Toby Ziegler
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Quotes for
Toby Ziegler (Character)
from "The West Wing" (1999)

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"The West Wing: Celestial Navigation (#1.15)" (2000)
[Justice Mendoza has been wrongfully arrested]
Toby Ziegler: Hello, Mr. Justice. How are you?
Judge Roberto Mendoza: Incarcerated, Toby. How are you?

Judge Roberto Mendoza: You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life.
Toby Ziegler: Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.
Judge Roberto Mendoza: [angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away.
Toby Ziegler: He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.
Judge Roberto Mendoza: He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.

Josh Lyman: [Toby has phoned Josh to tell him that he and Sam are lost] Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?
Toby Ziegler: I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh Lyman: [brief pause] How long before you let up on me on that?
Toby Ziegler: Oh, it's gonna take a little while, I would think.

Sam Seaborn: There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know where the Wesley police station is.
Toby Ziegler: Or you could just pull in there,
[points]
Toby Ziegler: at the Wesley police station and ask them.
Sam Seaborn: Hey!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Look!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.

Toby Ziegler: [Toby is in a jail cell with Judge Mendoza who's been erroneously arrested for drunk driving] One phone call, Judge. "Toby, this has happened. Tell them my name's Roberto Mendoza and the President's named me to the bench!"
Judge Roberto Mendoza: They pulled me over because I look like my name is Roberto Mendoza and I'm coming to rob your house.

Toby Ziegler: There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd want to extract vengeance, and I'd say "Let justice be done." I'd also want to spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice. Let me take you to the motel. Go see your boy.

Toby Ziegler: It's your lucky night, officers. There isn't going to be a report, there isn't going to be an investigation, no one's getting suspended. And no one's filing a hundred million dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in this room, you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your squad car and you're gonna follow us and you're gonna apologize to his son.
Sgt. MacNamara: Judge Mendoza, we sincerely apologize for our mistake.
Judge Roberto Mendoza: Thank you.
Toby Ziegler: Let's go.

Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen on your head?
Josh Lyman: Toby... Listen...
Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?

Leo McGarry: Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations - what's the word?
Toby Ziegler: Catastrophes.
Leo McGarry: ...incidents, in the few hours you were away last night.

Toby Ziegler: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

Officer Peter: You walk in here, you tell me you work for the President...
Sam Seaborn: [looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are. My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach the conclusion that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't you go get your watch commander?
[Officer Peter leaves the room. Sam turns to Toby]
Sam Seaborn: Let me tell you something. If we'd have stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of getting off on exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd have wound up in Bridgeport so many times.
Toby Ziegler: Shut up.

Josh Lyman: [after his disastrous press briefing] Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.
Toby Ziegler: [From off camera] Where the hell is he?
Josh Lyman: Never mind.


"The West Wing: Red Haven's on Fire (#4.17)" (2003)
Sam Seaborn: How'd you call Josh?
Toby Ziegler: What do you mean?
Sam Seaborn: Didn't they take your cellphone from you?
Toby Ziegler: I borrowed theirs.
[motions to the bench of call girls]
Sam Seaborn: So on a call girl's phone bill, there's going to be a call to Air Force One?
Toby Ziegler: You're really going to be teaching the seminar on call girl caution? Really?

C.J. Cregg: He looks youthful...
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
C.J. Cregg: ...and energetic.
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
C.J. Cregg: He looks youthful and energetic. Do we have anything he can jump over?

Sam Seaborn: [to Charlie] You're all right?
Charlie Young: Yeah, I'm all right. You know, when you sit in a cage, you have time to do a lot of thinking.
Toby Ziegler: Hurricane, we were in the joint for two hours and 20 minutes, 'kay?

Toby Ziegler: You know what they don't tell you? You can post bond with a credit card.
Charlie Young: [to officer] Yo, man, that's totally whack!
Toby Ziegler: [into cellphone] Yeah. Charlie's trying to throw down with the street. It's kind of a sad sight to see.
Charlie Young: [to officer] I've got American Express. I've got Visa. I could've posted bond and gotten miles, damn it.

Toby Ziegler: No, I just got off with Josh, and I'm running the campaign for the last week.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. Technically, the President can't fire Scott Holcomb.
Toby Ziegler: He was taking it in the wrong direction, Sam, and you know it.
Sam Seaborn: And you guys are going to take it in the right direction?
Toby Ziegler: We made a rough entrance here, but things are looking up now.
Sam Seaborn: You trapped people at Disneyland, told the French they could stick a loaf of bread up their ass, had a meeting with a Communist, and things are looking up 'cause my new campaign director just made bail.
Toby Ziegler: Look, a glass is half full or half... You know, the other thing...

Toby Ziegler: [Toby in California] Charlie and I got arrested.
Will Bailey: [Will in Washington] Yeah, I saw it on the news.
Toby Ziegler: It made the news out there?
Will Bailey: A Jewish guy won a bar fight-- it's news everywhere.

Sam Seaborn: I'm gonna lose.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: There's no chance of a miracle?
Toby Ziegler: No.
Sam Seaborn: Then why are you here?
Toby Ziegler: You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did.
Sam Seaborn: [sarcastically] Oh, really?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: [Sam is touched and seriously asks] Really?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.

Toby Ziegler: All right, I called that putt too early.

Sam Seaborn: How'd you call Josh?
Toby Ziegler: What do you mean?
Sam Seaborn: Didn't they take your cell phone from you?
Toby Ziegler: I borrowed theirs.
[Points to a woman sitting on a bench in a cell]
Sam Seaborn: So on a call girl's phone bill, there's going to be a call to Air Force One?
Toby Ziegler: You're really going to be teaching the seminar on call girl caution? Really?


"The West Wing: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Josh Lyman: Look, I already took Leo's morning beating. What do you want from me?
Toby Ziegler: I want you to keep your job.
Josh Lyman: How?
Toby Ziegler: I'm gonna make a suggestion, which might help you out, but I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.
Josh Lyman: I understand.

Toby Ziegler: You think the United States is under attack from 1,200 Cubans in rowboats?
Sam Seaborn: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby Ziegler: Mind-boggling to me we ever won an election.

Toby Ziegler: I agree with Josh and I agree with C.J. and I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy...

Toby Ziegler: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle series L1011. It came off the line 20 months ago. It carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

[Toby's first line]
Toby Ziegler: I'm just about done.

