.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: High-profile targets.
Ziva David: With many just now being sentenced.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think the corporal's murder was payback for their capture?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, he was tied to a tree while somebody tried to drive off with his feet. He certainly pissed off somebody.


"NCIS: The Immortals (#1.4)" (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Seaman Russell McDonald. 19. Assigned to the USS Foster.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Destroyer. Spruance Class.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, look at that, the new kid on the block's been doin' her homework.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a bikini. Two piece.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: A bottom. And a hat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Puerto Rican?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any chance you're gonna try that on?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You first!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust me. Not gonna fit.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Pigs. I work with pigs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] Kate is going with you.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'm sure Tony can handle this alone.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When did an order turn into a debate?

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Reynolds says there's no known material missing, but the intel's soft. They'll continue to check.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stay on it every five minutes.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He expressly told me to wait for his call.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, I expressly don't give a damn. Ride his ass.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [about online games] And why do they use such weird names?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, "Jethro" doesn't cut it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] Neither does "Tony".

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [comes back from a trip bearing gifts] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character books and dice... baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

[about the crew on board a destroyer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: To them, we're the Internal Affairs of the Navy.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Skipper, I have reason to believe a bomb, possibly containing a bio-agent, is set to detonate aboard this ship by sunset.
Commander Rivers: How real do you think that threat is?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Very real.


"NCIS: Heart Break (#2.8)" (2004)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [as Dr. Byers arrives] We were finished here, weren't we, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [long pause. Gibbs notices Ducky's interest in Byers] Oh, we were, Ducky.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Is that Dornan's surgeon with Ducky?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky's older, Kate. Not dead.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why are you being so tough on Agent Cassidy?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't do anything to her, yet.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You made her spend the day alone... with DiNozzo.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She survived... They're on their way back.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You a law student?
Spenser: Second year Georgetown.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm going to give you a lesson tonight in *practical* law. I'm going to ask for Hayes's room key. *Politely.* And you're going to hand it over.
Spenser: Key? Hotels haven't used keys in years
[Gibbs groans]
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: If he has to wake a judge, *nobody* is going to be happy.
Spenser: [hands them the key. Gibbs and Todd leave] Okay, but announce yourself first. That's in compliance with the recent Supreme Court decision.

Special Agent Paula Cassidy: Agent Gibbs, I need to explain...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There's nothing to explain, Agent Cassidy! You didn't file a report. And now two Naval Officers are *dead*. Would it have mattered? We'll *never* know!

[Gibbs introduces Dr. Janice Byers to Ducky, who removes his hat, smiles, and is tongue-tied]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Dr. Mallard is a man of few words.

[last lines]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't let any woman affect you like this, Duck. Especially one you didn't know that well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, my concerns are more immediate. I have two tickets for the opera tonight. She was going to accompany me. Jethro?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I wonder if Kate would be interested. Do you know where she is?
Anthony DiNozzo: No.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's going to happen?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. You did everything by the book.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I killed an innocent man, Gibbs!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was suicide-by-cop, Kate. Get over it!


"NCIS: Patriot Down (#7.23)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wow. Agent Macy's personal notes. There's years of them here. All dating back to when she was an MP at Pendleton.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Box it. All of it, McGee. Check the dates. See if anything's missing. Try to figure out what this guy's looking for.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Anything in particular.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...Just check it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Relax. Exhale.
Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Kaylen Burrows: Trying sir.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Try harder. And don't call me "sir."

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You need to get a message to him now. Right now!
Camila Charo: Si, senor. I will try.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The message is Rule number 44. Repeat it back to me.
Camila Charo: Rule 44. He will know what that means?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Just give him the message. Make sure he has Leyla and Amira with him. Just do that, okay?

Randall Hammond: I'd like to speak to my son.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'd like to speak to Lara Macy. But she's dead! Did you kill her?
Randall Hammond: Who the hell is Lara freaking Macy?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs grabs Hammond and throws him against the Interogation one-way Mirror] Did you kill her? DID YOU?

Margaret Allison Hart: I haven't told him anything about you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You must have. Because people around me are dying. People I care about. Bell is after me.
Margaret Allison Hart: Because you threw him in a Mexican jail.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He's a criminal!
Margaret Allison Hart: Is he? Is that for you to decide? I'm his attorney, Mr. Gibbs. He's a patriot. It's my job to defend him!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He's a murderer! How's it feel to be in the murder business, Ms. Hart?
Margaret Allison Hart: I don't like what you're suggesting.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Be honest with me. Just one time. BE HONEST WITH ME!

Abby Sciuto: I owe you everything. You're Gibbs. No one needs to know the truth about the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do *anything* for you. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby Sciuto: My job. But it's different - this time. It has to be, right?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, it doesn't.

Elisabeth Macy: Did you know my daughter well?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, unfortunately, I only got to meet her one time.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She was an outstanding agent. Good person.

Randall Hammond: My son didn't do anything wrong.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not what Petty Officer Burrows says.
Randall Hammond: I know all about her, her little story. She's lying.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mr. Hammond, if your son's so clean, why'd two Navy sailors drive all the way out here to kick his ass?


"NCIS: Ex-File (#5.3)" (2007)
D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: You have to go up to go down, right?
[pushes the elevator button]
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him now, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My acting Boss says you ain't going anywhere.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you sell and who'd you sell it to?
D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: [turns around faces Gibbs] Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
[Gibbs moves out of the way, Abby moves forward and punches Rinnert in the nose]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs is trying to get the name of Marsden's date] Name.
Army Major Eric Sweigart: Stephanie Flynn.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: The woman who was with Jill Reynolds?
Army Major Eric Sweigart: That's right.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stephanie Bronwyn Flynn?
Army Major Eric Sweigart: Yeah.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [quietly to Gibbs] You know her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I was married to her.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Do you have a *problem* with Colonel Mann interviewing your ex-wife?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I have a choice?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard, Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: No!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Problem solved!

D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: [after the data has been deleted] Abby, I'm hurt that you think that I'd do this.
Abby Sciuto: Can I hit him, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: We - we have a - a little issue?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: We?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Do you want to tell her, Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not particularly.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Is this issue going to involve *lawyers*?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: It already did. It's his ex-wife, she's a material witness.

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [about Stephanie] Bring her in for another interview.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Tony and Ziva start to leave] Wait.
[Tony and Ziva stop]
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And I said wait!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This never turns out well for the kids.

[Abby has bought the team iPods with her tax refund]
Abby Sciuto: It's the newest version, Gibbs. It's a hundred and sixty gigabytes. You could download like, forty thousand songs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I only listen to five, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Five thousand?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Five.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, Gibbs. We really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.
[Gibbs' phone rings]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Like Android Lust, or Flesh-Eating Foundation, Green Satan, or Suicide Commando.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hanging his phone up] Dead Marine.
Abby Sciuto: Never heard of 'em.


"NCIS: See No Evil (#2.1)" (2004)
[Gibbs is leaving for the Pentagon to visit hostage]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Wait! Gibbs, if they're watching him and you show up...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I better make sure they don't notice me.
[Gibbs leaves]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That is *not* a good call.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next thing I want you to do is hack into Watson's computer. It's the only link we have to the kidnapper.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, we are talking about the Pentagon here. Even their encryptions have encryptions.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Damn, McGee! Why are you still here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Uh, the, the, the contractors, they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It, it's a union thing. So...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So-o-o-o... you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around, all day, by yourself?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [standing behind Gibbs] Man asked you a question.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Why, uh, no, I just, I wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he could use a workout.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, it... it... it's not that difficult. So I, uh, I guess I could do it myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good answer.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.

[Tony has just made a covert dropoff disguised as a Chinese restaurant delivery guy]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on phone] Delivery complete.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone] That's good work, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, Boss, that means a lot.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS doesn't work out, I hear General Wi's Chinese Restaurant's hiring.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, um, I... I think, um...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Need help?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.
Abby Sciuto: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I want her listening to the live feed.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs! She's been traumatized enough!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? What about growing up without a mother, Kate?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're not the FBI dirtbag.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, I got some good new, and some bad news for you. - You've just been promoted
[holds up envelope with McGee's promotion]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: to a full time field agent.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You belong to *me* now!


"NCIS: Semper Fidelis (#6.24)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Medical examiner's here.
Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: Great. NCIS takes the lead. Supported by FBI, ICE. CIA can go home. My house, my rules.

ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: Four high profile targets in the same room. We were tasked with protection.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For a poker game?
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: We take even the simplest assignments seriously.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not seriously enough.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "Intelligence summit?"
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Seems like a classic contradiction in terms. Don't give me the look. I didn't know.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You had suspicions?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Because you had suspicions. I'm riding shotgun here, Gibbs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mind if i borrow it?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Go easy, Hoss. She was just doing what she was told.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You do not get to determine what is worth sharing and what is not.
ICE Agent Julia Foster-Yates: I do not answer to you, Agent Gibbs!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, you do. Yes... you... do! What else have you left out?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Entering Leon's office] We need to know what they were discussing.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Please come right in.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: It's crucial to the investigation.
Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: Suppose it goes to motive.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...Yes it does, Mr. Secretary.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS wasn't represented.
Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: I was there.

Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: [after Gibbs hands Davenport Leon's file] Well let's see what the CIA's got on Leon Vance... I thought we shredded all these. How does this thing keep finding its way into the open? It's not even real. Lucky you didn't read this. Wouldn't give you the whole picture anyway.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you will?

Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: You and Leon gotta play nice.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ordering me to trust him?
Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: Just to follow him... We don't beat our brothers.


"NCIS: Good Cop, Bad Cop (#7.4)" (2009)
NCIS Director Leon Vance: You know her better than I do. Closer to her than anyone.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your relationship with her father doesn't tie your hands?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: No. It absolutely does. So good cop, bad cop.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Plenty of ways to break someone, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I figure she's been broken enough.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, good cop, bad cop. Which one are you?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Isn't this punishing her?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, maybe it's tough loving.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You do know there are other kinds.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you already missed your chance to rescue Ziva.
Mossad Officer Malachi Ben-Gidon: Then I hope I've arrived in time to rescue her from *you*.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This is the way your boss operates? Sends you to try to burn her?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're father Ziva, he's not a good guy. He's dirty.
Officer Ziva David: [to Ben-Gidon] You could not say "no" to him. Not a second time.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Bi-Gidon] Go. Get out of here! You tell Eli David to stay away! She's off limits!

Officer Ziva David: I had nothing but death in my heart.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never had a choice. He didn't give you a choice. He raised you to be a ruthless, souless killer.
Officer Ziva David: I did not mean to live through it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You didn't. That part of you died out there.
Officer Ziva David: I am... sorry, Gibbs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Handing Ziva her approved paperwork] Get to work... probie.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Guess it's time for you to get in there and do the bad cop.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You were being the good cop?


"NCIS: Masquerade (#7.14)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Looking at the intel for Libertad Nueva] That's it?
Leon Vance: That and the fact that his car glows in the dark.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of people?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He said the kind of people he wouldn't want to meet with.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] We knocking?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would you like the honors?
[Gibbs indicates his injured arm]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Marine Lance Corporal Roman Vega: All right, screw the lawyer! I...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ah.
[Passes him some papers]
Marine Lance Corporal Roman Vega: What is that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An attorney waiver.
[Vega signs the waiver]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU MARINE?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee. Come on. You're with me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where we going?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To find the bomb.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't make me say it, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, the - the threat of contamination is minimal.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Go. That's an order. Now. Leave!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's an order I'm disobeying.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Finding Hart in his home] Am I the only one who needs a warrant?
Margaret Allison Hart: Door was unlocked.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well that's gonna end soon.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You knew that it was gonna land you... in front of me.
Margaret Allison Hart: Don't flatter yourself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yet here you are... again.
Margaret Allison Hart: I have my reasons.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. And I have a job to do... and you keep getting in the way.

Margaret Allison Hart: [to her client] Mr. Gibbs is trying to make you nervous. Don't let him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Special Agent".
Margaret Allison Hart: Excuse me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Special Agent Gibbs".


"NCIS: Out of the Frying Pan (#8.18)" (2011)
Ziva David: This is from a metro investigation from 2 weeks ago. Does anyone else find this odd?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Yeah, me.
[Gibbs sits at his desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gear up, boss?
Ziva David: Nope.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "Let's go." "Dead Marine." "Grab your gear?"
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So we're taking this case so your friend can get a better tee time?
Leon Vance: No. We're taking this case to put a way a guy that killed a Marine... We need to get a monster to admit that he's a monster. Do you think you can do it?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nick, can you honestly test me... for certain... that you didn't kill your father?
Nick Peyton: ...No.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Somebody was trying to cover up the real cause of death?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, that's hard to determine, but uh, if I could speculate...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, speculate, Duck.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Vance is about to enter Interogation with an axe] Bringing down a kid, Leon, not a tree.

Leon Vance: Call the US Attorney's office.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: About that favor?
Leon Vance: Tell them, we finally got our confession.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, just one problem, Leon... I don't believe him.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You swung an axe at a scared kid, Director Vance. One person on a jury finds coercion in that, he will walk!
Leon Vance: His confession trumps your gut! I'm calling the US Attorney.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This wasn't a favor. This was an execution!... And he didn't do it!

Nick Peyton: You're giving me a free pass?... How do you know I'm not playing you?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I don't... Let's just talk.


"NCIS: Enigma (#1.15)" (2004)
Agent Charles: You're under arrest.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For what?
Agent Charles: Pissing off the F.B.I.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get used to it.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: If you screw me on this...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll consider it a bonus.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, it's a good thing I'm not there, then.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you mean "thought?"
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Do I really have to say it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Say what?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[the bomb explodes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as they're going after Gibbs's CO] You take a shot at him, you answer to me!
[Gibbs leaves]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I can live with that.
[pulls out his weapon]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That would be the reason for rule #12.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's rule #12?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never date a coworker.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We need to talk to you, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: About what you're not telling us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We know you made contact with Colonel Ryan.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tony lifted your cell phone while you were charging it today. You received a phone call last night around 1900 from a bar payphone in Georgetown, McPhinley's Pub.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lifted my cell phone?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Borrowed. But, uh... we showed your photo and Ryan's to the bartender this afternoon.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He remembered seeing the both of you between 2100 and 2130.
Abby Sciuto: Which explains why you knew Ryan had been in the country more than two days.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You borrowed my cell phone?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Look, we understand the situation and we just wanna help.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We can't back your play if we don't know what it is.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Now, let me get this straight. W-what you're saying is you stole my cell phone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think next time, we can skip the cell phone part, Kate.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, touch my cell phone again, I'll break your fingers.


"NCIS: Recoil (#5.16)" (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You done?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't need the bugs, Boss. Got Hoffman's latest victim, number five. Female caucasian, mid-to-late 20's. Dead on the living room floor.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What about the finger?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yep, missing a finger.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [handing cell phone to McGee] Call Ziva! Giver her the distress code! Tell her we're taking Hoffman down NOW!

Det. Steve Rosetti: How'd you get on to Hoffman?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Officer David was working undercover at a bar where two of the victims were last seen.
Det. Steve Rosetti: We were planning on doing the same thing if you guys hadn't taken over the case.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know Rosetti, I don't think Hoffman's your type.

Det. Steve Rosetti: I've already given you everything I think is relevant.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well then give me everything you think *isn't*!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Speaking from *personal* experience, Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: That's why I'm *never* getting married.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ziva's looking at Hoffman's body in autopsy] You've gotta stop staring at this one, Ziva.
[Ziva puts the body away]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Put it behind you.

Officer Ziva David: He did not hurt me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hands Ziva some coveralls] Need your clothes. Get changed. Get an X-ray.
[moves closer to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do not need to see you again today.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is *that* what this about? You *doubting* your judgment?
Officer Ziva David: I should have moved earlier.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Officer Ziva David: I left it too late.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still took him out.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] I almost died.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: But you didn't.
[moves closer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've gotta trust your judgement, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be almost.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Re-examine the crime scene. Canvas Hoffman's neighborhood. Take another look at the surveillance video. Tomorrow! Go home. Been a long day. Get some rest.
[to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You. I do not need to see you here tomorrow!


"NCIS: Royals & Loyals (#8.4)" (2010)
Ziva David: You are jealous.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. But I am concerned about National Security.
Ziva David: He's got a very impressive clearance level.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now you're trying to make me feel inadequate.
Ziva David: Heh.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] No. That's my job, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. Start with the wife. Tony, Ziva.
Ziva David: [Speaking simultaneousely with DiNozzo] Um, I would prefer to go with McGee...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can't. She's very talented but I...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah,and I'd rather be fishing. Go!

Royal Marine Major Peter Malloy: You know I heard you're a former Marine.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: *Always* a Marine, Malloy.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lucky break, huh? Got some time.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo.
[Holding up a large wrench]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No such thing as luck.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bolos-R-Us, boss. We got the entire Eastern seaboard covered.
Ziva David: Metro PD's on the bus, train and subway station.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've alerted Airport police, the State Troopers in Maryland and Virginia.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Customs and ICE are staying frosty.
Ziva David: Secret Service Uniform Division is monitoring the British Embassy and consulate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And the Coast Guard's got the shipyard wired.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Good work.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Complimenting us? Never a good sign.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You've got ten seconds until I accidentally shoot you for trespassing.
Royal Marine Major Peter Malloy: I've been setup. You know, I thought MI-6 was good. But your CIA, they're very impressive.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about Malloy] Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who was the most recent Station Chief there?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, boss that would require me hacking into...
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Do it, Agent McGee.
[the Station Chief appears]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Well, I'll be damned.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Time to go above her head, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Happy to.


"NCIS: Twilight (#2.23)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You did good.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For once, Dinozzo's right.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever got a...
[gunshot is fired hits Todd in the head and she falls to the ground dead. Blood sprays on DiNozzo and Gibbs]
Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly] Sorry, Caitlin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [his gun drawn, looking around in horror] Ari.

Ari Haswari: [after telling Gibbs he's on a mission to kill him] What would you do in my place?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kill myself.
Ari Haswari: [laughing] Sorry I think not. It's the one part of my religion that I subscribe to.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We've been calling you for the last *hour*, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, yeah. My ringer thing got turned off.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You're never gonna believe whose back in town.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ari.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe you will.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Fornell said that he's - he's here to...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kill me. Yeah, I know. I just had coffee with him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So what happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He tried to kill me.
[looks up at both of them with a "duh" expression]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How much should I tell him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell him, he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [Kate walks in] What?
[Fornell, DiNozzo, Todd walk into MTAC]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro. That's very dramatic. What was my first?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You should have warned me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I*did*!
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [to DiNozzo and Todd] In my defense, I thought he was exaggerating... He wasn't.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm taking him down!
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Not this time. The FBI can handle it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The civilians in the coffee shop that he tried to blow up today, would disagree with you, Tobias.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Look if it was up to me. I'd put a bullet through his forhead! It's not. You're sitting this one out!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You gonna try to stop me?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: No. Not me, Jethro.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go home. It's late.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs I don't think we're going to be going home!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm staying here. I do not need an army of agents staying up all night watching me build a boat.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You won't leave the building?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If I do, I'll call you. Go. Go home. Get some sleep. First thing tomorrow we're gonna check out Danbourne Avionics find out what the FBI missed... GO!

[Tony returns from sick leave a week early, and finds Kate and McGee ignoring him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe I *did* die.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feel that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Feel what?
[Gibbs slaps Tony's head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ow!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smirking] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss! State cops ran the Mustang's plates. It's a rental car out of Dulles Airport. I got call into this...
[DiNozzo loses a step and tumbles down the hill, landing face down]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ow.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you OK?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm just trying to catch my breath.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should have taken that extra week off, DiNozzo. Help him up, Kate. I'm gonna see what's keeping Ducky.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Did that hurt?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [strained] Yup.
[Todd snaps an unflattering photo of DiNozzo on the ground]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Good.
[DiNozzo reaches for help as Todd walks away]


"NCIS: A Desperate Man (#9.13)" (2012)
Ziva David: Ha ha ha. That was very funny. He would never call you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, he just did.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee's phone rings] Uh, I've got a private number coming through here. Think it may be Ray.
Ziva David: Ignore. Hit ignore.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Better hope he doesn't call Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Too late.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's our crime scene, detective.
Metro Detective Robert Flowers: Come here, Nick. Nick.
Metro Detective Nick Burris: MAYA!
Metro Detective Robert Flowers: [Pulling his partner back] He's Detective Nick Burris - her husband.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Go home. Sober up.
Metro Detective Nick Burris: I'm not going anywhere.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Long pause] DiNozzo - conference room.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo escorts Burris to the conference rooms, he passes Flowers] Nice work, Flowers.
Metro Detective Robert Flowers: Like I said bulldog.

