Jo McGuire
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Quotes for
Jo McGuire (Character)
from "Lizzie McGuire" (2001)

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"Lizzie McGuire: Clue-Less (#2.23)" (2003)
Jo McGuire: Shrimp?
Ethan's Stepmom: Uh, uh. I'm 5'10" in heels.
David 'Gordo' Gordon: It must be something in the water at Ethan's house.

Jo McGuire: That's it! I did it and I'd do it again. McGuffin promised to marry me, but he cheated on me. He cheated it all straights and he cheated on his taxes! He's a monster, a louser, and I'm glad he's dead. I'm happy about it don't you see? He's dead! He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead. I'm happy about it!
Sam McGuire: Honey, honey.
Jo McGuire: Wa-? Oh... well. Gordo caught me.

Matt McGuire: Don't anybody touch anything! I am Inspector Pratt and I am here to inspect!
Lizzie McGuire: Matt, what are you doing here?
Matt McGuire: I just wanted to see who croaked dad!
Lizzie McGuire: Well, you can do that somewhere else, like in the Sahara Desert?
Matt McGuire: Mom!
Jo McGuire: Lizzie, let your bother play.
Lizzie McGuire: Ow!
Matt McGuire: I think I'll go study this in the parlor.


The Lizzie McGuire Movie (2003)
Jo McGuire: Honey, just yesterday you were in diapers - now you've graduated junior high, and you're growing up, going to Rome for two weeks all by yourself. Without me. Without me there. Without me with you. You there without me.
Lizzie McGuire: That's just about all the combinations of those words you can make, Mom.

[trying to get assistance from the hotel desk clerk]
Jo McGuire: That's McGuire, Lizzie McGuire.
Giorgio: Yes, we are in the travel guides.
Jo McGuire: No, no, we're the parents of Lizzie.
Giorgio: Ah. l Via Liuzzi. I call a cab. Is very far.
Jo McGuire: Anyone else want to get up to the plate?


"Lizzie McGuire: The Untitled Stan Jansen Project (#1.22)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: [to Lizzie] Honey, this is the third time you've changed this morning.
Matt McGuire: Yeah, and it keeps getting worse.

Jo McGuire: [after Lizzie tells her she had a fight with her friends] So, what was the secret?
Lizzie: Oh, that I... I had a crush on Gordo in the fourth grade.
Jo McGuire: I KNEW it!


"Lizzie McGuire: Rated Aargh (#1.18)" (2001)
Matt: Yeah mom, you rock!
Jo McGuire: It's true, I do.

[slides into kitchen, looking cautiously at her mom and then slides back out of view, scared]
Animated Lizzie: [hiding behind a huge banana in a fruit basket] This is never gonna work.
Lizzie: [slides back; bravely walks to her mom] Mom? Can I ask you something?
Animated Lizzie: [now behind an orange and banana in the oversized basket and next to an apple] This is never gonna work!
Jo McGuire: Sure, Sweetie. What's up?
Lizzie: Uh, can I go play miniature golf with Gordo and Miranda this weekend?
Animated Lizzie: [shaking head, now on edge of bowl in the front, eyes wide] This is never gonna work!
Jo McGuire: [uppity] Sure. That sounds fun.
Animated Lizzie: What?
[slides out of bowl and puts arms up in questioning stance and Lizzie excitedly toddles out of the room]


"Lizzie McGuire: Best Dressed for Much Less (#2.12)" (2002)
Sam McGuire: I remember Coco. She was hot.
Jo McGuire: She was not hot. She was just well dressed.

Jo McGuire: You used all the paper on copies of your picture?
Matt McGuire: They're not for me. They're for my fans.


"Lizzie McGuire: A Gordo Story (#2.26)" (2003)
Jo McGuire: My grandparents came here from Poland during World War II. My grandfather worked in an assemble line in the candy factory, and my grandmother worked in a hospital, making beds.
Matt McGuire: Interesting.
[pauses]
Matt McGuire: Please tell me you've got something better than that? PLEASE!


"Lizzie McGuire: First Kiss (#2.1)" (2002)
Matt: Well, Malina has the baseball card I want but she'll only give it to me if I meet her demands.
Sam McGuire: That's extortion.
Jo McGuire: That's brilliant.


"Lizzie McGuire: Night of the Day of the Dead (#1.24)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: [she and Sam throw water and oatmeal on Miranda's parents before realizing who they are] Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, we thought you were a trick-or-treater!
Mrs. Sanchez: [dryly] I see, we give them *candy* at our house.


