Jack McFarland
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Quotes for
Jack McFarland (Character)
from "Will & Grace" (1998)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Will & Grace: Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: Okay first of all, Will should only be so lucky okay, so let's just clear that right up. Second of all, you don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay?
[Will and the other laugh]
Jack McFarland: Are you finished? Okay FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!

Will Truman: [Knock at Door] Oh, no.
Jack McFarland: Hi, honey, I'm home. Oh, are we entertaining?
[to Rob and Ellen]
Jack McFarland: Welcome!
Will Truman: Jack, I meant to call you, but I...
Jack McFarland: Don't even - !
Grace Adler: Wait, wait. I can stay at Rob and Ellen's tonight.
Jack McFarland: No, you can't, Grace, because, apparently, you matter. How about that?

Rob: [to Will] You didn't tell me Jack was moving in with you.
Will Truman: Not moving in. He's just staying with me till his apartment's finished.
Jurgen Franzblau: [Humming] Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
Jack McFarland: Oh, I know that one! I know - Uh,
[singing]
Jack McFarland: Did he need a stronger hand...
Will Truman: Yeah. Jack. He's not humming your intro, ok? That's just a straight guy's way of thinking that you and I could ever be a couple.

Jack McFarland: Ah-ha ha ha. Look, Guapo, he made a funny. Shut up, Will! I just schlepped all the way over here from the East Side, and you know how much Guapo hates riding in taxis!
Will Truman: Ok. Ok. Take it easy, Jack. You sound just like your mother.
Jack McFarland: Crossing the line! Ok, you nasty, bitter, lonely, balding man. I don't need this crap from you, Will. You know what? I just don't need it...

Will Truman: What's in the hat box? Your tiara?
Jack McFarland: Look, Guapo, he made a funny! Shut up, Will!

Jack McFarland: You always tell me what you think about the men that I date.
Will Truman: I'm talking about marriage, not Rudy the Jewish cowboy you met on the internet.
Jack McFarland: Shalom, my lonesom prairie dog.

Jack McFarland: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me?
Grace Adler: My dog knew.

Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.
Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay?
Grace: My dog knew.


"Will & Grace: William, Tell (#1.6)" (1998)
Will Truman: Oh, you girls are going to have a ball, braiding each other's hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz.
Jack McFarland: Oh, you mean, like, "How to tell if your best friend's a bitch?" Yeah, I already took it. You are.

Will Truman: Ok, ok, we'll stop.
Jack McFarland: No, you won't, because you can't help yourself. You were born bitter, nasty, mean-spirited, and, of course, chunky. And Grace, you're not much better. You're a follower without an ounce of decency.

Jack: [about Will] Besides, the odds are against him. He's only been with like 5 people in the past 8 years, he's like a humpback whale. Without the hump.

Grace: So, what could it be that he didn't tell you and he didn't tell me? It must be something he didn't want us to know!
Jack: Good work Nancy Drew. Let's meet up at Old Mystery Creek!

[about Will]
Grace: Oh, my God, he's on drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me. Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
Jack: You know what else he wouldn't tell us. If he's sick. What if he needs a kidney. Oh, God, he needs a kidney. Not that I'd give him one, but I'd like to be asked.

[Jack is going to work for Grace until Karen returns]
Will: Oh, you girls are going to have a ball, braiding each other's hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz.
Jack: Oh, you mean, like, "How To Tell If Your Best Friend's a Bitch?" Yeah, I already took it. You are.

Grace Adler: [a delivery man arrives at her office] Oh, you want to be useful? Help the man standing behind you with the big package.
Jack McFarland: Grace, don't tease me.


"Will & Grace: A Chorus Lie (#4.15)" (2002)
Jack McFarland: [TO OWEN] Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live...
[AS ARETHA]
Jack McFarland: "Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Ok?"
Owen: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."

Grace: Hey, I know I said it before, but I hate men. Here's an update, now they hate me. Just now in the grocery store I was flirting with that cute produce guy...
Grace: gave him the hair...
[Grace flips her hair]
Grace: the eyes...
[Grace gives a sexy stare]
Grace: the teeth.
[Grace smiles, showing her teeth]
Grace: He asked me if I needed something to keep me from swallowing my tongue.
Will: So you got dissed by some guy in the produce department, big deal.
Grace: Did I not mention what happened in the meat, dairy, and cutomer service departments.
Jack: Hey, H.R. Desperate-Stuff, stop trying to pick up guys in the grocery store, huh.
Grace: Did I not mention what also happened in the hardware store, drug store, liquor store, and Big Apple Circus.

Jack: Holy Anne Heche Laffoon he's straight.

Jack McFarland: [Jack suspects Owen, his competition for a spot in the Manhattan Gay Men's Chorus, is really straight] Hug me.
Owen: What?
Jack McFarland: Well, I feel - I feel that we're close now. We shared.
[they hug]
Jack McFarland: Ooh, interesting. You gave me the straight-guy-double-pat-on-the-back-no-hip-contact hug.
Owen: Actually it was more the gay-guy-bend-at-the-waist-feel-your-delts-check-out-your-shoes hug.
Jack McFarland: Ah, yes, how could I have mistaken the two. Heh.

Owen: Whoops, my hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your ROCKIN' ASS. But who cares right? Cause I'm gay. So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful, throw you down on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right?
Grace: Yup, because you're gay, I should be on top.
[Start making out]
Grace: Ya know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy, and I've kissed a lot of gay guys.
[enter Jack with camera]
Jack: Got you, you sick straight bastard.
Grace: Jack get lost, I'm not done.

