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: So, when do I get out of here? Sandy
: As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom. Barbara
: What's the problem? What is the ransom? Sandy
: Well, we asked for $500,000. Barbara
: That should be no problem. Sandy
: He wouldn't pay. Barbara
: He wouldn't pay? Sandy
: Then we asked him for $50,000. Barbara
: Yeah? Sandy
: He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000. Barbara
: Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down?
: I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!
[Barbara has been kidnaped
: My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*!
[Meanwhile, Sam Stone pops a champagne cork with glee
] Sam Stone
: Bye-bye, Barbara!
: [seeing the Donald and Daisy Duck masks Ken and Sandy are wearing
] Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!
: [to Ken about the dead Bedroom Killer
] He said I looked like his mother. He hates his mother. So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father... this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.
: [Barbara has just thrown a lamp at Ken making him drop a serving tray with food on it
] Hey... no dinner for you then. Barbara
] Aw gee whiz, that really sucks. I'm a real aficionado of death camp cuisine!
[the moment the gag is out of her mouth
: YOU'VE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG PERSON! My husband does business with the Mafia! When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever KNEW will all get chainsaw enemas!
: Wouldn't it be better if we were to strike at the core of Sam's being? His reason for living? Sandy
: Well, what would that be? Barbara
: HIS TESTICLES!
: It could mean the difference between life... and the chair!
[makes electrocution sound
: Or the gas chamber.
[makes hissing and gasping sounds
: Sometimes it's the firing squad. They miss *all* the major arteries... BANG!
[acts like she's been shot
: And you don't die right away, you just lie there bleeding... and bleeding... and *bleeding*...
: She's in bad shape, Sam. We've been torturing her.
[He holds the phone to the stove, Sandy presses a tofu-burger, making a sizzling sound
] Sam Stone
: Don't kill her! Don't kill her! I'll pay the ransom! Ken Kessler
: Good, because not only we heard about your legal troubles, we also just found out your wife is worth quite a bit more than ten thousand. Sam Stone
: What do you mean? Ken Kessler
: We just changed our minds since you really now want your wife back, so we've upped the ransom. Sam Stone
: To what? Ken Kessler
: We're up to two million dollars. Sam Stone
: TWO MILLION DOLLARS? Are you out of your fucking mind? Where'd you get an incredible figure like that? Ken Kessler
: Oh, you'd be surprised at the quality and quantity of information a lit cigarette can provide.
[Sandy presses again
: AAAAAH! Ken Kessler
: WHAT ELSE? Sam Stone
: [into phone
] Shh! Shh! Shh! Barbara
: Gems! He's got rare gems in a safe...
: Oh Sam, forgive me! Ken Kessler
: WHAT KIND OF GEMS? HOW MANY? Barbara
: I don't know!
[Sam raises a fist as the sizzling comes again
: AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAHHH! Barbara
: [stops Sandy
] Four flawless one-carat diamonds! Sam Stone
: [puts phone to shoulder
] The bitch blabbed!
: [about the basement she is being held in
] Jeeeeeesus CHRIST! IT SMELLS LIKE A TOILET IN HERE!
[on finding out that Sam has a mistress and was glad she was kidnapped
: I've got it, I tell you, I've got it! Okay, Sam arrives at noon on a motorcycle, wearing shorts! No shoes, no shirt, nothing... maybe we'll just put him in a jock strap! Then he has to drive all over town. Sam burns really easily, he'll be bright red in no time! Ken Kessler
: I can't believe this is happening... Barbara
: Then he has to cover himself with honey, and go to a bee farm! We'll make him dance around, so the bees go absolutely nuts! Ken Kessler
: [to Sandy, who looks disturbed
] I don't think she really means it... Barbara
: Then we all watch, while they sting him to death! YEAH!
[she makes kicking and punching motions
] Ken Kessler
: Barbara, don't we want something that'll last, something that'll keep stinging him for the rest of his life? Sandy
: My God, he must have been seeing this woman for years... Barbara
: CASTRATE HIM! I want to castrate him!
[she mimes cutting something off with scissors, then tossing it over her shoulder
: [on the phone with Sam
] Do you have it all? 2.2 million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills?
: You miserable, scum-sucking pig!
: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! They made me say that. Sam Stone
: Yeah, it's all here. Barbara
: And you have it all in a briefcase?
: You scumbag, you low-life motherfucker!
: Oh, dear. They made me say that too!
] Nice butt. That's what they'll say. Ken Kessler
: I beg your pardon? Barbara
: Nice butt. That's what they'll say on your first day, in the men's club. Ken Kessler
: The men's club? Barbara
: Mmm. The San Quentin Country Club. With a cute little rear end like that, you'll be the belle of the ball. Your dance card'll be filled every day. You'll be so popular, making all kinds of new, close friends. Big, ugly, hairy friends! Not that you'll ever see what they look like, 'cause you'll be facing the other way. Ken Kessler
: You're very good at this. You should write children's books.
: [on the phone at Ken and Sandy's house
] Help, operator, I've been kidnapped! Barbara
: [listens for a second
] Well, how the hell do I know where I am?
: I've been kidnapped by K-mart!