"Lizzie McGuire: Gordo's Bar Mitzvah (#1.31)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: Hey, Mrs. Robinson...
[notices that Mrs. Robinson is holding Matt after his collar]
Jo McGuire: Matt, what did you do this time?
Matt McGuire: It's all a misunderstanding...
Mrs. Robinson: He was stealing oranges from my tree. Again!
Sam McGuire: Is this true, Matt?
Matt McGuire: Well, "stealing" is such a... strong word!


"Lizzie McGuire: My Dinner with Dig (#2.32)" (2003)
Lizzie McGuire: Okay, so even though Mr. Dig is my favorite sub, I should never have invited him to dinner. But since I did, you guys have to be on your best behavior.
Sam McGuire: Does it mean I shouldn't sing?
Jo McGuire: Oh, I love it when he sings!
Lizzie McGuire: Since when do you sing, Dad?
Sam McGuire: Well, rarely, because I'm always on my best behavior.


"Lizzie McGuire: Xtreme Xmas (#2.20)" (2002)
David 'Gordo' Gordon: And the old folks won't have anywhere to spend Christmas. Bummer.
Matt McGuire: Couldn't they stay with us? I can share my room.
Jo McGuire: Oh, honey, there are two-hundred-and-forty of them.
Matt McGuire: They can share Lizzie's room too!


"Lizzie McGuire: Jack of All Trades (#1.6)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: Why do you want to be called "M-Dogg?"
Matt: Because there are four Matt's in my class.
Sam McGuire: I knew we should have named him "Dillon."
Matt: There are seven Dillons.


"Lizzie McGuire: Rise and Fall of Kate (#2.4)" (2002)
Sam McGuire: Are you sure we need to talk to him? He's just excited about the play.
Matt: [behind the door] Mirror, mirror on the wall; who's the greatest actor of them all?
Sam McGuire: After you.
Jo McGuire: After you.


"Lizzie McGuire: Bad Girl McGuire (#1.11)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: Matt, you're supposed to be home when the street lights come on, and the street lights have been on for...
[looks at the clock]
Jo McGuire: ... exactly seven minutes!


"Lizzie McGuire: El Oro de Montezuma (#2.2)" (2002)
Lizzie McGuire: Mom, dad, can I ask you guys a question?
Jo McGuire: Sure.
Lizzie McGuire: Where did I come from?
Jo McGuire: Well, I'm from Wala Wala, Washington.
Sam McGuire: And I'm from Kalamazoo.
Lizzie McGuire: [animated Lizzie] Face it. My parents are aliens.
Lizzie McGuire: No, not like that. I mean where did our family come from.
Jo McGuire: I'm Polish, Swedish, French, Swiss, German, Hungarian and all the countries with heavy food. And you're what Scottish or Irish?


"Lizzie McGuire: Between a Rock and a Bra Place (#1.12)" (2001)
[Lizzie has just blurted out to her mother that she and Miranda want to go to the mall to buy their first bras. Gordo is a little freaked out by this revelation]
David 'Gordo' Gordon: Mrs. McGuire, suddenly I don't want to go with you guys to the mall anymore.
Jo McGuire: That's okay. You're uninvited.
[Jo walks off with Lizzie and Miranda]
Sam McGuire: Well, how about those, um, Mets? Huh?
Matt: I don't care. I'm just glad we're not doing anything that has to do with bras.
David 'Gordo' Gordon: I have to go home and do something. Anything. Anything but this.


"Lizzie McGuire: Aaron Carter's Coming to Town (#1.7)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: [to Gordo and Miranda] You guys gonna stay for dinner?
Gordo: Mrs. McGuire, have we *ever* turned down a free meal?
Jo McGuire: I'll take that as a "yes."


"Lizzie McGuire: Party Over Here (#2.18)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: Sam, you flinched for your driver's licence picture.
Sam McGuire: Honey, this is something Matt really wants to do, and I can get over being a little camera shy for one day. That's why I AM the fun dad! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO!


"Lizzie McGuire: Movin' on Up (#2.17)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: Mom! Mom! She's our man, if she can't do it no one can! Go ME!


"Lizzie McGuire: Inner Beauty (#2.16)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: We'll have to encourage him. Artists are very sensitive.
Sam McGuire: Sensitive? Matt eats mud!


"Lizzie McGuire: Rumors (#1.1)" (2001)
[after Matt's lizard dies]
Sam McGuire: You know, I swear that manual didn't say a thing about changing the water.
Jo McGuire: Whatever... murderer.


"Lizzie McGuire: The Longest Yard (#2.7)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: [after Lizzie gets off the phone] Nice of you to join us.
Lizzie McGuire: Sorry.
Matt McGuire: It's not THAT nice.


"Lizzie McGuire: Just Friends (#2.8)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: And since when did you become such an expert on teenage girls?
Sam McGuire: Well, I got dumped by enough of them. I got cut loose by every girl I ever liked.