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Quotes for
Lois (Character)
from "Malcolm in the Middle" (2000)

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"Malcolm in the Middle: Pilot (#1.1)" (2000)
Lois: You kids, you just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something: that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis, there are car accidents, I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourselves around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.

Lois: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Malcolm: Huh?

Lois: I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.
Malcolm: One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

Malcolm: If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
Lois: You kids...
Malcolm: Dang!

Dewey: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
Lois: I know honey, you're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.

Lois: Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, the other one can have, eh... I don't know, I think they're peas.

Caroline Miller: Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
Lois: They're just boobs, lady, you see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

Lois: It's about Malcolm.
Malcolm: I didn't do it.
Reese: Yes he did it, I saw him.

Lois: They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids.

Lois: Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me.

Lois: Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.
Malcolm: This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.

Lois: [on phone] Hey, Francis. How's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Lois: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.
Malcolm: He's not ugly or dumb.
Lois: Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.
Malcolm: [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Reese Drives (#3.13)" (2002)
Malcolm: Why do we have to get dressed like this? It's Reese's hearing.
Lois: 'Cause when the judge looks over at us, I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much.
Dewey: Why aren't they trying him as an adult?

Reese: I did it! I did it!
Malcolm: You passed the test?
Reese: I aced it.
Lois: You got five wrong.
Reese: Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be like a "C" student.

Lois: Just let me talk to him, and I can end this in five minutes.
Sgt. Rowdy: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think.
Lois: Think? My son doesn't think. He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around this city already.
Hal: [watching the TV coverage] There's our drycleaner again.
Dewey: [handing the officer a nude baby snapshot] Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV.
Lois: Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how.
Sgt. Rowdy: Trust me, we have this under control.
Lois: [spitting angry] Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire.
Sgt. Rowdy: Ma'am, that almost never happens.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Funeral (#1.11)" (2000)
Lois: We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
Francis: Aunt Helen died?
Lois: Well, I sure hope so, we're going to her funeral.

Lois: Did you call that girl?
Malcolm: Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
Lois: Well Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who tok care of me everyday after school - had to die and inconvenience your social life.

Malcolm: Mom, I hate wearing Reece's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Krelboyne Picnic (#1.8)" (2000)
[talking about Malcolm's class picnic]
Malcolm: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?

Lois: I brought Brownies.
Dorene: Well, isn't that thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Lois: Walnuts.
Dorene: Well, we can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.
Lois: Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene: Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful
[dumps the brownies in the trash]
Dorene: Believe me, this wasn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Victor's Other Family (#5.20)" (2004)
Sylvia: Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
Grandma Ida: [saunters over to Sylvia] Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common law wife, I'm entitled to that pension.
Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about.
Grandma Ida: The truth will bust out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
Lois: [walks over to Ida] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave at one. God forbid me, I'll take off the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK scars.
[Ida and Lois glare at each other for a few seconds before turning around to leave]
Grandma Ida: It's not over.
[she leaves the house as Reese comes in]

Mr. Dietrich: [facing Ida] We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family. But you're absolutely right, Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if you're not legally married, you'll still prevail in the case. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA tests of children, lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing. But I think you'd win.
Grandma Ida: Finally a Canadian who isn't an idiot.
Mr. Dietrich: The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month. Canadian. And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses... it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years. Do you think you'll live that long?
Lois: God no! I mean... no.
Mr. Dietrich: Well I don't think you'll be breaking even anytime soon.
Lois: [faces Ida as Dietrich leaves] Well mom, you tried. Let's go.
Grandma Ida: No, we're going to do this.
Lois: Weren't you listening? He says you would lose money going after this thing.
Grandma Ida: I don't care. We're going to get a lawyer.
Lois: You really hate these people so much that you'll ruin yourself just to get even with them. It's stupid.
Grandma Ida: [referring to Victor] He was my husband.

Lois: You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then, they might care about yours.
Grandma Ida: What the hell are you talking about?
Lois: I'm just trying to help you.
Grandma Ida: I know you are , bushka. I'm sorry, there's a lot for me to remember - you can show me more tricks tomorrow.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Poker (#3.8)" (2002)
Lois: [Hal forgets about Lois's dance class, and makes a poker date with Abe] Great, now who am I going to go with?
Dewey: [as Lois looks around the kitchen, Dewey gets panicky] Did Reese finish his homework yet?
Reese: Of course I finished my homework.
Lois: Good. You can come to dance class with me.
Reese: What? No, I was lying. I didn't finish my homework. I don't even know what my homework is!
Lois: Go get your shoes.

