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Quotes for
Carl 'C.J.' Johnson (Character)
from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004) (VG)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004) (VG)
Big Smoke: Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.
Carl Johnson: What fuckin' book?

Carl Johnson: Can you shoot?
The Truth: Shoot? I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I heard of a dude snorted it once. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog! WOOH!

Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!
Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.
Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Sweet Johnson, Kendl: Shut up, Carl!

Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] What can I say? I'm a bad man.

[CJ and Woozie are playing Blackjack]
Woozie: Hit me.
Carl Johnson: Are you sure, man?
Woozie: Yeah. I'm going for a 5 card hand, come on.
[CJ gives Woozie another card]
Carl Johnson: I'm gonna stick. What you got?
Woozie: How would I know? you tell me.
Carl Johnson: Not good. You got, uh, 47.
Woozie: Damn. You're bad luck for me. You know, when I play the other guys, I always win!

Carl Johnson: [after another car hits CJ's car] You hit me! I'm-a hit you back!

British Pedestrian: AAAAAAAARGH!
Carl Johnson: You should have run away!

Sweet Johnson: [CJ and Sweet are driving down to Grove Street during the riots] So who's the weird Brit?
Carl Johnson: What? Oh, Maccer? He got a little problem he can't control.
Sweet Johnson: What kinda problem?
Carl Johnson: He can't stop, you know, givin' himself a little bit.
Sweet Johnson: What, you mean he likes to consult Professor Hans Jerkov?
Carl Johnson: [laughs] Yeah, regularly.
Sweet Johnson: Spank the monkey?
Carl Johnson: Yeah.
Sweet Johnson: Take Palm-ela out?
Carl Johnson: Quit it!
[laughs]
Sweet Johnson: Burp the worm?
Carl Johnson: Enough, man!

[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, Zero, one of Woozie's assistants, the occupant of the room and two other men are in the planning room]
Carl Johnson: It seems impossible to keep a secret around here! I would have thought the size of the room would keep the numbers down.
Man #1: Hey, speak up, we can't hear you back here!
Carl Johnson: I appreciate your input, but please, fuck off.
Man #1: What did he say?
Man #2: [murmuring] He said fuck off.
[Man #1 and Man #2 leave]
Carl Johnson: [to the occupant] Hey, what are you still doing here?
Occupant: I live here.
Carl Johnson: Oh, OK, you can stay.
Occupant: Great.
Su Xi Mu: Hey, where's the coffee and doughnuts?
[CJ purposely ignores Suzie]
Carl Johnson: OK, look, I'm going to go shut off the city's power source. Woozie, look after these fools for me.
Woozie: OK, now, the important thing to remember with a plan like this, is that... nothing can go wrong.

Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] WHAT THE FUCK?

[near the end of a huge police chase]
Big Smoke: Oh shit! Roadblock up ahead!
Carl Johnson: The K's jammed!
Big Smoke: Fuck it, I'm goin' through!
Sweet Johnson: CJ, we got the ghetto bird up ahead!
Aerial Police (Cop 1): This is the LSPD, do not... hey, what the fuck! TOO LOW! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!
Sweet Johnson: Back up Smoke, BACK UP!
Big Smoke: Hell no, I'm going through!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh man, we gonna die!
[the helicopter skims over the car, shredding the motorcycle cop on the hood of the car]
Carl Johnson: OH SHIT!
[Smoke proceeds]
Sweet Johnson: Slow down Smoke, SLOW DOWN!
Big Smoke: Oh shit, the brakes is out!
[Everyone bails out at the last second as the car smashes through a billboard, and crashes on a rig on the freeway below]
Big Smoke: [looking at the carnage on the freeway from the smashed billboard] Shit! That's gonna be a hell of a story to tell when we passin' the blunt!
Sweet Johnson: Now THAT was some some serious shit! Whoo!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Fuck this, we gotta get outta here.
Sweet Johnson: Ryder's right. Everyone split up, and we'll meet up later.

