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: All right, tell me what you know that I don't. Matt McGuire
: Dad, it's only a fourteen-hour flight.
: Miss Ungermeyer says Lizzie's very well chaperoned. Matt McGuire
: Yeah, what is she, 5'1", 5'2" max?
: 74 percent of Italian teenage boys said that they would most like to date American girls. Sam McGuire
: Where'd you get these numbers? Matt McGuire
: They're available for everyone who's got a computer.
[Lizzie has just blurted out to her mother that she and Miranda want to go to the mall to buy their first bras. Gordo is a little freaked out by this revelation
] David 'Gordo' Gordon
: Mrs. McGuire, suddenly I don't want to go with you guys to the mall anymore. Jo McGuire
: That's okay. You're uninvited.
[Jo walks off with Lizzie and Miranda
] Sam McGuire
: Well, how about those, um, Mets? Huh? Matt
: I don't care. I'm just glad we're not doing anything that has to do with bras. David 'Gordo' Gordon
: I have to go home and do something. Anything. Anything but this.
[Matt is entering a contest to become Jet Li's sidekick in his new movie. Sam wanted him to write an essay but Matt prefers Gordo's suggestion that they make a video and send it in
: Where's Matt? Sam McGuire
: He's getting ready. I've got some interview questions for ya.
[hands Gordo the pad that he was writing on
: [reading the questions
] "What's your name?", "How old are you?", "Where do you go to school?"
[Gordo looks unimpressed
] Sam McGuire
] That is my absolute favourite. Gordo
: These are *really* great questions, Mr. McGuire, but there -there are other ways we could go.
[Matt jumps out and does a bad Kung Fu move
: Looking good, Matt. So, what I was thinking is that we shoot a couple of cool establishing shots. Matt raking in the Zen garden... Sam McGuire
: We don't have a Zen garden. And what about my questions? Gordo
: [trying to be polite
] The questions aren't very... Matt
: [about David Carradine
] Hey, who was that guy? Sam McGuire
: Let's just say he's like a brother to me.
: Sam, you flinched for your driver's licence picture. Sam McGuire
: Honey, this is something Matt really wants to do, and I can get over being a little camera shy for one day. That's why I AM the fun dad! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO! WOHOO!
: Here we are, Dad. The doorway to stardom! Sam McGuire
: Okay. This is not gonna be that big a deal. We're not gonna be on camera that long. It's just gonna be a fun day together, trying something new. Matt McGuire
: Something new, like stardom! Sam McGuire
: Here, let's just sign in. Matt McGuire
: On the sign in sheet to stardom!
: Have the stunt guy set up the harness. Robyn! Where's my blend in? Sam McGuire
: [to Matt
] Did he say harness? Matt McGuire
: The harness to stardom!
: [about the "miniature golf"
] Who won?
[the kids speak at the same time
: Gordo. Miranda
: Lizzie. Gordo
: The sports guy will announce who won the car races, and Gordo's taping it at home, and he doesn't wanna know who the winner is. Right, Gordo? Gordo
: Yeah... I-I love car races. Sam McGuire
: Really, Gordo? I had no idea that you were a racing nut. What are you into? NASCAR? Formula 1? Gordo
: All of them! NASCAR, Formula 1... Formula 2...
: [after a pipe in Matt's room bursts, he has to sleep in Lizzie's room
] Well where do you expect him to sleep Lizzie; to curl up on the floor? Lizzie
: Of course not on the floor, there's room in the closet.
: Lanny's not talking to me. Sam McGuire
: How can you tell?
: Well, Malina has the baseball card I want but she'll only give it to me if I meet her demands. Sam McGuire
: That's extortion. Jo McGuire
: That's brilliant.
: Hey, Mrs. Robinson...
[notices that Mrs. Robinson is holding Matt after his collar
] Jo McGuire
: Matt, what did you do this time? Matt McGuire
: It's all a misunderstanding... Mrs. Robinson
: He was stealing oranges from my tree. Again! Sam McGuire
: Is this true, Matt? Matt McGuire
: Well, "stealing" is such a... strong word!
: Okay, so even though Mr. Dig is my favorite sub, I should never have invited him to dinner. But since I did, you guys have to be on your best behavior. Sam McGuire
: Does it mean I shouldn't sing? Jo McGuire
: Oh, I love it when he sings! Lizzie McGuire
: Since when do you sing, Dad? Sam McGuire
: Well, rarely, because I'm always on my best behavior.
: Why do you want to be called "M-Dogg?" Matt
: Because there are four Matt's in my class. Sam McGuire
: I knew we should have named him "Dillon." Matt
: There are seven Dillons.
: When will I be old enough to trust? When I'm 50? Sam McGuire
: Maybe. We'll see.
: Are you sure we need to talk to him? He's just excited about the play. Matt
: [behind the door
] Mirror, mirror on the wall; who's the greatest actor of them all? Sam McGuire
: After you. Jo McGuire
: After you.
: Mom, dad, can I ask you guys a question? Jo McGuire
: Sure. Lizzie McGuire
: Where did I come from? Jo McGuire
: Well, I'm from Wala Wala, Washington. Sam McGuire
: And I'm from Kalamazoo. Lizzie McGuire
: [animated Lizzie
] Face it. My parents are aliens. Lizzie McGuire
: No, not like that. I mean where did our family come from. Jo McGuire
: I'm Polish, Swedish, French, Swiss, German, Hungarian and all the countries with heavy food. And you're what Scottish or Irish?
: Hey, Dad! Do we have a blow torch? Sam McGuire
: Son, you're not jumping through a ring of fire.
: Why can't I go camping? Sam McGuire
: We'll camp this weekend with your mom.
] Sam McGuire
: In the house.
[the smile is quickly wiped off Matt's face
: Mom! Mom! She's our man, if she can't do it no one can! Go mom! Sam McGuire
: Hey, what about me? Where's my cheer? Matt
: Dad! Dad! He's our man, if he can't do it... Mom sure can! Go mom!
: We'll have to encourage him. Artists are very sensitive. Sam McGuire
: Sensitive? Matt eats mud!
: C'mon, Gordo. It's 5:30, rise and shine! Gordo
: 5:30? You rise. You shine. Lizzie
: His parents told me he's really cranky in the mornings. Gordo
: I love the mornings. This is the middle of the night.
: I'm sorry. You know, I think we all learned a lot from this. Matt McGuire
: Yep. You've learned to trust me more, and I've learned that you make great monkey bait.
[after Matt's lizard dies
] Sam McGuire
: You know, I swear that manual didn't say a thing about changing the water. Jo McGuire
: Whatever... murderer.
: That's it! I did it and I'd do it again. McGuffin promised to marry me, but he cheated on me. He cheated it all straights and he cheated on his taxes! He's a monster, a louser, and I'm glad he's dead. I'm happy about it don't you see? He's dead! He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead. I'm happy about it! Sam McGuire
: Honey, honey. Jo McGuire
: Wa-? Oh... well. Gordo caught me.
: I remember Coco. She was hot. Jo McGuire
: She was not hot. She was just well dressed.
: And since when did you become such an expert on teenage girls? Sam McGuire
: Well, I got dumped by enough of them. I got cut loose by every girl I ever liked.