Rudy: And, right, left, cha-cha-cha. And remember, God created artificial hips for a reason. Let's *use* them. And, back, two, cha-cha, finish. All right, very good. Everyone, let's pair up.
Reese: [the Teacher pairs with Lois, while Reese sees an old woman leering and coming toward him] No way!
Lois: [thumps Reese on the head] You be a gentleman.
Reese: [thinking out loud] It's just like touching a dead person. It's just like touching a dead person.

Lois: The teacher thinks I have a dancer's ankles. What do you think? Huh? Want to dance with the star pupil?
Hal: Huh?
Lois: You know, *dance*!
Hal: No, I'm not in the mood.
Lois: You're always in the mood.
Hal: Not every single night of my life.
Lois: Yes you are.
Hal: I'm not like some kind of machine.
Lois: Yes you *are*.
Hal: You can't just snap your fingers...
Lois: Yes, I can. I always have.
Hal: [annoyed, seeing no way out] Oh, all right!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Hal Quits (#2.14)" (2001)
Francis: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.

Francis: I'm working for a moron.
Lois: Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your co-workers are incompetent and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.

Dewey: Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came.
Lois: He did?
Hal: Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars?
Dewey: I got a rock and a half a stick of gum.
Lois: Malcolm. Reese.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Forwards Backwards (#4.5)" (2002)
[Lois and Hal were forced to miss out on Dewey's performance because of Malcolm and Reese misbehaving and brawling at athe Go-Kart race]
Lois: I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals.
Hal: For what is worth, you both are grounded again.

[Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her]
Dewey: Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn't see a thing.
Lois: Deal.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Lois vs. Evil (#1.9)" (2000)
Lois: Drink your milk.
Dewey: It's lumpy!
Lois: Then chew it.

Lois: You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this.
Dewey: Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Home Alone 4 (#1.3)" (2000)
Lois: Dewey, I need to talk to Francis.
Dewey: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.
Lois: Well, put Malcolm on the phone.
Dewey: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? Dewey, what's going on?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom.

Lois: I just found out your family has a little nickname for me.
Hal: What is it?
Lois: "Lois Common Denominator."

"Malcolm in the Middle: Future Malcolm (#4.19)" (2003)
Hal: Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom...
Lois: What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you.
Dewey: It said you'd say that.

Lois: So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Baby: Part 1 (#4.20)" (2003)
Lois: Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.
Grandma Ida: You can afford a maid.
Piama: I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis.
Grandma Ida: [to Lois] Tell the help not to talk to me.

Lois: Hal, why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun? I could use the time alone, anyway, to straighten up the house before the baby comes.
Piama: I can help you clean.
Lois: [trying to disguise her resentment of Piama] Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company.
Hal: Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.
Malcolm: Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.
Lois: Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.

"Malcolm in the Middle: High School Play (#2.9)" (2000)
Lois: Oh, my God, is that right? What time do you have?
Cashier: 5:45?
Lois: 5:45. That's not possible. Dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese, dinner is in the oven. Hah?
Cashier: What is it?
Lois: I have the next 25 minutes free.
Cashier: How did you manage that? Did you leave a kid somewhere?
Lois: No. No, they are all accounted for.
Cashier: What're you gonna do?

Lois: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play?
Hal: That's great. It's not a musical, is it?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: That's great.
Reese: Dude, you play a fairy?
Lois: Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Baby: Part 2 (#4.21)" (2003)
[Francis has just delivered Jamie]
Lois: You can go vomit now.
[the paramedics show up]
Paramedic Dave: I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

Lois: Francis, you can do this. Just stick your hands inside mommy and pull the baby out!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Flashback (#2.25)" (2001)
Lois: You put the baby in the closet?
Hal: You left the milk on the table?

[Hal is trying to educate two-year-old Reese]
Hal: [singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But *not* literally.
Lois: [nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese.
[close-up of Lois' enlarged chest]
Lois: He's two years old and still calls you "phone".
[Hal leaves]
Young Reese: Phone go bye-bye.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Red Dress (#1.2)" (2000)
Lois: In your room
[evil voice]
Lois: NOW!

