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: What d'you do if he catches you? Dewey
: Roll in a ball. Malcolm
: What if he starts kicking you? Dewey
: Stay in a ball.
: You wanna know what the best thing about childhood is? At some point it stops.
: Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay? Malcolm
: The man only has four fingers. Caroline Miller
: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and really look at... Malcolm
: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sunset, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - red paint all over my ass.
: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back. Malcolm
: It's not like it was even our car!
: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff. Malcolm
: I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together. Malcolm
: One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.
: If I give up now, I won't get the lecture. Lois
: You kids... Malcolm
: He goes to parties, drinks beer, and goes skiing. Malcolm
: Right, genius! They do lots of skiing in Alabama.
: It's about Malcolm. Malcolm
: I didn't do it. Reese
: Yes he did it, I saw him.
: I want a better family!
: Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash. Malcolm
: This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.
: Why do they keep doing that? Stevie Kenarban
: You're new. Malcolm
: Oh great, so I'm the freak of the freakshow?
: Oh sure, you're okay because this doesn't make any difference to you. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. Wait... who just said that? You're gonna take that the wrong way, aren't you? Stevie Kenarban
: You... suck!
: Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.
: Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying. No wait, it was!
: This is the world. 196 million square miles. If I covered 100 square miles every hour for the rest of my life, I'd only see half.
[We see Reese's nose
: And this is my brother Reese's left nostril. It squeaks... all night long.
[We see Dewey's feet
: And these are the feet of our little brother Dewey.
[We see a picture of Francis
: This is my favorite brother, Francis. So naturally, my parents sent him off to military school.
[We see Malcolm
: My name is Malcolm. You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard. Malcolm
: He's not ugly or dumb. Lois
: Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash. Malcolm
: [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience
] This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
: Does this means Reese's a girl now? Malcolm
: No Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut up. Malcolm
: Yes Ma'am.
: I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.
: [Malcolm in helping Reese practice cheerleading
] Stick your arms out! We have to sell this! Malcolm
: Can you move your hand a little to the left? Reese
: Spread your legs! Malcolm
: No! Reese
: I said spread your legs Malcolm
: No! Lois
: It's time for the talk, Hal. Malcolm
: I'm not spreading my legs!
: [Malcolm has just learned Reese wants to be a cheerleader
] Reese, you're a guy. Guy cheerleaders are the lowest of the low. Worse than band. Worse than Krelboynes. The only thing lower is that guy that never takes his hand out of his butt. Reese
: Oh, Chester? He's a cheerleader, too. Does a lot of solo work. Malcolm
: I tried to help him. I gave him advice. I tried reasoning with him. There's only one thing left to do. Sit back and laugh my ass off.
: There. Finished. Reese
: It's never been this clean before. Malcolm
: Uh-Oh. It's too clean. Francis
: You're right. She'll never buy it.
: Mom: 62,437. Kids: 0.
: I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
[Reese is holding a spoonful of mashed potatoes, aimed at Lois
: [to the camera
] It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I'll just simplify.
[points to Lois
[points to Reese
: Kid with matches.
: Did you call that girl? Malcolm
: Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else. Lois
: Well Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister - the woman who tok care of me everyday after school - had to die and inconvenience your social life.
: Mom, I hate wearing Reece's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog. Lois
: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.
: Now my brain is filled with mom-guilt.
: Social skills 10? Malcolm
: I have social skills, jackass.
[Malcolm is playing the video game "The Sims" with his family
: Why am I five hundred pounds?
: Sorry, Damn. Stupid. I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything... and I'm fat.
: Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny? Lloyd
: To be honest, you can be a little caustic. Stevie
: The word... is arrogant. Dabney
: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome?
[Lloyd and Stevie turn to look at him
: [points somewhere
] Hey, she's cute.
: Remember me? 'Moby Rick'?
: That was so hilarious. Malcolm
: I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although...
[Rick punches him
: [after Reese loses to a female wrestler
] Is Reese a girl now? Malcolm
: No, Dewey, he's a lady. Reese
: Shut Up! Malcolm
: Sorry, ma'am.
