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: You are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person. Francis
: [On the phone
] Hey Mom, it's Francis. I just want you to know that I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma. Abandoning a helpless old woman on Christmas. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
: What are these doing in your closet? Grandma Ida
: They're gifts. For the family, for relatives. For friends. Francis
: But you never give presents... Oh my God, Donatello with pizza-throwing action? I wanted one of these when I was six. Grandma Ida
: I know you did. I bought that for you. And then, right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone, you called me "poopie" and hung up.
: Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade. Grandma Ida
: I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.
[Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells"
] Grandma Ida
: You do this... to torture me? To hurt me? Francis
: You don't like Christmas music? Grandma Ida
: It sounds like the song they sang when they would run through the villages and throw the babies into the fire. Francis
: They sang Jingle Bells? Grandma Ida
: They sang something.
: Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off? Grandma Ida
: After my Magnum P.I.
: Why don't you do the entire family a favor, and just die?
: [wrapping up some gifts while talking to Francis in Alaska
] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas. Francis
: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me. Lois
: Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish? Francis
: Well did you even invite her to your house? Lois
: [pauses for a minute
] She knows she's always welcome. Francis
: Hey, why don't we get on a bus and surprise you? Lois
: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this conversation. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.
: [finding door under stairs
] Hey, what's this?
[opens it and turns light on revealing lots of merchandise
] Grandma Ida
: Oh you don't want to look in there. Too sad. Francis
: But grandma, what are all these things? Grandma Ida
: They're gifts for the family. Francis
: But you never
[spots something and picks it up
: Oh my God. Donatella Ninja with pizza throwing action. I wanted one of these when I was in the 2nd grade. Grandma Ida
: I know and I bought it for you. Then right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you called me poopy and then hung up. Francis
: [makes weird face and then sees something else
] Is that the bread maker mom wanted last year? Grandma Ida
: If she wants bread so much, so should write back when a mother writes to her.
[picks a statue up
] Grandma Ida
: Oh I bought this for cousin Nichola. I spent the whole day shopping. Then she goes and marries a protestant.
[points to something
] Grandma Ida
: That video camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store.
] Grandma Ida
: All the nice things I do for people. Francis
: [astonished at all this
] Oh my God! You are crazy! I thought you were just evil, but you are completely nuts! Grandma gifts aren't conditional, they're gifts! You give them to people because you care about them! They don't even know you've upset them. You've built up this insanity! What kind of person does that? Grandma Ida
: A sad lonely person. What use is of all these gifts? They could have brought some happiness, but instead they just rotted here in this closet. Grandma Ida
: Oh my heart. Its melting. Francis
: What? Grandma Ida
: Oh Francis. You, you showed me the way by yelling.
] Grandma Ida
: Quick go get me my reindeer and we'll deliver these gifts to all the mean rotten selfish people around here.
: Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep? Grandma Ida
: You're sitting on it Francis
: Does it turn into a bed? Grandma Ida
: Yes, it becomes a bed.
] Grandma Ida
: It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid! Francis
: All right! It doesn't fold out!
: Isn't that the bread maker Mom asked for last year? Grandma Ida
: If she wants bread so much, she should write back when her mother writes to her. This was for Cousin Nicola. I spent a day shopping for it, then she marries a Protestant. That camera, for your father, right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store. All the nice things I do for people. Francis
: Oh my God, you're crazy. I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts. Grandma, gifts aren't conditional. They're gifts. You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them. They don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT? Grandma Ida
: A lonely, bitter old woman. Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could've brought somebody some happiness and instead they rot here.
] Grandma Ida
: Oh. My hear... My heart. I think it's... Melting. Yes, it's melting. You've showed me the way, Francis, by yelling at me. Quick, go get my magic sled. And me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas to other mean, rude, stupid people. We'll all join hands and sing songs and we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust and...
: Did you guys see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys: it didn't break the first six times, but did he quit trying? No sir...
: There. Finished. Reese
: It's never been this clean before. Malcolm
: Uh-Oh. It's too clean. Francis
: You're right. She'll never buy it.
: Oh, great, a one-way street. How does that work if I'm going backwards?
: Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals, the furrier the better.
: [having lit a huge firecracker
] Did it say when our vision would come back? Reese
: Box said two days. Francis
: Totally worth it.
: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom. Francis
: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right. Reese
: You take that back.
: [indicating note from boys
] I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic. Francis
] Is that last word 'lick' or 'wipe?' Piama
: I think you're safe either way.