John Van Dyke: The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."
Toby Ziegler: No it doesn't.
Josh Lyman: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: It doesn't!
Josh Lyman: Listen...
Toby Ziegler: No! If I'm going to make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're going to get the names of the damn commandments right.
Mary Marsh: Okay. Here we go.
Toby Ziegler: "Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment.
John Van Dyke: Then what's the First Commandment?
President Josiah Bartlet: "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me." Boy, those were the days, huh?


"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 2 - Over There (#4.15)" (2003)
Will Bailey: I heard once - I don't know if this is true - I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night.
Toby Ziegler: [scoffs] There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation.
Will Bailey: Well, if I'd have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met.

Toby Ziegler: We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, then we're about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up.

Josh Lyman: I'm not talking about fighting two wars at once. I'm not talking about fighting wars. Intervening when there's violence against people who are defenseless...
Toby Ziegler: Fine, but if we go here, that means they can go there. And look, there's more injustice over there.
Josh Lyman: We elect these people. And not for nothing, but if we'd been the world's policeman in the thirties, you and I...
Toby Ziegler: We'd have had a lot more relatives.

Toby Ziegler: He's speaking in verse.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: A literary curse.

Josh Lyman: It's good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop. The four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?
Will: The bad cop.
Josh Lyman: Danny, what are you?
Danny Concannon: The bad cop.
Josh Lyman: Toby, what are you?
Toby Ziegler: Hurry up.
Josh Lyman: Charlie, who are you?
Charlie Young: I love Zoey and I must have her back.
Josh Lyman: The bad cop, that's right.
Will: [to Charlie] That's great news about Zoey. I didn't meet her but I bet she's nice.
Charlie Young: Not really, but my love for her knows no bounds.
Danny Concannon: Charlie, aren't you cold without a coat?
Charlie Young: I took off my coat to show my love for Zoey.
Danny Concannon: Wow.
Charlie Young: I'd take off my shirt too, but it's inappropriate with a tuxedo.
Danny Concannon: Not if we were at Chippendale's.


"The West Wing: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc (#1.2)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby Ziegler: [pause] Really?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam Seaborn: A call girl.
Toby Ziegler: Accidentally?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Toby Ziegler: Before you picked up a hooker?
Sam Seaborn: Call girl.
Toby Ziegler: Well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.

Toby Ziegler: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves.

Josh Lyman: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.
C.J. Cregg: What's his problem?
Donna Moss: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
Toby Ziegler: We heard.

Toby Ziegler: Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?
Mrs. Landingham: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
Toby Ziegler: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby?
Toby Ziegler: Late twenties?
Mrs. Landingham: Atta boy.
Toby Ziegler: Can I have a cookie?
Mrs. Landingham: No.


"The West Wing: Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail (#2.16)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: In my day, we knew how to protest.
C.J. Cregg: What day was that?
Toby Ziegler: 1968.
Josh Lyman: How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
Toby Ziegler: My sisters took me.
[beat]
Toby Ziegler: Anybody got a problem with that?

Toby Ziegler: We had the underground. We had rapid response.
C.J. Cregg: And, by God, you were home by supper on a school night.

C.J. Cregg: No cameras.
Toby Ziegler: You negotiated that?
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: And they agreed to it?
C.J. Cregg: You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
Toby Ziegler: Well, when don't I?

Toby Ziegler: I hate these people with the heat of a nova.

Toby Ziegler: It's activist vacation, is what it is. Spring break for anarchist wannabes. The black t-shirts, the gas masks? Fashion accessories.
Officer Rhonda Sachs: [sarcastic] These kids today with the hair and the clothes.
Toby Ziegler: Alright, that's it flatfoot.
Officer Rhonda Sachs: I got great feet.
Toby Ziegler: You want to know the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.
Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: Food is cheaper! Clothes are cheaper. Steel is cheaper. Cars are cheaper. Phone service is cheaper. You feel me building a rhythm here? That's because I'm a speech writer - I know how to make a point.
Officer Rhonda Sachs: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: It lowers prices, it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there?
Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites, and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. Heh, and that's it. Free trade stops wars! And we figure out a way to fix the rest. One world, one peace - I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.
Officer Rhonda Sachs: [sarcastic] God, Toby. Wouldn't it be great if there was someone around with the communication skills who could go in there and tell them that?
Toby Ziegler: [beat] Shut up.


"The West Wing: Election Night (#4.7)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: He wrote a concession speech.
Josh Lyman: Of course he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
Sam Seaborn: The wrath from high atop the thing.
Toby Ziegler: He upped and said we were gonna...
Josh Lyman: No, you got to go outside, turn around three times and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Spit.
Josh Lyman: Spit and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Do everything. Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
[Sam gets up and leaves the room]

Sam Seaborn: You wrote a concession?
Toby Ziegler: Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Toby Ziegler: Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?

Toby Ziegler: The things we do in our lives, many of them are not voluntary.

Toby Ziegler: These bodies of yours, I don't know how you live with them.
Andrea Wyatt: You don't seem to mind.
Toby Ziegler: I like the outsides.

Toby Ziegler: My kids have heads


"The West Wing: The Crackpots and These Women (#1.5)" (1999)
Toby Ziegler: Charlie, guard the new guy.

[the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President]
Josh Lyman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm making a substitution.
Toby Ziegler: Who is this guy?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.
Toby Ziegler: A ringer, perhaps?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant is a federal employee.
[Mr. Grant is played by real-life NBA forward Juwan Howard]
Toby Ziegler: You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Josiah Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman: Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: When have I ever cheated?
Toby Ziegler: Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American consulate in Vienna.
President Josiah Bartlet: And she did.
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

Toby Ziegler: ...If I were an actor or a writer or uh, uh, uh, a producer in Hollywood and someone were to start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.
President Josiah Bartlet: Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?
Toby Ziegler: No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.

Leo McGarry: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
Toby Ziegler: Huh.
Leo McGarry: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Toby Ziegler: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo McGarry: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Seaborn: Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
Leo McGarry: And Sam goes on my list!
Sam Seaborn: And what about Toby?
Leo McGarry: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Mandy Hampton: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.


"The West Wing: Shibboleth (#2.8)" (2000)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's 'cause every time we come up on a holiday you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby Ziegler: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam Seaborn: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby Ziegler: Nobody here has checked out.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row it came up tails.

[Josh and Caldwell are talking, and Toby walks by]
Rev. Al Caldwell: Good morning, Toby.
Toby Ziegler: Good morning, Reverend.
Rev. Al Caldwell: You look determined.
Toby Ziegler: I am, sir.
Rev. Al Caldwell: Good boy.

