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: She can smell the fear. It's the pheromones... so the next time you are going to lie, have a shower first.
: [about fighting dirty
] Now, the first thing you need to know is that this is all about pride. Do you have pride, Craig? Craig Feldspar
: Yes. Reese
: Okay, that is not the answer I was looking for. You show me a man with pride and I'll show you a man with limited options.
[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked
: What's wrong with him? Lois
: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up. Malcolm
: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet
: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg
: I think he's thanking you.
[the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty
: For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head...
[a watermelon with eggs for eyes
: ...the torso...
[a garbage bag full of sausages
] Craig Feldspar
: What are those?
[points to a bag of plums
: You know what those are.
: Does this means Reese's a girl now? Malcolm
: No Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut up. Malcolm
: Yes Ma'am.
: [Malcolm in helping Reese practice cheerleading
] Stick your arms out! We have to sell this! Malcolm
: Can you move your hand a little to the left? Reese
: Spread your legs! Malcolm
: No! Reese
: I said spread your legs Malcolm
: No! Lois
: It's time for the talk, Hal. Malcolm
: I'm not spreading my legs!
: [Malcolm has just learned Reese wants to be a cheerleader
] Reese, you're a guy. Guy cheerleaders are the lowest of the low. Worse than band. Worse than Krelboynes. The only thing lower is that guy that never takes his hand out of his butt. Reese
: Oh, Chester? He's a cheerleader, too. Does a lot of solo work. Malcolm
: I tried to help him. I gave him advice. I tried reasoning with him. There's only one thing left to do. Sit back and laugh my ass off.
: Okay, Reese. I finished your essay. A guaranteed A. Reese's Girlfriend
: But I need an essay, and I can't afford an F. Reese
: [rips his essay in half
] Now we'll both get C's.
: You can't make me take a bath. I'll go outside and roll in the mud, and I'll go to bed that way.
: This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago. Reese
: What if we want to watch it again? Hal
: I found it in the dishwasher.
] Amazing race, How sweet the taste / That saved a wrench for me. / I once was in the lost and found / was blind, but found my keys.
: This will be the most magnificent day of my life. I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know. Dewey
: You're going to fry yourself on high voltage wires. Reese
: I'm not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey.
[Starts to float off
: This is incredible! I can see the top of Dad's car from here! Dewey
: I'll miss you at first! No, I'M as surprised as you are. No, I'm as SURPRISED as you are. No, I'm as surprised as YOU are.
: [singing amazing grace
] Amazing race, how sweet the tast, that saved a wretch for me. I once was in the lost and found, was blind but found my keys.
: Reese, we are not leaving Stevie behind. Reese
: Maybe it's his time, what do we know? Who are we to play God?
: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts... Puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over...
: [to Malcolm, when they are trapped in a carnival after hours with a drunken security guard chasing them
] Look, I just want to let you know I've always tried to be a good brother. If I ever hit you, or burnt your stuff, it was because you deserved it, and it was fun.
: [Yelling at Dewey while throwing rocks at him
] I'm trying to protect you.
: Kids like me are dreaming about something like this. We look around the playground, we see normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse. Who do you think's gonna get creamed. Dewey
: Is one of the normal kids fat? Reese
: It doesn't matter. He's gonna be fat every day, but the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
: Hey, Dewey. You know I never gave you anything for your birthday? Dewey
: Yeah. Reese
: Well. Here.
[gives him a backpack
: Happy birthday! Dewey
: I already have a backpack. Reese
: Not like this one. See this one has a whistle. Why are you flinching? I'm trying to give you something nice. Dewey
: But I'm not gonna take it. Reese
: Here, just hold it. Dewey
: No. Reese
: [pushes Dewey in his mattress
] Why won't you let me do something nice? You're gonna wear this and there's nothing you can do about it!
: Here's proof that I went to that all-girls camp. I have this thong right here. Malcolm
: That's probably just Mom's. Reese
: If it were Mom's, would I do this?
[puts nose into thong and inhales through nose
: [yelling at Malcolm
] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender? A registered sex offender! Malcolm
: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's like the worst thing I've ever done. We both understand I'm a terrible person. Lois
: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father! Reese
: Maybe I'm the good one after all.
[hands Lois some tea
: Here, Mom for your throat. I put a little honey on it.
: I can't believe I have to be in the same car as a low life like you! Reese
: Oh, I'm a low-life? You're the one that spends everyday at lunch sucking on a straw that's been under my armpit.
: I did it! I did it! Malcolm
: You passed the test? Reese
: I aced it. Lois
: You got five wrong. Reese
: Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be like a "C" student.