: I don't know how much longer mom can handle all this: the double shifts, the bills, the meetings with the police and the lawyers... Francis
: Don't forget the missing son. Malcolm
: I'm going to find him!
: Well, if anyone cares my flight number is five o... Malcolm
: Oh, hi mom!
: Mom! You're home early! Lois
: Yeap. Got fired. Malcolm
: What? Lois
: I gave someone two thousand dollars in change instead of twenty...
[seeing fireworks explode in the sky
: How do we know which one's the Komodo 3000?
[There is an explosion of light so bright that night turns to day for about five seconds
: ...Let's hope that was it! Francis
: Did it say when our vision would come back? Reese
: Box said two days! Francis
: Totally worth it!
: I don't believe it. You've turned into Mom. Francis
: Yeah? Well, sometimes Mom's right. Reese
: You take that back.
: What is that? Malcolm
: Looks like a fuse. Francis
: All right, what exactly are you planning? Malcolm
: We're planning to get you back! We want our brother back, the way he used to be. Reese
: We know how much you used to like fire, explosions...
[He hands Francis a lighter. Francis looks at it for a moment, then...
: Nice try! That was a long time ago. Malcolm
: Really? Francis
: [looks at the fuse again
] So where does this go? Malcolm
: Well, I suppose you could find out by crawling over the fence and following the fuse. Or you could find out... the Francis way. Reese
: We're sure you'll make the right decision. Francis
: Guys, I'm telling you, things are different now! I'm married, I have responsibilities. I'm just not a sixteen-year-old maniac anymore who...
[Hearing a click, he looks and sees his hand has already flicked the lighter and is holding it to the fuse
: Huh. Interesting.
: Mom said you ratted on us about Dewey's bike. But she's probably just mixed up, right? Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do something like that... Francis? Francis
: You don't know what kind of pressure I was under. I... Malcolm
] You butt-wipe! How could you?
: Hey, you can tear up the house if you want - with my mom here - and explain it to her, or you can quit and slink away like the monosyllabic mouth-breathers you are. Francis
: What did he say? Richie
: He said a lot of things!
: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you. Francis
: I know, you guys would never do that to me. Malcolm
: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right? Francis
: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter. Malcolm
: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear. Francis
: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
: [yelling at Malcolm
] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender? A registered sex offender! Malcolm
: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's like the worst thing I've ever done. We both understand I'm a terrible person. Lois
: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father! Reese
: Maybe I'm the good one after all.
[hands Lois some tea
: Here, Mom for your throat. I put a little honey on it.
: You know the other day at the store when I pretended not to know you? Hal
: Yeah. That was a new low.
: Why do we have to get dressed like this? It's Reese's hearing. Lois
: 'Cause when the judge looks over at us, I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much. Dewey
: Why aren't they trying him as an adult?
: I did it! I did it! Malcolm
: You passed the test? Reese
: I aced it. Lois
: You got five wrong. Reese
: Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be like a "C" student.
[Malcolm has just beaten up a seven-year-old
: I did something horrible. Don't you even care? Hal
: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake. Reese
: Besides it sends a good message to our enemies. Malcolm
: What are you talking about? What enemies? Reese
: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this they'll know were capable of anything.
: can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap and no one understands. Even you. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care. Stevie
: And yet... you keep... talking.
: Victim? I became a victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and found my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car! Dewey
: Where do I look? Malcolm
: There's no where to look!
: [Hal has forbidden the boys to drive the Mustang their aunt has given them
] This is torture! The car's just sitting there, and no-one can drive it. Reese
: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive.
: Kathy, Hi Kathy McCulskey
[roles eyes at Donny
] Kathy McCulskey
: You didn't tell me there were gonna be other guys here. Malcolm
: Yeah, well- Kathy McCulskey
: Just because you read something on a bathroom wall, doesn't mean its true.
: What's in the bag? Candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, "Sleepless in Seattle"... My God, you're gay. Malcolm
: No I'm not. Look, I don't know how I did it, but I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight. Reese
: Kathy McCulskey? I'm impressed. She doesn't leave her house for anything less than second base.