Sam Seaborn: Well over three and half centuries ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs - and solve crimes.
Toby Ziegler: Sam...
Sam Seaborn: It'd be good.
Toby Ziegler: Read the thing.
Sam Seaborn: By day they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
Toby Ziegler: Read the thing.
Sam Seaborn: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby Ziegler: Do you see me laughing?
Sam Seaborn: I think you're laughing on the inside.
Toby Ziegler: OK.
Sam Seaborn: With the big hats.

Toby Ziegler: Listen, I don't know what you're doing for dinner tonight but Josh and Sam and I...
C.J. Cregg: It's about damn time you asked me! I've been sitting here for two weeks turning down all kinds of very, frankly, glamorous invitations from people I like a lot more than you! You can't ask a girl at the last minute...
Toby Ziegler: Well, if you can't come...
C.J. Cregg: No, I can come! I can come! I can come!
Toby Ziegler: Good.
C.J. Cregg: Should I bring anything?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah. Do you know how to, you know, cook food?


"The West Wing: Holy Night (#4.11)" (2002)
Josh Lyman: I just need to tell you this. Come here. Sorry, come here.
Toby Ziegler: Josh...
Josh Lyman: Come here. All right, it was desperation. It wasn't out of a desire to do evil. He had a young family and he barely spoke the language. He went to jail. He went to jail and you went to school, and it was all a half century ago. Look what he did in two generations. What room did you just walk out of?
Toby Ziegler: I appreciate that that's what you think. Do I get to think what I think?
Josh Lyman: No, you don't, cause you don't know what I know.
Toby Ziegler: What?
Josh Lyman: That I would give anything to have a living father who was a felon, or a sister with a past... That's it.

Claypool: How pregnant is your ex-wife?
Toby Ziegler: As I understand pregnancy, it's a binary state. You either are or you aren't.

Toby Ziegler: I'm told that on my sunniest days I'm not that fun to be around. I wonder what's gonna happen when you make my children a part of your life.

Toby Ziegler: Listen, when you get home tonight you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero.


"The West Wing: Galileo (#2.9)" (2000)
Leo McGarry: What are you smiling at?
Josh Lyman: Nothing, I just... Toby got the stamp assignment.
Toby Ziegler: Leo, I might need some help.
Leo McGarry: Take Josh.
Toby Ziegler: Thanks. Congratulations, you're choosing the next stamp.
Josh Lyman: Wow, that happened fast.

C.J. Cregg: This time of year, is the water in the Potomac very, very cold?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but if you rub chicken fat all over yourself, it'll insulate.

C.J. Cregg: So that leaves us with the televised classroom, the green beans...
Josh Lyman: [under his breath] The stamp.
C.J. Cregg: ...the stamp, and - depending on who those people were that were standing near me - the possibility of a story about me being good in bed.
Toby Ziegler: Good in bed.
C.J. Cregg: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: Why?
C.J. Cregg: [emphatically] Because I am.
Toby Ziegler: Okay.

[Of the Mars probe ship Galileo]
Toby Ziegler: They know it was on course traveling at a rate of 15,400 miles per hour, which it was supposed to. Somewhere during its descent it was also supposed to release two probes - each about the size of a basketball - firing them deep into the ground as part of the mission's search for evidence of water under surface.
Josh Lyman: We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet and find water?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Josh Lyman: That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?


"The West Wing: The White House Pro-Am (#1.17)" (2000)
[after Sam returns from the gym where he talked to a Congresswoman]
Sam Seaborn: She was inspired by the First Lady. She thought this morning there were trumpets and she doesn't want you...
Toby Ziegler: There were trumpets?
Sam Seaborn: The trumpet called, the trumpets sounded...
Toby Ziegler: What the hell goes on at that gym?

Toby Ziegler: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing?
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby Ziegler: Then shut up.

Josh Lyman: You like winning, don't you?
Toby Ziegler: Saves you from having to say the word "please".

Josh Lyman: This - right here - this is why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
Toby Ziegler: I've cultivated that reputation.
Josh Lyman: Could I get you to try harder in there?
Toby Ziegler: Sure, 'cause right now I'm not trying at all.


"The West Wing: 17 People (#2.18)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear, when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed a letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability, why there isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that if there was a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander-in-Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal, state, and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky, at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from! I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets, that it was Leo, WHO NO ONE ELECTED. For ninety minutes that night there was a coup d'etat in this country.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: And the walls came tumbling down.

Toby Ziegler: It's never happened before, right?
Leo McGarry: No.
Toby Ziegler: The Vice President would never challenge a sitting President for the nomination.
Leo McGarry: 'Course not.
Toby Ziegler: You see his itinerary for the weekend?
Leo McGarry: Who?
Toby Ziegler: The Vice President.
Leo McGarry: I don't keep tabs on John.
Toby Ziegler: He's giving a speech at a semiconductor plant. The title of the speech is, "Clean Air Industry in the High-tech Corridor of the Industrial Northeast."
Leo McGarry: Where?
Toby Ziegler: Nashua... New Hampshire.
Leo McGarry: Toby, nobody, and particularly not Hoynes would be naive enough... what I mean to say is if he's going to New Hampshire for the reason you're thinking he would mask it with something. It wouldn't be an official trip. He'd make up a benign excuse to be up there.
Toby Ziegler: I know.
Leo McGarry: So why worry?
Toby Ziegler: Because it comes in the middle of a three-day camping trip to Killington.
[pause]
Toby Ziegler: Why does Hoynes think the President isn't going to run again? What's going on, Leo?

Toby Ziegler: I have no kind of investigative mind. Zero. It took me six days and 23 minutes to figure it out.

Toby Ziegler: Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs! He wanted me to find out!


"The West Wing: The Supremes (#5.17)" (2004)
Josh Lyman: Obviously we're impressed with your record.
Toby Ziegler: Your work on the 14th Amendment in particular is the stuff that dreams were made of.
Josh Lyman: But before anything else, we want to gauge your interest level, this would certainly be a lifestyle...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: We can just chat.
Josh Lyman: I'm sorry?
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: I hear you really went to bat for Erick Hayden.
Josh Lyman: I wish we could have gotten him confirmed
Toby Ziegler: Judge Lang, if the president...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: Is he still teaching?
Josh Lyman: Erick? Yeah. Um, again, if we...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: The conservative anchor of the Court has just died, a young, brilliant thinker, who brought the right out of the closet and championed a whole conservative revival. You cannot replace Owen Brady with a woman who overturned a parental consent law, you'd be shishkababed and set aflame on the South Lawn. Two reporters, three reporters have walked by since we started. I'm window dressing, that's fine. I'm happy to help, but let's just chat about the weather.

Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: Well I don't mind. But people wonder why the appellate system is so backed up. We shouldn't let them know this is how I spend my time.
Toby Ziegler: Well, if you were less appealing...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: And the same to you, sir.

Toby Ziegler: You were yanking my chain?
Justice Christopher Mulready: You call me for a meeting with a democratic President in the middle of the night, are you really going to give me crap about yanking your chain?

Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: [has just walked in on Toby meeting with Judge Mulready] Well this is a sight to see. One of the more unlikely meetings in the history of the Bartlett White House.
Justice Christopher Mulready: [stands up to shake her hand] It's good to see you, Evie.
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: You too, Chris. I came to say goodbye, I wish I had a camera.
Justice Christopher Mulready: Mr. Zeigler was trying to convince me the Defense of Marriage act is unconstitutional.
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: [chuckling] Oh, DOMA? He was trying to convince you?
Toby Ziegler: What?
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: He doesn't need convincing.
Toby Ziegler: Well I wasn't doing a particularly...
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: He's yanking your chain. He would never uphold DOMA. He might not love the idea of gay marriage, but he hates congressional overreaching, and Congress doesn't have the power to legislate marriage. The issue isn't privacy.
Justice Christopher Mulready: Or equal protection.
Chief Justice Evelyn Baker Lang: It's enumerated powers. He'll have an easier time knocking down DOMA than I will.
Justice Christopher Mulready: Lack of imagination on your part, if I may be so bold.


"The West Wing: The Midterms (#2.3)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
Toby Ziegler: God bless America.

C.J. Cregg: I think you're Director of Operations and you're neglecting your responsibilities...
Toby Ziegler: That's crap.
C.J. Cregg: So you can behave like the director of the FBI.
Toby Ziegler: I'm waiting for the director of the FBI to behave that way. I'm waiting for the Justice Department to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for the White House to behave that way!
C.J. Cregg: You want to lock up everybody with a white sheet?
Toby Ziegler: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Who has a problem with that? Bring them to me right now. Yes, I do!

C.J. Cregg: You're pissed at me?
Toby Ziegler: I'm saying, I could've used your support in there.
C.J. Cregg: You get my support the same way I get yours: when I agree with what you're saying or when I don't care about what you're saying. This time I disagreed.


"The West Wing: The Women of Qumar (#3.9)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: It's not going to be a big deal.
Sam Seaborn: Isn't that what we usually say right before something becomes a big deal?

President Josiah Bartlet: You know, after the Civil War, veterans had to come to D.C. to get their pensions? They had to visit the office personally. They waited for a clerk to look through all the Civil War records until their papers were found. You know what the papers were bound with?
Toby Ziegler: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Red tape. That's where it comes from.

Toby Ziegler: Ginger?
Ginger: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: Have you set up a meeting for me?
Ginger: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: With the veteran's group?
Ginger: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: The one that's talking about not coming?
Ginger: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: You haven't yet have you?
Ginger: No.
Toby Ziegler: But you will?
Ginger: Yes.


"The West Wing: In Excelsis Deo (#1.10)" (1999)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [Toby has just arranged for an honor guard at the funeral of a homeless vet] Toby, If we start pulling strings like this don't you think every homeless veteran will come out of the woodwork?
Toby Ziegler: I can only hope so, sir.

Mandy Hampton: This might seem trivial under the circumstances...
Toby Ziegler: What?
Mandy Hampton: The Santa hats do clash with the Dickensian costumes.
Toby Ziegler: It *might* seem trivial?

Toby Ziegler: It's not the new millennium, but I'll just let it drop.
Sam Seaborn: It is.
Toby Ziegler: It is not the new millennium. The year 2000 is the last year of the millennium, it's not the first year of the next one.
Sam Seaborn: But the common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould...
Toby Ziegler: Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.
Sam Seaborn: Gould says this is a largely unresolvable issue.
Toby Ziegler: Yes, it's tough to resolve. You have to look at a calendar.
[... ]
Sam Seaborn: You've got to ask yourself which is more exciting - watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 or watching it go from one hundred to a hundred and one.
C.J. Cregg: So technically the millennium is still a year away.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but... we've made all these plans.


"The West Wing: Five Votes Down (#1.4)" (1999)
President Josiah Bartlet: [after changing Toby's speech without telling him] I looked to the side at one point, you know, I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.
Toby Ziegler: Well, but for the Secret Service agents restraining me, sir...
President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah. Thank God for the Secret Service.
Toby Ziegler: [under his breath] Oh, bless their hearts.

Sam Seaborn: How do you feel there, big guy?
Toby Ziegler: Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

President Josiah Bartlet: You know what Toby?
Toby Ziegler: Sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass.
Toby Ziegler: Well, that's what my mother calls it, too, sir.


"The West Wing: Gone Quiet (#3.7)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: I don't know from where you get the idea that taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for anything of which they disapprove. Lots of 'em don't like tanks... even more don't like Congress.

Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee: Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate, and sings. Does that appeal to you?
Toby Ziegler: By and large, I'm not wild about musicals.

C.J. Cregg: [singing as she crosses the room to Toby] I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my skirt, too sexy for the other things...
Toby Ziegler: What in God's name is...
C.J. Cregg: He got the question.
Toby Ziegler: Who?
C.J. Cregg: The Majority Leader.
Toby Ziegler: When?
C.J. Cregg: Last night. Local news, Cleveland, Ohio - oh me-o, oh my-o, oh Cleveland, Ohio! He got the question.
Bonnie: What's the question?
Toby Ziegler: "Why do you want to be president?"
Bonnie: And what did he say?
C.J. Cregg: [reading from a transcript of the interview] "The reason I would run, were I to run, is I have a great belief in this country as a country and in this people as a people that go into making this country a nation with the greatest natural resources and population of people, educated people."
C.J. Cregg: [makes a shotgun motion with her arms] Chk-chk, boom!
Toby Ziegler: I'll spread it around.
C.J. Cregg: [singing her way out of the room] I'm too sexy for my shoes, too sexy for the blues, too sexy...


"The West Wing: Enemies (#1.8)" (1999)
Toby Ziegler: It couldn't have gone far, right?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Toby Ziegler: Somewhere in this building is our talent.

Mandy Hampton: Are you listening to me?
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
Mandy Hampton: What was the last thing I said?
Toby Ziegler: The last thing you said was: "Are you listening to me?"

