Ford Fairlane
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Quotes for
Ford Fairlane (Character)
from The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

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The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
Ford Fairlane: I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.

Ford Fairlane: I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford Fairlane: Have a twinkie, snapperhead.

Lt. Amos: Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?
Ford Fairlane: No, I'm calling you an anus, anus.

Ford Fairlane: Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck. Now get the fuck out of here.

[Looking at a corpse's breasts]
Ford Fairlane: Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards.

[to his erection]
Ford Fairlane: Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone.

Lt. Amos: Two words. "Disco Express."
Ford Fairlane: Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...
Lt. Amos: Like ME, right?
Ford Fairlane: Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like shit, but... he looked like you.

Ford Fairlane: Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats fuck with more harmony.

Ford Fairlane: I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.

Ford Fairlane: [to women running from his bed] Do my dishes.

Ford Fairlane: What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?

Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?

Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.

Ford Fairlane: So many assholes... So few bullets...

Ford Fairlane: Clint Eastwood... I fucked 'im.

Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...
Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...

Colleen Sutton: Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?
Ford Fairlane: I don't know, I never met your father.

Ford Fairlane: Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw...

Ford Fairlane: Yo. Snapperhead.

Jazz: Well, that weekend was a mistake.
Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?

Ford Fairlane: How much?
Ticket Guy: 300.
Ford Fairlane: 300? You charged the chicks one.
Ticket Guy: Hey, they blew me.
Ford Fairlane: Heh. 300 coming up.

Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.
Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.
Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.
Ford Fairlane: Spam.

Ford Fairlane: Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Ford Fairlane: Un-fucking-believable.

[At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women]
Ford Fairlane: hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.

Amiable Tourist: Excuse me! Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?
Ford Fairlane: Go back to Michigan, asswipe.
Amiable Tourist: Oh, we're from Wisconsin.
Ford Fairlane: Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get out of here.

Ford Fairlane: Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)

Ford Fairlane: [to Smiley] 'ello, 'ello... fuckface!

Ford Fairlane: I almost shit a Miata.

Ford Fairelaine: What the fuck is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head.

Ford Fairlane: What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

Ford Fairlane: I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish.

Ford Fairlane: What... you didn't really think we'd kill the fuckin' koala bear, now did ya?

Ford Fairelaine: [Ford is looking at a Colleen Sutton and Johnny Crunch pornographic video] I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no shit, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's fucking barking.

Ford Fairlane: 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.

[being frisked by security guard]
Ford Fairlane: Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too MUCH.
[kicks him in the face]

Ford Fairlane: I'll be at Julie Grendel's. I want to see if he knows what a hoo-er thief his ex piece-of-shit wife is.

[after knocking a villain off a building onto a piano]
Ford Fairlane: Say hello to Liberace, asshole!

[Zuzu is hanging from a building]
Ford Fairlane: It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it.

Ford Fairlane: You guys a band?
Punk Gunslinger: Yeah, sure.
Ford Fairlane: You got a name?
Punk Gunslinger: Yeah... pain.
Ford Fairlane: Kooky.

Ford Fairlane: [Said to ZuZu Petals, as she blocks his way down the Capitol Records building] "Move, stupid!"