Lois: [entering the boys' room] What did you do?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Don't give that look. What did you do?
Malcolm: Nothing.
Lois: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer]
Malcolm: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything.
Lois: [notices the curtains are closed] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
[opens curtain]
Reese: Are you done? Wanna frisk me?
Lois: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door]
Dewey: [tied up on back of door] That was close.
Malcolm: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Living Will (#6.12)" (2005)
[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom]
Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]
Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
Malcolm: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]
Reese: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]
Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Christmas (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois: I am not canceling Christmas, I'm just holding it hostage.

Lois: [wrapping up some gifts while talking to Francis in Alaska] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.
Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well did you even invite her to your house?
Lois: [pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.
Francis: Hey, why don't we get on a bus and surprise you?
Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this conversation. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Secret Boyfriend (#7.6)" (2005)
Lois: Good morning Reese; you going to get a job today?
Reese Wilkerson: You know I had a job Mom and looking back on the whole experience I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. I am done with the job thing.
Lois: I am sorry Reese but not working isn't one of your options.
Reese Wilkerson: Okay I think I know what's going on here. Now look I want you to know that I am not criticizing you and Dad. You obviously don't mind wasting your lives doing meaningless repetitive tasks for unappreciative bosses. I respect that.
Lois: Do you mind telling me what you intend to do?
Reese Wilkerson: I'd like to finish my cereal.
Lois: Alright Reese. That's it! I am tired of fighting you on this. Until you get a job, this free ride is over.

Lois: It smells like dead squirrels in the wall again Hal. Oh my God it's you Reese! You smell like an open sewer!
Reese Wilkerson: And whose fault is that?
Lois: Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job.
Reese Wilkerson: Excuse me but I think I made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue.
Lois: Well you can't stay here like this.
Reese Wilkerson: Is that an apology?
Lois: No it is an invitation to live in the backyard.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Softball (#5.12)" (2004)
Craig Feldspar: Hey, Lois, you signin' up for softball?
Lois: I don't need to sign up, Craig, I'm coaching the team this year.
Craig Feldspar: You are?
Lois: Yes. Stu was gonna do it, but his wife got born-again and ruined his Sundays.

Lois: [coaching Malcolm on the Lucky Aide softball team] OK, remember. It's hips, then shoulders. It's just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants.
Stephanie: [later, the daughter of one of the softball players teases Malcolm] So, can I see the underwear dance?
Malcolm: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you... Would you?
Stephanie: Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet.
Lois: [Lois wants Malcolm on the practice field] Malcolm, let's go. We've got to get to your zit doctor before five o'clock.
Malcolm: [mortified] Mom!
Lois: What? Awhh, your friend doesn't care about that. Look at her face. She probably goes to the same doctor.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Garage Sale (#4.15)" (2003)
Lois: I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, he would rise to the challenge. Now, I'm not talking about giving him a key to the house or anything.

Lois: Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.
Hal: Okay. Reese... is hopeless.
Lois: Thank you.

"Malcolm in the Middle: The Grandparents (#2.15)" (2001)
Lois: You brought a live grenade into my home. ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?

Lois: [about her parents] But at least we can be happy when they're gone.
Malcolm: You mean when they drive back to Alaska?
Lois: Yeah. That's what I meant.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Water Park (#1.16)" (2000)
Hal: [Bursts into the boys room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Lois: [background] Oh my God!
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: Yes or no? No questions asked!
Lois: [background] Oh my GOD!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: OK. You're a good son.
Lois: [background] OH MY GOD!
Hal: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door] Don't worry honey. I got him!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Houseboat (#3.1)" (2001)
Lois: [yelling at Malcolm] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender? A registered sex offender!
Malcolm: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's like the worst thing I've ever done. We both understand I'm a terrible person.
Lois: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father!
Reese: Maybe I'm the good one after all.
[hands Lois some tea]
Reese: Here, Mom for your throat. I put a little honey on it.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Cheerleader (#1.12)" (2000)
Reese: [Malcolm in helping Reese practice cheerleading] Stick your arms out! We have to sell this!
Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?
Reese: Spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Reese: I said spread your legs
Malcolm: No!
Lois: It's time for the talk, Hal.
Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs!

