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[talking about Malcolm's class picnic
: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother. Dewey
: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother. Lois
: That's right. She has two daddies. Reese
: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
: Is Malcolm a robot? Hal
] No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.
: Dewey, what did I tell you about raw meat? Dewey
: [mouth full of raw meat
] I'm not.
: Why do we have to get dressed like this? It's Reese's hearing. Lois
: 'Cause when the judge looks over at us, I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much. Dewey
: Why aren't they trying him as an adult?
: Just let me talk to him, and I can end this in five minutes. Sgt. Rowdy
: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think. Lois
: Think? My son doesn't think. He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around this city already. Hal
: [watching the TV coverage
] There's our drycleaner again. Dewey
: [handing the officer a nude baby snapshot
] Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV. Lois
: Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how. Sgt. Rowdy
: Trust me, we have this under control. Lois
: [spitting angry
] Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire. Sgt. Rowdy
: Ma'am, that almost never happens.
: Drink your milk. Dewey
: It's lumpy! Lois
: Then chew it.
: You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this. Dewey
: Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell!
: [after Dewey's stomach pump
] He's fine. We didn't find any candles, but we did find some marbles. And the waistband to a pair of underpants. Dewey
: Don't ask.
: What am I thinking? Malcolm
: I'm smart, not psychic. Dewey
: Can you understand dogs? Malcolm
: No. Dewey
] I can.
: [Lois forces the boys to do charity work for the Church, where their supervisor thanks and encourages them
] You boys should be so proud of yourselves. A lot of people are really going to appreciate what you're doing. You know, I'm going to say a special prayer for you. Dewey
] Yeah. That should make us even.
: [Malcolm addresses the audience
] I've been lying here thinking about God. I don't know much, just that He's this all-powerful, all-knowing being, kinda like Mom, only invisible. So, I feel better being on His good side for awhile. And you know what? We probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things. Reese
: [sees Dewey, kneeling, hands together
] What are you doing? Dewey
: Praying. Reese
: No you're not. He's got chocolate. Malcolm
: *Get him!*
: [to the Bible teacher Helen
] Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking. Helen
: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us. Dewey
: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them. Helen
: Well that's not - Dewey
: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them.
: There was nothing they could do about it. Helen
: But, I don't think - Dewey
: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better. Helen
: Well, that's good, but - Dewey
: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
: This will be the most magnificent day of my life. I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know. Dewey
: You're going to fry yourself on high voltage wires. Reese
: I'm not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey.
[Starts to float off
: This is incredible! I can see the top of Dad's car from here! Dewey
: I'll miss you at first! No, I'M as surprised as you are. No, I'm as SURPRISED as you are. No, I'm as surprised as YOU are.
: [to Grandma Ida
] We'll miss you. Grandma Ida
: Even the little one lies!
: All I ever had was being the youngest. Now I won't even have that.
: Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape... Malcolm
: Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street! Reese
: [Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat
] Every man for himself!
: That's my piggy bank. That was in my room. Reese
: Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it. Dewey
: It had sixteen dollars in it. Reese
: Waa-waa. Spilt milk.
: What d'you do if he catches you? Dewey
: Roll in a ball. Malcolm
: What if he starts kicking you? Dewey
: Stay in a ball.
: I don't take my legs for granted, Mom. Lois
: I know honey, you're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.
: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name? Dewey
: Ragina Tucker. Reese
: Hmm, we'll think of something.
: Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came. Lois
: He did? Hal
: Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars? Dewey
: I got a rock and a half a stick of gum. Lois
: Malcolm. Reese.
: Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed. Dewey
: Is one of the normal kids fat? Reese
: It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
: Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday? Dewey
: Yeah. Reese
: Well. Here.
[gives him a backpack
: Happy birthday! Dewey
: I already have a backpack. Reese
: Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I'm trying to give you something nice. Dewey
: But I'm not gonna take it. Reese
: Here, just hold it. Dewey
: No. Reese
: [pushes Dewey in his mattress
] Why won't you let me do something nice? You're gonna wear this and there's nothing you can do about it!
: Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you. Dewey
: Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day. Malcolm
: [to the camera
] You know, I'm not feeling that good. I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day.
: [the family is playing the board game March and Conquer
] Guess what? We look just like the family on the box. Hal
: Oh, yeah. Dewey
: Can I be the little girl? Hal
: Not on my watch, son.
