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Quotes for
Dr. Stanley Keyworth (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

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"The West Wing: Noël (#2.10)" (2000)
Stanley Keworth: How'd you cut your hand?
Josh Lyman: [thinks about the question, but doesn't respond]
Stanley Keworth: You're not talking to the paperboy either, Josh.

Josh Lyman: You're not going to understand it.
Stanley Keworth: I'm a fairly well-educated guy.

Stanley Keworth: [Prompting him] Josh.
Josh Lyman: I was fine.
Stanley Keworth: [Not believing] Josh.
Josh Lyman: It was the Bach, G Major.
Stanley Keworth: That's a nice piece.
Josh Lyman: It is.
Stanley Keworth: Did he play it well?
Josh Lyman: It's Yo-Yo Ma.
Stanley Keworth: I've never heard him in person.
Josh Lyman: It's really... It's really quite something.

Stanley Keworth: [Josh is realizing music makes him relive the shooting] What happened then?
Josh Lyman: I couldn't make it stop...
[cut to scene of Josh starting to have an episode]
Josh Lyman: I couldn't make it stop...

Josh Lyman: Why would the music have started it?
Stanley Keworth: Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as...
Josh Lyman: sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music?
Stanley Keworth: No.
Josh Lyman: Why not?
Stanley Keworth: Because... we get better.

"The West Wing: Night Five (#3.14)" (2002)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I'm saying it's not stress. I was feeling stressed five nights ago too, and I slept just fine.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: So what happened four nights ago?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I want my money back.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: [pauses] This is a very unusual conversation.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I get that a lot.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I'd imagine.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: So, what do you charge?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: $375 an hour.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: For $375 an hour, you ought to bring your own damn lingerie.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I do.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: There's a great story about Arthur Miller. Death of a Salesman had just opened on Broadway the night before, and he was walking around his old neighborhood in Brooklyn, and he sees a hot dog vendor that he went to high school with, and he says, 'Hey Jimmy, it's me, Arthur Miller'. And the hot dog vendor says, 'Artie, how you doing? What you been up to?' And Miller says, 'I'm, you know, I'm a playwright'. The hot dog vendor says, 'Hmm, play writing... I should've gone into that'.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: $375 an hour.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: Yes, sir.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: For what?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I don't really know.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth: Screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth: It can't be easy being you
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I told you...
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I don't mean the job. I meant, you know, being inside your head.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: What's wrong with my head?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I don't know.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Of course not, that would be $385 an hour.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: They keep moving the goalposts on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honours. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: It's not good for a person to keep setting goals?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: It probably is, but it's tricky for somebody who's still trying to get his father to stop hitting him.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Well, I'm told that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: Yeah, but that's most men. That's not you. That's the other people, the ones who feel stress. You're destined for something else.

"The West Wing: Posse Comitatus (#3.22)" (2002)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Let me ask you something. Is there a crime, which if it wasn't illegal, you'd do?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: I'd park anywhere I wanted to.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Right, but you wouldn't rob a bank?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: No.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Connecticut had a law prohibiting the use of contraceptives. It was written out of rage against adultery. But in the age of AIDS, don't Connecticut residents do more for the general welfare by flagrantly breaking the law?
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: There was a law against... contraceptives?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Yeah.
Dr. Stanley Keyworth: Can I ask, sir, how somebody used to get caught?