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: [limping off the diving board
] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week. Jason Melon
: It's probably menstrual. Chas
: Screw you, Melon!
: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am? Derek
: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.
[the football player picks up Derek by his shirt
: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man! Player #1
: [to Jason
] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home. Jason Melon
: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know? Player #1
: Shut up, meat-head! Thornton Melon
: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head. Player #1
: Yeah? Wanna make something of it? Thornton Melon
: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset... Thornton Melon
: [points at Lou
] HE gets physical.
[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand
: [stepping up to the player
] You got a problem? Player #1
: No. I haven't got a problem. Lou
: Well, now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team
[Jason enters his dorm room with Derek to see his father and Lou waiting
] Jason Melon
: AAAHHH! Dad, uh... what are you doing here? Thornton Melon
: I'm robbing your room! That's what I'm doing here. Thornton Melon
: [to Lou
] We drive 300 miles to see the kid, that's the greeting we get. Ha! Thornton Melon
: [to Jason
] Come here, will ya? Ha ha ha.
[they both laugh and embrace
] Thornton Melon
: Heya. How ya doing?
: When's our first class? Jason Melon
: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock. Thornton Melon
: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock. Jason Melon
: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage. Thornton Melon
: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.
: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it. Jason Melon
: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college? Thornton Melon
: When I used to fall asleep in high school.
: [in college bookstore
] Hey, you guys get everything you need? Jason Melon
: Oh, yeah, we got it. Thornton Melon
: Good... Hey! What's with the used books? Jason Melon
: Well, what's wrong with used books? Thornton Melon
: They've already been read! Jason Melon
: Yeah, and they already been UNDER-LINED, too. Get it? Thornton Melon
: That's the problem. The last guy who under-lined them, he could have been a maniac! Hey, get these guys some new books. Huh? Get some new books, will ya?
: Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books. Thornton Melon
: I tried...
[knock on door
] Thornton Melon
: I don't understand a word of it. Jason Melon
: [going to the door
] So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there
] Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
: [removing his hat
] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
[Thornton has a room full of experts writing his papers
] Jason Melon
: Dad, what's goin' on here? Thornton Melon
: I'm doin' my homework. Jason Melon
: No, no, no, no, THEY're doing your homework. Thornton Melon
: Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority.
: Come here. I want to tell you something. Jason Melon
: What? Lou
: You were pretty hard on your father last night. Jason Melon
: I know, but the guy doesn't understand. Lou
: I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.