Eugene Morris Jerome
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Quotes for
Eugene Morris Jerome (Character)
from Biloxi Blues (1988)

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Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986)
Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?
Eugene: A hundred and nine.

Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?
Eugene: "Don't go in the kitchen, Pa"?

Stanley: I got fired today!
Eugene: Fired? You mean for good?
Stanley: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a permanent lifetime firing.

Stanley: Jesus, how horny can you get?
Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score?

Kate: I need bread.
Eugene: What?
Kate: I don't have enough bread. Run over to Greenblatt's and get me a fresh rye bread.
Eugene: Again? I just came back from Grennblatt's.
Kate: So You'll go again.
Eugene: I'm always going to the store. When I grow up, that's all I'll be trained to do, go to the store.
Kate: You don't want to go?... Never mind, I'll go.
Eugene: Don't do that! Don't make me feel guilty. I'll go.
Kate: And get a quarter of a pound of butter.
Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?
Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?
Eugene: [to the audience] If my mom taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.

[Eugene is explaining his intense desire to play for the Yankees]
Eugene: I'll never make it with the Yankees. All the great Yankees are Italian. My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup - what chance do I have?

Eugene: It was a tense moment for everybody. I love tense moments. Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.

Eugene: She saw me on the crapper! Nora saw me on the crapper! I might as well be dead!

[Eugene has just seen his first picture of a nude woman]
Eugene: I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas. Puberty is over! Onward and upward!

Kate: Did you hear what I said?
Eugene: Yes, I heard!
[under his breath]
Eugene: If I cut my ears off I'd still be able to hear her through my nose.

Eugene: Liver and cabbage - the Jewish mediaeval torture! My friend Marty Gregori, an A student in Science, told me that cooked cabbage can be smelled farther than sound travelling for seven minutes.

Eugene: [the saga of the liver and cabbage continues] The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife... which is more than I can say for the liver.

Eugene: I wanted to cut my wrists but the liver had worn down the knives.

Eugene: [after spitting out the liver] I think I have a bone in my throat.
Kate: There are no bones in liver!

Eugene: What if they took a shower together - Aunt Blanche and Nora? If I could walk in and see that I'd thank God and become a rabbi.

[Eugene is spying on a neighbor woman undressing when his cousin Laurie knocks on the door]
Laurie: Eugene, your father wants you to go to the store to get ice cream.
Eugene: Tell him I'm busy... ice cream? Wait a minute, I'll be right there.

Eugene: Stanley, how do girls... do it?
Stanley: Eugene, I'm dealing with a major problem in my life right now. I don't have time to describe girls masturbating for you!
Eugene: Just draw me a picture, I brought a pencil. You want crayons? Maybe you should do it in color.

Jack: [after not getting the family's radio to work] Who's been touching the radio?
[shoots a glare at an innocent Eugene]
Jack: Eugene! It's about Poland, damn it! I don't want anyone touching this radio when I'm not home. Is that clear?
Eugene: Guess who's gonna get blamed for the war in Europe!

Eugene: You never told me? What was she like? Was she pretty? How old was she?
Stanley: Don't start in with me Eugene. Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like? Do me a favor; go in the bathroom, whack off and grow up by yourself!

[Eugene is watching his neighbor undress through a mini telescope]
Stanley: What are you doing?
Eugene: Astronomy. I have to bring in a report tomorrow.
Stanley: Let me know when she gets to the Milky Way.

[while watching his neighbor undress, Eugene notices a boy from the building across holding binoculars]
Eugene: That dirty little pig! He's watching Nora getting undressed... I wonder if he'd let me come over.

Eugene: I think I'm in love with her.
Stanley: Well forget it, she's your cousin!
Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your cousin?
Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature! You can't marry your first cousin, you'll get babies with nine heads!

Eugene: Don't hate me for what I'm going to say.
Stanley: What is it?
Eugene: I think Aunt Blanche has a great ass.
Stanley: They're gonna lock you up in a sex asylum. If I was your sister I wouldn't sleep on the same block as you!

Biloxi Blues (1988)
Eugene Morris Jerome: Carney, you're first. You're gonna be dead. Killed in action. What do you want to do with the last few days of your life?
Carney: I'd sing at Radio City Music Hall. Five shows a day, my own spot. In the audience are five thousand screaming, gorgeous girls and every one of them wants me. And there's one man, the president of Decca Records, and he wants to give me a big contract, and I have to make a choice.
Selridge: [whispering] Take the record contract. I would take the record contract.
Carney: Right. Right, I'd take the record contract.
Selridge: Ha! Moron! He coulda humped five thousand girls and now he's got a record contract that ain't worth shit!
Carney: Wrong. 'Cause now I'm a big star and everyone knows that stars get all the girls they want.
Selridge: Oh, yeah? How? You're dead! Girls don't go out with dead record stars!

Toomey: Epstein, Arnold B.
Arnold Epstein: Ho, ho!
Toomey: Are there two Arnold Epsteins in this company?
Arnold Epstein: No, sergeant.
Toomey: But I heard more than one Ho.
Arnold Epstein: Yes, sergeant.
Toomey: Epstein, Arnold B.
Arnold Epstein: Ho!
Toomey: One more time.
Arnold Epstein: Ho!
Toomey: Do I make myself clear, Epstein?
Arnold Epstein: Ho!
Toomey: Do I make myself clear, Jerome?
Jerome: Ho, yes!
Toomey: Ho what?
Jerome: Ho nothing!
Toomey: Are you having trouble understanding me, Jerome?
Jerome: Ho no. I mean, no ho, sergent. Just plain ho.

Eugene Morris Jerome: Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot.

Arnold Epstein: Why do you think I'm a homosexual?
Eugene Morris Jerome: I guess it's because you never talk about girls.
Arnold Epstein: I never talk about dogs either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel?