"Malcolm in the Middle: If Boys Were Girls (#4.10)" (2003)
Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping?
Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.
Dewey: Mine do.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Reese's Party (#4.18)" (2003)
[Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy]
Hal: Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois: You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Health Scare (#3.6)" (2001)
Lois: [tensions have been mounting as Hal learns of a possible health problem, and the boys misbehave rather spectacularly] How dare you defy us like that?
Malcolm: Well we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor.
Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born. How could you be so heartless?
Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm: [whispering] Be cool.
Hal: [almost out of control] You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
Dewey: [oblivious] Can I have a napkin?
Hal: [he throws the napkin toward Dewey, still focusing on Malcolm and Reese] I cannot believe you two.
Lois: [losing it completely] All right, that's *it*! You're grounded for the rest of the school year.
Reese: You can't do that.
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Hal: [enraged] You do *not* talk to your mother that way, **ever**! You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not.
Reese: This family sucks. You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead.
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen]
Malcolm: What was that all about?
Reese: I don't know. She usually just says, 'I'm taking you with me.'

"Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm's Money (#7.10)" (2006)
Lois: [Dewey wants a new watch, but the family says they can't afford it] Hi Dewey, how was school?
Dewey: Terrible. I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was. And then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was. And then David Klassner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was.
Lois: You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half-past a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is.
Dewey: Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks.
Lois: [pointing] Room!
Dewey: Dirty!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm Films Reese (#5.5)" (2003)
Dewey: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is...
Hal: You have to go to school.
Dewey: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week?
Lois: [sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school.
Dewey: [happily] Okay.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Dirty Magazine (#5.9)" (2004)
Lois: [Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine] What's her name?
Malcolm: Who?
Lois: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.
Malcolm: [exasperated] This isn't about a girl!
Reese: A girl wrote the dirty story.
Hal: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.
Malcolm: That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian.
Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Mrs. Tri-County (#6.22)" (2005)
Hal: [coaching Lois for her interview in the Mrs Tri-County pageant] Now, no matter what question they ask, you remember to use your key phrases: empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need. And don't forget: end with, May God bless America!
Lois: Right, right. And when do I say the stuff about world peace?
Hal: No, no, no, no, no, no. We got rid of that. You don't wnat to come off like a liberal nut-case!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Academic Octathalon (#4.16)" (2003)
Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Halloween Approximately (#2.2)" (2000)
Lois: [about Hal] He's battling his arch enemy.
Francis: Is the squirrel back again?

"Malcolm in the Middle: Reese Joins the Army: Part 1 (#5.21)" (2004)
Francis: Mom! You're home early!
Lois: Yeap. Got fired.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: I gave someone two thousand dollars in change instead of twenty...

"Malcolm in the Middle: Butterflies (#6.17)" (2005)
Lois: Fresh fruit? All-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don't sell this stuff!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Watching the Baby (#5.2)" (2003)
Lois: Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper?

"Malcolm in the Middle: Dewey's Dog (#3.17)" (2002)
Malcolm: I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this?
Lois: The night you were conceived. You want more details?

"Malcolm in the Middle: Rollerskates (#1.13)" (2000)
Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom trying to drink from the milk carton] What are you doing?
Reese: Nothing!
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you *blue*, mister. Get a glass!
Reese: All right! Okay!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Stupid Girl (#4.4)" (2002)
Lois: It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster.
Reese: Hey, was that a shot at me?
Lois: Yes, honey. It was.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Kitty's Back (#6.5)" (2004)
[Lois has just punished Reese for his prank against Malcolm in wrecking Stevie's acceptance speech in Good Manners Awards show. She is vacuuming the house as he carries his peeled skin suit.]
Lois: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
Reese: Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now.
[The vacuum takes in Reese's snake skin.]
Reese: [shrieks] Noooooo.
Lois: It just took it.
Reese: That could've been me.
[unplugs the vacuum]
Reese: I need five minutes alone with the vacuum.
[Reese takes the vacuum and leaves.]

"Malcolm in the Middle: Robbery (#2.7)" (2000)
Lois: Oh, Craig. Why'd you have to say that? Dear, sweet Craig... I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am SO sorry for what I have to do now! Because now I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me Craig, it's for your own good. Number one: NO to everything you just said. NO to what you're thinking. NO to everything you dream. NO to your what-ifs, NO to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Number two:
[Lois injures Craig's wrist]
Lois: REMEMBER THAT PAIN. Whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the "hello" I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain.

"Malcolm in the Middle: The Bots and the Bees (#1.14)" (2000)
Lois: [to Commandant Edwin Spangler who has an eyepatch] Hey, where's your eye?

