Jim Evers
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Quotes for
Jim Evers (Character)
from The Haunted Mansion (2003)

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The Haunted Mansion (2003)
Madame Leota: Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.
Jim: Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!

Jim: Hey, honey, you know they have dead people in the backyard.
Sara Evers: Well, some people have swimming pools, others have private cemeteries. It can happen.

[about to go over a steep hill]
Jim: Hold on!
Madame Leota: With what?

[Jim, Megan and Michael, are in the carriage riding past all the ghosts in the graveyard]
Michael: Dad?
Jim: Yeah, son?
Michael: I see dead people.

[last lines]
Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well ended for those who have passed. Love endures all, no reason, no rhyme. It lasts forever and forever all the time.
Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.
Michael: Are we there yet?
Megan: I'm getting pretty hungry.
Michael: Can we stop for some pizza?
Jim: Hey, how long before we get there, Sara?
Sara Evers: Twenty minutes, tops.
Jim: Nothing takes twenty minutes.

Jim: I gotta help my wife. She'll be...
Singing Busts: [singing] Comin' round the mountain when she comes...

Jim: Wait a minute. You're telling me this guy is dead, and the only reason we were brought here is he wants to get jiggy with my wife.
Ezra: Pretty much. Are you upset?
Jim: The guy is dead, and he's trying to get with my wife. And the house isn't really for sale. Yes, I'm upset.

Jim: The butler did it? You got to be kidding me.

[during the wedding service]
Ramsley: If anyone has any objections...
[Jim bursts in]
Jim: Yeah, I got a few objections!

[Jim has braved zombies to get a key that Leota said would solve everything]
Jim: Alright, I got the key. Now what?
Madame Leota: Now you must find the trunk.
Jim: Trunk?
Madame Leota: Yes, trunk.
Jim: Not door?
Madame Leota: No, not door. Trunk.
Jim: All you said I had to do was find this key. I got the key, and now you're telling me something about a trunk. "The key is the answer to all" remember?
Madame Leota: Look, I don't make the rules OK? I just work here.

Master Gracey: I'm warning you, sir.
[pulls out his sword]
Master Gracey: Step away.
Jim: Man, don't think just because you pull out your sword I'm going to let you marry my wife.
Master Gracey: My patience is wearing thin.

Madame Leota: Evil and darkness have fallen this night. But now, to survive, you must gain new sight.
Jim: I must first gain new underwear.

[to Master Gracey,who is about to strike Jim with his sword]
Jim: Hey. You wanna kill me, kill me. But listen, when I come on the other side, I'm gonna just be whipping your ass for all eternity.
[pulls out Elizabeth's real letter]
Jim: So maybe you should read this before you stab somebody.

Jim: Bob Vila would have a field day with this place.

Jim: Where's that scary albino when you need him?

Master Gracey: You have very beautiful children, Ms. Evers.
Jim: I kicked in some chromosomes too.

Jim: Well, great, I'm in, let's get this key!
Megan: There's only one problem: how do we get out of here?
Jim: Yeah, how do we get out of here?
Ezra: Well, there's always, uh... my way.
[cut to ghostly horse-drawn carriage crashing through the wall of the Mansion]

[while looking at a magazine in Michael's room]
Jim: Hey, this is my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. What are you doing with it?
Michael: [shrugs] I don't know.
Jim: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.

[Michael runs out of his bedroom screaming]
Michael: There's a spider in my room!
Jim: There's a what?
Michael: There's a spider in my room! He's on the window!
Jim: Well, why don't you kill it, man?
[pause]
Michael: That's a big spider!

[Jim sees the Hitchhiking Ghosts peering into the carriage]
Jim: Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
Hitchhiking Ghost: Can they see us?
Hitchhiking Ghost: No, of course not!
Jim: Yes, I can see you. I'm looking at you right now in your stupid hat!
Hitchhiking Ghost: Don't listen to him! He's lying!
Jim: OK whatever. C'mon kids.
Hitchhiking Ghost: I could swear he was looking right at me.
Hitchhiking Ghost: He's psychic.

Megan: They're ghosts, Dad.
Jim: They're not ghosts. We're just having hallucinations from that dinner that we ate. It was that chicken, it didn't taste right.
[insulted, Emma turns into mist and re-appears right in front of Jim]
Emma: Hey!
Jim: Whoa!

[Jim, ignoring the ghosts, just wants to get out of the house]
Megan: But Dad, we have to help them!
Jim: You can't help the dead, honey. They're beyond help. That's the nature of being dead.

Madame Leota: Whom do you seek?
Jim: I am seeking a way outta here.
Madame Leota: Then you must look within.
Jim: I don't wanna look within, I wanna look without! Are you deaf?

Megan: [whacks spider] There. Ya happy?
Jim: No, I'm not happy! I'm trying to show Michael how important it is to whack your own spiders!
Megan: [walking away] Whatever.

[Ramsley has just revealed what really happened to Elisabeth]
Ramsley: The Master must never know. Edward and his love will be reunited and this curse will be broken.
Jim: That's not her, that's my wife!
Ramsley: And what she sees in you, I'll never know.

Madame Leota: What are you doing?
Jim: Hey, you leave me alone. Just get out of here and leave me alone.
Madame Leota: Oh, I see. You're just going to sit there, feeling sorry for yourself.
Jim: Tell me why not. This whole thing was my fault. We should've never been here in the first place. Supposed to be at the lake. We'd be sitting by a warm fire right now. And I made us come here. And now it's too late.
Madame Leota: No. It's never too late.
Jim: Hey, look, I tried to get in there, and I can't, all right? I tried! I failed!
Madame Leota: You try. You fail. You try. You fail. But the only true failure is when you stop trying.
Jim: What do you want me to do? Huh?
Madame Leota: Try again.
[Cut to Jim, behind the wheel of his car, preparing to plough it through the Mansion window]

Jim: Excuse me, why are all these ghosts still hanging around here?
Emma: When they died, they couldn't find the light. And now, now they're trapped. Doomed to wander the Earth for all eternity.