: [after Lois got mad at them for no special reason
] What's her problem? Reese
: Mom and Dad's life is so boring they have to invent stuff to be upset about.
: [tensions have been mounting as Hal learns of a possible health problem, and the boys misbehave rather spectacularly
] How dare you defy us like that? Malcolm
: Well we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor. Lois
: You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born. How could you be so heartless? Reese
: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls? Malcolm
] Be cool. Hal
: [almost out of control
] You were at a party? While we were here worrying? Dewey
] Can I have a napkin? Hal
: [he throws the napkin toward Dewey, still focusing on Malcolm and Reese
] I cannot believe you two. Lois
: [losing it completely
] All right, that's *it*! You're grounded for the rest of the school year. Reese
: You can't do that. Malcolm
: You're crazy! Hal
] You do *not* talk to your mother that way, **ever**! You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not. Reese
: This family sucks. You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead.
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen
: What was that all about? Reese
: I don't know. She usually just says, 'I'm taking you with me.'
] Hi Malcolm. Malcolm
: Look, we're not poor anymore! So I don't want any more of your stupid pity! Okay? Malcolm
: [to camera
] That helped... Right?
: [Hal is hospitalized after eating blackened peaches mistaking them for Olives and breaks wind
] First one who laughs get their ass kicked.
: This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.
: You like clouds? Reese
: Yes, I like clouds! I call them sky kittens.
: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways. Malcolm
: Trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us.
: That's the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs, and they say no. Then dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.
: Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy...! Malcolm
: No, mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers!
: I don't know what he did last night, but there's no hot water, and the toilet's full of sawdust.
: In our country, after the boy turns sixteen, he becomes a "baroche". We watch this boy for one year. When he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square where he must battle with the other boys for dominance. Malcolm
: Wait, up until this point they're still breastfeeding? Ida
] It keeps families close. Ida
: [resuming her dramatic narrative
] The boys fight each other with all their might. When it is over, the one left standing is the man. The rest are "dronska". Then more breasts are offered to the proud, young man. But these are not the withered spigots of the mother. No, these are the ripe, inviting, pleasure-domes of the virgins of the village, presented dripping with wine. Reese
] Our family comes from the coolest country in the *world!*
: Your pretty words don't hide your fear. Malcolm
: What? Ida
: You are afraid of the next trial because it is a test of intelligence. You are afraid to find out who is really the smart one in the family. He goes around with his nose in a book, sucking in facts. He doesn't have what we have. You and I have street smarts. Malcolm
: Oh, here we go. Every moron who's willing to act like a criminal is loaded with street smarts. Well, let me tell you something, Grandma, you're either smart or you're not. Saying you have street smarts just means you're willing to do things that smart, sensitive people are too decent to do. That's not a sign of intelligence. It's not. It's not!
[Malcolm, Reese and Stevie have been picked up by some girls who want to use them to make their boyfriends jealous
: These girls want to fool around with us. Malcolm
: Only because we're losers. Reese
: Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers. Malcolm
: Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you! Reese
: I know. Malcolm
: Then why are you... Reese
: Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?". So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right. Limo Driver
: Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat? Reese
: So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.
: [through crocodile tears
] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us? Stevie Kenarban
: You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray
: What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where? Joanne
: Right now. With us. In that. Reese
: [the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine
] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs! Joanne
: [later in the limo
] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks. Malcolm
: You want to make them jealous? Joanne
: No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down. Malcolm
: You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find? Limo Driver
: Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.
: What am I thinking? Malcolm
: I'm smart, not psychic. Dewey
: Can you understand dogs? Malcolm
: No. Dewey
] I can.
: I never even knew we had fancy silverware. When was the last time you used this? Lois
: The night you were conceived. You want more details?
: My dad's like a total fanatic about skating. He doesn't even call it skating, he calls it the brotherhood of the wheel.
: [after playing Hockey
] Good... Game? Malcolm
: [clearly out of breath
] This... Sucks. Stevie Kenarbin
: You... mocking me? Malcolm
: No... tired. Stevie Kenarbin
: Get... Skates.