"Malcolm in the Middle: Sleepover (#1.6)" (2000)
Lois: You know how your father feels about evil puppet movies.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Tiki Lounge (#6.13)" (2005)
Lois: [shocked] You want me to lie to you?
Hal: It's not lying if what you say *would* be true if the facts were different.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm's Job (#5.6)" (2003)
Lois: Honestly, Malcolm where'd you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?... The truth is, work is hard and miserable, and nobody likes doing it.
Reese: [bursting into the kitchen, ecstatic] I have the greatest job in the world!
Lois: You got a job?
Reese: Yeah. With Hygienic Meat Packing. All I do all day is cut meat, with knives and saws. There's blood everywhere. And there's all these guys swearing in Spanish. And they pay me twelve bucks an hour!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Graduation (#7.22)" (2006)
Reese: What did I miss?
Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.
Reese: What I was just gone for a second.
Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.
Lois: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man.
Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed]

"Malcolm in the Middle: Francis Escapes (#1.7)" (2000)
Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Reese vs. Stevie (#7.3)" (2005)
Lois: Hal, has Jamie said anything in front of you yet?
Hal: [panicked] Whatever he said, he's a liar, Lois. He hasn't seen anything.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Hal: [quietly panicked] What are *you* talking about?
Lois: I'm worried about Jamie. He's - however old he is - and he hasn't said a word yet.
Hal: I thought that's what we liked about him.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Smunday (#1.15)" (2000)
Reese: I was really adopted, wasn't I?
Lois: No, you're ours. And we love you.
Reese: Damn.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Tutoring Reese (#2.19)" (2001)
Mr. Woodward: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to Junior College, or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Mr. Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
Francis: [Francis appears at the kitchen window, screaming] Mom, please, let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please. I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom, please, I want to be warm again.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Billboard (#6.10)" (2005)
Lois: [finds out what her boys are doing] Oh my God!
Dewey: Did you hear that?
Lois: What are you boys doing up there?
Malcolm: It's Mom!
Dewey: How did she know where to find us?
Reese: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess!
Dewey: Maybe she didn't see us.
Lois: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant.
Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us.
Lois: Come down, now!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Stock Car Races (#1.10)" (2000)
Lois: You are not a weirdo, you are gifted. And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it. Probably teaches you geometry.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Ida Loses a Leg (#6.14)" (2005)
Lois: Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Grandma Ida: They're making a living. Give 'em a break.

"Malcolm in the Middle: The Block Party (#5.8)" (2004)
Malcolm: The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

"Malcolm in the Middle: New Neighbors (#2.13)" (2001)
Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Zoo (#4.1)" (2002)
Lois: Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did; Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward, and it's painful, and you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed. We're going to the zoo.
Malcolm: Why are we going to go stare at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals and fat suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them?
Lois: Because I have a coupon.

"Malcolm in the Middle: College Recruiters (#7.12)" (2006)
Dewey: [duffel bag in hand] I'm all packed up.
Hal: Good for you. Are you going somewhere?
Lois: He's going to Francis's. Let's go over the rules again. When you are on the bus, what are you to do?
Dewey: Talk to no-one, don't let anyone sit next to me, try to look sickly and learning-impaired, cough every few minutes, and nose-picking's OK.
Lois: Encouraged! And what if you're on the bus for a few hours, and you have to go to the bathroom *really, really bad*?
Dewey: Still don't go.
Lois: That's my boy!

"Malcolm in the Middle: Experiment (#5.18)" (2004)
Dewey: I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head.
Lois: No, it's not.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Hal's Birthday (#3.15)" (2002)
Lois: Sorry it's so cramped, Piama. This van really isn't designed to carry seven people.
Piama: Oh, I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats and the seven seatbelts.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Family Reunion (#4.3)" (2002)
Lois: Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.
Hal: You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool there will be consequences.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Surgery (#2.17)" (2001)
Lois: Malcolm, what are you walking like that?
Malcolm: My side still hurts.
Lois: But it's the weekend.

"Malcolm in the Middle: Krelboyne Girl (#2.12)" (2001)
Malcolm: [Lois is sorting the laundry] Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: For cryin' out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?
Malcolm: [pleading] Mom...
Lois: Why are you not wearing your underpants?
Malcolm: [embarrassed] I want to wear boxers.
Lois: Oh, really! Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you my dear: you are getting *way* ahead of yourself.
Malcolm: [to the viewer] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.