Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko
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Quotes for
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko (Character)
from "The Phil Silvers Show" (1955)

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Sgt. Bilko (1996)
Assistant Casino Manager: You seem to be having quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you?
Bilko: Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient, we'll be together soon.

Wally: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?
Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?
Wally: He wet his bed!
Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...
Wally: No, he did it from across the room.

Bilko: If they come, deny everything! Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.

Bilko: Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day.

Bilko: You manipulated me! How could you?
Rita Robbins: Why not? I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko.

Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.

Rita Robbins: Ernie, are we going to dance tonight?
Bilko: Well, thats up to you. I remember the last time we danced I accidently stepped on your knee.

Bilko: [collapsing onto his bed after Major Thorn has put them through the assault course] I'm paralyzed. I have no feeling from the hair down. Make the bad man stop.

Bilko: All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Colonel Hall: What is that?
Bilko: [nonchalantly] That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles"...
Colonel Hall: What's it doing there?
Bilko: It keeps the flies off the food, sir. There's no way you can tell what wrong with an engine when it's just sitting on the block...
Colonel Hall: Off the food?
Bilko: It's an experimental program, I'd say the results are mixed.
[Hall then notices the live horse from the tug-of-war that's been hoisted up above them]
Sgt. Barbella: It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir.
Sgt. Henshaw: And fresher too.

Wally: Permission to speak freely, Sarge.
Bilko: Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want.

[Bilko is playing golf on the army base]
Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.
Wally: I don't gamble.
Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?
Wally: Permission to speak freely...
Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!
Wally: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?

Bilko: [sung while jogging with his troops] I can barely move my legs! / Do me a favor and kill me now! / Something, something rhymes with "legs"! / My life is over anyhow!

Bilko: Rita, you can't marry Thorn, you're not in love with him. Think of the children, I mean, you're Catholic and he's an... asshole. How would you raise them?

Barbella: Sarge, you're crying.
Bilko: [as he admires Las Vegas] It's just so beautiful!

[Morning. 'Reveille' plays over the loudspeakers]
Wally: Hey, Sarge! Get up! Hurry!
Bilko: [jumping out of bed with his sleeping mask still on] What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations! And...
[pauses as he hears the reveille tune]
Bilko: What's that music?

Bilko: Hello, soldiers.
[they look around]
Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.
Paparelli: [whispering] He's got a plan.
Fender: [whispering] He sure does.
Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.
Zimmerman: [whispering] He's not worried.
Morales: [whispering] Not a bit.
Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.
Zimmerman: [whispering] He's worried.
Morales: [whispering] It's not good.
Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N - plan!
[spells "PALN" on the chalkboard]
Bilko: But, ha ha ha.
[begins crying]
Paparelli: [whispering] He's got no plan.
Morales: [whispering] We're screwed.
Wally: I have a plan, Sarge.
Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,
[gets down on knees]
Bilko: is just a little puppy.
[crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]
Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.

Bilko: Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.

Bilko: [doing rifle drill with his men] All right, you've seen real soldiers before, just... do what they do!

Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Luis Clemente. This guy is smart, very smart, he has an IQ.

Bilko: [to Wally] Any one of these men would take a bullet for you.
Fender: Well, not in the chest!

Wally: You men are soldiers! Guardians of freedom! And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously!
Fender: You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
Bilko: Fender!
[as Fender tries to grab him, Wally uses martial arts skills to twist his arm and flip him over onto the floor]
Bilko: Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army.
Wally: They are.
Bilko: No kidding?

Colonel Hall: Very good. As you were.
[the men just stand there]
Bilko: He means go back to what you were doing.

[Bilko is playing golf in the middle of the base]
Wally: Sarge, they let you do this?
Bilko: I never asked. They'd probably say no, it is an army post.

Bilko: [repeated line he uses on superior officers] You look fantastic, have you lost weight?

Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about Tony is this: he doesn't takes showers because it fogs up the mirror. And finally, the manchild of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe, look out girls, he hates to dine alone, Private Duaaane Doberman!
Doberman: Aw, Sarge.
Bilko: Doberman doesn't take showers either but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason.

Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Hey, Paparelli, how are those tickets going for the Meet Stormin' Norman barbeque?
Paparelli: It's a sellout, Sarge.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Did you find a lookalike?
Paparelli: We found one.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Ahh. No wonder they call me a Master Sergeant.


"The Phil Silvers Show: Bilko's Tax Trouble (#2.12)" (1956)
MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko: Gentlemen, if we were celebrating just another holiday I would say so what. But need I remind you we are celebrating Don Ameche's birthday! Now let's get those tickets moving.

MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko: All the money I make on these dances I lose on the horses. I'm a None Profit Organisation!


"The Phil Silvers Show: The Court Martial (#1.25)" (1956)
[Harry, the chimp, is being defended by Bilko at his court martial trial]
Col. John T. Hall: Bilko, this time, I think you've gone too far!
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: Sir, I hate to give this trouble to the court...
Pvt. Harry Speakup: [abruptly leaves defense table and scampers to another table and picks up a telephone]
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: [ad-libbing] Just a minute, sir. I think he's calling for another lawyer.


"The Phil Silvers Show: Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage (#3.22)" (1958)
MSgt. Rupert Ritzik: [enters the barracks carrying flowers and candy] Hi'ya, boys.
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: Well, it's mess sergeant Ritzik. Flowers and candy for me? Oh, you shouldn't have.
MSgt. Rupert Ritzik: No, it's for Emma. Today's our anniversary.
MSgt. Francis Grover: No kiddin'?
MSgt. Rupert Ritzik: Yep - fifteenth anniversary.
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: How's it feel to be married fifteen years?
MSgt. Rupert Ritzik: Well, the truth of the matter is, I consider myself lucky.
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: Lucky?
MSgt. Rupert Ritzik: Yeah - lucky I'm not married twenty years.


"The Phil Silvers Show: Bilko's Casino (#4.32)" (1959)
[Col. Hall does not believe Bilko's reason why he and four of his men are in sickbay]
Col. John T. Hall: You mean, you all just happened to get indigestion together?
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: You see, sir, we believe it's Sgt. Ritzik's fault, sir. Last night he served us veal ragù, and I think he put too much rag and not enough goo in it, sir.


"The Phil Silvers Show: The Weekend Colonel (#4.36)" (1959)
[series last lines]
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: That's all, folks!


"The Phil Silvers Show: The Revolutionary War (#1.19)" (1956)
Master Sergeant Ernie Bilko: Now, men, when you play cards with me, you don't lose money - you learn a trade.


"The Phil Silvers Show: Bivouac (#1.11)" (1955)
MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko: What's your stance on socialized medicine, Captain?


"The Phil Silvers Show: The Blue Blood of the Bilko's (#2.16)" (1957)
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: Blood is thicker than red tape.


"The Phil Silvers Show: Bilko the Potato Sack King (#4.4)" (1958)
[Bilko is nervous because the military brass keep carrying his fabrics here and there]
MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko: I see you want to test the actual closet conditions.