Owen: You don't have any proof.
Jack: I have photos.
Owen: There's no film in that camera.
Jack: Of course there is.
[He rips the film out of the camera]
Jack: See? Like I'd be stupid enough not to put film in my own camera.

[singing 'Wishin' & Hopin']
Jack: Wishin' and a-Hopin'...
Owen: Dreamin' and a-Prayin'...
Jack: Lyin' and a-Cheatin'.
Owen: Tubby and a-Tone Deaf.
Jack: - STOP IT.


"Will & Grace: Boo! Humbug (#1.5)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: Dilemma. Donald and I were going to the parade tonight. We had a whole biblical thing planned. We were gonna go as Adam and Steve. But he crapped out on me. Pthbbt!
Will Truman: [To Jack] It's gonna be hard to top last year. They went as secondhand smoke.

Karen Walker: Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband, and three beautiful stepchil... No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...
Jack McFarland: Mason?
Karen Walker: Honey, I was getting there!

Jack McFarland: [To Karen] You've got the sass, the class, the ass.

Jack McFarland: Will, come on. I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together.
Will Truman: Wow. How am I gonna say no to that? No.
Jack McFarland: Grace, I can only do this with you. You're my best friend. We'll have so much fun together!

Jack McFarland: I had the best costume. My fig leaf was an actual fig leaf. I had to keep it in the crisper all week.
Karen Walker: What, the leaf?

Stranger at the Gay Parade: You see, your drag name is the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on.
Karen: So mine would be uh... ShuShu Fontanna.
[they all laugh]
Karen: That's hysterical. Jackie what's yours?
Jack: [upset] Glen 125th.


"Will & Grace: Secrets and Lays (#1.17)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: You know, no one took me on vacation when I broke up with... what's his face, uh... bleached hair, tattoo, goatee, who am I talking about?
Karen Walker: God, I don't know honey. You just described a needle in a gaystack.

Will Truman: Allow me, to go hunt and gather for the womenfolk.
Grace Adler: Jack, don't you think it would be nice if you went with Will so that he didn't have to be alone?
Jack McFarland: [Reluctantly] OK.
Will Truman: Very well, I will hunt and gather with our womenfolk.

Jack: There's a gay bar approximately 5.38 miles north of here.
Karen: Gaydar?
Jack: Cop at the toll booth.

Jack: [to Grace] I thought you were big foot's cousin, big hair.

[Will, Jack and Karen are playing scrabble]
Will: Spramp is not a word Jack.
Jack: Yes it is. "Every morning I spramp my face with water"

Jack: No one took me on vacation when I broke up with... er... what's his face, bleached hair, tattoo, goatee, who am I talking about here?
Karen: God, I don't know honey. You just described a needle in a gaystack.


"Will & Grace: The Finale (#8.23)" (2006)
Karen Walker: Y'know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Will and Grace.
Jack McFarland: Right. It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Will & Grace show.

Karen: So that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him and you said no?
Jack: But I don't like him.
Karen: Since when is that a problem?
Jack: Well played.
[pause]
Jack: I can't do it.
Karen: Oh you'll do it. You'll do it the same way any self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.

Jack McFarland: [Celebrating with, Karen, getting Grace & Will back together] Hey, let's get a dessert! Nothing too filling. Something small and fruity with lady fingers.
[Beverley Leslie walks in]

Jack McFarland: [Karen has left Jack and Beverly Leslie alone] Nice seeing you again. I'm sure you have places to go... a magic ring to protect...

Jack McFarland: [to Will] That's funny. Do I hear screaming? Oh, no, that's just the buttons on your shirt.


"Will & Grace: Lows in the Mid-Eighties (#3.8)" (2000)
Jack: [to Will over the phone before Will comes out] Well, if you're wanting to make muskrat love with your girlfriend, why are you on the phone with me?
Will: [silent]
Jack: Yeah. I thought so. You're my new best friend; call me every five minutes!

Jack: [to Will, trying to get him to admit he's gay] You're Marvin Gay! And let me tell you, ain't no closet big enough!

Jack: Tom's queer, dear.

Will: Me? I'm not gay.
Jack: Well, this well-worn copy of the Dreamgirls soundtrack begs to differ.

Jack: Yeah, guys our little Pammy's in a pickle, and, uh, shouldn't we help her find her way back to a place called hope?
Karen: Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. It's a four day drive and a boat trip to a place called Hope.


"Will & Grace: Between a Rock and Harlin's Place (#1.4)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: Hey hey! It's not the Will & Grace show! It's called Just Jack!

Jack McFarland: [Karen is at her desk filing her nails as Jack enters] Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Just Jack!
[singing]
Jack McFarland: Touch me in the mornin' ...
Karen Walker: Honey, I'm busy. Touch yourself.

Jack McFarland: Karen, you can't just devastate me and kick me out. You're not my lover.

Jack McFarland: This guy, lemme tell ya... Thursday night, downtown at the duplex. Be there, be blown away.
Will Truman: What are you talking about? You're not a performer.
Jack McFarland: I am now. Me, a piano, and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack." Here's my flyer. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."
Will Truman: Why one night-- oh. It's open mike night.

Jack: Oh Karen, you just can't devastate me and kick me out. You're not my lover.


"Will & Grace: Head Case (#1.3)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: Ellen can you bring in Will's denial's file he has something to add.

Jack McFarland: Women, you can't live with them, end of sentence.