Metro Detective Nick Burris: Whoever, uh, did this has to pay.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Let us do our job, detective.
Metro Detective Nick Burris: If you don't, I will.

Metro Detective Nick Burris: I think you don't have a clue how it feels to lose the one you love.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're wrong.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, but I killed the proposal. Should've seen it. Rocked the tuxedo. Set out the candles. I even managed to shed a tear.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Something you want to share, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, not really, boss. But hey, you should be getting ready to play Father of the Bride. I'd base it on the Spencer Tracy classic - and skip the Steve Martin.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? I'm happy for you, Ziva.
Ziva David: Ha. I did not exactly say "yes" so... it's not exactly official.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It will be if it's right.

Metro Detective Nick Burris: She was in trouble, wasn't she? Yeah... Why didn't she tell me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We protect who we love.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Ziva rushes to the elevator after noticing the phone number] Ziva, where you going?
Ziva David: Do not try to stop me, Gibbs. I have something to do.


"NCIS: Cloak (#6.8)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to DiNozzo and Ducky] I used both of you because I knew you could handle it.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you need from us now?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Patience.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Ducky takes one look at a body] Something familiar, Doctor? Reminds me of... Gibraltar.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [exhales] Yeah. That... was the case.
Jimmy Palmer: What happened in Gibraltar?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That's a story for another time, Mr. Palmer.
[closes the lid on the crate]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Let's get back to the van, there's nothing more for us to do here.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't come down here to get my head shrunk.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why did you come down here?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just killing time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh last thing, the other side's using live fire. Do not engage. Do not resist if caught. Get in, get the intel, get out. Nobody gets hurt.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [regard Domino] Leave it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's bogus, DiNozzo... The whole installation is bogus.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Nothing is real?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just the threat.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know who it is?... Do *we* know who it is?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Someone close to us.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You looking to sit in this chair, Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It would be a little awkward, chair's occupied.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Means unfortunately I don't take my orders from you. Might be easier, then I wouldn't have all this.
[indicating his desk]

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You let the toothpick use us as puppets.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, I didn't.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You didn't?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. It was my plan.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...*Your* plan?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Every bit of it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh... That's *much* worse!

[last lines]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [hidden in the back seat of Lee's car] Looks like we're working together.


"NCIS: Obsession (#7.21)" (2010)
Ziva David: Tony, you know, you're getting way too old for these one night stands. Your biological clock is ticking.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Men don't have bilogical clocks. When I meet Ms. Right, I'll be ready to settle down.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Don't ever settle, DiNozzo.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We've got clearance.
Navy Captain Austin Sears: Not for *this* one. Can't read you into the program unless you're cleared by Sec Nav himself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'll make the call.
Navy Captain Austin Sears: I suggest you have your director do it.
[Ends the call]

Margaret Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell's release.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Quietly] Maybe we shouldn't be cooperating, Leon.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Friend killed accidentally. Healthy brother dies of unknown causes. She disappears. I think we're setting a record here for coincidences.

Margaret Allison Hart: I thought you were going to start locking your front door.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, if I did that, I'd have no social life.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Referring to Colonel Bell] He's the one who pays for your $500 shoes.
Margaret Allison Hart: I take offense. They cost 1200.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: When was the last time you saw her?
Margaret Allison Hart: Last week. She wanted to talk. She had... just broken up with her producer boyfriend. And if you want any more from me , you're going to have to ply me with liquor.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I broke rule #10 again. Never get personally involved in a case.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. It's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.


"NCIS: Tell-All (#8.19)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I that that's probably the same cinnamon roll that's been there ever since I started.
Former Marine 1st Lieutenant Sam Keeler: It's looking pretty good to me right now.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs buys the cinnamon roll for Keeler, and hands it to him] First one in, last one out.
Former Marine 1st Lieutenant Sam Keeler: Hoo rah.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You knew enough to love her, Lieutenant. That's all that matters.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You want a tip? You have a problem with your wife, get a divorce.

Jimmy Palmer: [to his bluetooth - laughing] Not if I have anything to say about it. Hon, where did you say we're having dinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh "hon", the Commander cares little about your evening dinner plans, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Uh Brennna - Brenna, I gotta go. Have fun aspirating the bile.
[Ends the call]
Jimmy Palmer: I am so sorry. She like to have someone to talk to while she's embalming.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you should marry that girl, Palmer.

Tobias Fornell: Hey, you get an invitation to Diane's wedding.
[Gibbs stares at DiNozzo. DiNozzo moves away slowly]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I got three.
Tobias Fornell: Three? Woman always was persistent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tobias, she's a pain in the butt.
Tobias Fornell: Are you going?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are *you*?

Tobias Fornell: You know Jethro, if it weren't for Diane, we wouldn't have the - kind of relationship - that we have.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tobias, you've always been a glass half full kind of guy.
Tobias Fornell: Never have to pay alomony again.

Tobias Fornell: Oh come on, Jethro. Before it got bad, there must have been some good times.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She caught her finger in the car door once.

Tobias Fornell: [about Diane's wedding] Who the Hell am I trying to kid? I don't want to go either... Eh, she'll understand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, right - like Hell.
Tobias Fornell: Good point. You know who the new guy is?
[Chuckling]
Tobias Fornell: Homeland Security - she'll never learn.


"NCIS: Housekeeping (#9.12)" (2012)
Ziva David: Well, only you can do something about that Tony. Change my dear
[Ziva snaps her fingers]
Ziva David: requires some action.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This from a woman who's been waiting 8 weeks for a single solitary phone call from one lousy dude.
Ziva David: *Seven." And maybe I'm done with waiting - maybe it's time we *both* finally took some action. Maybe...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] No time for maybes. There's a dead Navy Officer. Nothing maybe about it. Let's go.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to the unseen passenger] Get out of the truck now!
Abby Sciuto: [Cut to Abby's lab] Um, maybe you should give Gibbs a call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tell him we got an ID.
Abby Sciuto, Special Agent Timothy McGee: EJ.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Passenger gets out of the truck] Barrett?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: Hi guys.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You know we were there for you, right?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: I didn't know anything, Gibbs. Except that I needed answers and couldn't count on anyone else to give them to me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not even us?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: Not without putting you in danger again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So you were protecting us?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: And trying to find out who killed Cade before they killed me.

NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: Well, I can't stay here, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Sure you can. Watch this.
[to DiNozzo]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Keep her here!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me?
NCIS Special Agent EJ. Barrett: But I'm the one he's after.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: All the more reason not to take a target along.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I cannot...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, make that two targets. If Stratton behind this guy, then both of you need to sit tight.

Sean Latham: [to Sec Nav Javis] I assumed we'd be meeting in Director Vance's office.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [From behind] Oh, there's more than one SCIF, sir. Why don't you have a seat?
Sean Latham: Agent Gibbs. Guess that leaves you in charge.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Me? No. Sec Nav can hold his own.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [during a gun fight with Stratton] What's he got - a cannon?
Ziva David: Sounds like a .50 caliber round. A gun that size that has limited accuracy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Seems pretty damn accurate to me.

Casey Stratton: I'm sorry for you loss, Gibbs. Wrong place. Wrong time.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Got that right.
[Gibbs makes a phone call]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're ready, boss. Game on?
Casey Stratton: Game over. How are you, DiNozzo?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't kill innocent people for money.
Casey Stratton: So why do you kill innocent people?
[singing]
Casey Stratton: South of the border, down Mexico way. That's where I fell in love. Where the stars above came out to play.


"NCIS: Call of Silence (#2.7)" (2004)
Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Oh, hell no.
Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you...
[he throws a haymaker at Gibbs's face, Gibbs ducks with a grin]

Gibbs: Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He won the Medal of Honor?
Gibbs: You don't "win" the Medal of Honor, Kate. You're awarded it, for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Lt. Commander Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life.
Anthony DiNozzo: Do we have to tell her?
Gibbs: [sarcastically] Well, no, Special Agent DiNozzo. Here at NCIS we just report evidence we like.

[first lines]
Henry: Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, morning, Henry!
Henry: That sushi place you sent me to...
Gibbs: What, you didn't like it?
Henry: I liked it fine, only you didn't tell me I had to speak Japanese to order.
Gibbs: You don't order; you eat what you're served, with a smile. Just like being married.

Gibbs: McGee: he says he's been reporting this to 9-1-1, can't get anybody to believe him.
Timothy McGee: Gee, what a surprise.
Gibbs: Trace the call, I want to hear one of them.
Timothy McGee: On it.
Gibbs: Kate: he's a former Marine, probably WWII. Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Got his Social Security number?
Gibbs: They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: So how am I supposed to get his SRB without his serial number?
Gibbs: Well, Kate, you could ask him.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his shoe size...
Gibbs: [barks an order] Corporal Yost!
Ernie Yost: Yo!
Gibbs: Serial number!
Ernie Yost: 3-3-0-0-9-0, *sir*!
Gibbs: [to Kate] Or, you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients.

[Entering the NCIS building, Ernie sets off the metal detector]
Henry: Are you wearing jewelry?
Ernie Yost: Oh, forgot. Senior moment.
[From around his neck he pulls a medal. Henry looks at it, astonished]
Gibbs: Henry... we're in the presence of a Medal of Honor recipient.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: I'm tired of arguing with you, Gibbs. I want Corporal Yost taken into custody.
Gibbs: I can't.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: Damn it, Gibbs! Do you think I want to incarcerate an eighty-two year old man? I am following the SecNav's direct orders! He said, "investigate," you did, and found enough evidence to hold him over for a court-martial. Now take him into custody!
Gibbs: I said, "can't," not "wouldn't."
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.
Gibbs: The older they are, the sneakier they are.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every fifteen minutes. We got tired of escorting him. One time, he left the room and never came back.
Timothy McGee: We found a window open, he must have shimmied down the drainpipe.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: [sarcastic] I'd like to have seen that.
Timothy McGee: I put out an APB. Airports. Train stations. Taxicabs. Walker... rentals.

[toasting each other with cups of sake]
Gibbs: Semper Fi!
Ernie Yost: Semper Fi!
[they drink, and Yost coughs]
Ernie Yost: Sail again?
Gibbs: Yeah, why not?
[Gibbs calls to the sushi chef in Japanese. The chef responds, and Ernie is surprised to recognize Hitoshi, who refills their cups]
Gibbs: Arigato.
Ernie Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah, would I do that to you?
Ernie Yost: You're damn right you would... and I want to thank you for it.


"NCIS: Code of Conduct (#7.5)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good memories: ring-n-runs, dine-n-ditch.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Lock-and-load. Got a dead marine.
[Tosses keys to Ziva]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: *Agent* David, you're driving.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs gives everyone a cup] You brought us coffee?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's apple cider.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep. Happy Halloween... Breaks over. Run it.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No costume this year, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Oh. After last years Jonas brothers debacle, Vance banned costumes, McGee - skinny jeans - didn't work.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Once is a tragedy. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. We're talking about a black ops widow.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: Tony, the first two husbands died in the line of duty. Giving you no reason to suspect she had anything to do with the third one's death.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I've got...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Evidence.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not to speak of, boss.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then stop speaking.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would make a Marine unit fall apart?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Lack of discipline.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep. Or too much.

NCIS Special Agent Ziva David: [DiNozzo's in the Men's room] Tony. McGee has been here for 6 years. I have been here for 4. I know you're enjoying this, but *we are* agents! So could you *please* stop calling us...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs exits the Men's room] Problem, probie? You've been an agent all of one week. Your Mossad Liason days are over.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well now you get to convince a jury of your peers. That would be a jury of tall leggy blonde bombshells. Stand up. You're under arrest for the murder of Lance Corporal James Korby.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you're not.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get to work
[hands Ziva her appproved request to become an agent]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probie.


"NCIS: Ships in the Night (#8.11)" (2011)
CGIS S.A. Abigail Borin: Killer's not going to confess.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.
CGIS S.A. Abigail Borin: So what are we going to do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We're going to break rule #1.
CGIS S.A. Abigail Borin: Never make excuses?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Never put suspects together.

CGIS S.A. Abigail Borin: Sleep - it's way, way overrated. Don't you think, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I think you're right.

CGIS S.A. Abigail Borin: Dead body on a yacht in Baltimore. So - see ya same time next year, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We'll see.
[Borin starts to leave]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Borin
[Agent Borin stops, and turns around]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Thank you.

Ziva David: What are you doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tallying my overtime.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Oh, you've got a more coming, Skippy. Grab your gear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got another all nighter?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can sleep when you're dead.

Special Agent Abigail Borin: Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent Borin. We gotta stop meeting like this.
Special Agent Abigail Borin: You mean when NCIS takes over one of my cases? My call was a courtesy. Not an invitation.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Body trumps both.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Waking up] Never quite - get used to these extra hours. Heh. I don't know how you and Agent Borin stay so...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Perky?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. No. No. Uh, it's just that - you two have a lot in common.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like what?
Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Entering] Coffee?

Abby Sciuto: Gibbs did you know that the Coast Guard has a long tradition of having an animal mascot on the ship with them. And - and they're so beloved that they're enlisted. They have their own service and medical records, and sometimes even their own bunk. It's cool, huh? How come NCIS doesn't have a mascot?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We do, Abs. - You.
Abby Sciuto: Oh.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, somebody get something!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee's computer beeps] Boss - I got something.
Special Agent Abigail Borin: My guys never do that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get yourself some new guys.


"NCIS: Newborn King (#9.11)" (2011)
Jimmy Palmer: [to the team] You guys, he actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You are. Get off my desk. Grab your gear.
Jimmy Palmer: Ah yes. Duty call. I better call Ed and cancel.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hold on. You're not going anywhere. Family first.

Abby Sciuto: Hey, did he try to pick a fight with you in the Squad room?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, he was just being...
Abby Sciuto: Unseasonably and unreasonably rude!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. He's being a father-in-law-to-be.
Abby Sciuto: Well, if he knows what's good for him, he won't come within 20 feet of my leaves of green.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Displaying his badge] NCIS.
Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: Yeah. I've seen fake credentials before. Hand over your weapons.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There's only one way to get a Marine's weapon.
Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: What do you know about it? You a leatherneck?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Where do you think I got the haircut?

Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: Listen everyone, I don't want any special treatment. I'm a Marine first and pregnant second.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ooo rah.
Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: Ooo right.

Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: I saw a garage out back. I'll help push.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs and Ziva exchange glances] Don't push.

Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: That's what I like about being a Marine: procedures, a code. I like having a measure set of expectations. I could always tell how good I was doing. But with this - how do I know?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't. But you'll be able to tell.

Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: [Reynolds is in labor] Don't leave me, Gibbs. I need someone to tell me how I'm doing.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're doing fine.
Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: Not so sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you asking for special treatment, Marine?
Marine Lieutenant Emma Reynolds: Sir, yes sir - just this once.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, when I joined NCIS. I knew what was expected of me - everything. Doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for the Wendy's of the world.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Did you come here to blame me, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Good.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Family and job - two different cups.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's right.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And if I couldn't fill both, that was my problem.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mm hmmm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What if I can now?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then get out my basement! Man up, and move on!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh? Like you have?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Don't be like me. Learn from it!


"NCIS: Trojan Horse (#4.23)" (2007)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [calling her private line from Paris] Hello Cynthia... hello... Cynthia?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Noooooooo...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Jethro, I should have recognized the heavy breathing. Is the Agency intact?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I cut it up into small bits and pieces and sold it to the three letter boys.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [talking to Cynthia from Paris] Put him back on.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeeeesssss...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Is there any serious business I should know about?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, the Buy America toilet paper doesn't fit the metric fixture and we got to turn...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [she hangs up on him, cutting him off mid sentence]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Cynthia] She hung up on me.
Cynthia Sumner: [sarcastically] Shocking.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I had a wife like you once, Cynthia. I divorced her.
Cynthia Sumner: Beat her to it, did you?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [talking to Gibbs on the phone from Paris] Put Cynthia on.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey how's the Frog...
[long pause]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...legs. You always enjoyed them sauteed in butter.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [angrily] CYNTHIA NOW!

[Gibbs ignores an incoming call from Cynthia]
Dr. Donald Mallard: That wouldn't have been your assistant, would it, Director?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I do hate a nagging woman, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [chuckling] She's only doing her job, Jethro.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [having been caught talking about something other than their investigation] I know, boss. This isn't TV trivia. A dead man was left on our doorstep clutching a hit list. Well, not exactly clutching, but with a hit list in his wallet, and we have to find the two names on the list that haven't been hit yet before they are hit.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We have to find the dirtbag that KILLED THE OTHER FIVE!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are you looking for?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs. He has this uncanny way of just showing up whenever I make a discovery.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He's a little bit off his game since he's been playing director.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on the videophone behind McGee and Abby] Is that so, McGee?


"NCIS: SWAK (#2.22)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Requisition replacement cell phones and weapons for my team. Go!
Jimmy Palmer: Pistols?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, no, Palmer. Crossbows, if you think they might work better.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to check the video from 1130 when I left to 0530 when McGee arrived
Abby Sciuto: You need to get a life, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Last thing I need is another wife!
Abby Sciuto: [speaking louder so he can hear through the bio suit] Life, Gibbs. You need to get a life.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [finding out DiNozzo's test results] Positive? Is he going to be okay?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If he isn't, he answers to ME!

Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He's dying Ducky.
[starts crying, Ducky Hugs her]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as Gibbs walks past them] Ah, the hell he is.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [goes to Tony's bed. Whispers]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, can you hear me?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [weakly] I'm listening, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You will not die.
[Tony starts closing his eyes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs pats him on the head]
[Tony opens his eyes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You. Will. Not. Die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gotcha, Boss.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had a cold.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Never had a *cold*?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had the flu, either.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why do I believe him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [pretending she can't hear] What?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good thinking!
Abby Sciuto: I don't know Gibbs, I can't hear you through the...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I SAID NICE THINKING!
[signs something]
Abby Sciuto: Not nice Gibbs. Not nice.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, Kate's never been sake bombing.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, I don't think I have, either.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I work with a pair of wankers.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] And you make three, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Morning, boss.


"NCIS: Power Down (#7.8)" (2009)
Abby Sciuto: I don't understand. I mean why does Autopsy get back up power and I don't? I mean MTAC, I get that. But what does Ducky have that I don't have?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corpses.
Abby Sciuto: I'll get some corpses.

Anthony Paxton: I told you before. My wife is the victim here.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want answers? You're going to have to give some here.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Meekly] Hey Boss, I was just...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Sternly] Just what? Just rubbing it in? Because he left you with the paperwork earlier?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Humorously] Huh?
[Normal voice]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You found anything?

Abby Sciuto: [Offering a jar to Gibbs] Smell anything?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whiskey.
Abby Sciuto: Good.
[Takes a drink]
Abby Sciuto: It's non alcoholic, but I needed that.

Anthony Paxton: Emma had to do it, right? She didn't have a choice.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, she had a choice... That's what makes her a hero.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Book him, Dann-ozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice "Hawaii Five-O" reference there, boss.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lieutenant Emma Paxton.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: According to her record, which I found in the annex misfiled in a box with a rat trap stuck to it, she works for AFE.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Armed Forces Entertainment.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a DOD agency that, uh, sets up concerts for military overseas.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, Tim, I think he knows what it is. She was a booking agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was she doing at SwiftCast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Appears to have been robbing the place.
[Tony laughs, then notices Gibbs' stare]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean why was she robbing the place.


"JAG: Ice Queen (#8.20)" (2003)
Lt. Bud Roberts, Jr.: [Being interrogated by Gibbs about Singer's murder, quoting President Clinton] I did not have sex with that woman.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's not the best choice of words there, Lieutenant.

Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: 19 years.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: Can you tell somebody's lying by looking them in the eye.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I can.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: Well, look into mine. Ask me. Ask me!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?

Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: So, what makes you think that I would be involved in any other way than professionally with Lt. Singer?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're more comfortable asking questions than you are answering them, huh?
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: I guess I'm not used to being a suspect.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Suspect? Who said you were a suspect? Have I read you your Article 31 rights?
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: No, you haven't. Which means you're playing a very risky game, Gunny.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm not smart enough to play risky games with a lawyer of your caliber, Rabb.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: That's "Commander Rabb." Or "Commander," or "Sir." *Gunny*. I believe, as a reservist, you're still technically in the Marine Corps.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I am an NCIS Special Agent, and I don't have to salute you, or "sir" you, or give you any military courtesy. But you know that. So who's playing the games here?