: There. Finished. Reese
: It's never been this clean before. Malcolm
: Uh-Oh. It's too clean. Francis
: You're right. She'll never buy it.
: Oh Malcolm, you should see this, Francis is kicking ass.
: [whispering to a wishing hole in a tree
] I wish Malcolm and I could be friends forever.
: You like clouds? Reese
: Yes, I like clouds! I call them sky kittens.
: I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth.
: Keys. Where the hell are the keys? Reese
: [Locked in a bass violin case
] I've got them, now let's go.
: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things? Malcolm
: Reese, that's what they're for. Reese
: My God. Women are the cows of people.
: I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid. Dewey
: Probably more.
: Dad, remember the chocolate soufflé I made for Thanksgiving two years ago? Hal
: Oh, yeah, that was... Reese
: RAT PUKE compared to what I have planned. The crêpes I made last Thanksgiving? Hal
: Oh, they were... Reese
: CRAP next to what we're having tonight. Don't think of this as a meal. This is like eating the Mona Lisa.
: Dewey, do you trust me? Dewey
: No. Reese
: Do you fear me? Dewey
: Not in the long run.
: Are you sure you're 18? Reese
: Yes, and here's the I.D. to prove it.
[shows him a fake I.D
] Sgt. Hendrix
: All right then, Private Jetson.
: Ok, I was thinking something like this lifeguard. Is there a straight guy version of that, cause that would be perfect for me.
: These girls want to fool around with us. Malcolm
: Only because we're losers. Reese
: Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
[Malcolm, Reese and Stevie have been picked up by some girls who want to use them to make their boyfriends jealous
: Haven't you thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Seponevic. Have you ever seen that guy? If he sees you making out with his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you! Reese
: I know. Malcolm
: Then why are you... Reese
: Because anything's better than the way things are now! I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?". So then she says, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right. Limo Driver
: Wow... that's awful, kid. You wanna wear my hat? Reese
: So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone'll say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Seponevic's girlfriend." And I can live with that.
: [having lit a huge firecracker
] Did it say when our vision would come back? Reese
: Box said two days. Francis
: Totally worth it.
: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom. Francis
: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right. Reese
: You take that back.
: Hey. This is supposed to be to Dewey from both us. Reese
: I picked it out. Malcolm
: I stepped in it.
: She's stealing Christmas. Malcolm
: Mom, you can't do this. Reese
: Yeah, this is the last year Dewey'll believe in Santa Claus. Dewey
: Good morning Reese; you going to get a job today? Reese Wilkerson
: You know I had a job Mom and looking back on the whole experience I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. I am done with the job thing. Lois
: I am sorry Reese but not working isn't one of your options. Reese Wilkerson
: Okay I think I know what's going on here. Now look I want you to know that I am not criticizing you and Dad. You obviously don't mind wasting your lives doing meaningless repetitive tasks for unappreciative bosses. I respect that. Lois
: Do you mind telling me what you intend to do? Reese Wilkerson
: I'd like to finish my cereal. Lois
: Alright Reese. That's it! I am tired of fighting you on this. Until you get a job, this free ride is over.
: It smells like dead squirrels in the wall again Hal. Oh my God it's you Reese! You smell like an open sewer! Reese Wilkerson
: And whose fault is that? Lois
: Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job. Reese Wilkerson
: Excuse me but I think I made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue. Lois
: Well you can't stay here like this. Reese Wilkerson
: Is that an apology? Lois
: No it is an invitation to live in the backyard.
] Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves! Malcolm
: Hi, Mr. Herkabe. Lionel Herkabe
: And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medeival on your permanent record. Reese
: Ask yourself this, what happened to the old dean of disipline?
: That's the good thing about cheerleaders. They stampede easy.
: [In response to Reese's insult
] You don't have any friends! Reese
] Mom told you you're never allowed to talk about that.
: You know, if you're not allowed to keep a squirrel in your locker, they should put up a sign. I'm not psychic. I can't read minds.
: Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape... Malcolm
: Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street! Reese
: [Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat
] Every man for himself!
: That's my piggy bank. That was in my room. Reese
: Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it. Dewey
: It had sixteen dollars in it. Reese
: Waa-waa. Spilt milk.
: He goes to parties, drinks beer, and goes skiing. Malcolm
: Right, genius! They do lots of skiing in Alabama.
: It's about Malcolm. Malcolm
: I didn't do it. Reese
: Yes he did it, I saw him.
