Matt McGuire
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Quotes for
Matt McGuire (Character)
from "Lizzie McGuire" (2001)

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The Lizzie McGuire Movie (2003)
Matt McGuire: What is that?
Gordo: That is Miss Ungermeyer. Get on her good side, and it's your one-way ticket to an Ivy League School. But if you get on her bad side...
Janitor: [passing by with mop bucket] ... excuse me, gotta clean up some vomit.
Matt McGuire: You end up like that guy?
Gordo: You end up *working* for that guy.

Matt McGuire: I shall win the Academy Award.

Sam McGuire: All right, tell me what you know that I don't.
Matt McGuire: Dad, it's only a fourteen-hour flight.

Sam McGuire: Miss Ungermeyer says Lizzie's very well chaperoned.
Matt McGuire: Yeah, what is she, 5'1", 5'2" max?

Matt McGuire: 74 percent of Italian teenage boys said that they would most like to date American girls.
Sam McGuire: Where'd you get these numbers?
Matt McGuire: They're available for everyone who's got a computer.


"Lizzie McGuire: Between a Rock and a Bra Place (#1.12)" (2001)
Matt: [to Gordo] You are *way* too cool to be Lizzie's friend.

[Lizzie has just blurted out to her mother that she and Miranda want to go to the mall to buy their first bras. Gordo is a little freaked out by this revelation]
David 'Gordo' Gordon: Mrs. McGuire, suddenly I don't want to go with you guys to the mall anymore.
Jo McGuire: That's okay. You're uninvited.
[Jo walks off with Lizzie and Miranda]
Sam McGuire: Well, how about those, um, Mets? Huh?
Matt: I don't care. I'm just glad we're not doing anything that has to do with bras.
David 'Gordo' Gordon: I have to go home and do something. Anything. Anything but this.

[Matt is entering a contest to become Jet Li's sidekick in his new movie. Sam wanted him to write an essay but Matt prefers Gordo's suggestion that they make a video and send it in]
Gordo: Where's Matt?
Sam McGuire: He's getting ready. I've got some interview questions for ya.
[hands Gordo the pad that he was writing on]
Gordo: [reading the questions] "What's your name?", "How old are you?", "Where do you go to school?"
[Gordo looks unimpressed]
Sam McGuire: [smiles] That is my absolute favourite.
Gordo: These are *really* great questions, Mr. McGuire, but there -there are other ways we could go.
[Matt jumps out and does a bad Kung Fu move]
Gordo: Looking good, Matt. So, what I was thinking is that we shoot a couple of cool establishing shots. Matt raking in the Zen garden...
Sam McGuire: We don't have a Zen garden. And what about my questions?
Gordo: [trying to be polite] The questions aren't very...
Matt: [shouts] Bor-ing!

Matt: [about David Carradine] Hey, who was that guy?
Sam McGuire: Let's just say he's like a brother to me.


"Lizzie McGuire: Party Over Here (#2.18)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: Here we are, Dad. The doorway to stardom!
Sam McGuire: Okay. This is not gonna be that big a deal. We're not gonna be on camera that long. It's just gonna be a fun day together, trying something new.
Matt McGuire: Something new, like stardom!
Sam McGuire: Here, let's just sign in.
Matt McGuire: On the sign in sheet to stardom!

Donna Pinto: Here they are, the real father and the real little boy I found in the shoe store! This is Steve, our director.
Matt McGuire: The man who'll direct us to star...!
[Sam stops him]

Director: Have the stunt guy set up the harness. Robyn! Where's my blend in?
Sam McGuire: [to Matt] Did he say harness?
Matt McGuire: The harness to stardom!


"Lizzie McGuire: Bunkies (#2.25)" (2003)
Lizzie: Get that poster off of there!
Matt: But it's Weird Al! He's WAY cool!
Lizzie: Yeah, but if he keeps bothering me, he's going to come down as Shredded Al. You got that?

Matt: Mom, Lizzie turned off my alarm.
Lizzie: I don't like alarms, they wake me up!


"Lizzie McGuire: A Gordo Story (#2.26)" (2003)
Jo McGuire: My grandparents came here from Poland during World War II. My grandfather worked in an assemble line in the candy factory, and my grandmother worked in a hospital, making beds.
Matt McGuire: Interesting.
[pauses]
Matt McGuire: Please tell me you've got something better than that? PLEASE!

Matt McGuire: Lanny's not talking to me.
Sam McGuire: How can you tell?


"Lizzie McGuire: Xtreme Xmas (#2.20)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: You do not have to listen to her, Nobby. She's a Grinch. Only the Grinch smells better.

