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: Shall I send him to hell, Maurice? Maurice Chavez
: Yes - I mean, no. No, you psychotic lunatic.
: ...And what about other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise. Callum Crayshaw
: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey. Maurice Chavez
: What ARE you talking about? Callum Crayshaw
: I'm talking about hopes... dreams... the magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
: There's only one thing good about life. Maurice Chavez
: And that is? Konstantinos Smith
: Death. Maurice Chavez
: Death? Konstantinos Smith
: Yeah. And dying, that's good too.
: I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid. Maurice Chavez
: That can be arranged.
: LEAVE. LEAVE RIGHT NOW. Get out of my studio. Go get your own radio show. Go save some other people.
Congressman Alex Shrub
: You have no idea what it takes to serve, the sacrifices, I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of the government, the... the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me, it's a nightmare my friend, and having it thrown back at me by an ingrate like you... I can scarcely get up in the morning! Maurice Chavez
: And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break.
: And I digress, and plug. Maurice Chavez
: Stop that.
John F. Hickory
: Jumpin' Jehosaphat. You city slickers got more issues than a newsstand. Can we talk business here? Maurice Chavez
: What, is there a corn on the cob-eating contest you have to get to? Got some chitlins and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?
: Pastor Richards, as a human being, I find your religion, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appalling.
: It's a difficult question. Is it right to lie? Barry Stark
: Clothes are a lie, Maurice. Maurice Chavez
: No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested.
: You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.
: If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test.
: Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F? John F. Hickory
: For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin.
: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently? Alex Shrub
: Baseball is our national sport- our national pastime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
: And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences. Alex Shrub
: Uh... not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.
: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question. Alex Shrub
: I'm a professional. That's my job.
: If you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio!... Useless, talentless asshole. Michelle Montanius
: You're correct, he is an asshole! Maurice Chavez
: I love those guys! Really professional.
: [Just after Pastor Richards shot Barry
] I'm Maurice Chavez the multi-award-winning, and soon to be executed host of Pressing Issues!