[talking about Malcolm's class picnic
: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother. Dewey
: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother. Lois
: That's right. She has two daddies. Reese
: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.
: In the wrong hands, these chemicals could make a really powerful stink bomb. My hands look wrong enough.
: [the Krelboynes and Reese are discussing all the stuff they can get from the Church second-hand store
] Any porcelain tea sets? Not for me, of course, for my sister. Malcolm
: Isn't your sister at Vassar? Lloyd
] Look, do you want the cash or not?
: [Malcolm addresses the audience
] I've been lying here thinking about God. I don't know much, just that He's this all-powerful, all-knowing being, kinda like Mom, only invisible. So, I feel better being on His good side for awhile. And you know what? We probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things. Reese
: [sees Dewey, kneeling, hands together
] What are you doing? Dewey
: Praying. Reese
: No you're not. He's got chocolate. Malcolm
: *Get him!*
[Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking
: [on the phone
] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen? Malcolm
: What's the flavor? Francis
: I don't know. Malcolm
: Is it chocolate? Francis
: I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate? Malcolm
: No. I just like chocolate. Francis
: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
: It's amazing all the different kinds of kids you meet when you're tutoring after school. In the last six weeks alone, I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses and one imbecile.
: Hey. This is supposed to be to Dewey from both us. Reese
: I picked it out. Malcolm
: I stepped in it.
: She's stealing Christmas. Malcolm
: Mom, you can't do this. Reese
: Yeah, this is the last year Dewey'll believe in Santa Claus. Dewey
: [to the camera while in a tent in the yard
] Francis and Piama came to visit at the same time Grandma is here. Eight people, seven sleeping places - guess who gets the shaft? This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer.
: Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent.
: Malcolm's a genius, now Dewey's a genius. I guess it's only a matter of time 'til we find out that I'm a genius. I wonder what kind of genius I am? Fifteen times thirty-two is three thousand, nine hundred eighty-nine. Malcolm
: It's four hundred eighty. Reese
: OK, so I'm not Rain Man. Big deal. Some day they'll invent a machine that does that stuff for you, anyway.
: [Malcolm is desperate to help Dewey fail an intelligence test and stay out of the Krelboyne class
] We have to give exactly the same answers a real dumb person would give. Stevie Kenarban
: How do we... do that? Reese
: [enter Reese, in effect answering Stevie's question
] Guys, guys. I've been trying to figure out what kind of genius I am, and I finally realized, I should go to the Library. And you know what? You can get Internet porn there, and the librarians can't do anything about it! God, I *love* this country!
: Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape... Malcolm
: Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street! Reese
: [Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat
] Every man for himself!
: Just remember, as far as we know, Dewey has always been missing the tip of his finger.
: Dude, this book's totally wrecked. What'd you do to it? Reese
: I threw it at a duck. Malcolm
: Well, where's your math book? Reese
: Which half? Malcolm
: We'll just start with Geography. Reese
: I don't take Geography. Malcolm
: Yes you do, you got a grade in it. Reese
: Ohhhh, that can't be good.
: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese. Lois
: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm
: What? Lois
: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to Junior College, or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving. Mr. Woodward
: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son. Francis
: [Francis appears at the kitchen window, screaming
] Mom, please, let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please. I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom, please, I want to be warm again.
: [finds out what her boys are doing
] Oh my God! Dewey
: Did you hear that? Lois
: What are you boys doing up there? Malcolm
: It's Mom! Dewey
: How did she know where to find us? Reese
: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess! Dewey
: Maybe she didn't see us. Lois
: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant. Reese
: [bad Spanish accent
] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes
] Where's the back door for this thing? Malcolm
] It's a billboard! Dewey
] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us. Lois
: Come down, now!
: Reese, give me your pocket knife. Reese
: Ok, but if you miss her you'll only make her madder.
[talking about Lois
: You don't belong here, you belong at home. Reese
: All right, fine. Tell me one thing about my life that would be better if I still lived at home.
[next scene - Malcolm, Francis and Dewey are coming out of Reese's apartment
: I thought the toilet-seat-never-needs-warming argument was pretty good.