David 'Gordo' Gordon: And the old folks won't have anywhere to spend Christmas. Bummer.
Matt McGuire: Couldn't they stay with us? I can share my room.
Jo McGuire: Oh, honey, there are two-hundred-and-forty of them.
Matt McGuire: They can share Lizzie's room too!


"Lizzie McGuire: Rise and Fall of Kate (#2.4)" (2002)
Matt: [Repeated Line when Matt is rehersing for his one line part in the school play] Ahh the doorbell! I'll get that.

Sam McGuire: Are you sure we need to talk to him? He's just excited about the play.
Matt: [behind the door] Mirror, mirror on the wall; who's the greatest actor of them all?
Sam McGuire: After you.
Jo McGuire: After you.


"Lizzie McGuire: Lizzie's Eleven (#2.21)" (2003)
Matt McGuire: Nothing goes on in this town that Matt McGuire doesn't sniff out.

Matt McGuire: I think Kate tortures people.
Melina Bianco: No, Matt. That's for her eyelashes.


"Lizzie McGuire: Sibling Bonds (#1.17)" (2001)
Elizabeth Brooke "Lizzie" McGuire: You little weasel. I'll teach you to make fun of me.
Matt McGuire: Oh, I don't have to be taught, I already know how.
[imitates Lizzie]
Matt McGuire: 'Oh, I'm Lizzie! Notice me!'

Matt McGuire: Come on, let's go watch the golf.
Elizabeth Brooke "Lizzie" McGuire: No! I can't. I just told Ethan that I had to stay in here for a while. If I go out there, he'll think I'm a complete baboon.
Matt McGuire: Trust me, there's a million other reasons for him to think you're a complete baboon.


"Lizzie McGuire: Gordo and the Dwarves (#1.27)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: ["torturing" Gordo] This is a version of therapy. The thing you like causes you pain. Therefore you don't like it anymore.
David 'Gordo' Gordon: What are the wires for?
Matt McGuire: Well, the wires are for... absolutely nothing. They just look pretty cool.

Matt McGuire: The crisis has passed. My work here is done.
[bows solemnly and leaves]


"Lizzie McGuire: Working Girl (#2.5)" (2002)
[Matt has just drunk about a dozen glasses of orange juice]
Miranda: You're hitting the juice a little hard there, aren't you, Matt?
Matt: You wouldn't understand. You see I need to talk to a girl but Lizzie's the only one I know and she's busy.
[Gordo and Miranda look a little surprised and confused. Gordo gestures to her]
Miranda: Uh, Matt? I'm a girl.
Matt: [realising] Hey! You are, aren't you?
Gordo: [sarcastically; points to Matt] Nothing gets past you, does it?

Melina Bianco: So, the rumour *is* true!
Matt: Hello, Melina.
Melina Bianco: [to Miranda] Listen, just because you can't find a guy your own age doesn't mean you can steal mine. You're just a rebound girl, so keep your distance, 'cause if anyone is gonna get Matt in trouble, it's gonna be me. Got it?
Matt: [delighted] You really *do* like me!
Melina Bianco: Let's go.
Matt: [to Miranda] Sorry things didn't work out.
Melina Bianco: *Now*!
Matt: Coming, my angel.
[Matt and Melina leave]
Miranda: [sarcastically] Well, that was really easy.
Gordo: You do realize you just got dumped by Matt?
Miranda: We're not talking about this ever again, especially to Lizzie!
Gordo: All right... rebound girl.
Miranda: That was talking about it!


"Lizzie McGuire: Aaron Carter's Coming to Town (#1.7)" (2001)
Gordo: What's in the bag?
Matt McGuire: Do you guys have a plan?
Miranda: Yeah.
Matt McGuire: Then this is for when your plan fails.

Lizzie: Who are you going as? Santa Claus?
Matt McGuire: No.
Lizzie: [watching Matt pulling stuff out of his bag] Those are my pants!
Matt McGuire: I'm going as Aaron Carter.
[puts on a blonde wig]


"Lizzie McGuire: Movin' on Up (#2.17)" (2002)
Matt: Mom! Mom! She's our man, if she can't do it no one can! Go mom!
Sam McGuire: Hey, what about me? Where's my cheer?
Matt: Dad! Dad! He's our man, if he can't do it... Mom sure can! Go mom!

Matt: Lizzie! Lizzie! She's our girl! She's the girl that makes me hurl!