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kid puts an arrow in a corpse. That's a new one.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just a variation.
[Tony chuckles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I remember we found this old guy. Died watching TV. We found him sitting in the La-Z-Boy, stiff as a board, with a Bud in his hand.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Oh, please. Not another Baltimore homicide story.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Looks like a natural death, but we got to wait for the M.E. to confirm it, right? So, it's dinnertime. My partner and I are starving, so we tell the beat rookie to keep an eye on the stiff. Rookie's never been alone with a body. Well, suddenly, the body goes out of rigor, slumps. The air trapped in the lungs is forced through the voice box, and the corpse *moans*.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Stop it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Rookie freaks, empties his service revolver into the body.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know what I think, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't say it's an urban myth, man, 'cause I was there.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think... you were the rookie.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [dryly] That's funny, Gibbs. Funny. Wrong, but funny.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [asking about their current victim] When'd she die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, gosh! Oh, that was in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least twenty years ago. She was an assistant film editor, and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [indicating the dead body] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's been a while.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You care to be more specific?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not until I do the autopsy.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Humor me.

[after NCIS captures Amad bin Atwa]
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Amad bin Atwa supplied money and explosives to Hasan Mohammed, who executed the attack on the Cole. They're an Al-Jihad team that's been together for nine years. If bin Atwa gives up Hasan, I want in on the kill.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're not tasked with capturing Hasan Mohammed.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Gibbs, my brother died on the Cole.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know that.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Then get me in on this!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're not here to use NCIS as your personal instrument of revenge. You get your head around this murder case, or you pull your tailored suit out of mothballs and you march your butt right back to the J. Edgar Hoover Building. Am I clear, Agent Blackadder?
[Vivian doesn't respond]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Am. I. Clear?
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Very, sir.

Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: I don't know who fathered Lieutenant Singer's baby, and I don't know who murdered her. So what else, Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd your investigation show?
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: Hey, you were there. The admiral ordered me to stay out of this.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, I'm referring to the investigation you gave Commander Manetti to do on Lieutenant Singer's love life, prior to her deployment.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [in the observation room with Vivian] Oops.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Yeah, "oops" is right. Without reading him his rights, we're gonna lose all this stuff in court.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, no, no. We got this stuff, Viv. Gibbs is setting Rabb up.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: Well, Colonel MacKenzie's investigation into Lieutenant Singer's pregnancy wasn't going well. Mac and I are old friends, I thought I'd help.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Reasonable answer.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: Yeah, the truth usually is.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So, you wouldn't mind giving us a DNA sample?
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: For what purpose?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Paternity test.
Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb, Jr.: I didn't even *like* Lieutenant Singer!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wouldn't say that during a murder investigation.


"NCIS: Identity Crisis (#5.4)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I hope your opinion of me doesn't waver after I give this fellow a piece of my mind.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I warn you this could get ugly!
[after Ducky speaks understandingly with the doctor]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastically] I hope she recovers from that tongue lashing.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Okay what am I missing?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The fact that Hinton's been murdered.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Marvin Hinton is *dead*?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I told her to notify you.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [puts on his glasses and check his email] You gotta be kidding me! She sent an email! It went in my spam folder! This is serious, Gibbs. Alive, Hinton was just an ex-con who made a deal with the devil. Dead means the devil came to collect!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's like taking spit out of the ocean.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then how'd he do it?
Special Agent Courtney Krieger: Claims someone contacted him, and offered the service.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Eraser.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What movie's that from?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] I don't know. "Flashdance"?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who *do* you work for Tobias, Homeland Security or F.B.I.?
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: The world's on my shoulders Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [seeing all the paper on his desk] World made of paper.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The biggest mistake you made.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You tried to shoot our agents!
[Gibbs and Fornell rise from their chairs, Fornell removes his jacket]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, let me hang your coat for you, Tobias
[hangs Fornell's jacket over the camera. Graves starts to stand up]
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: SIT DOWN!
[Fornell pushes him back into the chair]
Robert Graves: [panicked] What do you want?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The rest of your clients! The location of the REAL Kamual!... NOW!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're just trying to find a dog for McGee, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How about an Australian shepherd?
[Tony, Ziva, and McGee pause, thinking about the choice... ]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're working dogs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sit!
[Tony, Ziva, Tim all sit back at their desks]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stay!
[Gibbs walks off]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [under his breathe] Roll over
[Gibbs smiles, walks out of the room with Tony, Ziva and Tim still sitting at their desks]


"NCIS: Angel of Death (#4.24)" (2007)
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Visiting our ex wife?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Waiting for you.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: How'd you know I'd be here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Friday night, odd weekend.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [discussing their ex-wife] Diane look that pissed at you after the divorce?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She's looking at me Tobias.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You sound like a jealous husband.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How would you know?

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't touch that! It's scotch you drink bourbon
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So do you
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I had another visitor, before you arrived unannounced.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did he duck out the back?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Now you do sound like a jealous husband.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours Jenny?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: What we used to do, ever so well.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When you lie your right eye twitches. It always has.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: In polite society one usually calls before a visit. Bourbon?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've kicked in too many doors to be polite. Yes.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I appreciate the restraint you showed by using the bell. I've been rather fond of that door since I was a child.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You still dream about OJ-ing Diane?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Nah Emily kind of likes her. You?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only when I think about my grandfather's watch.


"NCIS: UnSEALeD (#1.18)" (2004)
Kevin Curtin: Don't want to talk about it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I understand that. Hardest thing for guys like us is talking.

[discussing a prisoner who escaped from Leavenworth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we know what this guy was in for?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Same thing I'm gonna be if you don't get your ass moving.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [low voice, to Gibbs] Right.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [whispering, to Kate] Murder.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: And you didn't even use a lifeline.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate get you the stuff from Curtin's cell?
Abby Sciuto: It's on its way. Kate rules.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I thought Abby ruled.
Abby Sciuto: Good women don't mind sharing a throne, Gibbs.

[Gibbs has been questioning Foley]
Commander Foley: Anything else?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not for the moment.
Commander Foley: That's very Jack Webb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause] Thanks!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uncuff him so he can say hello to an old friend.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: I prefer him in cuffs!
Diego Clare: Wish I'd have known when we were at JAG.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [while Agent Todd is talking to Tony about sleeping with a gun under her pillow] You sleep with a gun?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well... ah... yes.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [impressed] Good girl.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee! You never, never interrupt an interrogation. Understand?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [nervously] Uhh... uh yes, sir. I just... i thought-I thought... uhh
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: To have a 'thought,' McGee, you gotta be thinkin'. Were you thinking before you interrupted that interrogation?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uhh... I-I-I... I think so, sir?


"NCIS: Enemy on the Hill (#9.4)" (2011)
Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: [looking at DiNozzo standing face-first into a wall with his arms spread out] What is DiNozzo doing?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I *don't* know!

Navy Lieutenant Commander Geoffrey Brett: Well, you said the guy's been caught. So there's nothing to worry about.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whoever hired him to kill you wants you dead. He'll find someone else to do the job.
Ziva David: We would like to put you in protective custody until we know more.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He evaded the FBI for years by hiding in plain sight. In a weird way, you gotta admire the guy.
[Gibbs headslaps DiNozzo]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He's a mass murderer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Despicable. Nothing to admire.

Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: Better move fast. FBI's on the way. They're taking over. I hate those guys. Glory hounds.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'd rather deal with you.
Metro Detective Danny Sportelli: I don't blame you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's a lot of responsibility. What are you going to do with it?
Abby Sciuto: I want to meet him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay... You sure you want to open that door?
Abby Sciuto: ...Yeah.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay. You want me to go with you?
Abby Sciuto: [Long pause] I think... I think this is something I have to do on my own.

Abby Sciuto: Are you drinking tea?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, don't tell, Ducky. He'll give me a lecture on brewing.

Abby Sciuto: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who my parents were. I'm just like - Little Orphan Abby.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs, you're still the same person. Your parents are still your parents as you remember them. Family's more than just - DNA. It's about... people who care and take care of each other.
Abby Sciuto: I know. But why didn't they tell me I was adopted? I mean, there's gotta be a reason, I need to find out before I completely turn Luca and Kyle's lives upside down.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't have to do this alone, Abby. You've got a family and we'll help you through it.


"NCIS: Outlaws and In-Laws (#7.6)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I left him with the boat. He trailered it to the west coast. It was a gift for my goddaughter.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: And this is how he repays you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shoved him off and disappeared.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: That last part's the part that I *really* don't like. If he's gone underground, that means this isn't over yet. You got any idea where he might be?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Your guess is as good as mine, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: For some reason, I doubt that's true. But I'm going to give you some leeway on this, Gibbs. As it is your friend, your boat, *your* mess... My patience will evaporate quickly if another body shows up before Franks does.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There is a fine line between cowboy and outlaw.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And with the level of overkill here, you conclusion is -?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Mike Franks has crossed that line.

Mike Franks: You gonna stand there glaring at me, probie or you gonna give me a hand with the bags... or you gonna shoot me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I thought I'd ask you a few questions first, then I may shoot you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Those two men you killed, why were they after you?
Mike Franks: Damn, Probie. I was hoping you could tell me.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You know, Mike, I'm used to shells and bodies and cover ups as your big finale. Something starts off like this, I don't want to think about the count.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: My dad told me a story once. It dates back maybe thirty years after the Civil War. My great-great-grandmother and grandfather had fathers that fought on either side. These two old warriors, they probably shot at each other on the battlefield. They couldn't even look at each other at their own kids' wedding. But they did come to live with each other in the same house, and they spent every day for the rest of their lives on the front porch, in a couple of wicker rocking chairs, rocking back and forth.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I guess they worked out their differences, your relatives. They mellowed with time, right?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Way I heard it, those two never said a word.


"NCIS: Witch Hunt (#4.6)" (2006)
[the NCIS team storms into a room, which turns out to have a Halloween party in progress]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Federal agents!
Guy at Halloween Party: Hey guys! Great costumes, except you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Robert Miller: Hab SoslI Quch!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What'd he say?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Um, boss, he said your grandmother has a smooth forehead. It's a Klingon insult.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You speak Klingon?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not fluently, but yes.

[the M.E. van pulls up, its windshield splattered with eggs]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Sorry we're late, only we had a run-in with some local youths.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that, Doctor.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you get a good look at them?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, we did better than that. Release the captives, Mr. Palmer!
[Palmer opens the van, letting out two teenagers in ninja outfits]
Ninja #1: Where are we?
Ninja #2: Are we in trouble?
Ninja #1: We said we were sorry!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [handing them Windex and paper towels] Right... clean it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were *real* ninjas.

Ziva David: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a Karuma. I'm not familiar with the model.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring sedan.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGeek with the save!

[after the dead John Doe is identified]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I want to know everything about this guy, from birth until Ducky cracked his sternum.
[DiNozzo and McGee are still staring at Abby, so Gibbs head-slaps both of them]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, "on it, Boss!"
Special Agent Timothy McGee, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.

Ziva David: Our staff sergeant moved into the Quantico Bachelor Enlisted Quarters three weeks ago.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Martial problems?
Ziva David: Well, according to someone called "Scuttle Butt", he caught his wife cheating on him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Scuttlebutt's not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.
Ziva David: And then you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So, Laurie, why did your husband move out of your house and onto base?
Laurie Niles: What does that have to do with this?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe nothing. But I need to know.
Laurie Niles: We were having some problems. Erik wanted a trial separation.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why?
Laurie Niles: I made a mistake. A stupid mistake eight years ago.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of mistake?
[Laurie doesn't answer]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Laurie, look. I've been married four times. I've made every mistake in the book.


"NCIS: Stakeout (#5.12)" (2008)
Captain Dean Pullman: Sorry, Gibbs. Sec Nav wouldn't let me go. Wanted to know whose bright idea it was to use top secret radar as bait.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That would be Gibbs, 2 B's.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's DiNozzo?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... He's, uh, got to run an errand?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never cover for me.

NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: 4 people in my department have come down with the flu.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're in my department now.
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Yes, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd ya got?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Just a tickle at the back of my throat.

Abby Sciuto: [of McGee's demonstration] This is so great. Even Gibbs could understand this.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, he does.

[as Gibbs pushes a Lego man around is desk]
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Can I ask what that is?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: According to McGee, he's the guy who stole the radar.

Det. Andrea Sparr: So our cases have crossed. Means you can tell me why NCIS was staking out the neighborhood.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Classified Navy equipment was hijacked. Got an anonymous tip it was in a storage building next to the alley where Rowe was killed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just learned Rowe was the tipster.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Still conducting the stakeout?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. No, the equipment was stolen. Again.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Messy.
Officer Ziva David: [holding out her hand to Sparr] Ziva David.
[Sparr glances at Ziva, then turns back to Gibbs]
Det. Andrea Sparr: You dragged me up here to pull the national security, need-to-know card? That Rowe's murder is no longer a Metro case?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, we investigate the murder together. The theft stays classified.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Do I have a choice?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
[in her lab, Abby is stacking specimen jars with her music blaring]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ABBY!
[Abby starts, and knocks over all the jars]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs!
[Abby lowers her music volume]
Abby Sciuto: Hey, Gibbs. I was just, um... stacking specimen jars.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Haven't heard from you.
Abby Sciuto: I know, I miss you, too. It's so quiet around here. I had to go get my own Caf-POW. Did you know they raised their price twenty-five cents?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you come up with anything?
Abby Sciuto: I guess that depends on what you mean by "anything."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anything!


"NCIS: Black Water (#2.11)" (2005)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Do you suspect foul play?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a bastard.

Thomas McAllister: [as Gibbs sits down in Interrogation] I'm sure you hear this a lot. I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know.
Monroe Cooper: [from observation] What the hell kind of interrogation is that?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Correction. Your ears are broken.

Abby Sciuto: The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who?
Abby Sciuto: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stop.
Abby Sciuto: Right.

Monroe Cooper: Monroe Cooper.
[hands Gibbs a business card]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "The man who solves the unsolvable".
Monroe Cooper: So you've heard of me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. It's on your card.

Monroe Cooper: I have a policy, Agent Gibbs. You share information with me, and I share it with you. We have a deal?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, kinda goes against my policy, Cooper.
Monroe Cooper: Which is?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Throw people in jail who obstruct my investigations.

Monroe Cooper: Elaine McAllister, the mother. Into the occult in a big way. Psychics, seances, all that weird sh... stuff. She dies in '93, the family falls apart.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How?
Monroe Cooper: The old man. He took it pretty hard. He decided he was gonna contact the dead wife, starts neglecting the family business.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you mean by make contact?
Monroe Cooper: He consults this space cadet, Saleena lockhart. Claimed to be a psychic.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I've heard of her. She used to have that, um... tabloid astrology column.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Eh, I don't buy it.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Astrology?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you reading tabloids.
Monroe Cooper: She weasels her way into the old man's life. Next thing you know, she's practically running it. McAllister Avionics starts to slide until it's almost bankrupt by 2000.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How much money did he leave her?
Monroe Cooper: You're quick, Gibbs. Almost $10 million. He changed his will two weeks after the lieutenant went missing. The surviving brother, still fighting it in court.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's kind of like Anna Nicole.
Monroe Cooper: Who?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's what I said.


"NCIS: Missing (#1.20)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable.
Tony DiNozzo: I knew it, heh. I knew behind the whole Marine thing you really are... at heart...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as he walks by McGee who's sitting at DiNozzo's desk] Forget about it, McGee. He's still alive.

[last lines]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Forget about it, McGee. He's still alive.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, if you want a look like a gay pirate that's your call.

[after Tony makes slurping noises with his drink & Gibbs frustrated being in rush hour traffic and annoyed by Tony throws his drinking cup out the window]
Tony DiNozzo: That's littering
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fine me.

Tony DiNozzo: [while gibbs is driving down the back road] I think I'm going to puke.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Roll down a window!

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [seeing Tony asleep at his desk] DINOZZO!
DiNozzo: [sleepily] You'll have to speak louder, boss. I haven't been able to hear anything since that explosion yesterday.

Dr. Donald Mallard: I reviewed Corporal Cohen's autopsy results from 2002. His body tissue had high concentrations of insect venom. Honey bees, to be exact.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did it kill him?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Unfortunately, no. Our young friend starved to death. And judging by the fat and muscle tissue loss, it happened over a period of weeks, if not months.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's the first good news I've heard all day.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Huh?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It means there's a chance Tony and Atlas are still alive.
Dr. Donald Mallard: You'll find him, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That a question or a statement, Duck?


"NCIS: Sins of the Father (#9.10)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Didn't see this one coming.
Dr. Donald Mallard: How could you? This is going to be a sticky one.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Blunt force trauma?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why do you need me? I'll know more when I get him out of the trunk.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: Well, I uh, met with Masey at his office yesterday. And he informed me that he was going to screw me out of my fee because of some loophole.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: How'd you leave it with him?
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: I threatened to kill him.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dorneget, take Mr. DiNozzo to the break room, and get him something to eat.
Probationary Agent Ned Dorneget: Yes, sir.
[Dornget and DiNozzo Sr. start to leave]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If he gives you any trouble, shoot him.
Probationary Agent Ned Dorneget: ...He's joking... I think.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: I know you and I haven't been the best of friends for the past couple of years. But uh, why'd you stick your neck out for me? Let me stay here?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I didn't do it for you. I did it for your son. He deserves better.
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: You're right Gibbs. He does. I thought that when this deal went through, I'd be set. I could retire. No more hustling. I'd be able to be the person I always pretended to be. Leave some money for Junior. Real money.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't get it. Tony never wanted your money. He wants a father.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How'd it go with my father last night?... Where is he?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Autopsy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You shot him? Can't say I blame you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [about a woman DiNozzo Sr was with] You know her?
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: She's attractive... I have absolutely no idea who she is.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She works at Macey's company.
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: [to the FBI Agents] Take off the cuffs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You heard him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My old man did it again. Went to the hotel to see him. He's gone. He checked out. Did I get a phone call?
[Chuckling]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Noooo. Didn't even tell me. Shouldn't be surprised. What am I going to do with that guy? Makes me crazy!...
[Tony sighs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I should be really pissed off at him.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mmm-hmmm. So why aren't you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I really thought I was going to lose him for a second. As crazy as he makes me... I do love the guy... The pathetic thing is I've never been able to tell him.
Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.: [Entering] Consider it done, Junior.


"NCIS: Singled Out (#4.3)" (2006)
[McGee's complaining about Tony calling him "Probie."]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, how long have I been an agent?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, about 16 years.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Want to take a wild guess what my first partner still calls me?

[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [whispers in Abby's ear] Your computer's on fire.
Abby Sciuto: [wakes up and starts typing furiously] McGee, my baby's french-frying!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [wakes up and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds, they both turns around]
Abby Sciuto: That is so not funny, Gibbs!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't apologize, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right. Sign of weakness.
Officer Ziva David: Not to mention, annoying.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You should be proud of him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: When you left there were some rocky moments. He really held the team together.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's what I trained him to do.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I just think you should know he excelled at it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then give him his own team Jen.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You think he's ready?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wouldn't have quit if he wasn't.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: You should tell him that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh trust me, when DiNozzo thinks he's ready for his own team, you'll know about it. Hell, the whole world will know about it!

[McGee is messing around with a software program that predicts the features of a couple's child. He combines Tony and Ziva]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Guys, meet your love child.
[He produces a picture of a rather ugly baby. Ziva laughs, then shares a look with Tony]
Officer Ziva David, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [together] Do Gibbs and the Director!
[Then we see the combination of the two, which to their surprise is a good one]
Officer Ziva David: Now that's not a bad combination.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Never more than once, DiNozzo.
[Abby enters and sees the picture]
Abby Sciuto: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibbets, Gibbs.

Justin Ferris: Look, I'm not a kidnapper!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No... you're just a dirtbag who ran away and left a woman to die.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Via radio from MTAC to Ziva at the speed dating event] And do turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek, not mentally deranged.


"NCIS: Rule Fifty-One (#7.24)" (2010)
Paloma Reynosa: I see you choose your words carefully, Agent Gibbs. That is good, Your life depends on them.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't usually drink scotch.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Rivera has a gun pointed at Gibbs] You've never done this before. I have. I've killed men, and women in combat, in the line, and in life. And some of them still haunt me. But I never lost a night's sleep over your father. You want to know what it's like to be the hand of justice?
[Rising up]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then pull the damn trigger yourself. Go on! DO IT!

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And I'm Rick?
Leon Vance: Oh, in so many ways. The problem's me. I'm sick of being Louie. I'm sick of having to look the other way when I know you're sneaking around behing my back. That doesn't work for me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I shouldn't work for you.

Leon Vance: Put a lot of trust that I'd follow your lead, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Everyday, Leon.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I've seen enemies with vendettas, Leon. Seen people lose their lives to them. People that matter.
Leon Vance: Worst enemies are the ones that hide in plain sight. One's we can't arrest.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You didn't get a copy of Abby's report?
Leon Vance: I never saw it. Decades old cold case in Mexico, that's not my business, is it?

Mike Franks: Look at you. All self-loathing and misery. You make me sick. Come here to mope?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nope. Came here for a job.
Mike Franks: My God!... You really want to be a cop? You gotta let a lot of old stuff go, learn a lot of new stuff to take its place. You think you can do that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I think I'd be a good cop.


