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: So, when do I get out of here? Sandy
: As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom. Barbara
: What's the problem? What is the ransom? Sandy
: Well, we asked for $500,000. Barbara
: That should be no problem. Sandy
: He wouldn't pay. Barbara
: He wouldn't pay? Sandy
: Then we asked him for $50,000. Barbara
: Yeah? Sandy
: He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000. Barbara
: Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down?
: I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!
: I don't think he loves her. Ken Kessler
: Well, let's face it, she's not Mother Teresa. Gandhi would have strangled her.
: Wouldn't it be better if we were to strike at the core of Sam's being? His reason for living? Sandy
: Well, what would that be? Barbara
: HIS TESTICLES!
[on finding out that Sam has a mistress and was glad she was kidnapped
: I've got it, I tell you, I've got it! Okay, Sam arrives at noon on a motorcycle, wearing shorts! No shoes, no shirt, nothing... maybe we'll just put him in a jock strap! Then he has to drive all over town. Sam burns really easily, he'll be bright red in no time! Ken Kessler
: I can't believe this is happening... Barbara
: Then he has to cover himself with honey, and go to a bee farm! We'll make him dance around, so the bees go absolutely nuts! Ken Kessler
: [to Sandy, who looks disturbed
] I don't think she really means it... Barbara
: Then we all watch, while they sting him to death! YEAH!
[she makes kicking and punching motions
] Ken Kessler
: Barbara, don't we want something that'll last, something that'll keep stinging him for the rest of his life? Sandy
: My God, he must have been seeing this woman for years... Barbara
: CASTRATE HIM! I want to castrate him!
[she mimes cutting something off with scissors, then tossing it over her shoulder
: No matter what I do, there's nothing I can say... she just tears into me! She hates me. Ken Kessler
: Sandy, you're her kidnapper. She's *supposed* to hate you.
: We've got to be ruthless. Think ruthless. Sandy
: What if I can't think ruthless? Ken Kessler
: You've got to. It's good for you. It makes you strong. I mean, what the hell's the sense of being a decent person when nobody else is?
: [about the kidnapping of Barbara
] I feel terrible about this. Do you feel as guilty as I do? Ken Kessler
: Guilty? Are you kidding me? He takes our money, steals your idea, goes out and makes a million dollars and you feel guilty? I can't believe this! How many times have we been over this? Sandy
: Honey, not again... Ken Kessler
: [pulls out a People magazine with Sam Stone on the cover
] Let me remind you of something. YOU are the spandex mini-skirt king. Not him! He is the spandex mini-skirt thief. He's the one that should feel guilty!
[turns to a page
] Ken Kessler
: Look at this! Do you remember this? You cried for a week when you saw this. Look at the smile on that asshole! Sandy
: I know he stole it! But she didn't do anything. Ken Kessler
: She was his partner! Damn it, Sandy! Do you enjoy being stepped on? Do you? Because I don't, and I don't feel guilty.
[after a pause
] Ken Kessler
: I take it back. I do feel guilty. I feel very guilty because I trusted a sleazeball named Sam Stone with our life savings on a handshake deal, and then just sat there and watched him take it all away from us!
[Ken is horrified to hear that Sandy has let Barbara go
: Kenny, she really, truly loves us now! She can be trusted, she's changed! Ken Kessler
: Changed? What did you do, perform an exorcism? Sandy
: Kenny, she lost nearly twenty pounds!
[He stares at her, uncomprehending
: Well, you should have been here. It was a very special moment.
[Suddenly someone pounds on the front door. Both Ken and Sandy look at each other with dread
] Ken Kessler
: I'm surprised they knocked.
[while Sandy bolts for the back door, Ken opens the front door to a police officer with a "Wanted" flyer
] Cop with Killer Picture
: Good afternoon. I was wondering if you've seen this man. He was sighted in the area a few weeks ago, and again earlier today. He's psychotic, extremely dangerous, and extremely violent. He's killed half a dozen people... Sandy
: [off-screen, panicked after seeing the cop at the door
] Oh no, oh no... I've gotta get out of here! Ken Kessler
: [forcing a smile
] My wife... she's late for work.