Will Truman: Jack! I have better things to do than go through every little meaningless job you've ever gone through because of a cute boss or I don't know, a good couch in the men's room. So will you just give me some space!
Jack McFarland: And so ends a scene from 'Mr. Bitch Goes to Washington!'
[Jack applauds him]

Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.

Will: Jack, I'm trying to do my job. Yeah, now that's the first time I've ever said 'Jack' and 'job' in a sentence without 'needs to get a' in between. I'm sorry. Grace is upset with her bathroom.
Jack: Yeah, cause it's too small for her. It's too small for Malibu Barbie. Will, why don't you just share your bathroom. Ya know, I think that's the first time I've said 'Will' and 'share' in a sentence without 'doesn't know how to' in between.


"Will & Grace: A New Lease on Life (#1.2)" (1998)
Karen Walker: Honey, no no... she can't move into his place. That's not acceptable!
Jack McFarland: Tell me about it, you feisty little Shih Tzu!

Will Truman: You broke another wine glass, didn't you?
Jack McFarland: Welcome to cynical island. Population, you.

Will Truman: And must you always let that bird out of its cage?
Jack McFarland: Hey, birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim. Will's gotta lighten up.

Jack: [to Karen after just meeting her] C'mon, let's touch stomachs!


"Will & Grace: Yours, Mine or Ours (#1.16)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: [To Will] So what's cookin', average lookin'?

Jack: Will, I told you. You live with a hetero long enough, you're going to catch it.

Jack: They say Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man, no. - Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men.


"Will & Grace: Alley Cats (#1.21)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: I know CPR.
Karen Walker: You know CPR?
Jack McFarland: Oh yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay. Only I think it just confused him even more...

Jack McFarland: Here's a little acronym that'll help you: C.T.A.P.T.N.T.T.H.A.B.M.T.M.
Karen Walker: Here's a little acronym for you, honey: What the hell are you talking about?

Karen Walker: I had a near-death experience last night.
Jack McFarland: Wow! Did you see God? Is she mad at me?
Karen Walker: Come on, Jack, this is serious. It was at The Palm last night with Stan, and he started choking on his rack of lamb. Well, my first instinct was to watch it play out, but it was really attracting attention, so...
Jack McFarland: Omigod, is he OK?
Karen Walker: Oh, yeah, he's fine. Javier the busboy gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a 'Thank You'. Maybe the rest of his family from Cuba.


"Will & Grace: Marry Me a Little (#5.8)" (2002)
Will Truman: Leo, great. And Grace, best of luck.
Grace Adler: Best of luck? Well thanks for coming to my Bat Mitzvah, Uncle Hochum! Have a safe drive back to Siaset!
Karen Walker: I don't know what half those words meant.
Jack McFarland: [nods] Me either.

Jack McFarland: Um, look, Leo, I know you're new here, and, um, we don't want you to think we're really cliquey and don't let anyone in our little group, but, um, well, we're really cliquey and we don't want anyone in our little group.
Karen Walker: So, if you want to break into the fag four, this symbol of gay oppression has got to go.

Bobbi Adler: so, Where are you kids going on your honeymoon?
Grace Adler: We haven't really talked about it yet.
Eleanor Markus: Oh! You should take her to your cabin.
Grace Adler: You have a cabin?
Leo Markus: Yeah, I go there to fish.
Grace Adler: You fish?
Leo Markus: Mm-hmm. I learned in Africa.
Grace Adler: You were in Africa?
Leo Markus: Yeah, when I was with Doctors Without Borders.
Grace Adler: You were with Doctors Without Borders?
Rosario Salazar: Have you two met?
Will Truman: Hey, hey. Let's give the newlyweds a break here. I'm sure they know all the important stuff. Like favorite song.
[Grace and Leo look blank]
Will Truman: Favorite movie.
[Blank looks again]
Will Truman: Birthdays? No? Ppf. Doesn't matter.
[WILL TURNS AWAY, MOUTHING "WOW"]
Eleanor Markus: Don't worry, Grace. Marvin will fill you in on all that stuff.
Grace Adler: That's right, Eleanor. Who's Marvin?
Leo Markus: [laughs] That'd be me.
Grace Adler: Your name is Marvin?
Leo Markus: [awkward smile] yeah, yeah. People always call me "Leo"... 'cause my name's Marvin.
Jack McFarland: [laughs with a mouthful of cake] You just married a guy, and you don't even know his name?
Grace Adler: I don't know your name?
Leo Markus: Come on, my first wife didn't have a problem with that. Huh?
[LAUGHS]
Grace Adler: You were married before?


"Will & Grace: The Unsinkable Mommy Adler (#1.13)" (1999)
Will Truman: He thinks every robot is gay.
Jack McFarland: Hello? Lost in Space!
[Impersonating robot]
Jack McFarland: "Danger, danger Will Robinson." Big space queen!

Jack McFarland: I want the world to know the truth about C-3PO!
Will Truman: Jack, C-3PO is not gay, he's British.

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you my ass.


"Will & Grace: The Buying Game (#1.8)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: [Trying to get some guinea pigs for him to test his massaging on] I love people. As long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded 'backney'. Ew! Ok, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
Will Truman: Smelly.
Grace Adler: Hairy.
[They both leave]
Jack McFarland: Thank you, friends.
[Jack looks at Karen]
Karen Walker: Backney.

Jack: Karen, I can't do it any more. Every day I come in here, and I touch your naked body. We don't talk, there's no emotion. I'm acting like a straight guy, and it's making me sick. I took an oath in front of God and my mother; I'm here, I'm queer, Get used to it.