"NCIS: Shalom (#4.1)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking on the phone with Ziva] We've been trying to contact Gibbs, but we haven't been able to reach him.
Officer Ziva David: Ah! Why didn't you say so?
[hands the phone to Gibbs]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! You have 10 seconds to explain why I'm not in Mexico building my teak watertub. 9... 8... 7...

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, look I'm retired. I'm 3,000 miles away. What do you think can I do that they can't do?
Officer Ziva David: Honestly, I don't know. I was, uh, hoping maybe... save me.
[starts crying]

Officer Ziva David: [Speaking of DiNozzo] He's been insufferable since you left.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking at DiNozzo] That true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] When I have to be!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I did leave the right person in charge.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] It's good to see you again, McGee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What did I say?
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] You called him "McGee."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Ziva] Hmmmm... That's probably because if I had left him in charge you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But you do remember...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That I left you in charge? Yeah, I remember that I left you in charge DiNozzo. What I forgot, is your taste in coffee. It stinks.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I still look like your boss?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, maybe if you shaved. Haircut wouldn't hurt either.
[Gibbs laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, the smile thing's definitely throwing me off too!

[after Gibbs slaps Tony's head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I could arrest you for striking a federal officer.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right. Just so you know.


"NCIS: Terminal Leave (#2.6)" (2004)
Abby Sciuto: She sent me highly encrypted j-pegs. Public key's got 64 numbers. It took me longer to input the password than it took the program to decrypt the cyphertext.
[Gibbs looks a question]
Abby Sciuto: Umm... machine making pretty pictures now?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Aah.

[Reyes refuses to let Gibbs investigate a terrorist suspect. She walks out]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Be sure to catch the six o'clock news tonight, Agent Reyes.
FBI Agent Lina Reyes: [stops and comes back] What did you do?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Me? Nothing yet. But isn't "our FBI using an American family as terrorist bait" news?
FBI Agent Lina Reyes: You'd blow our entire operation?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure. But I'll also get Moore in my chat room.
FBI Agent Lina Reyes: Look, even an agent as arrogant as you are has to know that what you're threatening is a career-ender.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only if he doesn't talk. Otherwise it's a career-maker.
[into phone]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Suzanne McRoberts, please. Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS.
[to Reyes]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've seen Suzanne on TV, right? She's cute, blond, does the anchor on the news...
[Reyes presses down the button on Gibbs's phone]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That had better mean we have a deal, or you're gonna lose a finger.
FBI Agent Lina Reyes: [leans in] You don't crack Moore, the appendage that I'll cut off will mean *so* much more to you than a finger.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Kate and Tony have just caught - and almost shot - Jen's boyfriend sneaking into her room] Where's Romeo now?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: On his way home to change his pants. And Juliet is getting her butt reamed by the Capulets.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs is threatening to expose the FBI's operation to the press; Agent Reyes hangs up his phone in mid-call] That better mean we have a deal, or you're about to lose a finger.
FBI Agent Lina Reyes: If you can't crack Moore, the appendage that I will cut off will mean so much more to you than a finger.

Caitlin "Kate" Todd: [Kate and Tony have just caught - and almost shot - Jen's boyfriend sneaking into her room] Gibbs? Kate. False alarm.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: One of the kids?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Daughter's boyfriend. Probably not the first time he's snuck in, but definitely the last. Mom packs a Glock.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where's Romeo now?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: On his way home to change his pants. And Juliet is getting her butt reamed by the Capulets.

Tony DiNozzo: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ...after you hang yourself. By the way, do you prefer 'Roland' or 'Muhammed'?
Roland Alan Moore: I'm not going to hang myself.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, yeah, I know that. That's just what my report's going to say. Well anyway, after you hang yourself your body will be autopsied here by Dr. Mallard.
[Gestures to body on table]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Duck! Where are you going to start the cut on Roland?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, he's going to hang himself?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh-huh.


"NCIS: Safe Harbor (#9.5)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay, let me guess, Sec Nav doesn't want any more surprises. He's had his fair share.
Leon Vance: I think he's looking for a reason to get more involved in this, and I don't want to give him one. Find the killer - nothing more.

Farid Bawali: We came here to escape violence, Agent Gibbs. I was protesting an oppressive regime. They threatened to kill my family. I realize Muslim refugees do not get a great deal of symmpathy in your country.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's not true. We take everybody. We just have rules about how they get here.

CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: You know, I spent 3 years on a cutter off Miami. The ones who make it to shore are usually the ones you don't want as neighbors.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why's that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Because they're willing to do anything to survive.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not your family. So don't lie to me. You're not protesting your government. You're protesting mine - with bombs. Someone finally closing in on you?... Forcing you to run here?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, we found a perfect woman for you, and we would like you to ask her out.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who? Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did you see that on the screen?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. I dated her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So what was wrong with her, boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. She's perfect.
CGIS Special Agent Abigail Borin: Perfect? What happened?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There's nothing more boring than perfect.
[Gibbs laughs]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.
Ziva David: People always think the wrong reasons are right - espeically parents.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, they got perspective.
Ziva David: Parents still make mistakes.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Ziva David: My... mother... never told me what kind of a... man... my father was. Perhaps she did not think I was not... strong enough to handle it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nah. She was just being a mom.
Ziva David: How do you know?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Perspective.
Ziva David: Are you lonely, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Never alone when you have kids.
[Gibbs kisses Ziva's forehead]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Night, kid.


"NCIS: Hiatus: Part 2 (#3.24)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I was angry at Mike. I never understood how he could quit... until now.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [getting frustrated] What can I do?
Officer Ziva David: [grabbing the sides of his face with her hands] Remember.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Officer Ziva David: Well try harder!
Officer Ziva David: [Gibbs glares at her] Good. That's a start.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What is?
Officer Ziva David: The old Gibbs stare! You gave it all of us! McGee, Tony, me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [yells] What are you talking about?
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva grabs Gibbs's hand, and uses it to slap the back of her head. Gibbs has a flashback of head-slapping her] Ari... Ari killed Kate.
[Gibbs has another flashback, remembering Kate's shooting]
Officer Ziva David: [starts to cry] And I... I killed Ari.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [remembers Ari's shooting] Your brother?
Officer Ziva David: [between sobs] Yes.
Officer Ziva David: You killed your brother... to save me.
[Ziva openly cries, Gibbs hugs her]

[Gibbs has amnesia. Franks has brought him a steak in the hospital courtyard]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [not remembering] Nine-eleven?
NIS Agent Mike Franks: September 11, 2001.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, Boss, it's '96, and you just retired.
[takes a bite of his steak]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Damn, this is good. I owe you. Had to be a hijacking, huh? They never change security until it's too late.
[Franks pauses, and lights a cigarette]
NIS Agent Mike Franks: Al-Qaeda hijacked 4 airliners. Two hit the World Trade Center, one the Pentagon. Fourth was to take out the White House. Some gutsy passengers fought 'em, they went down in Pennsylvania. Twin Towers are gone. Pentagon's fixed. Three thousand-some dead, nearly as many wounded.
[Gibbs gets up, runs to the trash can, and vomits]
Nurse Maria Baliad: Sir, are you all right?
NIS Agent Mike Franks: He's okay. Got some bad news.

[Deputy Director Welsh is refusing to call off a boarding even after Gibbs informs him that there is a bomb waiting to blow a ship up]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is *everyone* up there as *stupid* as you!

NIS Agent Mike Franks: Hello, probie.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, boss.

NIS Agent Mike Franks: Damn! You got old, Marine!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Have you looked in the mirror lately?


"NCIS: Dead Air (#8.5)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's true. Center Fielder, right on the list. Right before Imagineer. Makes a hard day when you realize those dreams may not come true.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Gotta keep the dream alive, Tim.

Abby Sciuto: I don't think we're looking for hill billy militia, Gibbs. Our mystery voice wasn't calling from the backwoods. He was calling from Royal Woods. One of the wealthiest gated communities in suburban DC.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There goes the neighborhood.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I found a series of messages in Haskell's email history discussing an anniversary gift for his wife.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, his wife has been dead for year.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Makes a custom watch an odd choice. Obviously a code.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Investment 101. Always use somebody else's money

Arthur Haskell: I said I want my lawyer. I'm not saying anything.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You don't have to talk to me. But I think your daughter deserves some answers.
[Gibbs knocks on the one-way mirror. Kristin appears in Observation]
Arthur Haskell: Kristin? Let me talk to her. She's been through Hell.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, this time it's your fault.

Abby Sciuto: Welcome to the world of binaural audio. In the radio interview, the radio host and the Navy commander were using separate microphones positioned in opposite directions. So when you listen with one channel in one ear, and the other channel in the other ear, your brain recreates a three dimensional space.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, it's like listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".
Abby Sciuto: [impressed] Yes. Wow. Only it's gunshots instead of a drum solo. Wow.


"NCIS: Iced (#3.19)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ice, that means...
Officer Ziva David: You're going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a really good one, too.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [Gibbs is trying to read something in dim light] Where are your glasses?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Forgot them.
[Shepard then hands him her glasses]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I could leave.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [opens the bag he brought] Salvadorian food, how *fried*.
[Gibbs gets up to leave]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I'm sorry, stay.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNiozzo! Where the hell have you been?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I come bearing gifts. Spent the night at Rock Creek Park, and I found these when they drained the pond.
[produces a trio of guns]
Officer Ziva David: Whoa! That's a big one.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You expecting an "attaboy"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought it would be nice.
[Tony flinches in anticipation of getting slapped on the head]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [stroking the back of Tony's head] Attaboy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was just doing my job, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know that!

[McGee shows Tony the stubble he's growing]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why are you touching his face?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. It feels good, though. It's like a bunny rabbit.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [slapping Tony's head] Don't.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sorry.

Marine Lance Corporal Jose Silva: How much trouble am I in, sir?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
Marine Lance Corporal Jose Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.


"NCIS: Short Fuse (#8.3)" (2010)
Public Affairs Office Ron Sands: Special Agent Gibbs. Ron Sands, Public Affairs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I know who you are, Sandy.
Public Affairs Office Ron Sands: Special Agent DiNozzo can't leave, sir.
[Gibbs stops stares at Sands]
Public Affairs Office Ron Sands: We're not finished with him yet.
[Photographer takes a few pics]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll drive, boss!

Tobias Fornell: The guy's high up in the Bureau. Way above our paygrade, Jethro. Only did one field tour. Worked his way up the bureaucracy to the highest levels of the FBI. He's a straight arrow as they come.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Give me his name, will you?
Tobias Fornell: Gary Tolin. Executive Assistant Director of the Criminal Investigation Division.

Ziva David: [Fornell tosses Ziva a USB drive] What's this?
Tobias Fornell: Downloaded the cases Gary Tolin supervised over the past 5 years. Hopefully, we can find out who wants him dead.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Of course you got permission to copy those files.
Tobias Fornell: ...There's an index at the front.

Ziva David: [to Fornell] This could take forever. Tolin is one of yours. Why isn't the FBI doing this?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey, until we know more. We're running things from here.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [to Abbott] You put a contract on Sgt Dempsey?...
[to Dempsey]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What's the blast radius?
Sgt. Dempsey: About 15 to 20 feet.
[Gibbs moves away from Abbott]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: See, I understand if you're reluctant to answer. You probably want to talk to your lawyer first.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, we could uh, get you one by tomorrow morning. But if you want a good one, that'll take a couple days.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What is that?
Tobias Fornell: It's rice.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.
Tobias Fornell: It's lamb curry from the Punjab Express.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We both agreed we hate that place.
Tobias Fornell: We did. But I got a twofer coupon in the mail.


"NCIS: Restless (#9.2)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva David: Physically or mentally?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about 2 pairs of Mud Wrestling tickets] What is this a gag gift? You guys - plan this together?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] DiNozzo, I got a gift fo you.
[Gibbs gives DiNozzo a folder]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Dead body?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Grab our gear?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, boss. A gift I can use. Only thing I need to do right now is keep working. See? This is what I need - work. Keep busy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Good.
[McGee and Ziva go to Tony's desk and hold out their hands expectantly]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think we can still get refunds.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never said I didn't want them.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Looking at Abby's Homecoming photo] Which one was the lucky guy?
Abby Sciuto: Um. All of them. They all asked me to the dance. And I couldn't bear to say no. So I kind of convinced all them into taking me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mmm. How'd that work out?
Abby Sciuto: Well, let's just say it might be - what got me interested in my first crime scene.

Abby Sciuto: [to her lab equiment] Look, I understand your pain. I mean no one wants their secrets revealed. But you have something I needed. You had something that Leroy Jethro Gibbs needed. And that is a man you do not want to disappoint.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Never have before Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I have, but I prefer not to go there.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Works for me.

Hank Galvaston: [about Curtis] He - he keeps saying how he's not going back to jail.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Never a good sign.
Hank Galvaston: You-you promised you were going to bring Curtis in safe. Prove he's innocent.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, I can bring him in. Second part's not up to me.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, let him go.
[McGee releases Galvaston]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You want to make a run for it? Go. Go. Go on. Get out of here. Do it.
Hank Galvaston: You've got a gun. What do I got?
[Gibbs hands him a fryer]
Hank Galvaston: What am I supposed to do with this?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh, sorry. That's right. You only use that on little girls.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: So, Duck - she crazy or not?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Crazy is not a technical diagnosis.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not a technical guy, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, the short answer is no.


"NCIS: Dagger (#6.9)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I needed everyone to *think* it was real.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Even me... Lee the hero or villain?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Both.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Thought I would care more if she were your daughter?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: You wouldn't do what I did to save your daughter's life? This time tell the truth!
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should have come to me as soon as this happened! Before you *murdered* two men!

NCIS Director Leon Vance: You got eyes on her, right? What about this morning?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Her rope got shorter.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Lucky she's not hanging now.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, this is a crime scene.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I know. Document everything. Get the hell out there! Whoever's behind this could come back.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: It's risky.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh you haven't hear the risky part yet, Leon. Going to need the real Domino.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: That's not gonna happen.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He finds out it's a fake, the girl dies.
[hands folder to Vance]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Paperwork authorizing the use of the real Domino. Needs your signature.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [puts down paperwork] We're not risking our government's military playbook! You are authorized to use a decoy. That's it!... Good luck.

[closing scene]
Amanda Lee: Where's Mi-Shi?
[Gibbs takes Amanda to the window]
Amanda Lee: What happened to your hand?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-shi would want you to have that.


"NCIS: Two-Faced (#8.20)" (2011)
Dr. Donald Mallard: Native Americans designed their pole so that the lower you were on it, the higher they held you in esteem. Calling someone "low man on the totem pole" is in fact a compliment.
Jimmy Palmer: So all these years, Gibbs has been complimenting me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Oh, I wouldn't go that far, Palmer.

Abby Sciuto: No - it's just - change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's - it's Agent Barret. I'm - not a fan. I mean - of change. Her
[Abby stutters]
Abby Sciuto: I don't mind. She's - feisty for someone so small. Um and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Not like I like you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs.
Abby Sciuto: I just - I like
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Our family the way it is.
[Gibbs hugs Abby]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering Interrogation] Starting without me, Special Agent Barret?
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: Oh, just getting settled in.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs puts the file down. Then whispers to Barret] You're in my chair.

NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: Are you questioning whether I know what I'm doing, Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No ma'am. I'm questioning the way you do it.

NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: It's not against NCIS policy to date co-workers.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's against *my* policy. This team operates on respect.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: You don't respect me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I don't trust you.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: Really?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Really. Except to work the case, leave my team alone. We clear?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's my room.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: Vance put me in charge.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Vance isn't here.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: I'm trying to establish that he was in all four cities at the same time of the murders.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Focus on Balfour. That's our body. That's our evidence. That's our case.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: This is a multiple murder case!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Start by pinning one murder on him, and then connect the others. That's how it's done.
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: Maybe that's the old school way.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's *my* way.


"NCIS: Leap of Faith (#5.5)" (2007)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [watching the Agents argue over suspects] What about Rule 15: "Always work together"?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not *this* time.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [watching McGee in interrogation] Well, McGee's got your mad act down.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Almost.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: No one could've saved him, Jethro. He was dead the moment he stepped out on that ledge.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That what I tell his sister?

[after getting slapped by Abby, Tony is slapped again by Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What was that for?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Spreading rumors.

[Abby walks up to Gibbs' desk and sits down in the dimly lit squad room. Picking up his glasses, Abby puts them on and instantly becomes Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: I heard that, DiNozzo! Another wiseass comment like that and I will slap you so hard your grandchildren will feel it! You think that's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face! That goes for you too, David!
[picking up the phone]
Abby Sciuto: Special Agent Gibbs!
[realizing something, she slowly takes off the glasses]
Abby Sciuto: You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yep.
[comes down]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feelin' real secure about your job, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: Um, not so much anymore.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [Gibbs enters Autopsy] I'm fast, but I'm not that fast. Something still bothering you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. We're investigating a homicide *and* a suicide.


"NCIS: False Witness (#8.10)" (2010)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Last time you did an expense report for me, you reclassified my meals as livestock feed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, that was a little childish.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I got audited.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I guess that makes us even.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Great. Then I don't need to hear about it. Whatever it is.

Dr. Donald Mallard: If I am to maintain my proficiency when I'm doing psychological autopsies, I have to keep up with the latest cultural development.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: As long as you keep current on this case, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Fear not. I may be new to social networking. But the Mallards invented multi-tasking.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The old knife to the neck. Reminds me of...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Reminds you of what? Reminds you of an old fraternity prank>? A Halloween movie?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know what you're doing.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: And I know what you're doing!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What am I doing?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't know. But it's bugging me to such a deg-
[Gibbs slaps the back of McGee's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I know what we're not doing.

P.O. Jerry Neisler: [about the killer] I saw him at the hearing. Seems like a sad sorry guy. Kind of reminds me of you. Both live alone. No family.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey!
P.O. Jerry Neisler: The same.
[Looking at a family picture]
P.O. Jerry Neisler: Look at her, you could tell she's got good taste. Never let you get away with a lumpy couch if she was still here. But seems like you're trying to make some changes. Some kind of home make over, cleaning up these magazines.

Samuel Hayes: [to Matt Grey] Look, it's just a matter of time before the new DA refiles the charges, and I'll be back in court again. And you know what? I'll just save everyone the trouble and I'll plead guilty... Hell, I'll even sign the confession right now! And maybe we can just... pretend this never happened.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We may have to settle for pretending *some* of it never happened.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I can talk to the DA.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [holding up turkey feather] Where'd this come from?
Abby Sciuto: I ran the turkey's DNA through the nwat-fah-dih-nahd. It's the National Wild Turkey Federation DNA Database. They really need a new acronym.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Turkey DNA database?


"NCIS: In the Zone (#5.15)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A marine was murdered on your watch.
Marine Major Ike Varnai: And I've lost two more since then. Blown away by roadside bombs. That's part of our reality out here, sir. Doesn't mean I like it.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Thank you for your time, Major.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Marine gets murdered serving his country. He deserves a throuogh investigation.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: And he'll get one. But the Sec Nav want *us* to handle the case. Who do you think I should send?

Dina Rankin: My husband used to get these uh... gut feelings You ever had one?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [slight pause] Yeah, once or twice.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you nervous?
George Stenner: No. Yeah, I mean a little. Can I go to the bathroom really quick?
[rises up]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
George Stenner: Okay.
[sits back down. after the interview]
George Stenner: Can I just please go to the bathroom really quick?
[rises up]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No!
George Stenner: [sits back down] Okay.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nah. I'm kidding. You can go.
George Stenner: [rising up] Thanks!

Kelvin Ridgeway: Like I would assume you would complain to your wife about *this* one.
[tosses his stress ball to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Her?
[chuckles]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh no, I wouldn't mess with her.
[rises up and leaves]
Kelvin Ridgeway: [Ridgeway chuckles] Yeah? Why would he say that?
[Ziva throws the damaged stressball back to him]

George Stenner: [as he is being arrested] You don't understand. Rankin was going to investigate me. I would have lost my business, ruined my life!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You just did that yourself.


"NCIS: Corporal Punishment (#5.10)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All you care about is selling the war.
Ray Vincent: You don't support the war?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I support the men fighting it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [makes a lot of grunting noises] Ok, do it!
[winces in preparation]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] Escaped mental patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Officer Ziva David: It has been three hours, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.
Officer Ziva David: He is not on foot. He's in a car.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Tommy Lee Jones speech *every* time we have a fugitive, really?

Ray Vincent: This could be a potential PR disaster.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastically] That's always my primary concern.

Karen Sutherland: You could have just asked nicely.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This *is* nicely.