: Malcolm, there you are. You know Ira James, right? All-State fullback, state single-season rushing record... Who'm I kiddin'. He's probably never even talked to you. Ira's graduating this year. He's got interests from six Division 1-A colleges. Full rides. The problem is, each school wants him to write a personal essay on his application. Malcolm
: So... Coach Oleski
: So, Ira's an idiot. I mean, hamster idiot. And that's only if we're talkin' about a really stupid hamster. Ira
: Mom says I have other nice qualities. Coach Oleski
: Since you're the smartest kid in school, I want you to help him write his essays. Malcolm
: I wish I could, but I've got like three midterms next week. Coach Oleski
: Look, you don't understand. Ira is a football player. That means when he needs somethin', it's up to you non-football kids to do it for him. The cheerleaders understand it. Look, I'll make it worth your while. I'll let you out of gym for the rest of the semester. Malcolm
: I don't mind gym. Coach Oleski
] Sure you don't, braniac!
: Reese, we are not leaving Stevie behind. Reese
: Maybe it's his time, what do we know? Who are we to play God?
: Why are you so happy? Dewey
: Gorak gave me one of his Babies.
: The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone. Lois
: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
: I'm just saying, kids should not be blamed for how terrible their parents are. I mean, if Saddam Hussein had a son - well, maybe that's not the best example.
: [about her parents
] But at least we can be happy when they're gone. Malcolm
: You mean when they drive back to Alaska? Lois
: Yeah. That's what I meant.
: Grandma, I'm not going to hit you!
[turns to camera
: No kid should ever have to say that.
: [Malcolm shows the brothers evidence that they've been humiliated on the Internet
] The Schwabs sent out a mass eMail to everyone at school. They Photoshopped our heads onto a dirty movie. Dewey
: Gross! Reese
: That can't be a dirty movie. There aren't any girls in it. Reese
: [pause for recognition
] Oh my God! Malcolm
: I'm not homophobic. If the three of us were gay lovers, I'd be fine with this. But it's not true! Reese
] This is so humiliating. My abs are way more ripped than that guy's. Dewey
: [quietly, through clenched teeth
] We've got to respond.
: [Hal is obsessed with his sons' safety after he learns that his family's lapsed health insurance cannot be re-activated until after the weekend
] What does it take to keep you boys safe?... What's the matter with you boys. Don't you realize you could get killed? Reese
: Dad, I'm not gonna die. Hal
: What? Reese
: I'm seventeen. Hal
: And so you can't die? Reese
: I just don't see it happening. Hal
: I got news for you, Reese. Seventeen-year-olds die all the time. Reese
] Come on, Dad. That's just somethin' they tell you to so you stay off drugs. Hal
: That's it! You're all grounded, in your room, for the rest of the weekend. Malcolm
: You can't do that. Dewey
: I know I'm gonna die, Dad. Hal
: Nobody is dying in this family until the start of business Monday morning. Dewey
: [Hal locks the boys in their room
] Dad, why are you doing this? Reese
: We're gonna call child welfare, and this time they'll come.
: What are you? Malcolm
: You mean like, how old? Mrs. Griffen
: No, what are you? Pollack? Swede? Hipachi? Malcolm
: I really don't know. Mrs. Griffen
: Aw, a mutt. Well, whatever you are, stay away from my liquor.
: Okay, maybe I was trespassing and I did hip-check her. And who knows, maybe she won't be that bad. Maybe she'll be like a grandma. Well you know, not like my grandma. Like a nice grandma.
[Knocks on the door; Mrs Griffen answers
: Hi, I'm Malcolm. I'm the kid who broke your arm, I'm real sorry. Mrs. Griffen
: [Hands him a jar
] Fill this up. I'm not having any druggies in my house.
: Malcolm, what are you walking like that? Malcolm
: My side still hurts. Lois
: But it's the weekend.
: Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you. Dewey
: Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day. Malcolm
: [to the camera
] You know, I'm not feeling that good. I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day.