Jack McFarland: [beginning a massage practice session with Karen] Now, I want you to take off your robe, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. The sheet will drape you, so...
Karen Walker: Yeah, I've done this before, honey. Skin to the wind.
Jack McFarland: [Karen lies down as Jack starts to put the sheet over her] Wow, Karen, you could bounce a quarter off that thing.


"Will & Grace: The Big Vent (#1.10)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: What do you think of my glasses? What do they say?
Will Truman: Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Jack McFarland: And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses!

[Jack has gotten glasses]
Will: Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Jack: And men don't make passes at girls with fat asses.

Karen: Your play stinks.
Jack: Which pages?
Karen: Uuuh... The ones with words on 'em?
Karen: [reads] "Come to me Tonga, and let us make lup lup on my house boat!"
Jack: Karen, it's a Caribbean fantasy...
Karen: It's a Caribbean nightmare!


"Will & Grace: Grace, Replaced (#1.18)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: I bitch slapped the law and the law won.

Jack: I bitch-slapped the law, and the law won.

Grace: [running by] Hi Jack. Bye Jack.
Jack: Dad, was that you?


"Will & Grace: Das Boob (#2.3)" (1999)
Jack: Will, Will, Will, buy me a computer. I want one in tangerine to match the shoes you're going to get me later.

[Grace is in the newspaper for interior design]
Will: "Manhattan interior designer Grace Adler, 26 - "
[looks at Grace]
Grace: It must've been a typo.
Will: Mmm.
Jack: More like a lie-o.

Will: [trying to explain why he dated Jack's ex-boyfriend] Jack, he wasn't your Walter at the time. Y'know, you had broken up long ago. Y'know, he was... he was Walter up for grabs, so I... I grabbed.
Jack: [livid] How could you?
Will: It was one time.
Jack: Commandment Number One in the Gay Bible, 'Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass.'
Will: Jack... is that from the Book of Genesissy?


"Will & Grace: Alive and Schticking (#8.1)" (2005)
Jack: I have had the biggest glitter related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut.

Jack: Life is too short to waste time on over thinking things. When an opportunity comes, I don't question it. I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn!

Jack: The more you know... and shooting star!


"Will & Grace: Girls, Interrupted (#2.20)" (2000)
Jack McFarland: Oh hey, lady la-la. What are you doing in here?
Karen Walker: Oh, Stan's been socking down the herbal Viagra again, and this is the only room in the house he doesn't know about. Shh. Don't tell him.
Jack McFarland: Karen, guess what. Tonight I met the One. The man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
Karen Walker: Hey! There is only one man in your life. And her name is Rosario, and don't you forget that.
Jack McFarland: His name is Bill. Look.
[Takes out a piece of paper]
Jack McFarland: And he gave me a picture of himself.
[Gives Karen the flyer]
Jack McFarland: Isn't that a great idea? I'm gonna start passing out pictures of myself to people I meet at clubs.
Karen Walker: Did you even read this?
Jack McFarland: Well, I read the picture. And it said, "Mommy, mommy, give me some of Jack." Ah!
Karen Walker: He is the head of some group called "Welcome Back Home."
Jack McFarland: Well, I'm sure it's a typo. He must mean, "Welcome back, Homo."
Karen Walker: [reads from the flyer] "It's never too late to get back on the straight and narrow"? Honey, this is a cult! Yeah! Like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes. They're trying to make gay people straight! Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?
Jack McFarland: "We noticed your homosexuality. Make the choice to be straight. Gay is not the way"? Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks!
Karen Walker: Yes. And it looks like your new sweetie has turned his back on homosexuals. And not in the good way.
[Turns to look up at the cross hanging above Rosario's bed]
Karen Walker: No. Don't listen.
Jack McFarland: Well, Bill is not straight. I mean, look at us, Kare. We're lovers.
[Jack puts Bill's photo next to his face]
Karen Walker: Lord. I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet.
Jack McFarland: Wait! They're having a meeting tomorrow and we have to go. What this organization is advocating is morally wrong, and it is my responsibility to shine the mirror of truth upon them.
Karen Walker: Honey...
Jack McFarland: Okay, I just wanna make out with Bill.
Karen Walker: Okay.
Jack McFarland: He's so cute, isn't he?
Karen Walker: I know, I know, honey, but it's a waste of time, all right? It's like exercise or reading to your kids. The man thinks he's straight.
Jack McFarland: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.
Karen Walker: Yeah, well you can count me out. If you think I'm gonna spend my Sunday morning with a bunch of self-loathing closet cases...
Jack McFarland: You'll get to be a lesbian.
Karen Walker: Wake me by 11:00.