Officer Ziva David: I want to see him.
Navy Capt. Dr. Adrian De La Casa: [shakes his head] He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She asked to see the patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.


"NCIS: Nature of the Beast (#9.1)" (2011)
NCIS Special Agent E.J. Barrett: You don't trust anybody, do you, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I do. I just make 'em earn it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got pizza, Boss?... Something wrong?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs holds up a bloodied badge] It's not yours.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: You shot another NCIS agent?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I, uh, I need your help... I don't know. I can't remember any of it.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sorry, Boss. I... was following orders.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not following *my* orders.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: That's not fair, Gibbs!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's the truth.

Leon Vance: I hope you're not questioning Sec Nav's authority. Jarvis can do what he wants. It's his Navy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's his Navy. It's *my* team!

Secretary of the Navy Clayton Jarvis: Director Vance told me to expect some pushback from you, but you're being borderline disrespectful.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Is that a compliment?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Doc, can you give us a minute?
Dr. Rachel Cranston: [Rising] All right. I'll go get my sixth cup of coffee for the evening.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Lightweight.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: [Quietly to Gibbs as she passes him] Ruin all my hard work and I'll kill you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Copy that.


"NCIS: Requiem (#5.7)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, just who are you trying to save?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I look at her, I see Kelly, Duck. How it should have been.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, be careful. Don't let your - Somethings *can't* be undone.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wasn't there then, I am *now*.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Someone grabbed him vise like and SQEEEZED.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh, yeah. That would've been me, Duck.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [pause. Ducky and McGee exchange looks] I'll go see how the others are doing.

Maddie Tylor: I never stopped crying. Still think about her after all these years. Wonder what she'd be like.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like you.
[Maddie smiles. Pause. tries to give Gibbs a picture of her and Kelly]
Maddie Tylor: Here you should have - you should have this.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. No. That's your memory.
Maddie Tylor: OUR memory!

Mailman: Got a registered letter for Rudi Haas.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll sign for that.
Mailman: Uh-uh. I need to see some ID.
[Gibbs pulls back his coat showing his gun]
Mailman: I don't want to know.
[hands the package to Gibbs]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Why do we need to know? Are we opening an investigation in to Sgt Haas?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Background check.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: On what grounds?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Stalking.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: The young woman from this afternoon. Did she file a complaint?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Is this personal, Jethro?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you're asking do I know her, the answer is yes. Is it personal
[look directly at Shepard]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [Gibbs leaves. slight pause. To the team] Do it!

Maddie Tylor: [showing Gibbs an old photo of her and Kelly] Can't remember who took that photo.
[Flashback to Kelly and Maddie giggling about something]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiling] I did. I never did find out what was so funny.
Maddie Tylor: She never told you? Sorry.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I shipped out to Iraq that month. They followed me all the way to Pendleton. Last time I saw them.
Maddie Tylor: It was a time capsule. We, uh, filled this toy suitcase with all of our... treasures. Kelly's mostly, and... buried it in your backyard. We were sitting on it.
[Gibbs laughs]


"NCIS: A Weak Link (#1.22)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, was there something in my tone of voice that made that sound like a suggestion?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [DiNozzo sees a car he loves in the victim's garage] You're not gonna start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you?
Anthony DiNozzo: Thunderball. She's got a...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're *not* going to give me the vital stats on this car.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [DiNozzo suggests she rappelle to get a sense of what the victim did in his last few moments of life] No. No way!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [helping Kate in her gear] You'll do fine. Alright, push this down, and clamp it onto your harness, like that. There we go.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Okay. Remind me, this is going to help us solve the case again because...
Anthony DiNozzo: It's fun.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want to *understand* what happened. This is how we understand.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to a suspect] Your track record for the truth is unimpressive.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why would somebody with a top security clearance have an e-mail account under an assumed name?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Get a search warrant for the servers.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hack into the servers.
[Gibbs smirks]
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.
[Kate heads back to her desk]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're welcome.

Petty Officer Vengal: Why are you asking me about the lieutenant?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because we're looking for the man who murdered him.


"NCIS: A Man Walks Into a Bar... (#8.14)" (2011)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: All of you, make some time for the Doctor. Director Vance's orders.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are we supposed to talk about?
Dr. Rachel Cranston: Well, believe it or not, most people talk about their sex lives.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That rules Tim out.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: I know you historically have issues with uh, professional women.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I like women. I just don't like it when they ask a lot of questions.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Still one agent I haven't spoken to yet.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, that's not gonna happen.
Dr. Rachel Cranston: I forgot, you're perfect.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I'm not. I'm just too set in my ways to change now.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: You've been better at letting go than I have.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't forget. You just move on.

Min Ho Kwon: How can I prove my innocence?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An alibi would be nice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Commander Reynolds was killed last night at approximately 2am.
Min Ho Kwon: I was in my stateroom.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Doing what?
Min Ho Kwon: My actions are not your concern.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: On a U.S. Naval vessel, they sure as hell are! You're about to be accused of murdering an American officer. Do you understand what's at stake here?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [with Dr. Cranston in his basement] Stand right here. Right there. Look down. You feel that? Right there?
Dr. Rachel Cranston: What?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure.
[flashback of Ziva killing Ari]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Now the rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.


"NCIS: Spider and the Fly (#8.1)" (2010)
Jackson Gibbs: Son... I want to go home. It's time
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: When it's safe.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Is there something wrong with the front door?
Mike Franks: Wouldn't have been much of a surprise then.
Jackson Gibbs: How'd you get past the agents?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dad, meet Mike Franks.
Mike Franks: Mind if I make myself at home?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What took you so long, cowboy?

Mike Franks: Sweet Paloma's got a hornet up her skirt. And her sights are set on revenge. Think I'd miss it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dangerous.
Mike Franks: You do what you have to for family.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What rule is that?
Mike Franks: The unspoken one.

Alejandro Rivera: [to Abby] It's late and you should go home. Yeah. Be careful the roads can be dangerous at night.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What did you just say?
Alejandro Rivera: Nothing inappropriate, I hope.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You want to threaten someone? Threaten me... Not the people I work with.

Jackson Gibbs: Appreciate you staying to help.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Sure... Thought maybe we could fix a few things.
Jackson Gibbs: You sure you can spare the time?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You do what you have to for family.
Jackson Gibbs: Ain't that the truth.

Leon Vance: I don't want Franks making things any worse than they already are.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, it can't get any worse.
[Gibbs leaves]
Leon Vance: I hope your right.


"NCIS: The Good Samaritan (#1.14)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't say it, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I wasn't going to say anything.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't think it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Too late.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is this one of those questions where it's not going to matter if I say no?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cellulosic fiber, lignin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wood.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean... I... don't... think it's weird.

Abby Sciuto: Ooh! Gibbs! Didn't your Momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.

Gibbs: Got your 911, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: Ready to have your world rocked again?
Gibbs: I'm barely over the first time.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you run it through...
Abby Sciuto: Run it through AFIS?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby Sciuto: It's a killer combination.


"NCIS: The Curse (#1.5)" (2003)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: RIO?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B, short for Guy In Back.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why do you need two Bs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, what time did the schmuck's report say the dispersing office was robbed?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What schmuck?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, our schmuck, unfortunately.

Abby Sciuto: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby Sciuto: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking of Martinez] Since it was his hottie working here, you should have looked into him.
Richard Owens: You're right, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do not "sir" me, I work for a living.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You want to give me the names of the Tomcat crew
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Safe to assume one was Lt. Schilz.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why ride in a pod when you have a seat in the cockpit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Pilot was Lt Commander Farnsworth
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Good news Commander it took 10 years but we located your luggage.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know what this is, boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh... external fuel tank?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, 370 gallon external fuel tank off an F-14 Tomcat. A few were converted into camera or cargo pods. This one's a cargo pod.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'm impressed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday, Kate. As a matter of fact, tomorrow is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It'll have been two years.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's kind of touching, Gibbs. Remembering the day you hired me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well, seemed like a good idea at the time.


"NCIS: Endgame (#7.7)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Doc worked on somebody.
Ziva David: So why here, and not in a hospital.
Leon Vance: [Vance enters] Because the patient didn't want to be seen. That's why.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Director.
Leon Vance: I saw the PD report. Details I've come across before. I wanted to see for myself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Copycat?
Leon Vance: That would be a relief.

Leon Vance: You chase somebody for almost 20 years, you start to think like them. In someways, I know Kai better than I know myself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Coincidence, huh?
Leon Vance: Maybe. You think finding this body in my jurisdiction is coincidence?

Leon Vance: [to Gibbs] I can protect my own. I'll get Jackie and the kids on the first plane out of here.
Jackie Vance: No you won't! Cause I'm not going anywhere without you. You know, Leon, when you took this job, I knew there were risks involved. I knew I'd be watching over my shoulder everyday, but I always felt safe... until now. And yeah, this woman may have killed your partner, but you are *my* partner now. And I'm not going anywhere.
Leon Vance: [to Gibbs] Round the clock, at least two agents. Vehicle escorts too.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Done!

Abby Sciuto: Poison. Both Kai's .22 rounds and the rifle slugs were dipped in a lethal toxin called Atropa Belladona.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Never trust a beautiful woman.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What about Vance?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, all of her life, she was pursued by one man. Not physically or sexually, of course, but mentally. He chased her, courted her you might say. Remember she's probably never had a relationship. She doesn't know what it's like to love or be loved. My fear now, is that she'll probably turn to him for help. I mean, in her mind, he's been her partner in all this. The one man she can count on.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, partial plate Vance gave us belongs to a stolen car.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not surprised.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Taken from a lot at Bingham Air Field outside Fairfax.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Think I just read something in the paper about Bingham. Jason Cutler out of Van Nuys, California, flew his private plane across the country three days ago. After arriving safely in Fairfax, family and friends reported him missing.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tell Abby; dust the plane for prints. It looks like we found Kai's flight.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So where's the pilot?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dead, most likely.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He was Kai-jacked.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you really just say that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I regret it already.


"NCIS: Broken Bird (#6.13)" (2009)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, well the next phrase she yells means "You killed my brother."... Any idea why she would have said that?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Perhaps because I killed her brother.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mr. Kort, Agency's keeping you local?
Trent Kort: Travel is touchy at the moment. I've made a few enemies overseas.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What? With your winning personality?
Trent Kort: When you finally open that charm school, let me know.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I need a favor.
Trent Kort: Gibbs, I don't like you.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's okay, I don't like you either. Not trading on kindness.
Trent Kort: But we *are* trading.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you going to make me ask again?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What the *hell's* wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only what was required of me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you *protecting* this guy?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I am protecting no one, Jethro. Look, if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.

Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Lack of respect shown by you and your people, you will create an international incident.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're the diplomat, not me.
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Obviously. Dr. Mallard?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ambassador?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: Have you brought legal counsel?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't need counsel. I've come here to surrender.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're forgiven.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: For the crime, Jethro. For the act, there is no forgiveness.


"NCIS: Double Identity (#7.17)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stay here. If he regains consciousness, call me. And see if you can get any more out of her.
[Refering to Leah Mayne]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You subscribing to the DiNozzo theory? Always suspect the wife.

Abby Sciuto: Hey, what's going on with Ducky? He's acting very un-Ducky-like. Like - like, everyday he leaves for lunch. He's never done that before. I mean the Duckman is a creature of habit. He brings in his lunch, he eats it at his desk. Where is he going?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm sure he's fine.
[Looking back into her lab]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Uh, Abby, don't let that dog out of your sight.
Abby Sciuto: [Rushing back to her lab] Mortimer. That's not your bone!

Rachel Wells: My husband... he went jogging yesterday morning, never returned home. When I reported him missing, and showed his picture to the Police, they directed me to you.
[Hands Gibbs a picture]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're married to John Mayne?
Rachel Wells: No, his name's Christian Wells.
Leah Mayne: No! His name's John. And he's *my* husband.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Duck, everything okay?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yeah. Never better. Why do you ask?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Half my team's worried about you.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Let me guess which half: Abby and Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The man you married was leading a fradulent life. Lt Mayne's parents are still alive. There was no inheirtance.
Rachel Wells: How am I supposed to live? Do I - do I have to get my lawyer involved?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. You know what? You do whatever it is you need to do! Okay?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: When were you gonna tell me, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Soon. I thought about having a service, but all of mother's friends pre-deceased her. I was all she had.


"NCIS: Pyramid (#8.24)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I ran that cell phone number that Cobb keyed into this sedan. Id's blocked. It's a secure government line.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well unsecure it, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Whoever it belongs to has a significant clearance level.
Ziva David: That's Ray's cellphone number

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: 'Cause he's not longer about method or clue-trail gamesmenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.
Jimmy Palmer: Situation?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.

Leon Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
Secretary of the Navy Phillip Davenport: Like Hell it is, Leon. This better be damn important!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent's dead. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it can get.

Mike Franks: [Gibbs reads a letter from Franks] Too many years of lighting up finally caught up with me, probie. For 3 decades, I outran every bullet aimed at me. Can't out run this - not with these lungs. Only got a few months left to go. And I plan to live 'em.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never one to disappoint. Were you, Mike?

Trent Kort: You think I sent her in there on purpose? To gain what exactly?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If she gets hurt, you answer to me!
[Gibbs leaves]
Trent Kort: Is he threatening me, Director?
Leon Vance: If he wasn't, I am.

Navy Lieutenant Jonas Cobb: Now what kind of less would you learn if my actions were humane?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You failed as Navy Officer. You were a disappointment to the CIA. Disappointment to your dad, and you want to teach me a lesson? Where is she?
Navy Lieutenant Jonas Cobb: Who's the one hold the sidearm now?


"NCIS: Legend: Part 1 (#6.22)" (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we've got some activity. We are not the only ones looking at Chandler. A BOLO's been issued out of Los Angeles. Nationwide alert.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: LAPD?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Negative.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who issued the BOLO, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We did, Boss. It's NCIS.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Macy still the agent in charge there?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: You got a problem.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs scoffs and starts to leave] She might.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Well, you're both on the same team. Work it out.

Abby Sciuto: [Speaking of Agent Macy] You know her. Not a question, Gibbs. You know her.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You find out anything, Abs, you contact me first. And then you can send it on to her.
Abby Sciuto: Are you going somewhere?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, that's why I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby Sciuto: Into the lioness's den?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs kisses Abby on the cheek] I'm taking McGee.
[Gibbs starts to leave]
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs... It's just... last time you guys went to LA, one of you didn't come back.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll bring him back, Abs.
[Gibbs leaves]
Abby Sciuto: Just... make sure you bring yourself back too.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Over an MTAC feed] You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.
Special Agent Lara Macy: You can tell him yourself.
[Gibbs enters]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hello Director Vance.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.

Special Agent G. Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well yeah, it's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Special Agent G. Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.

Special Agent Lara Macy: A word of advice, Jethro. Let me do my job.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like you did the first time we met?
[Rises and leaves]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That is not coffee.


"NCIS: Honor Code (#3.7)" (2005)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for 47 hours.
Ziva David: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
Timothy McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva David: Oh I can convince far *more* than that.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Ziva David: Not long.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs starts to walk out. Stops] McGee you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
[McGee and Gibbs leave the room, and close the door]
Timothy McGee: [outside] Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there?
[Gibbs stares at him]
Timothy McGee: I don't want to know.
[Gibbs shakes his head]
Timothy McGee: Okay.

Jenny Shepard: You think he might make another attempt to get Zach back?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If he does, I'll be waiting for him.
Zach Tanner: My dad didn't do anything wrong!
Jenny Shepard: It's a complicated situation.
Zach Tanner: IT'S NOT!
Jenny Shepard: Zach...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Zach, there's evidence he did something wrong.
Zach Tanner: Doesn't matter. I know in my- my stomach he didn't do anything wrong! You promised you'd bring him back to me, Gibbs. PLEASE!

Jenny Shepard: Always admired your way with children. Ever think of having any of your own?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?
Jenny Shepard: No it wasn't an offer, Jethro. It was merely an observation.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [slight pause] You know why I get along with kids so well? Because when they lie, they don't have the guile to get away with it.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you saying Zach is a mini-me?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs! I am so impressed with your pop culture reference!

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Why can't you just say that you like my dress?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I haven't decided yet.

Ziva David: [Talking about Zach] There's also someone from Social Security here to pick him up.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: "Services," Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva David: Noted.


"NCIS: Escaped (#4.2)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after a realtor shows Fornell to Gibbs's basement] First my wife, now my house?
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Oh, no. I've learned my lesson. I'm through with your leftovers.

Mickey Stokes: [Paulsen has a gun pointed at Mickey] Whoa! Whoa! Ag - Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't talk to me. I think he should shoot you... Except he's never been a killer.
[moves closer to Paulsen]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And I don't think he wants to start now.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I certainly wouldn't have let him steal MY car.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Didn't! It was DiNozzo's car!

Stanley Springer: I don't have to answer ANY MORE of your questions! No matter WHAT you say!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got this little girl... who wants to go home to her dad... and that's not going to happen without *your* help... So... please.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [from observation] Did Gibbs just say...?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: MM-hmm.
Stanley Springer: What- what did - did you want to know? Again?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't want me back?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: No, I don't.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Worried you can't handle me,
[imitating Mike Franks]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: No. Afraid you won't be able to handle yourself. You've already been in two comas. You might not come out of a third. Fact is, you're good. The best. When you're as good at something, when you can make a difference like you can, you don't just quit.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You're gonna need a bigger box for that boat.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come all the way out here to give me packing tips, Tobias?
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Actually, I came to tell you that Petty Officer Derrick Paulson escaped from prison yesterday.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [firmly] No.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I haven't asked you anything yet. You caught him last time. Figured you might like to catch him again.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You thought wrong.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He came to see me, Jethro. When I was with Emily.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She okay?
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: For now. He just wanted to tell me that I got the wrong man, and strongly suggested that I re-open his case to prove it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's risking a lot for something he knows can't happen.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You think? I don't know what his game is, but I'm not going to get a good night's sleep until that SOB is back behind bars.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't need me to find him.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: "Need"? A convicted killer was two inches from my daughter! Handing her crayons. He touched her! We're way beyond need, Jethro.


"NCIS: Frame Up (#3.9)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ass-kissing on the Hill is a skill.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: So is castration.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wear a cup.

Abby Sciuto: And don't worry Tony, the chances of even one of your teeth matching are like 100,000 to one.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do it, Abby.
[the program matches all of Tony's teeth to the bite marks]

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I know what you have to do, Jethro, and I won't stop you. But officially, I am suspending you from investigating this further, and I am turning it over to the FBI.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know... One request.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I'll see that Fornell runs the investigation. I always could read your mind.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs flashes back] Not always, Jen.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I heard you were quitting.
NCIS Special Agent David Brant: I like to refer to it as a lateral move into the recreational sector, Jethro.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I'll take care of him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know. But I wanna be kept in the loop.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Oh, now I'm hurt. Are you saying you don't trust me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whoever set this up, Tobias, is a pro. If this were to go to court right now, DiNozzo would not stand a chance!


"NCIS: An Eye for an Eye (#2.17)" (2005)
[Gibbs enters squad room to see what his team has found out]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Anybody! Talk to me.

[Abby and Ducky are in her lab, talking to Gibbs on the phone. Ducky starts to report, then remembers his manners]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I'm sorry. Ladies first.
Abby Sciuto: That is so sweet!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: It's a pleasure, I'm sure.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Today, Abby!

Abby Sciuto: You know that doesn't work with me... I always know when you're there... Gibbs?
[sound of the lab door closing]
Abby Sciuto: That's weird.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Shaking a Caf Pow] You lookin' for me?
Abby Sciuto: You are getting sneakier the older you get.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not to mention better lookin' What ya got?

Guyman Purcell: [teaching a lecture] Okay, now that we've learned a little bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?
[Tony starts to raise his hand to volunteer information]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What's your location?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're looking for the TAT building right now. The town's kind of hard to navigate.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [viewing Tony's position on a GPS map in MTAC] It's fifty feet right in front of you, DiNozzo.


"NCIS: My Other Left Foot (#1.12)" (2004)
[about a dead body]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any more tattoos?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, just the rose on Kate's butt.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [without missing a beat] It's not a rose.

[Tony is ranting about why he can't drive the car]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't drive because you're not going.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. That's different.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: His leg was found in a Clarksburgh, West Virginia trash bin early this morning.
Captain Brent Peters: Just the leg?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So far.
Captain Brent Peters: How deteriorated was the leg?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It wasn't. The M.E. estimated that he had died within the previous twenty-four hours.
[Dr. Peters gives Gibbs a confused look]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There a problem?
Captain Brent Peters: According to his military record, PFC Doren died two years ago.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gunny Vestman. Special Agent Gibbs.
[shows his badge]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: N.C.I.S.
Gunnery Sergeant Vestman: Recall an M.P. Gibbs. Lejeune. Long time ago.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could be.
Gunnery Sergeant Vestman: He was high and tight.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [scratching his head] Not exactly long and shaggy, Gunny.
Gunnery Sergeant Vestman: Seen sheep dogs shorter!