Sergeant Toomey: Tell me, Jerome, if a piss drunk sergeant has a loaded .45 pointed at the head of a piece of dung that the piss drunk sergeant hates and despises, how would you describe the situation?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Delicate. Extremely delicate.
Sergeant Toomey: Right. I'll be honest with you, Jerome. It was my intention of getting Epstein in here, and putting this pistol to his ear, and blowing a tunnel through his head. But you'll do just as well.
Eugene Morris Jerome: I'm sorry to hear that.
Sergeant Toomey: There's something about you New York boys that riles my ass. You don't appreciate the Army, do you?
Eugene Morris Jerome: There are some things I like.
Sergeant Toomey: Such as?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Mail. I like getting my mail.
Sergeant Toomey: You shittin' me, Jerome?
Eugene Morris Jerome: A piece of dung would never shit a piss drunk sergeant with a loaded .45.

Sergeant Toomey: What would you do if the entire Japanese Army were behind you?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Surrender and get some sleep.

[the boys are waiting their turn to see a prostitute]
Eugene Morris Jerome: Hey, what if she's ugly. I mean, really ugly.
Selridge: Then you close your eyes and you think of some cheerleader.
Eugene Morris Jerome: I don't want to close my eyes, that's the same as doing it to yourself.
Selridge: Not if you're feeling someone underneath you, or on top of you.
Eugene Morris Jerome: On top of me? Who would be on top of me?
Selridge: She would. She could be anywhere. Under a table, on a chair, or an ironing board.
Eugene Morris Jerome: On an ironing board? What kind of girl is this? I thought we were going to a regular place.
Selridge: Don't you know anything?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Maybe not in actual experience, but I have all the information I need.
Selridge: You don't know shit, Jerome. Do you know how many positions there are?
Eugene Morris Jerome: American or worldwide?
Carney: (laughs) This guy is a riot.
Selridge: For five bucks, how many positions are there?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Let me think.
Selridge: Do you want me to tell you?
Eugene Morris Jerome: No.
Selridge: I'm gonna tell you. There are seventeen acceptable positions.
Eugene Morris Jerome: Acceptable? What is there, an Olympic committee that votes on positions.
Carney: I can't believe this guy is from New York.
Eugene Morris Jerome: Besides, you're wrong. There's fifty-two positions.
Selridge: Fifty-two? You're crazy. Where did you ever get that from?
Eugene Morris Jerome: I saw a dirty deck of cards once.
Selridge: This jerk is worse than Epstein.
Eugene Morris Jerome: You owe me five bucks.
Selridge: Hey, listen, twerp. You're lucky if you do one position.
Eugene Morris Jerome: I'm not doing anything if it's on an ironing board.
Carney: Why not? You'll get your shirt pressed for free.

Joseph Wykowski: I've got three enemies now, Jerome. The Japs, the Germans, and you!
Eugene Morris Jerome: I wasn't in on that Pearl Harbor thing.
[Epstein, who has a problem with flatulence, selects the bunk next to Selridge]
Arnold Epstein: Is this bunk taken?
Selridge: Oh, no! I don't mind dyin', but I don't wanna get my nose blown off...

Rowena: What's your name, honey?
Eugene Morris Jerome: It's Eug...
Rowena: Huge?
Eugene Morris Jerome: It's a HUGE name. It's Jack Bobby Lou Mulgreevey.
Rowena: Where you from, Bobby Lou?
Eugene Morris Jerome: [affecting a Southern accent] "Texarkana..."
Rowena: Is that Arkansas or Texas?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Arkansas, I think...
Rowena: You think?
Eugene Morris Jerome: Well, I was just born there. When I was two we moved to Georgia.
Rowena: You a cracker?
Eugene Morris Jerome: What's a cracka?
Rowena: Someone from Georgia.
Eugene Morris Jerome: Oh. Yeah, I'm a cracka...

[Rowena has divested herself of most of her clothing and is on the bed; beckons to Eugene]
Rowena: All right, now... come to mama.
Eugene Morris Jerome: [petrified] Please, don't say..."come to mama."

[Eugene is trying to make "small talk" with Rowena]
Eugene Morris Jerome: Are you from Biloxi?
Rowena: No, Gulfport. My husband, too.
Eugene Morris Jerome: Your husband? You're married? My God, he'll KILL me if he finds me here!
Rowena: No he won't.
Eugene Morris Jerome: Yes he will!
Rowena: He won't. He's in the service. He knew about me before we were married. He's my best customer...
Eugene Morris Jerome: Customer? You charge your own husband?
Rowena: I mean he's my best lover.

Eugene Morris Jerome: [narrating] We were headed for The Battle of the Pacific, and there wasn't one of us who wasn't really scared. But a week later they dropped The Bomb on Japan, and we never did see any action, outside of Rowena's place. We were glad our lives were spared, but the thought of those who went before us, especially those who didn't come back, haunts me to this day.

Eugene Morris Jerome: [mocking Sgt. Toomey in the mess hall] You have a good meal now, you hear.
[to the guys at the table]
Eugene Morris Jerome: . I've got to make you men strong. Because tonight, we're going to march the platoon off a 3,000 foot cliff. Dying makes a man out of you. I died in the war, they cremated me. And they buried the ashes, right here in my skull.

Eugene Morris Jerome: Oh well, Biloxi was beautiful.

Joseph Wykowski: [at chow] I suppose you think you're funny, Jerome?
Jerome: No, I think you're funny, Wykowski; you forgot to eat your aluminum tray!

Eugene Morris Jerome: Why is it that we come from the same place but I can't understand you?
Arnold Epstein: You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight.
Eugene Morris Jerome: What fight?
Arnold Epstein: Any fight. One you believe in. Until you do you'll never be a writer Eugene.