Mandy Hampton: Would you tell him that signing the bill and, thus, swallowing the bitter pill of strip mining would not foreclose a PR approach that would trumpet banking reforms while at the same time excoriating the special-interest strip-mining scam which, by the way, is what I am happy to call it. Tell him that.
C.J. Cregg: Toby, Mandy wants you to recommend to the President that we do it her way.
Toby Ziegler: Did you understand what she said?
C.J. Cregg: No, but she seemed pretty confident.


"The West Wing: Let Bartlet Be Bartlet (#1.19)" (2000)
Toby Ziegler: One victory in a year stinks in the life of an administration. But it's not the ones we lose that bother me, Leo. It's the ones we don't suit up for.

Sam Seaborn: [on why it's not going to rain] I got this from the U.S. Coast Guard. I got this from the National Weather Service. They use satellites. They use technology.
[there's a thunderclap, and a downpour of rain begins]
Toby Ziegler: [very dry] This is the same satellite technology we use to detect intercontinental ballistic missiles, right?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: All right, then.

President Josiah Bartlet: You didn't know it was raining?
Toby Ziegler: To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain.


"The West Wing: Debate Camp (#4.5)" (2002)
President Josiah Bartlet: [practicing for a debate] I don't support racial profiling.
Sam Seaborn: [playing the part of a debate challenger] Your nominee for Attorney General did. Can you tell us why you nominated him?
President Josiah Bartlet: Why?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: 'Cause bite me, that's why.
C.J. Cregg: It's a legitimate question.
President Josiah Bartlet: It's been almost four years, Sam. How long do you want to say "I told you so?"
Josh Lyman: He wasn't saying "I told you so," sir. We need an answer on Rooker.
President Josiah Bartlet: What's wrong with "Bite me"?
Josh Lyman: I think we'd lose.
Toby Ziegler: Not in New Jersey.

Toby Ziegler: It's not a good out-loud word.

Toby Ziegler: See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.


"The West Wing: Six Meetings Before Lunch (#1.18)" (2000)
Toby Ziegler: Mandy, I feel like I've lost a hundred and eighty pounds. And I'm smiling, I am... laughing. I'm enjoying the people I work with. I've got to snap out of this. What's on your mind?
Mandy Hampton: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace Lum-Lum.
Toby Ziegler: Well, that did the trick.

Mandy Hampton: I was thinking that it would be a good idea, as a symbol to signal how serious we are about our relationship with China, if we asked them for another bear.
Toby Ziegler: I think it would be a good idea as a symbol to signal that China is serious about their relationship with us if they stop running over their citizens with tanks.

Toby Ziegler: Have them send us two
[panda bears]
Toby Ziegler: .
Mandy Hampton: Second of all, China is not inclined to give us gifts right now.
Toby Ziegler: Then get us two regular bears, a bucket of black paint, a bucket of white paint, bam-bam. Next case.


"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part I (#2.1)" (2000)
Cal Mathis: Do you enjoy losing?
Toby Ziegler: Not that much, no. Then again, I really don't have a lot to compare it to.

Woman in Bar: You've been a... um, what do you call it?
Toby Ziegler: Professional political operative.
Woman in Bar: You've been one your whole life?
Toby Ziegler: Well, there was a while there I was in elementary school.

Woman in Bar: [regarding the Presidential primary] I gotta tell you, I didn't even know Bartlet was running.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, well, we keep that secret pretty good.


"The West Wing: War Crimes (#3.6)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: You're a good deputy, Sam.
Sam Seaborn: What do you mean?
Toby Ziegler: That.
Sam Seaborn: You won money on football today, didn't you?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but I mean it anyway.

Toby Ziegler: We're a group. We're a team. From the President and Leo on through, we're a team. We win together, we lose together. We celebrate and we mourn together. And defeats are softened and victories sweeter because we did them together... You're my guys and I'm yours... and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Toby Ziegler: This is the Legal Tender... Huckleberry Bill?
Sam Seaborn: Modernization Bill, yeah.
Toby Ziegler: We can't support it 'cause it'll never get to the floor.
Sam Seaborn: Why not?
Toby Ziegler: Where's the Speaker of the House from?
Sam Seaborn: He's from Illinois, which, by the way, is the only state where you can put pennies in a toll machine. Why is that, do you suppose?
Toby Ziegler: It's because...
Sam Seaborn: [realizing] It's 'cause Lincoln's from Illinois! And... so is the Speaker.
Toby Ziegler: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Well, that's a good reason. Well, it's a dumb reason, but it's good enough, right?


"The West Wing: Night Five (#3.14)" (2002)
Andrea Wyatt: The U.S. Constitution defends religious pluralism. It doesn't reduce all of Islam to fanaticism.
Toby Ziegler: Neither does the speech. It calls fanaticism fanaticism.
Andrea Wyatt: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: It's fanaticism whether we call it that or not, so were going to call it that. We respect all religions, all cultures.
Andrea Wyatt: To a point.
Toby Ziegler: Yes, to a point. Grotesque oppression isn't okay just because it's been institutionalized. If you ask me, we should have gotten into the game three, four decades ago, but they're coming for us now, so it's time to saddle up!

Toby Ziegler: Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harbouring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point.
Andrea Wyatt: What is the point?
Toby Ziegler: I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win!

Toby Ziegler: Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, *nothing,* but the Quran, and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America? Judeo-Christianity? No. Their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet? So be it. But I want those kids to look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history, some literature. They'll like us when we win.


"The West Wing: In This White House (#2.4)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: No. You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.
Toby Ziegler: No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time.

Josh Lyman: Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby Ziegler: Ginger, get the popcorn.

Toby Ziegler: A drug they gotta buy from us for four dollars a unit they can get generic in Pakistan for forty cents.
C.J. Cregg: That's not the only bargain in Pakistan, Toby. My girlfriends and I go for the spring fashions.
Toby Ziegler: It shows.


"The West Wing: Evidence of Things Not Seen (#4.20)" (2003)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but I think what he's asking - Bump ten - I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?
Toby Ziegler: Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I know how to bless the soup, too.

Toby Ziegler: And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it?
Will Bailey: Yeah, but we're scrappy.

Toby Ziegler: And you got to ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?


"The West Wing: Inauguration: Part 1 (#4.14)" (2003)
Will Bailey: You and Leo McGarry and Josh are his senior counselors. And it's not like he doesn't already want to go there.
Toby Ziegler: This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force. That we use force whenever we see an injustice we want to correct. Like Mother Teresa with first strike capabilities.