[to a suspect]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Boy, oh, boy, you are good. But so are we.


"NCIS: Recruited (#8.12)" (2011)
Doctor Walter Magnus: Unbelieveable. What I would have give for a- a piece of hardware like her - I mean like this.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well you were part of a different era, Walter
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ah Hell, Doctor, nothing to be ashamed of.

Leon Vance: Gibbs, even with the change in military regulation, you're about to tick off a lot of important people.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe.
Leon Vance: It's a Hell of a can of worms.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, someone's gotta open it.
Leon Vance: And it might as well be you.

Paul Simmons: Look, ever since his mother died. Paul's had it rough. She understood him. You know, he just needs a little - a little guidance. You lose a parent that young like he did, he's messed up that's all.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He's still got a father... *Act* like one!

Lance Simmons: Think about it. Your gay son comes to tell you that he wants to join the military. What would you say?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: ...I'd wish him luck. Try to be there for him.
Lance Simmons: My dad couldn't wrap his head around it. Thought it was crazy. Rather than talk me out of it, tried to make it all just go away.

Nina Craig: My brother loved the Navy, Agent Gibbs, and he loved helping people even more. That's what made him such a good recruiter.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: A man has to enjoy his work to do it well.


"NCIS: Worst Nightmare (#8.2)" (2010)
Ziva David: Agent Gibbs is not, uh, shall we say not fond of outsiders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's not going to like you. And frankly, you're not going to like him either.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony...
Sarah Knox: Why not?
[Gibbs enters in the far background]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, I'm not going to answer that question
[Gibbs starts approaching the group]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: because if I do, he's going to walk up behind me and make me regret it. He slithers through the grass like a snake. He's not friendly. He's oily -
[Gibbs slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Done, DiNozzo?

Nicholas Mason: That's why I am calling you. To warn you. These people cannot be trusted. It was like ameteur hour out there today.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And you're the professional, right?
Nicholas Mason: I am what I am. Bad luck for these guys. The rest is not important.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mason, you need to come in before you cross a line you cannot come back from.
Nicholas Mason: I don't have a lot of time so let me be as clear as I can be. There is no force on this planet that's going to stop me from finding my granddaughter. You have to work within the law. I am a bit more flexible.

Conrad Zuse: [Gibbs is taking evidence money for the ransom] And you - and you can just do that? You can just take the money like that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Can in two days.
Conrad Zuse: ...You could get in a lot of trouble.
[They exchange looks]
Conrad Zuse: So why do it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's my job.
Conrad Zuse: Your job is to stick your neck out?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Building catches fire. Most people run away. Some people - run in.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who are you?
[Mason doesn't respond]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Okay, now we're wasting time.
Nicholas Mason: You're not authorized.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Who can authorize me?
Nicholas Mason: The President of the United States.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]
Nicholas Mason: The one buried in Simi Valley, out in California.

Nicholas Mason: Thank you. Could have used a guy like you on my team.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We could still use a guy like you.


"NCIS: Kill Ari: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That bastard already killed one of my people, he's trying to kill more! I'll tell you something else, no suit with a tight sphincter is getting in my way, and that includes you, Jen.

[after each sees the other with a woman they don't know]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You first.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva David. She's here to stop you from wacking Ari. Yours?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard. Same mission.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Are you going to have a problem taking orders from me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: As Director or as a woman?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Either.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: As a Marine sniper, I used hand-loaded Lapua .308 boat-tail, full metal jacket, moly-coated bullets.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know what a sniper calls a Bravo 51?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A Kate.

Tom Morrow: Anyway, you're not my problem anymore, Jethro.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You firing me, sir?
Tom Morrow: I've been offered a Deputy Directors position at Homeland Security.
Tom Morrow: You'd leave NCIS, sir?
Tom Morrow: Well, the agency could use some younger blood.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, who'd be replacing you, sir?
Tom Morrow: [smirks]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not me!
Tom Morrow: [laughs] Much as I like you, Jethro, I would not shoot NCIS in the *head*.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [shakes his head]
Tom Morrow: He's your problem now, Director.


"NCIS: Thirst (#9.6)" (2011)
Ziva David: If Tony was flirting, he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva David: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources of *office* gossip.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That is completely unfair!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Abby Sciuto: That euphoria would cause an accelerated heart rate and increased body temperature. Resulting in severe dehydration. Which naturall would lead to an extreme... unquenchable...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Thirst.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Sadism masquerading as kindness.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The killer didn't pump Simms full of water. He fed it to him.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let me get this straight. Abby is your source? What's the big secret? You've been my source on plenty of stuff.
Abby Sciuto: Um, well, not for gossip. Sorry, Tony. I mean, I can't tell you some things because you *totally* blab. Kind of like some other people that I suddenly find myself disappointed in.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How could I have fallen so far off the trust ladder?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Not a ladder, DiNozzo. More like a stepstool.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Something tells me we may be looking at victim number one.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I hate to say serial killer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you said it.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm thinking it.

Dr. Donald Mallard: You know, Jethro, psychotic behavior is so bizzare. Yet, I just can't understand how I missed it. I'll never trust my judgement again.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Won't have to, Duck. I'll trust it for you.


"NCIS: South by Southwest (#6.17)" (2009)
Uniformed Cop #2: Special Agent Gibbs. Got a woman who insists on talking to you. Claims she's with NCIS. Real weirdo, wearing a Dracula cape and a dog collar.
[chuckles slightly]
Uniformed Cop #2: Like she'd be with you.
[Gibbs looks over and spots Abby]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She is.
Uniformed Cop #2: You serious?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah, let her in.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ever talk about art?... When you weren't talking about forensic evidence, what'd you talk about?
Abby Sciuto: Well that's personal Gibbs. I feel like you're interrogating me.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I am!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, we got a problem. Barthomew Leming from OHS is here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's the problem?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's the *real* Barthomew Lemming. The guy we've been dealing with is an imposter.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can you get nerve damage on your buttox?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're going to feel worse in the morning.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't say that Boss.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I did talk to the local sheriff - guy by the name of Clay Boyd.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [impersonating Sherriff Boyd] And he said that he was looking for her, but she, well, she just disappeared.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Disappeared?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [continues talking in low voice] Disappeared. Like she just fell off the face of the earth. He talks just like that. That's how he talks.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [losing his patience]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [switches to perfect english] I won't though. Says that she has a remote, mountain retreat where likes to go and paint, but he doesn't ow where it is.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee] Find it, McGee.


"NCIS: Switch (#3.5)" (2005)
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, it might not be rigged with a bomb, per se... I love saying "per se." It's one of those phrases no one really knows what it means, but you use it anyway, 'cause... Am I off topic again?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You may be.

Special Agent Ziva David: Just to be clear, are there any more of these "rules" I should be aware of?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Special Agent Ziva David: [disbelieving chuckle] And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could...?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Special Agent Ziva David: [getting angry] Then how am I supposed to...?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.

Abby Sciuto: Good news and bad news, Gibbs. Good news is I'm still cute. Bad news, the bomb squad got a little trigger happy.
[holds up the remains of the box]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They blew up the metal box.
Abby Sciuto: Do you have any idea what's beyond smithereens?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby Sciuto: Me neither. That's what we've got.

Timothy McGee: Okay, the dead guy downstairs who we thought was impersonating Petty Officer Jerry Smith is actually the real Petty Officer Jerry Smith. And the Jerry Smith Tony and Ziva talked to in Norfolk turns out to be the fake Jerry Smith, and it's confusing.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Kind of like "the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle"?
[no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true"?
[again, no reaction]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Court Jester"? Danny Kaye? Come on, guys. It's a classic.
[Gibbs thumps Tony on the forehead]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who is he, McGee?
Timothy McGee: John Kirby. We lifted his prints from his desk at Norfolk.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: His empty desk. He didn't report for duty today.
Timothy McGee: He and Smith had overlapping tours at Jacksonville in '02. Kirby was discharged in '03.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Honorably.
Timothy McGee: Boss, these guys must have had this planned from the first day of Smith's new assignment.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think so, McGee? I'm gonna need Kirby's
Timothy McGee: Address. He lives on West Little Creek. Been there about a year. And the warrant.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, take a ride.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You got it, boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get a BOLO out on Kirby with the FBI, local, and state.
Timothy McGee: Already done, boss.
Special Agent Ziva David: "BOLO"?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Be on the lookout."

[Abby is rambling while talking with Gibbs]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo.
Abby Sciuto: [mildly hurt] You wouldn't!
[Gibbs nods pointedly at her]
Abby Sciuto: You would?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It won't be on the head.


"NCIS: Love & War (#6.14)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The sadness when I hear you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean, like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What part of "Level 5 sorceress" don't you understand?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] All of it.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you got, Abs?
Abby Sciuto: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent. The unattainable...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
Abby Sciuto: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Six... Christmas Eve.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So basically you got nothing.
Abby Sciuto: I've spoiled you Gibbs. You can't get an answer every time you come down here. But next time, I *will* have something.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time, you'll have a Caf-Pow!

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why don't we just bring her in?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, what are we going to put on the warrant, Probie? "Gibbs's gut?"
[off Gibbs's look]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not that that wouldn't be valid. I'm sure that...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to her friends.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby...
Abby Sciuto: '72 Skylark, custom hubcaps. I already told Tony to put out a BOLO.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was going to say "Nice job."
[Gibbs walks away]
Abby Sciuto: Oh...
[Dejectedly]
Abby Sciuto: Obviously not nice enough.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fridge.
[Abby looks at the fridge and notices a Caf-Pow! Abby gasps, and goes to the fridge]
Abby Sciuto: I don't know how you did that and I don't care!
[Holds it aloft]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs!


"NCIS: Dog Tags (#5.13)" (2008)
Abby Sciuto: [to a dog] Who's a good Jethro?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] I'm a good Jethro?
Abby Sciuto: Don't be mad. Be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Abby Sciuto: All right, I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was of the essence. And besides, Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: From his point of view, both the cocaine and the trafficker were found. Problem solved.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that your point of view?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I can... sympathize with the commander's point of view.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, you sympathize, I'll keep investigating!

Petty Officer Erica Perelli: [examining McGee's wounds] Looks like he bit you pretty bad.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've been bitten harder... by dogs. I love dogs. I'm a dog person, really.
Petty Officer Erica Perelli: What kind of dog do you have?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't yet. But I might. WILL soon. Very soon. I just need to find the right girl - dog. Girl dog. I want a girl dog. I do like boys though.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Don't ask, don't tell, McGee.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [entering their victim's bedroom and seeing Ziva looking under the bed] Room with a view.
[snaps a photo of Ziva's butt]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey!
[slaps Tony's head]


"NCIS: Borderland (#7.22)" (2010)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I got it!
[Grabs Grouch Marx glasses from a drawer and puts them on]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never fails to please.
[DiNozzo turns around and faces Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi boss. This isn't what it looks like.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just out of curiosity, how exactly does this look?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It looks like we got a dead Marine. Grab your gear. ,, And a little self-respect, DiNozzo.

Abby Sciuto: I remember the last time the director wanted to see me. Do you know about the last time the director wanted to see me?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.
Abby Sciuto: Okay, no sense in mentioning it then again.

Abby Sciuto: A mini pow? Ugh. This is another bad omen. Gibbs, this does not bode well for my future.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby, I wouldn't worry about it.
Abby Sciuto: Why's that?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Because I got your back. Always have.
[Gibbs kisses her on the cheek]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Always will.

Abby Sciuto: The only thing I do know is that I didn't find this out by accident.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule 40?
Abby Sciuto: "If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are."

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby Sciuto: Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I made a mistake with the ballistics.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby Sciuto: Then... tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you love me.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby Sciuto: No. What I really need to know Gibbs, is if you're gonna love me... no matter what.


"NCIS: Internal Affairs (#5.14)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come on, we have work to do.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We can't investigate the FBI's case!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're going to investigate the FBI.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: How'd you get the boat out?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Broke the bottle.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! Why are you touching his face?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. It's soft, like touching a bunny rabbit.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Hands Ziva his knife] The FBI car out front.
Officer Ziva David: [Takes the knife and pops the blade open, smiling] Got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva! Their tires, not their throats.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hello, Leon.
Leon Vance: Gibbs.
[Vance hands Gibbs a pair of bills and some change]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Two dollars and forty-two cents.
Leon Vance: It's for the cheese Danish.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That was eight years ago.
Leon Vance: Nine.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you the one responsible for this fishing expedition?
Leon Vance: The Bureau's doing the fishing. I'm just driving the boat.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Keep it off the rocks.


"NCIS: Kill Ari: Part 2 (#3.2)" (2005)
[last lines]
Agent Caitlin Todd: [Gibbs is picturing Kate in the casket] You're late for my funeral, Gibbs.
Gibbs: [long pause, grins] Sorry, Kate.

Ari Haswari: I need you to commit suicide with your own rifle. You never did give me enough credit in our game. I knew it was a trap before Ziva to me you asked her to cover you. You'd never trust Ziva, and you need to kill me... taste the sweetness of revenge.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I've killed enough men in my life, Ari. It's going to be just as sweet watching you die!

Gibbs: If I ask you something, Tobias, you gonna lie to me?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Depends on the question.
Gibbs: What's Ari Hassari's real mission here?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I'm gonna lie to you. Mossad lies to the CIA, they lie to us, I lie to you. I don't know who you lie to, being the bottom of the armed-fed-food-chain... and not married.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I can't believe this. I'm director less than 24 hours, and I'm back on the street.
Gibbs: Yeah, It's great isn't it?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Truth be told, I'd rather be in bed.
[Gibbs gives her a surprised look]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Sleeping.

Gibbs: [storming toward the elevator] Okay, from now on, EVERYONE is using phonetics, like we used to do in the Corps!
Abby Sciuto: Uhh, Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
[Gibbs pauses, glaring]
Abby Sciuto: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm freaking out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Okay, go. But don't...
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I know, don't leave the building. Okay.
[waves]
Abby Sciuto: Bravo Yankee Echo!


"NCIS: Hometown Hero (#2.21)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're holding Petty Officer Dobbs' body for you at the Dover morgue.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't get it, I thought he died in combat.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: What do you expect me to find?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, Jethro, I can spend forever finding nothing.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after seeing Tony's Vette destroyed on TV] Fiberglass, it's not good for boats either. Have a good weekend.

Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: Dobbs died as a result of enemy fire in Iraq. What bearing does that have on a girl who was killed two years ago in Richfield, Virginia?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can never be too thorough.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: You're pushing it, Gibbs. Why are you sticking your neck out for this guy?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Several Marines witnessed Petty Officer Dobbs saving lives. No one witnessed him taking one.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You ever think the petty officer might be guilty?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Crossed my mind.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: More than once obviously. Othewise you'd be telling me your gut says he's not guilty.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Several marine guts in Iraq saying that.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not yours?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [pause] Yeah. Yeah. My gut says it too!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Your gut? Or Semper Fi?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell me about it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is it that obvious? I'm sorry, boss. It's just upsetting. My car wasn't towed. It was stolen.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell me about the storage locker, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.


"NCIS: The Inside Man (#7.3)" (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey Boss, you ever fail your polygraph?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. Never took one.

Abby Sciuto: [DiNozzo and McGee enter the lab] You're out!
[to Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Did you know?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director handled it. Way above my paygrade. Don't get too comfortable boy. We've got a search team to organize.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I better go down, reschedule this polygraph test.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't bother, McGee. Nothing wrong with the first one.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What do you mean?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think you made an impression on the examiner.
[McGee looks confused]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think she made an excuse to see you again.
[McGee still looks confused]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want me to draw you a picture?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee understands] No. I'm going to handle her boss.

Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: [Ziva hands Gibbs some papers] I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS Agent.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from Mossad.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Already have. Sent my father an email.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's he think about that?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Does not matter.

NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How you doing? Special Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo. Sit down.
Benjamin Franklin: Thank you. Benjamin Franklin, Securities and Exchange Commission. I know, I don't look like an SEC investigator.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is that really your name?
Benjamin Franklin: Yes, and I've heard every imaginable joke. So, spare me?


"NCIS: Caged (#6.12)" (2009)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Examining a body in the field] Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. I mean -
[Ducky lifts a hand of the body]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: The other hand too, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky lifts the other hand] Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Dead 11 years.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And I know who did it.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! That's where McGee is.
[Steps in front of Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: Is everything okay?
[Gibbs stares at her]
Abby Sciuto: Everything's not okay.
[Gibbs moves past her]
Abby Sciuto: Wait! What happened? Gibbs!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Need to find his killer.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. In a room full of them.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Prison guard as an inmate.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I hear they make you Prom Queen. And every night is Prom Night.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: None of the visitors or the injured guard saw Trimble get stabbed, boss.
Officer Ziva David: The DEA is cross-checking all inmates with links to known drug dealers.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've got a feeling that's going to be a long list.
Officer Ziva David: They're checking prison employees, as well.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Security footage.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it right here, boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll be like your closed captioning.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: My what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [dismissing an explanation] I'll talk. You listen.


"NCIS: The Good Wives Club (#2.2)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only prints in the room were hers?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, I'm afraid so. I found traces of cleanser on the furniture.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's cautious.
Abby Sciuto: So am I. When I... chain guys up.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [as Gibbs chains her wrists] This is not what I had in mind, Gibbs.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You wanted a reenactment. Reenact.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I wanted to observe.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm observing.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: This is going to be useful, Abby, why?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good windup before I deliver my knockout.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just hit me with it, Baby.

[exhaustive helicopter search has failed to find victim]
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What now, Gibbs?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastically] Well, I guess we just give up, Agent Todd.

[DiNozzo and the all-seeing, all-knowing Gibbs talk on phone]
Anthony DiNozzo: I'll make, um...
[gestures an order to McGee]
Anthony DiNozzo: copies of their service photos.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo...
Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Make the copies yourself.
Anthony DiNozzo: Of course.


"NCIS: Twisted Sister (#4.9)" (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss? Why do you have my sister's cell phone?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I have a better question for you. What's your sister's cell phone doing on *my* dead body?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: [after McGee's given his badge/gun to the Director] Boss, don't try to talk me out of...
[Gibbs slaps the back of McGee's head]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never let *anyone* manipulate you like that!
[moves in closer]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not even the Director!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, I've been looking all over the building for you.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Well, since we're low on agents, I thought I would give Abby a hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The only reason we're low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: There's no sense in getting us all sick...
Abby Sciuto: [as Gibbs] "Next time you send one of my team home, you clear it with me first, Director!"
[as Jenny]
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel, Agent Gibbs!"
[as Gibbs]
Abby Sciuto: "*Your* personnel?"
[as Jenny]
Abby Sciuto: "Last time I checked, it said Director on *my* door, not yours!"
[to both of them, as herself]
Abby Sciuto: The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do you know what a clog is?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... a shoe or a blocked drain?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On the Internet.
Officer Ziva David: I thought that was a "blog." But my English is often wrong.

[last lines]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sometimes, McGee, a little lie, it's good for the soul.


"NCIS: Nine Lives (#6.5)" (2008)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: There you go.
[Helping River's with his bloody nose]
FBI Agent Bruce Rivers: There's gonna be payback.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Sure. You lost a fight with a door. I wouldn't try to get back at Gibbs. Don't forget to ice that.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: All right Agent Gibbs, interview's over!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What interview, Tobias?
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hey, good luck with your investigation.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of deal?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Immediately after the trial. Kale is going to put in the witness protection program. So even if he did murder Brewer, we'll never know.
Officer Ziva David: It will be as if he never existed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just like Fornell wanted.

Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: That bust gave me a career. Meanwhile Azari quietly took over the reins. Killed at least five in his first year, probably a dozen more since.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's the nature of the job. You cut off one head, another grows back.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You made a mistake.
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: No. Marrying your second wife was a mistake. This
[Fornell sighs]
Sr. FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Azari's long overdue, Jethro. I want this son-of-a-bitch!


"NCIS: Enemies Foreign (#8.8)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Officer Hadar. You almost made me spill my coffee.
Mossad Officer Amit Hadar: Americans. You can never just say hello.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: How about "Shalom?" Hello and goodbye.
Mossad Officer Amit Hadar: And peace, Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not a lot of that when you're around.
Mossad Officer Amit Hadar: Do you have a minute to sit down with my director? Please come with me. He is waiting for you.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You know what they say about a man with no vices?
Mossad Director Eli David: Yes. He has incredibly annoying virtues.