Bill: Man, that was a great game.
[turns off the television]
Jack McFarland: Yeah. So, wanna hit the showers?
Bill: What?
Jack McFarland: You know, like they're doing.
[Gestures toward the television]
Bill: Jack, I don't think that's appropriate.
Jack McFarland: Whaddya talk? It's just a couple of naked straight guys soaping each other down.
Bill: Okay, I... I have to say something here. The back-slapping and the head-rubbing was one thing, but the ear-blowing and the butterfly kisses are not standard NBA practice. And now this shower thing.
Jack McFarland: What are you implying?
Bill: You're coming on to me.
Jack McFarland: What? I am shocked and appalled. But are you interested?
Bill: You think that you can just come in here and use this group, this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness, as some kind of dating service?
Jack McFarland: I just need a yes or a no.
Bill: No! And I want to make something crystal clear to you and to everyone else in this room.
[to the group members]
Bill: Excuse me. We are here to lead normal, heterosexual lives. Man and woman are meant to be together. So anyone here who has a misguided notion that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a - a gay pick-up joint, you can just leave right now.
[everyone but Bill, Karen, and Jack leave]
Karen Walker: Well, look at 'em go. I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona. Oh, my god, listen to me. I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen!
[Karen leaves]
Bill: [Bill looks at Jack] Well, as long as it's a heterosexual soap-down.
Jack McFarland: Attagirl.
[Bill and Jack start to leave together]


"Will & Grace: Dyeing Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard (#4.14)" (2002)
Jack McFarland: [Bonnie and Jack have just met, and are the biological parents of a son, Elliot. After seeing Elliot in a flambouyant haircut, Bonnie has forbidden Jack to see him] I'm just gonna take my gay self, live my gay life, and have a gay old time.
Bonnie: What are you doing? What is that?
Jack McFarland: Oh, come on. The whole reason you don't want me to see him is because you have a problem with gay people.
Bonnie: No, I don't.
Jack McFarland: Yes, you do.
Bonnie: No, I don't.
Jack McFarland: Yes, you do.
Bonnie: I'm gay, Jack.
Jack McFarland: No you're not.
Bonnie: Yes I am. I'm gay.
Jack McFarland: Prove it! Say something lesbionic!
Bonnie: Home Depot.
Jack McFarland: k.d. lang, you are a lesbian!

Jack McFarland: Hi, what's new? Oh, really? That's good, that's great. You guys work hard. You deserve it. What's new with me? Not too much. Lookin' good, smellin' good. If I weren't so busy, I'd date myself.
Grace Adler: Ok, I read about this. You're never supposed to wake them.
Jack McFarland: What's new with my son, Elliot, you ask? Oh, boy...
Elliot: [he enters sporting a flashy outfit and a new, blond dye-job] Hey, how ya doing? I'll call ya - or not.


"Will & Grace: Where There's a Will, There's No Way (#1.7)" (1998)
Will Truman: First of all, they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.
Jack McFarland: No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.
Will Truman: On what? The Delusional Channel?

Jack: Oh, Peter Paul and Mary I'm going down.


"Will & Grace: The Mourning Son (#8.20)" (2006)
Jack: [Jack runs into Will's ex-boyfriend Vince at George Truman's funeral] I'm going to be playing a COP in a new TV show and I would love some pointers. The only COP things I've done is use handcuffs and say to someone, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?".

Jack: That's it? That's your story? That stunk! You're supposed to make him feel better about his dad not worse about his friends.


"Will & Grace: Last Ex to Brooklyn (#6.2)" (2003)
Grace Adler: I have something special planned tomorrow night.
Jack McFarland, Karen Walker: Yay!
Grace Adler: Leo and I are having dinner.
Jack McFarland, Karen Walker: Boo!
Grace Adler: His ex-girlfriend is also coming over.
Jack McFarland, Karen Walker: Yay!
Grace Adler: But I'm OK with that, so there's not going to be any drama.
Jack McFarland, Karen Walker: Boo!

Grace Adler: How could I fall in love with your kebabs? I've never had them. Diane had your kebabs, but apparently I wasn't good enough for your kebabs.
Leo Markus: Wait. Why do you care that Diane's had Will's kebabs, but you don't care that she's had mine and I've had hers?
Jack McFarland: Silly, Diane is a girl. She doesn't have kebabs. She has a ka-gina!
Karen Walker: And nice ka-tits.


"Will & Grace: My Best Friend's Tush (#2.22)" (2000)
[to Will]
Jack: You're the quarterback and I'm just the slutty cheerleader with the nice rack.

Jack: [singing] Hey, mon frére, if your derriere could use a little cush, no need to pout, the word is out. It's Jack's Subway Tush.


"Will & Grace: Ben? Her?: Part 2 (#2.24)" (2000)
Jack McFarland: Well, boo radley hoo, lady.

Jack McFarland: Her life, like her hair, had become unmanage-able.


"Will & Grace: The Truth About Will and Dogs (#1.9)" (1998)
Jack McFarland: ['Valley Girl' voice] Uh, Mr. Truman, I hope you don't mind, but I, like, brought my girlfriend Valerie here so we can make out.

Jack McFarland: [About naming the puppy] I was thinking something more along the lines of... "Jack."
Will Truman: Hmmm... Let me think. "Jack, quit licking that man's face." See? He'd never know who I was talking to.
Jack McFarland: [Sarcastically] Ohh! My side! Ohh!


"Will & Grace: Will on Ice (#1.11)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: I don't like Grace.
Will Truman: What are you talking about? You like Grace!
Jack McFarland: I'm sort of not into her right now.
Will Truman: Sort of not into her? She's a person, not tandoori chicken.

Jack McFarland: I need you to make a decision for me, and I need you to make it now.
Will Truman: Don't have the sex change. They never work out.


"Will & Grace: Home Court Disadvantage (#6.3)" (2003)
Jack McFarland: Are my khakis done? You know what they say, a wrinkled ass is the devil's playground.

[all singing]
Will Truman: Mamma Mia, here I go again.
Jack McFarland: My, my, how can I resist ya?
Marilyn Truman: Mamma Mia, does it show again?
Will/Jack/Marilyn: My, my, just how much I missed ya!