: [Discipline is suffering while Lois is away at her sister's
] You crossed the line, mister. And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games, because I am at zero tolerance with you boys. Did you just roll your eyes at me? As long as you are living in this house, I demand your respect. Malcolm
: For what? This house is a pig sty. Everything in the fridge is expired. I found a piece of cake in the shower! Dewey
: That's mine!
: [the boys are watching TV after their bedtime
] How come she's allowed to be naked on the kitchen table, and I'm not? Reese
: Dewey, if a cop tells you to do something, you do it. Hal
: [Enter Hal
] What are you boys doing? I told you to go to bed hours ago. Reese
: Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, 'Go to bed'. You didn't say, 'Go to bed now.' If you leave us a loophole like that, I don't see how this can be our fault.
: I can't believe he could really be gone. Dewey
: I know. Wow, this diaper's gotta be a 5-pounder! Malcolm
: I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for. It's so weird. It seems like all my life I wished that something horrible would happen to Reese. And now that is has I... I... Dewey
: Miss him? Malcolm
: Yeah. Dewey
: I do, too. Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised? That was genius. Malcolm
: Remember the pure joy he got on Christmas morning when he was smashing our presents? No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom's face turn to that special purple color... Reese purple.
: Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way. Malcolm
: You have something in mind? Dewey
: [shows him a brochure
] This kind of caught my eye. Malcolm
: An art fair? Dewey
: Just think what Reese would have done with it. They've got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting... Malcolm
: They are kind of begging for it. I don't know... Dewey
: And rapping grannies. Malcolm
: Let me see that!
: Dewey, want to go with me to take the old couch to the dump? Dewey
: No, I wanna watch cartoons. Hal
: [in amazement
] Are you kidding? We're talking about the *city dump*. Mountains of smoldering garbage as far as you can see. Swarms of flies that block out the sun. Dewey
: [getting very interested
] Really? Hal
: Last time I was there, I saw a forty-pound seagull carry off a dog in its beak! Dewey
: [Francis is on the phone to Dewey
] Dewey, how did Aunt Helen die? Dewey
: Cats ate her face Francis
: No, Dewey. I'm asking about Aunt Helen. Dewey
: Cats ate her face. Francis
: Look, will you just put dad on the phone. Hal
: [Dewey hands the phone to Hal
] Hello? Francis
: Dad. How did Aunt Helen die? Hal
: Cats ate her face, here talk to Dewey he knows more about it than I do
: Why isn't there a flash flood when you need one?
: Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you? Dewey
: Take me to the ice rink! Reese
: Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there. Dewey
: But they have good hotdogs. Reese
: No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones. Dewey
: Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*? Reese
: I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something. Malcolm
: Okay, back inside the box.
: Does this means Reese's a girl now? Malcolm
: No Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut up. Malcolm
: Yes Ma'am.
: [Dewey's Soccer team go out of control when Hal tells them they are superheroes and the opposition are the bad guys
] Eat chalk, evil-doer!
[rubs other kid's face into chalk line on field
: Why do we have to go shopping? Lois
: Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers. Dewey
: Mine do.
[Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her
: Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn't see a thing. Lois
: Victim? I became a victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and found my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car! Dewey
: Where do I look? Malcolm
: There's no where to look!
: Dewey, I need to talk to Francis. Dewey
: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom. Lois
: Well, put Malcolm on the phone. Dewey
: He can't come to the phone. He's in the bathroom. Lois
: They're both in the bathroom? Dewey, what's going on? Dewey
: I have to go to the bathroom.
: Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom... Lois
: What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you. Dewey
: It said you'd say that.
: Come on, Gordo, one more bite and it's all gone. Dewey
: What are you doing with my rabbit? Reese
: Just giving him his afternoon bacon. Dewey
: He's too fat! You have to stop feeding him. I'm the one who has to sit through the Junior Farmers meetings while everyone makes fun of him. Reese
: Those people are small-minded idiots who have no idea what we're trying to do. Dewey
: What *are* we trying to do? Reese
: I don't know. I kind of had this vision of me riding him through town, knocking over cars. But that's probably not realistic.
: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin. Dewey
: He's my evil twin? Reese
: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin. Dewey
: But, I don't want to be an evil twin. Reese
: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
: [after Reese loses to a female wrestler
] Is Reese a girl now? Malcolm
: No, Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut Up! Malcolm
: Sorry, ma'am.