: I can't believe he could really be gone. Dewey
: I know. Wow, this diaper's gotta be a 5-pounder! Malcolm
: I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for. It's so weird. It seems like all my life I wished that something horrible would happen to Reese. And now that is has I... I... Dewey
: Miss him? Malcolm
: Yeah. Dewey
: I do, too. Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised? That was genius. Malcolm
: Remember the pure joy he got on Christmas morning when he was smashing our presents? No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom's face turn to that special purple color... Reese purple.
: Maybe we honor Reese the wrong way. Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds. He loved to smash things and destroy stuff for no reason. If we want to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way. Malcolm
: You have something in mind? Dewey
: [shows him a brochure
] This kind of caught my eye. Malcolm
: An art fair? Dewey
: Just think what Reese would have done with it. They've got fold dancing, dream catchers, face-painting... Malcolm
: They are kind of begging for it. I don't know... Dewey
: And rapping grannies. Malcolm
: Let me see that!
: [Bursts into the boys room
] Who wants to make 5 bucks? Malcolm
: How? Lois
] Oh my God! Malcolm
: What did you do? Hal
: Yes or no? No questions asked! Lois
] Oh my GOD! Malcolm
: Make it 10. Hal
: OK. You're a good son. Lois
] OH MY GOD! Hal
: [grabs Malcolm and opens the door
] Don't worry honey. I got him!
: [the family, and community, have been evacuated to the school gym
] What are you doing with toilet paper? Reese
: I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the 'specially seasoned' meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price. Malcolm
: Y'know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed. Reese
: I guess when people are miserable and suffering, it brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.
: Oh, my God, we're lost! Reese
: [sarcastically to Dewey
] Oh, no, what are we going to do? Excellent, this'll get him cry. Malcolm
: No, we really are lost. Reese
: Oh, my God, what are we going to do?!
: So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet! Reese
: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here everyday like you own the place! Go back outside and knock, and then go away! Jessica
: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans down the street! Malcolm
: The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.
: Okay, let's think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you? Dewey
: Take me to the ice rink! Reese
: Why would you want to go to the ice rink? It's cold there. Dewey
: But they have good hotdogs. Reese
: No, they suck! The ones at the train station are the good ones. Dewey
: Why would a *diving board* want to go to the *train station*? Reese
: I dunno, maybe it wants to visit relatives, or something. Malcolm
: Okay, back inside the box.
: Did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck? Did it?
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance. Francis
: Happier. Reese
: Happy Dance, Happy Dance, we love to do the Happy Dance.
: Why do we have to go shopping? Lois
: Because you ruin everything you own. Your clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers. Dewey
: Mine do.
: Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around! Malcolm
: You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. I mean, right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000mph. That's rotational velocity. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000mph. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding. Dewey
: [Lois unintentionally infects Malcolm with her mononucleosis
] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the 'kissing disease' from Mom. Which will happen right about... Reese
: [he hits his computer mouse to 'send'
] ... now! Malcolm
: I didn't kiss her, you saw it. Reese
: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey? Dewey
: It was disgusting. Malcolm
: She licked her finger and touched my face. Reese
: Spare us the perv details.
: Hal, why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun? I could use the time alone, anyway, to straighten up the house before the baby comes. Piama
: I can help you clean. Lois
: [trying to disguise her resentment of Piama
] Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company. Hal
: Hey, there's a car show at the convention center. Malcolm
: Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own. Lois
: Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.
: Can I have the potatoes? Hal
: You can have anything you want son if you're willing to work for it, just reach for the stars and never let go. I should've told you that a long time ago. And when you write an angry letter hold on to it for a day, you might not feel the same in the morning, and NEVER invest in a friend's restaurant, never...
: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play? Hal
: That's great. It's not a musical, is it? Malcolm
: No. Hal
: That's great. Reese
: Dude, you play a fairy? Lois
: Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.