"Will & Grace: Christmas Break (#7.12)" (2004)
Karen: So, what we're doin'?
Jack McFarland: What all teenage girls do. Which is remarkable similar to what gay men do. Talk about boys, obsessed of our bodys and make fun of people.

Jack McFarland: Wow, that was just like "The O.C.". Just without 25-year old teenagers and 35-year old parents.


"Will & Grace: Big Brother Is Coming: Part 2 (#1.15)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: Oh my god, I'm thirty. Do you know what that is in gay years?

Jack: I can't believe I'm 30. Do you know how much that is in gay years?


"Will & Grace: Coffee & Commitment (#3.10)" (2001)
Jack: [jumpy] Why isn't there any coffee?
Karen: The same reason you don't have a wife and three kids honey... It's the way God wants it.

Jack: [High on coffee, and saying speedily] Hey, friends, lovers, mothers and other strangers. You are never going to believe what's happened to me... Oh, my God, did you just see that? I almost did a half nelson, I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigatos, Mr tomatoes.
[Gulps iced coffee drink]
Jack: Huge News! I have met, are you ready for this, Mr Right, well, Mr Right Now, anyway. Good night, folks, I'm here all week, Jack 2000. He works over at the Jumpin Java - you know, that coffee shop on seventy second and his name is Paul and he is cute with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets, and the hotter he gets, the sweatier he gets, and the sweatier he gets... I forgot where I'm goin with this, but the point is me likey he and he likey me and the best part is... , schezam! he gives me free iced coffee every time I go in which is every hour on the hour and thank you very much and occasionally on the half hour. Ba ba ba ba ba
[blows raspberry]


"Will & Grace: The Rules of Engagement (#4.6)" (2001)
Grace Adler: So, how do I look? Would you say "Yes" if I asked you to marry me? Pretend you're straight.
Jack McFarland: Grace, I can not pretend I'm straight. I did that all through pre-school, I'm not about to go back.


"Will & Grace: Cheatin' Trouble Blues (#4.18)" (2002)
[Jack and Karen have been walking up the stairs to the Rainbow Room, as Karen's afraid of elevators. Jack's forgotten the cake and they walk down twenty flights to get it]
Jack McFarland: Now we have to walk all the way back up. This is so stupid! Whatever made you afraid of an elevator anyway?
Karen Walker: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... the lights went out, the elevator dropped and... Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met!
[cries]
Karen Walker: Thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out!
Jack McFarland: Karen, that wasn't you! That was the opening scene of "Speed!"
Karen Walker: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus?


"Will & Grace: A Gay/December Romance (#6.12)" (2004)
Will Truman: Well, I was going to this art opening...
Jack McFarland: Ooh, that sounds great, I'd love to join you!
Will Truman: It's not a person named Art, you understand?
Jack McFarland: Yes, I know. But there's always a lot of rich old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.


"Will & Grace: Queens for a Day: Part 1 (#7.10)" (2004)
Jack McFarland: Hello Ro. He-Ro! I'm Jack, Will's friend. Not like Will and your brother are "friends." Okay. And one day they'll eventually be "roommates." And then the proud parents of a Chinese girl
Ro: I know my brother's gay. I've known it since high school when he beat up some guy for saying Lee Majors looked dopey.


"Will & Grace: Love Plus One (#3.6)" (2000)
Will: [sees Jack at the Banana Republic] Hey, I just received a message saying that you have a new job, and you're going to buy *me* dinner. There's, like, eighteen things wrong with that sentence.
Jack: Will, the Banana has changed my life. It's all about the Banana.
Will: Hasn't it always been?


"Will & Grace: Blanket Apology (#8.19)" (2006)
Jack McFarland: [screaming] Karen! You're bending my ethnic porn!


"Will & Grace: Saving Grace, Again: Part 1 (#7.8)" (2004)
Jack McFarland: Guys our little Pammy's in a pickle, shouldn't we help her find her way back to a place called hope?
Karen Walker: Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. It's a four day drive & a boat trip to a place called hope.


"Will & Grace: Brothers, a Love Story (#3.13)" (2001)
Jack McFarland: I don't understand this. I mean, what's going on right now? What exactly are we watching?
Will Truman: This would be called a basketball game.
Jack McFarland: Uh huh, uh huh. And where is this all taking place?
Will Truman: That's Madison Square Garden.
Jack McFarland: That's a sports auditorium now?
Will Truman: It's the world's most famous sports arena. But I can see how that fact may have eluded you, given that your entire knowledge of sports consists of giggling every time you hear the word "balls".
Jack McFarland: Hee hee, hee hee. Gets me every time.
Jack McFarland: [later, Grace comes in] Grace, check it out. This is amazing. Tall, muscular lovelies in nothin' but short shorts and matching tank tops. Why would straight guys watch this?
Grace Adler: If I knew why straight guys did anything, do you think I'd be hanging out with you two homos?


"Will & Grace: Whose Mom Is It, Anyway? (#2.4)" (1999)
[about Rosario]
Jack: How dare you suggest our marriage is a sham.
INS Agent: Uh, you're gay.
Jack: What? A guy sleeps with guys and he's immediately pegged as gay?


"Will & Grace: New Will City (#3.1)" (2000)
Jack McFarland: You're into gay porn, right?
Grace Adler: Who isn't?


