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: [impersonating a European doctor
] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain. Wally
: Pussy! Dave
: It's amazing! This man is cured!
: Don't we get a last request? Eve
: What would you like? Dave
: Would you scratch my nose for me?
[Eve scratches his nose with a coin and then kisses him
: You're a very sick woman. Eve
: Thank you. Mr Karew, what would you you like? Wally
: I suppose a fuck is out of the question. Eve
: I'm afraid so.
: So, you're the fat fuck that runs this show! Sutherland
: Beautifully put, Mr. Karew. You're obviously a poet, a man after my own heart.
: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight. Wally
: I think I was married to that woman once. Dave
: Small world.
: I hear prison isn't so bad if you like it up the butt.
: [Dave and Wally are booking in at a hotel under false identities
] Dr. Kesselring, we thought you might not make it. It says you had some trouble with your visa? Dave
: [faking a German accent
] Yes, and zen suddenly dey accepted American Express. Go figure. Wally
: We don't go home without it.
: Okay no more bullshit Capt. Braddock
: [to Dave, talking fast
] was there or wasn't there a woman? Dave
: Are you serious? Capt. Braddock
: Yes I'm goddamn serious. Dave
: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman? Capt. Braddock
: What the hell is he taking about? Wally
: He reads lips. You're talking too fast. Capt. Braddock
: [to Dave, talking slowly
] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent? Dave
: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly
] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent. Capt. Braddock
: Why is he talking like that? Wally
: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly
] Because he's deaf... not stup-id.
: You swear an awful lot. Wally
: You're fucking-A right!
: Who are you talking to? Wally
: I'm talking to you, you prick. Dave
: Why don't you look me in the eye and say that? Wally
: I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind. Dave
: You're blind? Wally
: Yes I'm blind, what are you fucking deaf? Dave
: Yes, I'm fucking deaf! Wally
: You're really deaf? Dave
: I'm really deaf. Wally
: Then how do you know what I'm saying? Dave
: Because I'm reading your lips now you want the job or not?
: Where are we? Dave
: Probably on our way to New Jersey by now. Wally
: No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me? Dave
: Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship. Wally
: That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said? Dave
: I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into! Wally
: Is THAT what it is? I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything! Dave
: That's very kind of you! Thank you!
: These streets are bumpy. Dave
: You're driving on the sidewalk!
: I think David got a little messed up. Dave
: What did she say? Wally
: She said she thinks you're an asshole!
[Dave doesn't hold up any fingers
: How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now? Wally
: Three! Dave
: That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind.
: [yelling in Dave's ear
] Shazaam! Can you hear me? Dave
: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice! Wally
: Hooray! You can hear me! Dave
: What? Wally
: You can hear me! Dave
] No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?
: Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right? Wally
: You're fucking right! Dave
: It's a gift to be able to do that.
: Wally! He could put a hole through your *head*, Wally! Wally
: *Fuck* him and his holes!
Medical Conference Attendee
: [Addressing Wally, who is impersonating a Swedish gynecologist
] Which exercise would you find most beneficial to geriatric sexuality? Wally
: [faking a Swedish accent
] Oh, boy. Well, some of my patients prefer walking, some prefer bicycling. But for best results, to guarantee satisfaction, most of them like fucking. You know, poonta-poonta-poonta. I like it myself, you know. One in the morning, and late at night.
: Why do you feel you have to pass for someone with 20/20 vision when you're blind as a bat? Wally
: I don't feel. I have to pass. Adele
: Yes, you do. It's a sickness in your brain, just like if you were trying to pass for white. Wally
: You mean I'm not white?
: [Wally is driving a stolen police car because Dave's hands are cuffed behind him
] Don't look at me, look at the road! Wally
: [Shrugs and turns his head back toward the road
] All right, if it'll make you feel better.
: You look fine to me!