: You missed it. It was so awesome. Malcolm
: What? Dewey
: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard - with your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone and landed in an open grave! Reese
: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death. Malcolm
: I've been sitting here bored out of my mind for four hours. Why didn't you invite me? Dewey
: Didn't we? Malcolm
: No, you didn't. You walked right by me. I thought you were going out to the garage. Reese
: Huh! Oh, well. Malcolm
: It's not a big deal. It's just that my feelings are kinda... Malcolm
: [he turns to the camera, addressing us viewers
] Oh, crap! Reese
: Your what are kind of what? Malcolm
: Nothing. Forget it! Reese
: [sensing a rare opportunity to humiliate his brother
] I think somebody has feelings, Dewey. Malcolm
: I do not. Reese
: We gotta make this right. Dewey
: [deftly following Reese's lead
] Group hug? Reese
: Awwww, listen to those feelings. Reese
: [Dewey and Reese approach Malcolm with their arms outstretched
] Come here, you! Malcolm
: Get away from me! Malcolm
: [again speaking to the camera and us, the audience
] In our house, *that's* the "F" word.
: [Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine
] What's her name? Malcolm
: Who? Lois
: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute. Malcolm
] This isn't about a girl! Reese
: A girl wrote the dirty story. Hal
: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you. Malcolm
: That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian. Lois
: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.
: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things? Malcolm
: Reese, that's what they're for. Reese
: My God. Women are the cows of people.
: Apparently the difference between a stink bomb and a Level 3 toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am totally suing that Web site.
: This is why orphans get all the hot girls.
: Reese: She's hiding something! I bet it's her big butt! When ever she backs up I will say "beep beep beep" Malcolm
: Malcolm: Reese, when will she ever back up? Reese
: When is her lunch period? I will sneak in and throw a piece of bacon at her! beep beep beep
: [entering the boys' room
] What did you do? Malcolm
: What? Lois
: Don't give that look. What did you do? Malcolm
: Nothing. Lois
: Well, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I... took a look in here!
[opens a drawer
: Mom, I'm telling you. we didn't do anything. Lois
: [notices the curtains are closed
] If you've broken another window, it's coming out of your...
: Are you done? Wanna frisk me? Lois
: You just consider yourselves lucky.
[leaves then immediately returns, then closes door
: [tied up on back of door
] That was close. Malcolm
: Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.
: OK, here's your book report. It's a guaranteed "A". Reese
: Thank you. Alison
: Oh, I totally forgot to do mine, and... and I can't afford to get another "F". Reese
: No problem. Reese
: [He tears the report in half
] Now we'll both get "C"s.
: When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now.
[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked
: What's wrong with him? Lois
: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up. Malcolm
: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet
: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg
: I think he's thanking you.
: What's that? Malcolm
: A stripped car Stevie
: What's that? Malcolm
: A naked man arguing with the wall. Stevie
: What's that? Malcolm
: A nudy book store - with my dad coming out of it.
: We have the choice people have had for centuries... we can choose to fail. Dabney
: Like the French?
] Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves! Malcolm
: Hi, Mr. Herkabe. Lionel Herkabe
: And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medeival on your permanent record. Reese
: Ask yourself this, what happened to the old dean of disipline?
: [Reese thinks his Army buddy is hot for him
] You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster. Malcolm
: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you. Reese
: It's just wrong. She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had. But in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way. Malcolm
: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her. Reese
: It's hard to say. Now when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment. Malcolm
: That's love, dude. Reese
: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.
: [Lois begins making a scene when she learns the pizza restaurant has been charging a hidden gratuity fee
] Oh no, is this going to be shoe-store bad, or circus bad? Malcolm
: I think it's going to be ten-items-or-less-aisle bad. Hal
: Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go... Dewey
: [days later, at home
] I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like. Reese
: I told you not to brush your teeth.
: [after being busted for trespassing on an artillery range
] Of course, we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You want to explain the theory, son? Malcolm
: Not really. Major Hughes
: This is a highly classified testing ground and I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons. Reese
: Know what nobody's mentioned? Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed. Malcolm
: [to camera
] Well, the great thing about this trip is the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation I think I'll be okay with it.