"Will & Grace: Fear and Clothing (#3.2)" (2000)
Karen: Hey, guess what, good news! We're not mad at each other anymore because I've forgiven you!
Jack: Interesting because I haven't forgiven you...
Karen: So what's your point? Oh alright, I'm sorry. There we're done. Let's go get French Tips
Jack: Karen, I am not a lightswitch that you can just apologize to and expect me to forgive you.
[Jack thinks about what he just said. Audience laughs]
Jack: My emotions are much more complex than that, I I need time to heal. I don't accept.
[Jack walks away]
Karen: What? You don't what?
Jack: I said I don't accept!
Karen: I don't think you understand what just happened here. The only other person I've apologized to was my mother and that was court-ordered... So please accept my apology in the spirit it was intended or I'll kick you in the gentles.
Jack: No. Now be gone before somebody drops a house on you!
Karen: Up yours, Dorothy.
Jack: Well, you tan and freckle!


"Will & Grace: Boardroom and a Parked Place (#5.6)" (2002)
[about to go to sleep in Karen's limo, all laying on their right sides]
Grace: Night.
Karen: Night.
Jack: Night.
Rosario: Noches.
Karen: Jack, that had better be your penis.
Grace: Ok, I can't do this, I sleep on my left.
[They all turn to the left]
Grace: Night.
Karen: Night.
Jack: Night.
Rosario: Noches.
Karen: Grace, that had better be your penis.
Grace: It's a thermos. But, thank you.


"Will & Grace: ...And the Horse He Rode in On (#5.1)" (2002)
Jack McFarland: Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know; I'm a licensed dealer.


"Will & Grace: Friends with Benefits (#7.23)" (2005)
Jack McFarland: [when Beverley approaches him] Beat it, homo!


"Will & Grace: To Serve and Disinfect (#2.6)" (1999)
Will Truman: [Brian's giving an attitude to Jack] Jack, you don't have to put up with this.
Jack McFarland: [smiling] I'm working, so I do.
Will Truman: Yeah, well, I don't.
[to Brian]
Will Truman: At what point did you decide it was okay to treat people like this?
Brian Kelly: Will, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Pepper here.
Will Truman: Brian, I got news for you. I'M A PEPPER!
Brian Kelly: Excuse me?
Will Truman: I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, and considering the grades you got in law school you're a heartbeat away from being a pepper too!


"Will & Grace: Grace Expectations (#8.16)" (2006)
Jack McFarland: Hey, what's in the bag fag?


"Will & Grace: FYI: I Hurt, Too (#7.1)" (2004)
Jack McFarland: [about Leo] I don't even know how to act around them. Do I like him? Do I hate him? Do I have an accent?


"Will & Grace: Will Works Out (#1.19)" (1999)
Jack: Je suis Fatty Gay!


"Will & Grace: Will & Grace & Vince & Nadine (#7.7)" (2004)
Jack: My boss is on my case. He says I've got to have a more professional relationship with my secretary, or else I have to fire her. He gave me an old tomato.
Will: Old tomato?
Jack: Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other? You have to eat it or throw it. Old tomato.
Will: Oh, I see. I was confused, 'cause you know, I pronounce it old tomahto.


"Will & Grace: It's a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World (#7.21)" (2005)
Jack McFarland: Ah, you missed a great wrap-party at White castle last night. Woho, it was off the hook.


"Will & Grace: Sex, Losers & Videotape (#5.19)" (2003)
Jack McFarland: [Jack onstage teaching acting class.] Thought for the day: Though the eyes are the windows to your soul, the zipper is the window to your underwear.


"Will & Grace: Saving Grace, Again: Part 2 (#7.9)" (2004)
Jack McFarland: He's my arch-nemesissy.


"Will & Grace: Cowboys and Iranians (#8.17)" (2006)
[seeing Jack at the gay bar]
Beverley Leslie: Well well well. If it isn't Karen Walker's little gay friend. Where's your olive-skinned cohort? Don't you homosexuals always travel in pairs?
[Benji shows up]
Benji: Beverley, they don't have Clay Aiken on the jukebox.
[Beverly groans in disappointment]
Jack: Well, look how cute you two look. The Black Stallion and My Little Pony


"Will & Grace: Dance Cards & Greeting Cards (#7.16)" (2005)
Jack McFarland: [to Beverley Leslie] I'm Sorry, I'm a little bit confused. Em, how am i gonna put this delicately? You're a raging 'mo yourself


"Will & Grace: Past and Presents (#4.2)" (2001)
Jack McFarland: [Will is being intimidated by a colleague, who was also his bully in elementary school] Look at you. I am *very* disappointed in you.
Will Truman: You are? Y'think I like feeling like this, again? Y'know, by the time I got to the fourth grade, the guy had made me such a nervous wreck that I ate lunch every day with the Janitor. I always left there feeling better, though. Prob'ly because I was swigging Kahlúa out of Mr Pang's thermos.
Jack McFarland: Then why don't you do somethin' about it? Fight back. Put on your pink boxing gloves and start cryin'.
Will Truman: I'm not a fighter, OK? I, I, I bruise like a summer fruit.
Jack McFarland: Well, if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for me. And, Will, do it for every loser, geek, weakling, homo, ethnic, fatty, smarty, sittin' alone under the Jungle Jim, petrified that they're gonna get beat up for being different.
Will Truman: You're right. Why am I putting up with this? I mean, I - I'm not a boy, I'm a man!
Jack McFarland: Atta boy!


"Will & Grace: A.I.: Artificial Insemination (#4.25)" (2002)
Jack McFarland: You're hawking your new album in my dream?
Cher: Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies!


"Will & Grace: Sweet (and Sour) Charity (#2.18)" (2000)
Karen Walker: Lord. Would you look at these people. Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me.
Jack McFarland: Karen, nobody chooses to be homeless. It's because they did something bad.