Mossad Director Eli David: The assassins - I am surprise, and not unimpressed that they have made it this far. But I am not concerned. My people will ensure my safety.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nope. I already got 3 bodies on the slab. You should have told us you were coming. But like it or not, protecting you is *my* responsibility.
Mossad Director Eli David: A joint effort, I think

Leon Vance: How's our own David handling it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.
Leon Vance: So it's a problem.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [approaching Malachi and Liat] What are you doing here?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, hey, boss. Uh, we were just having a pretty good time lying to each other, and... I think was about to boil off, actually.


"NCIS: Dead Man Talking (#1.19)" (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [has his weapon pointed at the head of Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Problemo?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, you really want to do that to McGee? Special Agent Bligh...
[gesturing to DiNozzo]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: ...here is going to eat him alive.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee looks up to me, as a mentor.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Ugh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want to be stuck in a cramped apartment with DiNozzo? Be my guest.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: On the other hand, it'll help McGee build character.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [seeing Chris Pacci's dead body] Bastard disemboweled him.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, but I don't think that was the cause of death.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that a bullet wound?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, in the neck. Most likely pierced the carotid artery. It was a quick death. He would have bled out in less than a minute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shouldn't there be a lot more blood?
Dr. Donald Mallard: If he was shot in the elevator.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think it happened topside?
Dr. Donald Mallard: That would be my guess. But this, this slashing, was done here in the elevator.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rage or ritual, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I don't know, Jethro. Maybe after I've autopsied him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Chris asked me for help on a cold case. I was chasing Curtain and didn't have time.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He said it could wait. What difference did another day make.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, this is not your fault.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It feels like it is, Ducky.

Abby Sciuto: Hey Gibbs, you there?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: You rule.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know, but remind me why.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [answers his phone, knowing what Todd is going to say] You found a lot of blood.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [surprised] Yeah.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're looking for a murder weapon.


"NCIS: Legend: Part 2 (#6.23)" (2009)
Special Agent Lara Macy: Officer David was sent back to Israel last year.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you asking me do I trust her? Because the answer is yes, with my life.
Special Agent Lara Macy: You don't think I'm very good at this do you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The Director must or you wouldn't be doing this job.
Special Agent Lara Macy: You shouldn't judge me on past performances. It was 18 years ago.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you find?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whose boat is this?
Special Agent Mike Renko: I have no idea.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey! Sand *with* the grain Renko.
Special Agent Mike Renko: You've done this before?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.

Special Agent Lara Macy: If you were Rivkin, where would you be?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I wouldn't be far. I'd want to finish the job.
Special Agent Lara Macy: At our expense. If we're going to find their target, and their support team, we need at least one of them alive.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. He doesn't think that way.
[Gibbs starts to leave]
Special Agent Lara Macy: Where the hell are you going?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'll let you know when I get there.

Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: We fight the same fight. Only ours began at Auswitz.I have 6 million uniforms. Every one is different.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got one.
[Rivki goes to his car]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva David. She works for me.
Mossad Officer Michael Rivkin: Shalom.


"NCIS: Jeopardy (#3.22)" (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Jenny can take care of herself, Gibbs. She was a good agent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still is!

NCIS Special Agent Cassie Yates: The only thing James loves more than money is his baby brother. As long as you've got Brian in custody, James should be easy to manipulate.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Brian Dempsey's dead. You still think he'll be easy to manipulate, Cassie?
NCIS Special Agent Cassie Yates: I'm on my way!

Cynthia Sumner: I'm NOT trying to be difficult. But the Director has been *very* clear, her schedule is confidential, even to you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Are you done?
[Cynthia nods]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director Shepard has been kidnapped. I need to know where she was when it happened.
Cynthia Sumner: Okay.

Officer Ziva David: Look, I know this looks bad. I also know with Brian Dempsey dead, it's nearly impossible to bring down his South African distributors, much less prosecute his brother.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's not our biggest problem here, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: [nodding] It appears there's only one way to fix this.
[removes her gun puts it aside]
Officer Ziva David: I've seen it in your American movies.
[remove her badge, grabs Gibbs's hand and puts her badge in his hand]
Officer Ziva David: This is where I resign.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time you hand me your badge,
[gives her badge back]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: you had better be prepared to lose it.


"NCIS: About Face (#5.17)" (2008)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's not a field agent.
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: He's a member of your team.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He works for Ducky.
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: Ducky works for you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Something *bugging* you, Leon?
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: Yeah. Director's back end of the week. I wanna go home. I miss my kids. I miss San Diego. Missed my *damned* flight because of this case. I just want it solve it so I can leave!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Works for me!

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: How is Mr. Palmer?... I really miss his assistance. You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hah, he'll be all right.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, you let me worry about the shooter.

Jimmy Palmer: How do you do it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hmm?
Jimmy Palmer: Block out the fear.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.

[Jimmy pulls up to a suspect's home after being told to stay at NCIS]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What are you doing here?
Jimmy Palmer: I thought I could help.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What part of stay don't you understand? Stay! You stay in the car!
[while Gibbs and the team are busy Jimmy notices the suspect about to escape and rams his car]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after disarming the suspect] What the hell was that?
Jimmy Palmer: I did *not* get out of the car.


"NCIS: Forced Entry (#2.9)" (2004)
[McGee is innocently drinking coffee that Tony gave him without mentioning that it belongs to Gibbs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
Timothy McGee: Uh, yeah!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's not too hot?
Timothy McGee: [pause] It's your coffee. I'm, uh... Sorry, Boss. I'll get you another one.
[to Tony and Kate]
Timothy McGee: Thanks.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule Twenty-Three.
Tony DiNozzo: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
Marine Sgt. Chris Hegarty: You never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: [laughs] That's right.
[as McGee leaves]
Tony DiNozzo: Dead man walking!

[McGee is hacking into the computer of an adult website]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long is this going to take?
Timothy McGee: Wha... there's a number of different variables - code complexity, accuracy of the logs, software...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You have one hour.
Timothy McGee: Or... one hour.

[last lines]
Tony DiNozzo: Yep, it's amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate.
Timothy McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I've, uh, got a little somethin' you might be interested in.
Tony DiNozzo: Who's this supposed to be?
Timothy McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24.
[McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, she's a real keeper, DiNozzo.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: I wonder if he wears a sports bra.

Abby Sciuto: [about a suspect] This guy is cleaner than cleaner, whiter than white. If you put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby Sciuto: ...Or it just means he's never been caught.


"NCIS: Defiance (#8.15)" (2011)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, this is all my fault. I take responsibility for what happened here. You'll have my resignation by the end of the day.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You break protocol, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No but...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm responsible. You're part of a team. You're part of *my* team! And I sure as Hell am not turning in my badge!

Joe Don Wynn: So you gonna talk to the judge, right?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No.
Joe Don Wynn: What? You said you would!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I said I could, but I won't! You built a bomb that killed a US Marine.

Leon Vance: Nothing ever changes. Does it, Gibbs? Rules just don't apply to you, do they?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We were doing our job, Leon.
Leon Vance: When were you going to tell me about the daughter?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why'd you assume we screwed up? Girl was in on her own kidnapping, Leon. It couldn't have been prevented by anyone.
Leon Vance: That's your theory. Do you have any proof?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Defense treaty was just signed. Gorgova and his party are departing Andrews at 1345.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Adrianna with him?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mm-hm.
Ziva David: Wait. So she cooperates in her own kidnapping and then she gets off Scotch free?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: "Scot".
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Diplomatic immunity.


"NCIS: Red Cell (#2.20)" (2005)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [watching DiNozzo from observation] What kind of interogation technique is that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty, but it's effective.

Sgt. Leeka: [after Gibbs fends off an attack and hits Leeka] Not bad Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'd give up now, it's only going to get worse.

[last lines]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Some how I don't remember college being quite like this.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Reminds me of time at Ohio State, we had this frat guy who...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [bloody and out of breath from a fight] The next person who mentions the Spring Break, or a frat party, or *College*... is fired! Are we clear?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes.

[after McGee's IP trace leads him to the wrong house]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I am gonna *kill* McGee.


"NCIS: Conspiracy Theory (#2.19)" (2005)
Lt. Cmdr. Allan Witten: I have a degree in Clinical Psychology. Do you have *any* expertise in the area, Agent Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. No I do not... just a BS meter.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What are you doing here Tobias?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Can't an old friend just stop by?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well you are old, I'll give you that.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Now why don't I believe that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mostly because I'm a bastard.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [taunting Kate about her spring break photo] Kate, when they pour cold water over your chest, doesn't that sort of make you
[shudders, to pantomime shivering]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo! You do that again, I will put my boot so far up your ass.


"NCIS: Enemies Domestic (#8.9)" (2010)
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [as Leon's being wheeled into surgery] You're in charge, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not you, Leon.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I trust you, Gibbs.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister, now remember, you're supposed to ask me before using the men's room.
Former NCIS Special Agent Riley McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Denied.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rule number 9.
[Gibbs pulls out a knife]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: How the Hell did you get that past security?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs puts the knife on Leon's table. Then whispers] Never go anywhere without a knife.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: [Leon hits his hands against the table] Damn it, Riley!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Entering] Hey! That's my danish! What is your problem, man?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: My bad. I'll get you back for that.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, you will.
Former NCIS Special Agent Riley McCallister: Gibbs, Leon. Leon, Gibbs.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: I'll remember.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Me too.


"NCIS: Lt. Jane Doe (#2.4)" (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've been holding out on me, Doctor.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes, Agent Gibbs... I have.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's not the first trident you've seen carved on the neck of a victim, is it?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come here. Abs, you'll need Ducky's help.
Abby Sciuto: No I won't!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs nods in Ducky's direction. Ducky looks pitifully at the screen pics of the two victims] Abs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes I will.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to McGee who is under Abby's feet at a computer] Special Agent Goodwrench?
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] McGee is rewiring my Hot Box.


"NCIS: Ravenous (#3.17)" (2006)
Special Agent Ziva David: [as they're about to search for a suspect] Gibbs, I d be better suited if I actually went
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're taking him alive! Let's roll!
[Gibbs, DiNozzo and McGee leave]
Park Ranger Bobby Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're female.
Special Agent Ziva David: Oh, he's not trying to protect *me*. He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

[a group of new agents have been assigned to observe an autopsy]
Officer Ziva David: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: How do you fail an autopsy?
[one of the junior agents vomits]
Officer Ziva David: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our director.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs hands McGee a digital camera] Here, McGee, take the, uh, film... dooey-whacker out of there and put it up there on the plasma.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well Boss, actually this is a digital camera. They use a memory card now...
[off Gibbs's look]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'll put in the dooey-whacker.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Gonna have to postpone the class, Doctor. We've got a body in Shenandoah National Park.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, perhaps you'd care to share the specifics with the class. The three leading causes of death in our national parks are: heart attacks, hiking accidents, and prolonged exposure to the elements.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not this time. A sailor was eaten... by a bear.


"NCIS: Grace Period (#4.19)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [walks in on Abby and McGee Hugging] I'm not even gonna ask.
Abby Sciuto: [jumps up from hug] Technically it was a squatting hug, or squg.

NCIS Special Agent Paula Cassidy: I should've gone in with those guys!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, yeah. Then you'd be *dead* too. It was an ambush, there was nothing you could've done.
NCIS Special Agent Paula Cassidy: Would you feel the same way if it was your team?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes I would.
NCIS Special Agent Paula Cassidy: [pause nodding her head] I have tough time believing that, Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah well the difference between us, Paula. Is I wouldn't stop to grieve until I put bastards responsible for this in the ground!... What about you?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [just arriving at his desk] This better not be another recall drill! I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon
Officer Ziva David: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They were attacked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She survived.
Officer Ziva David: Her men *weren't* as lucky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What the hell happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] We're going to find out, DiNozzo! Grab your gear!
[they don't react]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: GRAB YOUR GEAR!

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I didn't bring you here for security.
NCIS Special Agent Paula Cassidy: I know I made a mistake but...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Say a prayer for your team, Cassidy. *We'll* do the heavy lifting.


"NCIS: Under Covers (#3.8)" (2005)
[after the elevator doors close]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Well, we really screwed this one up.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, you think, Tobias?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: The question now is, how do we fix this without our directors getting into a world-class pissing match?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Joint op?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Who takes lead?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My team's already in place.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You find out who hired them?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We're working on that.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I'm gonna need more than that for my tap dance at the Hoover Building, Jethro.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Give us 24 hours, then we'll flip.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: FBI gets operational control?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, and credit for the collar.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Agreed. The directors get to save face and we...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get the job done.
[Gibbs pushes the button to return the elevator to the squadroom]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Only because they know us.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're not the only one around here who knows how to play politics.
Jenny Shepard: [slight chuckle] You're not serious. Your idea of politics usually involves some form of physical violence.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well you know what they say, Jen. Can't make an omelet unless you break a few eggs.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're damn lucky we didn't blow these two away!
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't strayed into our jusidiction!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Conference room, now!
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: So eager to play with the big boys.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Big boys, my ass!

Timothy McGee: [whispering to Tony in the hotel room] If you whisper it should be okay.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [from headquarters with Jenny] Comfortable, DiNozzo?
Tony DiNozzo: Well, yeah. Workin' on it. Why do you ask?
Jenny Shepard: We're looking at you Agent DiNozzo. *All* of you.
Tony DiNozzo: [embarassed] Uh, sorry.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! What the hell are you going? You're *married* assassins, you're not visiting the Playboy mansion.
Tony DiNozzo: It was kind of Ziva's idea, boss.


"NCIS: The Penelope Papers (#9.3)" (2011)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kind of makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are similarities.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.
Ziva David: That is disgusting.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The venier of impenetribility.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The skill at turning one word into a rallying cry.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Gear up!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Guess that's two words.

Jimmy Palmer: [to Ducky] It's just all this wedding planning stuff. It just has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help. Everything I say... seems wrong. What should I do?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Just give her what she wants.
Jimmy Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life, Jim boy.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, you don't understand, once she gets comitted to a cause, there's no stopping her.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Can't wait McGee. Get her to talk, McGee - or I will.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs is questioning Penelope in Interrogation] You know something about Lt. Booth's death.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching from the side] Boss...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe you're involved with something way over your head.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Maybe you're covering for the real killer.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: ENOUGH!


"NCIS: Dead and Unburied (#4.5)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, over here. Hands and knees.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not going to step on me, are you?
[looks up at Gibbs, Gibbs looks back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, right.
[crouches down]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Footprints, footprints, looking for footprints... it's a pretty tight weave.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag.
[Gibbs and McGee just look at him while Palmer grins like a loon]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Uh, from a... criminal investigative standpoint.

Abby Sciuto: [discussing a murder victim's clothes] His underwear are boxer briefs, like you wear, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're fishing, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: So, are they regular boxers? Trunks? Bikinis? Nothing?

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How'd this guy die, doctor?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: As I told you, when I know, you'll know.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Know faster.

Abby Sciuto: You shaved your moustache. I liked you with a little hair on your face.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Still got my eyebrows.


"NCIS: Jet Lag (#7.13)" (2010)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Grab your stuff, McGee. We're going on a trip of our own.
Leon Vance: Someplace exotic?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah. Downtown.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sargeant Mark Parsons. Member of his Special Ops Team said that he was good Marine, but a loner. No family. No close friends. Apparently our Marine-turned-hitman really kept to himself.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nature of the business.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [as Gibbs is leaving] Yeah, it's been a long time since I visited Paris. Or - or went to the theatre.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs stops and turns around] YOu asking me on a date, Duck?
Abby Sciuto: [Over the computer] Can I come too?

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I'm going to call an ambulance. Boss? Boss, you okay?
[Gibbs groans]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you- uh- did you hit your shoulder?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No. The car did, McGee. Cuff him.


"NCIS: Sharif Returns (#4.13)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [referring to Abby's tattoo decision] I don't think I'm the one to ask about this...
Abby Sciuto: But Gibbs, you know me better than anyone else. And when you're going to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life, you need the person around you that knows you best for guidance. Please!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where do you want to put the tattoo?
Abby Sciuto: ...Okay, you're right. You're not the one to ask.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: People get older, realize that they want something different
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: And you can tell this just by looking into someone's eyes?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Okay, what do you see in my eyes?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That you want me to kiss you.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: So are you going to?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: When?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: After we catch Sharif.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: That's probably a good idea.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Really? 'Cause I was hoping you wouldn't think that.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: No, no it's a good idea and I better go before I change my mind. You know we're a distraction to your team. We can't have anything interfering with finding Sharif.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, and we're gonna find him, then what?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Interfere.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Officer Ziva David: [interrupting] Run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And find out...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [inturrupting] If any of them were BZ gas. On it, boss.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Well, they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Funny us running into each other like that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Funny?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: You have a better word?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [chuckles] A few come to mind.


"NCIS: Caught on Tape (#2.15)" (2005)
[Gibbs sneaks up behind a hiding suspect]
David Runion: How... how'd you...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sneak up on you like that?
David Runion: Yeah.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead, instead of under arrest. Any other questions?
David Runion: Uh-uh.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: At least I don't hang out with married people, Kate.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [to Abby] Will you please tell him that men and women can just be friends?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely they can.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Without having sex?
Abby Sciuto: Oh no, they'll have sex.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Abby!
Abby Sciuto: What, Kate, you never slept with a friend?
Agent Caitlin Todd: [upset] What is wrong with you people?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] Good question, Kate.

Agent Caitlin Todd: [about Runion's dog] What are we going to do with this thing?
[off Gibbs's look]
Agent Caitlin Todd: No... no way, Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll take her! I always wanted a dog.
[the dog barks and growls at him]
Agent Caitlin Todd: [laughing] Oh, good dog! I think I'll call you Tony.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I know.

Agent Caitlin Todd: [after Tony sneaks up on her] Could you stop doing that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm practicing, Kate.
Agent Caitlin Todd: What? Annoying me?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. The creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us.
Agent Caitlin Todd: What do you mean "used to"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The old man's been using BenGay lately. I can smell him coming a mile away.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [from directly behind Tony] That a fact, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Knee feeling better, boss?
[Gibbs leans out from behind Tony]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Much.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Great.


"NCIS: The Meat Puzzle (#2.13)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [a particularly uncooperative mother of a suspect is blocking a doorway] I have the right to break down that door, and *anything* in my way.

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs? What did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [straight-faced] Illya Kuryakin.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on being assigned continued protection detail at Ducky's house] Boss, I just spent the last six hours playing furniture mover to this slightly demented old lady and her pack of yapping hounds!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're not hounds, DiNozzo! They're corgis.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, boss! *No, boss*! I'm on the verge, man! McGee?
[Gibbs and McGee drive away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss...? I'm going to go postal! I'm not kidding, I'm this close!
[He turns and sees Mrs. Mallard's corgis lined up on the porch, staring at him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [grins madly] Here's Tony!

Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Gibbs? What did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [straight-faced] Ilya Kuryakin.


"NCIS: Silver War (#3.4)" (2005)
[after Gibbs has allowed Ziva to stay on the team]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You will be coming along strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Officer Ziva David: [small laugh] Is that really necessary?
[Gibbs stares]
Officer Ziva David: Right.
[She unloads her pistol and hands it to Gibbs, who puts it in his drawer]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And your back-up.
Officer Ziva David: [innocently] What back-up?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Left leg.
Officer Ziva David: Oh... that one.
[She removes her ankle holster and hands it over]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
[Annoyed, Ziva removes the knife and hands it to Gibbs. He reverses it and and hands it back to her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You can keep this.
[leans in close to her ear as he passes her]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I just wanted you to know that I know.

Officer Ziva David: [putting her finger through a hole in the brim of her hat] Why does my hat have a 9mm hole in it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ventilation.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [of Ziva] She nearly killed my team driving home from a crime scene.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I should have warned you. She may have been an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She knows nothing about being a criminal investigator.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I knew nothing when I first started at NCIS.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, you were always a fast learner Jen.
[flashback to when they were in London]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And you... keep observing.
Officer Ziva David: What exactly, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Anything, just do it quietly.
Officer Ziva David: Now I know why he took away all my weapons.


"NCIS: Freedom (#8.13)" (2011)
Georgia Wooten: I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe I get to raise my son alone.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: "Get to?"
Georgia Wooten: Hmm?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You "get to?"
Georgia Wooten: My mind's a little scrambled right now.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You look pretty steady to me.
Georgia Wooten: I'm a United States Marine, Agent Gibbs. Steady is how I'm built. Steady is what my son needs right now. Steady... is all I've got. You're a Marine. You should understand that.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Target was the wife, Duck... I wouldn't blame her if she did it.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Nobody would. But that doesn't make any less of a crime.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I gotta get her to open up.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I agree. But I'm not sure you're the one for the job. Agent David has been through things that you and I cannot even imagine, and she knows what it's like to be controlled.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm not sure I want to open up those wounds.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes, but she may be the only one who can connect with her.