"Lizzie McGuire: The Longest Yard (#2.7)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: [pretending to wimper] But this is really important. If I don't fix this football, I'll get in trouble and my sister
[stopped faking]
Matt McGuire: who really didn't anything
[continuing to wimper]
Matt McGuire: will get in trouble and maybe you can trade me this football for that nice, new one?
Albert, The Shopkeeper: Aww... that's really touching. Let me see... No!
Matt McGuire: WAHHH!
[pretending to cry]

Jo McGuire: [after Lizzie gets off the phone] Nice of you to join us.
Lizzie McGuire: Sorry.
Matt McGuire: It's not THAT nice.


"Lizzie McGuire: Lizzie in the Middle (#2.15)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: Pleeeeeaaaasssseee!
Lizzie McGuire: OK! Fine.
Matt McGuire: Thanks. I'll have my people call your people. Wait, I am your people! This is so great!

Lizzie: Mom, Dad this is...
Matt: Frankie! Hey mind if I call you "F"? I'm Matt McGuire, you can just call me Matt McGuire. I'm head of Lizzie's entorage. If you need anything and I mean anything at all just let me know.
[winks]
Frankie Muniz: You guys look nothing alike.
Lizzie, Matt: Thank you.


"Lizzie McGuire: First Kiss (#2.1)" (2002)
Matt: Well, Malina has the baseball card I want but she'll only give it to me if I meet her demands.
Sam McGuire: That's extortion.
Jo McGuire: That's brilliant.


"Lizzie McGuire: Night of the Day of the Dead (#1.24)" (2001)
Lizzie: Here, it's a... caterpillar.
[handing Matt a balloon]
Matt McGuire: This is a lame balloon animal.
Lizzie: Oh, sorry, let me fix it...
[cracks the balloon]
Lizzie: There, now it's extinct.


"Lizzie McGuire: Random Acts of Miranda (#1.14)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: Ribs give Lanny nightmares. The walrus ones, right?
[Lanny nods]


"Lizzie McGuire: Gordo's Bar Mitzvah (#1.31)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: Hey, Mrs. Robinson...
[notices that Mrs. Robinson is holding Matt after his collar]
Jo McGuire: Matt, what did you do this time?
Matt McGuire: It's all a misunderstanding...
Mrs. Robinson: He was stealing oranges from my tree. Again!
Sam McGuire: Is this true, Matt?
Matt McGuire: Well, "stealing" is such a... strong word!


"Lizzie McGuire: I Do, I Don't (#1.10)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: Women. You can't live with them, you can't let them know where your cave is.


"Lizzie McGuire: Jack of All Trades (#1.6)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: Why do you want to be called "M-Dogg?"
Matt: Because there are four Matt's in my class.
Sam McGuire: I knew we should have named him "Dillon."
Matt: There are seven Dillons.


"Lizzie McGuire: You're a Good Man, Lizzie McGuire (#2.13)" (2002)
Mrs. Carrabino: Can I get anything for you boys? Pamento loaf? Balogna roll-up? Lime gelatin mold?
Matt McGuire: Uh, no. Not when there's work to be done. So we're just going to take out the trash.
Mrs. Carrabino: No.
Matt McGuire: Rake some leaves?
Mrs. Carrabino: No. You lucky little boys get to clean my attic! HAAAAAA!


"Lizzie McGuire: Misadventures in Babysitting (#1.8)" (2001)
Lizzie: Matt, go upstairs, change your shirt and get cleaned up. Now!
Matt McGuire: No!
Miranda: See?
Lizzie: Zip it!
Miranda: Why should I? He won't!
Lizzie: Matt. Starting right now, you do everything I tell you! Or I'll tell Mom and Dad.
Matt McGuire: Na-ah. You want Mom and Dad to think you're a good babysitter. So you're gonna say things went great.
Lizzie: Then I'll squash you like a bug instead!
Matt McGuire: Then I'll tell Mom and Dad. Face it, I'm in charge here.
Lizzie: No. I am in charge here!
Gordo: Matt, what do you say we go upstairs and find you a clean shirt.
Matt McGuire: Okay.


"Lizzie McGuire: The Untitled Stan Jansen Project (#1.22)" (2001)
Jo McGuire: [to Lizzie] Honey, this is the third time you've changed this morning.
Matt McGuire: Yeah, and it keeps getting worse.


"Lizzie McGuire: Bad Girl McGuire (#1.11)" (2001)
Matt: You're really dumb.
Lizzie: Sometimes it might seem that way.
Matt: No, you really are.


"Lizzie McGuire: The Courtship of Miranda Sanchez (#1.29)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: [to Gordo] I always knew you were too cool to be friends with my dorky sister.


