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: Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the hover tank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond. Colonel Hall
: Good. Very good. Major Ebersole
: Yeah. Then it will engage the targets. The cannon, boom, the ammunition dump, kaboom, that truck, boom. Colonel Hall
: Excellent. Though, one thought. Maybe it should be boom, boom, *then* kaboom. You know, save that kaboom for the very last, kind of like a hoo-ah grand finale. What do you think, Major? Major Ebersole
: [stares at him
] I'll make a note of it, sir.
: What is that? Bilko
] That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles"... Colonel Hall
: What's it doing there? Bilko
: It keeps the flies off the food, sir. There's no way you can tell what wrong with an engine when it's just sitting on the block... Colonel Hall
: Off the food? Bilko
: It's an experimental program, I'd say the results are mixed.
[Hall then notices the live horse from the tug-of-war that's been hoisted up above them
] Sgt. Barbella
: It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir. Sgt. Henshaw
: And fresher too.
[Major Thorn is doing a surprise inspection of the barracks, so just before he arrived Bilko quickly moved his men out of their untidy living quarters to another platoon's next door and switched the signs around
] Major Thorn
: [holding up some ladies underwear he's found in the closet
] Are these yours? Sgt. Henshaw
: It is my understanding that you can longer ask me these questions, sir. Colonel Hall
: It's a new army, Major. We're all adjusting.
: Very good. As you were.
[the men just stand there
: He means go back to what you were doing.
: The Pentagon called, sir. Colonel Hall
: Pentagon? How did they get my number?
Col. John T. Hall
: [furious after uncovering Bilko's latest con
] All my life, I've dreamt of becoming General Hall. In two days, you've become General Motors!
[Harry, the chimp, is being defended by Bilko at his court martial trial
] Col. John T. Hall
: Bilko, this time, I think you've gone too far! MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko
: Sir, I hate to give this trouble to the court... Pvt. Harry Speakup
: [abruptly leaves defense table and scampers to another table and picks up a telephone
] MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko
] Just a minute, sir. I think he's calling for another lawyer.
[Col. Hall does not believe Bilko's reason why he and four of his men are in sickbay
] Col. John T. Hall
: You mean, you all just happened to get indigestion together? MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko
: You see, sir, we believe it's Sgt. Ritzik's fault, sir. Last night he served us veal ragù, and I think he put too much rag and not enough goo in it, sir.
: [trying to solve Fort Baxter's gambling problem
] Colonel, have you a woodworking shop on the post? Col. John T. Hall
: We had one. The men worked like beavers for one week. Captain Whitney
: Really? What did they build? Col. John T. Hall
: A crap table.