Carl Johnson: Hey, what up Z!
Zero: Nothing is up Carl, apart from my blood pressure, and the imminent collapse of my hopes and dreams.
Carl Johnson: ...Why?
Zero: As usual, the forces of darkness have triumphed over good. Life is nothing but misery, briefly interspersed with agony.
Carl Johnson: Z, whatchoo on? Whatever it is, you need to reduce the dosage!
Zero: Exuse me, but I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs, and right now, sex is the last thing on my mind.
Carl Johnson: Thank God for that!
Zero: Berkley is back!
Carl Johnson: Ohhh, Berkley. Who the fuck is Berkley?
Zero: A man I once beat in fair competition. A man litterally obsessed with revenge!
Carl Johnson: Oh, you put hands on him?
Zero: No! Please! I never initiate violence.
Carl Johnson: Ohhh, I know. You knocked his bitch!
Zero: No. I won the prize in the science fair. First prize, that is.
Carl Johnson: And now he wanna pop you? HAHAHA, and they say gangbangers is petty and small-minded!
[CJ hears a beeping sound]
Carl Johnson: Eh what's that bleepin' sound?
Zero: It's him... we shall fight to the end!

Carl Johnson: [knocking someone off a motorbike] You okay?... I hope not!

Carl Johnson: [jacking someone] Now you can buy a new one!

Carl Johnson: [jacking someone] It's the car of my dreams!

Carl Johnson: [someone hits his vehicle] Aw, for fuck's sake!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] I need that shit you drive!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Remember, heroes get killed.

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now you can buy a new one!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] You got the car of my dreams!

Carl Johnson: [while carjacking someone] Now now, you need to exercise more.

Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Aww, you fell off your bike.

Carl Johnson: [while stealing someone's bike] Sorry about that. Now fuck off!

Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] Aw, I wanna immigrate from here!

Carl Johnson: [if he hits another car] What's your poison? Grin or gin?

Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] Hey, guess what! It's loaded!

Carl Johnson: [while pointing a gun at someone] It's my constitutional right, bitch!

Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] You just ruined your life, asshole!

Carl Johnson: [if a cop arrests him] Shit, glad I don't pay no taxes.

Carl Johnson: [while falling from a great height] I HATE GRAVITY!

Carl Johnson: Fuck you and your casino!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Say, CJ, you gonna crash the car again?
Carl Johnson: Fuck you, Ryda'.
Sweet Johnson: Ryda', give CJ a break, man. He's practically turned the Grove around by himself.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, I was just tellin' a joke on the lil' nigga.
Carl Johnson: Everythang you do is a joke, Ryder.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: That ain't true!
Big Smoke: Ryda'... just chill the fuck out, man!
Sweet Johnson: Remember, we're reuniting the families, so no bullshit. Stay cool.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: You know me, Sweet, cool as a Shaolin monk!
Sweet Johnson: Especially you, Ryda.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What you mean? I resent your implication, and shit.

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] give me that

Carl Johnson: [when being chased by cop] cop asshole!

Carl Johnson: [when being chased by cop] you're dick

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] ahhh, you so kind

Carl Johnson: [when taking pedestrian's money] that's very tight

Carl Johnson: [when carjaking someone] Out

Security Guard: [CJ kidnaps Madd Dogg's manager, and plans to bail out and dump him in the sea, with his bodyguards on his tail] Security, the principle is being kidnapped! RESCUE HIM AT ALL COSTS!
Madd Dogg's Manager: Who the fuck are you? Where's my usual driver? Unlock this fucking door! I can't fucking swim, you fucking psycho!
Carl Johnson: Ah, so I've heard.

Carl Johnson: [Catalina is shooting past his ear while chasing cowboy robbers on a quadbike] I can't hear anything! I'm DEAF!

Carl Johnson: [when CJ being busted] i tell you what, 1 time, shut your butt.

Carl Johnson: [when CJ being busted] just shut up

Carl Johnson: [when he hit a car] asshole, my shit

Carl Johnson: [when he hit a car] ahhh G

Carl Johnson: [the Truth has handed Carl a rocket launcher] Holy Motherfucker! Where'd you get this!
The Truth: I found it in a bail of Thai sticks. Shame really, I was going to make it into a lamp.

Carl Johnson: Holy Motherfucker!

Carl Johnson: [after hitting a car while driving] Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur!

Carl Johnson: [after hitting someone off their motorbike] Oops, you fell!