: [finds out what her boys are doing
] Oh my God! Dewey
: Did you hear that? Lois
: What are you boys doing up there? Malcolm
: It's Mom! Dewey
: How did she know where to find us? Reese
: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess! Dewey
: Maybe she didn't see us. Lois
: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant. Reese
: [bad Spanish accent
] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes
] Where's the back door for this thing? Malcolm
] It's a billboard! Dewey
] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us. Lois
: Come down, now!
: Reese, give me your pocket knife. Reese
: Ok, but if you miss her you'll only make her madder.
[talking about Lois
: [Hal forgets about Lois's dance class, and makes a poker date with Abe
] Great, now who am I going to go with? Dewey
: [as Lois looks around the kitchen, Dewey gets panicky
] Did Reese finish his homework yet? Reese
: Of course I finished my homework. Lois
: Good. You can come to dance class with me. Reese
: What? No, I was lying. I didn't finish my homework. I don't even know what my homework is! Lois
: Go get your shoes.
: And, right, left, cha-cha-cha. And remember, God created artificial hips for a reason. Let's *use* them. And, back, two, cha-cha, finish. All right, very good. Everyone, let's pair up. Reese
: [the Teacher pairs with Lois, while Reese sees an old woman leering and coming toward him
] No way! Lois
: [thumps Reese on the head
] You be a gentleman. Reese
: [thinking out loud
] It's just like touching a dead person. It's just like touching a dead person.
: Don't worry. If I'd wanted to beat you up, you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now.
: Most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper; they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I want more.
: I'm completely defenseless. Malcolm
: Reese, she's four. You're bigger and smarter than... well, you're bigger.
: If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't clear your own name, you can only ruin someone else's.
: Since she made fun of your name, you just make fun of hers. What's her name? Dewey
: Ragina Tucker. Reese
: Hmm, we'll think of something.
: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who... Hal
: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you. Reese
: Okay, thanks.
: [the family, and community, have been evacuated to the school gym
] What are you doing with toilet paper? Reese
: I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the 'specially seasoned' meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price. Malcolm
: Y'know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed. Reese
: I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.
[Malcolm has just beaten up a seven-year-old
: I did something horrible. Don't you even care? Hal
: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake. Reese
: Besides it sends a good message to our enemies. Malcolm
: What are you talking about? What enemies? Reese
: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this they'll know were capable of anything.
: Oh, my God, we're lost! Reese
: [sarcastically to Dewey
] Oh, no, what are we going to do? Excellent, this'll get him cry. Malcolm
: No, we really are lost. Reese
: Oh, my God, what are we going to do?!
: So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet! Reese
: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away! Jessica
: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street! Malcolm
: The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.
: Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you? Dewey
: Take me to the ice rink! Reese
: Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there. Dewey
: But they have good hotdogs. Reese
: No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones. Dewey
: Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*? Reese
: I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something. Malcolm
: Okay, back inside the box.
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance. Francis
: Happier. Reese
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance.
: So, "Dad", you gonna ground me? Ed
: Geez, your counselor was furious. Reese
: All right, now that that's done, why don't we just go home? I could jump in your Jacuzzi, and you could throw something on the barbecue for me. Ed
: I have a better idea. Why don't we just go home? I could jump in *my*Jacuzzi, and *you* could throw something on the barbecue for *me*. Reese
: What are you talking about? Ed
: Well, let's just say, that with the information your counselor gave me, I could call your mom, and you won't see daylight for years. Reese
: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell your secret to your wife. Ed
: Well, I guess the question is, am I more scared of my wife... or are you more scared of your mother?
: [after Lois got mad at them for no special reason
] What's her problem? Reese
: Mom and Dad's life is so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.
: Hey, you look familiar. Have you been in our ride-along program? Reese
: Uh yeah, sort of...
: Dewey. I finally found out why everybody's been giving you money. There's this kid who looks just like you and he's been doing chores for everybody. I knew that everybody must have an evil twin. Dewey
: He's my evil twin? Reese
: No, Dewey, this kid's a saint. You're his evil twin. Dewey
: But, I don't want to be an evil twin. Reese
: Dewey, shut up. This thing involves money and an evil twin. We got to find a way to make this pay off... Let's go watch soap operas.
: [after Reese loses to a female wrestler
] Is Reese a girl now? Malcolm
: No, Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut Up! Malcolm
: Sorry, ma'am.
: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play? Hal
: That's great. It's not a musical, is it? Malcolm
: No. Hal
: That's great. Reese
: Dude, you play a fairy? Lois
: Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.
: You're the one I can talk to, you're my guy! Reese
: Really? I thought Malcolm was your favorite. Hal
: Oh, no. The smart one scares me. You're normal, like me!