Toby Ziegler: I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window.
Will Bailey: Don't you ever worry about the window breaking?
Toby Ziegler: During moments of peak frustration: when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and when Congress censured my boss... but it's always held up, that window; that window is a game-day player.


"The West Wing: Jefferson Lives (#5.3)" (2003)
Will Bailey: Diane Frost is a serious name.
Josh Lyman: Diane is a serious loon of the left.
Toby Ziegler: I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh Lyman: You like him?
Toby Ziegler: Berryhill? I'm over the moon. This is my over-the-moon face.


"The West Wing: Twenty Five (#4.23)" (2003)
Toby Ziegler: [holding his twin babies] I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs. You can't walk or speak the language. You don't have a dollar in your pockets but you got yourselves a hat so everything's fine. I don't want to alarm you or anything, but I'm Dad. And for you, son - for you - this will be the last time I pass the buck, but I think it should be clear from the get-go that it was Mom who named you Huckleberry. I guess she was feeling like life doesn't present enough challenges to overcome on its own. And, honey, you've got a name now, too.
[turns to his daughter]
Toby Ziegler: Your mom and I named you after an incredibly brave woman, really not all that much older than you. Your name is Molly. Huck and Molly. So, what do I do? Well, you're going to need food and clothes and doctors and dentists and there's that. And should you have any questions along the way...

President Josiah Bartlet: So, what do you know now that you didn't know before?
Toby Ziegler: Babies come with hats.


"The West Wing: Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics (#1.21)" (2000)
President Josiah Bartlet: Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
Toby Ziegler: I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.

Toby Ziegler: Since when are you an expert on language?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: In polling models?
Toby Ziegler: Okay.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Toby Ziegler: Since long before that.


"The West Wing: And It's Surely to Their Credit (#2.5)" (2000)
C.J. Cregg: [Talking about Ainsley Hayes] I'm going to tell you something, Toby. I don't think it's that she's a Republican, I think it's that she's a Republican woman and she's good-looking.
Toby Ziegler: Well, those are three things, when in combination, usually spell 'careerism'.

Toby Ziegler: His point isn't wholly without merit, Leo.


"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: In fact, it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that is if you remove some words from it.

Toby Ziegler: ...if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year, they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?


"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 2 (#3.3)" (2001)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: There's a new book, and we're gonna write it. You can win if you run a smart, disciplined campaign. If you studiously say nothing - nothing that causes you trouble, nothing that's a gaffe, nothing that shows you might think the wrong thing, nothing that shows you think. But it just isn't worthy of us, is it Toby?
Toby Ziegler: No, sir.

Douglas Wegland: I'm from Oregon. In Oregon we like to see a man stand up and say he's sorry. Where are you from?
Toby Ziegler: Me?
Douglas Wegland: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: I'm from the United States of suck my...
Josh Lyman: All right! Let's take lunch.
Douglas Wegland: Republicans talk about how arrogant you guys are. I always thought it was the natural reaction that comes to not getting the girl. I can't believe how much they've been low-balling it.


"The West Wing: Dead Irish Writers (#3.16)" (2002)
Toby Ziegler: Can I call you John?
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croy, Marquess of Needham and Dolby, Baronet of Brycey, England's ambassador to the United States, and a terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings "Danny Boy". Yes, you can call me John.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: You're involving yourself in a centuries old conflict without sufficient regard for history. Listen to the warning of old friends. It was Kipling who warned to expect "the blame of those ye better, and the hate of those ye guard."
Toby Ziegler: And wasn't it James Joyce who said, "History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake."
Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury: Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill, who said, "There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again... now."


"The West Wing: The Indians in the Lobby (#3.8)" (2001)
[On neighborhood watch cell phone funding]
President Josiah Bartlet: There's nothing wrong with this policy. It's just too small. I could fund this initiative out of my pocket.
Toby Ziegler: It's $10 million.
President Josiah Bartlet: Leo could fund it out of his pocket.

[the President is pretending to be Joe Bethersontin from Fargo, and trying to find the best way to cook stuffing]
Butterball Hotline: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
President Josiah Bartlet: Oh, yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... auto sales in...
Toby Ziegler: Fargo.
President Josiah Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like, well, like anything.
Butterball Hotline: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving.
President Josiah Bartlet: And you do too. Thanks a lot.


"The West Wing: Game On (#4.6)" (2002)
C.J. Cregg: He's not a little bit crazy?
Toby Ziegler: Albie Duncan?
C.J. Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: No. No. No. A little bit.

Toby Ziegler: I'm not sure I can watch any more. No, wait - I can, I can.


"The West Wing: Lord John Marbury (#1.11)" (2000)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?
Toby Ziegler: I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn't going to end that way.

Toby Ziegler: I feel that I didn't have the opportunity to properly articulate my argument.


"The West Wing: The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael (#3.1)" (2001)
C.J. Cregg: Liberties, schmiberties!
Toby Ziegler: C.J. Cregg, ladies and gentlemen.

Toby Ziegler: Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying.


"The West Wing: The State Dinner (#1.7)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: Toby, do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then to tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?
Toby Ziegler: Absolutely, otherwise it's just a waste of food.

Leo McGarry: You got to work with Toby on the toast.
Toby Ziegler: Don't need him.
Leo McGarry: Yes, you do.
Sam Seaborn: It takes two people to write a toast?
Leo McGarry: The State Department is very particular about these toasts.
Josh Lyman: I'll assign someone from my office.
Mandy Hampton: I can do it.
Josh Lyman: No, you can't.
Mandy Hampton: Why not?
Josh Lyman: Because you're a political consultant and this is an actual, you know, thing.
Mandy Hampton: Leo, please tell Josh that I can play a role in issues and it's not going to be the end to this administration.
Josh Lyman: I don't think it will be the end of this administration, Leo. I think it's going to be the end of this republic.


"The West Wing: We Killed Yamamoto (#3.21)" (2002)
Leo McGarry: Toby, an encouraging word from you to Sam wouldn't be totally out-of-line.
Toby Ziegler: Sam doesn't need to be patronized. He'll shake it off.
Leo McGarry: It'll make him feel better.
Toby Ziegler: I don't want him feeling better. I want him feeling mad. Is there anyone you'd rather have as a blood enemy less than Sam? That's how I want him.
Leo McGarry: You know, it was a screw-up. But I gotta say, I love the way he did it full-speed, bam. Like there's a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall.

Leo McGarry: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?
Toby Ziegler: Used a pencil?
Leo McGarry: They used a pencil.


"The West Wing: The U.S. Poet Laureate (#3.17)" (2002)
Toby Ziegler: Happiness is my default position.