"Lizzie McGuire: Gordo's Video (#1.30)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: Hey, Dad! Do we have a blow torch?
Sam McGuire: Son, you're not jumping through a ring of fire.


"Lizzie McGuire: Just Like Lizzie (#2.14)" (2002)
[Matt can't think of anything to get a badge in for Scouts and could face a demotion]
Lizzie: I bet you could get a badge in ugly.
Matt: I'm sure I could.
Lizzie, Matt: Did I just agree with an insult?


"Lizzie McGuire: Obsession (#1.16)" (2001)
[Hall-monitor Matt writes up a teacher]
Teacher: Surely you must be joking...
Matt: No, and uh, don't call me Shirley!


"Lizzie McGuire: When Moms Attack (#1.3)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: Why can't I go camping?
Sam McGuire: We'll camp this weekend with your mom.
[Matt smiles]
Sam McGuire: In the house.
[the smile is quickly wiped off Matt's face]


"Lizzie McGuire: Last Year's Model (#1.23)" (2001)
Lizzie: Hey, mom, can I be a model?
Matt McGuire: Sure! And I can be president of the moon.
Lizzie: Fine, as long as you move there.


"Lizzie McGuire: In Miranda Lizzie Does Not Trust (#2.10)" (2002)
Matt McGuire: Our first guest is Jackson Myers, whose father is the one and only Mike Myers. Very groovy, baby - I bet he's got one million interesting stories, so let's bring him out - Jackson Myers.
[Jackson shuffles through the door, waves awkwardly at the web-cam, sits. A few green lights pop on the monitor - "BLING! BLING!"]
Matt McGuire: Is your dad gonna star in another "Austin Powers" sequel?
Jackson Meyers: Why would he?
Matt McGuire: Because he's Mike Myers, the actor who plays Austin Powers.
Jackson Meyers: Uh-uh, he's Mike Myers, the dry-cleaner. They have the same name.


"Lizzie McGuire: Inner Beauty (#2.16)" (2002)
Lizzie: What are you staring at?
Matt McGuire: Watch a real artist at work.
Lizzie: Whatever you're doing - stop.
[Matt starts to draw at super speed. Lizzie looks weirdly at him, while Gordo snorts]
Matt McGuire: Behold.
[shows his quick work, which is very good]
Matt McGuire: I call this one... "Girl who Makes Me Hurl".
[Gordo laughs]
Lizzie: Well, I call this one "A Brother About to Run for His Life"!
[chases Matt]


"Lizzie McGuire: Grubby Longjohn's Olde Tyme Revue (#2.27)" (2003)
Matt McGuire: I did. I won me a Grubby doll!
Grubby Longjohn: [Matt pulls the string of the Grubby doll] There's somethin' wrong with the chillie!
Matt McGuire: [hugging the doll] Eeeehhhh!


"Lizzie McGuire: Mom's Best Friend (#2.3)" (2002)
Sam McGuire: I'm sorry. You know, I think we all learned a lot from this.
Matt McGuire: Yep. You've learned to trust me more, and I've learned that you make great monkey bait.


"Lizzie McGuire: Clue-Less (#2.23)" (2003)
Matt McGuire: Don't anybody touch anything! I am Inspector Pratt and I am here to inspect!
Lizzie McGuire: Matt, what are you doing here?
Matt McGuire: I just wanted to see who croaked dad!
Lizzie McGuire: Well, you can do that somewhere else, like in the Sahara Desert?
Matt McGuire: Mom!
Jo McGuire: Lizzie, let your bother play.
Lizzie McGuire: Ow!
Matt McGuire: I think I'll go study this in the parlor.


"Lizzie McGuire: Rated Aargh (#1.18)" (2001)
Matt: Yeah mom, you rock!
Jo McGuire: It's true, I do.


"Lizzie McGuire: Best Dressed for Much Less (#2.12)" (2002)
Jo McGuire: You used all the paper on copies of your picture?
Matt McGuire: They're not for me. They're for my fans.


"Lizzie McGuire: Picture Day (#1.2)" (2001)
Matt McGuire: Being sick is complicated.


"Lizzie McGuire: And the Winner Is (#2.6)" (2002)
Mr. Dig: All I have is 43 cents and a bus token.
Matt McGuire: 43 cents and a bus token, 43 cents and a bus token? Ok.


"Lizzie McGuire: Just Friends (#2.8)" (2002)
Lizzie: Life's unfair.
Matt McGuire: You said it, sister. You said it.