Carl Johnson: [declining a prostitutes invitation] Yeah, the girl of my dreams, a crack ho.

[CJ, Pulaski and Tenpenny are in a police car]
Officer Frank Tenpenny: How you been, Carl? How's your wonderful family?
Carl Johnson: I'm here to bury my Moms. You know that.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: Yeah, I guess I do. So what else you got shakin' Carl?
Carl Johnson: Nothing. I live in Liberty City now. I'm clean. Legit.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: No, you ain't never been clean, Carl.
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Well what've we got here?
Officer Frank Tenpenny: This is a weapon, Officer Pulaski, that was used to gun down a police officer not ten minutes ago. Officer Pendelbury. A fine man, I might add. You work fast, nigga.
Carl Johnson: You know I just got off the plane!
Officer Eddie Pulaski: It's a good thing we found you and retrieved the murder weapon.
Carl Johnson: That ain't my gun.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: Don't bullshit me, Carl.
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah, don't bullshit him, Carl.
Carl Johnson: What the fuck you want from me this time?
Officer Frank Tenpenny: When we want you, we'll find you. In the meantime, try not to gun down any more officers of the law.

[Big Smoke, Sweet and Ryder are in Sweet's house]
Big Smoke: [to Sweet] Hey, you gotta keep it real, man.
Sweet Johnson: Man, nobody give a shit about the 'hood.
Big Smoke: I do!
Sweet Johnson: All they do is sell yay and ruin the place. No crack ever made a gang tight.
Big Smoke: I don't know, man.
[CJ enters]
Carl Johnson: Whassup, ya'll?
Sweet Johnson: Whassup, CJ?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: What's cracking?
Sweet Johnson: Man, all they care about is smoking and money.
Big Smoke: You can't knock a homie's hustle, Sweet.
Sweet Johnson: Them marks ain't soldiers. They're idiots trying to be business men.
Big Smoke: Yeah, but they're down with us, man.
Sweet Johnson: All they down with is money. CJ - go down there and show these fools you mean business. these chumps from the Ballas are sweating the homies. Go put pressure on them. Just do it.
Carl Johnson: We been putting time in the 'hood, but we gotta get the homies back together, like the old days.
Sweet Johnson: Yeah, you right! So you and Ryder go handle your business!
[to Big Smoke]
Sweet Johnson: Man, they'd slang to their own Momma. They don't care about nothing.
Big Smoke: You're naÔve, my friend. We gotta keep our focus.

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You wrecked my shit!

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You a degenerate?

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his car] You a comedian?

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his car] My car! My fuckin' car!

Carl Johnson: [a motorist hits his vehicle] You hit my fuckin' ride!

Carl Johnson: [Punching a pedestrian] You callin' CJ a bitch?

Carl Johnson: [Punching someone] This gonna be easy, bitch!

Carl Johnson: [Fighting] Toe to toe, fool!

Carl Johnson: [Fighting] Oh, you think I'm a bitch, huh?

Carl Johnson: [Getting arrested] Fuck you, po-po!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn - this shit's fucked up.
Carl Johnson: I see what you mean now, man. If crack can do that to Big Bear, turn him into a base slave, the average motherfucker ain't got a chance.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Damn dope fiends and drug addicts everywhere in this city. Piss me off.
Carl Johnson: Looks like it's up to us then.

[Woozie is in a room in the casino. CJ enters]
Carl Johnson: Woozie?
Woozie: Oh, Carl.
Carl Johnson: You could at least turn the lights on.
Woozie: Oh, I thought I had. This window here must let some light in.
Carl Johnson: Yeah, this is perfect right here. This is where we're going to plan the heist at.
Woozie: Anyone else coming?
Carl Johnson: No.
Woozie: Couldn't we have done this in my office?
Carl Johnson: You gotta have a secret place to plan shit like this, that's just how it's done!
Woozie: OK, OK, I see where you're coming from. So, what do we do?
Carl Johnson: I guess we got to make a plan.
Woozie: Speaking of plans, do you have the layout to Caligula's Casino?
Carl Johnson: Shit. No. I guess I gotta go get one.
Woozie: Meeting adjourned?
Carl Johnson: Meeting adjourned.