: Okay, and now you're smiling, which means in about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.
: Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that... Francis? Francis
: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I... Malcolm
] You butt-wipe! How could you?
: Put Justin on the phone. Justin
: You the man, Francis! You the man! Francis
: Put Richie back on the phone.
: Hey, you can tear up the house if you want - with my mom here - and explain it to her, or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breathers you are. Francis
: What did he say? Richie
: He said a lot of things!
: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you. Francis
: I know, you guys would never do that to me. Malcolm
: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right? Francis
: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter. Malcolm
: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear. Francis
: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
: We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral. Francis
: Aunt Helen died? Lois
: Well, I sure hope so, we're going to her funeral.
: [Francis is on the phone to Dewey
] Dewey, how did Aunt Helen die? Dewey
: Cats ate her face Francis
: No, Dewey. I'm asking about Aunt Helen. Dewey
: Cats ate her face. Francis
: Look, will you just put dad on the phone. Hal
: [Dewey hands the phone to Hal
] Hello? Francis
: Dad. How did Aunt Helen die? Hal
: Cats ate her face, here talk to Dewey he knows more about it than I do
: My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Someone ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails." Francis
: I love you, too.
: I don't even know how to pronounce your last name. Piama
: [Malcolm and Reese want to get rid of some strangers in their house and call Francis for help, who talks to the leader
] You don't want me to get the cops over here, do you? And I'm sure you don't want me to tell them who pulled over the water tower. Donnie
: That was you, Francis. Francis
: Really? So what about the highway overpass? Donnie
: That was also you. Francis
: Car wash? The sink hole! Donnie
: All you! Francis
: Well, you guys want to be in the house and I think that's ok.
[the guy closes the door
: [to Malcolm and Reese
] I think we gave them enough to think about.
: Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the guy who can't run fast.
: [Otto has just learned that neighboring ranchers have torn down his fences again, as Gretchen arrives with lunch
] Gretchen, I did not mean for you to see me in my fury. Gretchen
: [Otto is outdoors, dressed only in a speedo, cowboy hat and boots
] Otto, I love your fury. Isn't Otto's fury magnificent, Francis? Francis
: I try not to look at his... fury. Otto
: If they tear this one down, we will make them suffer as they have *never* suffered. Francis
: Or we might consider trying to reach a compromise. Otto
: Do I look French to you? No!
: Our ranch has used this trail for over fifty years. We're not about to stop for a bunch of city boys playing 'horsey.' Francis
: Look, just because it's a dude ranch doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you.
[his cell phone suddenly rings, playing 'This old man, he played one... '
: Hey, cowboy, your fanny-pack's ringing.
: [about Hal
] He's battling his arch enemy. Francis
: Is the squirrel back again?
: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar. Reese
: Yeah, it is. It's the thirty-first. Francis
: No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that's Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween. Reese
: [pointing at a calendar
] No, look, it is the thirty-first.
: I don't know how much longer mom can handle all this: the double shifts, the bills, the meetings with the police and the lawyers... Francis
: Don't forget the missing son. Malcolm
: I'm going to find him!
: Mom! You're home early! Lois
: Yeap. Got fired. Malcolm
: What? Lois
: I gave someone two thousand dollars in change instead of twenty...
[Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking
: [on the phone
] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen? Malcolm
: What's the flavor? Francis
: I don't know. Malcolm
: Is it chocolate? Francis
: I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate? Malcolm
: No. I just like chocolate. Francis
: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
: Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?
: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back. Malcolm
: It's not like it was even our car!
: [on phone
] Hey, Francis. How's school? Francis
: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
: You don't belong here, you belong at home. Reese
: All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.
[next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese's apartment
: I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.
: [on the telephone
] They kicked Reese out again? Dewey
: Yeah. We haven't heard from him in two days. I'm actually impressed. Usually by now, he's eating cat food off Mrs Harvey's porch.
: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid. Lois
: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.
: I'm working for a moron. Lois
: Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your co-workers are incompetent and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.
: Calm down. I've been around bears for forty years and there's nothing to worry about. Francis
: Really? Logger Pete
: Yep. All we gotta do is stay really quiet. Pretty soon he'll get bored and fly away. Unless he's protecting his eggs ...
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance. Francis
: Happier. Reese
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance.
: [leading a troop of Buttercup scouts who are lost in the hills
] Girls, please! We have water, we'll find shelter, and I know the land. There's food all around us. Look, those are edible fungi called "truffles". Brittany
: Those are deer turds. Francis
: [to himself
] OK. Well, we're all gonna learn a lot this weekend.