: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar. Reese
: Yeah, it is. It's the thirty-first. Francis
: No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that's Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween. Reese
: [pointing at a calendar
] No, look, it is the thirty-first.
: What am I thinking? Malcolm
: I'm smart, not psychic. Dewey
: Can you understand dogs? Malcolm
: No. Dewey
] I can.
: [Busting Reese on the intercom trying to drink from the milk carton
] What are you doing? Reese
: Nothing! Lois
: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again
: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you *blue*, mister. Get a glass! Reese
: All right! Okay! Dewey
: Can I have some milk? Lois
: Yes... but get a glass! Dewey
: Reese: She's hiding something! I bet it's her big butt! When ever she backs up I will say "beep beep beep" Malcolm
: Malcolm: Reese, when will she ever back up? Reese
: When is her lunch period? I will sneak in and throw a piece of bacon at her! beep beep beep
: [entering the boys' room
] What did you do? Malcolm
: What? Lois
: Don't give that look. What did you do? Malcolm
: Nothing. Lois
: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer
: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything. Lois
: [notices the curtains are closed
] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
: Are you done? Wanna frisk me? Lois
: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door
: [tied up on back of door
] That was close. Malcolm
: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.
[talking about Malcolm's class picnic
: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother. Dewey
: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother. Lois
: That's right. She has two daddies. Reese
: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
: [Malcolm addresses the audience
] I've been lying here thinking about God. I don't know much, just that He's this all-powerful, all-knowing being, kinda like Mom, only invisible. So, I feel better being on His good side for awhile. And you know what? We probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things. Reese
: [sees Dewey, kneeling, hands together
] What are you doing? Dewey
: Praying. Reese
: No you're not. He's got chocolate. Malcolm
: *Get him!*
: It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster. Reese
: Hey, was that a shot at me? Lois
: Yes, honey. It was.
[Lois has just punished Reese for his prank against Malcolm in wrecking Stevie's acceptance speech in Good Manners Awards show. She is vacuuming the house as he carries his peeled skin suit.
: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting. Reese
: Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now.
[The vacuum takes in Reese's snake skin.
] Noooooo. Lois
: It just took it. Reese
: That could've been me.
[unplugs the vacuum
: I need five minutes alone with the vacuum.
[Reese takes the vacuum and leaves.
: Malcolm, I live in a world of 'what the hell's.
: [after being busted for trespassing on an artillery range
] Of course, we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You want to explain the theory, son? Malcolm
: Not really. Major Hughes
: This is a highly classified testing ground and I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons. Reese
: Know what nobody's mentioned? Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed. Malcolm
: [to camera
] Well, the great thing about this trip is the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation I think I'll be okay with it.
: What did I miss? Malcolm
: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to. Reese
: What I was just gone for a second. Dewey
: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this. Lois
: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV
] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man. Hal
: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed
: And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen - and we went to get Slurpees. Reese
: You did not. You just lied. Hal
: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it. Reese
: No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat. Hal
: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
: [Dewey wants to go to the arcade
] What are you, twelve? Dewey
: I was really adopted, wasn't I? Lois
: No, you're ours. And we love you. Reese
: Dude, this book's totally wrecked. What'd you do to it? Reese
: I threw it at a duck. Malcolm
: Well, where's your math book? Reese
: Which half? Malcolm
: We'll just start with Geography. Reese
: I don't take Geography. Malcolm
: Yes you do, you got a grade in it. Reese
: Ohhhh, that can't be good.
: You don't belong here, you belong at home. Reese
: All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.
[next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese's apartment
: I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.
: [the Boys are playing Baseball indoors
] Malcolm: Two outs, man on first, pitch...
[Reese hits the ball and destroys a framed picture
: Oh man, we're so dead Malcolm
: That's it, game over! Reese
: Yeah... so I win. Malcolm
: What? Reese
: Past the lamp is a home run. Two men scored. Malcolm
: That was a foul ball! Reese
: Are you crazy? Dewey
: [lying on the floor
] It was foul. Reese
: Shut up, you're home plate, you don't get a vote! And it was fair! Malcolm
: Do over. Reese
: Fine by me.
[hits the ball and smashes a vase
: Oh, crap! Malcolm
: Now we *really* have to quit! Reese
: Yeah. But that was triple Malcolm
: Get back up there!
[resmues pitching stance
: I'm going to go hit the monkeys - I mean, go see the monkeys.
: Guys! Guys! I just made an amazing discovery! When you mix blue and yellow together, you get a totally new colour! I call it... Blellow!