[CJ and Woozie are in the planning room in the casino. CJ has the layout for Caligula's Casino on a board]
Carl Johnson: Now I know you're blind, man - but you gotta see this.
Woozie: Very clever. So what's the prognosis? Is this just going to be extremely difficult, or next- to-impossible?
Carl Johnson: Hear me out on this, homie. All right, the cash room is on the bottom level. There's a bunch of rooms and a tunnel under the whole building with access to the casino floors at either end of the complex. All right? Now, security consists of CCTV, a key code access and, in places, a swipe card.
Woozie: Hey, are you pointing again?
Carl Johnson: Oh, my bad - habit.
Woozie: Ah, don't worry; it's good practice for when we finally get a crew in on this.
Carl Johnson: Yeah, I know.
[Suzie enters carrying a box]
Su Xi Mu: Hey boss, this arrived for CJ.
Carl Johnson: Hey, hey hey hey! Damn, man - now he's seen the plans!
Woozie: Well, then we've got our first recruit. Come on in and shut the door.
[CJ opens the box that arrived for him]
Carl Johnson: All right, cool. This is a security card reader that Zero's sent over. Now all we need to do is get one of those cards...
[Cut TO CJ outside the casino]
Carl Johnson: Luckily, there's always one guaranteed weak link in any security set up. The human heart.

[after someone hits his car]
Carl Johnson: Where did you steal your license?

[after someone hits his car]
Carl Johnson: Did you steal your license?

[CJ, Woozie, Suzie, one of Woozie's assistants, Zero and the occupant of the room are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is standing in front of the layout of Caligula's Casino]
Carl Johnson: All right, here's the plan. It's all about the art of deception. While I get as much heat on me as possible, y'all get away with the green.
Zero: Question: how does the Mafia normally move cash out of Caligula's?
Carl Johnson: Bingo! Stripes for Mr. Zero here.
Occupant: Ha hey! Good job, you little ass kisser!
[pats Zero on the back]
Zero: [moans in pain]
Carl Johnson: So, we're going to steal ourselves an armoured car and re-spray it so it looks like one of their regular trucks.
Su Xi Mu: What about the police escorts? Whenever they move cash around they use police motorcycles as outriders.
Carl Johnson: Exactly what I was thinking. C'mon, come with me, and we're gonna go get some cop wheels...
[Cut TO CJ and Suzie outside the casino]
Carl Johnson: You get the Packer, hit the Julius Thruway and keep moving.

[The usual six men that are planning the heist are in the planning room in the casino. CJ is at the front giving out instructions]
Carl Johnson: OK, we got the bikes. And Woozie's taken care of the uniforms. Now, we just gotta get an armoured van and re-spray it with the Caligula's Casino logo.
Woozie: Why don't we steal one while it's on its rounds? That way we can make some money too.
Carl Johnson: No, I don't want to get the crew caught up in some street level jacking - it could get ugly.
Zero: I... I have an idea? Um... Have you ever seen those helicopters they use to lift heavy loads?
Su Xi Mu: Yeah, they call 'em 'sky cranes'. We could lift the whole truck and take them to someplace safe.
Woozie: Then we need to steal a sky crane. Unfortunately I'm not a pilot.
Zero: No, me neither.
Su Xi Mu: Hey, don't look at me.
Assistant: Or me.
Carl Johnson: Shit. I'll fly it, then. We can re-spray it at the airstrip.
Zero: Yeah, Carl. It'll be just like fighting Berkley, only bigger!
Carl Johnson: Yeah, thanks for that.

Carl Johnson: Any last requests?
Officer Eddie Pulaski: Yeah... can I fuck your sister?
Carl Johnson: You an asshole to the end. Punk motherfucker.
[kills Pulaski]