: I still can't believe you convinced the newspaper to give us another review. Francis
: Honey, you of all people should know how persuasive I can be. Piama Tananahaakna
: You cried? Francis
: Like a baby.
: [knocking on the front door
] Are you going to open the door, or should I lie down in the grass and feed the worms? Francis
: Oh, great. Who opened the gates of hell?
: Wow, Mom, this is fantastic. I am so happy to be home for Christmas. Piama Tananahaakna
: You said this house was Satan's trash can. Francis
: [with forced sweetness
] You're quoting me out of context!
: Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Francis
: You're kidding. That's great. Otto
: [to Gretchen, passionately
] Oh, I wish I could chop you up in a million pieces so that I could share you with the rest of the world. Gretchen Mannkusser
: Oh, you are so romantic, my big Bavarian monkey-face!
[they kiss, and she leaves
: Francis, I am in so much trouble. Francis
: What's wrong? Otto
: I just found out what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary. She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks, so she called the factory in Innsbruck and somehow convinced them to hand-craft a cuckoo clock with a little Otto and a little Gretchen that come out and kiss every hour! Francis
: Wow. What'd you get her? Otto
: Some Dust-Buster filters and a bracelet I saw on QVC.
: There has to be some way to get rid of her. Piama
: All we know is she doesn't burn.
] Don't tell me not to cry! Maybe my tears will make an ocean, and you can sail off on a boat to a new life without me!
[Francis is being pursued by a gang and calls home
: [over answering machine
] Mom. Dad. Sorry I gotta whisper, but I'm calling from inside a washing... Hey, guys. What are you doing with those quarters? No! No! NO!
: [finds cadet Finley hiding
] Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard? Finley
: Poquito Cabeza! Francis
: Get out of there, man. Finley
: I can't. I've been marked by the Brothers of the Apocalypse! Poquito Cabeza! Francis
: Brothers of the Apocalypse? It's ridiculous. It's five seniors with limited imaginations. Finley
: Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say. You've got Stanley protecting you, and you're not holding Poquito Cabeza. Francis
: Would you stop saying "Poquito Cabeza"? Finley
: I can't. And I'm not coming out! Oh, could you turn in my math homework? Francis
: [erasing Finley's name and writing his own
] Poor Finley. He's good at math, right? Finley
: [the gang removes him from the closet, chanting "Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay. Fin-ley, Boom-ba-yay."
] No, No, please, somebody help, please! Stanley
: Stop. Fruit Loops?
[Finley hands him a cereal box, and Stanley motions for the hazing to continue
: [as gang carries him down the hall
] Please, please, help me...
: I don't need an assistant. Otto Mannkusser
: But the boy needs a job, and I have filled every other position here two times over. Oh please, Francis, I'm sure you can find something for him to do. Francis
: OK, I'll try. Otto Mannkusser
: Thank you, Francis. I know, I have a problem hiring too many people. But I'm getting help. I am seeing three psychiatrists about it.
: [to Dewey
] I was a terrible brother to Malcolm and Reese. I treated them way worse than they treat you. You know that scar on Reese's back? That's from a bayonet. Where did I even get a bayonet?
: Good job, dipwad. You got me in the nards.
: There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook. Francis
: Look under Pete Zahutt.
: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese. Lois
: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm
: What? Lois
: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to Junior College, or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving. Mr. Woodward
: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son. Francis
: [Francis appears at the kitchen window, screaming
] Mom, please, let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please. I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom, please, I want to be warm again.
[Lois continues to be frustrated over Francis and Ida as they continue to bicker
: I don't care if you knew the end of the Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it for me. You can't let anyone else be happy. Grandma Ida
: Shut up, monkey. Anyone with half a brain could see that the rocks were alive.
: What happened? Francis
: The other piglets were mean to him. Piama Tananahaakna
: Francis, you said last week you'd put that thing back in its pen. Francis
: I tried, but he's just so good natured and sweet, the others won't let him feed. I am not putting him back in there until I teach him to be more assertive. Piama Tananahaakna
: Either you return Ralph to his pen tonight, or he's gonna be looking up at you from an omelet.
: [the end of Francis' bedtime story to a group of young children
] And the little boy, about your age, was found hanging in the moonlight, strangled by his own intestines. And there was just enough life left in him to say: Francis
: [pointing at the children
] YOU'RE NEXT!
: Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies. Francis
: What about Ghandi? Commandant Spangler
] Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.