"Will & Grace: Swimming Pools... Movie Stars (#3.11)" (2001)
Jack McFarland: Toot toot! Heyyy!
[SQUEAKING HORN]
Jack McFarland: Guess what I just got off of eBay?
Grace: I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
Jack McFarland: Oh, my God. You are so blah! I got this scooter, which happens to be autographed by Ricky Martin, the openly-Latino pop singing sensation. But the best part is, I outbid my arch-rival, Dr Dangerous, to get it.
Will: Dr Dangerous? Do Mr Thumb and Shrinkface know about this?
Jack McFarland: Dr Dangerous is his online screen name, and he and I always bid against the same things online, and he always wins, but that's about to change. Do you know why?
Will: Because we don't care?
Jack McFarland: No. Because I have this special online beeper. It lets me know immediately when someone outbids me. That's how I got this Ricky Martin scooter, and let me tell you something...
Will: Let me guess. It bangs, it bangs.


"Will & Grace: Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner (#2.1)" (1999)
Karen: Hey Poodle.
Jack: Who's your daddy?
Karen: You are.


"Will & Grace: Forbidden Fruit (#8.12)" (2006)
Jack: I've got the Evian flu!
[pause]
Jack: I shared a bottle of water with a stranger at the gym.


"Will & Grace: My Fair Maid-y (#1.12)" (1999)
Alex: So... what kind of law do you practise?
Jack McFarland: I don't practise... I just do.


"Will & Grace: Tea and a Total Lack of Sympathy (#2.10)" (2000)
Grace Adler: [Grace's teapot is worth $30,000 and Jack has stolen it; she stops a security guard] Excuse me! Have you seen a gay man run through here with a tea pot real excited?... What am I saying? It's like asking if you've seen a loser at a renaissance faire.
Jack McFarland: [guards move a trunk that Jack is under; he looks up at Grace] Can you see me?
Grace Adler: Yes, Tommy. I can see you.


"Will & Grace: Seeds of Discontent (#2.11)" (2000)
Will: Claire... I mentioned her a thousand times. She was my Grace before I met Grace.
Jack: Claire... nope, doesn't ring a bell. Cla-cla-cl - I don't like her name, though. I'm going to call her... Bettina. Yay! Bettina's coming to town! It's much better.


"Will & Grace: One Gay at a Time (#7.3)" (2004)
Jack McFarland: Just be grateful you have a divorce to talk about. Gays aren't even allowed that right. That's why I'm voting for Jim Carrey.
[Confusing Jim Carrey for John Kerry, who ran for President in 2004]
Will Truman: I'm sure as leader of the free world his Pet Detective skills will come in handy.


"Will & Grace: Fagmalion Part 2: Attack of the Clones (#5.14)" (2003)
Barry: Check out those abs. Aren't they fabulous?
Will Truman: Was that...
Jack McFarland: I think it was.
Will Truman: Baby's first "Fabulous"!


"Will & Grace: Whoa, Nelly! (#4.12)" (2002)
Jack: Lamar is... well, he's like me, Kar.
Karen: Not allowed to step within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?


"Will & Grace: The Young and the Tactless (#3.19)" (2001)
Will Truman: [excited] Ooh, ooh, I forgot to tell ya, Y'remember that ultra-hip club, the Atom Bar? I'm not revealing my sources, but apparently it is re-opening this Friday.
Jack McFarland: [pretends to press buttons, using his hand to his ear to mime a telephone] Hello, Day Old News? Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah, he's gonna be giving his business to Behind the Times. OK - O - OK, OK, I love you, too. Buh'bye.


"Will & Grace: The Hospital Show (#2.17)" (2000)
Jack: So, going on a date with you lover?
Will: He's not my lover. He's my mother's denist's bridge partner's son, which makes me... a loser.
Jack: Wait a minute... Yeah, that's what I get too.


"Will & Grace: Bully Woolley (#7.15)" (2005)
Jack: Shut up, Patti LuPone! Shut your brassy, magnificent trap! I don't want to hear you sing! I don't want to cut your hair! And I *certainly* don't want to hear you singing while I cutting your hair! Got it? Now I'm talking to my best friend, so stand back, Buenos Aires!


"Will & Grace: Whatever Happened to Baby Gin? (#8.22)" (2006)
Jack McFarland: [to Josh Lucas] It's like you're Matt Damon and I'm Ben Affleck and I just made "Gigli". Or "Paycheck". Or "Bounce". Or "Jersey Girl". Or "Surviving Christmas".


"Will & Grace: Prison Blues (#4.4)" (2001)
Jack McFarland: [entering] Morning, camper. Everybody ready to go on a little day trip? I brought my fanny pack,
[holds it up]
Jack McFarland: which I will hold as a clutch... so as not to obscure...
[turns around]
Jack McFarland: my dynamite fanny.
Will Truman: Jack, we're going to visit Stanley Walker in prison.
Jack McFarland: Mm-hmm.
Will Truman: We're not going to Swishy Pete's Camp for Feminine Boys.


"Will & Grace: Big Brother Is Coming: Part 1 (#1.14)" (1999)
Jack McFarland: Hey, look, I'm Cher... circa 1978.
[Standing in front of a display of hay]
Jack McFarland: My daughter's a what?!


"Will & Grace: 23 (#5.23)" (2003)
Jack McFarland: If you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely be going to heaven.
Grace Adler: And if you weren't gay, you'd be there too.