[CJ is in the recording studio at Madd Dogg's Crib. He is on the phone]
Carl Johnson: I don't care 'how', I care 'when'.
[Toreno walks up behind CJ]
Carl Johnson: As in 'now'. You hear me?
[Toreno takes the phone out of CJ's hand]
Carl Johnson: Hey, man, what the - ?
Mike Toreno: Hello, boss man. Taking care of business I see.
Carl Johnson: Toreno, fuck you. I almost lost my life out there for you.
Mike Toreno: I've just got one tiny little thing for you to do, then I'm out of your life forever.
[CJ pulls out a gun and points it at Toreno]
Carl Johnson: You know what? I'm tired of your fucking little jobs.
Mike Toreno: Oh, will you stop? This is pathetic, come on. You're embarrassing yourself. Come on, put it down. Don't be ridiculous, OK?
[Toreno pushes the gun down]
Mike Toreno: Hey, I got a little surprise for you here. You ready for this? Huh?
Carl Johnson: [his phone rings]
Mike Toreno: Answer it
[CJ answers the phone]
Carl Johnson: Hello?
Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's me, Sweet.
Carl Johnson: Aw, Sweet!
Sweet Johnson: I don't know what happened, they just released me. No idea what's going on, but I'm in the square outside the precinct in Commerce.
Carl Johnson: All right you hold tight, I'll be right there.
[CJ puts the phone down]
Carl Johnson: So what was that little job you was talking about, Toreno?
Mike Toreno: I just want you to go pick up your brother. Get out of here.

[last lines]
Kendl: Carl, where are you off to now?
Carl Johnson: Fittin' to hit the block, see what's happening.

Carl Johnson: [after hitting another traffic car] Who let you out of the mental home?

Catalina: Are you going to fight for my love?
Carl Johnson: No. I can take rejection.

Carl Johnson: [shooting somebody] Welcome to America.

[after Cesar gives CJ a silenced Colt .45]
Carl Johnson: Where'd you get that?
Cesar: Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!

Carl Johnson: [after seeing a truck that is chasing them crash] Ah, they hit a bus!
Smoke: Ha ha ha! I'll never diss public transportation again!

[after Woozie runs into a wall and falls down]
Carl Johnson: What's the matter? You lost? Need a hand?
Woozie: NO! Uh... no I was just, you know, getting the feel of the place.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame society.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] Don't blame me, blame yourself.

Officer Hernandez: [on the phone] This is Officer Hernandez.
Carl Johnson: Who?
Officer Hernandez: Officer Hernandez. I work with Tenpenny and Pulaski.
Carl Johnson: Oh, the bitch. What the hell you want?
Officer Hernandez: Show me some respect, boy!
Carl Johnson: Go fuck yourself, you're just they bitch.
Officer Hernandez: I've got a message from Tenpenny. Don't try to leave town. That would be a big mistake.
Carl Johnson: Whatever you say, bitch.
[hangs up]

Carl Johnson: [carjacking someone] Welcome to San Andreas, fool.

Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] Oh, big surprise, I gotta gun.

Carl Johnson: Grove Street. Home. At least it was before I fucked everything up.

[while carjacking someone]
Carl Johnson: We switchin' places right now.

Ken Rosenberg: Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?
Carl Johnson: Who the fuck is Tommy?

[during a cell phone conversation]
Carl Johnson: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Cesar: Why you keep asking me that, holmes? I told you, i dunno. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.

[while watching government agents loading cargo on an airplane]
Mike Toreno: These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.
Carl Johnson: Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?
Mike Toreno: Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.

Carl Johnson: [loses in a video game against Woozie, throws controller down and stands up] SHIT! MAN!... HOW YOU DO THAT?
Woozie: [laughs]

Carl Johnson: Why am I here?
Mike Toreno: I just want to see what you're made of.
Carl Johnson: What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?

Woozie: I have a confession to make. I... I'm blind.
Carl Johnson: No shit.

Carl Johnson: Woozie, you know I'm black and not Chinese, right?
Woozie: Carl, I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.

[on their way to San Fierro]
The Truth: Carl, do you know how many satellites the government has in space?
Carl Johnson: No. How many?
The Truth: Twenty-three. Do you know how many biblical artifacts the government is keeping at the Pentagon?
Carl Johnson: No.
The Truth: Twenty-three. Don't you see a pattern here?
Carl Johnson: Man I'm seeing patterns all over the place! Get that smoke out my face.