U.S. Poet Laureate Tabatha Fortis: I think you're just being nice.
Toby Ziegler: I think if you ask around you'll discover that's unlikely.


"The West Wing: Here Today (#7.5)" (2005)
President Josiah Bartlet: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: Yes, sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: When you walk out of here, there'll be people out there, perhaps a great many, who'll think of you as a hero. I just don't for a moment want you thinking I'll be one of them.

Toby Ziegler: Congratulations, you've earned your rather exhorbitant fee today.
Alana Waterman: Toby, I haven't done anything
Toby Ziegler: That's the first time today he has said the word "Please".


"The West Wing: The California 47th (#4.16)" (2003)
[Toby is talking to his pregnant ex-wife on board Air Force One]
Toby Ziegler: You've got twins in there. You're basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?
Andrea Wyatt: [turning to the women in the room] Uh-uh. I saw him first, girls.

Toby Ziegler: Charlie and I got arrested.
Will Bailey: Yeah, I saw it on the news.
Toby Ziegler: It made the news out there?
Will Bailey: A Jewish guy won a bar fight; it's news everywhere.


"The West Wing: Manchester: Part 1 (#3.2)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: [after Charlie beats him at a game of pool without Toby picking up his cue] Nice game. It was fun to watch.

Toby Ziegler: C.J.?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: You want to play some pool?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't know how to play pool.
Toby Ziegler: You wanna play for money?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Sure.


"The West Wing: Take Out the Trash Day (#1.13)" (2000)
Hamlin: [on why the government should cut funding to PBS] Product licensing for this merchandise brings in over $20 million a year, none of which goes to PBS, all of which goes to the show's producer, the Children's Television Workshop. Now this is a company whose chief executive earns high six-figures in salary and benefits per year. Yet Sesame Street is subsidized by taxpayer dollars.
Toby Ziegler: It's a perfectly reasonable complaint.
Sondra: And?
Toby Ziegler: I don't care.
Hamlin: Toby...
Toby Ziegler: We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV, this administration is gonna protect the MUPPETS! We're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live from Lincoln Center, and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.


"The West Wing: In the Room (#6.8)" (2004)
[Penn & Teller have just performed a special "vanish" at Zoey's birthday party]
Toby Ziegler: Did they just burn an American flag in the White House?
Josh Lyman: Uh-huh.


"The West Wing: Ellie (#2.15)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?


"The West Wing: 18th and Potomac (#2.21)" (2001)
Leo McGarry: We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next few days, weeks and months.
Toby Ziegler: When did we decide this?
Leo McGarry: Just now.


"The West Wing: Guns Not Butter (#4.12)" (2003)
Toby Ziegler: Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time.


"The West Wing: The Two Bartlets (#3.13)" (2002)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: So, the 4-H convention.
Toby Ziegler: We're not going.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby Ziegler: I'm that way.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby Ziegler: We're not going.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby Ziegler: Butter on the table?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby Ziegler: How do they keep it from melting?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How, indeed.
Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby Ziegler: Thank you.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.


"The West Wing: Constituency of One (#5.5)" (2003)
Toby Ziegler: Where's our hundred days? Where's our Great Society? Where's our New Frontier? Somebody's got to do what we came here to do.


"The West Wing: Angel Maintenance (#4.19)" (2003)
Congressman Mark Richardson: It's not going to screw you too much?
Toby Ziegler: No. It'll screw us the regular amount.


"The West Wing: Han (#5.4)" (2003)
Toby Ziegler: In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell - Bingo Bob, himself - as your new Vice President.
Will Bailey: This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...
Toby Ziegler: ...as lackluster as he is soporific. This reversion to the mean...
Will Bailey: ...this rebuke to the exemplary...
Toby Ziegler: ...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional... Bob Russell: not the worst, not the best, just what we're stuck with.


"The West Wing: Third-Day Story (#6.3)" (2004)
Toby Ziegler: Look, we're in the middle of an intersection without a traffic cop. If we want, we can run things through me.
Josh Lyman: If we want?
Toby Ziegler: I'm talking about a process.
Josh Lyman: And if we want to sacrifice livestock in your name?
Toby Ziegler: Fine. A decision-making tree.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: How about you be the Communications director, you be the Deputy Chief of Staff; we can use the old barn for a stage.


"The West Wing: 20 Hours in America: Part I (#4.1)" (2002)
Toby Ziegler: We don't know what the next president is going to face. If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives and cares about making them better; if we choose someone to inspire us then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things we can't imagine yet.


"The West Wing: 7A WF 83429 (#5.1)" (2003)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Danny Concannon is doing a story alleging we assassinated Abdul Sheriff.
Glenallen Walken: How are his sources?
Leo McGarry: He's got it.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He's looking for a comment
Glenallen Walken: I suppose throwing him in leg irons and locking him in the basement of the Capitol wouldn't do any good.
Leo McGarry: We shouldn't comment, sir, not while Zoey Bartlett is missing.
Steve Atwood: No, we need to get out in front of it, release it before it breaks in the Post.
Toby Ziegler: Release what? That we violated The Neutrality Act to covertly assassinate an official of a friendly government?
Steve Atwood: He must not have been too friendly if you decided to shoot him.
Will Bailey: Sir, acknowledging the assassination destroys a century's worth of progress towards international law.
Steve Atwood: You guys didn't think about that before you did it?
Josh Lyman: It wasn't supposed to become public.
Steve Atwood: Yeah well you tried that before. How did it work out on MS?


"The West Wing: Drought Conditions (#6.16)" (2005)
Leo McGarry: You are no longer the guy who picks losing candidates and ushers them to their principled end. You're the guy who takes good men and makes them great. You and Josh, you still think you're terriers barking at the heels of the party. You are the party. Rafferty's a spoiler, shouldn't be in the race.
Toby Ziegler: I'm not sitting this one out, Leo.
Leo McGarry: Don't. But don't pretend you're still an outsider with a ponytail and a dream, you work in the White House... Your brother didn't have any more fight in him. You still do.


"The West Wing: Posse Comitatus (#3.22)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: He went to the Yankee game.
Toby Ziegler: Ritchie?
Sam Seaborn: Local news covered it. He said this is how ordinary Americans get their entertainment.
Toby Ziegler: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.


"The West Wing: H. Con-172 (#3.11)" (2002)
Larry: [reading from Ron Burkhalt's book] Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly, mumbling communications director whose inner bitter darkness spelled the break-up of the one marriage we know about.
C.J. Cregg: It was miniature golf, wasn't it?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.