: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is... Hal
: You have to go to school. Dewey
: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week? Lois
] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school. Dewey
: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little
: community needs a school. Dewey
: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart. Hal
: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia. Dewey
: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food. Hal
: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.
: I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid. Dewey
: Probably more.
: Dewey, do you trust me? Dewey
: No. Reese
: Do you fear me? Dewey
: Not in the long run.
: Well, if anyone cares my flight number is five o... Malcolm
: Oh, hi mom!
: Dad! The toilet lid was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again.
: [Busting Reese on the intercom trying to drink from the milk carton
] What are you doing? Reese
: Nothing! Lois
: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again
: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you *blue*, mister. Get a glass! Reese
: All right! Okay! Dewey
: Can I have some milk? Lois
: Yes... but get a glass! Dewey
: [entering the boys' room
] What did you do? Malcolm
: What? Lois
: Don't give that look. What did you do? Malcolm
: Nothing. Lois
: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer
: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything. Lois
: [notices the curtains are closed
] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
: Are you done? Wanna frisk me? Lois
: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door
: [tied up on back of door
] That was close. Malcolm
: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.
: [eating carrot sticks
] I don't know what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.
: I kind of feel like I'm floating. Gretchen
: Vell, zat's probably ze ammonia.
[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked
: What's wrong with him? Lois
: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up. Malcolm
: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet
: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg
: I think he's thanking you.
: She's stealing Christmas. Malcolm
: Mom, you can't do this. Reese
: Yeah, this is the last year Dewey'll believe in Santa Claus. Dewey
: Someday, when you come back, and you're unemployed and have no place to live: you can come stay at my castle.
: I don't like ghosts, they eat little boys.
: What did I miss? Malcolm
: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to. Reese
: What I was just gone for a second. Dewey
: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this. Lois
: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV
] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man. Hal
: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed
: And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen - and we went to get Slurpees. Reese
: You did not. You just lied. Hal
: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it. Reese
: No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat. Hal
: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
: [Dewey wants to go to the arcade
] What are you, twelve? Dewey
: Okay, now you're all squeaky clean. Now go put on your pajamas. Dewey
: Hi Guys.
: [finds out what her boys are doing
] Oh my God! Dewey
: Did you hear that? Lois
: What are you boys doing up there? Malcolm
: It's Mom! Dewey
: How did she know where to find us? Reese
: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess! Dewey
: Maybe she didn't see us. Lois
: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant. Reese
: [bad Spanish accent
] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes
] Where's the back door for this thing? Malcolm
] It's a billboard! Dewey
] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us. Lois
: Come down, now!
: Dewey, what have I said about snitching? Dewey
: Only snitch when asked to snitch.
: Why are you so happy? Dewey
: Gorak gave me one of his Babies.
: [the Boys are playing Baseball indoors
] Malcolm: Two outs, man on first, pitch...
[Reese hits the ball and destroys a framed picture
: Oh man, we're so dead Malcolm
: That's it, game over! Reese
: Yeah... so I win. Malcolm
: What? Reese
: Past the lamp is a home run. Two men scored. Malcolm
: That was a foul ball! Reese
: Are you crazy? Dewey
: [lying on the floor
] It was foul. Reese
: Shut up, you're home plate, you don't get a vote! And it was fair! Malcolm
: Do over. Reese
: Fine by me.
[hits the ball and smashes a vase
: Oh, crap! Malcolm
: Now we *really* have to quit! Reese
: Yeah. But that was triple Malcolm
: Get back up there!
[resmues pitching stance
: [Hal forgets about Lois's dance class, and makes a poker date with Abe
] Great, now who am I going to go with? Dewey
: [as Lois looks around the kitchen, Dewey gets panicky
] Did Reese finish his homework yet? Reese
: Of course I finished my homework. Lois
: Good. You can come to dance class with me. Reese
: What? No, I was lying. I didn't finish my homework. I don't even know what my homework is! Lois
: Go get your shoes.
: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil. Lois
: They're all evil, sweetie.
: I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head. Lois
: No, it's not.
[Dewey promises to help one of his disabled classmates
: Dewey, I need your help after school. Dewey
: I'm already helping Hanson. Penelope
: But I need you. The sidewalks told me they wouldn't let me walk home anymore.