[Carl is about to sneak inside of an aircraft carrier]
Mike Toreno: Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.
Carl Johnson: Can you help me now?
Mike Toreno: Um... no actually... no

Carl Johnson: [Toreno is calling CJ on his cell phone] Toreno?
Mike Toreno: Carl, learn to fly.
Carl Johnson: I'm on it, man, I swear!
Mike Toreno: "I'm on it, man, I swear" Same old broken record, Carl. But that?s fine... because your brother's getting a new cell mate tonight ? Horse Cock Harry. And I'm sending a present, little wedding present - a big tube of lube.
Carl Johnson: Shit, dude, okay! Okay! I swear, man, I'm gonna be the best pilot!
Mike Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear is your brother's love cries as 8 kilometers of cock find its way up his ass. "Aaooowww? That's your brother, okay? No big problem.
Carl Johnson: Wait! Please, man!
Mike Toreno: That was my last motivational speech, understand? Am I being too spiritual for you, Carl?
Carl Johnson: OK, man, I get the message.

Carl Johnson: [Toreno uses CJ to do his work] Why won't these guys come after me?
Mike Toreno: Oh, they can't because they're all posted on me. One DEA, one FBI, one Russian, a Cuban double agent and my pay masters. Checks and balances. Nobody is watching anybody watching nobody. You know what I mean? Go.
Carl Johnson: Whatever, man.

Carl Johnson: [Carl has to use an old plane] You sure this thing is safe? I can see daylight through the floor.
Mike Toreno: Hey, in that thing you look like an enthusiast. The US Air Force is less likely to shoot you down.
Carl Johnson: Cool, what's the problem then?
Mike Toreno: I said "less likely." If you did as much amphetamines as these guys did, you'd be lucky not to shoot anything that moves.
Carl Johnson: Aw, shit.
Mike Toreno: Hey, just stay low and you'll be fine.

[after watching a black van drive by them]
Carl Johnson: C'mon, dude, what's all that about?
The Truth: You don't want to know.
Carl Johnson: Why?
The Truth: Do you know what a sub-dermal neurophone is?
Carl Johnson: A what?
The Truth: Exactly. Sometimes its best to stay in the dark, kid.

[Toreno is talking to CJ over a radio]
Carl Johnson: Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!
Mike Toreno: Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.

Mike Toreno: You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.
Carl Johnson: That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!
Mike Toreno: Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

Carl Johnson: [an Obese CJ punches an innocent pedestrian] I ain't a fat bitch, bitch!

[Toreno is telling CJ to go kill some government agents on a plane]
Mike Toreno: Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?
Carl Johnson: Huh, man, kill Government agents?
Mike Toreno: Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.

[after one of Woozie's henchmen come in and put down two casino chips]
Woozie: One's a fake.
Carl Johnson: That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.
Woozie: No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?

[after Johnny Sindacco dies of a heart attack]
Carl Johnson: Damn! That nigga's fucked up!

[after shooting someone]
Carl Johnson: Bang! Bang! Bang!

[after hitting someone with your vehicle]
Carl Johnson: Damn! Did you buy your license?

Carl Johnson: [jacking a car] Isn't this what they mean by "carpool"?

[during a cell phone conversation]
The Truth: Carl...
Carl Johnson: Who is this?
The Truth: It's me. The Truth.
Carl Johnson: Who?
The Truth: Perfection. They said you were a moron.

Carl Johnson: [after killing someone] What did you expect? This is America!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.
Carl Johnson: 'Cause you been dealin' drugs, man. Since the age of ten. Ha, ha, ha.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. Nope. That ain't it.
Carl Johnson: 'Cause you put your hands on that teacher for wearin' Ballas colours. Ha, ha, ha.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ha, ha, ha. But, nope. That ain't it either. It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit. I am the real deal fool, oh, yeah. A genius.

Carl Johnson: [after crashing into a car] What kind of license you got? Fishin' license?

Carl Johnson: I'm a well-dressed maniac, fool!

Carl Johnson: [during screen saver mode, singing off key] Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... beyotch!

Carl Johnson: [after fucking a prostitute] I was incredible. You were just great.

Catalina: I feel good today, like a woman reborn!
Carl Johnson: Good, maybe you won't go berserk then.
Catalina: Oh, I go berserk, but not till I really pissed.