: [coaching Malcolm on the Lucky Aide softball team
] OK, remember. It's hips, then shoulders. It's just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants. Stephanie
: [later, the daughter of one of the softball players teases Malcolm
] So, can I see the underwear dance? Malcolm
: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you... Would you? Stephanie
: Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet. Lois
: [Lois wants Malcolm on the practice field
] Malcolm, let's go. We've got to get to your zit doctor before five o'clock. Malcolm
] Mom! Lois
: What? Awhh, your friend doesn't care about that. Look at her face. She probably goes to the same doctor.
: What did I miss? Malcolm
: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to. Reese
: What I was just gone for a second. Dewey
: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this. Lois
: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV
] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man. Hal
: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal is electrocuted and the boys laugh at it as Lois leaves embarrassed
: [In response to Reese's insult
] You don't have any friends! Reese
] Mom told you you're never allowed to talk about that.
] Hey, guys. I was digging around in the garage, and I found the spare key to Dad's car. Malcolm
: Do you know what this means? Reese
] We can key stuff! Malcolm
: No, we have mobility. We can drive over to the next city. Reese
: And key stuff there! Malcolm
: And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there - Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want. And if we get caught, they'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime! Dewey
: I was thinking we could drive to the arcade. Reese
] Arcade? What are you, twelve? Dewey
: [as if it should be obvious
: [Malcolm has been trying to keep his tongue piercing secret, but he eats some hot food and has to make an excuse to leave the dinner table
] I need to be alone. Ida
: You should get him a woman before it's too late. An ugly one. They're cheaper, they work harder.
: [the Boys are playing Baseball indoors
] Malcolm: Two outs, man on first, pitch...
[Reese hits the ball and destroys a framed picture
: Oh man, we're so dead Malcolm
: That's it, game over! Reese
: Yeah... so I win. Malcolm
: What? Reese
: Past the lamp is a home run. Two men scored. Malcolm
: That was a foul ball! Reese
: Are you crazy? Dewey
: [lying on the floor
] It was foul. Reese
: Shut up, you're home plate, you don't get a vote! And it was fair! Malcolm
: Do over. Reese
: Fine by me.
[hits the ball and smashes a vase
: Oh, crap! Malcolm
: Now we *really* have to quit! Reese
: Yeah. But that was triple Malcolm
: Get back up there!
[resmues pitching stance
: I'm completely defenseless. Malcolm
: Reese, she's four. You're bigger and smarter than... well, you're bigger.
: Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did; Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward, and it's painful, and you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed. We're going to the zoo. Malcolm
: Why are we going to go stare at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals and fat suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them? Lois
: Because I have a coupon.
: [to the camera
] It's weird, all my life, Dad has been getting up every morning and dragging himself to a job he hates with every fiber of his being. I can't believe I never noticed. I guess I've been pretty self-centered... Oh, my God... What if that happens to me?
: [Malcolm hangs up the 'phone as Hal walks in
] If that wasn't a relative, I'm going to be very upset. Malcolm
: Just another college recruiter. Hal
: [upset, as predicted
] Just another college recruiter? Y'know, when I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may not have pursued higher education at all. Malcolm
: But they're calling me all the time. I must get ten calls a day. Hal
: Then each one must be handled like that's the university you're going to. It's called 'options'. Why do you think guys date ugly women?
: We have asbestos in our ceiling! Yay!
: [as Hal and the boys begin to sell Christmas trees
] Dad, stop worrying. We can do this. With what we spent on trees and truck rental, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67. Reese
: Then let's just sell that tree first.
: [Discipline is suffering while Lois is away at her sister's
] You crossed the line, mister. And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games, because I am at zero tolerance with you boys. Did you just roll your eyes at me? As long as you are living in this house, I demand your respect. Malcolm
: For what? This house is a pig sty. Everything in the fridge is expired. I found a piece of cake in the shower! Dewey
: That's mine!
: [Lois is sorting the laundry
] Mom, what are you doing? Lois
: For cryin' out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing? Malcolm
] Mom... Lois
: Why are you not wearing your underpants? Malcolm
] I want to wear boxers. Lois
: Oh, really! Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you my dear: you are getting *way* ahead of yourself. Malcolm
: [to the viewer
] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.
: [being about to suffocate in his car
] Stevie was right... and so was Reese. This makes it easier. I don't want to live in a world where Reese is right.