"The West Wing: Institutional Memory (#7.21)" (2006)
[C.J. visits Toby to see how he's doing]
Toby Ziegler: I read the Constitution. I think I found a typo.


"The West Wing: Life on Mars (#4.21)" (2003)
Charlie Young: Are you eating a salad?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Charlie Young: Why?
Toby Ziegler: 'Cause I am.
Charlie Young: I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it?
Toby Ziegler: I don't know...
Charlie Young: Just mixed greens?
Toby Ziegler: I don't know what kind of salad it is, I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it, do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them, it's a bowl of weeds!
Toby Ziegler: Some of them have cheese, this isn't the kind with cheese, does that answer your question?
Toby Ziegler: Man, how many years have you been: "Toby, you eat like a teenager, Toby, that's red meat, that's your second cigar!" And here I am, eating a salad, which by the way you could smother up this with barbecue sauce, and it would still taste like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery!... who wanted to come in here eating his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a Kaiser roll, and watch the damn tennis on my TV!
Toby Ziegler: That's all I'm saying!
Charlie Young: Man, you're really doing all you can to marry that woman!


"The West Wing: Process Stories (#4.8)" (2002)
Toby Ziegler: Is that caviar there?
Abbey Bartlet: Not really, no.


"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: Where's Josh?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: He went back to the phone banks.
Toby Ziegler: Is the electricity back on?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: No.
Toby Ziegler: Then what's he doing there?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Hoping the electricity goes on.
Toby Ziegler: Well that ought to do it.


"The West Wing: Arctic Radar (#4.10)" (2002)
Toby Ziegler: [to Leo] You're like the guys who say, "Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speech writer good enough to work at the White House?" I'm amazed I found that many. "Good enough to work at the White House" is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I'd be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. Sam was one of them.


"The West Wing: A Proportional Response (#1.3)" (1999)
C.J. Cregg: Hey do you know anything about a story going around about the Secret Service investigating Bertram Coles for threatening the life of the President?
Toby Ziegler: No.
C.J. Cregg: Maggie Greeenwald is quoting you as saying the Secret Service investigates all threats made against the President, and it's White House Policy not to comment.
Toby Ziegler: Yea.
C.J. Cregg: Did you say that?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah. Hey, you don't suppose that's how the story got started, do you? You know what, C.J., you tell Bert Coles that Toby Ziegler said there's a new sheriff in town.


"The West Wing: The Fall's Gonna Kill You (#2.20)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Sam Seaborn: Well, I don't think he does.
Toby Ziegler: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam Seaborn: Okay.
Toby Ziegler: We're Batman and Robin.
Sam Seaborn: Which one's which?
Toby Ziegler: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam Seaborn: I'm not Robin.
Toby Ziegler: Yes you are.
Sam Seaborn: Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby Ziegler: You bet, little friend.
Sam Seaborn: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
Toby Ziegler: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne and you're my ward... Dick Something.


"The West Wing: The Leadership Breakfast (#2.11)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: Leo, Ann Stark's a wartime consigliere. That's why she was bumped up.
Leo McGarry: I'm a wartime consigliere, too, Toby.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Leo McGarry: I was just hoping it's be peacetime a little longer.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Leo McGarry: Son of a bitch.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Leo McGarry: Shake my hand.
[Toby and Leo shake hands]
Leo McGarry: We just formed it.
Toby Ziegler: Formed what?
Leo McGarry: The committee to re-elect the president.


"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part II (#2.2)" (2000)
Toby Ziegler: C.J., you fell into the pool there...
C.J. Cregg: I can't see!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, well maybe, uh, kind of, try to feel your way to dry land. Want a hand?
C.J. Cregg: Shut up. Avert your eyes.
Toby Ziegler: What?
C.J. Cregg: I'm climbing out of the pool, my clothes will be clingy, avert you eyes.
Toby Ziegler: C.J., I really didn't come here to...
C.J. Cregg: Avert your eyes!
Toby Ziegler: OK.
[turning around, as C.J. gets out of the pool, and straightens her dress out]
C.J. Cregg: Oh, turn around.
Toby Ziegler: [laughs]


"The West Wing: Separation of Powers (#5.7)" (2003)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying "man."
Toby Ziegler: Why, 'cause - ? Oh, c'mon!
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: You'd be surprised. I get letters.
Toby Ziegler: Fine, "human being," then, or do the other mammals complain?


"The West Wing: Things Fall Apart (#6.21)" (2005)
C.J. Cregg: I'm sorry to ask, but did David ever mention anything about another kind of space shuttle?
Toby Ziegler: Another kind of space shuttle?
C.J. Cregg: A non-civilian shuttle.
Toby Ziegler: A military shuttle?
C.J. Cregg: Did he ever mention anything about anything like that?
Toby Ziegler: Did he ever commit a felonious breach of national security?
C.J. Cregg: Hints, intimations, a brotherly confidence?
Toby Ziegler: Brotherly confidence by definition...?
C.J. Cregg: Showing off, sibling one-upmanship. "Look what I know."
Toby Ziegler: An occasional cryptic hint; when he wanted to lord it over me.
C.J. Cregg: Like actually being an astronaut wasn't enough.
Toby Ziegler: Thank you so much.
C.J. Cregg: If he had been up in that space station, and we didn't send such a vehicle up after him...
Toby Ziegler: To send it reveals it.
C.J. Cregg: Would he have been okay about sacrificing himself for national security?
Toby Ziegler: He would have insisted on it.
Toby Ziegler: But don't ask me what I would have insisted on.


"The West Wing: The Short List (#1.9)" (1999)
President Josiah Bartlet: This is huge. Which one of you is the man?
Toby Ziegler: On this one, we'd like to think of ourselves collectively as the men, sir.


"The West Wing: The Drop In (#2.12)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: We don't have to move to our right if there's an opportunity to spank the people to our left.


"The West Wing: Mandatory Minimums (#1.20)" (2000)
Toby Ziegler: I'm a responsible adult.
Andrea Wyatt: I'm a member of the United States Congress.
Toby Ziegler: I rest my case.


"The West Wing: Eppur Si Muove (#5.16)" (2004)
Leo McGarry: I'm sorry, but can we really justify spending $800,000 on "A Bioculutural Approach to Female Sexual Fantasy and Genital Arousal"?
Toby Ziegler: How can we afford not to?


"The West Wing: Slow News Day (#5.12)" (2004)
Toby Ziegler: I don't know what you're talking about.
Steve Gaines: Either you're lying, or the left hand doesn't know what the far-left hand is doing!