Georgia Wooten: So... he started looking for new ways to hurt me. You know, to control me. He was looking for my breaking point that night... He found it. He found - the one thing... that could make me... break.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Your child.
Georgia Wooten: He - he threatened to take Jacob. Tell the courts I was an unfit mother. That I'd been written up for fighting on the job. That I was on duty more than I was at home. He said that by the time I was done, I would never see Jacob again. You can hurt me all you want, but you don't *touch* my child. I'd die for him.


"NCIS: Deception (#3.13)" (2006)
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, sir.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby Sciuto: Yes, ma'am.

Navy Capt. Paul Martino: Are you suggesting she's somehow involved in all this? She's one of my *finest* officers!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's next on your checklist? Or do you want me to guess?
Navy Capt. Paul Martino: We head back to the processing plant, and reschedule our delivery. You think they'll try to hit us on the way back?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I think we ought to find your missing officer before we move that train again!

Special Agent Timothy McGee: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby Sciuto: Okay that's it! You need a break!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby Sciuto: We don't! But *you* do!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy!

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now, Boss?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with *my* driving?


"NCIS: Dead Reflection (#8.21)" (2011)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: At least four days.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That can't be. We've got video of him killing Lieutenant Ross at the Pentagon two days ago.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, this man couldn't have been there.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know I look up to you, Boss. I've learned a lot from you over the last - 10 years. You've been a great teacher.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got a point, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've always thought that the head slaps were a sign of affection. Today in the Squad Room, I was expecting one and I didn't - I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Rule #12.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: NCIS doesn't have any - policy against it. You know, there are married agents. And technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My team - my rules.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sleeping with Barret's a bad idea.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No offense. My personal life is my business.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's gonna affect your work.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, it won't.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It already has.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know what you're thinking. That I've lost focus. That I've taken my eye off the ball.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I depend on you.


"NCIS: Boxed In (#3.12)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You ever had a conversation in the head, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: One time I did. The person I was talking to was so distracted my shoes, they kinda got...
[Gibbs slaps the back of his head]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after rescuing Tony and Ziva] You two okay?
Officer Ziva David: No.
[She kicks the enemy agent in the groin, then limps away]
Officer Ziva David: Now if you gentlemen will excuse me...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are you going?
Officer Ziva David: I've been locked in a box all day! The ladies' room!


"NCIS: Family Secret (#3.16)" (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abbs.
Abby Sciuto: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking for additional information on the search for a suspect's car] And?
Anthony DiNozzo: And we - we can't find it. Uh, but we're not going to give up until we do.
Timothy McGee: [adds] Or die trying.
[Ziva looks at McGee like, "Say What?"; Tony looks at McGee like, "You Didn't"; Gibbs walks away]
Anthony DiNozzo: "Or die trying!"? You had to put *that* in his head?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Special Agent Ziva David: I didn't cave in! I was trying...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee next.
Timothy McGee: Yeah but, Boss, it wasn't what it...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And my loyal Saint Bernard held out till last.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probably all of thirty seconds. So - what is my team? In fact, can I call you my team?


"NCIS: Family (#5.2)" (2007)
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [after an autopsy] I apologize for not seeing it sooner.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yes. Well, you... may want to make an exception in this case.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! She followed me in there!
Officer Ziva David: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Abby Sciuto: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from beta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Panda?
Abby Sciuto: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a. Chlorine bleach.
Abby Sciuto: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh huh.


"NCIS: Dead Man Walking (#4.16)" (2007)
Lt. Roy Sanders: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whose?
Lt. Roy Sanders: [pulls out some of his own hair] Mine.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sanders know he's still being poisoned?
Officer Ziva David: Not yet. I'm worried it will increase his stress.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Your call. Stick with him, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: Like tattoos on Abby.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can't die unless you see a lawyer.
[walks away]
Officer Ziva David: Hey!
[Gibbs turns around]
Officer Ziva David: He might not die. May pull through.


"NCIS: Blowback (#4.14)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Some people need someone to hate.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Not me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then you should've let Ziva take the shot.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hell, DiNozzo, you were following orders. I'd have done the same thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You would've lied to Mike Franks?

[after Harrow suffers a fatal heart attack while running from Ziva and McGee]
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way!Right, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right Director, they could've...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shot him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right. They could've shot him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Of course, in a high-octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Officer Ziva David: Three rounds.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Added three more.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See? There you go. Six rounds, same result: one dead Mr. Harrow.


"NCIS: Bikini Wax (#2.18)" (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [discussing the crime scene] It's a public restroom, Boss. It's really disgusting.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It could be worse.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How could it be worse?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could be a men's room.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing their victim in a bathroom stall] That is one hell of a swirly.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: A "swirly"?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You take a kid by the ankles, dunk him in the toilet, then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, probie?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't think so. Noogies, sure. Wedgies, an occasional melvin. But, uh, no.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing. And the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Two days, three tops.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You've got four.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [surprised] Really?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hours.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [deadpan] Sounds about right.


"NCIS: Designated Target (#5.8)" (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after noticing lipstick on McGee's collar] Good for you, Tim. Good for you. Just don't ever get married.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as McGee is explaining what he's doing on the computer] Less narration, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tracing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva, as McGee's fingers continue to fly on the computer keyboard] Look at that. It's incredible. Probie's lips are still moving - while he's working! It's like one of those Romanian orphans who can't stop rocking.
Officer Ziva David: You are so prejudiced.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not. I'm not! By the way, that's a contraction. *I'm.* You should try it sometime.

Abby Sciuto: My meter is running full blast, Gibbs
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Relax Abs, I think you just solved the case.
Abby Sciuto: I did?
[as she turns to Ziva]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs walks into squad room] Meters?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: -a form of measurement used extensively in Europe.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Taxi meters, DiNozzo


"NCIS: Road Kill (#6.10)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's helping McGee make a face] Would you two like some time alone?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no boss. We were just...
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Acting like children.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Describing suspect on the phone] He's 23, 6 foot 3 inches, 210 pounds, light brown hair, blue eyes and a barb wire tattoo on his left bicep. He was last seen...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Standing right behind you, DiNozzo.

NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Hey Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [slight pause] You ever lost a fight?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not sure I even ever won one.
Abby Sciuto: [aside to McGee] Definitely a Gibbs clone.


"NCIS: Witness (#2.14)" (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [McGee is standing over a perp, about to shoot him] McGee! If you're gonna shoot him, you should have done it *while* he was runnin'.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibss turns and walks away] Any more food fights in here, and I'm joining in... with *peas*.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Frozen peas?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNizzo!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to a petty officer he's hitting on] I gotta go. Check you later.
Petty Officer Meg Walker: You know where to find me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get her number?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I wasn't hitting on her. And neither was Petty Officer Dillon. She was interested in him, but, uh, he has a girlfriend.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You get her name?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meg. It fits a hot chick like that.
[Gibbs slaps Tony's head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You meant Dillon's girlfriend.


"NCIS: Lost & Found (#5.9)" (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing McGee dressed in his scout troop uniform] Seriously, probie, I don't make enough fun of you?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Knock it off, DiNozzo.

Carson Taylor: You get mad easily?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Depends on who you ask.

[the squad prepares to head out, McGee is still in his scout troop uniform]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee... lose the uni.


"NCIS: Capitol Offense (#6.3)" (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust... loyalty. They're important.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Guess after today you know all about that... How are we going to do in that department?

NCIS Director Leon Vance: [after receiving voicemail on the case] If there's anything you'd like to tell me *now* would be a good time.
[Gibbs heads for the door]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Where the hell are you going?
[Gibbs opens the door Senator Kiley enters]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director Vance meet Senator Kiley.

[Tony learns Abby let Ziva stay at her apartment]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You two spent the night together? What's going on here, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't know, don't care. None of my business, DiNosey.
Ziva David: [pulling Tony aside] You are such a control geek.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Freak.
Ziva David: Yes. That, too. Why do you always need to know everything that everybody does, Tony?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] What he needs to know is that a lieutenant commander's body was found in Rock Creek Park.


"NCIS: Head Case (#3.15)" (2006)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as Director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [chuckles] Yeah, it would. But that's what you have me for.

Abby Sciuto: We found traces of blood on three of the knives we got from Martin Boussard's room.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: And all three came back the same type.
Officer Ziva David: Captain Wayne's?
Abby Sciuto: Nope.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard, Abby Sciuto: Chicken.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, it's not an uncommon substance to find at a voodoo ritual.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah or at a KFC.

Abby Sciuto: I found calcium which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Which means?
Abby Sciuto: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?


"NCIS: Vanished (#2.3)" (2004)
[last lines]
Agent Caitlin Todd: [Tony sent Kate flowers to apologize for "a tough couple of days"] Tony, I'm blown away. They're gorgeous. And they're from Martha's Garden, my favorite florist! How'd you know?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Lucky guess!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] He went through your purse and got the phone number off your P.D.A.
[Tony chuckles, Kate is furious again, Gibbs laughs]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS! Lower your weapon, Captain Newell! It's over.
Captain Rod Newell: It's not over until Ritt Everett's dead.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He's in the custody of the state police.
Captain Rod Newell: That's not going to change anything. It's an eye for an eye here. Always has been.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why your mother took you away? Put down your weapon.
Captain Rod Newell: Why? I'm never gonna fly again.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, your career is probably over, but you haven't hurt anybody yet. Keep it that way, and I'll do everything I can to help you. There is a young girl carrying your brother's baby. And they could sure use your help.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I know why we haven't been able to find Captain Newell. Thanks, guys.
Agent Caitlin Todd: How do you know?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Because I'm a Marine.


"NCIS: Knockout (#6.18)" (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi Boss. I lost my - you were going to say "mind" or "marbles" but, uh, I lost my...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Job.

NCIS Director Leon Vance: I understand you might feel your toes being stepped on, Agent Gibbs. Me handing out assignments to your team.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not taking it personally.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Are you suggesting I am?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: [to McGee who's standing next to him] May I have the room please.
[McGee leaves, Leon sits down then to the people in MTAC]
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Both rooms.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks DiNozzo] Snap out of it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I have no response to that.


"NCIS: Cover Story (#4.20)" (2007)
[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
[gasps]
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.

[seeing Gibbs and Tony approach him, Todd takes off in a bizarre manner]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you call that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Running. I think.


"NCIS: The Voyeur's Web (#3.6)" (2005)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: The boys down at tech call her "Energizer Abby". She needs an assistant.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: She works her best alone. Something you should ask her about.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [striding into Abby's lab] Whaddaya have, Abbs?
Abby Sciuto: Um, a PhD in porn? I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find a lead and I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his entire lifetime.
[pause]
Abby Sciuto: K, maybe not, but I have watched a LOT of smut.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya learn anything?
Abby Sciuto: I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Anything about the case?
[patented Gibbs stare]
Abby Sciuto: Right. I was getting to that.


"NCIS: Collateral Damage (#6.7)" (2008)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I prefer to choose my own team.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Just like you chose Special Agent Langer? That didn't work out very well, did it?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You want to hear me say I made a mistake about Langer?

NCIS Director Leon Vance: Our agents should look more like McGee than they do DiNozzo.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: More like you than like me.


"NCIS: Squall (#10.19)" (2013)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why lie? Why avoid the truth? Why avoid your son?
Admiral John McGee: Alright.
[sits down]
Admiral John McGee: Because I'm sick. No one could know. Stage 4. I wasn't feeling well when we showed up for the exercises. I knew Haber was top notch, so I transferred to the Borealis. Haber gave me something for the pain... but he knew what was causing it.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He was going to report it to NavCent.
Admiral John McGee: Doctor/Patient privilege is a little different when it comes to National Security. So that meant the end of my career.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's motive to keep the Commander quiet.
Admiral John McGee: Gibbs... I've been a lot of things. Been a lousy father, I've been a son of a bitch. But I'm no murderer.
Timothy McGee: [stares into the interrogation room and begins to cry]

Ziva David: [after shutting off the news on the plasma] Where's McGee?
Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he blew away coming to work this morning.
Ziva David: Or maybe he met someone last night.
Anthony DiNozzo: That's doubtful. That might be the reason *I* would be late.
Ziva David: These days, my friend, I'm not so sure.
Anthony DiNozzo: You've noticed.
Ziva David: Yes, I am quite aware you hit um 'dry spell' recently.
Anthony DiNozzo: Like Lawrence of Arabia.
Ziva David: [chuckles]
Anthony DiNozzo: You know, maybe it's not a woman. Maybe it's a flat tire. Maybe he stopped for donuts. Perhaps he slipped in the shower and he can't get up.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Bought one of those for my dad. Let's go! USS Borealis scheduled arrival in one hour. Have a murdered officer on board. Where's McGee?
Anthony DiNozzo: Overslept.
Ziva David: Doctor visit.
[Ziva and Tony look at each other]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah ha.
[Ziva smacks Tony's arm]


"NCIS: Suspicion (#4.12)" (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Deputy, please remove your trousers.
Deputy Tyler Barrett: [scoffs] You know what? Screw you, McGee!
Sheriff Tom Barrett: Tyler...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: If you prefer, I can have Officer David remove them for you.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Give me some good news, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I'm not pregnant.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Too much information.


"NCIS: Cracked (#8.6)" (2010)
Lorrain Thorson: Do you have children?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [Long pause] Did.
Lorrain Thorson: Please tell me the pain goes away.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: STOP!
Abby Sciuto: ...You just raised your voice to me. You never raise your voice to me.
[Gibbs shows Abby a video of Clea]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: It's her delusion, Abs.
Abby Sciuto: I was wrong... about you. You don't understand. None of you understand!


"NCIS: Once a Hero (#4.8)" (2006)
[a banquet hall has become a crime scene]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stop eating the evidence.

NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Our gate crasher was a Marine. Sergeant Brian Wright. The hotel was in lockdown, and he wasn't a registered guest. He took a dive from up there somewhere. SECDEF staff are worried that it was an attempt on the life of their boss.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are we worried?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: If it was an assassination attempt, he's a lousy assassin. He used his body as a weapon and missed by seventy-five feet.


"NCIS: Friends & Lovers (#4.15)" (2007)
[McGee is admitted to a very exclusive nightclub by using his pen name]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I gotta write a book.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should read one first.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee, Ziva, Abby, and Lee have pulled up to the bar] McGeek?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No! A very famous novelist, Thom E Gemcity.
Metro Police Detective John Carson: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't ask, John. I'd vomit explaining.


"NCIS: Split Decision (#1.21)" (2004)
DiNozzo: [Tony gets off elevator, spots McGee at computer] McGee, are you nuts?
Timothy McGee: What?
DiNozzo: You're at Gibbs's desk, touching his computer! That's like touching... the Ark of the Covenant!
Timothy McGee: Gibbs knows I'm doing this.
DiNozzo: He said you could use his computer?
Timothy McGee: Uh huh.
DiNozzo: Really! You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering from offscreen] 'Cause your fingers were always greasy from fried chicken and pizza. How's it going?
Timothy McGee: Bringing it online now, boss.
DiNozzo: What?
Timothy McGee: Yearbook photos from every British university taken between '87 and '97.
DiNozzo: Who said our terrorist was British?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky. Thought his syntax suggested higher education in the British Isles.
DiNozzo: Well, maybe he grew up watching tons of Cary Grant movies.
[Gibbs slaps Tony's head]

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [in a three way stand off with DiNozzo and Stone] All right, drop it.
A.T.F. Special Agent Malina Stone: You drop it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're out numbered.
A.T.F. Special Agent Malina Stone: I could still kill him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go ahead.


"NCIS: Playing with Fire (#9.22)" (2012)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not enough, enjoy Cuba.

Andre Fullerton: Shouldn't someone be reading me my rights?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You have no rights! You're a terrorist on a U.S. Navy vessel, and we're invoking the PATRIOT Act.


"NCIS: Bait (#3.18)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't trust anything controlled by a video game's man.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Everybody's okay... Boss.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well that's good to hear, Special Agent Gibbs.
Kody Meyers: Your agent says he's a negotiator.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, that's right. He's my best man.
Kody Meyers: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He always had an attitude problem.


"JAG: Meltdown (#8.21)" (2003)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS.
Major Jack McBurney: Major McBurney.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I know.
Major Jack McBurney: [indicating a shooting target] Want me to set one up for you?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I'm here to discuss the Rabb case. How long you figure this trial's going to last?
Major Jack McBurney: Why, you got someplace to go?
[Gibbs grins]
Major Jack McBurney: Where?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Need to know, Major. You don't.
[PA system calls for cease fire]
Major Jack McBurney: How long this goes depends on how well we do on the stand. I assume your people are prepped.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: How 'bout you, counselor?
Major Jack McBurney: Looks like a slam dunk. You disagree?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Rabb's a smart lawyer. If he's the killer, he made some dumb-ass mistakes. Only nailed him because he was protecting his brother.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You're going back to the FBI.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: What?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To get whatever they have on bin Atwa.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Right.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Also want transcripts of all previous Al-Jihad interrogations mentioning his name or Mohommed's.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: That'll take weeks!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You got two days. If you can't get it done by then, don't bother coming back.


"NCIS: Driven (#4.11)" (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ducky won't be here. He's gotta take his mom to the hospital.
Jimmy Palmer: Is Victoria all right?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well she cut herself shaving, and for some reason he thinks you can handle this?

Abby Sciuto: [after Gibbs saves her life] Permission to hug?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You never have to ask.


"NCIS: Untouchable (#3.20)" (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing McGee asleep in Abby's lab] Do you have any super glue, Abs?
[Gibbs enters and slaps Tony's head]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What did I tell you about that, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The skin might not grow back.


"NCIS: Skeletons (#4.17)" (2007)
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: The last thing I recall you saying as you were slinking out...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't slink.


"NCIS: Shell Shock: Part I (#10.6)" (2012)
[last lines]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Looks like our wannabe John Walker Lindh was planning something, something big.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not was... *is*. Find him.


"NCIS: Shiva (#10.12)" (2013)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Made killing himself easier.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Pity does not validate cowardice.


"NCIS: Gut Check (#11.9)" (2013)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never say you're sorry. It is a sign of weakness.


"NCIS: Pop Life (#2.16)" (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you looking at me like that for?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Oh, I'm just waiting for you to say "Boss, let me take the lead on this one!"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I was going to say, Kate, was that if Hitch used a girl to seduce Willie Taylor, it was probably one of his dancers. We get Willie to identify Ms. Go-Go and flip her to get to Hitch.
[Tony pulls out his PDA]
Agent Caitlin Todd: What are you doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, just chronicling this little conversation for our next session with Ducky.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Are you done?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Almost.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Done or fired are the choices.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done.


"NCIS: Under the Radar (#11.3)" (2013)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's a hashtag?


"NCIS: Doppelgänger (#2.12)" (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are we going, boss?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert's shipmates.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But he's not on a ship, boss.
[staring look from Gibbs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh. Sir, you... you were using a military euphemism.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya think?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, uh, you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You speak their language.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean I'm going to interview them?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on.


"NCIS: Bury Your Dead (#5.1)" (2007)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [after La Grenouille leaves Jenny's house] If the weapon was loaded and I wasn't here, would you have pulled the trigger?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I guess we'll never know.


"NCIS: Bête Noire (#1.16)" (2004)
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He knows we're on to him.


"NCIS: Damned If You Do (#10.24)" (2013)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All I ever wanted to do was be a good Marine.


"NCIS: Oil and Water (#11.6)" (2013)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Whatta ya got?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Taps bucket] Crabs.
Special Agent Abigail Borin: [Emerging from cargo hold] We have a problem...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Worse than DiNozzo's crabs?


"NCIS: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (#11.1)" (2013)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Parsons enters the squad room] Yeah, yeah. He's okay - working with us now.
Richard Parsons: It's nice to see that you guys are alive and well. Look, I'm sorry about the...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: I want my badge back!
Richard Parsons: Yeah, I can understand that. Not a problem now that the case is - dismissed. I'll talk to Director Vance about that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, Dick.


"NCIS: Mind Games (#3.3)" (2005)
Kyle Boone: Hey, you think she screamed when he cut her tongue out, Gibbs?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself?
[Paula Cassidy appears in the corridor. Boone's eyes widen]
NCIS Special Agent Paula Cassidy: I'm afraid your lawyer's going to miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kind of dead.
[Boone is speechless]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Enjoy Hell.
[Boone is dragged away by the guards, screaming]


"NCIS: Seek (#10.18)" (2013)
[last lines]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: That's not a dog. That's a marine.


"NCIS: Agent Afloat (#6.2)" (2008)
Navy Captain Richard Owens: Are you telling me this guy may be launching a biological attack on *my* carrier?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That's what we're here to find out.