[first lines]
Carl Johnson: [voiceover] After five years on the East Coast, it was time to go home
[a previous phone call is heard]
Carl Johnson: 'Sup?
Sweet Johnson: Carl, it's Sweet.
Carl Johnson: Whassup, Sweet, what you want?
Sweet Johnson: It's Moms... She's dead, bro.

Carl Johnson: [after dropping Loc at his work] I'll see you around.
Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross: Like a 'quarter pound! Later!

Carl Johnson: [explaining why he hates swimming] When I was swimming in the ocean once when I was young, I got a condom stuck to my face.

Carl Johnson: [after hitting another car] Somebody going to be mad at you for smashing up their vehicle!

Mike Toreno: [sneaking up behind CJ at the airplane hangar in Verdant Meadows] Got you again, Carl! You're half-asleep, I coulda killed you in nine different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee!
Carl Johnson: You need to lay OFF the coffee!

Carl Johnson: That's going to my retirement fund

Carl Johnson: [when colliding with another car] I'm gonna get ugly on yo' ass, playa!

Carl Johnson: [punching someone] I'm rich and I'm fuckin' crazy!

Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Moms, I'm sooo sorry about this.

Carl Johnson: [accepting a prostitute] Yeah, maybe we should fall in love or somethin'?

Female Pedestrian: You just smell so sophisticated!
Carl Johnson: I smell like money.

Carl Johnson: [pointing a gun at someone] I'm a businessman and this is my business!

Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?
Carl Johnson: I hope you're clean, bitch.

Denise Robinson: Do you want to come in for some coffee?
Carl Johnson: You don't got no VD or nothing, do ya, bitch?

Carl Johnson: After five years on the East Coast, it was time to home.

Carl Johnson: Ah shit, here we go again.

Big Smoke: You picked the wrong house, fool!
Carl Johnson: Big smoke! It's me, Carl! Chill, chill!
Big Smoke: CJ...? Aaaooooww my dog! Whassup? Ha ha ha ha!

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: 'Ey, man, whatchu want?
Carl Johnson: Seeing my homie. What's up with you?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Eeeh, homie, jeah jeah. It's good to see you back.
Carl Johnson: No homie love? No hug?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, fo sho', fo sho' my nigga, my bad. What's crackin' with you?
Carl Johnson: 'Ey, man, what you strapped for?
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Man, some pizza place keeps painting over our hit up, man!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Shit is beautiful. Teach the owner a lesson.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: He's fucking with Grove Street. You down?
Carl Johnson: I'm always down.
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Ahhhh, jeah... Let's go, bitch.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: [Ryder points gun at employee] Give up the money! This a raid!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: Ryder! Not this again!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: It ain't me, fool!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: No one else is that small! I feel sorry for your dad!
Carl Johnson: Shit, you crazy! Let's get up outta here!
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Same old CJ! Busta! Straight busta!
The Well Stacked Pizza Co. Employee: [Employee grabs shotgun below and starts to shoot]
Lance 'Ryder' Wilson: Oh, shit! RUN!

Carl Johnson: Look, what was going on, Truth? Who was them dudes?
Jethro: Don't go that way!
The Truth: Listen to Jethro. Now what if I told you, we never went to the moon, JFK lives in Scotland with Janis Joplin and the only reason we've been in a Cold war for the last 45 years was because snake-headed aliens run the oil business?
Carl Johnson: I'd think you popped another microdot.
The Truth: Good, keep it that way.

[repeated line]
Carl Johnson: [when C.J. is running from the police] I don't want a nightstick up the ass.

Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] Lunch money.

Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] I'm going to spend this on a good meal.

Carl Johnson: [Answering his cell phone] Hey Cesar the Yeh are leaving San Fierro.
Cesar: Right CJ but they are using bikes and they go off road.

Carl Johnson: [If CJ is fat while taking money from someone] That ain't food!

Carl Johnson: [When someone crashes into your car] How are you allowed to drive if you're blind!

Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ turning down coffee] I prefer an ice cream sandwich to coffee.

Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ accepting coffee] Got anything to eat to?

Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Not to fast I might have a heart attack!

Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Grab on that is why they call them coffee.

Carl Johnson: [Fat CJ having coffee] Grab on that is why they call them love handles.